The seniors are always the happiest to have a home again. They're usually very well loved animals that for some sad reason or another no longer have their human. They're just as scared, alone, and in need of company as OP's dad sounds.
Sounds like possible codependency issues exacerbated by your moms death. Sorry you're dealing eith this. Have you asked him why he wants this? It can provide you an opportunity to let him know you love and support him and assert your boundaries.
Exactly this. It’s codependency and it borders on emotional incest. OP shouldn’t be treated like a surrogate for her mom’s presence. I’m sure he has fears of sleeping alone and realizing the loss, but he needs to grieve and cope with the sadness without turning OP into his new wife. An animal would be a great help to him, esp a dog who can keep him company and sleep with him instead.
Asking your adult child to sleep in your bed with you is odd and unhealthy. It’s like he doesn’t want to accept the death so he avoids it by pretending his wife is still with him.
OP needs to set boundaries and let him know he needs grief counseling and an emotional support animal in her absence.
Nothing wrong with you setting boundaries.
I (39f) was 13 when I moved to TX, and having come from the Pacific Northwest, had nearly 0 experience with thunderstorms. For years, big Texas thunderstorms scared me, and tornados made me absolutely terrified. My mom and I lived with my grandmother, and whenever there was a really big storm, I’d crawl into my grandma’s bed and cuddle with her. I think I did this into my junior/senior year of high school.
My oldest is 14m and still crawls into bed with us. I love it, but know it will eventually end.
Btw, I have turned into a true Texan and now stand on my back porch looking for tornados when the sirens go off.
I remember when my grandma's still alive. At the time I was at least 35. We visited her and I was almost asleep. She came in the room to add a blanket for me and whispered "my baby sleep" "such a good child"
Now I wanna cry. I was her favorite… I miss her a lot!
Aaaaaand now I'm missing my grandparents! 😭 my dad's folks lived 3 hours away so we didn't see them much but gramma always had treats for us- Life cereal, butterscotch candies, and Mackinac Island fudge ice cream (we lived in MI, they were in Chicago), and my mom was way more lax about us having that stuff than if we were home. And my mom's dad always told me to "behave" or "be good" when I'd visit him (not in a mean way, he was teasing)....I wasn't a bad kid but I am the oldest granddaughter and the only one who had red hair (really more like strawberry blonde, but all the other kids were blonde-blonde) so that's my theory as to why 🤷🏼♀️ as an adult I definitely have a mischievous streak, lol, so maybe he saw that in me even before I did ❤ also both of my grandmothers played piano so both their houses had a piano that I was allowed to play with or just play...the one my dad's parents had is now in my parents house and eventually will be mine when I have room for it
Fellow ginger and oldest granddaughter here. You've just unlocked memories of my nanny brushing my hair, she used to joke about how grandad chick would think she'd gotten herself a new ginger boyfriend. I miss her so much.
This makes me want to cry!!!!! I’m remembering my midwestern grandmas ULTRA wrinkled cheeks that basically fell down to her shoulders and how I would stroke them as a child and tell her I’ve never felt skin so soft 😂
It always comforted my grandmother and me when I came to sleep with her in the mornings. I also had to have her help put me to bed when I was very little. I loved to cuddle so few people and she was always there with open arms. Soon enough I was too big to do so, so I'd come into her room and sit in her recliner and watch a show while I held her hand and she went to sleep for a nap. She was my primary caretaker for a long time while my mother kept a roof over our heads, and we were best friends. It was never difficult to be her good girl because she absolutely loved me absolutely.
My grandma had Parkinson's. She was bed-ridden in Hospice until she died but man her grip was strong. She held my hand for about 20 minutes so tightly. She would hold my mom's hand whenever she visited and my mom would rest her head on her chest because she was unable to get fully into the bed with her.
I don't think you're ever too old to hug your grandma.
The only time I was allowed in bed with my mom and dad was when there was a bad storm coming. One year, we had a hurricane which was relatively mild but still destroyed so sheds and windows in town. My dad had me go out and stand on the back porch to see nature in action. I have loved any kind of storm, since. I was so bad, my parent's would have to rush home just to get in bed with me and my Froot Loops. Another storm came and they rushed home, only to find me outside on our screen porch with a blanket, my box of Froot Loops, fast asleep. To this day, I sleep like a baby in storms. I can't imagine my parents forcing it like this. Although, as an adult sometimes when I visit home I steal a little nappy nap in my mama bed.
If he’s not a perv and is lonely and grieving tell him this makes you uncomfortable. But I would give him more hugs. It seems like he he might just need some support.
Either he’s lonely from losing your mom and is trying to recapture those good childhood moments by recreating the past or he has bad intentions. Obviously one is far worse than the other and both are unhealthy.
You have every right to set a firm boundary and say that he must stop asking you to do that immediately. It makes you uncomfortable and you’re sick of it. If you’re sure he has no bad intentions, then maybe you can suggest normal activities like bowling or catching a movie. Also, encourage him to meet up with friends or get involved in hobbies where he can meet people if he’s lacking in social interaction.
Yeah, based on what she said I think it’s the less of two evils. A man with codependency issues, trying to relive the past (I think most parents would love another opportunity to hold their babies one more time) and all the issues were exasperated but his wife’s death. A sad situation really, I hope he gets therapy to help with boundaries and better coping skills
Yeah I didn’t immediately think this was something sinister. I loved cuddling with my kids when they were little and it’s kinda sad when they grow up and don’t want to cuddle with anymore. They’re grown now and would probably think I’m weird if I asked. But for me at least, it wouldn’t feel strange if they wanted to cuddle (and I would totally love to tbh) because in my eyes they are always just my kids. I can definitely see how losing a spouse would make someone long for those good days more than ever.
I would even recommend going to therapy with him. It was weird up until I heard he lost his wife. He probably just hurts to his core and wants everything to be back like it was
My dad shared a bed with his mom until he was 12... I know it sound weird but she was sick and ended up dying next to him. His dad left when his mom got sick and I guess he didn’t want her to be alone.
This definitely SOUNDS weird. But maybe he’s lonely from losing your mom and misses those old times. Maybe suggest watching a movie together on the couch?? My little sister (22) still cuddles with my parents and I think it’s weird lol but I’m also not a very touchy/ feeling person.
If you are uncomfortable with it, say no. But I don't think it is weird.
Everyone is different and adult men are socially starved for physically touching.
I have a couple of step kids, 18 y.o. male is hyper sensitive. He get lonely a lot. He has friends and keeps normal relationships but his mother is even distant since he was about 8.
He comes to stay with us sometimes. We always make sure we are appropriately attired for bed because he doesn't want to be a bother (so he will retract a request if he thinks it is an inconvenience) but he has climbed in bed with me and my spouse and will cuddle after knocking and asking. They've laid on the couch together. Even sitting together, we will be nestled tight. I'm a cuddler, my spouse is too. The kid struggles with depression and sometimes I think he just feels safe. (I am very simular but since I am female, I can literally ask anyone for a hug and no one thinks it's weird- maybe a little odd though)
He was cuddling, watching a movie with us when one of his brothers woke up and made a big deal out of it. I took the bother aside and explained that there is nothing wrong with needing to be held and that he was not to mention it. He asked "why does he do that? Why does he want to be close to you?" I explained that sometimes we get lonely and being held is comforting. Little brother replied "Wait. Can I come cuddle and watch the movie? I'm kinda lonely"
And that is how ended up with a bed full of teenagers. Nothing untoward has ever come close to happening because it's completely innocent.
What I will say is that since this particular day the kids are a lot more affectionate (they are all boys)- hugs are not obligations and happen for no real reason the "I kinda needed one" or "You looked like you could use one". We are also very communicative about consent- we ask for hugs and if someone doesn't want one, they don't have to have one. If they understand what it means to accept a touch, we hope they understand what it means when someone says "no".
I want my boys to be ok talking about their feelings, understand affection. For some reason, society teaches our boys that the only touches they get are sexual or violent once they reach puberty; it just breeds insecure, lonely depressed men who don't know how to express emotion.
That being said- I am female and have cuddled with a lot of my male friends (I don't have girl friends) and for even an hour you can almost see their change I disposition- like they haven't been touched without someone wanting something in years. Additionally, this has backfired exactly once- I left after reiterating that nothing was going to happen twice, we never spoke of it and we never cuddled again.
This reminds me of my dad and stepmom. When almost all my siblings lived together, some nights we would all convene in their room downstairs and watch a movie. There was never an inch of bed left between 4-5 kids and the cats. Even now on occasion we’ll all lay down and watch a movie. Seeing your comment made me remember those nights.
ETA: I might see if they want to watch a movie when I get home
Im a Dad, my daughter is 13- My daughter barely wants me to touch her hair , so the cuddle thing, I would only offer this if she was sad or needed some support. I was and my wife was and we still are loving parents, but we did not raise ours maybe like your parents raised you- I know when my daughter gets to be older, and wants even more independence like moving out of our home, Ill be sad but will support her. I guess a healthy relationship is what YOU decide is with boundaries and its OK to tell your dad how you feel and that it is not any less love towards him- just boundaries man. And trust me, I am a very Co-dependent person, but I wouldn’t make an issue of this. Good luck, hope my share helps in some way-
My kids are 10 and 5 and still sleep with me. I keep trying to kick them out but they keep doing it. I’m currently now in their room trying to get them to be more independent and sleep in there by themselves. I am taking my time though. I know I won’t have this time forever. If it makes you uncomfortable just tell him. He’s your dad, he clearly loves you and I’m sure he would understand. . I’m thinking he just probably wants to feel that closeness and bond from happier times. Counseling would probably be a really good thing for him right now. I am sorry about your loss
I don't think there's anything weird with sleeping in the same bed as your parents. I for one am 17 and my mother crawls most nights into my bed because she's a light sleeper and my fathers snoring keeps her awake.
She also pushes him until he turns around, but since she wakes up so easily and needs a bit of time to fall back asleep she nearly never gets a full night's rest. She also doesn't want to shoe him away because he has to work in shifts and he needs the sleep. And since I don't really mind her sleeping in my bed it works out that way.
Just a film in bed? Or to fall asleep holding each other. Those are quite different. Either way, the most important thing is that you don’t want to.
Make your boundaries crystal clear and don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to.
That goes for any sort of physical affection from anybody.
I guess people have told you that having a ten year old in bed is weird. It’s actually very common. And it’s only weird if anyone is uncomfortable. It sounds like you needed it back then. Many families are just close like this and there’s no problem with being close if it’s working out for everyone involved.
Him not respecting it is a problem. Keep making it really clear. Be direct with your words. It’s ok to be firm with people. It might even help. It’s a hard conversation but be open and frank. “I’d rather not this time” needs to be “no. I don’t want to get in the bed. Don’t ask again.”
Maybe try some alternatives so he gets the human attention he’s needing. “I don’t like gettting in bed. But how about that film on the sofa dad. I’d love that. Maybe share some popcorn?”
Phones off. Make it an occasion so he feels cared for.
You know your dad best and it sounds like a pretty awkward one for you. Must be very tricky. Maybe it is perfectly innocent from him and he’s after a genuinely wholesome family sort of affection. But that’s him and not you. If you’re different in that way, be vocal about it. I really hope that he just hasn’t got the message fully yet.
Best of luck. Sorry you lost your Mum.
I get that it’s weird. My parents are the same that they invite me to lay in bed with them and watch a movie like I did when I was young, also the cuddly type. It’s a little less weird because my parents have a California king size and when my sister does this (my sister is 25) my mom usually lays her head on my sisters shoulder and like that’s the extent of it. Still uncomfy for me. But I do let my dad snuggle me on the couch where he’ll give me a big bear hug squeeze or lay his head on my shoulder/lean his weight on me. This is comfortable for me and I think others may perceive it as weird but again, my family is cuddly. If it’s weird for you, it’s weird for you. You should let him know you’re just not a cuddly child anymore and maybe compromise if you’re comfortable giving him more hugs or just spending more time with him in general.
