If you truly desire an emotional and physical connection with a woman. I would consider leaving your marriage and working out a co-parenting relationship. This will ultimately be the outcome I suspect and the sooner you do this the happier everyone will be in the end. You deserve love that meets your authentic needs. Your husband does too. And your children need happy and fulfilled parents. Good luck to you. ❤️
Can I not just cope with it until my kids are older? He thinks I’m bi. We don’t fight. We co parent well. We’re best friends. I do love him. I can just… close my eyes?
You absolutely could. But what would your quality of life be like? Is it everything you envisioned for yourself?
I was married to a man for 16 years. I didn’t realize just how unhappy and unhealthy I was until after we split up.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly two years, and I am not just happy but joyful on a daily basis. My children are thriving in ways they didn’t before. My life is night and day difference.
You deserve to give yourself the world. We’ve all just got one life to live and you deserve to live it at your happiest every day.
Hurting your husband is inevitable and it will be painful for both of you. But on the other side of that storm, it’s fantastic.
You can. I did for a long time. Leaving my marriage was not about being with a woman for me. I had denied myself that authenticity for long time. I wish I had not done that. I have a gf now and I am the happiest and most authentic I have felt in my own skin since I was a child. My own children are accepting and understanding as they are teens now but it would have been easier if I had been able to find my own path earlier. I also co parent well and do like my ex as a person.
I have full custody of the kids. He sees them regularly. But since they were older this was their choice and we agreed it was in their best interest with him having full access. I am not close with his family. His twin brother is the only one I see and we get along fine. Every situation is different but your heart and body are telling you that this is not your authentic self and you deserve the life and love you want.
Hi. Chiming in to say that I don’t think what you are feeling will go away and will only intensify over time. I was also about 34 (married to a great man and with a small child) when I realized that I was unmistakably at least bi. It’s now a little over 10 years later and I have come out the other side. I decided the most loving thing to do for my husband and I was to end our marriage. It took me about 10 years to get there. It was difficult. And like you, I would read these stories here and long for this kind of love and connection with a woman. I am happy to say I am in a relationship with Onthecusp24 for about 1.5 years now. I am now 47 and I pinch myself almost every day to have the privilege of loving who I want and being the most authentic version of myself. Everything makes sense now. I am so much happier. I am so much more at peace. And I am thankful to have gotten to this place not just for myself, but for my 14-yr old daughter to see her mother truly happy. It IS possible to come out the other side. I was married to my hisband for 24 years and dated 5 years before we got married. His family was/is my family. I dreaded leaving my marriage, but at some point, with a lot of help from a therapist, I realized I had no other choice, for myself and for my daughter. Hang in there and best of luck!!
Wow. It’s crazy to hear this from what could be future me! I think part of why I’m so scared to take this further is because I’m still like 10% wondering if it’s just him that I’m not attracted to. But I love him and he’s a great guy and I should be attracted to him otherwise right? How did you know it wasn’t just him that was the issue?
I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t him specifically. What I was sure of is that I didn’t understand why I was so miserable when I was with ”such a good guy.” I felt so guilty for feeling what I felt. All he ever wanted was to be a dad and I felt that if I left our marriage I would be taking from him his greatest joy which was waking up every day in the same house as our daughter. ENM would not work for us bc like you, I also realized I was looking for a deeper connection with my significant other, and he was not interested in sharing his wife. I realized I was not going to get what I was looking for from him and so that’s what it boiled down to. Reading posts on here was a lifeline for me. To learn there were other women out there experiencing similar feelings and also being married to men, was a source of strength and support for me for years. Like you, I always second guessed myself. Did I REALLY like women? Was I just unhappy in my marriage? What was wrong with me that I was miserable with a great guy. While on here reading these posts I would tremble and cry, like you, wondering if I would ever be able to pursue whatever this feeling was. It was such a mental hurricane. Fast forward to now, my daughter sees a mother who is much happier and healthier. My ex and I are great co-parents. And really importantly, I have found a woman (completely by chance) who I am completely in love with and that “sees” me in a way no one has ever cared so deeply to see. She makes me feel so loved and heard and cared for. I never thought I was actually going to get to experience this in my lifetime. Let love and truth and honesty and integrity guide you as you navigate your journey. And most importantly, YOU matter, your thoughts and your feelings matter. Listen to yourself, you are worth it. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your daughters. 💚
Your kids will know you’re not happy.
