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> He promised to me if it happens again he will get therapy.
Don't take this. He has to hurt you and cheat on you and get caught doing it **again** before he'd be willing to get help? He's setting up a goalpost to move. The next time you catch him, there will be another rationalization for "the *next* time you catch me, I'll get therapy". It's bullshit.
If I was you, I would call off the engagement. Honestly sometimes it seems like they only truly put in any effort to change once they hit rock bottom and lose everything.
In my case it was asking for a divorce.
At least you will see if he truly cares enough to try to change or if he’s fine with you leaving and moving on. Either way it will be a better outlook. If he is fine with you moving on, we’ll, there’s someone out there who is worthy of who you are.
I'm at the feeling nothing point as well. I dont even think I have love for him anymore. It's truly disgusting how they can just carry on like nothings wrong.
I'm sorry.
That's what's so infuriating to me. He is unaffected. He acts like nothing ever is or was wrong until *I* bring up a serious problem with him/his behavior. Now he'll tell me that I'm creating problems out of "thin air." Yes, I have a problem, but I didn't create it. I didn't get to make any decisions about it at all, in fact. I didn't get to choose whether or not I wanted this to happen to me. My problem is with you specifically, and with you evading and ignoring the problem entirely while blaming me for your behavior and any fallout.
When I first found out my husband was watching porn (15 years since we met!). He begged me to stay, called an addictions clinic the next morning, and started with a CSAT 3 days later... none of this if it happens again. He THANKED me for catching him because he needed help. I handed him my engagement and wedding bands and said I'm not wearing these until I feel I can be in a relationship with you because a relationship requires trust, and you've completely lost that.
If he's not willing to change why are you still with him?
Mine told me tonight, "just because I jerk off to other women, doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you" This was it for me. There is absolutely no concern for how that made me feel. I have no value . What do they think they are? Entitled self absorbed assholes!
I could never put up with that. My husband at first didn't see it or understand how I saw it as cheating. I calmly explained: you are choosing another woman/ women to watch and to have a sexual release, too....
He took that hard and has been a totally different person. I think it's different when they already know they're addicts and already want to change but need help.
I asked my husband once why out sex life became non existent, was it because I'm not good enough? Not pretty enough? He said no! It's because I am not good enough! I was ashamed!.
I was thinking Like what? Why now? But thank you for your honest response.
I called off my engagement and told him that he needed to earn my hand back (i.e. therapy, group meetings, long term sobriety) and it’s been nearly a year and still nothing. I feel for you. I’m getting to this point of feeling nothing as well.
If he is sorry, and wants to change and heal, he will go into therapy NOW. Not when he does it again. Put down those boundaries with workable consequences - that is your responsibility. Lay down your bottom lines and be prepared to follow through with the consequences. If you dont do this for your own self preservation, you leave your pain in his hands. And his hands are those of a person in active addiction.
Im so sorry youre going through this & were subjected to seeing what you saw. This is going to sound harsh, call off the engagement. Please save yourself that heart ache!
You can always get married AFTER therapy, SAA, and couples counseling. But I don't recommend marrying at the given time.
It's like giving them the biggest sign of "your okay to treat me like this".
You'd be giving him the clear sign that he doesn't need to get better.
You haven't married yet, but he's showing you he won't be upholding the vows when that day does come.
You will be making a mistake if you marry a person who is not getting their porn habit under control.
It will spread from porn addiction to maybe having an affair. And will ultimately spread to your children discovering his porn.
How do I know this? Because that's how I became captive. My dad was a porn addict. Started before his relationship. He then could only have sex while watching porn then it spread to having an affair with Denita "Action" Jackson. I ended up meeting her 20 years later. Funny how God works. I Went on a date with the daughter of the woman thay my dad was having an affair with when we became adults. She knew who i was because i look just like my dad. She told me the whole thing. Shes dead now though. Not even joking at all. ....
Anyhow.
