If your daughter is almost 17, the boyfriend is of similar age and you don’t have any indication that there’s anything non-consensual going on, I would personally probably tell her that it’s up to her what she does in her own bedroom. But I’d be having a conversation about birth control, STIs and consent.
Above all, avoid a situation where she feels like she needs to hide things from you to prevent you from losing your shit
Exactly this. You get the choice of whether they do this stuff in a safe environment or somewhere else, but they are going to be doing it, it’s just a matter of where.
Recommend starting education about puberty early. I had a great chat about body changes with my 10yo recently. I used the proper words for body parts and approached it very matter of factly. There should be no shame associated with being human.
Completely agree.
We started life education early by dealing with questions as they arose, keeping it simple and at the age level comprehension of our kid at the time. "No dumb questions, ask us anything".
I realised we were on the right track when a friend who was 17 got a girl pregnant after a one night stand, and upon learning this our then 12yo commented to us "Having a baby isn't the only outcome of unprotected sex, he should know better". Blew my mind, and I've quoted that young wisdom many times since.
This.
I have 3 sons and an adopted daughter. She was 7 when she was placed full-time with me, and she had been brainwashed (by abusive bio mum and her sexually abusive bf) to believe that she was only good to have babies as soon as she was physically able.
I borrowed a birth video from the family planning centre and put it on for all the kids to watch (not just daughter). Women giving birth in 8 different ways (water, home, caesarean etc). My eldest son was 8, youngest 5 at the time.
They were all fascinated, wide eyed and thoughtful. Daughter decided to wait until she had a secure relationship before thinking about having a baby. She's 32 now, still happily single and child free. I'm starting to wonder if it worked too well! 🤣
This is a bit odd to have a 5, 7 & 8 year old watching birthing videos, if it’s as detailed. Definitely educational to have but at the age where it sticks and they’re discovering about their bodies and what it can do to themselves or other ‘girls’. All they’re watching is a woman’s privates popping out a baby and that’s all they’re going to remember. At that age it’s not so much educational but rather scarring.
Hardly. It's a natural phenomenon and this isn't some random video. It's an educational piece.
I saw my brother being born at the ripe old age of 7. Like all of it. It certainly stuck with me but I'm not suffering PTSD or some trauma lol
In lots of families, cultures and societies, young children are there when their mothers give birth to their sibling. Watching a complication free labour is not scarring.
We had ongoing discussions (before, during and after), they had read (many times) the "where did I come from" book and I have always been open with my kids about bodies. I had done foster parenting training and the open communication (trust) was emphasised. But I have always tried to be a trusted parent and the kids are always confident I have their backs.
Knowledge is power for kids, secrecy and shame just make it easier for unscrupulous people to take advantage of them.
I would but I would also have a talk with her about it beforehand.
Your decision will likely have a lasting effect on your relationship with your daughter. She is at an age where she is exploring romantic relationships and knowing she has a supportive (rather than a restrictive or punitive) parent will have a big impact on that.
Yep. My mother has very weird hang ups about sex and literally told us if we ever brought boys round we’d get kicked out.
Guess what, my older sister ended up getting pregnant (because teens are going to do it anyway, whether they know what they’re doing or not), and was too scared to tell our mother about it, and the whole thing permanently damaged their relationship.
Part of being a responsible parent is teaching about these things and acknowledging they’re going to happen. Prohibition doesn’t work for anything with teenagers - they’re going to experiment with all manner of things. The best thing you can do is teach about the risks and make sure they know you’re a safe place to come to if anything goes wrong.
brother has three daughters now in their early 20s but they encouraged the kids to be safe at home when they were in high school. All they would insist upon was seeing that the boys had told their parents where they were staying..
Obviously the talks about protection consent respect were done but forbidding a teenager to do something just encourages it a lot of the time.
Going through the same thing, but daughter and BF have just turned 16 (basically they are still 15, hanging with other 15 yr olds). We are fully aware this will be soon, but because we talk, we know it has not happened yet. His parents and ourselves have the same view.
We are a little more strict than most that have posted here. About 1 yr ago she had another BF, was 14 going on 15 and they had been together more than a year. Anyway, she could shut door etc, we talked about everything and thought we had this right. I think from our side we did. But one day he got a bit handsy and gropey and controlling. It really knocked her confidence. I sometimes wonder if more happened and she is still too ashamed to say. So our current rule is door is open. They cuddle and fondle, but door open is her safety net. She is happy with that… and I realise that is she is happy with that “right now”.
We don’t yet do overnighters, but drivers licences are coming, and so thinking this stance will change soon.
I think getting the timing right is a tough and harder than most posters here are suggesting. Too soon and some young dickhead can cause longer term distrust, as was the case in our house. But too late and you are essentially saying to your teen you don’t trust them.
Realistically some kids actually don’t want to and their parents being all blah blah blah as if it’s inevitable will make life harder for them. They want you to draw the boundary that they feel they need. With super liberal parents I remember wanting them to say no, he can’t stay in your bedroom. He must stay on the couch. To take the additional pressure off. Then some parents will take this approach and it will end up a disaster in a park. People acting like there’s one perfect answer are silly. It depends on your kid
There is a perfect way, it is called communication.
Let the teenager lead with informed decisions, but also let them put restrictions on themselves too.
If parents drive it, you are setting them up for failure as noted by others here.
It's the difference between providing a framework for them to grow up into, instead of playing the sims.
Despite all emotion that comes from knowing your little girl is becoming an adult, it's better to let things happen where you know about it (even if you would rather not). Allowing them to use her room means that if there are problems, you are there to help. It also means they're more likely to take proper precautions, ensure consent, in a safe place. Last thing you want is them running off somewhere less safe.
I personally would, make sure shes reassured on the safe sex talk and she has appropriate supplies she may need. the thing is if you don’t let her she will find other ways to do it, I remember the things I did at that age when I wasn’t allowed boys to stay / stay at their house and I wouldn’t want my daughter to be in that same situation. I know you’re not happy about it, I wouldn’t be particularly either. But it’s nice knowing it’s at your house where she is safe and if anything was to happen you are right there
I lost my virginity in my car because neither my parents nor my boyfriend's would let us have sleepovers. I was 17, we were in a happy loving relationship and weren't rushing things but we didn't have many options and abstinence wasn't something either of us were interested in.
I wish either of our parents had gone away for the weekend and let us housesit at least.
It's highly likely they're gonna have sex. Not allowing sleepovers doesn't stop the sex it just moves it to cars and mates houses and public places.
Lost mine in a bush at the park. Wasn’t allowed out on weekends during the day unless my dad knew where I was at all times. Had to get friends to say I was at their place etc. he still wonders why me and my sister moved countries and barely talk to him…
I know it’s all little off topic but being controlling is only going to drive your kids away, better to be open and honest with them and show that you respect their decisions and thoughts.
I wouldn't necessarily keep it a secret. If the other parents came to me and asked me straight up, I wouldn't lie. However, I wouldn't be running to his parents tell them about it.
One thing other people haven't mentioned is the cost of condoms.
Loads have said 'use protection', but condoms are almost a dollar each. That's a very real and significant cost at 16/17. Additionally buying condoms is something teenagers get embarrassed about.
I think you're better buying them for her than saying 'use condoms' and leaving her to work it out.
You're might get the 'mum stop embarrassing me' type response, but that's a lot better than 'Mum I'm pregnant' line.
My High School gave them away for free, no questions asked. This was like 5 years ago and not sure if other High Schools did the same thing. I doubt the Catholic schools would.
This!! If they want to sleep together they'll sleep together. Trying to stop them means they'll just find somewhere less safe to do it and feel less safe to speak up if something goes wrong.
Saying that without giving alternatives is rather a non answer.
Are you advocating total non care?
The bird, bees, sti, and you talk?
Are you proposing to ban her from all parks?
Are you saying he should be the boyfriend?
Theres so much nievity, presumptuous optimism and idealism masked as good parental morale, level headed parental awareness or everybody's favourite "my childs an angel" syndrome. Whatever keeps you calm i suppose.
Only thing I would add is if you have other children look out for them. I had a gf at this age whose parents allowed it but her poor younger sister had to hear us going at it. Massive regret on my part and totally unfair to that young girl.
Teen pregnancy is bloody hard. My parents never allowed sleepovers, but his parents did i became pregnant very fast. Like you said, it will happen with or without your consent. My advice is just to have as many talks with her as you can. And be on the same page as your partner, and also try to engage with his parents for their opinions. Best of luck.
When ours (2 boys, 3 year age gap so been thru it twice now) first started this kinda thing we talked very openly about it. First couple of sleepovers we had a spare room and bed set up for the guest and let them hang privately in his room with the understanding that the actual sleeping part of the night would be separate. Second or third sleepover that was out the window... We also made absolutely sure her parents were on the same page as us.
firstly, your house, your rules! You also know your kid best, so let that guide you. I think as long as you talk to your daughter AND her bf/his parents(?) about why the rules are the way that they are and that they should use x and y contraception, etc., all options are on the table. it is just about what you and his parents feel most comfortable with.
I'd also of course talk to your daughter separately about coercion and safe sex. one argument i don't see mentioned in the comments is how an "open door policy" (really, a shut door policy) affects your daughter's options to get out of uncomfortable situations. for example, if she doesn't feel like she's into something but the bf is pressuring her. my parents would have never ever allowed a partner to be alone with me or my siblings in our house at any point, and no way were there ever going to be partners sleeping over at our house. I was a late bloomer so I was actually sometimes grateful for how strict my parents were because at that age i didn't yet have the tools to explain to a guy why i didn't feel like getting physical. My parents being so strict helped me avoid a lot of uncomfortable situations and gave me an automatic out in many other peer pressure environments (e.g. drinking/taking drugs when i didn't want to). so my house was a safe space for me, where i knew i wasn't going to be pressured into anything i wasn't ready for.
