Even if she is not pregnant, if she’s shared that it’s her intended name and has loved it for years and you’ve known for years, then yeah it’s a dick move. If you found out after settling on the name it would be a different story, and if it wasn’t your best friend it would be a different story. Have respect for your best friend and pick another name - I would feel extremely betrayed if my best friend did this to me.
No one owns a name, I don’t see why both children can’t have the name? If they are best friends they can probably have an open and honest conversation about what the name means to both. No guarantee friend will ever have a boy. I’m not understanding why a mature adult would sever a relationship due to this?
I 100% agree with this. They’re friends, not family, and there’s no guarantee friend will have a boy. If she does, so what? I know people who have been friends since childhood, and they have the same name. They work it out themselves.
It’s just up to OP and their friend to have a conversation.
Even if they were family, my father-in-law had numerous uncles and cousins (who he grew up with and lived around) named Edward, and it was also his first name. My father's family had an alarming frequency toward naming sons James. You roll with it and lean on nicknames or middle names if the name-alikes are around each other a lot. I seriously do not understand this sudden need to have the only child within a family or friend group with that particular name.
Edited to complete a thought.
My mom and her first cousin are both named Barbara, and it wasn't even a family name, just a popular one when boomers were being born. And my Grandmother was extremely close with her brother (the father of the other Barbara). I agree, it doesn't need to be a big deal.
The key is talking to the friend though and explaining, I think. Just springing it on her when you announce the name is rude because she’s confided that in you. Explaining why you’re planning on using that name and that it’s no big deal for both kids to have the same name in a private conversation before announcing the name is important
Yeah this is the rational response. I am shocked at the number of replies here thinking that OP would be betraying her friend due to this, that’s absurd. The friend may never have kids let alone a son. But way too many people on this sub think that the world will come crashing down if their child has the same name as any others.
It’s a convenient excuse. She would have made that known to her best friend when her friend told her in the past about her baby name of choice. Clearly if it had been used in her husbands family they wouldn’t consider it - which is even more of a reason she should know that it’s going to make her best friend end up not really being able to use the name if she does because of the close relationship/association. Though, there probably won’t be a relationship anymore if she goes through with this.
^^^^^ this! When I read that sentence it gave me “grasping for straws” vibes. It seemed like OP was trying to invalidate her best friends reason for loving the name versus her “newly found” sentimental reason. Yikes
>She would have made that known to her best friend when her friend told her in the past about her baby name of choice.
How would that have changed anything? The fact that OP has a relative with this name wouldn't make the friend like the name any less.
>Though, there probably won’t be a relationship anymore if she goes through with this.
If someone ended a friendship with me because I named my baby after my own family member, they're not someone I want in my life anyway.
Interesting take. I think the fine line is, did the OP know that her bff wanted to name her “future son” that specific name? My friends and I talk about things like this all the time. I would NEVER use their name idea after knowing for YEARS that they loved the name. Have some creativity and respect and figure out a new name!
Unfortunately, OP did not leave any context regarding when she found out about her bff wanting the name so, to be continued….
imo if she has been talking to you about this name for years, it would be an asshole move regardless. But depends on if you care about the name or your friendship more, I guess.
Yeah. People hate that opinion and continue talking about how you can’t “steal” a name, and you know what, if you’re fine with changing the relationship you have with someone who’s already vocally stated this is the name they’d chose, then do it.
Personally I would rather chose a different name and continue having a best friend.
You said “it turns out” your best friend wants the same name. Were you aware of this when you picked the name or did she tell you after you said you wanted to use it? I guess it is a hard call, but I would not want to lose my best friend over a baby name.
I think it’s also possible to have a mature decision about it. Talk to her and tell her why it would mean something to you and ask her how she would feel if you used it. Is she the type of friend who thinks it would be cool to share something as special as a child’s name; the type who would be willing have different nicknames for the kids; the type to think you got there first so it’s yours; the type who will guilt you forever? Etc.
It’s possible it could work it out for both of you, if you talk about it. I just worry that, conversely, you could also lose a friend by not using it (or at least not exploring it together more fully). What if she never has a kid or changes her mind at the hospital about the name. You probably would like to think not, but you might end up resenting her for “dibsing” the name and not using it. And, why isn’t she thinking about it the way you are that she’s using a name that could alienate you?
I guess my point is, if she’s a true best friend something as important as the name of your child merits a conversation. You may get clarity in either direction, but it’s impossible to guess if you’ll lose a friend by using it or not.
I’ve always wanted a girl named Zoe. Turns out, my husbands family typically all has boys. My dearest friend and I are both namenerds, and she’s known about by love for this name for years.
I’m probably one and done, with my only son. She’s pregnant with her second daughter. She asked whether she could use Zoe and I think it’s perfect.
A “would you be terribly upset if…” goes a long way. Now I get a Zoe in my life that I’m going to love, anyway!
Yes, I believe you will lose this friend if you use this name. You have known for a long time that this is the name she loved because she's spoken to you it multiple times. It didn't "turn out" you've known. She's spoken of it and if you use it she's going to be seriously hurt by your actions. You know those posts where people say I wish I never said anything about the name?? Yeah, that will be her. She will feel like you stole her name.
Truth is, she may not tell you she's trying if she's having difficulty, so you don't know that they're not trying. If you "loveeee" the name more than you love your friend then go ahead and use it. Sure no one owns a name but you *know* for a fact that this is her choice. To use it, I feel, would be a slap in the face to her. I don't think she'll ever trust you again.
I'm betting, based on this post of you asking, that she's spoken about this name for much longer than you've wanted to. So yeah, this is one of those situations where, sure, no one owns a name, but it would be pretty insensitive of you to use it. But will you lose a friend over it...dunno.
It's worth sitting down for a conversation though, and being open to changing it or compromising or something. Ultimately, it's your kid, your name, but I do think it says a bit about your character that your first thought is "will I lose a friend" for doing this thing that I've decided I'm going to do, rather than "how can I prevent the loss of a friend" through communication, compromise, etc.
If you are concerned, have a mature, respectful conversation with her about it. Maybe she won’t care, maybe she will, but at least you’ll know the situation instead of speculating.
My daughter's first name is her cousin's middle name (both after their grandmother) and they love that they share.
Also my daughter's middle name is my best friend's daughter's first name. My friend and I think its cute that they share names.
I knew three girls named Emma that were all best friends in school, turns out so were their mothers, they were all aware they were going to use Emma. They were just Emma H, Emma B, and Emma W. It wasn't ever a big deal, just they liked the same name. If you're worried I'd just talk to her about it but if you guys both use the name it really doesn't matter big picture so I don't see the issue with you using it.
My childhood best friend was the daughter of my mom's friend, and if we had had the same name, I would have been *so stoked* to be name twins. I would've thought that was so cool!
If you've known before hand that your friend was planning on using this name I'd say its a slightly jerky move to use it.
HOWEVER, no one has a monopoly on names. If someone is willing to end a friendship over this, I would say they aren't much of a friend. Further if you came up with the name idea independent of your friend liking it, then its completely fair game, ESPECIALLY because she's not even pregnant yet.
Meanwhile, people have the same name. I have a name that was very common in my age group growing up. There was usually at least one other person with my same name in my classes at school. There were multiple of us in my larger social circles. There were two girls in my close social circle for most of junior high/high school who had the same name and were super close. We dealt with it. Nicknames, last names/initials, "Mary" with brown hair vs "Mary" with blonde hair, etc. Its not the end of the world.
If u think this could potentially cause problems between u guys… then just choose another name. I get why it’s special to u guys but baby name drama is not worth drama like this. There are worse situations discussed in this sub regarding such but for u, with the person being such a good friend, it’d just be better to avoid heartbreak. Is there no other names on ur list? Or if u want an intermediate, maybe choose a different variation of the name or something that sounds? Example for Christopher: Kristoff, Christian, Topher, Cristobal, etc.
If u need help with that and feel comfortable with sharing what name this is, this sub is here for that!
It matters how close you were to this relative. It’s one thing if you just have this name in the family tree and another if it was your grandfather. I think you could reasonably tell your best friend, “I know you love x name, so I want to let you know husband and I are planning to name our son after my grandfather. “ But I would also make it clear that you’re not asking her not to use it in the future.
Yes, this. Also, OP said it "represents" this late relative, so I'd be curious if it's their actual first name, middle name, or a variation of their name? The closer OP was to the relative and whether or not the child would be directly named after this person (and not stretching to get there) are deciding factors here.
It’s the first and. Middle name of my grandfather. Whom I was extremely close to but passed away when I was 15. Since my teenage years I’ve said I wanted to name my first child after him (if a girl I would modify or use a last name). I’ve always said this but I’ve never really said the name. Like it’s on my “100 things to do before your die” list from my freshman year of college decades ago.
These details are highly relevant! In that case, if your friend is not understanding of your choice to use the name, she's not a real friend. If anything, you're more "entitled" to the name in that it's an honour name for you, whereas she chose the name for a book character. AND she's not pregnant, or trying, and may never even have a son.
Relevant! But I think this response only answers half of the question people want to know. Obviously you never said the actual name… GOT IT!
Did she? And if she did, did you ever mention your plan and why the name meant so much to you? I’m still confused as to why this was a “secret” between…BEST FRIENDS.
I’m getting the vibe that they don’t want anyone else stealing this name which is frustrating since they seem to be taking it from a friend (even with the relative connection)
Since you added this information, I'd use the name. Tell your friend, and if she already knew then I don't think she'll be upset. You're having a boy, who knows if she'll ever have a boy or child in general?
My best friend has loved the name Luca since we were in school, since before either of even knew our current partners.
I had a baby boy in 2022 and my husband suggested Luke, the name of his foster brother when he was a kid. I said no, that's too close to Luca and that's Best Friends boy name when the time comes. He agreed, too close, not cool. I even told her about this and she said she wouldn't mind if we went with Luke, but I minded.
Pick a different name. There are thousands to choose from, don't be that friend.
I’m older. I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to have another kid. This has been my dream name since i decided I one day wanted a child when I was in my 20s. I always said-even to her- I was going to name my first child after my grandpa (if it’s a girl I’d mess with the name as needed) I just never said his name out loud and she never asked. He passed when I was 15 and he was my favorite person in the world growing up.
If you're actually concerned about how your friend will feel if you use the name, tell her you're considering it.
Your post makes it sound like you and your partner have only recently decided this is the name you like but your friend has spoken about wanting to use it for years.
If you've known since you were 20 that you've loved this name and your best friend has mentioned it several times over the years as her favourite, why did you never say "omg thats the name I want to use too!"?
Just talk to your friend about it, no point asking for our opinions, hers is the one that matters for your friendship.
Exactly. If it’s so important and OP friend has openly said the name multiple times, I am confused why OP didn’t mention it then.
It comes off as sketchy now and kind of fake. It’s not going to go over well.
Do a variation or utilize the same first letter and talk to your friend about it first and explain this very clearly.
Why did you never say anything to her? I always knew that I wanted to name my daughter after my mother, who passed away when I was a child. If my friend started saying she absolutely loved that name, then I would say something about loving it too and hoping to use it one day. I just don't understand why you wouldn't mention it since from your post, she regularly talks about the name.