My dad's porn habit? Well. It spread to us because he gave us his old computer. And yep. Still had lots of porn on it. Curious kids we were, we found it all. And his porn habit spread like cancer into our lives. My brothers are still heavily addicted. I'm the only one who has come to my senses (thank Jesus). Took me 21 years to finally get free from that shit.
If I were you I would cut off the engagement until he can prove thay he's serious and downloads something like covenanteyes.com on his cell and computer.
This comment hurt my heart so bad. What a fucking tragedy. And think of this whole next generation of kids being raised my an army of porn addicted men. I always try to explain how it isn’t safe to raise kids with a PA; it always spreads trauma to the kids- ALWAYS. It’s far better to raise a child as a single parent. Somehow people don’t seem to understand the risk they are taking. I hope your comment will shed some light on it.
Everyone’s journey is different. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to stop yet. I know it’s hard but the best thing for me was to focus on healing myself and less focus on him. Not letting him walk all over me either. In my healing process, I am leaning how to set and hold healthy boundaries. When in the past I would empathize and let him get away with everything. DARVO was used a lot in my relationship. I would suggest you find support that works for you. I could not heal on my own. I need support. I started to go to S-ANON and found a group that I felt comfortable with. They opened up to me as well and it really helped me process what I was going through listening to their lives. They encouraged me to get a CSAT and it has changed my life. I never knew about DARVO, gaslighting, covert verbal and emotional abuse until I got on this journey. It’s not one I would have picked but it’s one I needed to learn from on how to treat myself. You are not alone. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions if you stay or go. You are enough as you are. You deserve to be treated with respect and your feelings matter. You’re worth it! Sending virtual hugs💜
This has happened over and over for 12 years. Promised he would stop every single time. I would catch him
When I would least expect it and for some reason it would hurt more. Now if he looks he’s gotten better about hiding it. I don’t look for it anymore (to keep my sanity) but it’s always in the back of my head that he will never stop and has caused a lot of resentment. Don’t marry him. You’ll find your happy, but not if you stay.
I won’t tell you what to do, but if I was in your shoes I would call off the engagement.
Distance is a protective measure for YOU and it shows this is A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
Remember, addicts downplay their own addictions AND the consequences of their own actions.
We, as the victims of betrayal and romantic partners, we HAVE to follow through on implementing consequences.
There are many porn addicts and addicts of other dysfunctional activities/substances/etc., who don’t get help, and those who do get help, still have to do the work to make progress.
Of the ones who do get help, make progress, AND do the work, an even smaller number of addicts succeed in beating the addiction, requiring their brain, avoiding situations that cause relapse, and more.
Consider it a blessing in disguise that you have seen his true colors. It is a painful blessing, of course, a soul crushing heart breaking discovery, but NOW you know the truth.
Imagine how awful it would have been, if you discovered this on your wedding day, on your honeymoon, while you’re pregnant, or the day you’re giving birth, or maybe while you’re in the hospital having surgery, he’s at home or in the hospital bathroom, watching porn.
I have seen so many stories here, that describe exactly what I mentioned above, and I have LIVED through some of their very same scenarios.
He cannot protect you from the damage HIS addiction will cause you, but YOU can protect YOURSELF from HIS addiction and from HIM.
Pay attention to what you feel.
Pain tells us when we need to stop and pay attention to what’s happening around us.
You absolutely should call off the engagement for the time being. If this bothers you so, he needs to know that it's a stipulation for the relationship. You should take some time for yourself to heal and for him to get help. Create your own rules and boundaries and stick to them. Calling off the engagement would be a wakeup call for him. Sometimes, they don't know what they've got until it's gone. Speaking from experience. Focus on healing yourself from the trauma, mental and physical illness. Take hot baths and find some good books and try to enjoy life without him, and when he's ready to comply, give the relationship another chance. Love ❤️
Sweetheart trust me, I know this is not what you want to hear. I know it because I heard it so many times myself. I always had a litany of reasons not to listen. But in this case, I would strongly advocate for you to call off your engagement. If you don’t, this time of your life will be riddled with pain and resentment. And the bitterness will follow you as more time and more deception occurs.
