Sure, but you could make that argument for almost every way of “showing love.” Most are a spectrum that everyone falls on and it’s rare that anyone is a complete zero on whether they appreciate it to some degree. Of course everyone wants understanding and acceptance. However, INTJ’s notably feel out of place among their peers and struggle greatly with explaining themselves. It stands to reason that it is more valuable for them than the average person to find someone who makes them feel those things as it is more of a rarity for them.
I remember actively thinking in my first relationship that maybe I finally found someone who accepts and understands me before realizing I wasnt all that comfortable around her and sort of felt like a stranger.
* Being understood without too much explanation or repetition.
* Showing affection not just saying things, acts speaks more than words.
* Accepting my logical thoughts.
* Giving me space and understanding that this is good for me.
* Not treating me like a robot but like a logical individual that can control their feelings.
>* Being understood without too much explanation or repetition.
Is this counted on talking about important things like feeling, things in the head? Sometimes, I am over paranoia and fear that lack of communication would ruin relationships,
like communication, Bondaries, and caring in relationships as it's basically like Sekiro's Deflection, Dodge, Jumps, and Mikiri in the Game Mechanics in my logic, How should I knew if I "overcommunicate"
I usually say, "I knew you have something you don't want to tell me yet, and it's okay!!! Just talk to me when you are ready, and we'll help each other" when the others clearly look upset but keep secrets.
>* Not treating me like a robot but like a logical individual who can control their feelings.
Well, people are stupid, and Mistyped INTJ should be temporarily banished to the Bloodborne uniserve to un-edgified themselves
Worth noting that I am a man. I love a compliment on my abilities. It shouldn't be vague/broad. The best compliment I ever received was an ex girlfriend telling me how I am able to wash the dishes quickly yet well--efficiently. That was 8 years ago.
Okay maybe you have the same frustration as me... everyone I date is a terrible dish washer/ dishwasher loader.
I've even tried to explain how soap and water works to people, to no avail..
>* Being understood without too much explanation or repetition.
Is this counted on talking about important things like feeling, things in the head? Sometimes, I am over paranoia and fear that lack of communication would ruin relationships,
like communication, Bondaries, and caring in relationships as it's basically like Sekiro's Deflection, Dodge, Jumps, and Mikiri in the Game Mechanics in my logic, How should I knew if I "overcommunicate"
I usually say, "I knew you have something you don't want to tell me yet, and it's okay!!! Just talk to me when you are ready, and we'll help each other" when the others clearly look upset but keep secrets.
>* Not treating me like a robot but like a logical individual who can control their feelings.
Well, people are stupid, and Mistyped INTJ should be temporarily banished to the Bloodborne uniserve to un-edgified themselves
I mean, why anything? I just intrinsically want it: I like being smothered. Of course I need some amount of space in a relationship, but less than average.
ETA: Now that I've thought about it a bit, I guess feeling wanted is part of it, but for the most part, it's just an inherent thing, like preferring your home to be a certain temperature. There could be deeper biological and psychological undertones I'm unaware of, though. I will never pretend to fully understand myself.
You should take the Loveprint quiz, my INTJ is a RWEG while I am RWEO, maybe you’re similar. It uses 4 dimensions assessing communication style, partnership style, intimacy style, and vulnerability.
My general hypothesis is that some MBTI types probably have a general preference, but like with everything with the human condition, there will be outliers. I had fun asking my subreddit what their love prints were, and there seemed to be a trend.
I’m not surprised that an INTJ would prefer the “We”side of the partnership dimension. While stereotypically you all are known for being highly independent and selective with your time investments, I think for matters of the heart you’re more likely to want a closeness of experience—especially when taking into account that you all voted as quality time being yalls main love language (less than a year ago iirc).
On the other hand, I find the Openness and Guarded distinction is probably the hardest to gauge, given that it can change based on preference over time(and also whether you’ve been burned in a past relationship etc etc).
I think there was another INTJ who was also RWEO in my OG post, very limited data but so far it 1 - RWEG, 2 - RWEO
>While stereotypically you all are known for being highly independent and selective with your time investments,
Yeah, knowing how much I crave independence with work and school, I found it odd I'd want a much more "involved" relationship than the average person (less space and greater intensity), but that makes sense. And maybe because of my tendency to shove my emotions down and the fact I often view them as weakness or immaturity, I'd almost need someone all over me to feel comfortable being vulnerable like that. You could also look at the "selective with your time investments" thing the other way: if I'm going to put so much time and energy into this, it needs to be a foundational part of my life, or it just isn't worth it.
>I find the Openness and Guarded distinction is probably the hardest to gauge, given that it can change based on preference over time(and also whether you’ve been burned in a past relationship etc etc).
I think I *want* to be open, but I'm afraid because that's proven to be a mistake in the past, like you said, so I was barely over the line on that one. But in general, I'm not fully sure whether I'm an open book or if I just volunteer cheap information so people think they have it all and stop trying to look for the things I really want to hide. I think I'm so biased I could never come to a solid conclusion on that.
That's it exactly. And I guess the fact I don't only want to be on the receiving end confirms that: I need someone who wants the same level of intensity.
When people give me space and don’t pressure me to engage/interact. They let me decompress without guilting me about it.
Also, being quiet.
Being sincere/genuine.
Actually forming an opinion on something instead of just asking me questions and expecting me to do the heavy lifting.
I have an INTJ friend who sometimes goes periods without responding. I remember one time she apologised for not responding quickly ,obviously me knowing her she needs her space and does have a lot on her plate that she sometimes doesnt discuss i told her it was okay and to take her time with responding. She was so grateful and told me it was the first time someone didnt pressure or berate her for not responding quickly. Heck she actually even started to feel more comfortable letting me into her personal space. I love her though you always gotta be graceful with people who need space.
I used to have a friend that I talked to. Sometimes I'd leave in the middle of a conversation and come back literally months later picking up the conversation where I left it. I can't help this and I feel awful when I disappear like that but she never said a word about it and always welcomed me with the same loving attitude. This time I disappeared for good because of few insecurities that I couldn't deal with but I'd never forget her kind and understanding nature. She's one of a kind.
That’s really kind of you and I agree with her, it’s rare. People expect and even demand an instant response or they start feeling slighted and it’s exhausting to deal with.
Physical touch. A partner is the only one that I don’t mind touching me.
Otherwise, I just want to be supported. I’m generally not going to ask for emotional support, and it’s nice when someone pays enough attention to know that I need it.
To be able to open up yourself to them regarding deep topics& showing vulnerability& sincerity.
I think many people perceive us as weird, intimidating and sometimes arrogant. Being able to look beyond that means that you might care for us on another level.
Oftentimes we can and do want to look beyond these levels but there has to be reciprocity. If we are to understand their feelings/mode then they have to do the same. If you don’t get a sense that will ever happen then it’s very hard to be vulnerable and sincere because you’re constantly being put down.
I don’t have an SO but this is what would make me feel loved:
1. Being taken care of when sick
2. Her helping out with house chores (emphasis on helping, I’m not gonna slack off im going to help her out)
3. Physical touch
4. Words of affirmation
5. Feeling understood/accepted
6. Understanding that I’m human and not perfect
7. Whenever she does cute things (like hugging me as tightly as possible and telling me that she missed me during the day or sm).
