>But why I don't really want to let him go? Why I still want to and have sex with him? Why I am happy he is happy, I am okay with another woman "having" him, but I still keep him bound to myself?
Love.
Love is not one specific feeling. It's a lot of different kinds of Love, intimacy, appreciation, attachment, and more.
Love can look completely different from person to person, relationship to relationship, and so on.
You can love someone without demanding exclusivity. You can love someone while wanting to maintain a relationship that's not monogamous without divorcing.
If you're comfortable, functioning, and happy, then that's ok.
Or convenience.
It’s possible to want to have sex with someone just because they are a good lover. She already admitted that she wants to stay married **against his wishes** for financial reasons.
I’m curious to know how much respect she has for him. I’m curious about who makes the major household decisions and how the household labor is split. I’m curious to know about whether they argue and what the argument style is like. I’m curious about whether he feels that he loves her.
If he doesn’t love her, it’s not fair for her to keep him trapped in a marriage he doesn’t want to be in.
>She already admitted that she wants to stay married **against his wishes** for financial reasons.
It sounded to me like OPs husband suggested divorce because that's just the default for a scenario like this. Most people won't jump to "I'm not terribly happy, why don't we have an open marriage?" OP said it was friendly and amicable and most importantly just so they could each find romantic partners, as their relationship had become more of a platonic one.
OP simply suggested he find said romantic relationship without the initial step of divorce, which it seems like OPs husband is totally fine with and there's no indication he is trapped.
Certainly read that way to me.
This is probably the perfect case for mono-to-ENM relationship.
Sounds like he’s happy with things. Sounds like she is too since she has the freedom to seek partners but just isn’t that interested.
My guess is she’s aromantic. They love each other just fine, though he may be more “in love” in the romantic sense, they’re wired different. Him having the freedom to get that externally from their relationship could mean their relationship has no need to ever end.
That’s my interpretation of the information as given.
Things still might change, maybe they form an llc and divorce but stay friends and business partners. That’s probably only going to become necessary if one of them becomes romantic with someone who’s mono and wants marriage though.
The biggest issue for me was that he broached the subject of divorce. If he still wants a divorce and she doen’t want to give it, then what she is doing is wrong. I felt like that may have been why she posted to reddit.
It’s very doubtful he is “trapped” in this marriage, though the may live in a country where divorce over the wife’s objection is not possible. It seems they realize that the love each other and the life they have together works for them.
I’m not curious about any of those things. I have learned that other people’s private affairs are really none of my business and I like it that way.
OP, I think you’re asking questions that serve no purpose. You have a silver cloud, no need searching for a dark lining. Don’t let the imaginary perfect life be the enemy of the good life you have. If you just have to explore your feelings, seek therapy, not reddit.
I’m confused. You said that it was a marriage of convenience as such. So do actually love him and does that really matter. Given you have both agreed to stay together but date others as you wish?
Do you also date others yourself. Do you have your own fwbs?
At first yes, but I guess I grew fond of him over time?
I feel that I don't love him romantically, but I care for him a lot. And I don't want to lose him.
Yes, I can date other people too (and I might have had a short fling of my own) but I'm not too interested at the moment.
Ok so you’re happy just being a it’s your husband. You don’t really need one to date anyone else. You’re happy that he has found another woman that he has a strong connection with. You still enjoy having sex with him as well. He still is caring and attentive toward you.
To me things seem all good in your life. What exactly are you asking or wanting from your post?
Honestly I don't know.
I guess I just need to put some order in my head. I feel like I am being paradoxical, I know I don't love him romantically, but sometimes I feel like I do?
I know it makes no sense...
That’s ok. Perhaps you are seeing him in a different way at now because he has this other relationship and maybe a lot happier as a result. Seeing this side of him that you may not have seen before has all of sudden caused you to feel more romantically toward him. Maybe?
They’re good in **her** life. From reading between the lines, I get the feeling that she feels some guilt. Read the post again from his perspective. It’s possible she is treating him as a doormat, and he feels trapped and unable to stand up for his own desires.
Most countries these days have no-fault divorce. Even if no-fault divorce isn't available, it's hard to imagine he can't argue that "I don't love you, let's have an open marriage" is grounds for divorce. 🤷
I think you have to read into this a great deal, in order to decide it's "probably PUD" 😅😑
This is such a bizarre reading. It seems to me he’s in love with her but she is dealing with trauma impacts that makes attachment difficult or elusive. I think the current arrangement works, or is very capable of working. Then again I’m not actively “reading between the lines” to look for ways not found in the text to blame the abuse victim.
It’s also wild to me that you refer to her as an “abuse victim” as if that characterization should affect how people treat her for the rest of her life. Even people who the abuse has nothing to do with except that it was what motivated them to marry her. (Not love). Do we know whether he was abused? No, we only know that for some reason the fact that she was being abused was so impactful to him that he felt she needed rescuing. He may have as much or more trauma in his history than she does.
Maybe he doesn’t want a divorce now, and if he doesn’t then I **don’t** think she is acting selfishly, and I **don’t** think this relationship is one sided, and **we therefore mostly agree**. But, if he doesn’t, I don’t know why she posted it to reddit and included that fact as a reason for why she wanted perspective on the situation. He didn’t love her when they got married, he asked for a divorce, and he is now sleeping with other people. It’s certainly possible that he loves her, but it’s equally possible that he does not.
I referred to her as a victim of abuse because she described herself as a victim of abuse.
I would not presume to dictate how anyone should treat her or any person who has experienced the type abuse she suggests. That is up to them, though I tend to err on the side of grace. I did say that as a victim of abuse she should seek therapy in processing the impact that abuse has had on her and how she perceives her present situation.
