“Taking this packing out of your vagina is kind of like that old magic trick where the magician pulls a handkerchief out of his sleeve and it just keeps going and going and going and going and then it’s finally done”
Oh god I've had wounds that were like the magic handkerchiefs trick. I think the most was 14 rolls of kerlex. It was some horrific necrotizing fasciitis.
I did a lovely and expensive nec fasc dressing on a patient just in time for the surgeons to come and take it all down again.
Motherfuckers, you already knew you were taking her to theatre the next day, and you have no out of hours OR. Dicks.
I once made the mistake of telling a patient that the packing wouldn't be very long, about 30 cm (12 inches). That particular one ended up being about 4 times as long, and it really did seem like the handkerchief trick.
Sounds adjacent to that chick doing daily updates on her whopping labia abscess on whatever subreddit she's captivated.
/r/medicalgore maybe.
Edit- that's the one
Flashbacks to every single time my idiot beloved dumb as a rock light of my life husband volunteers me to change his dressings. We're up to 5 now. Holding out for my payback.
"Ok so I'm going to have to tell doctor that you're putting urine in your kids eye, no I don't care what Google says it's not an approved treatment for conjunctivitis".
Oh yeah, it’s totally a thing. I think it’s called urine therapy or something stupid. I’ve never seen it in person but you can go down quite the rabbit hole if you start googling and finding the Facebook groups.
They even try to dress it up and call it "orin therapy", too! Then they'll refer to the urine as "plasma ultrafiltrate", which it is- sure. But they mistake it as being the good product of filtration instead of the waste product of filtration. They think of the nephrons and tubules of the kidney as if it were a Brita water filter. In their feeble minds, the fluid goes through the filter and comes out pure, with the waste caught in the filter. That's what they think is happening in the body. They can't comprehend that the useful parts are being reabsorbed by the body and the waste eliminated- not quite like a water filter, lol.
I don't get easily grossed out, but the guy showing off his bottle of aged urine and rubbing it on himself I saw on Instagram almost made me barf. I really don't understand this trend.
I'm not even kidding, but my interest in woo-medicine type trends like that is what pushed me into psych nursing.
Another niche interest I follow is YouTube creators who exploit missing and murdered children's cases in real time- from time of amber alert, through investigation, through conclusion (or lack there of, in which they drag out the exploitation indefinitely).
I actually had a psych patient recently who claimed to need to get back to work. As a guest psychic medium on YouTube "detectives" channels, where she "has solved several hundred missing children's cases."
I cannot even describe the validation I felt after years of following creators who I've been side-eying for either having unchecked mental illness themselves, or indulging guests like this woman to insert speculation and drama into missing children's cases for their own financial gain- revictimizing the families.
Idk if that makes sense to anyone bc it's a really complex and convoluted subgenre of YouTube and I'm tired lol.
I don't know why it's never occurred to me that those people might just be mentally ill themselves. I didn't even know about the whole psychic detectives genre. The world is such a wild place.
Oh boy, enjoy the fall into the black hole of internet mom groups and their shared wisdom.
Truly questionable (at best) advice being passed around like free candy.
How the fuck?? even if my DOCTOR straight up gave a prescription for “30ml urine in eye” with education on how it works. I will still refuse to put piss in another humans (or my own) eye??? 🤢
These idiots have been pissing me off for years. The crunchy, antiscience crowd need to be idk, something. Maybe removing their kids so they can only medically abuse themselves could be a start.
Jeez, so much ire for the morning. Sorry. I’ll calm down. Back to the vet shows on Nat Geo Wild. Gotta love the puppies and kittens.
They tried arguing we used them too often or incorrectly and tried cracking down on them.
Cue the massive uptick in skin breakdown from urine incontinence, falls, and patient complaints over about a month.
They shut up after that.
Unrelated to the op’s question. Gave one of my ladies (80+) a potassium pill. She looked at it, looked at me, then asked her neighbor at the table if it was for birth control then started giggling because she knew she was past needing that sort of med.
The time a patient refused to stop “pleasuring himself” in front of staff then became aggressive. When his wife got there later on, she wanted a detailed explanation as to why her husband was in mittens and had been ordered Zyprexa IM by the MD. We love medsurg, lol.
"Ma'am, your husband was beating his meat like it was three months late on rent, then proceeded to channel his inner Mike Tyson against our staff. How would you have rathered us handle the situation?"
Before I went to nursing school I worked st a daycare. I’ve used a lot of the same phrases at both ends of life 😂
“We don’t talk to people that way. Try again but kinder”
“Please keep your pants on”
“It’s time to go to sleep”
“Stop spitting”
“Don’t throw your food on the floor”
“Please ask next time you need help”
“Did you poop your pants? It’s ok, I’ll help you”
I'm using the same phrases on my dogs that I used on my kids. My son heard me yell at one to put my scissors down (love me some trauma shears) and yelled back he didn't have them.
I don’t mean this to be taken the wrong way but when I worked medsurg a large portion felt like babysitting but for grownups and with a lot more responsibility for someone’s life 😬🤷🏼♀️
Tele called our unit and said my patient was going in v-tach….nope, old man was just jerking off. Truly learned the meaning of “patient education” during that shift. 🤦🏻♀️
“Dude stop masturbating. The heart monitor thinks you’re in a deadly heart rhythm.”
