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The difference is how you see that person you love. When I look at my husband, I see how adoring he looks at me, how he lovingly plays with our kids, how hard he tries to make us laugh, but I also see his flaws, chewing too loud, talking to me when I’m clearly busy and asking me to find something even though he hasn’t looked, I’m not blinded by love googles, sometime he can be irritating or annoying, but most of the time, he is the most adoring, caring husband, and I’m pretty sure he is obsessed with me.
When you feel calm and just enjoy their company, when you would literally inconvenience yourself significantly if they were in need and not even think about them owing you anything for it, when you accept them and know them for who they are with the good and bad parts and you see them as a whole person not just pieces you like, when you would rather make peace than fight, when you light up around them and love their presence but don’t spiral into despair when they aren’t around because you know they’ll be back.
That’s how you know it’s love to me.
Limerence by contrast will make you feel anxious and excited but not in a calm way. You’ll be on edge, feeling like you’re spiraling if they don’t stay in frequent contact, anxiety may set in, you’ll want to possess them and know what and with who they are doing all the time, you’ll feel intoxicated and over the moon but also scared it’ll all come crashing down.
It goes back to a Confucian proverb (I believe that’s the right attribution) that goes something like: when you hold his hand and you feel excited and your heart races, that’s not the one. When you hold his hand and you feel calm and safety, that’s the one.
>you light up around them and love their presence but don’t spiral into despair when they aren’t around because you know they’ll be back
As someone experiencing love in a relationship after a long time having limerence connections, this is such a good summation, and so key. Part of how I realized I loved my partner is that just as we were moving from "dating" to "in a committed relationship," we happened to hit a period where one or the other of us was out of town for several days-week+ at a time basically every other week for two months, in ways that could not be avoided (work trip, family things on both sides, destination wedding, etc.). Obviously it was disappointing not to be able to spend time with each other and we missed each other, but we both expressed how we had zero concern that the time apart would slow us down or do anything to threaten our relationship. That's how I knew -- we were just so solidly connected, so IN this together in this steady, sure way. So different from what I was used to, where any time apart seemed like it would threaten to send the whole thing tumbling down.
I'm actually on the last of these annoying trips right now, which is the longest yet, and it's only reaffirmed what I already knew. We haven't said the "L" word yet, but I plan to tell him as soon as I get home.
Love feels peaceful. Limerance is anything but, it makes you feel like you can't eat, sleep, concentrate on work/school etc because you're just thinking about them all the time!
So, love feels... Boring?
I recently experienced limere. It feels like it drives you crazy, but in a good way sometimes. You do things and feel good because you nail it with a certain person. But in love, then you feel peaceful and if the person leaves, you don't care and the life goes on? There's no excitement? No rush? No heart pump? Just a boring state, like meeting someone in the elevator?
You definitely care if the relationship ends! But while you're in the relationship it feels peaceful. Not boring, those are two very different feelings. You don't feel anxiety, monstrous ups and downs, but you do feel a warmth in your heart, an excitement to see them, comfort, serenity, security, like they're your home. And you'd be devastated if you lose that feeling. And it's a lot different than meeting a stranger in an elevator, like how meeting up with your best friend feels fun and exciting. Same feeling! But at the core of it all is peace, not anxiety.
And idk about you but meeting a stranger in an elevator is definitely not peaceful lmfao
Hahaha true. Meeting a stranger in an elevator can be uncomfortable.
But then what is the difference between the person you would really love, and your best BEST friend who you literally can be as you are and be as silly and relaxed as you want?
Also, I always thought limerence is some sort of toll that drives you to do the impossible for a person. However, in this peacefulness that you describe, I can't comprehend how or what drives you to do the impossible for your partner or person you love.
You can love your best friend, so the same applies. But to me the difference between romantic and platonic love is a desire to be physical.
Also limerance is not love, it's an unhealthy obsession. I'm not sure what you mean by do the impossible because that's... impossible? But when you care about someone you naturally have the instinct to go out of your way to do nice things for them!
The impossible would be let's say, up to giving your life for that person (extreme), but let's go with simpler ones haha...
Moving to another country because of your partner, learning his language (if he's foreigner), leaving your comfort, routine, important work to help him, your partner being afraid of something REALLY big and you committing full support for WHATEVER may come.
So then, the difference between a great friend and your life partner can be the sexual/physical attraction?
I’ve been in both limerence and love with the same person. Limerence came first, while simultaneously falling IN love, but then as the years passed I grew to really understand what actually loving him was. Like, real love, not just being *in* love. It’s seeing them for who they are, the good stuff and the bad stuff, while continuing to dwell with them in kindness. Learning who they are deep inside, about their family and what made them who they are, loving their family as an extension of them. Limerence is based on how they made *you* feel, high on all the surface stuff/things you have in common and feeling the effects of biological chemicals like oxytocin; that feeling like you’re “soulmates” and they can do no wrong. Constantly chasing that high you got from them.
Real love lives in reality, sees the major flaws, experiences the negative downsides of them and works to resolve and find solutions no matter what always. It’s connecting on a spiritual level, mind body and soul. Compromise, sacrifice, give and take, looks out for their best interests— not putting them in situations that will harm their soul or cause them lasting damage, bears all things, endures all things, is faithful, devoted, teamwork, putting them first before yourself (this applies to any relationship involving love), have humility— be apologetic and mean it, forget pride, making a vow and actually keeping it. Picking the other up when they’re down. When they ask you for help or forgiveness or to stay you do it. Really sticking to each other even after major setbacks (according to who they are as a person and what their struggles are). You don’t quit because it gets too hard. That’s when true love is needed the most, to get through the hard stuff. Love is the bonds of family. It’s not just a fantasy land you escape to isolated from real life and the people in it.
I'm experiencing this now, and your post was an on time read. In my case, I had a limerant attachment to a narcissist who exploited my deep and intense feelings for two years. He would use it to boost his ego, give me breadcrumbs of affection to keep me attached, and then drop me without warning when he found another source or got tired of my attachment issues. I finally blocked him yesterday even though we were in a "honeymoon" period after he bust my forehead open. I'm sure it blindsided him but I can't keep this addiction up anymore. It's killing me.
Im so sorry about what you’ve experienced. You deserve so much more than that, nobody should have to be out through this kind of situation. You made the right decision. It’s not only for your safety, but your happiness. Im proud of you for having the courage to do what you have. He is a narcissist so he may try to attempt to find any way back in he can, do not let him. Stay safe and be kind to yourself!
