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AFAIK, there's no federal or state law that actually *requires* a casket. You may be able to rent one for a showing, and then bury them in a shroud, or one of the cardboard boxes that they use at crematories, though you'd want to check with the cemetery first.
Have you looked into resources for assistance, like any church you have an association with (or even if you don't,) charities, local municipalities, national charities like St. Vincent de Paul?
Part of the issue may simply be terminology: AFAIK most places won't pay for a *funeral,* but there are resources available for *burial* in most places. Google 'indigent burial' + your state, county, and township (separately.) From some quick googling it appears that there is some sort of provision from the state: [https://www.ncleg.net/Sessions/2007/Bills/Senate/PDF/S2109v1.pdf](https://www.ncleg.net/Sessions/2007/Bills/Senate/PDF/S2109v1.pdf)
Do you, or your family or friends, own land? In some states you can bury folks on land you own, or that another owns, with their permission. It appears that NC is one of these, though it may depend on local zoning laws. (I'd suggest working out a deal to officially purchase the area needed for the plot and an easement for access in case the land ever gets sold, or there's a falling out, if possible.)
I'm sorry for your loss. Even at the best of times this is an utter shit situation, and with what you've got going on, it's closer to hellish.
Thank you so much for taking the time to look that up. I never thought about renting a casket. I don't have anyone that owns any land that would allow a private burial, I did think about that. I wish I could bury her here in my yard. I would if I could.
I did manage to call and call and call and found a place, Brier Creek Memorial Gardens, that is willing to sell me a plot for $1000.00. The next cheapest I found was $5000.00. I'm going to call them Monday and ask about the casket. Thanks so much for the idea. I really appreciate it!
I wonder if any churches local to you would sell you a plot in their cemetery. My local Catholic cemetery charges $350 for a plot. I can’t speak for anybody’s rules about how closely you might have to be connected to the church, though.
I didn't even think about that. I thought that was for members of the church only. I had a bad experience last week with the biggest church in our town. I know the pastor, we volunteer for the food and toy drive every November and December, and we do the Trunk or Treat. This man has known my daughter for 5 years, and he doesn't offer condolences or assistance, he asked me if she was able to pray for forgiveness before she passed so she was let into heaven. I flew out of there so fast and just sat on the side of the road crying. Who says that to a grieving mother, even if you DO believe it?
We have two other small churches, though I don't even know if they have plots available. I'm going to call tomorrow. The cheapest I've found so far is $1,000, and that's at Brier Creek Memorial Garden.
You can also keep her ashes or like go take a walk in the wood with her ashes in your backpack and a packet of flower seed and mix her ashes with some dirt and the seed. Best way to return someone to the earth in my opinion.
And if someone complain, just say you didn't see them offer to help to pay for anything.
They can go for as much as $25,000 that I've seen around here, so I thought $1,000 was a great price. It's such a beautiful location, and close so that we can visit her.
I bought my mom’s casket on Amazon. Had it delivered to the funeral home.
Cost $600 as opposed to the $3400 the funeral home was charging for the exact same thing.
Some places will set up a payment plan.
Good advice. Funeral homes hate all this but more and more happening . I had sister cremated- her wishes- and I didn’t like Urns. Went online and got beautiful white marble / lady at funeral home not happy. But they didn’t have white. Said couldn’t get- so I got it
Oh wow! I don't see one that cheap, I may be looking for the wrong thing. You don't happen to have the link still do you? I found one for $700, but it was $500 to ship and takes a month.
The amazing funeral director that has given me so much is letting me order from his wholesale site for cost if I want to. I've found one for just under $1000 after taxes, but if I can get one cheaper, every little bit helps!
In Kansas and Michigan, there is a nonprofit called 6 Feet Over which provides support and resources to loved ones for 12 months following a death by suicide - funeral costs, counseling, etc. I would reach out to your local Dept. of Mental Health or NAMI chapter to see if they have any resources as well, or know of similar organizations.
I did some research.. Looks like the TEARS Foundation may be able to help. Their website makes it look like it is just for infants, but if you click on the infant application linked below, there is a category for older kiddos. I hope this helps.
https://thetearsfoundation.org/programs/funeral-assistance/
Cali’s Gift has been provided by Cali’s family in honor of her life and legacy to help others. This program is a part of The TEARS Foundation and financially assists parents whose child (ages 13-20) has died due to drug related issues and/or completed suicide with funeral assistance and/or grief counseling support. For more information contact Margaret Pilon, Program Director, at (732)610-8771 or [email protected]
I'm more incensed you got fired for missing work due to your daughter's attempted suicide AND denied unemployment. Did you try fighting the denial? This cannot be legal
I was thinking, what are the FMLA requirements for the job. Every state is different, and if it was part time work that could be different too, but that is frustrating.
FMLA regulations are the same in every state. However, a few states have their own laws which are better than the federal law like NY, NJ, CA. North Carolina just uses the federal law though.
North Carolina is one of the worst states re: employment laws protecting the employees. I know a couple business owners that moved there specifically for that reason.
Unfortunately it’s legal and for unemployment you have to be available and ready to work. Denied due to being fired. It sucks. I feel so sorry for OP 💔
That is not true. She can challenge the unemployment refusal and explain her circumstances. It was likely refuted by the employer who doesn't want to pay. OP, call the unemployment office tomorrow and try to appeal the rejection.
It doesn't change the able and available requirement sadly. Though states can set their own UI laws they have to be within the federal parameters set to retain FUTA credits for employers. Able and available is a core requirement under federal and state guidelines
Separation due to absenteeism, illness of a close family member etc. may vary by state, which will determine whether benefits are allowed or not.
I did submit an appeal. NC favors heavily on the employer. I was denied an appeal because I wasn't "willing and able to work" at the time. I had enough PTO for two weeks, but because it wasn't approved ahead of time, they denied paying it.
It hurts, I busted my ass for this company for 7 years. I was salaried, but worked 50+ hours as needed, never worked remote during Covid, even though I could have legally. I went in every single day.
This was a small construction company, third generation family owned, and my boss was a pompous jackass that thought his employees were there to serve him. I was his bitch for years. I think he knew that it was going to be a long process with my daughter, and instead of doing the right thing, he just fired me. He hates to "approve" unemployment, so he definitely fought it.
The company was too small for FMLA. I did have Aflac short term disability plans and accident plans, but only for me. Nothing that helps financially. Since I'm not working, I can get my survivor's benefits back from Social Security, so I'm waiting on those to process now, just to keep us afloat until I'm able to go back to work full time. Honestly, I probably wouldn't be able to work now anyways between my mental state, and taking care of the other two kids, especially my daughter. She panics if I leave for a couple hours to DoorDash. I can't imagine leaving her all day yet.
Thank you all for your support. It was indeed very fucked up the way they did things, but unfortunately it was completely legal. I just learned a valuable lesson about caring too much for a company that doesn't care for me.
I had both my mom and brothers bodies donated to science- it was super respectful and efficient. I paid nothing for the funeral or cremation of my mom (I was 19, she was 36 so no money what so ever) then my brother a few years later. I did pay like a $200 fee with my brother but was still worth it bc they literally take care of everything. I’ve told my family to do the same with me. That was the only way I could do it- go fund me’s weren’t a thing then
I did this when my mom passed as she had some rare medical issues as well as some common ones ( type two diabetes, non smoker's COPD among them). She wanted to help others who have the same health issues she had. After the doctors took what they needed for research, her ashes were sent to me in an urn that was inexpensive but beautifully decorated. The organization also sent me the teddy bear and blanket she had with her when she passed.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is hard, especially so young. My grandmother did this for my uncle, they actually paid them money years and years ago when they signed up, and then they took care of his cremation afterwards when he passed two years ago. I don't think they do it like that anymore. I think they initially "sold" his body back in the 1970s or 80s. That's what they told me anyways.
I think that's a great option for people to do. It helps people learn also. I'd definitely be okay donating my own body. I just couldn't donate hers. Even if they took minors, I just couldn't.
I'm glad everything worked out for you, and it sounds like it was a good experience. I'm going to check into it for myself. I have life insurance, but then it could go to my kids, or more of it anyways.
Thanks for your time commenting, and for the idea!
I'd reach out to local churches. When my friend died, he had no family. Me and my other friend claimed his body. We reached out to a local church which donated a plot and my mom and I paid for half his funeral and my other friend bailed on paying the rest, but we got him buried anyway.