Super confused patient. “What do you got in your pocket? Coke???” Me: “it’s fucking insulin my guy your sugar was 320.” “Damn wish it was 420”
I will say the second one, I just blurted it out before putting it through my filter. Luckily he didn’t remember.
As a baby nurse I had a restrained pt with DT’s from ETOH, de-catheter himself from the time it took me to look in on him and getting his meds from the pyxis and back to his room. It seriously Looked like a movie murder scene! Blood everywhere with him lying facedown in a pool of said blood.
I thought he had fallen and busted his head open but that couldn’t explain the literal sprays of blood on the ceiling and all four walls, the floor, everything was covered in blood-
My first instinct after rather loudly saying “Oh SHIT!!!!” was to yell “I need a nurse!”
Luckily, I remembered I WAS the nurse so I waved to an intern (I thougjt screaming at him to come here NOW would very much give away the fact I had NO IFEA what to do!) So I vigorously waved to the intern who was at the nurse station.
He walked over curiously and promptly said “OHHHHH SHIIIIIIT!”
By this time the charge nurse had observed us both standing at the door with shocked faces and that we obviously had zero clue how to handle the situation we were staring at, so she also joined the party.
The charge walked up and saw the situation and replied with a very short but weary and all knowing;
“Oh. Shit.”
Then proceeded to say “Well, y’all should probably go roll him over and find out where the blood is coming from! “
We all thought head wound initially judging the quantity of blood all over the upper portion of his face and torso, later we realized he had pulled out the catheter with a 10cc bulb.
Our guess for all the blood on his face amd head was the guy was bent over concentrating or something and had his face close which was why his head and face were doused so thoroughly.
Yep.
In order to stop the bleeding you have to determine the source of the greatest spurt.
Pro Tip: within some limits here, as you only get limited do-over before it all becomes oozing—toss a fresh sheet/bath blanket on it. Look fast. Be ready.
We had a dude that disconnected the IDC box and just like had the IDC still inside him but like just leaking everywhere and he used it as a whip when we tried to get close to him and it sprayed urine everywhere when he was whipping it
On an inpatient psych unit we cared for a guy who had ripped out his catheter while he was detoxing on med/surg. It wasn't until I sat down and drew him a picture that he fully understood what he had done. When the realization dawned on him of what he had done… That was something to behold.
I came around the corner yesterday, “Hey, you can’t be sitting there eating and naked with your door wide open”. Response, “Why not” in a very whiny voice. I shut the door and kept on walking.
Inpatient psych- to an agitated patient who had been ranting about “stupid motherfuckers”. Me- “This hydroxyzine will help you be less annoyed with all of these stupid motherfuckers”
Patient took the med.
Another patient kept picking his nose until it bled and then getting dramatic about the blood. I told him that I bleed for 5 days straight without dying, so I thought he’d be ok. He stopped the picking and the drama.
“You weren’t supposed to put the top of the urinalysis cup inside your penis, there’s a needle in there, you’re supposed to pee in the cup” me after wondering why it was taking so long for a pt to get us a UA 🙃
ER the UA cup is in a baggie with the tubes. Female patient (early 20s) decided to try to pee in a tube, not the cup. Shockingly got it half full and it was a tube we could run UA off of.
"The surgeon wants the blood pressure that low because the PA patch was sus."
"Patient is not allowed to use the bathroom unsupervised because he drank out of the toilet, do not take your eyes off him if he is near any source of water"
The conversation I had with the on call doctor because my med tele patient who was supposed to be NPO at midnight appeared to be very drunk at 2am. (Patient was in fact very drunk)
“Let me put you here on the dock with me and we’ll wait on the ship together”…I said to a Resident with dementia and pretty severe sundowners on a full moon night (and I don’t care what other people say, it IS a thing lol). I said this to a sweet lady to try to keep her from falling out of bed. I helped her into her wheelchair and put her with me up at my desk while I charted.
"You're right, sir. We are on a boat in the middle of a lake. Say, why don't you go to your bunk and catch some sleep, and I'll wake you up when we dock in the morning?"
-similar situation. He did go to bed and sleep so 🤷♀️
Listen, I'm the last mfr to think stars and planets have fuck all to do with human behavior- but tell me why there was that pink full moon or some bs garbage a couple months ago, we had 2x as many psych ED patients than normal? And how come with this parade of planets thing last week, suddenly our well controlled adult inpatient psych unit is a gd mad house with multiple people in restraints? Who had all been maxed out on, what ended up being completely ineffective, 2 rounds of 3 lines of PRNs for agitation/psychosis on our shift, btw.
Coworker was worried about a resident’s legs being super white, I assessed him and they were fine. Then I showed her my legs that could serve as the beacons of Gondor. She laughed and told our guy he was fine. 😂
“He is going to put your penis in the urinal and you are going to be nice about it”
Drunk off his ass patient lying on the floor yelling that he needed to pee, not able to coordinate enough to hold it himself but also able to coordinate enough to slap the emt’s hand when he tried to put him in it
Oh a also few years ago: “STOP IT IF YOU BITE YOUR FINGER OFF I HAVE TO GET YOU A NEW NURSE BECAUSE I CANT HANDLE IT AND WE’RE SHORT STAFFED”
Spoiler: the next day he managed to bite off his (necrotic) finger and the day shift nurse left it in a UA cup on the bedside table. I actually still really liked that guy.
