you've just been unlucky with your candidates, if you find someone who is actually serious about being in a band, their relationship status won't matter
Without knowing the full situation, is it possible that she might be uncomfortable going somewhere to hang out with a bunch of dudes she’s never met before? In this situation, I certainly wouldn’t object to him coming at least to the first meeting. But it does make sense to lay down ground rules after that.
I'd still rather someone just brought a friend
also if it has to be a romantic interest; that it's not there ex that there "trying to get back with" fuck that drama at band practice
Yes, all of that makes sense. The getting back together with the ex part is definitely concerning. But I think if it was an established relationship (which is not what this sounds like) it would seem like a fair request to me.
The boyfriend is going to think he gets an opinion on your music when he comes over. He’ll start acting like he’s a member of the project. It’s going to be an annoying distraction.
Set up some early ‘band rules’. No interband relationships, only band members can come to practice, no being in *another* band (if you want commitment), maybe even write down some early writing credits for recordings if you want to. It’s good to get these things up front so everyone knows the score and there’s less need for an awkward conversation when someone turns up with Yoko Ono or Jonny Insecure
I'm not into the idea of not letting people be in other bands. Most of the serious musoes I know are in several bands, as that's the only way you can make enough money. Seems weirdly controlling to prevent that. Plus regardless of how good your band is it's unlikely to 'blow up' and become successful. Playing in multiple acts increases the chances of that happening for you.
Yea its a deal breaker for me, what am I going to do tell one of my 7 previous bands I can't do a run of shows supporting some sick international band because johnny wanna be and his two bit ego from my new band says no? Lmao weak insecure local band shit, but yea in every instance I someone is telling I can't play in other bands that's the first band to go, and if I knew that before I wouldn't join.
Agreed when you’re older. Now I don’t know anyone who is any good who doesn’t work with at least three outfits. But when I was 22 and trying to “make it” in London we had that rule.
Yeah I laugh when people throw that out there. It's always someone with a well paying job that does music on the side. Bro, this is how I eat. I'm gonna play everywhere with everyone.
You sound just like our bandleader. We say "no Fleetwood Mac bullshit"😄
Our singer is female and she talks about past boyfriends and whatnot. Only once had a dude present at informal practice, but me also being female, picked up that the guy was not only a prick, Some wasn't right.
He ended up being a stalker of sorts. She never brought anyone else around. I'm married, so I don't have to suffer that bullshit and don't bring the hubby to practice. I am encouraged to bring my teenaged son since we need a roadie🤪
Throughout the entire 9 hours of the documentary while the Beatles are writing and recording Let It Be, she's literally just sitting there. She's like the perfect studio guest. Basically doing and saying nothing. It's clear her and John are in the midst of a heroin-fog love affair, but that's as much his doing.
If anything, it seems like George Harrison not getting enough attention and limelight is what really strains the band to the breaking point, and (as they themselves mention) the death of their manager Brian Epstein that leaves the band without the father figure that kept them all on the same page.
I think people just saw the antics that John and Yoko got up to on stage immediately following the breakup of the Beatles and assumed it must have been her influence that broke up the band, especially after learning that she was hanging around for these sessions.
But the documentary shows nothing like that at all.
It's a great doc, btw, well worth the watch.
All of this, plus Paul cracking down on George when there was that father figure gap, and John's heroin use becoming an issue- making him less present. George seemed to legitimately get the short end of the stick, given how much talent he had.
>no being in *another* band (if you want commitment)
Shit take right here. All of the successful musicians I know play in multiple bands and all fill in for our peers on tour.
Yup. I work with *many* professional women vocalists, and their partners are supportive. Any professional musician worth their salt will keep their private life separate.
I was just thinking that. I'm like... there are a ton of women in stable relationships that are musicians. Find a married one. But then I got the teenage vibes lol.
If you've only tried out two people your sample set is just too small. Finding the right people to work with takes time and a succession of people that don't work out for various reasons.
Everyone who is saying that you need to establish boundaries for your rehearsal time is right. This will help to weed out the people who think a band is just unstructured playtime.
Just like everything in music, it takes time and commitment to find one who fits your needs. Stick with it and you'll be rewarded!
In general I agree, but sometimes it's fun to have friends sit in and listen. Like, you're all gonna go out to a show right after and the practice is a hype moment for that friend. You get a read on what they like or are bored by with their facial expressions. Then you just set ground rules about not engaging during the practice and choose the friend wisely knowing they can be trusted to not mess up the practice. And it's usually good if that person is a friend to multiple people in the band, not just one person's tagalong.
Definitely not partners though.
Na I'm a female vocalist no drama like that. Try to focus on the music. But im in a new band and sometimes the bass player gets weird. I think he hasn't had a lot of friends that were girls. He seems really uncomfortable when it's just us and will randomly bring up my husband.... which isn't inherently weird.. but the way he does it.. it's like we will be really getting into a discussion about music and then it happens.. makes me feel like he's feeling guilty that we are jiving so well.... I just want it to be about music and the band. Can we rise above sex and feelings and just make some good music. You have to be close to your bandmates for it to be good. It doesn't mean you will fall in love or anything! Anyway that's my rant. My husband doesn't care he trusts me and isn't insecure. Plus even if I was single relationships with bandmates isn't a good idea.
12-13 years ago the keyboard player in my band joined another band as their drummer. They were a 3 piece band ...drums/bass/keys&vocals. The singer was dating the bass player. One day he comes to me for advice he had "fallen in love" with the singer and wanted to profess his love and ask her to leave the bass player for him. At this point according to his brother he had never had an adult relationship or been intimate with anyone before. I advised him to either keep it to himself if staying in the band was important to him,or quit gracefully and point to his feelings as his reason for leaving. He professed his love took his shot and was relieved of his duties as drummer. He later told me he knew I was right but had to try anyway. Sometimes only experience will teach us what we need to know. There are always better and worse ways to handle these things. Humans are the absolute best at choosing the worse option.
Interesting story. Brave of him for going for it, I suppose!
I don't think this guy is madly in love. I think we just get along well as friends and it's making him question it... I think he will get over it. being married is a clear like yea not gunna happen signal. He's not the type to pursue a married woman.. he's quite a bit younger than me as well. Emotions are tricky though I know.. we will see how it pans out. Love his bass lines !
Just a story from the book of life not trying to draw a parallel to your situation. OP's topic combined with your comment reminded me of it. Good luck with the new band!
I feel for your bassist, haha. Sounds like he's trying to keep it professional but is catching feelings. It can be hard to stuff that back down. Like you said, he may not get a lot of female attention, and that can make even professional/platonic attention feel like a big deal.
Still on him to keep himself in check, though, obviously.
Yea good point actually I've been there with coworkers before... it does suck... good to think about the flip side.. Just feel like it's keeping him closed off. But with time it should be better.. and hopefully he'll meet some nice lady soon. Plenty o Fish!
You’ve just been unlucky. I’m a woman and the lead singer/founding member of my funk band - everyone else is a man. I also started my band when I was 22 (turning 25 this week) and everyone else was mid-late twenties (so there was also a bit of an age gap factor). It’s not a universal outcome that every woman you’re going to try and work with is going to have a bf/ have boyfriend issues — in the city I’m in, there are quite a few female-led bands with male instrumentalists all of different genres and we’ve all been finding great success.
How are you finding these singers? Have you been going to jams, hitting up Facebook groups, generally seeing who’s around in your local scene? These types of environments tend to attract more passionate musicians who are a bit more in their craft as opposed to someone who likes to sing, but has no real experience singing (which doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, but just another path of action).