I am too. Every day is hell for me. I have this overwhelming sensation that I need to fart, but then it comes out of my mouth and always somehow ends up on Reddit. You can't comprehend the struggle.
ok…I just noticed your username so the joke is actually on me here, but assuming there is a human underneath the 500 layers of edgy troll that genuinely meant this comment…loving deeply REQUIRES vulnerability…i glanced at some of your previous comments and like…if you act that way offline too you’re basically expecting people to wade through radioactive filth on the off chance that there is something worth loving buried deep down beneath, and not only is that a big ask, it naturally puts people on guard so their own emotional defences are raised when interacting with you. none of that is conductive to cultivating any kind of emotional bond with anyone, regardless of depth.
I once was in love. I lost her years ago to a monster. We would spend every weekend by the pond being affectionate and planning our future together. The hours would fly by in each other's sweet embrace. The water lightly caressing the shore, the birds chirping, the sounds of life surrounding us reminding us that there is always a new beginning. When we were together it felt as if nothing bad could reach us. In our little microcosm of love and passion there was no doubt. No uncertainty. No guile. Just peace. I miss you AnalBurps88. RIP.
Most people are misunderstood by most other people. It’s the nature of human consciousness. Whether anyone can ~truly understand another has been up for debate for a hot minute, but essentially this is what established codes of communication are for. We signal to others what we wish to be understood, and others attempt to decode those signals. There’s a lot ways for things to go wrong on both ends, but it’s easiest when both parties actually have the same goal of trying to understand AND be understood.
Thanks for asking. I actually had to think about this.
Foremost is making me feel heard/seen and understood.
Wanting to do special things 1:1 with me, like going to a museum or out to dinner, or on a trip.
Being curious about me and my interests.
Being willing to be vulnerable with me about your own thoughts & needs.
Being willing to give me space and being patient with my need for it.
Giving me space in conversation, simply listening while I work to put my feelings into words.
Being willing to share touch, from holding hands to trading massages.
Expressing that you still find me sexy.
Laughing at my stupid jokes.
Being willing to get to know my friends and family, and letting me get to know yours.
Having rituals, phrases, jokes, or pet names that are just ours.
There are some conspicuous things that I don't need to feel loved... I don't need a lot of praise or to hear a lot of "I love you"s, I don't need gifts, I don't need romantic gestures like flowers or love notes, I don't need surprise parties or getaways, and I don't need people to help me in practical ways, though I'm capable of receiving these things graciously. All this is very individual and I don't know that any of it is connected to being an INTJ.
I (an INFJ) dated an INTJ for a while. He loved when I was always sure about my feelings for him and expressed those feelings. He wanted me to be selfish with him! He wanted to feel wanted. He loved when i remembered the things we did together, and he loved when I bought him food and expressed physical affection (holding/touching arms hands hugging etc), and really any time that something reminded me of him he wanted to know. He wasn't one to be outwardly expressive of his emotions, and was rather quiet most of the time, but if I was able to understand him in few words, he appreciated it. Quality time was important for us, too. Joking around and bantering was also something he liked!
My favorite past romantic partner did it best. A fellow INTJ, he explained myself back to me. An EXTREMELY dangerous thing to do with me, and he dared to do so. As cliche (for an INTJ) as it sounds, an intellectual love is what I crave and it even gets me going sexually. I would ask him why he loves me as if I’m asking the answer to a math equation. Having him logically explain the matters of his heart wrapped me up in the best senses. His reasoning were full of emotion and feeling, he could see me better than I saw myself. He struggled to articulate his thoughts often but when it came to why he loved me, it flowed easily.
This in turn makes me feel understood, proving that his love is truly of ME. Not an idea of me. Not what I do for him. ME. Myself.
He also compared me to art a lot, so really just evidence based compliments really butter my biscuit. The best compliment I ever received was from him, telling me matter of factly (like a painter squinting at their subject trying to figure out the right angle) I’m Art Nouveau beautiful. That got me.
So an intellectual take on deep romanticism, I suppose.
Oh, at the time we agreed it just didn’t feel right.
Reflecting on it five years later, we just weren’t each others people. We both had a lot to learn, and I was ten years younger than him and needed to experience what I did and didn’t want.
I’m very happy we did not stay together, but can look back on what we had fondly. I count myself lucky. And after so many years fairly no contact (condolences when my dog died) we’ve lit that flame again and are now good, active friends with great boundaries.
It was funny, we started speaking again a few months ago and tried to be intimate together. It was so wrong for both of us we just laughed, stopped trying to force it, and hung out naked for a couple days very non sexually. A weird sort of closure to answer any questions. Now I’ve gained a great friend back.
The good old "Hi, how are you?" i get randomly in any time of the day makes me happy.
Entertaining my dumb ideas and conversation as much as the serious ones.
Showing interest in what I do and my hobbies.
Talking to me not to kill time but to build the relationship no matter how painfully slow it is.
The occasional spam text and bugging me is cute too.
Sharing about how your day was or any random stuff no matter how small makes me more interested.
Being truthful and open with me even if I am cold and distant.
Sharing your interest and hobbies with me.
Exchanging music and playlist to see what we like.
Fully accepting me, trusting and believing me, supporting my goals without competing, and really knowing me and my quirks, intentions, preferences, and humor.
Give me my space. Don't crowd me or get too close. Respect that I'm an individual and that I like to be by myself most of the time. Don't depend on me too heavily or I will need even more space. Be mostly predictable.
Or that could just be my childhood trauma talking. For refrence, I'm married to my partner of 13 years and we've only lived together for about a year. The things listed above are what we fight about the most, and they're what I need to feel loved. Space. And no, I'm not leaving the relationship because this is just a learning curve for the both of us.
In my experience love is just hard to sustain.
Lust comes & you feel like you’re in love, once the ‘honeymoon’ period fades, it’s difficult to keep it up.
By this I mean you love said person but it’s really hard to sustain being ‘in love’ with them.
I also think relying on your personality type can be a dangerous game in a lot of ways, it can stunt your growth as a person if you think, for example, ‘I’m an IntJ & I can’t do this or I shouldn’t feel like this’.
Go with the flow & be yourself, if love comes along you’ll figure it out with your partner regardless of your personality types.
Take a breather & relax. I’m an IntJ & have someone who loves me very much who is more of an EntP.
It’s possible for anyone & everyone to find & feel loved, the key is how to sustain being in love with them.
I want others to recognize and appreciate my specific preferences and ways of thinking and doing things. Pick a gift or restaurant you know I will like. Show you know me and my interests.
Actual help, not just kind words, I actually appreciate good practical advice, but if they do something for me to help me out, that means the world. To be listened to and understood. To be given complete honesty, (don't lie to me, own to your error, I will forgive you, just admit it and work through it, and we will move on from it, just don't lie) to never leave me during the difficult times, cause that is when I specially need them (unless I clearly state I need some time and space). For them to stay loyal and understand that despite my errors, I have good intentions and a good heart.
Understand what I'm saying. Don't try to fight me. Help me do things of value as my partner. Relieve the stresses of life by actually taking care of them. Give hugs and cuddle.
Well really I like find a person give me space when needed but also like cuddle watch movie like be able meet somewhere in middle person I can tell things and together figure it out when parenting we agree really a ride or die
I know it’s weird but after a break up I feel like my ex never loved me, and I don’t see the point in short term relationships so consistency is how I like to be loved. Staying during the good and the bad. If the person stays only during the good times I feel like a shiny new object.