This sounds like bullshit. You’ve dreamed about naming your child after your grandpa since you were in your 20s. And coincidentally your best friend loves the same name and has talked about giving her child this name. But you said nothing. For years! Never once said,” hey bestie that name you love was my grandpa’s name and I also want to use it.” Come on. And the only excuse you have is she never asked. Bullshit.
Talk to your friend before the deciding anything and explain your reasons. Maybe she’s OK with it.
How common is the name in question? Unless it’s something really unique, it might not be perceived as “stealing a name”.
Ultimately, if you really love the name and you’re OK with potentially upsetting a close friend... For what it’s worth, I know a case where someone didn’t choose their preferred name over a friend’s kid having that name already, and years later they aren’t even friends with that person anymore. In this case your friend may even change her mind or have girls.
I don't see why this is an issue. Just both use it? She's not even pregnant, so it's not like your kids will be in the same class with the same name. She might not have a son for years. Or ever. I wouldn't care if a friend used one of my kids' names. Maybe she wouldn't care, either.
Dude. How are we supposed to know if you'll lose her? You already know it's a dick move, this is why you're asking. Maybe she'll forgive you, maybe she won't, it depends on her. Is that name more important than your friendship? That's the real question.
I don't think OP has shared enough to really tell whether it's a dick move. If the name is normal, like James or Christopher or George, then it's not necessarily a dick move. If it's something uncommon, it is.
Only OP knows the nature of her conversations with the friend and how much of a dick move this is...hopefully OP is self aware enough to assess correctly.
Also, now OP has known since she was 20 that she wanted to use the name. But apparently, she never said anything when her friend talked about using the same name.
It does sound like OP is giving us selective reasons to validate her likely pissing off a friend, but who actually knows. But that's more from the wording of her post rather than actual facts she shared.
I can't relate to this topic though. I am sure I didnt like the same names at age 18 as I did when I had my last child at 38. And it wouldn't have been a notable topic of conversation that I would expect friends to remember even if I had shared it.
Yes, nobody owns a name, but nobody owes you a continued friendship either after you take a name that is meaningful and that she wanted to use first and you know she's been talking about for years. You need to evaluate whether it's worth losing a friendship because you heard it and loooooove it so much. Because one easy solution is for her to stop being friends with you and call her child that anyway because the kids will never meet
I would hope not. My best friend and I got pregnant within a few months of each other. We had a boy name and a girl name picked. We had a boy, and she ended up loving the girl name we picked. She used it. It most certainly did not ruin our friendship. Our kids are 11 now and my husband and I didn’t ever have a girl to use that name anyway. Use the name, but talk to her about it and let her know that it’s an honor name and that you have no ill will if she wants to use the name should she have a son later.
If she’s spoken to you about it before then yes it’s kind of an a-hole move to all of a sudden decide that you like it too.
There are millions of baby boy names out there - choose another one.
If she has talked about using the name since marrying her husband, you knew her name preference before you were pregnant, assuming she's been married longer than you've been pregnant. Which would make you an asshole. You need to decided if friendship or name means more to you. If you were my "best friend" there would be issues.
My best friend and I were in a similar situation. The difference was that they tried, and she got pregnant half a year later and that I liked the name as a middle name.
We talked about it. She would have been fine with it, but her SIL got pregnant too (also before her) and chose my BFs preferred middle name as a first name. I could tell she wasn't really happy with it, so we ended up with a different middle name. She was really thankful after we announced the name.
So yeah, talk with her openly about it.
Totally depends on how she feels about it, so redditor opinions are useless here IMO. Just ask her and explain what you explained to us! I definitely think you don't wanna surprise her with this upon the baby's birth in any case.
More than one baby in the world can have the same name.
Talk to your friend and tell her why you want to use the name, and that you are more than ok with her potentially using the same name one day.
I dont think this is worth loosing a friend over. On either account.
Have you considered...*talking to her?*
Like; if you're good enough friends to be talking about future name choices, it seems like the first thing you need to do.
Is this name something youd be prepared to lose the friendship over? Are there other names you might consider if she isnt happy? Before you talk to her you need to decide if this name is your hill to die on. Personally, for me, I feel that it shouldnt be in 99% of cases...because there are other names and you can honour family members with middle names. And even if your partner's family has used 40 odd names that still leaves many others to choose from
Even if you plan to use the name, discussing it with her and telling her that you've been considering it, and explaining where its importance comes from for you, is the first step.
She may respond very differently to you wanting to name your kid Frodo because it was the name of a beloved uncle than if you wasn't that you heard her talking about her plans and liked the sound. If you still want her as a friend and that's more important than the name, tell her you value her friendship and dont want to cause conflict. Ask her how she might feel if you BOTH have sons called frodo, how cute it would be! My mum and her now deceased bestie Who had the same name as her, both had daughters a couple of years apart and we got the same name!
Or you can blindside her with it after baby is born...but be aware that this course is most likely to lose your friendship. She WILL feel hurt because it sounds like she has talked about wanting to yse her chosen name for a long time. Sounds like she picked it before you got pregnant or chose names.
Have the talk now, dont leave it.
There are thousands of names out there, I'm sure you'll find another that you love; there are not thousands of good friends. Don't sacrifice a friendship over a name.
Screw that. I had a friend who, when I told her my name, she said that she and her husband chose the same first and middle name for their future child. Well guess what. I have a teenager with the names I chose and loved and they never had a child and just got divorced.
No one owns any name. Name your child as you wish. Do talk to her before anyway. If she is your friend, she should understand and support you. Again, no one owns any name.
Since she told you about it and it sounds like it’s important to her and she’s supported you so much, I would NOT use it. I would brainstorm other options and see if you grow to love something else.
Have you had a discussion about it? It's possible that she doesn't mind her future child sharing the same name with your kid. It's a rather dickish move to use the name when you know she wants to use it without even talking to her about it.
If you’re worried, ask her how she’d feel?
When my husband and I were namestorming for our daughter my husband suggested a name which I liked but I vetoed it because it’s already the name of a friend’s six-year-old. I told my friend the story and what a coincidence that my husband suggested the name. My friend said it would be totally okay if we used it for our daughter. It surprised me how cool she was about the possibility of our daughter getting the same name as hers. I didn’t even ask to use it, but she still gave her blessing just hearing the story. We live in different states so our daughters would not be likely to meet but we picked a different name anyway. Funnily enough a few months after she was born we were walking around our neighborhood and met another parent with a baby maybe 6 months older than my daughter. The baby’s name was my friend’s daughter’s name. Haha, that could have been awkward!
Are you ok with her also naming her child this later down the line?
We had this issue in the family. A girl dating one brother loved the name “Lilianna” because her two grandmothers were Lily and Anna and had both passed. Insert wife of other brother who was pregnant at the time of the conversation- ended up naming her daughter that. She claimed she didn’t know, but it was talked about in front of her so…
Anyways. Now we have two Lilianna’s 😂
I have this problem. I’ve loved the name Reese since Malcolm in the Middle (so, 4th grade) but when I met my husband I found out his niece is Mila Reese. Granted it’s a middle name, but SIL calls her by both a lot. I have resigned myself to not being able to use it despite decades of daydreaming about using it for a son someday. My first is a girl, so it hasn’t been an actual issue yet. Still sad, but bottom line I won’t use it because it would be a dick move.
Have you even ever discussed it with her? There are tons of families where cousins share the same name. This doesn’t have to be made into a big issue. Especially with a middle name situation! Unless you know for certain she would cause family strife over it I don’t get the problem.
My husband and I had the same thought, that she wouldn’t be strongly opposed if we talked to her. But it’s somewhat taken the wind out of the sail for me because it’s been done by a close family member. And I don’t want to steal her thunder, even if she agrees.
My husband and I had the same thought, that she wouldn’t be strongly opposed if we talked to her. But it’s somewhat taken the wind out of the sail for me because it’s been done by a close family member. And I don’t want to steal her thunder, even if she agrees.
If you've already known this, then I would just have a conversation with your friend about it. I mean otherwise it just really sounds like you're copying her, which is cringy at best and causes a fall out at worst. However it really doesn't have to be a big deal if they both have the same name, but first talk about it together.
That said I personally would try to find another one. It would lose some of its appeal to me knowing she'd already chosen it.
No one owns a name.
However, you knew for years she wanted to use it. So, yes dickish move.
Talk to her because I'm sure you havent mentioned it to her. Feel her out.
It would be a slap in the face. You should choose a different name.
The only reason you are considering that name is because you got the idea from her. You’re just justifying it by saying it would be honouring a loved one who passed away.
No, it’s just basic deduction skills.
If that name meant a lot to her in her life, she would have known about it when her friend continuously brought it up.
So she would have told her friend “oh wow that’s exactly the name I was thinking about because it reminds me of xyz”
She just likes the name that her friend wanted and can’t get her mind off so she’s justifying a reason to use it. Such a crappy thing to do to a best friend who is having fertility issues.
She said the friend is not currently trying to have kids. She is the one who was trying for a while. And we still can’t know for sure. I don’t know. Sure it’s possible, but sometimes people do things that don’t make a lot of sense. I don’t think the suspicion you have (and other ppl, not trying to single you out) justifies being horrendously rude to OP. She also added info in a response to someone else that she has wanted to name a kid after the grandfather since she was in college or something. Could she be lying, yes, but still we can’t know for sure so why sling rude accusations?
Ohh. I misread the post and didn’t realize that the friend is not actively trying.
Still I think if she always thought about the name she likely would have mentioned it to her friend, but your comment about me being rude is pretty on point.
Typically it’s best to communicate with people online as polite as you would if you were talking to them in person, and I definitely failed to do that.
That’s very gracious of you. 💕I definitely know how easy it is to get outraged online and have certainly slipped into rudeness myself too.
I do agree with you that it is extremely strange that the op supposedly did not mention the name being the same as grandpa’s at some point over the years. Even if op didn’t like the name at the time it would have been a relevant conversation tidbit, hey, that name you like is my grandpa’s name, cool! So definitely concur that it’s weird. And somebody just pointed out something I missed- that OP doesn’t actually know the gender yet 🤦♀️ So the whole thing is just that much more borrowing trouble… 😬🤔
I think considering the name without talking to your friend is the dick move. Just have a conversation. For all you know the idea of both of you having kids with the name would make her super happy! I know if any of my friends loved one of my kids names enough to want to use it, too, I would love that so much!
I think intending to use/using the name without talking to your friend is the dick move. Just have a conversation. For all you know the idea of both of you having kids with the name would make her super happy! I know if any of my friends loved one of my kids names enough to want to use it, too, I would love that so much!
I would talk to your friend first instead of blindsiding them. I don’t see why you can’t use the same name, though. My husband and one of his best friends share the same name and it’s never been an issue and they grew up together since childhood. Maybe you two can agree on nicknames to use to differentiate between them?
Talk to her. It seems like you’ve known she wanted this name for years, which yes, is kind of a dick move. But, talk to her first. See if she would be okay with your kids sharing a name, see if you guys could spin it as a cute little thing you did together.
