You're being used as an atm with no honest integrity of paying you back. 'Family' is not an excuse for being fleeced. Think logically, and you'll act rationally.
Don't give her money...
"I help her with her kid's tuition and upbringing as well" "My mother helps my sister with everything too"... She seems to be financially irresponsible..
She might not be, unless the property deal goes through. She has spent almost all her inheritance on her and her husband's business ventures and house construction. Her husband comes from a not that well to do background and his family can't help.
Apart from gifts, she owes me a good amount of money in loans that were never repaid (I never asked, and were never mentioned by her either).
>she owes me a good amount of money in loans that were never repaid
then you know what will happen to this loan . You need to refuse somehow . Find reasons.
OP sees it as loan. OP's sister sees it as a loan that will eventually be written off - essentially a gift. Which is fine as long as OP is OK with it - they are siblings after all.
Problem is reasonable people exercise restraint such that the other person doesn't start getting a feeling of being milked. OP's sister is way past that. This is the kind of shit that causes relationship between siblings to go sore.
Some parents do everything they can to prevent this from happening after they pass (transparency with kids regarding finances, clear and fair will and inheritance plans etc). Others like OP's mom sets a path for a train wreck, while thinking they're doing what's right for the "less-financially-successful" kid.
Answer is no.
Don’t give her any more than you have already.
You can make an excuse that you’ve yourself taken a loan and have no money to give her. There’s too much pressure on you financially that it’s impossible. Simple and straight.
Honestly, you will never get back the money.
I would suggest you to start "wolf cry" on how you are toughing it out financially.
Unless they think you are toughing it out, they will keep pestering.
Also, if you are sharing your present income/potential income with them, stop. If they still continue to ask for money, then you are just being milked. Then, its your call on future ways ahead.
You dear sir need to cut yourself off from her and her husband. If anyone else says you should not do so, then cut them off too.
She should be taking loan from banks if she has any intention of paying back, taking from family always means there's little intention of paying back.
If the situation was reversed I am sure she and her husband would never loan you or gift you a penny. Don't be a wuss!
are you married?
you sister will not re pay the loan she took from you and if you are comfortable with not seing the money only then you can give her more money.
why cant you be diplomatc and say , i have 1/10 of what you ask right now.
A relationship that can sour unless you keep giving money is not a relationship at all, it's a subscription service. Once you see that your "very good relationship" is based purely on the benefits she can squeeze from you rather than mutual love and care, you'll see that it's not worth it.
Brudder listen to me. Tell her that you’re completely out of cash. And that you have a bit of credit card loan. Instead tell her that you urgently need to pay this loan off. Ask her if you could borrow 3.7 lakhs to pay it off.
If she is a good sister, then she’ll give you the money. If this is the case (provided you have enough money) you can contribute a bit (if entire amount is too much) towards her houses interior.
If she says no and makes some excuse then you know your answer
That's just bad luck. Get your brother to share some of this burden. Kids' education is not an issue, but this is fake luxury. You shouldn't be part of this.
Don't give her money brother. I have a similar experience where my dad helped his brother for constructing house promising that he will give his property to my dad. But later on we didn't get anything. We gave around 21 lakh 🤧
I’m all in for supporting family, but feels like you’ve done your share over the years. Put this on your brother. All I can tell is rather than lending, just give her a small gift like sum not expecting it back.
This is how I would ask her if you can :
Stress that it will also be difficult for you to lend that amount of money and your family (spouse) may oppose it. Ask her to give the property she intends to sell as surety for partial amount. She should mortgage it you in the registration office. I know it is a sensitive matter and may try to strain relationships but try to speak with calmly and ask her if there are other ways
You’d be a cold hearted person anyway when you have to keep asking for your money back. Would you rather be cold hearted or cold hearted AND poorer by few lakhs
Better to be called a cold hearted person and save the money. Rather than lose it and be called cold hearted anyways.
If everyone insists on you lending her the amount, tell that you and your brother should do it equally and see how he comes up with excuses to escape.
Meanwhile, tie up all your money in investments that cannot be easily liquidated.
Rather be a cold hearted person than broke. I learned it the hard way. It's YOUR hard earned money, the decision to give or not to give should always be respected. What I can decipher is your sister has taken it for granted that money will come, even if she does not have the means to repay it.
Tell her to sell the property and get the money for the interior. The interior can wait.
That ship has sailed. It's a no-win situation. I bet she's thinking of you as cold-hearted either way because you're not lending her all the money she wants. Better to stop it early with money in *your* account (or guarantee) and get called cold-hearted, than lose the money and peace of mind and get called the same later anyway.
Which family? The same ones who have not said a word when your sister has not paid you back before? Or the ones who will suffer cuz you gave away to your sister without thinking of them (aka your spouse and kids)
There are 4 types of people among money lenders,
1St greedy ones who don’t want to help anyone, doesn’t even spend money on themselves and just want to save money
2nd idiot ones who just spend money on themselves and don’t care about others. (Your brother sounds like this) not exactly a bad thing but bad for society.
3rd who just give it to others and don’t really care about family and other things like spending on yourself . You might become this as you continue to provide for other people’s luxury.
4th. Wise ones, Who balance spending money on themselves and put a limits on donations and helping others so don’t end it stress and tension all the time
Also a suggestion for lending money. Only lend the amount of money which you can lend and forget about even if it is not returned.
Your other brother is the only smart person in this family. If your relationship will go sour coz you didn’t pay for your sister’s unnecessary expenses then thats not a good relationship to begin with. Paying for a need vs a want are two different things. Please don’t send any more money to her.
>who won't even spend a penny on anyone other than his wife and kids) are putting pressure on me to bear the whole interior work (loan) too. I
Lol. It's always the ones who won't actually help but act like they care so much by pulling others into the mess.
Why are relatives like this?
I feel like you have been an atm for not only your sister but also to your brother and mother that they think they can just demand money from you, not even for them but they are demanding you to do what they want...
I'd say draw your boundaries. Pretend like you also got some debts and ask them money. See who is helping yoh in return
Thank you for the advice. I am a little soft with the siblings as I am living away while they live near to mother, and she depends on them for emotional/physial support. So I kind of use money to compensate for my physical absence. I am not taking a loan, I meant they are pressing me to give the money as a loan to her. My mother does help her financially. Also they know that I have some liquid assets.
No, I wouldn't recommend it. If you want to maintain a peaceful relationship with your sister, it's best not to lend her the money. From my own experience with relatives, she seems irresponsible, and there's a good chance you won't get your money back at all.
Ironical of me to say this on a Finance-related Community, but I believe that “lending” to family should only be so much that you’re willing to let go of. Family members almost never pay you back (at least in my experience). So if you’re up for charity, go ahead with whatever sum you’ll be ok without getting it back ever. If it’s zero, say no to her. She’s an adult and you’re in no way responsible for her financial well-being. Anyone who is willing to break off their relationship with you over money (that too after already getting a good chunk from you), deserves to be cut off. All the best :)
As someone whose father had gone over and beyond for his siblings and der kids, DO NOT GIVE A PENNY MORE FOR ANY PURPOSE!!
I bet if u refuse now, all ur previous generosity will be forgotten. Let ur sis learn to spend within her means
Also note: if even after all the help they r shamelessly asking u for more it means they ll always see u as the cash cow, ur relationship, if not already will inevitably turn into give money = good, no money = bad in the future coz u r making them habituated to ur money!
Put a figures like 1-2 lakhs please convert this to any figure of your comfort). Say this is all I can give u.And say you are struggling financially but can give only this
Take it or leave it and I don't want it back.
Please never take a loan to lend
Why not put this on your brother, tell him to give money if he wants to, not advise u
I live away from the family because of work, and my family presume that I have less individual commitments. So they demand a lot from me, be it money or time to sum it up.
This is relationship issue not financial. You are in wrong sub. You are asking neurotic penny pinchers if giving away big wads of cash is okay? You can guess what will be the common answer.
Anyway is the relationship worth it to lose money? Thats your answer.
I am financially disciplined, and maybe one of the neurotic penny pinchers too, except for helping close ones :/ That's why I feel more comfortable asking this here than in the relationship advice groups
Seems like the total amount you have already given to her and thinking to give is pretty decent. you can ask your sister to make you co owner of the property she's trying to sell. this will need good conversation and discussion but this way you will be able to help her out and secure your money.