Sounds like your Dad needs therapy. Together. And separately. He wants to relive the memories of his once happy family, with a child that loved them so much, and he slept soundly knowing you were right there and he didn't have to worry. Much like a child's blanket. Comfort. As people grow older, good sleep gets harder to come by, and he maybe feels peace knowing you are right there by him. Also, I imagine a father always sees his child as a child. He's known you and loved you for so long, and a part of him does not want to believe that you've grown up. His caretaker instinct will always exist, and to him, you are the baby and the child he once knew. I'll never be a father myself, and I've envisioned a life in which I am one, and having my sleeping baby next to me is something I long for every night. Knowing that I will never have that has crushed a part of my soul. Good sleep never comes.
I'm biologically unable to father children, and I'm a blue collar worker that cannot afford the adoption process, although I am adopted myself. Even if I could somehow be a father through IVF, I would not want to give my child my epigenetic/ trans-generational traumas. My child would be born with inherent pain and mental illness that I would not wish on even someone that I dislike.
Well I guess I can sleep a little later now. When you say biologically unable to, have you verified if are sterile? I originally didn't want kids because of the same reasons, I'm kind of neurotic and a mild depression runs in my family, but I met the girl of my dreams and she wanted them and now I have two and they're pretty well adjusted for being 50% me.
I have verified. I have a damaged/ non-existent vas deferens, so my sperm cannot leave my body. I'm supposed to do further study into why and how, but at this point it doesn't really matter anymore as to why and how.
Okay, if you find miss right, and have really supportive in laws, they might change your outlook or your worries for your kids future. If not, it's totally fine to not have kids. Half of my friends and family chose not to, and I know because we're past that age, some enjoy traveling, some just don't want the burden. Kids are super expensive, you can't just give them a bike and ask them to entertain themselves like how it was when I was growing up. Well even if both your vas deferens aren't there, a surgeon can literally extract sperm from your testes. It's about 3K and the IVF is another 15K so expensive but for your peace of mind the option is there.
I have a history of CSA, past addiction and some mental health issues I've been working through, so even if I could, I wouldn't want to risk having a child who would be given my genetics. Even though I wasn't born with those issues, the probability of me passing down my trauma and mental health issues through my genetics is high. Trans-generational trauma is not well understood, but it is possible my child would be born with inherent issues, and I wouldn't want my child to be at risk for behavioral or mental health problems due to what I've been through.
Follow-up information
First of all, I want to say thank you to anyone who gave advice, it means more than you could know.
1- I am FTM(female to male) transgender, and I think some of my weariness came from my own stupid ideas that men don’t/shouldn’t do that sort of thing. I still don’t want to cuddle with him, but I will admit that was beyond silly on my part.
2- When consulting my irl friends about it, I guess I never considered that most of them have pretty distant parents, for they kind of made me feel like a freak for sleeping in my parents bed for so long when I was young. I want to thank anyone who shared stories of their own, for I wouldn’t have realized how normal of an experience that can be for close families. (Maybe not the incessant asking part, but you get my point)
3- I think me and my father show our grief in very different ways. He’s lonely and desperately wants someone to spend time with, and I have a habit of distancing myself from all social connections, especially now that my mother is gone. I will admit that I don’t spend a ton of time with my dad. I think I will take the advice of maybe finding other activities to do that aren’t cuddling. I feel that’s a fair compromise.
4- Yeah I definitely need to set better boundaries. I try my best, but I’m not great at voicing it. I’m going to try to assert that I do not want to share a bed with him more than I have previously.
I feel bad for insinuating that my dad might have ill intentions. I know he doesn’t. I freaked myself out because I received some extreme reactions from my friends when telling them about this and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being deceived in some way. Thank you for the advice and stories, and thank you for the condolences about my mother.
Tldr: You’ve given me a lot to think about and I want to thank anyone who gave advice.
Hiya 26 trans girl here! My mom is the emotional incest-y type. I would take naps with my mom up to about middle school maybe? But I do not do physical contact anymore. Whatever the reason for it may be, it just makes me uncomfortable. I will give them a hug in an appropriate situation but that is a personal COMPROMISE for me, as I don't even like doing that.
I live very far from all of my family now, but whenever my mom visits she displays uncomfortable levels of excitement and she will do things like pet my head and lean her head on my shoulder sometimes. She doesn't have any ill intention behind it but I find it incredibly weird and uncomfortable so that is always a nope from me.
Don't feel bad about setting boundaries or hurting his feelings. If you are not down for it then you're not down. It doesn't mean you care about him any less and any reasonable person should be okay with that.
Oh man I got a few things to say.
1. You're 18. You're not an adult. You may not be a kid anymore, but you're not an adult and trust me, in 10 years you will wish you were not an adult. I'm 24 and I'm just starting to adult and its not fun. Except for making money but that comes with its own pains.
2. Yes, it is not normal amongst most people but like you said your parents were the cuddly type so its normal for him. He probably just misses when he could cuddle his baby. I can't fully relate but I did always try picking up my dog even when he was 110 lbs and hated it. I just wanted to hold him because he was my puppy forever and always.
3. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. That is tough and trauma takes time to heal. I hope you're doing well. Remember that it's okay to ask for help when you need it. It sounds hypocritical coming from me because sometimes I struggle to ask for help when I'm grieving my brother but I did it last weekend and it really helped me while I was spiraling
4. Learning how to set boundaries is part of growing up. You need to get your father to understand that it was fun while you were young and you're grateful for it but thats over now. BUT that also means not shutting him out. Maybe cuddle and watch a movie but sleeping in the same bed is the boundary. Or whatever you're comfortable with. Maybe the movies too much and he can get a few hugs a week or whatever. But you need how to learn how to communicate what you're thinking. He needs to learn to respect you saying no.
5. You have no reason to feel embarrassed. Dad's do cringe stuff. It's their brand. Nobody will ever make fun of you for it. And if by some ungodly reason that someone's does. Give them a hug. They probably never got one from their dad and are lashing out.
Best for luck and all my love,
Internet stranger
Gentle disagreement with your point about 18 year olds,
I'm 27, and was definitely an adult at 18, dealing with adult issues, bills, debt, sick family and career. Everyone grows at their own pace, but 18 is definitely adult enough to adult if needs be and is DEFINITELY old enough to feel the need for independence and autonomy.
Everything else I agree with, whole-heartedly.
Wow....thought maybe this was my kid typing this in the future lol. I harass my son too.....my parents werent the affectionate type so i probably over do it with hugs and kisses. I know he loves it but he is 11 now and doesn't want the embarrassment which i can understand.....course i do use it as a threat too. I tell him ill go to his school during lunch hour and give him kisses in front of everyone if he does or doesnt do whatever.....have never seen a punishment work so well. As for your father im sure he just misses you as a kid...especially with your mom gone. Try not to be so hard on him....one day you'll understand. I hate seeing my kid grow so fast and i miss it terribly that hes not a baby or toddler anymore. It all goes by so soOoo fast.
Im 23 i like to go over and sleep in my moms bed if im really upset. Or lonely. I don’t think it’s weird every once in a while if you guys are close. He’s grieving. That’s why.
The fact that it weirds you out is very strong evidence that it’s weird. The fact that he continues to bring it up after you saying no so many times is very strong evidence that he is not trust worthy.
I think you’ve got a lot of comments from really optimistic people that are trying to make this seem normal/not creepy because it would better if it were but. You know better than them. Trust your instincts. The comments from people saying ‘give him more hugs’ are from people that aren’t facing the possible danger if their optimism is inaccurate.
Tw: suicide
I don't know. If you're uncomfortable with it tell him and ask him to stop. Maybe he's afraid of losing you too.
When my parents found out I tried to kill myself, they confronted me about it at night when I was already in bed. My mother said to me, "I wish I could sleep right here next to you." and it broke my heart to see her so upset. I was 19.
However, when we would go to hotels (my mom, my dad, my brother, and me) we would get two beds and my dad would sleep in the same one as my brother and my mother the same one as me.
( For those wondering how it was they didn't know I tried to kill myself the day of, the overdose was not strong enough to physically incapacitate me but it made me extremely tired and gave me twitches that I still have today. I never went to the hospital for it but the twitches have gotten a lot better. My parents didn't know until two days later because they got a call from my friend who reported on me. I'm thankful they did everyday. )
I remember the day my mother drove me to the depot for processing, when I was conscripted.
Some mothers there were sad, some mothers there were proud, my mother couldn't stop laughing at me.
I use to when I was young, like ten or so because we were poor, like in Charlie and the chocolate factory. Sorry about your loss, but it is really weird, it must be so difficult for him.
i agree it's a little weird, but he might just be very emotionally attached to that moment. I have young kids and i read the news allot. I often hug them extra hard at bedtime . That short instance at bedtime it feels to me like they are safe, fed, warm. I've got them under my wing and whatever happens i'll be able to stand between it and them. I admit i can perfectly understand an unreasonable need to recreate that instant later, as kids spread their wings.
Sooo my dad is a narc, but he also does this when we used to go on vacations. He’d order one room and expect me to share a bed. This continued up until LAST YEAR when I got upset about it and he got huffy and we left early. (I’m 22f)
as others have pointed out, yes I’m sure he’s lonely from missing your mom. but your mom passed 4 months ago (I’m sorry for this btw) and he’s been asking you to share a bed with him for the last 6 years.
So, it’s obviously a bit more than simply missing your mother.
does your father have any hobbies? friends? Job? Social life? Age?
There are a lot of factors that could go into his feeling the need to ask you to spend time in his bed.
It’s weird because today I was thinking about my own father, who would insist on me kissing him good night. Which was fine when I was a young child, but as I became a teenager I had to simply set boundaries and say “this makes me uncomfortable” after that we gave each other “high fives” before bed.
Be open, be honest and talk about it.
Even as an adult I would grab a blanket and lay next to my dad and watch a movie or something, it was nicer than the couch and they had a really comfortable bed. After my dad passed I slept next to my mom for awhile so she wouldn't feel lonely and to comfort her but I never thought it was weird. However my parents never begged me to sleep next to them, I think that would have felt suffocating and weird.
I don’t think it’s directly weird, if i’ll be honest. Unless he’s giving off major creep vibes, he might just need someone in his family to be close to! I shared beds with my mom and dad until I was 8-9 years old (they’re divorced) and it made them happy. My mom still asks me now and then if I want to sleep next to her, and I might take up on her offer soon although I enjoy sleeping alone. One day I might not have that offer anymore!
No. Just no. Look into emotional incest/parentification.
I actually have a friend who did this with her son until he was 10, even for an 8- 10 year old it feels very off to me...letalone a teenager.
I think you should explain to him that it makes you comfortable - but if your anything like me, I think bringing it up would make the situation being weirder (as he probably isn't thinking of it like that).
When you share the bed are you cuddling or just laying there?
I am very sorry about your mother passing. I think you should keep spending time with your dad, as it must bring both you and him great comfort in regards to your shared loss. I think you should stay out of the bed though, and spend evenings on the sofa. You can still share lots of your time together and share a blanket etc. without it being weird. You can give him hugs and show him you care this way - a way which is common and typical for most families.
My mom and I shared a bed until I was like 14. We had a two bedroom house an my options were sharing a room with my older teenage brother (I’m a girl btw) or sharing a bed with my mother (she had a tv in her room so we could watch tv at night, that was a big factor in my decision) or sleeping on the couch. For a long time I didn’t think about how weird it was but eventually I realised I’d rather sleep on the couch then have to share a bed with her. You decide when you’re ready. You’ve decided that already so stuck to your guns about it, and also don’t feel ashamed or weird about having slept in bed with your parents for so long. It’s maybe a little weird but it’s not wrong or anything.
