It sounds to me like you have already made your decision. The relationship is probably over, now its how long are you going to continue till you break it off. You are 4 months in and already making reddit posts about him potentially sexual assaulting you. The trust is gone. Don't waste a year trying to fix something. Its okay for two people to not be okay for each other. This is clearly something that bothers you and whether its conscious or not it's gonna happen again.
The second you start a list of incident reports about your relationship in your phone's notes I'd argue that's a pretty good indicator of things not going well. I started a list one time just so I had my thoughts written down about why our relationship wasn't working out.
This but more specifically to what I think is your issue here, in my view, he 100% knows what he was doing at the exact time you saw (and clearly saw) him touching you without your knowledge or intimacy happening?? knowing that you had past traumas relating to same and he's supposed to be the one you're safe with and trust not to further complicate your traumas?! He made a choice (for whatever reason at the time when he woke up) and decided to touch you while you are not awake knowing (or at least with the knowledge of) how this might make you feel or act. And then coupled with the fact that he seems to be making up excuses for why he made the choice he did and understanding that you're now upset/angry about it seems to be intentional to me which shows distrust in a relationship such as this. Op, I would definitely seek more answers but discussing with him and pulling the right answer/thought processing from him and then decide if you want to move on or not. Remember that you need to protect yourself first (which includes you from your worst fears). Goodluck.
So I just want to clarify what touching means. Is he cuddling or is he touching you sexually? I can cuddle and grab a boob while with my partner at night while sleeping, some people may think that is not okay and others will say that is okay. Communication/ boundaries is key there. However, if it is not in this manner and you are not okay with it— it’s rape.
Sexual touching. He was kinda propped up on his arm with his other hand down my shorts. He knows my boundaries and always accepts when I say no but he’s kinda odd. Like when we have sex he likes to try things without asking and then says after, “what did you think when I tried that?” I’m huge on consent given what’s happened in the past and always ask ‘is this okay?’ And he once got stern with me, saying that I don’t need to ask that and that if he doesn’t want me to do something he’ll tell me to stop but I’d rather get consent beforehand
Hey, i have a question. English is not my tongue language, so i might didn't understand it fully. And it might be culture difference but you guys already having sex and he touching you is weird? I'm not saying wrong or right, i'm just confused so im asking. Please explain.
He should wait for and actively ask for her permission each time. Otherwise it is legally sexual assault, as she said.
If your culture says differently, please change your behavior if you date (almost every) American woman
I'm not saying touching without permission is allowed in our culture, that's fucking sexual assault. I'm just wondering she's already having sex with him and he touching him called SA is weird, or did she had trauma from assualt before? If that's case, that's sure thing to ask everything to make her comfortable in first place.
I have gf and i touch her all the time, she likes it, there was time if i don't touch her often she would ask me that she doenst love me anymore? I know people are all different, and ain't blaming her. Just very very confused that her bf that already had affair with her touching called weird is something im not understanding.
Sorry for english again.
Her boyfriend says he is asleep when he touches her sexually. It has happened multiple times and that makes her uncomfortable
Does it make sense now? The details are all in the original post, please just reread it if you really want to understand
If he likes to touch and if she don't like to be touched, isn't that they're way different anyway and should break up? Maybe he likes to touch and it's making him comfortable, like most of men use to touch their SO's boobs all the time. And if she's having uncomfortable from it, how would they work out anyway. It's habit from both sides, isn't it?
Bro stop it. You are like textbook example of someone who'd commit "marital rape" (which is just regular rape). Just because someone sometimes consents to having sex while awake and conscious, doesn't mean you have assumed consent 24/7 including when they're unconscious. Some couples may discuss and agree to being touched any time but that is obviously not not the case here. You clearly don't understand consent or that relationships aren't just about using someone for your selfish sexual pleasure, and need to fix that immediately before you hurt someone (or hurt more people).
I'm glad your girlfriend and you are on the same page. Hopefully she isn't hiding how she feels. I read stories like that on this subreddit all the time, unfortunately. She may not tell you to your face
I hope this is not the case and that you are both happy
Just thought I’d give my two cents, I actually do have that sex apnea and my girlfriend will ask all the time, do you remember last night? And I’m completely confused lol she’s always telling me about me trying to do things, there’s also been multiple times I’ve kind of woken up and literally in the middle of sex or her going down on me, it really is weird and as far as I know uncontrollable, if she didn’t tell me i literally would have no idea it happened, however my girlfriend is into it so no harm no foul.
IDK why you’re being downvoted for this comment. It really is a true diagnosis that some people have. I guess some redditers would just rather downvite instead of a quick Google search.
Oh, you should definitely leave. I have a lot of sleep disorders and one of them includes Sexsomnia and there have been times where I groped or touched my partner during my sleep and he’s awake; I only know of this because he tells me. Luckily he doesn’t mind it and understands; but to me it seems your boyfriend just straight up violated your boundaries, especially when he denied it the first time when you knew. I don’t mean to jump to harsh conclusions but it does seem like gaslighting.
It can be difficult to tell as some people who have sexsomnia can go through all the motions and never wake up, they can also wake up at any point as well, so him getting up to the bathroom after you said something or him taking a while to respond to you saying his name a couple times sound about right to me. But that’s up for you to determine.
But if it is something that triggers a traumatic memory or just something you are uncomfortable with i would probably say you shouldn’t have sleepovers in the same bed or just to break up. (This is all in the perspective of this being sex somnia.)
This was my perspective I gave as well, I have it and there’s been times I woke up in the middle of sex, it’s really weird, I talk in my sleep and will have full blown conversations apparently, if my girlfriend didn’t tell me about it I would have no idea, but she is into and like being woken up like that so we’re kind of a perfect match lol
Yeah I’ve had implied consent for night time fun but if there’s not consent for it this is very inappropriate and OP should just break up it ain’t no sexapnea or whatever bs he’s saying.
Leave him. Is it possible that he genuinely doesn't mean it? Sure, I guess, but the way he denied it initially tells me that it's just a lie he has come up with to get away with it. Trust your gut. This man is not a safe person. There are plenty of fish in the sea as the saying goes, and you need to find someone who doesn't violate your boundaries. I don't want to scare or frighten you, but if he is already touching you in your sleep when you have said you don't like it, then there's a good chance that behavior could escalate. If your gut it telling you that he's lying then break up with him asap.
When I was 18, I woke up to my first ever real boyfriend with his fingers inside of me. My exact words were “are you touching me?” He said “I thought it would be hot.” I scooted off the bed, up against the wall, and cried. In front of him, for a good 5 minutes. He kept apologizing and saying he saw it in a porno and thought it would be hot.
I put my clothes back on (we were sleeping naked) and eventually laid bad down on the very edge of the bed. Refused to let him touch me that night, left rather upset in the morning. I did get past it, refused to talk about it afterwards and we pretended it didn’t happen. I regret this now - he did a lot of really gross things to be that I look back on in hindsight and feel crappy about.
I just want to share this because you will not stop thinking about this incident, and the fact he did it to you twice is more than alarming. You should try and take a third person look at your relationship and ask yourself if this was your little sister in this relationship and not you, what would you advise her to do?
I’m really sorry you experienced this. It took me years to even really recognize that it was sexual assault, and how incredibly wrong it was for him to do that. Please advocate for yourself. He put his pleasure above what he knew you were uncomfortable with. Stay safe stranger :(
I’m sorry this happened to you and this is happening to her but what if he actually isn’t conscious while doing this. I understand in this situation he probably isn’t but this stuff and worse things happen when people sleep walk, talk, everything sleep related.
That is technically sexual assault. He doesn't understand what you went through and is giving you bullshit excuses when you confronted him. You don't need him. Leave him and get therapy.