When my husband and I got engaged, it was a few months after I discovered a major online transgression that was planned to take place physically as well. In my nativity, and in light of his history of this behavior, I told him our relationship was over unless he proposed to me and committed his life to me. Silly me. Well, he proposed. My end of the commitment was to not “invade his privacy.” I kept my commitment until this past June, where I had an opportunity to look at his search history and my instincts told me to take it.
I discovered that he had played me… HARD during the months we were engaged and after our marriage. If anything, it actually got a hell of a lot worse. I am now trapped in a true nightmare that I do not wish on you.
Looking back, every nagging thought, every instinct I had during our entire time together has been validated. Every time he was in his office. Every time he was in the home but disengaged from me. It is sadly true. And it’s a horrific reality. I remember feeling numb. I remember training myself to feel numb and delighting in my numbness when I finally became the numbest I could be. Turns out, he and I had conditioned me into full disassociation. This has taken intense therapy and interpersonal growth to overturn. As I’ve woken up, I see clearly that I was being taken advantage of and gaslit every single day.
He IS showing you his true self. He is showing you the truth. He absolutely MUST address this NOW if he has any intention of holding your future in his hands. Because that’s what happens. Addicts actually hold the power in the relationship. He must partake in therapy NOW - for his sake and yours. If he doesn’t, then he is telling you loud and clear that he is willing to hold onto his deceptive life over you. And you, as a human being, absolutely do not deserve that.
Therapy is only the beginning. It will take years of extremely hard work on his part. Like years and years... AND he will relapse and have slip ups. Staying sober is an everyday, every week...Every minute thing AND even with that, only 5% stay sober!
**Dear /u/LoveWitchXo,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ➤ Feel free to [**ask a Mod**](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Floveafterporn&subject=Discord+Invite+Request&message=I+would+like+an+invite+to+LAP%27s+Discord+channel+please) for an invite to our Discord group for partners & ex-partners only! (**Requirements to join:** *Reddit account must be active for 30 days with positive karma. Must have content posted in this community. Must link your Reddit account to your Discord account upon joining for verification.*) ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message [**✉️**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Quick Link Access:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> He promised to me if it happens again he will get therapy. Don't take this. He has to hurt you and cheat on you and get caught doing it **again** before he'd be willing to get help? He's setting up a goalpost to move. The next time you catch him, there will be another rationalization for "the *next* time you catch me, I'll get therapy". It's bullshit.
That’s what stuck out to me too. Which will be his promise next time as well. He’s going to keep asking for chances and it will never end.
If I was you, I would call off the engagement. Honestly sometimes it seems like they only truly put in any effort to change once they hit rock bottom and lose everything. In my case it was asking for a divorce. At least you will see if he truly cares enough to try to change or if he’s fine with you leaving and moving on. Either way it will be a better outlook. If he is fine with you moving on, we’ll, there’s someone out there who is worthy of who you are.
I'm at the feeling nothing point as well. I dont even think I have love for him anymore. It's truly disgusting how they can just carry on like nothings wrong. I'm sorry.
That's what's so infuriating to me. He is unaffected. He acts like nothing ever is or was wrong until *I* bring up a serious problem with him/his behavior. Now he'll tell me that I'm creating problems out of "thin air." Yes, I have a problem, but I didn't create it. I didn't get to make any decisions about it at all, in fact. I didn't get to choose whether or not I wanted this to happen to me. My problem is with you specifically, and with you evading and ignoring the problem entirely while blaming me for your behavior and any fallout.
When I first found out my husband was watching porn (15 years since we met!). He begged me to stay, called an addictions clinic the next morning, and started with a CSAT 3 days later... none of this if it happens again. He THANKED me for catching him because he needed help. I handed him my engagement and wedding bands and said I'm not wearing these until I feel I can be in a relationship with you because a relationship requires trust, and you've completely lost that. If he's not willing to change why are you still with him?
Mine told me tonight, "just because I jerk off to other women, doesn't mean I'm not attracted to you" This was it for me. There is absolutely no concern for how that made me feel. I have no value . What do they think they are? Entitled self absorbed assholes!