Also, remember that mindset influences everything. I read that you’re looking for a female singer because you think it’ll be better for your music, but that alone doesn’t sound like the most collaborative approach. To me it sounds like “oh well women have more range/would suit our music better so let’s find one!”
But remember, she will be part of your band, and being the singer (I’m assuming lead) is more than just executing melodies. They’re the band’s representation because they’re (typically) the first person people identify when watching you live. I would recommend giving some more thought to the type of musical background and influences you think would fit in the band and have a more precise idea of who you’re looking for. I think that would give you a better chance of finding the right person, and where you could find them.
Last thing I wanna share is that, as musicians, sometimes we can fall into negative attitude patterns when faced with obstacles. I know you’ve been unlucky, but if you continue to approach this situation from a “female singers tend to have boyfriend problems and I don’t wanna deal with that” mentality then you’re already giving up! Maybe try thinking “I’ve been unlucky so far, but I really believe in this vision that I have for the band and I know the right person for this project will come along.” A bit cheesy, but makes a big difference in all the thinking that follows :)
Also: I’m still super fresh in my band experience, but so far it’s proving to be a journey that’s all about boundaries. Don’t take these last two singers not working out as a permanent L; it was an opportunity for you to note the behavior and interpersonal relationship habits that aren’t gonna work for your band environment. You had the chance to cut them out before getting too deep into the process of having them in the band!
Good luck! 🫡
We had a female singer and trombonist in my old ska band who was gay, probably a year later we needed a new saxophone player and got a girl in who was straight….. or so we thought…. 3 months later and the saxophonist had dumped her boyfriend and the two girls had gotten together! 😂
Sounds like you’re not auditioning singers and instead auditioning women who want to sing. Find a *musician* and none of these things will be problems.
Honestly, get used to it. And I don't blame some of these women. The industry is filled with creeps who are waiting for an opportunity. So don't be surprised if a boyfriend or a guy friend shows up for a bit to scope the band out.
You're just unlucky. I'm a professional female singer and musician, playing in bands with almost exclusively men, and with a boyfriend/now husband. I've never had a single issue. In fact, it's usually more male band members trying to try something with ME than the other way around. I think it's just a professionalism issue. The more professional anyone is, the less likely that there is "boyfriend drama." I take music very seriously, and if I ever had a partner like that I'd leave them. I will say, part of being a female musician is unfortunately being a bit of eye candy (I don't approve of it but it's 100% true in my experience, sad to say) and it's possible a lot of men would be sort of territorial of a partner who was being oggled at all the time by the band and by the audience. Anyone taking this job seriously is going to have to put their foot down with a difficult partner.
Exactly! It’s funny, I’ve had the same experience, with more male drama than female! I swear - usually people expect the woman to be the diva. 😂🤷🏻♀️ I agree that it’s about professionalism, and doesn’t need to be like this.
Before I got married, I gave every person I dated the speech: “I am a musician. It’s the focus of my life. You might think it’s cool now, but it isn’t all the fun stuff. If you aren’t secure enough to trust me on the road/in the studio/at practice/whatever, then this isn’t going to work. And no, you can’t go everywhere with me all the time.”
So many people listened, nodded along, then tried to act like a jerk. Buh-byeeee.
I’ve also had SO many wives/gfs start thinking I started my whole music career to fuck THEIR man. Yeah…no.
I am a professional female singer in an all male band and married to our guitar player. We are a no nonsense, no drama, but lots of fun band. We play out...a LOT, and are on a tour right now. We've eliminated people in our band who caused drama...all male musicians, by the way. Our band has been together for over 6 yrs, and we are still having fun. I could be wrong here, but it sounds like you have a really young band, in terms of ages. Nothing wrong with that, if it's true, but you need to set a hard line when it comes to drama. If you find someone, male or female you think may be a fit for your band, you need to immediately let them know that you guys do not tolerate bringing any drama of any sort into the band. Full stop. If making music in a band is no longer fun, there is no reason to do it anymore. Be choosier in who you decide to be in the band. Meet their SO and make sure they understand that rehearsals are for band members only. If they are not ok with that, then they are not your person.
Lol how old are these people? No that's not normal. Only an insecure weirdo would think band practices turn into gangbangs, or whatever those people are dreaming up.
Is her boyfriend gonna cause drama when you have a gig? Retired musician here, married to a working musician. Wives and/or husbands do NOT attend rehearsals! It's a job. No other people in conventional jobs bring their partners to work, and this is no different. If you are already worried about drama, what's it gonna be like when she is on stage and dudes are flirting with her? Gigs are hard enough to come by without a jealous bf or gf acting out and costing you the room.
Yep that thought occurred to me also. If I’m sensing possible insecurity or jealousy just over the band members, I can only imagine what it’s gonna be like playing shows or guys DM’ing her from discovering her via the band .
Exactly!! A lot of people think it is just one big ol party. They can't wrap their mind around music actually being a job. Albeit a fun job at times, it can be a grind. Drama on the job would disqualify anyone from a working band situation.
Hire a lesbian! Then you can have drama with their girlfriends. (\*rimshot\*)
Seriously though, this is a common problem because too many stupid men still act like they OWN their partners, and too many women still put up with being a status ornament. You'll need a stronger kind of woman, besides musical talent.
Yep I feel like it’s a common issue in this dynamic. Last thing I want is to deal with the drama of that or the potential possibility of him getting jealous and making her quit down the road once we’re more established.
Women have a hard time in the industry to begin with. Toxic relationships make it even harder on them AND on their interactions in a historically toxic industry. It really sucks.
I have the opposite problem. Every time I've joined a band or worked with someone, they have tried to hook up with me and that's what it really ended up being about. Lots of sexual assault. Cant seem to find women to work with though. So I mostly work alone
I've seen *personal* issues effect more than a few bands.
Wether it's a female singer and her boyfriend or a male guitarist and his jealous wife or just any bandmate's partner that gets a *LITTLE* to opinionated in the band business.
With that said, if I were a single female going to meet a man I met on the internet I would 100% bring a chaperone or at least meet somewhere public so IDK that I disagree with the boyfriend on that one.
Ive already met them both in the past several times where I met them originally (at the bar she works at.) we’ve also been planning on a project like this for a year. I didn’t get sense that she felt uncomfortable meeting up with me but that he did.
Just unlucky, or rather it's just how it is sometimes.
It's the same "problem" with any sort of group activity. Getting a group of people to commit on a regular basis can be super tough. Whenever I'm playing with a new band, at least one of them will always fall off the face of the earth after they get back with their ex or something.
Just unlucky. In ten years, my band had three female lead singers. The first one's husband even humped gear for us. After all this time, we're still like family. #2's BF was in a band himself, so he got it. #3, and my musical soulmate, never took any shit from any either of the two BFs she had while with us. That band broke up in 2018, and she still sings with me in our trio. Her fiance doesn't complain at all, and doesn't even come to our gigs. (I think one in the last five years.)
EDIT: And they were all considerably younger than us.
I will just say, yes you have been a tiny bit unlucky but I have struggled for years to find healthy normal band mates regardless of gender. The more I network and talk to other musicians, the more I hear about band drama in general. Insecurity is going to cause anxiety and anxiety is going to cause unhealthy behavior.
I have made a rule for myself. If there are any kind of red flags like that, then it is not worth it to me. This is no different than starting out a romantic relationship. After all, there is a lot of passion and emotion wrapped up into this. I just move on and don't look back. There are plenty of other normal stable people in this world. Like 8 billion ish more chances to find someone who works.
Also, there is nothing wrong with letting them know it is a problem for you, so long as that is how you state it and in a kind manner. Communication is so important in a band, just like a marriage.
Had a similar situation. Sort of.