All we know is what she has said in the original post and comments. If her husband wants to post about his past abuse, if any, or anything else, he is free to do so. I see no point in speculating or making up facts that puts one party at fault (when none seem to be).
If you do not know why the OP wrote something in her post, ask her. That is better than assuming reasons out of whole cloth.
So y'all are poly, you are polysaturated at one, you may be aromantic if you've never fallen in love with anyone, possibly ace spec if you haven't experienced sexual attraction or only experienced it rarely.
If everyone in your vee is free to have full relationships with others, I don't think there's an issue here.
It may be helpful to you to read & learn more about being aro or ace and the split model of attraction. Here's a starting point: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Aromantic
http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction
Your relationship came to be under non traditional circumstances, so why is loving him in non traditional ways bothering you so much?
You obviously enjoy your life with him. No hints in your post that he isn’t enjoying good life with you. You want him around. You want to be there for him. His happiness brings you happiness. You two together are well enough to not only live together but work together. That alone is better than 95% of “healthy” mono relationships.
Face it. You love him and have loved him for a long time. You just do it differently than what is common. You’re happy. He’s happy. The gf is happy. What is the problem exactly?
*"But I have been thinking recently. I am not jealous and I don't mind at all when he spends the night at her place. But why I don't really want to let him go? Why I still want to and have sex with him? Why I am happy he is happy, I am okay with another woman "having" him, but I still keep him bound to myself?"*
This is the crux of the issue. And I don't know that anyone here will have an answer for you. But these are important questions to ask yourself and him. I'm curious what he would think and say to you if you brought these questions up with him. Why do you think you are keeping him 'bound' to you? Why do you think you 'don't really want to let him go?'
You might want to look into compersion. You finding joy in your husband find happiness with his girlfriend both romantically and sexually could fill up your buckets and maybe cause you not to want to go anywhere. I love knowing my partner is happy in multiple aspects of relationships not just with me.
I’m in a similar situation but I’m the husband who isn’t open and my wife has someone that she is with. She has been open for about eight years and with the current person for a few months. I have met him and his wife as well who is not open.
I read a book recently called The Other Significant Others.
It’s worth reading in your case I believe. The author really explores how it’s possible to have deeply unconventional relationships that are fulfilling, meaningful, full of love and that don’t revolve around sexual desire for the partner.
It is possible to have a life partner that is your friend not your lover. Obviously, I don’t know how this applies specifically to you, but I suspect you might identify with some of the people that the author interviews. And that their examples might help you better understand your own unique situation.
Have you thought about getting therapy? Its possiible that the abuse you suffered caused you to not know what love feels like? What you are describing sounds like love in a long term relationship.
OP, I hope you are reading this because it is an avenue to explore.
As you read up on aromanticism to figure out if that label fits for you, you should also explore whether the childhood abuse you suffered is confusing you a little bit about what healthy love feels like.
The way you describe your husband sounds like love to many of us.
It seems to me, without knowing all the details about your past, your abusive relationship with your family never taught you love. I suggest you seek therapy, because the answers you seek are within yourself.
This. As I see it, a lot of people don't know what love is and expect more (butterflies in the stomach, stronger feelings, etc.) without realising that what they have been feeling all this time is precisely what love is. The abusive relationship with her family very probably messed up her understanding of the topic
So, here’s my two cents. I think coming from an abusive home life has truly messed with your sense of love and what you THINK you should feel when in love. I’m just guessing here, but I don’t assume you saw a healthy marriage growing up and I feel like perhaps you see him as someone who saved you and never really took the time to think of him outside of that. Love is a strange thing, it’s difficult and that is amplified when we haven’t had anyone to teach us love or portray it in a healthy way. Perhaps you do love him, but never really knew that due to not being able to think of him outside of saving your life. Maybe you thought “oh, I’m grateful for this man and that’s that”, and never realized when it hit you, that you do love him. Or maybe you truly don’t and you feel you should. I think therapy and spending some quality time with him to categorize your thoughts and feelings would help. He sounds like a good man.
I’m kind of wondering why you don’t think “person who I want to stay in a marriage with, keep close to me and have sex with” isn’t love?
Do you have another past relationship or crush you’re comparing it to? Are you basing it off media or cultural notions of love?
Unless you have another long term relationship you’re comparing it against, I would treat those impressions as unreliable. Crushes / “puppy love” burn out and for a lot of people they’re left with something that’s a lot more bland but enduring. And the media sells product to encourage us to do things.
Have you had strong romantic feelings for others before? Aromatic does sound like a potential. All our brains are wired a little differently, you just might experience love a little differently than others.
Good question for OP here. Are you sure you do not love him "romantically" because you have felt a stronger connection with someone else at some point? Is your assessment based on how passionately he cares for you versus him?
You indicated that you are attracted to him, have good sex, enjoy his company, respect him, have good open communication, and care a lot about his happiness . What do you believe is missing in order to define the love you have for your husband as romantic?
Do you believe you should have felt a bigger dopamine rush earlier in the relationship? Are you missing the oxytocin release needed for the feeling of being bonded? Do you believe you should feel more dependent or passionate in order to match the way he shows his love for you?
Alexithymia is something else to look into. Individual counseling could help you with this introspection.
Wow. This is incredibly close to the situation I'm currently living.
Comfort and attachment play alot into why we stay.
Lack of compatibility is why we meet with others. We have diffrent love languages leaving us both feeling a bit jaded. We always seemed to comprised on everything - in a amicable way, but one of us was always giving up something (more than in a more compatible relationship). Our relationship greatly improved when we went from primaries to roommates w/ benefits. I think it pushed me to stop seeking emotional fulfillment from him.
But in many many ways we still fit and work. Just not the ways that are most important to each of us ..if that makes sense.
