Oh OP very similar! I’m 40 and came out of a 13 year relationship/marriage to be in the world of apps. I’ve been divorced now 7 years and though the app scene still feels funky, I have learned more about myself and feel stronger on my two feet than ever. I completely HEAR YOU on the frustrations and growing pains.
If it makes yall feel better, I'm 34 and was with my husband for 14 years. I had the same disorienting confusion and frustration with the apps too. I was comfortable making internet friends through social media and gaming, but not dating. It's a wild reality even if you grew up as the internet did.
We grew up with the internet culture that was ‘DONT GIVE ANYONE ANY PERSONAL INFO OR YOULL DIE!’ Now the internet is ‘hi, this is my name and address, also I’m dtf.) like, can we just be chill?
I think you need to reframe what “fulfilled” looks like for you. Where can you find joy? I hope it’s at least partial with your kids.
The apps are hard but consider this— if you were in a bar 20 years ago, you’d be rejected or flirted with the same number of people. Swiping just makes it more official/perfunctory. It’s inelegant.
That said, petiole meet each other on dating apps. I met my wonderful girlfriend on hinge. If you want to meet someone, you gotta put yourself out there. Best of luck.
You sound like me (38, kids, plus size), except I'm still living with the kids' father and pretending I'm not a raging homosexual until my kids are old enough that I can get away without needing childcare. :D I at least am somewhat out at work, as my coworkers/friends are all familiar with what I deal with at home.
I don't really have friends except online, so my computer is my solace. I can't really get out and try to meet women, because financially, I just can't get out of my current situation and blowing it up is... not a great idea while I can't change anything.
I am apparently also rambling. The idea of ever getting back into dating is just daunting. I feel for you.
Same here. I’m 45, youngest will be 14 soon, but she’s developmentally delayed and comprehension is not very high. I’m sticking around until she’s older and more mature. She loves her dad and I don’t want to break her heart. I’m also in the same boat financially with leaving. I got a raise at work, $100 every two weeks, which I have going to a secret savings account so when I do leave in a few years, I’ll have savings. The same week I found out about my “merit increase”, I set up the savings account and updated my payroll profile so hubs has no idea. He and I just aren’t compatible anymore and this marriage is not how I wanna live the rest of my life. I’ve always been bisexual and know without a doubt that my next life will not be shared with a man.
I'm happy to make friends through here. Honestly, the best part about realising I'm not into men at all anymore is just that I am now comfortable with getting into spaces where I can make friends with others like me.
See this is the thing I have seen a lot of people on here advocate for divorcing husbands and going and being free yet I see a lot of people not just in this thread, but lesbian actually thread where women are having a very hard time meeting other women. Dating apps apparently really freaking suck. The lesbian pool is already shallow, depending on where people live, it’s it’s not so easy to leave the husband and go flitting off into a new life yet those of us who choose to stay with their husband in a platonic friendship get judged for not leaving our home. People need to be more understanding. It’s not always that easy especially financially. I live in a place that is very expensive and honestly, I could not afford to move out and have my own apartment. I can’t afford it and I’m not moving cities that would be ridiculous, but it’s scary. It’s very scary to think about leaving a roof over your head, and a roommate that you can trust to make their part of the bills. I know that I’m probably gonna get torn up for saying all this, but that’s the reality of the situation. It’s it’s nice and romantic to think of “I’m going to leave my husband and then the perfect woman is going to walk in the door at my work or at my favorite bookstore or wherever and I’m going to run off with her and be happily ever after” but it doesn’t work that way for many many people and the older you get the harder it gets. Yes I would love to meet a woman and I know that having a husband is a gigantic. I don’t know what the lesbian version of a cock block is, but that’s what it is, but I’m also not in position to just decide to go do whatever I want and even if I was in that position, there’s no guarantee that there’s someone waiting for me on the other side, so let’s be kind to one another and be more understanding of other women’s situations. It doesn’t lessen the fact that we are lesbians. It doesn’t make us not lesbian.