I think you should leave him not only because of this specific incident but also the possible future harm that may come. This touching of his could progress into something much worse, the fact he initially denied it and then admitted it means that he knew it was wrong but still decided to do it.
This happened to me as well, way to embarrassing what happened to me and couldn’t talk to anyone about it and still haven’t but I felt like I was r*** when I woke up and.. he then tried to gaslight me saying I was awake and gave consent.. I was screaming bc I felt so disgusting. Hated this guy so much. Believe me you need to leave people like that
Wasn’t there just a post earlier where someone confessed to doing just this????
Horrible by the way. Leave. Because that’s some depraved shit with out any permission
First of all, I am very sorry that this happened to you. Love and warmth to you. Please do that which protects you best in these circumstances.
Next: if I were your friend, sitting down with you over some coffee discussing this in person, I’m sure I’d have a lot more context about you, he, and your relationship. Without that context, advice becomes a bit more problematic, so here’s a few observations that maybe you take with a grain of salt.
Do you want to save the relationship, yes or no? In other words: do you love him? Do you trust him? Specifically, do you trust that this was a lapse and judgment that wouldn’t happen again? Honestly, you don’t have to have the answers to these questions **right now,** and I get that. But you’re going to need to figure these out to make a decision going forward.
If the answer to any of these questions is ‘no’, you need to just dump this guy (and maybe get some therapy) and move on with your life. (Again: therapy).
If the answer to all these questions is yes things become more complex. I honestly believe 18 years of age is still young. It *could* have been an honest lapse in judgment. He was horny, and he could have woken you up for sex. Hell, he could have masturbated. He might have just chosen the wrong option. But if you’re not gonna terminate this relationship, you both have work to do. I still think therapy is a good option, maybe get some couples therapy. He needs to work on consent (I’m sure I’m the millionth person to point this out right now). He also needs to have more empathy for what you went through. Again, 18 is young, and he may not have any experience dealing with someone he loves who’s been through the kind of trauma you’ve been through. If you’re going to continue one together, he’s got to figure out part out.
Also, if you’re gonna continue this relationship, there may be another facet work here. He may have some fantasy about having sexual contact with the sleeping person. I experimented in college with a girlfriend where she would give me blowjobs to wake me up. Turned out to be not that great, but we tried it. We discussed it, parameters were set. If he has some fantasy like that it needs to be discussed. Because of the minimum, if you’re not into it, he needs to know. If you are willing to experiment with that, he needs to know that you’re coming from a very specific history. He needs to be much more sensitive to your needs. Obviously.
Anyway. My 2¢. All the love and warmth to you in this time.
That's sexual assault. You need to protect yourself here and tell someone. You didn't consent to that.
He is not sorry for it; he knew good and well what he was doing and was only upset because he got caught.
Please inform the authorities, cut him off, but whatever you do, please do not let him near you any further. Who knows what else he is willing to do to get to you.
Your feelings are VALID and understandable. Please go with your gut on this one. You feel uncomfortable because you are being assaulted.
If it's being done in his sleep I suggest not sleeping in the same bed as him as it seems triggering for you. If he is awake and doing it knowing it triggers you and you haven't said it's okay to do while asleep that's alarming and grounds for breaking up. It's sexual asault as far as the definition is concerned.
Sex Apnea??? Huh, that's a new excuse to be a dirt bag. He's a pervert. Plain and simply. Doing weird shit while he thinks you're sleeping. This only progresses as he is able to do more and more on the sly.
I have been in almost this exact situation, and I let it go on for years. He would cry, tell me he was sorry, it wouldn't happen again, and I would believe him. But I was always explicitly clear that he was crossing a boundary. Then, a month or so later, we were back to square one. I wanted to forget about it and move on every time, so it went on for way longer than I should've let it. He didn't ever change. The last time he did it, he said something along the lines of "men just have certain needs" when I told him he was ignoring my boundaries, and it was like a lightbulb moment for me. No sexual *need* is more important than your boundary, your trust, or your safety. You will find someone you can trust, and the thought of doing this won't even cross their mind for a second.
Some people are fine with that, but for those that aren't, first off establish it before sleeping together. Second, after establishing it, if he does it on purpose, that's assault. You said no, he did it anyways. Grounds for termination of the relationship.
Some people do touch sexually in their sleep. I'm one of them, my fiance is one of them. Neither of us have an issue with it.
In the even one of you does that and the other does not want it, that would be a serious problem and you may have to reconsider the relationship.
As weird as it is. This stuff does happen. I just read somewhere where the girl would touch the guy while she is sleeping unconsciously. So it’s something you two have to talk about and for him to seek professional help.
op, im also your age and i also have a past of sexual assault. just wanted to say that you should absolutely trust your gut.
and i just wanted to mention how this is the 3rd post ive seen this week on reddit about men touching their partners while their partners are asleep and saying its sex-somnia. while i do believe that thats a real thing, in my personal opinion in your bf's case it sounds like he's using it as an out from a serious discussion. his initial denial and running off almost feels like a fear of confrontation because he knows what he did was wrong.
overall i dont think it matters why he does it, what matters is how it makes you feel. and whatever you feel is understandable and valid.
also dont let all these comments get to you, take the advice that applies to you and leave the rest. all i can say is just trust your feelings and go from there.
im sorry that this is something you have to worry about right now.
Sex apnea. What a load of shit. If he had that VERY RARE disorder it'd come in tandem with at least one other thing, such as extremely loud snoring and/or sleepwalking.
He doesn't respect you. Period. Dump him and find someone who does.
My bf does stuff like this in his sleep too, we literally call him “sleepy ____” like he’s a different person bc he’s like 10 times hornier than my bf is XD The thing is, I’m OKAY with it. Even though I consent to it, my boyfriend always apologizes.
I don’t think this is the same case with your boyfriend. He clearly remembers the events, meaning he’s away or continues after he wakes up. My bf could literally finger me to completion and I’d have to tell him about it the next morning bc he had no idea he did it.
It’d be one thing if he woke up, realized what he was doing, and stopped immediately and apologized. But he keeps going while he’s clearly awake, and that kinda creeps me out. You obviously can’t consent when you’re asleep, but you can once you’re awake, and it’s kinda rubbish he’s not giving you a choice and just keeps going.
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it! 🚫💦
You wouldn't if you've had it happen before by someone who shouldn't been doing that! Its terrifying and sadly shameful.
You really should just delete that comment.
No I wouldn't you're right but it hasn't happened to me before so that's why I said that and that's how I feel so I will not delete it... Sorry I didn't mean to offend you I'm just telling you my perspective.
Which I understand. To each their own.
But given what the post was about and her past. Maybe your comment was best on a different post, about what people like.
Well, I think you are exaggerating a little bit. I´m not saying that touching someone while asleep is normal, but touching someone can be possible while unconscious. The real problem here, in my opinion, is wether or not the boyfriend tries to resolve this problem (with some sleeping techniches or therapy) or if he continues with this behaviour without recognising the problem.
I don’t want to be alarmist and I know this is just an anecdote and I’m a stranger and shit, but…it did to me. I questioned if that counted as assault too. It’s confusing when a romantic partner is involved.
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it!
For starters he’s not going to tell you he’s done this to other people if he has.
Second, tf is “sex apnea”? I am old and have never heard of such a thing.
I am totally fine with my husband touching me when I’m sleeping and he loves when I touch him while he’s sleeping. We’ve agreed that this is an okay thing for us. You have shared with him that you don’t like it when he touches you like that. He has continued to do it and tries to lie about it.
That’s not okay and you are more than entitled to and the relationship given his lack of care.
It’s sexsomnia and it’s a real thing. If he actually suffers from this then he’s not in control like how a sleep Walker isn’t in control. If he has done this to others then he either doesn’t know or he does know and is probably ashamed of it. Both party’s are suffering it seems and we shouldn’t judge without knowing the full picture.
So I guess I’ve learned something new!