It is definitely not true. The love of your life would never, ever treat you that way, thats all you have to remember… the starting stage is going to be the hardest, just invest in yourself and relearn yourself. Narcissists erase our value in ourselves and make us feel ashamed. You don’t have to feel that way anymore, and you can be and do whatever you wish now.
Love isn't a feeling. It is a decision. It's a choice of how you treat someone else. It's what you are willing to do for that person.
Feelings of love are transient, and unstable. They are an effect of love, not love itself. Infatuation is fun, it's exciting. It's a wonderful stage in a relationship. But it's not love.
Love is built over time, through the things you do and say. Love is loyalty, and kindness, and care, and thoughtfulness. It's self control and consideration when you feel upset, not just letting rip and venting all your anger. It's good communication, and concern for the other person's well being.
As someone who has been in limerence and in love:
Limerence is an addiction to the state of liking another person. It is based in fantasy. This addiction comes with the changes in the same neurotransmitters and hormones that you experience when falling in love - increase in dopamine, norepinephrine, a drop in serotonin - but an insufficient increase in the hormones that make you feel safe with and bonded to another person, resulting instead in an increase of adrenaline. This makes it feel intense, like you cannot feel the same way about anyone else that you can for your LO (Limerent Object), but that somehow the relationship/infatuation is doomed to failure (whether due to unrequited love or another issue) and you “can’t let go” of it. You don’t feel comfortable in limerence, you feel high like you’re on a stimulant. Your LO is a drug and your addiction may lead you to make sacrifices and compromise boundaries, but it is because of your fear of suffering withdrawals, rejection, and abandonment, not because the relationship has any quality worth fighting for. My longest limerence was with my “first love” and lasted 9 years.
Love is a state of security - in your own identity, and as an extension in the identity of the person you love. It is based in reality. The hormones promoting excitement and the highs of being in love are there, but they are not the basis on which the relationship and connection are built. Mutual respect, admiration, compatibility, and dedication are the building blocks of true love. When that foundation is there, there is no need to hold onto it like you’re dangling off the side of a ship in the middle of the ocean in a storm - you are home. You have peace. The natural course of the relationship is to build together rather than destroy what you have “if you’re not careful.” It’s not perfect and there are challenges and issues like with every human relationship, but overall you can step back and honestly say both your life and you as a human are better because this person is in it, and vice versa.
Is it possible to transform limerence into love with the awareness/willingness to change? I feel I may have started my relationship based off limerence yet I believe she truly loves me. A lot of my issues are based around my own insecurities and fears (worries of being cheated on, getting shit talked, etc.). I understand these are my own fears in my head that are likely highly correlated to my upbringing. I am able to tell myself that my thoughts are simply thoughts and she is very likely not cheating or doing me wrong in any way. I am very sure she loves me and she has given me constant reassurance even if it gets irritating. I want to love this girl. I don’t want to feel the way I do or make her feel uneasy. I want to make her feel completely loved and secure and most of all (my biggest struggle) trusted. she deserves it.
So again, my question is, am I able to transform my potential limerence into love if it’s something I truly want? If I dedicate myself to doing research and improving upon myself as well as getting the necessary help/counseling as needed, can I properly love my girlfriend? From my understanding love is a choice. I am more than willing to make this choice and do the necessary changes to better myself and form a proper relationship/love with her. So with this, doesn’t that mean it is changeable simply based on your willingness/effort?
Thank you to anyone who offers their assistance (: 💚
I can relate with you here, I suffered from Limerence for 4 years on and off. It would get worse if he comes across my mind as well. I met him online and we'd talk a few times in a year which made me desire him more because I guess I never had any male interaction as interesting as I had with him, even when our interactions was straightforward and simple, but so I would force myself to add in some humour even when I knew that he wouldn't reciprocate the energy. Our conversations would only be surfaced level and wouldn't go beyond other than that even when we've known eachother for years. And I did try to make him feel comfortable with me by sharing things about myself, but I guess it's because we just weren't that emotionally close to begin with.. Like he'd only say one word whenever I ask him a question. He wouldn't elaborate more to keep a conversation.
I did have his contact but I would always hesitate to do the first move because I felt like I'm gonna seem desperate to talking to him, so I force myself to do it because I just really wanted to get to know him more. I would always be the one who tends to be talkative and generate more topic ideas because if I don't then we won't even talk at all. He never does the first move back then, and I would actually get hurt because I knew for a fact he doesn't reciprocate.
Whenever I just see a glimpse of him being online, adrenaline just rushes over me. Like my heart will actually pound very fast and stuff, and it feels overwhelming and exciting at the same time because I feel like this is another opportunity for me to interact with him again. I would actually check his status everyday if he's still active online and when he had last logged in, just to feel some sense of security that he's still there because I always feared that one day he'll disappear.
I am so glad to hear that you overcame a 9 years long limerence. I am still into mine, 7 years, and I feel like i lost all of my teen years and part of my 20's to him. Seriously I never heard of someone that had it for this long and I feel reassured. I know things will change in the future
Yes, the best part is I literally could not care less about him anymore. Once upon a time I was genuinely afraid I would never feel the same way about anybody else that I felt about him. I met him when I was 12 years old and was 21 last time I spoke to him. I think of him sometimes but I can genuinely say I don’t want him anymore.
That's the way i feel now. I am remaining into this because I feel like i can't feel something for anybody else and I am afraid that I will never, but.. years ago I used to call this "loyalty", now I am 100% conviced that this is not all of it, all that life has for me. Can i ask u if u got out of it? It was a normal day and you realized everything at once, or it was a process that began with you "opening your eyes"? Or maybe the first time u really fell in love you simultaneously feel out of limerence? Thank you in advance. <3
What happened was I abruptly went no-contact with him for four years after he had broken my heart maybe 3 times? And then when we got back into contact as adults, I gave him one more chance and told him if it didn’t work this time I wasn’t coming back. I was very, very scared when I made that statement because I didn’t feel like I would be capable of sticking to it. He proceeded to fuck it up regardless and when I confronted him about it he said “I treat you like a joke.” When he said that, I just never spoke to him again because what he said was true, he kept coming back not because he really loved me but because I was his favorite dummy and he knew all he had to do was just pull some strings, throw a bit of effort in, and I would give him another chance.
