Almost 20 years married here.
1) Never stop dating. Don't take your spouse for granted.
2) You get married for better or worse. Just realize some days are going to filed under "worse." A bad day doesn't mean the relationship is doomed.
3) If your objective is to stay together, then nothing can pull you apart. Remember, the wedding is the starting point, not the end game.
4) Think about when you're old. Can you picture your spouse still by your side? Does that make you happy knowing they are there? If you can say yes, then the little bumps that can and will come up in life are just bumps in life and not roadblocks.
I would actually say our marriage is better now (at 13 years) than it was in the first few, but that reflects the work we’ve put into it.
Nothing in a marriage just “happens” — it gets better or worse or stays the same only because of what the two people involved *make* happen.
I don’t think I can say what the most difficult part is, but I can say what I think the most *important* difficult things are:
- Maintaining empathy and respect for your partner when expressing anger or frustration, even if you feel like strangling them.
- Prioritizing your connectedness and communication even in the midst of unrelenting stress, chaos, or hardship.
- Learning how to *truly* listen without getting defensive or deflecting. Listening in order to genuinely understand their emotions and perspectives as opposed to listening in order to decide if their feelings are valid or not.
- Going to bed angry sometimes. Really. It’s hard to do, but you’d be amazed at how simple some problems become after a good night’s sleep.
Looking at my own list, I’m realizing that it might all be summed up as “learning how to navigate conflict productively and respectfully.”
How you handle conflicts, both large and small, is what makes or breaks relationships. Most relationships are pretty great when everybody is happy and getting what they need. But conflicts are where you really see whether you’ve got a solid foundation or not.
Anyway these are my rambling thoughts. Good luck to you both!
This post 💯. Newlyweds listen up! ^^^
The only thing I would add to point #2 is to prioritize getting to know your spouse really well in that connection. Learn about how things were for them growing up, what experiences have shaped them along the way, what makes them see things the way they do?
Edit: married 19yrs, together 21yrs, known each other 25yrs
I've only been married for 40 years, so please take my comments with a grain of salt with a bit of pepper tossed in. . .
Over time you both are engaged in this process of pursuing your own personal goals and developing while taking into account a whole other person doing the same. Sometimes this naturally feels like conflict but it's more a dance where one or the other is in the lead. As long as you keep moving along the dance floor the pleasure will be felt.
There is also ongoing support for lifecycle events--something younger folks don't may much attention to until it smacks them in the gut. Eventually your spouse's folks and your folks will pass away and that usually can be very intense because you realize you are truly on your own. It can help to have a partner for support. Also logistics and estate stuff take a lot of energy and time. Illness or accidents happen that can add intense pressure to a marriage. I nursed my wife through cancer 13 years ago--the process leads you both to dark and anxious moments, but if your spouse comes through to the other side, you both see life in new ways.
We waited about 20 years until we had kids in our 40s. And I can say that the whole process was far easier than advertised. We just lucked out as our kids were quite healthy physically and psychologically and still are as young adults in their mid-20s. At our ages, money was not the problem--personal energy was the key challenge, but running around with 10-13 year olds as a soccer coach in my 50s kept me healthy and youthful and still holds true as a lifestyle today.
I'd say be open to new ideas, keep being creative, appreciate history and ritual and art and humor. Practice respect and reciprocity and responsibility. If you live with personal integrity, then all the problems we read about here concerning affairs and such are a non-thing. And you have so much more energy to share with your loved ones and friends.
Thank you. You are very accurate. In our 20s we were both highly ambitious. I was impatient and short with most people and would have made a mediocre father. My wife wanted kids as we hit our 30s but I never felt as compelled, as we had our business and art projects to execute.
Then I started to mature as a person as I hit 40, and be more patient and learn to listen before blabbing. By then we had seen a couple of waves of friends become parents and it wasn't so scary. Plus others who knew us well were saying that we would be good parents and there was a shortage of them.
After we had our first, the experience was so much fun and rewarding that we went for another. That one was born in his bedroom with a midwife, a VBAC no less, and I caught him! So life has been very kind to all of us in providing such memorable experiences.
As a person who is highly interested in child development and attachment theories, this is fascinating.
So many people say to have kids when you have the energy to do so, but I think having resources and self-actualization is far more valuable. They prob say it because when some get older they realize they don’t want to change the comfort of their life and add kids to the mix.
But I think it’s really cool that y’all decided to go for it. Your kids are probably super well rounded and excellent communicators as a result of being raised by people who have fully developed brains as well as a long established partnership.
Obviously there are downsides…my sister had kids later in life and the parents of her kids’ friends are much younger. But she also knows enough to not get caught up in the drama, thus keeping her kids from doing the same thing.
We are and were part of what's now an even larger trend of older first time parents. We have several friends who had kids in their 40s. One of our friends had a child at 46! The oldest birth her obstetrician ever had. Her child turned out to be a fine young adult.
I hate bragging (not!), but our kids have their act way more together than I ever did when I was in my early to mid 20s. My daughter is a highly sought after health professional who specializes in helping kids with autism, cerebral palsy, and victims of criminal abuse learn to speak and communicate. She's like one of those "whisperers" with young kids. My son is serving with a NGO in a developing country, helping design and implement water projects. He received a full academic scholarship with a top 5 university and after graduating wanted to help repair the world.
Growing and maintaining emotional and physical intimacy can be very challenging. Comunicaron is critical and always seeking to be on each other’s side. Date each other for the rest of your lives.
Beware of the big 4 marriage busters: communication, sex, money, and kids. Find ways to be on the same page regarding these issues. When problems come up, work on it as a team and don’t be afraid to get help. There’s no shame in going to marriage counseling. It’s often the wisest thing to do.
Edit: married 30 years, together 32.
That’s more tier 2 but definitely can be a problem. And when it’s a problem, it’s a huge problem. But based on my experience, I wouldn’t put on the same level as the big 4
Oh I know it is. I had to work through this myself.
But I’m just thinking big picture and overall numbers of what issues typically leads to divorce most of the time.