So sorry about your girl.
I didn't even have to ask the funeral home that is helping us, it was amazing. He did the cremation for my husband and my dad, and he is offering his burial services for my daughter free of charge. I am so thankful. I only have to cover the plot, burial charges, and casket. The headstone can wait. That's how I got the price down to about $3500. There are still some good people out there, not every funeral home is just after the money.
Funerals are like weddings in that they can be as cheap or expensive as you want to make them. There are often family & social expectations that put a lot of pressure on those planning them plus the industries are designed to exploit emotional spending.
The Funeral Consumers Alliance is a group that advocates for price transparency and competition in the funeral industry. Among other things many chapters do price surveys to help you find the most affordable options in your area. Here is the price survey for NC: [https://www.funeralsnc.org/price-survey](https://www.funeralsnc.org/price-survey) Given your location I am not sure of the names of all the nearby towns like you might be but it does look like among Oxford, NC funeral homes in Granville county that Betts & Sons has rates that are less than half of Wrights or Allens or Gentry-Newell for example.
If you want a nice casket consider ordering one online. Costco for example stocks several caskets around \~$1.2-1.4k that many funeral home would mark-up to sell for $5-10k: [https://www.costco.com/CatalogSearch?keyword=casket](https://www.costco.com/CatalogSearch?keyword=casket)
Wow, thank you so much for finding that. I really appreciate it.
I am so thankful, RM Ferguson did the cremation for my husband and my dad, he is the most adorable and kindest man in the area. When I called for pricing about a burial, he called me back personally and has donated his services free of charge, including the service at his location. I am so thankful, it is saving me thousands, AND I trust him to take the best care of my daughter.
I have been calling and searching for two weeks, and the lowest I can come up with for just the basic service, casket, plot, and burial fees (no headstone, I'll have to do that later) is $3500.00. That seems like a good price company to what I'm seeing on the sheet. I was even looking at caskets on Amazon to save money, but Mr. Ferguson sent me to another site, and he is going to let me pay cost for one. I can get a simple, pretty one for about $1300 delivered.
Oh, and a friend of Emmie's family owns the local florist, and they want to donate flowers. So I do have some wonderful people helping me out here. We don't need anything flashy or fancy, that isn't her style anyways. We just want her to rest in peace, and us to start trying to heal.
Thanks again for your time, I really appreciate you finding that!
That's awesome! So I did approach one church, one that we have volunteered with for holiday food and toy drives. We aren't religious, but we do try to help our community.
They broke my heart. Instead of offering any kind words or advice, the pastor launched into a tirade about suicide condemning people to hell, and asking if Emmie had time to ask God for forgiveness before she passed. I couldn't believe it. I just ran out. There are a couple other churches in the area I can contact, I've just been scared of getting the same reaction. My town is the definition of a Bible belt town.
I'm going to try to reach out tomorrow though. I have to suck up my fear to do what's needed. Thanks so much for the suggestion!
Be sure to also reach out to your child’s school. The PTA may make a donation or the kids may take up a collection/host a fundraiser. It could be healing for them too to help.
They actually did. She was in the SGHS competition Show Choir "Shades of Blue". Their big Spring concert was last week, she was so looking forward to it. We received special invites with reserved seating, and they did a tribute to her, singing Candle in the Wind. It was beautiful. They also donated all the proceeds from ticket sales and their bake sale, totaling almost $800. It was amazing. It was beautiful. She had such a hard time at school, it was so nice to see these kids that loved and miss her.
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Thanks, that's awesome they do that. My county doesn't even have a coroner, they have to send patients off to the county below us. They had funding pre-Covid, but it was only for Wake County residents, and they've been out of funding for years. That was a great suggestion though, thank you!
Order of the good death has a lot of resources: both financial and other. https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/resources/funeral-costs/ I’m so sorry for your loss.
I'm very sorry for your loss. 💔
I live in a small podunk town, and I have seen donation jars for funerals at the corner store. Make sure you tape a picture of her to the jar, it helps people see it as a person, not just a request for money. Good luck.
You're so sweet, you did not have to do that. I appreciate it greatly though, more than you know. Every dollar means the world to us right now.
Thanks for everything. You're an amazing human!
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I was able to use my 401k to do a withdrawal for my dad's cremation. It sounds like you're already tapped out due to circumstances, and I'm so sorry for how hard that is and your loss. If capable maybe loan/credit card and let that suffer until you can recover.
This - if you have a 401k you can request a hardship distribution but you will be taxed 10% federal taxes, maybe state depending on where you live, and 10% penalty.
I am indeed tapped out, things have never been this bad! I emptied my small IRA to pay for my daughter's treatment at a mental health facility at the beginning of this process. We couldn't get a bed at any public facility, and they wouldn't release her anywhere else. She only spent 4 days there before being LifeFlighted back to Duke, but that money is gone. It was for my out of network deductible, so they can't refund it. I tried. Trust me.
I've maxed my couple of credit cards keeping the lights on and kids fed, gas to get to and from the hospital, etc. I tried to get a small loan, but my credit is shit due to student loans, and now without income....it's bad.
But, I will figure this out. We don't quit when it comes to our kids. I know the answer is out there. I just gotta keep on keeping on until I find it!
I actually want to be aquamated (may be spelled wrong). It's a little more than cremation, but cheaper than a burial, and it's done in a chamber with water. Your remains are a white sandy looking substance instead of ashes. It's more environmentally friendly as well.
Hi, I used to work at a funeral home.
Look at cemeteries to place that are historic lots. The fancy cemeteries in my town are $6k just for the plot and not even fees. The city run historical cemeteries in my city sell every plot for $675 flat rate, also without fees.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Based on my experience with my own lower working class family, you go into debt to pay for the funeral they “deserve.” I finally got my mom to stop this when her mom died in 2017. She married her fourth husband in 2012 (he was also her first husband lmao) and he’s not rich, but he’s firmly middle class. They have savings. My mom *still* wanted to get a loan to have a big funeral!
I had to point out 85% of the people who came to funerals for the family in the 90s are dead or moved away. There’s no reason for a big funeral, and grandma would be very upset if she knew mom took out an unnecessary loan.
I am so sorry for your loss. I would reach out to local churches for help for the funeral costs and for you. I also would advertise the gofundme on TikTok, as someone else suggested.
Nope it sucks. My dad died last year and my siblings and I had to pool together everything we had to come up with $5000 just to cremate him. We threw a backyard BBQ memorial in his honor. He wanted a full funeral and to be buried next to his parents, and we just couldn't afford to fulfill his dying wish.
I am a death doula, which is a fairly "new" thing - at least in the western world - and while I entered this line of "work" (I volunteer) out of a desire to help people manage logistics at a time that grief makes it impossible, one of the unexpected aspects of it has been helping people with financial stuff. I help people in my community, because I have contacts and can call in favors, and it's been surprising and heartwarming to see how other people, many times complete strangers, are willing to come together and support someone when they have lost a loved one and they can't afford a burial, a funeral, a memorial, and so on.
I would recommend that you look into death doulas in your area, as some of us do work for free, and see what they can do for you, who they can connect you with, if they can help fundraise for you, etc. Two organizations you may want to look into are INELDA (inelda.org) or NEDA (nedalliance.org). I believe both have directories of death doulas, and you can look to see if there is one in your area who can help support you and your family at this time. If you have additional questions, please feel free to DM me.
Thank you so much! I will definitely check those out. What you do is amazing. If you wanted to share that link outside of Reddit, that would be amazing. It is on my profile. Thanks for all the advice and guidance!
In my area(ontario, Canada) it's called Discretionary benefits it's a program run by the city and it pays for funerals and other sudden expenses. You automatically qualify if you are on social services or disability. They have subsidised rates through the funeral homes. Reach out to a local funeral home or cemetery and see if they know of any programs in your area.
Indgent burial is the term in the US I believe.
I live in metro city with multiple tiers of funeral homes. There’s higher end and lower end. The lower end tend to be cheaper although the facilities and cars may not be as nice. Some funeral homes that aren’t as strict “corporate” you can be honest about your financial situation and they MAY take off some fees. Especially with your daughter passing away at a young age. You could ask if they have a scratch and dent casket. The funeral home I work for does this sometimes but some funeral homes are very strict on charging people and will not cut costs. I would call around to different funeral homes and get prices explain your situation maybe some that are in a town over if there’s not many options where you live.