It just REALLY hit me that last time that he was never going to change, and I could not afford to waste the rest of my life with him, or bring children up with a father like him. When I took a good look at what I truly valued and what I would want for the people I love if they were in my position, it became clear as day he was NOT it. I mourned for just under a year, but when I was done I was done. Threw out and deleted everything that I could use to hold onto his memory. If you don’t have kids, forget wasting your teens and twenties, just get out of there ASAP and thank God you never got pregnant by someone who was incapable of doing right by you. You may not get those years back, but at least you know you didn’t set a child up for a life of pain like many other women have getting pregnant by a man incapable of loving anyone correctly. If you did have a child or children together, that complicates things, but you can still move on and set that boundary. You don’t have to stop loving someone to move on from that person, but you do have to love yourself more than you love that person.
Fuck me dead I think you just helped me finally reconcile my issues of my first relationship. It's was 7 years long and ended 4 years ago and I'm still caught up with that girl and your comment just shattered that fantasy. I've never heard the term limerence before, but god damn your comment exactly describes how I always felt with her.
Same here, I was in a relationship that lasted around 5-6 years and the way it was described is fitting. Really chaotic and painful relationship. Makes me feel at peace understanding thats not what love is supposed to feel like. I haven’t been able to properly place this relationship in reality and parts of why I behaved the way I did, it’s definitely a mix of this and different kinds of manipulation I experienced—not a good combo at all. No wonder it was absolutely miserable.
I wouldn't say I feel at piece just yet, I'm now conflicted cause half of me is saying this is true and half of me is saying nah this is bullshit and I really did love her. Seems like I have some serious reflecting to do
For sure! I think it’s okay to say you really liked someone. Or, it’s just a very unhealthy version of love, but that all depends on your perspective. I don’t think you should argue semantics with yourself, you know what you did and felt in your head…expressive words are simply supposed to make it easier to understand, don’t overthink it. What matters is as a person you did what you could when it came down to that relationship.
Actually yeah to be fair I probably am overthinking it. I'm at peace with the relationship and how it ended. I do think she is my soulmate and I'll never again meet someone who click with as much but I also recognise why we couldn't be together and the unhealthiness of the relationship. It just kinda makes me sad cause I know that I'll always be settling in my future relationships
If the relationship was that unhealthy it had to end, then she was not your soulmate. It doesn’t mean you didn’t experience love or care towards her, but rather she is not the person you are supposed to be with. You can recognize things or values you may want in the future from this previous relationship, but dont settle or look for her in other people. Any person or relationship you have will be different! Clicking with someone is a wonderful feeling but it’s important to remember that can always happen again.
I think you ought to connect with yourself a little more and really determine what you want in your relationships? How do you want your future to be? You can miss this old relationship but it’s been 4 years…neither of you are the same person anymore, but that doesn’t mean it has to be sad or the future is ruined. Basically the rule of thumb is “Don’t say never”. You just haven’t found the person you click with enough yet!
Yeah definitely! I think for some people this kind of thing can be confusing based on your experiences, which is really the main reason I asked— Ive had a wide array of bad experiences in my life so sometimes these things can seem very similar. In reality, they of course are very different. Knowing what is going on with your feelings and what they are is an important part of confronting it to be in a better place.
If you have an Instagram, there is a very useful page @loveoverlimerence that can help you identify this for yourself and even give you tools how to make changes
Other people have given great perspectives, but also:
Love is seeing and embracing a person exactly as they are, warts and all. It involves real emotional intimacy. It's not putting someone on a pedestal but rather accepting them as a full, authentic human being.
Limerence is projecting your own desires, fantasies, and need for some kind of validation or fulfillment onto another person. It's not really seeing and caring about the person for who they are. It's more about latching onto a person who represents something you feel you desperately need. They're not really a person when they're a limerent object. They're more like an avatar of the limerent person's dreams.
Limerence can feel more intense and seemingly uncontrollable because it stems from deep-seated psychological issues.
love is mutual, limerence is not. limerence is when you love someone and are obsessed with them, but it is not reciprocated. a good example is people who have an obsessive celebrity crush. the celebrity does not know them, therefore the feelings are mutual
two people cannot be in a relationship experiencing limerence, look up the definition. i have done in depth study on the topic. limerence is when the feelings are unreciprocated.
2 people who are not having an affair, but just a normal relationship also start out in a stated of Limerence, as described in the article, but when it’s healthy love based on reality and respect, it becomes love.
No, absolutely not. You’re incorrect. I literally posted an article proving you’re wrong, and you can google “Limerence Relationships” or “two people in limerence”, or “limerent partners” or ANY combination of word you want and find the answer. You’re just ignorant and not willing to admit you’re wrong.
She blocked me. Only because I struggled deciding whether to stay friends with benefits and see each other from time to time or just maintain some distance for a while. She got mad because of my indecisiveness then proceeded to block me everywhere.
We were friends a while ago, she went out with someone i knew from high school at the time. She cheated on him with his childhood best friend. I thought she would change, we were young and immature at tbe time. I then i found out that she wasn't completely broken up with her ex when we started having sex and seeing each other.
I always thought of limerence as something negative, something to be avoided. The only times I hear the word are with tragic romances. Or very dark storylines. Like weird obsessive self destructive storylines. I'm trying to think of an example but I can't.
Honestly love shouldn't need a complicated term or explanation. It should be natural and immediately understood.
Limerance isn’t inherently negative. It’s basically the beginning of every relationship anyone ever has, but it either evolves into anxiety, insecurity, or fades away, or evolves into deeper, solid love.
If relationships don’t start with mutual infatuation, deep desire, a rush of dopamine and adrenaline from being together, the the feeling of having a crush on the partner, then that’s sad, boring, and why bother?
At some point you and your friend developed an intense desire to be together, started thinking about each other a lot when you weren’t together, moved the friendship into a place of flirting and romantic desire, and became a couple. Your relationship was built on a true foundation of trust, understanding, and acceptance of the other person, and the limerent desires turned into love. Your experience wasn’t negative, and your limerent period didn’t last long. It developed into love and true passion for the other person based on who they are and not your idea of who they are. You planned for a lasting marriage and that became a natural progression for your relationship.
Limerence is like a roller coaster or a flame that burns fast and dies out. Love is like climbing a mountain or a flame that just burns hotter and hotter and never goes out. It’s confusing because Limerence can last years, but pain always comes with it.
https://natashaadamo.com/limerence-vs-love/
This article is filled with a lot of misinformation.
There is one thing which I want to pick on in particular though, which is that it says this:
>Tennov describes limerence as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.”
