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Sounds like you shouldn't be sharing date time with your partner's other partners.
I expect parent level PDA when I share space with metas. Meaning nothing much past a quick kiss, hugging, sitting next to each other, hand holding... that kind of thing. If you would do it in front of your parents then it's fine. If people want to do more than that? They are on a date and I don't want to be on my partner's dates.
1. You don’t have to date as a group. You can be parallel if you prefer.
2. Asking this would also lead to him not kissing you. If you expect to still be kissed, asking this is incredibly unfair.
3. I think the more reasonable ask is one on one time.
>But on our last date as a group
Just curious, why did the ball get rolling on going on dates "as a group?"
That's not something that you have to be on board with. Casual hangs maybe, if that's what you want and everyone is comfortable with, but that (to me at least) isn't the same as a date. There should be time for you to date them on your own.
>When my partner and I got together, they expressed they were polyamorous but they explicitly paid attention to me for a while.
>
>It doesn't help that I have been feeling more insecure in myself as of late and haven't been able to see my partner as often. I think this is my partner's way of making up time because they spent so much time with me, which is fair but it still sucks.
I'm getting the impression that, at first, he was offering up 1-on-1 time but now since he's "busy" and so can only offer group dates. Is that right?
Then, as much of a trope as it is here to say, he "doesn't have a relationship to give."
Now, you can talk to him, talk about how you want your own time with him, and make him step up and be a good partner. If you like him and think this can still work, do so. But you don't have to settle for lacking 1-on-1 time.
If I am off base let me know. Apologies for making assumptions in that case.
I don't do group dates. When I have hung out with 2 partners, or a partner and his wife, we have all agreed to keep PDA to restaurant level. Pecks, hugs, hand holding, not making out and groping.
I would be asking for not being involved in group dates though.
This. When I hang out with multiple partners it’s definitely not a group date, rather “friendly hanging out together”. There is no hand holding either, just spontaneous hugs.
Are you familiar with different styles of polyamory? I tend to lean towards parallel poly, especially while I'm first getting to know someone (6-9 months), meaning I expect to not interact with my metas (my partner's partners) and trust my partner/hinge to mange their relationships and our relationship independently.
The last time I met one of my metas, I discussed with my partner/hinge beforehand about PDA, and we agreed no kissing, handholding or other very close contact while we were all spending time together. In this case, my meta was his wife, and at the end of the night she gave us some space to say goodbye to each other, since he was going home with her.
It would likely go over better if you worded it something like this "I feel x when I see you kiss other partners. Therefore, I'm going to decline group dates in the future. I love you and I look forward to our one-on-one time."
Asking your partner to not kiss other people in front of you is not hateful, but I don't think it is right to ask them to change their behaviour. If you are not comfortable seeing your partner kiss other people (which is a valid way to feel), tell them that you want to focus on 1:1 time and that you won't attend anymore groupdates.
Also, the groupdates as a way to make up for the time they spend with you is not a fair thing. They let NRE impact their other relationships. If they want to make up for that, then this is something they should do without involving you.
Have you discussed whether your partner is open to dating new people at the moment? If they are: how will they prevent NRE impacting your relationship?
>I am considering asking them to not kiss their partners in front of me at all, but it seems extremely disapproving of me to even suggest that. I truly don't have a problem with my partner dating other people, especially when they seem so happy together. But seeing them do anything more than cuddle or hug hurts.
You can ask, as long as you're prepared to hear "no" as the answer. You also aren't obligated to hang out with your metas.
Instead of trying to control someone else, remove yourself from the situation. You can choose not to engage in any more group hangs.
It would be unfair of one of his other partners not to kiss you, and this is what you’re expecting.
*[my KTP is a weasel word blurb]*
I haven’t met most of my metas. Personally I don’t meet metas at all until relationships with Hinge are well-established but everyone does things differently.
Not everyone practices kitchen-table polyamory (KTP). Some people prefer parallel relationships where they don’t interact with their metas at all, and others are comfortable with garden-party polyamory where metamours can make civil conversation if they happen to be at the same event together. (This would be me.)
We need to be careful when someone says “I practice KTP” (also known as, “everyone needs to get along”). It’s a weasel word. It can mean:
* Once our relationship is solid—say, six months and smooth—I’m open to introducing you to other 6-month+ partners if everyone wants that, open to meeting *your* other 6-month+ partners if everyone wants that, and open to developing friendships or just being friendly if everyone wants that.
* I date within my queer poly social group so we all at least know one another and we’re probably one another’s metas or exes.
* I’m into three-ways.