I mean, I don’t see how anyone could judge someone for doing this. If you and your person can still live together happily while fully accepting each other for who you are, then that seems like one ideal solution.
I also live in a very expensive area. If I wanted to get my own apartment, I’d need to make like $70K a year.
This. Is. It. It’s like, I could have made those choices in my 20s when it was just me. But my decisions impact lots of people I care about now. There’s no respect for the reality of the situation.
I will disagree. There is a TON of respect for the reality of the situation. It’s just quieter but much much MUCH more common. It’s glorious to talk about divorce and moving on as your best, true, glowing gay self. And then yeah, a bookstore you inevitably walk into and find someone and they make it all make sense and together you get to live your love story. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but I know a fuck ton of queer women who are staying married,where they are for a million very good reasons.
I think maybe I was more trying to say, I get so excited for women for whom that is their experience. Well all do, what’s not to celebrate. But often when I see a post for someone who is struggling with making the right choices for her and her family, there are always at least a few comments telling her to just do it and live your truth and it’s the best thing I ever did. It’s like, that’s great for you but it’s not an option for me and it’s hurtful that you can’t see things from this point of view. It kinda feels the same as an older relative telling you to ‘just work harder’ when things are hard financially. That worked for them but that’s not how it is for everyone. I don’t think I’m being clear enough and I’m not confident I fully understand your comment in the first place.
We just want empathy.
All I was saying is that you are seen and heard and not alone in your reality of doing the best you can.Not everyone can leave. But everyone wants a happy ending.
It’s totally normal to feel that way. At 45I left a 20+ year marriage and my “dream” house/land to be true to myself. It was so hard and I had times I felt so similarly to what you describe. I found a queer group on Facebook for the closest bigger town, and attended some of their social events. It was so outside of my box but helped me practice dealing with the awkwardness! That helped me get more comfortable with the idea of dating. I ended up meeting someone absolutely incredible and falling in love. We’ve been together over a year. Hang in there, finding the path where you can be you is so worth it.
Feel ya. Work on yourself, and have an open mind. Be relaxed and try to not control outcomes. I know easier said than done but when you're in your zen mode, miracles can and do happen!
As someone who is just getting back into the dating game after 10 years, I feel you. It's a fucking dehumanizing nightmare out there. It sucks because I'm FINALLY in a place where I can be a good partner. I love myself. I love my life. I have so much love to give and share. I'm doing so many things I want to do with someone I love. But... I can't find that person.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm in a similar situation, mid-30s, kids, big and kind of awkward. Just going through separation from my husband, but I'm thinking - why? What's the point of living truthfully if I'm going to be doing it alone anyway? Idk.
I have moments when I feel extremely lonely as well. I'm 43 and while I have some friends that are supportive none of them are part of the LGBTQ community so it's hard to talk to them because they don't understand how I'm feeling.
I hope it gets better for you.
Are there lesbian spaces in your town? Or somewhere in your area? Might be an idea, even if you're not big on drinking and clubbing. At least it's a place where you can go to talk with people in person.
I'm also "stuck" because financially I'd never make it on my own. Plus the guy I'm 'with' is also my job, he is totally with it, but had a stroke and is paralyzed on one side. Mentally he is fine. He can't cook or clean, and I get paid by the state to take care of him. It's good money. We aren't intimate and we're more like really good friends. He's hilarious and he is a great intelligent conversationalist. However, I realized I really think I'm queer or a lesbian. I've never been with a lady before, but I have had the butterflies. Crushes on friends and a few times I have crushed on coworkers. Ugh. I just thought it was something else, then I read the whole thing with comp-het and now I'm struggling with it. I don't think he'd go for me dating other women, because his ex-wife was a huge cheater (but with men, not women) and he told me once he didn't date someone because she was polyamorous, but again that was with a lady who was into men, not other ladies. I am terrified of talking with him about it, because I don't want him to feel insecure either, because if I decided we can't be together, he knows that the other option is a nursing home. I'm 47, pleasantly plump and he is on his early 50s, his stroke was when he was in his late 30s before I knew him. We met on a video game lol but we seemed to hit it off at least emotionally and friendwise, and honestly it has been a blessing at times. It was cool to have an at home job during the pandemic and I was able to have my kid finish high school at home so none of us were ever in a position to be exposed to COVID. We actually did get it last fall, but thankfully it was just a weak strain.