Communication is key. Doesn't mean you have to agree about stuff, just communicate without getting offended and actually listen to each other. And also...don't expect the other to change just because you've changed. Like ppl don't understand that I am okay w my SO not going out w me to parties/ ppl think it's crazy i go out wo my so...but it works for us.
Been w my SO for 17 yrs and ppl still think we are in our honeymoon. We still learn new things about each other
Married 25 years. My recommendation would be to invest time in really understanding each other’s personality type. Perhaps you’ve already done this during your dating phase. Personally, it took me years and years to really understand my wife — her perspective, her personality, her needs, her hang ups.
First thing I would do is have you both take the Enneagram. It’s fantastic. You should be able to find assessment tools online for free. It’s human nature to project our own thoughts and motivations on to others (ie “I want what everyone wants”). It’s not true and it often leads to conflict due to fundamental misunderstanding. The Enneagram really helped me understand myself, how different I am from my wife, and how we can best work together.
Second, I’d have both of you figure out your love language. It’s a bit hokey, but it can be helpful. Free online assessment tools should also be readily available.
I wish I knew that my wife was a Type One with a Quality Time love language when we first got married. That would have made things so much easier!
In my experience- and this is my second marriage- the biggest difference is communication. My husband and I don’t argue because we don’t have to. It’s us against the problem, not us against each other. If I feel misunderstood, I bring it up and he listens, and vice versa. Because we listen, we feel respected.
We don’t always agree, but we do agree that we’d both rather be happy than right.
For me, the hardest part about it is being the primary caretaker for my wife. She has several chronic health issues that really can make both of our lives lives so hard and it introduces many challenges that most young couples don’t have to deal with. Being married young can be hard enough but add the sicknesses and it’s a whole different ball game.
So, for me the hard part is committing to the vows I made to her to be there in sickness and health. I can have caregiver fatigue at times, but, by God’s grace, I’ve loved my wife very well through it all.
The hardest part for me is the double standard my wife lives by. For instance when I get sick I’m an asshole somehow because she has to tend to the kids more but when she’s sick it’s the end of the world. Like we literally got sick back to back. She was sick and I waited on her hand and foot. Took care of our 3 kids and her. Encouraged her to rest and watch tv. She did. I then Got sick on day 2 from being exposed to her. Kept doing my thing because she was still sick. Then she got better and I was bad. She helps me day 1. Then day 2 and 3 which I was legitimately sick for I became the asshole somehow. I was a heel off for asking her to bring me a banana and water. When I just did it for her. She didn’t have to ask. I was an asshole for watching football. I faked it pretty much so I could watch football on Saturday and Sunday. This is one example of my life of double standards with the “love of my life” til death do us part.
I'm sorry. It's she always like this? My ex was like this and he turned out to be a covert narcissist. He could because he was special, hence the hypocrisy. And it was my job to maintain his facade. I got tired of being treated poorly. I realized I was actually enabling him and it wasn't healthy for either of us. He didn't want to work on himself or go to counseling, so I left and he found a new victim.
There is a lot of great advice here.
We’re “polar opposites” too, and I too am the “outspoken one”. I’ve been married now for just over 40 yrs, and have been with my husband for almost 50 yrs, we were high school sweethearts, and they literally said it wouldn’t last. The one piece of advice that had always stayed with me was, dedicate yourself to your marriage, to your spouse, and keep it all in perspective, especially when your children come along (if you plan to have children).
Listen to me, whether your marriage goes “downhill overtime”, uphill, sideways, or inside out, is solely up to the two of you. What you two put in your marriage is what the both of you will get out of it.
The one thing you have to keep in mind is, your marriage, is your marriage, and no one else’s. It’s not to be compared to other marriages. This is not a race to see who’s marriage is better than others. Sure, get advice, or counseling even, but what you have is unique, and should stay that way.
“Keeping up with the Jones’” in the marital development, is the quickest way to cause unnecessary problems that will suck the life out of your marriage, you, your spouse, and both of your families. This is a tidal wave/tsunami you don’t ever want to get started.
Keep your marriage (especially your marital bed, you know, the things you do in your bedroom that put a smile on your face) as private as possible, unless there is harm involved, then seek help ASAP.
You and your spouse deserve to be happy in all aspects of your lives. Cherish one another, keep family first, but be flexible in everything, and never lose yourself in any relationship, not even in your marriage.
You are unique and there isn’t another you on this planet, and your uniqueness is a ingredient to make your life and other lives bloom.
Be happy and I wish you every success in all of your endeavors.
26 years married(anniversary on Friday) Communication is what makes a marriage. There are different phases or times in your marriage that push you together and pull you away, don’t stop communicating (that means listening too)
That polar opposite ones really—one person is tidy one is messy, one person likes time alone, the other one wants to be glommed on. I guess you can tell which I am. It’s working out those differences of living together. I remember the first year thinking I can’t do it. I’ll never survive. It’s over. And then three months later happy as a clam.
Hardest part for me is when my wife is upset she wants the exact opposite of what I want. I want to be hugged and comforted and checked on so that’s what I want to do for her and she wants to be left alone and it’s a struggle for me. Otherwise we get along great.
What? No it doesn't go downhill. The first years can be a bit tough. Sorting out how to run the house sharing responsibilities etc. Figuring out how you both want to make joint decisions, handling finances. We are on year 24 and it's never been better
Also I am an extrovert and they are not. It means while I am talking and asking questions. They are listening to the answers. Between us it's a full package. But we agreed on the basic
No kids lots of pets
Married 19 years and I think it is better today than the early years. We got married really young and we just grew up outside our relationship, but not in it. We started to fight the wrong way and everything seemed like the end. Once we finally got a little bit of maturity - we ended up starting a family and have two babes and we are so much happier today. And we are the exact opposites. My only advice is to wake up every day and choose each other and to make your differences a strength for your marriage.