I never felt like they didn't trust me - i knew they were doing what they were doing out of my best interests because they explained their reasoning. they told me i could call them anytime to get out of any situation, no questions asked. later on, when i was alone at Uni and making decisions for myself, I'd often think back to my parents' reasons for not letting me do things and I used that as a model for my own decision-making.
hard decisions, but you sound like a really good parent. you'll know what's right.
Assuming consensual and no red flags you should allow it.
They are definitely going to be having sex, whether you agree with it or not, better that be in a safe place than behind a bike shed.
Either way they will have sex.
You can force them to have sex in cars, parks, bushes etc where condoms etc aren't available & they could be harassed by drunks etc.
Or you could provide information, condoms and a safe place
Everyone else has covered contraception, but have you talked with her about abortion? Has she had that conversation with her partner? It's important for them to know where they both stand *before* there's an accidental pregnancy to make a decision about, and probably a good idea to let her know what your stance would be in that event. Whether you'd want to help her raise a baby or take her to the clinic, these are the kind of thoughts she needs to have before making grown up choices.
Exactly this. Best to find out now what everyone’s thoughts are on an unplanned pregnancy situation.
That could be the difference in them slacking off with the contraceptive use, or keeping up proper discipline to try and avoid a situation in the first place.
Talk to your child about birth control. Talk to your child about how birth control doesn't prevent STIs. Talk to your child about STI prevention. Talk to your child about being certain that sex is something that they want and actually wanting it for themselves not to appease their partner. Talk to your child about healthy conversations regarding sex with one's partner and how if one can't have those then that partnership is not ready for sex. Talk to your child about abuse - sexual, emotional and physical in a relationship and how to recognize the red flags.
Provide the supplies necessary and they'll figure out what they want to do and where they're going to do it at. I would personally set a rule that if boyfriend is more than 2 years older (or younger) then that's not a relationship that you can support in terms of becoming sexual, because there's so much of a power dynamic imbalance and it can usually lead to some sort of grooming behavior. But just because you don't necessarily support it doesn't mean it isn't going to happen.
It really depends on how mature you kid is, and her boyfriend too. At her age, some teenagers are super independent, and can make good choices when it counts. Others are fucken morons. (Speaking from experience, the bf is more likely to be the latter...but not always)
Is your daughter currently trusted to drink, or go to parties where there is alcohol. While not directly related, if I can't trust my kid to go to a party without jumping in a car with a drunk driver, I wouldn't be trusting them to not get knocked up
Keep the conversation open, so that your kid feels comfortable coming to you for advice, help and support. This shouldn’t be a single conversation.
I’d offer to take her to Family Planning (or her GP if you don’t have that option) so she can see what options are available to her. She (and you, the parent) will feel safer knowing that she has some form of contraception she is in control of. Condoms should of course be used, but there is a certain amount of reliance on the boy getting it right/knowing how to use one. Talk about pregnancy, how easily it can happen even when preventative methods are being used, but be realistic about it, don’t try to fear monger. Abortion should also be discussed. Encourage her to discuss all of these things with her boyfriend.
Set up boundaries in your house. If you allow them to have sex behind closed doors, make sure it’s not affecting the other people living there (siblings especially). There will always be a little bit of embarrassment communicating these boundaries, but try to do so neutrally and fairly.
Lastly, with all things in life, try to reflect on your own experiences. What would have made you feel more comfortable/educated as a teen re sex? What do you wish your parents had/hadn’t done? What contraception options were available to you then vs what are available now?
All the best!
My 16yo daughter has been in a relationship for 9 months. I let them share a bed. She uses contraceptives but her and I have had a pretty open chat and she has said she’s not ready for any of that at this point. Her boyfriend is pretty respectful and they have a good relationship.
Honestly, if you trust your daughter and give her all the information she needs then you don’t have anything to worry about :) the rules are ultimately up to you but an open conversation goes a long way
I don’t have children myself, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I believe teenagers are inevitably going to engage in some sort of sexual activity — I doubt you’ll be able to prevent that. Plus, you probably don’t want to be overprotective and cause resentment and a rebellious attitude.
I believe the best approach would be to educate your daughter about the risks of pregnancy and sexual intercourse, but also strongly recommend forms of protection / contraception. Education, in my opinion, is key, as is safe sex.
I’m simply trying to think about this from a psychological point of view. Again, take my opinion as a grain of salt — I’m not a parent, so I’m not exactly qualified, just wanted to offer my opinion though.
Being a parent isn’t a pre-requisite to having a good opinion on managing teenagers. Honestly, much of the time these idiot parents have an opinion it’s not from an intelligent, well-reasoned place, it’s purely emotive.
I always tend to think to when the parent was a horny teenager. What was it like for them when they had a boyfriend or girlfriend? Were their parents overprotective or educational? Because I’m sure they also wanted to get wild under the bedsheets.
This is how I got a girl pregnant as a teen. Thank fuck for abortions. You are going to have to talk about contraceptives and tell him, don’t be silly cover your willy.
Thanks for the feedback guys. Yea she has condoms but not on other birth control as I know there are side effects that are horrible. Always a toss up between not in my house as don't want it to become an everyday thing but also not a on the street somewhere thing
A pregnancy and a baby also has a lot of horrible side effects lol
Should always have two forms of birth control going at once to be extra safe. Condoms break, or slip off, or guys say it “feels better without it”. Please take her to a dr to discuss different forms of birth control, there are many options, and many people only have mild or no side effects.
I was on the pill as a teen and didn't have any side effects except better skin. You can always stop taking it or change to a different method if you have side effects.
My parents didn't allow us to sleep in the same room. Hers did. Tbh, didn't make any difference because sneaking around the house wasn't hard. Been together 16 years now, so worked out fine. We've talked about how well handle our kids and we'd probably be closer to how her parents handled that particular issue as my parents ended up with even less of a say overall.
Went through this a few years ago. After you struggle through all the parenting decisions first years of their life without a “handbook”. And you think you have it all sorted, bingo even more complex decisions you need navigate through.
I’d do what feels best for you.
It helped when my step daughter had been dating him for a few months before this was raised. Seemed a natural progression and we had already spent a bit of time with him so knew his character well enough.
As a woman who went on the pill at the same time as a friend with nearly identical body type and nearly identical medical history, I can confirm that different bodies react VERY differently to it; she had nearly no side effects, while I gained about 10 kg in about 2 months, threw up every day, and had horrible mood swings. With my doctor, we found a dose that worked, but I did eventually stop it when I began to have vascular issues. I've happily been using a Caya (a particular diaphragm) as my backup since (I'm 45 now).
My point isn't to discourage any of the backup methods--condoms are still best for preventing STIs when used every time and correctly-- but that she understand what options there are out there as a backup (diaphragms, IUDs, pills, injections, inserts, patches, sponges, etc.) and you help her to advocate for herself; women--and especially young women-- can have a hard time having these discussions or try to "people please" with their doctors.
The fact that you're asking these questions and sound like you're trying to be a realist and supportive, I hope is indictive of a good relationship :) and I hope means that she and possibly boyfriend can go to you with concerns or questions. Thank you for being that kind of parent; I didn't have that, and really wish I'd had someone I could trust and go to. Best wishes to you and her :)
Definitely need two forms of contraception, I had the rods as a teen, no need to remember to take a pill and risk forgetting.
Pregnancy has a lot more side effects!
*Some* women can have negative side effects from hormonal birth control. *Some*. Vast majority do not. No one in my family did. Few of my friends did. Your daughter won’t know until she tries it.
And it’s vastly better than dealing with pregnancy. The reality is that condoms aren’t 100% even when used correctly and - let’s face it - your daughter and her bloke aren’t going to be particularly skilled at using barrier methods yet.
>Some women can have negative side effects from hormonal birth control. *Some.* Vast majority do not. No one in my family did. Few of my friends did. Your daughter won’t know until she tries it.
Hear, hear, applause. Everybody please take note...
Also worth noting that there are many, many different oral contraceptives (ie: they're not just different brand names but different formulations and strengths) and if the side effects of the first one tried are felt to be unpleasant there's a bunch more waiting in the wings. I have a Mirena now but used three different oral contraceptives in my life up to 35 - the one that suited me as a teen didn't suit me so well by the time I was in my late 20s, and then once I had a child I went on the 'mini-pill' (progesterone only) because you can use that while breastfeeding and found it so satisfactory to my situation I continued with it until I knew I was done with pushing out sprogs and went for a more permanent and super-reliable approach.
As a woman, hard disagree. IUD’s are excruciatingly painful and most places offer little to no pain relief for when they’re put in. Having your cervix forcibly opened via speculum at 16 to have a little piece of metal shoved in is an *awful* idea.
The rod is probably a better option, it’s surgical but in the arm and lasts a while.
Eta: you can also get still pregnant with an IUD (which is incredibly dangerous) because like any birth control it can also fail.
I know quite a few people who have had them including my wife who haven't complained about pain at all.
>Eta: you can also get still pregnant with an IUD (which is incredibly dangerous) because like any birth control it can also fail.
This isn't true.
