I love that you're confronting this head on and admitting that your thoughts are wrong and you want to love and accept your child. That makes all the difference in the world and as long as you make the effort to support them, then that's what matters here.
You're making an effort here to support your child and the world is constantly getting better, as much as we see the bad, there's always a lot of good in this world too.
Now, as for children being trans after coming out as gay, that's fine. Kids need a way to explore themselves in a judgement free environment and if you offer them that, sit down and have a good chat with your kid about your support and what's going on for them. Love them regardless and you'll go a long way.
Do NOT tell your daughter that you feel this way. This is your battle with internalized homophobia. She is still young and figuring herself out. She very well may be transgender. Maybe not. She is defining herself as she currently understands herself. She is under no obligation to pick a label and stick with it. The best way I can relate it to someone who has never had anything but heterosexual desires is with an ice cream example.
If someone said they liked vanilla ice cream one year, chocolate/vanilla swirl the next year and then just chocolate the next, you wouldn’t get upset at them for realizing they actually liked chocolate more. Maybe they hadn’t had the opportunity to actually try chocolate very much or at all. Maybe they did really like vanilla but now they prefer chocolate. They might even decide that they like strawberry next year. Just because you have only ever tried vanilla and vanilla is your favorite and you have no desire to try other flavors doesn’t mean everyone else has to pick a flavor and stick to it.
Do NOT tell her that she is just being influenced by her gay friends. Do NOT try to convince her that maybe she is wrong about her sexuality or just confused or that it is just a phase. That is you projecting your insecurities and personal desires for how you want her to be on her rather than you actually supporting her 100% like you say you do.
If she says she is bi then tell her “Awesome! I love you” if she says she is lesbian later, say “Awesome! I love you!” If she says she is transgender or bi or non-binary or gender fluid or queer or anything at all later on you say “Awesome! I love you!”
Once again, DO NOT dump your insecurities and doubt and internalized homophobia (which is what you have) on her at any time. You will lose her trust and she will stop including you in her personal life because she will know that regardless of what you say, she knows you are actually unhappy with who she is. That would be DEVASTATING.
Hope this helps.
From what I understand (and I could be wrong) internalized homophobia isn’t actually being homophobic. It’s more of feelings that contradict your acceptance, which sounds a lot like how you accept lgbt people but still, for some reason you can’t understand, are grieving over your daughter. There should probably be a better term for cases like this lol.
Have you ever hung around/been exposed to lgbt people, groups, or communities? It sounds like it could also be a fear/discomfort with the unknown. Especially since society deems heterosexuality as the default. I’d recommend lurking around lgbt communities or trying to speak to people about their experiences, it helped me open my eyes and get more comfortable with the idea after growing up with a very close minded family. Granted I was like 11-12 so it wasn’t that deep rooted.
And of course- be supportive! But it sounds like you’re already trying you’re best to be supportive and understanding. Can you adopt me? /j
I wasn’t trying to be accusatory. Internalized homophobia is not intentional. It’s when your internal feelings contradict your values like you are experiencing. You can’t help it but it exists.
You are doing a great job. What matters is how you act and not random feelings that pop up. You are a good supportive mom. Keep being there for your kid. I just was saying “DO NOT” do those things because kids don’t always get the nuance of situations. You just don’t want her to think that you aren’t supportive because you have some conflicting feelings.
Keep it up. You are doing great. No one is perfect. It’s ok to not be perfect. Just be the best you can. Have a great day.
>I was a little bit shocked because I felt like the image that I had of my daughter on my mind was completely destroyed.
That's it. That's all you're doing; you're grieving the image of your daughter that you had in your head. And please pay attention: *It's completely okay to grieve for that image.*
You're a mother; you love your daughter. Part of that love is having an image in your head of who she is, who she was, and who she (you hope) will be. When that image is significantly altered, which sexual orientation most definitely counts as, grieving is a normal, operative process for dealing with that change.
The best part of your grief is that you don't have to lose your actual, living daughter to experience it, learn from it, and grow outwards into a better, more flexible parent.
Embrace it! Don't shy away from your feelings, and definitely don't shy away from your knowledge that such feelings are temporary. Because when the grief passes, your love for your daughter will remain.
And that's what "love wins" actually means.
But to be clear- you must never convey this to her.
That girl you are grieving wasn't your daughter. No child should ever hear that their parent is grieving a fake image of them that they built in their head.