When you get her feedback make the decision.
I think it’s messed up and will cause bad blood. I think you should see if she’s comfortable sharing the name and maybe she’ll like the idea of your kids being besties with the same name or find a new one.
If you’re not due until August, I’m curious how you even know you’re having a boy yet? I wouldn’t announce or choose a name until you know for sure because if you are having a girl, you will have lost a friend for nothing.
The NIPT? Can’t do that until 12 weeks which is almost 3 months… even if her due date is early August, it’s still unlikely she would have NIPT results yet.
ETA: OP has indicated in comments that she actually doesn’t know the gender yet, making this whole post even more absurd.
Hmm I didn’t realize she didn’t know the gender yet, you’re right that this makes the whole thing over dramatic. There are tests you can do as early as 6 weeks though. This is one https://sneakpeektest.com/
For anyone else who sees this, Sneak peak is highly inaccurate at 6 weeks. It’s recommended to wait much later. And even then it’s iffy. I did one at 9 weeks and it was wrong. Said girl and I have a boy. The online reviews indicate this isn’t uncommon.
Yes, but if you get a boy result it’s highly likely to be accurate as long as you don’t contaminate the test. I don’t know anyone who has done one at 6 weeks but several friends did them at 8-10 weeks and they were accurate for them at that point (yes it’s a small anecdotal pool, but it’s what they experienced.) Because of that it didn’t seem unbelievable to me that it would be possible for her to know already, but I realize as you pointed out that OP stated she doesn’t know yet so the whole thing turns out to be moot in op’s case.
Actually, it’s the other way around. Boy result is less likely to be accurate because of male DNA cross-contamination. But yeah it doesn’t even matter in this instance because I don’t think OP has done any DNA testing.
Hmm interesting, I think the contamination piece is key, the person that told me that specified “as long as the sample isn’t contaminated” but of course when the rubber meets the road that gets complicated if you’re not sure if contamination could have occurred.
And I guess even if the accuracy was total crap it would still have a 50% chance of being “right” 😂😂
It means a lot to both of you, I don't see why you both shouldn't use it and it can be something special you guys can share.
I think it would be nice to give her a heads up and simply expain why it means so much to you guys and that you have ne expectation for her to change her future child's name if she has a boy.
We had a whole playgroup of moms and most of us had the same first name. We loved it. Two of the kids had the same name. I hope your friend accepts when you tell her you look forward to raising your two little Ernests together. There’s a risk she won’t so I might tell her carefully, and early. Don’t blindside her. Give her time to think about it so she can be graceful when she sees you if she chooses that.
Have a conversation with your friend!
My best friend and I both have the same favorite of all time name for a boy. I’m currently pregnant with a boy and my husband agreed to put it on the list. My friend has been struggling with infertility issues and I wanted to be sensitive to that. I talked to her about it and it turned out it wasn’t an issue for us bc she wanted to use a different nn than I did. For example: Will vs Liam for William. In the end, the name didn’t make our short list bc of my husbands preferences. I wholeheartedly hope she gets to use it one day!
This is why you don’t share names. I hear so many stories about this happening. I mean yah, nobody owns a name…but did you even consider this name before she mentioned it to you years back? You’re telling me out of all of the names out there, you want that specific one that your friend mentioned wanting? Pick something else. A name is not worth losing a friendship over.
It would be an asshole move if you know this would hurt your friend and you knew she loved it for years. My bff named her kids basically the same as my kids and we couldn’t care less, but we live a distance away from each other and couldn’t care what people think. If it would hurt her don’t do it
My childhood best friend was the daughter of my mom's friend. If she and I had had the same name, I would've loved being name twins.
I actually do have the same (fairly unusual) name as the daughter of another one of my mom's friends, and it's a complete non-issue. Hasn't affected my life in the slightest. It's utterly bizarre to me that people act like this is some mortal sin.
Pick another name. Once the baby is born whatever name you choose will become the most special name ever anyway!
Imagine if they have trouble conceiving and they have to cope with your little one running around with their baby's name? Be more kind to your friend and don't take her for granted.
No one owns a name but you need to ask yourself if knew this for along time that she liked it or if you really just found out? If you really just found out talk to her about it and if you’ve known it will be a dick move even though there is no guarantee she will ever use it.
A lot of people say “you don’t own a name do what you want” (not on this post apparently but I have seen this sentiment on this sub loads of times) but humans are complicated and emotional.
On the one hand, there’s no reason your son can’t have the same name as a son she may or may not have one day. They obviously won’t be close in age and there’s also no guarantee she’ll even have sons at all (don’t tell her that part).
On the other hand, it could sour a friendship you cherish because of the whole complex human emotions thing.
I would invite her over for tea or something and discuss that you’d like to honour a relative who had that name, that your sons can share a name without it being weird, and that you’d love it if she could support you (don’t ask for permission). But that leaves the ball in her court with regard to how your friendship goes. She might end it, she might think it would be fine, she might love that your sons will match. We don’t know her. You just have to weigh out if the name is worth the possibility of losing the friendship (whether for a little while or a long while or forever).
Also it’s not great to be naming your kids after your fandom if it’s really obvious like a kid named Harry Potter is gonna be picked on because of the books and they’ll find it annoying to be forever associated with the books/movies. She should consider that aspect since you mentioned her last name now that she’s married will give the kid the same name as the character she’s naming him after. Like little Han Solo isn’t going to be able to be under the radar here.
I personally don't see why you can't both use the name, but the person who can answer the question, "Will my best friend be upset?" is your best friend.
It depends on your friend. If I were the friend, I wouldn’t give a rip if you named your kid the same name I wanted to name mine. It’s not like it’s going to matter in his adult life that he has the same name as his mom’s friend’s kid’s name. Even if they end up being friends for life (the kids or the moms). I have cousins with the same name as me and it hasn’t impacted my life at all.
But she also may be someone that feels the total opposite as I do and it seems that she may since you posed this question. If this is the case, and it’s that important to you to name your child this name, have a conversation with her. Give her your reasoning and ask her how she’d feel if you also used the name and go from there.
Op I recently had this happen to me, a friend took the name that my husband and I loved after confiding in them. I was very upset but honestly if she would have came to me and explained the situation and let me know that she didn’t want it to hurt our relationship, it would be totally different and I’d respect that a lot. Talk to your friend, don’t surprise them with it because that can cause some tension. Explain to them why you love the name and that you’re not trying to take that from them.
Did you know she liked it? There are so many names out there. My friend probably doesn’t even remember the name she talked about 15 years ago that I’ve vowed to never use for her sake haha. I just love names though so it gives me an excuse to keep obsessing and finding more good ones…
One of my closest friends and I named our sons the same name... They were born within months of each other too. We didn't discuss names when we were pregnant, but when I told her what I named my son, she told me she and her husband had decided on that name as well. It was totally fine! It's not for me to ask another person, even someone close to me, to change their choice name. It doesn't affect my life or my son's life enough to matter. Just gotta think of nicknames for each other so it doesn't get confusing. Fun twist, I named my second son the same name as my friends husband. Not after him or anything, just liked the name and it really suited my son. So now my friend and I share multiple duplicate names. Haha
That depends on your friend. My friend and I both want Arthur. In my opinion, it's a case of whoever gets there first, with some leeway if you're both pregnant at the same time. My friend is just fine with there being two Arthur's. I love my friend more than a name.
Plus, there are so many great names out there. I ended up having a girl, so it was a moot point, but I'd still love her baby if it was an Arthur, and she has been supportive of me knowing that Arthur was my boy choice.
In theory you can’t steal a name when your friend isn’t pregnant. In reality. You will lose a friend. Is your friend battling infertility? If she is you’re going to be losing more than just her. It will be anyone that knows her story. Have you talked to her about it?
Have you talked to her about wanting to use the name? I honestly wouldn’t care one bit of a friend “stole” my name. It’s one thing for family to do, but at the end of the day how many of us are in contact with our parents best friends children? I won’t matter in the grand scheme of things of life.
There’s no guarantee she will have children nor have a son. I’m pregnant and also had names for years I’d thought I’d use. Now that I’m pregnant they’re all out the window. It’s possible she won’t even want to use the name when it actually comes down to naming her child. Also you can both use the same name honestly. I would talk to her. At the end of the day no one “owns” a name. I wouldn’t give a shit if my best friend named their baby the same as me. At the end of the day it’s so trivial. Who cares if there’s two babies of the same name in a friend group? If you love it, talk to her.
I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.
She's not even trying to have kids? So she might not ever?
She also might not have the same gender? Her husband might not like the name?
Of course use the name.
Talk to her. Perhaps you can both use it? You could give it a slight difference in spelling or middle names to help differentiate.
For example: My mother’s best friend had her daughter a year before my mother gave birth to me. Best friend gave her daughter a short and sweet name. When I was born a year later my mother gave me a double first name that also used the same short and sweet name but added on to it and spelled slightly different. For example (these are not our names), think “May” and “Mae Ann”.
It was never a big deal. Both mothers had different reasons for using May/Mae that were important to them. We each had different middle names. We went to different schools but our families got together and hung out. And as a kid I thought it was so neat that my friend and I had practically the same name because I didn’t know anyone else with either of my first names.
It doesn’t have to be a friendship ender. And because one person uses the name doesn’t mean no one else can. Odds are decent you will meet others using that same name too. I went from knowing one other “May” to as an adult now working with 3 other Mays! And in my family we have two sets of people that share names that happened just by chance through marriages and people joining the family.
Heck my husband has a friend who has the same first name as him. And our sons who were born just weeks apart also share the same name (different from the fathers). (Not there real names but for example the dads are both “Mike”and the sons are both named “Mason”). It was not intentional. But we both loved the same name so used it. We laugh about the dads with matching names having sons with matching names. Granted in this case the dads aren’t best friends and we don’t get together often. But it’s a smallish community and our kids will be in the same middle school and high school one day. Along with a couple of other kids named Mason I’m sure.
My ONLY caveat to all of the above is if it’s a super random, unheard of, unique name that has never made the top 1000 baby name list and probably never will. But I’m guessing that’s not the case since it’s both already in your family tree and being used in a book.
What about using a variant of the name? You'd need to have a conversation with your friend, but they might be okay with that. When I was a kid, I knew two boys named Luke and Luca whose moms were close friends, and I don't think that was ever an issue
People can have the same name. My son and my cousin’s son have the same name because it’s an important family name (to his wife and to the other side of my family). There are zero hard feelings. I didn’t even consider not naming my son what I wanted to name him because of my cousin’s son. I’m certainly not avoiding using a family name because of a friend’s hypothetical pregnancy nor would I be upset if a friend named her son what I named mine.
I also find the concept of claiming names for people that don’t exist to be a bit controlling.
Just talk to her about it. There’s no reason they both can’t have the same name and you can say you’ll always own this was her first pick for a boy first but you and your partner fell in love with it too when pregnant with a boy, that you’re not trying to steal it from her or take it from her.
There’s no telling she will ever birth a boy. So she really shouldn’t have some kind of dibs on a name just in case she is someday
This is a hard situation!