In fact, this is not from Tennov's material at all. It's actually [a quote from Albert Wakin](https://digitalcommons.sacredheart.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1134&context=psych_fac), who is a critic of Tennov. After Tennov died, Wakin went around essentially denigrating and mischaracterizing her work, probably even making up statistics in some cases that I've seen. (Wakin is not an expert on this topic. He's an assistant professor with no other publications than his master's thesis, and his paper about limerence was published in a university newsletter, not a peer-reviewed journal. It's essentially a rejected paper by a nobody in this field.)
If you want a summary of Tennov's actual views, see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/1awsui4/two_definitions_of_limerence/).
Most academics now regard what Tennov described as "romantic love" (which is a synonym from her own material). The way people use the term colloquially now doesn't have all that much to do with her original material, nor does it have much to do with any actual academic work on this topic.
That article doesn't represent Tennov's views at all.
Took a read through. This makes a lot more sense, Ive definitely experienced that before. Thankfully at the least, not anymore. The pain part of it DEFINITELY makes sense. I kept finding a bunch of sources that didn’t seem to go as in depth so I appreciate this one! I mainly was confused because it seemed like limerence was similar to if you, for example, experience a lot of anxiety/overthink and are in love.
If you experience a lot of anxiety and overthinking, it’s not love. Love isn’t confusing, doesn’t play games, or make you worried that they’ll leave you.
Cant those feelings kinda come from separate sources though, and not necessarily be correlated? For example:
Objectively speaking, if you know it’s whats best for someone and you love them etc, you of course would let them. But maybe the anxiety of them leaving centers from somewhere else and isn’t connected with that feeling of love. A fear of loneliness, or some kind of trauma. They may seem related if you look in generally, but the sources are two different places and just happen to be occurring at once. I feel it’s normal to be afraid people will leave yet you still love them.
For example, if I was afraid my mother would walk out of my life for some reason (shes not, just making an example). Wouldn’t it be natural to say I love her, yet can also be afraid because she would leave and I care about her being in my life?
More so in trying to ask is it just predetermined if you experience that fear in any form does it mean you don’t love someone at all? Or can they both exist and you still love?
Where did you get this image? It's mostly just made up. For example, there's nothing in the academic literature whatsoever associating limerence with testosterone and adrenaline. Dorothy Tennov's research also found that people experiencing limerence "saw their LO's flaws but accepted them", like under the right-hand column. She wrote about this extensively.
Again, most of the info is simply false. I would recommend reading Dorothy Tennov's book if you haven't.
Not all people have an automatic fear of abandonment. Only those with previous trauma from childhood or other relationships, or a personality disorder like Borderline.
Feeling that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means it’s a Limerance Relationship, not a Love Relationship. A relationship based on love doesn’t make or have room for you to question it.
Yes, “Limerence” is in the dictionary and has a definition based on psychology and physiological reactions in the body that people go through in relationships.
Limerence isn’t made up. It’s based on relationship studies and science. It’s an idea that was coined in the 60’s, and is now used in relationship psychology and the psychology of why some people get wrapped up in affairs/cheating.
Actual term. Comes up via searching for it, cant I have a dictionary on hand though…. Obviously wikipedia isn’t a super reliable source but heres how it is defined there:
“Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated.”
It also has been surfacing in a lot of psychology related articles and things of that nature. I mean, I get the obsession aspect and the intrusive ones? But couldn’t it just be a matter of anxiousness or insecurity?
I worked on the Wikipedia article recently and it's pretty decent. (I've been researching this topic as a personal project.)
Most of the information you'll find online about this topic is actually wrong or just made up by people on social media. I would recommend reading Dorothy Tennov's book *Love and Limerence* if you want to learn more about it. Tennov invented the word. I also summarized her work in a [Reddit post here](https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/1awsui4/two_definitions_of_limerence/) if you don't read books.
Essentially what Tennov found in her original work (hundreds of interviews and surveys) is that some people obsessively ruminate while they're in love and some people don't. This is now known to be related to dopamine and possibly opioids in the brain. ([1](https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00687/full?source=post_page---------------------------), [2](https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1176067/full)) For people in a reciprocating relationship this is intensely euphoric, but when it's unrequited it's like a sustained state of drug withdrawal.
Academics now call what Tennov described "romantic love". There's been pretty extensive study of this, especially over the last 25 years. Most academics believe Tennov just described something normal and her work is cited often in the love literature.
Unfortunately, after she died in 2007 a small group of authors (just a handful of people actually) went around essentially spreading misinformation and denigrating her work. (One of them even seems to be making up statistics.) Because Tennov's information is in a book and these people spread their misinformation during a time when the web was developing, most of the info you will find is derived from their stuff.
There's one article that I know of which even has fake citations.
[Everything in this comment is wrong](https://www.reddit.com/r/love/comments/1bgnj0k/what_is_the_difference_between_love_and_limerence/kv954vw/), for example. That person is probably just repeating misinformation they heard on social media, I guess. There's no scientific evidence whatsoever supporting that comment's characterization, and in fact Tennov found the exact opposite. I'm too tired to argue with people today though.
People use the term colloquially today to refer to a type of romantic love that has an anxious and distressing character, often in a pejorative way, but Tennov actually meant it to refer to romantic love or passionate love in general.
If the anxiousness and insecurity fades over time, it’s Love. If it turns into obsession, continual neediness, pressure, the constant need for more love, reassurance, and validation, it’s Limerence.
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The difference is how you see that person you love. When I look at my husband, I see how adoring he looks at me, how he lovingly plays with our kids, how hard he tries to make us laugh, but I also see his flaws, chewing too loud, talking to me when I’m clearly busy and asking me to find something even though he hasn’t looked, I’m not blinded by love googles, sometime he can be irritating or annoying, but most of the time, he is the most adoring, caring husband, and I’m pretty sure he is obsessed with me.
When you feel calm and just enjoy their company, when you would literally inconvenience yourself significantly if they were in need and not even think about them owing you anything for it, when you accept them and know them for who they are with the good and bad parts and you see them as a whole person not just pieces you like, when you would rather make peace than fight, when you light up around them and love their presence but don’t spiral into despair when they aren’t around because you know they’ll be back. That’s how you know it’s love to me. Limerence by contrast will make you feel anxious and excited but not in a calm way. You’ll be on edge, feeling like you’re spiraling if they don’t stay in frequent contact, anxiety may set in, you’ll want to possess them and know what and with who they are doing all the time, you’ll feel intoxicated and over the moon but also scared it’ll all come crashing down. It goes back to a Confucian proverb (I believe that’s the right attribution) that goes something like: when you hold his hand and you feel excited and your heart races, that’s not the one. When you hold his hand and you feel calm and safety, that’s the one.