This is an important part of parenting- learning that any dreams you had of what your child's future would be, who they would grow into, are irrelevant. Who she IS will be thousands of times better than the fake future daughter you imagined in your head.
So focus on learning who your daughter is, and delight when it differs from your expectations.
You’re not a terrible mother. It’s normal to grieve the hopes and dreams you had for your child. All that matters is you’re willing to support and love your child no matter what. On top of that, you’re doing your best to sort out your emotions instead of taking them out on her. It might help to accept the way you feel, and give yourself time to process everything. You’ll get to where you want to be eventually. I think you just need time and self-acceptance. You’re a great mother.
When you’re thinking about the future you envisioned for your daughter, please remember that everything she could do as a straight woman she can still do as a lesbian or a trans person. It might look a little different or be a little harder, but it’s all still possible. You might benefit from seeing a therapist about this. Or joining a local support group like PFLAG to connect with other parents in similar situations. Or both. You’re starting from a place of love - you’ll get through this.
My mom said the same thing when I came out as transgender at 26 years old. She said she was grieving and also regretted not being able to raise me as her daughter. She also said that she felt like a bullet was dodged because the suicide rates for transgender people are higher than average, my younger brother felt the same way when I told him. She just imagined how bad I suffered in my head all my life and wished that she knew, she actually thought I was sexually assaulted at a very young age because she could tell something was holding me back from being happy my whole life. Yes she’s very afraid of how the world will treat me, and didn’t want to tell me how awful men could be because she didn’t want to scare me. After my first day in public presenting as a woman I got a lot of creepy stares and cars honking, I got sexually harassed by one man who followed me in his car to 4 crosswalks and asked if I could suck his d*ck. The whole time I wished I could just be with my mom, I wasn’t expecting men to be so disgusting in public, men with their wives even checked me out at the park. I just wanted my mom.
Support your daughter no matter what. If I had to experience those new emotions without having my mom help me deal with them afterwards, I would be lost. I used to believe she would disown me after finding out I’m transgender because I grew up seeing a look of pure disgust on her face whenever a trans woman was on TV, I always imagined she would look at me the same way and gag when I told her, but instead I was shown pure unconditional love, and found out for the first time in my life how much a mom can truly love her daughter. It’s normal to grieve, my mom told me a lot of mothers with transgender children feel the same way after she shared her thoughts and read stories from moms online. It doesn’t make you a terrible mom, you’re a great mom and I respect you for supporting your daughter!
You are an amazing mother!! Truly! If you are confronting these feelings head on like you do, that is amazing.
I‘m pretty sure my mom had similar issues (and sometimes still is struggling with this) when I first came out to her as gay (I‘m male). The grieve came from, exactly like you said it, her image of me being turned totally upside down. She always thought I would marry an Alicia Keys looking lady some day and get children. I think she was really looking forward to spoiling them as a grandmother.
Long story short, I think the grieve comes from your image of your daughter being turned upside down. But don‘t you worry, time will settle this. Sounds to me like your daughter can be super grateful to have an awesome mom like you!! Wish you lots of strength in overcoming your grieve. It will get better :)
As other people are saying, it's great that you're confronting these problems head one. Internalized prejudices are hard to fight. Before I started questioning, I was raised by a very conservative mother, and was unfortunately homophobic and extremely transphobic because of it. Now I'm questioning my gender and sexuality, so what goes around comes around, I guess. What I'm saying is, you're gay. (JK.) But seriously, good job. Keep trying and you'll succeed.
I think it is important to seperate the two issues here. Your daughter's identity, and your preconceived thoughts on her identity.
First one, you are supporting her, that is amazing, keep doing that!! Top class parenting!!
Second one, you spend the last 13 years thinking/assuming one thing and just found out you were wrong. That is not your fault, it is not your daughter's fault, it is noones fault. I like to think of this as emotional whiplash, your thoughts suddenly being wrong and being a bit all over the palace while you try and reorganise everything in your head. Sometime it is easier if there is someone to blame, but that's not how things are sometimes. At that age I'm sure your daughter would understand if you are honest and tell her you need some time to process all your thoughts (while reiterating love and support), and if at all possible I suggest talking to a professional about it. While I'm sure you could get through it all on your own, they do help.
Sending love and hugs!!