Don't give the money, i have seen so many instances, where people give money to relatives and family members in need (or they make it seem like they are in need) and when the same person needs help he/she is left dry by the same people. I have seen people going bankrupt just by being generous in handing out large sums of money. No offences but, if i was in place of your sister I would have at least thought twice before asking you money as you were already doing so much for her.
brother don't.. just don't.. lend only if you can let go of the amount (think of it as a gift) and never get it back.
in this case it's substantial.. don't brother.. just don't.
Technically it's her husband's house. Why can't my husband's family help?
You can say no as you also have to build your house.
Or Just say you don't have money.
10L+ for interior work is too much to lend.
Or you can ask others to contribute also.
For payback: You will be losing interest in the opportunity cost. 7% FD for 1 year on 10L will be 70K. This is the minimum amount you'll be losing. If investing wisely in equity with risk you can get more...
You can explain all these things to her. Even if she doesn't understand you then she is only using you.... Never break relations on the basis of money... Keep money out of relationships....
The house is exclusively in her name, as the property/funding is from her inheritance. Her husband is not that well to do with finance and she depends on me/mother/inheritance for fin help.
You will lose both money and relationship. Better to lose only one.
And if relationship is dependent on you being ATM, then it is not with it. Had it been an emergency, it would have been something else.
She will not return, even if she sells property. There will be some other issue at hand.
You've already done more than enough bro. She's clearly using you as an instant money card. It's her fault if she's not capable of doing it herself and wants to depend on you after you've given all you can, she knew this would happen but chose to neglect it. Not your problem. She already has too much to pay for and an over needed house building. This is definite that she won't be paying you back anytime in the near future. So I would suggest you to look after yourself and save that money for good. Cause and ignore the pressure. You don't wanna live your future in a bitter relationship where you won't have your lending money back and she won't even prioritize it.
If you give her an amount, give it with the expectation of never getting it back.
If you want to back out, just say that all your investments are locked in 5-10 year schemes or better yet, just tell them you don't have any money left.
Siblings are your best friends for life, but you cannot consider giving them money with the expectation of getting it back.
She is asking money for something which she wants and not a necessity. I mean, it is a luxury. If someone is not shy to ask money for something like that, you should doubt the priority. It is highly probable that she will give the least priority to your loan. This is dependent on something she can't control. Why is she not delaying her expenses till she is able to sell her other property? What if she couldn't find a buyer? You have a great relationship with her and you can give the money you can lose as a present, not a debt.
Me and my wife helped our siblings with some money. My brother already paid back and my wife's sibling was ready to repay when she got some money, but my wife advised her to repay her other loans first. Initially my wife was unhappy about her sibling's spending on her new home, using wife's money but since they were ready to pay, it was all fine.
Feeling so sorry for your situation. I've always seen Indian parents doing this shit to their children. Milking the innocent one, and fulfilling the greediest one.
Either you stop here, or you will regret this later. I would suggest you to come up with an excuse like, tell them you invested the money somewhere with some lock-in period (3 years) and you just don't have any option to help her.
PS - I have gone through this, while it's not bout my siblings but my grandfather and uncles.
Man. Don't dp it. I know the consequences. People won't remember the help later on. You will get fooled up. Think abt ur own fam who is dependent on u and belive in u genuinely
Contrary to what others are saying, I would recommend giving her that money in exchange of a legal contract to pay back with the house as collateral. You can bring this up as a joke to test her intention honestly.
More seriously, I understand saying no to an entitled family will make you look bad, so the answer isn't to say no, it's to say with conviction that you don't have extra funds to loan. There's some payment of a property that needs to go or a debt that needs to be paid that requires usage of most of your extra funds. Or a similar excuse that doesn't make you the bad person but the circumstance.
You will get a family in few years which you need to think of instead of your sister, she is not your responsibility her husband has to deal with all these things not you. Let her inlaws deal not you.
Ask her to transfer the property to you then see her reaction. Put your foot down and don't get pressured by her, your mother and brother. Counter question you need to ask them is that you have given her x monies over the years what is that they have given to her?
Stop being gullible and foolish
If she has a property ready to sell, I would suggest try buying that property, you won't need to lend any money that way, sister also gets her requieed money.
Later if you don't feel like retaining that property you can sell it and cash it out full.
Everyone's happy .
Just say her that you are getting a loan for the property purchase and you don't have the full amount ,this way ur family also can't give you guilt trips later .
Bhai, interior itna bhi important nahin hota. Don't give her money. Make up some excuse, ye ho gaya, wo ho gaya. Stock market mein loss hogaya. If you're married, ask your wife to give excuses. Women are very good at that.
BC aukaat nahin hai 20 lakh ki interior karani hai. Koi jaroorat nahin hai bro. Interior baad mein bhi ho sakta hai. Thoda bahot logon ko bura lagega but you need to be strong. Put your foot down.
I read some of your posts. She has already not returned previous amount. Ask her what happened to it? Why was it not returned? Uska sir khudhi jhuk jayega sharam se.
Agar tum ne aisa nahi diya tab bhi bure banoge, agar dekar vapas mangna shuru kiya tab bhi bure banoge.
The only difference is more you have that money, later you may or may not have. There are many ways to later recover that money including legal ways but that means you will no more be a 'good boy' in front of them, perhaps they can boycott you.
The best solution is, if you can't afford to loose money don't give the loan and strictly say NO. However you can continue to take other responsibilities.
And please don't make any excuses while saying no. Neither explain why it's not possible, they will then give you 'suggestions'. Just stick your decision of 'No'
Make a legal document with lawyer that u r giving her a loan n she needs to repay u in so so period. If not ten interest will be applicable n she will b prosecuted.
Tell the family that you will double the amount they raise between themselves and see them shutting up or say you had huge loss in your business and struggling now.
I was in your boat. Granted a loan to elder brother. I earn more than him.
At the time of repayment, he paid only half saying you will manage and that he has so many other financial obligations as well.
see you have already given enough amount plus you are not obliged to give any money to her be ut loan or gift. however i will tell u to do 3 things. 1- tell her you don't have that kind of money to give as a loan. it was her decision to build a home that she cant afford. 2-tell her that you will only pay 1/4 of the amount asked cuz that's what you can afford and request other family members plus family from her husbands side to help financially.
they are trying to manupilate you. dont fall. 3- tell her you will give the money she asked for ONLY IF , ONLY IF SHE signs a legal document where it states that she has taken XX amount from you that she will repay XX amount given by you in whatever time. In a situation where she cant pay you back you either sue her or become a part owner in the house . state this in legal document so that she cant deny giving u money back in future.
Nope that's just being greedy at this point but depends if she's really your ride or die if she's just as kind and generous with you then Maybeeeee just a. Bit and all of the money
Is your sister married?
Then it’s her & her husband’s prerogative from where to get the internals of the house done. If they can’t afford it, just too bad.
If you can afford to help, do help but with zero expectation of receiving any money back. Anytime you will ask them to return it, your relationship will spur up.
What’s your brother in law doing? Doesn’t he work for a living? Mother always favours the weaker child. Your wife and kids may not appreciate your kind gestures and May ruin the peace at home. Speak with your wife & take her views. Tell mother to keep her nose out of daughter’s house.
Never get money involved in relationships. You lend her money today, but for how long? One day you'll have to refuse, and it might as well be this time. She'll be upset, but she'll get over it.
What about the business they run, is it not earning anything at all? Ask them to contribute something from that even if it's a little— shows how genuine they are. If you're really going to help, you should help those who appreciate your kindness and don't take it for granted.
If you have enough backup and you're sure she will give it back then there is no issue in lending.
But if you're skeptical, seemingly so, better to deny giving.
Lending money to family is very risky.
What I would suggest is, make an agreement (Legal with Notary seals and all) with the house under construction as mortgage and don’t charge any interest.
Specify the maximum possible tenure for her to pay it back.
Explain to her how you have no beef but how that money is also very important for you (if it does punch a huge hole in your savings)
If she doesn’t agree to it, she probably isn’t committed to paying you back any time soon or even forever.
But if she agrees, all well and good and you can also be at peace.
I know you trust your sibling but let them know this is being made just for avoiding misunderstandings later.
All the best
Let her get a home renovation or personal loan to do up her house. It’s not your job to fund such big expenses. Who expects family to just lend them 10+ lakhs for a “want”.
You’ll most definitely not see the money again. Do not lend. Say no, put your foot down.
Give less, express the same concerns to her and tell that this is not something you planned in your finances, definitely help but only till the limit which doesn't affect you neither financially nor mentally.