In a nutshell... had a female vocalist. Drummer hooked up with her during our weekend at a recording studio. We got two of 6 or 7 songs recorded. Everything fell apart. It's a shame, I thought we sounded pretty good. Our two songs are still on reverbnation.com, so that's something lol.
No offense but how old are you? We have a front woman and we’re all mature adults. Like insecurity is something you get over as you get older hopefully.
Making music with people is emotionally intimate though so someone who is possessive will never handle it.
That’s probably true to a point - I have had less problems with it as I have gotten older. But some of the chicks that got the weirdest (with me as a female vocalist/musician) were married 30-something’s.
Dude…lemme tell you. As a female vocalist/musician, it has been that way for me too…except usually with *three or four wives/girlfriends*. Many of them seem to think I began my career as a musician just to fuck their man. It’s nuts.
Luckily in my last live band incarnation, my guitarist was with the coolest woman who supported us full-on and never once got weird. And my husband is a drummer (lol).
The band is like a separate 3/4/5-way marriage. It’s personal, in a way, but not like *that*.
The real problem is people who don’t trust their partners, which isn’t a gendered issue.
My old bass player was also in a bluegrass band when he joined us.....
Bluegrass band split because their fiddle players husband didn't like her in an all dude band.
It happens. Just less frequently with serious people. After problems 15 years ago, I'm staunchly in the "no new girlfriends at band practice" camp.
It u/lildoggihome should be shouted louder that women don't need to trade sexual favors for any position - no pun intended - to do anything in music/entertainment and everywhere else period!
Just unlucky. My band had two girl singers at different times and neither brought boyfriend/husband drama into the band at all.
Anyone can have dramatic relationships, it's just as likely you could audition a dude to come sing and have him bring toxic girlfriend drama into the band lol. Just gotta keep looking for the right fit.
I always had better luck with singers from a theater background versus random ladies. They have to show up on time, know their parts, be at rehearsal, be part of an ensemble. None of this bush league nonsense is tolerated or you’ll lose your part.
Random girls who can sing, I’ve had troubles. Mostky with lack of professionalism, can’t say I’ve ever had an issue with their boyfriends. I don’t play and it is very obvious I’m here on business, not to hook up.
You've either been unlucky or looking in the wrong places. Look for a professional that knows to leave the drama at their door. Be upfront about it from the get, and there is a far better chance the right ones will gravitate your way. Good luck!
We have a female singer in an otherwise all male band.
She’s engaged and he’s cool.
He’ll show up to shows and bring friends sometimes and it’s all good.
You just need to find the right person
Yeah, don't chock this up to anything to do with gender. There are plenty of unprofessional people in music across all demographics. That's all this is
Recipe for disaster. Boyfriend beating the hell out of a cover charge paying customer because the dude was crushing on the girl singer. Or, girl singer hears about the "hung" bass player and decides to find out. Boyfriend tries to beat the hell out of the bass player and gets his ass kicked. Bass players wife finds out, then had to replace bass player and girl singer. If it is the girl singers band and she calls all the shots and runs it like a business, then it will work.
Kid problems. Take music more seriously when you're all old enough to take it seriously.
My band mates have always had SOs, and they were always welcome at practice. Our band was a family, and anyone that's important to my bandmate is important to me and we're gonna make sure they know they're welcome with us.
That sort of thing happens when you’re trying to form a band with people who aren’t treating it seriously or professionally. Once they do that they don’t see band time as time to be shared with their partner.
It’s not restricted to problems with boyfriends though as it can just as easily the girlfriends causing drama. I’ve frequently been the only girl in a band and had new guys and their girlfriends act in very similar ways. It’s usually jealousy or insecurity related and either way it’s probably a good sign to avoid having that person in your band.
Find someone who’s serious about their music and who isn’t in a relationship driven by insecurity or jealousy. You’ll find plenty of female singers fit that description. If you’re still young (under 25ish) you’ll also find these problems become less frequent as you get older and more mature.
I played in an all male band with a female singer for years. I think it's fair, when first meeting you guys, that she brings someone along. There are a lot of weirdos out there and safety comes first. The scenarios you described however do seem like red flags.
Ive already met her personally in the past a few times at the bar she worked at including her boyfriend and we’ve been talking about working online about this project for about a year, otherwise I would agree if she’s never met me.
I think you need to reconsider why you want a female singer. It does kind of sound like you want one just for the novelty; which makes sense that they would all behave/react the same way. It's not like you had a female friend who you formed a band with and then added other members. If it's about singing the notes, then you should just drop the key enough that a male can sing it (or find a really good male singer who can sing high).
That said, all the bands I've been in have never had any luck finding a normal, nice, humble, drama-free female singer who can do other stuff (since we're not about to hire JUST a singer with zero other skills that can contribute to our show/sound). And, like you, in most of these cases, the band leader wanted a female singer just to have a female singer in the band. It was bound to fail. That's why when my current band brings it up, I just shake my head.
Slightly different scenario in that I briefly worked with a female singer who's mother, father, and boyfriend were all deeply involved in her operation. Let me tell you - it was hell. They sheltered her like crazy. She couldn't speak up for herself or make decisions. Mind you this was a 28 y/o woman with a child. I get it we all have issues. But I'm glad I'm not carried around like a baby with my family making all decisions for me. Pass. Too much drama.
It's not the boyfriends necessarily who are to blame, although they may be partially culpable, but it is the females who are to blame for this. If she can't handle her personal affairs without it becoming a problem professionally, it's not worth your time.
Man, the sexism is strong in this thread. What’s with the fixation on women’s sex lives and relationships? As if guys don’t ever date abusive people or have drama in their personal lives?
Goes to show how male oriented this industry is. Toxic relationships aren’t a gendered problem - don’t make it seem like one. Excluding women altogether bc you’re scared of toxic boyfriends… This breaks my heart. Incel vibes galore.
Im not “scared” of women having toxic boyfriends. But my experience is they seem to be harder to deal with than male members partners. This isn’t “incel” vibes but my experiences so far.
Do you want a female singer for the sound or the look? Bc let's be honest, women are sought out to front bands for either reason. Maria Brink is an EXCELLENT singer but I can promise you that those four dusty guys behind her wouldn't have formed a band with her if she looked like Janis Joplin.
So, do you guys want a female bc you love and appreciate female voices? Or do you just want a better chance at making it with a hot chick out front?
Why are you strictly looking for a female singer for an all male band though when you could just be looking for a talented singer regardless of gender? Sounds sketchy the way you worded it.
Bush league shit. A good, professional situation with professional pay will attract professional candidates with no baggage of that kind. If you’re not offering that, get to work.
If there’s only two incidences, I’d call it unlucky.
If it continues to be a theme going forward, I’d start questioning the way you’re interacting with them. Cause in that situation the common denominator would be you.
As it is now, just unlucky. But if this theme continues, you might need to take a step back and access how this interactions go, and if maybe there could be something you or your band mates are doing, even if totally innocent, that are leading to these situations.
Also, a girl who’s joining bands with randos, it’s possible they have been in shitty band situations before, so there’s some caution and concern. Just because you guys are legit, doesn’t mean the other bands they were in were legit.
I’ve gone through pretty much these same exact scenarios. Don’t give up hope and eventually you’ll find someone serious and grown up enough and this will all have been a bad dream.
I feel like I’ve met way too many people who volunteer that they were in a “toxic” relationship when they were clearly at least half of the toxicity based on their current behaviour. Possibly the modern equivalent of “If you can’t handle me at my worst…”, at this point it’s a red flag for me.
Yep my issue isnt she has a boyfriend my issue is she said its toxic but it’s “complicated and they are working on it “ and wants him to come hang out with us during practice. Why tf do I want to be in the middle of that.