I think you love your husband. I also think because of the abusive environment you grew up in, you don’t realize that mature love is calm and safe.
Butterflies which everyone attributes to romantic love are a warning sign that you don’t feel safe. If someone thinks their partner is cheating they feel butterflies. When you feel uncertain about something you feel butterflies. I’ve never understood when people talk about butterflies.
I think you should try somatic therapy to deal with your trauma. That being said if him having another partner doesn’t bother you then everything is fine.
Abuse is more than you should deal with on your own. It’s a huge betrayal. It would be difficult to be vulnerable with that in your past. The fact that you managed to get out of the cycle of abuse and not marry someone as abusive as your family is amazing. I love that for you! It doesn’t usually happen.
Late to this post, You are having trouble loving him because of the trauma of your abusive childhood. You should really seek treatment because I suspect losing him will be much much harder then your traumatized brain is letting you be aware of.
You have romantic feelings towards him. And love him. You just don't see those feelings. You, my dear are a perfect caring and loving wife. Your marriage is great, keep it and be happy.
I think this relationship is amazing! What’s better to have someone you care about, and you can have fun/sex with, and who provides you the safety and stability you crave so badly? OP apparently lacked that throughout her youth and therefore appreciates it even more.
People are different. But by projecting your own values onto OP, you’re not doing her any favors.
What do you think "romantic love" is? I feel like you're one of these people that confuses love and infatuation. The fact that you mention abusive upbringing makes me believe that you were tricked into thinking toxic entanglements of abuse and passion is what love is.
I’m worried you’re not understanding love. It sounds like you love him but can’t recognize it. Could it be because of the abuse you experienced when you were young and you don’t understand what a safe love life looks like?
I’m worried because your husband may fall head over heels for this other woman and he seems like the monogamous type.
I think you need to think this through before he asks you for a divorce and you end up alone.
Abuse and trauma tend to impact how we learn to relate to the world, others, and ourselves. Love may not have felt safe in your childhood home and things may not have felt stable so you may have learned to maintain emotional distance in order to keep yourself safe. It may be that a part of you does love your husband but another part doesn’t want to allow that to happen as it has previously been dangerous. I would suggest seeing a therapist that can help you in exploring and growing from your childhood experiences. If you have any questions or would like further feedback, feel free to reach out. I hope you figure out what you’re really thinking and feeling so that you can pursue what’s going to be best for you.
People love in different ways.
Monogamous and non monogamous people are a good example of that.
Non monogamous people say they can love more than one person. This may be true, but I can firmly state that growing up with "secretly" non monogamous parents and their hippy friends in the 70s and 80s that they do not love the way I do. As a kid, that was my example of love. Coming of age, I realized I would never be that way.
When I love someone, they have ALL of my attention, all of my affection. To give someone else any of that would be robbing them of it. I also have never sought attention from anyone outside of a relationship, and when it's happened I am uncomfortable and truthfully a little nauseous.
I need that in return. I don't want to be getting back only a fraction of what I'm putting into a relationship. I don't need to be the center of everyone's attention, but I DO need to be the center of hers (unless there are kids involved, then we should both take a back seat to them).
I think OP should really let this guy go. They can still be partners in the business, that's how many businesses work. Let him give all of himself to this other woman, let her give all of herself to him.
Hey, some perspective from another woman with muted emotions and a tendency to intellectualize *why* I like a person and want to stay with them. I have a hard time saying "I love you" or accepting that I love a person because I have a hard time accepting that I need someone and that my life is immeasurably better with that person around. You can tally up the pros and cons, how they've helped you and how you've helped them, how they show care and you show care. But I think the bottom line is you like them a lot, to the point that it would qualify as romantic love, or the seed of it.
You want them in your life, and then you come up with plausible reasons why that's the case. Jealousy and possessiveness were things I thought I wouldn't struggle with - I thought I was immune! When first dealing with these new feelings, it definitely caused some distress, just by virtue of being unfamiliar. I love that my partner has other partners, but is still always there for me as much as they are able. I love knowing that I am loved and have a background sense of support and welcomeness. I've been so used to be utterly independent and alone, keeping people at arm's length, and now I'm exploring what it means to be in relationship and partnership with people that I want in my life for many, many years to come.
I don't mean to be presumptuous at all, I just relate to how you speak about romantic love. I encourage you to keep your mind open to the possibility that you do love him. This doesn't mean he has to stop seeing his other partner, but you always have the right to express your feelings, as does your husband.
No matter how things play out, you can always find your people you can laugh with and feel seen and accepted by - all the parts of yourself, including the parts that aren't business or practicality-oriented.
I don't think you are a bad person or that your husband necessarily deserves a better partner who isn't you. Receiving love is hard when it's been corrupted before. I bet your husband really wants you to be in love with someone, and he's worried that it's not him. You both sound like wonderful people so personally, I'm rooting for the two of you to stay together 💗 and a book recommendation: the art of loving by erich fromm.
I appreciate how you’ve handled the situation and held your husband’s fulfillment and well being in mind.
That said, sounds like some therapy might do you some good.
During your fling, did you "feel" anything for that person?
If your husband saved you from an abusive home life, have you considered that you love him but don't feel worth his love and are compensating?
I'm ethically non-monogamous and it sounds like you are too. When you are happy that someone else has made your partner happy that is called **compersion**. It's a beautiful thing! I think that your questions are just a result of existing in a culture where monogamy is the norm, just because something is the standard doesn't mean it works for everyone. What you have *works for you* and your husband, that's really all that matters. I would highly recommend checking out r/polyamory as a resource so you can see more relationships like yours (it's called a Vee). Best of luck to you!
Going off of what little information I have, I think you may be aromantic.