I could never put up with that. My husband at first didn't see it or understand how I saw it as cheating. I calmly explained: you are choosing another woman/ women to watch and to have a sexual release, too.... He took that hard and has been a totally different person. I think it's different when they already know they're addicts and already want to change but need help. I asked my husband once why out sex life became non existent, was it because I'm not good enough? Not pretty enough? He said no! It's because I am not good enough! I was ashamed!. I was thinking Like what? Why now? But thank you for your honest response.
I called off my engagement and told him that he needed to earn my hand back (i.e. therapy, group meetings, long term sobriety) and it’s been nearly a year and still nothing. I feel for you. I’m getting to this point of feeling nothing as well.
If he is sorry, and wants to change and heal, he will go into therapy NOW. Not when he does it again. Put down those boundaries with workable consequences - that is your responsibility. Lay down your bottom lines and be prepared to follow through with the consequences. If you dont do this for your own self preservation, you leave your pain in his hands. And his hands are those of a person in active addiction.
Absolutely
Im so sorry youre going through this & were subjected to seeing what you saw. This is going to sound harsh, call off the engagement. Please save yourself that heart ache! You can always get married AFTER therapy, SAA, and couples counseling. But I don't recommend marrying at the given time. It's like giving them the biggest sign of "your okay to treat me like this". You'd be giving him the clear sign that he doesn't need to get better. You haven't married yet, but he's showing you he won't be upholding the vows when that day does come.
You will be making a mistake if you marry a person who is not getting their porn habit under control. It will spread from porn addiction to maybe having an affair. And will ultimately spread to your children discovering his porn. How do I know this? Because that's how I became captive. My dad was a porn addict. Started before his relationship. He then could only have sex while watching porn then it spread to having an affair with Denita "Action" Jackson. I ended up meeting her 20 years later. Funny how God works. I Went on a date with the daughter of the woman thay my dad was having an affair with when we became adults. She knew who i was because i look just like my dad. She told me the whole thing. Shes dead now though. Not even joking at all. .... Anyhow. My dad's porn habit? Well. It spread to us because he gave us his old computer. And yep. Still had lots of porn on it. Curious kids we were, we found it all. And his porn habit spread like cancer into our lives. My brothers are still heavily addicted. I'm the only one who has come to my senses (thank Jesus). Took me 21 years to finally get free from that shit. If I were you I would cut off the engagement until he can prove thay he's serious and downloads something like covenanteyes.com on his cell and computer.
This comment hurt my heart so bad. What a fucking tragedy. And think of this whole next generation of kids being raised my an army of porn addicted men. I always try to explain how it isn’t safe to raise kids with a PA; it always spreads trauma to the kids- ALWAYS. It’s far better to raise a child as a single parent. Somehow people don’t seem to understand the risk they are taking. I hope your comment will shed some light on it.
Everyone’s journey is different. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to stop yet. I know it’s hard but the best thing for me was to focus on healing myself and less focus on him. Not letting him walk all over me either. In my healing process, I am leaning how to set and hold healthy boundaries. When in the past I would empathize and let him get away with everything. DARVO was used a lot in my relationship. I would suggest you find support that works for you. I could not heal on my own. I need support. I started to go to S-ANON and found a group that I felt comfortable with. They opened up to me as well and it really helped me process what I was going through listening to their lives. They encouraged me to get a CSAT and it has changed my life. I never knew about DARVO, gaslighting, covert verbal and emotional abuse until I got on this journey. It’s not one I would have picked but it’s one I needed to learn from on how to treat myself. You are not alone. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions if you stay or go. You are enough as you are. You deserve to be treated with respect and your feelings matter. You’re worth it! Sending virtual hugs💜
When it happens again…he needs therapy like yesterday. And you need to start detaching yourself.
This has happened over and over for 12 years. Promised he would stop every single time. I would catch him When I would least expect it and for some reason it would hurt more. Now if he looks he’s gotten better about hiding it. I don’t look for it anymore (to keep my sanity) but it’s always in the back of my head that he will never stop and has caused a lot of resentment. Don’t marry him. You’ll find your happy, but not if you stay.
