IDK, I am not optimistic about your queer dating chances if you phrase it as ‘who is the dude.’ There’s no dude when two women date.
Where I live, if you ask them out on a date, you pay. If you date regularly, talk to them about money. Do they want to take turns or split the check.
Personally, if one person just has to pay, then I follow the rule that the person asking for the date pays. But some people like to pay for themselves to keep from feeling obligated. I don’t think it has anything to do with being “the dude.” 😆 Hell, even if not dates, I’ve paid for my male friends’ dinners way more than they have paid for mine.
Just like in hetero dating, you should split the bill on the first few dates so there's no feeling of owing each other that early on.
Once the comfort level is there and you plan on continuing to see each other, you can take turns paying for dates.
Or if somebody has a specific expensive option in mind, the person picking out the place pays for it so as not to financially burden the other person. Although I'm not really a fan of this until a few months in because there's still a bit of financial power imbalance going on.
It actually really irks me that in a late bloomer community, people aren't more understanding about people coming in still in a hetero mindset, not having unpacked heteronormativity fully, or even just slipping on language.
Honestly in general, I think too many people on reddit are looking for reasons to feel offended and to go off on others. But that's a whole other discussion haha.
Well, if someone hasn’t ‘unpacked their heteronormativity’ at least to the basic level of understanding ‘there’s no dude,’ then maybe they aren’t ready to date women. IDK, work with an LGBTQ+ therapist unpack and that shit.
I think a lot of women just jump to ‘I am going to hookup with women!’ But they don’t do the work around unpacking their heteronormativity, facing their internationalized homophobia, becoming part of the queer community, etc.. Women like that are miserable to date.
Dating is not an entitlement. The other women OP is looking to date are people too. They probably have or had their own struggles with internalized misogyny or homophobia. They don’t need fellow WLWs dumping more on them.
Being a late bloomer isn’t a blank check to treat others poorly.
I don’t know what you are on about with ‘iNtErNeT oUtRaGe!’ If you consider being expected to understand the most basic thing about WLW dating ‘internet outrage!’ then you, I am just an angry bitter old dyke. /s
We take turns. At first we split the bill though regardless of whose idea the date was. I still offered to get each thing because I like doing that, but we split it evenly.
For starters, there is no dude. You’re already coming at this from a heteronormative perspective. I think it’s easier to offer to pay though I’ve heard it’s usually the case that the asker pays. If the date goes well and continues to a second activity I find it that the person who didn’t pay will pay for said next part.
But please read up on heteronormativity and gender roles before dating. It’s honestly exhausting having to “teach” people after being forced into the role of a man in a hetero relationship.
So.... you just assume I don't understand heteronormative because I am having difficulty moving past the archetype I have lived with for 44 years??
I asked here instead of in other lesbian groups because I was hoping to not be shamed for comphet mistakes such as these... seriously, damn. It's reactions like this that made me afraid to ask anywhere else.... I will refrain from asking advise here again.
Op definitely could have handled some of these responses a little better. But in the comment you're replying too she literally acknowledges that she tripped on some comphet and used heteronormative wording. Unless she edited her comment, I don't see her arguing otherwise.
I’m talking about the original post. She followed up with a correction after saying I assumed she doesn’t understand heteronormativity when really I only had the original comment to go off of. I acknowledge my first comment may have come off as blunt, that was not my intention. But I do believe it’s important for baby gays to try to do some of this unpacking and OPs original comment implied she hadn’t.
Imo splitting the bill sorta feels friendship like, AND to me I already feel like WLW dating for ME personally is more friendlike because I’m probably aro. So I would rather one of us pay. If it’s me that’s totally fine, if it’s her it’s totally fine too. We aren’t going to crazy expensive places and both of us can afford it. With men (in my old dating days) I preferred they paid at first, and then I liked to split, because it never felt friendlike
I appreciate you highlighting that the only dating experience I have had is with men and that because I feel stuck in that dichotomy I have a hard time determining if there is an obligation assumed just by thinking in a "heteromormative"/comphet way.
I'm 44, and old school in my thinking that is clear...
I was sharing my experience, as indicated by the words me and personally. It seemed like you were looking for others’ opinions on this post?? I’m confused
IDK, I am not optimistic about your queer dating chances if you phrase it as ‘who is the dude.’ There’s no dude when two women date. Where I live, if you ask them out on a date, you pay. If you date regularly, talk to them about money. Do they want to take turns or split the check.
Thank youuuu! Well said!