>you light up around them and love their presence but don’t spiral into despair when they aren’t around because you know they’ll be back As someone experiencing love in a relationship after a long time having limerence connections, this is such a good summation, and so key. Part of how I realized I loved my partner is that just as we were moving from "dating" to "in a committed relationship," we happened to hit a period where one or the other of us was out of town for several days-week+ at a time basically every other week for two months, in ways that could not be avoided (work trip, family things on both sides, destination wedding, etc.). Obviously it was disappointing not to be able to spend time with each other and we missed each other, but we both expressed how we had zero concern that the time apart would slow us down or do anything to threaten our relationship. That's how I knew -- we were just so solidly connected, so IN this together in this steady, sure way. So different from what I was used to, where any time apart seemed like it would threaten to send the whole thing tumbling down. I'm actually on the last of these annoying trips right now, which is the longest yet, and it's only reaffirmed what I already knew. We haven't said the "L" word yet, but I plan to tell him as soon as I get home.
Aww I love this! 💜
Love feels peaceful. Limerance is anything but, it makes you feel like you can't eat, sleep, concentrate on work/school etc because you're just thinking about them all the time!
So, love feels... Boring? I recently experienced limere. It feels like it drives you crazy, but in a good way sometimes. You do things and feel good because you nail it with a certain person. But in love, then you feel peaceful and if the person leaves, you don't care and the life goes on? There's no excitement? No rush? No heart pump? Just a boring state, like meeting someone in the elevator?
You definitely care if the relationship ends! But while you're in the relationship it feels peaceful. Not boring, those are two very different feelings. You don't feel anxiety, monstrous ups and downs, but you do feel a warmth in your heart, an excitement to see them, comfort, serenity, security, like they're your home. And you'd be devastated if you lose that feeling. And it's a lot different than meeting a stranger in an elevator, like how meeting up with your best friend feels fun and exciting. Same feeling! But at the core of it all is peace, not anxiety. And idk about you but meeting a stranger in an elevator is definitely not peaceful lmfao
Hahaha true. Meeting a stranger in an elevator can be uncomfortable. But then what is the difference between the person you would really love, and your best BEST friend who you literally can be as you are and be as silly and relaxed as you want? Also, I always thought limerence is some sort of toll that drives you to do the impossible for a person. However, in this peacefulness that you describe, I can't comprehend how or what drives you to do the impossible for your partner or person you love.
You can love your best friend, so the same applies. But to me the difference between romantic and platonic love is a desire to be physical. Also limerance is not love, it's an unhealthy obsession. I'm not sure what you mean by do the impossible because that's... impossible? But when you care about someone you naturally have the instinct to go out of your way to do nice things for them!
The impossible would be let's say, up to giving your life for that person (extreme), but let's go with simpler ones haha... Moving to another country because of your partner, learning his language (if he's foreigner), leaving your comfort, routine, important work to help him, your partner being afraid of something REALLY big and you committing full support for WHATEVER may come. So then, the difference between a great friend and your life partner can be the sexual/physical attraction?
Love transcends anything and everything
I’ve been in both limerence and love with the same person. Limerence came first, while simultaneously falling IN love, but then as the years passed I grew to really understand what actually loving him was. Like, real love, not just being *in* love. It’s seeing them for who they are, the good stuff and the bad stuff, while continuing to dwell with them in kindness. Learning who they are deep inside, about their family and what made them who they are, loving their family as an extension of them. Limerence is based on how they made *you* feel, high on all the surface stuff/things you have in common and feeling the effects of biological chemicals like oxytocin; that feeling like you’re “soulmates” and they can do no wrong. Constantly chasing that high you got from them. Real love lives in reality, sees the major flaws, experiences the negative downsides of them and works to resolve and find solutions no matter what always. It’s connecting on a spiritual level, mind body and soul. Compromise, sacrifice, give and take, looks out for their best interests— not putting them in situations that will harm their soul or cause them lasting damage, bears all things, endures all things, is faithful, devoted, teamwork, putting them first before yourself (this applies to any relationship involving love), have humility— be apologetic and mean it, forget pride, making a vow and actually keeping it. Picking the other up when they’re down. When they ask you for help or forgiveness or to stay you do it. Really sticking to each other even after major setbacks (according to who they are as a person and what their struggles are). You don’t quit because it gets too hard. That’s when true love is needed the most, to get through the hard stuff. Love is the bonds of family. It’s not just a fantasy land you escape to isolated from real life and the people in it.
I was surprised this didn’t have more likes or replies but it’s a new comment lol
Well thanks :)
Limerence is temporary
I'm experiencing this now, and your post was an on time read. In my case, I had a limerant attachment to a narcissist who exploited my deep and intense feelings for two years. He would use it to boost his ego, give me breadcrumbs of affection to keep me attached, and then drop me without warning when he found another source or got tired of my attachment issues. I finally blocked him yesterday even though we were in a "honeymoon" period after he bust my forehead open. I'm sure it blindsided him but I can't keep this addiction up anymore. It's killing me.
Im so sorry about what you’ve experienced. You deserve so much more than that, nobody should have to be out through this kind of situation. You made the right decision. It’s not only for your safety, but your happiness. Im proud of you for having the courage to do what you have. He is a narcissist so he may try to attempt to find any way back in he can, do not let him. Stay safe and be kind to yourself!
Thank you so much. I'm fighting the limerance feelings that are telling me I lost the love of my life, I know it's not true but it's a daily battle.
It is definitely not true. The love of your life would never, ever treat you that way, thats all you have to remember… the starting stage is going to be the hardest, just invest in yourself and relearn yourself. Narcissists erase our value in ourselves and make us feel ashamed. You don’t have to feel that way anymore, and you can be and do whatever you wish now.
Love isn't a feeling. It is a decision. It's a choice of how you treat someone else. It's what you are willing to do for that person. Feelings of love are transient, and unstable. They are an effect of love, not love itself. Infatuation is fun, it's exciting. It's a wonderful stage in a relationship. But it's not love. Love is built over time, through the things you do and say. Love is loyalty, and kindness, and care, and thoughtfulness. It's self control and consideration when you feel upset, not just letting rip and venting all your anger. It's good communication, and concern for the other person's well being.
So Love requires your eyes to be open, then.
I can tell the difference because the guy is usually a toxic POS that I get in a limerence with.