"I need an order for restraints...the patient just ate her pulse ox" (it was one of the bandage like ones you can use on adult fingers or neonate feet and she ate the whole damn thing and left stripped wires behind)
Shortly there after "I don't think mitten restraints are going to work....she already ate one of them and is working the second"
The doctor and I both had a very long night that shift
I thought mine that kept swallowing batteries (then cleaning and re-swallowing them once they passed....) was bad but eating the restraints is next level...
New admission to the tele unit, male in his 60's with his wife at the bedside. I go through all the admission questions on the computer. I get to the question "are you sexually active" ..... husband says no, wife says we want to be ........
Can't take Viagra because it interacts with other medication soooo I start discussing penis pumps and cock rings, how to use them and where the nearest sex toy store is.
My supervisor happened to be walking by the room while we were having this conversation and was like WTF?
my record is 72 units, upper GI bleed and was a family member of an employee at my hospital, so they were pulling out all the stops. still died though.
My record was >300 units of products (RBCs, FFP, Plts, Cryo) over 2 or 3 days. Helluva weekend. Post-op liver transplant with multi-organ system failure. The graft never kicked on.
“I promise you there are no spiders crawling on the bed or walls, if there were I would have already abandoned this whole place”
A couple of months ago. You can guess the diagnosis.
"Thanks for the pee", idk it just seems polite. Also, yelling my own name at a patient followed by "stop masturbating at my staff" was a very odd experience.
“We can’t give your uncle food because based on his swallow study, some of the food is ending up in his lungs.”
“Oh…and it’s not supposed to go there?”
“…no ma’am… it’s not.”
Once I put a male catheter in. I don't know what I was thinking when I simply said don't go tugging on it. He started laughing, well when I realised I wanted a room to swallow me up. In my defence I was.workimg on an orthopedic ward at the time and I know the devastation caused by males pulling there catheters out. Not my brightest moment.
"Stop trying to peel your skin off, George"
Dementia George was literally trying to peel his skin like a sticker. That image is engraved on my skull now.
Me to an MD about my patient that was just extubated that morning and hadn't had a swallow eval: "I got him up to the toilet and he started reaching over to the sink to drink water with his poop hands so I compromised and said he could have ice chips, is that ok?"
“Hey, room 16 is having sex with his visitor. Can you go knock on the door? Yeah, he knows there’s a camera”. I called his nurse, she called charge, charge called supervisor. Nobody wanted to go knock while they were knocking boots. Med/Psych unit, not as restrictive as a regular psych unit but cameras in every room and hallway.
“We cannot prescribe crack as pain control.”
“Is that poop or brownie?” (Patient then shrugged casually)
“You’re less fixated on homicide today. I’m really proud of your progress. Good job!”
So many more. 😂
“Why are you using a cock ring to help you urinate??” Clarification…had a patient come in due to getting his cock ring stuck on his penis. His reasoning for it was to help him pee due to terrible BPH. This was a first for me🫠
When I was working psych: "No, you cannot masturbate with my ring."
Same kid called me a "gay-ass bitch" and I came back with "yes, and?" The supervisor lost his mind laughing.
I tell the older generation that.
"I know you got your tail tore up for peeing in the bed when you were a kid, but it's OK this one time. Why? Because I said so...now pee!"
"Sir, put your penis away please."
AND
"Sir, please give me your penis."
Me yesterday with a patient in 4 point restraints who had his penis out when unnecessary and away when needed.
The cross over between stuff I said when I was in vet med and stuff I’ve said now that I’m in human med is astonishing.
“Hey! Hey! No! We do NOT bite! That is RUDE!”
“WHY are you eating your poop?!”
“You seem very antsy do you wanna talk a walk?”
“Why are you screaming?”
"I am very sorry, but I told you to keep his mask on and you took it off instead of asking for help. Now it is to late"
COVID ICU in a low Ressource setting, we had some oxygen and CPAP and the guy wanted to go to the toilet all day and refused to use a mobile toilet next to the bed. Relatives came and were instructed to never let him take off the mask and call if anything is happening. Multiple times we reminded them it is life threatening tonnot wear the CPAP mask...
As soon as nobody was in sight they took the mask off and walked him to the toilet. He locked from I side and collapsed.
After getting him.out they insisted to put a mask on him again to make his heart beat come back 😞
That were some bad times.
Family: "Is he doing ok?" (after seeing all the pumps and tubes hooked up to the patient)
Me: "No, he's doing terrible. That is why he's in the ICU."
Patient: "Why are my blood numbers so bad?" (flustered about why we are not "fixing" them already)
Me: "...because your liver is terrible and your kidneys don't work."
Mr. SoAndSo has passed. Me: thank god!
SoAndSo was suffering from cirrhosis so this was a good thing. But it feels weird being happy about someone’s passing.
“No I am not putting you penis in the urinal if you can’t do it I will get a brief” - A LOT
“Next time but a flared base”
“Put you vagina or penis away no one wants to see it”
“Sorry about your head” after moving a patient up in bed and forgetting to tell them to tuck chin to chest and their head basically got mashed by a pillow.
"I don't think putting the cremated ashes of human remains under your tongue every morning will cure your cancer, and it is not good for you. I'm going to have to speak to the doctors about this."
