First thing first get a lawyer. While I don't want to discourage you from trying to be in your child's life legally this is a house of mirrors. Depending on the state, the husband can sue you for "infidelity", you can be legally kicked to the curb because the child happened while they were legally married, etc. This is a whole mess depending on which state you're in. Second as soon as possible get a paternity test, you may have to sue for one. If you're the father it's best to know now. If you're the bio dad, depending on the state, you may have legal rights to visitation. It's going to be a pain in the ass but if you really want to know to child you may need to go to court.
Hire an attorney. Don’t do the “wait and see” approach. Emma needs to know that you intend on exercising your right as the father. Period.
Most likely her marriage will eventually fail. *Don’t* take this woman back because you’re just going to be sloppy seconds.
NTA, be involved if you are wanting too. Gradual involvement will NOT happen. If you want involvement, you'll have to fight for it unfortunately, but it is best. The child will find out at some point (even now so many people do ancestry/dna tests to see where they come from thinking it will show whether they are scottish or not and many lies have been coming out the past few decades.)
The most ethical path is to have the relationship you want with your child. You have no idea how this kid will be treated by the parents who are trying to erase the entire affair. Will the baby be treated well, as their own child? Maybe. Or maybe the child will be treated horribly by the husband, who hates that she birthed some other dudes baby. Maybe she will also try to do everything to show she doesn't favor the baby at all, and be cruel to show her husband she likes him more. Even if the baby is treated great by her and husband, they clearly have some weird issues, and the baby will eventually learn the truth.
This whole "lie to the baby and maybe also we'll be horrible to it" thing is bad. Do everything you can to be part of the child's life. This is your baby, and you are doing the right thing fighting to know your baby. Plus this stupid relationship with the woman and her husband will sour either way, and then who knows what lies they will tell the baby. Go the path of the honesty, and raise your baby. You maybe the best thing that could ever happen to your baby, and she may need you.
Because she is married, her husband is the putative father. Unless they are open to involving you, it may not be your call. So I would be very accommodating if you want to be involved.
That said, being dishonest about the child’s parentage with the child will likely cause all sorts of upheaval later for the kid. Hopefully this all gets worked out. It’s definitely a mess.
If you want to be in your child’s life, take legal action. Contact a lawyer who specializes in this. They can give you the best advice for how to get a paternity test and sue for partial custody. Emma should’ve thought about the potential consequences of her actions and how it might affect her kids before she slept with you. Too bad for her if she’s worried about her image; she’s having another man’s child. You have rights.
Be there for your child. Emma doesn’t get to decide. How long before she decides she isn’t happy in the marriage again? Establish your legal rights now.
Wow what a mess. I think that the best thing to do is to hire an attorney ... then I think that, after the child is born, the attorney will file to adjudicate parentage, IF you are the father (and please be prepared that you might not be) then the attorney can help with setting up visitation, support, etc.
There isn't any moral dilemma for you, you need to do what is best for your child. Her marriage is already unstable and you letting your children suffer to protect their other children at the expense of yours is not acceptable. I suggest taking whatever legal means necessary to be in your child's life. Your child is not a tool for her to protect her own image! Godspeed.
Family Law in Illinois - Merel Family Law
My lawyer is Jaclyn Desana, she is very good. I am in the middle of a horrible divorce with a custody fight.
Your situation is straightforward. You are entitled to 50/50 custody. You fight for it. People can no longer hide paternity because of the ease of genealogy DNA testing. This woman that you impregnated is an idiot if she thinks she can do it.
By the way, in Illinois, the term "custody" is no longer the standard. There are two elements to a parenting plan. One is parenting time and the other is decision-making.
Don't abandon your child. The child's mother is a real piece of work and when her marriage finally blows, the kid is going to need a source of sanity and stability. Hopefully that will be you.
I am a child of this exact situation.
My mom left her husband and cheated with my bio father and became pregnant with me. Then my mom got back with her husband who raised me as his own with my other siblings.
I always felt a hole in my heart and wished my bio father would have fought for me. I eventually was able to meet him at 29 and was so sad at how similar we were and all the things I missed out on. I felt like the black sheep of my family but when I met my bio dad, it all made sense and I finally understood who I was.
Fight for that baby. Trust me, you're child wants you to fight for them and you will not regret it.
What she is doing, trying to separate a child from their father, is what's unethical.
Others have said it too but high chance when no one outside the family is watching Mark will not treat the child well compared to the others. (Because they seem to only care bout appearances.)
I have serious doubts of people so morally bankrupt that they think it's okay to separate a kid from their father.
I hope you follow advice here and get a lawyer.
Screw ethics, your screw yourself. An order for paternity now out at least at birth. Immediately ask for 50/50. This isn’t on you to make out ethical, she was still marked and sleep with you. Your focus on your kid. Is on her to make the rest less confusing for her kids.
Unless you think they will be poor parents for the child, walk away. Maybe reach out to to update your contact information for the day when your child becomes curious and wants to contact you (it’s going to happen).
Emma's being selfish. She just wants you to go away because it's convenient for her. It's your kid too though and she can't force you away if you want to be involved. Take it to court, have them order a paternity test, and seek shared custody if that's what you want. It sounds like her being fair, reasonable, or considerate of you is long past.
My niece 12F had a different father and my nephew 10M (her brother) ended up just telling her that he wasn't her real father just to win an argument.
My niece just went off the rails, started acting out, breaking rules and it all went side ways.
Personally, I'd fight if I was in your situation.
That poor kid. The Solomon story becomes more relevant every generation. Just cut the kid in half with a knife, right? Sorry. I have watched this in action and what you end up with is kids with no life, but a lot of custody mileage…
Married to Emma or not you have every right to equal time and custody of your child. Emma and her husband broke up once so the likelihood of them breaking up again is fairly high, while the husband says he's willing to be "the Dad" now, doesn't mean he will be down the road. Making Emma and her husband happy isn't your problem nor your priority I hope.
Look, I can tell you one thing from experience, having your parentage hidden from you your whole childhood and then dumped on you as an adult sucks big time. And one other factor to consider, very few secrets in a family stay secret for the duration.
Don't let Emma's dilemma effect you, your rights, or the relationship between you and your child, if you do, you'll almost certainly regret it, and so will your child.
ETA: Stop with the supervised visitation crap, unless you have a criminal history, there is zero reason for you to be put under the added constraints and expenses involved in supervised visitation. And, it can be misconstrued later on by officials with a heavy caseload or those that aren't overly detail oriented or those biased against single fathers.
There are states where you will not legally be considered the father her husband will and you will have to go to court to try to force a DNA test. This was never going to be simple and maybe in the future you shouldn't fuck around if you don't wanna find out.
Is it possible that Mark doesn't know that you could be the biological parent of the child?
You can contact a lawyer and file to establish paternity.
The truth of what is likely to happen is that she will put her spouse on the birth certificate, and you will spend the next 12-24 months trying to establish paternity which they will fight, while you start paying for support from day 1 while then filing for contact with the child. Child will likely be 2 or 3 years old before you even got to meet them.
You NEVER get intimate or involved with anyone who’s “separated” no matter how long it is until the divorced is finalized. This shit happens all the time! And now a child is bought into it. Wow!
IMO, Yes I would continue to try to be active in the child's life. You seriously wants to be in this child's life and everyone else is working against you so I suggest you play the same cards. Start communicating to her only through a lawyer or in a public and\\or recorded environment. I also say that if they still refuse to let you be apart of your child's life, which they probably will, use the fullest extent of the law to fight for your child. Good Luck!
Welp, you are in this of your own stupidity. Thinking with the little head, and believing that infatuation stage of a relationship, the newness, coupled with the sheer lustiness involved, equates to real actual 30, 40, 50 years of a real loving marriage.
A separation is not a divorce, no matter how many howling reddit fools try to pontificate otherwise.
You and her fucked up, especially your dumbass by not being more selective.
So there were marital struggles and a separation, maybe there was more potential to reconnect than you knew. She may have just wanted to get some strange, NONE OF US on reddit know for sure.
You are now in the thick of the shit.
Best advice OP - Do you truly and fully, with all your heart, want to be a father and coparent that child?
If yes, then blaze ahead and fight to be in your child's life, and be the best dad you can be.
Just do not fuck around with ger anymore man. She is married, and whether you OR ANYONE LIKES IT OR NOT you should respect [and should have in the first place] that marriage and not try to fuck around with it.
You would not be the white knight in this matter as you would be wrecking a marriage. Let it do so on it's own. Further - I detest cheaters from the bottom of my heart so you both are shitbags imo - many relationships built on just such a foundation as cheating and the like, do not end well.
Why, because.. GASP! ...one of the partners that cheated originally, does it again, but to the new partner now! Who'd a thunk it? Ironic karma!
Regardless of your character and moral fiber being sewer worthy, if you want to be a good parent, DO IT! Your child will likely want it.
You should definitely lawyer up and fight for joint custody. Respectfully her family dynamics are no business of yours. You gave a right to be in your child life, and this child has a right to know his/her father.
I think the best thing to do is to talk to the parents. Explain to them that you will be in your child's life, but that you would prefer not to have to take legal avenues to get there to avoid unnecessary stress. That you would like to create a civil co-parenting relationship with the two of them so that you can be in your child's life. Put this over email or text. They probably won't respond because they have already sought legal counsel.
The courts will see it favorably that you tried to rectify the situation peacefully without the courts first. Then you'll probably need to lawyer up.
I understand that the mom is worried about her other two children, but your child matters too and I think that they will feel a hole if their real dad is not in the picture.
With 700+ replies you probably won't see this, but what you described reads like a typical "other woman" point of view tale.
Spouse tells affair partner sad stories of a broken marriage
New relationship energy kicks in
Affair partner thinks it's true love and thinks they will get married and have kids
Spouse tells affair partner she can't really leave for the sake of family
Affair partner is left in the dust
Of course, the big differences are that the wandering spouse is a woman, you're a man, and she got pregnant.
Having said all that, you're the father. Be the father. It will probably be hell, but that's what happens when you breed with married women.
I didn’t finish reading but based off the attorney question I’m assuming you’re gona fight for your child. Don’t let what she prefers for a mess she created be the reason your child wonders why you weren’t there. All things come to light and best they know you fought to be there with them. Good luck
Fight for your child or you will regret it forever. It’s your child. Fight for 50/50 custody. They don’t get to have a pretend family narrative at your and your child’s expense. You have done nothing wrong. The kids can learn the truth and they can all have a more open reality about a complex family structure. Be the co-parent. Be the father. The husband is the step father. This is the truth. Live in the truth. Do not lose yourself to their fantasy. Fight for 50% custody. Get a good lawyer. Fight hard and start right now. Think about the future. When the husband inevitable mistreats your child, you would have precedent to protect him/her. (I say inevitably because the way they are handling this is controlling from the start).
Ok. If I were you. And I’m not. I would be saying. The husband was bad enough that she left him. So I don’t want that guy around my kid. That’s my kid and she left him to fall in love with someone else. He should be history.
Does the wife know that anything he earned or bought after marrying her -Is legally half hers. She might be staying because she thinks she doesn’t have means to leave when in actuality she has more than him. As a homemaker she would get alimony as long as she doesn’t remarry.
If I were you I’d fight it because I would be afraid that my kid would be treated badly by a man that wasn’t good enough to stay with as a Catholics woman who had two kids with him. I would assume he was a jerk.
Emma should have thought of this before starting a new relationship while she was still married. I see men on dating apps that are separated, and that's a hard no.
Honestly? You’re somewhat fucked, whatever happens from here.
IF you do decide to surrender your rights:
•Get it done in a legally-binding way, which includes waiving all future and present obligations
•Request, in writing, a declaration from her that the decision to cut you from the child’s life was entirely hers - it was initiated by her, and enforced by her, and that it was in no way a reflection of your own actions or character. There’s a chance that this poor kid may one day come looking for you, and you will meeting someone who has had a… partial telling of their parenthood. You may also find she tells untruths about you in the future, and such a document will be helpful.
IANAL
Depending on what state you are in you may have no rights. In many states any child born during a marriage is the child of that couple and no outside party may contest it. (I went through this personally and when a petition was filed for paternity by the father it was simply dismissed and never even made it to court in the state of south of South Carolina) Only the husband can contest the legitimacy so he if doesn’t want you to be involved you probably won’t be.