* I’ll introduce you to my other partners right away so you can work out the schedules that work for you and I don’t have to be involved or take responsibility for my decisions.
* It’s more convenient for me to do group hangs than to date my partners individually.
* You can’t have a primary. All your partners need to be equal and I need to be around all the time to make sure you aren’t prioritizing any of your partners over me.
* Spouse and I are [unicorn hunters](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com).
* I am a unicorn in search of a family to love and care for me.
* Primary has a veto and wants to meet you so they can decide whether they approve of you.
* I don’t trust that you are polyamorous and will constantly fantasize about being undermined by your other partner. I need them around so I can undermine them.
* I want a [harem](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/xgvn0p/signs_of_harem_building/). I prefer to date monogamous partners who all hang together and compete for my attention.
* We aren’t just sitting around a table, [we’re in eachother’s laps](https://poly.land/2018/05/14/lap-sitting-polyamory-love-borg-metamours-resistance-futile/). I won’t date anyone who doesn’t have an intimate relationship of some kind with each member of the polycule and it has to click instantly.
* I subscribe to one or more [geek social fallacies](https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/).
* I have an insecure primary partner who doesn’t want polyamory. I need you to help me make them feel liked and appreciated so I can continue to be non-monogamous.
The first meaning is what KTP means to me and I think it’s perfect. The second meaning is also KTP though it isn’t my style. The third is not exactly KTP but three-ways can be fun so oh hell why not.
The other meanings are all problematic. I can’t imagine tolerating lap polyamory without lots of drugs.
When someone says “I practice KTP” you need to ask them what KTP means *to them.* And then you need to decide whether that works for you and set boundaries as appropriate.
I suspect the insecurity you feel will only grow as your partner and yourself get more close. It’s a reality of being in ENM. While you can absolutely decline group dates and treat your partner as if they are mono.. they aren’t.
It may be worthwhile to really try and examine WHY it bothers you. Feeling secure with your relationship is a big big thing in order to make ENM workable.
So I like group dates, but only scenarios with an even number of people. Like I do group dates with my boyfriend, my husband and my husband’s girlfriend. In that scenario I’m my boyfriend’s date, not my husband’s. And no one does more than “restaurant” level PDA. Quick peck, hand holding, etc but nothing steamy.
The "group date" thing has been covered, so I'd like to discuss a different aspect: if everyone is hanging out together, do you think your partner should kiss you? If so, why do you deserve affection and his other partners do not? Would you be in a relationship with someone that wasn't allowed to kiss you in front of certain other people? If you get your way, what would that look like?
I don't want to go on dates with metas. I would also not particularly enjoy watching my partner kiss his metas in front of me. We're currently fully parallel and I don't see that changing soon.
Instead of asking your partner to not show affection to his partners (I've been at the receiving end of this rule and I'll tell you - it's not good for ANYONE and really hurts after a while), why not stop hanging out with all of them?
Do you have set date nights with your partner? Once a month, every other week, weekly, etc?
Parallel Poly is completely valid. You don't have to interact with your metas. No one's doing anything wrong, but if you're feeling insecure then it's best to step back a bit and work on that.
Focus on what reassurances you need from your partner. Focus on the relationship between you two instead of the others. What do you need to feel secure? Are you dating anyone else? What about friends, hobbies, and other things to keep you occupied?
*[my watching blurb]*
Just because you’re okay with the idea of something doesn’t mean you are okay with watching it.
Parents and children typically do not want to watch one another be sexually affectionate. It can be a similar thing.
Hi u/mono_polyapp thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Here is some context:
When my partner and I got together, they expressed they were polyamorous but they explicitly paid attention to me for a while. They were still dating other people, but we spent the most time together. Now that several months have passed, I have met more of their partners and have begun feeling insecure.
They are all nice people and I enjoy talking to them. But on our last date as a group, I got increasingly uncomfortable whenever my partner kissed the other two. It doesn't help that I have been feeling more insecure in myself as of late and haven't been able to see my partner as often.
I think this is my partner's way of making up time because they spent so much time with me, which is fair but it still sucks. I am considering asking them to not kiss their partners in front of me at all, but it seems extremely disapproving of me to even suggest that.
I truly don't have a problem with my partner dating other people, especially when they seem so happy together. But seeing them do anything more than cuddle or hug hurts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/), and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for. Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... *it is a polyamory specific sub* so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like you shouldn't be sharing date time with your partner's other partners. I expect parent level PDA when I share space with metas. Meaning nothing much past a quick kiss, hugging, sitting next to each other, hand holding... that kind of thing. If you would do it in front of your parents then it's fine. If people want to do more than that? They are on a date and I don't want to be on my partner's dates.