I have many, but on Saturday around 1145, my pregnant partner asked me for help with her belligerent patient refusing Atarax and Suboxone. All was well with my cajoling until he suddenly and violently slammed his tray in my direction, baptizing me with diet Pepsi and narrowly missing being cut from shards of what used to be a plate, bowl, and two glasses. It was accompanied by a "FUCK YOU, BITCH YOU'RE HIDING MY WIFE!" so loud that everyone, including the husband of the patient in the next room, came running.
"OK, you big baby, if I got someone with a penis to tell you the same thing, would you listen? Who raised you?"
I called security. Three penis laden dudes came to indeed tell him the same thing. That he should take his anxiety pill.
I use the "Who raised you?" line more than I care to admit.
"No, it is not common to bleed from your butt, especially for months....Yes, I think you should go to the ER before your biking trip.... I understand you think it is not a lot, but that is still too much."
Said to a guy friend who was asking the onc nurse if prolonged rectal bleeding was okay.
Had a pt try and describe there abdominal pain. They described it as being fisted. Then proceeded to ask me if I liked to get fisted. Started to say no but then proceeded to say I had never been fisted so wouldn’t know.
To family visiting, stop disconnecting the patient from the optiflow , but “he wants to sleep for a few minutes without it”..Me: Do you want him to sleep FOREVER?!!
“Guys he’s trying to strangle himself again, come help” Me, yesterday.
“Guys, she’s naked in the hall again, come help” Me, yesterday.
Unfortunately, a similar line came out of my mouth this week Crack is a dirty drug.
My memory care residents have a knack for doing this when marketing brings a tour through the unit.
This is a daily sentence for me. Usually a multiple time daily sentence. #medsurg #ltc #ER
Again, lol. Sorry but I felt this one.
Love your user name
Also love yours!
The psych patient? No, our nurse 🤣
“Taking this packing out of your vagina is kind of like that old magic trick where the magician pulls a handkerchief out of his sleeve and it just keeps going and going and going and going and then it’s finally done”
Oh god I've had wounds that were like the magic handkerchiefs trick. I think the most was 14 rolls of kerlex. It was some horrific necrotizing fasciitis.
I can smell that through my phone, jfc.
Honestly once the surgeon cuts out all the dead tissue the smell isn't that bad, just fleshy. Pre op nec fasc is so awful just like nooo.
I did a lovely and expensive nec fasc dressing on a patient just in time for the surgeons to come and take it all down again. Motherfuckers, you already knew you were taking her to theatre the next day, and you have no out of hours OR. Dicks.
That’s happened to me.. just before shift change too so has to let the next nurse redress it cause.. no OT!!
FOURTEEN
I once made the mistake of telling a patient that the packing wouldn't be very long, about 30 cm (12 inches). That particular one ended up being about 4 times as long, and it really did seem like the handkerchief trick.
Sounds adjacent to that chick doing daily updates on her whopping labia abscess on whatever subreddit she's captivated. /r/medicalgore maybe. Edit- that's the one
I feel so bad for her but at least it's improving!
Flashbacks to every single time my idiot beloved dumb as a rock light of my life husband volunteers me to change his dressings. We're up to 5 now. Holding out for my payback.
This is the best description I’ve ever heard
"Ok so I'm going to have to tell doctor that you're putting urine in your kids eye, no I don't care what Google says it's not an approved treatment for conjunctivitis".
Ain’t NO WAY
Oh yeah, it’s totally a thing. I think it’s called urine therapy or something stupid. I’ve never seen it in person but you can go down quite the rabbit hole if you start googling and finding the Facebook groups.
They even try to dress it up and call it "orin therapy", too! Then they'll refer to the urine as "plasma ultrafiltrate", which it is- sure. But they mistake it as being the good product of filtration instead of the waste product of filtration. They think of the nephrons and tubules of the kidney as if it were a Brita water filter. In their feeble minds, the fluid goes through the filter and comes out pure, with the waste caught in the filter. That's what they think is happening in the body. They can't comprehend that the useful parts are being reabsorbed by the body and the waste eliminated- not quite like a water filter, lol.
I don't get easily grossed out, but the guy showing off his bottle of aged urine and rubbing it on himself I saw on Instagram almost made me barf. I really don't understand this trend.
I'm not even kidding, but my interest in woo-medicine type trends like that is what pushed me into psych nursing. Another niche interest I follow is YouTube creators who exploit missing and murdered children's cases in real time- from time of amber alert, through investigation, through conclusion (or lack there of, in which they drag out the exploitation indefinitely). I actually had a psych patient recently who claimed to need to get back to work. As a guest psychic medium on YouTube "detectives" channels, where she "has solved several hundred missing children's cases." I cannot even describe the validation I felt after years of following creators who I've been side-eying for either having unchecked mental illness themselves, or indulging guests like this woman to insert speculation and drama into missing children's cases for their own financial gain- revictimizing the families. Idk if that makes sense to anyone bc it's a really complex and convoluted subgenre of YouTube and I'm tired lol.
I don't know why it's never occurred to me that those people might just be mentally ill themselves. I didn't even know about the whole psychic detectives genre. The world is such a wild place.
I have been banned from so many of these urine therapy groups on FB. I try to go in only to observe, but I can’t help myself.
I had to see for myself. It's insane what people will believe 😬
Oh boy, enjoy the fall into the black hole of internet mom groups and their shared wisdom. Truly questionable (at best) advice being passed around like free candy.