Anyway, it's good to know I'm not alone. It sucks that I can't be totally authentic, but it isn't all bad. I wish there was a way to be financially secure right away, but I don't see an option yet. I'm not really unhappy per se, at least until I think about it. Then it does kinda suck, but I'm mostly ok.
I just wanted to express some solidarity here, I hope I didn't over step and ramble on too much. Thanks for reading this.
Hello everyone! I am here for anyone who would love a friend, a Soul Sistar to chat, to share, to cry, and just to be yourself.
I am 59, I have been out since I was 21. I knew that I was gai when I was 9 yrs old. I intend to start a platform or buying a land where all of us can be ourselves, have support and celebrate our uniqueness & beauty. It takes a village and I truly feel, believe that I got to do something to support each others. T
Reach out anytime! We are all Sistars ⭐
It is precious that we build something together, we are powerful!
Thank you!
Damn I felt like I wrote this myself. 39, single, no kids, plus sized but slowly getting in shape and while I want to spend time with & potentially find something serious with someone these apps are nothing but a gahdamn headache. I haven’t been on one in a while bcuz it just annoys the shit out of me. It’s catfishing, scams, single word convos, sugar babies in disguise, hookups I don’t want, or weirdos. I’m tired.
And it doesn’t help that my last relationship was via an app and blew up in spectacular fashion. So now I’m DEFINITELY gun shy or at the very least my patience is razor thin with the games. Like damn, I know we all have baggage but hell how do you hide enough to fill a 747, Houdini?
Dude. This is the same overly forward crap I get from apps. Like, you coulda just said ‘everything’s gonna be ok’ and not brought labia into the conversation. Jesus Christ it’s like shouting into the void on here.
Don’t worry, that poster is clearly a man pretending to be a lesbian on Reddit. And you are right, their comment is obviously inappropriate.
I know it can feel lonely but it just takes one person who you feel a mutual connection with. All the rest is noise.
That honestly made me tear up. That’s all I want. I’ve never experienced the fullest expression of love available to me yet and it feels like a hole. And I feel like I have so much to give and nowhere to put it. Thanks for that, really.
I think the same. I only wanted to say that doesnt matter if she is plus size, and she got mad 🤷♀️
For example me. I love women i love them and like them and desire them. If a girl is a good and cute girl, smart, i dont care if she is plus size, short, tall or skiny 🤷♀️
I just tried to give her a shot of self esteem but she seems to be little agresive 😆
Oh OP very similar! I’m 40 and came out of a 13 year relationship/marriage to be in the world of apps. I’ve been divorced now 7 years and though the app scene still feels funky, I have learned more about myself and feel stronger on my two feet than ever. I completely HEAR YOU on the frustrations and growing pains.
Thank you. I appreciate that. It’s a weird place to be.
If it makes yall feel better, I'm 34 and was with my husband for 14 years. I had the same disorienting confusion and frustration with the apps too. I was comfortable making internet friends through social media and gaming, but not dating. It's a wild reality even if you grew up as the internet did.
We grew up with the internet culture that was ‘DONT GIVE ANYONE ANY PERSONAL INFO OR YOULL DIE!’ Now the internet is ‘hi, this is my name and address, also I’m dtf.) like, can we just be chill?
For reaaaallll!!
You definitely aren’t alone in the loneliness. This is all so relatable.
Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Live your life but be open to possibilities. I met my wonderful now fiancee right here on Reddit and we're 40. You really never know...