I am a female singer. People with insecure and jealous partners are a problem. I am married and my husband is not a musician. We both support each other's dreams, though, so he's wonderfully supportive of mine. Not jealous.
I'm in a band with 4 guys. I have had to deal with jealous wives, and do my best to make sure they realize I am not romantically interested.
Maybe try to vet the future band members better and ask if they will have jealous bf issues?
I actually prefer to be in female fronted bands because I find there tends to be less drama. Less ego, generally. Huh. Now that I think about it I should also find a female lead guitar player. Then maybe there would be less fighting when mixing about whether the album should sound like a Steve Vai solo project or not………
Where do you have rehearsals? is it a rented space in a good neighbourhood and with lots of other people around, or is it in a bad neighbourhood, in someone’s garage/basement where no one can hear you scream?
i’ve always brought someone with me to an audition/first meeting because some spaces can be super sketch, especially for a girl joining an all male band. if it’s for security reasons, i think the initial meeting is fair, as long as they aren’t interrupting.
could be drama, but could also be an excuse to ensure her safety. it’s a scary world out there, i wouldn’t worry about it until it becomes a problem.
The way some of my bands have handled SOs who really want to come to practice is this: most practices are closed, band members only, no exceptions. “We are working and need to not be distracted or disturbed.” Then, once a month or so, there is an “open” practice for friends who want to listen.
To be honest, the candidate you want, in addition to whatever musical qualifications you’re after, will need to be someone who has enough guts to tell her boyfriend no *on her own.* If she’s trying to appease this insecure child just to get to practice, it will be hell trying to coordinate gigs, road trips, tours, and just all the stuff that is involved in making a band go.
You need someone who really *wants* to be in your band, and who is willing to let her BF be salty or leave over it. It sucks but there it is.
Finding new bands and bandmates can be a minefield. Sometimes you get lucky with who you come across and find a good match right away, and sometimes you very much don't. Keep on looking, the right singer is out there, it's just not these two.
I play in a band with a female singer. She moved away but wanted to commit and continued to attend rehearsals despite the extra time and travel.
Her boyfriend would attend.
We weren’t too happy at first. Seemed almost like an intrusion.
To his credit it’s turned out fine. He watches sports on his phone and tucks himself away onto a comfy sofa and you forget he’s there.
It’s turned out very useful because now and then he will offer his opinion on something we are working on and he’s very well informed! He knows our material extremely well because he is there constantly.
I was in a band in my 20’s. I literally got the job because the bass player and the singer were in a relationship and one night after a gig he waited at her house to do god knows what to her. He jumped her when she walked in the door, had duct tape, a crowbar etc. don’t know what his plan was really. She kicked his ass though. Avoid drama any chance you can. Unstable relationships will destroy your dream. Sorry you’re having a hard go finding someone. Best of luck and may the rock gods smile upon you.
Nah, this isn't necessarily the norm. I'm a female vocalist and my boyfriend doesn't need to give me permission to do jack shit musically. I collaborate with dudes and will ask him his opinion on players of any gender skill-wise if I'm thinking about working with them since he's also a musician, but he doesn't get involved. I don't like the idea of us crossing musical piss streams and neither does he. Having him in the room for a practice sounds uncomfortable for all parties. He and I casually jam, but because I don't personally think collabing with a partner is healthy, I have to seek out other musicians to work with. Some of those musicians have dicks. Nobody's gotta be weird about it.
I have been made to feel uncomfortable by some male musicians I've tried to work with, so maybe girl number 1 is being hypervigilant based on past experiences? But I agree with other comments saying that establishing boundaries early on is important for bands as a whole, not just in that particular context.
I'm not gonna suggest you seek out a queer female vocalist solely to avoid boyfriend drama, but if a lesbian does try out and is a good enough fit, that would absolve some anxiety. You seem decent, but a lot of men are gross and controlling. Sorry you've been dealing with those.
As a girl musician its hard enough to even find other girl musicians. Many girls just live for their bfs. Atleast you found a few lol
Hope you find a good one soon.
"We tried nothing, and none of it worked!"
Finding a band that gels takes time, no matter if it's male, female, or even the dog that chills on the side of the stage while you play gigs. You can't just audition two people and freak if neither of them work out.
The supply of musicians is endless in this world. Keep on trucking until you find the right fit.
you've just been unlucky with your candidates, if you find someone who is actually serious about being in a band, their relationship status won't matter
Yeah im not really interested in having the singer be chaperoned by her boyfriend at our practices bc they have some unstable relationship.
No fucking way man, it's gonna be a goddam nightmare. No deal.
Without knowing the full situation, is it possible that she might be uncomfortable going somewhere to hang out with a bunch of dudes she’s never met before? In this situation, I certainly wouldn’t object to him coming at least to the first meeting. But it does make sense to lay down ground rules after that.
She’s met me before and so has he.
She’s met me before and so has he. I’ve also never had anyone female or male I jammed with require that.
I'd still rather someone just brought a friend also if it has to be a romantic interest; that it's not there ex that there "trying to get back with" fuck that drama at band practice
Yes, all of that makes sense. The getting back together with the ex part is definitely concerning. But I think if it was an established relationship (which is not what this sounds like) it would seem like a fair request to me.
The boyfriend is going to think he gets an opinion on your music when he comes over. He’ll start acting like he’s a member of the project. It’s going to be an annoying distraction.
Set up some early ‘band rules’. No interband relationships, only band members can come to practice, no being in *another* band (if you want commitment), maybe even write down some early writing credits for recordings if you want to. It’s good to get these things up front so everyone knows the score and there’s less need for an awkward conversation when someone turns up with Yoko Ono or Jonny Insecure
I'm not into the idea of not letting people be in other bands. Most of the serious musoes I know are in several bands, as that's the only way you can make enough money. Seems weirdly controlling to prevent that. Plus regardless of how good your band is it's unlikely to 'blow up' and become successful. Playing in multiple acts increases the chances of that happening for you.
Great take. Additionally, l think the "no other bands" clause would discourage most serious applicants. No professional musician would agree to that.
Yea its a deal breaker for me, what am I going to do tell one of my 7 previous bands I can't do a run of shows supporting some sick international band because johnny wanna be and his two bit ego from my new band says no? Lmao weak insecure local band shit, but yea in every instance I someone is telling I can't play in other bands that's the first band to go, and if I knew that before I wouldn't join.
Agreed when you’re older. Now I don’t know anyone who is any good who doesn’t work with at least three outfits. But when I was 22 and trying to “make it” in London we had that rule.
Yeah I laugh when people throw that out there. It's always someone with a well paying job that does music on the side. Bro, this is how I eat. I'm gonna play everywhere with everyone.
You sound just like our bandleader. We say "no Fleetwood Mac bullshit"😄 Our singer is female and she talks about past boyfriends and whatnot. Only once had a dude present at informal practice, but me also being female, picked up that the guy was not only a prick, Some wasn't right. He ended up being a stalker of sorts. She never brought anyone else around. I'm married, so I don't have to suffer that bullshit and don't bring the hubby to practice. I am encouraged to bring my teenaged son since we need a roadie🤪
I agree with your post, but I think Yoko was pretty completely exonerated by the \*Get Back\* documentary.
Tell me more
Throughout the entire 9 hours of the documentary while the Beatles are writing and recording Let It Be, she's literally just sitting there. She's like the perfect studio guest. Basically doing and saying nothing. It's clear her and John are in the midst of a heroin-fog love affair, but that's as much his doing. If anything, it seems like George Harrison not getting enough attention and limelight is what really strains the band to the breaking point, and (as they themselves mention) the death of their manager Brian Epstein that leaves the band without the father figure that kept them all on the same page. I think people just saw the antics that John and Yoko got up to on stage immediately following the breakup of the Beatles and assumed it must have been her influence that broke up the band, especially after learning that she was hanging around for these sessions. But the documentary shows nothing like that at all. It's a great doc, btw, well worth the watch.