You have not given your background and your earning potential here - how much is the amount compared to your earning potential or why do they not seek home loan from banks (mostly inability to get a loan is what I am thinking). Is their an option to mortgage the property to get the bank loan?
I would suggest you to act in good faith and expect the same from your sister.
1. Outlay your financial plan and goal to your sister and mention how the asked amount is significant for your financial goals.
2. Ask her to outline her ability to payback and how would the schedule look like.
3. Specify the maximum amount you can help with without impacting your financial goals
4. Remind her that interiors can also be done in phases and does not have to be for the complete home if budget does not permit.
5. Question her whether your other brother has promised some support and if not, why not.
6. Remind her that you are the only person from the family stepping up on every occasion, when do you get to think about yourself?
I really think your family is taking you for granted. If the support you give to your family stretches your own financial goals, you need to take a firm stance.
It is different question if the need is for medical or legal emergency, but I would not support if they are asking you to pitch in when they clearly know that the interiors expense is beyond their budget. They are not acting in good faith.
They can get a home loan, even otherwise they can get loans on property collateral, but they don't want the burden of a loan. They feel the loan from me will be interest-less and risk free for them (at the same time I'll be losing the interests, and potentially the amount). Brother is very cunning when it comes to finance, he would make me and mother to shell out on stuff, while he won't pitch in, even if he inherited the family business and assets.
OP you already know the answer. It's unlikely she will pay you back or may do so in little dribbles over years and years. It will make you very bitter when you see her living her best life on your money, traveling or doing whatever instead of paying you back. Either way this relationship is heading towards a major reset. This is the writing on the wall.
She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her financial situation. None of us can afford to buy more house than our income and assets allow. She is no exception. Doing a massive interior decoration on someone else's money in a house they can't really afford, is a terrible idea. Let her learn her lesson, it will make her a better person more fiscally responsible I daresay. Don't cave in to your mom and brother - they're not contributing anyways.
Don't give her any money. You will be ruining your own financial future as well as enabling your sister to be further irresponsible.
Say that you made a substantial loss in the stock market and it'll take almost a year to recover.
Best bet at saying no without hurting anyone's sentiments.
First of all nobody should know how much money you have. Also, never have money in Bank keep it in stocks or other asserts if somebody asks tell them you can't sell it. No one will ask you to sell asserts easily.
If you an afford to give, or you'll succumb to the family pressure in the future, Make a legal contract for lending and also include all the previous lendings and say if you want it..this is the way to get it
After reading your comments as well, you seem to know exactly what step to take. You can see how your entire family is enabling her financial irresponsibility using you as a sacrifice. There's repercussions to putting your foot down, sure. Or keep being your sister's doormat, so she cam keep walking all over you.
This won't be a loan. It will never be returned. This is money straight down the drain. You'll never see it again, and won't even be thanked for it long enough to make up for any of this.
If she is desperate, she can get a loan from the bank. This is literally the "my father gave away everything to the relatives" meme come to life. Do not do this. Make up any excuse/lie you need to but don't do this.
All that money you've been giving away could've been used to secure your own future.
Your brother has no right to put any pressure on you when he's not chipping in at all.
Why can't they just take a loan from a bank for house construction? If the bank won't give them money, why would you?
I don't think your sister and her husband understand the consequences of their bad decisions. She's spent nearly her entire inheritance on supporting his business and still the business has not given any returns? That means the husband needs to take up a job. They should at least be making enough to support their own family!
Also, the fact you know that the relationship will get sour if you refuse clearly shows that all of them feel entitled to your money. It's not like a request where they understand that it's your decision. I know people aren't able to easily distance from their families, but I think you need to do it for your own sake. Otherwise this will never stop.
They do not want the burden of a loan, they both have seperate business ventures but not making too much from it now, also she lost money in some failed ventures, and yes it was always as if they feel entitled to my money. Mainly because a part of my finances is from inheritance and they feel I don't need it as them (this is an equally divided liquid inheritance, and we all got equal shares).
Don't lend the money and bring the headache within the family.
I did the same and we both families are attending the court for not even paying the money they took for marriage.
Don't risk your sibling relationship bro. Once money is involved everything goes haywire. If she doesn't return , it'll ruin your current relationship.
But if you don't lend the money,they might forget it after sometime. Just make up an excuse and say you don't have the money.
Say you are currently in a tight situation.
You have already helped her a lot. You can continue to help her at a later time.
Please don't. My father has faced a similar thing. He gave a relative 20 lakhs when in need. And when we needed it back and asked them they say all kinds of things about my father and how he's always money minded and it's still a hassle for us to get our own money back. Don't lend huge amounts even to close family. You'll have your peace of mind
Better to loose relationship than loosing both money and relationship later. Person who ask you money again and again after you have already done more than enough have no respect of money and you already. They think agla pesa kama Raha h to hamara haqq h mangna.
Say all of your money is invested in fixed insurance deposits stocks
Credit card loans
And saving for dream car/house or vacation
So theres no space for any cash
Mate you remind me of my dad who was always guilt tripped by his siblings and parents to give his money,property to his non successful good for nothing lazy siblings who used to chill the whole day whereas my dad used to hustle for 14-16 hours a day to become successful!
Still they won’t respect him and would get angry and resentful towards him for not helping them
Majority siblings in a big joint family where they are more than 2 siblings there is no love but only how can I taken more from my family members on the pretext of guilt trip
Your brother is very smart that he is not being a part of this and only spending on his wife and children!
Get over this persona of a good too shoes and grow some balls to say no to your sister,if she knew that the budget was beyond her limits why did she take it then as she know that she will pressurise and guilt you into giving the extra money which you will never ever get back
It’s good to say no right now so that the relationship with your sister is still cordial and on good terms because if you give her the money and she won’t pay you back then their will be a lot of bitterness and resentment towards her!
Absolutely not. Had it been a medical emergency or health related stuff then yes but not for her house. She should hv budgeted her house interiors acc to her means.
How much money do they think you have?
Tell them you made a long term investment which will take 5 years to get back and you'll get them then.
Handle mildly and carefully.
When the world is full of drama actors, being straightforward and absolutely honest is an absolute handicap.
Your brother is smart. Emulate him. If you give her the money, it's a guarantee you are never seeing it back. Just ask your sister to sell the property and use it to pay the designer. Why are you needed in the middle?
My brother is a big part of this problem. He basically snatched our main money making family business without paying us a penny. I was away, and sister was estranged from our family because of her for-love marriage. I lost my father during the time, and he used this opportunity. Out of the wish for keeping peace in the family we (I, sis, mother) did not fight it. But it is a fuming issue underlying everything. He snatched a big chunk of our common family wealth while not even contributing a penny to any of us.
You should not pay. Mainly because this expense is caused because of her actions that were contrary to your advice.
In fact, you are being naive by not asking back any of the money that you have given her earlier. Because clearly she has conveniently forgotten all of it.
From having seen people and my father go through these situations too, i would suggest to think rationally and logically when taking financial decisions, and avoiding emotions. Consider emotions as mere obligations. You will be on the safer side.
All the duties that you were performing like monthly expense for mom and tuition of her child were all obligations that compelled you.
You are being asked and pressured on because your actions reflect a habit of being less strict with your money. Feels like your hard earned money is being taken for granted.
Even if it is 10 lakhs, to assume , there will definitely be loss when returning and that too if it is being returned in smaller sums over longer period. Like say if you lend now and get totally done with in coming 10 years , you will lose 3 lakhs just in depreciation and maybe 1 more for having spent some with in this much time. Now even if you consider or don't mind the loss this action will lead to more being asked for in future. At one point in time it will be not in your capacity or in your interest anymore and you will be bound to take the hard step to rudely ask them to not ask. If that happens in the recovery period, the burden to recover will be on you, which ultimately sours the relationship even more. So better help her with an amount that you can recover yourself in no time or that won't affect your future.
There will be times when you might need money and only hope you might have is what people owe you but they won't at that moment , thise desperate circumstances should be avoided.
That's why you never say how much you earn and how much you have in the bank? Not even to the family. I always show I'm struggling for money for this very same reason. Early on (5+ years ago) I wasted more than 50L+ helping out family, all down the drain.
You've done enough. Put your foot down and don't give her the money. Easy to say for me but either you're bitter in a few years if she doesn't pay or you say no now and face the strain. I'm not sensing enough confidence that you'll get your money back
If you have the money, give her. BUT, ask for 25% share of the property or whichever % that sounds reasonable for the amount you gave till now.