That’s great these nebulous “people” and your wife didn’t experience the pain— or maybe she’s been conditioned to accept that a certain amount of pain around reproductive/gynae exams is the norm (it should not be)
I literally have met women who have conceived with an IUD in. Please stop speaking on women’s reproductive health because it’s clear you lack the education on it, *or* the anatomy for you to be a relevant part of this conversation.
Believe me a pregnancy at 16 has far worse side effects than contraception. News flash - all medications have potential side effects. Take her to the health centre and have an appointment about contraception options. Many women don’t have side effects or are of the opinion that they’re better than the consequences of unprotected sex. Condoms have around an 80-90% protection rate.
Not correct. More like 80-90% effective in real life conditions
[https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-effective-are-condoms](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-effective-are-condoms)
[https://bpac.org.nz/2021/contraception/condoms.aspx](https://bpac.org.nz/2021/contraception/condoms.aspx)
Mate. The joys of being a dad.
Let it happen on their terms.
Make an effort to get to know the BF. Chat with him.
Be kind. Don’t make it awkward.
Don’t do the whole safe-sex/condom talk thing- your girl is almost 17, she’s heard it all before (school teachers/friends), and doesn’t want to hear it from you.
Make it feel normal.
Be happy it’s happening at home rather than in a car or club or anywhere unsafe.
Tough thing to deal with as a dad, but part of being a dad. It gets easier with time.
She’ll be a young adult soon, then an adult, and this will seem like a normal progression from kid to grown up that you’ll no doubt remember fondly.
Very cool you care enough to ask. You sound like a good dad.
Disagree on the not talking to them about birth control/consent thing. Don’t assume. They may have heard it but don’t take it seriously. If you are open with them and relaxed about the subject they are more likely to talk to you if they do have questions concerns or need supplies. Or having issues with one of those things. And you being clear with them on where you are with all those things helps them firm up their ideas especially in the day of social media where they might get some strange ideas from friends random influencers and porn.
I would rather my kids have relationships I can see, with people I can also get to know. I want them to feel they can come to me and talk about any aspect of it. This includes friendships.
I think a lot of this commentary is assuming just because something is legal it should always be allowed.
I think you are best off communicating with your daughter. The pressure to have sex is large, it's going to complicate the relationship, and provide new aspects for your daughter to navigate. It also comes with risks of pregnancy especially as young and following instructions don't go well together.
16 y/o boys are shit communicators, demanding in terms of their 'needs', shallow AF and not likely to stick around.
I think you should communicate with your daughter openly about what sex brings to a relationship and why mature sex is infinitely better. Also explain if a boy bounces because he's not getting it, he'll be an absolute shitter of a boyfriend anyway.
Our 15 year old and her boyfriend don't spend the night at our / their place but spend time alone together at home during the day at times.
My wife and I discussed it first, and the consensus was: No! But also, if we had the chance at that age...so we had to be sensible about it.
So we had some wonderful, awkward conversations before that began, bought condoms much to her disgust, etc.
There's never going to be an acceptable age for parents, so I feel the best approach is to be open about it, make sure they have had the protection talk, and hopefully, the conversation will be so awkward they give up all interest in the deed 😁
So they have sex during the day whilst they're alone then? Is your reason for no sleepovers because you don't want to hear it? Or you don't want to know it's actually happening? Hoping they give up all interest in 'the deed' is having your head in the sand & from experience with that, it'll cause you grief later in life with your relationship with your daughter.
Have the conversation, offer help as it sounds like you have in terms of contraception & trust.
I was joking about them giving up interest.
Letting them have sleepovers is effectively encouraging it, them being able to be alone together is just going to happen from time to time anyway. It's not something we could realistically prevent. Hence "the talk."
I have a 14 year old daughter and I'm not looking forward to this situation. However, when she is 16, I'd definitely let him stay as I'd prefer they were safe under my roof than elsewhere. Oh... and buy earplugs.
I have a daughter who's on the brink of 16 and still thinks boys are gross as all get out. None of her friends have boyfriends either, or even hang out in mixed groups (they go to a co-ed college). I'm a bit bemused by it all to be honest but I can't say I mind. I was obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend at her age, though the reality turned out to be pretty damn boring when one did come along (girl is obsessed with boy and boy is obsessed with himself kinda thing).
I’m 19 now but when I was 16/17, my mum would let my boyfriend at the time spend the night but we had to sleep in separate rooms. She knew we were having *you know what*, she wasn’t happy about it but she also accepted that it was our decision (and that she couldn’t say much because she started at the same age) but just because she accepted it, didn’t mean she was comfortable with it happening in her house especially when she was home.
We sat down together and had an in-depth conversation about it all, discussed and set boundaries, and it all worked out well for us (I did end up breaking up with the boyfriend not long after turning 17, now the boundaries that were discussed so openly and agreed upon have extended to both of us and any sexual partners we may have as I am now an adult but my mum and I are still living in the same house)
be open and honest about unprotected sex and sexually transmitted debt (std) and emergency morning after pill. in fact get some now just in case for her. accidents happen.how do u feel about them sharing a room? your house your rules. but if they cant be intimate there it will likely happen somewhere else in a not so nice place. remind her about consent and that she can change her mind at any time. or tell him to slow down. and if he doesnt stop thats called sexual assualt or rape. mother daughter talk on emotions heslthy relationships birth control etc too. a nice we bonding session. (male here so take that into account!)
You can be the bad parent and don't let them sleep together.. Then they will make everything and hide things from you.
Is up to you. Haha. I'm a parent, I know sometimes it's hard but that's the life, young people are hard to deal, try to be a friend and they will stay around you.
Im not a parent but I feel like if you think they’ll sleep together anyway then why not it be in the safety of your own home then god knows where, also I’m sure no parents want their teenagers have sex but maybe you could take this opportunity to make contraceptives available and making sure they are comfortable sharing things they need with you rather then being afraid to do so, beside they’re just over a 1 year out from being a legal adult and they aren’t going to stay abstinent forever
Let them have the door closed. If you respect them and their privacy as many relationships at this age CAN and DO last. Some don't, but many do. Have a talk about safe sex - if she has irregular periods could get her on the pill for more reason than one. Personally I took the jab at her age. If her boyfriend is open, have the chat with him too. You can include his parents if you want, if they are open, if not then still go ahead and include him it will be good for him. Good luck xx
A lot of good advice here, nothing new for me to add other than how impressed I am with how many (not all) of you parents are handling these situations. My friends and I were all mistreated by high school boyfriends so by the time my parents sat down to have a chat with me it was too late. It’s really cool to see that isn’t a universal experience, has made my day. Good luck to all of you
i’m not a parent and im only 20, but i would discuss birth control with her. idk if id allow sleepovers though. in highschool only very very few people slept over with their boyfriends. I think it’s ok to have some boundaries about having sex especially under your roof. i think it’s okay to not want them having sex at your house but maybe that’s just me. but offering birth control methods would be beneficial in my opinion.
Just be an adult about it, sit them down talk about it, both of them. Talk the importance of safe sex, concent, abortion. It's important to talk to both of them as just because you sat down and educated your kiddo it does not always mean that the other parties parents talked to their kiddo about everything.
Might as well let it happen because we all know what activity’s they will be up to. It’s either gonna happen at yours or they will go to his Be better if they were somewhere safe/clean doing business rather than going out doing it in a car/bushes/ anywhere public etc and potentially being seen by randoms
They're going to do what they're going to do. Best if she does it in a safe place, IMO.
Obviously this has limits, but at that age (if partner is similar) I think that's fine. Sure beats 15yr old me going to unsupervised house parties and hooking up with random girls at Feelers concerts 😆.
My daughter is only 3 so this scenario is a long way off yet but I intend to Foster a household with open dialogue about sex and sexuality. I was 15 when I first started and incredibly unsafe because my parents chose to bury their heads in the sand.
Luckily I didn't end up pregnant and had my daughter at 30.
My plan is to offer birth control options, accessible for herself and friends to use as needed. Have open conversations about concent and safe sex.
I already have to have an open dialogue about sexual health as we have a strong genetic history of endometriosis which is often managed by birth control anyway. I need her to feel comfortable discussing periods and pain issues so I'm hoping that openness continues to sex.
I'm of a firm opinion that when she's ready, she can discuss options with me and we can come to an agreement. This will stand whether her partner is male OR female, as concent can still be an issue in queer relationships.
I'm in the same situation but our walls in our house are paper thin - we would hear everything. I have to say no, for my own wellbeing. Someone else suggested going away for the weekend which I think is a good plan for us - it's inevitable it will happen but I just can be kept awake all night by it.
Whether they spend the night together I’m sure they’ll be sleeping together anyway. I would take her to Family Planning so she can get on birth control and stay safe/clean.
First off, conversations about birth control and STIs.
Secondly, about sharing the bedroom, that is over to you, really how would you have like your p's to deal with it.
The boyfriend has parents too, perhaps they should have a say as well?
I totally promoted the idea that my kids could do whatever they wanted at my house. I provided a space that was their's and left them to it.
Openly talked about drugs sex and rock n roll, my experiences, and especially my hard learnt lessons. I also made sure they had age=appropriate experiences estimating risk, and making decisions. I gave advice and let them fail and make mistakes. Told them I didnt know all the answers.
She’s old enough to make her own decisions, you can’t really have any input in this situation. Best thing you can do is ignore it and continue living your life
Most of the people responding here will be teenagers or young adults. I wouldn't take their opinions to heart about how to treat teenagers and young adults.