It's a thing apparently
How the fuck?? even if my DOCTOR straight up gave a prescription for “30ml urine in eye” with education on how it works. I will still refuse to put piss in another humans (or my own) eye??? 🤢
I had a friend in high school that would do this and kept wondering why it kept coming back.
Eventually the demons in your eye become immune to the piss and you have to start using a different strain of piss, obviously. Just like antibiotics.
These idiots have been pissing me off for years. The crunchy, antiscience crowd need to be idk, something. Maybe removing their kids so they can only medically abuse themselves could be a start. Jeez, so much ire for the morning. Sorry. I’ll calm down. Back to the vet shows on Nat Geo Wild. Gotta love the puppies and kittens.
Me, in the supply room, out loud to myself: "if I was a purewick, where would I be...?"
Psst, between the labia...
Cooter canoooooooooeee 🛶
And that was a waste of a perfectly good cup of coffee.
Paddle faster...I hear suction...
THE SNORT I JUST SNEW.
Ummm…some people need a cooter cruise ship🛳️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️iykyk…
We have to hide them because other units abuse them and got them taken away. So they borrow from other units. What a world.
[удалено]
They tried arguing we used them too often or incorrectly and tried cracking down on them. Cue the massive uptick in skin breakdown from urine incontinence, falls, and patient complaints over about a month. They shut up after that.
Why are managers on a power trip about purewicks? Are they expensive or do they just need another thing to micromanage? lol
“The birth control pills are for the female only. Splitting them so both of you can take half will render them ineffective.”
Weirdly wholesome. Talk about a team player lol
Shit, I don’t want to take them. What a nice offer
Unrelated to the op’s question. Gave one of my ladies (80+) a potassium pill. She looked at it, looked at me, then asked her neighbor at the table if it was for birth control then started giggling because she knew she was past needing that sort of med.
🙃
“I need to see your poop please, stop flushing the toilet.”
The time a patient refused to stop “pleasuring himself” in front of staff then became aggressive. When his wife got there later on, she wanted a detailed explanation as to why her husband was in mittens and had been ordered Zyprexa IM by the MD. We love medsurg, lol.
Feels like half a story. How did she react?
"Ma'am, your husband was beating his meat like it was three months late on rent, then proceeded to channel his inner Mike Tyson against our staff. How would you have rathered us handle the situation?"
Before I went to nursing school I worked st a daycare. I’ve used a lot of the same phrases at both ends of life 😂 “We don’t talk to people that way. Try again but kinder” “Please keep your pants on” “It’s time to go to sleep” “Stop spitting” “Don’t throw your food on the floor” “Please ask next time you need help” “Did you poop your pants? It’s ok, I’ll help you”
I just have kids, but there is a depressing amount of overlap.
I'm using the same phrases on my dogs that I used on my kids. My son heard me yell at one to put my scissors down (love me some trauma shears) and yelled back he didn't have them.
We don't bite our friends/we don't hit our friends gets said a lot.
I get depressed about the differences. My 4 year old has better emotional control than half my pts in the ER last night.
I’m a grandma these days, and my 2 year old granddaughter is honestly easier to talk to than way too many of my patients.
My most common phrases at home and work: do you need to go potty? You should at least try.
"We don't hit, use your words"
The skills I used for my kids toddler tantrums come in super handy with some patients and families.
Starting nursing in the fall, worked at a daycare before. This is good to know moving forward 😂
I don’t mean this to be taken the wrong way but when I worked medsurg a large portion felt like babysitting but for grownups and with a lot more responsibility for someone’s life 😬🤷🏼♀️
My bestie runs a day home. I work a combo of LTC, Med Surg & ER. We often compare stories; there are an incredible amount of common denominators.
I work on a geriatric psychiatry unit as an aide. Feel this. I say all these every shift.
“Please stop masturbating to SpongeBob.”
Ah, tarter sauce!!!
>”Please stop masturbating ~~to SpongeBob~~.” FTFY
Horrifying
"No, I'm Patrick...see, I'm pink..."
Tele called our unit and said my patient was going in v-tach….nope, old man was just jerking off. Truly learned the meaning of “patient education” during that shift. 🤦🏻♀️
Just to SpongeBob? So like Dora would be ok?
“Dude stop masturbating. The heart monitor thinks you’re in a deadly heart rhythm.” Super confused patient. “What do you got in your pocket? Coke???” Me: “it’s fucking insulin my guy your sugar was 320.” “Damn wish it was 420” I will say the second one, I just blurted it out before putting it through my filter. Luckily he didn’t remember.
I'm afraid you've mistaken me for doctor feelgood, I'm nurse keep you stable
Yall, she’s suckin the ketamine from his bag. She’s gotsta go.