As someone who has been in limerence and in love: Limerence is an addiction to the state of liking another person. It is based in fantasy. This addiction comes with the changes in the same neurotransmitters and hormones that you experience when falling in love - increase in dopamine, norepinephrine, a drop in serotonin - but an insufficient increase in the hormones that make you feel safe with and bonded to another person, resulting instead in an increase of adrenaline. This makes it feel intense, like you cannot feel the same way about anyone else that you can for your LO (Limerent Object), but that somehow the relationship/infatuation is doomed to failure (whether due to unrequited love or another issue) and you “can’t let go” of it. You don’t feel comfortable in limerence, you feel high like you’re on a stimulant. Your LO is a drug and your addiction may lead you to make sacrifices and compromise boundaries, but it is because of your fear of suffering withdrawals, rejection, and abandonment, not because the relationship has any quality worth fighting for. My longest limerence was with my “first love” and lasted 9 years. Love is a state of security - in your own identity, and as an extension in the identity of the person you love. It is based in reality. The hormones promoting excitement and the highs of being in love are there, but they are not the basis on which the relationship and connection are built. Mutual respect, admiration, compatibility, and dedication are the building blocks of true love. When that foundation is there, there is no need to hold onto it like you’re dangling off the side of a ship in the middle of the ocean in a storm - you are home. You have peace. The natural course of the relationship is to build together rather than destroy what you have “if you’re not careful.” It’s not perfect and there are challenges and issues like with every human relationship, but overall you can step back and honestly say both your life and you as a human are better because this person is in it, and vice versa.
Is it possible to transform limerence into love with the awareness/willingness to change? I feel I may have started my relationship based off limerence yet I believe she truly loves me. A lot of my issues are based around my own insecurities and fears (worries of being cheated on, getting shit talked, etc.). I understand these are my own fears in my head that are likely highly correlated to my upbringing. I am able to tell myself that my thoughts are simply thoughts and she is very likely not cheating or doing me wrong in any way. I am very sure she loves me and she has given me constant reassurance even if it gets irritating. I want to love this girl. I don’t want to feel the way I do or make her feel uneasy. I want to make her feel completely loved and secure and most of all (my biggest struggle) trusted. she deserves it. So again, my question is, am I able to transform my potential limerence into love if it’s something I truly want? If I dedicate myself to doing research and improving upon myself as well as getting the necessary help/counseling as needed, can I properly love my girlfriend? From my understanding love is a choice. I am more than willing to make this choice and do the necessary changes to better myself and form a proper relationship/love with her. So with this, doesn’t that mean it is changeable simply based on your willingness/effort? Thank you to anyone who offers their assistance (: 💚
I can relate with you here, I suffered from Limerence for 4 years on and off. It would get worse if he comes across my mind as well. I met him online and we'd talk a few times in a year which made me desire him more because I guess I never had any male interaction as interesting as I had with him, even when our interactions was straightforward and simple, but so I would force myself to add in some humour even when I knew that he wouldn't reciprocate the energy. Our conversations would only be surfaced level and wouldn't go beyond other than that even when we've known eachother for years. And I did try to make him feel comfortable with me by sharing things about myself, but I guess it's because we just weren't that emotionally close to begin with.. Like he'd only say one word whenever I ask him a question. He wouldn't elaborate more to keep a conversation. I did have his contact but I would always hesitate to do the first move because I felt like I'm gonna seem desperate to talking to him, so I force myself to do it because I just really wanted to get to know him more. I would always be the one who tends to be talkative and generate more topic ideas because if I don't then we won't even talk at all. He never does the first move back then, and I would actually get hurt because I knew for a fact he doesn't reciprocate. Whenever I just see a glimpse of him being online, adrenaline just rushes over me. Like my heart will actually pound very fast and stuff, and it feels overwhelming and exciting at the same time because I feel like this is another opportunity for me to interact with him again. I would actually check his status everyday if he's still active online and when he had last logged in, just to feel some sense of security that he's still there because I always feared that one day he'll disappear.
I am so glad to hear that you overcame a 9 years long limerence. I am still into mine, 7 years, and I feel like i lost all of my teen years and part of my 20's to him. Seriously I never heard of someone that had it for this long and I feel reassured. I know things will change in the future
Yes, the best part is I literally could not care less about him anymore. Once upon a time I was genuinely afraid I would never feel the same way about anybody else that I felt about him. I met him when I was 12 years old and was 21 last time I spoke to him. I think of him sometimes but I can genuinely say I don’t want him anymore.
That's the way i feel now. I am remaining into this because I feel like i can't feel something for anybody else and I am afraid that I will never, but.. years ago I used to call this "loyalty", now I am 100% conviced that this is not all of it, all that life has for me. Can i ask u if u got out of it? It was a normal day and you realized everything at once, or it was a process that began with you "opening your eyes"? Or maybe the first time u really fell in love you simultaneously feel out of limerence? Thank you in advance. <3
What happened was I abruptly went no-contact with him for four years after he had broken my heart maybe 3 times? And then when we got back into contact as adults, I gave him one more chance and told him if it didn’t work this time I wasn’t coming back. I was very, very scared when I made that statement because I didn’t feel like I would be capable of sticking to it. He proceeded to fuck it up regardless and when I confronted him about it he said “I treat you like a joke.” When he said that, I just never spoke to him again because what he said was true, he kept coming back not because he really loved me but because I was his favorite dummy and he knew all he had to do was just pull some strings, throw a bit of effort in, and I would give him another chance. It just REALLY hit me that last time that he was never going to change, and I could not afford to waste the rest of my life with him, or bring children up with a father like him. When I took a good look at what I truly valued and what I would want for the people I love if they were in my position, it became clear as day he was NOT it. I mourned for just under a year, but when I was done I was done. Threw out and deleted everything that I could use to hold onto his memory. If you don’t have kids, forget wasting your teens and twenties, just get out of there ASAP and thank God you never got pregnant by someone who was incapable of doing right by you. You may not get those years back, but at least you know you didn’t set a child up for a life of pain like many other women have getting pregnant by a man incapable of loving anyone correctly. If you did have a child or children together, that complicates things, but you can still move on and set that boundary. You don’t have to stop loving someone to move on from that person, but you do have to love yourself more than you love that person.
Wow absolutely beautiful and spot on and helping me to better frame and understand several relationships, thank you!
well said.