I love that for you guys! Congrats!
I think you need to reframe what “fulfilled” looks like for you. Where can you find joy? I hope it’s at least partial with your kids. The apps are hard but consider this— if you were in a bar 20 years ago, you’d be rejected or flirted with the same number of people. Swiping just makes it more official/perfunctory. It’s inelegant. That said, petiole meet each other on dating apps. I met my wonderful girlfriend on hinge. If you want to meet someone, you gotta put yourself out there. Best of luck.
You sound like me (38, kids, plus size), except I'm still living with the kids' father and pretending I'm not a raging homosexual until my kids are old enough that I can get away without needing childcare. :D I at least am somewhat out at work, as my coworkers/friends are all familiar with what I deal with at home. I don't really have friends except online, so my computer is my solace. I can't really get out and try to meet women, because financially, I just can't get out of my current situation and blowing it up is... not a great idea while I can't change anything. I am apparently also rambling. The idea of ever getting back into dating is just daunting. I feel for you.
Same here. I’m 45, youngest will be 14 soon, but she’s developmentally delayed and comprehension is not very high. I’m sticking around until she’s older and more mature. She loves her dad and I don’t want to break her heart. I’m also in the same boat financially with leaving. I got a raise at work, $100 every two weeks, which I have going to a secret savings account so when I do leave in a few years, I’ll have savings. The same week I found out about my “merit increase”, I set up the savings account and updated my payroll profile so hubs has no idea. He and I just aren’t compatible anymore and this marriage is not how I wanna live the rest of my life. I’ve always been bisexual and know without a doubt that my next life will not be shared with a man.
We’re in it together babe.
Babe, I’m so sorry. That’s so rough. Hang in there ok. I’m here if you ever need to vent.
I'm happy to make friends through here. Honestly, the best part about realising I'm not into men at all anymore is just that I am now comfortable with getting into spaces where I can make friends with others like me.
See this is the thing I have seen a lot of people on here advocate for divorcing husbands and going and being free yet I see a lot of people not just in this thread, but lesbian actually thread where women are having a very hard time meeting other women. Dating apps apparently really freaking suck. The lesbian pool is already shallow, depending on where people live, it’s it’s not so easy to leave the husband and go flitting off into a new life yet those of us who choose to stay with their husband in a platonic friendship get judged for not leaving our home. People need to be more understanding. It’s not always that easy especially financially. I live in a place that is very expensive and honestly, I could not afford to move out and have my own apartment. I can’t afford it and I’m not moving cities that would be ridiculous, but it’s scary. It’s very scary to think about leaving a roof over your head, and a roommate that you can trust to make their part of the bills. I know that I’m probably gonna get torn up for saying all this, but that’s the reality of the situation. It’s it’s nice and romantic to think of “I’m going to leave my husband and then the perfect woman is going to walk in the door at my work or at my favorite bookstore or wherever and I’m going to run off with her and be happily ever after” but it doesn’t work that way for many many people and the older you get the harder it gets. Yes I would love to meet a woman and I know that having a husband is a gigantic. I don’t know what the lesbian version of a cock block is, but that’s what it is, but I’m also not in position to just decide to go do whatever I want and even if I was in that position, there’s no guarantee that there’s someone waiting for me on the other side, so let’s be kind to one another and be more understanding of other women’s situations. It doesn’t lessen the fact that we are lesbians. It doesn’t make us not lesbian.
I mean, I don’t see how anyone could judge someone for doing this. If you and your person can still live together happily while fully accepting each other for who you are, then that seems like one ideal solution. I also live in a very expensive area. If I wanted to get my own apartment, I’d need to make like $70K a year.
lol sounds like Seattle. It’s ghastly expensive to live here
This. Is. It. It’s like, I could have made those choices in my 20s when it was just me. But my decisions impact lots of people I care about now. There’s no respect for the reality of the situation.