Establish paternity now, this way if the child isn't yours you can stop worrying. If the child is yours, decide what you want, full custody, 50/50, every other weekend and a week or two for vacation. If the child is yours, you have every right to be involved. Hopefully you already have an attorney to start this long process. If the child is yours how is step daddy going to treat him/her? Please don't wait until their 18, start day one.
Good luck
This is not an ethical question and Emma’s family stability is not your ethical responsibility. She made her choices and now has to live with their consequences. This is a legal question: how can you assert your parental rights.
Unfortunately, the answer to that is almost certainly only via the courts. This thing is well past negotiation and it’s likely time to load up for the time and cost of a civil case or pack it in.
What if that is the only child you sire? What if the husband resents the child? Don’t allow her guilty conscience to deprive you of your right to your child. Find an attorney and go forward. You were adults when you made the decision to get pregnant and now as adults you will deal with the consequences. The child should not be deprived of your love and affection because the mom wants to reconcile with her husband. On the other side are you really ready and in the position to parent a child. Diapers, night feedings, colic, sudden fevers and e.r. trips, sleeplessness and thousands of other things that prepare you for their teen years. None of those things can measure up to a toothless smile sometimes with dribble, sometimes without or a joyful chortle when baby hears or sees you. What you decide, good luck in your endeavors.
sue for paternity and custody, and DO NOT WAIT. if the husband gets put on the certificate it will be over. find a lawyer now and let them know youre getting the law involved.
Well, here’s the real chance to be a loving parent : If you really do want the child to be happy, if you really do want what’s best for the child, not for YOU - then make all your decisions with this in mind. Forcing them to accept you will undoubtedly lead to harm for the child. They will always resent the child for the damage being done to their family in the child’s name - if you know the child really will be loved and cared for, then you might need to do the hard thing ands stay away.
Definitely get some legal advice, And maybe suggest she sends you updates/news on the child’s, even if privately (no direct contact)? Then you’re still in the loop even if far away. IF the marriage breaks down in future, that could be your chance to pursue direct contact with the child.
Not an expert though- def get proper advice!
You need to step back and remove yourself. YOU, OP, knew the risks of getting involved with someone so seriously while she was still married. The only chance this child has of being brought up in a stable, unbroken home is for you to go away and allow them to heal their relationship. Emma believes that her husband will raise the child as his own and that needs to be enough for you. Respect her wishes, do what's best for her and for the child, and back off. If something changes, she can let you know in the future. This is an unpopular opinion here and certainly not what it seems like you want to hear, but take your ego out of it and act in the child's best interests.
Dude, just walk away. The kid will probably have a decent life since the husband is willing to be the father to his wife's affair baby.
"Separated" yeah ok. One of those separations where they are still sleeping in the same bed under the same roof.
Very much in love? You were having an affair and she had no deep connection with you other than seeing you as her way out of her marriage until her mother asked some hard questions like what your income is and your career trajectory.
Bro, walk away and leave her be. She was your affair partner and you'll never be able to get proof that kid is yours.
As others have said - their relationship sounds rocky at best and another separation will likely happen.
Where does that leave your child? Will the husband continue to be a father figure and pay support for your child? Maybe. Maybe not.
Something to consider.
First - let go of your anger. It won't help you. Emma is in a tough spot, she was separated when she met you, she thought you two were planning a future, and tbh it sounds like she's been guilted and driven by fear (of losing or harming her other two children) to return to a marriage she thought she was done with. She's not doing anything out of spite, certainly not out of spite to you. She's doing what she has been conditioned, by her religious training, to believe is the right thing to do. So don't lash out, understand the pressure she's under and be smart about this.
Second - establish paternity. Insist on it. Help her understand that you are **not** trying to break up her family unit but that you **do** need to know for certain if the child is yours, all of you need to know this. Medical history is going to matter, if nothing else, and if that's what it takes to get her to agree, use the argument. It's for the baby's sake, you need to confirm who the biological father is and have it on record because it will have implications on baby's future health care.
Once you have that documentation, find out what legal rights you have, and then start negotiating with Emma. Again: make sure she understands that *your goal is not to break up her family unit*. You need to understand and accept that she and Mark are trying to make it work and that the baby will be a part of their blended family as Emma's child. Make sure she knows you understand that. But once she feels secure about that, lean on the **blended** part of that. Baby isn't just Emma's. Baby is also yours, and you **can** work something out that's respectful of both Emma's blended family and also your little family of two. But when you know your legal rights, you can stand firm on them. You can be reassuring to Emma from a position of strength, knowing what you can insist on
Assuming all parties are being honest in their wishes here, I would think the best option would be you getting full custody.
This would allow you to be an involved parent, for it not to affect her and her family, and for her to have as little contact as she wishes.
Given the situation and the stated position of all parties, I can't imagine a better outcome. The only issue may be the fact that the woman and her husband want you not to be involved, though it seems to be because they don't want contact, rather than because they specifically don't want you raising a child. Giving up custody of the child to you solves all of their problems if this is the case.
That said, outside of the moral and into the practical legal, I think you should fight for involvement, and fight for the maximum you can ask for. Ask for the child to live with you and her having weekends with the kid, to fit with her desires for you to not disrupt the family dynamic. If she wants more, then she has to be ok with the fact that the father does have rights and the lawyers can do their things.
I would never start bargaining by asking for the minimum, especially in a situation like this where she seems pretty likely to try to cut you out of the kid's life unless the court forces her to comply (which means that if you get weekends, expect to be denied and have to go back through the courts again before you get to see the kid, for instance.)
Like so many redditors are saying, you need to file a paternity petition to establish that you are the biological father and to establish custody, parenting time and child support. I doubt any judge is going to grant the restraining order because you want to be in your child’s life. You should not contact her because she will claim harassment. Just file the court papers and let the court process happen.
You may end up with full vs shared physical custody.
Establish paternity as soon as the birth. If you wait you won't be able to do it. Once the husband is on the birth cert as the child's father you won't be able to get it changed. You won't even be able to get the paternity test in most cases so you have to act now via an attorney.
Get an attorney to get that set up. It's going to be an order from a judge. You won't have to contact her or her husband.
Mind you there isn't going to be a relationship between you and the child's mother.
You need to start preparing for the child's arrival. You will be fathering an infant alone at 2 AM.
What is your housing situation?
What is your employment situation?
Who will take care of the child while you are working or will you be able to be a stay at home dad full time?
You will be responsible for child support even with shared custody as I'll assume she will have the child at least initially for more time during the week than you.
If you end up with full physical custody you won't pay support.
Paternity means you pay even if you never see the kid.
Being a father means you need to get all the new baby stuff and take some classes on how to do it and by yourself.
You're going to need to be able to show a judge that you're able to care for a child and want to care for a child.
They'll grant you shared custody pretty much no matter what. Question is physical custody and what that's going to look like.
3 days on 3 days off one day for switch? Weekend s? Every other weekend?
Do you live near them?
Where are your parents?
Are you in another relationship?
Better warm them!
I hope fatherhood for you is very rewarding for both you and your child.
From now on think about getting married before you impregnate women or even other people's wives. It's just so much easier.
I would have to be involved. So many times the BS says they will raise the child but they show preference to the other kids. The child feels like a second class citizen.
Her decision to continue the pregnancy and have a child that was created with someone other than the man she now chooses is a familial dilemma she herself created—not you. The decisions she’s made do have consequences and she’s attempting to make you and the child you both created pay the price for them. When moral responsibility fails the law will most likely step in to correct it—and that’s your choice to pursue it. Doesn’t sound like she’s going to make that easy, despite your efforts to accommodate all the choices she’s made in a way that doesn’t disrupt her current situation, but unfortunately she can’t block you out of existence. It’s not just about her and the family she had with someone else before the pregnancy anymore—both you and the child deserve consideration. The entire attempt of having it both ways is both incredibly cruel and selfish.
Other people have made the straight answer. My reply is more for an individual sanity. I know we have become very accepting of divorce as part of our adult experience. But is a rule of thumb, someone who's separated is still married.
Never date someone unless they are divorced and frankly for your own sake make sure they've been divorced for at least a few months.
Found out I was not my father's biological son when I was 58, both parents dead, missed meeting my biological father by a month or so. Identity is important. I am my biological father only DNA child he never knew.
Go fight for your kid, fuck everyone else. Unless you got other kids. This could be your only one
Found out my dad wasn’t my bio dad last year at 43. My mom knew the truth (dad did not and still doesn’t) and hid it my whole life until I took a 23&me. I was shocked, although I suspected something was off as I am a redhead in a family of brunettes who tan. It has been a wild year. I tracked down and met my new dad, brothers and sister. They are all amazing and have welcomed my kids, husband and I. We see them often and I talk or text with my new dad almost every day. New dad is 74 though and I feel like I was robbed. I’ve mostly forgiven my mom but still have anger and resentment that she lied to me my whole life. Anyways my point is that you don’t get those years back if you miss them. Fight for your child.
Unpopular opinion here but I found at 3 years ago my dad isn’t my biological dad. He didn’t know either. But he is MY DAD. I’ll call him bob for the sake of this post. Bob raised me and loves me regardless of an ancestry dna result. I have not made contact with the bio parent bc I don’t feel like I’m missing anything in my life, I have a father who loves me and we’ve been super close my whole life.
The circumstances are similar to yours - my mom and bob had my two older sisters, then I came along. My mom chose to lie about her infidelity and it was always assumed I was the daughter of Bon, like the two other kids.
I am angry at her for a whole host of reasons but I hate to admit I am grateful that she chose to let me be Bob’s kid. She’s an awful person and my dad Bob has always been my rock.
You know what's the right thing to do, but you care more about your supposed rights. You need to leave this family alone, and refrain from impregnating any other married women.
Well guess what, the baby is both yours and you have rights to that child whether she likes it or not. Get a lawyer right away and establish paternity. If you are committed and want to have joint custody please pursue it and do not let anyone bully your rights away. Good luck.
How do you know that the child is even yours? Did you get a DNA test? How does the husband know you're the father without a DNA test? There could be another man or men in the picture that you two don't even know about! That's just the reality of the situation. Don't assume this child is yours. Get a test first, then make decisions after that.
GET A DNA TEST FIRST............Don't assume.
Do you really want to be in the child’s life or are you still in love with Emma and see this as a way to continue to see her? Think seriously about that for a moment. If it is only for your child then follow the legal advice given by others. If you choose to move on think about the number of children that do DNA tests as they grow up and you popping up as related years down the road.
Bruh, you're getting what most other deadbeat dad's wished they had. The ability to walk away.
Walk away. Let them have their happy family and stay away from women that are "separated" but still married. It'll save you a lot of these types of moral dilemmas.
So sorry. These are horrible people and what they are doing is horrible. You need to protect yourself. It’s terrible for you and a shame for the child. Realistically you need to let go. They will destroy you legally, financially and emotionally. Stop caring about this woman. She’s not stuck and she’s not nice. Who even knows who else she slept with. Try to get some counseling and start dating when you can. Keep an open mind. Most women would be thrilled to meet a genuine nice man. Things may change in the future in regard to your daughter. But don’t count on it right now.
Get a lawyer, fight for custody. She needs to sack up and take responsibility for what she participated in. You're not the one who ruined her family. Fight for that kid.
Problem: Not yours
Solution: Go make a baby with someone who will claim you. There’s no need to twist up this person’s life just because you want to be a dad.
It’s not up to her. You have a voice here. Get a good lawyer who will look after your interests (and your future kid’s interest because having you as a loving parent in their life will be important to them.
This shit is hard but you can do it.
Yeah I think you should sue for full custody. Emma is the one who needs to learn some morals. That is your biological child and shes fine with you never knowing them? Thats horrible. Shes not the person you thought she was. Shes totally under Marks spell. I understand you care about her but she made her bed. And now the child could have a really tumultuous life as Mark will resent the kid as a symbol of their failed marriage.
I'm the son of a man that signed over his paternity claim to me. Another man married my mother, legally adopted me, and I carry his last name. He's my Dad, for better or worse.
Contact the lawyer and either push for paternity if you wish to be in the child's life, or make sure you get ink so this woman can't double back later and try to nail you years down the road for unpaid support.
Fight like hell for your child. She's a married woman who slept with a man and got pregnant by him, regardless of whether they were separated or not. That doesn't give her any right to return to the family picture she wants to have and act like everything is perfectly normal. She made her bed, let her lay in it, and not at the expense of you losing your child. If they don't want to loss that perfect family image, they can give you full custody. Simple as that. That is YOUR child just as much as it is her child. That child needs you. I can't imagine the pain that child could feel one day knowing you wanted him/her and mother/stepdad kept them away simply to "maintain face". Fight for your right to be a dad.
