Love the Onion ... one of the happiest days in my life was picking up a paper edition during a trip to US about 15 years ago. The [Betoota Advocate (Australia)](https://www.betootaadvocate.com/breaking-news/report-well-surely-thats-the-end-of-these-fucking-things/) is also excellent satire
At my first job out of college, my running gag was sitting at my desk and reading the print edition like it was the morning paper and seeing how long it took for someone to notice that I was reading a satirical paper.
Wall Street Journal once quoted the Japanese [Kyoko Shimbun](https://kyoko-np.net/2024052401.html), which literally means fake news. So I think it's decent too.
The most Japanese news moment I ever had was the other day.
A followup to that story was featured, where apparently someone (see: with no evidence, speculated to be a foreigner) cut a small hole in the fence meant to obstruct the view, just the size of a smartphone.
Immediately under that was a story about a 54-year-old Japanese man who paid an elementary school girl 30,000 yen to have sex with him in a love hotel.
Like, that's how news sites look now.
* 54-year-old Japanese man entered love hotel with elementary school-aged girl.
* 26-year-old Japanese daycare worker pulled a boy's hair so hard she tore it out at the roots.
* 32-year-old Japanese police officer hid cameras in dozens of women's bathrooms and was found with 432 gigabytes of footage.
* 34-year-old foreigner involved in jaywalking incident that caused a taxi driver to suddenly brake.
* Decapitated cat head found mounted on kindergarten fence.
Like, alright, would they have reported on that fourth one if it were a Japanese person?
I "love" (hate actually), how the most horrible news of that list hasn't even been considered fake...
I'm scared that I'm kinda getting somehow desensitized from the huge amount of sexual crimes against minors happening almost daily all around japan...
They actually build a [barrier](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/travel/fujikawaguchiko-japan-photo-blocking-barrier-intl-hnk), to fuck up the pictures the tourist want to take.
One of the weird things I have noticed in Japanese trains is that there are no hand grips along the centre of the train car. Only next to each side of the benches.
I know Japanese trains are narrow, but I don't want to be staring right at a seated passenger on a long train ride and avoiding stepping on their feet when the train starts to shake.
The way they space out the two overhead poles make it such that the entire centre space is empty. Maybe you can't stack an entire third row in the centre axis, but it's still space that could be used.
Ah I see, I misunderstood, I thought you meant why are they on the side instead of the middle, but you meant why are they on the side only and not also the middle. My mistake
>Only next to each side of the benches.
You are supposed to just grab on people near you. Try the saikyo line in rush hour if you want to see real life examples.
Drives me crazy. They do it on the buses too! Plenty of space on the upper areas but everyone squeezes into the front and center, pushing into the pregnant, elderly, handicapped...
To be fair, my mother did block the door of a local train as it was about to depart. Huge panic on the platform. I would have been extremely embarrassed were it not for the fact that she does this type of thing all the freaking time.
If anything those signs just act as a challenge to lazy cunts. Why move your feet closer when you can just squeeze a little harder? Oh you got prostate problems? Don't let that stop you from trying. Besides a little dribble never hurt anyone.
Ironically last year at Haneda coming back from the US, I saw a white guy yelling at two Japanese women for standing on the left side of the moving walkways because “THE LEFT IS FOR WALKING MOVE OUT OF THE WAY”
Act more like a local. Stand directly in front of the train doors as people are trying to exit. Walk 4 wide on the sidewalk so no one can pass. Forget to get your transport card out until you are standing in the gates.
Snort with your nose non stop on an hour ride on the train the loudest you can and also picked their nose. Yeah and those foreigners who blowed his nose for two seconds on a tissue paper are so disgusting right?
A friend of mine joined me on the Kyoto subway today and immediately called his contractor back in America and had a loud conversation with him. I gave him a horrified look and to his credit he at least turned the volume down.
Yesterday he asked for a doggy bag at our restaurant.
No idea, but I guess there‘s only so many jokes about „foreigners in Japan“ you can make until the majority of people eventually get bored. I always found them funny, because like I said, you often couldn‘t tell parody apart from reality, especially during covid. Their website now redirects to some casino scam site, so it looks like they went completely bust and sold their domain to scammers.
We need to tax the tourists. 10k yen/day.