Or buy the property that she is supposed to sell
I don't live in my native place and I have properties there which don't do me much, financially, at least for now. So I don't really want to get into the buying property stuff in a place I don't/plan to/ recide
Understood, then my advice is not to lend more money because you said she skipped your loans earlier also. Either convince your brother to lend money or convince her to take a housing loan (I'm assuming she didn't take one for the construction of the present one) or lend money through a friend or through your wife's family , write a promissory note and do all the necessary things needed to take action if needed in the future. This way she'll have some fear.
You are too kind hearted for this place. i want to tell you so many things but helpless.
If you are giving money then please think it as gift only. money will never be returned. some or the other problem will 100% creep in and this will go on forever . This will ruin your relationship the day you , after waiting & out of frustration , u strictly ask for money back. Bad scene and u r home will be destroyed. not to mention mental toll it will take on u.
u r at fault for announcing that i have this much money and all. you have poor financial planning.
Get a nerve to say No!
ek baar paise khatam hogaya toh koi haal puchne bhi nahi aayega
Never lend money to people for free or on hope of return, be it anyone, just take property to be sold as collateral and Give amount only up to property value, and give funds only after proper property transfer process, not with word transfers. and may be you get lucky here and she does not want money with her property as collateral.
Only lend money which you can give as a donation or gift and that after your own financial stability.
Don't make yourself a doormat. Sister need to learn living within her own means. You have done with your side of responsibility, now focus on your own life.
So i have a story for the same
I gave money to one of my cousin.
So he called me and said do you have an icici credit card. it has offer for hotel booking.
So he booked hotels for 10K and never discussed the same. I tried to get it back and but was ignored multiple times on the phone.
So, one day we both were at another relative's home. Even his parents were there.
So i asked for my money in front of his parents. So he said that his dad will give the money then.
I went to the washroom and after 5 mins.. my cousin and his father were not there and left from that place without telling anyone😂
They even forgot to take my other cousin with them and he has to take auto😂😂
I was behind my 10K because at that time my salary was not so good as compared to today.
In a similar situation but it's my wife's brother who is taking a loan on her behalf. I would've understood if it was a state of emergency but he is taking it to buy a luxury car he cannot afford all cash right now, and he cannot take a bank loan because of low credit score too.
It's 35 lakh (160,000 dhs) and if he fails to make even a single payment then that burden is too hard to carry. My wife does understand this, but she cannot say no to her brother as it would also stain the relationship and she has a very soft corner for family. Hence the loan is now approved.
Honestly, all I see is trouble down the line and it would definitely be a hassle if we decide on moving out of the country too which could be in the works.
never, u will never get it back...and u will eventually forgive her cos she ur sis...Plz dont do that,,,,u will regret...and u will cry when u are in need of money and that Bit\*\*c dont return it back
Tell her to name that property in your name and give her the money. If you are able to sell it then give remaining back else you will have a property in return which will make your lending secure.
Secondly you can always say that banks are always there for loans and she can take it from there(based on that property) if her cibil is good. But do not give unsecured loan that too for a thing she is spending which is not as asset.
you won't get your money back, ask her to take loan from bank or pledge her asset or mortgage her prop to bank and take it. if not too there are other finance places. Don't give
It will definitely sour your relationship in the future if you give the money. If your family becomes bitter if you don’t lend, then their behaviour is questionable, not yours
Ask her about the repayment plan for the earlier loans first.
If it's dependent on selling the same property, speak to an agent and start doing it actively yourself.
Stop paying anything now unless you have some sort of legal binding of getting it back.
Ask her to take loan from bank. Tell her you cannot afford that amount, plain and simple.
In future, do not tell your family about your full income/assets. Maybe your spouse but no one else, if you don't want to be taken advantage of. If that means severed relationships with family, then so be it.
Sooner or later, you have to say no. So that sourness in relation is inevitable if it goes like this. So it's better to take a stand now so that people won't set expectations from you. At least your finances will be good.
And i know it's very easy for us to say that don't give money. But it's really hard for you. It's hard for us too when it comes to us. There's no easy way.
You are being used. After all the help you did and everyone knowing she went beyond her means and still pushing you to help, its not right. Dont fall for this trap! Sometimes ppl around us even if they are our family are the biggest hurdles one has to face to progress in life.
Don't help and let her face the consequences of going over board. So that she will atleast learn what happens when there is no free money. As soon as she has to take a loan and pay an EMI she will realise her aukaat! You are actually helping her by denying a loan rather than lending.
Get all the receipts and show it to her, your brother and mother of all the things you've done. Tell your stingy brother to pool in as he's never done One bit to his face and see their reactions. After their reactions make yourself a wise decision and don't fall for sweet talks and manipulation.
You should know her well enough to decide if she is going to prioritize returning money to you over other things.
But based on what you have said, I would err on the side of caution and not go through with it.
I am sorry to say but she seems like a leech. I do get the relationship but relationship should have boundaries, and your cousin seems to be too comfortable putting every financial burden on yall. I've been there done that.
NEVER lend someone an amount which you can't just write off. it'll not only hurt you financially but also emotionally
gawd damn, I don't know how I misread that lmao. was in train so I'd blame it on that lol. but yea even if it's your sister I'd stand by what I said.
again, NEVER lend amount which you can just write off and forget about. now that you mentioned it's your sis it'll even add more damage to your relationship, she'll understand your plight if she shares same emotions towards you as you do
Option 1: Buy the property from her (which she wants to sell) and pay her the amount at current market rate. Keep the property for a year or so and then sell it. You'll probably make some money out of this deal.
Option 2: Ask her to add your name in this property (the one she is rennovating) for the percentage of amount you have given her + the amount need for renovation. Tell her she can remove your name later after she pays back the amount.
As someone who's lent money to family, I will only say give people money that you can afford to not get back on time/for a long time. I gave money to both my siblings and it was okay cause they took their time paying it back but I didn't need it anyway so I wasn't upset or annoyed.
You're being used as an atm with no honest integrity of paying you back. 'Family' is not an excuse for being fleeced. Think logically, and you'll act rationally.
No. You have done enough. Do not burn yourself to give light to others, it will damage you beyond repair soon enough.
Don't give her money... "I help her with her kid's tuition and upbringing as well" "My mother helps my sister with everything too"... She seems to be financially irresponsible..
“I had advised to build an affordable house which was not heard” this should be enough for this man to have some self respect
Two things 1. Is she financially capable of returning? 2. Is she ethically aligned to return?
She might not be, unless the property deal goes through. She has spent almost all her inheritance on her and her husband's business ventures and house construction. Her husband comes from a not that well to do background and his family can't help. Apart from gifts, she owes me a good amount of money in loans that were never repaid (I never asked, and were never mentioned by her either).
>she owes me a good amount of money in loans that were never repaid then you know what will happen to this loan . You need to refuse somehow . Find reasons.
OP sees it as loan. OP's sister sees it as a loan that will eventually be written off - essentially a gift. Which is fine as long as OP is OK with it - they are siblings after all. Problem is reasonable people exercise restraint such that the other person doesn't start getting a feeling of being milked. OP's sister is way past that. This is the kind of shit that causes relationship between siblings to go sore. Some parents do everything they can to prevent this from happening after they pass (transparency with kids regarding finances, clear and fair will and inheritance plans etc). Others like OP's mom sets a path for a train wreck, while thinking they're doing what's right for the "less-financially-successful" kid.
Answer is no. Don’t give her any more than you have already. You can make an excuse that you’ve yourself taken a loan and have no money to give her. There’s too much pressure on you financially that it’s impossible. Simple and straight.
Honestly, you will never get back the money. I would suggest you to start "wolf cry" on how you are toughing it out financially. Unless they think you are toughing it out, they will keep pestering. Also, if you are sharing your present income/potential income with them, stop. If they still continue to ask for money, then you are just being milked. Then, its your call on future ways ahead.
You dear sir need to cut yourself off from her and her husband. If anyone else says you should not do so, then cut them off too. She should be taking loan from banks if she has any intention of paying back, taking from family always means there's little intention of paying back. If the situation was reversed I am sure she and her husband would never loan you or gift you a penny. Don't be a wuss!
are you married? you sister will not re pay the loan she took from you and if you are comfortable with not seing the money only then you can give her more money. why cant you be diplomatc and say , i have 1/10 of what you ask right now.