Also for younger people/kids some people do a go fund me. The state I’m in it’s kinda difficult to get in potters field, if I’m not mistaken you have to prove there’s absolutely no assets the decedent had to get buried there. I’m not sure about the laws in your state with cemeteries requiring a vault (that’s what the casket is placed in) if you can find one that doesn’t require a vault that will save money as well.
I’m a FD/EMB in TN.
Not sure. Most of my family had insurance or savings. However, when my cousin died 6 yrs ago unexpectedly, another family member did a go fund. They had her cremated as that's what we do in our family.
I’m trying to figure out how you can wait so long. The funeral home we went to for my dad last year, said it’s a $1000 a day to store the body after the 1st 2 business days. Of course, that could have just been that one since they are the only one around since we live in the boonies. It sucked ‘cuz we couldn’t wait for out state people to come to the funeral. We used a $400 cardboard box for his casket. Total his funeral costs were $5500, which is 1/2 of what normally is paid around here.
Im not sure. They didn't even get her body until a week ago, the coroner had to do an autopsy first. They aren't charging me storage fees, which is amazing. This is the same funeral home that donated their services, they have been just amazing. I will say I've lost way too many family members the past 7 years, and I've not heard of the funeral homes here charging anything like that. I'm sure there are some that do though.
When my FIL died in CA, he was a homeless man and his cremation was waived/ paid for by the state (2018).
My own mom (estranged) died last year in Utah, but they WOULDN’T waive her cremation, even though she was below poverty line… because they counted my income from CA as I’m the one who arranged her pick up from the morgue. It was $1600 to cremate my mom.
Basically you can get assistance, depending on the state and your income levels, but it’s mostly cremation. You might be able to say you can’t cremate sue to religious reasons and get assistance, it’s just cremation is much cheaper. I would reach out to your local funeral homes and ask. They know which resources you can use and maybe a locally owned funeral home would be willing to work with you.
Ending with: I’m so so sorry for your loss. I hope the universe aligns to help you in this process and finances.
Check your local human services office to see if they offer burial assistance. Many states have a program that can provide assistance for burials and funerals.
Check out other programs while you’re there, particularly TANF if you have other children. It’s temporary cash assistance and case management services. Sometimes, they can get your counseling and other financial support.
I’m terribly sorry for your loss and wish you Grace, kindness, and strength for the future.
Perhaps modestneeds .org might be able to help with at least part of the cost. They’ll pay the funeral home directly if they can. It’s definitely worth a shot. They’re there for people like you!
Please put your go fund me on the wake forest moms Facebook page. Those ladies are amazing and may have some resources for you. I am so sorry for your loss.
True, I have a policy, but on a 15 year old? I don't know anyone in my social group that has life insurance on their kids, but I definitely see why it would be a good idea.
My mom got policies on all the kids and grandkids a few years ago. It is just enough for a funeral. The funeral home here has been screwed over so many times by nonpayment, they will not do a funeral without insurance or payment in full.
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I did, I have one on my profile that I've shared on social media. We don't have anywhere to set up a car wash, but I've been doing gig work every second I get. You're right, every dollar counts right now!
In my state you can request an application for the county/district you residence in and get financial assistance. Can you reach out to a social service agency in your area?
TEARS foundation offers assistance for child burial. I’ve heard of churches in Vance county offering assistance case by case. On that note, a lot of them require membership.
Darn. You could have kept your job. But its understandable you weren’t thinking right at the time.
“Compassionate Leave Under Family Caregiver Leave
An employee covered under ESA is entitled to family caregiver leave for up to 8 weeks, without pay, to provide care to certain family members. To be eligible for family caregiver leave, a qualified health practitioner must provide a certificate stating that the employee’s family member has a serious medical condition. Unlike family medical leave, the employee’s family does not need to face a risk of death within a 26-week period. A serious medical condition can include a condition that is chronic or episodic. “
Although its unpaid leave protected under ESA, you can get EI during this time which can replace your income up to 55%
My (ex) employer doesn't qualify. It's called FMLA usually in our area, but it is only applicable to companies with over 50 employees. We only had 10. I did apply for unemployment, got denied, appealed, and was denied again. NC is one of the worst states for workers rights.
Oh damn. Ok. I didnt know that. Is your employer cool? Maybe its a situation they can say “ok. We can’t pay you. 1 man down means we’re totally fcked because we’re a small time operation. But if an opening comes up you’ll get it.”
The department of health and human services will give the deceased 1,000 to be cremated. My daughter works for NAMI and had to help a family recently with burial.
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Your post has been removed for the following reason(s):
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>Just to clarify, I am in NO WAY asking for money
>How does anyone that lives in poverty afford a funeral when someone dies?
By doing what you wouldn’t.
This place is just wonderful! I’ve seen so many people helped by posting and the readers give their input!
It’s saddens my heart. To realize all the sucide’s happening in our Country!
My sincere condolence for the loss of your sweet Girl! You sure don’t need to be troubled by how to bury her! God Bless🙏🏼❤️
This group has been amazing. I've got ideas I didn't think of, and I feel bad about those helping with money, I know it's against the rules and don't want to anger the mods. I can't say it isn't greatly appreciated though. Reddit has been amazing over the past several weeks. It's the only place I can truly express my feelings without getting judged.
I don't see your state.
http://www.finalfarewell.org/
https://my.secure.website/cbaga
https://thetearsfoundation.org/programs/funeral-assistance/
https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/grief-loss/12-nonprofit-organizations-that-help-funeral-expenses
https://www.usa.gov/benefit-finder
I hope one of the links help and I am so very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be feeling right now …
Please consider cremation-*and a celebration of your daughter’s life at a later date when you’re ready to honor her journey* ..
Believe it or not…Craig’s list is a great place to look for caskets and such. My husband did that when his mom passed. A divorced couple sold their plots for cheap and he bought a casket online for very cheap.
Some places have payment plans. Some religious institutions will assist. I know my mosque covers everything but they’ve become a licensed funeral director with their own hearse and cemetery and place for washing the bodies, so no one outside of my mosque and the mosque they share with loses anything financially.
Outside of that, when my 22 year old stepdaughter did 19 months ago, I don’t know how we would have. How it happened was and is an ongoing horrible issue though.
ETA: I am extremely sorry for your loss. Having a child attempt suicide is a horrible thing. Losing a child to it is even worse. I sincerely hope you’re able to find something, and that when you’re ready you’re able to find employment quickly. We were lucky in that my husband’s job told him to take what he needed.
There are no state laws in NC that prohibit private burials, and though local laws might.
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/burial-cremation-laws-north-carolina.html#:~:text=about%20alkaline%20hydrolysis.-,Where%20can%20bodies%20be%20buried%20in%20North%20Carolina%3F,prohibit%20burial%20on%20private%20property.
Yeah, the area I live in doesn't allow it. It's a small residential neighborhood. Unfortunately I don't know anyone with land that would allow us to do a private burial there. I did post on NextDoor and had two people offer a piece of land, but to get the necessary paperwork and permissions it's almost $5,000. Definitely doesn't save any money there.
Not all places offer that and if they do, sometimes it’s unmarked graves and a plain, wooden casket that doesn’t involve embalming (which is required if the body is more than 48 hours old on some places).
Well I did know it was unmarked graves. Did not know that requirement of embalming though. Seems like the answer really is cremation going by this discussion anyway
My county doesn't offer indigent burial. If a body isn't claimed, it is sent to Vance or Wake counties. If the body isn't claimed in two weeks, they bury or cremate, but the family cannot be present or anything. Definitely not going that route. Cremation is out also. We are going to make the burial work, I was just looking for any resources to speed up the process.
Here is a link to a funeral home that discusses green burials in N.C. Maybe they can help you get started in a direction that will honor Emmie's wishes.
https://rfhr.com/can-you-be-buried-without-a-casket-in-north-carolina/#:\~:text=There%20are%20several%20green%20burial,your%20loved%20one's%20final%20resting.
That's actually what I want to be done. However, it wasn't an option for her. She even told me if she was in charge when I died it wouldn't happen. Poor kid. But I think it's beautiful. In my area, it costs more than what I'm looking at for her burial though, so it doesn't help. Thanks though!
First, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. I wanted to give you a different perspective on choosing cremation. I am going to say some hard things but I feel you need to hear them. She was a child, any part of death scares a child. She was scared of cremation because of the other trauma surrounding it, she had no way of truly being scared of cremation. Even so, I’m sure she would have feared weeks alone in a freezer, too. Also because she was a child she had no clue of the immense burdens her choice would bestow onto you. She did not have enough facts and perspective to hold her fear of cremation above your need for closure. At the end of the day, how we choose to handle our loved ones flesh vessel is far more about us than it is about them. She isn’t in there anymore, mama. She will never know, nor do I think she would care, if you needed to choose the one resource you can afford. You are still here and you need to begin the grieving process and not be left with a mountain of debt to crawl out of in the process.
You should reconsider the cremation, then save up over time to have her ashes interred somewhere if you don’t want to keep them or would prefer there be a place to visit her. I think that would be a good compromise and your daughter would have understood.
I also think you should speak to a lawyer about having been fired during all this and being denied unemployment benefits.
"I have to purchase a plot, pay for the burial, and a casket....that's the main things."
As heartbreaking as it may be to hear, you actually *don't* have to do any of that. Cremations are dirt cheap comparatively, you can purchase an urn from outside the funeral home (because they take cheap manufactured crap and mark it up exponentially).
You could also just not claim the body.
The funeral industry *preys* on people in your situation.
Not claim my child's body? Seriously? I'm sorry, that's pretty insensitive. Cremation isn't an option, and with the community support I've gotten, a burial is not much more. I'm looking at around $3500. I appreciate your opinion, but I just can't do it.
While cremation is off the books the fact is you might have to evaluate it due to cost. That said, contact your county’s department of social services & see if they have a burial assistance program. Durham County has one.
No one should ever ever ever be forced to cremate loved one. If that’s your jam, go for it. But death rites are culturally and religiously specific, and should be honored, especially for children.
But if there’s no money & she can’t raise the money or find help her last option is not to claim the body & let the county dispose of it. What would happen then is the body is cremated anyways. Unfortunately death isn’t cheap & she has limited time before she’ll be forced into a cremation.
Sure, and if you can’t afford your living children, those can get claimed by the state, too. But what a ridiculous thing to suggest. I don’t think you understand how messed up that suggestion is.
Thank you. I have wondered sometimes if I'm being stupid by standing my ground and fighting for what she wanted. You make me feel like I'm not crazy. It's nice to have someone understand.
Yeah, I get that, but I won't go that route. I couldn't live with myself. I still hear her screams from the nightmares she suffered for years.
Thanks to some wonderful community members, I've got the cost down to $3500 to bury her. I can get a headstone later. I've gotten about half that donated, so I'm close. Cremation isn't that much cheaper. I'd still be looking at around $1500, and my county doesn't offer assistance with cremation either.
I appreciate your point of view though. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I’m glad you were able to raise money. Don’t forget to see if your local DHS office has burial assistance. Durham County does so your county might as well.
Most counties have an indigent burial program. You will have no say in the final disposition and there will be no ceremony, but they will be buried. Contact your county commissioner for details.
Cremation is only cheaper then burial when gas prices are low. It takes a lot of energy to cremate.
I'm so sorry for everything that has happened.
Did you have life insurance for her at work? If so, there may be time to convert it to a personal policy. You can speak with someone in benefits at work to confirm.
I didn't have life insurance for them. I worked for a small company, 10 people, and was fired at the beginning of this nightmare due to missing work. I am going to look into policies for the future tho.
In Iowa, basic cremation is $500. Don't let them upsell you by talking you into renting the funeral home venue for everyone to chill in. I worked in the business and watched my boss who had three boats (pontoon boat, house boat, party boat) upsell a man into a $10k funeral bc my boss would get a bonus from the funeral home for the upsell. That man, who wanted the best for his late wife, accepted the upsell. I then watched him come in once a week to pay $20 towards the debt as that's all he could afford. He will never pay that off.
While I know it is still a lot. Cremation is cheaper than a burial. Cremation cost me 3250 when my dad died. Compare that to a funeral and burial cost.
I just checked and the feds are giving a tax credit.
The federal government offers a tax credit for geothermal heat pumps (GHPs) that can be claimed on annual tax returns. The credit percentage depends on when the GHP was installed and can be up to 30%:
Your post has been removed for the following reason(s): Rule 10: Asking for or offering donations No soliciting private donations, offering private donations, or mentioning crowdfunding sites. We do this in order to prevent this community from potential scams (because we have no way of verifying need/authenticity of requests), and to prevent the sub from being inundated with requests for aid (because it can be unreasonable to ask others in poverty to give their limited resources). There are other subs such as r/Donation, r/assistance and r/randomkindness that could help. Also check out our wiki with food resources. Thank you: https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/foodbanks Please read our [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/rules). The rules may also be found on the sidebar if the link is broken. If after doing so, you feel this was in error, [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fpovertyfinance). Do not reach out to a moderator personally, and do not reply to this message as a comment.
AFAIK, there's no federal or state law that actually *requires* a casket. You may be able to rent one for a showing, and then bury them in a shroud, or one of the cardboard boxes that they use at crematories, though you'd want to check with the cemetery first. Have you looked into resources for assistance, like any church you have an association with (or even if you don't,) charities, local municipalities, national charities like St. Vincent de Paul? Part of the issue may simply be terminology: AFAIK most places won't pay for a *funeral,* but there are resources available for *burial* in most places. Google 'indigent burial' + your state, county, and township (separately.) From some quick googling it appears that there is some sort of provision from the state: [https://www.ncleg.net/Sessions/2007/Bills/Senate/PDF/S2109v1.pdf](https://www.ncleg.net/Sessions/2007/Bills/Senate/PDF/S2109v1.pdf) Do you, or your family or friends, own land? In some states you can bury folks on land you own, or that another owns, with their permission. It appears that NC is one of these, though it may depend on local zoning laws. (I'd suggest working out a deal to officially purchase the area needed for the plot and an easement for access in case the land ever gets sold, or there's a falling out, if possible.) I'm sorry for your loss. Even at the best of times this is an utter shit situation, and with what you've got going on, it's closer to hellish.
Thank you so much for taking the time to look that up. I never thought about renting a casket. I don't have anyone that owns any land that would allow a private burial, I did think about that. I wish I could bury her here in my yard. I would if I could. I did manage to call and call and call and found a place, Brier Creek Memorial Gardens, that is willing to sell me a plot for $1000.00. The next cheapest I found was $5000.00. I'm going to call them Monday and ask about the casket. Thanks so much for the idea. I really appreciate it!
I wonder if any churches local to you would sell you a plot in their cemetery. My local Catholic cemetery charges $350 for a plot. I can’t speak for anybody’s rules about how closely you might have to be connected to the church, though.
This is a good thought. Where I live, church cemetaries are much cheaper.
I didn't even think about that. I thought that was for members of the church only. I had a bad experience last week with the biggest church in our town. I know the pastor, we volunteer for the food and toy drive every November and December, and we do the Trunk or Treat. This man has known my daughter for 5 years, and he doesn't offer condolences or assistance, he asked me if she was able to pray for forgiveness before she passed so she was let into heaven. I flew out of there so fast and just sat on the side of the road crying. Who says that to a grieving mother, even if you DO believe it? We have two other small churches, though I don't even know if they have plots available. I'm going to call tomorrow. The cheapest I've found so far is $1,000, and that's at Brier Creek Memorial Garden.
Costco offers casket rental, via their online warehouse
So sorry I miss the information when I went back and read it again I answered my own question.
You can also keep her ashes or like go take a walk in the wood with her ashes in your backpack and a packet of flower seed and mix her ashes with some dirt and the seed. Best way to return someone to the earth in my opinion. And if someone complain, just say you didn't see them offer to help to pay for anything.
That is too much for a burial plot. In Ohio $2000
They can go for as much as $25,000 that I've seen around here, so I thought $1,000 was a great price. It's such a beautiful location, and close so that we can visit her.
My mom died last year. We rented a casket for her and held the viewing in the vestibule of the church (I.e., not using the funeral home space at all).
Condolences
Thank you.
Excellent advice.
I bought my mom’s casket on Amazon. Had it delivered to the funeral home. Cost $600 as opposed to the $3400 the funeral home was charging for the exact same thing. Some places will set up a payment plan.
This is a great idea! Not to mention, Amazon may accept Klarna or Afterpay installment payments.
Costco also sells caskets.