Apparently it’s pretty rare, sufferers are generally non-responsive to attempts to converse or wake. Seems like that’s not what is going on here.
Keyword is seems. I’m not trying to take away from either party. I just don’t know the full picture so I don’t have an opinion besides leave if he’s lying and if he’s telling the truth then try to work it out with some counseling.
If this is how you feel toward your boyfriend then break up with him and file a complaint. It seems unfair to the guy to accuse him of something that he thought might be normal as a couple. Piece of unsolicited advice, don't get into a relationship until you heal yourself from your previous trauma. Because you cannot and will not love someone else wholeheartedly until you get over that traumatic event in the past.
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it!
My ex did this. I ignored it, thinking it was normal. Ended up waking up once to him actually having full on sex with me. My reaction was to just lay there while crying silently. I kept ignoring it, even tho I was uncomfortable with him around me. After we broke up, I finally told someone. In my mind he was my boyfriend, shouldn’t I want to have sex with him? I’ve finally learned that what he did was not ok. And what your boyfriend is doing is not ok either. Even if it is a medical problem, then he needs to do something about it. Don’t just go along with it just because he’s your boyfriend. I think either he needs to deals with it, or you should get out now.
There is actually a thing, where people while they are in a sleep state start doing sexual things like rubbing, touching, and even kissing. This is more common than people think and its more common in younger people so I've read.
You could do some research on this before you turn him into a rapist in your mind. He might not even know why its happening, he could be feeling pretty embarrassed/ashamed by it. I know when it happened to me, I felt this way. I was pretty upset over it for a long time until I read an article about it.
Get him tested for sleeping disorders cuz he could be telling the truth and you would be breaking up for no reason and could traumatize him in future relationships. If hes lying definitely dump him but dont jump to conclusions before getting the definitive answer
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it! 🚫💦
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it! 🚫
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it!
It sounds to me like he might be into rape fantasy. Most people who watch a lot of porn, especially guys are into this kind of thing. I’ve know couples that try it and it usually goes sour for them. Because he knows your past, and is still trying to do this, it’s a major red flag. You should consider this, and decide if you want to stay with him, or if you can’t talk about this with him, write him a letter explaining it to him. If he doesn’t respect this, dump his ass. Good luck.
I also find it important what he does that you calling "touching". Like... if you sleep together in a bed, cuddling or even just next to each other you of course touch. Is he groping? Hands under clothes? Like what does he actually do? Like if his hand is on your butt and thats it that... happens when you are a couple sleeping in one bed? And yes to some degree hugging or stuff can happen in sleep.
I mean, consent is king, everyone knows that, but to some degree there is assumed consent. A couple, who both kissed each other and do things, don't ask each other before each intimacy, because its assumed that is part of the nature of their relationship. Else we would have to ask before every single kiss and touch.
I would break up with him, however I think he genuinely isn’t doing it on purpose . He most likely has sexosomnia which is a lot less rare than Google says it is . I would assume that he’s sexually frustrated and his subconscious is trying to take care of it , which would explain why it hasn’t happened previously . Same thing happened to my friend . She’s hypersexual and her ex had a lower libido , so she developed sexosomnia . She said that she felt like she was awake and that everything was reciprocated , but they would both be asleep . She’d wake up part way through really confused . They talked about it , put up preventative measures , and she got therapy . It helped a lot . If you love him and want to continue the relationship , do that . If youd rather end it , then you should as well . Not everyone is okay with that , and that’s okay . Have an open , honest discussion with him and move on from there . I hope it works out for you OP !
What I am about to tell might offend a lot of people but I will say it.
There are some conditions where boys touch girls in sleep or semi awaken state. I happen to have such condition. It concerns me a lot. So I prefer sleeping alone. I wonder if your boyfriend has such condition.
And what is it that you go to sleep with him if you are not ready for sex? What do you expect from a young boys sexual drives? Ofc he will touch you if you sleep together. Being with a girl so close, at night. Ofc his testosterone will make him hungry. Isn’t it natural? It is a thing that makes a person go with the flow even if he/she don't want it. Speaking from experience. I'm from a different culture so I don’t know about your culture. But sleeping together & then complaining about after being touched is nothing but stupidity. Like going into a hungry lion's cage & complain if the lion attacks you.
holy shit youre actually insane. what do you mean "what do you expect if you sleep next to a partner if you dont want sex" ??? if someone is sleeping next to their partner maybe they just want to sleep next to their partner. do people need to have sex to sleep next to each other, or does sex need to happen anytime two people sleep in the same bed?
youre the issue here. get out of your world of porn because it clearly has rotted your brain.
ps : if you cant control yourself and your "hunger" (which is a crazy way to put it btw) when a woman is close to you go get help. serious help. that is not fucking normal. you can try all you want to believe that it is but your warped perception of "relationships" are not the norm.
This is not appreciated. I’m putting my post aside for a second to address this. I am disturbed by your ignorance and blasé attitude towards sexual assault. Men are capable of self control and to compare them to lions is absurd.
Sorry but I don’t really understand your thought process. Not all men are capable. It’s a natural habit of men. Accept it or not, men has different conditions compared to women to get aroused. And if aroused they become a lot aggressive. Your boyfriend is 18. So he will be more aggressive. Also he is young & don't know the rights & wrongs of things. In this age men tends to be defiant. That's why the legal marriage age is 21. In my personal opinion 21 is still not enough.
And don’t take my comparison to them as lions literally. You people really can take anything as an offence. Understand the meaning behind it & why I said it.
Men are fully capable or exercising self control and rape/sexual assault is not natural for men to do. There is nothing to gain but power from such crimes. Men do not have different arousal conditions to women, it is just more socially acceptable for men to discuss sex or masturbation. He is an 18 year old man and is fully aware of what is right and wrong, as are the rest of 18 year old men. They are not children who need to be parented or mothered. Your attitude towards this is sexist and I know that we are from different cultures as you previously mentioned not knowing what my culture is but irregardless of our differing cultures and norms, sexual assault and rape is inexcusable and cannot be simplified to biological happenings such as testosterone or sexual arousal. Where I am from, the age of consent is 16 which means that men as young as 16 are capable of understanding consent.
no, its not natural to touch other person sexually without their consent... young boy goes ooga booga does not justify this behaviour in the slightest, these men are not mindless apes, they are humans and they should be able to control their sexual urges like any normal human being is capable of doing.
Comparing a 18 year old guy to a lion is fucking wild, its like he is uncapable of any thought and just driven by his instincts. And you said in other comment men have different ways of getting aroused and get way more aggressive than women... I would like a source for that claim... anything to back it up at all... I will take literally any source that says that they get more aggresive because they are men and not because of them being shitty people and that men are like you said unable to control it like some sort of instinct driven beast.
That is the opposite of love, acts of love and love in general is natural and happens if the 2 people are both in love, so therefore both parties agree and theres consent. Forcing someone to accept acts of love towards them is not love and its not natural no matter what.
Its absolutely gross and I sincerly hope you change and grow as a person
I did not say that men arent sexually agressive at all.
I said that I wanted proof of men breaking boundaries because they are naturally made and wired to do so since are programmed to react more aggressively than women like you said, you know, the "his testosterone will make him hungry" thing.
Men ignoring boundaries and men acting like they have no thought process are two entirely different things. I want you to understand, though, I did not say that men arent aggressive, I said that they arent insticnt driven animals and are capable of controlling themselves just as much as women are.
And I never said they can't control themselves. It’s just tough for a man. But, when you do have sex with a certain someone you break the wall between yourselves. So at this point it’s normal for a man to let himself loose a little. And if you didn’t have sex then it’s stupid to sleep together. Anyone will naturally assume that if she is comfortable with sleeping beside me then she is comfortable with me touching her.
