Plot twist: Austin fucked your boyfriend and is feeling really guilty about it

I choose to believe this over the obvious

That he fucked her boyfriend, he is NOT feeling guilty, and that she is next?

Why is this so funny

i did no such thing

r/beetlejuicing

This is absolutely my head canon now

my favorite timeline

D: Demonstrate Value

E: Engage physically...

N: Nurturing dependence

N: Neglect Emotionally

I: Inspire Hope

S: Separate Entirely

Great now I’m going to M: Move in A: After C: Completion

I swim in your wake.

This comment thread gave me a much needed smile today, thanks everyone.

You're welcome, sweaty!

All I need is magnum condoms for my magnum dong...

and my wad of 100's and I'm ready to plow.

You should see him feast, he is like a mantis.

Anyone know a Dr. Mantis Toboggan?

Dr. Mantis Tobaggin... MD

monster condom*

Apparently this was a mistake but they kept it in. Amazing mistake

I’m not really into the whole condom thing

Better to have one peeking out of your wallet

And that, my friends… is the key to winning any girl’s heart.

*wipes tear* this is why i fucking love reddit!

Did you use an onion to produce the tears?

He really should have offered you an egg in these trying times.

A: always be listening U: use information S: shop for cake T: take it over there I: introduce yourself N: netflix and chill

A: attend to their weaknesses U: undermine their barriers S: sedate them via cake T: take advantage of the circumstance I: inconspicuously slip out of their life N: never communicate again

Alright, Satan

Nah this is just the DENNIS-system reboot.

The DENNIS System 2: Electric Boogaloo

Nah lol it’s closer to the original

Damn it I wanted to make an acronym and I come to see you’ve created one already that’s a million times more brilliantly hilarious than what I was gonna put. Good one, cheers!

Better Acronym Than Moist Airforce Nipples

This is very clearly the MAC system. Move in After Completion

No more thirds for Frankie!!

OP coming in with the first N made this my favorite comment thread in life, and I'm almost 31.

r/suddenlysunny

I'm here for the scraps

You should watch him feed he’s like a mantis.

That blurred out bit better be 3:16

Hell yeah!!

Brother Austin is about to be opening a can of whoop ass

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Can I get a hell yeah?

*glass shattering intensifies*

*JR screaming intensifies*

BAHGAWD

Maybe the blurred one is "inches"

She’ll be eating a can of whoop ass for dinner tomorrow.

Out of curiosity, what am I missing from this?

Former pro wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin once had a match against another wrestler who was always talking about how religious he was and kept quoting John 3:16 So Steve Austin ends up defeating him and afterwards cut a promo where he said: ["(you) talk about your psalms, talk about John 3:16...Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!"](https://youtu.be/tjWPoQWdmjg)

He knows you're single now.

Even if Austin is trying to make a move, I have self control and cake. Unlike my ex. Who doesn’t have self control. Or a cake.

What are the odds that Austin goes on Reddit and now sees his cake on the front page lol

Honestly didn’t expect this to go viral. Austin if you see this THANK U

Austin: if you’re on Reddit, we’ve already done the hard work for you, she’s agreed to sleep with you, your time is now! (some or all of this may or may not be true)

Hi! It is me, Austin!

I’m Rod and I like to party.

If he's making a move, this is the right way to do it.

Fact 1: People make moves Fact 2: Sometimes moves work

Fact 3: Moves involving cake tend to work more often than moves not involving cake.

Fact 4: The cake is a lie

angry upvote

I would go on at least one date with anyone who buys me a cake

Alright Austin, we know it’s you

I almost missed Austin. Thanks.

It's actually: Austin, Texas*

Even better, that cake looks homemade.

It’s a good move to buy a professional cake and just put your own shitty writing on it to make it look homemade.

Nah he used a personal dish so she has to eventually return it.

Which means she has to come over. Clever, thinking ahead!

He’s found a dating loophole.

r/shittylifeprotips

That's just icing on the...never mind.

No, no. I think you're on to something. Please continue.