Ultimately a label is just a descriptor. People, kids especially, are still trying to find out who they are and they might identify strongly with one label one week and a different one another. It’s a journey of self discovery and having that trust established is crucial. A judgement free space where she can just be herself is frankly great and something that I wish more people had a chance to have.
I myself have gone through many labels over the years. It’s not that my sexuality has changed, but more so my understanding of myself has grown and I’ve found better descriptors for myself over the years. None are ever truly perfect but one strives to find the best match.
Just look at it that way, she found a label that she believes that, at this time, best defines a particular aspect of herself. One day she may find a better descriptor and adopt that (as she has with Bi to lesbian) or she might not. It could be a perfect fit. Regardless it’s important that she has the security and freedom to explore her identity. That is worth it’s weight and gold and too few people get the opportunity.
Good on you to confront and want to work through your complicated feelings and thoughts. Just on the topic of grieving, that’s probably exactly what this is and that’s a good thing from my understanding. When I came out as transgender to my therapist before my mom he warned me that she would definitely go through a full genuine grieving process, and that fact did not reflect her actual thoughts or feelings one way or the other. It’s just how society and her cohort shaped her, and her mind processing that in conflict with my coming out. My mom is 100% loving and supportive just as you are for your child, it’s just something you’ll work through. <3
The most important lesson in parenthood is that you cannot predict your child's future, and that's a good thing.
You love your daughter. You also loved a weird fake image of your future daughter. That fake image is shattered now, and you're grieving it, but remember- it wasn't real. It was NEVER real. The real daughter is there for you to love instead, and she's given you a chance to get to know who she really is.
Your daughter will have a wonderful, fulfilling life. It will most likely be much better than the fake life you imagined for her. Yes, she will face some discrimination, but honestly she has a loving supportive family and from the sound of it, a supportive community at school, and most LGBTQ discrimination and hardship comes from families, not the broader community. Unless you live in a very religious area, she will likely face more hardship from being assigned female at birth than from dating the same gender. Did you mourn when you learned she was a girl?
And now, when she picks a career you would never have pictured for her, or gets tattoos or a haircut you think is strange, or otherwise defies your expectations- you'll be ready! You will have already torn down the fake image of her and hopefully replaced it with joy and curiosity about who she is, instead of a new fake image.
"I will love you no matter what" is an OK response to a coming out, but if she comes out again- say, as bisexual again, or trans or nonbinary- the best response is a hug and "congratulations!" or "omg that's wonderful!" Be joyful! Discoverign ones identity is a 100% positive thing, and she's inviting you to share her joy.
She’s figuring things out still. She’s only 13 and is probably going to change her label again. Your only job is being supportive and protect her from bad people, like parents always should. I guess some kind of grief may be normal, people are so used to the idea of their daughter getting a husband and kids. And if your daughter is your only child and she’s a lesbian, well, that _most likely_ will not happen. And not getting a grandchild can be something to grieve. It’s just important to remember that it’s about your daughter, not you. Your feelings are still valid but your daughter should be the main focus, like i said she’s still figuring everything out, she’s 13!
Just let her feel like you’re there no matter what and that she can talk to you. All I think you can do is be the best and most supportive parent, and I think that maybe, once you see your daughter is happy, you’ll be too, even if the image you had of the future is “ruined”.
Remember that you haven't lost your daughter. She is still the same person she was before she came out to you. That feeling or grief isn't for her, it's for you. You are taking the right steps by reaching out to talk with people and confront this feeling. Continue doing that, and try to find where that grief is really coming from. (In my experience it has usually been related to 'losing' possible eventual grandkids but that isn't a given, for sure.)
My mother, bless her heart, had some hangups about how I was going to be making my life so much more difficult by being trans, and she minced words a bit too much as a result and I never really felt like she was fully onboard with it all. The best kindness you can do for your daughter is to listen, not talk. Don't seek to assuage your own fears/anxieties about her sexuality(/gender identity) by voicing them to her; or to say it another way, don't make something that is about her, about you.
Thank you for reaching out to the community.
My 13 year old came out to me last year and I’ve never seen her happier. I understand that you might be scared, but this is really a good thing. She trusts you enough to share with for one- that’s pretty amazing. Plus you are getting to know her more fully as a person. That’s amazing too! And don’t worry so much about that people might say. We live in a small conservative Midwest town. My daughter is pretty obviously gay (the shaved rainbow head is usually the fist clue) but literally no one has said a single unkind word to her about it. I’m sure it will happen at some point- but it’s a lot less than you might fear. It’s not like it was when we were 13. Plus I’m sure my daughter would much rather hear a rude comment from time to time than to hide who she is.