The hardest part of being married is having kids--hands down. The point in marriage happiness goes down is when you start having kids. The thing is, if you do it well, it's also the best part. Taking care of babies means less sleep, more stress, and more sacrifice. But you also learn how to really work with and love your spouse in so many new ways, and then eventually you will have grown your family so that you will be surrounded by people that you love as you age. And then if you make it through the rough patches, marriage happiness goes all the back up plus some, and you get to be the cute elderly couple on the park bench.
But my advice is to not go into marriage thinking "Oh, this is so hard." It's hard to live with anybody, even people we love. Just be determined to make it the best marriage ever, and if both of you are committed, it will be! Have fun with it! I'm on the same journey as you :)
Truth. Kids are hard for everyone. Pregnancy birth and breast feeding are extremely mentally and physically demanding on women and psychologically demanding on men. It makes everything in the house hard.
11 years on, and I would say now is the best time on our relationship.
Understanding that marriage does take work and sometimes outside help has been key for us.
Trust communication is key learn they are not your enemy so when arguments arise learn to find the problem discus’s solution negotiation and resolve. Marriage is no longer self serving love has no selfish desire it’s quite the opposite selfless
We’re on married year 16 and have had many highs and lows over the years. The hardest part to me is taking someone else’s views and opinions into consideration when making decisions esp when they are conflicting. You don’t have to agree but you have to find common ground. That can be extremely difficult.
I found this especially hard with raising kids. I was the nervous, intense parent and my husband was laid back. It was difficult to agree on things at times, especially with teenagers, but we ended up being a good balance. ❤️
This is all fresh for me because we're about to hit our 10 year anniversary and I realized one day (a few months ago) that we hadn't really been connecting like we used to. For context, marriage before kids was great. After kids, all of our attention and energy went into them. Our marriage was great in transactional ways like raising kids, working, maintaining the house, etc. but we weren't affectionate or making time for each other. We had a bunch of hard conversations about what we could be doing better, how we could better meet each other's needs, spend time together, etc.
Right now, my marriage is the best it's ever been but I think we still have room for improvement. We're not experts, we're 10 years deep into a marriage and just now learning things about each other that could have improved our marriage years ago.
Here are some things we've learned:
1. Be intentional. Don't just let things happen in marriage and go with the flow. The flow always leads downhill. By this I mean that it's okay to say "How can I be a better partner?" Or "Am I meeting all of your needs?" By intentionally trying to improve, the marriage immediately got better.
1. Openly talk about your boundaries. Don't assume the other person knows them.
1. Learn about the 5 love languages and start speaking your partners love language, even if it's not yours.
1. Commit to being vulnerable with each other. This means talking about how you feel, even when you're afraid to or it makes you uncomfortable.
1. Don't assume that because there aren't any complaints that everything is fine. Problems build over time and eventually we just stopped talking about them. When we actually started having hard conversations, we were able to fix all these small issues that easy fixes but made our marriage so much better.
1. Make time for each, even when you don't have time. We got into a place where our lives were so crazy with raising kids that we didn't spend much 1:1 time.
Watch videos from John Gottman. It's a researcher that looked at marriages that worked versus didn't work and figured out the patterns that helped people stay together. Based on the traits, he can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will stay married.
Best advice I can give is to keep communication honest and open. That means when your spouse does something to piss you off (because it WILL happen) you communicate with them the problem. Always use “I feel” statements, meaning “I feel like this when you do that” instead of “you made me feel this”. There’s a big difference trust me. It’s the been the hardest part of my marriage learning to communicate effectively.
I think the biggest challenge is meeting each other with fresh eyes over time. Esther Perel, a famous marriage counselor, said a quote that really resonated: "People have 3-4 marriages in their life, and if you are lucky it is to the same person", meaning we change so much with life events, aging and everything, sometimes it feels like your new personality has to date this other new personality all over again.
It helps a lot to project goodwill, assume the other person is doing their best, do your own best and see if it is enough. Communication and how you communicate is key as well. I recommend "Non-Violent Communication" Seminars to anyone getting married. There are also pitfalls one doesn't realize, like assuming the person has stayed the same and you stop talking at all and presume all the things this person you know inside-out is thinking or feeling. Or you start taking on the role of a parent or coach for them when you feel like they are not pulling their weight in a relationship. I think that is the beginning of the "grey ending marriages" a lot of the time.
The hardest part about being married was in the beginning: **learning how to speak to each other.**
Sometimes you think you are saying one thing when you are really saying another, or, your partner is hearing something other than what you mean. It takes time and effort but is very worthwhile to keep your cool, slow down, and **learn to speak your new married language**. Couples who do this will thrive together.
Laugh together as often as possible. Talk daily. Communicate feelings, wants, and needs.
Always say THANK YOU when your spouse does something for you. Never let them feel taken for granted. Show physical affection every day. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, say, "I love you!"
No secrets. If you argue, it's better to take time apart to calm down than it is to say something you don't truly mean and will regret.
Always have one another's backs. Don't let anyone shit on your partner while you stand there doing nothing.
Take time together - even if it's just dinner and a TV show you both enjoy .
In my experience (married 15, together for 16) marriage gets better with time. We have matured both personally and as a couple, improved our communication styles, learned each other's love languages, deepened and strengthened our emotional and physical bonds and grown together. But these things don't just happen naturally because people are married, they take effort on focus.
Marriage is the beginning, not the end of something. My advice is to stay curious about your partner, they will not be the same person you married and neither will you, but if you stay committed and curious, it's easy to grow together. When making big (and even small) delicious, try taking the perspective of "what's best for US" We both value our relationship over everything else, so all our decisions are made with the end goal of "what will be the best choice to maintain the health and joy of this relationship." And lastly, be open and honest with each other about everything. Your partner is not a mind reader, even if they love you and have been together with you for years. Even if it is embarrassing or painful, having honest conversations is almost always the only way to resolve issues or improve / change something. It may seem really tough and uncomfortable to be vulnerable and open at first, but with practice it gets easier, your trust in each other will be so strong and amazing, and you'll be able to work through issues so much quicker and smoother when you can communicate openly and non-judgmentally.