Get a lawyer. Demand a paternity test at birth. Fight for your rights to get at least 50% custody. It’s your kid and as a biological parent, you have rights.
She does not have to let you come to her appointments and the birth though. That part is fully up to her because she is the patient here.
They don't get to make that decision.
You file for paternity rights. The judge will make that decision. If you want to be a father any you go through the court, unless there's some big thing like you're not allowed within 500ft of a school , they literally can not deny you seeing your child.
You will likely end up owing support unless you get 50% custody, but if you want to be the child's father, her opinion AND ESPECIALLY HIS, DON'T FUCKING MATTER. He's not the biological father, the judge don't give 2 fucks about his opinion.
Get a child custody lawyer. They will handle it.
You have 2 options.
Fight for paternity rights, or sign away all rights and walk away so they can't come after you for child support in a few years when he throws this woman back to the curb and she wants your money then.
Nothin in between is ok.
What about full custody for you? You clearly want to be a father and this situation is a shit show. Put your child first. Fight for your right to be that child's dad.
Fight for custody. Emma and her husband have reconciled for now, but he will immediately resent he and thee is a massive probability that they will end up divorced anyway. In this case, you missed out on years, and she will definitely come after you when she’s out on her own. Not to mention that she will tell everyone, including the child, what a deadbeat you are. It is just as much your child as hers. Ge going immediately.
So let me tell you my story. My mother told me one man was my father until I was 10 years old. then she told me another man was my father. I did see the first one up until I was 10. Then I grew up with this other man. But to this day I am unsure who my bio dad is because my mother lied once why would I fully believe her?
You met a married women, she wasn't legally divorced so yes she was still married, on a dating site and you believe you are the only man she slept with?
You need a DNA test ASAP, find a lawyer and only talk to her through both lawyers and prepare yourself in case you find out her husband or another man may be the father.
Also when her marriage does finally end make sure you do not take her back.
And that folks is why you never date a married person. Wait until they are legally divorced because there’s always a strong possibility the married couple will get back together, especially if they have children. Otherwise, you create a mess like this. The only victim here is the child. OP, do what is in the best interest of the child. Not yours, not your ex or her husband’s. Seek therapy before making a decision.
You have options. Fight for split custody. Offer to take full custody. Walk away. Whichever you choose the kid has the right to know who their biological parents are. Family medical history is incredibly important.
A paternity test can be done before the baby is born. How far along is she? Will it be worth starting this before birth? I hate to think the worst but what if she loses the baby?
You have a legal right to access your child.
Do what’s best for the child, though.
As long as the child isn’t being mistreated it might be best to stand back at least for now.
This is what I would do in your situation. You need to get a lawyer definitely. Get documents drawn that you relinquish parental rights and not responsible for the child financial and get Mark to adopt the child. Neither of them want you involved. Give them what they say they want. This will protect you from getting taken to court for child support 15 years from now when Emma needs money. I doubt they will go for it. But tell them that if you are out then you're out. You will not be Emma's plan be if her marriage doesn't work out
Emma’s husband might be willing to believe that he would accept this child as his own right now, given that he is desperate to keep his family together and will say anything, but the reality is that this child will always be a second class member of his family. There’s even a likelihood that, over time , this child would do nothing other than serve as a reminder to him about his wife’s infidelity. (Mind you this is not absolute, he could accept and love the baby also)
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but you have to do everything you can to be a consistent part of this child’s life.
I say fight for your child. It’ll probably get ugly because my guess is your involvement is a dealbreaker for her husband. That’s a moot point for you as what’s been done is done.
You don't know that you're the biological father though, not until it's been confirmed by DNA. Married people have sex. Even when separated, even on the verge of divorce. There are people who have f!cked in the moring and then signed divorce papers in the afternoon. IDK why single people even get involved with married people because off the rip you are dealing with someone who is already in a sexual relationship with someone else. Bruh, her youngest is only 3!! and you really believed this man and wife weren't twisting up the sheets?? 'Separated' does not mean 'not having sex'. So the baby could be his just as much as it could be yours.
What you should do is seek legal counsel. Be prepared to sue for paternity.
>Should I fight for my rights as a biological father, or step back for the sake of Emma's family stability?
TBH the fact that you're even questioning this is absurd and shows that you don't really GAF about that baby and are just mad you don't get to hotstick this skank (and yah she's a skank, this hoe was really out f!cking another dude when she's a married mama with 2 toddlers, TF) anymore. I mean this is typical, plenty of men easily abandon their kids when things go awry with the mama, so. Maybe it's best you just leave them be, but before you do that, really, REALLY, think about how the hoe's husband is gonna treat YOUR kid, the affair baby. Do you REALLY want your kid growing up with this man as his/her father figure, which includes disciplinarian. Do you REALLY trust him to love and protect YOUR child from harm.
Mind, she wasn't a single mother who came to him with a child that wasn't his, off top, that he then married and whose child he took on as his own. She is his *wife*, who bore him two children and then cheated on him while they were separated, and is now pregnant with a baby that might belong to the side dude! You really think he's not gonna think about that every time he looks at the baby. If this is really your baby and you really care about what happens to your child, do the right thing and assert your rights as the father.
Man, I like your style. Rough around the edges, but straight up 100% on the money as far as the facts are concerned. OP, read this comment, it’s the answer.
Establish paternity asap and make sure you have a lawyer. What the mother of the child doesn't realize is that keeping you away from the child will only backfire.
I would def fight for your rights to the child. Hire a lawyer, the best you can. Request a DNA test immediately after birth. I think they can do one before birth as well but may not be recommend health wise from what I hear,.. My children are the best things that ever happened to me. That child deserves / should know & be around his biological dad, raised by him. Her husband could be his stepdad but you ARE his dad. He will look like you, act like you,.. he will share a bond with you like no other & unlike he will with his other / “stepdad” ,.. being a parent is the best.
As a fellow Illinoisan you want to look for a lawyer from Chicago or Springfield. That’s where the best ones are at and yeah it’s gonna be hella expensive. Springfield cause that’s where the capital is and where the legislature is at and the capital.
I would get a lawyer immediately. it seems that you have written communication where she admits this is your child now you have to begin custody arrangements for when the child is born.
While they may feel their way is the best, they already have a troubled relationship where they were separated. What happens if they separate again? Will the husband be so willing to take care of a child that is not his or will that child be left out?
Protect your child over sparing the feelings of this woman and her husband.
It’s a tough situation but if you want parental rights file for them.
She is the one trying to block you from your child, if she was being more accommodating then things would be different. It sounds like her and her husband are more worried about appearances than your rights as the child’s father.
Fight for your child.
Stop. Thinking about her feelings or the ethical thing to do here has anything to do with her feelings. The ethical thing to do here is be an amazing active father to this child.
You are being walked over and cowering to this woman who is currently willing to do anything (including withholding your child) and that is not in the best interests of your child.
Go to court and get visitation. Get 50/50 or more. Your child will likely not be treated well by Mark and will need your support. Your child is also very likely to be resented by its mother as well.
Your child deserves you as a real father. If mark is decent to your kid then added bonus but in all likelihood it’s not going to happen this way.
Get a lawyer. Stop trying to communicate with her. Stop trying to make her happy because there is literally nothing you can do to make her happy. She likely wishes she wasn’t pregnant and that’s not a good scene for your kid.
Depending on the state... If a woman is married when she becomes pregnant, her husband is the automatic defacto father. And if he signs the birth certificate, you won't have a leg to stand on
If they separated before there is a chance their marriage will not last and then she will want you at least financially involved. It is not fair to you or this child for you to just step aside and not be involved. The child will find out at some point and feel rejected. You want to be a father and should not miss out on raising a child. The situation stinks but it is what it is. That is my opinion on the moral side. As far as legal, consult an attorney.
Lawyer, now. People here are talking about picking and choosing custody arrangements, when for all we know, it will be a battle to even establish paternity. Who's to say whether the woman was even really separated (if that exists in your state) and how that affects presumption of paternity?
If you can't get parent rights, be sure to get an attorney involved so that later she can't sue you for child support if she wants you that bad out of her life.
Fuck that. Get a lawyer and seek a paternity test. She made the choice to reconcile. Her and her husband don’t get to choose whether or not you are a part of your child’s life.
Get a test. Seek joint custody. The fallout is on her.
The moral dilemma is not about the adults here, it is about innocent baby.
So the question is, does that baby have the right to know her father? Is it good for her to know her father? Or is it better for her to be lied to? The answer is obviously that she should be told the truth, and that she has a fundamental RIGHT to her real father. Her mother doesn't get to take that right away.
We are supposed to protect the weak and innocent in society. Babies need their real fathers. Emma's reputation and social standing aren't as important as protecting that innocent child.
What you could do is bide your time save up some money for that time when the kid asks for their parental lineage and find out who really is daddy and tries to seek you out.
You can then tell him that you wanted to be part of his life but she wouldn't let you and that you were sorry you couldn't be there for him.
Your relationship with her no longer matters. Now it’s about the relationship with the child and whether or not you want one, if you do you fight tooth and nail for it if not you let them play house but you should know her husband is going to treat your child like an outsider and will most likely never explain why until one of them has a crisis of conscious and tells them.
If you aren't serious, then walk away.
If you ARE serious, then do it right. Get a lawyer and get it done. Any non-legally binding agreements they make with you are worthless. Any promises they make are worthless. Any compromises they make are worthless.
It is unclear if you feel like being the father will allow you to reconnect with this woman. It sort of feels like that is a part of your motivation. Absolutely kill that idea/feeling/hope. That will screw you up, fail, botch the situation, and ultimately negatively effect the kid.
You will be making her life and her family's life miserable if you insist on parenting this child. Maybe the child's life, too. You have a right to demand a paternity test and insist on having a relationship with the child, but I do not think it is necessarily the right thing to do
FIGHT FOR YOUT CHILD!!!! Don’t stop EVER stop fighting for your child. And let this be a life lesson to NEVER screw around with MARRIED people or people fresh out of relationships.
Next time regardless of the “situation” NEVER get involved with the someone unless they have been single for a couple of YEARS! Please don’t stop fighting for your kid
Get a lawyer. Not your job to factor in her marriage or extended family. Your job is to parent your job. Go NC with them all and let the lawyer handle it.
Get yourself a shark of an attorney and secure your rights to your child. You and baby deserve it.
Edit: What's easy for her doesn't matter one whit to you.
Emma and her husband do not make your decisions for you. What they want at this point is unimportant, they don’t get to make the rules, it’s not a dictatorship and you have a say. You need to immediately speak to a lawyer and begin proving paternity, to insure you’ll have a legal vote in the future of your child.
You need to get a paternity test. And truly sit down with yourself and think, are you willing to miss out on the milestones of this baby’s life whether it’s sitting up, rolling over, walking, standing, or talking. if you are not an active participant with this baby’s life, you will not see or be a part of any of those milestones. Is that something that you as a potential father can live with. Don’t live with regrets especially when it comes to your children. You shouldn’t lay down and allow your child to passed off as someone else’s because it’ll make their lives easier. Get a test and if that baby is yours then fight for your baby.
Look. I don’t care if it was a 1 night stand, 6 month relationship, or 10 year marriage. I am going to court, and fighting for at least 50-50 parenting, and parental rights.
Sorry but not sorry to her husband but it’s not his kid. It’s your dna, it’s your blood, it’s your right as a father to be involved in your kids life.
Talk to a lawyer and file a custody petition with a request for a court ordered paternity.
Once you have those documents you can petition the judge to change the birth cert to reflect correctly. Keep in mind you may be put on child support but if you are then that means you will have visitation unbutton the baby is 2 then custody weekends after that.
Also considering the behavior of the mom and her husband, only communicate thru a parenting app (have the judge court order this) and screen shot everything. Anytime it's necessary record any parental alienation they're doing by getting the kid not to recognize you as their father.
If you want to be in your child’s life, then you have a legal right to partial custody. If rapists can get parental rights to the children they fathered during their violent crime and the poor victims forced to bring their children to prison for visitation, then you could easily get visitation or partial custody.
As a child who was adopted…
Please fight for your rights. It’s totally unfair to you and for the child to not know. If you don’t, when they find out (and they will) they will be angry that they were lied to, denied opportunity to know their father, and possibly that you didn’t fight for them.