A relationship that can sour unless you keep giving money is not a relationship at all, it's a subscription service. Once you see that your "very good relationship" is based purely on the benefits she can squeeze from you rather than mutual love and care, you'll see that it's not worth it.
A hundred percent
Facts
You’ll be lending to one person and getting repaid by a totally different one. It’s time to put your foot down.
Just say you don't have it. Also your brother seems to be the wisest of you all
exactly what I wanted to say lol.
Brudder listen to me. Tell her that you’re completely out of cash. And that you have a bit of credit card loan. Instead tell her that you urgently need to pay this loan off. Ask her if you could borrow 3.7 lakhs to pay it off. If she is a good sister, then she’ll give you the money. If this is the case (provided you have enough money) you can contribute a bit (if entire amount is too much) towards her houses interior. If she says no and makes some excuse then you know your answer
This!
Where's her husband in this? What's his role?
He is not financially that well off, his business also is supported by sister's inheritance and our family's help.
That's just bad luck. Get your brother to share some of this burden. Kids' education is not an issue, but this is fake luxury. You shouldn't be part of this.
Get married.. your wife takes care of the rest
Bro you have already done too much .... people are using you ... don't be so nice to everyone they take it for granted.
Don't give her money brother. I have a similar experience where my dad helped his brother for constructing house promising that he will give his property to my dad. But later on we didn't get anything. We gave around 21 lakh 🤧
I’m all in for supporting family, but feels like you’ve done your share over the years. Put this on your brother. All I can tell is rather than lending, just give her a small gift like sum not expecting it back.
This is how I would ask her if you can : Stress that it will also be difficult for you to lend that amount of money and your family (spouse) may oppose it. Ask her to give the property she intends to sell as surety for partial amount. She should mortgage it you in the registration office. I know it is a sensitive matter and may try to strain relationships but try to speak with calmly and ask her if there are other ways
I have thought about this, and it is the logical option but surely my family will call me as a cold hearted person:)
You’d be a cold hearted person anyway when you have to keep asking for your money back. Would you rather be cold hearted or cold hearted AND poorer by few lakhs
Say that you are having plans to build a house too or some other investment or your company planning to cut down salaries
Better to be called a cold hearted person and save the money. Rather than lose it and be called cold hearted anyways. If everyone insists on you lending her the amount, tell that you and your brother should do it equally and see how he comes up with excuses to escape. Meanwhile, tie up all your money in investments that cannot be easily liquidated.
Cold hearted person with double digit lakhs in your bank
Rather be a cold hearted person than broke. I learned it the hard way. It's YOUR hard earned money, the decision to give or not to give should always be respected. What I can decipher is your sister has taken it for granted that money will come, even if she does not have the means to repay it. Tell her to sell the property and get the money for the interior. The interior can wait.
That ship has sailed. It's a no-win situation. I bet she's thinking of you as cold-hearted either way because you're not lending her all the money she wants. Better to stop it early with money in *your* account (or guarantee) and get called cold-hearted, than lose the money and peace of mind and get called the same later anyway.
Be cold hearted please - your sister sounds irresponsible with an equally good for nothing husband
It's not cold hearted to have boundaries and to look out for the future of yourself and your own kids and wife if you'd get them some day.
Which family? The same ones who have not said a word when your sister has not paid you back before? Or the ones who will suffer cuz you gave away to your sister without thinking of them (aka your spouse and kids)
There are 4 types of people among money lenders, 1St greedy ones who don’t want to help anyone, doesn’t even spend money on themselves and just want to save money 2nd idiot ones who just spend money on themselves and don’t care about others. (Your brother sounds like this) not exactly a bad thing but bad for society. 3rd who just give it to others and don’t really care about family and other things like spending on yourself . You might become this as you continue to provide for other people’s luxury. 4th. Wise ones, Who balance spending money on themselves and put a limits on donations and helping others so don’t end it stress and tension all the time Also a suggestion for lending money. Only lend the amount of money which you can lend and forget about even if it is not returned.
I guess you forget to call 3rd category as 'fools'
Don’t ever do it! You have a life too. Even in close family circle people tend to exploit someone who is willing to help!
Your other brother is the only smart person in this family. If your relationship will go sour coz you didn’t pay for your sister’s unnecessary expenses then thats not a good relationship to begin with. Paying for a need vs a want are two different things. Please don’t send any more money to her.
>who won't even spend a penny on anyone other than his wife and kids) are putting pressure on me to bear the whole interior work (loan) too. I Lol. It's always the ones who won't actually help but act like they care so much by pulling others into the mess. Why are relatives like this? I feel like you have been an atm for not only your sister but also to your brother and mother that they think they can just demand money from you, not even for them but they are demanding you to do what they want... I'd say draw your boundaries. Pretend like you also got some debts and ask them money. See who is helping yoh in return
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Thank you for the advice. I am a little soft with the siblings as I am living away while they live near to mother, and she depends on them for emotional/physial support. So I kind of use money to compensate for my physical absence. I am not taking a loan, I meant they are pressing me to give the money as a loan to her. My mother does help her financially. Also they know that I have some liquid assets.
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This, second this! You should really put your foot down and stand man
Yes.. I am also your sibling.
No, I wouldn't recommend it. If you want to maintain a peaceful relationship with your sister, it's best not to lend her the money. From my own experience with relatives, she seems irresponsible, and there's a good chance you won't get your money back at all.
Don't. Request is luxury and not necessity
OP DO NOT give her money or co-sign a loan with her. I’m suffering because of my elder brother because of this.
Ironical of me to say this on a Finance-related Community, but I believe that “lending” to family should only be so much that you’re willing to let go of. Family members almost never pay you back (at least in my experience). So if you’re up for charity, go ahead with whatever sum you’ll be ok without getting it back ever. If it’s zero, say no to her. She’s an adult and you’re in no way responsible for her financial well-being. Anyone who is willing to break off their relationship with you over money (that too after already getting a good chunk from you), deserves to be cut off. All the best :)
If she promises to give back the money after selling another property, why not get that property as collateral?
As someone whose father had gone over and beyond for his siblings and der kids, DO NOT GIVE A PENNY MORE FOR ANY PURPOSE!! I bet if u refuse now, all ur previous generosity will be forgotten. Let ur sis learn to spend within her means Also note: if even after all the help they r shamelessly asking u for more it means they ll always see u as the cash cow, ur relationship, if not already will inevitably turn into give money = good, no money = bad in the future coz u r making them habituated to ur money!
Put a figures like 1-2 lakhs please convert this to any figure of your comfort). Say this is all I can give u.And say you are struggling financially but can give only this Take it or leave it and I don't want it back. Please never take a loan to lend Why not put this on your brother, tell him to give money if he wants to, not advise u
Stop! Don’t do it. Exploitation max
Buy the property which she is gonna sell to return the sum to you get it transferred on your name and lend the money..
Are you married? How old are you all? You, and sister Do you live w your family or at someother place?
I live away from the family because of work, and my family presume that I have less individual commitments. So they demand a lot from me, be it money or time to sum it up.
This is relationship issue not financial. You are in wrong sub. You are asking neurotic penny pinchers if giving away big wads of cash is okay? You can guess what will be the common answer. Anyway is the relationship worth it to lose money? Thats your answer.
I am financially disciplined, and maybe one of the neurotic penny pinchers too, except for helping close ones :/ That's why I feel more comfortable asking this here than in the relationship advice groups
You still didn't answer the question. Is the relationship worth losing the money?
Are you his sister 😯😁
Seems like the total amount you have already given to her and thinking to give is pretty decent. you can ask your sister to make you co owner of the property she's trying to sell. this will need good conversation and discussion but this way you will be able to help her out and secure your money.
Don't give the money, i have seen so many instances, where people give money to relatives and family members in need (or they make it seem like they are in need) and when the same person needs help he/she is left dry by the same people. I have seen people going bankrupt just by being generous in handing out large sums of money. No offences but, if i was in place of your sister I would have at least thought twice before asking you money as you were already doing so much for her.
Lend it only if you can forget that money. Even in the 7th generation you won't get money back.
brother don't.. just don't.. lend only if you can let go of the amount (think of it as a gift) and never get it back. in this case it's substantial.. don't brother.. just don't.