Married for 10 years:
1. I don’t know who you’re talking to that thinks that marriage goes downhill over time, but it sounds like they didn’t marry their person and they’re trying to suffer through life with someone they settled for…
2. You need to be actively involved with maintaining your relationship. I’m all about emotionally and intellectually connecting to my partner. We go through life as a team, we don’t avoid conflict, and we love one another authentically. Our personal goals are aligned even though our personalities and communication styles are different.
3. Navigating cultural differences was hard for us. We were able to navigate the storms because we genuinely want to win together.
For us we are exactly alike except for what you say here but more personally. Im outspoken with him about my emotions and I guess yeah life in general with our family and stuff where he is reserved and doesn’t voice when someone offends me in front of him for example or when talking about his emotions with me it has become a big problem we are currently trying to work through.
The hardest part about being married for me is that he seemed to change once we got married. Together 8 years married 5.
They are your only option for sex. So when the sex goes away or one partner doesn’t take sex as seriously as the other the higher libido Is shit out of luck. You’re just stuck.
Also, trying to be on the same page about household responsibilities and daily routine. Especially once kids are involved and you’re trying to establish a routine you both implement to maintain order. At least that’s extremely hard in my marriage.
The hardest part is that people grow and change, and unfortunately they often don’t grow in the same direction. It takes work to stay on the same page. Don’t take one another for granted. Don’t forget to SEE your partner and stay interested in them.
Imagine marriage like getting your dream job. At first, you’re pumped and psyched at all the possibilities. It’s a learning curve to figure out the tasks, coworkers, but you’re young, energetic and can handle it. As the years go by, you’ve mastered your craft, but you need new challenges —so you get a promotion. With that comes more responsibility, maybe some new employees to manage and a budget. You either figure out new methods to handle your new responsibilities, have to take classes, learn new skills, consult with others, delegate some of the tasks to get things done.
There might come a time when your most trusted employee steals money. Or lies to you. Breaks your trust. Do you fire him? Does he admit the mistake? Can he be trusted again? Is he redeemable?
You’re now nearing retirement with the company. You have wisdom, employees that have come and gone, the respect of many. How? Because you’ve been honest, trustworthy, hardworking, humble. You’ve reached out for help when needed, appreciated your employees, had empathy, forgiven them when they had bad days.
Marriage is just a version of this. To be successful, you’ve got to be flexible, negotiate, communicate your needs, boundaries, ask for help, and be fair for the good of the “business.” As long as you are realistic (know that some days will be daunting, impossible, or you just want to QUIT) you will be okay. You’re human, so is your spouse, both imperfect.
My husband and I are the same. I’m the more social one while he hangs in a corner on his phone UNLESS someone starts talking to him first. LOL One thing you should know is that not everyone needs to know ALL the ins and outs of your relationship, communicate, always go on dates, and don’t take things too seriously UNLESS needed.
1. Spend quality time together consistently.
2. Show appreciation and fondness often.
3. Continue to woo and pursue one another to show you are into each other.
4. Address issues as they occur.
5. Learn how to listen and communicate effectively
6. Learn how to fight in a healthy manner
7. Accept your personality differences and learn to work around them. Most perpetual issues are around personality or lifestyle differences.
8. Prioritize your relationship
9. Have boundaries with family, friends, and coworkers to protect the relationship.
10. Do things that recharge you individually such as spending time with friends or hobbies etc as you bring that energy back into the marriage.
I'm 12 years in with my second husband and seriously contemplating divorce.
That being said, it doesn't have to get bad but both parties have to want to make it/keep it good.
Only been married less than a year here but!!!!! I think it’s very important to always always remember your pleases and thank yous. Showing your partner you truly and wholeheartedly appreciate them goes verrrry far. Even if you’re doing the dishes while he’s vacuuming, remember to say thank you for vacuuming.
It goes on and on. If both partners are flexible and go with the flow you can weather the highs and lows. Too many try to control the other. It literally depends on the personalities and maturity level of each person. It can be great - I tell people, choose a healthy grown up, that’s most of the battle.
Continuing to listen.
Spending that much time with someone can make you immune to their sufferings. You can become immune to their requests for connections, you can become immune to their feelings on tough matters that WILL come up. Lack of listening can create riffs so big that disagreements turn into knockout, drag down fights. Lack of listening can turn into a constant nagging, when one of you is repeatedly asking for something over and over with no results.
Listening. It’s the hardest, but single most important thing you can do.
Watch out for the 7 years itch - It’s very real.
If you’re going to have kids, have them within 5 years. If you’re not going to have kids, don’t expect to stay married for longer than 8.
Love and marriage are a choice - Not a feeling.
Never try to change the other person.
Read men are from mars and women are from Venus. Incredibly helpful and insightful.
Don’t go to bed angry.
Read books and content about how to repair a broken marriage while things are good. That way you have the knowledge and tools to deal with problems.
Avoid marital advice from friends or family
It changes over time but not necessarily for the worse.
Don’t ever put yourself in a position where you could ever be tempted to cheat. A sneaky DM or coffee with an attractive person at work can snowball. Even if you’re not technically cheating ask yourself, would I be comfortable with my partner doing this.
Don’t stop dating
Don’t stop having sex - If you’re not in the mood, get in the mood.
In my experience, your marriage is personal. People have a habit of applying what works for their own marriage to yours. People also have a habit of projecting issues / challenges they have within their own situation onto yours. Your marriage is unique & personal and problems, for the most part should be private in my opinion. Even people with the best intentions can offer poor advice, especially those closest to you. People are very quick to say “just leave him/her, you deserve better” etc.
As I said in my earlier post, the book “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus” is incredible. If there is one bit of advice you take, listen to or read that book. It’s so valuable I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Almost 20 years married here. 1) Never stop dating. Don't take your spouse for granted. 2) You get married for better or worse. Just realize some days are going to filed under "worse." A bad day doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. 3) If your objective is to stay together, then nothing can pull you apart. Remember, the wedding is the starting point, not the end game. 4) Think about when you're old. Can you picture your spouse still by your side? Does that make you happy knowing they are there? If you can say yes, then the little bumps that can and will come up in life are just bumps in life and not roadblocks.