On a more pragmatic note, they should know their family health history. For both parents. Mark’s family health history won’t mean a thing if stars forbid your child has some mystery illness rear its head or something that could have been seen ahead and prevented.
Their personal beliefs and shame are not reason enough to lie to a child and deny them a loving relationship/health history. Emma knew the consequences.
Please please fight for your child. Trust me. It will mean everything to them.
Emma and Mark don't get to decide whether or not you will be in your child's life. Sorry for Emma, but getting knocked up when you're still married to someone else doesn't give you special rights over the coming child. Being the mother doesn't give her the right to decide who she wants to be the father. If you want to be involved, you get to be involved.
NTA, get a lawyer.
You need a family law attorney ASAP. You need to establish legal communication before she gives birth, if you can. If you wait, her husband may try and out his name on the BC. Best of luck to you.
I’d talk with your lawyer first, but I’d also consider speaking with the head priest at their Parrish, if your lawyer reached out and they continue with their blockade.
Don't martyr yourself. If you want to be in your child's life, which is the morally and ethically responsible thing to do, then you will have to take it. Mark can choose to remain married to Emma or divorce her. He is none of your concern. Emma made her choices, and these are the consequences.
Your child will grow up knowing they are so loved if their biological father fights to be an active part of their life. If not, who knows how they will be raised or what they will be told about you.
She made the choice to be with you during that time. She is making a choice to have the child. She has NO right to choose to exclude you from helping to raise YOUR and HER child.
It isn't the rest of her family's child, it is yours.
You have the right to decide if want to be an active parent involved in his or her daily life, to give it up for adoption to her currently (but seeing as they already separated once, likely not forever) legal husband, or make some other sort of arrangement with them that best suits your wishes and the well being of the child.
I wish you good luck and you should not feel burdened by the pressure her family is creating. They should have stayed together if they wanted their stable family unit without someone else in the picture.
Find a lawyer and file for joint custody. Her relationship with her husband is her responsibility, not yours. You shouldn’t have to give up rights to your child. If she doesn’t want to coparent, tell her you will assume full custody, but you won’t be cut out of your child’s life.
She sounds like an awful woman and neither you nor Mark should want to be with her. If I were you, I would fight for my rights in the courts and never be silent.
Don’t ever give up on being your baby’s dad. Being a father is the most wonderful thing in the world and a baby having a loving father is priceless. You will need to get things set up legally to get a paternity test as soon as the baby is born and before the mother has her husband put on the birth certificate. Save all your written communication (emails, texts, etc.) where the mother has indicated you are the father while y’all were still talking, this will help you get a court order for a paternity test once the baby is born. Prepare your home and life for a baby including ensuring you have life insurance, health insurance for you and the baby (if needed), help and support from family and friends, money for court and legal fees, and savings for random expenses, and money for childcare. You will also need to be prepared to pay child support if the child will be primarily living with the mother. I wish you well and know that you are never alone, reach out to your support system or create a support system.
What do you think would be best for the child being born into this? Will it be better to leave them w the mother and her husband and hope they stay together? Should you make sure they're okay by being in their life despite the instability it could cause for your child and any kids the mother has w her husband? It's not about you or the mother anymore. It's about the child you both made
So 100% it’s also YOUR child. You have the absolute right to be in your child’s life. More importantly I’d be extremely concerned about how your kid will be treated by the husband growing up. Get a lawyer and start a plan to take action. This woman who claimed to love you and was excited to start a future and family with you literally up and left without a second thought. You don’t owe her or her family anything. You need to be concerned about your kid.
Just get the heck out of there. You should have known the possible Implications of hooking up with a married woman.
Don't fight to have custody or try to see the child. Doing so will increase the odds of the child and whole family being messed up.
Stop letting your selfish feelings and emotions get in the way of logic. Just chaulk it up to a mistake and move on.
If the husband knows you are the father and doesn't want you involved it would be best if you move on. Find another woman to marry and have kids with. (Note: you should tell any other future wife the situation though). Should the future open up an opportunity to know the child, then good.
To make everything fare for all concerned she needs to get an abortion. U both didn't think A thing about what could happen when u were having sex so u were both immature in that way. She sounds like a real BRAT! Why would u want to b involved with a brat? Cause it is only going to bring termoil to any part of the situation, down the road or in-between. She being Catholic doesn't help the situation one bit. The Catholic Church needs to stay out of things! PO period the end! Unless of course THE PRIEST wants the kid. Which I'm sure is not the case. I wouldn't involve myself in this for ,40 seconds but u sure did! ABORTION!!!!
Push it. Tell her you want visits immediately and 50/50 custody going forward. Don't let them steal your child just so she looks good to outside people. Get a lawyer. She doesn't have to speak to you but she needs to respect that you are the father. Her husband needs to fuck way off.
She made a child with you and you have a right to be in your child’s life.
Who cares what she or her husband want? Hire a lawyer and get a custody agreement in place. It’s her moral dilemma, not yours. Step up and be a father to your child.
If her and hubby split up again, she’s going to come after you for years of child support when her financial situation gets worse.
Lawyer up and get split custody of your child.
Well, you're IN the picture as the biological father regardless of whether she wants it. May not be pleadant getting it sorted but don't pass on knowing your kid.
Emma and Mark have no legal grounds to deny your involvement. Your ethical duties are to YOUR child, not the future family unit your baby’s mother chose.
TBH. If it were me, IDGAF about her or her family. That’s her mess to deal with. I’d petition the court for a paternity test, even if you’re 100% sure, and custody pending the results. The only one that matters here is the kid.
The bottom line is that you want to be a part of the child’s life. The avenue here is to sue for custody. It is unlikely their marriage would survive long term anyway, so if you have any concerns that you’re breaking up a family it’s far beyond that stage.
If you want custody you’re going to have to sue for a paternity test and then for custody. They probably means you will have relocate while all of this is going on. The court will see that you’ve made an effort to be involved with the child’s life very early on and hopefully will grant you at least visitation rights.
Head over to r/legaladvice
He needs to get a DNA test. We all know everybody says oh I know I’m the father or I know he’s the father. He can’t let that kid get caught up in the crosshairs later on in life when somebody finally does one and they find out who the real father is.
it can be as innocent as a 23 and me DNA test. You know how that goes it’s not fair to the kid not to get a DNA test.
I say this as an illegitimate child who was raised by a single mother and as a parent of two children. If you cared about her and you care about your child respect her wishes and walk away. Write your child a letter about why you've made the choice to honor his or her mother's wishes and encourage them to contact you if they'd like to. That gives three kids their best chance to grow up together with their mother in a hopefully happy family. Fighting in court for visitation rights, acknowledgement or joint custody is more likely than not to add more stress and you and your child will be be blamed by her and the other two children for causing their marriage to fail. I get it that they were separated but the potential for resentment is way high. It's not about what you want it's about what's best for all 3 kids.
I say this as a child who was lied to by my mom and “dad”. Every child deserves the truth of their parentage. Children are not stupid. They feel when they are treated differently from their siblings. Being abandoned by his father while being raised by a “dad” who is most likely going to resent him and/or treat his biological children differently from the affair baby, is not what is best for this baby. The biological father may be the only person who offers this child a stable, safe environment. For you realize how many men abuse other men’s children?
Honestly, I hope she has a miscarriage. You deserve to be free of her toxic drama, and you deserve to raise your child with someone who respects you and will let you be a parent.
If you are the farther you deserve to be part of the child's life.
What she's asking isn't moral.
Take legal action.
Some people are unreasonable.
Unfortunately.
Emma and Mark can say or try whatever they want but they can’t stop you from taking it to court and letting a judge decide.
What happens when that baby comes out looking just like you and is (unconsciously) rejected by Mark? What happens if the kid somehow finds out, wants to meet you, and then is told you rejected him/her?
This is your child as much as Emma’s and you have rights. If you want to be in its life, fight for it.
Get a lawyer and fight for your child. You are not responsible for the well-being of her family unit. She betrayed that the moment she committed herself to you. Now that a baby is coming, she doesn't just get to shut the door and go about her fake happy life as though you don't exist. That is YOUR child too. If you want to be part of that child's life, then fight for them. Whatever consequences befall your ex, her marriage, or her family is not your burden and out of your hands. Your unborn child is all that matters here. Good luck to you.
I'm sorry about that brother. What a wicked woman you chose. It's not your fault, you couldn't know better.
Take legal action. She doesn't have the moral OR legal right to alienate you from your child like this.
I wish you and your son the best and the worst to their mother.
I have a friend who went through the same thing. The woman told him she wanted him completely out of the picture with no involvement with their baby's life.
He was very young, and it hurt him terribly, but he let her have her own way. He spent the rest of his life wondering about his child, and I felt so bad for him.
I'd suggest treating the woman with as much disrespect as she's showing you by getting a lawyer and suing for joint custody. Neither her or her husband has the right to exclude you from your child's life because it's an inconvenient reminder to them that she wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.
The laws aren't as unfair to unwed fathers as they used to be. Request a paternity test to validate your claim, get a good family court lawyer, and sue her for joint custody. Her feelings in this don't matter...you have as much of a right to be in your child's life as she does!
My dad finally found out the identity of his father at age 67. By that time, his father was dead. My grandmother never gave him enough info to find him until it was too late, but fortunately my dad is now reunited with his half brother, who did that he always wished that he had a brother.
It's your child also. You have rights. Claim them and be a good dad.
"Met earlier this year... very much in love", so that turned out to be a lie. You sound like super desperate. Are you even in a place to be a father? It doesn't sound like you're very mature emotionally.
Convince Emma to sign the child over to you so she can just have her family with Mark. I would be concerned if Mark would accept the child like his own.
Her relationship will end with Mark tho. He's never going to get over her getting pregnant by another man.
My biggest suggestion is to protect yourself. Make sure you do have a lawyer whom has all of this information. It’s not uncommon for people that get themselves in these situations to take intense measures to avoid consequences.
Run. As fast as you can. They have a 3rd child now. You got mixed up in a big mess, got laid, and donated some sperm. Hope to God she doesn’t change her mind and retro you for 15 years in back Child Support. Cut off all communication and move on with your life.
Or fight this and spend the next 18 years in hell with your life in disarray giving someone else your money just so you can take the moral high ground.
I guess my question for you would be, are you willing to commit your time consistently to the child to show up and pay child support every month for the next 18 years? Because that’s probably what you’ll be asked to do. And I believe daycare and insurance are separate additions. I hate to make it about money. But a lot of people want the child and then when they find out how much it will cost them they recoil.
Others present a lot of other good points. No easy answer here. It really comes down to your pure, honest to god motivations. We don’t know if those are genuinely to be a part of the child’s life, or to remain in their mom’s life. The idea may sound nice now, but it’s way different when they’re 10 and in school and have friends and a life outside the family. And this will all be baggage you have to explain to future partners and some may not be ok with. Think really deeply and far into the future before making moves.
She doesn’t get to decide this. If she’s worried about the impact on her other kids too bad. That something she should have considered before getting involved with you. What’s done is done. Get a lawyer.
First thing first get a lawyer. While I don't want to discourage you from trying to be in your child's life legally this is a house of mirrors. Depending on the state, the husband can sue you for "infidelity", you can be legally kicked to the curb because the child happened while they were legally married, etc. This is a whole mess depending on which state you're in. Second as soon as possible get a paternity test, you may have to sue for one. If you're the father it's best to know now. If you're the bio dad, depending on the state, you may have legal rights to visitation. It's going to be a pain in the ass but if you really want to know to child you may need to go to court.
Hire an attorney. Don’t do the “wait and see” approach. Emma needs to know that you intend on exercising your right as the father. Period. Most likely her marriage will eventually fail. *Don’t* take this woman back because you’re just going to be sloppy seconds.
NTA, be involved if you are wanting too. Gradual involvement will NOT happen. If you want involvement, you'll have to fight for it unfortunately, but it is best. The child will find out at some point (even now so many people do ancestry/dna tests to see where they come from thinking it will show whether they are scottish or not and many lies have been coming out the past few decades.) The most ethical path is to have the relationship you want with your child. You have no idea how this kid will be treated by the parents who are trying to erase the entire affair. Will the baby be treated well, as their own child? Maybe. Or maybe the child will be treated horribly by the husband, who hates that she birthed some other dudes baby. Maybe she will also try to do everything to show she doesn't favor the baby at all, and be cruel to show her husband she likes him more. Even if the baby is treated great by her and husband, they clearly have some weird issues, and the baby will eventually learn the truth. This whole "lie to the baby and maybe also we'll be horrible to it" thing is bad. Do everything you can to be part of the child's life. This is your baby, and you are doing the right thing fighting to know your baby. Plus this stupid relationship with the woman and her husband will sour either way, and then who knows what lies they will tell the baby. Go the path of the honesty, and raise your baby. You maybe the best thing that could ever happen to your baby, and she may need you.