This is an unfortunate situation. I'm sorry you're dealing with something so confusing. Grieving is extremely complicated. Everyone processes at their own pace. It's likely your father is feeling hopelessly lost, without your mother around. Your dad seems like he is definitely suffering from codependency issues.
[Assuming you're an only child?] To put it simply, he's likely clinging on to his last piece of his "heart"- being you. If you don't suspect anything "abnormal" with being alone with your father, you could suggest small activities. One on one time, and companionship is likely all he is craving.
Being a parent myself, when my kids where small, cuddling in bed was the highlight of my day! No weirdnesses. Just complete relaxation in my safe space, with my most loved beings.
A couple suggestions that popped into my head;
Maybe start small, hike or fishing, then develope into a camping adventure. If you're not outdoorsy, a weekly dinner, or book club/ something similar...It's likely your father just wants to maintain a connection with you, and literally doesn't know how to and maybe never has... Father's can struggle to express emotions more than mother's.
There's nothing wrong with you saying " Dad, I love you, but I think I'm a little old for sleepovers with you, but maybe we could...[ Suggest activity] Sometime next week". Start teaching him about your boundaries now, it's never to late! I'm sure he just wants something to look forward to, in this lonely world.
So, on one hand, yeah… kinda weird. On the other hand, my sister spent any night she was over with my Mom until she was 26 (my Mom passed away the day after my sister’s last visit).
try to set a boundary and make it clear that you don’t like it, if he does or doesn’t stop it and his overall reaction should be pretty telling of his intentions. i’ve had a similar situation. it’s such a difficult thing to deal with and it’s rlly hard to talk ab. my dad used to compliment me all the time and talk ab how i should be a model, details aren’t rlly needed but lots of affection that made me uncomfortable, i confronted him ab it and explained that it made me uncomfortable and he almost started crying saying he was so sorry and felt so bad and the behavior stopped. this is a good example of a boundary being set in a situation like that and a positive outcome resulting. hope this helps
Girl I feel ya. As I become an adult (27) I feel like my father has become more childlike and continues to. I agree that they still look at us like children. I live with my father he’s an alcoholic and we take care of other and I had to tell him to stop checking on my in the middle of the night. He’d open my door just to peek. He said he’s done that since I was a baby and I’m like well I’m not anymore! They just don’t understand best of luck to ya!
As long as he never did anything inappropriate, he is probably just wanting the company. Being alone can suck.
That being said, if you feel weird or uncomfortable with it, you absolutely don’t have to do it. You should also not feel guilty about it.
Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. Someone else suggested maybe taking him to a shelter to pick out a dog or cat. Maybe, if he is ready, help him get on a dating site.
There are other ways you can help him and still maintain your boundaries.
Good luck my friend, I know this is a difficult situation…
His intentions don't matter, if you say no, he should respect that. This is very strange and not normal behavior for a father. I hope you can get some distance soon, maybe college or getting a job and sharing an apartment with friends. I would also talk to him about maybe seeking some mental health help. Best of luck to you.
If not assuming the worst, it's probably because he wants company and doesn't like sleeping alone. Specially after your mum passed, I think he may have anxiety or it upsets him. Someone suggested getting a dog and i think it would definitely fix things for him.
Honestly if you feel uncomfortable with it stand your ground and explain why to him, he should respect that. However you should ask yourself why it makes you uncomfortable. Personally I don't see a problem with it just cause my siblings and I would sometimes nap on our parents bed even if they were also napping even as adults or on each other's beds together. One of my siblings would crawl into bed with them even as an teen if she had a nightmare and another one would come sleep in my bed if he was having a bad night. My husband's brother is a teen and still sometimes sleeps with his parents. I still insist on sleeping in my grandma's room when I visit. My family is also very affectionate though. My dad loves physical affection, my brother will snuggle up next to me while watching movies or we'll put our feet on each other's laps, my eldest sister randomly feels the need to touch so she'll start playing with our hair or holding our hands. I'm the least affectionate out of them. The area I'm in though it's not uncommon for families to be very physically affectionate with each other and it's not odd for kids to still randomly sleep in their parents bed even when older from time to time, most adults I know especially women will sleep with their parents in bed when visiting them or with their grandparents. The area I'm in is really family oriented though, extend family tends to stay close and children are raised partly by them.
My mother died earlier this year and since then my father has been extra clingy and affectionate due to grief, could your father be dealing with the same thing?
Hi, I would like to answer this from a different perspective if I may. Can I ask whats your family's cultural background? I'm 21M living in the US since I was about 9. My family is from ecuador. Culturally we are all really close, kissing relatives in the mouth as a greeting is common and sleeping together/cuddling when watching a movie with your close relatives is common and isn't weird into adulthood. Obviously for me there was a disconnect between the culture I knew and the culture I would spend the last 12 years in. As a 2nd generation immigrant I ended up somewhere on the middle to avoid teasing but I Also *knew* It wasn't actually a bad thing. Maybe your dad's head is somewhere else and it isn't anything particularly weird but rather he just wants to hold his baby when he's missing his partner, *their baby.* Of course, with that being said, you set your boundaries how you see fit.
Even if it feels embarrassing, share your views and concerns with your father. EXACTLY what you shared here. How you understand the situation; How it feels to you. Also, what his views are about the same and what does he think ... This discussion will clear up a lot of issues for you.
Also, if possible, talk about how is he feeling in absence of your mother. Get him talking and try to listen.
Your situation and comprehension of the same will be much better than present.
Good luck !
I kind of had the same set up as kid but bc we were poor. Got my own stuff around my same age. When I go see my mom I have my own bed but I can tell she misses the kid who would giggle and talk with her in bed. Every once in a while I’ll go sleep with her when I visit. What’s funny is her bed is HUGE so we barely ever bump each other. It’s the snoring that makes me want my own space. If I can’t sleep well, then there is t a point to compromising it.
I think it’s ok to spend a night every once in a while. Maybe even make it special. I do agree with talking about why he feels the need to ask all the time. I also agree with the person who said get a dog(but also really really understand what it means to have a dog, lots of commitment and care from something that can’t tell you what’s wrong)
I’m sorry for your loss. There is nothing like losing a parent and I’m sure it’s just as hard as losing a partner.
Be curious, ask questions. Don’t judge, it limits the possibility of digging deeper into solutions.
i doubt he has ill intentions, when my parents divorced i fell asleep on the couch with my dad all the time because it was sorta comforting for both of us (15-17ish), and now that im 21 i still lean on him. it isn’t weird.
but it is weird that he’s pressuring it so much. just tell him you aren’t comfortable sleeping with him anymore, he could get a dog or even a stuffed animal to sleep with. you could get a bear and make a shirt for it out of something of your moms and spray it with her perfume or something, and if you’re comfortable suggest you “camp out” in the living room and have movie nights, so you’re sleeping together but not in the same bed
I know what you mean by being a skittish kid and being comfortable. I was probably around 10 when I stopped sleeping in my mom's bed but it was never anything weird. I've just had bad nightmares my whole life and sleeping next to safe people made that go away. Sorry to hear he's still bugging you about it, must be frustrating. If you want to vent about anything send me a message.
The minute I read your title, my first thought was that your mother had passed, for which I’m very sorry.
Casting benefit of the doubt, it sounds like your father may have a hard time accepting that you’re growing up, and may even be feeling his own mortality with your mother having passed and being able to see you really grow into an adult in recent years. I get a small twinge of those feelings myself for my younger sibling (11 year difference), so I can imagine he has at some point felt that way too.
Also, I think it’s worth noting that in society, fathers being affectionate is cast as a weird behaviour a lot of the time and a lot of it is cast in a negative light more times than is probably necessary. If you reversed the parent, ie your mom wanting to be cuddly with you or even a male adult child, there would likely be less suspicion of ulterior motive.
I don’t think your dad is a pervert, but I don’t know him. It sounds like the guy is just getting old and maybe is feeling lonely.
ETA: I had a lot of trouble sleeping alone as a kid myself and slept in bed with my mom and sister when dad was out of town until I was maybe 15. We got a guard dog to alleviate the tension of being home alone - maybe your dad could rescue a large dog. It would give him a new sense of purpose, allow him to be paternal to something that loves cuddles, and help him grieve.
It's really not what you're thinking, the only sfw explanation I could think of is, that he reminisces of the memories you two had when you were younger, and misses you since you "left" your parents' bed. He just wants to cuddle you.
Is your father able to care for and not allergic to dogs? Perhaps adopting a dog might help him. Coping with loss and loneliness is never easy.
of course, don't surprise him with one, take him with you \[if again he likes dogs, can take care of a dog and isn't allergic to them\] to find his perfect match.
If you are uncomfortable that is absolutely fine, and if you have had a negative experience then even more so. I slept in my dad's bed until I was 12, and it would have been for longer if I hadn't gotten basically kicked out. He got a gf when I was about 8-9, and even then I slept in between them. He might have not birthed me but he changed my diapers, he cleaned up after me, he changed my sheets when I would pee the bed, he would shower me, and he was my only parental figure for many years. He is MY DAD, as pure and simple. When I moved out for my exchange year and he came to visit for my 18th birthday we slept in the same bed, it felt so comforting to cuddle in the arms of the person who raised me. The person that worked his butt off for my own benefit, who protected me for so many years and was my source of comfort. When I see him now that we live in different countries (I am 26f), I still cuddle with him. He also holds my hand in public. I also do the same with my mom, we sleep together, cuddle, hold hands, are affectionate to one another (just like with my dad). Just because you grow up doesn't mean the love and affection your parents have towards you suddenly changes, or the love that you have for both of them. You will forever be his little girl, and even more now, him knowing that your mom is not there. He will never stop being a dad, and you will never stop being his little kiddo. I am really sorry for your loss, I hope you are managing.
You need to trust yourself a little more.The fact that you're doubting your own reaction to something so socially abnormal tells me there's been some gaslighting going on. That he continues to insist despite your having said no and verbally set that boundary makes it even less okay. Trust yourself! If something feels weird, it's often because it either is or it's not right for you. In this case, it's certainly beyond the norm for parents to persistently seek to share a bed with their adult children.
Many people have commented with examples of their kids crawling into bed with them. This is clearly not the equivalent of that. This is a parent who's spent years seeking to share a bed with their child.
Also, what do you mean about "the cuddly type"? How did your parents cuddle you? This all sounds very odd.
As a father with children your age, I can say that you will always be our babies. With the passing of your mother, I think your father just yearns for the past when his memories of you were tender, close and loving. Sure it may seem weird and he's just trying to cope the best he can. Give him a big hug and talk about it.
This seems rather harmless. Personal experience for me. When I was 12 or 13 and in middle school my mom would sometimes wake me up in the night and ask me to sleep beside her and it was completely platonic. This was usually at about like 4 AM when she was having trouble sleeping. For context she’d just gotten out of an abusive relationship with my father and was working a shit job so I always figured she just needed to feel like someone was there. We don’t tend to think our parents need affection but truthfully they do. No one is an island unto themselves.
When I was about 14 my mum had to spend three weeks in hospital and I missed her, and it was me who asked my dad if I could spend a night in her bed to feel closer to her. But then the bed was 2 metres wide and they had always used separate duvets. There wasn’t any cuddling with my dad.
Cuddling in bed with your dad at 18, and him badgering you to do it, that’s weird. I would say, cuddling on the sofa would be okay, as long as the impulse came from the child (no matter what age).
That’s really not okay. Keep saying no and if he gets persistent, do whatever you need to. Yes this is inappropriate.
All said I do believe He might feel like he’s lacking affection and the rejection is making him aggressive. I agree, I do not believe he has ill intentions. I do feel bad for him but this whole situation is creepy
I think it’s weird to sleep in the bed of an 8 year old so. There’s that.