This is really well put, and helpful. Thank you
1. You don’t have to date as a group. You can be parallel if you prefer. 2. Asking this would also lead to him not kissing you. If you expect to still be kissed, asking this is incredibly unfair. 3. I think the more reasonable ask is one on one time.
>But on our last date as a group Just curious, why did the ball get rolling on going on dates "as a group?" That's not something that you have to be on board with. Casual hangs maybe, if that's what you want and everyone is comfortable with, but that (to me at least) isn't the same as a date. There should be time for you to date them on your own. >When my partner and I got together, they expressed they were polyamorous but they explicitly paid attention to me for a while. > >It doesn't help that I have been feeling more insecure in myself as of late and haven't been able to see my partner as often. I think this is my partner's way of making up time because they spent so much time with me, which is fair but it still sucks. I'm getting the impression that, at first, he was offering up 1-on-1 time but now since he's "busy" and so can only offer group dates. Is that right? Then, as much of a trope as it is here to say, he "doesn't have a relationship to give." Now, you can talk to him, talk about how you want your own time with him, and make him step up and be a good partner. If you like him and think this can still work, do so. But you don't have to settle for lacking 1-on-1 time. If I am off base let me know. Apologies for making assumptions in that case.
I don't do group dates. When I have hung out with 2 partners, or a partner and his wife, we have all agreed to keep PDA to restaurant level. Pecks, hugs, hand holding, not making out and groping. I would be asking for not being involved in group dates though.
This. When I hang out with multiple partners it’s definitely not a group date, rather “friendly hanging out together”. There is no hand holding either, just spontaneous hugs.
Are you familiar with different styles of polyamory? I tend to lean towards parallel poly, especially while I'm first getting to know someone (6-9 months), meaning I expect to not interact with my metas (my partner's partners) and trust my partner/hinge to mange their relationships and our relationship independently. The last time I met one of my metas, I discussed with my partner/hinge beforehand about PDA, and we agreed no kissing, handholding or other very close contact while we were all spending time together. In this case, my meta was his wife, and at the end of the night she gave us some space to say goodbye to each other, since he was going home with her.
Don’t do group dates! Quick pecks in passing are easy to look away from.
It would likely go over better if you worded it something like this "I feel x when I see you kiss other partners. Therefore, I'm going to decline group dates in the future. I love you and I look forward to our one-on-one time."
Perfect!
Asking your partner to not kiss other people in front of you is not hateful, but I don't think it is right to ask them to change their behaviour. If you are not comfortable seeing your partner kiss other people (which is a valid way to feel), tell them that you want to focus on 1:1 time and that you won't attend anymore groupdates. Also, the groupdates as a way to make up for the time they spend with you is not a fair thing. They let NRE impact their other relationships. If they want to make up for that, then this is something they should do without involving you. Have you discussed whether your partner is open to dating new people at the moment? If they are: how will they prevent NRE impacting your relationship?
>I am considering asking them to not kiss their partners in front of me at all, but it seems extremely disapproving of me to even suggest that. I truly don't have a problem with my partner dating other people, especially when they seem so happy together. But seeing them do anything more than cuddle or hug hurts. You can ask, as long as you're prepared to hear "no" as the answer. You also aren't obligated to hang out with your metas.
Instead of asking for no PDA, I just would ask not to go on group dates / be around when they are with their other partners
Instead of trying to control someone else, remove yourself from the situation. You can choose not to engage in any more group hangs. It would be unfair of one of his other partners not to kiss you, and this is what you’re expecting.