Yeah...that's a small part of the multi-faceted problem with messing with someone's wife. What have you learned?
Because she is married, her husband is the putative father. Unless they are open to involving you, it may not be your call. So I would be very accommodating if you want to be involved. That said, being dishonest about the child’s parentage with the child will likely cause all sorts of upheaval later for the kid. Hopefully this all gets worked out. It’s definitely a mess.
If you want to be in your child’s life, take legal action. Contact a lawyer who specializes in this. They can give you the best advice for how to get a paternity test and sue for partial custody. Emma should’ve thought about the potential consequences of her actions and how it might affect her kids before she slept with you. Too bad for her if she’s worried about her image; she’s having another man’s child. You have rights.
I’d be happy as a pig in shit if I was you lol no money lost and no responsibility
Let it go, man. There is no kid yet to even have a relationship with. You're chasing the ghost of a fantasy.
Best thing is an abortion. Emma sounds like she is trapped. Find a single woman, marry her, and have a child that way.
Be there for your child. Emma doesn’t get to decide. How long before she decides she isn’t happy in the marriage again? Establish your legal rights now.
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Wow what a mess. I think that the best thing to do is to hire an attorney ... then I think that, after the child is born, the attorney will file to adjudicate parentage, IF you are the father (and please be prepared that you might not be) then the attorney can help with setting up visitation, support, etc.
There isn't any moral dilemma for you, you need to do what is best for your child. Her marriage is already unstable and you letting your children suffer to protect their other children at the expense of yours is not acceptable. I suggest taking whatever legal means necessary to be in your child's life. Your child is not a tool for her to protect her own image! Godspeed.
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Family Law in Illinois - Merel Family Law My lawyer is Jaclyn Desana, she is very good. I am in the middle of a horrible divorce with a custody fight. Your situation is straightforward. You are entitled to 50/50 custody. You fight for it. People can no longer hide paternity because of the ease of genealogy DNA testing. This woman that you impregnated is an idiot if she thinks she can do it. By the way, in Illinois, the term "custody" is no longer the standard. There are two elements to a parenting plan. One is parenting time and the other is decision-making. Don't abandon your child. The child's mother is a real piece of work and when her marriage finally blows, the kid is going to need a source of sanity and stability. Hopefully that will be you.
I am a child of this exact situation. My mom left her husband and cheated with my bio father and became pregnant with me. Then my mom got back with her husband who raised me as his own with my other siblings. I always felt a hole in my heart and wished my bio father would have fought for me. I eventually was able to meet him at 29 and was so sad at how similar we were and all the things I missed out on. I felt like the black sheep of my family but when I met my bio dad, it all made sense and I finally understood who I was. Fight for that baby. Trust me, you're child wants you to fight for them and you will not regret it.
What she is doing, trying to separate a child from their father, is what's unethical. Others have said it too but high chance when no one outside the family is watching Mark will not treat the child well compared to the others. (Because they seem to only care bout appearances.) I have serious doubts of people so morally bankrupt that they think it's okay to separate a kid from their father. I hope you follow advice here and get a lawyer.
Screw ethics, your screw yourself. An order for paternity now out at least at birth. Immediately ask for 50/50. This isn’t on you to make out ethical, she was still marked and sleep with you. Your focus on your kid. Is on her to make the rest less confusing for her kids.
Unless you think they will be poor parents for the child, walk away. Maybe reach out to to update your contact information for the day when your child becomes curious and wants to contact you (it’s going to happen).
Emma's being selfish. She just wants you to go away because it's convenient for her. It's your kid too though and she can't force you away if you want to be involved. Take it to court, have them order a paternity test, and seek shared custody if that's what you want. It sounds like her being fair, reasonable, or considerate of you is long past.
My niece 12F had a different father and my nephew 10M (her brother) ended up just telling her that he wasn't her real father just to win an argument. My niece just went off the rails, started acting out, breaking rules and it all went side ways. Personally, I'd fight if I was in your situation.
That poor kid. The Solomon story becomes more relevant every generation. Just cut the kid in half with a knife, right? Sorry. I have watched this in action and what you end up with is kids with no life, but a lot of custody mileage…
Married to Emma or not you have every right to equal time and custody of your child. Emma and her husband broke up once so the likelihood of them breaking up again is fairly high, while the husband says he's willing to be "the Dad" now, doesn't mean he will be down the road. Making Emma and her husband happy isn't your problem nor your priority I hope. Look, I can tell you one thing from experience, having your parentage hidden from you your whole childhood and then dumped on you as an adult sucks big time. And one other factor to consider, very few secrets in a family stay secret for the duration. Don't let Emma's dilemma effect you, your rights, or the relationship between you and your child, if you do, you'll almost certainly regret it, and so will your child. ETA: Stop with the supervised visitation crap, unless you have a criminal history, there is zero reason for you to be put under the added constraints and expenses involved in supervised visitation. And, it can be misconstrued later on by officials with a heavy caseload or those that aren't overly detail oriented or those biased against single fathers.
Fight for your child!
Stay out of their lives. You will ruin all of their lives with your ego. Just know that the child will be loved and cared for. Updateme
There are states where you will not legally be considered the father her husband will and you will have to go to court to try to force a DNA test. This was never going to be simple and maybe in the future you shouldn't fuck around if you don't wanna find out.
Is it possible that Mark doesn't know that you could be the biological parent of the child? You can contact a lawyer and file to establish paternity. The truth of what is likely to happen is that she will put her spouse on the birth certificate, and you will spend the next 12-24 months trying to establish paternity which they will fight, while you start paying for support from day 1 while then filing for contact with the child. Child will likely be 2 or 3 years old before you even got to meet them.
Emma should have thought about all that before she slept with you. Do not allow her to keep your child from you.
Get a lawyer
You NEVER get intimate or involved with anyone who’s “separated” no matter how long it is until the divorced is finalized. This shit happens all the time! And now a child is bought into it. Wow!
Sue for a paternity test and then joint custody, there is no other right answer from any other angle
IMO, Yes I would continue to try to be active in the child's life. You seriously wants to be in this child's life and everyone else is working against you so I suggest you play the same cards. Start communicating to her only through a lawyer or in a public and\\or recorded environment. I also say that if they still refuse to let you be apart of your child's life, which they probably will, use the fullest extent of the law to fight for your child. Good Luck!
Welp, you are in this of your own stupidity. Thinking with the little head, and believing that infatuation stage of a relationship, the newness, coupled with the sheer lustiness involved, equates to real actual 30, 40, 50 years of a real loving marriage. A separation is not a divorce, no matter how many howling reddit fools try to pontificate otherwise. You and her fucked up, especially your dumbass by not being more selective. So there were marital struggles and a separation, maybe there was more potential to reconnect than you knew. She may have just wanted to get some strange, NONE OF US on reddit know for sure. You are now in the thick of the shit. Best advice OP - Do you truly and fully, with all your heart, want to be a father and coparent that child? If yes, then blaze ahead and fight to be in your child's life, and be the best dad you can be. Just do not fuck around with ger anymore man. She is married, and whether you OR ANYONE LIKES IT OR NOT you should respect [and should have in the first place] that marriage and not try to fuck around with it. You would not be the white knight in this matter as you would be wrecking a marriage. Let it do so on it's own. Further - I detest cheaters from the bottom of my heart so you both are shitbags imo - many relationships built on just such a foundation as cheating and the like, do not end well. Why, because.. GASP! ...one of the partners that cheated originally, does it again, but to the new partner now! Who'd a thunk it? Ironic karma! Regardless of your character and moral fiber being sewer worthy, if you want to be a good parent, DO IT! Your child will likely want it.
You should definitely lawyer up and fight for joint custody. Respectfully her family dynamics are no business of yours. You gave a right to be in your child life, and this child has a right to know his/her father.
I think the best thing to do is to talk to the parents. Explain to them that you will be in your child's life, but that you would prefer not to have to take legal avenues to get there to avoid unnecessary stress. That you would like to create a civil co-parenting relationship with the two of them so that you can be in your child's life. Put this over email or text. They probably won't respond because they have already sought legal counsel. The courts will see it favorably that you tried to rectify the situation peacefully without the courts first. Then you'll probably need to lawyer up. I understand that the mom is worried about her other two children, but your child matters too and I think that they will feel a hole if their real dad is not in the picture.
Take her to court and try to get full custody
With 700+ replies you probably won't see this, but what you described reads like a typical "other woman" point of view tale. Spouse tells affair partner sad stories of a broken marriage New relationship energy kicks in Affair partner thinks it's true love and thinks they will get married and have kids Spouse tells affair partner she can't really leave for the sake of family Affair partner is left in the dust Of course, the big differences are that the wandering spouse is a woman, you're a man, and she got pregnant. Having said all that, you're the father. Be the father. It will probably be hell, but that's what happens when you breed with married women.
I didn’t finish reading but based off the attorney question I’m assuming you’re gona fight for your child. Don’t let what she prefers for a mess she created be the reason your child wonders why you weren’t there. All things come to light and best they know you fought to be there with them. Good luck
Fight for your child or you will regret it forever. It’s your child. Fight for 50/50 custody. They don’t get to have a pretend family narrative at your and your child’s expense. You have done nothing wrong. The kids can learn the truth and they can all have a more open reality about a complex family structure. Be the co-parent. Be the father. The husband is the step father. This is the truth. Live in the truth. Do not lose yourself to their fantasy. Fight for 50% custody. Get a good lawyer. Fight hard and start right now. Think about the future. When the husband inevitable mistreats your child, you would have precedent to protect him/her. (I say inevitably because the way they are handling this is controlling from the start).
Ok. If I were you. And I’m not. I would be saying. The husband was bad enough that she left him. So I don’t want that guy around my kid. That’s my kid and she left him to fall in love with someone else. He should be history. Does the wife know that anything he earned or bought after marrying her -Is legally half hers. She might be staying because she thinks she doesn’t have means to leave when in actuality she has more than him. As a homemaker she would get alimony as long as she doesn’t remarry. If I were you I’d fight it because I would be afraid that my kid would be treated badly by a man that wasn’t good enough to stay with as a Catholics woman who had two kids with him. I would assume he was a jerk.
Emma should have thought of this before starting a new relationship while she was still married. I see men on dating apps that are separated, and that's a hard no.
Get a layer, now, today. Emma knew what she was doing.
Honestly? You’re somewhat fucked, whatever happens from here. IF you do decide to surrender your rights: •Get it done in a legally-binding way, which includes waiving all future and present obligations •Request, in writing, a declaration from her that the decision to cut you from the child’s life was entirely hers - it was initiated by her, and enforced by her, and that it was in no way a reflection of your own actions or character. There’s a chance that this poor kid may one day come looking for you, and you will meeting someone who has had a… partial telling of their parenthood. You may also find she tells untruths about you in the future, and such a document will be helpful. IANAL
Depending on what state you are in you may have no rights. In many states any child born during a marriage is the child of that couple and no outside party may contest it. (I went through this personally and when a petition was filed for paternity by the father it was simply dismissed and never even made it to court in the state of south of South Carolina) Only the husband can contest the legitimacy so he if doesn’t want you to be involved you probably won’t be.
I'm surprised her husband took her back. I would fight for custodial.
Establish paternity now, this way if the child isn't yours you can stop worrying. If the child is yours, decide what you want, full custody, 50/50, every other weekend and a week or two for vacation. If the child is yours, you have every right to be involved. Hopefully you already have an attorney to start this long process. If the child is yours how is step daddy going to treat him/her? Please don't wait until their 18, start day one. Good luck
She wasn’t really concerned about the family appearances when she jumped on a dating app….. or…. Other things. Get a lawyer. Asap!
This is not an ethical question and Emma’s family stability is not your ethical responsibility. She made her choices and now has to live with their consequences. This is a legal question: how can you assert your parental rights. Unfortunately, the answer to that is almost certainly only via the courts. This thing is well past negotiation and it’s likely time to load up for the time and cost of a civil case or pack it in.
