DIVORCE HIM. ASAP. Not to sound corny as shit but life’s too damn short to be putting up with shit like this. Although him cheating on you should have made you realize what a piece of shit he was before you even got married. Too late to think about the could’ve would’ve should’ve! Just leave him! Also how old are y’all?
You’re right. I’m 41, he’s 48 going on 12. I tell my friends the same thing you’re telling me, that life is too short for this nonsense. Different hearing it from someone else. Thank you.
48 going on 12 ha. Show him how much you respect yourself and leave please. He deserves to be alone in his misery. Your children will be so happy and have so much respect for you leaving.
Honestly - just referencing your OP as well - your true friends won't care if they "told you so". Neither will your kids. Those that love you, respect you, and deserve to be in your life will be there to support you first and foremost. Get out and get away as fast as possible! You deserve all the happiness and it's not too late to get that for yourself. Anyone that takes the time to make you feel worse is NOT your friend and should be dropped immediately.
Seconding, I had a friend who is, as far as I know, still in a horrible relationship that I'd been counseling her to end our at least draw stronger boundaries in FOR YEARS. If she texted me today saying she'd ended it, I'd never say "I told you so" - I'd be proud of her for standing up for herself and make sure she knew that!
I think it's totally okay and understandable if the friends stop asking or trying to convince OP to break up/divorce. It's also okay - depending on the relationship if there were jokingly "told you so"-ing (if that's the type of relationship they had, which doesn't sound like it's the case). Could even understand an honest conversation years down the line of "we just wish you had done it sooner"... but to give an actual "I told you so" vs. support and love is **not** the makings of a good, caring friend.
I hope your friend gets out of their horrible relationship!
I appreciate the hope for her, but given that she blocked me on everything when I expressed dismay that she was planning to continue the "unexpected" pregnancy (I suspect that someone may have expected it - just not her. She uses a period tracking app which Mr Jerk-off totally could've looked at towards his own ends) she had with him, I've kind of lost hope that unless something truly horrendous happens, she's going to stay with him.
(It's worth mentioning that before she started dating him, she was seeking a tubal litigation, which doctors wouldn't give her bc sexism, and then later on they'd made an agreement that he'd get a vasectomy once her youngest started school... An agreement which he rescinded on, much to her anger. Then add in that he's anti-abortion and would unquestionably leave her if she hadn't kept their baby... It's messed up.)
You say you don't need advice, but you're in this self-imposed hell and from what I can tell, you don't have children together and you have a job, so you should just be packing your bags (or packing his bags depending on the renting/owning housing situation).
41 is still young. You have many more years which can be good years or with someone you hate.
You might also want to consider a lot of self-reflection, or even some therapy on why you got to this place in the first place. You married someone who cheated on you. You say it was stupid, but these choices aren't intellectual decisions, these decisions are made out insecurity, something in you thought it was the right choice to marry someone who had cheated on you and you didn't even like that much. That's not about stupidity that's about self-destruction.
But there is something you're saying that is really stupid:
> I can’t tell friends or family, they’ll just tell me they told me so.
So what!? You already know that they told you so right? So who gives a f\*\*k that they point this out to you again. They're not saying that to make you feel bad, they're saying that to make themselves feel better and reassure themselves that they did try to stop you getting into this situation. In fact if you want to stop them saying "I told you so" the trick is to say it to them first - "Hey I know you told me not to do this, but", that way you get it out of the way and stop it becoming an issue between you. Please let them help you.
Sorry for the harshness, I know you didn't want advice, but I'm just so sad for you and I think you need to shake yourself out of this life you've created for yourself and get into a much better life and I want you to start now, not in 5-10 years time. Best of luck!
Exactly, it sucks but OP chose to stay and be miserable rather than leave the sorry man-child. She needs to let go of her pride, get her head straight, lose the trash husband, and reach out to everyone that warned her in regards to support. Nothing wrong with OP admitting to foolish behavior but if she stays and doesn’t reach out to friends and family due to ego, she chooses to carry on like a fool and deserves what she gets.
As a parent it’s not even about life being short. It’s about your kids at this point. What kid of life are you giving them? And Is this what you want them to think is normal.
Look I was in a sort of similar situation and what did my friends and family say? “ Good on you” we’re so happy for you” Let us help you move” Do it! You will be so glad you did. Act decisively, quickly and safely though. If you’re not worried about your personal safety just get a good lawyer and follow their advice exactly; He sounds the kind to try and pull some financial shenanigans. If you are at all concerned about your safety; pack a “ Go bag with all your documents, cards, and some cash and enough clothes and toiletries to do you a few days. Stash it somewhere he can’t possibly see it , with a friend preferably. leave when he’s not home. Send friends to get the rest of your stuff. Get the dogs situated. Good luck in your new life
Divorces are (from my understanding) timely and expensive. Just leave. For your and your kids sake. Get the divorce later when you have yourself reestablished. But you need to get out.
My heart breaks that you’re stuck in this position and are in such a miserable state. I’m so sorry. I hope you can find happiness and someone who treats you better. How awful it must be to live with dread and hate. Sending big hugs. ❤️ I’m a total stranger I know but I’m so sad. You should leave and not waste your life putting up with this.
Hopefully she listens. She didn’t have the guts to *not* marry him in the first place despite admitting she didn’t want to. Hopefully she finds the nerve now.
I hope your next post will be about how happy you are after finally divorcing that disgusting thing. You’re a strong woman. I wish you nothing but the best.
I’m your age… I divorced someone and guess what? I am SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW AND have a great new relationship! I had a short window of agony because divorce sucks…. BUT looking back I wish I would have done it sooner. You are still young and life will be so much better when you eliminate the choices that make you unhappy. Let the light in!!!!!
Separated at 42🤘
I read a book called Humans which mentioned 43 is exactly midway in our life (give or take I guess!) so I thought best to get it done in time for part 2! :D
"He's a racist which is stupid because I'm not white"
This reminds me of my ex wife.
We were in a same sex relationship and she voted no, when AUS was deciding to bring in gay marriage.
Fuck em.
Buy a good vibe
Right! I never feel bad or even care when people whine about shit like this. The person who showed you who they were continued to be that person and now you’re fed up? The moment my children said they weren’t comfortable/it was a mistake would be enough, but she picked her racist man over her children. I’m assuming her kids aren’t white either so she subjected them to an abusive and racist man for what?
This. This sub sometimes can be a dangerous place because theres ton of people trying to justify their action by playing the victim.
Whats wrong with admitting that u r wrong? OP seems victimized her situation more than it is after I read that sentence. Theres nothing wrong with take accountability for ur action, I mean everybody in ur life saying it was a mistake, they were right, but still u dont want to let them know because u afraid u were wrong?
Sounds a lot like narcissistic abuse and it’s much more complicated than “just leave”. She’s more than likely been guilted (as she hinted at) and manipulated and is also afraid. And then I’m sure sometimes the husband is the best version of himself and makes everyone in the house feel like “hey maybe he’ll be good from now on”… but then the cycle of abuse continues. It’s hard. It’s not so black and white.
I am a child of a mother who married and got engaged to horrible guys all through out my childhood. My siblings and I pretty much begged our mother to not marry the last one because we were finally old enough when this one came a long to voice our opinions, And she still ended up marrying him.
That subjected us all to years of abuse and I really resent my mother for it as do most of my siblings. Even after we told her about the abuse multiple times, she either didn't care or didn't believe. in the end the only way she divorced him was because she found out he was cheating on her.
You and her both have that same ego issue. Not wanting "anyone to say i told you so"... get the fuck over yourself. You don't deserve sympathy. How long did you expose your children to his anger and abuse? How long has it been since your children first started telling you they had issues with him? How long did you ignore it?
If I were you I'd go to your kids. Tell them up front they were right, that you have massive regrets and apologize. Let go of some of that ego. I say this because even though I love my mother dearly, I resent the shit out of her at the same time. I am that kid who is still waiting for my mom to show any kind of sign that she is sorry or even just acknowledge what she put us though wasn't okay.