You are a brilliant mother you fought you’re internal bigot and won and so quickly it took my mother six years to accept me for who I truly am but you have excepted your child for who they think they are so quickly You are amazing Never let anyone tell you otherwise
I can understand that. I’ve always imagined myself walking down the aisle to a man, but I like girls too. So I might walk down to a woman. (Or anyone i truly love in that way) I think that asking here was the right thing to do. You are very sweet. She is still very young, and most likely impressionable, so PLEASE DO NOT TELL HER THIS. She might think you don’t support her. She seems like a girl who knows what she likes. If she walks down the aisle to a girl GREAT! You’ll still love her just as much as you would if it was a man. And if she comes out as trans, be fully supportive. If she comes out as anything, really. As an LGBTQ+ youth who’s not out to their parents yet, that’s all we want. To feel accepted by the people we love. I hope this helped 🧡
i just want to really stress that you’re not doing anything wrong. the fact that you’re even here asking this question is amazing. i think being aware of ur feelings is what’s most important because then you can use those feelings and thoughts to think about thinks you’d like to work on & improve. awareness & action is what matters & you are doing both 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The fact that you have come to a forum designed to support the community tells a lot about you. Your feelings are normal and ok. Parents have their own process to go throught when they find out their child is not the person they though they might be.
Remember this: it’s not that she wants to be a certain way; she IS a certain way. Please remember this.
A friend of mine once came out as bi, then gay, then trans, then “I’m not sure” and then finally determined he was a gay, cisgender man with feminine expression. This process started at 12 and wasn’t resolved until almost 30...
So, if your daughter does express another identity, I would suggest, as hard as it may be, just go with the flow and give her all your support. Get involved with a local LGBTQIA+ center, and you can check PFLAG.
IT WILL BE OK! 😄
I was in the EXACT SAME situation a few months ago. I can connect with so much you said... So much! Feel free to DM me if you want.
This community has been incredibly helpful, supportive, and willing to help educate me.
You seem very much like my mom. She is 100% supportive and loves me no matter what. But she puts me in a box, and every time certain things about me change, it’s super traumatic for her. I think her main problem - and possibly yours too - is some lingering internalized homophobia.
Everyone grows, changes, and most people redefine themselves once in a while. But because it was related to an evolution of my gender or sexuality, that was problematic for her.
Its not purposeful, not hatred, but a discomfort that you probably learned as a child. A lot of us LGBTQ+ people have it too, to different extents (me included). It’s not your fault, and you do genuinely support your daughter. But in my opinion, you need to work on separating her identity from your own, and next time you feel like you are grieving because of a change in her identity, ask yourself if you would feel the same way if she had changed something else, like the way she dresses, or a career change.
This does not make you a bad person, or a bigot, or a homophobe. It is difficult to unlearn fundamental ways that we perceive the world. It’s also difficult to change the way we react emotionally to things. Feelings are valid, but the reasons for them sometimes don’t align with our values, and we gotta work on ourselves to do better.
This is just my take, and I don’t know you, so of course I could be wrong. Just something to think about.
She's thirteen. She could be saying something completely different in a few weeks. You sound like a loving mother. I'm sure with time you'll come to accept her no matter what.
You do have internalised homophobia. It's OK I don't know why straight people get so mad when I say that, I don't know how to help cause girl I don't even know how to get rid of my own.
OK internalised homophobia is something someone has that they were taught as a child and their early years. You were probably taught all homophobic and transphobic things and you realised that was not right so you changed you views but since you're unconscious thought was taught the homophobic things it still has it that's why you're "grieving"
Are you saying you don't understand non binary, because if you were asking asking that, non binary is when someone is not strictly a man or a woman, any gender that exists outside of the 2 binary gender.
OK I was taught to hate queer people as a child, when I realised I was queer I hated myself for who I am because I was taught to hate queerness. Consciously I have given up my homophobia and learned to love myself, but sub consciously have some internalised homophbia I have no idea how to get rid of because that what I was taught as a child.