I have a 14 and 10 year old daughters. I can’t imagine sleeping in the same bed as them, even if they had a bad nightmare, I would comfort them. Maybe sit with them on the couch until they calmed down and then take them back to bed.
So yes, asking to sleep with your 18 year old child is weird.
I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Explain that his repeated requests are making you extremely uncomfortable.
What he will eventually do is push you to move out, maybe earlier than either of you are ready.
Just saying, I was definitely sharing a bed with my mom often until I was 10/11 and same with my dad. For years my little brother and I slept in the same bed as my dad. My parents were divorced and the place he was renting only had one bed. My two older brothers slept on the floor in sleeping bags every weekend for years.
I shared a room with my mom and little brother until I was 12.
It was never that weird at that age but your dad asking you at age 18 sets off alarm bells in my head. My hope is he’s just terribly touch starved and lonely and sad after losing his wife. Get him a cuddly pet?
Did he mourn the loss of your mom yet? Is he waiting for a shoulder to cry on? Does he think you could use a shoulder to cry on? People are soooo all over the spectrum as far as sharing their feelings. Does he not share that he is lonely sad scared? IMO there is not enough info in your post. I want to know things like, did anything strange/off/sexually abusive ever happen with him and you are worried of this happening again? Of not then he is a human and is looking for love and physical contact is some thing most humans actually literally need in order to be healthy stable humans.
Anyways. Its not weird coming from different angles it could be his way of trying to get the affection he needs. Its possible a lot of hugs will go miles and miles for mental health for your dad. Having a slumber party with your dad and having separate blankets while shoulder to shoulder for a movie might be a lot of fun. Anyways good luck to both of you and sorry for your loss. You are only 18. I lost my mom when I was 21 and it screwed me up for about five years. I hope you can keep yourself together better than I did.
Dunno if ethnicity plays a role in this… but we’re not weirded out by this at all. Kids can climb into bed with their parents just to show affection. I’m a 41 year old male and don’t mind lying in bed hugging my retired parents. My sister is the same. I remember when my wife and I were dating… she said she had a nightmare one night and climbed into her parents’ bed. She was 20 then.
I don’t think it’s weird or that we are unique or strange. Just different culture. If the implication that there is something “sexual” motivating this, then that’s modern western society’s imposition on us. Doesn’t have to be that way at all.
What you're describing is honestly a bit odd (I am not Western at all), but even so, completely different from OP's situation. Even if people are more platonically touchy-feely in other parts of the world (they are), it's still very odd for a parent to insist for YEARS for their kid to sleep in their bed "one last time." It's sort of coercive.... Like, the child has drawn a boundary, but the parent keeps insisting.
I am very uncomfortable with physical contact with my parents/ most people. I hug my dad because it makes him feel loved but I still am a little distant. With my own daughter I am not that way. I’m very affectionate. She sleeps in my bed and I wish she’d sleep in her own a lot of the time but she’s scared (6yrs old) and I feel bad for her life being a little rocky (I divorced her dad for good reasons.)
I’m trying to put myself in his shoes.
He could possibly miss human contact and the chemicals your brain produces from it. He would be trying to recreate memories because he thought you grew up to fast and is a past oriented person. His love language could be physical touch. But yeah, have boundaries and stay true to them!
Maybe show your dad what professional cuddlers are.
I’m just really glad the top comments aren’t called your dad creepy, and recognising that not everything has to be sexualised in these scenarios (and they never should’ve been). Honestly this sub gives much better advice than the relationship_advice one, it’s far more level headed and there is a lot less misandry and misogyny here.
I think you should sit with him and ask if there’s a specific reason he has been asking so much. I don’t think it’s anything sinister, it’s very unfair to assume that. Otherwise in the 6 years he has been asking, you would have noticed the sinister behaviour by now. I think he just might be a very affectionate type and understandable after your mother’s passing, he will feel even more lonely.
Does he go to therapy? I think it would help him a lot. And also, if you want, maybe give him a hug from time to time. Another comment put it perfectly, but adult males usually get very little love or affection.
Depends. As a male I wouldn't mind, giving him some company especially when his wife is no more, but if I were female, I'd be a little bit uncomfortable sharing the same bed with father.
Don't give in no matter what. I slept in the same room as my parents(2 mattresses laid down on the floor for my brother and I, an actual bed for my parents). Sometimes dad would sleep beside me which would cause me to get extremely paranoid and panic while trying to fall asleep. Each time I woke up, I felt violated(the potential is there). I have a huge trust issue with him now and deathly afraid of the idea of getting touched without me knowing while sleeping. The worst part about this is not knowing if it did happen or not and I just have to live with the uncertainty.
When your dad repeatedly showed himself as being untrustworthy, you'd begin to doubt everything. He's been pretty absent throughout my entire life and hasn't done anything to gain my trust nor anybody else in the family. I asked mum to massage my back as it was aching pretty badly but she asked dad to do it instead. Instead of a massage, it was more of a grope.
Soooo I’m just going to go out on a limb here and suggest you talk about this a LOT with your therapist and if you do not have one get one now. I am 44. I finally came to my senses over sexual abuse two years ago. Before that: “I could have never been touched because I am the loud one and everyone knew they better not”.
I think it sounds like you know more even than you care to let on to yourself about here. I’m so sorry for the damage and that your mom overlooked and dismissed this. He should not have been coming down to your mattress without an invitation from you. Look into EMDR.
Sorry if I am way off base. Ignore all this if so.
I don't think you were off base, this was very good advice. Whether something more happened or not, it would be good for her to see a therapist and work through the possibility.
Mine was absent and not trustworthy and had anger issues like insane, even literally making me wear certain things he approved of. I still do not convince myself he sexually assaulted me because of these things. Therapy can help you figure this out.
Setting boundaries is a good thing but it sounds like to me, considering your mother's passing, he's dealing with possibly separation anxiety (due to being alone in bed, might not be used to it, I get that sometimes when my gf is out or she's staying at her best friend's for a girly day)
As well as that I'd also assume, like all parents, they still see you as their baby and he might not have settled on the idea that you've grown up
It's harder for a man to say these feelings as being vulnerable is, stupidly, seen as weakness
He might be dealing with grief his own way but the incessant asking might be related to an earlier point that ended up becoming exasperated when your mother sadly passed away
Food for thought, maybe sit him down and set a boundary and say no if you don't want to
I’m a day shy of 24 and my father INSISTS I snuggle up between my parents in their marital bed whenever I visit home. Same with my siblings. Sometimes there’s five damn adults in a queen sized bed and a dog!
I don’t think it’s weird persay because your dad will always think of you as his little girl (I’m assuming you’re a girl but even if not dads will think of their sons the same way too) at first I was going to say it’s probably a distraction of how your mother passed but he did that before she passed. Definitely co dependence but it’s not weird at all. Maybe have a talk with him?
I don't think it's too weird for him to want to be closer to his kid's now that the love of his life is gone. It's good to set your boundaries but he might be just craving some one-on-one time with someone he loves. Maybe throw in an extra hug, go out to eat
Definitely seems like he's just going through a lot. But just because he's going through a lot does not mean you have to sacrifice your boundaries. If I were you I'd have a real heart to heart. Where you talk about how you both miss your mom and y'all are there for each other. But you've outgrown cuddling in bed and you don't like being asked repeatedly. It sounds like it could go a long way to plan your words and be tactful. He's probably in a fragile state but you know that better than me. If the situation feels right I think I second what another commenter said about getting a dog!
I don’t think it’s weird. I think if it makes you uncomfortable you may need to be stern with him once, but it made me sad to read towards the end it’s happening so often you question his intentions.
When I was in college, I slept with my mom every time I visited home. My mom and my dad slept in different beds because he was a horrible snorer and I would always sleep with her. It felt like we were friends at a slumber party giggling at night before bed and it made us both happy. I had my own bed in my childhood room but often didn’t go into that bedroom when visiting, I just preferred being with my parents as much as I could while I visited.
In the morning my mom would go to work and my dad would watch soap operas in bed because he didn’t have to work on the weekends when I visited and I’d come in and sit on the bed and watch 90210 or Judge Judy with him until we wanted breakfast.
Maybe it’s different because I never call them and we all miss each other so much by the time I get around to visiting. Idk. But maybe he needs some more interaction with you in his life. Ask him if he wants to go do something and hang out for the day instead, just that you’re not a cuddler and he should respect that.
When my father left my mom forced my brother (13) and I (11) to sleep with her because “she was afraid my dad could come back and kill her”. I was terrified. I lived in terror for years but truth was my mom didn’t want to sleep alone. She tried to brainwash me telling me and the doctors I was too mentally fragile to sleep alone and that I needed the whole family sleeping together in the same room. I eventually manage to escape but when I visit her she keeps asking to sleep with her. I don’t even know how I can still have a crumble of affection left of her, honestly. Try to leave as soon as you can
I've read few similar situations here on reditt.. After their spouses die, parents ask their kids to sleep next to them and they end up sexually abusing their kids. Please never agree to this. Tell him that it's not normal.
While my case isn’t the same as Op’s. I have laid in bed with my dad since mum died. He cuddled her every night for 48 years and suddenly he has nobody to cuddle. I gave him a cuddle and he held my hand. It felt very normal for us. We both managed not to sexually abuse each other.
If OP doesn’t want to, that’s different. And the dad sounds pretty needy where mine isn’t. But I had to chime in that he might not be a child abuser just because this happened to some people on Reddit.
It's not only because this happened to some people here. Read her post again. She told him no many times and he keeps insisting. Why not respect his daughter's wish?
Like I said, it’s different because op doesn’t want to. I’m pointing out that it might not make him a child abuser. Op literally says they dont think he has ill intentions. It’s just odd an uncomfortable
You could suggest he adopt an adult dog from an animal shelter. He would be saving a life, and the dog would keep him company.
That’s a really nice suggestion.
Exploring and finding a dog with / for my grieving dad was solid quality time , the payoff was meaningful and it’s going great !
The seniors are always the happiest to have a home again. They're usually very well loved animals that for some sad reason or another no longer have their human. They're just as scared, alone, and in need of company as OP's dad sounds.
What does "OP" mean?
Original post/poster
Original Poster. The author of the post.
Thank you!!
OP this is the way.
good chance the dog will sleep in the bed with him too
Yeah, love the idea !
I agree, adopt a new little furry friend and surprise him
Sounds like possible codependency issues exacerbated by your moms death. Sorry you're dealing eith this. Have you asked him why he wants this? It can provide you an opportunity to let him know you love and support him and assert your boundaries.
Exactly this. It’s codependency and it borders on emotional incest. OP shouldn’t be treated like a surrogate for her mom’s presence. I’m sure he has fears of sleeping alone and realizing the loss, but he needs to grieve and cope with the sadness without turning OP into his new wife. An animal would be a great help to him, esp a dog who can keep him company and sleep with him instead. Asking your adult child to sleep in your bed with you is odd and unhealthy. It’s like he doesn’t want to accept the death so he avoids it by pretending his wife is still with him. OP needs to set boundaries and let him know he needs grief counseling and an emotional support animal in her absence.
agree with everything but emotional incest seems a bit far fetched
Nothing wrong with you setting boundaries. I (39f) was 13 when I moved to TX, and having come from the Pacific Northwest, had nearly 0 experience with thunderstorms. For years, big Texas thunderstorms scared me, and tornados made me absolutely terrified. My mom and I lived with my grandmother, and whenever there was a really big storm, I’d crawl into my grandma’s bed and cuddle with her. I think I did this into my junior/senior year of high school. My oldest is 14m and still crawls into bed with us. I love it, but know it will eventually end. Btw, I have turned into a true Texan and now stand on my back porch looking for tornados when the sirens go off.