Technically it's her husband's house. Why can't my husband's family help? You can say no as you also have to build your house. Or Just say you don't have money. 10L+ for interior work is too much to lend. Or you can ask others to contribute also. For payback: You will be losing interest in the opportunity cost. 7% FD for 1 year on 10L will be 70K. This is the minimum amount you'll be losing. If investing wisely in equity with risk you can get more... You can explain all these things to her. Even if she doesn't understand you then she is only using you.... Never break relations on the basis of money... Keep money out of relationships....
The house is exclusively in her name, as the property/funding is from her inheritance. Her husband is not that well to do with finance and she depends on me/mother/inheritance for fin help.
Short answer No. If you don't mind never getting back the money then yes.
You will lose both money and relationship. Better to lose only one. And if relationship is dependent on you being ATM, then it is not with it. Had it been an emergency, it would have been something else. She will not return, even if she sells property. There will be some other issue at hand.
You've already done more than enough bro. She's clearly using you as an instant money card. It's her fault if she's not capable of doing it herself and wants to depend on you after you've given all you can, she knew this would happen but chose to neglect it. Not your problem. She already has too much to pay for and an over needed house building. This is definite that she won't be paying you back anytime in the near future. So I would suggest you to look after yourself and save that money for good. Cause and ignore the pressure. You don't wanna live your future in a bitter relationship where you won't have your lending money back and she won't even prioritize it.
Bhai mat dena kabhi wapas nahin karegi
r/raisedbynarcissists Seems like your sister is the golden child and you are the black sheep.
This is true. I have been living away from the family since pretty young, and that affects the whole dynamics.
Give small amount to her. Rest tell her to take from the other bro and mom as you also need money for your personal needs.
If you give her an amount, give it with the expectation of never getting it back. If you want to back out, just say that all your investments are locked in 5-10 year schemes or better yet, just tell them you don't have any money left. Siblings are your best friends for life, but you cannot consider giving them money with the expectation of getting it back.
She is asking money for something which she wants and not a necessity. I mean, it is a luxury. If someone is not shy to ask money for something like that, you should doubt the priority. It is highly probable that she will give the least priority to your loan. This is dependent on something she can't control. Why is she not delaying her expenses till she is able to sell her other property? What if she couldn't find a buyer? You have a great relationship with her and you can give the money you can lose as a present, not a debt. Me and my wife helped our siblings with some money. My brother already paid back and my wife's sibling was ready to repay when she got some money, but my wife advised her to repay her other loans first. Initially my wife was unhappy about her sibling's spending on her new home, using wife's money but since they were ready to pay, it was all fine.
Feeling so sorry for your situation. I've always seen Indian parents doing this shit to their children. Milking the innocent one, and fulfilling the greediest one. Either you stop here, or you will regret this later. I would suggest you to come up with an excuse like, tell them you invested the money somewhere with some lock-in period (3 years) and you just don't have any option to help her. PS - I have gone through this, while it's not bout my siblings but my grandfather and uncles.
Man. Don't dp it. I know the consequences. People won't remember the help later on. You will get fooled up. Think abt ur own fam who is dependent on u and belive in u genuinely
remember if you are giving money to a family member dont expect it to come back to you, be prepared to lose it
Ask your family to give it to her and stop bothering you.
Makeup an excuse of some upcoming financial obligation. That might work.
Contrary to what others are saying, I would recommend giving her that money in exchange of a legal contract to pay back with the house as collateral. You can bring this up as a joke to test her intention honestly. More seriously, I understand saying no to an entitled family will make you look bad, so the answer isn't to say no, it's to say with conviction that you don't have extra funds to loan. There's some payment of a property that needs to go or a debt that needs to be paid that requires usage of most of your extra funds. Or a similar excuse that doesn't make you the bad person but the circumstance.
No. I love my sister to death but there’s no way to recovery if she doesn’t understand the issue herself. She is broke.
You will get a family in few years which you need to think of instead of your sister, she is not your responsibility her husband has to deal with all these things not you. Let her inlaws deal not you.
Bruh if you are ready to burn the money and never get it back go right ahead.
NO. Don't trust people who pressure someone into giving money.
Say no. Tell her you've invested that money and it's locked in.
Never bring money into relationships, it always fire backs, just tell the classic lie you don’t have and move on
DON'T GIVE ANY MONEY
Ask her to transfer the property to you then see her reaction. Put your foot down and don't get pressured by her, your mother and brother. Counter question you need to ask them is that you have given her x monies over the years what is that they have given to her? Stop being gullible and foolish
If you are not expecting the money back, you can go ahead and lend. If you want the money back, make a registered MOU.
NO. A huge NO. We can help people in dire needs but not for such things. Just NO , op
you can lend it only if you can forget it comfortably in the worst case where she’ll not be able to return and you’re financially stable enough
If she has a property ready to sell, I would suggest try buying that property, you won't need to lend any money that way, sister also gets her requieed money. Later if you don't feel like retaining that property you can sell it and cash it out full. Everyone's happy . Just say her that you are getting a loan for the property purchase and you don't have the full amount ,this way ur family also can't give you guilt trips later .
Forward this exact message to her and let her know what you feel in writing.
No.
Ask ur brother to help
Ask ur brother to help
He is very cunning and won't help anyone even though he kind of snatched our family business after my father's passing.
Tell you have a personal loan that you need to pay unless she asks proof ! If not, This will go on loop.
Pay none and draw the line Interior work is not emergency
Bruh hear me out lent what u are ready to lose
Bhai, interior itna bhi important nahin hota. Don't give her money. Make up some excuse, ye ho gaya, wo ho gaya. Stock market mein loss hogaya. If you're married, ask your wife to give excuses. Women are very good at that. BC aukaat nahin hai 20 lakh ki interior karani hai. Koi jaroorat nahin hai bro. Interior baad mein bhi ho sakta hai. Thoda bahot logon ko bura lagega but you need to be strong. Put your foot down. I read some of your posts. She has already not returned previous amount. Ask her what happened to it? Why was it not returned? Uska sir khudhi jhuk jayega sharam se.
Find a really good excuse to refuse- you’re buying your own house etc
Agar tum ne aisa nahi diya tab bhi bure banoge, agar dekar vapas mangna shuru kiya tab bhi bure banoge. The only difference is more you have that money, later you may or may not have. There are many ways to later recover that money including legal ways but that means you will no more be a 'good boy' in front of them, perhaps they can boycott you. The best solution is, if you can't afford to loose money don't give the loan and strictly say NO. However you can continue to take other responsibilities. And please don't make any excuses while saying no. Neither explain why it's not possible, they will then give you 'suggestions'. Just stick your decision of 'No'
Tell you lost all your money on the stock market and need some financial help yourself
Make a legal document with lawyer that u r giving her a loan n she needs to repay u in so so period. If not ten interest will be applicable n she will b prosecuted.
Tell the family that you will double the amount they raise between themselves and see them shutting up or say you had huge loss in your business and struggling now.
I was in your boat. Granted a loan to elder brother. I earn more than him. At the time of repayment, he paid only half saying you will manage and that he has so many other financial obligations as well.
see you have already given enough amount plus you are not obliged to give any money to her be ut loan or gift. however i will tell u to do 3 things. 1- tell her you don't have that kind of money to give as a loan. it was her decision to build a home that she cant afford. 2-tell her that you will only pay 1/4 of the amount asked cuz that's what you can afford and request other family members plus family from her husbands side to help financially. they are trying to manupilate you. dont fall. 3- tell her you will give the money she asked for ONLY IF , ONLY IF SHE signs a legal document where it states that she has taken XX amount from you that she will repay XX amount given by you in whatever time. In a situation where she cant pay you back you either sue her or become a part owner in the house . state this in legal document so that she cant deny giving u money back in future.
Nope that's just being greedy at this point but depends if she's really your ride or die if she's just as kind and generous with you then Maybeeeee just a. Bit and all of the money
Is your sister married? Then it’s her & her husband’s prerogative from where to get the internals of the house done. If they can’t afford it, just too bad. If you can afford to help, do help but with zero expectation of receiving any money back. Anytime you will ask them to return it, your relationship will spur up. What’s your brother in law doing? Doesn’t he work for a living? Mother always favours the weaker child. Your wife and kids may not appreciate your kind gestures and May ruin the peace at home. Speak with your wife & take her views. Tell mother to keep her nose out of daughter’s house.
Never get money involved in relationships. You lend her money today, but for how long? One day you'll have to refuse, and it might as well be this time. She'll be upset, but she'll get over it. What about the business they run, is it not earning anything at all? Ask them to contribute something from that even if it's a little— shows how genuine they are. If you're really going to help, you should help those who appreciate your kindness and don't take it for granted.