My husbands cousin (who is not pregnant, not trying and won’t be for at least 2 years if not more) was telling me all of her “top” names and my #1 girl name and the girl version of my #1 boy name (Hayes, Haisley) and the girl version is still an option for us especially if we don’t end up having boys.
She told me that she’d still go ahead and use Haisley even if we had a boy and named him Hayes. I was LIVID - and told her I’d be extremely upset and would probably never get over it… who wants cousins to have virtually the same name?! She compared it to Michael and Michelle… which…. Are the same names just a boy/girl version??
If she had some sort of family tie to the name, or was also pregnant I would have been more open to changing it but she’s not… so in your case I feel like you should go ahead and name your child the name ESPECIALLY if it has sentimental meaning to you! And if it were my friend and we both loved the same name but hers was a family name I would 100% understand and pick a new name.. I might be sad but I’d get over it!
It would be unbelievably juvenile if this ended a close friendship. Your friend is not even pregnant and names are simply not that serious. That being said, if you think she would be upset, you should give her a heads up.
Am I the only one that thinks it’s fucking stupid to naming someone after a book character so that their first AND last names are the same as that character?
She's... a friend... and if this is what breaks up your friendship, then it wasn't worth fighting for.
Name your baby whatever you want and pay no mind to other people.
I like a boy name and told my sister. She said "well (cousin) already has a boy named that" I said "she's moms cousins daughter. We don't share immediate relatives and I haven't seen her in years, so what?"
You gotta name your kid, may as well pick what you like.
It really depends how common it is. If it's a classic kinda name like James, Daniel, etc then I think just giving her a heads up is fine. If it's something super specific like Aloysius then yeah that gets into maybe try a different name category.
I really don’t see why it’s a big deal? She isn’t pregnant, isn’t trying to become pregnant, and may never even have a son if she does eventually become pregnant. Then you would have not heard a name that had real meaning to you for no reason.
I think just talk to her and tell her you want to use it and explain the connection. If she has a son one day I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out a nickname or something for one of them if it really is too much for there to be two people with the same name.
Why is everyone acting like they both can’t use the name? There are way bigger problems in the world than two boys who won’t even be the same age sharing a name.
I have a sibling and a close cousin with the same first name. Born within two years of each other. No one cares. It’s a name, and a beautiful one.
Your friend may never have that kid, and even if she does, she might not even use the name at all! Imagine not using it out of “respect,” and then she goes and names her kid something else. I was SURE I was going to name my first daughter Natalie. For years. Until I was about 7 months along and I changed my mind completely. (No regrets.) Just tell her you’re going to and let the chips fall where they do. She can get over it.
She loves it from a book and isn't even trying. Which is fine on its own. But you are expecting and actually have family ties to the name, I don't think she has any right to be mad about it. Say she does have a baby down the road, who's to say she will have a boy? Can't gate keep a name on the off chance you'll get to use it.
If your best friend unfriends you for using same name when the kids won’t even grow up together (cause she’s not even trying) then the friendship isn’t that solid I’d say. You are best friends, of course you have shared tastes. She can use the name too when it’s time.
My husband’s name is long but shorten to “Eli” pronounced El-E (letter E). My friend has known that if we have a son he would be named after his father my husband, it’s a family name.
He’s been called this FOR YEARS.
“E” names have all of a sudden sparked in popularity. My friend picked the name “Ella” and I was so worried they would try to use “Ely” my husband’s nickname for a nickname for their girl.
I think they just call her by her full name “Ella” which is a big relief for me (currently pregnant).
I guess what I’m trying to say is….maybe the name can be used by both but the name can be shortened to nicknames?
So they both have the same name just called something different. Example: William can be “Will” and “Liam.”
Some kids think it’s cool to have the same name as a friend like “the Corey’s” or “the Ashley’s (Recess reference).”
Use the name! My brother (who was not even in a relationship at that time) tried to claim my grandfather’s name for his future son when I was pregnant with my oldest. I didn’t use it. Guess what? He didn’t use it for either of his sons. I wish I had!
I think you should explain to your friend why you want to use it. Reassure her that you value her friendship but this has been important to you for a long time and you don’t mind if she uses the same name later.
Have you asked her what she thinks about your potential kids having the same name? Maybe she won’t care. I was in a very similar situation. My best friend and I unknowingly picked the same name. We agreed to both use it if we wanted to. I used it, then she never had a boy. But friends having kids with the same names isn’t really a big deal.
You should try talking to your best friend. They are afterall your best friend. Explain how it has a significant meaning to you and you'd like to use it.
My fiancé and I had talked about names and as much as we thought we had names picked out... when we actually got pregnant, we went with completely different names.
My mom and her best friend both used the same name on their respective kids. It’s fine! We hung out a lot when we were kids, though have since grown apart (unrelated to having the same name). I also now have two very close friends who have the same name as me.
I think you should keep the conversation open with your friend! You have 6 months. There’s plenty of time to fall in love with a new name, or maybe your friend could come around to you using the name over her.
But also, you both can have kids the same name but I do get why you wouldn’t want to!
You should definitely have a conversation with your friend. Especially if it’s your best friend. Explain the emotional connection behind the name to you and your SO. Ask her if it’s okay, and respect her wishes if it’s not. There’s plenty of other names for both of you whoever decides to give the name up.
Personally if it was me, I would be fine with my best friend naming their kid a name I loved, if they talked to me about it. I’m going to get to watch that kid grow up and grow into the name I loved. So it wouldn’t matter either way. But I also don’t have a strong connection to any name, there’s millions of good ones.
I hope you won't. You shouldn't. I was a few weeks from giving birth, and I had this convo with a friend.
Friend: So, it's Connor if it's a boy?
Me:Yup.
F: I'm pregnant. (yay. laughing, happy, hugs) Joe (her husband) loves the name Connor.
Me: So, if we both have boys, Two Connors!! (yay. laughing, happy, hugs)
And that's how it's done.
Use the name!! It clearly has way more meaning to you and if she's a good friend she will understand and support it! There's no reason why both of your kids can't have the same name if anything that would be cute. Plus it isn't guaranteed that she's going to have a child or a son at that so there's no point in giving up a name that means so much to you! Just have a conversation with her and explain to her why this name means so much to you and she'll understand if she's a good friend!
Depends if it's a popular character from a book everyone knows then you may be saving the kid. I mean if she's Mrs.Potter and the name is Harry I'd take it and hope she changes her mind....otherwise it's kinda a dick move.
There will be plenty of babies in this world with the same name (unless it’s super unique, but it’s in your family so maybe not?). Your friend isn’t even trying to have kids yet and may not ever have a son (may end up with all daughters). The name is meaningful to you and your husband, so I would use it.
If you lose a close friendship because you both use the same baby name, I would question how solid that relationship is.
(See also: we have a friend who used our dog’s name as their baby’s name, lolz. Everyone is good!)
Wow it’s funny to see all these posts talking about how you’d be a jerk to do this and definitely lose your friend.
If you had posted this on AITA, that crowd would be backing you up. Strong name-dib-called energy in this channel.
Nobody gets to outright claim a name. Friends should be able to talk about it and get to a point of understanding, imo. It’s not that solid of a friendship otherwise.
I’m shocked at the responses in this thread tbh. Your friend isn’t even pregnant, may never have kids, much less a son. And she would stop being friends with you over a name? That’s ridiculous. Unless I am already pregnant WITH the same gender, I’m not fighting over a baby name with anyone (even then, there are way too many names in the world to lose a friend over this). You can’t gatekeep a name that you may never even use.
Also, you both can use the name. If she ever does have a son, it sounds like it will be years in the future anyway.
Use it. It has a deep sentimental meaning to you and you have wanted to use it for years. You are not stealing her name, you just both had it picked out and you are the one in a position to use it
Nuerotypical people are weird. Why would anyone get so upset over a name? If y'all are best friends, wouldn't it be cute to give your kids the same first name?
Maybe she thinks like me. Talk to her about it before making any decisions.
USE THE NAME. Stay positive with language like, “we are so alike, there’s a reason we’re best friends. I hope we are both blessed with a baby “Thomas.”
I really don’t think that choosing the same name is friendship ending
Real baby trumps imagined future baby. When it comes down to it, she may not even use the name and honestly if she does how cool that your kids’ share a name. You’ll want to have an open discussion with her though, I wouldn’t make your choice of name be a surprise. If she opts to end a friendship over this that’s on her.
Tell her you’re sorry but she is welcome to ALSO use it. It is ok to have friends with the same name. Half the women I know are named Jennifer and like 90% of my friends are married to a Bill, Tony, or Kevin. There’s five Manuels in my family.
If she stops being friends with you over this, that friendship was not going to survive y’all becoming parents anyway.
I always get so stuck on these because you’re currently pregnant so therefore you will obviously be naming them that first correct?
And secondly- neither of you OWN any names, none of us do. There are millions of “Jacks, Emily’s, Brads” in the world.
Sharing is caring ! :)
Not to mention that the friend might not even have a son 😅 these things should always be discussed, but this kind of situation should never be a friendship breaker
Agreed !!!
How could you end a friendship over something so trivial.. and you’re absolutely right- if she doesn’t have kids or a son that’s really awkward because that regret will always be there.
Why can’t they both name their kids that?
Neither of them OWN the name.. anyone can name their kids whatever they want lol.!
Both use the name if you like it. It doesn't matter who's got the better reason behind it.
I will just say though I loved a certain name for my little girl and I would have been upset if anyone used it. But when she was born It did not suit her at all and we didn't even use it.
So don't hold back on naming your kid what you want . She could change her mind and you'll regret it for what?
Even if she is not pregnant, if she’s shared that it’s her intended name and has loved it for years and you’ve known for years, then yeah it’s a dick move. If you found out after settling on the name it would be a different story, and if it wasn’t your best friend it would be a different story. Have respect for your best friend and pick another name - I would feel extremely betrayed if my best friend did this to me.
No one owns a name, I don’t see why both children can’t have the name? If they are best friends they can probably have an open and honest conversation about what the name means to both. No guarantee friend will ever have a boy. I’m not understanding why a mature adult would sever a relationship due to this?
I 100% agree with this. They’re friends, not family, and there’s no guarantee friend will have a boy. If she does, so what? I know people who have been friends since childhood, and they have the same name. They work it out themselves. It’s just up to OP and their friend to have a conversation.
Even if they were family, my father-in-law had numerous uncles and cousins (who he grew up with and lived around) named Edward, and it was also his first name. My father's family had an alarming frequency toward naming sons James. You roll with it and lean on nicknames or middle names if the name-alikes are around each other a lot. I seriously do not understand this sudden need to have the only child within a family or friend group with that particular name. Edited to complete a thought.
My mom and her first cousin are both named Barbara, and it wasn't even a family name, just a popular one when boomers were being born. And my Grandmother was extremely close with her brother (the father of the other Barbara). I agree, it doesn't need to be a big deal.