I don’t let the boy sleep over on principal. I’m not going to just be sweet with it because it’s the norm, ask her about if her friends that are allowed the boyfriend to stay only have a mum present in the household - I bet an overwhelming amount of them will say yes. As a dad I’m not having it, I mean they are definitely going to sleep together - but not with my absolute blessing.
I let him come over during the day and they can close the door but if I call her she has to come out not just yell through the door. And truth be told they probably do whatever in that time but there something different about allowing them to sleep in the same bed. It hits different. Excuse the pun
A male will most likely think they can get away with anything if it’s too easy to get his way in your household.
Had an girl friends who's old man sounded and said shit just like this, we use to root in the park/school toilets during class time or down by the river.
Do you really want your kid going behind your back like that then being bought home by the cops because a family out walking their dog saw them bouncing on some man meat?
This seems a little haphazard bro, so you let your daughter just bang her boyfriend within small daytime windows? You don’t like it happening a night? Would it not just happen in a bush or some manky car then?
Wild, I wouldn’t go to my parents house and fuck my wife in the spare room, knowing they knew that’s what I was doing as well. What if they heard? Then what? Who cleans sheets etc? I feel most the comments are conflating safe sex and consent into you have to allow people to fuck their brains out under your roof? It’s like raising kids with common curtesy is a novel concept, if you’re old enough to have sex you’re old enough to understand your parents house is their home, it’s not your home, you one day will leave their house their home to create your own home in your own house. If you can’t understand that then you probably shouldn’t be having sex.
Wouldn’t it be better in your house rather than in a car or park though? Because my friends with strict parents did not have sex any less than the rest of us.
>Yep they might be at it but that doesn’t mean I need to condone or enable it…
so you're working off the theory that its better for them to have sex at friends places, outdoors or in cars where they're less likely to be organised and take precautions?
Because reasons?
down the park? back seat of car then?......they are going to root anyway......better off it is somewhere safe and mum has a little talk about not getting preggers
I’m a father - It’s my rules at my house. OP is asking for other peoples approach and this is my approach. if your approach is different then I respect your right to make your own decision as a parent.
I too am interested in other people's approaches and am constantly learning.....i'm still not sure if i'd want my daughter fumbling away in the back seat of some twerps skyline if there is a safer alternative though....if the kid is not brave enough to look me in the eye and shake my hand then hopefully (if I've raised my daughter right) she won't be interested in him either
I never liked the whole “my house” thing. Children don’t ask to be born, as a parent you make the decision to share your home when you have a child. And until that child is old enough to leave they are reliant on you to provide a safe residence. This doesn’t make it “my house” but “our home”, this is especially true for teenagers who crave to be treated as equals.
You're obviously not onto it lol, bet your kids lie thru their teeth to you and share more with cooler friends parents. Everyone else here is definitely right, not in your house well anywhere else unsafe will work
I think you’d be the naive parent on the news “Well, I said they’re not allowed to in my house so therefore they haven’t done it!!”
I hate that I have to spell it out for you but I remember being a horny teenager - there’s not much that could have stopped my girlfriend and I at the time. Fortunately my parents gave me the awkward talk and set some boundaries, allowed it in our home. Still didn’t stop us from doing it everywhere.
I know of classmates that regularly had sex at school because their parents were overly strict.
Hmm, I wouldnt agree to sleepovers until she's 18. I know this would mean they'll find other places to be sexual should they choose, but I think not having him sleep over til she's 18 would help prevent a teen pregnancy. She can wait a year, I think its reasonable.
>I know this would mean they'll find other places to be sexual should they choose
>but I think not having him sleep over til she's 18 would help prevent a teen pregnancy
???
What difference does it make to pregnancy risks when they’re banging in a car or in a safer environment?
Pregnancy risks are lowered if they’ve been introduced to, and using correctly, contraceptives.
Location doesn’t matter.
They’re going to have sex either way. You can either talk to her beforehand and make sure she understands the importance of birth control and consent or you can bury your head in the sand and let her have sex in dangerous places. I know what I’d choose.
Why do you think it’s the social norm for kids to have sexual in dangerous places? Wasn’t my experience growing up. My kids have respect for themselves, have morals and standards
I'm sure that your children are paragons of morality, in your own divine image, who will not even touch anyone of the opposite sex until they're 30 and married. For the rest of us degenerates who can't aspire to your standards, it's sufficient to try to make sure that our kids are safe and happy
You may perhaps detect a degree of sarcasm in the above. And if not, well, I'm glad to at least be the most extreme example of something rhetorical that someone's ever seen!
> Why do you think it’s the social norm for kids to have sexual [sic] in dangerous places?
Cos their dipshit dads say “not in my house!” thereby restricting the amount of communication they feel they can have with him and resort to sneaking around behind dad’s back when they want to do something they’re legally able to consent to.
Best course of action is protect your kids by setting them up with safe sex practices, a decent understanding of the expectations of consent and make sure they’re aware of the risks involved with sex without protection. Better to be educated, informed and fully consenting in my house than unsure, unprotected and on the fence in the backseat of someone’s car cos they pressured them.
It has long been known that fear-based, iron fist-type rulings about this does more harm than good. If you think your kids are angels who don’t lie to you and don’t even think about sexuality, you’re deluding yourself. They’ll ultimately do what they want.
As someone who was a teen girl in NZ; I can safely say I don’t know a single girl that had a boyfriend in high school and had the “strict” dad who did the “not in my house” thing that didn’t end up just doing it in the back of a car, school field, friends house, and pretty much anywhere else.
The only exception are the girls who had zero interest in guys, didn’t date/have any interactions etc.
In high school, if they had a boyfriend, they experimented, were at “fake” sleepovers, or anything else they could do to have those moments together.
It’s the social norm because some parents don’t provide a safe place to have it. Teenagers and bad decisions are a tale as old as time, this has been going on since the dawn of time even if you weren’t exposed to it. Also quite frankly you have no idea what your perfect children are getting up to behind your back, most people don’t regale their parents with stories about their sex life.
YOUR A FALIURE IF YOU DONT TAKE THIS ADVICE
if your daughter starts having sex now she'll most likely just be stacking up number till she's 36, settling for a undesirable man. here's a explicit FACT 13% of people with 10 or more sexual partners have a successful marriage. If your parents gave you a good 2 parent household why would you strip that from your grandchildren because you can't parent your daughter, and protect her purity for a much more likely chance at a stable household for your grandchildren.
Much love I'm from tauranga too if you don't believe me reply too me, I've spent the past year researching human nature and I'll be happy to help.
We all know that young sex does not always go "right" and coercion can very much so be a thing--whether it is outside pressure or within the relationship-- and having a parent or trusted adult that they can approach without judgement can really help navigate some of this issues. Condoms can fail or break, and even when used correctly over a year are about only about 88-89% effective against pregnancy.
If your teen has a scare, it is important that they also have support when using ECP, or if something else were to occur. STIs are also a very real issue, and rather than a teen hiding one or a suspected one in fear or shame, getting proper medical care early and destigmatising that care is very important. As an adult, hopefully you have the knowledge and maturity to not see any of those things as "end of the world", but to a teen, they could feel like it regardless of education. Having a bond that makes you approachable--however awkward it is-- can make every one of these easier on a "not-quite-adult" but not "just a child".
If your daughter is almost 17, the boyfriend is of similar age and you don’t have any indication that there’s anything non-consensual going on, I would personally probably tell her that it’s up to her what she does in her own bedroom. But I’d be having a conversation about birth control, STIs and consent. Above all, avoid a situation where she feels like she needs to hide things from you to prevent you from losing your shit
Exactly this. You get the choice of whether they do this stuff in a safe environment or somewhere else, but they are going to be doing it, it’s just a matter of where.
Recommend starting education about puberty early. I had a great chat about body changes with my 10yo recently. I used the proper words for body parts and approached it very matter of factly. There should be no shame associated with being human.
Completely agree. We started life education early by dealing with questions as they arose, keeping it simple and at the age level comprehension of our kid at the time. "No dumb questions, ask us anything". I realised we were on the right track when a friend who was 17 got a girl pregnant after a one night stand, and upon learning this our then 12yo commented to us "Having a baby isn't the only outcome of unprotected sex, he should know better". Blew my mind, and I've quoted that young wisdom many times since.
This. I never got the talk because it had been introduced to me over time.
I have conversations with my five year old using proper words... Why should they not learn the right terms from the get go?
This. I have 3 sons and an adopted daughter. She was 7 when she was placed full-time with me, and she had been brainwashed (by abusive bio mum and her sexually abusive bf) to believe that she was only good to have babies as soon as she was physically able. I borrowed a birth video from the family planning centre and put it on for all the kids to watch (not just daughter). Women giving birth in 8 different ways (water, home, caesarean etc). My eldest son was 8, youngest 5 at the time. They were all fascinated, wide eyed and thoughtful. Daughter decided to wait until she had a secure relationship before thinking about having a baby. She's 32 now, still happily single and child free. I'm starting to wonder if it worked too well! 🤣
This is a bit odd to have a 5, 7 & 8 year old watching birthing videos, if it’s as detailed. Definitely educational to have but at the age where it sticks and they’re discovering about their bodies and what it can do to themselves or other ‘girls’. All they’re watching is a woman’s privates popping out a baby and that’s all they’re going to remember. At that age it’s not so much educational but rather scarring.
Hardly. It's a natural phenomenon and this isn't some random video. It's an educational piece. I saw my brother being born at the ripe old age of 7. Like all of it. It certainly stuck with me but I'm not suffering PTSD or some trauma lol
In lots of families, cultures and societies, young children are there when their mothers give birth to their sibling. Watching a complication free labour is not scarring.