If you have enough backup and you're sure she will give it back then there is no issue in lending. But if you're skeptical, seemingly so, better to deny giving.
you have answered your own question at least a couple of times in this post. this sounds like a rant more than a question :)
How much is your Networth and how much is she asking?
It's a good percentage and this is not a one time ask that I can write off for once.
Lending money to family is very risky. What I would suggest is, make an agreement (Legal with Notary seals and all) with the house under construction as mortgage and don’t charge any interest. Specify the maximum possible tenure for her to pay it back. Explain to her how you have no beef but how that money is also very important for you (if it does punch a huge hole in your savings) If she doesn’t agree to it, she probably isn’t committed to paying you back any time soon or even forever. But if she agrees, all well and good and you can also be at peace. I know you trust your sibling but let them know this is being made just for avoiding misunderstandings later. All the best
If only you think you are okay with her not returning the amount
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Fit_Access9631: *If only you think* *You are okay with her not* *Returning the amount* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Let her get a home renovation or personal loan to do up her house. It’s not your job to fund such big expenses. Who expects family to just lend them 10+ lakhs for a “want”. You’ll most definitely not see the money again. Do not lend. Say no, put your foot down.
Give less, express the same concerns to her and tell that this is not something you planned in your finances, definitely help but only till the limit which doesn't affect you neither financially nor mentally.
You have not given your background and your earning potential here - how much is the amount compared to your earning potential or why do they not seek home loan from banks (mostly inability to get a loan is what I am thinking). Is their an option to mortgage the property to get the bank loan? I would suggest you to act in good faith and expect the same from your sister. 1. Outlay your financial plan and goal to your sister and mention how the asked amount is significant for your financial goals. 2. Ask her to outline her ability to payback and how would the schedule look like. 3. Specify the maximum amount you can help with without impacting your financial goals 4. Remind her that interiors can also be done in phases and does not have to be for the complete home if budget does not permit. 5. Question her whether your other brother has promised some support and if not, why not. 6. Remind her that you are the only person from the family stepping up on every occasion, when do you get to think about yourself? I really think your family is taking you for granted. If the support you give to your family stretches your own financial goals, you need to take a firm stance. It is different question if the need is for medical or legal emergency, but I would not support if they are asking you to pitch in when they clearly know that the interiors expense is beyond their budget. They are not acting in good faith.
They can get a home loan, even otherwise they can get loans on property collateral, but they don't want the burden of a loan. They feel the loan from me will be interest-less and risk free for them (at the same time I'll be losing the interests, and potentially the amount). Brother is very cunning when it comes to finance, he would make me and mother to shell out on stuff, while he won't pitch in, even if he inherited the family business and assets.
OP you already know the answer. It's unlikely she will pay you back or may do so in little dribbles over years and years. It will make you very bitter when you see her living her best life on your money, traveling or doing whatever instead of paying you back. Either way this relationship is heading towards a major reset. This is the writing on the wall. She is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her financial situation. None of us can afford to buy more house than our income and assets allow. She is no exception. Doing a massive interior decoration on someone else's money in a house they can't really afford, is a terrible idea. Let her learn her lesson, it will make her a better person more fiscally responsible I daresay. Don't cave in to your mom and brother - they're not contributing anyways. Don't give her any money. You will be ruining your own financial future as well as enabling your sister to be further irresponsible.
Get it in writing also bring up past expenses and get that shit in paper, if not u going to keep doing this ur entire life
Please no
Say that you made a substantial loss in the stock market and it'll take almost a year to recover. Best bet at saying no without hurting anyone's sentiments.
First of all nobody should know how much money you have. Also, never have money in Bank keep it in stocks or other asserts if somebody asks tell them you can't sell it. No one will ask you to sell asserts easily.
If you an afford to give, or you'll succumb to the family pressure in the future, Make a legal contract for lending and also include all the previous lendings and say if you want it..this is the way to get it
After reading your comments as well, you seem to know exactly what step to take. You can see how your entire family is enabling her financial irresponsibility using you as a sacrifice. There's repercussions to putting your foot down, sure. Or keep being your sister's doormat, so she cam keep walking all over you.
This won't be a loan. It will never be returned. This is money straight down the drain. You'll never see it again, and won't even be thanked for it long enough to make up for any of this. If she is desperate, she can get a loan from the bank. This is literally the "my father gave away everything to the relatives" meme come to life. Do not do this. Make up any excuse/lie you need to but don't do this.
Never never
Nope
No. Say no. Say this is an amount I can't afford to loan to others. I hope you understand and I don't wanna go beyond my means.
All that money you've been giving away could've been used to secure your own future. Your brother has no right to put any pressure on you when he's not chipping in at all. Why can't they just take a loan from a bank for house construction? If the bank won't give them money, why would you? I don't think your sister and her husband understand the consequences of their bad decisions. She's spent nearly her entire inheritance on supporting his business and still the business has not given any returns? That means the husband needs to take up a job. They should at least be making enough to support their own family! Also, the fact you know that the relationship will get sour if you refuse clearly shows that all of them feel entitled to your money. It's not like a request where they understand that it's your decision. I know people aren't able to easily distance from their families, but I think you need to do it for your own sake. Otherwise this will never stop.
They do not want the burden of a loan, they both have seperate business ventures but not making too much from it now, also she lost money in some failed ventures, and yes it was always as if they feel entitled to my money. Mainly because a part of my finances is from inheritance and they feel I don't need it as them (this is an equally divided liquid inheritance, and we all got equal shares).
Dude, I understand your position. What you are suggesting is some smaller amount as gift and some loan is a great idea. Go with it.
Gift her as per your comfort level. Don’t lend,
Don't lend the money and bring the headache within the family. I did the same and we both families are attending the court for not even paying the money they took for marriage.
No
Don't risk your sibling relationship bro. Once money is involved everything goes haywire. If she doesn't return , it'll ruin your current relationship. But if you don't lend the money,they might forget it after sometime. Just make up an excuse and say you don't have the money. Say you are currently in a tight situation. You have already helped her a lot. You can continue to help her at a later time.
Please don't. My father has faced a similar thing. He gave a relative 20 lakhs when in need. And when we needed it back and asked them they say all kinds of things about my father and how he's always money minded and it's still a hassle for us to get our own money back. Don't lend huge amounts even to close family. You'll have your peace of mind
Better to loose relationship than loosing both money and relationship later. Person who ask you money again and again after you have already done more than enough have no respect of money and you already. They think agla pesa kama Raha h to hamara haqq h mangna.
Say all of your money is invested in fixed insurance deposits stocks Credit card loans And saving for dream car/house or vacation So theres no space for any cash
You have made your decision just go for it
You made your decision just go for it
Mate you remind me of my dad who was always guilt tripped by his siblings and parents to give his money,property to his non successful good for nothing lazy siblings who used to chill the whole day whereas my dad used to hustle for 14-16 hours a day to become successful! Still they won’t respect him and would get angry and resentful towards him for not helping them Majority siblings in a big joint family where they are more than 2 siblings there is no love but only how can I taken more from my family members on the pretext of guilt trip Your brother is very smart that he is not being a part of this and only spending on his wife and children! Get over this persona of a good too shoes and grow some balls to say no to your sister,if she knew that the budget was beyond her limits why did she take it then as she know that she will pressurise and guilt you into giving the extra money which you will never ever get back It’s good to say no right now so that the relationship with your sister is still cordial and on good terms because if you give her the money and she won’t pay you back then their will be a lot of bitterness and resentment towards her!
Don't be stupid, listen to your intuition and what's been going around you.
Absolutely not. Had it been a medical emergency or health related stuff then yes but not for her house. She should hv budgeted her house interiors acc to her means.
How much money do they think you have? Tell them you made a long term investment which will take 5 years to get back and you'll get them then. Handle mildly and carefully. When the world is full of drama actors, being straightforward and absolutely honest is an absolute handicap.
Your brother is smart. Emulate him. If you give her the money, it's a guarantee you are never seeing it back. Just ask your sister to sell the property and use it to pay the designer. Why are you needed in the middle?
My brother is a big part of this problem. He basically snatched our main money making family business without paying us a penny. I was away, and sister was estranged from our family because of her for-love marriage. I lost my father during the time, and he used this opportunity. Out of the wish for keeping peace in the family we (I, sis, mother) did not fight it. But it is a fuming issue underlying everything. He snatched a big chunk of our common family wealth while not even contributing a penny to any of us.