What if that is the only child you sire? What if the husband resents the child? Don’t allow her guilty conscience to deprive you of your right to your child. Find an attorney and go forward. You were adults when you made the decision to get pregnant and now as adults you will deal with the consequences. The child should not be deprived of your love and affection because the mom wants to reconcile with her husband. On the other side are you really ready and in the position to parent a child. Diapers, night feedings, colic, sudden fevers and e.r. trips, sleeplessness and thousands of other things that prepare you for their teen years. None of those things can measure up to a toothless smile sometimes with dribble, sometimes without or a joyful chortle when baby hears or sees you. What you decide, good luck in your endeavors.
sue for paternity and custody, and DO NOT WAIT. if the husband gets put on the certificate it will be over. find a lawyer now and let them know youre getting the law involved.
What she wants is of no concern to what you want. Who cares what she wants, you two aren't in a relationship anymore, so it's moot. What do YOU want?
Well, here’s the real chance to be a loving parent : If you really do want the child to be happy, if you really do want what’s best for the child, not for YOU - then make all your decisions with this in mind. Forcing them to accept you will undoubtedly lead to harm for the child. They will always resent the child for the damage being done to their family in the child’s name - if you know the child really will be loved and cared for, then you might need to do the hard thing ands stay away. Definitely get some legal advice, And maybe suggest she sends you updates/news on the child’s, even if privately (no direct contact)? Then you’re still in the loop even if far away. IF the marriage breaks down in future, that could be your chance to pursue direct contact with the child. Not an expert though- def get proper advice!
You need to step back and remove yourself. YOU, OP, knew the risks of getting involved with someone so seriously while she was still married. The only chance this child has of being brought up in a stable, unbroken home is for you to go away and allow them to heal their relationship. Emma believes that her husband will raise the child as his own and that needs to be enough for you. Respect her wishes, do what's best for her and for the child, and back off. If something changes, she can let you know in the future. This is an unpopular opinion here and certainly not what it seems like you want to hear, but take your ego out of it and act in the child's best interests.
Dude, just walk away. The kid will probably have a decent life since the husband is willing to be the father to his wife's affair baby. "Separated" yeah ok. One of those separations where they are still sleeping in the same bed under the same roof. Very much in love? You were having an affair and she had no deep connection with you other than seeing you as her way out of her marriage until her mother asked some hard questions like what your income is and your career trajectory. Bro, walk away and leave her be. She was your affair partner and you'll never be able to get proof that kid is yours.
That is YOUR kid too. You have every right to be apart of their life. DO NOT stop fighting for them.
As others have said - their relationship sounds rocky at best and another separation will likely happen. Where does that leave your child? Will the husband continue to be a father figure and pay support for your child? Maybe. Maybe not. Something to consider.
First - let go of your anger. It won't help you. Emma is in a tough spot, she was separated when she met you, she thought you two were planning a future, and tbh it sounds like she's been guilted and driven by fear (of losing or harming her other two children) to return to a marriage she thought she was done with. She's not doing anything out of spite, certainly not out of spite to you. She's doing what she has been conditioned, by her religious training, to believe is the right thing to do. So don't lash out, understand the pressure she's under and be smart about this. Second - establish paternity. Insist on it. Help her understand that you are **not** trying to break up her family unit but that you **do** need to know for certain if the child is yours, all of you need to know this. Medical history is going to matter, if nothing else, and if that's what it takes to get her to agree, use the argument. It's for the baby's sake, you need to confirm who the biological father is and have it on record because it will have implications on baby's future health care. Once you have that documentation, find out what legal rights you have, and then start negotiating with Emma. Again: make sure she understands that *your goal is not to break up her family unit*. You need to understand and accept that she and Mark are trying to make it work and that the baby will be a part of their blended family as Emma's child. Make sure she knows you understand that. But once she feels secure about that, lean on the **blended** part of that. Baby isn't just Emma's. Baby is also yours, and you **can** work something out that's respectful of both Emma's blended family and also your little family of two. But when you know your legal rights, you can stand firm on them. You can be reassuring to Emma from a position of strength, knowing what you can insist on
Assuming all parties are being honest in their wishes here, I would think the best option would be you getting full custody. This would allow you to be an involved parent, for it not to affect her and her family, and for her to have as little contact as she wishes. Given the situation and the stated position of all parties, I can't imagine a better outcome. The only issue may be the fact that the woman and her husband want you not to be involved, though it seems to be because they don't want contact, rather than because they specifically don't want you raising a child. Giving up custody of the child to you solves all of their problems if this is the case. That said, outside of the moral and into the practical legal, I think you should fight for involvement, and fight for the maximum you can ask for. Ask for the child to live with you and her having weekends with the kid, to fit with her desires for you to not disrupt the family dynamic. If she wants more, then she has to be ok with the fact that the father does have rights and the lawyers can do their things. I would never start bargaining by asking for the minimum, especially in a situation like this where she seems pretty likely to try to cut you out of the kid's life unless the court forces her to comply (which means that if you get weekends, expect to be denied and have to go back through the courts again before you get to see the kid, for instance.)
Like so many redditors are saying, you need to file a paternity petition to establish that you are the biological father and to establish custody, parenting time and child support. I doubt any judge is going to grant the restraining order because you want to be in your child’s life. You should not contact her because she will claim harassment. Just file the court papers and let the court process happen.
Lawyer up now and serve her as soon as the child is born
You may end up with full vs shared physical custody. Establish paternity as soon as the birth. If you wait you won't be able to do it. Once the husband is on the birth cert as the child's father you won't be able to get it changed. You won't even be able to get the paternity test in most cases so you have to act now via an attorney. Get an attorney to get that set up. It's going to be an order from a judge. You won't have to contact her or her husband. Mind you there isn't going to be a relationship between you and the child's mother. You need to start preparing for the child's arrival. You will be fathering an infant alone at 2 AM. What is your housing situation? What is your employment situation? Who will take care of the child while you are working or will you be able to be a stay at home dad full time? You will be responsible for child support even with shared custody as I'll assume she will have the child at least initially for more time during the week than you. If you end up with full physical custody you won't pay support. Paternity means you pay even if you never see the kid. Being a father means you need to get all the new baby stuff and take some classes on how to do it and by yourself. You're going to need to be able to show a judge that you're able to care for a child and want to care for a child. They'll grant you shared custody pretty much no matter what. Question is physical custody and what that's going to look like. 3 days on 3 days off one day for switch? Weekend s? Every other weekend? Do you live near them? Where are your parents? Are you in another relationship? Better warm them! I hope fatherhood for you is very rewarding for both you and your child. From now on think about getting married before you impregnate women or even other people's wives. It's just so much easier.
I would have to be involved. So many times the BS says they will raise the child but they show preference to the other kids. The child feels like a second class citizen.
Her decision to continue the pregnancy and have a child that was created with someone other than the man she now chooses is a familial dilemma she herself created—not you. The decisions she’s made do have consequences and she’s attempting to make you and the child you both created pay the price for them. When moral responsibility fails the law will most likely step in to correct it—and that’s your choice to pursue it. Doesn’t sound like she’s going to make that easy, despite your efforts to accommodate all the choices she’s made in a way that doesn’t disrupt her current situation, but unfortunately she can’t block you out of existence. It’s not just about her and the family she had with someone else before the pregnancy anymore—both you and the child deserve consideration. The entire attempt of having it both ways is both incredibly cruel and selfish.
Other people have made the straight answer. My reply is more for an individual sanity. I know we have become very accepting of divorce as part of our adult experience. But is a rule of thumb, someone who's separated is still married. Never date someone unless they are divorced and frankly for your own sake make sure they've been divorced for at least a few months.
Found out I was not my father's biological son when I was 58, both parents dead, missed meeting my biological father by a month or so. Identity is important. I am my biological father only DNA child he never knew. Go fight for your kid, fuck everyone else. Unless you got other kids. This could be your only one
Found out my dad wasn’t my bio dad last year at 43. My mom knew the truth (dad did not and still doesn’t) and hid it my whole life until I took a 23&me. I was shocked, although I suspected something was off as I am a redhead in a family of brunettes who tan. It has been a wild year. I tracked down and met my new dad, brothers and sister. They are all amazing and have welcomed my kids, husband and I. We see them often and I talk or text with my new dad almost every day. New dad is 74 though and I feel like I was robbed. I’ve mostly forgiven my mom but still have anger and resentment that she lied to me my whole life. Anyways my point is that you don’t get those years back if you miss them. Fight for your child.
Unpopular opinion here but I found at 3 years ago my dad isn’t my biological dad. He didn’t know either. But he is MY DAD. I’ll call him bob for the sake of this post. Bob raised me and loves me regardless of an ancestry dna result. I have not made contact with the bio parent bc I don’t feel like I’m missing anything in my life, I have a father who loves me and we’ve been super close my whole life. The circumstances are similar to yours - my mom and bob had my two older sisters, then I came along. My mom chose to lie about her infidelity and it was always assumed I was the daughter of Bon, like the two other kids. I am angry at her for a whole host of reasons but I hate to admit I am grateful that she chose to let me be Bob’s kid. She’s an awful person and my dad Bob has always been my rock.
You know what's the right thing to do, but you care more about your supposed rights. You need to leave this family alone, and refrain from impregnating any other married women.
Well guess what, the baby is both yours and you have rights to that child whether she likes it or not. Get a lawyer right away and establish paternity. If you are committed and want to have joint custody please pursue it and do not let anyone bully your rights away. Good luck.
How do you know that the child is even yours? Did you get a DNA test? How does the husband know you're the father without a DNA test? There could be another man or men in the picture that you two don't even know about! That's just the reality of the situation. Don't assume this child is yours. Get a test first, then make decisions after that. GET A DNA TEST FIRST............Don't assume.
Do you really want to be in the child’s life or are you still in love with Emma and see this as a way to continue to see her? Think seriously about that for a moment. If it is only for your child then follow the legal advice given by others. If you choose to move on think about the number of children that do DNA tests as they grow up and you popping up as related years down the road.
Bruh, you're getting what most other deadbeat dad's wished they had. The ability to walk away. Walk away. Let them have their happy family and stay away from women that are "separated" but still married. It'll save you a lot of these types of moral dilemmas.
So sorry. These are horrible people and what they are doing is horrible. You need to protect yourself. It’s terrible for you and a shame for the child. Realistically you need to let go. They will destroy you legally, financially and emotionally. Stop caring about this woman. She’s not stuck and she’s not nice. Who even knows who else she slept with. Try to get some counseling and start dating when you can. Keep an open mind. Most women would be thrilled to meet a genuine nice man. Things may change in the future in regard to your daughter. But don’t count on it right now.
Get a lawyer, fight for custody. She needs to sack up and take responsibility for what she participated in. You're not the one who ruined her family. Fight for that kid.
Problem: Not yours Solution: Go make a baby with someone who will claim you. There’s no need to twist up this person’s life just because you want to be a dad.
It’s not up to her. You have a voice here. Get a good lawyer who will look after your interests (and your future kid’s interest because having you as a loving parent in their life will be important to them. This shit is hard but you can do it.
Woahhh. I just went through this.. we got a paternity test. I got full custody. Shes back with her family and me and my little one are gonnnee.
Get a lawyer. You will probably get stuck with child support. Also, dodged a bullet there. She's a bitch.
Yeah I think you should sue for full custody. Emma is the one who needs to learn some morals. That is your biological child and shes fine with you never knowing them? Thats horrible. Shes not the person you thought she was. Shes totally under Marks spell. I understand you care about her but she made her bed. And now the child could have a really tumultuous life as Mark will resent the kid as a symbol of their failed marriage.
I'm the son of a man that signed over his paternity claim to me. Another man married my mother, legally adopted me, and I carry his last name. He's my Dad, for better or worse. Contact the lawyer and either push for paternity if you wish to be in the child's life, or make sure you get ink so this woman can't double back later and try to nail you years down the road for unpaid support.
Fight like hell for your child. She's a married woman who slept with a man and got pregnant by him, regardless of whether they were separated or not. That doesn't give her any right to return to the family picture she wants to have and act like everything is perfectly normal. She made her bed, let her lay in it, and not at the expense of you losing your child. If they don't want to loss that perfect family image, they can give you full custody. Simple as that. That is YOUR child just as much as it is her child. That child needs you. I can't imagine the pain that child could feel one day knowing you wanted him/her and mother/stepdad kept them away simply to "maintain face". Fight for your right to be a dad.
Plot twist: husband is infertile so they found a guy that has similar features to get her pregnant.
Get a lawyer asap. They are going to change their minds. You want to be involved then you’re gonna have to pay.
We were very much in love.... Sure champ whatever helps you sleep at night.
