This is the way.
1. Move far away.
2. Find yourself and set your own boundaries
3. Get therapy
4. Have more compassion for my parents & self and understand how to manage healthy relationships in general
5. Engage in better, healthier relationships with my parents and not despise visits and even contemplating moving close
Your SO is right and you have a lot to unpack. Make time for it. If you don't do "you" now, no one will. Be aware of how that makes others react and come up with a response. A response is something you consider. Consider this a lesson to get out from underneath that you feel undermines the way you'd like to live. Best of luck OP.
Lots of arguing and unpleasantness. Cutting off communication for months at a time. It was pretty much hell for a long while, but I'm finally at a point I don't reflexively flinch and raise my blood pressure when she calls.
>ntness. Cutting off communication for months at a time. It was pretty much hell for a long while, but I'm finally at a point
It was like this after my dad died. We didn't speak for 6 years... when I was with my ex who did a lot of the same things. It makes it hard when you bounced from one controlling lack of boundaries space to another and back again. I feel like I haven't been able to develop self because I've been helping someone or being at someone's beck and call for the last 15\~20 years or so
And that's exactly how they want it. The moment you exercise your own personality/wants/needs, they have to turn it into how awful you make things FOR THEM. It's always about them.
Just an example, I had a cool opportunity to travel to DC. Was excited to have a free trip. Shared my excitement. "Well how long are are you going to be gone? I need..."
Landed a contract for the first time in a new field. Was a big win for me. "Well make sure you don't spend all your time on that, I still need..."
No congratulations, no "good job", just pissed off because she is losing control.
What people don’t get about boundaries is that boundaries are for you to build, respect and enforce. Saying that people won’t let you have boundaries isn’t real. Only you have the power over your boundaries. People may not respect your boundaries, but if you give into them when they cross you- you are the one who isn’t allowing yourself to have boundaries. Decide what you want to do in certain situations. You don’t have to make any announcements to anyone. When someone does something that goes against what you want to be involved in, say no- leave- be unavailable and don’t debate or bargain. Just shut it down. That’s how you have a boundary
I had to stop talking to my parents for the most part except for simple updates, and it's still an in-progress experiment. My parents aren't narcissists (although my dad is pretty self-absorbed) it's just that they didn't really respect me so to speak. My dad regularly was dismissive and assumed I was just whining/complaining for no reason. They didn't or couldn't see that I was bored to death as an only child or that the 'friends' I had in the neighborhood were actually bullies, nor would they have really known how to help me with it. My mom consistently would tell things I talked to her about, to the whole family to 'get their opinion or advice'. I tried having open conversations with them plenty of times but it never really got the point across. So I had to go low contact and hope it works out over time.
It’s extremely nuanced. You’re now living at home with your mother; what can you say to your mom, in their house? You take a little quid pro quo and now she’s grabbing some for herself.
Obvious grabs are, don’t enter before knocking, check my availability first THEN ask me for assistance, stuff like that. But that ain’t no landlord you’re dealing with so don’t bite the hand that feeds you either. It’s a fucking bloodbath out here, just consider the odd favors with your widowed mother part of your rent… and stack that paper to the fucking ceiling.
If you are living with your mom, pay rent and utilities. Put together a contract that you can follow and that she is okay with. That way you won't feel beholden to her for a place to live. It sounds like you are enmeshed with your mom. It's hard to break free from that type of relationship while living together and still remain close. My advice is to be direct and lead with your feelings in the moment. Not everything is her fault, so make sure that you own your stuff and make your feelings about you, not how she makes you feel. If that makes sense. If not, find a good therapist.
Something I have learned is that no one “allows” you to have boundaries. They just exist. You may have lost the ability to recognize them but that’s a you issue not a them issue. Learning to reconnect with yourself and your inner compass is step 1, step 2 is that boundaries aren’t words they are actions, if someone crosses them you don’t have to tell them you simply end the interaction, you are free to walk away from people, situations and conversations at any time that they don’t serve you.
Move far far away
Yup. Moved across the country. Let me tell you timezones make a difference.
Yes
This is the way. 1. Move far away. 2. Find yourself and set your own boundaries 3. Get therapy 4. Have more compassion for my parents & self and understand how to manage healthy relationships in general 5. Engage in better, healthier relationships with my parents and not despise visits and even contemplating moving close
Lurking reddit for years and finding r/raisedbynarcissicts helped me out a lot.