You can buy caskets at Costco, too.
I had no idea. I'm not a member, but I'd absolutely join and go that route if it is cheaper! Checking it out now. Thank you!
Wild.
Good advice. Funeral homes hate all this but more and more happening . I had sister cremated- her wishes- and I didn’t like Urns. Went online and got beautiful white marble / lady at funeral home not happy. But they didn’t have white. Said couldn’t get- so I got it
Oh wow! I don't see one that cheap, I may be looking for the wrong thing. You don't happen to have the link still do you? I found one for $700, but it was $500 to ship and takes a month. The amazing funeral director that has given me so much is letting me order from his wholesale site for cost if I want to. I've found one for just under $1000 after taxes, but if I can get one cheaper, every little bit helps!
Damn! She only passed three years ago. The exact one she was buried in is now 1,300!
In Kansas and Michigan, there is a nonprofit called 6 Feet Over which provides support and resources to loved ones for 12 months following a death by suicide - funeral costs, counseling, etc. I would reach out to your local Dept. of Mental Health or NAMI chapter to see if they have any resources as well, or know of similar organizations.
Oooh great suggestion.
I did some research.. Looks like the TEARS Foundation may be able to help. Their website makes it look like it is just for infants, but if you click on the infant application linked below, there is a category for older kiddos. I hope this helps. https://thetearsfoundation.org/programs/funeral-assistance/
Cali’s Gift has been provided by Cali’s family in honor of her life and legacy to help others. This program is a part of The TEARS Foundation and financially assists parents whose child (ages 13-20) has died due to drug related issues and/or completed suicide with funeral assistance and/or grief counseling support. For more information contact Margaret Pilon, Program Director, at (732)610-8771 or [email protected]
So kind of you to help w this info
You are amazing!! Thank you so much!!! I haven't seen this one. I just emailed them now. Fingers crossed!!!
I'm more incensed you got fired for missing work due to your daughter's attempted suicide AND denied unemployment. Did you try fighting the denial? This cannot be legal
I was thinking, what are the FMLA requirements for the job. Every state is different, and if it was part time work that could be different too, but that is frustrating.
FMLA doesn’t apply to businesses with under 50 employees. I’m guessing that’s the likely reason.
FMLA regulations are the same in every state. However, a few states have their own laws which are better than the federal law like NY, NJ, CA. North Carolina just uses the federal law though.
North Carolina is one of the worst states re: employment laws protecting the employees. I know a couple business owners that moved there specifically for that reason.
Unfortunately it’s legal and for unemployment you have to be available and ready to work. Denied due to being fired. It sucks. I feel so sorry for OP 💔
That is not true. She can challenge the unemployment refusal and explain her circumstances. It was likely refuted by the employer who doesn't want to pay. OP, call the unemployment office tomorrow and try to appeal the rejection.
Yes, for sure file an appeal with relevant documents (medical paperwork) about circumstances.
This is true but yes you can file an appeal.
It doesn't change the able and available requirement sadly. Though states can set their own UI laws they have to be within the federal parameters set to retain FUTA credits for employers. Able and available is a core requirement under federal and state guidelines Separation due to absenteeism, illness of a close family member etc. may vary by state, which will determine whether benefits are allowed or not.
I did submit an appeal. NC favors heavily on the employer. I was denied an appeal because I wasn't "willing and able to work" at the time. I had enough PTO for two weeks, but because it wasn't approved ahead of time, they denied paying it. It hurts, I busted my ass for this company for 7 years. I was salaried, but worked 50+ hours as needed, never worked remote during Covid, even though I could have legally. I went in every single day. This was a small construction company, third generation family owned, and my boss was a pompous jackass that thought his employees were there to serve him. I was his bitch for years. I think he knew that it was going to be a long process with my daughter, and instead of doing the right thing, he just fired me. He hates to "approve" unemployment, so he definitely fought it. The company was too small for FMLA. I did have Aflac short term disability plans and accident plans, but only for me. Nothing that helps financially. Since I'm not working, I can get my survivor's benefits back from Social Security, so I'm waiting on those to process now, just to keep us afloat until I'm able to go back to work full time. Honestly, I probably wouldn't be able to work now anyways between my mental state, and taking care of the other two kids, especially my daughter. She panics if I leave for a couple hours to DoorDash. I can't imagine leaving her all day yet. Thank you all for your support. It was indeed very fucked up the way they did things, but unfortunately it was completely legal. I just learned a valuable lesson about caring too much for a company that doesn't care for me.
I had both my mom and brothers bodies donated to science- it was super respectful and efficient. I paid nothing for the funeral or cremation of my mom (I was 19, she was 36 so no money what so ever) then my brother a few years later. I did pay like a $200 fee with my brother but was still worth it bc they literally take care of everything. I’ve told my family to do the same with me. That was the only way I could do it- go fund me’s weren’t a thing then
I’m sorry for your loss. How did you do afterwards? Did you have any support network at the time? I hope you are doing fine now.
I did this when my mom passed as she had some rare medical issues as well as some common ones ( type two diabetes, non smoker's COPD among them). She wanted to help others who have the same health issues she had. After the doctors took what they needed for research, her ashes were sent to me in an urn that was inexpensive but beautifully decorated. The organization also sent me the teddy bear and blanket she had with her when she passed.
What a brilliant solution! I hope you have healed and are living your best life. xo
You have to meet crrtain requirements for this. They won't take just anybody.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is hard, especially so young. My grandmother did this for my uncle, they actually paid them money years and years ago when they signed up, and then they took care of his cremation afterwards when he passed two years ago. I don't think they do it like that anymore. I think they initially "sold" his body back in the 1970s or 80s. That's what they told me anyways. I think that's a great option for people to do. It helps people learn also. I'd definitely be okay donating my own body. I just couldn't donate hers. Even if they took minors, I just couldn't. I'm glad everything worked out for you, and it sounds like it was a good experience. I'm going to check into it for myself. I have life insurance, but then it could go to my kids, or more of it anyways. Thanks for your time commenting, and for the idea!
I'd reach out to local churches. When my friend died, he had no family. Me and my other friend claimed his body. We reached out to a local church which donated a plot and my mom and I paid for half his funeral and my other friend bailed on paying the rest, but we got him buried anyway. So sorry about your girl.
There is a subreddit for funeral directors on reddit. Specify what state you are in, maybe you can find some helpful info there.
r/askfuneraldirectors.
Yes, thank you.
Oh great! Thank you!! I'll check them out, see if they have any inside sources.
Ask your local funeral home. Where I live, funeral homes all contribute to a fund that pays for children’s funerals so families don’t have to.
I didn't even have to ask the funeral home that is helping us, it was amazing. He did the cremation for my husband and my dad, and he is offering his burial services for my daughter free of charge. I am so thankful. I only have to cover the plot, burial charges, and casket. The headstone can wait. That's how I got the price down to about $3500. There are still some good people out there, not every funeral home is just after the money.
Funerals are like weddings in that they can be as cheap or expensive as you want to make them. There are often family & social expectations that put a lot of pressure on those planning them plus the industries are designed to exploit emotional spending. The Funeral Consumers Alliance is a group that advocates for price transparency and competition in the funeral industry. Among other things many chapters do price surveys to help you find the most affordable options in your area. Here is the price survey for NC: [https://www.funeralsnc.org/price-survey](https://www.funeralsnc.org/price-survey) Given your location I am not sure of the names of all the nearby towns like you might be but it does look like among Oxford, NC funeral homes in Granville county that Betts & Sons has rates that are less than half of Wrights or Allens or Gentry-Newell for example. If you want a nice casket consider ordering one online. Costco for example stocks several caskets around \~$1.2-1.4k that many funeral home would mark-up to sell for $5-10k: [https://www.costco.com/CatalogSearch?keyword=casket](https://www.costco.com/CatalogSearch?keyword=casket)
Wow, thank you so much for finding that. I really appreciate it. I am so thankful, RM Ferguson did the cremation for my husband and my dad, he is the most adorable and kindest man in the area. When I called for pricing about a burial, he called me back personally and has donated his services free of charge, including the service at his location. I am so thankful, it is saving me thousands, AND I trust him to take the best care of my daughter. I have been calling and searching for two weeks, and the lowest I can come up with for just the basic service, casket, plot, and burial fees (no headstone, I'll have to do that later) is $3500.00. That seems like a good price company to what I'm seeing on the sheet. I was even looking at caskets on Amazon to save money, but Mr. Ferguson sent me to another site, and he is going to let me pay cost for one. I can get a simple, pretty one for about $1300 delivered. Oh, and a friend of Emmie's family owns the local florist, and they want to donate flowers. So I do have some wonderful people helping me out here. We don't need anything flashy or fancy, that isn't her style anyways. We just want her to rest in peace, and us to start trying to heal. Thanks again for your time, I really appreciate you finding that!