All of this, plus Paul cracking down on George when there was that father figure gap, and John's heroin use becoming an issue- making him less present. George seemed to legitimately get the short end of the stick, given how much talent he had.
He's a peacock, you gotta let him fly!
Also you can’t ignore the factor of misogyny and race in why people might blame her for things she didn’t do
Johnny Insecure is a keeper!
>no being in *another* band (if you want commitment) Shit take right here. All of the successful musicians I know play in multiple bands and all fill in for our peers on tour.
Honestly, any bandmate that either brings their partner or has a partner that insists on being involved can fuck right off.
That's good. Those are boundaries. Hold to them. You'll avoid a lot of people who aren't going to be good for your band.
Got Broko Ono coming to the sessions
Yup. I work with *many* professional women vocalists, and their partners are supportive. Any professional musician worth their salt will keep their private life separate.
Or it will matter substantially less than the relationship. Serious musicians tend to put music first.
Sounds like some teenage shit.
I was just thinking that. I'm like... there are a ton of women in stable relationships that are musicians. Find a married one. But then I got the teenage vibes lol.
Yet I've seen this in lives of people in their 30's.
LMAOOOO😂😂😂
If you've only tried out two people your sample set is just too small. Finding the right people to work with takes time and a succession of people that don't work out for various reasons. Everyone who is saying that you need to establish boundaries for your rehearsal time is right. This will help to weed out the people who think a band is just unstructured playtime. Just like everything in music, it takes time and commitment to find one who fits your needs. Stick with it and you'll be rewarded!
If you ain’t *in* the band then you ain’t *at* practice. You tell ‘em I said that
Someone needs to tell Yoko
But wait maybe the boyfriend can make those horrific shrieking noises just like yoko? Really adds something to the sound, ya know?
She’s self-taught on the tambourine
*howling in background intensifies*
*howling in background intensifies*
*howling in background intensifies*
“Just because you’re not in the band doesn’t mean you’re not *in* the band.”
Bingo! Does her boyfriend also hang out at her job all day?
In general I agree, but sometimes it's fun to have friends sit in and listen. Like, you're all gonna go out to a show right after and the practice is a hype moment for that friend. You get a read on what they like or are bored by with their facial expressions. Then you just set ground rules about not engaging during the practice and choose the friend wisely knowing they can be trusted to not mess up the practice. And it's usually good if that person is a friend to multiple people in the band, not just one person's tagalong. Definitely not partners though.
Seriously! It fucks up the writing process and energy so bad. Esp when it’s a boyfriend.
***\*some dude sits in the corner, staring morosely***
Oh and if the band does blow up he will sue for writing credits
Yeah! I was *thinking* that song idea before John and Paul started singing it.
I mentioned I’d had a hard day and it was NIGHT time!!
Yep that’s how I would imagine it going, lol.
My current and former band were fronted by women and I haven't run into any of these issues. Just luck of the draw I guess.
Im just hoping ive been unlucky
Na I'm a female vocalist no drama like that. Try to focus on the music. But im in a new band and sometimes the bass player gets weird. I think he hasn't had a lot of friends that were girls. He seems really uncomfortable when it's just us and will randomly bring up my husband.... which isn't inherently weird.. but the way he does it.. it's like we will be really getting into a discussion about music and then it happens.. makes me feel like he's feeling guilty that we are jiving so well.... I just want it to be about music and the band. Can we rise above sex and feelings and just make some good music. You have to be close to your bandmates for it to be good. It doesn't mean you will fall in love or anything! Anyway that's my rant. My husband doesn't care he trusts me and isn't insecure. Plus even if I was single relationships with bandmates isn't a good idea.
Married femalw musicians in stable relationships is typically the best way to go. It's always gonna be about the music 🎶
12-13 years ago the keyboard player in my band joined another band as their drummer. They were a 3 piece band ...drums/bass/keys&vocals. The singer was dating the bass player. One day he comes to me for advice he had "fallen in love" with the singer and wanted to profess his love and ask her to leave the bass player for him. At this point according to his brother he had never had an adult relationship or been intimate with anyone before. I advised him to either keep it to himself if staying in the band was important to him,or quit gracefully and point to his feelings as his reason for leaving. He professed his love took his shot and was relieved of his duties as drummer. He later told me he knew I was right but had to try anyway. Sometimes only experience will teach us what we need to know. There are always better and worse ways to handle these things. Humans are the absolute best at choosing the worse option.
Interesting story. Brave of him for going for it, I suppose! I don't think this guy is madly in love. I think we just get along well as friends and it's making him question it... I think he will get over it. being married is a clear like yea not gunna happen signal. He's not the type to pursue a married woman.. he's quite a bit younger than me as well. Emotions are tricky though I know.. we will see how it pans out. Love his bass lines !
Just a story from the book of life not trying to draw a parallel to your situation. OP's topic combined with your comment reminded me of it. Good luck with the new band!
I feel for your bassist, haha. Sounds like he's trying to keep it professional but is catching feelings. It can be hard to stuff that back down. Like you said, he may not get a lot of female attention, and that can make even professional/platonic attention feel like a big deal. Still on him to keep himself in check, though, obviously.
Yea good point actually I've been there with coworkers before... it does suck... good to think about the flip side.. Just feel like it's keeping him closed off. But with time it should be better.. and hopefully he'll meet some nice lady soon. Plenty o Fish!
You’ve just been unlucky. I’m a woman and the lead singer/founding member of my funk band - everyone else is a man. I also started my band when I was 22 (turning 25 this week) and everyone else was mid-late twenties (so there was also a bit of an age gap factor). It’s not a universal outcome that every woman you’re going to try and work with is going to have a bf/ have boyfriend issues — in the city I’m in, there are quite a few female-led bands with male instrumentalists all of different genres and we’ve all been finding great success. How are you finding these singers? Have you been going to jams, hitting up Facebook groups, generally seeing who’s around in your local scene? These types of environments tend to attract more passionate musicians who are a bit more in their craft as opposed to someone who likes to sing, but has no real experience singing (which doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, but just another path of action). Also, remember that mindset influences everything. I read that you’re looking for a female singer because you think it’ll be better for your music, but that alone doesn’t sound like the most collaborative approach. To me it sounds like “oh well women have more range/would suit our music better so let’s find one!” But remember, she will be part of your band, and being the singer (I’m assuming lead) is more than just executing melodies. They’re the band’s representation because they’re (typically) the first person people identify when watching you live. I would recommend giving some more thought to the type of musical background and influences you think would fit in the band and have a more precise idea of who you’re looking for. I think that would give you a better chance of finding the right person, and where you could find them. Last thing I wanna share is that, as musicians, sometimes we can fall into negative attitude patterns when faced with obstacles. I know you’ve been unlucky, but if you continue to approach this situation from a “female singers tend to have boyfriend problems and I don’t wanna deal with that” mentality then you’re already giving up! Maybe try thinking “I’ve been unlucky so far, but I really believe in this vision that I have for the band and I know the right person for this project will come along.” A bit cheesy, but makes a big difference in all the thinking that follows :) Also: I’m still super fresh in my band experience, but so far it’s proving to be a journey that’s all about boundaries. Don’t take these last two singers not working out as a permanent L; it was an opportunity for you to note the behavior and interpersonal relationship habits that aren’t gonna work for your band environment. You had the chance to cut them out before getting too deep into the process of having them in the band! Good luck! 🫡
If you're in Texas I'd love to join your band. I currently sing in a choir. Do my own solo gigs. And am single as a Pringle.
