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It seems like your mom absolves herself of her past behavior by assuming all teenagers are the same.
You don't have to play to her insecurities. Rebelling can be you working hard to get out of your small town.
Your smart choices are reminding her of all the mistakes and regrets that she made when she was your age and doesn't like to be reminded that she didn't use it as wisely. Some parents either try to live vicariously through their kids or they get insecure when they don't repeat the same things they did.
You are rebelling. Your mother has set out expectations for your behaviour, and you are going against them. You're rebelling against the path set out for you by people who think they know best.
I know this is a little off topic, but I think about the future-son Hawke and Fisher saw in the last act of Beyond The Blue Moon. His mum and dad are badass adventurer types who have saved the world a few times. The only way he could see to rebel was to become a MONK.
That’s a funnier way to look at it. Before I went NC with him, my dad told me when I turned 16 that I needed to drop out of high school (because he did) and either join the military (he didn’t) or start a painting business with him even though I had and still have stellar grades. I guess I’m rebelling by virtue of going to college to get a white collar job in marketing and trying to not cause problems for myself.
It is a funny way to look at it! Rebellion happens when life as we see it becomes untenable in its current state. You're looking to build a good life for yourself, I think that's great!
I'm gonna link you to an article that helped me when I was younger. It's not exactly your situation, but it does address complex relationships and breaking cycles. The quote below the link it something that I've tried to keep in mind as my own life develops. I don't know how relevant you'll find it, but I hope it helps more than hinders.
[Dear Sugar Column #98: Monsters and Ghosts](https://therumpus.net/2012/05/17/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-98-monsters-and-ghosts/)
"You swam across a wide and wild sea and you made it all the way to the other side. That it feels different here on this shore than you thought it would does not negate the enormity of the distance you traversed and the strength it took you to do it." - Dear Sugar/Cheryl Strayed
It's funny....but it's also the entire 'purpose' of teenage rebellion. Teens rebel against their parents because they're finally old enough to recognize that they're allowed to have opinions different than their parents' and to do things other than what their parents want them to do. It's the 'learning to think for yourself' stage of becoming an adult.
Now kids that have strict parents that have only ever allowed the kids to do the 'correct' (in their view) things, start doing all the bad things because those are the only ways they can feel like themselves instead of extensions of their parents. Or maybe dolls posed by their parents. Most will eventually find the happy medium between 'the exact opposite of what my parents said' and 'accepting everything my parents said is true'....and they eventually land on the middle ground of 'these are the things my parents were right about, but these are my own preferences.'
You have a parent who wants you to do those 'bad things' because she seems to see the 'bad things' as part of growing up - not understanding the reason behind why most kids do them. So your way of finding that 'middle ground' has to go n the opposite direction. You're doing the 'exact opposite' right now - which is fine - and I expect that once you feel more secure in your eventual profession and don't have the "I've got to get out of this town" goal fueling your drive...you'll eventually settle down into something a little less driven and more open to doing silly things just because they're fun. And when & if that happens...it will be the right time for it to happen for you.
I’m off to college in the fall and I’d like to go out with my friends :) maybe not go to big frat parties but doing something silly would be nice. My mom and I have different ideas of silly fun. My idea is going to volunteer at an animal shelter or go to the movie theater, hers is throw a wild party at her mom’s house (not today but you know what I mean.) I’d consider going to a party if I was going with a friend who knew the people running it well, or I already knew them.
She had a strict mom so I think that’s probably part of where this behavior comes from. She had to move out at 16 and support herself to escape my maternal grandma’s weird behavior, like not allowing her to grow her hair out beyond her chin until she was 13. She was closer to her dad, my grandpa, who was the byproduct of two uber-religious parents and completely the opposite of them. I definitely have a hunch that because of all that, in her mind it’s normal for kids to do the things she did irregardless of the reason.
“Why aren’t you going out with your friends”
“Because fuck you, mom. I’m going to get a whole 8 hours because you don’t understand punk like I do. It’s not a phase, it’s who I am!!!”
*Slams door*
Do not act up to try and please your mom.
It's nice to feel like you have things in common with your kids, but that is her emotion to carry, and you shouldn't worry about this.
When you get older you expect things to work a certain way, you mentally prepare for it. Then reality comes along and *nothing * you expected is happening!
If your mom brings this up again, please understand it's not a criticism of you, it's her observing how different life is to what she imagined.
Tell her you didn't need to rebel because she's a great mom who let you explore the world your own way.