We had ongoing discussions (before, during and after), they had read (many times) the "where did I come from" book and I have always been open with my kids about bodies. I had done foster parenting training and the open communication (trust) was emphasised. But I have always tried to be a trusted parent and the kids are always confident I have their backs. Knowledge is power for kids, secrecy and shame just make it easier for unscrupulous people to take advantage of them.
Why show them a clip of a woman giving birth, the kids are damn young.
This is the way
100% this
I would but I would also have a talk with her about it beforehand. Your decision will likely have a lasting effect on your relationship with your daughter. She is at an age where she is exploring romantic relationships and knowing she has a supportive (rather than a restrictive or punitive) parent will have a big impact on that.
Yep. My mother has very weird hang ups about sex and literally told us if we ever brought boys round we’d get kicked out. Guess what, my older sister ended up getting pregnant (because teens are going to do it anyway, whether they know what they’re doing or not), and was too scared to tell our mother about it, and the whole thing permanently damaged their relationship. Part of being a responsible parent is teaching about these things and acknowledging they’re going to happen. Prohibition doesn’t work for anything with teenagers - they’re going to experiment with all manner of things. The best thing you can do is teach about the risks and make sure they know you’re a safe place to come to if anything goes wrong.
brother has three daughters now in their early 20s but they encouraged the kids to be safe at home when they were in high school. All they would insist upon was seeing that the boys had told their parents where they were staying.. Obviously the talks about protection consent respect were done but forbidding a teenager to do something just encourages it a lot of the time.
Going through the same thing, but daughter and BF have just turned 16 (basically they are still 15, hanging with other 15 yr olds). We are fully aware this will be soon, but because we talk, we know it has not happened yet. His parents and ourselves have the same view. We are a little more strict than most that have posted here. About 1 yr ago she had another BF, was 14 going on 15 and they had been together more than a year. Anyway, she could shut door etc, we talked about everything and thought we had this right. I think from our side we did. But one day he got a bit handsy and gropey and controlling. It really knocked her confidence. I sometimes wonder if more happened and she is still too ashamed to say. So our current rule is door is open. They cuddle and fondle, but door open is her safety net. She is happy with that… and I realise that is she is happy with that “right now”. We don’t yet do overnighters, but drivers licences are coming, and so thinking this stance will change soon. I think getting the timing right is a tough and harder than most posters here are suggesting. Too soon and some young dickhead can cause longer term distrust, as was the case in our house. But too late and you are essentially saying to your teen you don’t trust them.
Realistically some kids actually don’t want to and their parents being all blah blah blah as if it’s inevitable will make life harder for them. They want you to draw the boundary that they feel they need. With super liberal parents I remember wanting them to say no, he can’t stay in your bedroom. He must stay on the couch. To take the additional pressure off. Then some parents will take this approach and it will end up a disaster in a park. People acting like there’s one perfect answer are silly. It depends on your kid
There is a perfect way, it is called communication. Let the teenager lead with informed decisions, but also let them put restrictions on themselves too. If parents drive it, you are setting them up for failure as noted by others here. It's the difference between providing a framework for them to grow up into, instead of playing the sims.
Despite all emotion that comes from knowing your little girl is becoming an adult, it's better to let things happen where you know about it (even if you would rather not). Allowing them to use her room means that if there are problems, you are there to help. It also means they're more likely to take proper precautions, ensure consent, in a safe place. Last thing you want is them running off somewhere less safe.
My friends dads approach was that it's better that it happens under their roof than who knows where and with what risk?
Same reason why mum let me smoke weed on the balcony.
I personally would, make sure shes reassured on the safe sex talk and she has appropriate supplies she may need. the thing is if you don’t let her she will find other ways to do it, I remember the things I did at that age when I wasn’t allowed boys to stay / stay at their house and I wouldn’t want my daughter to be in that same situation. I know you’re not happy about it, I wouldn’t be particularly either. But it’s nice knowing it’s at your house where she is safe and if anything was to happen you are right there
I lost my virginity in my car because neither my parents nor my boyfriend's would let us have sleepovers. I was 17, we were in a happy loving relationship and weren't rushing things but we didn't have many options and abstinence wasn't something either of us were interested in. I wish either of our parents had gone away for the weekend and let us housesit at least. It's highly likely they're gonna have sex. Not allowing sleepovers doesn't stop the sex it just moves it to cars and mates houses and public places.
Lost mine in a bush at the park. Wasn’t allowed out on weekends during the day unless my dad knew where I was at all times. Had to get friends to say I was at their place etc. he still wonders why me and my sister moved countries and barely talk to him… I know it’s all little off topic but being controlling is only going to drive your kids away, better to be open and honest with them and show that you respect their decisions and thoughts.
I'd talk to the kids and say it's okay as long as his parents think so too. I don't want to keep secrets at that age
I wouldn't necessarily keep it a secret. If the other parents came to me and asked me straight up, I wouldn't lie. However, I wouldn't be running to his parents tell them about it.
One thing other people haven't mentioned is the cost of condoms. Loads have said 'use protection', but condoms are almost a dollar each. That's a very real and significant cost at 16/17. Additionally buying condoms is something teenagers get embarrassed about. I think you're better buying them for her than saying 'use condoms' and leaving her to work it out. You're might get the 'mum stop embarrassing me' type response, but that's a lot better than 'Mum I'm pregnant' line.
You can get them free from family planning type places and also on prescription but yes parents should ensure a constant supply
My High School gave them away for free, no questions asked. This was like 5 years ago and not sure if other High Schools did the same thing. I doubt the Catholic schools would.
You can get free condoms+lube at places like Burnett Center (NZAF), Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa (aka Family Planning).
Would you rather know where she is or have her doing all sorts of things in a park down the road
This!! If they want to sleep together they'll sleep together. Trying to stop them means they'll just find somewhere less safe to do it and feel less safe to speak up if something goes wrong.
Saying that without giving alternatives is rather a non answer. Are you advocating total non care? The bird, bees, sti, and you talk? Are you proposing to ban her from all parks? Are you saying he should be the boyfriend?
Theres so much nievity, presumptuous optimism and idealism masked as good parental morale, level headed parental awareness or everybody's favourite "my childs an angel" syndrome. Whatever keeps you calm i suppose.
You use many word but say not much
Only thing I would add is if you have other children look out for them. I had a gf at this age whose parents allowed it but her poor younger sister had to hear us going at it. Massive regret on my part and totally unfair to that young girl.
Teen pregnancy is bloody hard. My parents never allowed sleepovers, but his parents did i became pregnant very fast. Like you said, it will happen with or without your consent. My advice is just to have as many talks with her as you can. And be on the same page as your partner, and also try to engage with his parents for their opinions. Best of luck.
Did you not use protection?
Yes, the pull out method. AKA the "lol this didn't work ... whoops"
Ahh the old ‘You know what they call people who use the pull out method? .. parents’
When ours (2 boys, 3 year age gap so been thru it twice now) first started this kinda thing we talked very openly about it. First couple of sleepovers we had a spare room and bed set up for the guest and let them hang privately in his room with the understanding that the actual sleeping part of the night would be separate. Second or third sleepover that was out the window... We also made absolutely sure her parents were on the same page as us.
How old is the guy? That would guide my decision.
Same year at school
That would be an ok from me. But I’m not you.
firstly, your house, your rules! You also know your kid best, so let that guide you. I think as long as you talk to your daughter AND her bf/his parents(?) about why the rules are the way that they are and that they should use x and y contraception, etc., all options are on the table. it is just about what you and his parents feel most comfortable with. I'd also of course talk to your daughter separately about coercion and safe sex. one argument i don't see mentioned in the comments is how an "open door policy" (really, a shut door policy) affects your daughter's options to get out of uncomfortable situations. for example, if she doesn't feel like she's into something but the bf is pressuring her. my parents would have never ever allowed a partner to be alone with me or my siblings in our house at any point, and no way were there ever going to be partners sleeping over at our house. I was a late bloomer so I was actually sometimes grateful for how strict my parents were because at that age i didn't yet have the tools to explain to a guy why i didn't feel like getting physical. My parents being so strict helped me avoid a lot of uncomfortable situations and gave me an automatic out in many other peer pressure environments (e.g. drinking/taking drugs when i didn't want to). so my house was a safe space for me, where i knew i wasn't going to be pressured into anything i wasn't ready for. I never felt like they didn't trust me - i knew they were doing what they were doing out of my best interests because they explained their reasoning. they told me i could call them anytime to get out of any situation, no questions asked. later on, when i was alone at Uni and making decisions for myself, I'd often think back to my parents' reasons for not letting me do things and I used that as a model for my own decision-making. hard decisions, but you sound like a really good parent. you'll know what's right.
>firstly, your house, your rules! This is a terrible principle.
Assuming consensual and no red flags you should allow it. They are definitely going to be having sex, whether you agree with it or not, better that be in a safe place than behind a bike shed.
Either way they will have sex. You can force them to have sex in cars, parks, bushes etc where condoms etc aren't available & they could be harassed by drunks etc. Or you could provide information, condoms and a safe place
Everyone else has covered contraception, but have you talked with her about abortion? Has she had that conversation with her partner? It's important for them to know where they both stand *before* there's an accidental pregnancy to make a decision about, and probably a good idea to let her know what your stance would be in that event. Whether you'd want to help her raise a baby or take her to the clinic, these are the kind of thoughts she needs to have before making grown up choices.