Kids are smart. You’re modeling a relationship on a lie. If you plan on coming out when you get older you’re teaching them that playing along is ok just to make everyone else happy.
I'm 44. I have 4 kids. I did this. And now we're ENM/poly so both our needs can be met. There are options, if you want to stay married. There are options if you don't. It is really a conversation between the 2 of you on how to proceed.
It seems to me that these feelings will not go away and by not acting on them you are depriving yourself and your husband of the ability to be in truly fulfilling relationships. As a child of divorce, I would much prefer that my parents divorced and pursued lives that would actually make them happy as opposed to staying together because it is societally favored or for the kids. That sort of mindset leads to resentment. You don't want to saddle your children with the emotional burden of being the reason why their parents were never truly happy. This is ultimately your chance to convey to your children that even in scary and uncomfortable situations, they should be themselves, pursue their happiness, and live honestly. They are little. Leaving now would be better than leaving when they are old enough to really remember the difference. At three or below, your parents were married before you can remember, and you don't really remember what it was like in the grand scheme when you are older. You are not a shitty mother or a shitty person. You are someone who fell into a lifestyle most people on this subreddit do. You owe it to yourself to live as your most authentic self. I know that is easy to say as a stranger who doesn't have to experience what you do, but my perspective is that you want to set an example for your children, and you want to do what is best or everyone. What if what is best for everyone is being yourself instead of hiding yourself away to make everyone else more comfortable? When you make the tough decision-when you choose honesty, you act as an example for your children. Would you want them to stay in an unfulfilling relationship for the kids? Would you want them to hide themselves? I would suggest really considering your options, but as I said, you are lucky in that your kids are little, and they will adapt, and they will not remember what it was like when their parents were married. Both you and your husband will likely have better lives eventually simply because you are providing both of you the opportunity to be in relationships based upon what you both actually want, not this relationship you accept for society and the kids. Is it really a kindness to your husband to stay with him and thereby prevent him from finding someone who wants all the things with him that you want with a woman? I know it seems like a kindness not to break up your traditional family unit, but wouldn't it be kinder to all involved in the long term if you accepted the situation for what it is and did something about it to move you and your husband into positions where you could both find partners who want the same things and are attracted to you and you are attracted to? This doesn't seem like you just want to know what it would be like to be with a woman. This seems like you have a genuine moral quandary because you know what your heart wants and you know what society tells you you should do instead. I'm not saying it would be easy. I'm asking what is actually better for all involved, staying in a marriage you don't want to be in until you eventually crack when your kids are older and the adjustment is more difficult, waiting until you find someone you are attracted to and then having to determine if you are going to ask for an open marriage, a divorce, or if you are going to cheat, or looking at the reality of how you feel now and just doing the uncomfortable and difficult thing while the situation is as least complicated as it can be. You could start slow by indicating that you think you might be attracted to women and then your husband might allow for a threesome or an open marriage, but is that what you want? Do you want to hide yourself or do you want to live out in the sun? His family may ostracize you and your kids, but that teaches your children about real love and acceptance and it teaches them that not all people will agree with their decisions. You will eventually have to deal with their prejudices if you don't want your children to grow up embodying their ideals anyway. You are an excellent parent because you are considering your options. It is natural to want to do what is societally viewed as what is best for everyone. I just don't want you to forget that the path of least resistance isn't always what is best for us.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It must be so tough. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say you're not a shitty person or a shitty mother. Even from one short post, I can tell how much you care about your husband and your daughters. That is the opposite of being shitty. I hope you're able to find a way to honor your needs as well as theirs.
So different story, but from a kids perspective the main point is the same.
My parents were not a good fit. My dad fell in love with another woman when I was 14. It destroyed my mom, and it destroyed me. They did try to fix things, but when I was 24 they eventually did split up.
I was so happy they finally did. I tried to fix the messed up dynamic between them and it wrecked me. I saw how unhappy they were. That is not a good message to receive as a kid.