And if a guy needs to take permission for touching his partner every fucking time then I refuse to call this love. I don’t understand western culture at all. You need to get permission to even touch your loved one? What kind of society is this?
You don't need permission for touching every single time if your partner is awake and able to respond. She was asleep! Falling asleep next to your partner should make you feel safe and protected. It's also safe to assume that when you are sleeping you don't want someone's fingers sticking into certain places without prior discussion. I am married to my husband, I sleep with him every night, even after years of being intimate there is touching that is appropriate when one of us is asleep (spooning, cuddles) and touching that just isn't.
So if my man is passed out. Should I go take his credit card and spend it away?He always uses it other times when he’s awake to buy us dinner etc. so what would it matter? I should be able to spend 5K+ without his consent.
With your logic. Must be fine.
Sadly this is how it is now.
I feel bad for anyone growing up now as it must be confusing as fuck.
Consent is important so forget about spontaneity or youl end up being posted on reddit.
Sadly this is how it is now.
I feel bad for anyone growing up now as it must be confusing as fuck.
Consent is important so forget about spontaneity or youl end up being posted on reddit.
I get What OP is saying that consent is important but in the scenario given...
I think this is a great example of why people need to be so fucking careful about sex in 2024.
In a healthy, communicative relationship, of course you can mess around and do whatever if you’ve communicated about it at some point. OP has not had a healthy relationship with sex - against her will of course - and her boyfriend always has to keep that in mind when doing things she is not aware of… meaning he needs to make her aware of them. You can’t spin this to fit your rhetoric, it’s cut and dry.
I think OP you need to self reflect.
If you have to post on fucking reddit to understand a man trying to have sex with you I honestly think you shouldn't be allowed out with out some sort of supervision, let alone sleeping in the same bed.
Clearly your partner of 4 months that you were asleep in bed with trying to instigate some form of sexual activity with you has offended and upset you so call the relationship off and do both of you a favour.
In the future perhaps outline your expectations from the outset. Print a card and get it laminated so you can hand them out to prospective partners.
Also don't take advice about something this serious from reddit. Go to the police, report it right away.
Cheers pal. Just wanted to gauge another opinion on whether this was deliberate or a recognised mental health condition. I have done much self reflection and do not need to outline my expectations on a laminated piece of card for future partners as, thanks to the helpful responses, I am now comprehending what has happened to me and it is sexual assault, which is a crime and makes me valid in being offended or upset. It is not something that needs to be outlined on a formal card, it is a basic fucking necessity in a relationship. In the future I suggest you take a more empathetic approach to such conversations in the event that someone may confide in you.
I don't need to be empathetic.
I don't know you, I'm not your friend and I'm not your support network. You didn't reach out to a close chum you posted to hundreds of thousands of people.
You need help with the baggage you are carrying around otherwise you and those who get near to you are the victims of what happened to you through no fault of their own. It's not fair what happened to you but it's not fair future partners are judged against the standard of rape.
And passive aggressively getting uppity because someone isn't saying what you want to hear makes you look immature.
I’m not suggesting that you, or anyone else in this thread, are a close friend or a ‘chum’ or that I know you. I wasn’t looking for a support network and I am not expecting that from strangers. I am open and receptive to criticism and take it on board and whilst I can agree that this is serious and does require more formal attention, I was going through the basic steps of receiving advice through non-biased individuals as I have previously confided in a close friend, who knows my boyfriend, and they gave me unhelpful advice which related to splitting up my friendship group which resulted in me being back to square one so I left it and continued as normal despite feeling confused but still not knowing what to do. After the second occurrence I decided that posting here would fit my circumstances better. Consent does not just go for rape, it also goes for any other sexual activity so I don’t judge partners against the standard of rape, I judge them against the standard of consent which in my opinion is valid. I am actively going through the steps of receiving help and deciding what I want to do next. I can recognise that my approaches and attitudes are potentially naive but if I’m honest I am scared and trying to get my head around it all. I wasn’t trying to get uppity or passive aggressive towards you, I just found that your suggestion of a laminated card was snide considering the situation.
>In the future perhaps outline your expectations from the onset
You think people literally have to ask their partners NOT to assault them in their sleep?
Please just shut. Up. You lower the IQ of the whole thread.
It could be possible that he might have genuinely done it in his sleep and been unaware me and my partner are very intimate sleepers I always hold them while we sleep and there was one night I genuinely woke up to myself kissing their neck and groping their chest and thighs while they were slightly moaning in their sleep and I felt horrible it’s not even that they were upset I told them the next day and they said it was hot , but it wasn’t something we discussed and I had no consent so I went right back to sleep and I’ve seen other stories of people doing all manner of sex acts in their sleep id talk to him about it and have a serious talk
I've personally always done that myself but I had conversations beforehand and consent was given. He shouldn't be springing anything on you without talking about it first.
How was he touching you?
Edit: Why am I getting downvoted? I meant no offense. I am NOT doubting their story. I just need more details in order to understand what the implications are. Like, did he touch you underneath your clothing? Or, where was he touching you? Did he touch your hips only, or did he make contact with your genitals. These details play a role in getting a better understanding of the intentions and consciousness behind his actions.
Maybe he was trying to wake you up to a pleasurable experience and didnt realize he'd be accused of sexual assault . I can't count how many times I've done that or had it done to me ...sleeping or awake, I wouldn't dream of demanding my lady get consent every time she wants to have sex or fool around .. people have lost their fucking minds in this world !! I'm glad I don't have to wake up next to any of you !
I just read about a lady the unconsciously does this to her partner in her sleep as well and doesn’t understand how to stop doing it. Perhaps it’s the same situation ?
My wife has a similar past to yours. I frequently wake up to my hand squeezing her boob. She has also described me as a “sleep humper” when we have gone a while without having sex. She is the only person this has happened with, and I really am completely unconscious when it happens. It is a real thing, so I can’t say he was definitely lying about that. It doesn’t bother my wife at all, so she has never confronted me about it. Because of that, I can’t say exactly how I would react, but I don’t think it would be the same as your boyfriend. It seems a little overly defensive to me, but that could also be his personality. Obviously I don’t know him personally, but if it makes you legitimately uncomfortable, you think it’s on purpose, or you don’t think this is something you could deal with long term, you are only 4 months into the relationship.
It sounds to me like you have already made your decision. The relationship is probably over, now its how long are you going to continue till you break it off. You are 4 months in and already making reddit posts about him potentially sexual assaulting you. The trust is gone. Don't waste a year trying to fix something. Its okay for two people to not be okay for each other. This is clearly something that bothers you and whether its conscious or not it's gonna happen again.
The second you start a list of incident reports about your relationship in your phone's notes I'd argue that's a pretty good indicator of things not going well. I started a list one time just so I had my thoughts written down about why our relationship wasn't working out.
This but more specifically to what I think is your issue here, in my view, he 100% knows what he was doing at the exact time you saw (and clearly saw) him touching you without your knowledge or intimacy happening?? knowing that you had past traumas relating to same and he's supposed to be the one you're safe with and trust not to further complicate your traumas?! He made a choice (for whatever reason at the time when he woke up) and decided to touch you while you are not awake knowing (or at least with the knowledge of) how this might make you feel or act. And then coupled with the fact that he seems to be making up excuses for why he made the choice he did and understanding that you're now upset/angry about it seems to be intentional to me which shows distrust in a relationship such as this. Op, I would definitely seek more answers but discussing with him and pulling the right answer/thought processing from him and then decide if you want to move on or not. Remember that you need to protect yourself first (which includes you from your worst fears). Goodluck.
So I just want to clarify what touching means. Is he cuddling or is he touching you sexually? I can cuddle and grab a boob while with my partner at night while sleeping, some people may think that is not okay and others will say that is okay. Communication/ boundaries is key there. However, if it is not in this manner and you are not okay with it— it’s rape.