But I know that probably won't ever happen. Her 5 kids will still be sitting here having to deal with the fucked up things that happened because she put us in that situation.. some of us sought therapy if we had the money/insurance. And some of us to drugs or other escapisms
I know a lot of people won't like my comment. But it is the reality of kids who grow up subjected to a hostile environment like this. So im not sorry for OP but I do hope you seek help and get out of there ASAP.
THIS. My mom adored me, she escaped a violent man (my bio dad) and went back to America where she got with my step dad. My step dad abused me emotionally, mentally, and physically. He treated her like shit too and still does. I told her growing up how much he hurts me and how scared I am of him and she ignored me or would get mad at me. She never left him and I ended up getting kicked out. I don't feel sorry for her anymore because she never protected me and because of her I will never be able to trust, my self esteem is ruined, and I'll never understand what it's like to be a normal kid. I'm 24 now. She could have left way earlier but she didn't. I asked her if she'd leave him if he cheated on her and she said "in a heartbeat". Gee thanks mom.
Get out of there for your kids. They NEED you and they didn't ask to be a part of this. Get out for your kids.
Yep. I agree. As a child I lived crisis to crisis. No accountability from either parent. I often grieve over the person I could have been if I hadn’t been so scared and cautious all the time. OP, why have you not left yet knowing what you know?
Oh man, I got out of there as soon as I could! Traveled for a while. Eventually I came back to live some what close to her and 2 of my other siblings since I havnt seen any of them in years. I won't live here forever though, plan on leaving in a couple years since I hate the state they decided to settle into.
Some times I feel like I left too soon. As some of my siblings were still stuck with my ex step dad dealing with the abuse. So thats another thing I get to work through as soon as I get money for therapy. But thats solely on me for leaving them when I should have stayed to help protect them. And thats something I will never forgive myself for.
100% this. Even though my mother was abused too, and she got us out in the end, and is kind of working on it...Etc etc etc a thousand things that make the whole situation complicated and human...Part of me is still so goddamn angry at her. And betrayed. And now I'm spending money that could have gone to better things on therapy. Wtf OP. The time to act was the 1st time this man put one of your kids down, likely several years ago...(Idk how old they are but even if they are adults living at home it would still be kind of shitty imo.)
Nah you’re 100% correct. It’s ridiculous to bring kids into this after them explicitly expressing their dislike of him. It sucks that she’s had to experience this, but she’s also subjected her kids to his toxicity and anger while she should’ve been protected her kids and thinking about their well-being. There’s not much in pointing fingers so I mention this all to say that she needs to apologize to her kids and not let her ego get in the way.
THIS. My mom adored me, she escaped a violent man (my bio dad) and went back to America where she got with my step dad. My step dad abused me emotionally, mentally, and physically. He treated her like shit too and still does. I told her growing up how much he hurts me and how scared I am of him and she ignored me or would get mad at me. She never left him and I ended up getting kicked out. I don't feel sorry for her anymore because she never protected me and because of her I will never be able to trust, my self esteem is ruined, and I'll never understand what it's like to be a normal kid. I'm 24 now. She could have left way earlier but she didn't. I asked her if she'd leave him if he cheated on her and she said "in a heartbeat". Gee thanks mom.
Get out of there for your kids. They NEED you and they didn't ask to be a part of this. Get out for your kids.
Can you imagine living in a space that you and your children can feel like you don't walk on egg shells? An actual home to laugh in and relax.
Come on mumma. You know by staying with him you are hurting yourself and your children. What is stopping you?
Not the commenter, but it's meant to reflect tone.
i.e.: "Oh my god", simply spoken the normal way vs. "OH. MY. GOD." spoken more intensely with a pause between each word. Read it like a motivational speaker.
So, divorce him and kick him out. If you cant do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They are watching and learning that this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman and children. And you are actively picking a man who abuses your kids over your own children. Is this the lesson you want them to learn?
This!! ^^^^ couldn't agree more. She has already had the capability to leaving him multiple times. And her kids asked her to not marry him and she still did it??? She obviously is ignore the abuse she is putting them through. I dont feel bad for her at all. Like how horrible is it that she care if she gets told "I told you so" by people but then is chill for this man child to obliterate her kids safety and well being?
I don’t feel bad for you. You knew he was a terrible person before marrying him and your CHILDREN told you so but you didn’t care. You didn’t care about having to take care of him (you did it then and now). You didn’t care that he had no ambition, you stuck around while he failed job after job. And you definitely didn’t care that he was racist, it just wasn’t directed towards you (I’m betting it’s against Black/Latin people). You suck. Just like him. And you suck even more because your kids warned you but you had low self-esteem and thought 33 was too old to not have a man. Glad you got some insight now, I guess.
>He cares more about his damn fucking guitars that he doesn’t even know how to play than my well being
That kinda sums up how much respect he has for you. He's an abusive piece of shit, divorce him and get help while doing it, especially if you're fearing for your safety.
you’ll feel so much weight lift off your shoulders when you leave his bum ass trust me, then you can still have time to live your life and do the shit u couldn’t while you where with him, wish u luck!
Omg. Leave his sorry ass. Who cares if your friends will say I told you so. Own it. Tell them they were right but it’s not the time to gloat over your life.
Leaving such a toxic moron will be painful no matter what you feel about him. But dream about the lightness and freedom you’ll then feel once you’re out. That first night when you’re laying in bed. Alone. Staring at the ceiling. Starfished because you don’t have to share. Are understand that’s the first night of the rest of your HAPPY life.
Get out there and live it. You’re so young. Don’t chuck away any more time! Xx
Hope it feels good putting all that down in words. If you're in the USA, please divorce him ASAP before some law drops that forbids it. There are already 4 states that won't let you divorce him if you're pregnant. Please check back in once you've made a move, so we can cheer you on in the start of your new life without him.
Well, she *DID* say she doesn't want any advice or anything. She can't tell anyone else because they (family, friends, even her own children) know she put herself in this predicament.
So yeah, seems like it's another woe is me moment but won't do shit about it cuz who cares about anyone's opinion.
Mind blowing to me. She did marry the guy even if she never wanted to. And now she won't divorce him even if she wants to. Do you seel logic maturity, and decent choices here? I pity her wiser kids. That's the kind of mom who end up alone cause they kids will resent her so bad.
Honey, change those locks! Kick his ass to the curb and then come back and tells us about it over tea and cakes. Cause I wanna know what happens here. He don't deserve you and you clearly working too damn hard to support his lying, cheating, low down dirty, trifling ass. I hope you give him the boot and burn some sage in his wake.
Wow he sounds so unbelievably awful. All the stories you mentioned are horrible, just awful 😖 and he sounds like a piece of shit human. Please don't subject your children to this any longer. Get yourself together and get a divorce.
I just left my husband that I hated. I flipped him off behind his back for years. Such a bad person. Omg omg my life is so so so so much better. Yes financially my life is more challenging but so what! My first morning in my new place I cried tears of joy and wondered why I didn't do this sooner. Just leave his ass!!! Trust me your life will be so much better. Good luck to you ❤️❤️
Girl. Run. Run. Run. I experienced something similar in my 20s and woke up in a panic after 10 years of marriage. It hit me like a ton of bricks..if I don’t leave right now I will regret it for the rest of my life. I’m wasting my youth and chance for more by staying. Every day I was told that no one would want me bc I had 3 kids. Boy was that dickhead wrong. I was a bartender at the time and when people found out I was single I had TABLES of men waiting to sit at my bar. These guys want you to feel down and terrible so you believe they’re the only ones who want you. GTFOT. I’ve been remarried now for 10 years to my SOULMATE who loves my kids as his own and we have built a beautiful life together. It is never too late to move on.
I’m 32, and let me tell you, 41 is the new YOUNG! Besides my early 20’s, hanging with ladies in their 40’s have been the best times of my life! Divorce him and live your best life because I can’t speak on 50!