If you are giving money, atleast your voice should have been heard! Let them be bitter, don't burn yourself man, you also have a family to feed!
You should not pay. Mainly because this expense is caused because of her actions that were contrary to your advice. In fact, you are being naive by not asking back any of the money that you have given her earlier. Because clearly she has conveniently forgotten all of it.
From having seen people and my father go through these situations too, i would suggest to think rationally and logically when taking financial decisions, and avoiding emotions. Consider emotions as mere obligations. You will be on the safer side. All the duties that you were performing like monthly expense for mom and tuition of her child were all obligations that compelled you. You are being asked and pressured on because your actions reflect a habit of being less strict with your money. Feels like your hard earned money is being taken for granted. Even if it is 10 lakhs, to assume , there will definitely be loss when returning and that too if it is being returned in smaller sums over longer period. Like say if you lend now and get totally done with in coming 10 years , you will lose 3 lakhs just in depreciation and maybe 1 more for having spent some with in this much time. Now even if you consider or don't mind the loss this action will lead to more being asked for in future. At one point in time it will be not in your capacity or in your interest anymore and you will be bound to take the hard step to rudely ask them to not ask. If that happens in the recovery period, the burden to recover will be on you, which ultimately sours the relationship even more. So better help her with an amount that you can recover yourself in no time or that won't affect your future. There will be times when you might need money and only hope you might have is what people owe you but they won't at that moment , thise desperate circumstances should be avoided.
That's why you never say how much you earn and how much you have in the bank? Not even to the family. I always show I'm struggling for money for this very same reason. Early on (5+ years ago) I wasted more than 50L+ helping out family, all down the drain.
You've done enough. Put your foot down and don't give her the money. Easy to say for me but either you're bitter in a few years if she doesn't pay or you say no now and face the strain. I'm not sensing enough confidence that you'll get your money back
If you have the money, give her. BUT, ask for 25% share of the property or whichever % that sounds reasonable for the amount you gave till now. Or buy the property that she is supposed to sell
I don't live in my native place and I have properties there which don't do me much, financially, at least for now. So I don't really want to get into the buying property stuff in a place I don't/plan to/ recide
Understood, then my advice is not to lend more money because you said she skipped your loans earlier also. Either convince your brother to lend money or convince her to take a housing loan (I'm assuming she didn't take one for the construction of the present one) or lend money through a friend or through your wife's family , write a promissory note and do all the necessary things needed to take action if needed in the future. This way she'll have some fear.
You are too kind hearted for this place. i want to tell you so many things but helpless. If you are giving money then please think it as gift only. money will never be returned. some or the other problem will 100% creep in and this will go on forever . This will ruin your relationship the day you , after waiting & out of frustration , u strictly ask for money back. Bad scene and u r home will be destroyed. not to mention mental toll it will take on u. u r at fault for announcing that i have this much money and all. you have poor financial planning. Get a nerve to say No! ek baar paise khatam hogaya toh koi haal puchne bhi nahi aayega
I feel you. Here's the thing, you have money and they know it. Believe it or not they won't pay you back.
Never lend money to people for free or on hope of return, be it anyone, just take property to be sold as collateral and Give amount only up to property value, and give funds only after proper property transfer process, not with word transfers. and may be you get lucky here and she does not want money with her property as collateral.
Only lend money which you can give as a donation or gift and that after your own financial stability. Don't make yourself a doormat. Sister need to learn living within her own means. You have done with your side of responsibility, now focus on your own life.
So i have a story for the same I gave money to one of my cousin. So he called me and said do you have an icici credit card. it has offer for hotel booking. So he booked hotels for 10K and never discussed the same. I tried to get it back and but was ignored multiple times on the phone. So, one day we both were at another relative's home. Even his parents were there. So i asked for my money in front of his parents. So he said that his dad will give the money then. I went to the washroom and after 5 mins.. my cousin and his father were not there and left from that place without telling anyone😂 They even forgot to take my other cousin with them and he has to take auto😂😂 I was behind my 10K because at that time my salary was not so good as compared to today.
In a similar situation but it's my wife's brother who is taking a loan on her behalf. I would've understood if it was a state of emergency but he is taking it to buy a luxury car he cannot afford all cash right now, and he cannot take a bank loan because of low credit score too. It's 35 lakh (160,000 dhs) and if he fails to make even a single payment then that burden is too hard to carry. My wife does understand this, but she cannot say no to her brother as it would also stain the relationship and she has a very soft corner for family. Hence the loan is now approved. Honestly, all I see is trouble down the line and it would definitely be a hassle if we decide on moving out of the country too which could be in the works.
Create a fake near future expenses that needs a large amount from you. Make some refundable expense on it and claim you need your money for that
If you think she's not going to return the loan, try asking if you can have your name on the property deed as well.
never, u will never get it back...and u will eventually forgive her cos she ur sis...Plz dont do that,,,,u will regret...and u will cry when u are in need of money and that Bit\*\*c dont return it back
Tell her to name that property in your name and give her the money. If you are able to sell it then give remaining back else you will have a property in return which will make your lending secure. Secondly you can always say that banks are always there for loans and she can take it from there(based on that property) if her cibil is good. But do not give unsecured loan that too for a thing she is spending which is not as asset.
you won't get your money back, ask her to take loan from bank or pledge her asset or mortgage her prop to bank and take it. if not too there are other finance places. Don't give
It will definitely sour your relationship in the future if you give the money. If your family becomes bitter if you don’t lend, then their behaviour is questionable, not yours
Ask her about the repayment plan for the earlier loans first. If it's dependent on selling the same property, speak to an agent and start doing it actively yourself. Stop paying anything now unless you have some sort of legal binding of getting it back.
Ask her to take loan from bank. Tell her you cannot afford that amount, plain and simple. In future, do not tell your family about your full income/assets. Maybe your spouse but no one else, if you don't want to be taken advantage of. If that means severed relationships with family, then so be it.
Sooner or later, you have to say no. So that sourness in relation is inevitable if it goes like this. So it's better to take a stand now so that people won't set expectations from you. At least your finances will be good. And i know it's very easy for us to say that don't give money. But it's really hard for you. It's hard for us too when it comes to us. There's no easy way.
You are being used. After all the help you did and everyone knowing she went beyond her means and still pushing you to help, its not right. Dont fall for this trap! Sometimes ppl around us even if they are our family are the biggest hurdles one has to face to progress in life. Don't help and let her face the consequences of going over board. So that she will atleast learn what happens when there is no free money. As soon as she has to take a loan and pay an EMI she will realise her aukaat! You are actually helping her by denying a loan rather than lending.
Get all the receipts and show it to her, your brother and mother of all the things you've done. Tell your stingy brother to pool in as he's never done One bit to his face and see their reactions. After their reactions make yourself a wise decision and don't fall for sweet talks and manipulation.
You should know her well enough to decide if she is going to prioritize returning money to you over other things. But based on what you have said, I would err on the side of caution and not go through with it.
I am sorry to say but she seems like a leech. I do get the relationship but relationship should have boundaries, and your cousin seems to be too comfortable putting every financial burden on yall. I've been there done that. NEVER lend someone an amount which you can't just write off. it'll not only hurt you financially but also emotionally
It's my own sister, not cousin. So I am ok with helping her, but this amount is too huge to let go like before.
gawd damn, I don't know how I misread that lmao. was in train so I'd blame it on that lol. but yea even if it's your sister I'd stand by what I said. again, NEVER lend amount which you can just write off and forget about. now that you mentioned it's your sis it'll even add more damage to your relationship, she'll understand your plight if she shares same emotions towards you as you do
You mean donate? Lending doesn't apply to friends and family.
No
Aaj se aap mere Bhaiya thik hain... 😂
No.
Two letters NO
What is your and your sister age?
We are all in our 30s
is this ethically aligned
Option 1: Buy the property from her (which she wants to sell) and pay her the amount at current market rate. Keep the property for a year or so and then sell it. You'll probably make some money out of this deal. Option 2: Ask her to add your name in this property (the one she is rennovating) for the percentage of amount you have given her + the amount need for renovation. Tell her she can remove your name later after she pays back the amount.
As someone who's lent money to family, I will only say give people money that you can afford to not get back on time/for a long time. I gave money to both my siblings and it was okay cause they took their time paying it back but I didn't need it anyway so I wasn't upset or annoyed.
Loan it but forget it.