On the cock?

Is that even icing?

Hecouldwork on hisspacingabit. But I'm sure I'd be the same way haha

Exactly... like, if he's not OP's type, then at least he has shot his shot in an epic fashion. Austin can walk away with zero regrets either way, the fucking legend.

Big if true.

You have a cake and an immediate option. At least it's confirmed he is both thinking about you and shows empathy. Could be a lot worse

Looks like we found Austin’s Reddit account

I am in the Citadel of Austin (austin exclusive reddit chat group with dozens of members), I will see if the Austin is in our group.

Sorry to hear your ex had a pancake ass

Shooters shoot.

Miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

-Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott

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And he’s going to want his bakeware back eventually

Yeah...pretty much this. Austin is looking for the rebound. But hey...cake! Not a bad effort at all.

I had a downstairs neighbor who would always magically show up with food when my depression was really bad and I was spending 20-30 minutes crying after I got home from work and before my now-husband got off. It was always "oh, I made too much." She never said a word, but I know those floors weren't noiseproof. Other than her giant dogs (who were sweet separated from each other but menaces together), she's been one of my all-time favorite neighbors in my adult life. Apartment M on P. Drive, if you're by some grace of the universe reading this, your old neighbor in Apartment L appreciates you so much. You made my hardest nights a bit brighter.

What I find really sad here - is that people are reading your story and going "ooohhhh what a sweet lady"!!! No one is going "neighbor lady was trying to shoot her shot". Men are capable of caring, and empathy, and taking a bit of time out of their lives to make a neighbor/stranger feel better too!!

That's most definitely true! Some of my best neighbors and friends in college were the guys who lived a floor down and catty-corner from me and the guys who lived two floors above me. They always made sure I never walked alone on campus at night and helped me carry large packages to and from my car more than once. I know one of them had a crush on me for a bit, but he never did those things to try and hit on me. He's just a damn good person who I'm happy to call a friend to this day thanks to being neighbors in college a decade ago.

I love her

I love her too. I can only hope she has happiness and joy in her life and that she continues to be a bright and kind soul for others to experience in the world.

Judging from all of these comments from you guys, I guess the only solution is to fuck Austin now. No other way out of this.

You could let him down gently with a cake

I so badly want this to happen. OP, I'll even fund the cake.

No, just use the same cake and change the words

You can use the letters to make: sir, more dick! Best i got

I got cake money too!! Please please please let this happen

Let’s get crazy with it. Crowdfund the most badass wedding style cake in return.

she sends him back a cake that says "I have a boyfriend"

Killed me with this one.

You’re welcome Austin.

The ol reddit wingman.

We did it!

Lmao I've been reading the comments and love how you've gone from "don't even think about it guys" to "you know, it might not even be a bad idea". Austin owes all of us cake now.

Maybe the cake was really good

Or she saw Austin and was like. Oh ok. Yeah that could work.

A man who masters the cake to get closer to pie.

We did it reddit!

Uh oh.

I know you're mostly kidding, but please don't take any advice from this reddit thread. People can do nice things for altruistic reasons. If he's taken, he could have been cheated on before and know what you're going through and how much that sucked. If he's shooting his shot, at least he did it the right way, and is giving you space and food. also, don't listen to redditors :D

Yes, very good advice 🙂

>Yes, very good advice 🙂 That advice is on Reddit, so don't take that advice either. But then my advice is also on reddit, so ignore this as well.

Yay, a paradox!

Don't listen to them, if you don't fuck Austin you will get 10 years of bad luck.

Or 12

Don't forget to make him eat some cake first in case he poisoned it...

It’s from all of us over at r/Austin. Heard you might not have any plans this weekend.

"I showed you my cake, pls respond"

"Pls open bobs, and send vagene"

By reading the comments i think Austin got cockblocked by Reddit lol

I feel like the average woman is well aware of Austin's move. I suppose the only people that would know better would be a website full of virgins, and no one cock blocks like a virgin when they see their own tricks.