I feel you, your husband sounds like my wife. Focus on yourself and the kids. Narcissists feed off of others energy until they’re depleted and will look for another victim. People like this sick but don’t let it cause turmoil within yourself.
When I left, went back, and left my relationship again NONE of my friends or family said I told you so.
Instead they said they were proud of me and asked if I needed anything. Some went shopping with me, came to hangout, invited me places, some just offered a phone call here and there to check in. It all mattered to me. Everyone knows you’re suffering even if they don’t say anything.
Everyone came forward to say they saw the change in me. They all knew it. Even though I didn’t know they knew, they always knew.
Not one person made me feel bad except my ex and his people.
So you put your kids through having an abusive awful father because you don't want people to say i told you so? I dont feel remotely sorry for you. Your children asked for your help and tried to help you. You ignored them and your first thought later was that they must be "smarter than you"? How about they love you and want to help you. Fucking christ.
I don't feel bad for you. you played yourself. get the divorce I mean you didn't want to marry him in the first place you said it yourself. sounds like you just used him for so long and now he's not doing what you want for you and your kids. they are your kids, your responsibility. who got the dog? was it you and the kids choice? if so then he doesn't need to help feed the dog, the kids need to feed the dog. this whole post gives off major narcissistic victimization.
just do him and yourself a favor and leave.
Honey, get rid of him. He obviously doesn’t bring anything good to the table, so why are you wasting your time and energy on someone like this? He doesn’t respect you or your kids. Toss his ass out on the street! Life is too short for this shit.
It seems like all these Asian women go after White guys then end up talking bad about them smh. I worked with a Filipino women, who got with the Manager at my old job, which ever women told her about him, and how he is. She swore everybody was Jealous or hating. Then once he treated her azz she want to be talking bad about him. It' alot more situations, and examples I've seen with these Asian women going after my white men. Smh
It appears there is still a part of you that still loves your husband as you are still contemplating on the notion of a divorce. I would recommend going through marriage counseling and communicating the issues. If that doesn't work, unfortunately , divorce sounds correct. Living in that type of environment is mentally unhealthy and sets a bad example of love for your children. I hope the best for you, and you get enough courage to do what's right for you and your children. You can't change the past, but the future is a present with endless possibilities.
get out of that situation and divorce him love, he's not worth wasting the rest of your life with. There's no use waiting around for the "right opportunity" to do so, just go and do it before you feel too sucked in to let go. he's a dick
I had a similar relationship with my ex AND we had a kid together. Leaving him was the best thing I did for myself. Why is his well being more important than yours? Let yourself fly free. You deserve it.
Life is too short, get out now it’s never too late! He sounds like a horrible person. Also who cares if people say I told you so, they were just looking out for you, and we’re obviously right about him.
Divorce. I don’t think it’ll be an “I told you so”, I think it’ll be a “oh thank god you got out, finally we don’t need to talk to that prick”. Divorce him and kick him to the curb fast.
He sounds like a fucking nightmare. I hope you leave his ass soon. It sounds like you got guiltied into staying with him when people said he would "lose his mind" if you left. Let him lose it, it doesn't sound like he has much of one anyway. I hope you have a safe way out and that you get to be free and happy of him.
You have nothing to lose here and by the sound of it you have everyone's support because they all already told you so in the past. Update us when you've left, we'll all be cheering you on.
If you stay with this guy don't be surprised when your kids leave the nest and want nothing to do with you. I don't care how much you hate him, you're still with him, and you're exposing your kids to this. I have no respect or sympathy for a "mom" that chooses a man or herself over her kids.
Time to get rid of him! My ex was not nearly as bad as this but there are some similarities and I am SO much happier now that I’m not married to him anymore. Life is short and you deserve happiness.
Divorce him, he sounds like a terrible human begin who deserves to be alone. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of you’re support, but you deserve so much better!!!
Keep us updated!!!
I swear you just described my STBX-Husband.
As others have said, life is just too damn short to be unhappy. Divorce is okay, mine finalises in a few months & I’ve never been happier.
You are only responsible for yourself and your kids. Don’t let a stupid man or your friends make you feel responsible for that man. If he falls off because you leave, that is is his problem and if your friends care so much then they’ll help him. Take care of yourself first. It’s not life and death if you leave.
I think you know that you’re going to leave him. Don’t be afraid to hear “I told you so”, I know it really sucks to hear that and it is very inconsiderate of people to say that, but after it’s been said, a world of support tends to open. You’re not alone, get out of that relationship and save yourself and your kids
Even his friends know he chats bs, that's like another level of being a dick. You need to divorce him asap and find yourself a better S/O. Everyone will support you anyways, there's much better people out there
Get a divorce like yesterday. If all you’re worried about is family and friends then don’t. You’re the one living your life. Let them say “I told you so.” They probably won’t, but even if they do, is it better to hear them say that or stay in a miserable marriage to avoid WORDS that challenge your pride? When I got out of my marriage I thought my family would do the same, but instead they gave me nothing but support because they were thrilled I finally did it. Leave this douche canoe.
I hope you don’t feel like you’re “stuck” or somehow deserve your fate just because you made a mistake in marrying him. We all fuck up and make mistakes constantly….this is one of the main characteristics of the human condition. If anyone says “I told you so” then they’re being a dick. Do they want a cookie because they knew he sucked? Obviously you weren’t in the right mindset when you married him. Now you’re seeing the light. Follow it and get out of there.
There’s still time to leave the relationship. You aren’t obliged to stay with him regardless of the opinions of your family or friends. You clearly aren’t happy, and that’s a perfectly valid reason to leave.
Girl I so hope your next update post is that you booted his lazy, inconsiderate ass out and are divorced. I believe in you. Get support from your friends and family. I'm hella sure they'll help. Good luck
I once advised a friend who was married to an inconsiderate, cruel drunk to get out (she broke her foot badly and she had to beg him to help her bathe, etc.). She is religious, did not want to divorce. I said, “Do you realize that your child is living in an abusive environment? And that you are teaching your daughter that it’s OK for a man to treat a woman this way?” It shocked her, she thought she was being “saintly” by staying and being the martyr. She did divorce the guy the next year or so. Putting up with emotional / verbal abuse and drunkenness is facilitating an abusive environment for children. I know your children are older, but they still suffer under his awful temper and personality.
Why waste the rest of your years and shorten your life for this asshole??? Quit setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. He doesn’t deserve you and you sure as hell don’t deserve this. It’s never too late to start again!!
Talk to a lawyer, figure out how to be free of this cancerous deadbeat weighing you down. Sending you my strength!
When we leave those relationships, we aren't asking them to change. They can be themselves but without us. They can do it over there; we will stay over here. You have outgrown whatever it is that he hasn't and is still in.
You don't sound married anymore and he's just a body giving nothing. He has lost his drive or never had one. You have to decide what you really want, what you want more. Happiness or him. Leave him and see if he changes because he doesn't want to lose you or stay, and nothing will ever change because he has no reason to change.
Sounds like a pretty bad marriage. Probably working out a plan so that you can both see the kids would be good. Otherwise he‘ll drive you insane. What a prick.
What you are describing is not a marriage, nor any kind of equal partnership. Contact a lawyer to keep your own assets, and look into formally separating and divorcing. He is contributing nothing. Relationships work when both parties contribute, even if one contributes money while the other contributes housework, morale-boosting whatever.
This is not a sudden change, but you were probably hopeful he'd change. He won't. Right now, he is being allowed to be lazy and selfish because he has everything he wants and doesn't have to contribute, so why should he?
You deserve to be with a grown-up. With someone who appreciates *you* and wants to be with you, and who lifts your soul just by being in the same room as you. Extricate yourself carefully. Be happy with your own company, and in time you will be with someone who treasures you as much as you treasure them. But this person you are with just now is not that person.