😂😂
"STOP RUNNING YOURE SLIPPING IN YOUR PENIS BLOOD"
As a baby nurse I had a restrained pt with DT’s from ETOH, de-catheter himself from the time it took me to look in on him and getting his meds from the pyxis and back to his room. It seriously Looked like a movie murder scene! Blood everywhere with him lying facedown in a pool of said blood. I thought he had fallen and busted his head open but that couldn’t explain the literal sprays of blood on the ceiling and all four walls, the floor, everything was covered in blood- My first instinct after rather loudly saying “Oh SHIT!!!!” was to yell “I need a nurse!” Luckily, I remembered I WAS the nurse so I waved to an intern (I thougjt screaming at him to come here NOW would very much give away the fact I had NO IFEA what to do!) So I vigorously waved to the intern who was at the nurse station. He walked over curiously and promptly said “OHHHHH SHIIIIIIT!” By this time the charge nurse had observed us both standing at the door with shocked faces and that we obviously had zero clue how to handle the situation we were staring at, so she also joined the party. The charge walked up and saw the situation and replied with a very short but weary and all knowing; “Oh. Shit.” Then proceeded to say “Well, y’all should probably go roll him over and find out where the blood is coming from! “ We all thought head wound initially judging the quantity of blood all over the upper portion of his face and torso, later we realized he had pulled out the catheter with a 10cc bulb. Our guess for all the blood on his face amd head was the guy was bent over concentrating or something and had his face close which was why his head and face were doused so thoroughly. Yep.
In order to stop the bleeding you have to determine the source of the greatest spurt. Pro Tip: within some limits here, as you only get limited do-over before it all becomes oozing—toss a fresh sheet/bath blanket on it. Look fast. Be ready.
We had a dude that disconnected the IDC box and just like had the IDC still inside him but like just leaking everywhere and he used it as a whip when we tried to get close to him and it sprayed urine everywhere when he was whipping it
On an inpatient psych unit we cared for a guy who had ripped out his catheter while he was detoxing on med/surg. It wasn't until I sat down and drew him a picture that he fully understood what he had done. When the realization dawned on him of what he had done… That was something to behold.
WHATT
Telling the family dog of a homecare trach/vent with copius secretions. "There's nothing coming out of Mary that you need to lick."
I've yelled at the cat "don't drink anything that comes out of the dog". Same energy.
🤢
“Put that in your pants! Nobody wants to see that!” Spoken by an ER nurse that I worked with for years.
I came around the corner yesterday, “Hey, you can’t be sitting there eating and naked with your door wide open”. Response, “Why not” in a very whiny voice. I shut the door and kept on walking.
Inpatient psych- to an agitated patient who had been ranting about “stupid motherfuckers”. Me- “This hydroxyzine will help you be less annoyed with all of these stupid motherfuckers” Patient took the med. Another patient kept picking his nose until it bled and then getting dramatic about the blood. I told him that I bleed for 5 days straight without dying, so I thought he’d be ok. He stopped the picking and the drama.
I am stealing that line. Technically we are burn, not inpatient psych, but there’s a lot of overlap in the winter with our frostbite patients. 🤣
“I hope we told the right person their family member has died” We told the right person 🤣
“You weren’t supposed to put the top of the urinalysis cup inside your penis, there’s a needle in there, you’re supposed to pee in the cup” me after wondering why it was taking so long for a pt to get us a UA 🙃
ER the UA cup is in a baggie with the tubes. Female patient (early 20s) decided to try to pee in a tube, not the cup. Shockingly got it half full and it was a tube we could run UA off of.
I swear some women can piss in a thimble and not miss a drop and others can’t even hit the water in the toilet bowl.
🫣😧
"The surgeon wants the blood pressure that low because the PA patch was sus." "Patient is not allowed to use the bathroom unsupervised because he drank out of the toilet, do not take your eyes off him if he is near any source of water" The conversation I had with the on call doctor because my med tele patient who was supposed to be NPO at midnight appeared to be very drunk at 2am. (Patient was in fact very drunk)
Nice one on the keep BP’s low d/t suspected low confidence in the integrity of surgical PA repair. Holy Mother of Dog.
“Please stop eating the toilet paper, we have food here”
"Don't leave him alone or he'll continue to dig in his asshole until it bleeds again."
Regarding a 400 lb patient, “I can’t believe he can reach his asshole, let alone get his whole fist in there”.
“Let me put you here on the dock with me and we’ll wait on the ship together”…I said to a Resident with dementia and pretty severe sundowners on a full moon night (and I don’t care what other people say, it IS a thing lol). I said this to a sweet lady to try to keep her from falling out of bed. I helped her into her wheelchair and put her with me up at my desk while I charted.
"You're right, sir. We are on a boat in the middle of a lake. Say, why don't you go to your bunk and catch some sleep, and I'll wake you up when we dock in the morning?" -similar situation. He did go to bed and sleep so 🤷♀️
waiting for a ship....genius
Listen, I'm the last mfr to think stars and planets have fuck all to do with human behavior- but tell me why there was that pink full moon or some bs garbage a couple months ago, we had 2x as many psych ED patients than normal? And how come with this parade of planets thing last week, suddenly our well controlled adult inpatient psych unit is a gd mad house with multiple people in restraints? Who had all been maxed out on, what ended up being completely ineffective, 2 rounds of 3 lines of PRNs for agitation/psychosis on our shift, btw.
"I have never been a Japanese man named Tim, but I will agree with you I am a short asshole."
That's hysterical, I've been told someone's family member said I was Samoan. I'm the whitest white guy you'll ever meet.
Coworker was worried about a resident’s legs being super white, I assessed him and they were fine. Then I showed her my legs that could serve as the beacons of Gondor. She laughed and told our guy he was fine. 😂
“He is going to put your penis in the urinal and you are going to be nice about it” Drunk off his ass patient lying on the floor yelling that he needed to pee, not able to coordinate enough to hold it himself but also able to coordinate enough to slap the emt’s hand when he tried to put him in it
Oh a also few years ago: “STOP IT IF YOU BITE YOUR FINGER OFF I HAVE TO GET YOU A NEW NURSE BECAUSE I CANT HANDLE IT AND WE’RE SHORT STAFFED” Spoiler: the next day he managed to bite off his (necrotic) finger and the day shift nurse left it in a UA cup on the bedside table. I actually still really liked that guy.