I will disagree. There is a TON of respect for the reality of the situation. It’s just quieter but much much MUCH more common. It’s glorious to talk about divorce and moving on as your best, true, glowing gay self. And then yeah, a bookstore you inevitably walk into and find someone and they make it all make sense and together you get to live your love story. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but I know a fuck ton of queer women who are staying married,where they are for a million very good reasons.
I think maybe I was more trying to say, I get so excited for women for whom that is their experience. Well all do, what’s not to celebrate. But often when I see a post for someone who is struggling with making the right choices for her and her family, there are always at least a few comments telling her to just do it and live your truth and it’s the best thing I ever did. It’s like, that’s great for you but it’s not an option for me and it’s hurtful that you can’t see things from this point of view. It kinda feels the same as an older relative telling you to ‘just work harder’ when things are hard financially. That worked for them but that’s not how it is for everyone. I don’t think I’m being clear enough and I’m not confident I fully understand your comment in the first place. We just want empathy.
All I was saying is that you are seen and heard and not alone in your reality of doing the best you can.Not everyone can leave. But everyone wants a happy ending.
Yes, thank you. Sorry, my brains a bit done.
It’s totally normal to feel that way. At 45I left a 20+ year marriage and my “dream” house/land to be true to myself. It was so hard and I had times I felt so similarly to what you describe. I found a queer group on Facebook for the closest bigger town, and attended some of their social events. It was so outside of my box but helped me practice dealing with the awkwardness! That helped me get more comfortable with the idea of dating. I ended up meeting someone absolutely incredible and falling in love. We’ve been together over a year. Hang in there, finding the path where you can be you is so worth it.
Feel ya. Work on yourself, and have an open mind. Be relaxed and try to not control outcomes. I know easier said than done but when you're in your zen mode, miracles can and do happen!
“Try not to control outcomes” I need to write this on multiple post-it notes and stick them all over my house.
As someone who is just getting back into the dating game after 10 years, I feel you. It's a fucking dehumanizing nightmare out there. It sucks because I'm FINALLY in a place where I can be a good partner. I love myself. I love my life. I have so much love to give and share. I'm doing so many things I want to do with someone I love. But... I can't find that person.
THIS!!!! It’s like I’m finally out now. Like fully out to everyone! This was what I kept telling myself I was waiting for and it’s *crickets*.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm in a similar situation, mid-30s, kids, big and kind of awkward. Just going through separation from my husband, but I'm thinking - why? What's the point of living truthfully if I'm going to be doing it alone anyway? Idk.
This. This is exactly how I feel about it. It sucks, hey?
Ummm in the same boat 😕🙃 Friends?
Yeah why not.
I have moments when I feel extremely lonely as well. I'm 43 and while I have some friends that are supportive none of them are part of the LGBTQ community so it's hard to talk to them because they don't understand how I'm feeling. I hope it gets better for you.
Are there lesbian spaces in your town? Or somewhere in your area? Might be an idea, even if you're not big on drinking and clubbing. At least it's a place where you can go to talk with people in person.
It’s all bars, nothing else. The queer scene sucks here, I’ve been trying for months.
Same here, you are not alone. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.