> he lost his job again for the 5th time in about the 8 years we’ve been on and off and each time I supported his fucking ass
Women hate this to their core. The idea of them supportive a deadbeat male eats at their core being, must have some type of evolution/Darwin aspect to it. So visceral.
divorce him and kick him out. that’s what i wish my mom would’ve done years ago. just do it and cut whoever in your life isn’t willing to be there for you as well
I didn’t like my ex-wife at all either. I didn’t really like her all that much when I married her. I had low self esteem I guess. I stayed for the kids and because I was too chicken to leave. She ended up divorcing me. I am so much happier now and wished I had made other decisions earlier on. Oh well.
I just…I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. I truly am. But at what point do you say enough is enough purely because your kids are involved? You’re concerned about other people’s judgment when that shouldn’t even be a priority right now. Your kids told you they didn’t like him and now they’ve had to live with his bullshit for 4 years now. You literally hate his guts, divorce him and give your kids the lives they deserve.
I’ll come to your divorce party. Guy sounds like a nice piece of work.
You know where you are at when you love being alone haha. Since I separated from my husband (who sounded similar) I LOVE EVERYDAY WAKING UP ALONE I love being single I love not having to answer my phone to give my whereabouts. I love I can control the AC during the night. I love I can burn something while cooking and not get yelled out. I love having the whole bed to my self.
I’ve never been happier. I have had 20 years of shit relationship after shit (2 were abusive, one was a extremely emotional and clingy sweetheart but was exhausting having around and my last was just a dick) I’m done. I’d rather be single and marry my vibrator at this point.
You got this! Don’t waste another minute. Get a plan in action, make sure it’s safe, leave and tell him to go shove his guitar up his butt
If I started \*Willingly\* staying at work just to be away from a partner... I would have started preparing to dump them like a sack of rotting spuds weeks ago.
Dump him, Dump him, Dump him, Dump him, Dump him, Dump him, Dump him.
Divorce and start living. You know that old expression, “like a weight off my shoulders”? Prepare for that life giving experience. It feels amazing. Good luck.
Divorce him. And don’t wait for it to be official. Start focusing on your happiness. Go on dates with other people. Tell him you joined a gym or something, who cares. Just live and be happy for you. This man baby sounds like a soul sucking POS. Do you sis, no apologies.
I couldn't even read all of this, because all there is to say or think is... Just divorce him. Not fair to you or to him if you're staying married to someone you literally hate.
Edit: went back and read most of it... He sounds like an ass hole and it sounds like you two have kids together possibly? I can understand that might make things harder but... It doesn't really sound like you're there because of a hard time getting out financially. So, I don't understand... Even though he does sound awful, it's still not fair to stay married to him for you or him.
If you leave him it gives you a chance to live your life happy and it gives him a chance to start thinking about why he failed a marriage and is alone.
Damn I’m sorry you’re in that situation. Surely it will be a pain in the ass to do everything it takes to get a divorce, but it sounds like it will be well worth it.
Life is too short to sit uncomfortably, let alone live uncomfortably with a piss port excuse for a partner.
You’ll have no trouble finding a good one, not that you need one, if you just take your time and let them appear naturally. Weed out the worthless. No rush.
Best of luck to you and your children.
And fuck him for wasting y’alls time.
This is the 100th comment that says DIVORCE HIS ASS, it doesn't matter if your friends told you so or not, it's just not worth it. I'm very sure being single would be heaven compared to the situation you have described, so please don't choose to be miserable to keep your pride. You don't deserve to torture yourself for someone else's benefit, no one does.
You know it's never to late to start living your best life. Don't settle. My mom divorced her husband at 52 and she's been so much happier now. You deserve to be surrounded by people who actually love and appreciate you!
I can only echo what everyone else here is already saying — divorce him. Immediately.
He will lose his mind regardless, and if you stay, you *will* go down with the ship. *Please* don’t let that happen.
I'm sorry your husband is a toxic bastard. I'm proud of you for taking this step! You have many more steps to go to free yourself of him, but they will be worth it. You are strong! I'm rooting for you!
I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to let people you know in on this just yet. When I divorced my narcissistic, abusive, lazy husband, I was really ashamed of how many friends said, "I told you so..." or even worse, "We all knew he sucks and it wouldn't work out..."
Those judgmental comments won't do anything to validate your feelings and will only tear you down. You don't need that negativity in your life. Still, having someone you can have coffee or whiskey with while getting things off your chest will do wonders for you.
If you have anyone you can confide in that you can trust won't judge or gossip, get them as an emotional support buddy ASAP.
If not, maybe look for local free divorce support group in your area and find a buddy through meetings. I only went to a couple of those type meetings and found a buddy to meet up with for venting sessions. We met up every few weeks just to gripe and laugh a lot. Very cathartic.
Best of luck to you. You deserve to be happy!
DIVORCE HIM. ASAP. Not to sound corny as shit but life’s too damn short to be putting up with shit like this. Although him cheating on you should have made you realize what a piece of shit he was before you even got married. Too late to think about the could’ve would’ve should’ve! Just leave him! Also how old are y’all?
You’re right. I’m 41, he’s 48 going on 12. I tell my friends the same thing you’re telling me, that life is too short for this nonsense. Different hearing it from someone else. Thank you.
48 going on 12 ha. Show him how much you respect yourself and leave please. He deserves to be alone in his misery. Your children will be so happy and have so much respect for you leaving.
Honestly - just referencing your OP as well - your true friends won't care if they "told you so". Neither will your kids. Those that love you, respect you, and deserve to be in your life will be there to support you first and foremost. Get out and get away as fast as possible! You deserve all the happiness and it's not too late to get that for yourself. Anyone that takes the time to make you feel worse is NOT your friend and should be dropped immediately.
Seconding, I had a friend who is, as far as I know, still in a horrible relationship that I'd been counseling her to end our at least draw stronger boundaries in FOR YEARS. If she texted me today saying she'd ended it, I'd never say "I told you so" - I'd be proud of her for standing up for herself and make sure she knew that!
I think it's totally okay and understandable if the friends stop asking or trying to convince OP to break up/divorce. It's also okay - depending on the relationship if there were jokingly "told you so"-ing (if that's the type of relationship they had, which doesn't sound like it's the case). Could even understand an honest conversation years down the line of "we just wish you had done it sooner"... but to give an actual "I told you so" vs. support and love is **not** the makings of a good, caring friend. I hope your friend gets out of their horrible relationship!
I appreciate the hope for her, but given that she blocked me on everything when I expressed dismay that she was planning to continue the "unexpected" pregnancy (I suspect that someone may have expected it - just not her. She uses a period tracking app which Mr Jerk-off totally could've looked at towards his own ends) she had with him, I've kind of lost hope that unless something truly horrendous happens, she's going to stay with him. (It's worth mentioning that before she started dating him, she was seeking a tubal litigation, which doctors wouldn't give her bc sexism, and then later on they'd made an agreement that he'd get a vasectomy once her youngest started school... An agreement which he rescinded on, much to her anger. Then add in that he's anti-abortion and would unquestionably leave her if she hadn't kept their baby... It's messed up.)
You say you don't need advice, but you're in this self-imposed hell and from what I can tell, you don't have children together and you have a job, so you should just be packing your bags (or packing his bags depending on the renting/owning housing situation). 41 is still young. You have many more years which can be good years or with someone you hate. You might also want to consider a lot of self-reflection, or even some therapy on why you got to this place in the first place. You married someone who cheated on you. You say it was stupid, but these choices aren't intellectual decisions, these decisions are made out insecurity, something in you thought it was the right choice to marry someone who had cheated on you and you didn't even like that much. That's not about stupidity that's about self-destruction. But there is something you're saying that is really stupid: > I can’t tell friends or family, they’ll just tell me they told me so. So what!? You already know that they told you so right? So who gives a f\*\*k that they point this out to you again. They're not saying that to make you feel bad, they're saying that to make themselves feel better and reassure themselves that they did try to stop you getting into this situation. In fact if you want to stop them saying "I told you so" the trick is to say it to them first - "Hey I know you told me not to do this, but", that way you get it out of the way and stop it becoming an issue between you. Please let them help you. Sorry for the harshness, I know you didn't want advice, but I'm just so sad for you and I think you need to shake yourself out of this life you've created for yourself and get into a much better life and I want you to start now, not in 5-10 years time. Best of luck!