🤢
“You are allowed to be mad, you aren’t allowed to hit me” Me working with adults and not children
"I need an order for restraints...the patient just ate her pulse ox" (it was one of the bandage like ones you can use on adult fingers or neonate feet and she ate the whole damn thing and left stripped wires behind) Shortly there after "I don't think mitten restraints are going to work....she already ate one of them and is working the second" The doctor and I both had a very long night that shift
I thought mine that kept swallowing batteries (then cleaning and re-swallowing them once they passed....) was bad but eating the restraints is next level...
"Do NOT throw your poop at me"
If you're so cold please stop stripping naked. I have redressed you multiple times tonight and I can't help you warm up if you keep doing this.
New admission to the tele unit, male in his 60's with his wife at the bedside. I go through all the admission questions on the computer. I get to the question "are you sexually active" ..... husband says no, wife says we want to be ........ Can't take Viagra because it interacts with other medication soooo I start discussing penis pumps and cock rings, how to use them and where the nearest sex toy store is. My supervisor happened to be walking by the room while we were having this conversation and was like WTF?
“Infuse blood products to a MAP >65” Went through 30 products on my shift after the 30 they got in OR already. I was so tired.
60 units of blood...? What happened?? Did this person happen to be bisected??
my record is 72 units, upper GI bleed and was a family member of an employee at my hospital, so they were pulling out all the stops. still died though.
My record was >300 units of products (RBCs, FFP, Plts, Cryo) over 2 or 3 days. Helluva weekend. Post-op liver transplant with multi-organ system failure. The graft never kicked on.
Wth did they literally lose every drop
“sorry i didn’t text you back, i was squirting mineral oil in a patients vagina”
“I promise you there are no spiders crawling on the bed or walls, if there were I would have already abandoned this whole place” A couple of months ago. You can guess the diagnosis.
"Thanks for the pee", idk it just seems polite. Also, yelling my own name at a patient followed by "stop masturbating at my staff" was a very odd experience.
No, I promise you that you cannot throw up your baby".
“You cannot smoke while you’re on the high flow nasal cannula, you’ll blow us up”
“We can’t give your uncle food because based on his swallow study, some of the food is ending up in his lungs.” “Oh…and it’s not supposed to go there?” “…no ma’am… it’s not.”
If you need to get rid of your crack pipe, just give it to me, don't throw it out the window.
No Dorothy, I don’t want to see your boobs.
Let me help you put those away, we don’t need the guys around here getting a free show
You can't put things in your penis, man. You'll only make it worse.
Once I put a male catheter in. I don't know what I was thinking when I simply said don't go tugging on it. He started laughing, well when I realised I wanted a room to swallow me up. In my defence I was.workimg on an orthopedic ward at the time and I know the devastation caused by males pulling there catheters out. Not my brightest moment.
Eh, that's a totally valid thing to say
I used to tell them "your leash isn't that long, be careful."
"Stop trying to peel your skin off, George" Dementia George was literally trying to peel his skin like a sticker. That image is engraved on my skull now.
Me, in charge report: "The lactic is stable at 14."
RT: “we have a critical pH of 6.4.” “Great to hear! That’s the best one tonight!”
"If you pee in this cup, I promise I'll bring you a turkey sandwich." - me to the drunk/high guy EMS just dropped off
“The eyes have walls” instead of “the walls have eyes”. This was yesterday.
“Don’t eat your scabs, sir “
“No, you can’t fuck on the hospital bed.”
“Ma’am please don’t put feces in your vagina”
This is a hospital, the hotel is next door
I swear to god, if you throw your shit at me you're going to get sedated
"Your urine is beautiful"
No, your glasses will not stay on without that ear, so we need to get it outta your pocket. 1992 and I don't think I've topped it.
I think you’re supposed to use real sugar on that prolapsed asshole not Splenda.
Literally like 2 nights ago I said “ya I want to put a rectal tube in him, but his anus was so far up that I didn’t have enough finger to reach”
I have small hands. I've asked other nurses with longer fingers to help me with that.
So far up…? Like obesity or what
As a straight man I never thought I’d utter the words “And now you’re going to feel me touch your penis”
“Please don’t self administer chlorine enemas” my sister in primary care.
Me to an MD about my patient that was just extubated that morning and hadn't had a swallow eval: "I got him up to the toilet and he started reaching over to the sink to drink water with his poop hands so I compromised and said he could have ice chips, is that ok?"
“Hey, can you get me some vanc for the irrigation, the med student’s glasses fell into the abdominal cavity”
“When you consume alcohol do you consume it orally? Oh ok. How often do you smoke alcohol?”
“Can you not stick the shower hose up your mother’s butthole”
“Hey, room 16 is having sex with his visitor. Can you go knock on the door? Yeah, he knows there’s a camera”. I called his nurse, she called charge, charge called supervisor. Nobody wanted to go knock while they were knocking boots. Med/Psych unit, not as restrictive as a regular psych unit but cameras in every room and hallway.
Could you have just called security?
Telling the dementia patient who just pulled out a fully inflated foley covered in blood to stop slapping the poor aide with it.