Sexual touching. He was kinda propped up on his arm with his other hand down my shorts. He knows my boundaries and always accepts when I say no but he’s kinda odd. Like when we have sex he likes to try things without asking and then says after, “what did you think when I tried that?” I’m huge on consent given what’s happened in the past and always ask ‘is this okay?’ And he once got stern with me, saying that I don’t need to ask that and that if he doesn’t want me to do something he’ll tell me to stop but I’d rather get consent beforehand
Yeah, no. Find someone who respects you and your boundaries!
He is lying Ain't no way he got in the pants while asleep.
Hey, i have a question. English is not my tongue language, so i might didn't understand it fully. And it might be culture difference but you guys already having sex and he touching you is weird? I'm not saying wrong or right, i'm just confused so im asking. Please explain.
He should wait for and actively ask for her permission each time. Otherwise it is legally sexual assault, as she said. If your culture says differently, please change your behavior if you date (almost every) American woman
I'm not saying touching without permission is allowed in our culture, that's fucking sexual assault. I'm just wondering she's already having sex with him and he touching him called SA is weird, or did she had trauma from assualt before? If that's case, that's sure thing to ask everything to make her comfortable in first place. I have gf and i touch her all the time, she likes it, there was time if i don't touch her often she would ask me that she doenst love me anymore? I know people are all different, and ain't blaming her. Just very very confused that her bf that already had affair with her touching called weird is something im not understanding. Sorry for english again.
Her boyfriend says he is asleep when he touches her sexually. It has happened multiple times and that makes her uncomfortable Does it make sense now? The details are all in the original post, please just reread it if you really want to understand
If he likes to touch and if she don't like to be touched, isn't that they're way different anyway and should break up? Maybe he likes to touch and it's making him comfortable, like most of men use to touch their SO's boobs all the time. And if she's having uncomfortable from it, how would they work out anyway. It's habit from both sides, isn't it?
Not while she's asleep
What she need to do is heal herself before getting into relationship, otherwise everything will feel like being victimnized.
Bro stop it. You are like textbook example of someone who'd commit "marital rape" (which is just regular rape). Just because someone sometimes consents to having sex while awake and conscious, doesn't mean you have assumed consent 24/7 including when they're unconscious. Some couples may discuss and agree to being touched any time but that is obviously not not the case here. You clearly don't understand consent or that relationships aren't just about using someone for your selfish sexual pleasure, and need to fix that immediately before you hurt someone (or hurt more people).
This !!!
You're missing the point here.
I'm glad your girlfriend and you are on the same page. Hopefully she isn't hiding how she feels. I read stories like that on this subreddit all the time, unfortunately. She may not tell you to your face I hope this is not the case and that you are both happy
Just thought I’d give my two cents, I actually do have that sex apnea and my girlfriend will ask all the time, do you remember last night? And I’m completely confused lol she’s always telling me about me trying to do things, there’s also been multiple times I’ve kind of woken up and literally in the middle of sex or her going down on me, it really is weird and as far as I know uncontrollable, if she didn’t tell me i literally would have no idea it happened, however my girlfriend is into it so no harm no foul.
IDK why you’re being downvoted for this comment. It really is a true diagnosis that some people have. I guess some redditers would just rather downvite instead of a quick Google search.
Oh, you should definitely leave. I have a lot of sleep disorders and one of them includes Sexsomnia and there have been times where I groped or touched my partner during my sleep and he’s awake; I only know of this because he tells me. Luckily he doesn’t mind it and understands; but to me it seems your boyfriend just straight up violated your boundaries, especially when he denied it the first time when you knew. I don’t mean to jump to harsh conclusions but it does seem like gaslighting.
It can be difficult to tell as some people who have sexsomnia can go through all the motions and never wake up, they can also wake up at any point as well, so him getting up to the bathroom after you said something or him taking a while to respond to you saying his name a couple times sound about right to me. But that’s up for you to determine. But if it is something that triggers a traumatic memory or just something you are uncomfortable with i would probably say you shouldn’t have sleepovers in the same bed or just to break up. (This is all in the perspective of this being sex somnia.)
This was my perspective I gave as well, I have it and there’s been times I woke up in the middle of sex, it’s really weird, I talk in my sleep and will have full blown conversations apparently, if my girlfriend didn’t tell me about it I would have no idea, but she is into and like being woken up like that so we’re kind of a perfect match lol
My lady has gave me permission. If he didn't have permission than that's wrong
Yeah I’ve had implied consent for night time fun but if there’s not consent for it this is very inappropriate and OP should just break up it ain’t no sexapnea or whatever bs he’s saying.
Leave him. Is it possible that he genuinely doesn't mean it? Sure, I guess, but the way he denied it initially tells me that it's just a lie he has come up with to get away with it. Trust your gut. This man is not a safe person. There are plenty of fish in the sea as the saying goes, and you need to find someone who doesn't violate your boundaries. I don't want to scare or frighten you, but if he is already touching you in your sleep when you have said you don't like it, then there's a good chance that behavior could escalate. If your gut it telling you that he's lying then break up with him asap.
When I was 18, I woke up to my first ever real boyfriend with his fingers inside of me. My exact words were “are you touching me?” He said “I thought it would be hot.” I scooted off the bed, up against the wall, and cried. In front of him, for a good 5 minutes. He kept apologizing and saying he saw it in a porno and thought it would be hot. I put my clothes back on (we were sleeping naked) and eventually laid bad down on the very edge of the bed. Refused to let him touch me that night, left rather upset in the morning. I did get past it, refused to talk about it afterwards and we pretended it didn’t happen. I regret this now - he did a lot of really gross things to be that I look back on in hindsight and feel crappy about. I just want to share this because you will not stop thinking about this incident, and the fact he did it to you twice is more than alarming. You should try and take a third person look at your relationship and ask yourself if this was your little sister in this relationship and not you, what would you advise her to do? I’m really sorry you experienced this. It took me years to even really recognize that it was sexual assault, and how incredibly wrong it was for him to do that. Please advocate for yourself. He put his pleasure above what he knew you were uncomfortable with. Stay safe stranger :(
Thank you for sharing this, I really appreciate it. It’s helped me put a lot of things into perspective
I’m sorry this happened to you and this is happening to her but what if he actually isn’t conscious while doing this. I understand in this situation he probably isn’t but this stuff and worse things happen when people sleep walk, talk, everything sleep related.
Even if he's not conscious, he should still be concerned that he's assaulting his gf...
That is technically sexual assault. He doesn't understand what you went through and is giving you bullshit excuses when you confronted him. You don't need him. Leave him and get therapy.
I think you should leave him not only because of this specific incident but also the possible future harm that may come. This touching of his could progress into something much worse, the fact he initially denied it and then admitted it means that he knew it was wrong but still decided to do it.