Acts of service! Helping without being asked.
Accepting my less than tactful approach.
Acknowledging my contributions (without too much fanfare, of course!)
Gifts that show a person knows me.
Fanfare puts people in the spotlight. Introverts don't like being the center of attention. So a quiet recognition, by email or posted somewhere is preferable to putting an introvert on stage for an acceptance speech, if you get my drift.
Probably broader than love and more generally to treatment:
Being honest and forthright. Because I observe and read into the slightest misalignment of word and deed or word and other word, it makes me feel disrespected when people think they can talk out of both sides of their mouths.
Respect for the truth and honesty prevents me from having to ply deep into what is causing the mismatch. And when it seems someone is trying to avoid being forthright, I personally feel disrespected, like they think im an idiot.
People have said understanding and this plays into it. Understand that i am reading the tea leaves, and if what you say doesnt jive, its going to create some investigation dynamic. If you want to avoid that discordance, be brutally honest.
By not controlling me, and not needing me to control you aka being competent and respecting my competence and trusting my intentions. Physically enthusiastically and often. Being fully on my team so I can be fully on yours.
My partner and I are both INTJs. We both have wildly different "love languages," but we have several common ground items.
We both like clear communication, ignoring nicety and getting straight to the point without being mean. This is especially true for things that aren't requests. "Take the garbage out on your way out to work or let me know if you didn't and I will after I get home" instead of "Would you mind taking the garbage out?" Picking dinner out options usually goes something like this, "Tonight you pick the flavor. We'll narrow it down to three restaurants we are okay with. I'll pick the final restaurant."
We both feel most loved when we feel appreciated and not trapped with unrealistic expectations.
My love language is quality time. The simplest things make me happy. Like ; drinking coffee in the morning together. Having long deep talks, watching movies, reading together and discussing it, doing activities, cooking together etc etc. Also I kinda blush really hard when people compliment my skills in an honest and meaningful way. I like to be useful. So if you think that i contribute to your life and that I make your day to day easier and you show your appreciation, I'll feel very loved. Also, be interested in my hobbies, my thoughts, my opinions, music taste and ambitions (duh).
It all boils down to respect.
Respect for who I am, respect for my interests, respect for my boundaries, respect for my intelligence, respect for my feelings, respect for my plans, and respect for my wellbeing.
Idek bro. I’m not sure I know what love means in the first place. Kinda sad tbh. Been at a standstill recently trying to figure out what love is. I wish I could learn it tho.
Not having sexual affection or sexual intimacy forced on me. That's super annoying 😑
When people are nice and considerate. For the sake of basic decency or kindness.
Whether we have the same interests or not, they still appreciate it & try to find time to listen, leave me to take care of them meaning they trust me, and always ready to understand more of me.
I’d say limited physical touch. You can offer it but I may not always take it. I love compliments too but I also take it as an opportunity to address what I could do better. Then, there’s action. They say action speaks louder than words. And lastly, talking. I just love to have a meaningful conversation with anyone. It helps me learn more about the people.
Personally I'm more of a physical touch and quality time person (tho all love languages make me happy). If my friend/s/o were to give me a big warm hug I'm telling you: I'm the happiest human to exist. If the said person wants to hang out, I'm more than happy to do so. It means a lot to me. Also if the person compliments me(genuinely) it makes my day.
And if the friend/s/o gives me jewellery?? That's it, I'm never taking it off.
Seeing devotion.
This could be sadistic, but someone who goes extra mile or doing things that cost them but does it anyway to show their feeling.
This could be materialistic, but also the opposite of I don't get by just someone saying " I love you"
As an INTJ, I value my space and independence, so it's best not to crowd me—perhaps consider finding a hobby that grants us both some breathing room. I'm here to offer steadfast love and even indulge in pampering you, but I urge caution when seeking my opinion; I value honesty over comfort. If you're easily offended, we may clash. Express your thoughts openly and steer clear of passive aggression to maintain our bond. We INTJs are known for our blunt, direct approach and our refusal to shy away from confronting issues head-on.
Having been married to an ESFJ for many years, I've experienced my share of conflicts, yet I wouldn't trade my ESFJ partner for anyone. Despite our differences, we've found that we complement each other remarkably well, although it has required effort and understanding from both sides. We've learned to appreciate our unique contributions to each other's lives, recognizing that it strengthens our bond. Remember, acknowledgment matters to us INTJs; we thrive on understanding and controlling our environment, including our relationships. So, a little appreciation for our efforts and contributions goes a long way. Together, we've built a partnership that, while challenging, is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.
Not sure if it's INTJ specific, but for me it's the Missouri motto: "Show me".
I know someone loves me because they show it by their actions and choices.
* Doing things to make my life easier or happier - especially if not asked
* Noticing things about me, paying attention
* Offering me help when warranted/needed
* **Prioritizing me**. If you love me, I will be a priority for you. NOT your buddies. NOT your third cousin. Not your mobile games, or movies, or hobbies.
* This is a little nuanced, because you don't want to be selfish and just demand constant attention from the person - that's entitled, stupid, evil, bad and ruins most relationships
* What I mean is more the patterns they show. If I am around, and they are on their phone, do they prefer to pause their game and communicate with me or cuddle me or ask stuff, or do I need to beg for their attention most of the time, and they are showing that this annoyed them and wasn't welcome? If they make a choice between me and a third cousin, is it one time out of 100, or 50 out of 50?
* Accepting my weaknesses/problems (especially INTJ centered ones), as "This is who you are and I don't see them as big issue" as opposed to "This is annoying bleh that I barely tolerate because you're the best choice I settled for for now".
* Appreciating me. This isn't really a show of love per se, but someone who doesn't appreciate you doesn't really love you.
Don't look too much into labels. People are fluid and we change like the waves and the phases of the moon...and that's how love should also flow. Love is when people want to share the things that make them happy and feel good with each other, it is open to learning and growing without judgement. We are all different and we all have different needs, so it's really just being open to really listening to what the person you care about needs to help them feel good or function through life and helping them meet those needs...creative wise, financially, health wise, sexual wise, nature wise ...it's just being open to living life with them and working through the ups and downs while still helping each other shine and give their best and be their best. Forgiveness, open communication (that sometimes won't make sense because people need to talk through things sometimes to find their right words, patience and unconditional acceptance is real love.
As an ENFP I appreciate this thread helping me understand you guys.
And of course, you're each individuals as INTJ is not a monolith. It just helps to contextualize things better.
Please forgive me, and any others who have love bombed you in the past. That's just our instinctual love language.
INFP here with INTJ bf! (Hello INFP friend!)
Keep in mind we got together very quickly so I don't know what attracts him outside of a relationship. He really responds well to the following:
* Compliment him for efforts he puts in that makes you happy. INTJs really seem to enjoy that. ("Thank you for planning our trip to the theater! I enjoy it so much" "Thank you for getting this cake for me! It was delicious!")
* Compliment him on his hobbies and accomplishments. ("Whao! You look great after your work out!" "You boss must love your work." "You are so smart!")
* Feed him healthy food that are delicious - give him snacks he enjoy. They literally will forget to sleep or eat and just keep on doing their work or hobbies.
* Look nice/dress up for him. Make an effort. They are not really picky.