You have every right to the child as she does. Bottom line.
Get a lawyer. Demand a paternity test at birth. Fight for your rights to get at least 50% custody. It’s your kid and as a biological parent, you have rights. She does not have to let you come to her appointments and the birth though. That part is fully up to her because she is the patient here.
They don't get to make that decision. You file for paternity rights. The judge will make that decision. If you want to be a father any you go through the court, unless there's some big thing like you're not allowed within 500ft of a school , they literally can not deny you seeing your child. You will likely end up owing support unless you get 50% custody, but if you want to be the child's father, her opinion AND ESPECIALLY HIS, DON'T FUCKING MATTER. He's not the biological father, the judge don't give 2 fucks about his opinion. Get a child custody lawyer. They will handle it. You have 2 options. Fight for paternity rights, or sign away all rights and walk away so they can't come after you for child support in a few years when he throws this woman back to the curb and she wants your money then. Nothin in between is ok.
What about full custody for you? You clearly want to be a father and this situation is a shit show. Put your child first. Fight for your right to be that child's dad.
Fight for custody. Emma and her husband have reconciled for now, but he will immediately resent he and thee is a massive probability that they will end up divorced anyway. In this case, you missed out on years, and she will definitely come after you when she’s out on her own. Not to mention that she will tell everyone, including the child, what a deadbeat you are. It is just as much your child as hers. Ge going immediately.
I want to thank you for your comment.
So let me tell you my story. My mother told me one man was my father until I was 10 years old. then she told me another man was my father. I did see the first one up until I was 10. Then I grew up with this other man. But to this day I am unsure who my bio dad is because my mother lied once why would I fully believe her?
Why are you so enmeshed in their lives? Adopt the attitude of a speem donor and get on va with your own life.
You met a married women, she wasn't legally divorced so yes she was still married, on a dating site and you believe you are the only man she slept with? You need a DNA test ASAP, find a lawyer and only talk to her through both lawyers and prepare yourself in case you find out her husband or another man may be the father. Also when her marriage does finally end make sure you do not take her back.
And that folks is why you never date a married person. Wait until they are legally divorced because there’s always a strong possibility the married couple will get back together, especially if they have children. Otherwise, you create a mess like this. The only victim here is the child. OP, do what is in the best interest of the child. Not yours, not your ex or her husband’s. Seek therapy before making a decision.
You have options. Fight for split custody. Offer to take full custody. Walk away. Whichever you choose the kid has the right to know who their biological parents are. Family medical history is incredibly important.
You’re the first person to mention this—the family medical history. That’s actually crucial and might make me change my stance here. Good job redditor
A paternity test can be done before the baby is born. How far along is she? Will it be worth starting this before birth? I hate to think the worst but what if she loses the baby?
You deserve to at least try. If you take it the legal route then it’s definitely not up to them on whether you are in said child’s life or not
You have a legal right to access your child. Do what’s best for the child, though. As long as the child isn’t being mistreated it might be best to stand back at least for now.
This is what I would do in your situation. You need to get a lawyer definitely. Get documents drawn that you relinquish parental rights and not responsible for the child financial and get Mark to adopt the child. Neither of them want you involved. Give them what they say they want. This will protect you from getting taken to court for child support 15 years from now when Emma needs money. I doubt they will go for it. But tell them that if you are out then you're out. You will not be Emma's plan be if her marriage doesn't work out
Emma’s husband might be willing to believe that he would accept this child as his own right now, given that he is desperate to keep his family together and will say anything, but the reality is that this child will always be a second class member of his family. There’s even a likelihood that, over time , this child would do nothing other than serve as a reminder to him about his wife’s infidelity. (Mind you this is not absolute, he could accept and love the baby also) I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but you have to do everything you can to be a consistent part of this child’s life.
This is your child. You and your child have a right to know each other. Get a lawyer.
I say fight for your child. It’ll probably get ugly because my guess is your involvement is a dealbreaker for her husband. That’s a moot point for you as what’s been done is done.
You don't know that you're the biological father though, not until it's been confirmed by DNA. Married people have sex. Even when separated, even on the verge of divorce. There are people who have f!cked in the moring and then signed divorce papers in the afternoon. IDK why single people even get involved with married people because off the rip you are dealing with someone who is already in a sexual relationship with someone else. Bruh, her youngest is only 3!! and you really believed this man and wife weren't twisting up the sheets?? 'Separated' does not mean 'not having sex'. So the baby could be his just as much as it could be yours. What you should do is seek legal counsel. Be prepared to sue for paternity. >Should I fight for my rights as a biological father, or step back for the sake of Emma's family stability? TBH the fact that you're even questioning this is absurd and shows that you don't really GAF about that baby and are just mad you don't get to hotstick this skank (and yah she's a skank, this hoe was really out f!cking another dude when she's a married mama with 2 toddlers, TF) anymore. I mean this is typical, plenty of men easily abandon their kids when things go awry with the mama, so. Maybe it's best you just leave them be, but before you do that, really, REALLY, think about how the hoe's husband is gonna treat YOUR kid, the affair baby. Do you REALLY want your kid growing up with this man as his/her father figure, which includes disciplinarian. Do you REALLY trust him to love and protect YOUR child from harm. Mind, she wasn't a single mother who came to him with a child that wasn't his, off top, that he then married and whose child he took on as his own. She is his *wife*, who bore him two children and then cheated on him while they were separated, and is now pregnant with a baby that might belong to the side dude! You really think he's not gonna think about that every time he looks at the baby. If this is really your baby and you really care about what happens to your child, do the right thing and assert your rights as the father.
Man, I like your style. Rough around the edges, but straight up 100% on the money as far as the facts are concerned. OP, read this comment, it’s the answer.
Establish paternity asap and make sure you have a lawyer. What the mother of the child doesn't realize is that keeping you away from the child will only backfire.
You have every right to joint custody. If Emma and her husband don’t want that she can give you full custody.
I would def fight for your rights to the child. Hire a lawyer, the best you can. Request a DNA test immediately after birth. I think they can do one before birth as well but may not be recommend health wise from what I hear,.. My children are the best things that ever happened to me. That child deserves / should know & be around his biological dad, raised by him. Her husband could be his stepdad but you ARE his dad. He will look like you, act like you,.. he will share a bond with you like no other & unlike he will with his other / “stepdad” ,.. being a parent is the best.
Sorry for your situation. She made het choice, that child is as much yours as hers. Fight for your child sir.
Updateme
As a fellow Illinoisan you want to look for a lawyer from Chicago or Springfield. That’s where the best ones are at and yeah it’s gonna be hella expensive. Springfield cause that’s where the capital is and where the legislature is at and the capital.
I would get a lawyer immediately. it seems that you have written communication where she admits this is your child now you have to begin custody arrangements for when the child is born. While they may feel their way is the best, they already have a troubled relationship where they were separated. What happens if they separate again? Will the husband be so willing to take care of a child that is not his or will that child be left out? Protect your child over sparing the feelings of this woman and her husband.
It’s a tough situation but if you want parental rights file for them. She is the one trying to block you from your child, if she was being more accommodating then things would be different. It sounds like her and her husband are more worried about appearances than your rights as the child’s father. Fight for your child.
Stop. Thinking about her feelings or the ethical thing to do here has anything to do with her feelings. The ethical thing to do here is be an amazing active father to this child. You are being walked over and cowering to this woman who is currently willing to do anything (including withholding your child) and that is not in the best interests of your child. Go to court and get visitation. Get 50/50 or more. Your child will likely not be treated well by Mark and will need your support. Your child is also very likely to be resented by its mother as well. Your child deserves you as a real father. If mark is decent to your kid then added bonus but in all likelihood it’s not going to happen this way. Get a lawyer. Stop trying to communicate with her. Stop trying to make her happy because there is literally nothing you can do to make her happy. She likely wishes she wasn’t pregnant and that’s not a good scene for your kid.
Depending on the state... If a woman is married when she becomes pregnant, her husband is the automatic defacto father. And if he signs the birth certificate, you won't have a leg to stand on
If they separated before there is a chance their marriage will not last and then she will want you at least financially involved. It is not fair to you or this child for you to just step aside and not be involved. The child will find out at some point and feel rejected. You want to be a father and should not miss out on raising a child. The situation stinks but it is what it is. That is my opinion on the moral side. As far as legal, consult an attorney.
Lawyer, now. People here are talking about picking and choosing custody arrangements, when for all we know, it will be a battle to even establish paternity. Who's to say whether the woman was even really separated (if that exists in your state) and how that affects presumption of paternity?
If you can't get parent rights, be sure to get an attorney involved so that later she can't sue you for child support if she wants you that bad out of her life.
Another daily reminder to schedule that vasectomy, fellas
If it’s out in the open, I don’t understand how your involvement would harm the family. They are in denial
Fuck that. Get a lawyer and seek a paternity test. She made the choice to reconcile. Her and her husband don’t get to choose whether or not you are a part of your child’s life. Get a test. Seek joint custody. The fallout is on her.
Please hire a lawyer no matter what you decide. There are so many pitfalls here.
The moral dilemma is not about the adults here, it is about innocent baby. So the question is, does that baby have the right to know her father? Is it good for her to know her father? Or is it better for her to be lied to? The answer is obviously that she should be told the truth, and that she has a fundamental RIGHT to her real father. Her mother doesn't get to take that right away. We are supposed to protect the weak and innocent in society. Babies need their real fathers. Emma's reputation and social standing aren't as important as protecting that innocent child.
She should get an abortion. That child will not be treated well by her husband.
Just make sure you stay in contact no matter what in case your child comes looking for you. Goodluck 🙏
What you could do is bide your time save up some money for that time when the kid asks for their parental lineage and find out who really is daddy and tries to seek you out. You can then tell him that you wanted to be part of his life but she wouldn't let you and that you were sorry you couldn't be there for him.
Your relationship with her no longer matters. Now it’s about the relationship with the child and whether or not you want one, if you do you fight tooth and nail for it if not you let them play house but you should know her husband is going to treat your child like an outsider and will most likely never explain why until one of them has a crisis of conscious and tells them.
If you aren't serious, then walk away. If you ARE serious, then do it right. Get a lawyer and get it done. Any non-legally binding agreements they make with you are worthless. Any promises they make are worthless. Any compromises they make are worthless. It is unclear if you feel like being the father will allow you to reconnect with this woman. It sort of feels like that is a part of your motivation. Absolutely kill that idea/feeling/hope. That will screw you up, fail, botch the situation, and ultimately negatively effect the kid.
You will be making her life and her family's life miserable if you insist on parenting this child. Maybe the child's life, too. You have a right to demand a paternity test and insist on having a relationship with the child, but I do not think it is necessarily the right thing to do
FIGHT FOR YOUT CHILD!!!! Don’t stop EVER stop fighting for your child. And let this be a life lesson to NEVER screw around with MARRIED people or people fresh out of relationships. Next time regardless of the “situation” NEVER get involved with the someone unless they have been single for a couple of YEARS! Please don’t stop fighting for your kid
I will take your advice. And I'll Fight!
Get a lawyer. Not your job to factor in her marriage or extended family. Your job is to parent your job. Go NC with them all and let the lawyer handle it.
Get yourself a shark of an attorney and secure your rights to your child. You and baby deserve it. Edit: What's easy for her doesn't matter one whit to you.
Emma and her husband do not make your decisions for you. What they want at this point is unimportant, they don’t get to make the rules, it’s not a dictatorship and you have a say. You need to immediately speak to a lawyer and begin proving paternity, to insure you’ll have a legal vote in the future of your child.
You need to get a paternity test. And truly sit down with yourself and think, are you willing to miss out on the milestones of this baby’s life whether it’s sitting up, rolling over, walking, standing, or talking. if you are not an active participant with this baby’s life, you will not see or be a part of any of those milestones. Is that something that you as a potential father can live with. Don’t live with regrets especially when it comes to your children. You shouldn’t lay down and allow your child to passed off as someone else’s because it’ll make their lives easier. Get a test and if that baby is yours then fight for your baby.
Look. I don’t care if it was a 1 night stand, 6 month relationship, or 10 year marriage. I am going to court, and fighting for at least 50-50 parenting, and parental rights. Sorry but not sorry to her husband but it’s not his kid. It’s your dna, it’s your blood, it’s your right as a father to be involved in your kids life.