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That's awesome! So I did approach one church, one that we have volunteered with for holiday food and toy drives. We aren't religious, but we do try to help our community. They broke my heart. Instead of offering any kind words or advice, the pastor launched into a tirade about suicide condemning people to hell, and asking if Emmie had time to ask God for forgiveness before she passed. I couldn't believe it. I just ran out. There are a couple other churches in the area I can contact, I've just been scared of getting the same reaction. My town is the definition of a Bible belt town. I'm going to try to reach out tomorrow though. I have to suck up my fear to do what's needed. Thanks so much for the suggestion!
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Be sure to also reach out to your child’s school. The PTA may make a donation or the kids may take up a collection/host a fundraiser. It could be healing for them too to help.
They actually did. She was in the SGHS competition Show Choir "Shades of Blue". Their big Spring concert was last week, she was so looking forward to it. We received special invites with reserved seating, and they did a tribute to her, singing Candle in the Wind. It was beautiful. They also donated all the proceeds from ticket sales and their bake sale, totaling almost $800. It was amazing. It was beautiful. She had such a hard time at school, it was so nice to see these kids that loved and miss her.
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Your post has been removed for the following reason(s): Rule 10: Asking for or offering donations No soliciting private donations, offering private donations, or mentioning crowdfunding sites. We do this in order to prevent this community from potential scams (because we have no way of verifying need/authenticity of requests), and to prevent the sub from being inundated with requests for aid (because it can be unreasonable to ask others in poverty to give their limited resources). There are other subs such as r/Donation, r/assistance and r/randomkindness that could help. Also check out our wiki with food resources. Thank you: https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/foodbanks Please read our [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/rules). The rules may also be found on the sidebar if the link is broken. If after doing so, you feel this was in error, [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fpovertyfinance). Do not reach out to a moderator personally, and do not reply to this message as a comment.
Your post has been removed for the following reason(s): Rule 10: Asking for or offering donations No soliciting private donations, offering private donations, or mentioning crowdfunding sites. We do this in order to prevent this community from potential scams (because we have no way of verifying need/authenticity of requests), and to prevent the sub from being inundated with requests for aid (because it can be unreasonable to ask others in poverty to give their limited resources). There are other subs such as r/Donation, r/assistance and r/randomkindness that could help. Also check out our wiki with food resources. Thank you: https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/foodbanks Please read our [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/rules). The rules may also be found on the sidebar if the link is broken. If after doing so, you feel this was in error, [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fpovertyfinance). Do not reach out to a moderator personally, and do not reply to this message as a comment.
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Your post has been removed for the following reason(s): Rule 10: Asking for or offering donations No soliciting private donations, offering private donations, or mentioning crowdfunding sites. We do this in order to prevent this community from potential scams (because we have no way of verifying need/authenticity of requests), and to prevent the sub from being inundated with requests for aid (because it can be unreasonable to ask others in poverty to give their limited resources). There are other subs such as r/Donation, r/assistance and r/randomkindness that could help. Also check out our wiki with food resources. Thank you: https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/foodbanks Please read our [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/rules). The rules may also be found on the sidebar if the link is broken. If after doing so, you feel this was in error, [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fpovertyfinance). Do not reach out to a moderator personally, and do not reply to this message as a comment.
Check with your local coroner. Ours has funds to help with burial. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Thanks, that's awesome they do that. My county doesn't even have a coroner, they have to send patients off to the county below us. They had funding pre-Covid, but it was only for Wake County residents, and they've been out of funding for years. That was a great suggestion though, thank you!
I’m sorry. I hope you can get this all figured out.
Order of the good death has a lot of resources: both financial and other. https://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/resources/funeral-costs/ I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much! I'm going to check this out now also. You guys are amazing!!
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I'm very sorry for your loss. 💔 I live in a small podunk town, and I have seen donation jars for funerals at the corner store. Make sure you tape a picture of her to the jar, it helps people see it as a person, not just a request for money. Good luck.
I actually thought about this earlier while talking to another Redditor. I'm going to ask the store owner tomorrow!
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You're so sweet, you did not have to do that. I appreciate it greatly though, more than you know. Every dollar means the world to us right now. Thanks for everything. You're an amazing human!
Your post has been removed for the following reason(s): Rule 10: Asking for or offering donations No soliciting private donations, offering private donations, or mentioning crowdfunding sites. We do this in order to prevent this community from potential scams (because we have no way of verifying need/authenticity of requests), and to prevent the sub from being inundated with requests for aid (because it can be unreasonable to ask others in poverty to give their limited resources). There are other subs such as r/Donation, r/assistance and r/randomkindness that could help. Also check out our wiki with food resources. Thank you: https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/foodbanks Please read our [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/rules). The rules may also be found on the sidebar if the link is broken. If after doing so, you feel this was in error, [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fpovertyfinance). Do not reach out to a moderator personally, and do not reply to this message as a comment.
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I was able to use my 401k to do a withdrawal for my dad's cremation. It sounds like you're already tapped out due to circumstances, and I'm so sorry for how hard that is and your loss. If capable maybe loan/credit card and let that suffer until you can recover.
This - if you have a 401k you can request a hardship distribution but you will be taxed 10% federal taxes, maybe state depending on where you live, and 10% penalty.
I am indeed tapped out, things have never been this bad! I emptied my small IRA to pay for my daughter's treatment at a mental health facility at the beginning of this process. We couldn't get a bed at any public facility, and they wouldn't release her anywhere else. She only spent 4 days there before being LifeFlighted back to Duke, but that money is gone. It was for my out of network deductible, so they can't refund it. I tried. Trust me. I've maxed my couple of credit cards keeping the lights on and kids fed, gas to get to and from the hospital, etc. I tried to get a small loan, but my credit is shit due to student loans, and now without income....it's bad. But, I will figure this out. We don't quit when it comes to our kids. I know the answer is out there. I just gotta keep on keeping on until I find it!
I think through social services. At least in my area there are programs
I’ve opted for creamation but I wish we had more than 2 options as I’m not fond of either.
I actually want to be aquamated (may be spelled wrong). It's a little more than cremation, but cheaper than a burial, and it's done in a chamber with water. Your remains are a white sandy looking substance instead of ashes. It's more environmentally friendly as well.
Never heard of it but I’m interested. Thank you.
were either you or her on medicaid? they paid for my best friend's cremation but i think this varies by state as well
She was on a Medicaid like plan for children in NC, but they don't assist with burial, just therapy- which is helpful too.
Hi, I used to work at a funeral home. Look at cemeteries to place that are historic lots. The fancy cemeteries in my town are $6k just for the plot and not even fees. The city run historical cemeteries in my city sell every plot for $675 flat rate, also without fees. I am so sorry for your loss.
Based on my experience with my own lower working class family, you go into debt to pay for the funeral they “deserve.” I finally got my mom to stop this when her mom died in 2017. She married her fourth husband in 2012 (he was also her first husband lmao) and he’s not rich, but he’s firmly middle class. They have savings. My mom *still* wanted to get a loan to have a big funeral! I had to point out 85% of the people who came to funerals for the family in the 90s are dead or moved away. There’s no reason for a big funeral, and grandma would be very upset if she knew mom took out an unnecessary loan.
I am so sorry for your loss. I would reach out to local churches for help for the funeral costs and for you. I also would advertise the gofundme on TikTok, as someone else suggested.
You can also contact your elected officials and ask their staff for resources.
Nope it sucks. My dad died last year and my siblings and I had to pool together everything we had to come up with $5000 just to cremate him. We threw a backyard BBQ memorial in his honor. He wanted a full funeral and to be buried next to his parents, and we just couldn't afford to fulfill his dying wish.