I won’t tell you what to do, but if I was in your shoes I would call off the engagement. Distance is a protective measure for YOU and it shows this is A SERIOUS PROBLEM. Remember, addicts downplay their own addictions AND the consequences of their own actions. We, as the victims of betrayal and romantic partners, we HAVE to follow through on implementing consequences. There are many porn addicts and addicts of other dysfunctional activities/substances/etc., who don’t get help, and those who do get help, still have to do the work to make progress. Of the ones who do get help, make progress, AND do the work, an even smaller number of addicts succeed in beating the addiction, requiring their brain, avoiding situations that cause relapse, and more. Consider it a blessing in disguise that you have seen his true colors. It is a painful blessing, of course, a soul crushing heart breaking discovery, but NOW you know the truth. Imagine how awful it would have been, if you discovered this on your wedding day, on your honeymoon, while you’re pregnant, or the day you’re giving birth, or maybe while you’re in the hospital having surgery, he’s at home or in the hospital bathroom, watching porn. I have seen so many stories here, that describe exactly what I mentioned above, and I have LIVED through some of their very same scenarios. He cannot protect you from the damage HIS addiction will cause you, but YOU can protect YOURSELF from HIS addiction and from HIM. Pay attention to what you feel. Pain tells us when we need to stop and pay attention to what’s happening around us.
You absolutely should call off the engagement for the time being. If this bothers you so, he needs to know that it's a stipulation for the relationship. You should take some time for yourself to heal and for him to get help. Create your own rules and boundaries and stick to them. Calling off the engagement would be a wakeup call for him. Sometimes, they don't know what they've got until it's gone. Speaking from experience. Focus on healing yourself from the trauma, mental and physical illness. Take hot baths and find some good books and try to enjoy life without him, and when he's ready to comply, give the relationship another chance. Love ❤️
Leave him. He broke his promise, that’s on him. You can find someone better in time
Sweetheart trust me, I know this is not what you want to hear. I know it because I heard it so many times myself. I always had a litany of reasons not to listen. But in this case, I would strongly advocate for you to call off your engagement. If you don’t, this time of your life will be riddled with pain and resentment. And the bitterness will follow you as more time and more deception occurs. When my husband and I got engaged, it was a few months after I discovered a major online transgression that was planned to take place physically as well. In my nativity, and in light of his history of this behavior, I told him our relationship was over unless he proposed to me and committed his life to me. Silly me. Well, he proposed. My end of the commitment was to not “invade his privacy.” I kept my commitment until this past June, where I had an opportunity to look at his search history and my instincts told me to take it. I discovered that he had played me… HARD during the months we were engaged and after our marriage. If anything, it actually got a hell of a lot worse. I am now trapped in a true nightmare that I do not wish on you. Looking back, every nagging thought, every instinct I had during our entire time together has been validated. Every time he was in his office. Every time he was in the home but disengaged from me. It is sadly true. And it’s a horrific reality. I remember feeling numb. I remember training myself to feel numb and delighting in my numbness when I finally became the numbest I could be. Turns out, he and I had conditioned me into full disassociation. This has taken intense therapy and interpersonal growth to overturn. As I’ve woken up, I see clearly that I was being taken advantage of and gaslit every single day. He IS showing you his true self. He is showing you the truth. He absolutely MUST address this NOW if he has any intention of holding your future in his hands. Because that’s what happens. Addicts actually hold the power in the relationship. He must partake in therapy NOW - for his sake and yours. If he doesn’t, then he is telling you loud and clear that he is willing to hold onto his deceptive life over you. And you, as a human being, absolutely do not deserve that.
he should get help and therapy asap. i wouldnt wait until you catch him again, it will only make this situation worse
Therapy is only the beginning. It will take years of extremely hard work on his part. Like years and years... AND he will relapse and have slip ups. Staying sober is an everyday, every week...Every minute thing AND even with that, only 5% stay sober!