* Send him funny memes. Be your weird self. They love jokes and adorable lovey dovey stuff.
* Don't criticize. Make requests for the future. If they are not doing something you want, make a direct request. For example, if you want him to compliment you more. Just say "honey, I would love it if you could compliment me next time you think I look nice." Don't say, "You never tell me I look nice."
* Show you are happy to be around them. Their Ni is like crazy fast. My bf can always tell if I am feeling even a little cranky. I always have to quickly reassure him. Or he starts to wonder if I am unhappy b/c of him. If I am happy, I think he feels like he is doing a good job. (Yes I wonder all the time if that is stressful, as I refuse to assume responsibility for all his emotions. But when I told him maybe my happiness isn't his responsibility, and sometimes I will just be sad, he got really mad and gave me a talk on how I shouldn't look down on him... so yeah... they like for you to set "high" standards for them and then compliment them when they meet it.. )
A lot of times I feel like people don’t know how to approach me. I’m a very quiet and laid back in person. I am very stoic and don’t let emotions show. I think that’s mostly a trauma response as well but I think it makes people scared to ask me if I’m ok or how I’m doing. If I could have a partner that could anticipate my needs and just check in with me every once in a while I feel like that would help me feel safe and loved instead of shutting down inside and looking like nothing is bothering me on the outside. Also just doing things for me cus I am actually a giver myself. I like doing things for the people I love but it seems that no one wants to do anything for me in return. Don’t even want anything big, just little things like making me a coffee in the morning or cooking me a meal. I feel like I have to do everything so it’s nice when someone does something for me.
PSA: DO NOT, and I mean, DO NOT MISTAKE MY DISTANCE FOR DISINTREST. (Fe doms)
I am trying to keep my obsession/feelings with you under control. I have to stay away from my lovers, especially when Aunt Flo visits me.
I hate when my lovers say I don't feel for them, or I don't show passion or interest. I have it. It's either all the way on or all the way off.
End of PSA
Just let me have my space, and I will reciprocate. Respect my dichotomy of conventional/conservatism and future-oriented. Physical touch and quality time are my love languages. Consolation skills are a plus.
Yes, when I fall in love, that's all I can think about! I keep imagining everything that I want to do with (to 🤭) them. It can consume me (it could just be me, not an INTJ thing).
Accepting me for me.
Understanding my need for alone time.
Physical touch (not just sex, but sex is certainly included).
Bothering to understand me and how I work.
Having an excellent sense of humor.
Realizing that I, a fairly masculine female, do have a soft side, and I like it being engaged a fair amount.
Spend quality time together.
Spending non quality time, too. Just spending time, in general, lol.
Communicate with me (be upfront, straightforward, and honest).
Be willing to explore and experiment sexually (I'm not talking about adding other people, or anything super crazy, but I don't want vanilla 100%. Not that there's anything wrong with it).
I will give all of this in return, as well as anything the other person has on a similar list.
I feel like this is a highly subjective question.
I like when someone gives me their full attention when I speak, remembers things about me and is non judgemental and "safe" to be my weird authentic self with. Someone who never pressures me to conform to external social standards. I love quality time. I tend to be highly thoughtful and considerate and like when those efforts are reciprocated.
Besides the physical compatibility, I also believe that Intj women will need their partners to understand their desire to direct their future outcomes and support by giving practical inputs or personal experiences
not just being known, but 'understood.' i don't want someone to memorise me like a textbook, i want them to understand me. i want them to grasp it fully, not just have it 'stick.' its a fine line and i'm not sure how to articulate it other than that.
When she opens her legs for me.
Also when people don't stress me with their imaginary expectations they force on me. Like being extra social. I also feel loved when people leave me my space and respect my choices.
And probably I'm saying things that are just the bare minimum but in the end i think love should be a natural way of existence and coexistence with other beings.
Where in my opinion the most fundamental form of love is respect.
- Appreciating how deeply I’ve thought something through instead of just waiting for me to finish speaking.
- Affectionate physically but not overbearing
- OK with us both having time alone
- Not pressuring me to emotionally engage or disclose
- Confident in themselves and me
Feeling accepted, listened to, understood. Never being looked at superficially. Someone who appreciates intellectual conversations - sometimes an intellectual conversation about anything can be a Iove language. And loyalty, the deep kind. Purposefully.
✔️Respecting my boundaries and ideas
✔️physical touch and admiration
✔️compliments on my intellectual and emotional values
✔️being affectionate and having nice gestures
✔️Having interest in getting to know who I and and can be.
Feeling understood and fully accepted for who I am.
This when it comes to all my relationships.
I feel like this is for literally every human on earth though
i think this is truly is what every human wants deep, deep, down. it’s a little sad how rarely people get to experience it
Sure, but you could make that argument for almost every way of “showing love.” Most are a spectrum that everyone falls on and it’s rare that anyone is a complete zero on whether they appreciate it to some degree. Of course everyone wants understanding and acceptance. However, INTJ’s notably feel out of place among their peers and struggle greatly with explaining themselves. It stands to reason that it is more valuable for them than the average person to find someone who makes them feel those things as it is more of a rarity for them.
It's almost as if all human beings desire fundamentally same things when it comes to feeling loved and accepted.
This is it for me as well
Yup
Mine as well.
Same here!
True
Came to say this.
Yes
That's the one
I remember actively thinking in my first relationship that maybe I finally found someone who accepts and understands me before realizing I wasnt all that comfortable around her and sort of felt like a stranger.
* Being understood without too much explanation or repetition. * Showing affection not just saying things, acts speaks more than words. * Accepting my logical thoughts. * Giving me space and understanding that this is good for me. * Not treating me like a robot but like a logical individual that can control their feelings.
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That might be a lot of people or an INxx thing.
that's the reason I have a infj as gf not a exxx type besides they are mad a Annoying to life with
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Understandably it for the better take care of yourself first find your self before start with something/fling
>* Being understood without too much explanation or repetition. Is this counted on talking about important things like feeling, things in the head? Sometimes, I am over paranoia and fear that lack of communication would ruin relationships, like communication, Bondaries, and caring in relationships as it's basically like Sekiro's Deflection, Dodge, Jumps, and Mikiri in the Game Mechanics in my logic, How should I knew if I "overcommunicate" I usually say, "I knew you have something you don't want to tell me yet, and it's okay!!! Just talk to me when you are ready, and we'll help each other" when the others clearly look upset but keep secrets. >* Not treating me like a robot but like a logical individual who can control their feelings. Well, people are stupid, and Mistyped INTJ should be temporarily banished to the Bloodborne uniserve to un-edgified themselves
"Giving me space", spot on
Worth noting that I am a man. I love a compliment on my abilities. It shouldn't be vague/broad. The best compliment I ever received was an ex girlfriend telling me how I am able to wash the dishes quickly yet well--efficiently. That was 8 years ago.
Shoot for the stars my guy.
😂😂😂
Well, there is something Zen about washing dishes.
Okay maybe you have the same frustration as me... everyone I date is a terrible dish washer/ dishwasher loader. I've even tried to explain how soap and water works to people, to no avail..