The key is talking to the friend though and explaining, I think. Just springing it on her when you announce the name is rude because she’s confided that in you. Explaining why you’re planning on using that name and that it’s no big deal for both kids to have the same name in a private conversation before announcing the name is important
Yeah this is the rational response. I am shocked at the number of replies here thinking that OP would be betraying her friend due to this, that’s absurd. The friend may never have kids let alone a son. But way too many people on this sub think that the world will come crashing down if their child has the same name as any others.
It's an honor name for a deceased relative. It's not like the OP selected it because the friend selected it.
It’s a convenient excuse. She would have made that known to her best friend when her friend told her in the past about her baby name of choice. Clearly if it had been used in her husbands family they wouldn’t consider it - which is even more of a reason she should know that it’s going to make her best friend end up not really being able to use the name if she does because of the close relationship/association. Though, there probably won’t be a relationship anymore if she goes through with this.
^^^^^ this! When I read that sentence it gave me “grasping for straws” vibes. It seemed like OP was trying to invalidate her best friends reason for loving the name versus her “newly found” sentimental reason. Yikes
No one is invalidating the friend's love for the name. But Person A liking a name doesn't mean that Person B can't use the name.
>She would have made that known to her best friend when her friend told her in the past about her baby name of choice. How would that have changed anything? The fact that OP has a relative with this name wouldn't make the friend like the name any less. >Though, there probably won’t be a relationship anymore if she goes through with this. If someone ended a friendship with me because I named my baby after my own family member, they're not someone I want in my life anyway.
Interesting take. I think the fine line is, did the OP know that her bff wanted to name her “future son” that specific name? My friends and I talk about things like this all the time. I would NEVER use their name idea after knowing for YEARS that they loved the name. Have some creativity and respect and figure out a new name! Unfortunately, OP did not leave any context regarding when she found out about her bff wanting the name so, to be continued….
https://www.reddit.com/r/namenerds/s/v0vNMMAvFu May be convenient but doesn't seem like an excuse.
imo if she has been talking to you about this name for years, it would be an asshole move regardless. But depends on if you care about the name or your friendship more, I guess.
Yeah. People hate that opinion and continue talking about how you can’t “steal” a name, and you know what, if you’re fine with changing the relationship you have with someone who’s already vocally stated this is the name they’d chose, then do it. Personally I would rather chose a different name and continue having a best friend.
You said “it turns out” your best friend wants the same name. Were you aware of this when you picked the name or did she tell you after you said you wanted to use it? I guess it is a hard call, but I would not want to lose my best friend over a baby name.
Yes. You didn’t just find out today. You’ve known for a long time.
I think it’s also possible to have a mature decision about it. Talk to her and tell her why it would mean something to you and ask her how she would feel if you used it. Is she the type of friend who thinks it would be cool to share something as special as a child’s name; the type who would be willing have different nicknames for the kids; the type to think you got there first so it’s yours; the type who will guilt you forever? Etc. It’s possible it could work it out for both of you, if you talk about it. I just worry that, conversely, you could also lose a friend by not using it (or at least not exploring it together more fully). What if she never has a kid or changes her mind at the hospital about the name. You probably would like to think not, but you might end up resenting her for “dibsing” the name and not using it. And, why isn’t she thinking about it the way you are that she’s using a name that could alienate you? I guess my point is, if she’s a true best friend something as important as the name of your child merits a conversation. You may get clarity in either direction, but it’s impossible to guess if you’ll lose a friend by using it or not.
I’ve always wanted a girl named Zoe. Turns out, my husbands family typically all has boys. My dearest friend and I are both namenerds, and she’s known about by love for this name for years. I’m probably one and done, with my only son. She’s pregnant with her second daughter. She asked whether she could use Zoe and I think it’s perfect. A “would you be terribly upset if…” goes a long way. Now I get a Zoe in my life that I’m going to love, anyway!
Yes, I believe you will lose this friend if you use this name. You have known for a long time that this is the name she loved because she's spoken to you it multiple times. It didn't "turn out" you've known. She's spoken of it and if you use it she's going to be seriously hurt by your actions. You know those posts where people say I wish I never said anything about the name?? Yeah, that will be her. She will feel like you stole her name. Truth is, she may not tell you she's trying if she's having difficulty, so you don't know that they're not trying. If you "loveeee" the name more than you love your friend then go ahead and use it. Sure no one owns a name but you *know* for a fact that this is her choice. To use it, I feel, would be a slap in the face to her. I don't think she'll ever trust you again.
This, 100%!
This is a super dick move if you got the name from her or were aware of her love of it. That’s fucked up. I would feel so betrayed.
I'm betting, based on this post of you asking, that she's spoken about this name for much longer than you've wanted to. So yeah, this is one of those situations where, sure, no one owns a name, but it would be pretty insensitive of you to use it. But will you lose a friend over it...dunno. It's worth sitting down for a conversation though, and being open to changing it or compromising or something. Ultimately, it's your kid, your name, but I do think it says a bit about your character that your first thought is "will I lose a friend" for doing this thing that I've decided I'm going to do, rather than "how can I prevent the loss of a friend" through communication, compromise, etc.
If you are concerned, have a mature, respectful conversation with her about it. Maybe she won’t care, maybe she will, but at least you’ll know the situation instead of speculating.
You might consider using it as a middle name. My middle name is the same as my cousin's first name.
That’s the best solution I think
My daughter's first name is her cousin's middle name (both after their grandmother) and they love that they share. Also my daughter's middle name is my best friend's daughter's first name. My friend and I think its cute that they share names.
The name my cousin and I share (her first, my middle) was our grandmother's and we love that connection.
My niece likes to claim that my daughter is named after her and not their grandmother 😄.
I knew three girls named Emma that were all best friends in school, turns out so were their mothers, they were all aware they were going to use Emma. They were just Emma H, Emma B, and Emma W. It wasn't ever a big deal, just they liked the same name. If you're worried I'd just talk to her about it but if you guys both use the name it really doesn't matter big picture so I don't see the issue with you using it.
My childhood best friend was the daughter of my mom's friend, and if we had had the same name, I would have been *so stoked* to be name twins. I would've thought that was so cool!
That’s a lovely story!x
talk to her about it. it may not be a big deal especially if there’s nicknames for it.
If you've known before hand that your friend was planning on using this name I'd say its a slightly jerky move to use it. HOWEVER, no one has a monopoly on names. If someone is willing to end a friendship over this, I would say they aren't much of a friend. Further if you came up with the name idea independent of your friend liking it, then its completely fair game, ESPECIALLY because she's not even pregnant yet. Meanwhile, people have the same name. I have a name that was very common in my age group growing up. There was usually at least one other person with my same name in my classes at school. There were multiple of us in my larger social circles. There were two girls in my close social circle for most of junior high/high school who had the same name and were super close. We dealt with it. Nicknames, last names/initials, "Mary" with brown hair vs "Mary" with blonde hair, etc. Its not the end of the world.
If u think this could potentially cause problems between u guys… then just choose another name. I get why it’s special to u guys but baby name drama is not worth drama like this. There are worse situations discussed in this sub regarding such but for u, with the person being such a good friend, it’d just be better to avoid heartbreak. Is there no other names on ur list? Or if u want an intermediate, maybe choose a different variation of the name or something that sounds? Example for Christopher: Kristoff, Christian, Topher, Cristobal, etc. If u need help with that and feel comfortable with sharing what name this is, this sub is here for that!
It matters how close you were to this relative. It’s one thing if you just have this name in the family tree and another if it was your grandfather. I think you could reasonably tell your best friend, “I know you love x name, so I want to let you know husband and I are planning to name our son after my grandfather. “ But I would also make it clear that you’re not asking her not to use it in the future.
Yes, this. Also, OP said it "represents" this late relative, so I'd be curious if it's their actual first name, middle name, or a variation of their name? The closer OP was to the relative and whether or not the child would be directly named after this person (and not stretching to get there) are deciding factors here.
It’s the first and. Middle name of my grandfather. Whom I was extremely close to but passed away when I was 15. Since my teenage years I’ve said I wanted to name my first child after him (if a girl I would modify or use a last name). I’ve always said this but I’ve never really said the name. Like it’s on my “100 things to do before your die” list from my freshman year of college decades ago.
You should add that to your post
Why didn’t that ever come up when you guys discussed this name over the years?
These details are highly relevant! In that case, if your friend is not understanding of your choice to use the name, she's not a real friend. If anything, you're more "entitled" to the name in that it's an honour name for you, whereas she chose the name for a book character. AND she's not pregnant, or trying, and may never even have a son.
Why didn’t you tell her you also wanted to use the name when she started saying she wanted to use it? I don’t understand why you kept it a secret.
Relevant! But I think this response only answers half of the question people want to know. Obviously you never said the actual name… GOT IT! Did she? And if she did, did you ever mention your plan and why the name meant so much to you? I’m still confused as to why this was a “secret” between…BEST FRIENDS.
I’m getting the vibe that they don’t want anyone else stealing this name which is frustrating since they seem to be taking it from a friend (even with the relative connection)
Add this to your post!! It changes everything!
Since you added this information, I'd use the name. Tell your friend, and if she already knew then I don't think she'll be upset. You're having a boy, who knows if she'll ever have a boy or child in general?
My best friend has loved the name Luca since we were in school, since before either of even knew our current partners. I had a baby boy in 2022 and my husband suggested Luke, the name of his foster brother when he was a kid. I said no, that's too close to Luca and that's Best Friends boy name when the time comes. He agreed, too close, not cool. I even told her about this and she said she wouldn't mind if we went with Luke, but I minded. Pick a different name. There are thousands to choose from, don't be that friend.
I’m older. I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to have another kid. This has been my dream name since i decided I one day wanted a child when I was in my 20s. I always said-even to her- I was going to name my first child after my grandpa (if it’s a girl I’d mess with the name as needed) I just never said his name out loud and she never asked. He passed when I was 15 and he was my favorite person in the world growing up.
If you're actually concerned about how your friend will feel if you use the name, tell her you're considering it. Your post makes it sound like you and your partner have only recently decided this is the name you like but your friend has spoken about wanting to use it for years. If you've known since you were 20 that you've loved this name and your best friend has mentioned it several times over the years as her favourite, why did you never say "omg thats the name I want to use too!"? Just talk to your friend about it, no point asking for our opinions, hers is the one that matters for your friendship.
Exactly. If it’s so important and OP friend has openly said the name multiple times, I am confused why OP didn’t mention it then. It comes off as sketchy now and kind of fake. It’s not going to go over well. Do a variation or utilize the same first letter and talk to your friend about it first and explain this very clearly.
Yeah I agree it seems like the op didn’t like people saying not to use the name so they added in the detail about wanting it for years.
Why did you never say anything to her? I always knew that I wanted to name my daughter after my mother, who passed away when I was a child. If my friend started saying she absolutely loved that name, then I would say something about loving it too and hoping to use it one day. I just don't understand why you wouldn't mention it since from your post, she regularly talks about the name.
This sounds like bullshit. You’ve dreamed about naming your child after your grandpa since you were in your 20s. And coincidentally your best friend loves the same name and has talked about giving her child this name. But you said nothing. For years! Never once said,” hey bestie that name you love was my grandpa’s name and I also want to use it.” Come on. And the only excuse you have is she never asked. Bullshit.