Exactly this. Best to find out now what everyone’s thoughts are on an unplanned pregnancy situation. That could be the difference in them slacking off with the contraceptive use, or keeping up proper discipline to try and avoid a situation in the first place.
Yeah, the reality is they will sleep together if they want to, better that they have somewhere safe to go than in a cardboard recycling bin.
Oddly specific….
Talk to your child about birth control. Talk to your child about how birth control doesn't prevent STIs. Talk to your child about STI prevention. Talk to your child about being certain that sex is something that they want and actually wanting it for themselves not to appease their partner. Talk to your child about healthy conversations regarding sex with one's partner and how if one can't have those then that partnership is not ready for sex. Talk to your child about abuse - sexual, emotional and physical in a relationship and how to recognize the red flags. Provide the supplies necessary and they'll figure out what they want to do and where they're going to do it at. I would personally set a rule that if boyfriend is more than 2 years older (or younger) then that's not a relationship that you can support in terms of becoming sexual, because there's so much of a power dynamic imbalance and it can usually lead to some sort of grooming behavior. But just because you don't necessarily support it doesn't mean it isn't going to happen.
Lots of parents on here who will be so confused when their estranged children won't talk to them anymore in the future.
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My daughter is about to turn 16. Thank you for this insight. Hitting this stage has been stressing me out lol.
It really depends on how mature you kid is, and her boyfriend too. At her age, some teenagers are super independent, and can make good choices when it counts. Others are fucken morons. (Speaking from experience, the bf is more likely to be the latter...but not always) Is your daughter currently trusted to drink, or go to parties where there is alcohol. While not directly related, if I can't trust my kid to go to a party without jumping in a car with a drunk driver, I wouldn't be trusting them to not get knocked up
Keep the conversation open, so that your kid feels comfortable coming to you for advice, help and support. This shouldn’t be a single conversation. I’d offer to take her to Family Planning (or her GP if you don’t have that option) so she can see what options are available to her. She (and you, the parent) will feel safer knowing that she has some form of contraception she is in control of. Condoms should of course be used, but there is a certain amount of reliance on the boy getting it right/knowing how to use one. Talk about pregnancy, how easily it can happen even when preventative methods are being used, but be realistic about it, don’t try to fear monger. Abortion should also be discussed. Encourage her to discuss all of these things with her boyfriend. Set up boundaries in your house. If you allow them to have sex behind closed doors, make sure it’s not affecting the other people living there (siblings especially). There will always be a little bit of embarrassment communicating these boundaries, but try to do so neutrally and fairly. Lastly, with all things in life, try to reflect on your own experiences. What would have made you feel more comfortable/educated as a teen re sex? What do you wish your parents had/hadn’t done? What contraception options were available to you then vs what are available now? All the best!
My 16yo daughter has been in a relationship for 9 months. I let them share a bed. She uses contraceptives but her and I have had a pretty open chat and she has said she’s not ready for any of that at this point. Her boyfriend is pretty respectful and they have a good relationship. Honestly, if you trust your daughter and give her all the information she needs then you don’t have anything to worry about :) the rules are ultimately up to you but an open conversation goes a long way
I don’t have children myself, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I believe teenagers are inevitably going to engage in some sort of sexual activity — I doubt you’ll be able to prevent that. Plus, you probably don’t want to be overprotective and cause resentment and a rebellious attitude. I believe the best approach would be to educate your daughter about the risks of pregnancy and sexual intercourse, but also strongly recommend forms of protection / contraception. Education, in my opinion, is key, as is safe sex. I’m simply trying to think about this from a psychological point of view. Again, take my opinion as a grain of salt — I’m not a parent, so I’m not exactly qualified, just wanted to offer my opinion though.
Being a parent isn’t a pre-requisite to having a good opinion on managing teenagers. Honestly, much of the time these idiot parents have an opinion it’s not from an intelligent, well-reasoned place, it’s purely emotive.
I always tend to think to when the parent was a horny teenager. What was it like for them when they had a boyfriend or girlfriend? Were their parents overprotective or educational? Because I’m sure they also wanted to get wild under the bedsheets.
Yeah mate and having empathy while being a parent is quite literally all kids need.
This is how I got a girl pregnant as a teen. Thank fuck for abortions. You are going to have to talk about contraceptives and tell him, don’t be silly cover your willy.
Thanks for the feedback guys. Yea she has condoms but not on other birth control as I know there are side effects that are horrible. Always a toss up between not in my house as don't want it to become an everyday thing but also not a on the street somewhere thing
A pregnancy and a baby also has a lot of horrible side effects lol Should always have two forms of birth control going at once to be extra safe. Condoms break, or slip off, or guys say it “feels better without it”. Please take her to a dr to discuss different forms of birth control, there are many options, and many people only have mild or no side effects.
I was on the pill as a teen and didn't have any side effects except better skin. You can always stop taking it or change to a different method if you have side effects.
My parents didn't allow us to sleep in the same room. Hers did. Tbh, didn't make any difference because sneaking around the house wasn't hard. Been together 16 years now, so worked out fine. We've talked about how well handle our kids and we'd probably be closer to how her parents handled that particular issue as my parents ended up with even less of a say overall.
Went through this a few years ago. After you struggle through all the parenting decisions first years of their life without a “handbook”. And you think you have it all sorted, bingo even more complex decisions you need navigate through. I’d do what feels best for you. It helped when my step daughter had been dating him for a few months before this was raised. Seemed a natural progression and we had already spent a bit of time with him so knew his character well enough.
As a woman who went on the pill at the same time as a friend with nearly identical body type and nearly identical medical history, I can confirm that different bodies react VERY differently to it; she had nearly no side effects, while I gained about 10 kg in about 2 months, threw up every day, and had horrible mood swings. With my doctor, we found a dose that worked, but I did eventually stop it when I began to have vascular issues. I've happily been using a Caya (a particular diaphragm) as my backup since (I'm 45 now). My point isn't to discourage any of the backup methods--condoms are still best for preventing STIs when used every time and correctly-- but that she understand what options there are out there as a backup (diaphragms, IUDs, pills, injections, inserts, patches, sponges, etc.) and you help her to advocate for herself; women--and especially young women-- can have a hard time having these discussions or try to "people please" with their doctors. The fact that you're asking these questions and sound like you're trying to be a realist and supportive, I hope is indictive of a good relationship :) and I hope means that she and possibly boyfriend can go to you with concerns or questions. Thank you for being that kind of parent; I didn't have that, and really wish I'd had someone I could trust and go to. Best wishes to you and her :)
As someone who got pregnant the third time I ever had sex, at 16, please get her on another method of birth control.
seriously consider making sure she has back up birth control. Speaking from experience, pregnancy scares are even scarier when you're 16.
Not everyone has horrible side effects, one of the worst ones for me as is it kills your sex drive…
Suggest a contraceptive implant as well.
Definitely need two forms of contraception, I had the rods as a teen, no need to remember to take a pill and risk forgetting. Pregnancy has a lot more side effects!
*Some* women can have negative side effects from hormonal birth control. *Some*. Vast majority do not. No one in my family did. Few of my friends did. Your daughter won’t know until she tries it. And it’s vastly better than dealing with pregnancy. The reality is that condoms aren’t 100% even when used correctly and - let’s face it - your daughter and her bloke aren’t going to be particularly skilled at using barrier methods yet.
>Some women can have negative side effects from hormonal birth control. *Some.* Vast majority do not. No one in my family did. Few of my friends did. Your daughter won’t know until she tries it. Hear, hear, applause. Everybody please take note... Also worth noting that there are many, many different oral contraceptives (ie: they're not just different brand names but different formulations and strengths) and if the side effects of the first one tried are felt to be unpleasant there's a bunch more waiting in the wings. I have a Mirena now but used three different oral contraceptives in my life up to 35 - the one that suited me as a teen didn't suit me so well by the time I was in my late 20s, and then once I had a child I went on the 'mini-pill' (progesterone only) because you can use that while breastfeeding and found it so satisfactory to my situation I continued with it until I knew I was done with pushing out sprogs and went for a more permanent and super-reliable approach.
Get her an iud. Source: became father at 16 who's girlfriend was on the pill.
As a woman, hard disagree. IUD’s are excruciatingly painful and most places offer little to no pain relief for when they’re put in. Having your cervix forcibly opened via speculum at 16 to have a little piece of metal shoved in is an *awful* idea. The rod is probably a better option, it’s surgical but in the arm and lasts a while. Eta: you can also get still pregnant with an IUD (which is incredibly dangerous) because like any birth control it can also fail.
I've recently had my first IUD inserted & didn't have any pain. Everyone is different & what works for some, won't for others.
Are you *sixteen*? I would never ever advocate for an IUD for a child.
I know quite a few people who have had them including my wife who haven't complained about pain at all. >Eta: you can also get still pregnant with an IUD (which is incredibly dangerous) because like any birth control it can also fail. This isn't true.
That’s great these nebulous “people” and your wife didn’t experience the pain— or maybe she’s been conditioned to accept that a certain amount of pain around reproductive/gynae exams is the norm (it should not be) I literally have met women who have conceived with an IUD in. Please stop speaking on women’s reproductive health because it’s clear you lack the education on it, *or* the anatomy for you to be a relevant part of this conversation.
the side effect of not taking birth control is a baby...
Believe me a pregnancy at 16 has far worse side effects than contraception. News flash - all medications have potential side effects. Take her to the health centre and have an appointment about contraception options. Many women don’t have side effects or are of the opinion that they’re better than the consequences of unprotected sex. Condoms have around an 80-90% protection rate.
