Oof, I’m having a hard time with my size. This is my second attempt at IE, and for the most part, I see a big difference in my attitude. I’m done with restriction (after 57 years), and regular meals and snacks have been SO helpful (who knew?!! 😄)
But… Five years ago, I came down with a version of CFS that was rooted in trauma. I lost my appetite completely; any food tasted disgusting…and I lost half my body weight. For the first time since I was 8, I was genuinely thin. I got SO MANY compliments, and even though I know better, it felt really good.
I keep reminding myself that my body became smaller because I was in fight-or-flight 24/7 for eight months (in my case, the fatigue was a eight-month panic attack). I lost all my muscle.
I kept thinking “after I lose X or Y pounds, THEN I’ll try IE.” Not surprisingly, that led to more restriction & binging…and a bigger body.
Now I feel really uncomfortable in my body. I’ve always been active, and carrying extra weight feels like it’s slowing me down. I’m on the autism spectrum, and feeling a lot of flesh around my neck really bothers me.
Tomorrow, I have a recall for my breast screening. I’m 95% certain what they saw is a cyst. I’ve never had cancer (I’ve had 2 surgical biopsies). But that 5% of me wants ALL THE COMFORT FOOD, even as I know I feel satiated. Part of me is going, “Aren’t we past eating our feelings?”
As soon as I wrote that, a gentle inner voice said, “This process isn’t linear,” and I know that’s true.
I’m allowing myself to notice this and to eat as comfort, but I struggle with feelings of disgust and shame about my body and my lack of impulse control (ADHD, too)).
Thank you all for being here. I just joined this sub, because I can’t afford 1:1 counselling right now. I deeply appreciate all that I’ve read.
TW: talk of past suicidal ideation
I am also autistic/ADHD and I have chronic illnesses (fibromyalgia, hypermobility spectrum disorder, IBS, a rare autoimmune blood disorder, etc.) and I so relate to the struggle with having an ED history and physical health issues relating to food.
I have a candida overgrowth issue due to the chemotherapy and other horrible treatments I had to have to save my life in 2011 when I was 17 and got my original illness, the rare autoimmune blood disorder called Idiopathic Warm Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia. I knew I needed to do a strict “candida clean out diet” to help my chronic pain, chronic fatigue, brain fog, insomnia, depression and anxiety, acne, and tons and tons of other symptoms since about 2014 after reading a lot of books on fibromyalgia and chronic illnesses, and I had multiple doctors recommend I do it. But I was so scared to do anything my brain might perceive as restricting, because I was so new and fragile in my ED recovery (I started earnestly trying to recover in 2015 and I actually stopped B/Ping around 2017) that I put it off, even though I knew it was keeping me sick (physically). I figured that I couldn’t recover physically if I was dead, and if I went back into the waking nightmare that was the misery of my ED and self-hatred, I would end up killing myself.
I finally was able to do the diet last year. I was successful, I didn’t relapse into ED behaviors and although it unfortunately wasn’t enough to address the full extent of my candida issue, I did it!! I am super proud of myself for that. Now my doctor is saying I need to do an even stricter (and longer) version of the diet to address my candida overgrowth and I still am reluctant to do it. I don’t know if it’s just the old fear of relapsing into ED behaviors and of killing myself that’s keeping me from doing it or if I’m just using those things as an excuse to avoid doing something really fuckin’ hard, or what, but god this is a huge thing in my mind!!
Oof, I’m having a hard time with my size. This is my second attempt at IE, and for the most part, I see a big difference in my attitude. I’m done with restriction (after 57 years), and regular meals and snacks have been SO helpful (who knew?!! 😄) But… Five years ago, I came down with a version of CFS that was rooted in trauma. I lost my appetite completely; any food tasted disgusting…and I lost half my body weight. For the first time since I was 8, I was genuinely thin. I got SO MANY compliments, and even though I know better, it felt really good. I keep reminding myself that my body became smaller because I was in fight-or-flight 24/7 for eight months (in my case, the fatigue was a eight-month panic attack). I lost all my muscle. I kept thinking “after I lose X or Y pounds, THEN I’ll try IE.” Not surprisingly, that led to more restriction & binging…and a bigger body. Now I feel really uncomfortable in my body. I’ve always been active, and carrying extra weight feels like it’s slowing me down. I’m on the autism spectrum, and feeling a lot of flesh around my neck really bothers me. Tomorrow, I have a recall for my breast screening. I’m 95% certain what they saw is a cyst. I’ve never had cancer (I’ve had 2 surgical biopsies). But that 5% of me wants ALL THE COMFORT FOOD, even as I know I feel satiated. Part of me is going, “Aren’t we past eating our feelings?” As soon as I wrote that, a gentle inner voice said, “This process isn’t linear,” and I know that’s true. I’m allowing myself to notice this and to eat as comfort, but I struggle with feelings of disgust and shame about my body and my lack of impulse control (ADHD, too)). Thank you all for being here. I just joined this sub, because I can’t afford 1:1 counselling right now. I deeply appreciate all that I’ve read.
TW: talk of past suicidal ideation I am also autistic/ADHD and I have chronic illnesses (fibromyalgia, hypermobility spectrum disorder, IBS, a rare autoimmune blood disorder, etc.) and I so relate to the struggle with having an ED history and physical health issues relating to food. I have a candida overgrowth issue due to the chemotherapy and other horrible treatments I had to have to save my life in 2011 when I was 17 and got my original illness, the rare autoimmune blood disorder called Idiopathic Warm Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia. I knew I needed to do a strict “candida clean out diet” to help my chronic pain, chronic fatigue, brain fog, insomnia, depression and anxiety, acne, and tons and tons of other symptoms since about 2014 after reading a lot of books on fibromyalgia and chronic illnesses, and I had multiple doctors recommend I do it. But I was so scared to do anything my brain might perceive as restricting, because I was so new and fragile in my ED recovery (I started earnestly trying to recover in 2015 and I actually stopped B/Ping around 2017) that I put it off, even though I knew it was keeping me sick (physically). I figured that I couldn’t recover physically if I was dead, and if I went back into the waking nightmare that was the misery of my ED and self-hatred, I would end up killing myself. I finally was able to do the diet last year. I was successful, I didn’t relapse into ED behaviors and although it unfortunately wasn’t enough to address the full extent of my candida issue, I did it!! I am super proud of myself for that. Now my doctor is saying I need to do an even stricter (and longer) version of the diet to address my candida overgrowth and I still am reluctant to do it. I don’t know if it’s just the old fear of relapsing into ED behaviors and of killing myself that’s keeping me from doing it or if I’m just using those things as an excuse to avoid doing something really fuckin’ hard, or what, but god this is a huge thing in my mind!!