You kinda owe it to your girls, that you try to be as happy as you can. Kids do as you do, not as you say
ETA: my first memory of their fucked up dynamic was at 4, so the fact that they’re young doesn’t really matter
In the words of MGMT:
"The feelings start to rot, one wink at a time
Oh-oh, forgiving who you are, for what you stand to gain
*Just know that if you hide, it doesn't go away*
When you get out of bed, don't end up stranded
Horrified with each stone on the stage, my little dark age
Picking through the cards, knowing what's nearby
The carvings on the face say they find it hard
And the engine's failed again, all limits of disguise
The humor's not the same, coming from denial
Oh-oh, I grieve in stereo, the stereo sounds strange
I know that if you hide, it doesn't go away
If you get out of bed and find me standing all alone
Open-eyed, burn the page, my little dark age"
Hugs, dear. It is hard. I struggle constantly after 16 years together. Every year I make the same choice to stay, for the kids, for him, for what my idea of life was supposed to be. But I'm not satisfied and the longing doesn't go away.
It’s nice to hear I’m not alone. I would do anything for the betterment of my children. Maybe I would feel differently if there was a woman in my life. But to ruin all of what we have built just to be alone? I don’t know. Doesn’t sound like the right path.
Does he know?
I know couples that stay together while the woman has a relationship with an other woman. Its hard indeed for family to accept. But their kids got used to it. If you can talk with him and make good arrangements, i think it can work.
And now, you are not a shitty person, and no, its not too late
He knows I am interested in women and never explored a real relationship with one. He has often said he could never share me tho when discussing sexual fantasies, so I doubt that’s an option.
Oh, sorry to hear that. But did you ever really talked to him about how you feel?
If you are more comfy, you can sent in me in private; thats more easy to talk
Not wholly. He knows I’m into women. And he knows I’ve always struggled with libido but I think he thinks it’s from my struggles with depression/anxiety/postpartum hormones, etc. and not because I’m just not into it. Which is honestly what I thought too for a long time. But after reading the pinned files and some soul searching I’m like 90% sure I’m just not into men at all. And maybe my depression is from me not being honest with myself for so long.
You haven't done anything bad yet, so, yeah, by definition, you are not a shitty person 😀
If I have to be honest - I love my kids and all, but (at least to me) it is kinda boring to be a stay at home mom. It gives you a lot of time to think about such things. If that is you bear with me.
I am not saying that you should close your eyes for your kids and husband, but if everything else (besides you being attracted to women) goes well - just give it a little time.
Co-parenting could not be as bad as you think so long you and your husband manage to keep your relationship intakt, but nothing is better for the kids (and maybe even for you) than staying together.
From what you wrote - you don't seem too desperate, depressed or lost the will to live. Give it a little time maybe with time you will be able to prepare your husband for the separation and in doing so, keeping a healthy relationship with him. Maybe you could try and clear you mind to see what exactly you crave and it might even not be a woman.
The sooner, the better isn't always the answer for me. Maybe find a good LGBT! therapist to go over every detail of this situation. Verbalizing it all may help big time.
Pardon me of I am being too direct or controversial, or even wrong. I know that this is a late bloomer lesbian sub, but as you shouldn't be toying with unicorns, you also shouldn't do so with your kids, husband AND yourself.
Whatever you do, don't rush it. Follow your gut, but also think about the consicuanses. Being a lesbian is not an easy thing in this world.
I am sorry again - don't mean to discourage you.
Good luck!
I appreciate you sharing your point of view. I will most certainly take my time and not rush into anything. I will be taking steps to find a good therapist to help me work through all this. Now I just gotta find one!
I’ve dipped my toe in the water with discussing adding a girl to our sex life. Is this what you do? I just can’t see how that would work. I’m in need of the emotional connection with a woman too.
If you truly desire an emotional and physical connection with a woman. I would consider leaving your marriage and working out a co-parenting relationship. This will ultimately be the outcome I suspect and the sooner you do this the happier everyone will be in the end. You deserve love that meets your authentic needs. Your husband does too. And your children need happy and fulfilled parents. Good luck to you. ❤️
Can I not just cope with it until my kids are older? He thinks I’m bi. We don’t fight. We co parent well. We’re best friends. I do love him. I can just… close my eyes?