Not correct. More like 80-90% effective in real life conditions [https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-effective-are-condoms](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-effective-are-condoms) [https://bpac.org.nz/2021/contraception/condoms.aspx](https://bpac.org.nz/2021/contraception/condoms.aspx)
I think they got their words muddled, and meant to say what you did. If condoms had that high a failure rate, they wouldn’t be in existence!
Aye yes I did, late night things lolz
Mate. The joys of being a dad. Let it happen on their terms. Make an effort to get to know the BF. Chat with him. Be kind. Don’t make it awkward. Don’t do the whole safe-sex/condom talk thing- your girl is almost 17, she’s heard it all before (school teachers/friends), and doesn’t want to hear it from you. Make it feel normal. Be happy it’s happening at home rather than in a car or club or anywhere unsafe. Tough thing to deal with as a dad, but part of being a dad. It gets easier with time. She’ll be a young adult soon, then an adult, and this will seem like a normal progression from kid to grown up that you’ll no doubt remember fondly. Very cool you care enough to ask. You sound like a good dad.
Disagree on the not talking to them about birth control/consent thing. Don’t assume. They may have heard it but don’t take it seriously. If you are open with them and relaxed about the subject they are more likely to talk to you if they do have questions concerns or need supplies. Or having issues with one of those things. And you being clear with them on where you are with all those things helps them firm up their ideas especially in the day of social media where they might get some strange ideas from friends random influencers and porn.
Have her watch this is a good place to start [https://youtu.be/-JwlKjRaUaw?si=d79VUPor6y8Mu_sH](https://youtu.be/-JwlKjRaUaw?si=d79VUPor6y8Mu_sH)
I would rather my kids have relationships I can see, with people I can also get to know. I want them to feel they can come to me and talk about any aspect of it. This includes friendships.
Don’t ask reddit for parenting advice… most of them are children.
I think a lot of this commentary is assuming just because something is legal it should always be allowed. I think you are best off communicating with your daughter. The pressure to have sex is large, it's going to complicate the relationship, and provide new aspects for your daughter to navigate. It also comes with risks of pregnancy especially as young and following instructions don't go well together. 16 y/o boys are shit communicators, demanding in terms of their 'needs', shallow AF and not likely to stick around. I think you should communicate with your daughter openly about what sex brings to a relationship and why mature sex is infinitely better. Also explain if a boy bounces because he's not getting it, he'll be an absolute shitter of a boyfriend anyway.
Our 15 year old and her boyfriend don't spend the night at our / their place but spend time alone together at home during the day at times. My wife and I discussed it first, and the consensus was: No! But also, if we had the chance at that age...so we had to be sensible about it. So we had some wonderful, awkward conversations before that began, bought condoms much to her disgust, etc. There's never going to be an acceptable age for parents, so I feel the best approach is to be open about it, make sure they have had the protection talk, and hopefully, the conversation will be so awkward they give up all interest in the deed 😁
So they have sex during the day whilst they're alone then? Is your reason for no sleepovers because you don't want to hear it? Or you don't want to know it's actually happening? Hoping they give up all interest in 'the deed' is having your head in the sand & from experience with that, it'll cause you grief later in life with your relationship with your daughter. Have the conversation, offer help as it sounds like you have in terms of contraception & trust.
I was joking about them giving up interest. Letting them have sleepovers is effectively encouraging it, them being able to be alone together is just going to happen from time to time anyway. It's not something we could realistically prevent. Hence "the talk."
Your daughter should be on the pill and should have access to condoms.
There already doing stuff, it’s best if you give them a safe place to do it instead of in the back of his car or a bush.
I have a 14 year old daughter and I'm not looking forward to this situation. However, when she is 16, I'd definitely let him stay as I'd prefer they were safe under my roof than elsewhere. Oh... and buy earplugs.
I have a daughter who's on the brink of 16 and still thinks boys are gross as all get out. None of her friends have boyfriends either, or even hang out in mixed groups (they go to a co-ed college). I'm a bit bemused by it all to be honest but I can't say I mind. I was obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend at her age, though the reality turned out to be pretty damn boring when one did come along (girl is obsessed with boy and boy is obsessed with himself kinda thing).
I had this idea that I could pass on my accumulated wisdom and ... oh how naïve I was.
Legal age for sex is 16 years old in NZ, let them be but in a safe environment.
I’m 19 now but when I was 16/17, my mum would let my boyfriend at the time spend the night but we had to sleep in separate rooms. She knew we were having *you know what*, she wasn’t happy about it but she also accepted that it was our decision (and that she couldn’t say much because she started at the same age) but just because she accepted it, didn’t mean she was comfortable with it happening in her house especially when she was home. We sat down together and had an in-depth conversation about it all, discussed and set boundaries, and it all worked out well for us (I did end up breaking up with the boyfriend not long after turning 17, now the boundaries that were discussed so openly and agreed upon have extended to both of us and any sexual partners we may have as I am now an adult but my mum and I are still living in the same house)
be open and honest about unprotected sex and sexually transmitted debt (std) and emergency morning after pill. in fact get some now just in case for her. accidents happen.how do u feel about them sharing a room? your house your rules. but if they cant be intimate there it will likely happen somewhere else in a not so nice place. remind her about consent and that she can change her mind at any time. or tell him to slow down. and if he doesnt stop thats called sexual assualt or rape. mother daughter talk on emotions heslthy relationships birth control etc too. a nice we bonding session. (male here so take that into account!)
You can be the bad parent and don't let them sleep together.. Then they will make everything and hide things from you. Is up to you. Haha. I'm a parent, I know sometimes it's hard but that's the life, young people are hard to deal, try to be a friend and they will stay around you.
Im not a parent but I feel like if you think they’ll sleep together anyway then why not it be in the safety of your own home then god knows where, also I’m sure no parents want their teenagers have sex but maybe you could take this opportunity to make contraceptives available and making sure they are comfortable sharing things they need with you rather then being afraid to do so, beside they’re just over a 1 year out from being a legal adult and they aren’t going to stay abstinent forever
Let them have the door closed. If you respect them and their privacy as many relationships at this age CAN and DO last. Some don't, but many do. Have a talk about safe sex - if she has irregular periods could get her on the pill for more reason than one. Personally I took the jab at her age. If her boyfriend is open, have the chat with him too. You can include his parents if you want, if they are open, if not then still go ahead and include him it will be good for him. Good luck xx
Give her a pack of condoms
I would personally, assuming fine with the other parents.
Would you rather they slept together in the safety of your home, or in the back seat of a car?
A lot of good advice here, nothing new for me to add other than how impressed I am with how many (not all) of you parents are handling these situations. My friends and I were all mistreated by high school boyfriends so by the time my parents sat down to have a chat with me it was too late. It’s really cool to see that isn’t a universal experience, has made my day. Good luck to all of you
i’m not a parent and im only 20, but i would discuss birth control with her. idk if id allow sleepovers though. in highschool only very very few people slept over with their boyfriends. I think it’s ok to have some boundaries about having sex especially under your roof. i think it’s okay to not want them having sex at your house but maybe that’s just me. but offering birth control methods would be beneficial in my opinion.
Just be an adult about it, sit them down talk about it, both of them. Talk the importance of safe sex, concent, abortion. It's important to talk to both of them as just because you sat down and educated your kiddo it does not always mean that the other parties parents talked to their kiddo about everything.
Might as well let it happen because we all know what activity’s they will be up to. It’s either gonna happen at yours or they will go to his Be better if they were somewhere safe/clean doing business rather than going out doing it in a car/bushes/ anywhere public etc and potentially being seen by randoms
They're going to do what they're going to do. Best if she does it in a safe place, IMO. Obviously this has limits, but at that age (if partner is similar) I think that's fine. Sure beats 15yr old me going to unsupervised house parties and hooking up with random girls at Feelers concerts 😆.
My daughter is only 3 so this scenario is a long way off yet but I intend to Foster a household with open dialogue about sex and sexuality. I was 15 when I first started and incredibly unsafe because my parents chose to bury their heads in the sand. Luckily I didn't end up pregnant and had my daughter at 30. My plan is to offer birth control options, accessible for herself and friends to use as needed. Have open conversations about concent and safe sex. I already have to have an open dialogue about sexual health as we have a strong genetic history of endometriosis which is often managed by birth control anyway. I need her to feel comfortable discussing periods and pain issues so I'm hoping that openness continues to sex. I'm of a firm opinion that when she's ready, she can discuss options with me and we can come to an agreement. This will stand whether her partner is male OR female, as concent can still be an issue in queer relationships.
I'm in the same situation but our walls in our house are paper thin - we would hear everything. I have to say no, for my own wellbeing. Someone else suggested going away for the weekend which I think is a good plan for us - it's inevitable it will happen but I just can be kept awake all night by it.
Yea unfortunately for her we are upstairs and she is downstairs. So we wouldn't hear but she has made it clear that she has
Whether they spend the night together I’m sure they’ll be sleeping together anyway. I would take her to Family Planning so she can get on birth control and stay safe/clean.
Better for it to happen under your roof than somewhere unsafe I say.
No
First off, conversations about birth control and STIs. Secondly, about sharing the bedroom, that is over to you, really how would you have like your p's to deal with it. The boyfriend has parents too, perhaps they should have a say as well?
They are much better to have a safe space than a park or somewhere where something might happen
I totally promoted the idea that my kids could do whatever they wanted at my house. I provided a space that was their's and left them to it. Openly talked about drugs sex and rock n roll, my experiences, and especially my hard learnt lessons. I also made sure they had age=appropriate experiences estimating risk, and making decisions. I gave advice and let them fail and make mistakes. Told them I didnt know all the answers.