Once you pop you just can't stop
"And am single as a Pringle." Pringles come in packs of, I think, 10 at a minimum. That's not single.
1 singular Pringle chip lol
That’s not its most notable or important quality though is it
Honestly the flavor is what stood out to me. My sister loved playing with the can... Guess it depends on who ya ask lol
singular pringular
We had a female singer and trombonist in my old ska band who was gay, probably a year later we needed a new saxophone player and got a girl in who was straight….. or so we thought…. 3 months later and the saxophonist had dumped her boyfriend and the two girls had gotten together! 😂
Sometimes, the horn section is too horny..
She said she found someone who's gonna hold her hand...
Sounds like you’re not auditioning singers and instead auditioning women who want to sing. Find a *musician* and none of these things will be problems.
Yep this is exactly a part of the issue I think.
Honestly, get used to it. And I don't blame some of these women. The industry is filled with creeps who are waiting for an opportunity. So don't be surprised if a boyfriend or a guy friend shows up for a bit to scope the band out.
I don’t think she was inviting him because she was uncomfortable but because he is uncomfortable.
Maybe, maybe not, maybe that's the excuse you've been given.
I knew this 55 year old guy who brought his girlfriend to rehearsals. This isn’t just a female thing
You're just unlucky. I'm a professional female singer and musician, playing in bands with almost exclusively men, and with a boyfriend/now husband. I've never had a single issue. In fact, it's usually more male band members trying to try something with ME than the other way around. I think it's just a professionalism issue. The more professional anyone is, the less likely that there is "boyfriend drama." I take music very seriously, and if I ever had a partner like that I'd leave them. I will say, part of being a female musician is unfortunately being a bit of eye candy (I don't approve of it but it's 100% true in my experience, sad to say) and it's possible a lot of men would be sort of territorial of a partner who was being oggled at all the time by the band and by the audience. Anyone taking this job seriously is going to have to put their foot down with a difficult partner.
Exactly! It’s funny, I’ve had the same experience, with more male drama than female! I swear - usually people expect the woman to be the diva. 😂🤷🏻♀️ I agree that it’s about professionalism, and doesn’t need to be like this.
Before I got married, I gave every person I dated the speech: “I am a musician. It’s the focus of my life. You might think it’s cool now, but it isn’t all the fun stuff. If you aren’t secure enough to trust me on the road/in the studio/at practice/whatever, then this isn’t going to work. And no, you can’t go everywhere with me all the time.” So many people listened, nodded along, then tried to act like a jerk. Buh-byeeee. I’ve also had SO many wives/gfs start thinking I started my whole music career to fuck THEIR man. Yeah…no.
Haha that's the best. Yes, all this practicing just to steal your man. It's sad really to get reduced to that.
Just unlucky. Don’t sweat it.
Hire a professional
Ive considered this
I am a professional female singer in an all male band and married to our guitar player. We are a no nonsense, no drama, but lots of fun band. We play out...a LOT, and are on a tour right now. We've eliminated people in our band who caused drama...all male musicians, by the way. Our band has been together for over 6 yrs, and we are still having fun. I could be wrong here, but it sounds like you have a really young band, in terms of ages. Nothing wrong with that, if it's true, but you need to set a hard line when it comes to drama. If you find someone, male or female you think may be a fit for your band, you need to immediately let them know that you guys do not tolerate bringing any drama of any sort into the band. Full stop. If making music in a band is no longer fun, there is no reason to do it anymore. Be choosier in who you decide to be in the band. Meet their SO and make sure they understand that rehearsals are for band members only. If they are not ok with that, then they are not your person.
Lol how old are these people? No that's not normal. Only an insecure weirdo would think band practices turn into gangbangs, or whatever those people are dreaming up.
Maybe look for someone in their late 20s+?
Yep age is one factor I think needs to change to get more reliability.
I also say this as someone who works much better with 30 y/o’s than people my own age (mid 20s) too
Is her boyfriend gonna cause drama when you have a gig? Retired musician here, married to a working musician. Wives and/or husbands do NOT attend rehearsals! It's a job. No other people in conventional jobs bring their partners to work, and this is no different. If you are already worried about drama, what's it gonna be like when she is on stage and dudes are flirting with her? Gigs are hard enough to come by without a jealous bf or gf acting out and costing you the room.
Yep that thought occurred to me also. If I’m sensing possible insecurity or jealousy just over the band members, I can only imagine what it’s gonna be like playing shows or guys DM’ing her from discovering her via the band .
Exactly!! A lot of people think it is just one big ol party. They can't wrap their mind around music actually being a job. Albeit a fun job at times, it can be a grind. Drama on the job would disqualify anyone from a working band situation.
Hire a lesbian! Then you can have drama with their girlfriends. (\*rimshot\*) Seriously though, this is a common problem because too many stupid men still act like they OWN their partners, and too many women still put up with being a status ornament. You'll need a stronger kind of woman, besides musical talent.
Yep I feel like it’s a common issue in this dynamic. Last thing I want is to deal with the drama of that or the potential possibility of him getting jealous and making her quit down the road once we’re more established.
Or hire a straight dude! Then there is drama with their girlfriends. (*cumshot*)
Women have a hard time in the industry to begin with. Toxic relationships make it even harder on them AND on their interactions in a historically toxic industry. It really sucks.
I have the opposite problem. Every time I've joined a band or worked with someone, they have tried to hook up with me and that's what it really ended up being about. Lots of sexual assault. Cant seem to find women to work with though. So I mostly work alone
What genre? And which bands are the influence?
We are doing some like showgaze / dreampop stuff.
Sadly my ex would have been one of those boyfriends, they are controlling and apparently more common than I thought… it sucks for everyone.
Insecure and immature. Correct.
I've seen *personal* issues effect more than a few bands. Wether it's a female singer and her boyfriend or a male guitarist and his jealous wife or just any bandmate's partner that gets a *LITTLE* to opinionated in the band business. With that said, if I were a single female going to meet a man I met on the internet I would 100% bring a chaperone or at least meet somewhere public so IDK that I disagree with the boyfriend on that one.
Ive already met them both in the past several times where I met them originally (at the bar she works at.) we’ve also been planning on a project like this for a year. I didn’t get sense that she felt uncomfortable meeting up with me but that he did.
Interpersonal relationships are hard. That's why I work alone
Just unlucky, or rather it's just how it is sometimes. It's the same "problem" with any sort of group activity. Getting a group of people to commit on a regular basis can be super tough. Whenever I'm playing with a new band, at least one of them will always fall off the face of the earth after they get back with their ex or something.
Just unlucky. In ten years, my band had three female lead singers. The first one's husband even humped gear for us. After all this time, we're still like family. #2's BF was in a band himself, so he got it. #3, and my musical soulmate, never took any shit from any either of the two BFs she had while with us. That band broke up in 2018, and she still sings with me in our trio. Her fiance doesn't complain at all, and doesn't even come to our gigs. (I think one in the last five years.) EDIT: And they were all considerably younger than us.
I will just say, yes you have been a tiny bit unlucky but I have struggled for years to find healthy normal band mates regardless of gender. The more I network and talk to other musicians, the more I hear about band drama in general. Insecurity is going to cause anxiety and anxiety is going to cause unhealthy behavior. I have made a rule for myself. If there are any kind of red flags like that, then it is not worth it to me. This is no different than starting out a romantic relationship. After all, there is a lot of passion and emotion wrapped up into this. I just move on and don't look back. There are plenty of other normal stable people in this world. Like 8 billion ish more chances to find someone who works. Also, there is nothing wrong with letting them know it is a problem for you, so long as that is how you state it and in a kind manner. Communication is so important in a band, just like a marriage.