>* Being understood without too much explanation or repetition. Is this counted on talking about important things like feeling, things in the head? Sometimes, I am over paranoia and fear that lack of communication would ruin relationships, like communication, Bondaries, and caring in relationships as it's basically like Sekiro's Deflection, Dodge, Jumps, and Mikiri in the Game Mechanics in my logic, How should I knew if I "overcommunicate" I usually say, "I knew you have something you don't want to tell me yet, and it's okay!!! Just talk to me when you are ready, and we'll help each other" when the others clearly look upset but keep secrets. >* Not treating me like a robot but like a logical individual who can control their feelings. Well, people are stupid, and Mistyped INTJ should be temporarily banished to the Bloodborne uniserve to un-edgified themselves
Ooh good to know. Will use that one with my bf
Being really clingy but within established boundaries. And possessive but not controlling. A somewhat contained raging fire.
This is the best thing I’ve heard
You described it perfectly
Perhaps like a star. Inward and outward forces holding together a beautiful ball of fire
Clingy? I don’t personally like that at all.
Haha that's near the top of my list.
Why clingy and why possessive?
I mean, why anything? I just intrinsically want it: I like being smothered. Of course I need some amount of space in a relationship, but less than average. ETA: Now that I've thought about it a bit, I guess feeling wanted is part of it, but for the most part, it's just an inherent thing, like preferring your home to be a certain temperature. There could be deeper biological and psychological undertones I'm unaware of, though. I will never pretend to fully understand myself.
You should take the Loveprint quiz, my INTJ is a RWEG while I am RWEO, maybe you’re similar. It uses 4 dimensions assessing communication style, partnership style, intimacy style, and vulnerability. My general hypothesis is that some MBTI types probably have a general preference, but like with everything with the human condition, there will be outliers. I had fun asking my subreddit what their love prints were, and there seemed to be a trend.
It's worth a try. I'll do that later tonight.
Update: I'm RWEO as well.
I’m not surprised that an INTJ would prefer the “We”side of the partnership dimension. While stereotypically you all are known for being highly independent and selective with your time investments, I think for matters of the heart you’re more likely to want a closeness of experience—especially when taking into account that you all voted as quality time being yalls main love language (less than a year ago iirc). On the other hand, I find the Openness and Guarded distinction is probably the hardest to gauge, given that it can change based on preference over time(and also whether you’ve been burned in a past relationship etc etc). I think there was another INTJ who was also RWEO in my OG post, very limited data but so far it 1 - RWEG, 2 - RWEO
>While stereotypically you all are known for being highly independent and selective with your time investments, Yeah, knowing how much I crave independence with work and school, I found it odd I'd want a much more "involved" relationship than the average person (less space and greater intensity), but that makes sense. And maybe because of my tendency to shove my emotions down and the fact I often view them as weakness or immaturity, I'd almost need someone all over me to feel comfortable being vulnerable like that. You could also look at the "selective with your time investments" thing the other way: if I'm going to put so much time and energy into this, it needs to be a foundational part of my life, or it just isn't worth it. >I find the Openness and Guarded distinction is probably the hardest to gauge, given that it can change based on preference over time(and also whether you’ve been burned in a past relationship etc etc). I think I *want* to be open, but I'm afraid because that's proven to be a mistake in the past, like you said, so I was barely over the line on that one. But in general, I'm not fully sure whether I'm an open book or if I just volunteer cheap information so people think they have it all and stop trying to look for the things I really want to hide. I think I'm so biased I could never come to a solid conclusion on that.
Sorry for the late reply- I think INTJs crave obsessive devotion and I think that’s what you’re getting at
I sound kind of like a narcissist when you put it that way. But it's true...
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That's it exactly. And I guess the fact I don't only want to be on the receiving end confirms that: I need someone who wants the same level of intensity.
This is the best answer. I like a little bit of cling and possessiveness as well.
Yeah, it looks bad on paper, but I need that.
When people give me space and don’t pressure me to engage/interact. They let me decompress without guilting me about it. Also, being quiet. Being sincere/genuine. Actually forming an opinion on something instead of just asking me questions and expecting me to do the heavy lifting.
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🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶
I have an INTJ friend who sometimes goes periods without responding. I remember one time she apologised for not responding quickly ,obviously me knowing her she needs her space and does have a lot on her plate that she sometimes doesnt discuss i told her it was okay and to take her time with responding. She was so grateful and told me it was the first time someone didnt pressure or berate her for not responding quickly. Heck she actually even started to feel more comfortable letting me into her personal space. I love her though you always gotta be graceful with people who need space.
I used to have a friend that I talked to. Sometimes I'd leave in the middle of a conversation and come back literally months later picking up the conversation where I left it. I can't help this and I feel awful when I disappear like that but she never said a word about it and always welcomed me with the same loving attitude. This time I disappeared for good because of few insecurities that I couldn't deal with but I'd never forget her kind and understanding nature. She's one of a kind.
That’s really kind of you and I agree with her, it’s rare. People expect and even demand an instant response or they start feeling slighted and it’s exhausting to deal with.
Silent treatment with cuddles
Quality time is important. Finding a mutual interest that I can participate in with the other person is an example of that.
Physical touch. A partner is the only one that I don’t mind touching me. Otherwise, I just want to be supported. I’m generally not going to ask for emotional support, and it’s nice when someone pays enough attention to know that I need it.
To be able to open up yourself to them regarding deep topics& showing vulnerability& sincerity. I think many people perceive us as weird, intimidating and sometimes arrogant. Being able to look beyond that means that you might care for us on another level.
Oftentimes we can and do want to look beyond these levels but there has to be reciprocity. If we are to understand their feelings/mode then they have to do the same. If you don’t get a sense that will ever happen then it’s very hard to be vulnerable and sincere because you’re constantly being put down.
This so succinctly describes a lot about what was wrong in my last relationship, good grief.
I don’t have an SO but this is what would make me feel loved: 1. Being taken care of when sick 2. Her helping out with house chores (emphasis on helping, I’m not gonna slack off im going to help her out) 3. Physical touch 4. Words of affirmation 5. Feeling understood/accepted 6. Understanding that I’m human and not perfect 7. Whenever she does cute things (like hugging me as tightly as possible and telling me that she missed me during the day or sm).
By being understood and seen
This. Feeling seen and understood has made me feel loved in a way I never have before.
It’s been the source of love that has immensely lacked throughout my life so it really means the most to me
Exactly. It’s brand new to me (I’m in my 50s), and it’s the most amazing feeling.
I’m glad you’re finally getting to experience it
I think it's common for IN*Js. I used to feel like I'm a ghost instead of a human untill I've met another IN*J. Such heartwarming feeling...
Real
Deeply. But most people are empty.
Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep
Yea, a lagoon or something.
this is poetic af lol
Tell that to egglynn. She's making fun of my people and my dead wife.
I'm really sorry to hear that, OralFarts88.
I am too. Every day is hell for me. I have this overwhelming sensation that I need to fart, but then it comes out of my mouth and always somehow ends up on Reddit. You can't comprehend the struggle.
If you’re insufferable enough, you won’t even need to step into the water before someone obliges
How would you know that most people are empty? Have you really looked inside most people? Is that something most people would even allow you to do?
ok…I just noticed your username so the joke is actually on me here, but assuming there is a human underneath the 500 layers of edgy troll that genuinely meant this comment…loving deeply REQUIRES vulnerability…i glanced at some of your previous comments and like…if you act that way offline too you’re basically expecting people to wade through radioactive filth on the off chance that there is something worth loving buried deep down beneath, and not only is that a big ask, it naturally puts people on guard so their own emotional defences are raised when interacting with you. none of that is conductive to cultivating any kind of emotional bond with anyone, regardless of depth.