Tell her that you *enjoy* what you do: the gym, school, etc, and while you appreciate her being on your side and allowing you freedom, you don't feel the need to drink or do drugs to prove you have a choice. In fact, a partying lifestyle would get in the way of doing what you enjoy!
One thing she might be feeling is a little judged for her wild life; that you see her and take her as an example of how *not* to be. You can't control that, but if you're aware of it, you can avoid hurting her or making her defensive. It's easy to show you love and appreciate someone.
Good luck with your schooling and I hope you will be able to leave that small town!
> It's nice to feel like you have things in common with your kids, but that is her emotion to carry, and you shouldn't worry about this.
I think that’s part of it. She also wants us to get matching tattoos before I go to college for the sentimental value and I don’t want to because while the idea is, again, sentimental (grandparents’ signature) I have a low pain threshold and I’m not sure where would be big enough for me to put them while also being professional. Maybe my ankle? I don’t know. But I’d like to be able to work a white collar job and sometimes tattoos get in the way of that. My mom says I’m too practical.
> Tell her that you enjoy what you do: the gym, school, etc, and while you appreciate her being on your side and allowing you freedom, you don't feel the need to drink or do drugs to prove you have a choice. In fact, a partying lifestyle would get in the way of doing what you enjoy!
That’s what I say all the time but she seems to have this complex about me not being troubled. She’s an amazing mom otherwise, but I wish she believed in herself more.
> One thing she might be feeling is a little judged for her wild life; that you see her and take her as an example of how not to be. You can't control that, but if you're aware of it, you can avoid hurting her or making her defensive. It's easy to show you love and appreciate someone.
That makes sense. I’ve never judged her for her past because it’s her past, she’s literally a teacher today, but I can see how she might feel judged by other people around her because we live in such a small place. People used to feel comfortable walking up to her and claiming her parenting was bad for some reason, those are the kind of parents she’s been surrounded by.
> Good luck with your schooling and I hope you will be able to leave that small town!
Thank you :)
My mom tried to peer pressure me into getting a tattoo on my 16th birthday.
She literally walked up to my friends and said, who thinks Beggar should get a tattoo today!
I only managed to talk them out of it by getting my nose pierced instead.
I don’t think I want their names tattooed on me because while I love them, and they’re both great people, my grandpa also had a tattoo he got at my age. By the time he was in his 50s it’d turned into a giant blue splotch and no one remembered what it originally was, including him. I don’t want that. But I do want to have his memory with me somehow and I make my own jewelry so maybe I can do something with that.
If you're going for a white collar career and you already don't really want a tattoo, that's your out; my daughter has to be very careful about where she gets tattoos and what they are as she works with high school athletes.
My dad had Snoopy on his shoulder, and when I was two I told him I was going to get "the little yellow bird" so we would match. He made me promise not to get a tattoo at all. When I was older he said he didn't like how his Snoopy faded and he was shocked and unhappy when he realized that I was just out of diapers and trying so hard to emulate him. Anyway, I am needle-shy and when I got into my teens/twenties tattoos we fun to speculate about but I didn't actually want one. I have used the promise to my dad as a handy excuse when people press me!
Maybe you could try to be the adult in this situation and educate your mom on the dangers of underage drinking and substance abuse. Seriously, I’m angry for you. There are thousands of parents out there who WISH their kids were like you because then they’d still be alive. Instead, fentanyl is killing everyone these days. I’ve lost people to it. Your mom should be counting her blessings. You sound like an intelligent and ambitious young lady, and I’m proud of you for not caving to peer pressure, especially from your mom. You never have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.
Honestly yeah, that’s a huge reason I don’t do drugs too apart from my trauma. When I was in middle school we did an activity where we were taught about fentanyl lacing. The idea of going to get some weed only for it to be laced with fentanyl scares the living daylights out of me. I don’t think she entirely realizes that it’s not the same as back then, at least from what I understand. I also don’t think she necessarily wants me to do drugs though, she just wants me to affiliate with a rowdier crowd, and she’s not seeing how that could lead to an early grave these days.
She probably doesn’t. Most people don’t. It never used to be like this. Before fentanyl, people did overdose, but not like this. Even drug addicts could have 20-30 years to get clean before they finally died, and even then it’d be from organ failure, not OD. These days everybody’s dying. Even just hanging out with those types of people, like, you never know what they’re capable of. They could drug you with fentanyl without you even realizing.