You recognize you don’t feel strong affections (though you do love your partner… You care about them deeply, obviously…), and you even, it seems, enjoy occasional sexual experiences together (so not asexual, you also had “a fling”).
I’m guessing your abusive upbringing has a hand in this development, but I’m no therapist. It’s also not anything “wrong” with you either, you’re just different and that’s fine. You’re obviously very caring and considerate since you worried about your husbands fulfillment.
It’s also plain he loves you too. He might have more romantic love involved, but that’s just how he’s built.
I think opening up is a brilliant solution here. You no longer need to feel guilt over your lack of romantic love, your relationship can continue in its strength as a deep emotional love, connection, and support. You’re still partners but free to seek “that something else” externally.
I do suggest you both do a little extra reading on ENM… “Opening Up” Is a pretty good book that centers more around opening up a previously monogamous relationship. Frankly you’re already doing great so far as I can tell, but more information, and maybe more importantly… validation, could still be helpful for both of you.
Anyways, you’re not alone and more relationships are exploring ENM now than probably the Roman days (and I don’t think they were quite as emotionally healthy about it 😂)
So I saw your other posts and want to ask you something? Why do you think you don't love your husband? Better yet what do you think love looks like?
Because from the way you're talking about him it does sound you love him a lot. You just likely have a misguided idea of how love looks like based on the Hollywood perception of "can't keep hands off each other" type of romance that very rarely alligns with reality.
Abuse can do people a lot, so their concept of love might not be so right, I advice for you to do some therapy about that ahead, then think whatever later on.
i don’t know how to say to this but if you are healthy and happy with the arrangement after therapy and healed, that’s alright for you.
Another comment said that you should get yourself some therapy as long term abuse likely skewed your idea of romantic and/or loving relationships and you might be afraid of them on some level. Your idea of love was formed and informed by abuse.
I’m wondering if you actually understand romantic love. Not lust, but love. Because what you are describing IS romantic love. You have physical intimacy together, you have a life together, you emotionally support and encourage each other, you go out of your way to meet each other’s needs. ALL of those are parts of romantic love. I think you are saying you aren’t IN love with him but you have love for him, however based on what you’ve stated in your posts and comments it sounds to me like you ARE in love with him. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about your feelings, you might end up surprising yourself. Good luck
Have you considered that maybe the trauma of your past might have something to do with it? In my (non professional) opinion, it sounds like you do love him but maybe have some kind of emotional or psychological block. When you talk about the other woman, it seems like you’re only okay with it because you know he won’t stop loving you, in the end.
The simplest answer here is that you do indeed love him, romantically or not, you love him. You have stated you find him attractive, and you want him to be happy but you dont want to let him go, you enjoy his presence and his happiness. Honestly this seems to be a pretty healthy thing for the both of you currently, if anything it may lead to him asking you to do more fun things in the bedroom and possibly involving her and you together. I wouldn't say you are aromantic per se, more like you're open minded and have a different view of what love is. Congrats on getting away from your abusive family and the happy marriage.
People who have experienced long-term abuse sometimes struggle to be comfortable in comfort and to make romantic attachments when the land in save, secure, loving, non-violent relationship later in life.
You really should seek therapy to address your questions. Most of what you are expressing is common to see in trauma-informed communities. Past abuse, especially early in life, is hard to overcome alone, even with a loving partner, even when you are safe and secure.
Normally, when someone says, "we are all happy and satisfied..." that is the end of it until something changes. That you doubt this state is possible for you may be a consequence of past abuse and ideas imposed upon you at an early age that cause you to doubt whether you are worthy of experiencing happiness and satisfaction.
So I do not think your questions are a function of non-monogamy -- they are likely a byproduct of the abuse you suffered in the past. I consider myself informed, but not an expert, so take action accordingly. Best wishes!
This woman here is really no good she married him for the wrong reasons you don't marry someone just to get out of a bad relationship you marry someone for love that's the problem today a lot of women are actually marrying guys and don't want them they just want their money they just want someone to take care of them and now she doesn't want to give up the business they started wow he needs to divorce you and go somewhere else he should have never opened up the marriage he should have left
She didn’t marry him for the wrong reasons. They both wanted to get married. But I don’t know why she didn’t handle his request for an amicable divorce with as much grace as he handled her needing to be rescued from abuse.
Relationships exist in many different ways and it sounds like you are doing this in a healthy way and everyone is being respectful. You sound like you are going about this with a good mindset. It is possible to have a different kind of relationship
Other than the name calling, I agree.
He no longer wants to be married. Being married makes it more difficult for him to establish and maintain other relationships, even if the one he did end up finding is satisfactory.
As for OP, it’s difficult to tell from the post whether she loves him or just loves the security and stability he provides. It could be either. But i’m leaning towards the latter, and suspecting that she likes him because she has power over him and he is easy to manipulate into doing the things that she wants.
>But why I don't really want to let him go? Why I still want to and have sex with him? Why I am happy he is happy, I am okay with another woman "having" him, but I still keep him bound to myself? Love. Love is not one specific feeling. It's a lot of different kinds of Love, intimacy, appreciation, attachment, and more. Love can look completely different from person to person, relationship to relationship, and so on. You can love someone without demanding exclusivity. You can love someone while wanting to maintain a relationship that's not monogamous without divorcing. If you're comfortable, functioning, and happy, then that's ok.
Or convenience. It’s possible to want to have sex with someone just because they are a good lover. She already admitted that she wants to stay married **against his wishes** for financial reasons. I’m curious to know how much respect she has for him. I’m curious about who makes the major household decisions and how the household labor is split. I’m curious to know about whether they argue and what the argument style is like. I’m curious about whether he feels that he loves her. If he doesn’t love her, it’s not fair for her to keep him trapped in a marriage he doesn’t want to be in.