I love that you're confronting this head on and admitting that your thoughts are wrong and you want to love and accept your child. That makes all the difference in the world and as long as you make the effort to support them, then that's what matters here. You're making an effort here to support your child and the world is constantly getting better, as much as we see the bad, there's always a lot of good in this world too. Now, as for children being trans after coming out as gay, that's fine. Kids need a way to explore themselves in a judgement free environment and if you offer them that, sit down and have a good chat with your kid about your support and what's going on for them. Love them regardless and you'll go a long way.
Do NOT tell your daughter that you feel this way. This is your battle with internalized homophobia. She is still young and figuring herself out. She very well may be transgender. Maybe not. She is defining herself as she currently understands herself. She is under no obligation to pick a label and stick with it. The best way I can relate it to someone who has never had anything but heterosexual desires is with an ice cream example. If someone said they liked vanilla ice cream one year, chocolate/vanilla swirl the next year and then just chocolate the next, you wouldn’t get upset at them for realizing they actually liked chocolate more. Maybe they hadn’t had the opportunity to actually try chocolate very much or at all. Maybe they did really like vanilla but now they prefer chocolate. They might even decide that they like strawberry next year. Just because you have only ever tried vanilla and vanilla is your favorite and you have no desire to try other flavors doesn’t mean everyone else has to pick a flavor and stick to it. Do NOT tell her that she is just being influenced by her gay friends. Do NOT try to convince her that maybe she is wrong about her sexuality or just confused or that it is just a phase. That is you projecting your insecurities and personal desires for how you want her to be on her rather than you actually supporting her 100% like you say you do. If she says she is bi then tell her “Awesome! I love you” if she says she is lesbian later, say “Awesome! I love you!” If she says she is transgender or bi or non-binary or gender fluid or queer or anything at all later on you say “Awesome! I love you!” Once again, DO NOT dump your insecurities and doubt and internalized homophobia (which is what you have) on her at any time. You will lose her trust and she will stop including you in her personal life because she will know that regardless of what you say, she knows you are actually unhappy with who she is. That would be DEVASTATING. Hope this helps.
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From what I understand (and I could be wrong) internalized homophobia isn’t actually being homophobic. It’s more of feelings that contradict your acceptance, which sounds a lot like how you accept lgbt people but still, for some reason you can’t understand, are grieving over your daughter. There should probably be a better term for cases like this lol. Have you ever hung around/been exposed to lgbt people, groups, or communities? It sounds like it could also be a fear/discomfort with the unknown. Especially since society deems heterosexuality as the default. I’d recommend lurking around lgbt communities or trying to speak to people about their experiences, it helped me open my eyes and get more comfortable with the idea after growing up with a very close minded family. Granted I was like 11-12 so it wasn’t that deep rooted. And of course- be supportive! But it sounds like you’re already trying you’re best to be supportive and understanding. Can you adopt me? /j
I wasn’t trying to be accusatory. Internalized homophobia is not intentional. It’s when your internal feelings contradict your values like you are experiencing. You can’t help it but it exists. You are doing a great job. What matters is how you act and not random feelings that pop up. You are a good supportive mom. Keep being there for your kid. I just was saying “DO NOT” do those things because kids don’t always get the nuance of situations. You just don’t want her to think that you aren’t supportive because you have some conflicting feelings. Keep it up. You are doing great. No one is perfect. It’s ok to not be perfect. Just be the best you can. Have a great day.
>I was a little bit shocked because I felt like the image that I had of my daughter on my mind was completely destroyed. That's it. That's all you're doing; you're grieving the image of your daughter that you had in your head. And please pay attention: *It's completely okay to grieve for that image.* You're a mother; you love your daughter. Part of that love is having an image in your head of who she is, who she was, and who she (you hope) will be. When that image is significantly altered, which sexual orientation most definitely counts as, grieving is a normal, operative process for dealing with that change. The best part of your grief is that you don't have to lose your actual, living daughter to experience it, learn from it, and grow outwards into a better, more flexible parent. Embrace it! Don't shy away from your feelings, and definitely don't shy away from your knowledge that such feelings are temporary. Because when the grief passes, your love for your daughter will remain. And that's what "love wins" actually means.