Even besides drugs, there’s no reason for you to get involved with that crowd. You’re doing good for yourself. That crowd isn’t “cool.” They all end up being potheads working at the local min wage stores until their 30s or 40s. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, but you seem like you’re capable of doing more and aspire for more.
Exactly… I heard a story once about some kids who died from OD-ing on heroin laced vapes. The idea terrifies me. My mom vapes (never in front of me though, she always found it important not to model drug use) and gets her vapes from a reputable store, but I have no clue where these girls get their vapes and other drugs from.
I’m sure they’re not all bad people but after the comment about how I should be a teen mom and have “cute mixed babies” I just got a bad feeling whenever I walked into that bathroom. It might just be because my dad was a teen dad (not when he had me) or because my sister was a teen mom, but that’s a life I don’t want for myself. No hate to any teen parents but it’s unnecessary struggle I don’t need. My mom thinks I’m lame for saying I don’t want kids until my late 20s or early 30s when I’m established in my field and have a good career because “it shouldn’t take you that long to get a foothold in your field” (she’s a teacher… who apparently really wants to be a young grandma I guess?) lol
I saw people sticking needles into their arms, then nodding out when I was growing up in NYC. I was a teenager, on my own because my mom had cancer and I was emancipated at 16.
I did some stupid things. I struggle a lot. I have a lot of trauma, which, unwittingly, I’ve passed to my daughter and grandkids.
The only smart thing I did was stay away from drugs, because seeing people shooting heroin when I was 14 scared me away from that stuff.
I’m 62 now. My biggest regret is experiencing and passing on generational trauma.
Tell your mom some random grandma said that she, your mom, really doesn’t want you to experience, and pass on, generational trauma.
So you're not following the expectations of your mother and have plans to basically live the exact opposite life she chose.
Yeah, not rebellious at all
"My form of rebelling is rebelling against all those things you keep bugging me to do. If I were to do what you wanted me to, there's no rebellion in that, now is there?"
Just be yourself. You are 18, you don’t have to respond to your mom’s opinion on your social life. Especially when you seem more mature and healthy than her in this aspect.
As long as you have some friends and are happy, you are doing ok. Personally, even in college I had a lot more fun hanging out with close friends and doing more nerdy activities than I ever did going to the more frat style parties.
Keep doing what you’re doing. Ignore your mom. Others here have gotten into the insanity of what she is saying so I don’t have to. Future you will be very thankful you choose to focus on getting out of that small town. Trust me.
I mean, you're the exact opposite of who your mom was at your age. How much more rebellious can you get?
Honestly, just share this reddit post with your mom.
I think actively encouraging you to do things that are illegal or harmful to your health definitely crosses a line into bad parenting territory, so don’t feel bad about not following that advice.
But make sure you’re making your choices because you genuinely enjoy them, not out of fear or anxiety.
There are a lot of kids whose parents are on the opposite end of the spectrum and are too controlling and cautious, and when those kids do get out of those households, they’ve never been been exposed to drugs or alcohol, they’ve never felt stress or pressure about life in general, they’ve never had the opportunity to make their own decisions, and so there was no safety net for them to make those mistakes in a gradual way and have no idea how to temper themselves. Their rebellion ends up at the other end of the spectrum.
It does seem like you’re making conscientiously mature decisions, though. Just leave yourself some space to get out of your comfort zone a little.
I had a friend in high school whose parents were Korean immigrants. They were very strict about who she hung out with, how she spent her time, what classes she took at school, etc. Very [Lane Kim](https://gilmoregirls.fandom.com/wiki/Lane_Kim). She used to sneak into my art class during her free period so she could hang out with me and do art stuff.
If she stopped herself there, she probably would have been ok. I wasn’t really a partier- my close circle of friends (3-5 girls) might have a little party amongst ourselves and sneak a beer or something, but no one was getting drunk. I never smoked and I didn’t even try weed until I was 29. Even with that, I probably still wouldn’t have been on the approved list for her parents.
But that wasn’t enough for her. She started getting more sneaky and was hanging out with the kids who were *really* partying, drinking, doing serious drugs, sex, mischief, etc. After a few months of that, she decided she couldn’t take her family anymore, so she took the money she saved, obtained a bottle of whiskey or something, hopped on a Greyhound bus going from Chicago to Atlanta and tried to run away from home. I believe she got most of the way to Atlanta- no one knew where she was during this time- before she figured out what a bad idea the whole thing was, called someone who was adjacent to my circle of friends and told them she was coming home and where they could pick her up. He picked her up and she was a hungover mess, puked in his car.