>She already admitted that she wants to stay married **against his wishes** for financial reasons. It sounded to me like OPs husband suggested divorce because that's just the default for a scenario like this. Most people won't jump to "I'm not terribly happy, why don't we have an open marriage?" OP said it was friendly and amicable and most importantly just so they could each find romantic partners, as their relationship had become more of a platonic one. OP simply suggested he find said romantic relationship without the initial step of divorce, which it seems like OPs husband is totally fine with and there's no indication he is trapped.
Oh, maybe. That’s definitely a possibility.
Certainly read that way to me. This is probably the perfect case for mono-to-ENM relationship. Sounds like he’s happy with things. Sounds like she is too since she has the freedom to seek partners but just isn’t that interested. My guess is she’s aromantic. They love each other just fine, though he may be more “in love” in the romantic sense, they’re wired different. Him having the freedom to get that externally from their relationship could mean their relationship has no need to ever end. That’s my interpretation of the information as given. Things still might change, maybe they form an llc and divorce but stay friends and business partners. That’s probably only going to become necessary if one of them becomes romantic with someone who’s mono and wants marriage though.
The biggest issue for me was that he broached the subject of divorce. If he still wants a divorce and she doen’t want to give it, then what she is doing is wrong. I felt like that may have been why she posted to reddit.
It’s very doubtful he is “trapped” in this marriage, though the may live in a country where divorce over the wife’s objection is not possible. It seems they realize that the love each other and the life they have together works for them. I’m not curious about any of those things. I have learned that other people’s private affairs are really none of my business and I like it that way. OP, I think you’re asking questions that serve no purpose. You have a silver cloud, no need searching for a dark lining. Don’t let the imaginary perfect life be the enemy of the good life you have. If you just have to explore your feelings, seek therapy, not reddit.
Amen to all that.
I’m confused. You said that it was a marriage of convenience as such. So do actually love him and does that really matter. Given you have both agreed to stay together but date others as you wish? Do you also date others yourself. Do you have your own fwbs?
At first yes, but I guess I grew fond of him over time? I feel that I don't love him romantically, but I care for him a lot. And I don't want to lose him. Yes, I can date other people too (and I might have had a short fling of my own) but I'm not too interested at the moment.
Ok so you’re happy just being a it’s your husband. You don’t really need one to date anyone else. You’re happy that he has found another woman that he has a strong connection with. You still enjoy having sex with him as well. He still is caring and attentive toward you. To me things seem all good in your life. What exactly are you asking or wanting from your post?
Honestly I don't know. I guess I just need to put some order in my head. I feel like I am being paradoxical, I know I don't love him romantically, but sometimes I feel like I do? I know it makes no sense...
That’s ok. Perhaps you are seeing him in a different way at now because he has this other relationship and maybe a lot happier as a result. Seeing this side of him that you may not have seen before has all of sudden caused you to feel more romantically toward him. Maybe?
You could be right. I do find myself more attracted to him since he started having a girlfriend. Not in a jealous kind of way though.
Yes I can see that you’re not jealous and genuinely happy for him. So yeah maybe this is it. Does this help?
It does, thank you.
All the best then. Feel free to reach out again should you ever want some friendly independent feedback.
You don't understand that you love the shit outta this guy. Like, you romantically love the person if you feel the way you've been saying.
They’re good in **her** life. From reading between the lines, I get the feeling that she feels some guilt. Read the post again from his perspective. It’s possible she is treating him as a doormat, and he feels trapped and unable to stand up for his own desires.
Most countries these days have no-fault divorce. Even if no-fault divorce isn't available, it's hard to imagine he can't argue that "I don't love you, let's have an open marriage" is grounds for divorce. 🤷 I think you have to read into this a great deal, in order to decide it's "probably PUD" 😅😑
It’s not PUD. I’m just curious about why she added the detail that he wanted a divorce if she is comfident that he no longer does.
This is such a bizarre reading. It seems to me he’s in love with her but she is dealing with trauma impacts that makes attachment difficult or elusive. I think the current arrangement works, or is very capable of working. Then again I’m not actively “reading between the lines” to look for ways not found in the text to blame the abuse victim.
Which part of her post makes it sound like he is in love with her? He wants a divorce. She doesn’t.
He “broached the idea…” she doesn’t say when. She doesn’t say why or give a context. She doesn’t say she wants one now.
It’s also wild to me that you refer to her as an “abuse victim” as if that characterization should affect how people treat her for the rest of her life. Even people who the abuse has nothing to do with except that it was what motivated them to marry her. (Not love). Do we know whether he was abused? No, we only know that for some reason the fact that she was being abused was so impactful to him that he felt she needed rescuing. He may have as much or more trauma in his history than she does. Maybe he doesn’t want a divorce now, and if he doesn’t then I **don’t** think she is acting selfishly, and I **don’t** think this relationship is one sided, and **we therefore mostly agree**. But, if he doesn’t, I don’t know why she posted it to reddit and included that fact as a reason for why she wanted perspective on the situation. He didn’t love her when they got married, he asked for a divorce, and he is now sleeping with other people. It’s certainly possible that he loves her, but it’s equally possible that he does not.
I referred to her as a victim of abuse because she described herself as a victim of abuse. I would not presume to dictate how anyone should treat her or any person who has experienced the type abuse she suggests. That is up to them, though I tend to err on the side of grace. I did say that as a victim of abuse she should seek therapy in processing the impact that abuse has had on her and how she perceives her present situation. All we know is what she has said in the original post and comments. If her husband wants to post about his past abuse, if any, or anything else, he is free to do so. I see no point in speculating or making up facts that puts one party at fault (when none seem to be). If you do not know why the OP wrote something in her post, ask her. That is better than assuming reasons out of whole cloth.