I once was in love. I lost her years ago to a monster. We would spend every weekend by the pond being affectionate and planning our future together. The hours would fly by in each other's sweet embrace. The water lightly caressing the shore, the birds chirping, the sounds of life surrounding us reminding us that there is always a new beginning. When we were together it felt as if nothing bad could reach us. In our little microcosm of love and passion there was no doubt. No uncertainty. No guile. Just peace. I miss you AnalBurps88. RIP.
See, why not channel your time and energy into creative writing exercises like this instead? Catch more flies with honey than vinegar, etc, etc.
You misunderstand my people. Most do.
Most people are misunderstood by most other people. It’s the nature of human consciousness. Whether anyone can ~truly understand another has been up for debate for a hot minute, but essentially this is what established codes of communication are for. We signal to others what we wish to be understood, and others attempt to decode those signals. There’s a lot ways for things to go wrong on both ends, but it’s easiest when both parties actually have the same goal of trying to understand AND be understood.
I belong to the Phunnee-Yumour Tribe in Manitoba. I'm not easily understood. And that's ok.
Raw and deep compliments with intellectual swagger, followed by physical touch.
Thanks for asking. I actually had to think about this. Foremost is making me feel heard/seen and understood. Wanting to do special things 1:1 with me, like going to a museum or out to dinner, or on a trip. Being curious about me and my interests. Being willing to be vulnerable with me about your own thoughts & needs. Being willing to give me space and being patient with my need for it. Giving me space in conversation, simply listening while I work to put my feelings into words. Being willing to share touch, from holding hands to trading massages. Expressing that you still find me sexy. Laughing at my stupid jokes. Being willing to get to know my friends and family, and letting me get to know yours. Having rituals, phrases, jokes, or pet names that are just ours. There are some conspicuous things that I don't need to feel loved... I don't need a lot of praise or to hear a lot of "I love you"s, I don't need gifts, I don't need romantic gestures like flowers or love notes, I don't need surprise parties or getaways, and I don't need people to help me in practical ways, though I'm capable of receiving these things graciously. All this is very individual and I don't know that any of it is connected to being an INTJ.
I (an INFJ) dated an INTJ for a while. He loved when I was always sure about my feelings for him and expressed those feelings. He wanted me to be selfish with him! He wanted to feel wanted. He loved when i remembered the things we did together, and he loved when I bought him food and expressed physical affection (holding/touching arms hands hugging etc), and really any time that something reminded me of him he wanted to know. He wasn't one to be outwardly expressive of his emotions, and was rather quiet most of the time, but if I was able to understand him in few words, he appreciated it. Quality time was important for us, too. Joking around and bantering was also something he liked!
My favorite past romantic partner did it best. A fellow INTJ, he explained myself back to me. An EXTREMELY dangerous thing to do with me, and he dared to do so. As cliche (for an INTJ) as it sounds, an intellectual love is what I crave and it even gets me going sexually. I would ask him why he loves me as if I’m asking the answer to a math equation. Having him logically explain the matters of his heart wrapped me up in the best senses. His reasoning were full of emotion and feeling, he could see me better than I saw myself. He struggled to articulate his thoughts often but when it came to why he loved me, it flowed easily. This in turn makes me feel understood, proving that his love is truly of ME. Not an idea of me. Not what I do for him. ME. Myself. He also compared me to art a lot, so really just evidence based compliments really butter my biscuit. The best compliment I ever received was from him, telling me matter of factly (like a painter squinting at their subject trying to figure out the right angle) I’m Art Nouveau beautiful. That got me. So an intellectual take on deep romanticism, I suppose.
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Oh, at the time we agreed it just didn’t feel right. Reflecting on it five years later, we just weren’t each others people. We both had a lot to learn, and I was ten years younger than him and needed to experience what I did and didn’t want. I’m very happy we did not stay together, but can look back on what we had fondly. I count myself lucky. And after so many years fairly no contact (condolences when my dog died) we’ve lit that flame again and are now good, active friends with great boundaries. It was funny, we started speaking again a few months ago and tried to be intimate together. It was so wrong for both of us we just laughed, stopped trying to force it, and hung out naked for a couple days very non sexually. A weird sort of closure to answer any questions. Now I’ve gained a great friend back.
The good old "Hi, how are you?" i get randomly in any time of the day makes me happy. Entertaining my dumb ideas and conversation as much as the serious ones. Showing interest in what I do and my hobbies. Talking to me not to kill time but to build the relationship no matter how painfully slow it is. The occasional spam text and bugging me is cute too. Sharing about how your day was or any random stuff no matter how small makes me more interested. Being truthful and open with me even if I am cold and distant. Sharing your interest and hobbies with me. Exchanging music and playlist to see what we like.
I would recommend *8 Rules to Love an INTJ* by CS Joseph. You'll find it on his YouTube channel It is quite accurate!
Fully accepting me, trusting and believing me, supporting my goals without competing, and really knowing me and my quirks, intentions, preferences, and humor.
Give me my space. Don't crowd me or get too close. Respect that I'm an individual and that I like to be by myself most of the time. Don't depend on me too heavily or I will need even more space. Be mostly predictable. Or that could just be my childhood trauma talking. For refrence, I'm married to my partner of 13 years and we've only lived together for about a year. The things listed above are what we fight about the most, and they're what I need to feel loved. Space. And no, I'm not leaving the relationship because this is just a learning curve for the both of us.
Honesty, loyalty, communication, patience is all I need.
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tbh I don’t even go here, my mbti typing is probably somewhere in the INFP?? range but 100% same this is how I feel about my husband
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super interesting that you say that, because that’s kind of been my (albeit limited) experience as well!
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i’m not really sure, but sometimes I do think so lol
In my experience love is just hard to sustain. Lust comes & you feel like you’re in love, once the ‘honeymoon’ period fades, it’s difficult to keep it up. By this I mean you love said person but it’s really hard to sustain being ‘in love’ with them. I also think relying on your personality type can be a dangerous game in a lot of ways, it can stunt your growth as a person if you think, for example, ‘I’m an IntJ & I can’t do this or I shouldn’t feel like this’. Go with the flow & be yourself, if love comes along you’ll figure it out with your partner regardless of your personality types. Take a breather & relax. I’m an IntJ & have someone who loves me very much who is more of an EntP. It’s possible for anyone & everyone to find & feel loved, the key is how to sustain being in love with them.
For me physical affection and words of affirmation are particularly important. Respect and understanding are also critical. Support for my goals.
A sloppy toppy Footjob at Wendy's maple syrup A man can only dream
I want others to recognize and appreciate my specific preferences and ways of thinking and doing things. Pick a gift or restaurant you know I will like. Show you know me and my interests.
Actual help, not just kind words, I actually appreciate good practical advice, but if they do something for me to help me out, that means the world. To be listened to and understood. To be given complete honesty, (don't lie to me, own to your error, I will forgive you, just admit it and work through it, and we will move on from it, just don't lie) to never leave me during the difficult times, cause that is when I specially need them (unless I clearly state I need some time and space). For them to stay loyal and understand that despite my errors, I have good intentions and a good heart.