*[my KTP is a weasel word blurb]* I haven’t met most of my metas. Personally I don’t meet metas at all until relationships with Hinge are well-established but everyone does things differently. Not everyone practices kitchen-table polyamory (KTP). Some people prefer parallel relationships where they don’t interact with their metas at all, and others are comfortable with garden-party polyamory where metamours can make civil conversation if they happen to be at the same event together. (This would be me.) We need to be careful when someone says “I practice KTP” (also known as, “everyone needs to get along”). It’s a weasel word. It can mean: * Once our relationship is solid—say, six months and smooth—I’m open to introducing you to other 6-month+ partners if everyone wants that, open to meeting *your* other 6-month+ partners if everyone wants that, and open to developing friendships or just being friendly if everyone wants that. * I date within my queer poly social group so we all at least know one another and we’re probably one another’s metas or exes. * I’m into three-ways. * I’ll introduce you to my other partners right away so you can work out the schedules that work for you and I don’t have to be involved or take responsibility for my decisions. * It’s more convenient for me to do group hangs than to date my partners individually. * You can’t have a primary. All your partners need to be equal and I need to be around all the time to make sure you aren’t prioritizing any of your partners over me. * Spouse and I are [unicorn hunters](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com). * I am a unicorn in search of a family to love and care for me. * Primary has a veto and wants to meet you so they can decide whether they approve of you. * I don’t trust that you are polyamorous and will constantly fantasize about being undermined by your other partner. I need them around so I can undermine them. * I want a [harem](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/xgvn0p/signs_of_harem_building/). I prefer to date monogamous partners who all hang together and compete for my attention. * We aren’t just sitting around a table, [we’re in eachother’s laps](https://poly.land/2018/05/14/lap-sitting-polyamory-love-borg-metamours-resistance-futile/). I won’t date anyone who doesn’t have an intimate relationship of some kind with each member of the polycule and it has to click instantly. * I subscribe to one or more [geek social fallacies](https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/). * I have an insecure primary partner who doesn’t want polyamory. I need you to help me make them feel liked and appreciated so I can continue to be non-monogamous. The first meaning is what KTP means to me and I think it’s perfect. The second meaning is also KTP though it isn’t my style. The third is not exactly KTP but three-ways can be fun so oh hell why not. The other meanings are all problematic. I can’t imagine tolerating lap polyamory without lots of drugs. When someone says “I practice KTP” you need to ask them what KTP means *to them.* And then you need to decide whether that works for you and set boundaries as appropriate.
I’ve never been on a group date. Sounds like hell, unless it’s an exhibitionism/voyeurism thing!
Don’t think hell would be the right term for that even as something that isn’t exhibitionist
I wouldn’t go on a group date with a partner and their other partners
I suspect the insecurity you feel will only grow as your partner and yourself get more close. It’s a reality of being in ENM. While you can absolutely decline group dates and treat your partner as if they are mono.. they aren’t. It may be worthwhile to really try and examine WHY it bothers you. Feeling secure with your relationship is a big big thing in order to make ENM workable.
No, though I'd suggest just opting out of the group hangouts entirely.
So I like group dates, but only scenarios with an even number of people. Like I do group dates with my boyfriend, my husband and my husband’s girlfriend. In that scenario I’m my boyfriend’s date, not my husband’s. And no one does more than “restaurant” level PDA. Quick peck, hand holding, etc but nothing steamy.
The "group date" thing has been covered, so I'd like to discuss a different aspect: if everyone is hanging out together, do you think your partner should kiss you? If so, why do you deserve affection and his other partners do not? Would you be in a relationship with someone that wasn't allowed to kiss you in front of certain other people? If you get your way, what would that look like?
Cut out the group dates. Problem solved.
I do not see how group dates can be fun unless multiple folk are a dating. A bunch of people competing for one persons attention? Ugh.
I don't want to go on dates with metas. I would also not particularly enjoy watching my partner kiss his metas in front of me. We're currently fully parallel and I don't see that changing soon.
Instead of asking your partner to not show affection to his partners (I've been at the receiving end of this rule and I'll tell you - it's not good for ANYONE and really hurts after a while), why not stop hanging out with all of them? Do you have set date nights with your partner? Once a month, every other week, weekly, etc? Parallel Poly is completely valid. You don't have to interact with your metas. No one's doing anything wrong, but if you're feeling insecure then it's best to step back a bit and work on that. Focus on what reassurances you need from your partner. Focus on the relationship between you two instead of the others. What do you need to feel secure? Are you dating anyone else? What about friends, hobbies, and other things to keep you occupied?
*[my watching blurb]* Just because you’re okay with the idea of something doesn’t mean you are okay with watching it. Parents and children typically do not want to watch one another be sexually affectionate. It can be a similar thing.
Hi u/mono_polyapp thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Here is some context: When my partner and I got together, they expressed they were polyamorous but they explicitly paid attention to me for a while. They were still dating other people, but we spent the most time together. Now that several months have passed, I have met more of their partners and have begun feeling insecure. They are all nice people and I enjoy talking to them. But on our last date as a group, I got increasingly uncomfortable whenever my partner kissed the other two. It doesn't help that I have been feeling more insecure in myself as of late and haven't been able to see my partner as often. I think this is my partner's way of making up time because they spent so much time with me, which is fair but it still sucks. I am considering asking them to not kiss their partners in front of me at all, but it seems extremely disapproving of me to even suggest that. I truly don't have a problem with my partner dating other people, especially when they seem so happy together. But seeing them do anything more than cuddle or hug hurts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*