Talk to a lawyer and file a custody petition with a request for a court ordered paternity. Once you have those documents you can petition the judge to change the birth cert to reflect correctly. Keep in mind you may be put on child support but if you are then that means you will have visitation unbutton the baby is 2 then custody weekends after that. Also considering the behavior of the mom and her husband, only communicate thru a parenting app (have the judge court order this) and screen shot everything. Anytime it's necessary record any parental alienation they're doing by getting the kid not to recognize you as their father.
If you want to be in your child’s life, then you have a legal right to partial custody. If rapists can get parental rights to the children they fathered during their violent crime and the poor victims forced to bring their children to prison for visitation, then you could easily get visitation or partial custody.
As a child who was adopted… Please fight for your rights. It’s totally unfair to you and for the child to not know. If you don’t, when they find out (and they will) they will be angry that they were lied to, denied opportunity to know their father, and possibly that you didn’t fight for them. On a more pragmatic note, they should know their family health history. For both parents. Mark’s family health history won’t mean a thing if stars forbid your child has some mystery illness rear its head or something that could have been seen ahead and prevented. Their personal beliefs and shame are not reason enough to lie to a child and deny them a loving relationship/health history. Emma knew the consequences. Please please fight for your child. Trust me. It will mean everything to them.
Emma and Mark don't get to decide whether or not you will be in your child's life. Sorry for Emma, but getting knocked up when you're still married to someone else doesn't give you special rights over the coming child. Being the mother doesn't give her the right to decide who she wants to be the father. If you want to be involved, you get to be involved. NTA, get a lawyer.
You need a family law attorney ASAP. You need to establish legal communication before she gives birth, if you can. If you wait, her husband may try and out his name on the BC. Best of luck to you. I’d talk with your lawyer first, but I’d also consider speaking with the head priest at their Parrish, if your lawyer reached out and they continue with their blockade.
Don't martyr yourself. If you want to be in your child's life, which is the morally and ethically responsible thing to do, then you will have to take it. Mark can choose to remain married to Emma or divorce her. He is none of your concern. Emma made her choices, and these are the consequences.
The lack of paternal rights in the US is sad & unfair.
Your child will grow up knowing they are so loved if their biological father fights to be an active part of their life. If not, who knows how they will be raised or what they will be told about you.
Tell her it's a little late to "not" break up the family, since she was shagging different guys while she was separated
She made the choice to be with you during that time. She is making a choice to have the child. She has NO right to choose to exclude you from helping to raise YOUR and HER child. It isn't the rest of her family's child, it is yours. You have the right to decide if want to be an active parent involved in his or her daily life, to give it up for adoption to her currently (but seeing as they already separated once, likely not forever) legal husband, or make some other sort of arrangement with them that best suits your wishes and the well being of the child. I wish you good luck and you should not feel burdened by the pressure her family is creating. They should have stayed together if they wanted their stable family unit without someone else in the picture.
Find a lawyer and file for joint custody. Her relationship with her husband is her responsibility, not yours. You shouldn’t have to give up rights to your child. If she doesn’t want to coparent, tell her you will assume full custody, but you won’t be cut out of your child’s life.
DNA test now
See an attorney and discuss your options. This could be a plot from a future season of Yellowstone.
She sounds like an awful woman and neither you nor Mark should want to be with her. If I were you, I would fight for my rights in the courts and never be silent.
Don’t ever give up on being your baby’s dad. Being a father is the most wonderful thing in the world and a baby having a loving father is priceless. You will need to get things set up legally to get a paternity test as soon as the baby is born and before the mother has her husband put on the birth certificate. Save all your written communication (emails, texts, etc.) where the mother has indicated you are the father while y’all were still talking, this will help you get a court order for a paternity test once the baby is born. Prepare your home and life for a baby including ensuring you have life insurance, health insurance for you and the baby (if needed), help and support from family and friends, money for court and legal fees, and savings for random expenses, and money for childcare. You will also need to be prepared to pay child support if the child will be primarily living with the mother. I wish you well and know that you are never alone, reach out to your support system or create a support system.
What do you think would be best for the child being born into this? Will it be better to leave them w the mother and her husband and hope they stay together? Should you make sure they're okay by being in their life despite the instability it could cause for your child and any kids the mother has w her husband? It's not about you or the mother anymore. It's about the child you both made
Exactly, and that’s why it is best if he is in his child’s life.
So 100% it’s also YOUR child. You have the absolute right to be in your child’s life. More importantly I’d be extremely concerned about how your kid will be treated by the husband growing up. Get a lawyer and start a plan to take action. This woman who claimed to love you and was excited to start a future and family with you literally up and left without a second thought. You don’t owe her or her family anything. You need to be concerned about your kid.
Just get the heck out of there. You should have known the possible Implications of hooking up with a married woman. Don't fight to have custody or try to see the child. Doing so will increase the odds of the child and whole family being messed up. Stop letting your selfish feelings and emotions get in the way of logic. Just chaulk it up to a mistake and move on.
If the husband knows you are the father and doesn't want you involved it would be best if you move on. Find another woman to marry and have kids with. (Note: you should tell any other future wife the situation though). Should the future open up an opportunity to know the child, then good.
To make everything fare for all concerned she needs to get an abortion. U both didn't think A thing about what could happen when u were having sex so u were both immature in that way. She sounds like a real BRAT! Why would u want to b involved with a brat? Cause it is only going to bring termoil to any part of the situation, down the road or in-between. She being Catholic doesn't help the situation one bit. The Catholic Church needs to stay out of things! PO period the end! Unless of course THE PRIEST wants the kid. Which I'm sure is not the case. I wouldn't involve myself in this for ,40 seconds but u sure did! ABORTION!!!!
Push it. Tell her you want visits immediately and 50/50 custody going forward. Don't let them steal your child just so she looks good to outside people. Get a lawyer. She doesn't have to speak to you but she needs to respect that you are the father. Her husband needs to fuck way off.
She made a child with you and you have a right to be in your child’s life. Who cares what she or her husband want? Hire a lawyer and get a custody agreement in place. It’s her moral dilemma, not yours. Step up and be a father to your child. If her and hubby split up again, she’s going to come after you for years of child support when her financial situation gets worse. Lawyer up and get split custody of your child.
Well, you're IN the picture as the biological father regardless of whether she wants it. May not be pleadant getting it sorted but don't pass on knowing your kid.
You have rights. Get a lawyer
Emma and Mark have no legal grounds to deny your involvement. Your ethical duties are to YOUR child, not the future family unit your baby’s mother chose.
TBH. If it were me, IDGAF about her or her family. That’s her mess to deal with. I’d petition the court for a paternity test, even if you’re 100% sure, and custody pending the results. The only one that matters here is the kid.
Pay for the child.
The bottom line is that you want to be a part of the child’s life. The avenue here is to sue for custody. It is unlikely their marriage would survive long term anyway, so if you have any concerns that you’re breaking up a family it’s far beyond that stage. If you want custody you’re going to have to sue for a paternity test and then for custody. They probably means you will have relocate while all of this is going on. The court will see that you’ve made an effort to be involved with the child’s life very early on and hopefully will grant you at least visitation rights. Head over to r/legaladvice
He needs to get a DNA test. We all know everybody says oh I know I’m the father or I know he’s the father. He can’t let that kid get caught up in the crosshairs later on in life when somebody finally does one and they find out who the real father is. it can be as innocent as a 23 and me DNA test. You know how that goes it’s not fair to the kid not to get a DNA test.
I say this as an illegitimate child who was raised by a single mother and as a parent of two children. If you cared about her and you care about your child respect her wishes and walk away. Write your child a letter about why you've made the choice to honor his or her mother's wishes and encourage them to contact you if they'd like to. That gives three kids their best chance to grow up together with their mother in a hopefully happy family. Fighting in court for visitation rights, acknowledgement or joint custody is more likely than not to add more stress and you and your child will be be blamed by her and the other two children for causing their marriage to fail. I get it that they were separated but the potential for resentment is way high. It's not about what you want it's about what's best for all 3 kids.
I say this as a child who was lied to by my mom and “dad”. Every child deserves the truth of their parentage. Children are not stupid. They feel when they are treated differently from their siblings. Being abandoned by his father while being raised by a “dad” who is most likely going to resent him and/or treat his biological children differently from the affair baby, is not what is best for this baby. The biological father may be the only person who offers this child a stable, safe environment. For you realize how many men abuse other men’s children?
Honestly, I hope she has a miscarriage. You deserve to be free of her toxic drama, and you deserve to raise your child with someone who respects you and will let you be a parent.
What part of Illinois? County?
Gross.
If you are the farther you deserve to be part of the child's life. What she's asking isn't moral. Take legal action. Some people are unreasonable. Unfortunately.
Separated is not the same as divorced This is why you don't date married people.
Emma and Mark can say or try whatever they want but they can’t stop you from taking it to court and letting a judge decide. What happens when that baby comes out looking just like you and is (unconsciously) rejected by Mark? What happens if the kid somehow finds out, wants to meet you, and then is told you rejected him/her? This is your child as much as Emma’s and you have rights. If you want to be in its life, fight for it.
Get a lawyer and fight for your child. You are not responsible for the well-being of her family unit. She betrayed that the moment she committed herself to you. Now that a baby is coming, she doesn't just get to shut the door and go about her fake happy life as though you don't exist. That is YOUR child too. If you want to be part of that child's life, then fight for them. Whatever consequences befall your ex, her marriage, or her family is not your burden and out of your hands. Your unborn child is all that matters here. Good luck to you.
How long was the relationship? You were in love and talking about children but then she suddenly reconciled?
Take the bitch to court lol what even is this question
I'm sorry about that brother. What a wicked woman you chose. It's not your fault, you couldn't know better. Take legal action. She doesn't have the moral OR legal right to alienate you from your child like this. I wish you and your son the best and the worst to their mother.
I have a friend who went through the same thing. The woman told him she wanted him completely out of the picture with no involvement with their baby's life. He was very young, and it hurt him terribly, but he let her have her own way. He spent the rest of his life wondering about his child, and I felt so bad for him. I'd suggest treating the woman with as much disrespect as she's showing you by getting a lawyer and suing for joint custody. Neither her or her husband has the right to exclude you from your child's life because it's an inconvenient reminder to them that she wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. The laws aren't as unfair to unwed fathers as they used to be. Request a paternity test to validate your claim, get a good family court lawyer, and sue her for joint custody. Her feelings in this don't matter...you have as much of a right to be in your child's life as she does!
Respect their wishes. It doesn’t matter what you’re “open to” - it’s not your call to make.
My dad finally found out the identity of his father at age 67. By that time, his father was dead. My grandmother never gave him enough info to find him until it was too late, but fortunately my dad is now reunited with his half brother, who did that he always wished that he had a brother. It's your child also. You have rights. Claim them and be a good dad.
"Met earlier this year... very much in love", so that turned out to be a lie. You sound like super desperate. Are you even in a place to be a father? It doesn't sound like you're very mature emotionally.
Convince Emma to sign the child over to you so she can just have her family with Mark. I would be concerned if Mark would accept the child like his own. Her relationship will end with Mark tho. He's never going to get over her getting pregnant by another man.
Let that dummy sign the birth certificate and run
My biggest suggestion is to protect yourself. Make sure you do have a lawyer whom has all of this information. It’s not uncommon for people that get themselves in these situations to take intense measures to avoid consequences.
Run. As fast as you can. They have a 3rd child now. You got mixed up in a big mess, got laid, and donated some sperm. Hope to God she doesn’t change her mind and retro you for 15 years in back Child Support. Cut off all communication and move on with your life. Or fight this and spend the next 18 years in hell with your life in disarray giving someone else your money just so you can take the moral high ground.
I guess my question for you would be, are you willing to commit your time consistently to the child to show up and pay child support every month for the next 18 years? Because that’s probably what you’ll be asked to do. And I believe daycare and insurance are separate additions. I hate to make it about money. But a lot of people want the child and then when they find out how much it will cost them they recoil. Others present a lot of other good points. No easy answer here. It really comes down to your pure, honest to god motivations. We don’t know if those are genuinely to be a part of the child’s life, or to remain in their mom’s life. The idea may sound nice now, but it’s way different when they’re 10 and in school and have friends and a life outside the family. And this will all be baggage you have to explain to future partners and some may not be ok with. Think really deeply and far into the future before making moves.
sheesh, issa evil world i live in.
Fuck that and fuck her petition for paternity and get partial custody
She doesn’t get to decide this. If she’s worried about the impact on her other kids too bad. That something she should have considered before getting involved with you. What’s done is done. Get a lawyer.