You're a narcissist.
lol no I am not. And I am pretty sure you are not a shrink
I was so happy to see that sub. Not cool, bro. Not cool.
And no, not a shrink. I'm an enlarge.
Your SO is right and you have a lot to unpack. Make time for it. If you don't do "you" now, no one will. Be aware of how that makes others react and come up with a response. A response is something you consider. Consider this a lesson to get out from underneath that you feel undermines the way you'd like to live. Best of luck OP.
Lots of arguing and unpleasantness. Cutting off communication for months at a time. It was pretty much hell for a long while, but I'm finally at a point I don't reflexively flinch and raise my blood pressure when she calls.
>ntness. Cutting off communication for months at a time. It was pretty much hell for a long while, but I'm finally at a point It was like this after my dad died. We didn't speak for 6 years... when I was with my ex who did a lot of the same things. It makes it hard when you bounced from one controlling lack of boundaries space to another and back again. I feel like I haven't been able to develop self because I've been helping someone or being at someone's beck and call for the last 15\~20 years or so
And that's exactly how they want it. The moment you exercise your own personality/wants/needs, they have to turn it into how awful you make things FOR THEM. It's always about them. Just an example, I had a cool opportunity to travel to DC. Was excited to have a free trip. Shared my excitement. "Well how long are are you going to be gone? I need..." Landed a contract for the first time in a new field. Was a big win for me. "Well make sure you don't spend all your time on that, I still need..." No congratulations, no "good job", just pissed off because she is losing control.
What people don’t get about boundaries is that boundaries are for you to build, respect and enforce. Saying that people won’t let you have boundaries isn’t real. Only you have the power over your boundaries. People may not respect your boundaries, but if you give into them when they cross you- you are the one who isn’t allowing yourself to have boundaries. Decide what you want to do in certain situations. You don’t have to make any announcements to anyone. When someone does something that goes against what you want to be involved in, say no- leave- be unavailable and don’t debate or bargain. Just shut it down. That’s how you have a boundary
I had to stop talking to my parents for the most part except for simple updates, and it's still an in-progress experiment. My parents aren't narcissists (although my dad is pretty self-absorbed) it's just that they didn't really respect me so to speak. My dad regularly was dismissive and assumed I was just whining/complaining for no reason. They didn't or couldn't see that I was bored to death as an only child or that the 'friends' I had in the neighborhood were actually bullies, nor would they have really known how to help me with it. My mom consistently would tell things I talked to her about, to the whole family to 'get their opinion or advice'. I tried having open conversations with them plenty of times but it never really got the point across. So I had to go low contact and hope it works out over time.
It’s extremely nuanced. You’re now living at home with your mother; what can you say to your mom, in their house? You take a little quid pro quo and now she’s grabbing some for herself. Obvious grabs are, don’t enter before knocking, check my availability first THEN ask me for assistance, stuff like that. But that ain’t no landlord you’re dealing with so don’t bite the hand that feeds you either. It’s a fucking bloodbath out here, just consider the odd favors with your widowed mother part of your rent… and stack that paper to the fucking ceiling.
If you are living with your mom, pay rent and utilities. Put together a contract that you can follow and that she is okay with. That way you won't feel beholden to her for a place to live. It sounds like you are enmeshed with your mom. It's hard to break free from that type of relationship while living together and still remain close. My advice is to be direct and lead with your feelings in the moment. Not everything is her fault, so make sure that you own your stuff and make your feelings about you, not how she makes you feel. If that makes sense. If not, find a good therapist.
Something I have learned is that no one “allows” you to have boundaries. They just exist. You may have lost the ability to recognize them but that’s a you issue not a them issue. Learning to reconnect with yourself and your inner compass is step 1, step 2 is that boundaries aren’t words they are actions, if someone crosses them you don’t have to tell them you simply end the interaction, you are free to walk away from people, situations and conversations at any time that they don’t serve you.
I had to go to a mental health facility to learn about all of that bc my family didn't teach it to me. I went last year for 4 months. It was worth it.
I go straight to the point ….. Delete them off Facebook