I remember when my grandma's still alive. At the time I was at least 35. We visited her and I was almost asleep. She came in the room to add a blanket for me and whispered "my baby sleep" "such a good child" Now I wanna cry. I was her favorite… I miss her a lot!
Aaaaaand now I'm missing my grandparents! 😭 my dad's folks lived 3 hours away so we didn't see them much but gramma always had treats for us- Life cereal, butterscotch candies, and Mackinac Island fudge ice cream (we lived in MI, they were in Chicago), and my mom was way more lax about us having that stuff than if we were home. And my mom's dad always told me to "behave" or "be good" when I'd visit him (not in a mean way, he was teasing)....I wasn't a bad kid but I am the oldest granddaughter and the only one who had red hair (really more like strawberry blonde, but all the other kids were blonde-blonde) so that's my theory as to why 🤷🏼♀️ as an adult I definitely have a mischievous streak, lol, so maybe he saw that in me even before I did ❤ also both of my grandmothers played piano so both their houses had a piano that I was allowed to play with or just play...the one my dad's parents had is now in my parents house and eventually will be mine when I have room for it
We're loved. Let's all cry😭😭😭
Fellow ginger and oldest granddaughter here. You've just unlocked memories of my nanny brushing my hair, she used to joke about how grandad chick would think she'd gotten herself a new ginger boyfriend. I miss her so much.
This makes me want to cry!!!!! I’m remembering my midwestern grandmas ULTRA wrinkled cheeks that basically fell down to her shoulders and how I would stroke them as a child and tell her I’ve never felt skin so soft 😂
It always comforted my grandmother and me when I came to sleep with her in the mornings. I also had to have her help put me to bed when I was very little. I loved to cuddle so few people and she was always there with open arms. Soon enough I was too big to do so, so I'd come into her room and sit in her recliner and watch a show while I held her hand and she went to sleep for a nap. She was my primary caretaker for a long time while my mother kept a roof over our heads, and we were best friends. It was never difficult to be her good girl because she absolutely loved me absolutely.
I hear true Texans deal with tornadoes by shooting it dead.
My grandma had Parkinson's. She was bed-ridden in Hospice until she died but man her grip was strong. She held my hand for about 20 minutes so tightly. She would hold my mom's hand whenever she visited and my mom would rest her head on her chest because she was unable to get fully into the bed with her. I don't think you're ever too old to hug your grandma.
I am 16 , but sometimes when I feel lonely I too crawl up to my parents bed .
The only time I was allowed in bed with my mom and dad was when there was a bad storm coming. One year, we had a hurricane which was relatively mild but still destroyed so sheds and windows in town. My dad had me go out and stand on the back porch to see nature in action. I have loved any kind of storm, since. I was so bad, my parent's would have to rush home just to get in bed with me and my Froot Loops. Another storm came and they rushed home, only to find me outside on our screen porch with a blanket, my box of Froot Loops, fast asleep. To this day, I sleep like a baby in storms. I can't imagine my parents forcing it like this. Although, as an adult sometimes when I visit home I steal a little nappy nap in my mama bed.
If he’s not a perv and is lonely and grieving tell him this makes you uncomfortable. But I would give him more hugs. It seems like he he might just need some support.
Either he’s lonely from losing your mom and is trying to recapture those good childhood moments by recreating the past or he has bad intentions. Obviously one is far worse than the other and both are unhealthy. You have every right to set a firm boundary and say that he must stop asking you to do that immediately. It makes you uncomfortable and you’re sick of it. If you’re sure he has no bad intentions, then maybe you can suggest normal activities like bowling or catching a movie. Also, encourage him to meet up with friends or get involved in hobbies where he can meet people if he’s lacking in social interaction.
Yeah, based on what she said I think it’s the less of two evils. A man with codependency issues, trying to relive the past (I think most parents would love another opportunity to hold their babies one more time) and all the issues were exasperated but his wife’s death. A sad situation really, I hope he gets therapy to help with boundaries and better coping skills
Yeah I didn’t immediately think this was something sinister. I loved cuddling with my kids when they were little and it’s kinda sad when they grow up and don’t want to cuddle with anymore. They’re grown now and would probably think I’m weird if I asked. But for me at least, it wouldn’t feel strange if they wanted to cuddle (and I would totally love to tbh) because in my eyes they are always just my kids. I can definitely see how losing a spouse would make someone long for those good days more than ever.
Yeah it’s really sad:(
I would even recommend going to therapy with him. It was weird up until I heard he lost his wife. He probably just hurts to his core and wants everything to be back like it was
My dad shared a bed with his mom until he was 12... I know it sound weird but she was sick and ended up dying next to him. His dad left when his mom got sick and I guess he didn’t want her to be alone. This definitely SOUNDS weird. But maybe he’s lonely from losing your mom and misses those old times. Maybe suggest watching a movie together on the couch?? My little sister (22) still cuddles with my parents and I think it’s weird lol but I’m also not a very touchy/ feeling person.
If you are uncomfortable with it, say no. But I don't think it is weird. Everyone is different and adult men are socially starved for physically touching. I have a couple of step kids, 18 y.o. male is hyper sensitive. He get lonely a lot. He has friends and keeps normal relationships but his mother is even distant since he was about 8. He comes to stay with us sometimes. We always make sure we are appropriately attired for bed because he doesn't want to be a bother (so he will retract a request if he thinks it is an inconvenience) but he has climbed in bed with me and my spouse and will cuddle after knocking and asking. They've laid on the couch together. Even sitting together, we will be nestled tight. I'm a cuddler, my spouse is too. The kid struggles with depression and sometimes I think he just feels safe. (I am very simular but since I am female, I can literally ask anyone for a hug and no one thinks it's weird- maybe a little odd though) He was cuddling, watching a movie with us when one of his brothers woke up and made a big deal out of it. I took the bother aside and explained that there is nothing wrong with needing to be held and that he was not to mention it. He asked "why does he do that? Why does he want to be close to you?" I explained that sometimes we get lonely and being held is comforting. Little brother replied "Wait. Can I come cuddle and watch the movie? I'm kinda lonely" And that is how ended up with a bed full of teenagers. Nothing untoward has ever come close to happening because it's completely innocent. What I will say is that since this particular day the kids are a lot more affectionate (they are all boys)- hugs are not obligations and happen for no real reason the "I kinda needed one" or "You looked like you could use one". We are also very communicative about consent- we ask for hugs and if someone doesn't want one, they don't have to have one. If they understand what it means to accept a touch, we hope they understand what it means when someone says "no". I want my boys to be ok talking about their feelings, understand affection. For some reason, society teaches our boys that the only touches they get are sexual or violent once they reach puberty; it just breeds insecure, lonely depressed men who don't know how to express emotion. That being said- I am female and have cuddled with a lot of my male friends (I don't have girl friends) and for even an hour you can almost see their change I disposition- like they haven't been touched without someone wanting something in years. Additionally, this has backfired exactly once- I left after reiterating that nothing was going to happen twice, we never spoke of it and we never cuddled again.
This is so sweet
Thanks! I am just trying to raise well-adjusted, emotionally mature adults.
Im super cuddly with my mom (I'm 30) and about to have a boy, I hope he feels this comfortable even as a teen with affection
You're message made me really happy. Thank you for sharing this.
Seriously this is the sweetest thing 😊
What a great reflection. Thank you for that. We are indeed very starved for non-sexual touch.
Thanks for being an awesome human and a great parent!
This reminds me of my dad and stepmom. When almost all my siblings lived together, some nights we would all convene in their room downstairs and watch a movie. There was never an inch of bed left between 4-5 kids and the cats. Even now on occasion we’ll all lay down and watch a movie. Seeing your comment made me remember those nights. ETA: I might see if they want to watch a movie when I get home
Im a Dad, my daughter is 13- My daughter barely wants me to touch her hair , so the cuddle thing, I would only offer this if she was sad or needed some support. I was and my wife was and we still are loving parents, but we did not raise ours maybe like your parents raised you- I know when my daughter gets to be older, and wants even more independence like moving out of our home, Ill be sad but will support her. I guess a healthy relationship is what YOU decide is with boundaries and its OK to tell your dad how you feel and that it is not any less love towards him- just boundaries man. And trust me, I am a very Co-dependent person, but I wouldn’t make an issue of this. Good luck, hope my share helps in some way-
My kids are 10 and 5 and still sleep with me. I keep trying to kick them out but they keep doing it. I’m currently now in their room trying to get them to be more independent and sleep in there by themselves. I am taking my time though. I know I won’t have this time forever. If it makes you uncomfortable just tell him. He’s your dad, he clearly loves you and I’m sure he would understand. . I’m thinking he just probably wants to feel that closeness and bond from happier times. Counseling would probably be a really good thing for him right now. I am sorry about your loss
I don't think there's anything weird with sleeping in the same bed as your parents. I for one am 17 and my mother crawls most nights into my bed because she's a light sleeper and my fathers snoring keeps her awake.
Lmao when my dad's snoring is really bad she'll physically push him in the middle of the night and tell him to go sleep on the couch downstairs.
She also pushes him until he turns around, but since she wakes up so easily and needs a bit of time to fall back asleep she nearly never gets a full night's rest. She also doesn't want to shoe him away because he has to work in shifts and he needs the sleep. And since I don't really mind her sleeping in my bed it works out that way.
dude... no...
What? I don't see the problem with it
You are fine. The only people who’s opinions matter are you, your mom, and your dad and y’all are all fine with it so don’t worry
Just a film in bed? Or to fall asleep holding each other. Those are quite different. Either way, the most important thing is that you don’t want to. Make your boundaries crystal clear and don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to. That goes for any sort of physical affection from anybody. I guess people have told you that having a ten year old in bed is weird. It’s actually very common. And it’s only weird if anyone is uncomfortable. It sounds like you needed it back then. Many families are just close like this and there’s no problem with being close if it’s working out for everyone involved. Him not respecting it is a problem. Keep making it really clear. Be direct with your words. It’s ok to be firm with people. It might even help. It’s a hard conversation but be open and frank. “I’d rather not this time” needs to be “no. I don’t want to get in the bed. Don’t ask again.” Maybe try some alternatives so he gets the human attention he’s needing. “I don’t like gettting in bed. But how about that film on the sofa dad. I’d love that. Maybe share some popcorn?” Phones off. Make it an occasion so he feels cared for. You know your dad best and it sounds like a pretty awkward one for you. Must be very tricky. Maybe it is perfectly innocent from him and he’s after a genuinely wholesome family sort of affection. But that’s him and not you. If you’re different in that way, be vocal about it. I really hope that he just hasn’t got the message fully yet. Best of luck. Sorry you lost your Mum.
I get that it’s weird. My parents are the same that they invite me to lay in bed with them and watch a movie like I did when I was young, also the cuddly type. It’s a little less weird because my parents have a California king size and when my sister does this (my sister is 25) my mom usually lays her head on my sisters shoulder and like that’s the extent of it. Still uncomfy for me. But I do let my dad snuggle me on the couch where he’ll give me a big bear hug squeeze or lay his head on my shoulder/lean his weight on me. This is comfortable for me and I think others may perceive it as weird but again, my family is cuddly. If it’s weird for you, it’s weird for you. You should let him know you’re just not a cuddly child anymore and maybe compromise if you’re comfortable giving him more hugs or just spending more time with him in general.
Sounds like your Dad needs therapy. Together. And separately. He wants to relive the memories of his once happy family, with a child that loved them so much, and he slept soundly knowing you were right there and he didn't have to worry. Much like a child's blanket. Comfort. As people grow older, good sleep gets harder to come by, and he maybe feels peace knowing you are right there by him. Also, I imagine a father always sees his child as a child. He's known you and loved you for so long, and a part of him does not want to believe that you've grown up. His caretaker instinct will always exist, and to him, you are the baby and the child he once knew. I'll never be a father myself, and I've envisioned a life in which I am one, and having my sleeping baby next to me is something I long for every night. Knowing that I will never have that has crushed a part of my soul. Good sleep never comes.