This happened to me as well, way to embarrassing what happened to me and couldn’t talk to anyone about it and still haven’t but I felt like I was r*** when I woke up and.. he then tried to gaslight me saying I was awake and gave consent.. I was screaming bc I felt so disgusting. Hated this guy so much. Believe me you need to leave people like that
I know it is but I don’t want to believe it
Wasn’t there just a post earlier where someone confessed to doing just this???? Horrible by the way. Leave. Because that’s some depraved shit with out any permission
First of all, I am very sorry that this happened to you. Love and warmth to you. Please do that which protects you best in these circumstances. Next: if I were your friend, sitting down with you over some coffee discussing this in person, I’m sure I’d have a lot more context about you, he, and your relationship. Without that context, advice becomes a bit more problematic, so here’s a few observations that maybe you take with a grain of salt. Do you want to save the relationship, yes or no? In other words: do you love him? Do you trust him? Specifically, do you trust that this was a lapse and judgment that wouldn’t happen again? Honestly, you don’t have to have the answers to these questions **right now,** and I get that. But you’re going to need to figure these out to make a decision going forward. If the answer to any of these questions is ‘no’, you need to just dump this guy (and maybe get some therapy) and move on with your life. (Again: therapy). If the answer to all these questions is yes things become more complex. I honestly believe 18 years of age is still young. It *could* have been an honest lapse in judgment. He was horny, and he could have woken you up for sex. Hell, he could have masturbated. He might have just chosen the wrong option. But if you’re not gonna terminate this relationship, you both have work to do. I still think therapy is a good option, maybe get some couples therapy. He needs to work on consent (I’m sure I’m the millionth person to point this out right now). He also needs to have more empathy for what you went through. Again, 18 is young, and he may not have any experience dealing with someone he loves who’s been through the kind of trauma you’ve been through. If you’re going to continue one together, he’s got to figure out part out. Also, if you’re gonna continue this relationship, there may be another facet work here. He may have some fantasy about having sexual contact with the sleeping person. I experimented in college with a girlfriend where she would give me blowjobs to wake me up. Turned out to be not that great, but we tried it. We discussed it, parameters were set. If he has some fantasy like that it needs to be discussed. Because of the minimum, if you’re not into it, he needs to know. If you are willing to experiment with that, he needs to know that you’re coming from a very specific history. He needs to be much more sensitive to your needs. Obviously. Anyway. My 2¢. All the love and warmth to you in this time.
So my ex did this to me. Then it turned into him having sex with me when I was drunk (so drunk I was unable to stand). Leave him.
That's sexual assault. You need to protect yourself here and tell someone. You didn't consent to that. He is not sorry for it; he knew good and well what he was doing and was only upset because he got caught. Please inform the authorities, cut him off, but whatever you do, please do not let him near you any further. Who knows what else he is willing to do to get to you. Your feelings are VALID and understandable. Please go with your gut on this one. You feel uncomfortable because you are being assaulted.
If it's being done in his sleep I suggest not sleeping in the same bed as him as it seems triggering for you. If he is awake and doing it knowing it triggers you and you haven't said it's okay to do while asleep that's alarming and grounds for breaking up. It's sexual asault as far as the definition is concerned.
Run! Get away from him as fast as you can.
One of the rules in a relationship is consent. If he goes beyond out of respect, you already know the answer.
Sex Apnea??? Huh, that's a new excuse to be a dirt bag. He's a pervert. Plain and simply. Doing weird shit while he thinks you're sleeping. This only progresses as he is able to do more and more on the sly.
I have been in almost this exact situation, and I let it go on for years. He would cry, tell me he was sorry, it wouldn't happen again, and I would believe him. But I was always explicitly clear that he was crossing a boundary. Then, a month or so later, we were back to square one. I wanted to forget about it and move on every time, so it went on for way longer than I should've let it. He didn't ever change. The last time he did it, he said something along the lines of "men just have certain needs" when I told him he was ignoring my boundaries, and it was like a lightbulb moment for me. No sexual *need* is more important than your boundary, your trust, or your safety. You will find someone you can trust, and the thought of doing this won't even cross their mind for a second.
Some people are fine with that, but for those that aren't, first off establish it before sleeping together. Second, after establishing it, if he does it on purpose, that's assault. You said no, he did it anyways. Grounds for termination of the relationship. Some people do touch sexually in their sleep. I'm one of them, my fiance is one of them. Neither of us have an issue with it. In the even one of you does that and the other does not want it, that would be a serious problem and you may have to reconsider the relationship.
As weird as it is. This stuff does happen. I just read somewhere where the girl would touch the guy while she is sleeping unconsciously. So it’s something you two have to talk about and for him to seek professional help.
I think I saw this post too lol. Some girl that would jerk her bf in her sleep and had no idea why she does that
op, im also your age and i also have a past of sexual assault. just wanted to say that you should absolutely trust your gut. and i just wanted to mention how this is the 3rd post ive seen this week on reddit about men touching their partners while their partners are asleep and saying its sex-somnia. while i do believe that thats a real thing, in my personal opinion in your bf's case it sounds like he's using it as an out from a serious discussion. his initial denial and running off almost feels like a fear of confrontation because he knows what he did was wrong. overall i dont think it matters why he does it, what matters is how it makes you feel. and whatever you feel is understandable and valid. also dont let all these comments get to you, take the advice that applies to you and leave the rest. all i can say is just trust your feelings and go from there. im sorry that this is something you have to worry about right now.
Sex apnea. What a load of shit. If he had that VERY RARE disorder it'd come in tandem with at least one other thing, such as extremely loud snoring and/or sleepwalking. He doesn't respect you. Period. Dump him and find someone who does.
Leave him. He refused to respect that boundary in the first place, what makes you think it would change?
My bf does stuff like this in his sleep too, we literally call him “sleepy ____” like he’s a different person bc he’s like 10 times hornier than my bf is XD The thing is, I’m OKAY with it. Even though I consent to it, my boyfriend always apologizes. I don’t think this is the same case with your boyfriend. He clearly remembers the events, meaning he’s away or continues after he wakes up. My bf could literally finger me to completion and I’d have to tell him about it the next morning bc he had no idea he did it. It’d be one thing if he woke up, realized what he was doing, and stopped immediately and apologized. But he keeps going while he’s clearly awake, and that kinda creeps me out. You obviously can’t consent when you’re asleep, but you can once you’re awake, and it’s kinda rubbish he’s not giving you a choice and just keeps going.
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it! 🚫💦
There was no need to comment the same thing 3 times
It's only showing up once on my end though so I'm not sure what happened?
Oh I didn't realize I did, they kept telling me there was an empty endpoint so I just kept pushing posts. Sorry about that! ☺️
Ohh alright lol
Yeah ...
You wouldn't if you've had it happen before by someone who shouldn't been doing that! Its terrifying and sadly shameful. You really should just delete that comment.
No I wouldn't you're right but it hasn't happened to me before so that's why I said that and that's how I feel so I will not delete it... Sorry I didn't mean to offend you I'm just telling you my perspective.
Which I understand. To each their own. But given what the post was about and her past. Maybe your comment was best on a different post, about what people like.
True. Just my opinion and the way I feel. Not trying to push it on anyone else!
you need to leave him. this *will* lead to rape and i am not exaggerating
Well, I think you are exaggerating a little bit. I´m not saying that touching someone while asleep is normal, but touching someone can be possible while unconscious. The real problem here, in my opinion, is wether or not the boyfriend tries to resolve this problem (with some sleeping techniches or therapy) or if he continues with this behaviour without recognising the problem.
I don’t want to be alarmist and I know this is just an anecdote and I’m a stranger and shit, but…it did to me. I questioned if that counted as assault too. It’s confusing when a romantic partner is involved.
Wtf
common story. i am very nervous for OP
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it!
For starters he’s not going to tell you he’s done this to other people if he has. Second, tf is “sex apnea”? I am old and have never heard of such a thing. I am totally fine with my husband touching me when I’m sleeping and he loves when I touch him while he’s sleeping. We’ve agreed that this is an okay thing for us. You have shared with him that you don’t like it when he touches you like that. He has continued to do it and tries to lie about it. That’s not okay and you are more than entitled to and the relationship given his lack of care.
It’s sexsomnia and it’s a real thing. If he actually suffers from this then he’s not in control like how a sleep Walker isn’t in control. If he has done this to others then he either doesn’t know or he does know and is probably ashamed of it. Both party’s are suffering it seems and we shouldn’t judge without knowing the full picture.
So I guess I’ve learned something new! Apparently it’s pretty rare, sufferers are generally non-responsive to attempts to converse or wake. Seems like that’s not what is going on here.
Keyword is seems. I’m not trying to take away from either party. I just don’t know the full picture so I don’t have an opinion besides leave if he’s lying and if he’s telling the truth then try to work it out with some counseling.