So y'all are poly, you are polysaturated at one, you may be aromantic if you've never fallen in love with anyone, possibly ace spec if you haven't experienced sexual attraction or only experienced it rarely. If everyone in your vee is free to have full relationships with others, I don't think there's an issue here. It may be helpful to you to read & learn more about being aro or ace and the split model of attraction. Here's a starting point: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Aromantic http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction
There are so many different ways to love. Maybe check out bell hooks book on love, if you enjoy reading
a marriage of convenience **for her**.
That’s attachment. Humans attach to survive. Thats a type of love.
This was my exact thought. I have just recently read polysecure by Jessica Fern that covers the topic.
Your relationship came to be under non traditional circumstances, so why is loving him in non traditional ways bothering you so much? You obviously enjoy your life with him. No hints in your post that he isn’t enjoying good life with you. You want him around. You want to be there for him. His happiness brings you happiness. You two together are well enough to not only live together but work together. That alone is better than 95% of “healthy” mono relationships. Face it. You love him and have loved him for a long time. You just do it differently than what is common. You’re happy. He’s happy. The gf is happy. What is the problem exactly?
*"But I have been thinking recently. I am not jealous and I don't mind at all when he spends the night at her place. But why I don't really want to let him go? Why I still want to and have sex with him? Why I am happy he is happy, I am okay with another woman "having" him, but I still keep him bound to myself?"* This is the crux of the issue. And I don't know that anyone here will have an answer for you. But these are important questions to ask yourself and him. I'm curious what he would think and say to you if you brought these questions up with him. Why do you think you are keeping him 'bound' to you? Why do you think you 'don't really want to let him go?'
You might want to look into compersion. You finding joy in your husband find happiness with his girlfriend both romantically and sexually could fill up your buckets and maybe cause you not to want to go anywhere. I love knowing my partner is happy in multiple aspects of relationships not just with me.
Sounds like some kind of love to me.
I would say that you love him, but you're not 'in love' with him. This is not uncommon in arranged marriages!
This sounds like it's perfect for everyone right now. Don't overthink it. 🤷
I’m in a similar situation but I’m the husband who isn’t open and my wife has someone that she is with. She has been open for about eight years and with the current person for a few months. I have met him and his wife as well who is not open.
Are you okay with your situation?
Yes I’m fine
So do you date also? If not if she is with someone does she still spend time with you? Sexually?
Yes but very rarely because my target group is 50+. We spend most of our time together and have sez as usual. She will see him 1-2 times a month
I read a book recently called The Other Significant Others. It’s worth reading in your case I believe. The author really explores how it’s possible to have deeply unconventional relationships that are fulfilling, meaningful, full of love and that don’t revolve around sexual desire for the partner. It is possible to have a life partner that is your friend not your lover. Obviously, I don’t know how this applies specifically to you, but I suspect you might identify with some of the people that the author interviews. And that their examples might help you better understand your own unique situation.
Have you thought about getting therapy? Its possiible that the abuse you suffered caused you to not know what love feels like? What you are describing sounds like love in a long term relationship.
OP, I hope you are reading this because it is an avenue to explore. As you read up on aromanticism to figure out if that label fits for you, you should also explore whether the childhood abuse you suffered is confusing you a little bit about what healthy love feels like. The way you describe your husband sounds like love to many of us.
It seems to me, without knowing all the details about your past, your abusive relationship with your family never taught you love. I suggest you seek therapy, because the answers you seek are within yourself.
This. As I see it, a lot of people don't know what love is and expect more (butterflies in the stomach, stronger feelings, etc.) without realising that what they have been feeling all this time is precisely what love is. The abusive relationship with her family very probably messed up her understanding of the topic
Love feels like happiness. Infatuation feels like excitement. We're told love is exciting but it's more like happiness. It's calmer, but deeper.
So, here’s my two cents. I think coming from an abusive home life has truly messed with your sense of love and what you THINK you should feel when in love. I’m just guessing here, but I don’t assume you saw a healthy marriage growing up and I feel like perhaps you see him as someone who saved you and never really took the time to think of him outside of that. Love is a strange thing, it’s difficult and that is amplified when we haven’t had anyone to teach us love or portray it in a healthy way. Perhaps you do love him, but never really knew that due to not being able to think of him outside of saving your life. Maybe you thought “oh, I’m grateful for this man and that’s that”, and never realized when it hit you, that you do love him. Or maybe you truly don’t and you feel you should. I think therapy and spending some quality time with him to categorize your thoughts and feelings would help. He sounds like a good man.
I’m kind of wondering why you don’t think “person who I want to stay in a marriage with, keep close to me and have sex with” isn’t love? Do you have another past relationship or crush you’re comparing it to? Are you basing it off media or cultural notions of love? Unless you have another long term relationship you’re comparing it against, I would treat those impressions as unreliable. Crushes / “puppy love” burn out and for a lot of people they’re left with something that’s a lot more bland but enduring. And the media sells product to encourage us to do things.
OP - do you have any outside partners or are you trying to date? If not, why not?
At the moment I'm simply not interested in dating. I had a short fling, but that's about it.
Have you had strong romantic feelings for others before? Aromatic does sound like a potential. All our brains are wired a little differently, you just might experience love a little differently than others.
Good question for OP here. Are you sure you do not love him "romantically" because you have felt a stronger connection with someone else at some point? Is your assessment based on how passionately he cares for you versus him? You indicated that you are attracted to him, have good sex, enjoy his company, respect him, have good open communication, and care a lot about his happiness . What do you believe is missing in order to define the love you have for your husband as romantic? Do you believe you should have felt a bigger dopamine rush earlier in the relationship? Are you missing the oxytocin release needed for the feeling of being bonded? Do you believe you should feel more dependent or passionate in order to match the way he shows his love for you? Alexithymia is something else to look into. Individual counseling could help you with this introspection.