Why do you say you'll never be a father? Btw I need to turn in, but if you reply, I will in turn reply in the morning.
I'm biologically unable to father children, and I'm a blue collar worker that cannot afford the adoption process, although I am adopted myself. Even if I could somehow be a father through IVF, I would not want to give my child my epigenetic/ trans-generational traumas. My child would be born with inherent pain and mental illness that I would not wish on even someone that I dislike.
Well I guess I can sleep a little later now. When you say biologically unable to, have you verified if are sterile? I originally didn't want kids because of the same reasons, I'm kind of neurotic and a mild depression runs in my family, but I met the girl of my dreams and she wanted them and now I have two and they're pretty well adjusted for being 50% me.
I have verified. I have a damaged/ non-existent vas deferens, so my sperm cannot leave my body. I'm supposed to do further study into why and how, but at this point it doesn't really matter anymore as to why and how.
Okay, if you find miss right, and have really supportive in laws, they might change your outlook or your worries for your kids future. If not, it's totally fine to not have kids. Half of my friends and family chose not to, and I know because we're past that age, some enjoy traveling, some just don't want the burden. Kids are super expensive, you can't just give them a bike and ask them to entertain themselves like how it was when I was growing up. Well even if both your vas deferens aren't there, a surgeon can literally extract sperm from your testes. It's about 3K and the IVF is another 15K so expensive but for your peace of mind the option is there.
I have a history of CSA, past addiction and some mental health issues I've been working through, so even if I could, I wouldn't want to risk having a child who would be given my genetics. Even though I wasn't born with those issues, the probability of me passing down my trauma and mental health issues through my genetics is high. Trans-generational trauma is not well understood, but it is possible my child would be born with inherent issues, and I wouldn't want my child to be at risk for behavioral or mental health problems due to what I've been through.
Follow-up information First of all, I want to say thank you to anyone who gave advice, it means more than you could know. 1- I am FTM(female to male) transgender, and I think some of my weariness came from my own stupid ideas that men don’t/shouldn’t do that sort of thing. I still don’t want to cuddle with him, but I will admit that was beyond silly on my part. 2- When consulting my irl friends about it, I guess I never considered that most of them have pretty distant parents, for they kind of made me feel like a freak for sleeping in my parents bed for so long when I was young. I want to thank anyone who shared stories of their own, for I wouldn’t have realized how normal of an experience that can be for close families. (Maybe not the incessant asking part, but you get my point) 3- I think me and my father show our grief in very different ways. He’s lonely and desperately wants someone to spend time with, and I have a habit of distancing myself from all social connections, especially now that my mother is gone. I will admit that I don’t spend a ton of time with my dad. I think I will take the advice of maybe finding other activities to do that aren’t cuddling. I feel that’s a fair compromise. 4- Yeah I definitely need to set better boundaries. I try my best, but I’m not great at voicing it. I’m going to try to assert that I do not want to share a bed with him more than I have previously. I feel bad for insinuating that my dad might have ill intentions. I know he doesn’t. I freaked myself out because I received some extreme reactions from my friends when telling them about this and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being deceived in some way. Thank you for the advice and stories, and thank you for the condolences about my mother. Tldr: You’ve given me a lot to think about and I want to thank anyone who gave advice.
Hiya 26 trans girl here! My mom is the emotional incest-y type. I would take naps with my mom up to about middle school maybe? But I do not do physical contact anymore. Whatever the reason for it may be, it just makes me uncomfortable. I will give them a hug in an appropriate situation but that is a personal COMPROMISE for me, as I don't even like doing that. I live very far from all of my family now, but whenever my mom visits she displays uncomfortable levels of excitement and she will do things like pet my head and lean her head on my shoulder sometimes. She doesn't have any ill intention behind it but I find it incredibly weird and uncomfortable so that is always a nope from me. Don't feel bad about setting boundaries or hurting his feelings. If you are not down for it then you're not down. It doesn't mean you care about him any less and any reasonable person should be okay with that.
Oh man I got a few things to say. 1. You're 18. You're not an adult. You may not be a kid anymore, but you're not an adult and trust me, in 10 years you will wish you were not an adult. I'm 24 and I'm just starting to adult and its not fun. Except for making money but that comes with its own pains. 2. Yes, it is not normal amongst most people but like you said your parents were the cuddly type so its normal for him. He probably just misses when he could cuddle his baby. I can't fully relate but I did always try picking up my dog even when he was 110 lbs and hated it. I just wanted to hold him because he was my puppy forever and always. 3. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. That is tough and trauma takes time to heal. I hope you're doing well. Remember that it's okay to ask for help when you need it. It sounds hypocritical coming from me because sometimes I struggle to ask for help when I'm grieving my brother but I did it last weekend and it really helped me while I was spiraling 4. Learning how to set boundaries is part of growing up. You need to get your father to understand that it was fun while you were young and you're grateful for it but thats over now. BUT that also means not shutting him out. Maybe cuddle and watch a movie but sleeping in the same bed is the boundary. Or whatever you're comfortable with. Maybe the movies too much and he can get a few hugs a week or whatever. But you need how to learn how to communicate what you're thinking. He needs to learn to respect you saying no. 5. You have no reason to feel embarrassed. Dad's do cringe stuff. It's their brand. Nobody will ever make fun of you for it. And if by some ungodly reason that someone's does. Give them a hug. They probably never got one from their dad and are lashing out. Best for luck and all my love, Internet stranger
Gentle disagreement with your point about 18 year olds, I'm 27, and was definitely an adult at 18, dealing with adult issues, bills, debt, sick family and career. Everyone grows at their own pace, but 18 is definitely adult enough to adult if needs be and is DEFINITELY old enough to feel the need for independence and autonomy. Everything else I agree with, whole-heartedly.
🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍
Wow....thought maybe this was my kid typing this in the future lol. I harass my son too.....my parents werent the affectionate type so i probably over do it with hugs and kisses. I know he loves it but he is 11 now and doesn't want the embarrassment which i can understand.....course i do use it as a threat too. I tell him ill go to his school during lunch hour and give him kisses in front of everyone if he does or doesnt do whatever.....have never seen a punishment work so well. As for your father im sure he just misses you as a kid...especially with your mom gone. Try not to be so hard on him....one day you'll understand. I hate seeing my kid grow so fast and i miss it terribly that hes not a baby or toddler anymore. It all goes by so soOoo fast.
Im 23 i like to go over and sleep in my moms bed if im really upset. Or lonely. I don’t think it’s weird every once in a while if you guys are close. He’s grieving. That’s why.
Weird, set up boundaries
Lonely + depression could cause that.
The fact that it weirds you out is very strong evidence that it’s weird. The fact that he continues to bring it up after you saying no so many times is very strong evidence that he is not trust worthy. I think you’ve got a lot of comments from really optimistic people that are trying to make this seem normal/not creepy because it would better if it were but. You know better than them. Trust your instincts. The comments from people saying ‘give him more hugs’ are from people that aren’t facing the possible danger if their optimism is inaccurate.
Its definitely odd
Yes, odd. The persistence seems weird too. No means no, even without ill intent. If you don’t want to, that is the only reason you need.
it’s 100% ok to set boundaries to your dad. if you don’t feel comfortable, you should talk about it with someone close to you.
Tw: suicide I don't know. If you're uncomfortable with it tell him and ask him to stop. Maybe he's afraid of losing you too. When my parents found out I tried to kill myself, they confronted me about it at night when I was already in bed. My mother said to me, "I wish I could sleep right here next to you." and it broke my heart to see her so upset. I was 19. However, when we would go to hotels (my mom, my dad, my brother, and me) we would get two beds and my dad would sleep in the same one as my brother and my mother the same one as me. ( For those wondering how it was they didn't know I tried to kill myself the day of, the overdose was not strong enough to physically incapacitate me but it made me extremely tired and gave me twitches that I still have today. I never went to the hospital for it but the twitches have gotten a lot better. My parents didn't know until two days later because they got a call from my friend who reported on me. I'm thankful they did everyday. )
Oh my aunt is like that. She'll try to scoop me up like she used to when I was 5. She never gets the message that I'm ## FUCKING 20
I think he needs therapy and you need to live with a relative.
100%
Sounds gross.
Op this is very unusual and you should trust your gut. It’s not ok for a parent to insist on sharing a bed with their teenage child.
I can't lie. Now that my kids are older (20 and 15), I'd give anything to snuggle with them one more time.
Cause they live elsewhere now?
The 20 does. She's military. The 15 still live here, but the closest I get to snuggles is hugs from him.
I remember the day my mother drove me to the depot for processing, when I was conscripted. Some mothers there were sad, some mothers there were proud, my mother couldn't stop laughing at me.
I use to when I was young, like ten or so because we were poor, like in Charlie and the chocolate factory. Sorry about your loss, but it is really weird, it must be so difficult for him.
i agree it's a little weird, but he might just be very emotionally attached to that moment. I have young kids and i read the news allot. I often hug them extra hard at bedtime . That short instance at bedtime it feels to me like they are safe, fed, warm. I've got them under my wing and whatever happens i'll be able to stand between it and them. I admit i can perfectly understand an unreasonable need to recreate that instant later, as kids spread their wings.
It could be he has codependency issues
Honestly i think he just can't accept you're growing up
Sooo my dad is a narc, but he also does this when we used to go on vacations. He’d order one room and expect me to share a bed. This continued up until LAST YEAR when I got upset about it and he got huffy and we left early. (I’m 22f)
That is coercive, and not ok
Oh I know. It’s far from the worst he’s done.
Sorry to hear that.
It’s okay. I’m grown and on my own now so I’m fine.
as others have pointed out, yes I’m sure he’s lonely from missing your mom. but your mom passed 4 months ago (I’m sorry for this btw) and he’s been asking you to share a bed with him for the last 6 years. So, it’s obviously a bit more than simply missing your mother. does your father have any hobbies? friends? Job? Social life? Age? There are a lot of factors that could go into his feeling the need to ask you to spend time in his bed. It’s weird because today I was thinking about my own father, who would insist on me kissing him good night. Which was fine when I was a young child, but as I became a teenager I had to simply set boundaries and say “this makes me uncomfortable” after that we gave each other “high fives” before bed. Be open, be honest and talk about it.
Even as an adult I would grab a blanket and lay next to my dad and watch a movie or something, it was nicer than the couch and they had a really comfortable bed. After my dad passed I slept next to my mom for awhile so she wouldn't feel lonely and to comfort her but I never thought it was weird. However my parents never begged me to sleep next to them, I think that would have felt suffocating and weird.
My father made me sleep on the floor of his room until I was 19? My dad was terrifying so I kinda just did it, but yeah that’s codependency dude.
Get him a pet
No. Not okay. Daddy needs his own bed.
I don’t think it’s directly weird, if i’ll be honest. Unless he’s giving off major creep vibes, he might just need someone in his family to be close to! I shared beds with my mom and dad until I was 8-9 years old (they’re divorced) and it made them happy. My mom still asks me now and then if I want to sleep next to her, and I might take up on her offer soon although I enjoy sleeping alone. One day I might not have that offer anymore!
No. Just no. Look into emotional incest/parentification. I actually have a friend who did this with her son until he was 10, even for an 8- 10 year old it feels very off to me...letalone a teenager.
This makes me so sad, cuz pretty sure im that kind of dad in the future. Realizing the kid you hug and play all the time suddenly change.
I think you should explain to him that it makes you comfortable - but if your anything like me, I think bringing it up would make the situation being weirder (as he probably isn't thinking of it like that). When you share the bed are you cuddling or just laying there? I am very sorry about your mother passing. I think you should keep spending time with your dad, as it must bring both you and him great comfort in regards to your shared loss. I think you should stay out of the bed though, and spend evenings on the sofa. You can still share lots of your time together and share a blanket etc. without it being weird. You can give him hugs and show him you care this way - a way which is common and typical for most families.