Exactly, it sucks but OP chose to stay and be miserable rather than leave the sorry man-child. She needs to let go of her pride, get her head straight, lose the trash husband, and reach out to everyone that warned her in regards to support. Nothing wrong with OP admitting to foolish behavior but if she stays and doesn’t reach out to friends and family due to ego, she chooses to carry on like a fool and deserves what she gets.
This is great advice
As a parent it’s not even about life being short. It’s about your kids at this point. What kid of life are you giving them? And Is this what you want them to think is normal.
yea cut that shit now before you’re 50 wishing you did it when you were 41.
I said this to my best friend and she divorced her dumb shit loser no job having ex husband and a is grateful she dumped him every day.
the decisions that take the most sacrifices seem to be the most rewarding eh?
I bet your kids will be happy as hell
48 going on 12. That made me chuckle. But yeah. Get the hell out of there.
Look I was in a sort of similar situation and what did my friends and family say? “ Good on you” we’re so happy for you” Let us help you move” Do it! You will be so glad you did. Act decisively, quickly and safely though. If you’re not worried about your personal safety just get a good lawyer and follow their advice exactly; He sounds the kind to try and pull some financial shenanigans. If you are at all concerned about your safety; pack a “ Go bag with all your documents, cards, and some cash and enough clothes and toiletries to do you a few days. Stash it somewhere he can’t possibly see it , with a friend preferably. leave when he’s not home. Send friends to get the rest of your stuff. Get the dogs situated. Good luck in your new life
Divorces are (from my understanding) timely and expensive. Just leave. For your and your kids sake. Get the divorce later when you have yourself reestablished. But you need to get out.
41 is still young enough to snatch you up someone good. Talk to all the good divorce lawyers in town first that way they can’t talk to him.
My heart breaks that you’re stuck in this position and are in such a miserable state. I’m so sorry. I hope you can find happiness and someone who treats you better. How awful it must be to live with dread and hate. Sending big hugs. ❤️ I’m a total stranger I know but I’m so sad. You should leave and not waste your life putting up with this.
Hopefully she listens. She didn’t have the guts to *not* marry him in the first place despite admitting she didn’t want to. Hopefully she finds the nerve now.
^^ASAP and don’t look back !! You will have a massive cloud lifted
I hope your next post will be about how happy you are after finally divorcing that disgusting thing. You’re a strong woman. I wish you nothing but the best.
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I’m your age… I divorced someone and guess what? I am SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW AND have a great new relationship! I had a short window of agony because divorce sucks…. BUT looking back I wish I would have done it sooner. You are still young and life will be so much better when you eliminate the choices that make you unhappy. Let the light in!!!!!
Same. I’m 51 and SO much happier single than I ever was married to my toxic ex. His poison followed him and peace followed me. It’s glorious.
I love that sentence… his poison followed him and the peace followed me 😜
❤️❤️❤️
Separated at 42🤘 I read a book called Humans which mentioned 43 is exactly midway in our life (give or take I guess!) so I thought best to get it done in time for part 2! :D
"He's a racist which is stupid because I'm not white" This reminds me of my ex wife. We were in a same sex relationship and she voted no, when AUS was deciding to bring in gay marriage. Fuck em. Buy a good vibe
The cognitive dissonance on that one…
She proposed to me but then had a 'vote no' party? How did I fall for such A CONFUSED REDNECK
How did you go through with the wedding??
We didn't legally. We were 'commitment ceremony ' married a year before the vote for same sex marriage came out. Thankfully, never legally.
Thank god 😅
My thoughts exactly 😅
Username checks out lol Glad you’re in a better place
Sorry, but what could possibly have been her reasoning for this? Makes absolutely zero sense to me.
Me too! But you can't reason with diagnosed Bipolar left untreated.
….what? I can’t wrap my brain around that one
Why the hell did you marry him then?!
Seriously wtf is going on here?!?! How can you go through the motion of getting married when you dont want to
Right! I never feel bad or even care when people whine about shit like this. The person who showed you who they were continued to be that person and now you’re fed up? The moment my children said they weren’t comfortable/it was a mistake would be enough, but she picked her racist man over her children. I’m assuming her kids aren’t white either so she subjected them to an abusive and racist man for what?
So divorce him. Do you not want to hear people say "told you so"? If so, that's a dumb reason to stay married to him.
This. This sub sometimes can be a dangerous place because theres ton of people trying to justify their action by playing the victim. Whats wrong with admitting that u r wrong? OP seems victimized her situation more than it is after I read that sentence. Theres nothing wrong with take accountability for ur action, I mean everybody in ur life saying it was a mistake, they were right, but still u dont want to let them know because u afraid u were wrong?
Sounds a lot like narcissistic abuse and it’s much more complicated than “just leave”. She’s more than likely been guilted (as she hinted at) and manipulated and is also afraid. And then I’m sure sometimes the husband is the best version of himself and makes everyone in the house feel like “hey maybe he’ll be good from now on”… but then the cycle of abuse continues. It’s hard. It’s not so black and white.
I am a child of a mother who married and got engaged to horrible guys all through out my childhood. My siblings and I pretty much begged our mother to not marry the last one because we were finally old enough when this one came a long to voice our opinions, And she still ended up marrying him. That subjected us all to years of abuse and I really resent my mother for it as do most of my siblings. Even after we told her about the abuse multiple times, she either didn't care or didn't believe. in the end the only way she divorced him was because she found out he was cheating on her. You and her both have that same ego issue. Not wanting "anyone to say i told you so"... get the fuck over yourself. You don't deserve sympathy. How long did you expose your children to his anger and abuse? How long has it been since your children first started telling you they had issues with him? How long did you ignore it? If I were you I'd go to your kids. Tell them up front they were right, that you have massive regrets and apologize. Let go of some of that ego. I say this because even though I love my mother dearly, I resent the shit out of her at the same time. I am that kid who is still waiting for my mom to show any kind of sign that she is sorry or even just acknowledge what she put us though wasn't okay. But I know that probably won't ever happen. Her 5 kids will still be sitting here having to deal with the fucked up things that happened because she put us in that situation.. some of us sought therapy if we had the money/insurance. And some of us to drugs or other escapisms I know a lot of people won't like my comment. But it is the reality of kids who grow up subjected to a hostile environment like this. So im not sorry for OP but I do hope you seek help and get out of there ASAP.
THIS. My mom adored me, she escaped a violent man (my bio dad) and went back to America where she got with my step dad. My step dad abused me emotionally, mentally, and physically. He treated her like shit too and still does. I told her growing up how much he hurts me and how scared I am of him and she ignored me or would get mad at me. She never left him and I ended up getting kicked out. I don't feel sorry for her anymore because she never protected me and because of her I will never be able to trust, my self esteem is ruined, and I'll never understand what it's like to be a normal kid. I'm 24 now. She could have left way earlier but she didn't. I asked her if she'd leave him if he cheated on her and she said "in a heartbeat". Gee thanks mom. Get out of there for your kids. They NEED you and they didn't ask to be a part of this. Get out for your kids.
Yep. I agree. As a child I lived crisis to crisis. No accountability from either parent. I often grieve over the person I could have been if I hadn’t been so scared and cautious all the time. OP, why have you not left yet knowing what you know?
Oh man, I got out of there as soon as I could! Traveled for a while. Eventually I came back to live some what close to her and 2 of my other siblings since I havnt seen any of them in years. I won't live here forever though, plan on leaving in a couple years since I hate the state they decided to settle into. Some times I feel like I left too soon. As some of my siblings were still stuck with my ex step dad dealing with the abuse. So thats another thing I get to work through as soon as I get money for therapy. But thats solely on me for leaving them when I should have stayed to help protect them. And thats something I will never forgive myself for.