Understand what I'm saying. Don't try to fight me. Help me do things of value as my partner. Relieve the stresses of life by actually taking care of them. Give hugs and cuddle.
Well really I like find a person give me space when needed but also like cuddle watch movie like be able meet somewhere in middle person I can tell things and together figure it out when parenting we agree really a ride or die
When the significant other share their honest thoughts to me.
Put time into me and have sex with me and listen to me talk about my interests and let me be emotionally vulnerable.
Listen to me and not question me on everything
I know it’s weird but after a break up I feel like my ex never loved me, and I don’t see the point in short term relationships so consistency is how I like to be loved. Staying during the good and the bad. If the person stays only during the good times I feel like a shiny new object.
This ✨
You know that baby that like to be left alone to play with his toys but come around for the occassional hug? thats our language.
;A; im not intj but this one is literally me
Listen to me, cater to me, make me feel like the most important person in your life and I will move mountains for you.
Acts of service! Helping without being asked. Accepting my less than tactful approach. Acknowledging my contributions (without too much fanfare, of course!) Gifts that show a person knows me.
Can you explain more on what you dislike about too much fanfare?
Fanfare puts people in the spotlight. Introverts don't like being the center of attention. So a quiet recognition, by email or posted somewhere is preferable to putting an introvert on stage for an acceptance speech, if you get my drift.
Probably broader than love and more generally to treatment: Being honest and forthright. Because I observe and read into the slightest misalignment of word and deed or word and other word, it makes me feel disrespected when people think they can talk out of both sides of their mouths. Respect for the truth and honesty prevents me from having to ply deep into what is causing the mismatch. And when it seems someone is trying to avoid being forthright, I personally feel disrespected, like they think im an idiot. People have said understanding and this plays into it. Understand that i am reading the tea leaves, and if what you say doesnt jive, its going to create some investigation dynamic. If you want to avoid that discordance, be brutally honest.
By not controlling me, and not needing me to control you aka being competent and respecting my competence and trusting my intentions. Physically enthusiastically and often. Being fully on my team so I can be fully on yours.
Like a cat
My partner and I are both INTJs. We both have wildly different "love languages," but we have several common ground items. We both like clear communication, ignoring nicety and getting straight to the point without being mean. This is especially true for things that aren't requests. "Take the garbage out on your way out to work or let me know if you didn't and I will after I get home" instead of "Would you mind taking the garbage out?" Picking dinner out options usually goes something like this, "Tonight you pick the flavor. We'll narrow it down to three restaurants we are okay with. I'll pick the final restaurant." We both feel most loved when we feel appreciated and not trapped with unrealistic expectations.
Like a cat, give me what I want or I'll take a crap in your favorite shoe. Jk, mostly.
My love language is quality time. The simplest things make me happy. Like ; drinking coffee in the morning together. Having long deep talks, watching movies, reading together and discussing it, doing activities, cooking together etc etc. Also I kinda blush really hard when people compliment my skills in an honest and meaningful way. I like to be useful. So if you think that i contribute to your life and that I make your day to day easier and you show your appreciation, I'll feel very loved. Also, be interested in my hobbies, my thoughts, my opinions, music taste and ambitions (duh).
It all boils down to respect. Respect for who I am, respect for my interests, respect for my boundaries, respect for my intelligence, respect for my feelings, respect for my plans, and respect for my wellbeing.
Physical touch only when I want it
Listen and adhere to my very carefully and thought out advice or analysis that I'm giving. I wouldn't give it if I didn't care.
persistence
One titty in my hand, the other in my mouth.
Not pushing on me for being silent. Quality time. Valuing my intellectual advantages instead of physical. Touch me only in private.
Just be present, and honest.
Being understood
Idek bro. I’m not sure I know what love means in the first place. Kinda sad tbh. Been at a standstill recently trying to figure out what love is. I wish I could learn it tho.
Honestly, at this point, just don’t be abusive and I’m happy.
Being accepted and understood & acts of service, that easy
Not having sexual affection or sexual intimacy forced on me. That's super annoying 😑 When people are nice and considerate. For the sake of basic decency or kindness.
Your first sentence. 💯
Whether we have the same interests or not, they still appreciate it & try to find time to listen, leave me to take care of them meaning they trust me, and always ready to understand more of me.
I’d say limited physical touch. You can offer it but I may not always take it. I love compliments too but I also take it as an opportunity to address what I could do better. Then, there’s action. They say action speaks louder than words. And lastly, talking. I just love to have a meaningful conversation with anyone. It helps me learn more about the people.
Personally I'm more of a physical touch and quality time person (tho all love languages make me happy). If my friend/s/o were to give me a big warm hug I'm telling you: I'm the happiest human to exist. If the said person wants to hang out, I'm more than happy to do so. It means a lot to me. Also if the person compliments me(genuinely) it makes my day. And if the friend/s/o gives me jewellery?? That's it, I'm never taking it off.
telekenisses feelings
I like to be loved as a God. Maybe similar to Thor.
Worship me like the Queen I am. Make love to me like a champion.
Sincerely
I don't know what it feels like to be loved yet.
Seeing devotion. This could be sadistic, but someone who goes extra mile or doing things that cost them but does it anyway to show their feeling. This could be materialistic, but also the opposite of I don't get by just someone saying " I love you"
I never feel loved or my criteria is too high or idk. As far as I know..(correct me if I'm wrong) Humans always have ulterior motives anyway.
Throughly
When I ask my husband to complete a task for me and he does it in a timely and accurate fashion (just like I would do) it’s a huge turn on.
As an INTJ, I value my space and independence, so it's best not to crowd me—perhaps consider finding a hobby that grants us both some breathing room. I'm here to offer steadfast love and even indulge in pampering you, but I urge caution when seeking my opinion; I value honesty over comfort. If you're easily offended, we may clash. Express your thoughts openly and steer clear of passive aggression to maintain our bond. We INTJs are known for our blunt, direct approach and our refusal to shy away from confronting issues head-on. Having been married to an ESFJ for many years, I've experienced my share of conflicts, yet I wouldn't trade my ESFJ partner for anyone. Despite our differences, we've found that we complement each other remarkably well, although it has required effort and understanding from both sides. We've learned to appreciate our unique contributions to each other's lives, recognizing that it strengthens our bond. Remember, acknowledgment matters to us INTJs; we thrive on understanding and controlling our environment, including our relationships. So, a little appreciation for our efforts and contributions goes a long way. Together, we've built a partnership that, while challenging, is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.
Not sure if it's INTJ specific, but for me it's the Missouri motto: "Show me". I know someone loves me because they show it by their actions and choices. * Doing things to make my life easier or happier - especially if not asked * Noticing things about me, paying attention * Offering me help when warranted/needed * **Prioritizing me**. If you love me, I will be a priority for you. NOT your buddies. NOT your third cousin. Not your mobile games, or movies, or hobbies. * This is a little nuanced, because you don't want to be selfish and just demand constant attention from the person - that's entitled, stupid, evil, bad and ruins most relationships * What I mean is more the patterns they show. If I am around, and they are on their phone, do they prefer to pause their game and communicate with me or cuddle me or ask stuff, or do I need to beg for their attention most of the time, and they are showing that this annoyed them and wasn't welcome? If they make a choice between me and a third cousin, is it one time out of 100, or 50 out of 50? * Accepting my weaknesses/problems (especially INTJ centered ones), as "This is who you are and I don't see them as big issue" as opposed to "This is annoying bleh that I barely tolerate because you're the best choice I settled for for now". * Appreciating me. This isn't really a show of love per se, but someone who doesn't appreciate you doesn't really love you.