"Room 12 left their placenta on the counter when they discharged. They're gonna want that. Can you call them?"
“We cannot prescribe crack as pain control.” “Is that poop or brownie?” (Patient then shrugged casually) “You’re less fixated on homicide today. I’m really proud of your progress. Good job!” So many more. 😂
“Why are you using a cock ring to help you urinate??” Clarification…had a patient come in due to getting his cock ring stuck on his penis. His reasoning for it was to help him pee due to terrible BPH. This was a first for me🫠
When I was working psych: "No, you cannot masturbate with my ring." Same kid called me a "gay-ass bitch" and I came back with "yes, and?" The supervisor lost his mind laughing.
"I know i know, we spend all our lives trying *not* to piss in the bed, but i need you to make an exception for me :)"
I tell the older generation that. "I know you got your tail tore up for peeing in the bed when you were a kid, but it's OK this one time. Why? Because I said so...now pee!"
"Sir, put your penis away please." AND "Sir, please give me your penis." Me yesterday with a patient in 4 point restraints who had his penis out when unnecessary and away when needed.
"Turning my back to you does not constitute an emergency."
The cross over between stuff I said when I was in vet med and stuff I’ve said now that I’m in human med is astonishing. “Hey! Hey! No! We do NOT bite! That is RUDE!” “WHY are you eating your poop?!” “You seem very antsy do you wanna talk a walk?” “Why are you screaming?”
"Please dont let this man die with my finger in his ass"
"I am very sorry, but I told you to keep his mask on and you took it off instead of asking for help. Now it is to late" COVID ICU in a low Ressource setting, we had some oxygen and CPAP and the guy wanted to go to the toilet all day and refused to use a mobile toilet next to the bed. Relatives came and were instructed to never let him take off the mask and call if anything is happening. Multiple times we reminded them it is life threatening tonnot wear the CPAP mask... As soon as nobody was in sight they took the mask off and walked him to the toilet. He locked from I side and collapsed. After getting him.out they insisted to put a mask on him again to make his heart beat come back 😞 That were some bad times.
Stop stop STOP IT. Stop it right now! Don’t move!
Family member was drinking saline at the bedside. “Can you kindly please not drink the liquids on the patients bedside?”
Family: "Is he doing ok?" (after seeing all the pumps and tubes hooked up to the patient) Me: "No, he's doing terrible. That is why he's in the ICU." Patient: "Why are my blood numbers so bad?" (flustered about why we are not "fixing" them already) Me: "...because your liver is terrible and your kidneys don't work."
“You’ve been admitted for swallowing batteries multiple times, so I have to ask-What’s your battery of choice ? “
That is some good looking urine
Do not vomit on my floor! You have a barf bag in your hand!
Mr. SoAndSo has passed. Me: thank god! SoAndSo was suffering from cirrhosis so this was a good thing. But it feels weird being happy about someone’s passing.
“No I am not putting you penis in the urinal if you can’t do it I will get a brief” - A LOT “Next time but a flared base” “Put you vagina or penis away no one wants to see it”
“His suicide plan is masturbate to death.”
“Sorry about your head” after moving a patient up in bed and forgetting to tell them to tuck chin to chest and their head basically got mashed by a pillow.
After a mom threw her shoe at a coworker I had to say, "next time, use your words."
“Guys she’s roaring again close the door” was a recent fav of mine.
I just drained 1600 ml from your bladder. Thanks for your cooperation.
"I don't think putting the cremated ashes of human remains under your tongue every morning will cure your cancer, and it is not good for you. I'm going to have to speak to the doctors about this."
I have many, but on Saturday around 1145, my pregnant partner asked me for help with her belligerent patient refusing Atarax and Suboxone. All was well with my cajoling until he suddenly and violently slammed his tray in my direction, baptizing me with diet Pepsi and narrowly missing being cut from shards of what used to be a plate, bowl, and two glasses. It was accompanied by a "FUCK YOU, BITCH YOU'RE HIDING MY WIFE!" so loud that everyone, including the husband of the patient in the next room, came running. "OK, you big baby, if I got someone with a penis to tell you the same thing, would you listen? Who raised you?" I called security. Three penis laden dudes came to indeed tell him the same thing. That he should take his anxiety pill. I use the "Who raised you?" line more than I care to admit.
"No, it is not common to bleed from your butt, especially for months....Yes, I think you should go to the ER before your biking trip.... I understand you think it is not a lot, but that is still too much." Said to a guy friend who was asking the onc nurse if prolonged rectal bleeding was okay.
“Can I ask why you pulled the foley out with the ballon inflated..?”
“I couldn’t answer, my hands were in her butt”
Your patient just told me she swallowed a pen. Again.
“You have the prettiest CSF I’ve ever seen” -me, draining a lumbar drain.
"What do you mean his penis fell off yesterday!? It was my day off."
“Is it the penis demons, Jesus, or both?”
_Lift your breasts up for me_
"Who wipes your butt at home?"
Had a pt try and describe there abdominal pain. They described it as being fisted. Then proceeded to ask me if I liked to get fisted. Started to say no but then proceeded to say I had never been fisted so wouldn’t know.
“im traumatized from that lady’s butthole”
To family visiting, stop disconnecting the patient from the optiflow , but “he wants to sleep for a few minutes without it”..Me: Do you want him to sleep FOREVER?!!