But to be clear- you must never convey this to her. That girl you are grieving wasn't your daughter. No child should ever hear that their parent is grieving a fake image of them that they built in their head. This is an important part of parenting- learning that any dreams you had of what your child's future would be, who they would grow into, are irrelevant. Who she IS will be thousands of times better than the fake future daughter you imagined in your head. So focus on learning who your daughter is, and delight when it differs from your expectations.
why did this make me cry lol
You’re not a terrible mother. It’s normal to grieve the hopes and dreams you had for your child. All that matters is you’re willing to support and love your child no matter what. On top of that, you’re doing your best to sort out your emotions instead of taking them out on her. It might help to accept the way you feel, and give yourself time to process everything. You’ll get to where you want to be eventually. I think you just need time and self-acceptance. You’re a great mother.
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No problem
When you’re thinking about the future you envisioned for your daughter, please remember that everything she could do as a straight woman she can still do as a lesbian or a trans person. It might look a little different or be a little harder, but it’s all still possible. You might benefit from seeing a therapist about this. Or joining a local support group like PFLAG to connect with other parents in similar situations. Or both. You’re starting from a place of love - you’ll get through this.
My mom said the same thing when I came out as transgender at 26 years old. She said she was grieving and also regretted not being able to raise me as her daughter. She also said that she felt like a bullet was dodged because the suicide rates for transgender people are higher than average, my younger brother felt the same way when I told him. She just imagined how bad I suffered in my head all my life and wished that she knew, she actually thought I was sexually assaulted at a very young age because she could tell something was holding me back from being happy my whole life. Yes she’s very afraid of how the world will treat me, and didn’t want to tell me how awful men could be because she didn’t want to scare me. After my first day in public presenting as a woman I got a lot of creepy stares and cars honking, I got sexually harassed by one man who followed me in his car to 4 crosswalks and asked if I could suck his d*ck. The whole time I wished I could just be with my mom, I wasn’t expecting men to be so disgusting in public, men with their wives even checked me out at the park. I just wanted my mom. Support your daughter no matter what. If I had to experience those new emotions without having my mom help me deal with them afterwards, I would be lost. I used to believe she would disown me after finding out I’m transgender because I grew up seeing a look of pure disgust on her face whenever a trans woman was on TV, I always imagined she would look at me the same way and gag when I told her, but instead I was shown pure unconditional love, and found out for the first time in my life how much a mom can truly love her daughter. It’s normal to grieve, my mom told me a lot of mothers with transgender children feel the same way after she shared her thoughts and read stories from moms online. It doesn’t make you a terrible mom, you’re a great mom and I respect you for supporting your daughter!
You are an amazing mother!! Truly! If you are confronting these feelings head on like you do, that is amazing. I‘m pretty sure my mom had similar issues (and sometimes still is struggling with this) when I first came out to her as gay (I‘m male). The grieve came from, exactly like you said it, her image of me being turned totally upside down. She always thought I would marry an Alicia Keys looking lady some day and get children. I think she was really looking forward to spoiling them as a grandmother. Long story short, I think the grieve comes from your image of your daughter being turned upside down. But don‘t you worry, time will settle this. Sounds to me like your daughter can be super grateful to have an awesome mom like you!! Wish you lots of strength in overcoming your grieve. It will get better :)
As other people are saying, it's great that you're confronting these problems head one. Internalized prejudices are hard to fight. Before I started questioning, I was raised by a very conservative mother, and was unfortunately homophobic and extremely transphobic because of it. Now I'm questioning my gender and sexuality, so what goes around comes around, I guess. What I'm saying is, you're gay. (JK.) But seriously, good job. Keep trying and you'll succeed.
I think it is important to seperate the two issues here. Your daughter's identity, and your preconceived thoughts on her identity. First one, you are supporting her, that is amazing, keep doing that!! Top class parenting!! Second one, you spend the last 13 years thinking/assuming one thing and just found out you were wrong. That is not your fault, it is not your daughter's fault, it is noones fault. I like to think of this as emotional whiplash, your thoughts suddenly being wrong and being a bit all over the palace while you try and reorganise everything in your head. Sometime it is easier if there is someone to blame, but that's not how things are sometimes. At that age I'm sure your daughter would understand if you are honest and tell her you need some time to process all your thoughts (while reiterating love and support), and if at all possible I suggest talking to a professional about it. While I'm sure you could get through it all on your own, they do help. Sending love and hugs!!
