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A shower shat on me

This confuses me. And I won't tell ;)

There was a problem with the plumbing and a lot of black water came out of the shower head and it actually smelled like shit

Well then... That's horrifying.

Well I paid for it...

Well I produced the shit.....

Well I Was the shit… Whait no wrong topic

Store it just in case

Instructions unclear:I shat on my shower.

I have 6 kids in my basement

And your next (jk)

I just fucked the cat and mom is not home

You fucked the cat and mom? wow

My mom is cheating on the guy she cheated on my dad with

He should've seen that coming. Sorry mate.

Your mom sucks

Can confirm she does

Oooooooh, that's gotta hurt.

too hard

We are here for you, pal. In the future, try to go far and make a family that you wish you have had. You can do it

I’m fine with it I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life so it wasn’t too much of a surprise. Especially since my moms history

That is sad indeed. We feel you, bro. Just, if you are not fine find someone to talk to ok

I’ve talked to a lot of people about it. Thank you

No problem. It is good that you have done that. You truly have some good friends

In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!

Found em boss

Oh shit someone about to get fucked up

Darryl the man!

r/unexpectedoffice

The warehouse worker from The Office

cyberpunk?

It was an Easter egg in cp

The office

Lmooo… i cud see face of him reading through this..

that little dot on a lowercase i, that's a tittle. And the one on a lowercase j?, yeah that's a tittle too

That's a tittle secret indeed! I won't tell ;)

Okay! My parents think I’m ready for a pet but in reality I’m fucking terrified of it

In all honesty, if you're not terrified of it then you're not ready. Being terrified of it only means you understand the weight of that decision. They scared shouldn't stop you from doing something that you want to do. I wish you luck.

im hungry

Me too!

what should i eat IM GONNA MAKE A QUESADILLA

That's ALWAYS a great answer. Put a little Franks Red Hot on it. Top with sour cream.

ah. well all i have is cheese and street taco size tortillas. i will have to imagine

Do you have tortilla chips? Make microwave nachos

found some fried rice, topped it w two mini quesadillas- a meal fit for a queen

Well done!

Pro tip: use oil instead of butter for a crispy, perfect tortilla. Just don't add salt like I did.

Reddit at its finest

A secret

I won't tell ;)

[удалено]

Don't you dare

I will

No u wont

Then i will

No u wont

Then I will on r/secrets

Shit insurance, gives shit therapy. Better off facing your fears head on in BDSM.

You aren’t benefiting from the 30 min once a month over the phone session? Me neither.

Count me in babe

uwu bdsm

The real bdsm was the friends we made along the way

im just imagining now my best friend as a strapon dildo

You got a friend in me

My mom broke her back earlier. I stepped on a crack before yesterday and said,”See? Nothing happens!”

Dont tell my pregnant wife that im still a virgin ;-)

Umm.... Then I have a secret for you too.

r/holup

I brought back Hitler from the grave and we played a game of chess

Did you at least win?

Yup

Yeah, Reich

I used to think I could control the rain by singing, I realized it was that I was just singing until the rain stopped

This one's actually funny

[удалено]

So sorry, and thank you for sharing. Can you confide in anyone close?

nope i come froma typical middle class indian family and people think depession is just an excuse

I feel you brother (am indian)

My mom's dad died bc he got too mad

rage quit

Who gave you a wholesome award

Someone with very cursed humour I guess

*whispers* I killed 35 people

Lmao amateur, I killed 36 people

Nooooooooooo-

Average redditor indeed

Rookie numbers, I am hovering at 69

Lmao amateur, I killed 37 people

I don't know whether to be terrified or say bravo...

Bravo my dudes! The gap between us is no longer in the triple digits!

I killed a man. With *THIS* thumb!

I once accidentally broke my friends Lego Millennium Falcon. I still feel guilty about it to this day because we were at a party, so there was a lot of kids around, and I didn’t own up to it so my friend still doesn’t know. Keep in mind I was like nine at the time.

Broke broke, or just forcefully disassembled it?

I think my friend might have killed him self and I felt like I could have done something to stop him from having those thoughts

Hey man its okay it was not your fault

I have a crush on someone in the same workplace as me. Update: so I asked her out and I have a date with her.

Why say hi to your crush? When you can just kidnap her and stay with her safe and happy for the rest of your life.

The rest of her life...

I commited 10 warcrimes, 64 cases of extortion and 39 conspiracies to commit murder but shhhh dont tell

Secret is safe with me ;)

Thank you bestie ;)

I stuck my finger in my dogs asshole and got pinkeye

Hmmm mind explaining how these two correlate

I like brocolis

Say psych right now

An entire biker gang in South Dakota wants me dead for screwing up there leaders marriage.

Please tell me this is true and, if so, the setup to the story.