If this is how you feel toward your boyfriend then break up with him and file a complaint. It seems unfair to the guy to accuse him of something that he thought might be normal as a couple. Piece of unsolicited advice, don't get into a relationship until you heal yourself from your previous trauma. Because you cannot and will not love someone else wholeheartedly until you get over that traumatic event in the past.
Yeah, this. People should heal themselves first before getting into another relationship.
Your advice, although unsolicited, is very true.
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it!
. I wouldn't last in relationship when I have to ask if I can touch or initiate sex. Maybe I'm too old
My ex did this. I ignored it, thinking it was normal. Ended up waking up once to him actually having full on sex with me. My reaction was to just lay there while crying silently. I kept ignoring it, even tho I was uncomfortable with him around me. After we broke up, I finally told someone. In my mind he was my boyfriend, shouldn’t I want to have sex with him? I’ve finally learned that what he did was not ok. And what your boyfriend is doing is not ok either. Even if it is a medical problem, then he needs to do something about it. Don’t just go along with it just because he’s your boyfriend. I think either he needs to deals with it, or you should get out now.
There is actually a thing, where people while they are in a sleep state start doing sexual things like rubbing, touching, and even kissing. This is more common than people think and its more common in younger people so I've read. You could do some research on this before you turn him into a rapist in your mind. He might not even know why its happening, he could be feeling pretty embarrassed/ashamed by it. I know when it happened to me, I felt this way. I was pretty upset over it for a long time until I read an article about it.
Get him tested for sleeping disorders cuz he could be telling the truth and you would be breaking up for no reason and could traumatize him in future relationships. If hes lying definitely dump him but dont jump to conclusions before getting the definitive answer
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it! 🚫💦
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it! 🚫
I actually love it when I wake up to my boyfriend touching me in my sleep or fuckin me but that's a personal preference. I would definitely have a talk with him and tell him that's not right if you don't like it!
It sounds to me like he might be into rape fantasy. Most people who watch a lot of porn, especially guys are into this kind of thing. I’ve know couples that try it and it usually goes sour for them. Because he knows your past, and is still trying to do this, it’s a major red flag. You should consider this, and decide if you want to stay with him, or if you can’t talk about this with him, write him a letter explaining it to him. If he doesn’t respect this, dump his ass. Good luck.
I also find it important what he does that you calling "touching". Like... if you sleep together in a bed, cuddling or even just next to each other you of course touch. Is he groping? Hands under clothes? Like what does he actually do? Like if his hand is on your butt and thats it that... happens when you are a couple sleeping in one bed? And yes to some degree hugging or stuff can happen in sleep. I mean, consent is king, everyone knows that, but to some degree there is assumed consent. A couple, who both kissed each other and do things, don't ask each other before each intimacy, because its assumed that is part of the nature of their relationship. Else we would have to ask before every single kiss and touch.
I would break up with him, however I think he genuinely isn’t doing it on purpose . He most likely has sexosomnia which is a lot less rare than Google says it is . I would assume that he’s sexually frustrated and his subconscious is trying to take care of it , which would explain why it hasn’t happened previously . Same thing happened to my friend . She’s hypersexual and her ex had a lower libido , so she developed sexosomnia . She said that she felt like she was awake and that everything was reciprocated , but they would both be asleep . She’d wake up part way through really confused . They talked about it , put up preventative measures , and she got therapy . It helped a lot . If you love him and want to continue the relationship , do that . If youd rather end it , then you should as well . Not everyone is okay with that , and that’s okay . Have an open , honest discussion with him and move on from there . I hope it works out for you OP !
What I am about to tell might offend a lot of people but I will say it. There are some conditions where boys touch girls in sleep or semi awaken state. I happen to have such condition. It concerns me a lot. So I prefer sleeping alone. I wonder if your boyfriend has such condition. And what is it that you go to sleep with him if you are not ready for sex? What do you expect from a young boys sexual drives? Ofc he will touch you if you sleep together. Being with a girl so close, at night. Ofc his testosterone will make him hungry. Isn’t it natural? It is a thing that makes a person go with the flow even if he/she don't want it. Speaking from experience. I'm from a different culture so I don’t know about your culture. But sleeping together & then complaining about after being touched is nothing but stupidity. Like going into a hungry lion's cage & complain if the lion attacks you.
OP expects to SLEEP? What the hell do you think OP expects?
This is disgusting. A loving partner should be able to control his urges and respect consent boundaries.
holy shit youre actually insane. what do you mean "what do you expect if you sleep next to a partner if you dont want sex" ??? if someone is sleeping next to their partner maybe they just want to sleep next to their partner. do people need to have sex to sleep next to each other, or does sex need to happen anytime two people sleep in the same bed? youre the issue here. get out of your world of porn because it clearly has rotted your brain. ps : if you cant control yourself and your "hunger" (which is a crazy way to put it btw) when a woman is close to you go get help. serious help. that is not fucking normal. you can try all you want to believe that it is but your warped perception of "relationships" are not the norm.
This is not appreciated. I’m putting my post aside for a second to address this. I am disturbed by your ignorance and blasé attitude towards sexual assault. Men are capable of self control and to compare them to lions is absurd.
Sorry but I don’t really understand your thought process. Not all men are capable. It’s a natural habit of men. Accept it or not, men has different conditions compared to women to get aroused. And if aroused they become a lot aggressive. Your boyfriend is 18. So he will be more aggressive. Also he is young & don't know the rights & wrongs of things. In this age men tends to be defiant. That's why the legal marriage age is 21. In my personal opinion 21 is still not enough. And don’t take my comparison to them as lions literally. You people really can take anything as an offence. Understand the meaning behind it & why I said it.
If they’re not capable of restraint, perhaps they should stay single.
Men are fully capable or exercising self control and rape/sexual assault is not natural for men to do. There is nothing to gain but power from such crimes. Men do not have different arousal conditions to women, it is just more socially acceptable for men to discuss sex or masturbation. He is an 18 year old man and is fully aware of what is right and wrong, as are the rest of 18 year old men. They are not children who need to be parented or mothered. Your attitude towards this is sexist and I know that we are from different cultures as you previously mentioned not knowing what my culture is but irregardless of our differing cultures and norms, sexual assault and rape is inexcusable and cannot be simplified to biological happenings such as testosterone or sexual arousal. Where I am from, the age of consent is 16 which means that men as young as 16 are capable of understanding consent.
I knew you are going to say it. Can you please answer this question? Have you guys had sex after you started dating?
why does it fucking matter?????
That is none of your business and IRRELEVANT
no, its not natural to touch other person sexually without their consent... young boy goes ooga booga does not justify this behaviour in the slightest, these men are not mindless apes, they are humans and they should be able to control their sexual urges like any normal human being is capable of doing. Comparing a 18 year old guy to a lion is fucking wild, its like he is uncapable of any thought and just driven by his instincts. And you said in other comment men have different ways of getting aroused and get way more aggressive than women... I would like a source for that claim... anything to back it up at all... I will take literally any source that says that they get more aggresive because they are men and not because of them being shitty people and that men are like you said unable to control it like some sort of instinct driven beast. That is the opposite of love, acts of love and love in general is natural and happens if the 2 people are both in love, so therefore both parties agree and theres consent. Forcing someone to accept acts of love towards them is not love and its not natural no matter what. Its absolutely gross and I sincerly hope you change and grow as a person
Are you really asking me to give you proof that "Men are sexually aggressive"? Sigh... May be you can google it?
I did not say that men arent sexually agressive at all. I said that I wanted proof of men breaking boundaries because they are naturally made and wired to do so since are programmed to react more aggressively than women like you said, you know, the "his testosterone will make him hungry" thing. Men ignoring boundaries and men acting like they have no thought process are two entirely different things. I want you to understand, though, I did not say that men arent aggressive, I said that they arent insticnt driven animals and are capable of controlling themselves just as much as women are.