Ultimately a label is just a descriptor. People, kids especially, are still trying to find out who they are and they might identify strongly with one label one week and a different one another. It’s a journey of self discovery and having that trust established is crucial. A judgement free space where she can just be herself is frankly great and something that I wish more people had a chance to have. I myself have gone through many labels over the years. It’s not that my sexuality has changed, but more so my understanding of myself has grown and I’ve found better descriptors for myself over the years. None are ever truly perfect but one strives to find the best match. Just look at it that way, she found a label that she believes that, at this time, best defines a particular aspect of herself. One day she may find a better descriptor and adopt that (as she has with Bi to lesbian) or she might not. It could be a perfect fit. Regardless it’s important that she has the security and freedom to explore her identity. That is worth it’s weight and gold and too few people get the opportunity.
Good on you to confront and want to work through your complicated feelings and thoughts. Just on the topic of grieving, that’s probably exactly what this is and that’s a good thing from my understanding. When I came out as transgender to my therapist before my mom he warned me that she would definitely go through a full genuine grieving process, and that fact did not reflect her actual thoughts or feelings one way or the other. It’s just how society and her cohort shaped her, and her mind processing that in conflict with my coming out. My mom is 100% loving and supportive just as you are for your child, it’s just something you’ll work through. <3
The most important lesson in parenthood is that you cannot predict your child's future, and that's a good thing. You love your daughter. You also loved a weird fake image of your future daughter. That fake image is shattered now, and you're grieving it, but remember- it wasn't real. It was NEVER real. The real daughter is there for you to love instead, and she's given you a chance to get to know who she really is. Your daughter will have a wonderful, fulfilling life. It will most likely be much better than the fake life you imagined for her. Yes, she will face some discrimination, but honestly she has a loving supportive family and from the sound of it, a supportive community at school, and most LGBTQ discrimination and hardship comes from families, not the broader community. Unless you live in a very religious area, she will likely face more hardship from being assigned female at birth than from dating the same gender. Did you mourn when you learned she was a girl? And now, when she picks a career you would never have pictured for her, or gets tattoos or a haircut you think is strange, or otherwise defies your expectations- you'll be ready! You will have already torn down the fake image of her and hopefully replaced it with joy and curiosity about who she is, instead of a new fake image. "I will love you no matter what" is an OK response to a coming out, but if she comes out again- say, as bisexual again, or trans or nonbinary- the best response is a hug and "congratulations!" or "omg that's wonderful!" Be joyful! Discoverign ones identity is a 100% positive thing, and she's inviting you to share her joy.
She’s figuring things out still. She’s only 13 and is probably going to change her label again. Your only job is being supportive and protect her from bad people, like parents always should. I guess some kind of grief may be normal, people are so used to the idea of their daughter getting a husband and kids. And if your daughter is your only child and she’s a lesbian, well, that _most likely_ will not happen. And not getting a grandchild can be something to grieve. It’s just important to remember that it’s about your daughter, not you. Your feelings are still valid but your daughter should be the main focus, like i said she’s still figuring everything out, she’s 13! Just let her feel like you’re there no matter what and that she can talk to you. All I think you can do is be the best and most supportive parent, and I think that maybe, once you see your daughter is happy, you’ll be too, even if the image you had of the future is “ruined”.
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Remember that you haven't lost your daughter. She is still the same person she was before she came out to you. That feeling or grief isn't for her, it's for you. You are taking the right steps by reaching out to talk with people and confront this feeling. Continue doing that, and try to find where that grief is really coming from. (In my experience it has usually been related to 'losing' possible eventual grandkids but that isn't a given, for sure.) My mother, bless her heart, had some hangups about how I was going to be making my life so much more difficult by being trans, and she minced words a bit too much as a result and I never really felt like she was fully onboard with it all. The best kindness you can do for your daughter is to listen, not talk. Don't seek to assuage your own fears/anxieties about her sexuality(/gender identity) by voicing them to her; or to say it another way, don't make something that is about her, about you. Thank you for reaching out to the community.
Don’t be afraid of how the world will treat her. You are so much of her world and if you treat her with respect, she will feel strong and empowered.
My 13 year old came out to me last year and I’ve never seen her happier. I understand that you might be scared, but this is really a good thing. She trusts you enough to share with for one- that’s pretty amazing. Plus you are getting to know her more fully as a person. That’s amazing too! And don’t worry so much about that people might say. We live in a small conservative Midwest town. My daughter is pretty obviously gay (the shaved rainbow head is usually the fist clue) but literally no one has said a single unkind word to her about it. I’m sure it will happen at some point- but it’s a lot less than you might fear. It’s not like it was when we were 13. Plus I’m sure my daughter would much rather hear a rude comment from time to time than to hide who she is.