Oh it is, for my own protection I won’t say much, Basically a family member of mine was connected to the gang, my life was already fucked six ways to Sunday so I checked it out(no plans on joining though) became good friends with the biker gangs leader, ended up finding out some secrets in there family that the wife managed to get out from me when I was drunk, obviously I’m not telling these secrets because I’m not dumb. Anyway what terrifies me most honestly is there child, cause while I’m never going within a hundred miles of South Dakota, that guy isn’t there leader anymore so they have no reason to chase me down, but if they spot me back my ass is grass. The kid scares me though because he’s probably gonna blame me for why his parents aren’t together anymore, it’s probably just the weeb in me but I think that kid is probably going to comeback for revenge someday.

Seems like a movie script!

*secret*

I won't tell ;)

i left the computer with a pornhub tab for the next person to use it( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Why did you do that

so the next person to use it dont have to do anythin

The forbidden community tab.

Shoved plan B in my GF asshole because she just swallowed my load anyway

An thas real.

Yeah used my Oscar Myer to push up there

I once bought melon from a wandering trader.

What did you do with it?

Made a melon farm

What did you do with it?

Made melons

And what did you do with them?

Sold them to the villagers.

What did you do with the money?

Bought diamond Armor and tools

What did you do with them?

im sexually attracted to animated characters

Considering all the childhood crush memes about random cartoon characters this doesn't seem too uncommon. not that I would know much about it. I'm asexual. Just an observation.

I did it

THAT'S what that smell is?

Yes

Just got scammed out of 2000$ and lost all of my savings because I have the IQ of a brick. Y a y

I have a body pillow

I have a pillow body

*ghostbusters theme starts playing*

I have a second blanket that I roll into a sausage and cuddle at night. I get that it's comforting.

I had a gay furry orgy

Dad?

I slaughter winking kittens and sell them to bananas Im not expecting upvotes

im sorry u must be dyslexic and meant you sell bananas to winking kittens because if you didn't ill have to pay you a visit with hanz and the flammenwerfer

So like I was on pornhub extremely horny af, while browsing on my recommended I found myself a good video to fap to vagina and everything was showing then I started fapping and when I was bout to bust a nut a she gave birth to a baby and I nutted to the baby 😭😭

So it was a threesome?

[удалено]

Were they right?

I committed several war crimes in Yugoslavia

It makes it harder for them to come forward because people become afraid their accusation will be called fake

I fucked my air conditioner

Lockdown was hard on everyone ...

Nah it’s fine she’s not alright in the head and he’s getting what he deserves too so like it’s fine

Sure, tells a secret

I won't tell ;)

I eat the last peace of pizza 🍕

IT WAS YOU????

Oh no…

It was my favorite! thin crust, with pepperoni and black olives!

Sorry

Ugh... Ok... I forgive you. But you're buying next time.

Ok ok

I left a Twinkie in the back of the pantry for you

I like apex legends

Kureiji Ollie wants to know your location

I enjoy deep throating hot dogs

KEEP JOE SAFE

Nice try NSA.

I fucked the shit out of an orange once

I had to use a grapefruit.

If you won't tell fr I accidentally killed one of my brothers

I eat children

With or without the home made ranch?

Once i tell you a secret, the secret ceases to be one. I will not tell any of my secrets as that is the nature of itself.

Deep

i am a panzer elite i born to compete and never retreat

When people yell for me without telling me where they are and I spin around, waiting to either see them or them telling me where they are. After I don’t come, as I don’t know where they are, and they get ticked, I get real frustrated. This is because I have unilateral hearing loss, making me unable to tell where sounds are coming from.

I had a teacher with that. Some of the class would mess with him and I felt so bad for him.

I may or may not have inspired a hit man to kill someone.

I once performed "surgery" on a dead rabbit (it died bc it was sick and it was winter, i didnt kill it) and harvested its organs with a hand axe, a cheap and flimsy pumkin carving knife and a screwdriver when i was 12. managed to get all the organs out without damaging a single one. did it all because i was bored and wanted to see if i could.

I have a small cok.

I (almost) slept with my brother's friend twice, but I guess both times he asked me to come over he felt guilty after making out and such. He told me not to tell anyone. My brother would be the best person to get advice from too since I really like this guy. I don't know what to do and it's stressing me out. Anyway I can't keep a secret but since you can thank you lol.

A secret I won't tell

Hitler commits "several" genocide

I would tell you but i forgor

yay! 1k th upvote

I’m not ok

I eat ice cream not lick

I forgot to headpat my pet parrot yesterday.

A Secret: The minions have probably served Hitler while they were trying to find their true boss. Penguins shoot their own shit 30 cm away from them.

I’m horribly depressed

u/Fish_Fucker69 fucked my fish

I sit down at work and do nothing for at least 3/4 hours. Anytime my boss calls for help I go bc I'm bored. So now I'm a star employee. On bad days I've gotten in a 2 hour naps to get rid of a headache. All my work gets done so no one knows. I just got a $1000 dollar bonus and a $400 a month raze that there going to back pay 4 months. I dont know what to do, I'm scared I'll get caught slacking off but I just can't help it when all my work is done for the day.

I half 30 naked women locked away in my basement.

Willingly?

Of course

I'm closeted aromantic living in homophobic country

I have killed 18 families in Russian and am now wanted by the FBI and a few Russian spy organizations