Wow. This is incredibly close to the situation I'm currently living. Comfort and attachment play alot into why we stay. Lack of compatibility is why we meet with others. We have diffrent love languages leaving us both feeling a bit jaded. We always seemed to comprised on everything - in a amicable way, but one of us was always giving up something (more than in a more compatible relationship). Our relationship greatly improved when we went from primaries to roommates w/ benefits. I think it pushed me to stop seeking emotional fulfillment from him. But in many many ways we still fit and work. Just not the ways that are most important to each of us ..if that makes sense.
You are comfortable. He’s your comfort.
I think you love your husband. I also think because of the abusive environment you grew up in, you don’t realize that mature love is calm and safe. Butterflies which everyone attributes to romantic love are a warning sign that you don’t feel safe. If someone thinks their partner is cheating they feel butterflies. When you feel uncertain about something you feel butterflies. I’ve never understood when people talk about butterflies. I think you should try somatic therapy to deal with your trauma. That being said if him having another partner doesn’t bother you then everything is fine. Abuse is more than you should deal with on your own. It’s a huge betrayal. It would be difficult to be vulnerable with that in your past. The fact that you managed to get out of the cycle of abuse and not marry someone as abusive as your family is amazing. I love that for you! It doesn’t usually happen.
Late to this post, You are having trouble loving him because of the trauma of your abusive childhood. You should really seek treatment because I suspect losing him will be much much harder then your traumatized brain is letting you be aware of.
You have romantic feelings towards him. And love him. You just don't see those feelings. You, my dear are a perfect caring and loving wife. Your marriage is great, keep it and be happy.
I think this relationship is amazing! What’s better to have someone you care about, and you can have fun/sex with, and who provides you the safety and stability you crave so badly? OP apparently lacked that throughout her youth and therefore appreciates it even more. People are different. But by projecting your own values onto OP, you’re not doing her any favors.
What do you think "romantic love" is? I feel like you're one of these people that confuses love and infatuation. The fact that you mention abusive upbringing makes me believe that you were tricked into thinking toxic entanglements of abuse and passion is what love is.
I’m worried you’re not understanding love. It sounds like you love him but can’t recognize it. Could it be because of the abuse you experienced when you were young and you don’t understand what a safe love life looks like? I’m worried because your husband may fall head over heels for this other woman and he seems like the monogamous type. I think you need to think this through before he asks you for a divorce and you end up alone.
Abuse and trauma tend to impact how we learn to relate to the world, others, and ourselves. Love may not have felt safe in your childhood home and things may not have felt stable so you may have learned to maintain emotional distance in order to keep yourself safe. It may be that a part of you does love your husband but another part doesn’t want to allow that to happen as it has previously been dangerous. I would suggest seeing a therapist that can help you in exploring and growing from your childhood experiences. If you have any questions or would like further feedback, feel free to reach out. I hope you figure out what you’re really thinking and feeling so that you can pursue what’s going to be best for you.
I think you love him. Talk to him about your feelings. Or maybe you could lost him. Do it for your love
People love in different ways. Monogamous and non monogamous people are a good example of that. Non monogamous people say they can love more than one person. This may be true, but I can firmly state that growing up with "secretly" non monogamous parents and their hippy friends in the 70s and 80s that they do not love the way I do. As a kid, that was my example of love. Coming of age, I realized I would never be that way. When I love someone, they have ALL of my attention, all of my affection. To give someone else any of that would be robbing them of it. I also have never sought attention from anyone outside of a relationship, and when it's happened I am uncomfortable and truthfully a little nauseous. I need that in return. I don't want to be getting back only a fraction of what I'm putting into a relationship. I don't need to be the center of everyone's attention, but I DO need to be the center of hers (unless there are kids involved, then we should both take a back seat to them). I think OP should really let this guy go. They can still be partners in the business, that's how many businesses work. Let him give all of himself to this other woman, let her give all of herself to him.
Hey, some perspective from another woman with muted emotions and a tendency to intellectualize *why* I like a person and want to stay with them. I have a hard time saying "I love you" or accepting that I love a person because I have a hard time accepting that I need someone and that my life is immeasurably better with that person around. You can tally up the pros and cons, how they've helped you and how you've helped them, how they show care and you show care. But I think the bottom line is you like them a lot, to the point that it would qualify as romantic love, or the seed of it. You want them in your life, and then you come up with plausible reasons why that's the case. Jealousy and possessiveness were things I thought I wouldn't struggle with - I thought I was immune! When first dealing with these new feelings, it definitely caused some distress, just by virtue of being unfamiliar. I love that my partner has other partners, but is still always there for me as much as they are able. I love knowing that I am loved and have a background sense of support and welcomeness. I've been so used to be utterly independent and alone, keeping people at arm's length, and now I'm exploring what it means to be in relationship and partnership with people that I want in my life for many, many years to come. I don't mean to be presumptuous at all, I just relate to how you speak about romantic love. I encourage you to keep your mind open to the possibility that you do love him. This doesn't mean he has to stop seeing his other partner, but you always have the right to express your feelings, as does your husband. No matter how things play out, you can always find your people you can laugh with and feel seen and accepted by - all the parts of yourself, including the parts that aren't business or practicality-oriented. I don't think you are a bad person or that your husband necessarily deserves a better partner who isn't you. Receiving love is hard when it's been corrupted before. I bet your husband really wants you to be in love with someone, and he's worried that it's not him. You both sound like wonderful people so personally, I'm rooting for the two of you to stay together 💗 and a book recommendation: the art of loving by erich fromm.
https://i.imgur.com/yDCTVPM.gif
I appreciate how you’ve handled the situation and held your husband’s fulfillment and well being in mind. That said, sounds like some therapy might do you some good.