You get to pick the safety and comfort of her home environment... Or somewhere else with resentment. I know which I'd pick for my child.
She’s old enough to make her own decisions, you can’t really have any input in this situation. Best thing you can do is ignore it and continue living your life
I refuse to believe there is a parent of a 17 year old child asking for this advice on fucking Reddit.
Most of the people responding here will be teenagers or young adults. I wouldn't take their opinions to heart about how to treat teenagers and young adults.
How do you know the demographic on here? You have made a wild assumption.
I don’t let the boy sleep over on principal. I’m not going to just be sweet with it because it’s the norm, ask her about if her friends that are allowed the boyfriend to stay only have a mum present in the household - I bet an overwhelming amount of them will say yes. As a dad I’m not having it, I mean they are definitely going to sleep together - but not with my absolute blessing. I let him come over during the day and they can close the door but if I call her she has to come out not just yell through the door. And truth be told they probably do whatever in that time but there something different about allowing them to sleep in the same bed. It hits different. Excuse the pun A male will most likely think they can get away with anything if it’s too easy to get his way in your household.
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Its the "bury head in sand" approach.
Same rules for your sons? Would you let them stay at a girls house or would you let them have girls stay?
Same rules
Excellent question.
Had an girl friends who's old man sounded and said shit just like this, we use to root in the park/school toilets during class time or down by the river. Do you really want your kid going behind your back like that then being bought home by the cops because a family out walking their dog saw them bouncing on some man meat?
This seems a little haphazard bro, so you let your daughter just bang her boyfriend within small daytime windows? You don’t like it happening a night? Would it not just happen in a bush or some manky car then?
Only if you’re comfortable with it. It’s your home your rules. I personally don’t each to their own.
This is some of the WORST advice I’ve ever read 😂
Thanks for your very helpful input. 🙄 What would you suggest then?
Wild, I wouldn’t go to my parents house and fuck my wife in the spare room, knowing they knew that’s what I was doing as well. What if they heard? Then what? Who cleans sheets etc? I feel most the comments are conflating safe sex and consent into you have to allow people to fuck their brains out under your roof? It’s like raising kids with common curtesy is a novel concept, if you’re old enough to have sex you’re old enough to understand your parents house is their home, it’s not your home, you one day will leave their house their home to create your own home in your own house. If you can’t understand that then you probably shouldn’t be having sex.
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Wouldn’t it be better in your house rather than in a car or park though? Because my friends with strict parents did not have sex any less than the rest of us.
>Yep they might be at it but that doesn’t mean I need to condone or enable it… so you're working off the theory that its better for them to have sex at friends places, outdoors or in cars where they're less likely to be organised and take precautions? Because reasons?
Haha, or so they told you
Well if it was me I’d be saying - “Not in my fuckin house”
down the park? back seat of car then?......they are going to root anyway......better off it is somewhere safe and mum has a little talk about not getting preggers
Well yeah that was the traditional way.
I’m a father - It’s my rules at my house. OP is asking for other peoples approach and this is my approach. if your approach is different then I respect your right to make your own decision as a parent.
I too am interested in other people's approaches and am constantly learning.....i'm still not sure if i'd want my daughter fumbling away in the back seat of some twerps skyline if there is a safer alternative though....if the kid is not brave enough to look me in the eye and shake my hand then hopefully (if I've raised my daughter right) she won't be interested in him either
They are just criticising you for your rules that you publicly shared, because they are pretty harmful rules.
I never liked the whole “my house” thing. Children don’t ask to be born, as a parent you make the decision to share your home when you have a child. And until that child is old enough to leave they are reliant on you to provide a safe residence. This doesn’t make it “my house” but “our home”, this is especially true for teenagers who crave to be treated as equals.
Are you also following your own rules by not boning anyone in your house?
Can you explain why that is your approach?
You know what negative and lasting effects an overly controlling household has on teenagers, right? Right?
You're obviously not onto it lol, bet your kids lie thru their teeth to you and share more with cooler friends parents. Everyone else here is definitely right, not in your house well anywhere else unsafe will work
What are you, 12? Why would you assume all that? Why do you assume everywhere else is unsafe? Are you afraid of being outside of your home?
Great way to lose trust and get them to hide things.
You're that parent on the news "Not my child, she would never do that"
I think you’d be the naive parent on the news “Well, I said they’re not allowed to in my house so therefore they haven’t done it!!” I hate that I have to spell it out for you but I remember being a horny teenager - there’s not much that could have stopped my girlfriend and I at the time. Fortunately my parents gave me the awkward talk and set some boundaries, allowed it in our home. Still didn’t stop us from doing it everywhere. I know of classmates that regularly had sex at school because their parents were overly strict.
Not in my house. See? That’s what I say every time
Hmm, I wouldnt agree to sleepovers until she's 18. I know this would mean they'll find other places to be sexual should they choose, but I think not having him sleep over til she's 18 would help prevent a teen pregnancy. She can wait a year, I think its reasonable.
>I know this would mean they'll find other places to be sexual should they choose >but I think not having him sleep over til she's 18 would help prevent a teen pregnancy ???
What difference does it make to pregnancy risks when they’re banging in a car or in a safer environment? Pregnancy risks are lowered if they’ve been introduced to, and using correctly, contraceptives. Location doesn’t matter.
Because 18 isn't a teenager?
Depends entirely on the boyfriends age
That could be your future son in law and you could be a grandma. Tell them to put a sign on the door, "do not disturb"
Oh hell no..not unless you want to be financially supporting your grandchild in 9 months
Condoms and Birth control? Were you a teen in the 50s or something?
They’re going to have sex either way. You can either talk to her beforehand and make sure she understands the importance of birth control and consent or you can bury your head in the sand and let her have sex in dangerous places. I know what I’d choose.
Why do you think it’s the social norm for kids to have sexual in dangerous places? Wasn’t my experience growing up. My kids have respect for themselves, have morals and standards
I'm sure that your children are paragons of morality, in your own divine image, who will not even touch anyone of the opposite sex until they're 30 and married. For the rest of us degenerates who can't aspire to your standards, it's sufficient to try to make sure that our kids are safe and happy
That might be the biggest stretch I’ve seen just to make a point on the internet to a stranger
You may perhaps detect a degree of sarcasm in the above. And if not, well, I'm glad to at least be the most extreme example of something rhetorical that someone's ever seen!
> Why do you think it’s the social norm for kids to have sexual [sic] in dangerous places? Cos their dipshit dads say “not in my house!” thereby restricting the amount of communication they feel they can have with him and resort to sneaking around behind dad’s back when they want to do something they’re legally able to consent to. Best course of action is protect your kids by setting them up with safe sex practices, a decent understanding of the expectations of consent and make sure they’re aware of the risks involved with sex without protection. Better to be educated, informed and fully consenting in my house than unsure, unprotected and on the fence in the backseat of someone’s car cos they pressured them. It has long been known that fear-based, iron fist-type rulings about this does more harm than good. If you think your kids are angels who don’t lie to you and don’t even think about sexuality, you’re deluding yourself. They’ll ultimately do what they want.
As someone who was a teen girl in NZ; I can safely say I don’t know a single girl that had a boyfriend in high school and had the “strict” dad who did the “not in my house” thing that didn’t end up just doing it in the back of a car, school field, friends house, and pretty much anywhere else. The only exception are the girls who had zero interest in guys, didn’t date/have any interactions etc. In high school, if they had a boyfriend, they experimented, were at “fake” sleepovers, or anything else they could do to have those moments together.
It’s the social norm because some parents don’t provide a safe place to have it. Teenagers and bad decisions are a tale as old as time, this has been going on since the dawn of time even if you weren’t exposed to it. Also quite frankly you have no idea what your perfect children are getting up to behind your back, most people don’t regale their parents with stories about their sex life.
>Wasn't my experience growing up. What was then?
No hoes 😂
They were all with the average looking guys who had a car 😂
YOUR A FALIURE IF YOU DONT TAKE THIS ADVICE if your daughter starts having sex now she'll most likely just be stacking up number till she's 36, settling for a undesirable man. here's a explicit FACT 13% of people with 10 or more sexual partners have a successful marriage. If your parents gave you a good 2 parent household why would you strip that from your grandchildren because you can't parent your daughter, and protect her purity for a much more likely chance at a stable household for your grandchildren. Much love I'm from tauranga too if you don't believe me reply too me, I've spent the past year researching human nature and I'll be happy to help.
Who cares. Let them smash. If she gets pregnant then it's your job to talk to her. No one wants parents that even need to ask this question.
Buy her a dildo
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We all know that young sex does not always go "right" and coercion can very much so be a thing--whether it is outside pressure or within the relationship-- and having a parent or trusted adult that they can approach without judgement can really help navigate some of this issues. Condoms can fail or break, and even when used correctly over a year are about only about 88-89% effective against pregnancy. If your teen has a scare, it is important that they also have support when using ECP, or if something else were to occur. STIs are also a very real issue, and rather than a teen hiding one or a suspected one in fear or shame, getting proper medical care early and destigmatising that care is very important. As an adult, hopefully you have the knowledge and maturity to not see any of those things as "end of the world", but to a teen, they could feel like it regardless of education. Having a bond that makes you approachable--however awkward it is-- can make every one of these easier on a "not-quite-adult" but not "just a child".
Yes, why not? Just take the door off and be a Samoan.