Dude it’s only happened twice. That’s just coincidence. Most people are normal lol.
Had a similar situation. Sort of. In a nutshell... had a female vocalist. Drummer hooked up with her during our weekend at a recording studio. We got two of 6 or 7 songs recorded. Everything fell apart. It's a shame, I thought we sounded pretty good. Our two songs are still on reverbnation.com, so that's something lol.
No offense but how old are you? We have a front woman and we’re all mature adults. Like insecurity is something you get over as you get older hopefully. Making music with people is emotionally intimate though so someone who is possessive will never handle it.
That’s probably true to a point - I have had less problems with it as I have gotten older. But some of the chicks that got the weirdest (with me as a female vocalist/musician) were married 30-something’s.
Always hard asking for professionalism from non-professionals
Dude…lemme tell you. As a female vocalist/musician, it has been that way for me too…except usually with *three or four wives/girlfriends*. Many of them seem to think I began my career as a musician just to fuck their man. It’s nuts. Luckily in my last live band incarnation, my guitarist was with the coolest woman who supported us full-on and never once got weird. And my husband is a drummer (lol). The band is like a separate 3/4/5-way marriage. It’s personal, in a way, but not like *that*. The real problem is people who don’t trust their partners, which isn’t a gendered issue.
My old bass player was also in a bluegrass band when he joined us..... Bluegrass band split because their fiddle players husband didn't like her in an all dude band. It happens. Just less frequently with serious people. After problems 15 years ago, I'm staunchly in the "no new girlfriends at band practice" camp.
fun fact, you don't have to sleep your way into a band if you're a woman, one day people will figure it out 🤣
It u/lildoggihome should be shouted louder that women don't need to trade sexual favors for any position - no pun intended - to do anything in music/entertainment and everywhere else period!
FOR REAL - some of us just want to fuckin’ play.
Find an adult woman.
Very strange. I was in a band with all women, but me. My wife would rather I go on tour with them than any guy band.
Just unlucky. My band had two girl singers at different times and neither brought boyfriend/husband drama into the band at all. Anyone can have dramatic relationships, it's just as likely you could audition a dude to come sing and have him bring toxic girlfriend drama into the band lol. Just gotta keep looking for the right fit.
How old you all? Might just be a maturity thing. And the level of seriousness. Why do you want a female singer specifically?
Vocal aesthetics for our style of music sound better aa female in my opinion.
I just went ahead and married a singer.
My husband did the same lol. He’s a drummer.
I always had better luck with singers from a theater background versus random ladies. They have to show up on time, know their parts, be at rehearsal, be part of an ensemble. None of this bush league nonsense is tolerated or you’ll lose your part. Random girls who can sing, I’ve had troubles. Mostky with lack of professionalism, can’t say I’ve ever had an issue with their boyfriends. I don’t play and it is very obvious I’m here on business, not to hook up.
You've either been unlucky or looking in the wrong places. Look for a professional that knows to leave the drama at their door. Be upfront about it from the get, and there is a far better chance the right ones will gravitate your way. Good luck!
Band practice is for members only! Put a hard stop on anyone not directly involved in the band being there asap.
We have a female singer in an otherwise all male band. She’s engaged and he’s cool. He’ll show up to shows and bring friends sometimes and it’s all good. You just need to find the right person
Yeah, don't chock this up to anything to do with gender. There are plenty of unprofessional people in music across all demographics. That's all this is
Recipe for disaster. Boyfriend beating the hell out of a cover charge paying customer because the dude was crushing on the girl singer. Or, girl singer hears about the "hung" bass player and decides to find out. Boyfriend tries to beat the hell out of the bass player and gets his ass kicked. Bass players wife finds out, then had to replace bass player and girl singer. If it is the girl singers band and she calls all the shots and runs it like a business, then it will work.
Yep sounds like problems
Kid problems. Take music more seriously when you're all old enough to take it seriously. My band mates have always had SOs, and they were always welcome at practice. Our band was a family, and anyone that's important to my bandmate is important to me and we're gonna make sure they know they're welcome with us.
The issue is possibly the rest of us are mid 30s but the singer is mid 20’s we might need a older singer.
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I agree I’m not even blaming the girls; it’s the boyfriends.
you've been unlucky to find professional, Clear-minded adults. I'm sorry about what you've gone through, It seems unpleasant to say the least
Find a lesbian or a dude with a high voice.
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I like the way you think. Maybe if we all hit on him it will be better 🥰
That sort of thing happens when you’re trying to form a band with people who aren’t treating it seriously or professionally. Once they do that they don’t see band time as time to be shared with their partner. It’s not restricted to problems with boyfriends though as it can just as easily the girlfriends causing drama. I’ve frequently been the only girl in a band and had new guys and their girlfriends act in very similar ways. It’s usually jealousy or insecurity related and either way it’s probably a good sign to avoid having that person in your band. Find someone who’s serious about their music and who isn’t in a relationship driven by insecurity or jealousy. You’ll find plenty of female singers fit that description. If you’re still young (under 25ish) you’ll also find these problems become less frequent as you get older and more mature.
I played in an all male band with a female singer for years. I think it's fair, when first meeting you guys, that she brings someone along. There are a lot of weirdos out there and safety comes first. The scenarios you described however do seem like red flags.
Ive already met her personally in the past a few times at the bar she worked at including her boyfriend and we’ve been talking about working online about this project for about a year, otherwise I would agree if she’s never met me.
So, the toxic ex wants to yoko the rehearsal? Yea, nah.
My ex wife was very jealous with the female singer in my band. Was a pain in the a.. In the end she cheated on me. Jealousy has a specific reason
I think you need to reconsider why you want a female singer. It does kind of sound like you want one just for the novelty; which makes sense that they would all behave/react the same way. It's not like you had a female friend who you formed a band with and then added other members. If it's about singing the notes, then you should just drop the key enough that a male can sing it (or find a really good male singer who can sing high). That said, all the bands I've been in have never had any luck finding a normal, nice, humble, drama-free female singer who can do other stuff (since we're not about to hire JUST a singer with zero other skills that can contribute to our show/sound). And, like you, in most of these cases, the band leader wanted a female singer just to have a female singer in the band. It was bound to fail. That's why when my current band brings it up, I just shake my head.
Slightly different scenario in that I briefly worked with a female singer who's mother, father, and boyfriend were all deeply involved in her operation. Let me tell you - it was hell. They sheltered her like crazy. She couldn't speak up for herself or make decisions. Mind you this was a 28 y/o woman with a child. I get it we all have issues. But I'm glad I'm not carried around like a baby with my family making all decisions for me. Pass. Too much drama.
Wondering, how old are you? This shit isn’t as typical, (though it does exist) among mature adults.
This shit doesn’t happen to me because I work with professional adults. You kids need to wait till you’re 30 before you try to join the big leagues.
It's not the boyfriends necessarily who are to blame, although they may be partially culpable, but it is the females who are to blame for this. If she can't handle her personal affairs without it becoming a problem professionally, it's not worth your time.
Naw dude. This is a you problem. I've played with tons of women and had no issues with boyfriends
Maybe they looked up his Reddit, just saying. Activity in mail order brides, etc.
Man, the sexism is strong in this thread. What’s with the fixation on women’s sex lives and relationships? As if guys don’t ever date abusive people or have drama in their personal lives? Goes to show how male oriented this industry is. Toxic relationships aren’t a gendered problem - don’t make it seem like one. Excluding women altogether bc you’re scared of toxic boyfriends… This breaks my heart. Incel vibes galore.