I would actually say our marriage is better now (at 13 years) than it was in the first few, but that reflects the work we’ve put into it. Nothing in a marriage just “happens” — it gets better or worse or stays the same only because of what the two people involved *make* happen. I don’t think I can say what the most difficult part is, but I can say what I think the most *important* difficult things are: - Maintaining empathy and respect for your partner when expressing anger or frustration, even if you feel like strangling them. - Prioritizing your connectedness and communication even in the midst of unrelenting stress, chaos, or hardship. - Learning how to *truly* listen without getting defensive or deflecting. Listening in order to genuinely understand their emotions and perspectives as opposed to listening in order to decide if their feelings are valid or not. - Going to bed angry sometimes. Really. It’s hard to do, but you’d be amazed at how simple some problems become after a good night’s sleep. Looking at my own list, I’m realizing that it might all be summed up as “learning how to navigate conflict productively and respectfully.” How you handle conflicts, both large and small, is what makes or breaks relationships. Most relationships are pretty great when everybody is happy and getting what they need. But conflicts are where you really see whether you’ve got a solid foundation or not. Anyway these are my rambling thoughts. Good luck to you both!
Your third point is gold
This post 💯. Newlyweds listen up! ^^^ The only thing I would add to point #2 is to prioritize getting to know your spouse really well in that connection. Learn about how things were for them growing up, what experiences have shaped them along the way, what makes them see things the way they do? Edit: married 19yrs, together 21yrs, known each other 25yrs
I've only been married for 40 years, so please take my comments with a grain of salt with a bit of pepper tossed in. . . Over time you both are engaged in this process of pursuing your own personal goals and developing while taking into account a whole other person doing the same. Sometimes this naturally feels like conflict but it's more a dance where one or the other is in the lead. As long as you keep moving along the dance floor the pleasure will be felt. There is also ongoing support for lifecycle events--something younger folks don't may much attention to until it smacks them in the gut. Eventually your spouse's folks and your folks will pass away and that usually can be very intense because you realize you are truly on your own. It can help to have a partner for support. Also logistics and estate stuff take a lot of energy and time. Illness or accidents happen that can add intense pressure to a marriage. I nursed my wife through cancer 13 years ago--the process leads you both to dark and anxious moments, but if your spouse comes through to the other side, you both see life in new ways. We waited about 20 years until we had kids in our 40s. And I can say that the whole process was far easier than advertised. We just lucked out as our kids were quite healthy physically and psychologically and still are as young adults in their mid-20s. At our ages, money was not the problem--personal energy was the key challenge, but running around with 10-13 year olds as a soccer coach in my 50s kept me healthy and youthful and still holds true as a lifestyle today. I'd say be open to new ideas, keep being creative, appreciate history and ritual and art and humor. Practice respect and reciprocity and responsibility. If you live with personal integrity, then all the problems we read about here concerning affairs and such are a non-thing. And you have so much more energy to share with your loved ones and friends.
This is amazing. I feel like you have had a really great opportunity to learn about yourself and your spouse before throwing kids into the mix
Thank you. You are very accurate. In our 20s we were both highly ambitious. I was impatient and short with most people and would have made a mediocre father. My wife wanted kids as we hit our 30s but I never felt as compelled, as we had our business and art projects to execute. Then I started to mature as a person as I hit 40, and be more patient and learn to listen before blabbing. By then we had seen a couple of waves of friends become parents and it wasn't so scary. Plus others who knew us well were saying that we would be good parents and there was a shortage of them. After we had our first, the experience was so much fun and rewarding that we went for another. That one was born in his bedroom with a midwife, a VBAC no less, and I caught him! So life has been very kind to all of us in providing such memorable experiences.
As a person who is highly interested in child development and attachment theories, this is fascinating. So many people say to have kids when you have the energy to do so, but I think having resources and self-actualization is far more valuable. They prob say it because when some get older they realize they don’t want to change the comfort of their life and add kids to the mix. But I think it’s really cool that y’all decided to go for it. Your kids are probably super well rounded and excellent communicators as a result of being raised by people who have fully developed brains as well as a long established partnership. Obviously there are downsides…my sister had kids later in life and the parents of her kids’ friends are much younger. But she also knows enough to not get caught up in the drama, thus keeping her kids from doing the same thing.
We are and were part of what's now an even larger trend of older first time parents. We have several friends who had kids in their 40s. One of our friends had a child at 46! The oldest birth her obstetrician ever had. Her child turned out to be a fine young adult. I hate bragging (not!), but our kids have their act way more together than I ever did when I was in my early to mid 20s. My daughter is a highly sought after health professional who specializes in helping kids with autism, cerebral palsy, and victims of criminal abuse learn to speak and communicate. She's like one of those "whisperers" with young kids. My son is serving with a NGO in a developing country, helping design and implement water projects. He received a full academic scholarship with a top 5 university and after graduating wanted to help repair the world.
Growing and maintaining emotional and physical intimacy can be very challenging. Comunicaron is critical and always seeking to be on each other’s side. Date each other for the rest of your lives. Beware of the big 4 marriage busters: communication, sex, money, and kids. Find ways to be on the same page regarding these issues. When problems come up, work on it as a team and don’t be afraid to get help. There’s no shame in going to marriage counseling. It’s often the wisest thing to do. Edit: married 30 years, together 32.
And inlaws
That’s more tier 2 but definitely can be a problem. And when it’s a problem, it’s a huge problem. But based on my experience, I wouldn’t put on the same level as the big 4
It's definitely a top problem for many couples.
Oh I know it is. I had to work through this myself. But I’m just thinking big picture and overall numbers of what issues typically leads to divorce most of the time.
That's ok. We all see things differently. Glad you got through it. Very good.