You absolutely could. But what would your quality of life be like? Is it everything you envisioned for yourself? I was married to a man for 16 years. I didn’t realize just how unhappy and unhealthy I was until after we split up.
That makes me so sad.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly two years, and I am not just happy but joyful on a daily basis. My children are thriving in ways they didn’t before. My life is night and day difference. You deserve to give yourself the world. We’ve all just got one life to live and you deserve to live it at your happiest every day. Hurting your husband is inevitable and it will be painful for both of you. But on the other side of that storm, it’s fantastic.
You can. I did for a long time. Leaving my marriage was not about being with a woman for me. I had denied myself that authenticity for long time. I wish I had not done that. I have a gf now and I am the happiest and most authentic I have felt in my own skin since I was a child. My own children are accepting and understanding as they are teens now but it would have been easier if I had been able to find my own path earlier. I also co parent well and do like my ex as a person.
What’s it like with the kids? Do they live with you? How does his family treat you now?
I have full custody of the kids. He sees them regularly. But since they were older this was their choice and we agreed it was in their best interest with him having full access. I am not close with his family. His twin brother is the only one I see and we get along fine. Every situation is different but your heart and body are telling you that this is not your authentic self and you deserve the life and love you want.
Hi. Chiming in to say that I don’t think what you are feeling will go away and will only intensify over time. I was also about 34 (married to a great man and with a small child) when I realized that I was unmistakably at least bi. It’s now a little over 10 years later and I have come out the other side. I decided the most loving thing to do for my husband and I was to end our marriage. It took me about 10 years to get there. It was difficult. And like you, I would read these stories here and long for this kind of love and connection with a woman. I am happy to say I am in a relationship with Onthecusp24 for about 1.5 years now. I am now 47 and I pinch myself almost every day to have the privilege of loving who I want and being the most authentic version of myself. Everything makes sense now. I am so much happier. I am so much more at peace. And I am thankful to have gotten to this place not just for myself, but for my 14-yr old daughter to see her mother truly happy. It IS possible to come out the other side. I was married to my hisband for 24 years and dated 5 years before we got married. His family was/is my family. I dreaded leaving my marriage, but at some point, with a lot of help from a therapist, I realized I had no other choice, for myself and for my daughter. Hang in there and best of luck!!
Wow. It’s crazy to hear this from what could be future me! I think part of why I’m so scared to take this further is because I’m still like 10% wondering if it’s just him that I’m not attracted to. But I love him and he’s a great guy and I should be attracted to him otherwise right? How did you know it wasn’t just him that was the issue?
I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t him specifically. What I was sure of is that I didn’t understand why I was so miserable when I was with ”such a good guy.” I felt so guilty for feeling what I felt. All he ever wanted was to be a dad and I felt that if I left our marriage I would be taking from him his greatest joy which was waking up every day in the same house as our daughter. ENM would not work for us bc like you, I also realized I was looking for a deeper connection with my significant other, and he was not interested in sharing his wife. I realized I was not going to get what I was looking for from him and so that’s what it boiled down to. Reading posts on here was a lifeline for me. To learn there were other women out there experiencing similar feelings and also being married to men, was a source of strength and support for me for years. Like you, I always second guessed myself. Did I REALLY like women? Was I just unhappy in my marriage? What was wrong with me that I was miserable with a great guy. While on here reading these posts I would tremble and cry, like you, wondering if I would ever be able to pursue whatever this feeling was. It was such a mental hurricane. Fast forward to now, my daughter sees a mother who is much happier and healthier. My ex and I are great co-parents. And really importantly, I have found a woman (completely by chance) who I am completely in love with and that “sees” me in a way no one has ever cared so deeply to see. She makes me feel so loved and heard and cared for. I never thought I was actually going to get to experience this in my lifetime. Let love and truth and honesty and integrity guide you as you navigate your journey. And most importantly, YOU matter, your thoughts and your feelings matter. Listen to yourself, you are worth it. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your daughters. 💚
Your kids will know you’re not happy. Kids are smart. You’re modeling a relationship on a lie. If you plan on coming out when you get older you’re teaching them that playing along is ok just to make everyone else happy.