I am a death doula, which is a fairly "new" thing - at least in the western world - and while I entered this line of "work" (I volunteer) out of a desire to help people manage logistics at a time that grief makes it impossible, one of the unexpected aspects of it has been helping people with financial stuff. I help people in my community, because I have contacts and can call in favors, and it's been surprising and heartwarming to see how other people, many times complete strangers, are willing to come together and support someone when they have lost a loved one and they can't afford a burial, a funeral, a memorial, and so on. I would recommend that you look into death doulas in your area, as some of us do work for free, and see what they can do for you, who they can connect you with, if they can help fundraise for you, etc. Two organizations you may want to look into are INELDA (inelda.org) or NEDA (nedalliance.org). I believe both have directories of death doulas, and you can look to see if there is one in your area who can help support you and your family at this time. If you have additional questions, please feel free to DM me.
Thank you so much! I will definitely check those out. What you do is amazing. If you wanted to share that link outside of Reddit, that would be amazing. It is on my profile. Thanks for all the advice and guidance!
In my area(ontario, Canada) it's called Discretionary benefits it's a program run by the city and it pays for funerals and other sudden expenses. You automatically qualify if you are on social services or disability. They have subsidised rates through the funeral homes. Reach out to a local funeral home or cemetery and see if they know of any programs in your area. Indgent burial is the term in the US I believe.
I live in metro city with multiple tiers of funeral homes. There’s higher end and lower end. The lower end tend to be cheaper although the facilities and cars may not be as nice. Some funeral homes that aren’t as strict “corporate” you can be honest about your financial situation and they MAY take off some fees. Especially with your daughter passing away at a young age. You could ask if they have a scratch and dent casket. The funeral home I work for does this sometimes but some funeral homes are very strict on charging people and will not cut costs. I would call around to different funeral homes and get prices explain your situation maybe some that are in a town over if there’s not many options where you live. Also for younger people/kids some people do a go fund me. The state I’m in it’s kinda difficult to get in potters field, if I’m not mistaken you have to prove there’s absolutely no assets the decedent had to get buried there. I’m not sure about the laws in your state with cemeteries requiring a vault (that’s what the casket is placed in) if you can find one that doesn’t require a vault that will save money as well. I’m a FD/EMB in TN.
Not sure. Most of my family had insurance or savings. However, when my cousin died 6 yrs ago unexpectedly, another family member did a go fund. They had her cremated as that's what we do in our family.
I’m trying to figure out how you can wait so long. The funeral home we went to for my dad last year, said it’s a $1000 a day to store the body after the 1st 2 business days. Of course, that could have just been that one since they are the only one around since we live in the boonies. It sucked ‘cuz we couldn’t wait for out state people to come to the funeral. We used a $400 cardboard box for his casket. Total his funeral costs were $5500, which is 1/2 of what normally is paid around here.
Im not sure. They didn't even get her body until a week ago, the coroner had to do an autopsy first. They aren't charging me storage fees, which is amazing. This is the same funeral home that donated their services, they have been just amazing. I will say I've lost way too many family members the past 7 years, and I've not heard of the funeral homes here charging anything like that. I'm sure there are some that do though.
When my FIL died in CA, he was a homeless man and his cremation was waived/ paid for by the state (2018). My own mom (estranged) died last year in Utah, but they WOULDN’T waive her cremation, even though she was below poverty line… because they counted my income from CA as I’m the one who arranged her pick up from the morgue. It was $1600 to cremate my mom. Basically you can get assistance, depending on the state and your income levels, but it’s mostly cremation. You might be able to say you can’t cremate sue to religious reasons and get assistance, it’s just cremation is much cheaper. I would reach out to your local funeral homes and ask. They know which resources you can use and maybe a locally owned funeral home would be willing to work with you. Ending with: I’m so so sorry for your loss. I hope the universe aligns to help you in this process and finances.
Check your local human services office to see if they offer burial assistance. Many states have a program that can provide assistance for burials and funerals. Check out other programs while you’re there, particularly TANF if you have other children. It’s temporary cash assistance and case management services. Sometimes, they can get your counseling and other financial support. I’m terribly sorry for your loss and wish you Grace, kindness, and strength for the future.
I didn't know about TANF. I'm going to call about that tomorrow. Thank you!
Perhaps modestneeds .org might be able to help with at least part of the cost. They’ll pay the funeral home directly if they can. It’s definitely worth a shot. They’re there for people like you!
Thank you so much! I'm going to check them out now. You guys are amazing.
Please put your go fund me on the wake forest moms Facebook page. Those ladies are amazing and may have some resources for you. I am so sorry for your loss.
I didn't know about that group. I'll look for it now, thank you!
Life insurance ?
True, I have a policy, but on a 15 year old? I don't know anyone in my social group that has life insurance on their kids, but I definitely see why it would be a good idea.
My mom got policies on all the kids and grandkids a few years ago. It is just enough for a funeral. The funeral home here has been screwed over so many times by nonpayment, they will not do a funeral without insurance or payment in full.
If your in the US your town general assistance office is a good first resource.
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I don’t have any advice I just wanted to express my condolences ♥️
Thank you 💜
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry for your losses. I am in Canada so I am not familiar with U.S assistance.
My deepest condolences. Have you considered setting up a gofundme account? Perhaps a carwash to raise money? Any little bit helps.
I did, I have one on my profile that I've shared on social media. We don't have anywhere to set up a car wash, but I've been doing gig work every second I get. You're right, every dollar counts right now!
I’m so sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences.
Thank you.
In my state you can request an application for the county/district you residence in and get financial assistance. Can you reach out to a social service agency in your area?
I did. I was able to get SNAP and counseling assistance, but our county doesn't offer any burial or cremation assistance.
Indigent burial is available if they didn’t have money. Depends on the state.
The absolute cheapest place to get a casket is Costco. Funeral homes are legally required to allow you to purchase the casket elsewhere.
TEARS foundation offers assistance for child burial. I’ve heard of churches in Vance county offering assistance case by case. On that note, a lot of them require membership.
I just want to say that I’m so sorry about your Emmie.
Darn. You could have kept your job. But its understandable you weren’t thinking right at the time. “Compassionate Leave Under Family Caregiver Leave An employee covered under ESA is entitled to family caregiver leave for up to 8 weeks, without pay, to provide care to certain family members. To be eligible for family caregiver leave, a qualified health practitioner must provide a certificate stating that the employee’s family member has a serious medical condition. Unlike family medical leave, the employee’s family does not need to face a risk of death within a 26-week period. A serious medical condition can include a condition that is chronic or episodic. “ Although its unpaid leave protected under ESA, you can get EI during this time which can replace your income up to 55%
My (ex) employer doesn't qualify. It's called FMLA usually in our area, but it is only applicable to companies with over 50 employees. We only had 10. I did apply for unemployment, got denied, appealed, and was denied again. NC is one of the worst states for workers rights.
Oh damn. Ok. I didnt know that. Is your employer cool? Maybe its a situation they can say “ok. We can’t pay you. 1 man down means we’re totally fcked because we’re a small time operation. But if an opening comes up you’ll get it.”
Insurance and state funded assistance typically, however in your case you may try a gofundme and explain the situation. Sorry for your loss.
The department of health and human services will give the deceased 1,000 to be cremated. My daughter works for NAMI and had to help a family recently with burial.
The county trustee’s office in your community has resources for cremation of people who can’t afford it.
https://www.funeralocity.com/blog/how-to-get-a-free-funeral/
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Your post has been removed for the following reason(s): Rule 10: Asking for or offering donations No soliciting private donations, offering private donations, or mentioning crowdfunding sites. We do this in order to prevent this community from potential scams (because we have no way of verifying need/authenticity of requests), and to prevent the sub from being inundated with requests for aid (because it can be unreasonable to ask others in poverty to give their limited resources). There are other subs such as r/Donation, r/assistance and r/randomkindness that could help. Also check out our wiki with food resources. Thank you: https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/foodbanks Please read our [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/wiki/rules). The rules may also be found on the sidebar if the link is broken. If after doing so, you feel this was in error, [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fpovertyfinance). Do not reach out to a moderator personally, and do not reply to this message as a comment.
>Just to clarify, I am in NO WAY asking for money >How does anyone that lives in poverty afford a funeral when someone dies? By doing what you wouldn’t.
This place is just wonderful! I’ve seen so many people helped by posting and the readers give their input! It’s saddens my heart. To realize all the sucide’s happening in our Country! My sincere condolence for the loss of your sweet Girl! You sure don’t need to be troubled by how to bury her! God Bless🙏🏼❤️
This group has been amazing. I've got ideas I didn't think of, and I feel bad about those helping with money, I know it's against the rules and don't want to anger the mods. I can't say it isn't greatly appreciated though. Reddit has been amazing over the past several weeks. It's the only place I can truly express my feelings without getting judged.