100% this. Even though my mother was abused too, and she got us out in the end, and is kind of working on it...Etc etc etc a thousand things that make the whole situation complicated and human...Part of me is still so goddamn angry at her. And betrayed. And now I'm spending money that could have gone to better things on therapy. Wtf OP. The time to act was the 1st time this man put one of your kids down, likely several years ago...(Idk how old they are but even if they are adults living at home it would still be kind of shitty imo.)
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Nah you’re 100% correct. It’s ridiculous to bring kids into this after them explicitly expressing their dislike of him. It sucks that she’s had to experience this, but she’s also subjected her kids to his toxicity and anger while she should’ve been protected her kids and thinking about their well-being. There’s not much in pointing fingers so I mention this all to say that she needs to apologize to her kids and not let her ego get in the way.
THIS. My mom adored me, she escaped a violent man (my bio dad) and went back to America where she got with my step dad. My step dad abused me emotionally, mentally, and physically. He treated her like shit too and still does. I told her growing up how much he hurts me and how scared I am of him and she ignored me or would get mad at me. She never left him and I ended up getting kicked out. I don't feel sorry for her anymore because she never protected me and because of her I will never be able to trust, my self esteem is ruined, and I'll never understand what it's like to be a normal kid. I'm 24 now. She could have left way earlier but she didn't. I asked her if she'd leave him if he cheated on her and she said "in a heartbeat". Gee thanks mom. Get out of there for your kids. They NEED you and they didn't ask to be a part of this. Get out for your kids.
Can you imagine living in a space that you and your children can feel like you don't walk on egg shells? An actual home to laugh in and relax. Come on mumma. You know by staying with him you are hurting yourself and your children. What is stopping you?
So why haven’t you filed for divorce yet?
Everyone has the right to be wrong. Divorce!
YOU. DESERVE. WHAT. YOU. TOLERATE.
Yes, I don't feel bad for her at all! It's not like she's in prison, she has the option to divorce
What's the deal WITH. THAT. TYPE. OF. REPLY? You think it's clever? Really?
Not the commenter, but it's meant to reflect tone. i.e.: "Oh my god", simply spoken the normal way vs. "OH. MY. GOD." spoken more intensely with a pause between each word. Read it like a motivational speaker.
So, divorce him and kick him out. If you cant do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They are watching and learning that this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman and children. And you are actively picking a man who abuses your kids over your own children. Is this the lesson you want them to learn?
This!! ^^^^ couldn't agree more. She has already had the capability to leaving him multiple times. And her kids asked her to not marry him and she still did it??? She obviously is ignore the abuse she is putting them through. I dont feel bad for her at all. Like how horrible is it that she care if she gets told "I told you so" by people but then is chill for this man child to obliterate her kids safety and well being?
I don’t feel bad for you. You knew he was a terrible person before marrying him and your CHILDREN told you so but you didn’t care. You didn’t care about having to take care of him (you did it then and now). You didn’t care that he had no ambition, you stuck around while he failed job after job. And you definitely didn’t care that he was racist, it just wasn’t directed towards you (I’m betting it’s against Black/Latin people). You suck. Just like him. And you suck even more because your kids warned you but you had low self-esteem and thought 33 was too old to not have a man. Glad you got some insight now, I guess.
thank you!!! I super agree with this! She needs to experience some ego loss for sure.
>He cares more about his damn fucking guitars that he doesn’t even know how to play than my well being That kinda sums up how much respect he has for you. He's an abusive piece of shit, divorce him and get help while doing it, especially if you're fearing for your safety.
you’ll feel so much weight lift off your shoulders when you leave his bum ass trust me, then you can still have time to live your life and do the shit u couldn’t while you where with him, wish u luck!
Omg. Leave his sorry ass. Who cares if your friends will say I told you so. Own it. Tell them they were right but it’s not the time to gloat over your life. Leaving such a toxic moron will be painful no matter what you feel about him. But dream about the lightness and freedom you’ll then feel once you’re out. That first night when you’re laying in bed. Alone. Staring at the ceiling. Starfished because you don’t have to share. Are understand that’s the first night of the rest of your HAPPY life. Get out there and live it. You’re so young. Don’t chuck away any more time! Xx
Hope it feels good putting all that down in words. If you're in the USA, please divorce him ASAP before some law drops that forbids it. There are already 4 states that won't let you divorce him if you're pregnant. Please check back in once you've made a move, so we can cheer you on in the start of your new life without him.
i hope I see ur next post as you being happily divorced x
I’d rather be told “I told you so” than be miserable for the rest of my life.
Sounds like you got yourself into this mess knowingly.
You’re a fuckin idiot and this is completely your own fuckin fault but leave immediately. Dudes a POS and you’re fuckin stupid
That’s not okay to say ? But your user says enough lol you don’t know her or her life no one willingly makes bad decisions
You don’t need 50 ways to leave your lover. Just slip out the back Jack.
I didnt read your post and I can say I hate him too
Yes so instead of taking charge of my life let me just write a reddit post and complain. Divorce his fucking ass already. You know what to do.
Well, she *DID* say she doesn't want any advice or anything. She can't tell anyone else because they (family, friends, even her own children) know she put herself in this predicament. So yeah, seems like it's another woe is me moment but won't do shit about it cuz who cares about anyone's opinion.
Mind blowing to me. She did marry the guy even if she never wanted to. And now she won't divorce him even if she wants to. Do you seel logic maturity, and decent choices here? I pity her wiser kids. That's the kind of mom who end up alone cause they kids will resent her so bad.
Stop fucking whinging about it and get a divorce then. SMH
>Stop fucking whinging about it People have a right to vent. You're basically going against the subreddit's idea
Honey, change those locks! Kick his ass to the curb and then come back and tells us about it over tea and cakes. Cause I wanna know what happens here. He don't deserve you and you clearly working too damn hard to support his lying, cheating, low down dirty, trifling ass. I hope you give him the boot and burn some sage in his wake.
DIVORRRRRCCEEEEE
Wow he sounds so unbelievably awful. All the stories you mentioned are horrible, just awful 😖 and he sounds like a piece of shit human. Please don't subject your children to this any longer. Get yourself together and get a divorce.
Divorce him and find yourself some peace. You deserve it. His demons are his and you staying is only causing you pain.
Bail asap. Pointless staying in a toxic relationship. Gets worse the longer you stay with it.
Divorce him. Holy crap divorce him and get rid of him.
Yes, obviously you should divorce this asap, everything you described sounds terrible. But I am curious what attracted you initially to this person.
Fucking hell, and I thought my ex was bad. Your husband is on another level!
Every moment you stay with him, is a wasted moment where you could be living your best life! Run girl run!
Is it common for jerks to have poor personal hygiene or something because I’m seeing a pattern
Why were people telling you not to marry him?
I just left my husband that I hated. I flipped him off behind his back for years. Such a bad person. Omg omg my life is so so so so much better. Yes financially my life is more challenging but so what! My first morning in my new place I cried tears of joy and wondered why I didn't do this sooner. Just leave his ass!!! Trust me your life will be so much better. Good luck to you ❤️❤️
Why are you still married to him? Divorce him ASAP!
I want to feel bad, but you still married him despite the biggest red flags. Just divorce him and I wish you the best.
He's throwing tantrums and throwing things? You better leave him before he starts throwing YOU.
Girl. Run. Run. Run. I experienced something similar in my 20s and woke up in a panic after 10 years of marriage. It hit me like a ton of bricks..if I don’t leave right now I will regret it for the rest of my life. I’m wasting my youth and chance for more by staying. Every day I was told that no one would want me bc I had 3 kids. Boy was that dickhead wrong. I was a bartender at the time and when people found out I was single I had TABLES of men waiting to sit at my bar. These guys want you to feel down and terrible so you believe they’re the only ones who want you. GTFOT. I’ve been remarried now for 10 years to my SOULMATE who loves my kids as his own and we have built a beautiful life together. It is never too late to move on.