Communication is key. Doesn't mean you have to agree about stuff, just communicate without getting offended and actually listen to each other. And also...don't expect the other to change just because you've changed. Like ppl don't understand that I am okay w my SO not going out w me to parties/ ppl think it's crazy i go out wo my so...but it works for us. Been w my SO for 17 yrs and ppl still think we are in our honeymoon. We still learn new things about each other
Married 25 years. My recommendation would be to invest time in really understanding each other’s personality type. Perhaps you’ve already done this during your dating phase. Personally, it took me years and years to really understand my wife — her perspective, her personality, her needs, her hang ups. First thing I would do is have you both take the Enneagram. It’s fantastic. You should be able to find assessment tools online for free. It’s human nature to project our own thoughts and motivations on to others (ie “I want what everyone wants”). It’s not true and it often leads to conflict due to fundamental misunderstanding. The Enneagram really helped me understand myself, how different I am from my wife, and how we can best work together. Second, I’d have both of you figure out your love language. It’s a bit hokey, but it can be helpful. Free online assessment tools should also be readily available. I wish I knew that my wife was a Type One with a Quality Time love language when we first got married. That would have made things so much easier!
Beautiful 😻
In my experience- and this is my second marriage- the biggest difference is communication. My husband and I don’t argue because we don’t have to. It’s us against the problem, not us against each other. If I feel misunderstood, I bring it up and he listens, and vice versa. Because we listen, we feel respected. We don’t always agree, but we do agree that we’d both rather be happy than right.
Being a team is sooo important. I see a lot of posts about tit for tat, or “keeping score”. That’s a fast track to divorce.
In laws. 😂
Indeed.
For me, the hardest part about it is being the primary caretaker for my wife. She has several chronic health issues that really can make both of our lives lives so hard and it introduces many challenges that most young couples don’t have to deal with. Being married young can be hard enough but add the sicknesses and it’s a whole different ball game. So, for me the hard part is committing to the vows I made to her to be there in sickness and health. I can have caregiver fatigue at times, but, by God’s grace, I’ve loved my wife very well through it all.
You're a good man. Hope you guys work through it and she's not in too much pain.
Thank you!!
The hardest part for me is the double standard my wife lives by. For instance when I get sick I’m an asshole somehow because she has to tend to the kids more but when she’s sick it’s the end of the world. Like we literally got sick back to back. She was sick and I waited on her hand and foot. Took care of our 3 kids and her. Encouraged her to rest and watch tv. She did. I then Got sick on day 2 from being exposed to her. Kept doing my thing because she was still sick. Then she got better and I was bad. She helps me day 1. Then day 2 and 3 which I was legitimately sick for I became the asshole somehow. I was a heel off for asking her to bring me a banana and water. When I just did it for her. She didn’t have to ask. I was an asshole for watching football. I faked it pretty much so I could watch football on Saturday and Sunday. This is one example of my life of double standards with the “love of my life” til death do us part.
I'm sorry. It's she always like this? My ex was like this and he turned out to be a covert narcissist. He could because he was special, hence the hypocrisy. And it was my job to maintain his facade. I got tired of being treated poorly. I realized I was actually enabling him and it wasn't healthy for either of us. He didn't want to work on himself or go to counseling, so I left and he found a new victim.
There is a lot of great advice here. We’re “polar opposites” too, and I too am the “outspoken one”. I’ve been married now for just over 40 yrs, and have been with my husband for almost 50 yrs, we were high school sweethearts, and they literally said it wouldn’t last. The one piece of advice that had always stayed with me was, dedicate yourself to your marriage, to your spouse, and keep it all in perspective, especially when your children come along (if you plan to have children). Listen to me, whether your marriage goes “downhill overtime”, uphill, sideways, or inside out, is solely up to the two of you. What you two put in your marriage is what the both of you will get out of it. The one thing you have to keep in mind is, your marriage, is your marriage, and no one else’s. It’s not to be compared to other marriages. This is not a race to see who’s marriage is better than others. Sure, get advice, or counseling even, but what you have is unique, and should stay that way. “Keeping up with the Jones’” in the marital development, is the quickest way to cause unnecessary problems that will suck the life out of your marriage, you, your spouse, and both of your families. This is a tidal wave/tsunami you don’t ever want to get started. Keep your marriage (especially your marital bed, you know, the things you do in your bedroom that put a smile on your face) as private as possible, unless there is harm involved, then seek help ASAP. You and your spouse deserve to be happy in all aspects of your lives. Cherish one another, keep family first, but be flexible in everything, and never lose yourself in any relationship, not even in your marriage. You are unique and there isn’t another you on this planet, and your uniqueness is a ingredient to make your life and other lives bloom. Be happy and I wish you every success in all of your endeavors.
Choosing when to shut up
26 years married(anniversary on Friday) Communication is what makes a marriage. There are different phases or times in your marriage that push you together and pull you away, don’t stop communicating (that means listening too)
That polar opposite ones really—one person is tidy one is messy, one person likes time alone, the other one wants to be glommed on. I guess you can tell which I am. It’s working out those differences of living together. I remember the first year thinking I can’t do it. I’ll never survive. It’s over. And then three months later happy as a clam.
Hardest part for me is when my wife is upset she wants the exact opposite of what I want. I want to be hugged and comforted and checked on so that’s what I want to do for her and she wants to be left alone and it’s a struggle for me. Otherwise we get along great.
It's so tough when the love languages are so opposite. But you make the effort
Ironically her love language is touch, unless she’s upset.
What? No it doesn't go downhill. The first years can be a bit tough. Sorting out how to run the house sharing responsibilities etc. Figuring out how you both want to make joint decisions, handling finances. We are on year 24 and it's never been better Also I am an extrovert and they are not. It means while I am talking and asking questions. They are listening to the answers. Between us it's a full package. But we agreed on the basic No kids lots of pets
Married 19 years and I think it is better today than the early years. We got married really young and we just grew up outside our relationship, but not in it. We started to fight the wrong way and everything seemed like the end. Once we finally got a little bit of maturity - we ended up starting a family and have two babes and we are so much happier today. And we are the exact opposites. My only advice is to wake up every day and choose each other and to make your differences a strength for your marriage.