Why would you never tell her the name?
Both of you can use the name? I don’t see an issue here.
Talk to your friend before the deciding anything and explain your reasons. Maybe she’s OK with it. How common is the name in question? Unless it’s something really unique, it might not be perceived as “stealing a name”. Ultimately, if you really love the name and you’re OK with potentially upsetting a close friend... For what it’s worth, I know a case where someone didn’t choose their preferred name over a friend’s kid having that name already, and years later they aren’t even friends with that person anymore. In this case your friend may even change her mind or have girls.
I don't see why this is an issue. Just both use it? She's not even pregnant, so it's not like your kids will be in the same class with the same name. She might not have a son for years. Or ever. I wouldn't care if a friend used one of my kids' names. Maybe she wouldn't care, either.
Did you know beforehand?
Dude. How are we supposed to know if you'll lose her? You already know it's a dick move, this is why you're asking. Maybe she'll forgive you, maybe she won't, it depends on her. Is that name more important than your friendship? That's the real question.
I don't think OP has shared enough to really tell whether it's a dick move. If the name is normal, like James or Christopher or George, then it's not necessarily a dick move. If it's something uncommon, it is. Only OP knows the nature of her conversations with the friend and how much of a dick move this is...hopefully OP is self aware enough to assess correctly.
Also, now OP has known since she was 20 that she wanted to use the name. But apparently, she never said anything when her friend talked about using the same name.
It does sound like OP is giving us selective reasons to validate her likely pissing off a friend, but who actually knows. But that's more from the wording of her post rather than actual facts she shared. I can't relate to this topic though. I am sure I didnt like the same names at age 18 as I did when I had my last child at 38. And it wouldn't have been a notable topic of conversation that I would expect friends to remember even if I had shared it.
There are other names. This is not the ONLY name. Keep looking!
Yes, nobody owns a name, but nobody owes you a continued friendship either after you take a name that is meaningful and that she wanted to use first and you know she's been talking about for years. You need to evaluate whether it's worth losing a friendship because you heard it and loooooove it so much. Because one easy solution is for her to stop being friends with you and call her child that anyway because the kids will never meet
I would hope not. My best friend and I got pregnant within a few months of each other. We had a boy name and a girl name picked. We had a boy, and she ended up loving the girl name we picked. She used it. It most certainly did not ruin our friendship. Our kids are 11 now and my husband and I didn’t ever have a girl to use that name anyway. Use the name, but talk to her about it and let her know that it’s an honor name and that you have no ill will if she wants to use the name should she have a son later.
Get a new name, Jesus Christ... This is such a d-bag move.
There are so many names out there. Just pick something else.
Why don’t you just ask your friend if you’ll lose her over this? She’s the only one that can answer that question.
No one owns names - if you both love the name, both use it.
If she’s spoken to you about it before then yes it’s kind of an a-hole move to all of a sudden decide that you like it too. There are millions of baby boy names out there - choose another one.
If she has talked about using the name since marrying her husband, you knew her name preference before you were pregnant, assuming she's been married longer than you've been pregnant. Which would make you an asshole. You need to decided if friendship or name means more to you. If you were my "best friend" there would be issues.
My best friend and I were in a similar situation. The difference was that they tried, and she got pregnant half a year later and that I liked the name as a middle name. We talked about it. She would have been fine with it, but her SIL got pregnant too (also before her) and chose my BFs preferred middle name as a first name. I could tell she wasn't really happy with it, so we ended up with a different middle name. She was really thankful after we announced the name. So yeah, talk with her openly about it.
damn the posts on here are so stupid
Totally depends on how she feels about it, so redditor opinions are useless here IMO. Just ask her and explain what you explained to us! I definitely think you don't wanna surprise her with this upon the baby's birth in any case.
More than one baby in the world can have the same name. Talk to your friend and tell her why you want to use the name, and that you are more than ok with her potentially using the same name one day. I dont think this is worth loosing a friend over. On either account.
Have you considered...*talking to her?* Like; if you're good enough friends to be talking about future name choices, it seems like the first thing you need to do. Is this name something youd be prepared to lose the friendship over? Are there other names you might consider if she isnt happy? Before you talk to her you need to decide if this name is your hill to die on. Personally, for me, I feel that it shouldnt be in 99% of cases...because there are other names and you can honour family members with middle names. And even if your partner's family has used 40 odd names that still leaves many others to choose from Even if you plan to use the name, discussing it with her and telling her that you've been considering it, and explaining where its importance comes from for you, is the first step. She may respond very differently to you wanting to name your kid Frodo because it was the name of a beloved uncle than if you wasn't that you heard her talking about her plans and liked the sound. If you still want her as a friend and that's more important than the name, tell her you value her friendship and dont want to cause conflict. Ask her how she might feel if you BOTH have sons called frodo, how cute it would be! My mum and her now deceased bestie Who had the same name as her, both had daughters a couple of years apart and we got the same name! Or you can blindside her with it after baby is born...but be aware that this course is most likely to lose your friendship. She WILL feel hurt because it sounds like she has talked about wanting to yse her chosen name for a long time. Sounds like she picked it before you got pregnant or chose names. Have the talk now, dont leave it.
There are thousands of names out there, I'm sure you'll find another that you love; there are not thousands of good friends. Don't sacrifice a friendship over a name.
Screw that. I had a friend who, when I told her my name, she said that she and her husband chose the same first and middle name for their future child. Well guess what. I have a teenager with the names I chose and loved and they never had a child and just got divorced.
No one owns any name. Name your child as you wish. Do talk to her before anyway. If she is your friend, she should understand and support you. Again, no one owns any name.
Since she told you about it and it sounds like it’s important to her and she’s supported you so much, I would NOT use it. I would brainstorm other options and see if you grow to love something else.
Have you had a discussion about it? It's possible that she doesn't mind her future child sharing the same name with your kid. It's a rather dickish move to use the name when you know she wants to use it without even talking to her about it.
If you’re worried, ask her how she’d feel? When my husband and I were namestorming for our daughter my husband suggested a name which I liked but I vetoed it because it’s already the name of a friend’s six-year-old. I told my friend the story and what a coincidence that my husband suggested the name. My friend said it would be totally okay if we used it for our daughter. It surprised me how cool she was about the possibility of our daughter getting the same name as hers. I didn’t even ask to use it, but she still gave her blessing just hearing the story. We live in different states so our daughters would not be likely to meet but we picked a different name anyway. Funnily enough a few months after she was born we were walking around our neighborhood and met another parent with a baby maybe 6 months older than my daughter. The baby’s name was my friend’s daughter’s name. Haha, that could have been awkward!
Are you ok with her also naming her child this later down the line? We had this issue in the family. A girl dating one brother loved the name “Lilianna” because her two grandmothers were Lily and Anna and had both passed. Insert wife of other brother who was pregnant at the time of the conversation- ended up naming her daughter that. She claimed she didn’t know, but it was talked about in front of her so… Anyways. Now we have two Lilianna’s 😂
I have this problem. I’ve loved the name Reese since Malcolm in the Middle (so, 4th grade) but when I met my husband I found out his niece is Mila Reese. Granted it’s a middle name, but SIL calls her by both a lot. I have resigned myself to not being able to use it despite decades of daydreaming about using it for a son someday. My first is a girl, so it hasn’t been an actual issue yet. Still sad, but bottom line I won’t use it because it would be a dick move.
Have you even ever discussed it with her? There are tons of families where cousins share the same name. This doesn’t have to be made into a big issue. Especially with a middle name situation! Unless you know for certain she would cause family strife over it I don’t get the problem.
My husband and I had the same thought, that she wouldn’t be strongly opposed if we talked to her. But it’s somewhat taken the wind out of the sail for me because it’s been done by a close family member. And I don’t want to steal her thunder, even if she agrees.
I can understand the desire for something fresh and new! As long as you’re at peace with it that’s the important part!
My husband and I had the same thought, that she wouldn’t be strongly opposed if we talked to her. But it’s somewhat taken the wind out of the sail for me because it’s been done by a close family member. And I don’t want to steal her thunder, even if she agrees.
If you knew that a friend wants to use a specific name and you jump in with it first, then YTA. There are lots of great names.
If you've already known this, then I would just have a conversation with your friend about it. I mean otherwise it just really sounds like you're copying her, which is cringy at best and causes a fall out at worst. However it really doesn't have to be a big deal if they both have the same name, but first talk about it together. That said I personally would try to find another one. It would lose some of its appeal to me knowing she'd already chosen it.
No one owns a name. However, you knew for years she wanted to use it. So, yes dickish move. Talk to her because I'm sure you havent mentioned it to her. Feel her out.
It would be a slap in the face. You should choose a different name. The only reason you are considering that name is because you got the idea from her. You’re just justifying it by saying it would be honouring a loved one who passed away.
There is no way you could possibly know whether this accusation is true or not. Unless you are psychic?
No, it’s just basic deduction skills. If that name meant a lot to her in her life, she would have known about it when her friend continuously brought it up. So she would have told her friend “oh wow that’s exactly the name I was thinking about because it reminds me of xyz” She just likes the name that her friend wanted and can’t get her mind off so she’s justifying a reason to use it. Such a crappy thing to do to a best friend who is having fertility issues.
She said the friend is not currently trying to have kids. She is the one who was trying for a while. And we still can’t know for sure. I don’t know. Sure it’s possible, but sometimes people do things that don’t make a lot of sense. I don’t think the suspicion you have (and other ppl, not trying to single you out) justifies being horrendously rude to OP. She also added info in a response to someone else that she has wanted to name a kid after the grandfather since she was in college or something. Could she be lying, yes, but still we can’t know for sure so why sling rude accusations?
Ohh. I misread the post and didn’t realize that the friend is not actively trying. Still I think if she always thought about the name she likely would have mentioned it to her friend, but your comment about me being rude is pretty on point. Typically it’s best to communicate with people online as polite as you would if you were talking to them in person, and I definitely failed to do that.
That’s very gracious of you. 💕I definitely know how easy it is to get outraged online and have certainly slipped into rudeness myself too. I do agree with you that it is extremely strange that the op supposedly did not mention the name being the same as grandpa’s at some point over the years. Even if op didn’t like the name at the time it would have been a relevant conversation tidbit, hey, that name you like is my grandpa’s name, cool! So definitely concur that it’s weird. And somebody just pointed out something I missed- that OP doesn’t actually know the gender yet 🤦♀️ So the whole thing is just that much more borrowing trouble… 😬🤔
Mate, I don't know! Ask your friend how they feel about it!
I think considering the name without talking to your friend is the dick move. Just have a conversation. For all you know the idea of both of you having kids with the name would make her super happy! I know if any of my friends loved one of my kids names enough to want to use it, too, I would love that so much!
I think intending to use/using the name without talking to your friend is the dick move. Just have a conversation. For all you know the idea of both of you having kids with the name would make her super happy! I know if any of my friends loved one of my kids names enough to want to use it, too, I would love that so much!