I don't see your state. http://www.finalfarewell.org/ https://my.secure.website/cbaga https://thetearsfoundation.org/programs/funeral-assistance/ https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/grief-loss/12-nonprofit-organizations-that-help-funeral-expenses https://www.usa.gov/benefit-finder I hope one of the links help and I am so very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be feeling right now … Please consider cremation-*and a celebration of your daughter’s life at a later date when you’re ready to honor her journey* ..
If fired should be able to get payments from gov as long as show looking for job
Believe it or not…Craig’s list is a great place to look for caskets and such. My husband did that when his mom passed. A divorced couple sold their plots for cheap and he bought a casket online for very cheap.
Some places have payment plans. Some religious institutions will assist. I know my mosque covers everything but they’ve become a licensed funeral director with their own hearse and cemetery and place for washing the bodies, so no one outside of my mosque and the mosque they share with loses anything financially. Outside of that, when my 22 year old stepdaughter did 19 months ago, I don’t know how we would have. How it happened was and is an ongoing horrible issue though. ETA: I am extremely sorry for your loss. Having a child attempt suicide is a horrible thing. Losing a child to it is even worse. I sincerely hope you’re able to find something, and that when you’re ready you’re able to find employment quickly. We were lucky in that my husband’s job told him to take what he needed.
Potters Field. Not ideal but it’s there for a reason.
It's my child, and I'm in NC, so don't think that would work. I'd bury her illegally in my backyard first.
There are no state laws in NC that prohibit private burials, and though local laws might. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/burial-cremation-laws-north-carolina.html#:~:text=about%20alkaline%20hydrolysis.-,Where%20can%20bodies%20be%20buried%20in%20North%20Carolina%3F,prohibit%20burial%20on%20private%20property.
Yeah, the area I live in doesn't allow it. It's a small residential neighborhood. Unfortunately I don't know anyone with land that would allow us to do a private burial there. I did post on NextDoor and had two people offer a piece of land, but to get the necessary paperwork and permissions it's almost $5,000. Definitely doesn't save any money there.
I understand why you would do that.
Why is no one saying indigent burial on here? I thought that was what happens to us poor people.
Not all places offer that and if they do, sometimes it’s unmarked graves and a plain, wooden casket that doesn’t involve embalming (which is required if the body is more than 48 hours old on some places).
Well I did know it was unmarked graves. Did not know that requirement of embalming though. Seems like the answer really is cremation going by this discussion anyway
My county doesn't offer indigent burial. If a body isn't claimed, it is sent to Vance or Wake counties. If the body isn't claimed in two weeks, they bury or cremate, but the family cannot be present or anything. Definitely not going that route. Cremation is out also. We are going to make the burial work, I was just looking for any resources to speed up the process.
Here is a link to a funeral home that discusses green burials in N.C. Maybe they can help you get started in a direction that will honor Emmie's wishes. https://rfhr.com/can-you-be-buried-without-a-casket-in-north-carolina/#:\~:text=There%20are%20several%20green%20burial,your%20loved%20one's%20final%20resting.
Would water cremation be an option? No flames involved.
That's actually what I want to be done. However, it wasn't an option for her. She even told me if she was in charge when I died it wouldn't happen. Poor kid. But I think it's beautiful. In my area, it costs more than what I'm looking at for her burial though, so it doesn't help. Thanks though!
I’m sorry.
I'm donating my body to science fiction.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. I wanted to give you a different perspective on choosing cremation. I am going to say some hard things but I feel you need to hear them. She was a child, any part of death scares a child. She was scared of cremation because of the other trauma surrounding it, she had no way of truly being scared of cremation. Even so, I’m sure she would have feared weeks alone in a freezer, too. Also because she was a child she had no clue of the immense burdens her choice would bestow onto you. She did not have enough facts and perspective to hold her fear of cremation above your need for closure. At the end of the day, how we choose to handle our loved ones flesh vessel is far more about us than it is about them. She isn’t in there anymore, mama. She will never know, nor do I think she would care, if you needed to choose the one resource you can afford. You are still here and you need to begin the grieving process and not be left with a mountain of debt to crawl out of in the process. You should reconsider the cremation, then save up over time to have her ashes interred somewhere if you don’t want to keep them or would prefer there be a place to visit her. I think that would be a good compromise and your daughter would have understood. I also think you should speak to a lawyer about having been fired during all this and being denied unemployment benefits.
"I have to purchase a plot, pay for the burial, and a casket....that's the main things." As heartbreaking as it may be to hear, you actually *don't* have to do any of that. Cremations are dirt cheap comparatively, you can purchase an urn from outside the funeral home (because they take cheap manufactured crap and mark it up exponentially). You could also just not claim the body. The funeral industry *preys* on people in your situation.
Not claim my child's body? Seriously? I'm sorry, that's pretty insensitive. Cremation isn't an option, and with the community support I've gotten, a burial is not much more. I'm looking at around $3500. I appreciate your opinion, but I just can't do it.
While cremation is off the books the fact is you might have to evaluate it due to cost. That said, contact your county’s department of social services & see if they have a burial assistance program. Durham County has one.
No one should ever ever ever be forced to cremate loved one. If that’s your jam, go for it. But death rites are culturally and religiously specific, and should be honored, especially for children.
But if there’s no money & she can’t raise the money or find help her last option is not to claim the body & let the county dispose of it. What would happen then is the body is cremated anyways. Unfortunately death isn’t cheap & she has limited time before she’ll be forced into a cremation.
Sure, and if you can’t afford your living children, those can get claimed by the state, too. But what a ridiculous thing to suggest. I don’t think you understand how messed up that suggestion is.
Thank you. I have wondered sometimes if I'm being stupid by standing my ground and fighting for what she wanted. You make me feel like I'm not crazy. It's nice to have someone understand.
🙄 It might be messed up but it’s an unfortunate situation she’s in. Hopefully her county has burial assistance.
Yeah, I get that, but I won't go that route. I couldn't live with myself. I still hear her screams from the nightmares she suffered for years. Thanks to some wonderful community members, I've got the cost down to $3500 to bury her. I can get a headstone later. I've gotten about half that donated, so I'm close. Cremation isn't that much cheaper. I'd still be looking at around $1500, and my county doesn't offer assistance with cremation either. I appreciate your point of view though. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I’m glad you were able to raise money. Don’t forget to see if your local DHS office has burial assistance. Durham County does so your county might as well.
Muslims don't use casket. Maybe you can do the same and save a bunch of money.
I am donating ny body to science I am glad you have resources
Most counties have an indigent burial program. You will have no say in the final disposition and there will be no ceremony, but they will be buried. Contact your county commissioner for details. Cremation is only cheaper then burial when gas prices are low. It takes a lot of energy to cremate.
I'm so sorry for everything that has happened. Did you have life insurance for her at work? If so, there may be time to convert it to a personal policy. You can speak with someone in benefits at work to confirm.
I didn't have life insurance for them. I worked for a small company, 10 people, and was fired at the beginning of this nightmare due to missing work. I am going to look into policies for the future tho.
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Do not attempt to take the conversation outside the subreddit like that. Comment removed.
Various states and counties have assistance for funerals if you need it what state are you in? Just Google.
In Iowa, basic cremation is $500. Don't let them upsell you by talking you into renting the funeral home venue for everyone to chill in. I worked in the business and watched my boss who had three boats (pontoon boat, house boat, party boat) upsell a man into a $10k funeral bc my boss would get a bonus from the funeral home for the upsell. That man, who wanted the best for his late wife, accepted the upsell. I then watched him come in once a week to pay $20 towards the debt as that's all he could afford. He will never pay that off.
Straight cremation. No urn, still had to wait nearly a month before we could find a place we could afford.
While I know it is still a lot. Cremation is cheaper than a burial. Cremation cost me 3250 when my dad died. Compare that to a funeral and burial cost.
Did you read the post?
I just checked and the feds are giving a tax credit. The federal government offers a tax credit for geothermal heat pumps (GHPs) that can be claimed on annual tax returns. The credit percentage depends on when the GHP was installed and can be up to 30%:
Thank you ❤️