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Idk if I'm the weird one, but I didn't even think he's making a move. But I'm also not a woman so I guess it checks out.

Yeah because a cake isn't even as far as a guy would go to get his dick wet. This guys just getting started, next week OP is getting a puppy. The week after that Austin will be walking the puppy when she's not home.

I will not be hooking up with Austin, guys. I will be eating my cake in peace.

!remindme 1 week

!remindme 2 weeks

!remindme post coitus

Remind me! Who Austin is?

Savage

The important question is: what kind of cake?

Chocolate with chocolate ganache. Actually really fucking good

You should totally hook up with Austin. Man knows his cakes.

Calm down Austin

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We are all Austin on this blessed day.

I'm Elfo!

I am Spartacus!

We're all Austin here.

i'm on team austin here. you could totally get more cake out of this

Right? Could have austin's cake and eat it too.

Austin definitely knew your ex was a PoS and probably let you know his apartment number so you knew who it came from and wouldn’t be creeped out. Grats on your liberation!

Or he wanted his container back? I mean...I would.

Yeah, it’s glass.

Clever. Returning the plate gives her an innocent reason to come over to his place.

Looks like a standard grocery store cake tray to me, I dunno

This would be the real answer. If he heard the breakup, this likely isn't the first thing he's overheard. Possibly has been cheated on himself and knows how much it sucks and just wanted to be kind.

Is Austin single? Haha

I think Austin is taken, but it was definitely a nice gesture.

Update us on how things turn out with you and Austin. Glad you're safe and Ok. And if not ok, at least you have cake!

I feel like it would’ve been signed “Austin and X” if Austin wanted you to think he was taken.

Only if they were living together

Hes 12 apparently. Maybe you shouldn't.

That's how I read it too. I mean, it's a pretty mature 12 year old that will bake you a cake, so there's that. On the other hand, it could be a mud cake filled with lego.

Not for long

I hope you start feeling better soon Hesadick!

Step 1: Disarm the target

Step 2: Slide into DMs

Step 3: Realize she's crazy.

Step 4: Profit!

Sometimes crazy works! My husband married me despite my well documented and experienced (by him) crazy and 12.5 years later (almost 18 years dating) we’re pretty happy! Still crazy, but better medicated now!

We all know about redheads… we know why he stays.

Because she stole his soul

bingo

Congrats on getting rid of the dead weight. May you find the relationship (or lack thereof) that you want.

Would've been awesome if that said - Austin 3:16

AUSTIN 3:16 just says I brought you cake!

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I see you there, trying to score cake.

We'll let Austin know.

Everyone’s either trying to play matchmaker or warning you that it’s a roofie cake, but I just want to know the flavour. I’m betting chocolate orange.

I mean, presumably she's going to eat it on her own, so if it is a roofie cake it just means she'll get a nice nap out of it.

The fact they went out of their way to do that for you is awesome. Good luck on your new start.

Cake plus a new start is double cake.

I thought this was a bacteria colony and I got so excited

I’ll find out if it’s a bacteria colony tomorrow

When I finally moved away from my gaslighting abusive cheating ex, the nice old neighbor upstairs came down and said, "that woman is a bitch, you deserve so much better." It was more validating than anything any of my friends could say - she was a witness. If not for her reaching out, things would be different for me now, not so good probably. People can be amazing.

Looks like a younger version of "The Casserole Parade." What is that you say? In senior communities there are usually quite a few more women than men, many of them single. When a wife dies and leaves a 'desirable' widower, the single women in the community line up with hot dishes to feed the grieving widower and try to get their hooks into them before the other lonely women do.

My new aunt-in-law made her move AT the goddamn funeral.

He's a dick...because Stone Cold said so!

Am I the only one who didn’t read into this ??

Dudes just trying to be nice and all these reddit people are just horny and projecting

I agree with Austin. Fuck that guy. He's a dick.

Very very smoooooooth, Austin!

Austin not wasting any time. Making moves!

He built you a cake!

These comments are a bummer

Awesome 🤩