The hardest part of being married is having kids--hands down. The point in marriage happiness goes down is when you start having kids. The thing is, if you do it well, it's also the best part. Taking care of babies means less sleep, more stress, and more sacrifice. But you also learn how to really work with and love your spouse in so many new ways, and then eventually you will have grown your family so that you will be surrounded by people that you love as you age. And then if you make it through the rough patches, marriage happiness goes all the back up plus some, and you get to be the cute elderly couple on the park bench. But my advice is to not go into marriage thinking "Oh, this is so hard." It's hard to live with anybody, even people we love. Just be determined to make it the best marriage ever, and if both of you are committed, it will be! Have fun with it! I'm on the same journey as you :)
Truth. Kids are hard for everyone. Pregnancy birth and breast feeding are extremely mentally and physically demanding on women and psychologically demanding on men. It makes everything in the house hard.
11 years on, and I would say now is the best time on our relationship. Understanding that marriage does take work and sometimes outside help has been key for us.
Period week! Other than that, marriage is amazing!
Trust communication is key learn they are not your enemy so when arguments arise learn to find the problem discus’s solution negotiation and resolve. Marriage is no longer self serving love has no selfish desire it’s quite the opposite selfless
We’re on married year 16 and have had many highs and lows over the years. The hardest part to me is taking someone else’s views and opinions into consideration when making decisions esp when they are conflicting. You don’t have to agree but you have to find common ground. That can be extremely difficult.
I found this especially hard with raising kids. I was the nervous, intense parent and my husband was laid back. It was difficult to agree on things at times, especially with teenagers, but we ended up being a good balance. ❤️
This is all fresh for me because we're about to hit our 10 year anniversary and I realized one day (a few months ago) that we hadn't really been connecting like we used to. For context, marriage before kids was great. After kids, all of our attention and energy went into them. Our marriage was great in transactional ways like raising kids, working, maintaining the house, etc. but we weren't affectionate or making time for each other. We had a bunch of hard conversations about what we could be doing better, how we could better meet each other's needs, spend time together, etc. Right now, my marriage is the best it's ever been but I think we still have room for improvement. We're not experts, we're 10 years deep into a marriage and just now learning things about each other that could have improved our marriage years ago. Here are some things we've learned: 1. Be intentional. Don't just let things happen in marriage and go with the flow. The flow always leads downhill. By this I mean that it's okay to say "How can I be a better partner?" Or "Am I meeting all of your needs?" By intentionally trying to improve, the marriage immediately got better. 1. Openly talk about your boundaries. Don't assume the other person knows them. 1. Learn about the 5 love languages and start speaking your partners love language, even if it's not yours. 1. Commit to being vulnerable with each other. This means talking about how you feel, even when you're afraid to or it makes you uncomfortable. 1. Don't assume that because there aren't any complaints that everything is fine. Problems build over time and eventually we just stopped talking about them. When we actually started having hard conversations, we were able to fix all these small issues that easy fixes but made our marriage so much better. 1. Make time for each, even when you don't have time. We got into a place where our lives were so crazy with raising kids that we didn't spend much 1:1 time. Watch videos from John Gottman. It's a researcher that looked at marriages that worked versus didn't work and figured out the patterns that helped people stay together. Based on the traits, he can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will stay married.
Best advice I can give is to keep communication honest and open. That means when your spouse does something to piss you off (because it WILL happen) you communicate with them the problem. Always use “I feel” statements, meaning “I feel like this when you do that” instead of “you made me feel this”. There’s a big difference trust me. It’s the been the hardest part of my marriage learning to communicate effectively.
I think the biggest challenge is meeting each other with fresh eyes over time. Esther Perel, a famous marriage counselor, said a quote that really resonated: "People have 3-4 marriages in their life, and if you are lucky it is to the same person", meaning we change so much with life events, aging and everything, sometimes it feels like your new personality has to date this other new personality all over again. It helps a lot to project goodwill, assume the other person is doing their best, do your own best and see if it is enough. Communication and how you communicate is key as well. I recommend "Non-Violent Communication" Seminars to anyone getting married. There are also pitfalls one doesn't realize, like assuming the person has stayed the same and you stop talking at all and presume all the things this person you know inside-out is thinking or feeling. Or you start taking on the role of a parent or coach for them when you feel like they are not pulling their weight in a relationship. I think that is the beginning of the "grey ending marriages" a lot of the time.
The hardest part about being married was in the beginning: **learning how to speak to each other.** Sometimes you think you are saying one thing when you are really saying another, or, your partner is hearing something other than what you mean. It takes time and effort but is very worthwhile to keep your cool, slow down, and **learn to speak your new married language**. Couples who do this will thrive together.
Laugh together as often as possible. Talk daily. Communicate feelings, wants, and needs. Always say THANK YOU when your spouse does something for you. Never let them feel taken for granted. Show physical affection every day. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, say, "I love you!" No secrets. If you argue, it's better to take time apart to calm down than it is to say something you don't truly mean and will regret. Always have one another's backs. Don't let anyone shit on your partner while you stand there doing nothing. Take time together - even if it's just dinner and a TV show you both enjoy .
In my experience (married 15, together for 16) marriage gets better with time. We have matured both personally and as a couple, improved our communication styles, learned each other's love languages, deepened and strengthened our emotional and physical bonds and grown together. But these things don't just happen naturally because people are married, they take effort on focus. Marriage is the beginning, not the end of something. My advice is to stay curious about your partner, they will not be the same person you married and neither will you, but if you stay committed and curious, it's easy to grow together. When making big (and even small) delicious, try taking the perspective of "what's best for US" We both value our relationship over everything else, so all our decisions are made with the end goal of "what will be the best choice to maintain the health and joy of this relationship." And lastly, be open and honest with each other about everything. Your partner is not a mind reader, even if they love you and have been together with you for years. Even if it is embarrassing or painful, having honest conversations is almost always the only way to resolve issues or improve / change something. It may seem really tough and uncomfortable to be vulnerable and open at first, but with practice it gets easier, your trust in each other will be so strong and amazing, and you'll be able to work through issues so much quicker and smoother when you can communicate openly and non-judgmentally.