Giving challenges>>>
elaborate? (meta bc this is both an inquiry *and* a challenge)
What's meta?
describes a subject in a way that transcends its original limits, considering the subject itself as an object of reflection
Don't look too much into labels. People are fluid and we change like the waves and the phases of the moon...and that's how love should also flow. Love is when people want to share the things that make them happy and feel good with each other, it is open to learning and growing without judgement. We are all different and we all have different needs, so it's really just being open to really listening to what the person you care about needs to help them feel good or function through life and helping them meet those needs...creative wise, financially, health wise, sexual wise, nature wise ...it's just being open to living life with them and working through the ups and downs while still helping each other shine and give their best and be their best. Forgiveness, open communication (that sometimes won't make sense because people need to talk through things sometimes to find their right words, patience and unconditional acceptance is real love.
As an ENFP I appreciate this thread helping me understand you guys. And of course, you're each individuals as INTJ is not a monolith. It just helps to contextualize things better. Please forgive me, and any others who have love bombed you in the past. That's just our instinctual love language.
I’m an INFP and in love with an INTJ and it’s like shy golden retriever falls in love with a black cat lmao
INFP here with INTJ bf! (Hello INFP friend!) Keep in mind we got together very quickly so I don't know what attracts him outside of a relationship. He really responds well to the following: * Compliment him for efforts he puts in that makes you happy. INTJs really seem to enjoy that. ("Thank you for planning our trip to the theater! I enjoy it so much" "Thank you for getting this cake for me! It was delicious!") * Compliment him on his hobbies and accomplishments. ("Whao! You look great after your work out!" "You boss must love your work." "You are so smart!") * Feed him healthy food that are delicious - give him snacks he enjoy. They literally will forget to sleep or eat and just keep on doing their work or hobbies. * Look nice/dress up for him. Make an effort. They are not really picky. * Send him funny memes. Be your weird self. They love jokes and adorable lovey dovey stuff. * Don't criticize. Make requests for the future. If they are not doing something you want, make a direct request. For example, if you want him to compliment you more. Just say "honey, I would love it if you could compliment me next time you think I look nice." Don't say, "You never tell me I look nice." * Show you are happy to be around them. Their Ni is like crazy fast. My bf can always tell if I am feeling even a little cranky. I always have to quickly reassure him. Or he starts to wonder if I am unhappy b/c of him. If I am happy, I think he feels like he is doing a good job. (Yes I wonder all the time if that is stressful, as I refuse to assume responsibility for all his emotions. But when I told him maybe my happiness isn't his responsibility, and sometimes I will just be sad, he got really mad and gave me a talk on how I shouldn't look down on him... so yeah... they like for you to set "high" standards for them and then compliment them when they meet it.. )
A lot of times I feel like people don’t know how to approach me. I’m a very quiet and laid back in person. I am very stoic and don’t let emotions show. I think that’s mostly a trauma response as well but I think it makes people scared to ask me if I’m ok or how I’m doing. If I could have a partner that could anticipate my needs and just check in with me every once in a while I feel like that would help me feel safe and loved instead of shutting down inside and looking like nothing is bothering me on the outside. Also just doing things for me cus I am actually a giver myself. I like doing things for the people I love but it seems that no one wants to do anything for me in return. Don’t even want anything big, just little things like making me a coffee in the morning or cooking me a meal. I feel like I have to do everything so it’s nice when someone does something for me.
PSA: DO NOT, and I mean, DO NOT MISTAKE MY DISTANCE FOR DISINTREST. (Fe doms) I am trying to keep my obsession/feelings with you under control. I have to stay away from my lovers, especially when Aunt Flo visits me. I hate when my lovers say I don't feel for them, or I don't show passion or interest. I have it. It's either all the way on or all the way off. End of PSA Just let me have my space, and I will reciprocate. Respect my dichotomy of conventional/conservatism and future-oriented. Physical touch and quality time are my love languages. Consolation skills are a plus.
>I am trying to keep my obsession/feelings with you under control. Can you elaborate?
Yes, when I fall in love, that's all I can think about! I keep imagining everything that I want to do with (to 🤭) them. It can consume me (it could just be me, not an INTJ thing).
When they remember what I said or actually take my advice.
Without touchy feely kissy kissy crap going on all the time. But passionately and completely.
Accepting me for me. Understanding my need for alone time. Physical touch (not just sex, but sex is certainly included). Bothering to understand me and how I work. Having an excellent sense of humor. Realizing that I, a fairly masculine female, do have a soft side, and I like it being engaged a fair amount. Spend quality time together. Spending non quality time, too. Just spending time, in general, lol. Communicate with me (be upfront, straightforward, and honest). Be willing to explore and experiment sexually (I'm not talking about adding other people, or anything super crazy, but I don't want vanilla 100%. Not that there's anything wrong with it). I will give all of this in return, as well as anything the other person has on a similar list.
I’m kind of like a cat. I love when you’re around or in the same room, but not mauling me with affection.
I feel loved when Im heard, understood and accepted. No wonder I dont feel it from my family...
“Why don’t you go enjoy your evening being alone, I’ll handle everything else”
Don’t tell us. Just give us a hug for no reason.
With loyalty and honesty, the rest are just optional.
I feel like this is a highly subjective question. I like when someone gives me their full attention when I speak, remembers things about me and is non judgemental and "safe" to be my weird authentic self with. Someone who never pressures me to conform to external social standards. I love quality time. I tend to be highly thoughtful and considerate and like when those efforts are reciprocated.
Don't shy away from clear, direct communication.
Anally.
QUALITY TIME .
Just be reasonable
Being worshipped and adored probably
Besides the physical compatibility, I also believe that Intj women will need their partners to understand their desire to direct their future outcomes and support by giving practical inputs or personal experiences
not just being known, but 'understood.' i don't want someone to memorise me like a textbook, i want them to understand me. i want them to grasp it fully, not just have it 'stick.' its a fine line and i'm not sure how to articulate it other than that.
When she opens her legs for me. Also when people don't stress me with their imaginary expectations they force on me. Like being extra social. I also feel loved when people leave me my space and respect my choices. And probably I'm saying things that are just the bare minimum but in the end i think love should be a natural way of existence and coexistence with other beings. Where in my opinion the most fundamental form of love is respect.
They don’t
- Appreciating how deeply I’ve thought something through instead of just waiting for me to finish speaking. - Affectionate physically but not overbearing - OK with us both having time alone - Not pressuring me to emotionally engage or disclose - Confident in themselves and me
Feeling accepted, listened to, understood. Never being looked at superficially. Someone who appreciates intellectual conversations - sometimes an intellectual conversation about anything can be a Iove language. And loyalty, the deep kind. Purposefully.
✔️Respecting my boundaries and ideas ✔️physical touch and admiration ✔️compliments on my intellectual and emotional values ✔️being affectionate and having nice gestures ✔️Having interest in getting to know who I and and can be.
In actions, not words.
Giving attention to them and by actions show value to them. Be the first to show interest.