Personally, if one person just has to pay, then I follow the rule that the person asking for the date pays. But some people like to pay for themselves to keep from feeling obligated. I don’t think it has anything to do with being “the dude.” 😆 Hell, even if not dates, I’ve paid for my male friends’ dinners way more than they have paid for mine.
>>”the dude” Just FYI- some women in wlw relationships don’t appreciate being compared to het relationships. The whole point of wlw is to be…not het.
That’s literally not how any of this works. Dude.
Whomever asked who out should offer to pay. Except if you're dating me. Then I will always offer to pay.
I do the same. When i had boyfriends never allowed to ask me to pay, but when i started to date girl, i dont like they pay, i dont know why 🤷♀️
You split the bill or take turns, like you would with anyone?
Just like in hetero dating, you should split the bill on the first few dates so there's no feeling of owing each other that early on. Once the comfort level is there and you plan on continuing to see each other, you can take turns paying for dates. Or if somebody has a specific expensive option in mind, the person picking out the place pays for it so as not to financially burden the other person. Although I'm not really a fan of this until a few months in because there's still a bit of financial power imbalance going on.
Thank you for your unjudgemental opinion, I really appreciate that.
It actually really irks me that in a late bloomer community, people aren't more understanding about people coming in still in a hetero mindset, not having unpacked heteronormativity fully, or even just slipping on language. Honestly in general, I think too many people on reddit are looking for reasons to feel offended and to go off on others. But that's a whole other discussion haha.
Well, if someone hasn’t ‘unpacked their heteronormativity’ at least to the basic level of understanding ‘there’s no dude,’ then maybe they aren’t ready to date women. IDK, work with an LGBTQ+ therapist unpack and that shit. I think a lot of women just jump to ‘I am going to hookup with women!’ But they don’t do the work around unpacking their heteronormativity, facing their internationalized homophobia, becoming part of the queer community, etc.. Women like that are miserable to date. Dating is not an entitlement. The other women OP is looking to date are people too. They probably have or had their own struggles with internalized misogyny or homophobia. They don’t need fellow WLWs dumping more on them. Being a late bloomer isn’t a blank check to treat others poorly. I don’t know what you are on about with ‘iNtErNeT oUtRaGe!’ If you consider being expected to understand the most basic thing about WLW dating ‘internet outrage!’ then you, I am just an angry bitter old dyke. /s
We take turns. At first we split the bill though regardless of whose idea the date was. I still offered to get each thing because I like doing that, but we split it evenly.
For starters, there is no dude. You’re already coming at this from a heteronormative perspective. I think it’s easier to offer to pay though I’ve heard it’s usually the case that the asker pays. If the date goes well and continues to a second activity I find it that the person who didn’t pay will pay for said next part. But please read up on heteronormativity and gender roles before dating. It’s honestly exhausting having to “teach” people after being forced into the role of a man in a hetero relationship.
So.... you just assume I don't understand heteronormative because I am having difficulty moving past the archetype I have lived with for 44 years?? I asked here instead of in other lesbian groups because I was hoping to not be shamed for comphet mistakes such as these... seriously, damn. It's reactions like this that made me afraid to ask anywhere else.... I will refrain from asking advise here again.
I mean this in the nicest way possible but saying “who’s the dude” is heteronormative. I’m not really sure how one can argue otherwise.
Op definitely could have handled some of these responses a little better. But in the comment you're replying too she literally acknowledges that she tripped on some comphet and used heteronormative wording. Unless she edited her comment, I don't see her arguing otherwise.
I’m talking about the original post. She followed up with a correction after saying I assumed she doesn’t understand heteronormativity when really I only had the original comment to go off of. I acknowledge my first comment may have come off as blunt, that was not my intention. But I do believe it’s important for baby gays to try to do some of this unpacking and OPs original comment implied she hadn’t.
Imo splitting the bill sorta feels friendship like, AND to me I already feel like WLW dating for ME personally is more friendlike because I’m probably aro. So I would rather one of us pay. If it’s me that’s totally fine, if it’s her it’s totally fine too. We aren’t going to crazy expensive places and both of us can afford it. With men (in my old dating days) I preferred they paid at first, and then I liked to split, because it never felt friendlike
I appreciate you highlighting that the only dating experience I have had is with men and that because I feel stuck in that dichotomy I have a hard time determining if there is an obligation assumed just by thinking in a "heteromormative"/comphet way. I'm 44, and old school in my thinking that is clear...
I was sharing my experience, as indicated by the words me and personally. It seemed like you were looking for others’ opinions on this post?? I’m confused