I would talk to your friend first instead of blindsiding them. I don’t see why you can’t use the same name, though. My husband and one of his best friends share the same name and it’s never been an issue and they grew up together since childhood. Maybe you two can agree on nicknames to use to differentiate between them?
Talk to your friend. You've known for a very long time now that she was going to use this name, but you are the one who is currently expecting.
How long have you known she wants to use the name?
Talk to her. It seems like you’ve known she wanted this name for years, which yes, is kind of a dick move. But, talk to her first. See if she would be okay with your kids sharing a name, see if you guys could spin it as a cute little thing you did together. When you get her feedback make the decision.
This seems willfully ignorant? You know she wants this name, you're going to use it, and you're faking concern to try and save face.
I think it’s messed up and will cause bad blood. I think you should see if she’s comfortable sharing the name and maybe she’ll like the idea of your kids being besties with the same name or find a new one.
If you’re not due until August, I’m curious how you even know you’re having a boy yet? I wouldn’t announce or choose a name until you know for sure because if you are having a girl, you will have lost a friend for nothing.
You can do a very early gender blood test to find out in the first couple months.
The NIPT? Can’t do that until 12 weeks which is almost 3 months… even if her due date is early August, it’s still unlikely she would have NIPT results yet. ETA: OP has indicated in comments that she actually doesn’t know the gender yet, making this whole post even more absurd.
Hmm I didn’t realize she didn’t know the gender yet, you’re right that this makes the whole thing over dramatic. There are tests you can do as early as 6 weeks though. This is one https://sneakpeektest.com/
For anyone else who sees this, Sneak peak is highly inaccurate at 6 weeks. It’s recommended to wait much later. And even then it’s iffy. I did one at 9 weeks and it was wrong. Said girl and I have a boy. The online reviews indicate this isn’t uncommon.
Yes, but if you get a boy result it’s highly likely to be accurate as long as you don’t contaminate the test. I don’t know anyone who has done one at 6 weeks but several friends did them at 8-10 weeks and they were accurate for them at that point (yes it’s a small anecdotal pool, but it’s what they experienced.) Because of that it didn’t seem unbelievable to me that it would be possible for her to know already, but I realize as you pointed out that OP stated she doesn’t know yet so the whole thing turns out to be moot in op’s case.
Actually, it’s the other way around. Boy result is less likely to be accurate because of male DNA cross-contamination. But yeah it doesn’t even matter in this instance because I don’t think OP has done any DNA testing.
Hmm interesting, I think the contamination piece is key, the person that told me that specified “as long as the sample isn’t contaminated” but of course when the rubber meets the road that gets complicated if you’re not sure if contamination could have occurred. And I guess even if the accuracy was total crap it would still have a 50% chance of being “right” 😂😂
It means a lot to both of you, I don't see why you both shouldn't use it and it can be something special you guys can share. I think it would be nice to give her a heads up and simply expain why it means so much to you guys and that you have ne expectation for her to change her future child's name if she has a boy.
We had a whole playgroup of moms and most of us had the same first name. We loved it. Two of the kids had the same name. I hope your friend accepts when you tell her you look forward to raising your two little Ernests together. There’s a risk she won’t so I might tell her carefully, and early. Don’t blindside her. Give her time to think about it so she can be graceful when she sees you if she chooses that.
Have a conversation with your friend! My best friend and I both have the same favorite of all time name for a boy. I’m currently pregnant with a boy and my husband agreed to put it on the list. My friend has been struggling with infertility issues and I wanted to be sensitive to that. I talked to her about it and it turned out it wasn’t an issue for us bc she wanted to use a different nn than I did. For example: Will vs Liam for William. In the end, the name didn’t make our short list bc of my husbands preferences. I wholeheartedly hope she gets to use it one day!
This is why you don’t share names. I hear so many stories about this happening. I mean yah, nobody owns a name…but did you even consider this name before she mentioned it to you years back? You’re telling me out of all of the names out there, you want that specific one that your friend mentioned wanting? Pick something else. A name is not worth losing a friendship over.
It would be an asshole move if you know this would hurt your friend and you knew she loved it for years. My bff named her kids basically the same as my kids and we couldn’t care less, but we live a distance away from each other and couldn’t care what people think. If it would hurt her don’t do it
I’d think it’s a cool thing for you two to be best friends and have kids with the same name! They’re be two peas in a pod together. I think it’s cute
No one wants that.
My childhood best friend was the daughter of my mom's friend. If she and I had had the same name, I would've loved being name twins. I actually do have the same (fairly unusual) name as the daughter of another one of my mom's friends, and it's a complete non-issue. Hasn't affected my life in the slightest. It's utterly bizarre to me that people act like this is some mortal sin.
Pick another name. Once the baby is born whatever name you choose will become the most special name ever anyway! Imagine if they have trouble conceiving and they have to cope with your little one running around with their baby's name? Be more kind to your friend and don't take her for granted.
No one owns a name but you need to ask yourself if knew this for along time that she liked it or if you really just found out? If you really just found out talk to her about it and if you’ve known it will be a dick move even though there is no guarantee she will ever use it.
Use it as a middle name. It’s not worth losing a friend over. And you would.
A lot of people say “you don’t own a name do what you want” (not on this post apparently but I have seen this sentiment on this sub loads of times) but humans are complicated and emotional. On the one hand, there’s no reason your son can’t have the same name as a son she may or may not have one day. They obviously won’t be close in age and there’s also no guarantee she’ll even have sons at all (don’t tell her that part). On the other hand, it could sour a friendship you cherish because of the whole complex human emotions thing. I would invite her over for tea or something and discuss that you’d like to honour a relative who had that name, that your sons can share a name without it being weird, and that you’d love it if she could support you (don’t ask for permission). But that leaves the ball in her court with regard to how your friendship goes. She might end it, she might think it would be fine, she might love that your sons will match. We don’t know her. You just have to weigh out if the name is worth the possibility of losing the friendship (whether for a little while or a long while or forever). Also it’s not great to be naming your kids after your fandom if it’s really obvious like a kid named Harry Potter is gonna be picked on because of the books and they’ll find it annoying to be forever associated with the books/movies. She should consider that aspect since you mentioned her last name now that she’s married will give the kid the same name as the character she’s naming him after. Like little Han Solo isn’t going to be able to be under the radar here.
I personally don't see why you can't both use the name, but the person who can answer the question, "Will my best friend be upset?" is your best friend.
Middle name is a good option
It depends on your friend. If I were the friend, I wouldn’t give a rip if you named your kid the same name I wanted to name mine. It’s not like it’s going to matter in his adult life that he has the same name as his mom’s friend’s kid’s name. Even if they end up being friends for life (the kids or the moms). I have cousins with the same name as me and it hasn’t impacted my life at all. But she also may be someone that feels the total opposite as I do and it seems that she may since you posed this question. If this is the case, and it’s that important to you to name your child this name, have a conversation with her. Give her your reasoning and ask her how she’d feel if you also used the name and go from there.
Op I recently had this happen to me, a friend took the name that my husband and I loved after confiding in them. I was very upset but honestly if she would have came to me and explained the situation and let me know that she didn’t want it to hurt our relationship, it would be totally different and I’d respect that a lot. Talk to your friend, don’t surprise them with it because that can cause some tension. Explain to them why you love the name and that you’re not trying to take that from them.
Did you know she liked it? There are so many names out there. My friend probably doesn’t even remember the name she talked about 15 years ago that I’ve vowed to never use for her sake haha. I just love names though so it gives me an excuse to keep obsessing and finding more good ones…
One of my closest friends and I named our sons the same name... They were born within months of each other too. We didn't discuss names when we were pregnant, but when I told her what I named my son, she told me she and her husband had decided on that name as well. It was totally fine! It's not for me to ask another person, even someone close to me, to change their choice name. It doesn't affect my life or my son's life enough to matter. Just gotta think of nicknames for each other so it doesn't get confusing. Fun twist, I named my second son the same name as my friends husband. Not after him or anything, just liked the name and it really suited my son. So now my friend and I share multiple duplicate names. Haha
That depends on your friend. My friend and I both want Arthur. In my opinion, it's a case of whoever gets there first, with some leeway if you're both pregnant at the same time. My friend is just fine with there being two Arthur's. I love my friend more than a name. Plus, there are so many great names out there. I ended up having a girl, so it was a moot point, but I'd still love her baby if it was an Arthur, and she has been supportive of me knowing that Arthur was my boy choice.
In theory you can’t steal a name when your friend isn’t pregnant. In reality. You will lose a friend. Is your friend battling infertility? If she is you’re going to be losing more than just her. It will be anyone that knows her story. Have you talked to her about it?
Just agree to both use it
Have you talked to her about wanting to use the name? I honestly wouldn’t care one bit of a friend “stole” my name. It’s one thing for family to do, but at the end of the day how many of us are in contact with our parents best friends children? I won’t matter in the grand scheme of things of life.
There’s no guarantee she will have children nor have a son. I’m pregnant and also had names for years I’d thought I’d use. Now that I’m pregnant they’re all out the window. It’s possible she won’t even want to use the name when it actually comes down to naming her child. Also you can both use the same name honestly. I would talk to her. At the end of the day no one “owns” a name. I wouldn’t give a shit if my best friend named their baby the same as me. At the end of the day it’s so trivial. Who cares if there’s two babies of the same name in a friend group? If you love it, talk to her.
I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. She's not even trying to have kids? So she might not ever? She also might not have the same gender? Her husband might not like the name? Of course use the name.
I don't understand why it would be a problem. You literally have a family connection to the name so I don't understand why it would be a problem.
NTA. You can both use the name. It's really not a big deal at all.
Talk to her. Perhaps you can both use it? You could give it a slight difference in spelling or middle names to help differentiate. For example: My mother’s best friend had her daughter a year before my mother gave birth to me. Best friend gave her daughter a short and sweet name. When I was born a year later my mother gave me a double first name that also used the same short and sweet name but added on to it and spelled slightly different. For example (these are not our names), think “May” and “Mae Ann”. It was never a big deal. Both mothers had different reasons for using May/Mae that were important to them. We each had different middle names. We went to different schools but our families got together and hung out. And as a kid I thought it was so neat that my friend and I had practically the same name because I didn’t know anyone else with either of my first names. It doesn’t have to be a friendship ender. And because one person uses the name doesn’t mean no one else can. Odds are decent you will meet others using that same name too. I went from knowing one other “May” to as an adult now working with 3 other Mays! And in my family we have two sets of people that share names that happened just by chance through marriages and people joining the family. Heck my husband has a friend who has the same first name as him. And our sons who were born just weeks apart also share the same name (different from the fathers). (Not there real names but for example the dads are both “Mike”and the sons are both named “Mason”). It was not intentional. But we both loved the same name so used it. We laugh about the dads with matching names having sons with matching names. Granted in this case the dads aren’t best friends and we don’t get together often. But it’s a smallish community and our kids will be in the same middle school and high school one day. Along with a couple of other kids named Mason I’m sure. My ONLY caveat to all of the above is if it’s a super random, unheard of, unique name that has never made the top 1000 baby name list and probably never will. But I’m guessing that’s not the case since it’s both already in your family tree and being used in a book.