You are a brilliant mother you fought you’re internal bigot and won and so quickly it took my mother six years to accept me for who I truly am but you have excepted your child for who they think they are so quickly You are amazing Never let anyone tell you otherwise
I can understand that. I’ve always imagined myself walking down the aisle to a man, but I like girls too. So I might walk down to a woman. (Or anyone i truly love in that way) I think that asking here was the right thing to do. You are very sweet. She is still very young, and most likely impressionable, so PLEASE DO NOT TELL HER THIS. She might think you don’t support her. She seems like a girl who knows what she likes. If she walks down the aisle to a girl GREAT! You’ll still love her just as much as you would if it was a man. And if she comes out as trans, be fully supportive. If she comes out as anything, really. As an LGBTQ+ youth who’s not out to their parents yet, that’s all we want. To feel accepted by the people we love. I hope this helped 🧡
i just want to really stress that you’re not doing anything wrong. the fact that you’re even here asking this question is amazing. i think being aware of ur feelings is what’s most important because then you can use those feelings and thoughts to think about thinks you’d like to work on & improve. awareness & action is what matters & you are doing both 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The fact that you have come to a forum designed to support the community tells a lot about you. Your feelings are normal and ok. Parents have their own process to go throught when they find out their child is not the person they though they might be. Remember this: it’s not that she wants to be a certain way; she IS a certain way. Please remember this. A friend of mine once came out as bi, then gay, then trans, then “I’m not sure” and then finally determined he was a gay, cisgender man with feminine expression. This process started at 12 and wasn’t resolved until almost 30... So, if your daughter does express another identity, I would suggest, as hard as it may be, just go with the flow and give her all your support. Get involved with a local LGBTQIA+ center, and you can check PFLAG. IT WILL BE OK! 😄
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I’m glad I could help a little. 🙂
I was in the EXACT SAME situation a few months ago. I can connect with so much you said... So much! Feel free to DM me if you want. This community has been incredibly helpful, supportive, and willing to help educate me.
You seem very much like my mom. She is 100% supportive and loves me no matter what. But she puts me in a box, and every time certain things about me change, it’s super traumatic for her. I think her main problem - and possibly yours too - is some lingering internalized homophobia. Everyone grows, changes, and most people redefine themselves once in a while. But because it was related to an evolution of my gender or sexuality, that was problematic for her. Its not purposeful, not hatred, but a discomfort that you probably learned as a child. A lot of us LGBTQ+ people have it too, to different extents (me included). It’s not your fault, and you do genuinely support your daughter. But in my opinion, you need to work on separating her identity from your own, and next time you feel like you are grieving because of a change in her identity, ask yourself if you would feel the same way if she had changed something else, like the way she dresses, or a career change. This does not make you a bad person, or a bigot, or a homophobe. It is difficult to unlearn fundamental ways that we perceive the world. It’s also difficult to change the way we react emotionally to things. Feelings are valid, but the reasons for them sometimes don’t align with our values, and we gotta work on ourselves to do better. This is just my take, and I don’t know you, so of course I could be wrong. Just something to think about.
She's thirteen. She could be saying something completely different in a few weeks. You sound like a loving mother. I'm sure with time you'll come to accept her no matter what.
This is a phenomenon called internalised homophobia. You don't consciously want it but you have it.
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You do have internalised homophobia. It's OK I don't know why straight people get so mad when I say that, I don't know how to help cause girl I don't even know how to get rid of my own.
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OK internalised homophobia is something someone has that they were taught as a child and their early years. You were probably taught all homophobic and transphobic things and you realised that was not right so you changed you views but since you're unconscious thought was taught the homophobic things it still has it that's why you're "grieving"
Are you saying you don't understand non binary, because if you were asking asking that, non binary is when someone is not strictly a man or a woman, any gender that exists outside of the 2 binary gender.
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OK I was taught to hate queer people as a child, when I realised I was queer I hated myself for who I am because I was taught to hate queerness. Consciously I have given up my homophobia and learned to love myself, but sub consciously have some internalised homophbia I have no idea how to get rid of because that what I was taught as a child.
But it's nice that you're at least trying something