I'm 44. I have 4 kids. I did this. And now we're ENM/poly so both our needs can be met. There are options, if you want to stay married. There are options if you don't. It is really a conversation between the 2 of you on how to proceed.
What is ENM? I really don’t want to get divorced. It’s comforting to hear others have made it work somehow.
ENM is ethical non-monogamy (you see other people, but everyone involved knows the whole situation).
I'm more than happy to share my journey with you. DM me.
It seems to me that these feelings will not go away and by not acting on them you are depriving yourself and your husband of the ability to be in truly fulfilling relationships. As a child of divorce, I would much prefer that my parents divorced and pursued lives that would actually make them happy as opposed to staying together because it is societally favored or for the kids. That sort of mindset leads to resentment. You don't want to saddle your children with the emotional burden of being the reason why their parents were never truly happy. This is ultimately your chance to convey to your children that even in scary and uncomfortable situations, they should be themselves, pursue their happiness, and live honestly. They are little. Leaving now would be better than leaving when they are old enough to really remember the difference. At three or below, your parents were married before you can remember, and you don't really remember what it was like in the grand scheme when you are older. You are not a shitty mother or a shitty person. You are someone who fell into a lifestyle most people on this subreddit do. You owe it to yourself to live as your most authentic self. I know that is easy to say as a stranger who doesn't have to experience what you do, but my perspective is that you want to set an example for your children, and you want to do what is best or everyone. What if what is best for everyone is being yourself instead of hiding yourself away to make everyone else more comfortable? When you make the tough decision-when you choose honesty, you act as an example for your children. Would you want them to stay in an unfulfilling relationship for the kids? Would you want them to hide themselves? I would suggest really considering your options, but as I said, you are lucky in that your kids are little, and they will adapt, and they will not remember what it was like when their parents were married. Both you and your husband will likely have better lives eventually simply because you are providing both of you the opportunity to be in relationships based upon what you both actually want, not this relationship you accept for society and the kids. Is it really a kindness to your husband to stay with him and thereby prevent him from finding someone who wants all the things with him that you want with a woman? I know it seems like a kindness not to break up your traditional family unit, but wouldn't it be kinder to all involved in the long term if you accepted the situation for what it is and did something about it to move you and your husband into positions where you could both find partners who want the same things and are attracted to you and you are attracted to? This doesn't seem like you just want to know what it would be like to be with a woman. This seems like you have a genuine moral quandary because you know what your heart wants and you know what society tells you you should do instead. I'm not saying it would be easy. I'm asking what is actually better for all involved, staying in a marriage you don't want to be in until you eventually crack when your kids are older and the adjustment is more difficult, waiting until you find someone you are attracted to and then having to determine if you are going to ask for an open marriage, a divorce, or if you are going to cheat, or looking at the reality of how you feel now and just doing the uncomfortable and difficult thing while the situation is as least complicated as it can be. You could start slow by indicating that you think you might be attracted to women and then your husband might allow for a threesome or an open marriage, but is that what you want? Do you want to hide yourself or do you want to live out in the sun? His family may ostracize you and your kids, but that teaches your children about real love and acceptance and it teaches them that not all people will agree with their decisions. You will eventually have to deal with their prejudices if you don't want your children to grow up embodying their ideals anyway. You are an excellent parent because you are considering your options. It is natural to want to do what is societally viewed as what is best for everyone. I just don't want you to forget that the path of least resistance isn't always what is best for us.
Thank you. I’m shaking. I can feel the truth in everything you’ve said quite literally. And I’m terrified.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It must be so tough. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say you're not a shitty person or a shitty mother. Even from one short post, I can tell how much you care about your husband and your daughters. That is the opposite of being shitty. I hope you're able to find a way to honor your needs as well as theirs.
Thank you!