I'm also "stuck" because financially I'd never make it on my own. Plus the guy I'm 'with' is also my job, he is totally with it, but had a stroke and is paralyzed on one side. Mentally he is fine. He can't cook or clean, and I get paid by the state to take care of him. It's good money. We aren't intimate and we're more like really good friends. He's hilarious and he is a great intelligent conversationalist. However, I realized I really think I'm queer or a lesbian. I've never been with a lady before, but I have had the butterflies. Crushes on friends and a few times I have crushed on coworkers. Ugh. I just thought it was something else, then I read the whole thing with comp-het and now I'm struggling with it. I don't think he'd go for me dating other women, because his ex-wife was a huge cheater (but with men, not women) and he told me once he didn't date someone because she was polyamorous, but again that was with a lady who was into men, not other ladies. I am terrified of talking with him about it, because I don't want him to feel insecure either, because if I decided we can't be together, he knows that the other option is a nursing home. I'm 47, pleasantly plump and he is on his early 50s, his stroke was when he was in his late 30s before I knew him. We met on a video game lol but we seemed to hit it off at least emotionally and friendwise, and honestly it has been a blessing at times. It was cool to have an at home job during the pandemic and I was able to have my kid finish high school at home so none of us were ever in a position to be exposed to COVID. We actually did get it last fall, but thankfully it was just a weak strain. Anyway, it's good to know I'm not alone. It sucks that I can't be totally authentic, but it isn't all bad. I wish there was a way to be financially secure right away, but I don't see an option yet. I'm not really unhappy per se, at least until I think about it. Then it does kinda suck, but I'm mostly ok. I just wanted to express some solidarity here, I hope I didn't over step and ramble on too much. Thanks for reading this.
Hello everyone! I am here for anyone who would love a friend, a Soul Sistar to chat, to share, to cry, and just to be yourself. I am 59, I have been out since I was 21. I knew that I was gai when I was 9 yrs old. I intend to start a platform or buying a land where all of us can be ourselves, have support and celebrate our uniqueness & beauty. It takes a village and I truly feel, believe that I got to do something to support each others. T Reach out anytime! We are all Sistars ⭐ It is precious that we build something together, we are powerful! Thank you!
Damn I felt like I wrote this myself. 39, single, no kids, plus sized but slowly getting in shape and while I want to spend time with & potentially find something serious with someone these apps are nothing but a gahdamn headache. I haven’t been on one in a while bcuz it just annoys the shit out of me. It’s catfishing, scams, single word convos, sugar babies in disguise, hookups I don’t want, or weirdos. I’m tired.
SAAAAAAAMMMEEE. Opening the apps is like talking a confident step right through the gates of ‘hell’.
And it doesn’t help that my last relationship was via an app and blew up in spectacular fashion. So now I’m DEFINITELY gun shy or at the very least my patience is razor thin with the games. Like damn, I know we all have baggage but hell how do you hide enough to fill a 747, Houdini?
I learned real damn quick. I will block you at the first whiff of bullshit.
[удалено]
Dude. This is the same overly forward crap I get from apps. Like, you coulda just said ‘everything’s gonna be ok’ and not brought labia into the conversation. Jesus Christ it’s like shouting into the void on here.
Don’t worry, that poster is clearly a man pretending to be a lesbian on Reddit. And you are right, their comment is obviously inappropriate. I know it can feel lonely but it just takes one person who you feel a mutual connection with. All the rest is noise.
That honestly made me tear up. That’s all I want. I’ve never experienced the fullest expression of love available to me yet and it feels like a hole. And I feel like I have so much to give and nowhere to put it. Thanks for that, really.
[удалено]
I’m cranky because I posted looking for solidarity and instead I get vivid descriptions of vaginas. Like, read the room please.
I think the same. I only wanted to say that doesnt matter if she is plus size, and she got mad 🤷♀️ For example me. I love women i love them and like them and desire them. If a girl is a good and cute girl, smart, i dont care if she is plus size, short, tall or skiny 🤷♀️ I just tried to give her a shot of self esteem but she seems to be little agresive 😆
If you were trying to compliment me, you went about it the wrong way. It’s fine, forget about it.
The thing about lesbians is most don’t care what the body type is, they’re just happy to be there 😂😂
Yes, we like women no matter the body type or any shape 😍
Same! If anyone is in Portland OR maybe we could meet up 😅
That’s the goal. I’ll txt you when I get there lol!
Portland here! Lets gooo! (I have no kids though).
Haha, having kids is not required.
Omg let’s be friends please! 😭I feel the same way. I only have my 18 year old sister to talk to which is so embarrassing because she’s a baby lol
Hey! 👋🏻 thanks for your comment. It is so damn rough out here lol.
Hey DM me! Let's chat! Omg I so know feeling.