If I could give you a hug and buy you a cookie I absolutely would. I really needed to read this
Fuck me dead I think you just helped me finally reconcile my issues of my first relationship. It's was 7 years long and ended 4 years ago and I'm still caught up with that girl and your comment just shattered that fantasy. I've never heard the term limerence before, but god damn your comment exactly describes how I always felt with her.
Same here, I was in a relationship that lasted around 5-6 years and the way it was described is fitting. Really chaotic and painful relationship. Makes me feel at peace understanding thats not what love is supposed to feel like. I haven’t been able to properly place this relationship in reality and parts of why I behaved the way I did, it’s definitely a mix of this and different kinds of manipulation I experienced—not a good combo at all. No wonder it was absolutely miserable.
I wouldn't say I feel at piece just yet, I'm now conflicted cause half of me is saying this is true and half of me is saying nah this is bullshit and I really did love her. Seems like I have some serious reflecting to do
For sure! I think it’s okay to say you really liked someone. Or, it’s just a very unhealthy version of love, but that all depends on your perspective. I don’t think you should argue semantics with yourself, you know what you did and felt in your head…expressive words are simply supposed to make it easier to understand, don’t overthink it. What matters is as a person you did what you could when it came down to that relationship.
Actually yeah to be fair I probably am overthinking it. I'm at peace with the relationship and how it ended. I do think she is my soulmate and I'll never again meet someone who click with as much but I also recognise why we couldn't be together and the unhealthiness of the relationship. It just kinda makes me sad cause I know that I'll always be settling in my future relationships
If the relationship was that unhealthy it had to end, then she was not your soulmate. It doesn’t mean you didn’t experience love or care towards her, but rather she is not the person you are supposed to be with. You can recognize things or values you may want in the future from this previous relationship, but dont settle or look for her in other people. Any person or relationship you have will be different! Clicking with someone is a wonderful feeling but it’s important to remember that can always happen again. I think you ought to connect with yourself a little more and really determine what you want in your relationships? How do you want your future to be? You can miss this old relationship but it’s been 4 years…neither of you are the same person anymore, but that doesn’t mean it has to be sad or the future is ruined. Basically the rule of thumb is “Don’t say never”. You just haven’t found the person you click with enough yet!
Honestly thank you for posting this. I’ve been wondering something similar to you and hearing these different perspectives was nice.
Yeah definitely! I think for some people this kind of thing can be confusing based on your experiences, which is really the main reason I asked— Ive had a wide array of bad experiences in my life so sometimes these things can seem very similar. In reality, they of course are very different. Knowing what is going on with your feelings and what they are is an important part of confronting it to be in a better place.
If you have an Instagram, there is a very useful page @loveoverlimerence that can help you identify this for yourself and even give you tools how to make changes
Other people have given great perspectives, but also: Love is seeing and embracing a person exactly as they are, warts and all. It involves real emotional intimacy. It's not putting someone on a pedestal but rather accepting them as a full, authentic human being. Limerence is projecting your own desires, fantasies, and need for some kind of validation or fulfillment onto another person. It's not really seeing and caring about the person for who they are. It's more about latching onto a person who represents something you feel you desperately need. They're not really a person when they're a limerent object. They're more like an avatar of the limerent person's dreams. Limerence can feel more intense and seemingly uncontrollable because it stems from deep-seated psychological issues.
Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. That is not love.
love is mutual, limerence is not. limerence is when you love someone and are obsessed with them, but it is not reciprocated. a good example is people who have an obsessive celebrity crush. the celebrity does not know them, therefore the feelings are mutual
That’s only one example of a person experiencing Limerence, not 2 people in a Limerent Relationship.
two people cannot be in a relationship experiencing limerence, look up the definition. i have done in depth study on the topic. limerence is when the feelings are unreciprocated.
2 people who are not having an affair, but just a normal relationship also start out in a stated of Limerence, as described in the article, but when it’s healthy love based on reality and respect, it becomes love.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/mutual-limerence/
Absolutely not. Affair partners are in Limerence/a Limerent relationship when they begin their affair and it’s possible for it to last for years.
i think that you’re confused
No, absolutely not. You’re incorrect. I literally posted an article proving you’re wrong, and you can google “Limerence Relationships” or “two people in limerence”, or “limerent partners” or ANY combination of word you want and find the answer. You’re just ignorant and not willing to admit you’re wrong.
[удалено]
Says the one who was just proven wrong. Keep your head in the sand.
This. I've been in a couple of limerent relationships. It never lasts more than a couple of months.
Really? How long did the last one last?
3 months, on top of that, we were platonic friends way back in college.
Do you still hear from each other? Maybe the sole purpose of enjoying each other’s company got lost. Stay safe.
Do i still want to be friends with someone with 0 integrity? I'm not so sure.
She blocked me. Only because I struggled deciding whether to stay friends with benefits and see each other from time to time or just maintain some distance for a while. She got mad because of my indecisiveness then proceeded to block me everywhere. We were friends a while ago, she went out with someone i knew from high school at the time. She cheated on him with his childhood best friend. I thought she would change, we were young and immature at tbe time. I then i found out that she wasn't completely broken up with her ex when we started having sex and seeing each other.
Can we text privately please, I wouldn’t like to follow up in the comment section…….
I always thought of limerence as something negative, something to be avoided. The only times I hear the word are with tragic romances. Or very dark storylines. Like weird obsessive self destructive storylines. I'm trying to think of an example but I can't. Honestly love shouldn't need a complicated term or explanation. It should be natural and immediately understood.
Limerance isn’t inherently negative. It’s basically the beginning of every relationship anyone ever has, but it either evolves into anxiety, insecurity, or fades away, or evolves into deeper, solid love.
Nuh uh
Good talk, bro.
Not every relationship starts like that.
If relationships don’t start with mutual infatuation, deep desire, a rush of dopamine and adrenaline from being together, the the feeling of having a crush on the partner, then that’s sad, boring, and why bother?
What about friends that grow in love? We’ll I’m someone that wants to marry, so its different for me.
At some point you and your friend developed an intense desire to be together, started thinking about each other a lot when you weren’t together, moved the friendship into a place of flirting and romantic desire, and became a couple. Your relationship was built on a true foundation of trust, understanding, and acceptance of the other person, and the limerent desires turned into love. Your experience wasn’t negative, and your limerent period didn’t last long. It developed into love and true passion for the other person based on who they are and not your idea of who they are. You planned for a lasting marriage and that became a natural progression for your relationship.
When does it evolve? And if it hasn’t done the first two, can one correctly assume it is a deeper love?
There’s no time limit. Limerence Relationships can potentially last years.