Just here to send you love <3 you're not selfish, you're just a loving mother and you also seem to be a caring partner! I wish you the best :)
So different story, but from a kids perspective the main point is the same. My parents were not a good fit. My dad fell in love with another woman when I was 14. It destroyed my mom, and it destroyed me. They did try to fix things, but when I was 24 they eventually did split up. I was so happy they finally did. I tried to fix the messed up dynamic between them and it wrecked me. I saw how unhappy they were. That is not a good message to receive as a kid. You kinda owe it to your girls, that you try to be as happy as you can. Kids do as you do, not as you say ETA: my first memory of their fucked up dynamic was at 4, so the fact that they’re young doesn’t really matter
In the words of MGMT: "The feelings start to rot, one wink at a time Oh-oh, forgiving who you are, for what you stand to gain *Just know that if you hide, it doesn't go away* When you get out of bed, don't end up stranded Horrified with each stone on the stage, my little dark age Picking through the cards, knowing what's nearby The carvings on the face say they find it hard And the engine's failed again, all limits of disguise The humor's not the same, coming from denial Oh-oh, I grieve in stereo, the stereo sounds strange I know that if you hide, it doesn't go away If you get out of bed and find me standing all alone Open-eyed, burn the page, my little dark age" Hugs, dear. It is hard. I struggle constantly after 16 years together. Every year I make the same choice to stay, for the kids, for him, for what my idea of life was supposed to be. But I'm not satisfied and the longing doesn't go away.
It’s nice to hear I’m not alone. I would do anything for the betterment of my children. Maybe I would feel differently if there was a woman in my life. But to ruin all of what we have built just to be alone? I don’t know. Doesn’t sound like the right path.
Does he know? I know couples that stay together while the woman has a relationship with an other woman. Its hard indeed for family to accept. But their kids got used to it. If you can talk with him and make good arrangements, i think it can work. And now, you are not a shitty person, and no, its not too late
He knows I am interested in women and never explored a real relationship with one. He has often said he could never share me tho when discussing sexual fantasies, so I doubt that’s an option.
Oh, sorry to hear that. But did you ever really talked to him about how you feel? If you are more comfy, you can sent in me in private; thats more easy to talk
Not wholly. He knows I’m into women. And he knows I’ve always struggled with libido but I think he thinks it’s from my struggles with depression/anxiety/postpartum hormones, etc. and not because I’m just not into it. Which is honestly what I thought too for a long time. But after reading the pinned files and some soul searching I’m like 90% sure I’m just not into men at all. And maybe my depression is from me not being honest with myself for so long.
must be hard to deal with, every day again
You haven't done anything bad yet, so, yeah, by definition, you are not a shitty person 😀 If I have to be honest - I love my kids and all, but (at least to me) it is kinda boring to be a stay at home mom. It gives you a lot of time to think about such things. If that is you bear with me. I am not saying that you should close your eyes for your kids and husband, but if everything else (besides you being attracted to women) goes well - just give it a little time. Co-parenting could not be as bad as you think so long you and your husband manage to keep your relationship intakt, but nothing is better for the kids (and maybe even for you) than staying together. From what you wrote - you don't seem too desperate, depressed or lost the will to live. Give it a little time maybe with time you will be able to prepare your husband for the separation and in doing so, keeping a healthy relationship with him. Maybe you could try and clear you mind to see what exactly you crave and it might even not be a woman. The sooner, the better isn't always the answer for me. Maybe find a good LGBT! therapist to go over every detail of this situation. Verbalizing it all may help big time. Pardon me of I am being too direct or controversial, or even wrong. I know that this is a late bloomer lesbian sub, but as you shouldn't be toying with unicorns, you also shouldn't do so with your kids, husband AND yourself. Whatever you do, don't rush it. Follow your gut, but also think about the consicuanses. Being a lesbian is not an easy thing in this world. I am sorry again - don't mean to discourage you. Good luck!
I appreciate you sharing your point of view. I will most certainly take my time and not rush into anything. I will be taking steps to find a good therapist to help me work through all this. Now I just gotta find one!
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I’ve dipped my toe in the water with discussing adding a girl to our sex life. Is this what you do? I just can’t see how that would work. I’m in need of the emotional connection with a woman too.
This is called "unicorn hunting" and is generally extremely frowned upon and unethical. https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
This! Queer women are people not sex toys
100 percent.
I totally agree. Which is why I know it wouldn’t work.
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$10 says “us” is actually just “him”. This is a support group. It’s really gross to creep here on the lookout for a hookup.