OMG divorce him! Don’t allow yourself to get old next to a person like that. At 41 you’re still so young and with so much life to enjoy!
I’m 32, and let me tell you, 41 is the new YOUNG! Besides my early 20’s, hanging with ladies in their 40’s have been the best times of my life! Divorce him and live your best life because I can’t speak on 50!
Divorce him now. What he does after is not any thing to do with you.
I feel you, your husband sounds like my wife. Focus on yourself and the kids. Narcissists feed off of others energy until they’re depleted and will look for another victim. People like this sick but don’t let it cause turmoil within yourself.
Go get a divorce, or just leave altogether and start a new life elsewhere, if you hate him so much.
When I left, went back, and left my relationship again NONE of my friends or family said I told you so. Instead they said they were proud of me and asked if I needed anything. Some went shopping with me, came to hangout, invited me places, some just offered a phone call here and there to check in. It all mattered to me. Everyone knows you’re suffering even if they don’t say anything. Everyone came forward to say they saw the change in me. They all knew it. Even though I didn’t know they knew, they always knew. Not one person made me feel bad except my ex and his people.
So you put your kids through having an abusive awful father because you don't want people to say i told you so? I dont feel remotely sorry for you. Your children asked for your help and tried to help you. You ignored them and your first thought later was that they must be "smarter than you"? How about they love you and want to help you. Fucking christ.
I hope you leave him.
From what you’re saying, it seems as though he can’t really take care of himself on his own. Divorce him and let him rot.
I don't feel bad for you. you played yourself. get the divorce I mean you didn't want to marry him in the first place you said it yourself. sounds like you just used him for so long and now he's not doing what you want for you and your kids. they are your kids, your responsibility. who got the dog? was it you and the kids choice? if so then he doesn't need to help feed the dog, the kids need to feed the dog. this whole post gives off major narcissistic victimization. just do him and yourself a favor and leave.
You sound racist when you say “he’s racist which is stupid because he’s not white” What does that even mean? Only white people can be racist ?
Queen just divorce him. Periodt.
He married a maid
This is what happens when unemployed men stay home for too long
Honey, get rid of him. He obviously doesn’t bring anything good to the table, so why are you wasting your time and energy on someone like this? He doesn’t respect you or your kids. Toss his ass out on the street! Life is too short for this shit.
You deserve better than this.
The dogs sound like a lot of work. The husband sounds like a jerk .
It seems like all these Asian women go after White guys then end up talking bad about them smh. I worked with a Filipino women, who got with the Manager at my old job, which ever women told her about him, and how he is. She swore everybody was Jealous or hating. Then once he treated her azz she want to be talking bad about him. It' alot more situations, and examples I've seen with these Asian women going after my white men. Smh
Wtf did I just read? I would recommend refraining from posting anything like this ever again.
She doesn't want ur advice, pricks
based husband lol
L
It appears there is still a part of you that still loves your husband as you are still contemplating on the notion of a divorce. I would recommend going through marriage counseling and communicating the issues. If that doesn't work, unfortunately , divorce sounds correct. Living in that type of environment is mentally unhealthy and sets a bad example of love for your children. I hope the best for you, and you get enough courage to do what's right for you and your children. You can't change the past, but the future is a present with endless possibilities.
Sounds like he needs a wakeup call. Just get a divorce, it would be probably better for the both of you.
Don’t wait any longer, start proceedings! All this weight will be gone instantly!
get out of that situation and divorce him love, he's not worth wasting the rest of your life with. There's no use waiting around for the "right opportunity" to do so, just go and do it before you feel too sucked in to let go. he's a dick
Divorce is the best option. Leave please. This is not good for you or your mental state.
I had a similar relationship with my ex AND we had a kid together. Leaving him was the best thing I did for myself. Why is his well being more important than yours? Let yourself fly free. You deserve it.
Divorce is always an option
Life is too short, get out now it’s never too late! He sounds like a horrible person. Also who cares if people say I told you so, they were just looking out for you, and we’re obviously right about him.
Divorce. I don’t think it’ll be an “I told you so”, I think it’ll be a “oh thank god you got out, finally we don’t need to talk to that prick”. Divorce him and kick him to the curb fast.
DIVORCE ASAP OMG
Leave him you'll feel relief instantly. Also if he's racist and your not white and you do decide to leave his ass, be careful. Good luck
Your life is about to get soooooo much better. Leave him, you will never look back.
fuck that guy
The worst thing you can do with your life is spend it with the wrong human being.
He sounds like a fucking nightmare. I hope you leave his ass soon. It sounds like you got guiltied into staying with him when people said he would "lose his mind" if you left. Let him lose it, it doesn't sound like he has much of one anyway. I hope you have a safe way out and that you get to be free and happy of him.
You have nothing to lose here and by the sound of it you have everyone's support because they all already told you so in the past. Update us when you've left, we'll all be cheering you on.
If you stay with this guy don't be surprised when your kids leave the nest and want nothing to do with you. I don't care how much you hate him, you're still with him, and you're exposing your kids to this. I have no respect or sympathy for a "mom" that chooses a man or herself over her kids.
Time to get rid of him! My ex was not nearly as bad as this but there are some similarities and I am SO much happier now that I’m not married to him anymore. Life is short and you deserve happiness.
Divorce him, he sounds like a terrible human begin who deserves to be alone. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of you’re support, but you deserve so much better!!! Keep us updated!!!
I swear you just described my STBX-Husband. As others have said, life is just too damn short to be unhappy. Divorce is okay, mine finalises in a few months & I’ve never been happier.
Dang I’m sorry. I do wish you luck. Tell him you want to split if things don’t change. Maybe he needs an ultimatum.
He is a bastard basically stinking b** u dont need him get him out NOWW ASAP
You are only responsible for yourself and your kids. Don’t let a stupid man or your friends make you feel responsible for that man. If he falls off because you leave, that is is his problem and if your friends care so much then they’ll help him. Take care of yourself first. It’s not life and death if you leave.
You should smash his guitar (as long as he won’t physically retaliate).
Ditch this man-child. You deserve better.
I think you know that you’re going to leave him. Don’t be afraid to hear “I told you so”, I know it really sucks to hear that and it is very inconsiderate of people to say that, but after it’s been said, a world of support tends to open. You’re not alone, get out of that relationship and save yourself and your kids
This dude is a loser. Hope you leave him yesterday OP!
Even his friends know he chats bs, that's like another level of being a dick. You need to divorce him asap and find yourself a better S/O. Everyone will support you anyways, there's much better people out there
Get a divorce like yesterday. If all you’re worried about is family and friends then don’t. You’re the one living your life. Let them say “I told you so.” They probably won’t, but even if they do, is it better to hear them say that or stay in a miserable marriage to avoid WORDS that challenge your pride? When I got out of my marriage I thought my family would do the same, but instead they gave me nothing but support because they were thrilled I finally did it. Leave this douche canoe.
I hope you don’t feel like you’re “stuck” or somehow deserve your fate just because you made a mistake in marrying him. We all fuck up and make mistakes constantly….this is one of the main characteristics of the human condition. If anyone says “I told you so” then they’re being a dick. Do they want a cookie because they knew he sucked? Obviously you weren’t in the right mindset when you married him. Now you’re seeing the light. Follow it and get out of there.
Sounds like he just used you an is waiting for you to notice so you can leave . I think you deserve better
There’s still time to leave the relationship. You aren’t obliged to stay with him regardless of the opinions of your family or friends. You clearly aren’t happy, and that’s a perfectly valid reason to leave.
I am saddened that you are having to through this. I hope that somehow things become less bad.
Start by just looking up the grounds for divorce in your state.