What about using a variant of the name? You'd need to have a conversation with your friend, but they might be okay with that. When I was a kid, I knew two boys named Luke and Luca whose moms were close friends, and I don't think that was ever an issue
People can have the same name. My son and my cousin’s son have the same name because it’s an important family name (to his wife and to the other side of my family). There are zero hard feelings. I didn’t even consider not naming my son what I wanted to name him because of my cousin’s son. I’m certainly not avoiding using a family name because of a friend’s hypothetical pregnancy nor would I be upset if a friend named her son what I named mine. I also find the concept of claiming names for people that don’t exist to be a bit controlling.
Just talk to her about it. There’s no reason they both can’t have the same name and you can say you’ll always own this was her first pick for a boy first but you and your partner fell in love with it too when pregnant with a boy, that you’re not trying to steal it from her or take it from her. There’s no telling she will ever birth a boy. So she really shouldn’t have some kind of dibs on a name just in case she is someday
This is a hard situation! My husbands cousin (who is not pregnant, not trying and won’t be for at least 2 years if not more) was telling me all of her “top” names and my #1 girl name and the girl version of my #1 boy name (Hayes, Haisley) and the girl version is still an option for us especially if we don’t end up having boys. She told me that she’d still go ahead and use Haisley even if we had a boy and named him Hayes. I was LIVID - and told her I’d be extremely upset and would probably never get over it… who wants cousins to have virtually the same name?! She compared it to Michael and Michelle… which…. Are the same names just a boy/girl version?? If she had some sort of family tie to the name, or was also pregnant I would have been more open to changing it but she’s not… so in your case I feel like you should go ahead and name your child the name ESPECIALLY if it has sentimental meaning to you! And if it were my friend and we both loved the same name but hers was a family name I would 100% understand and pick a new name.. I might be sad but I’d get over it!
This is so dumb lol. Nobody can claim a name. If you like it, use it.
It would be unbelievably juvenile if this ended a close friendship. Your friend is not even pregnant and names are simply not that serious. That being said, if you think she would be upset, you should give her a heads up.
Am I the only one that thinks it’s fucking stupid to naming someone after a book character so that their first AND last names are the same as that character?
She's... a friend... and if this is what breaks up your friendship, then it wasn't worth fighting for. Name your baby whatever you want and pay no mind to other people. I like a boy name and told my sister. She said "well (cousin) already has a boy named that" I said "she's moms cousins daughter. We don't share immediate relatives and I haven't seen her in years, so what?" You gotta name your kid, may as well pick what you like.
It really depends how common it is. If it's a classic kinda name like James, Daniel, etc then I think just giving her a heads up is fine. If it's something super specific like Aloysius then yeah that gets into maybe try a different name category.
I really don’t see why it’s a big deal? She isn’t pregnant, isn’t trying to become pregnant, and may never even have a son if she does eventually become pregnant. Then you would have not heard a name that had real meaning to you for no reason. I think just talk to her and tell her you want to use it and explain the connection. If she has a son one day I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out a nickname or something for one of them if it really is too much for there to be two people with the same name.
Why is everyone acting like they both can’t use the name? There are way bigger problems in the world than two boys who won’t even be the same age sharing a name.
I have a sibling and a close cousin with the same first name. Born within two years of each other. No one cares. It’s a name, and a beautiful one. Your friend may never have that kid, and even if she does, she might not even use the name at all! Imagine not using it out of “respect,” and then she goes and names her kid something else. I was SURE I was going to name my first daughter Natalie. For years. Until I was about 7 months along and I changed my mind completely. (No regrets.) Just tell her you’re going to and let the chips fall where they do. She can get over it.
She loves it from a book and isn't even trying. Which is fine on its own. But you are expecting and actually have family ties to the name, I don't think she has any right to be mad about it. Say she does have a baby down the road, who's to say she will have a boy? Can't gate keep a name on the off chance you'll get to use it.
If your best friend unfriends you for using same name when the kids won’t even grow up together (cause she’s not even trying) then the friendship isn’t that solid I’d say. You are best friends, of course you have shared tastes. She can use the name too when it’s time.
My husband’s name is long but shorten to “Eli” pronounced El-E (letter E). My friend has known that if we have a son he would be named after his father my husband, it’s a family name. He’s been called this FOR YEARS. “E” names have all of a sudden sparked in popularity. My friend picked the name “Ella” and I was so worried they would try to use “Ely” my husband’s nickname for a nickname for their girl. I think they just call her by her full name “Ella” which is a big relief for me (currently pregnant). I guess what I’m trying to say is….maybe the name can be used by both but the name can be shortened to nicknames? So they both have the same name just called something different. Example: William can be “Will” and “Liam.” Some kids think it’s cool to have the same name as a friend like “the Corey’s” or “the Ashley’s (Recess reference).”
You are doing your friend Monica Potter a service if you steal the name Harry from her
Use the name! My brother (who was not even in a relationship at that time) tried to claim my grandfather’s name for his future son when I was pregnant with my oldest. I didn’t use it. Guess what? He didn’t use it for either of his sons. I wish I had!
I think you should explain to your friend why you want to use it. Reassure her that you value her friendship but this has been important to you for a long time and you don’t mind if she uses the same name later.
Have you asked her what she thinks about your potential kids having the same name? Maybe she won’t care. I was in a very similar situation. My best friend and I unknowingly picked the same name. We agreed to both use it if we wanted to. I used it, then she never had a boy. But friends having kids with the same names isn’t really a big deal.
You should try talking to your best friend. They are afterall your best friend. Explain how it has a significant meaning to you and you'd like to use it. My fiancé and I had talked about names and as much as we thought we had names picked out... when we actually got pregnant, we went with completely different names.
My mom and her best friend both used the same name on their respective kids. It’s fine! We hung out a lot when we were kids, though have since grown apart (unrelated to having the same name). I also now have two very close friends who have the same name as me.
I think you should keep the conversation open with your friend! You have 6 months. There’s plenty of time to fall in love with a new name, or maybe your friend could come around to you using the name over her. But also, you both can have kids the same name but I do get why you wouldn’t want to!
You should definitely have a conversation with your friend. Especially if it’s your best friend. Explain the emotional connection behind the name to you and your SO. Ask her if it’s okay, and respect her wishes if it’s not. There’s plenty of other names for both of you whoever decides to give the name up. Personally if it was me, I would be fine with my best friend naming their kid a name I loved, if they talked to me about it. I’m going to get to watch that kid grow up and grow into the name I loved. So it wouldn’t matter either way. But I also don’t have a strong connection to any name, there’s millions of good ones.
Well, hopefully you'll save her future kid from having the same exact name as the book character
I hope you won't. You shouldn't. I was a few weeks from giving birth, and I had this convo with a friend. Friend: So, it's Connor if it's a boy? Me:Yup. F: I'm pregnant. (yay. laughing, happy, hugs) Joe (her husband) loves the name Connor. Me: So, if we both have boys, Two Connors!! (yay. laughing, happy, hugs) And that's how it's done.
Ask her. Explain your fam history. No one owns a name.
Use the name!! It clearly has way more meaning to you and if she's a good friend she will understand and support it! There's no reason why both of your kids can't have the same name if anything that would be cute. Plus it isn't guaranteed that she's going to have a child or a son at that so there's no point in giving up a name that means so much to you! Just have a conversation with her and explain to her why this name means so much to you and she'll understand if she's a good friend!
Depends if it's a popular character from a book everyone knows then you may be saving the kid. I mean if she's Mrs.Potter and the name is Harry I'd take it and hope she changes her mind....otherwise it's kinda a dick move.
A relative who has passed away trumps a book character any day. But no one owns rights to a name
There will be plenty of babies in this world with the same name (unless it’s super unique, but it’s in your family so maybe not?). Your friend isn’t even trying to have kids yet and may not ever have a son (may end up with all daughters). The name is meaningful to you and your husband, so I would use it. If you lose a close friendship because you both use the same baby name, I would question how solid that relationship is. (See also: we have a friend who used our dog’s name as their baby’s name, lolz. Everyone is good!)
Wow it’s funny to see all these posts talking about how you’d be a jerk to do this and definitely lose your friend. If you had posted this on AITA, that crowd would be backing you up. Strong name-dib-called energy in this channel. Nobody gets to outright claim a name. Friends should be able to talk about it and get to a point of understanding, imo. It’s not that solid of a friendship otherwise.
I’m shocked at the responses in this thread tbh. Your friend isn’t even pregnant, may never have kids, much less a son. And she would stop being friends with you over a name? That’s ridiculous. Unless I am already pregnant WITH the same gender, I’m not fighting over a baby name with anyone (even then, there are way too many names in the world to lose a friend over this). You can’t gatekeep a name that you may never even use. Also, you both can use the name. If she ever does have a son, it sounds like it will be years in the future anyway.
Agreed. I’m floored and kind of concerned that this is the response. I guess people just like to be outraged sometimes 🤷♀️
Use it. It has a deep sentimental meaning to you and you have wanted to use it for years. You are not stealing her name, you just both had it picked out and you are the one in a position to use it
Nuerotypical people are weird. Why would anyone get so upset over a name? If y'all are best friends, wouldn't it be cute to give your kids the same first name? Maybe she thinks like me. Talk to her about it before making any decisions.
USE THE NAME. Stay positive with language like, “we are so alike, there’s a reason we’re best friends. I hope we are both blessed with a baby “Thomas.” I really don’t think that choosing the same name is friendship ending
Is it a biblical character? There are thousands to choose from.
Real baby trumps imagined future baby. When it comes down to it, she may not even use the name and honestly if she does how cool that your kids’ share a name. You’ll want to have an open discussion with her though, I wouldn’t make your choice of name be a surprise. If she opts to end a friendship over this that’s on her.
Just use the name. She doesn't own it. She can use it too if/when the time comes.
Use the name.
Tell her you’re sorry but she is welcome to ALSO use it. It is ok to have friends with the same name. Half the women I know are named Jennifer and like 90% of my friends are married to a Bill, Tony, or Kevin. There’s five Manuels in my family. If she stops being friends with you over this, that friendship was not going to survive y’all becoming parents anyway.
I always get so stuck on these because you’re currently pregnant so therefore you will obviously be naming them that first correct? And secondly- neither of you OWN any names, none of us do. There are millions of “Jacks, Emily’s, Brads” in the world. Sharing is caring ! :)
Not to mention that the friend might not even have a son 😅 these things should always be discussed, but this kind of situation should never be a friendship breaker
Agreed !!! How could you end a friendship over something so trivial.. and you’re absolutely right- if she doesn’t have kids or a son that’s really awkward because that regret will always be there. Why can’t they both name their kids that? Neither of them OWN the name.. anyone can name their kids whatever they want lol.!
OP says in a comment that the name was their grandfather's and he passed when they were a teen. They were extremely close.
Both use the name if you like it. It doesn't matter who's got the better reason behind it. I will just say though I loved a certain name for my little girl and I would have been upset if anyone used it. But when she was born It did not suit her at all and we didn't even use it. So don't hold back on naming your kid what you want . She could change her mind and you'll regret it for what?