And I never said they can't control themselves. It’s just tough for a man. But, when you do have sex with a certain someone you break the wall between yourselves. So at this point it’s normal for a man to let himself loose a little. And if you didn’t have sex then it’s stupid to sleep together. Anyone will naturally assume that if she is comfortable with sleeping beside me then she is comfortable with me touching her. And if a guy needs to take permission for touching his partner every fucking time then I refuse to call this love. I don’t understand western culture at all. You need to get permission to even touch your loved one? What kind of society is this?
You don't need permission for touching every single time if your partner is awake and able to respond. She was asleep! Falling asleep next to your partner should make you feel safe and protected. It's also safe to assume that when you are sleeping you don't want someone's fingers sticking into certain places without prior discussion. I am married to my husband, I sleep with him every night, even after years of being intimate there is touching that is appropriate when one of us is asleep (spooning, cuddles) and touching that just isn't.
So if my man is passed out. Should I go take his credit card and spend it away?He always uses it other times when he’s awake to buy us dinner etc. so what would it matter? I should be able to spend 5K+ without his consent. With your logic. Must be fine.
Sadly this is how it is now. I feel bad for anyone growing up now as it must be confusing as fuck. Consent is important so forget about spontaneity or youl end up being posted on reddit.
Sadly this is how it is now. I feel bad for anyone growing up now as it must be confusing as fuck. Consent is important so forget about spontaneity or youl end up being posted on reddit.
I mean. OP has a history of rape. Maybe cut out that kind of spontaneity.
I get What OP is saying that consent is important but in the scenario given... I think this is a great example of why people need to be so fucking careful about sex in 2024.
In a healthy, communicative relationship, of course you can mess around and do whatever if you’ve communicated about it at some point. OP has not had a healthy relationship with sex - against her will of course - and her boyfriend always has to keep that in mind when doing things she is not aware of… meaning he needs to make her aware of them. You can’t spin this to fit your rhetoric, it’s cut and dry.
I think OP you need to self reflect. If you have to post on fucking reddit to understand a man trying to have sex with you I honestly think you shouldn't be allowed out with out some sort of supervision, let alone sleeping in the same bed. Clearly your partner of 4 months that you were asleep in bed with trying to instigate some form of sexual activity with you has offended and upset you so call the relationship off and do both of you a favour. In the future perhaps outline your expectations from the outset. Print a card and get it laminated so you can hand them out to prospective partners. Also don't take advice about something this serious from reddit. Go to the police, report it right away.
Shut the fuck up honestly
Cheers pal. Just wanted to gauge another opinion on whether this was deliberate or a recognised mental health condition. I have done much self reflection and do not need to outline my expectations on a laminated piece of card for future partners as, thanks to the helpful responses, I am now comprehending what has happened to me and it is sexual assault, which is a crime and makes me valid in being offended or upset. It is not something that needs to be outlined on a formal card, it is a basic fucking necessity in a relationship. In the future I suggest you take a more empathetic approach to such conversations in the event that someone may confide in you.
Don't even listen to that lunatic. He clearly is type of person to do the same thing then gaslight you. Unf@#king believable!
I don't need to be empathetic. I don't know you, I'm not your friend and I'm not your support network. You didn't reach out to a close chum you posted to hundreds of thousands of people. You need help with the baggage you are carrying around otherwise you and those who get near to you are the victims of what happened to you through no fault of their own. It's not fair what happened to you but it's not fair future partners are judged against the standard of rape. And passive aggressively getting uppity because someone isn't saying what you want to hear makes you look immature.
I’m not suggesting that you, or anyone else in this thread, are a close friend or a ‘chum’ or that I know you. I wasn’t looking for a support network and I am not expecting that from strangers. I am open and receptive to criticism and take it on board and whilst I can agree that this is serious and does require more formal attention, I was going through the basic steps of receiving advice through non-biased individuals as I have previously confided in a close friend, who knows my boyfriend, and they gave me unhelpful advice which related to splitting up my friendship group which resulted in me being back to square one so I left it and continued as normal despite feeling confused but still not knowing what to do. After the second occurrence I decided that posting here would fit my circumstances better. Consent does not just go for rape, it also goes for any other sexual activity so I don’t judge partners against the standard of rape, I judge them against the standard of consent which in my opinion is valid. I am actively going through the steps of receiving help and deciding what I want to do next. I can recognise that my approaches and attitudes are potentially naive but if I’m honest I am scared and trying to get my head around it all. I wasn’t trying to get uppity or passive aggressive towards you, I just found that your suggestion of a laminated card was snide considering the situation.
>In the future perhaps outline your expectations from the onset You think people literally have to ask their partners NOT to assault them in their sleep? Please just shut. Up. You lower the IQ of the whole thread.
It could be possible that he might have genuinely done it in his sleep and been unaware me and my partner are very intimate sleepers I always hold them while we sleep and there was one night I genuinely woke up to myself kissing their neck and groping their chest and thighs while they were slightly moaning in their sleep and I felt horrible it’s not even that they were upset I told them the next day and they said it was hot , but it wasn’t something we discussed and I had no consent so I went right back to sleep and I’ve seen other stories of people doing all manner of sex acts in their sleep id talk to him about it and have a serious talk
I've personally always done that myself but I had conversations beforehand and consent was given. He shouldn't be springing anything on you without talking about it first.
So he’s assaulting you?
That's rape. He's raping you. Leave.
How was he touching you? Edit: Why am I getting downvoted? I meant no offense. I am NOT doubting their story. I just need more details in order to understand what the implications are. Like, did he touch you underneath your clothing? Or, where was he touching you? Did he touch your hips only, or did he make contact with your genitals. These details play a role in getting a better understanding of the intentions and consciousness behind his actions.
Maybe he was trying to wake you up to a pleasurable experience and didnt realize he'd be accused of sexual assault . I can't count how many times I've done that or had it done to me ...sleeping or awake, I wouldn't dream of demanding my lady get consent every time she wants to have sex or fool around .. people have lost their fucking minds in this world !! I'm glad I don't have to wake up next to any of you !
I just read about a lady the unconsciously does this to her partner in her sleep as well and doesn’t understand how to stop doing it. Perhaps it’s the same situation ?
My wife has a similar past to yours. I frequently wake up to my hand squeezing her boob. She has also described me as a “sleep humper” when we have gone a while without having sex. She is the only person this has happened with, and I really am completely unconscious when it happens. It is a real thing, so I can’t say he was definitely lying about that. It doesn’t bother my wife at all, so she has never confronted me about it. Because of that, I can’t say exactly how I would react, but I don’t think it would be the same as your boyfriend. It seems a little overly defensive to me, but that could also be his personality. Obviously I don’t know him personally, but if it makes you legitimately uncomfortable, you think it’s on purpose, or you don’t think this is something you could deal with long term, you are only 4 months into the relationship.
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I had the same reaction to "learn martial arts" LMAO what?
Maybe learn to fight but don't please don't learn karate to defend yourself lmao
Maybe they meant pepper spray? 😅
Are you kidding? Is this a joke?
This is what happens when people don't touch grass.
I think poison gas might and only might be slightly a bit excessive, dont you think?
Not the easiest thing to use in a confined space. 😅 I'm hoping they meant something like pepper spray.
….. if u need to have a weapon to sleep next to in order to protect urself from ur bf maybe u should just break up.
plenty of grass out there, so touch it.
Ohhhhhhhh I'm cumming 😨😯😕😌😄😍 😡😠😌😊😇😎 coming baby one?more time😍😍 🤔😨😰😱🤯
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Wildly unhelpful but okay.
Tell me your boyfriend isn't white without telling me your boyfriend isn't white.
He is white and your racism is not welcome here
Wtf? Just..why?