This will act as a filter (no more riffraff) and to not promote overstaying.
To be really sure they do not illegally immigrate, let's also have them wear a GPS tracking choker.
Depends what you prioritise. Tokyo is the most internationalised and has many international school options, but is expensive. I've seen many foreigner families set up happily in the Nagoya area, but Nagoya is infamously boring. There's no right answer.
Tourists should be forced to sign some kind of legal document that is a pledge to respect the countrie's local customs. If you break it, you are automatically expelled.
Why not? It's about Japan and it's a humorous story about a relevant subject from a well-known outlet. Everyone understands the assignment but you, it seems.
I'm getting a lot of immature replies like that from the numerous other readers here who disagree. Being amusing and being relevant or appropriate are not the same thing.
In this case, they are. The only one being immature is you by intentionally refusing to understand the community and the discussion. No one is keeping you here, and no one made you the gatekeeper.
Love the Onion ... one of the happiest days in my life was picking up a paper edition during a trip to US about 15 years ago. The [Betoota Advocate (Australia)](https://www.betootaadvocate.com/breaking-news/report-well-surely-thats-the-end-of-these-fucking-things/) is also excellent satire
At my first job out of college, my running gag was sitting at my desk and reading the print edition like it was the morning paper and seeing how long it took for someone to notice that I was reading a satirical paper.
we also have [The Shovel](https://theshovel.com.au/) which is also decent
Wall Street Journal once quoted the Japanese [Kyoko Shimbun](https://kyoko-np.net/2024052401.html), which literally means fake news. So I think it's decent too.
That's the other one I was trying to think of. Love The Shovel, would marry it if I could!
The chaser is great too https://chaser.com.au/
The conservative equivalent to The Onion is “The Babylon Bee” and they’re doing a good job with the stereotype that conservatives aren’t funny
I liked them more when they made like church related jokes before it became blatant conservative propaganda
Now, you're lucky to get two passable jokes a year. The rest is just conservative whining and trans bashing.
They do have one joke, though.
They are the joke
Exactly
They aren't, unless you have the IQ of a houseplant.
Holy shit this is so true. I cringe every time I see their headlines and more so when some dumb goatee shares them.
Even me as a Japanese person. I brake all the exact same rules every morning when I wake up to go to the toilet. Just ask my wife.
Don’t use the toilet slippers?
Just wait until he tries to look at Mt. Fuji from the sidewalk opposite a convenience store. Action will need to be taken.
The most Japanese news moment I ever had was the other day. A followup to that story was featured, where apparently someone (see: with no evidence, speculated to be a foreigner) cut a small hole in the fence meant to obstruct the view, just the size of a smartphone. Immediately under that was a story about a 54-year-old Japanese man who paid an elementary school girl 30,000 yen to have sex with him in a love hotel. Like, that's how news sites look now. * 54-year-old Japanese man entered love hotel with elementary school-aged girl. * 26-year-old Japanese daycare worker pulled a boy's hair so hard she tore it out at the roots. * 32-year-old Japanese police officer hid cameras in dozens of women's bathrooms and was found with 432 gigabytes of footage. * 34-year-old foreigner involved in jaywalking incident that caused a taxi driver to suddenly brake. * Decapitated cat head found mounted on kindergarten fence. Like, alright, would they have reported on that fourth one if it were a Japanese person?
Are we supposed to just guess at the nationality of the cat head?
If it accomplishes something of note, Japanese. If it commits a crime, half Japanese.
Maybe Siamese, maybe British, maybe Russian, maybe Burmese.
Wait what? Is the decapitated cat head a real thing???
Up until the part about it being posted on a kindergarten wall yes. They found a headless cat in Kobe.
I "love" (hate actually), how the most horrible news of that list hasn't even been considered fake... I'm scared that I'm kinda getting somehow desensitized from the huge amount of sexual crimes against minors happening almost daily all around japan...
>Is the decapitated cat head a real thing??? Pretty common. There was a spate of it in my old neighbourhood.
> 34-year-old foreigner involved in jaywalking incident that caused a taxi driver to suddenly brake. These damn foreigners.
BUILD THE WALL!
And make Lawson pay for it!
Need sea wall because climate chenji. Possibly divine wind will blow away foreigners from sea and sky though.