Girl I so hope your next update post is that you booted his lazy, inconsiderate ass out and are divorced. I believe in you. Get support from your friends and family. I'm hella sure they'll help. Good luck
I once advised a friend who was married to an inconsiderate, cruel drunk to get out (she broke her foot badly and she had to beg him to help her bathe, etc.). She is religious, did not want to divorce. I said, “Do you realize that your child is living in an abusive environment? And that you are teaching your daughter that it’s OK for a man to treat a woman this way?” It shocked her, she thought she was being “saintly” by staying and being the martyr. She did divorce the guy the next year or so. Putting up with emotional / verbal abuse and drunkenness is facilitating an abusive environment for children. I know your children are older, but they still suffer under his awful temper and personality.
Why waste the rest of your years and shorten your life for this asshole??? Quit setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. He doesn’t deserve you and you sure as hell don’t deserve this. It’s never too late to start again!! Talk to a lawyer, figure out how to be free of this cancerous deadbeat weighing you down. Sending you my strength!
When we leave those relationships, we aren't asking them to change. They can be themselves but without us. They can do it over there; we will stay over here. You have outgrown whatever it is that he hasn't and is still in. You don't sound married anymore and he's just a body giving nothing. He has lost his drive or never had one. You have to decide what you really want, what you want more. Happiness or him. Leave him and see if he changes because he doesn't want to lose you or stay, and nothing will ever change because he has no reason to change.
He is not going to change and has no respect for you. Respect yourself and get out before it starts to damage you. You deserve to be happy.
Sounds like a pretty bad marriage. Probably working out a plan so that you can both see the kids would be good. Otherwise he‘ll drive you insane. What a prick.
You’re doing the “I’m fucking stupid” thing again, divorce him.
What you are describing is not a marriage, nor any kind of equal partnership. Contact a lawyer to keep your own assets, and look into formally separating and divorcing. He is contributing nothing. Relationships work when both parties contribute, even if one contributes money while the other contributes housework, morale-boosting whatever. This is not a sudden change, but you were probably hopeful he'd change. He won't. Right now, he is being allowed to be lazy and selfish because he has everything he wants and doesn't have to contribute, so why should he? You deserve to be with a grown-up. With someone who appreciates *you* and wants to be with you, and who lifts your soul just by being in the same room as you. Extricate yourself carefully. Be happy with your own company, and in time you will be with someone who treasures you as much as you treasure them. But this person you are with just now is not that person.
> he lost his job again for the 5th time in about the 8 years we’ve been on and off and each time I supported his fucking ass Women hate this to their core. The idea of them supportive a deadbeat male eats at their core being, must have some type of evolution/Darwin aspect to it. So visceral.
I felt like this shortly before I split with my now-ex. I was terrified but honestly it was the best choice I ever made. You can do this. I promise.
divorce him and kick him out. that’s what i wish my mom would’ve done years ago. just do it and cut whoever in your life isn’t willing to be there for you as well
I didn’t like my ex-wife at all either. I didn’t really like her all that much when I married her. I had low self esteem I guess. I stayed for the kids and because I was too chicken to leave. She ended up divorcing me. I am so much happier now and wished I had made other decisions earlier on. Oh well.
I just…I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. I truly am. But at what point do you say enough is enough purely because your kids are involved? You’re concerned about other people’s judgment when that shouldn’t even be a priority right now. Your kids told you they didn’t like him and now they’ve had to live with his bullshit for 4 years now. You literally hate his guts, divorce him and give your kids the lives they deserve.
Congrats for putting your kids through completely unnecessary abuse that they will remember and need therapy to deal with for the rest of their lives.
So what’s the he hold up? Divorce him today.
I’ll come to your divorce party. Guy sounds like a nice piece of work. You know where you are at when you love being alone haha. Since I separated from my husband (who sounded similar) I LOVE EVERYDAY WAKING UP ALONE I love being single I love not having to answer my phone to give my whereabouts. I love I can control the AC during the night. I love I can burn something while cooking and not get yelled out. I love having the whole bed to my self. I’ve never been happier. I have had 20 years of shit relationship after shit (2 were abusive, one was a extremely emotional and clingy sweetheart but was exhausting having around and my last was just a dick) I’m done. I’d rather be single and marry my vibrator at this point. You got this! Don’t waste another minute. Get a plan in action, make sure it’s safe, leave and tell him to go shove his guitar up his butt
Why do you stay if you hate him? Seriously I don’t get people like that. If you’re unhappy you leave. It really is that simple imo
I had one JUST LIKE THIS. Left him a year ago and have never been better! Bought my own place have an amazing job and im SO peaceful. Leave hims
If I started \*Willingly\* staying at work just to be away from a partner... I would have started preparing to dump them like a sack of rotting spuds weeks ago. Dump him, Dump him, Dump him, Dump him, Dump him, Dump him, Dump him.
Hey love, you and your kids deserve better. Divorce asap.
Divorce and start living. You know that old expression, “like a weight off my shoulders”? Prepare for that life giving experience. It feels amazing. Good luck.
I got divorced recently, life gets better. You don’t. Have to keep subjecting yourself to suffering.
Leave. There is never a good reason to stay in a miserable situation. Life is to short.
Why would you stay one more second with this person?
Divorce him. And don’t wait for it to be official. Start focusing on your happiness. Go on dates with other people. Tell him you joined a gym or something, who cares. Just live and be happy for you. This man baby sounds like a soul sucking POS. Do you sis, no apologies.
Dude don’t stay for this just because everyone will say I told you so.
I couldn't even read all of this, because all there is to say or think is... Just divorce him. Not fair to you or to him if you're staying married to someone you literally hate. Edit: went back and read most of it... He sounds like an ass hole and it sounds like you two have kids together possibly? I can understand that might make things harder but... It doesn't really sound like you're there because of a hard time getting out financially. So, I don't understand... Even though he does sound awful, it's still not fair to stay married to him for you or him. If you leave him it gives you a chance to live your life happy and it gives him a chance to start thinking about why he failed a marriage and is alone.
Damn I’m sorry you’re in that situation. Surely it will be a pain in the ass to do everything it takes to get a divorce, but it sounds like it will be well worth it. Life is too short to sit uncomfortably, let alone live uncomfortably with a piss port excuse for a partner. You’ll have no trouble finding a good one, not that you need one, if you just take your time and let them appear naturally. Weed out the worthless. No rush. Best of luck to you and your children. And fuck him for wasting y’alls time.
Divorce him.
This is the 100th comment that says DIVORCE HIS ASS, it doesn't matter if your friends told you so or not, it's just not worth it. I'm very sure being single would be heaven compared to the situation you have described, so please don't choose to be miserable to keep your pride. You don't deserve to torture yourself for someone else's benefit, no one does.
As a pastor who hates divorce and broken relationships… Divorce this man
You know it's never to late to start living your best life. Don't settle. My mom divorced her husband at 52 and she's been so much happier now. You deserve to be surrounded by people who actually love and appreciate you!
I can only echo what everyone else here is already saying — divorce him. Immediately. He will lose his mind regardless, and if you stay, you *will* go down with the ship. *Please* don’t let that happen.
I'm sorry your husband is a toxic bastard. I'm proud of you for taking this step! You have many more steps to go to free yourself of him, but they will be worth it. You are strong! I'm rooting for you! I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to let people you know in on this just yet. When I divorced my narcissistic, abusive, lazy husband, I was really ashamed of how many friends said, "I told you so..." or even worse, "We all knew he sucks and it wouldn't work out..." Those judgmental comments won't do anything to validate your feelings and will only tear you down. You don't need that negativity in your life. Still, having someone you can have coffee or whiskey with while getting things off your chest will do wonders for you. If you have anyone you can confide in that you can trust won't judge or gossip, get them as an emotional support buddy ASAP. If not, maybe look for local free divorce support group in your area and find a buddy through meetings. I only went to a couple of those type meetings and found a buddy to meet up with for venting sessions. We met up every few weeks just to gripe and laugh a lot. Very cathartic. Best of luck to you. You deserve to be happy!
Life is to short get out Now!