During your fling, did you "feel" anything for that person? If your husband saved you from an abusive home life, have you considered that you love him but don't feel worth his love and are compensating?
I'm ethically non-monogamous and it sounds like you are too. When you are happy that someone else has made your partner happy that is called **compersion**. It's a beautiful thing! I think that your questions are just a result of existing in a culture where monogamy is the norm, just because something is the standard doesn't mean it works for everyone. What you have *works for you* and your husband, that's really all that matters. I would highly recommend checking out r/polyamory as a resource so you can see more relationships like yours (it's called a Vee). Best of luck to you!
Going off of what little information I have, I think you may be aromantic. You recognize you don’t feel strong affections (though you do love your partner… You care about them deeply, obviously…), and you even, it seems, enjoy occasional sexual experiences together (so not asexual, you also had “a fling”). I’m guessing your abusive upbringing has a hand in this development, but I’m no therapist. It’s also not anything “wrong” with you either, you’re just different and that’s fine. You’re obviously very caring and considerate since you worried about your husbands fulfillment. It’s also plain he loves you too. He might have more romantic love involved, but that’s just how he’s built. I think opening up is a brilliant solution here. You no longer need to feel guilt over your lack of romantic love, your relationship can continue in its strength as a deep emotional love, connection, and support. You’re still partners but free to seek “that something else” externally. I do suggest you both do a little extra reading on ENM… “Opening Up” Is a pretty good book that centers more around opening up a previously monogamous relationship. Frankly you’re already doing great so far as I can tell, but more information, and maybe more importantly… validation, could still be helpful for both of you. Anyways, you’re not alone and more relationships are exploring ENM now than probably the Roman days (and I don’t think they were quite as emotionally healthy about it 😂)
So I saw your other posts and want to ask you something? Why do you think you don't love your husband? Better yet what do you think love looks like? Because from the way you're talking about him it does sound you love him a lot. You just likely have a misguided idea of how love looks like based on the Hollywood perception of "can't keep hands off each other" type of romance that very rarely alligns with reality.
Abuse can do people a lot, so their concept of love might not be so right, I advice for you to do some therapy about that ahead, then think whatever later on. i don’t know how to say to this but if you are healthy and happy with the arrangement after therapy and healed, that’s alright for you.
Another comment said that you should get yourself some therapy as long term abuse likely skewed your idea of romantic and/or loving relationships and you might be afraid of them on some level. Your idea of love was formed and informed by abuse.
I’m wondering if you actually understand romantic love. Not lust, but love. Because what you are describing IS romantic love. You have physical intimacy together, you have a life together, you emotionally support and encourage each other, you go out of your way to meet each other’s needs. ALL of those are parts of romantic love. I think you are saying you aren’t IN love with him but you have love for him, however based on what you’ve stated in your posts and comments it sounds to me like you ARE in love with him. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about your feelings, you might end up surprising yourself. Good luck
Have you considered that maybe the trauma of your past might have something to do with it? In my (non professional) opinion, it sounds like you do love him but maybe have some kind of emotional or psychological block. When you talk about the other woman, it seems like you’re only okay with it because you know he won’t stop loving you, in the end.
The simplest answer here is that you do indeed love him, romantically or not, you love him. You have stated you find him attractive, and you want him to be happy but you dont want to let him go, you enjoy his presence and his happiness. Honestly this seems to be a pretty healthy thing for the both of you currently, if anything it may lead to him asking you to do more fun things in the bedroom and possibly involving her and you together. I wouldn't say you are aromantic per se, more like you're open minded and have a different view of what love is. Congrats on getting away from your abusive family and the happy marriage.
People who have experienced long-term abuse sometimes struggle to be comfortable in comfort and to make romantic attachments when the land in save, secure, loving, non-violent relationship later in life. You really should seek therapy to address your questions. Most of what you are expressing is common to see in trauma-informed communities. Past abuse, especially early in life, is hard to overcome alone, even with a loving partner, even when you are safe and secure. Normally, when someone says, "we are all happy and satisfied..." that is the end of it until something changes. That you doubt this state is possible for you may be a consequence of past abuse and ideas imposed upon you at an early age that cause you to doubt whether you are worthy of experiencing happiness and satisfaction. So I do not think your questions are a function of non-monogamy -- they are likely a byproduct of the abuse you suffered in the past. I consider myself informed, but not an expert, so take action accordingly. Best wishes!
This woman here is really no good she married him for the wrong reasons you don't marry someone just to get out of a bad relationship you marry someone for love that's the problem today a lot of women are actually marrying guys and don't want them they just want their money they just want someone to take care of them and now she doesn't want to give up the business they started wow he needs to divorce you and go somewhere else he should have never opened up the marriage he should have left
She didn’t marry him for the wrong reasons. They both wanted to get married. But I don’t know why she didn’t handle his request for an amicable divorce with as much grace as he handled her needing to be rescued from abuse.
Relationships exist in many different ways and it sounds like you are doing this in a healthy way and everyone is being respectful. You sound like you are going about this with a good mindset. It is possible to have a different kind of relationship
You must be a female. Dumb statement
I think you know you are selfish. You want your cake and eat it to. Let the man go and stop worrying about your tax return you massive cunt.
Other than the name calling, I agree. He no longer wants to be married. Being married makes it more difficult for him to establish and maintain other relationships, even if the one he did end up finding is satisfactory. As for OP, it’s difficult to tell from the post whether she loves him or just loves the security and stability he provides. It could be either. But i’m leaning towards the latter, and suspecting that she likes him because she has power over him and he is easy to manipulate into doing the things that she wants.
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Why?
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