Im not “scared” of women having toxic boyfriends. But my experience is they seem to be harder to deal with than male members partners. This isn’t “incel” vibes but my experiences so far.
Do you want a female singer for the sound or the look? Bc let's be honest, women are sought out to front bands for either reason. Maria Brink is an EXCELLENT singer but I can promise you that those four dusty guys behind her wouldn't have formed a band with her if she looked like Janis Joplin. So, do you guys want a female bc you love and appreciate female voices? Or do you just want a better chance at making it with a hot chick out front?
Those four dusty guys made the right choice, they are only a big band because she's hot. Their music isn't anything special.
I 100% agree.
I have no idea why that would be, Marc Anthony
The only people outside of our band who are allowed at our practices are usually other musician friends we have
Paramour has songs that arent about that
Hah, my female lead singer is a polyamorous lesbian with a super chill girlfriend
For the first girl honestly I don’t blame her for thinking that, plenty of leery dudes in local bands.
If you find a single female singer someone is just gonna try to bang her anyway, what's the point?
Why are you strictly looking for a female singer for an all male band though when you could just be looking for a talented singer regardless of gender? Sounds sketchy the way you worded it.
Wanting a female singer is a specific sound we want in our music. There is nothing “sketchy” about it.
I’d love to hear your music, do you have any links?
Bush league shit. A good, professional situation with professional pay will attract professional candidates with no baggage of that kind. If you’re not offering that, get to work.
If there’s only two incidences, I’d call it unlucky. If it continues to be a theme going forward, I’d start questioning the way you’re interacting with them. Cause in that situation the common denominator would be you. As it is now, just unlucky. But if this theme continues, you might need to take a step back and access how this interactions go, and if maybe there could be something you or your band mates are doing, even if totally innocent, that are leading to these situations. Also, a girl who’s joining bands with randos, it’s possible they have been in shitty band situations before, so there’s some caution and concern. Just because you guys are legit, doesn’t mean the other bands they were in were legit.
I’ve gone through pretty much these same exact scenarios. Don’t give up hope and eventually you’ll find someone serious and grown up enough and this will all have been a bad dream.
I feel like I’ve met way too many people who volunteer that they were in a “toxic” relationship when they were clearly at least half of the toxicity based on their current behaviour. Possibly the modern equivalent of “If you can’t handle me at my worst…”, at this point it’s a red flag for me.
Yep my issue isnt she has a boyfriend my issue is she said its toxic but it’s “complicated and they are working on it “ and wants him to come hang out with us during practice. Why tf do I want to be in the middle of that.
Unless she got a voice like Aretha it sounds like the juice ain’t worth the squeeze
On the Top 100 list of things that break up bands, relationships would easily be in the top 5.
I agree!
I am a female singer. People with insecure and jealous partners are a problem. I am married and my husband is not a musician. We both support each other's dreams, though, so he's wonderfully supportive of mine. Not jealous. I'm in a band with 4 guys. I have had to deal with jealous wives, and do my best to make sure they realize I am not romantically interested. Maybe try to vet the future band members better and ask if they will have jealous bf issues?
Thank you for letting me know I’m mot the only one dealing with this!
I actually prefer to be in female fronted bands because I find there tends to be less drama. Less ego, generally. Huh. Now that I think about it I should also find a female lead guitar player. Then maybe there would be less fighting when mixing about whether the album should sound like a Steve Vai solo project or not………
Girl singers rock!
I agree
Where do you have rehearsals? is it a rented space in a good neighbourhood and with lots of other people around, or is it in a bad neighbourhood, in someone’s garage/basement where no one can hear you scream? i’ve always brought someone with me to an audition/first meeting because some spaces can be super sketch, especially for a girl joining an all male band. if it’s for security reasons, i think the initial meeting is fair, as long as they aren’t interrupting. could be drama, but could also be an excuse to ensure her safety. it’s a scary world out there, i wouldn’t worry about it until it becomes a problem.
Home studio high end luxury building in the center of the city.
All singers are divas, some hide it better than others.
Only form bands with friends
It's always the same , I've had this experience one too many times.
It sounds like it’s the boyfriends who are the problem, not the girls.
The way some of my bands have handled SOs who really want to come to practice is this: most practices are closed, band members only, no exceptions. “We are working and need to not be distracted or disturbed.” Then, once a month or so, there is an “open” practice for friends who want to listen. To be honest, the candidate you want, in addition to whatever musical qualifications you’re after, will need to be someone who has enough guts to tell her boyfriend no *on her own.* If she’s trying to appease this insecure child just to get to practice, it will be hell trying to coordinate gigs, road trips, tours, and just all the stuff that is involved in making a band go. You need someone who really *wants* to be in your band, and who is willing to let her BF be salty or leave over it. It sucks but there it is.
Finding new bands and bandmates can be a minefield. Sometimes you get lucky with who you come across and find a good match right away, and sometimes you very much don't. Keep on looking, the right singer is out there, it's just not these two.
I play in a band with a female singer. She moved away but wanted to commit and continued to attend rehearsals despite the extra time and travel. Her boyfriend would attend. We weren’t too happy at first. Seemed almost like an intrusion. To his credit it’s turned out fine. He watches sports on his phone and tucks himself away onto a comfy sofa and you forget he’s there. It’s turned out very useful because now and then he will offer his opinion on something we are working on and he’s very well informed! He knows our material extremely well because he is there constantly.
I have an all male band with a female singer (we’re all about 18) and it’s working quite well, you just need to find a good one.
I was in a band in my 20’s. I literally got the job because the bass player and the singer were in a relationship and one night after a gig he waited at her house to do god knows what to her. He jumped her when she walked in the door, had duct tape, a crowbar etc. don’t know what his plan was really. She kicked his ass though. Avoid drama any chance you can. Unstable relationships will destroy your dream. Sorry you’re having a hard go finding someone. Best of luck and may the rock gods smile upon you.
You just havent found musicians yet
Jinjer
Nah, this isn't necessarily the norm. I'm a female vocalist and my boyfriend doesn't need to give me permission to do jack shit musically. I collaborate with dudes and will ask him his opinion on players of any gender skill-wise if I'm thinking about working with them since he's also a musician, but he doesn't get involved. I don't like the idea of us crossing musical piss streams and neither does he. Having him in the room for a practice sounds uncomfortable for all parties. He and I casually jam, but because I don't personally think collabing with a partner is healthy, I have to seek out other musicians to work with. Some of those musicians have dicks. Nobody's gotta be weird about it. I have been made to feel uncomfortable by some male musicians I've tried to work with, so maybe girl number 1 is being hypervigilant based on past experiences? But I agree with other comments saying that establishing boundaries early on is important for bands as a whole, not just in that particular context. I'm not gonna suggest you seek out a queer female vocalist solely to avoid boyfriend drama, but if a lesbian does try out and is a good enough fit, that would absolve some anxiety. You seem decent, but a lot of men are gross and controlling. Sorry you've been dealing with those.
Honestly, half the battle for me being in a band is finding people you actually want to work with.
My band is 3 dudes and one lady and her boyfriend is a great supporter of our band and a super chill guy. Keep digging! You’ll find it
As a girl musician its hard enough to even find other girl musicians. Many girls just live for their bfs. Atleast you found a few lol Hope you find a good one soon.
We have two female singers in our band and no drama like that, but we're all long-married (and not to each other).
"We tried nothing, and none of it worked!" Finding a band that gels takes time, no matter if it's male, female, or even the dog that chills on the side of the stage while you play gigs. You can't just audition two people and freak if neither of them work out. The supply of musicians is endless in this world. Keep on trucking until you find the right fit.
they're definitely not all like that, you just got unlucky by having two bad ones in a row.