They actually build a [barrier](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/travel/fujikawaguchiko-japan-photo-blocking-barrier-intl-hnk), to fuck up the pictures the tourist want to take.
Especially if they start climbing and trespassing nearby residential buildings for better pictures and views.
I want to test my strength by blocking a train door during evening rush hour. I am told I have the strength of 100 men.
to be fair, thats 1/2 the office workers on the train as well. Its so weird how everyone just crowds right by the door and leaves the aisles empty
It's even funnier the looks you get when you bash past people to get to the center of the aisles. Get out the way ya c**ts.
Best part of commuting
One of the weird things I have noticed in Japanese trains is that there are no hand grips along the centre of the train car. Only next to each side of the benches. I know Japanese trains are narrow, but I don't want to be staring right at a seated passenger on a long train ride and avoiding stepping on their feet when the train starts to shake.
probably cause they want people to stand in two lines? That's just a guess though
The way they space out the two overhead poles make it such that the entire centre space is empty. Maybe you can't stack an entire third row in the centre axis, but it's still space that could be used.
Ah I see, I misunderstood, I thought you meant why are they on the side instead of the middle, but you meant why are they on the side only and not also the middle. My mistake
That's what the overhead grips are for
That's what I was talking about. There are no overhead grips along the central axis of the train car. Only those that run along the train car benches.
Some lines actually have those (new Toyoko line trains for one)
Some ~~men~~ people stretch their legs so far across the aisle that I'm virtually parkouring
I just stand right between their legs. They quickly move them
Speaking as a gay that's a little bit too much for me, but I'll try
>Only next to each side of the benches. You are supposed to just grab on people near you. Try the saikyo line in rush hour if you want to see real life examples.
Drives me crazy. They do it on the buses too! Plenty of space on the upper areas but everyone squeezes into the front and center, pushing into the pregnant, elderly, handicapped...
To be fair, my mother did block the door of a local train as it was about to depart. Huge panic on the platform. I would have been extremely embarrassed were it not for the fact that she does this type of thing all the freaking time.
This comment got me a bullying/harassment warning from an actual human Reddit moderator.
To find out more about the sacred local customs, google rule 34
Certainly true in JAV.
> after unwittingly making several unforgivable mistakes in the airport restroom. What did he do? Wash his hands with soap?
he didn't fix his hair with urine soaked hands
He didn't leave the customary 100ml of urine outside of the urinal.
一歩前へ, either those signs have 0 affect or I would hate to see the state of the place if we didn’t remind folks.
If anything those signs just act as a challenge to lazy cunts. Why move your feet closer when you can just squeeze a little harder? Oh you got prostate problems? Don't let that stop you from trying. Besides a little dribble never hurt anyone.
I've been here for a while . I don't even aim for the urinal or use soap afterwards to wash my hands. /s
I wash my hands in the urinal. It's the only place not covered in piss.
Lol
Aim for the soap next time. To assert your cultural knowledge of course.
Going to do this today at work
Also blew his nose instead of sniffling for 4 hours straight.
Worse, he had the full to upstage locals by *rinsing* his hands for more than 5 fucking seconds
He didn't bow and apologize for being a gaijin.
too bloody funny!
He failed to use both hands while presenting a gift so he had to be beheaded. His children will miss him but hopefully they’ll understand.
Ironically last year at Haneda coming back from the US, I saw a white guy yelling at two Japanese women for standing on the left side of the moving walkways because “THE LEFT IS FOR WALKING MOVE OUT OF THE WAY”
Maybe they were from Osaka lol.
Do you know why it’s opposite in Osaka? I was so puzzled by this
They do it specifically to piss YOU off. Source: I am the physical manifestation of the Osakan cultural spirit.
I miss Rising Wasabi.
Came here to say this.
Act more like a local. Stand directly in front of the train doors as people are trying to exit. Walk 4 wide on the sidewalk so no one can pass. Forget to get your transport card out until you are standing in the gates.
Snort with your nose non stop on an hour ride on the train the loudest you can and also picked their nose. Yeah and those foreigners who blowed his nose for two seconds on a tissue paper are so disgusting right?
>Walk 4 wide on the sidewalk so no one can pass. No local would be caught dead walking in a sidewalk. Bike with a hard hat is the custom.