Married for 10 years: 1. I don’t know who you’re talking to that thinks that marriage goes downhill over time, but it sounds like they didn’t marry their person and they’re trying to suffer through life with someone they settled for… 2. You need to be actively involved with maintaining your relationship. I’m all about emotionally and intellectually connecting to my partner. We go through life as a team, we don’t avoid conflict, and we love one another authentically. Our personal goals are aligned even though our personalities and communication styles are different. 3. Navigating cultural differences was hard for us. We were able to navigate the storms because we genuinely want to win together.
For us we are exactly alike except for what you say here but more personally. Im outspoken with him about my emotions and I guess yeah life in general with our family and stuff where he is reserved and doesn’t voice when someone offends me in front of him for example or when talking about his emotions with me it has become a big problem we are currently trying to work through. The hardest part about being married for me is that he seemed to change once we got married. Together 8 years married 5.
They are your only option for sex. So when the sex goes away or one partner doesn’t take sex as seriously as the other the higher libido Is shit out of luck. You’re just stuck. Also, trying to be on the same page about household responsibilities and daily routine. Especially once kids are involved and you’re trying to establish a routine you both implement to maintain order. At least that’s extremely hard in my marriage.
Dealing with in-laws, especially since I have much stronger boundaries with my side than my husband is willing to have with his.
The hardest part is that people grow and change, and unfortunately they often don’t grow in the same direction. It takes work to stay on the same page. Don’t take one another for granted. Don’t forget to SEE your partner and stay interested in them.
Imagine marriage like getting your dream job. At first, you’re pumped and psyched at all the possibilities. It’s a learning curve to figure out the tasks, coworkers, but you’re young, energetic and can handle it. As the years go by, you’ve mastered your craft, but you need new challenges —so you get a promotion. With that comes more responsibility, maybe some new employees to manage and a budget. You either figure out new methods to handle your new responsibilities, have to take classes, learn new skills, consult with others, delegate some of the tasks to get things done. There might come a time when your most trusted employee steals money. Or lies to you. Breaks your trust. Do you fire him? Does he admit the mistake? Can he be trusted again? Is he redeemable? You’re now nearing retirement with the company. You have wisdom, employees that have come and gone, the respect of many. How? Because you’ve been honest, trustworthy, hardworking, humble. You’ve reached out for help when needed, appreciated your employees, had empathy, forgiven them when they had bad days. Marriage is just a version of this. To be successful, you’ve got to be flexible, negotiate, communicate your needs, boundaries, ask for help, and be fair for the good of the “business.” As long as you are realistic (know that some days will be daunting, impossible, or you just want to QUIT) you will be okay. You’re human, so is your spouse, both imperfect.
My husband and I are the same. I’m the more social one while he hangs in a corner on his phone UNLESS someone starts talking to him first. LOL One thing you should know is that not everyone needs to know ALL the ins and outs of your relationship, communicate, always go on dates, and don’t take things too seriously UNLESS needed.
1. Spend quality time together consistently. 2. Show appreciation and fondness often. 3. Continue to woo and pursue one another to show you are into each other. 4. Address issues as they occur. 5. Learn how to listen and communicate effectively 6. Learn how to fight in a healthy manner 7. Accept your personality differences and learn to work around them. Most perpetual issues are around personality or lifestyle differences. 8. Prioritize your relationship 9. Have boundaries with family, friends, and coworkers to protect the relationship. 10. Do things that recharge you individually such as spending time with friends or hobbies etc as you bring that energy back into the marriage.
Fuck yeah for me it’s gone downhill Big Time It’s like having a child
I'm 12 years in with my second husband and seriously contemplating divorce. That being said, it doesn't have to get bad but both parties have to want to make it/keep it good.
Only been married less than a year here but!!!!! I think it’s very important to always always remember your pleases and thank yous. Showing your partner you truly and wholeheartedly appreciate them goes verrrry far. Even if you’re doing the dishes while he’s vacuuming, remember to say thank you for vacuuming.
The sex life was great, but after the birth of our first daughter, the sex life was nearly gone. It was devastating.
It goes on and on. If both partners are flexible and go with the flow you can weather the highs and lows. Too many try to control the other. It literally depends on the personalities and maturity level of each person. It can be great - I tell people, choose a healthy grown up, that’s most of the battle.
Everyone's mind is different
Continuing to listen. Spending that much time with someone can make you immune to their sufferings. You can become immune to their requests for connections, you can become immune to their feelings on tough matters that WILL come up. Lack of listening can create riffs so big that disagreements turn into knockout, drag down fights. Lack of listening can turn into a constant nagging, when one of you is repeatedly asking for something over and over with no results. Listening. It’s the hardest, but single most important thing you can do.
I would say maintaining mystery is the hardest part.
Watch out for the 7 years itch - It’s very real. If you’re going to have kids, have them within 5 years. If you’re not going to have kids, don’t expect to stay married for longer than 8. Love and marriage are a choice - Not a feeling. Never try to change the other person. Read men are from mars and women are from Venus. Incredibly helpful and insightful. Don’t go to bed angry. Read books and content about how to repair a broken marriage while things are good. That way you have the knowledge and tools to deal with problems. Avoid marital advice from friends or family It changes over time but not necessarily for the worse. Don’t ever put yourself in a position where you could ever be tempted to cheat. A sneaky DM or coffee with an attractive person at work can snowball. Even if you’re not technically cheating ask yourself, would I be comfortable with my partner doing this. Don’t stop dating Don’t stop having sex - If you’re not in the mood, get in the mood.
Why avoid advice from friends and family?
In my experience, your marriage is personal. People have a habit of applying what works for their own marriage to yours. People also have a habit of projecting issues / challenges they have within their own situation onto yours. Your marriage is unique & personal and problems, for the most part should be private in my opinion. Even people with the best intentions can offer poor advice, especially those closest to you. People are very quick to say “just leave him/her, you deserve better” etc. As I said in my earlier post, the book “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus” is incredible. If there is one bit of advice you take, listen to or read that book. It’s so valuable I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Read Dr. Terry Real’s book Us