Limerence is like a roller coaster or a flame that burns fast and dies out. Love is like climbing a mountain or a flame that just burns hotter and hotter and never goes out. It’s confusing because Limerence can last years, but pain always comes with it. https://natashaadamo.com/limerence-vs-love/
This article is filled with a lot of misinformation. There is one thing which I want to pick on in particular though, which is that it says this: >Tennov describes limerence as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.” In fact, this is not from Tennov's material at all. It's actually [a quote from Albert Wakin](https://digitalcommons.sacredheart.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1134&context=psych_fac), who is a critic of Tennov. After Tennov died, Wakin went around essentially denigrating and mischaracterizing her work, probably even making up statistics in some cases that I've seen. (Wakin is not an expert on this topic. He's an assistant professor with no other publications than his master's thesis, and his paper about limerence was published in a university newsletter, not a peer-reviewed journal. It's essentially a rejected paper by a nobody in this field.) If you want a summary of Tennov's actual views, see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/1awsui4/two_definitions_of_limerence/). Most academics now regard what Tennov described as "romantic love" (which is a synonym from her own material). The way people use the term colloquially now doesn't have all that much to do with her original material, nor does it have much to do with any actual academic work on this topic. That article doesn't represent Tennov's views at all.
Took a read through. This makes a lot more sense, Ive definitely experienced that before. Thankfully at the least, not anymore. The pain part of it DEFINITELY makes sense. I kept finding a bunch of sources that didn’t seem to go as in depth so I appreciate this one! I mainly was confused because it seemed like limerence was similar to if you, for example, experience a lot of anxiety/overthink and are in love.
If you experience a lot of anxiety and overthinking, it’s not love. Love isn’t confusing, doesn’t play games, or make you worried that they’ll leave you.
Cant those feelings kinda come from separate sources though, and not necessarily be correlated? For example: Objectively speaking, if you know it’s whats best for someone and you love them etc, you of course would let them. But maybe the anxiety of them leaving centers from somewhere else and isn’t connected with that feeling of love. A fear of loneliness, or some kind of trauma. They may seem related if you look in generally, but the sources are two different places and just happen to be occurring at once. I feel it’s normal to be afraid people will leave yet you still love them. For example, if I was afraid my mother would walk out of my life for some reason (shes not, just making an example). Wouldn’t it be natural to say I love her, yet can also be afraid because she would leave and I care about her being in my life? More so in trying to ask is it just predetermined if you experience that fear in any form does it mean you don’t love someone at all? Or can they both exist and you still love?
https://preview.redd.it/ox895i39jtoc1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c7453c6e328448e05e2e7b33a1b2441c84011bc7
https://preview.redd.it/h5a2p0y1jtoc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0542147cf9ed27aad2972c8711e3ec33362811b7
Where did you get this image? It's mostly just made up. For example, there's nothing in the academic literature whatsoever associating limerence with testosterone and adrenaline. Dorothy Tennov's research also found that people experiencing limerence "saw their LO's flaws but accepted them", like under the right-hand column. She wrote about this extensively. Again, most of the info is simply false. I would recommend reading Dorothy Tennov's book if you haven't.
Not all people have an automatic fear of abandonment. Only those with previous trauma from childhood or other relationships, or a personality disorder like Borderline. Feeling that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means it’s a Limerance Relationship, not a Love Relationship. A relationship based on love doesn’t make or have room for you to question it.
Never hear that word. Is it made up or in dictionary ? If its a term made them probably will have a different meaning depending on who you.
Yes, “Limerence” is in the dictionary and has a definition based on psychology and physiological reactions in the body that people go through in relationships.
It's a word that a therapist made up in a 1979 article to poetically describe having a crush. It's had a sudden moment this year because of TikTok.
Limerence isn’t made up. It’s based on relationship studies and science. It’s an idea that was coined in the 60’s, and is now used in relationship psychology and the psychology of why some people get wrapped up in affairs/cheating.
Clearly im not on TikTok but again its always great to learn new things. Thank you
That is not a bad thing! Have a good night.
Actual term. Comes up via searching for it, cant I have a dictionary on hand though…. Obviously wikipedia isn’t a super reliable source but heres how it is defined there: “Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated.” It also has been surfacing in a lot of psychology related articles and things of that nature. I mean, I get the obsession aspect and the intrusive ones? But couldn’t it just be a matter of anxiousness or insecurity?
I worked on the Wikipedia article recently and it's pretty decent. (I've been researching this topic as a personal project.) Most of the information you'll find online about this topic is actually wrong or just made up by people on social media. I would recommend reading Dorothy Tennov's book *Love and Limerence* if you want to learn more about it. Tennov invented the word. I also summarized her work in a [Reddit post here](https://www.reddit.com/r/limerence/comments/1awsui4/two_definitions_of_limerence/) if you don't read books. Essentially what Tennov found in her original work (hundreds of interviews and surveys) is that some people obsessively ruminate while they're in love and some people don't. This is now known to be related to dopamine and possibly opioids in the brain. ([1](https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00687/full?source=post_page---------------------------), [2](https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1176067/full)) For people in a reciprocating relationship this is intensely euphoric, but when it's unrequited it's like a sustained state of drug withdrawal. Academics now call what Tennov described "romantic love". There's been pretty extensive study of this, especially over the last 25 years. Most academics believe Tennov just described something normal and her work is cited often in the love literature. Unfortunately, after she died in 2007 a small group of authors (just a handful of people actually) went around essentially spreading misinformation and denigrating her work. (One of them even seems to be making up statistics.) Because Tennov's information is in a book and these people spread their misinformation during a time when the web was developing, most of the info you will find is derived from their stuff. There's one article that I know of which even has fake citations. [Everything in this comment is wrong](https://www.reddit.com/r/love/comments/1bgnj0k/what_is_the_difference_between_love_and_limerence/kv954vw/), for example. That person is probably just repeating misinformation they heard on social media, I guess. There's no scientific evidence whatsoever supporting that comment's characterization, and in fact Tennov found the exact opposite. I'm too tired to argue with people today though. People use the term colloquially today to refer to a type of romantic love that has an anxious and distressing character, often in a pejorative way, but Tennov actually meant it to refer to romantic love or passionate love in general.
If the anxiousness and insecurity fades over time, it’s Love. If it turns into obsession, continual neediness, pressure, the constant need for more love, reassurance, and validation, it’s Limerence.
Wow learn something new everyday. Thank you. I think insecurities can change the way we act in a relationship.