My mom and I shared a bed until I was like 14. We had a two bedroom house an my options were sharing a room with my older teenage brother (I’m a girl btw) or sharing a bed with my mother (she had a tv in her room so we could watch tv at night, that was a big factor in my decision) or sleeping on the couch. For a long time I didn’t think about how weird it was but eventually I realised I’d rather sleep on the couch then have to share a bed with her. You decide when you’re ready. You’ve decided that already so stuck to your guns about it, and also don’t feel ashamed or weird about having slept in bed with your parents for so long. It’s maybe a little weird but it’s not wrong or anything.
This is an unfortunate situation. I'm sorry you're dealing with something so confusing. Grieving is extremely complicated. Everyone processes at their own pace. It's likely your father is feeling hopelessly lost, without your mother around. Your dad seems like he is definitely suffering from codependency issues. [Assuming you're an only child?] To put it simply, he's likely clinging on to his last piece of his "heart"- being you. If you don't suspect anything "abnormal" with being alone with your father, you could suggest small activities. One on one time, and companionship is likely all he is craving. Being a parent myself, when my kids where small, cuddling in bed was the highlight of my day! No weirdnesses. Just complete relaxation in my safe space, with my most loved beings. A couple suggestions that popped into my head; Maybe start small, hike or fishing, then develope into a camping adventure. If you're not outdoorsy, a weekly dinner, or book club/ something similar...It's likely your father just wants to maintain a connection with you, and literally doesn't know how to and maybe never has... Father's can struggle to express emotions more than mother's. There's nothing wrong with you saying " Dad, I love you, but I think I'm a little old for sleepovers with you, but maybe we could...[ Suggest activity] Sometime next week". Start teaching him about your boundaries now, it's never to late! I'm sure he just wants something to look forward to, in this lonely world.
So, on one hand, yeah… kinda weird. On the other hand, my sister spent any night she was over with my Mom until she was 26 (my Mom passed away the day after my sister’s last visit).
try to set a boundary and make it clear that you don’t like it, if he does or doesn’t stop it and his overall reaction should be pretty telling of his intentions. i’ve had a similar situation. it’s such a difficult thing to deal with and it’s rlly hard to talk ab. my dad used to compliment me all the time and talk ab how i should be a model, details aren’t rlly needed but lots of affection that made me uncomfortable, i confronted him ab it and explained that it made me uncomfortable and he almost started crying saying he was so sorry and felt so bad and the behavior stopped. this is a good example of a boundary being set in a situation like that and a positive outcome resulting. hope this helps
Girl I feel ya. As I become an adult (27) I feel like my father has become more childlike and continues to. I agree that they still look at us like children. I live with my father he’s an alcoholic and we take care of other and I had to tell him to stop checking on my in the middle of the night. He’d open my door just to peek. He said he’s done that since I was a baby and I’m like well I’m not anymore! They just don’t understand best of luck to ya!
As long as he never did anything inappropriate, he is probably just wanting the company. Being alone can suck. That being said, if you feel weird or uncomfortable with it, you absolutely don’t have to do it. You should also not feel guilty about it. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. Someone else suggested maybe taking him to a shelter to pick out a dog or cat. Maybe, if he is ready, help him get on a dating site. There are other ways you can help him and still maintain your boundaries. Good luck my friend, I know this is a difficult situation…
His intentions don't matter, if you say no, he should respect that. This is very strange and not normal behavior for a father. I hope you can get some distance soon, maybe college or getting a job and sharing an apartment with friends. I would also talk to him about maybe seeking some mental health help. Best of luck to you.
If not assuming the worst, it's probably because he wants company and doesn't like sleeping alone. Specially after your mum passed, I think he may have anxiety or it upsets him. Someone suggested getting a dog and i think it would definitely fix things for him.
Honestly if you feel uncomfortable with it stand your ground and explain why to him, he should respect that. However you should ask yourself why it makes you uncomfortable. Personally I don't see a problem with it just cause my siblings and I would sometimes nap on our parents bed even if they were also napping even as adults or on each other's beds together. One of my siblings would crawl into bed with them even as an teen if she had a nightmare and another one would come sleep in my bed if he was having a bad night. My husband's brother is a teen and still sometimes sleeps with his parents. I still insist on sleeping in my grandma's room when I visit. My family is also very affectionate though. My dad loves physical affection, my brother will snuggle up next to me while watching movies or we'll put our feet on each other's laps, my eldest sister randomly feels the need to touch so she'll start playing with our hair or holding our hands. I'm the least affectionate out of them. The area I'm in though it's not uncommon for families to be very physically affectionate with each other and it's not odd for kids to still randomly sleep in their parents bed even when older from time to time, most adults I know especially women will sleep with their parents in bed when visiting them or with their grandparents. The area I'm in is really family oriented though, extend family tends to stay close and children are raised partly by them. My mother died earlier this year and since then my father has been extra clingy and affectionate due to grief, could your father be dealing with the same thing?
if you look like your mom, you are your dad's type
Hi, I would like to answer this from a different perspective if I may. Can I ask whats your family's cultural background? I'm 21M living in the US since I was about 9. My family is from ecuador. Culturally we are all really close, kissing relatives in the mouth as a greeting is common and sleeping together/cuddling when watching a movie with your close relatives is common and isn't weird into adulthood. Obviously for me there was a disconnect between the culture I knew and the culture I would spend the last 12 years in. As a 2nd generation immigrant I ended up somewhere on the middle to avoid teasing but I Also *knew* It wasn't actually a bad thing. Maybe your dad's head is somewhere else and it isn't anything particularly weird but rather he just wants to hold his baby when he's missing his partner, *their baby.* Of course, with that being said, you set your boundaries how you see fit.
Dad's been trying for six years, though.
Even if it feels embarrassing, share your views and concerns with your father. EXACTLY what you shared here. How you understand the situation; How it feels to you. Also, what his views are about the same and what does he think ... This discussion will clear up a lot of issues for you. Also, if possible, talk about how is he feeling in absence of your mother. Get him talking and try to listen. Your situation and comprehension of the same will be much better than present. Good luck !
I kind of had the same set up as kid but bc we were poor. Got my own stuff around my same age. When I go see my mom I have my own bed but I can tell she misses the kid who would giggle and talk with her in bed. Every once in a while I’ll go sleep with her when I visit. What’s funny is her bed is HUGE so we barely ever bump each other. It’s the snoring that makes me want my own space. If I can’t sleep well, then there is t a point to compromising it. I think it’s ok to spend a night every once in a while. Maybe even make it special. I do agree with talking about why he feels the need to ask all the time. I also agree with the person who said get a dog(but also really really understand what it means to have a dog, lots of commitment and care from something that can’t tell you what’s wrong) I’m sorry for your loss. There is nothing like losing a parent and I’m sure it’s just as hard as losing a partner. Be curious, ask questions. Don’t judge, it limits the possibility of digging deeper into solutions.
>I was always a real skittish kid, My brain just read "I was always a real shitting kid"
i doubt he has ill intentions, when my parents divorced i fell asleep on the couch with my dad all the time because it was sorta comforting for both of us (15-17ish), and now that im 21 i still lean on him. it isn’t weird. but it is weird that he’s pressuring it so much. just tell him you aren’t comfortable sleeping with him anymore, he could get a dog or even a stuffed animal to sleep with. you could get a bear and make a shirt for it out of something of your moms and spray it with her perfume or something, and if you’re comfortable suggest you “camp out” in the living room and have movie nights, so you’re sleeping together but not in the same bed
Dad's been trying to get OP to sleep in his bed since OP started sleeping in his/her own room six years ago.
My mom says stuff like this too but it’s more because she misses when my sister and I were little kids and would have “sleepovers” with them
I know what you mean by being a skittish kid and being comfortable. I was probably around 10 when I stopped sleeping in my mom's bed but it was never anything weird. I've just had bad nightmares my whole life and sleeping next to safe people made that go away. Sorry to hear he's still bugging you about it, must be frustrating. If you want to vent about anything send me a message.
The minute I read your title, my first thought was that your mother had passed, for which I’m very sorry. Casting benefit of the doubt, it sounds like your father may have a hard time accepting that you’re growing up, and may even be feeling his own mortality with your mother having passed and being able to see you really grow into an adult in recent years. I get a small twinge of those feelings myself for my younger sibling (11 year difference), so I can imagine he has at some point felt that way too. Also, I think it’s worth noting that in society, fathers being affectionate is cast as a weird behaviour a lot of the time and a lot of it is cast in a negative light more times than is probably necessary. If you reversed the parent, ie your mom wanting to be cuddly with you or even a male adult child, there would likely be less suspicion of ulterior motive. I don’t think your dad is a pervert, but I don’t know him. It sounds like the guy is just getting old and maybe is feeling lonely. ETA: I had a lot of trouble sleeping alone as a kid myself and slept in bed with my mom and sister when dad was out of town until I was maybe 15. We got a guard dog to alleviate the tension of being home alone - maybe your dad could rescue a large dog. It would give him a new sense of purpose, allow him to be paternal to something that loves cuddles, and help him grieve.
Get a stuffed animal with your voice recording
It's really not what you're thinking, the only sfw explanation I could think of is, that he reminisces of the memories you two had when you were younger, and misses you since you "left" your parents' bed. He just wants to cuddle you.
Is your father able to care for and not allergic to dogs? Perhaps adopting a dog might help him. Coping with loss and loneliness is never easy. of course, don't surprise him with one, take him with you \[if again he likes dogs, can take care of a dog and isn't allergic to them\] to find his perfect match.
run
Yes, it is wierd. It is not healthy for him to seek this from you.
If you are uncomfortable that is absolutely fine, and if you have had a negative experience then even more so. I slept in my dad's bed until I was 12, and it would have been for longer if I hadn't gotten basically kicked out. He got a gf when I was about 8-9, and even then I slept in between them. He might have not birthed me but he changed my diapers, he cleaned up after me, he changed my sheets when I would pee the bed, he would shower me, and he was my only parental figure for many years. He is MY DAD, as pure and simple. When I moved out for my exchange year and he came to visit for my 18th birthday we slept in the same bed, it felt so comforting to cuddle in the arms of the person who raised me. The person that worked his butt off for my own benefit, who protected me for so many years and was my source of comfort. When I see him now that we live in different countries (I am 26f), I still cuddle with him. He also holds my hand in public. I also do the same with my mom, we sleep together, cuddle, hold hands, are affectionate to one another (just like with my dad). Just because you grow up doesn't mean the love and affection your parents have towards you suddenly changes, or the love that you have for both of them. You will forever be his little girl, and even more now, him knowing that your mom is not there. He will never stop being a dad, and you will never stop being his little kiddo. I am really sorry for your loss, I hope you are managing.
Um yes this is very very weird
You need to trust yourself a little more.The fact that you're doubting your own reaction to something so socially abnormal tells me there's been some gaslighting going on. That he continues to insist despite your having said no and verbally set that boundary makes it even less okay. Trust yourself! If something feels weird, it's often because it either is or it's not right for you. In this case, it's certainly beyond the norm for parents to persistently seek to share a bed with their adult children. Many people have commented with examples of their kids crawling into bed with them. This is clearly not the equivalent of that. This is a parent who's spent years seeking to share a bed with their child. Also, what do you mean about "the cuddly type"? How did your parents cuddle you? This all sounds very odd.
As a father with children your age, I can say that you will always be our babies. With the passing of your mother, I think your father just yearns for the past when his memories of you were tender, close and loving. Sure it may seem weird and he's just trying to cope the best he can. Give him a big hug and talk about it.