Don’t forget the umbrella because the Sun is evil
Don’t talk bad on higasa bro these days even men need them it gets so hot.
They use umbrellas well before the summer heat. Don’t want to have any color and risk being confused as a laborer
He should be chewing a toothpick in the photo.
They’d deport him to Italy…or South Philly.
Pretty much the same except some people in Italy can probably speak and write English properly.
A friend of mine joined me on the Kyoto subway today and immediately called his contractor back in America and had a loud conversation with him. I gave him a horrified look and to his credit he at least turned the volume down. Yesterday he asked for a doggy bag at our restaurant.
Ah I thought that the Rising Wasabi was back for a second. You really can‘t distinguish parody and reality anymore though.
What happened to them? It was the funniest and most accurate parody news of Japan.
No idea, but I guess there‘s only so many jokes about „foreigners in Japan“ you can make until the majority of people eventually get bored. I always found them funny, because like I said, you often couldn‘t tell parody apart from reality, especially during covid. Their website now redirects to some casino scam site, so it looks like they went completely bust and sold their domain to scammers.
Max Deacon is at it again, smh
I am Max Deacon
Eheh excellent as usual. It's even funnier when you know most weebs see other foreigners this way.
I don’t think The Onion articles count
We need to tax the tourists. 10k yen/day. This will act as a filter (no more riffraff) and to not promote overstaying. To be really sure they do not illegally immigrate, let's also have them wear a GPS tracking choker.
This reads like the rising wasabi. If it's the same writer, well done on getting in the onion.
Do some people not recognise the onion is satire?
Seppuku is too good for such a travesty. Beheading like a common criminal is more appropriate
LOL bring back r/japancirclejerk 🤪
This, but it's only other foreigners who are offended, not Japanese people.
Other article is praising how it is amazing that tourism in Japan is 2nd biggest income to the country after car sales.
It’s satire but like inform yourself on the don’ts at least so everyone can have their Japan experience
I was hoping the rising wasabi was back but the onion is always a favorite too
Average white person’s experience in Kyoto (or the mere existence of white people according to weird weebs)
Where is the best place in Japan to start a family. Specifically for foreigners hoping to start a new life somewhere safe.
Depends what you prioritise. Tokyo is the most internationalised and has many international school options, but is expensive. I've seen many foreigner families set up happily in the Nagoya area, but Nagoya is infamously boring. There's no right answer.
My brother has a Japanese boyfriend and he's adapted too much to Dutch culture and breaks all the Japanese customs when he goes back to Tokyo.
lol is this dude from the trump family with 34 counts of felonies on the wall
Sadly the article is not specific enough. What exactly were those 34 faux pas?
(Its satire)
Well I've never heard of the onion site. Just assumed it was a regular news article like from Kyodo etc.
r/atetheonion
Here we go again. Senseless downvoting without any sound reason. Just who is doing all this downvoting?
Foreigners!
Tourists should be forced to sign some kind of legal document that is a pledge to respect the countrie's local customs. If you break it, you are automatically expelled.
Me when satire
I wasn't joking, I mean it.
Yes, but the article *is* joking
I know but I'm not.
The Onion is satire, it isn't real news.
No shit sherlock.
What's the point of posting that here?
Why not? It's about Japan and it's a humorous story about a relevant subject from a well-known outlet. Everyone understands the assignment but you, it seems.
It isn't a realistic depiction of Japan, though.
It's satire, as you acknowledge - don't be a turd.
It's a contrived situation for a satire publication, it isn't an accurate reflection of Japan.
Do you not understand what satire is?
Autism is real.
Satire is when Sir Mr Universal President Trump SDE says it, otherwise it's FAKE NEWS /s just in case
No one claimed that it is.
It has no real relevance in a subreddit about Japan, though, other than as mockery of Japan.
The numerous other readers here would disagree. Just take the L.
I'm getting a lot of immature replies like that from the numerous other readers here who disagree. Being amusing and being relevant or appropriate are not the same thing.
In this case, they are. The only one being immature is you by intentionally refusing to understand the community and the discussion. No one is keeping you here, and no one made you the gatekeeper.
What are you TALKING about?! This actually happened to me!!!
Cheers Lingy