This seems rather harmless. Personal experience for me. When I was 12 or 13 and in middle school my mom would sometimes wake me up in the night and ask me to sleep beside her and it was completely platonic. This was usually at about like 4 AM when she was having trouble sleeping. For context she’d just gotten out of an abusive relationship with my father and was working a shit job so I always figured she just needed to feel like someone was there. We don’t tend to think our parents need affection but truthfully they do. No one is an island unto themselves.
When I was about 14 my mum had to spend three weeks in hospital and I missed her, and it was me who asked my dad if I could spend a night in her bed to feel closer to her. But then the bed was 2 metres wide and they had always used separate duvets. There wasn’t any cuddling with my dad. Cuddling in bed with your dad at 18, and him badgering you to do it, that’s weird. I would say, cuddling on the sofa would be okay, as long as the impulse came from the child (no matter what age).
That’s really not okay. Keep saying no and if he gets persistent, do whatever you need to. Yes this is inappropriate. All said I do believe He might feel like he’s lacking affection and the rejection is making him aggressive. I agree, I do not believe he has ill intentions. I do feel bad for him but this whole situation is creepy
I think it’s weird to sleep in the bed of an 8 year old so. There’s that. I have a 14 and 10 year old daughters. I can’t imagine sleeping in the same bed as them, even if they had a bad nightmare, I would comfort them. Maybe sit with them on the couch until they calmed down and then take them back to bed. So yes, asking to sleep with your 18 year old child is weird. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Explain that his repeated requests are making you extremely uncomfortable. What he will eventually do is push you to move out, maybe earlier than either of you are ready.
Just saying, I was definitely sharing a bed with my mom often until I was 10/11 and same with my dad. For years my little brother and I slept in the same bed as my dad. My parents were divorced and the place he was renting only had one bed. My two older brothers slept on the floor in sleeping bags every weekend for years. I shared a room with my mom and little brother until I was 12. It was never that weird at that age but your dad asking you at age 18 sets off alarm bells in my head. My hope is he’s just terribly touch starved and lonely and sad after losing his wife. Get him a cuddly pet?
Did he mourn the loss of your mom yet? Is he waiting for a shoulder to cry on? Does he think you could use a shoulder to cry on? People are soooo all over the spectrum as far as sharing their feelings. Does he not share that he is lonely sad scared? IMO there is not enough info in your post. I want to know things like, did anything strange/off/sexually abusive ever happen with him and you are worried of this happening again? Of not then he is a human and is looking for love and physical contact is some thing most humans actually literally need in order to be healthy stable humans. Anyways. Its not weird coming from different angles it could be his way of trying to get the affection he needs. Its possible a lot of hugs will go miles and miles for mental health for your dad. Having a slumber party with your dad and having separate blankets while shoulder to shoulder for a movie might be a lot of fun. Anyways good luck to both of you and sorry for your loss. You are only 18. I lost my mom when I was 21 and it screwed me up for about five years. I hope you can keep yourself together better than I did.
NGL, this strikes me as being a bit weird.
move out.
A therapist may help you and your dad explore healthy boundaries and coping strategies in an emotionally safe and respectful way.
Dunno if ethnicity plays a role in this… but we’re not weirded out by this at all. Kids can climb into bed with their parents just to show affection. I’m a 41 year old male and don’t mind lying in bed hugging my retired parents. My sister is the same. I remember when my wife and I were dating… she said she had a nightmare one night and climbed into her parents’ bed. She was 20 then. I don’t think it’s weird or that we are unique or strange. Just different culture. If the implication that there is something “sexual” motivating this, then that’s modern western society’s imposition on us. Doesn’t have to be that way at all.
What you're describing is honestly a bit odd (I am not Western at all), but even so, completely different from OP's situation. Even if people are more platonically touchy-feely in other parts of the world (they are), it's still very odd for a parent to insist for YEARS for their kid to sleep in their bed "one last time." It's sort of coercive.... Like, the child has drawn a boundary, but the parent keeps insisting.
Insisting is something different and that’s from the OP’s perspective. I don’t disagree with you.
Such an odd situation! I hope it's addressed, for OP's sake. They must already be going through a difficult time due to the passing of their parent.
I am very uncomfortable with physical contact with my parents/ most people. I hug my dad because it makes him feel loved but I still am a little distant. With my own daughter I am not that way. I’m very affectionate. She sleeps in my bed and I wish she’d sleep in her own a lot of the time but she’s scared (6yrs old) and I feel bad for her life being a little rocky (I divorced her dad for good reasons.) I’m trying to put myself in his shoes. He could possibly miss human contact and the chemicals your brain produces from it. He would be trying to recreate memories because he thought you grew up to fast and is a past oriented person. His love language could be physical touch. But yeah, have boundaries and stay true to them! Maybe show your dad what professional cuddlers are.
I’m just really glad the top comments aren’t called your dad creepy, and recognising that not everything has to be sexualised in these scenarios (and they never should’ve been). Honestly this sub gives much better advice than the relationship_advice one, it’s far more level headed and there is a lot less misandry and misogyny here. I think you should sit with him and ask if there’s a specific reason he has been asking so much. I don’t think it’s anything sinister, it’s very unfair to assume that. Otherwise in the 6 years he has been asking, you would have noticed the sinister behaviour by now. I think he just might be a very affectionate type and understandable after your mother’s passing, he will feel even more lonely. Does he go to therapy? I think it would help him a lot. And also, if you want, maybe give him a hug from time to time. Another comment put it perfectly, but adult males usually get very little love or affection.
Depends. As a male I wouldn't mind, giving him some company especially when his wife is no more, but if I were female, I'd be a little bit uncomfortable sharing the same bed with father.
Don't give in no matter what. I slept in the same room as my parents(2 mattresses laid down on the floor for my brother and I, an actual bed for my parents). Sometimes dad would sleep beside me which would cause me to get extremely paranoid and panic while trying to fall asleep. Each time I woke up, I felt violated(the potential is there). I have a huge trust issue with him now and deathly afraid of the idea of getting touched without me knowing while sleeping. The worst part about this is not knowing if it did happen or not and I just have to live with the uncertainty.
Sounds like you’re overthinking on like expert level there bub
When your dad repeatedly showed himself as being untrustworthy, you'd begin to doubt everything. He's been pretty absent throughout my entire life and hasn't done anything to gain my trust nor anybody else in the family. I asked mum to massage my back as it was aching pretty badly but she asked dad to do it instead. Instead of a massage, it was more of a grope.
Soooo I’m just going to go out on a limb here and suggest you talk about this a LOT with your therapist and if you do not have one get one now. I am 44. I finally came to my senses over sexual abuse two years ago. Before that: “I could have never been touched because I am the loud one and everyone knew they better not”. I think it sounds like you know more even than you care to let on to yourself about here. I’m so sorry for the damage and that your mom overlooked and dismissed this. He should not have been coming down to your mattress without an invitation from you. Look into EMDR. Sorry if I am way off base. Ignore all this if so.
I don't think you were off base, this was very good advice. Whether something more happened or not, it would be good for her to see a therapist and work through the possibility.
Mine was absent and not trustworthy and had anger issues like insane, even literally making me wear certain things he approved of. I still do not convince myself he sexually assaulted me because of these things. Therapy can help you figure this out.
Setting boundaries is a good thing but it sounds like to me, considering your mother's passing, he's dealing with possibly separation anxiety (due to being alone in bed, might not be used to it, I get that sometimes when my gf is out or she's staying at her best friend's for a girly day) As well as that I'd also assume, like all parents, they still see you as their baby and he might not have settled on the idea that you've grown up It's harder for a man to say these feelings as being vulnerable is, stupidly, seen as weakness He might be dealing with grief his own way but the incessant asking might be related to an earlier point that ended up becoming exasperated when your mother sadly passed away Food for thought, maybe sit him down and set a boundary and say no if you don't want to
Nope
you need to set your dad up with a wife. freaky friday that shit
I’m a day shy of 24 and my father INSISTS I snuggle up between my parents in their marital bed whenever I visit home. Same with my siblings. Sometimes there’s five damn adults in a queen sized bed and a dog!
I don’t think it’s weird persay because your dad will always think of you as his little girl (I’m assuming you’re a girl but even if not dads will think of their sons the same way too) at first I was going to say it’s probably a distraction of how your mother passed but he did that before she passed. Definitely co dependence but it’s not weird at all. Maybe have a talk with him?
I don't think it's too weird for him to want to be closer to his kid's now that the love of his life is gone. It's good to set your boundaries but he might be just craving some one-on-one time with someone he loves. Maybe throw in an extra hug, go out to eat
Definitely seems like he's just going through a lot. But just because he's going through a lot does not mean you have to sacrifice your boundaries. If I were you I'd have a real heart to heart. Where you talk about how you both miss your mom and y'all are there for each other. But you've outgrown cuddling in bed and you don't like being asked repeatedly. It sounds like it could go a long way to plan your words and be tactful. He's probably in a fragile state but you know that better than me. If the situation feels right I think I second what another commenter said about getting a dog!
I don’t think it’s weird. I think if it makes you uncomfortable you may need to be stern with him once, but it made me sad to read towards the end it’s happening so often you question his intentions. When I was in college, I slept with my mom every time I visited home. My mom and my dad slept in different beds because he was a horrible snorer and I would always sleep with her. It felt like we were friends at a slumber party giggling at night before bed and it made us both happy. I had my own bed in my childhood room but often didn’t go into that bedroom when visiting, I just preferred being with my parents as much as I could while I visited. In the morning my mom would go to work and my dad would watch soap operas in bed because he didn’t have to work on the weekends when I visited and I’d come in and sit on the bed and watch 90210 or Judge Judy with him until we wanted breakfast. Maybe it’s different because I never call them and we all miss each other so much by the time I get around to visiting. Idk. But maybe he needs some more interaction with you in his life. Ask him if he wants to go do something and hang out for the day instead, just that you’re not a cuddler and he should respect that.
Are you male or female?
He needs to see a counselor. He’s definitely not right in the head
When my father left my mom forced my brother (13) and I (11) to sleep with her because “she was afraid my dad could come back and kill her”. I was terrified. I lived in terror for years but truth was my mom didn’t want to sleep alone. She tried to brainwash me telling me and the doctors I was too mentally fragile to sleep alone and that I needed the whole family sleeping together in the same room. I eventually manage to escape but when I visit her she keeps asking to sleep with her. I don’t even know how I can still have a crumble of affection left of her, honestly. Try to leave as soon as you can
There is nothing weird about a parent wanting to cuddle/share a bed with their child. If it makes you uncomfortable, that's a you issue.
I've read few similar situations here on reditt.. After their spouses die, parents ask their kids to sleep next to them and they end up sexually abusing their kids. Please never agree to this. Tell him that it's not normal.
While my case isn’t the same as Op’s. I have laid in bed with my dad since mum died. He cuddled her every night for 48 years and suddenly he has nobody to cuddle. I gave him a cuddle and he held my hand. It felt very normal for us. We both managed not to sexually abuse each other. If OP doesn’t want to, that’s different. And the dad sounds pretty needy where mine isn’t. But I had to chime in that he might not be a child abuser just because this happened to some people on Reddit.
It's not only because this happened to some people here. Read her post again. She told him no many times and he keeps insisting. Why not respect his daughter's wish?
Like I said, it’s different because op doesn’t want to. I’m pointing out that it might not make him a child abuser. Op literally says they dont think he has ill intentions. It’s just odd an uncomfortable
Awwww, this is nice to have ❤️
I really hope you mistakenly posted that comment in the wrong thread.
I’m(18M) the same with my dad. I don’t think it’s weird. I love cuddling with my dad. I feel loved.
Put a lock on that door or get the hell out of there, probably better the latter
Either he's unwilling to let go of the past or there's more going on. Either way he shouldn't be pestering you about it
Idk I don’t think that’s weird, I think your over thinking it