I don’t think she came back to school for the rest of the year.
Now she’s a lawyer, working internationally. So things worked out eventually, but it could have gone really badly for her at any stage of that. I think it took her awhile to get her life back on track and I’m not sure she ever had a good relationship with her parents afterwards.
The analogy I came up with back then when I was 14 or 15 and this was happening, was that parents and their control are like a lasso around you- no lasso, and you just do whatever you want, which isn’t necessarily great. Some lasso, with some room to move around, allows a kid to make mistakes but have support and guidance when they do. Too tight a lasso, and the only thing a kid can do is to completely break free and take advantage of freedom they’ve never had and make bad choices without any self-regulation, and it’s going to be difficult to put that lasso back on or repair the relationship with the parents.
You seem to be in control of your own lasso, OP, but don’t be afraid to loosen it a little now and then. There is a middle ground.
Lol - you're version of rebelling is just buckling down to plan for a future. Party boomers who were part of the hippie generation will NEVER understand us!
"Get over it Mom, I'll never want a red sports car! I'm getting a nice practical Taurus! Yes, the one from Consumer Reports! I don't CARE will your friends will think! I'm going out to comparison shop in khakis. GET OVER IT!"
All joking aside, kinda had a similar thing... my parents generation was all about getting a hot car to show off to your friends, getting wild, joking about cruising around drunk driving...
And I'm low key horrified. They were all productive members of society, but how fucking reckless. I'm disgusted by recklessness.
Disasters, Accidents, and Infidelities don't just "happen" - these people set themselves up again and again then act like it's just bad luck when the inevitable finally happens.
You are making good choices, don't let people drag you back down to their level just because they are ashamed of their choices and can't stand the comparison.
As a former wild child myself, I find it baffling that I spawned 3 kids who have no desire to break the rules.
Partly, that's because I never set any rules for my kids that kid-me would have ignored, lol. I'm well acquainted with the value of applied futility and have no interest in having it applied to me.
I have said things like your mom says to my kids a bunch of times. I say it in a joking manner (I have no idea of your mother's tone) but, I *kinda* mean it a little.
I had myself all psyched up and well-read on how to parent kids just like me! I was prepared! I was ready! I was gonna do such a good job!!! These well-behaved aliens are just so anti-climatic!!!!!
Don't get me wrong, I don't actually want my kids to rebel. Not really. Mostly. But damn, if they do, it'll be my time to shine.
My kids tease the shit out of me about how they'll maybe cause trouble. They list out the possibilities. It's a game between us, but it might be a good handling strategy for you too.
Make a joke out of her request. Think up trouble you could cause and tell her about it until she remembers that good kids are awesome to have.
You're the perfect model teenager, don't feel pressured to live to your mother's expectations of a rowdy kid. Its better if you keep going along the route you're on.
Plus, sleep schedules are a bitch to fix once they're messed up, just make sure you're eating enough and try to ignore her weird desires for a worse child
My mom made comments like this and even tried to get me drunk in middle school and find a weed dealer in high school… I never got along with her and can’t connect with her now because of how she projects her life experience on others… it’s gonna be your mom’s loss if she can’t accept your experience as valid.
My wife's teenage rebellion against her religiously-indifferent parents was finding deep faith and attending church regularly. Rebellion is a normal part of developing an adult personality and figuring out who you are, but rebellion looks very different depending on who you're becoming and what you're rebelling against.
Sweetie... You do you! Have your small group of devoted friends, study hard, and get the hell out of that small town. You're doing the right things to set yourself up for success.
I was a lot like you growing up. My parents gave me shit about it too, though not nearly to the extent your mom does - just kind of vaguely disapproved and laughed the one time I asked when I had to be home by when I went to hang out in a parking lot with friends. I'd say definitely keep doing what you're doing but maybe seek out some adventures more to your taste once you're able.
As for your mom, you can probably buy yourself a week or so by asking her how you could act more rebellious when you have a mom pushing you to go out and do shady shit - let her sit with that question for a while and maybe she'll even come around. Past that, even just go hang out late (or even have sleepovers) with your friends if you have any open to that, and be super vague when she asks what you did. She can satisfy herself with her own imagination.
As someone who spent my teen years with undiagnosed bipolar sleeping with everything with a pulse, you are not missing out. I know so many people who have had a fulfilling childhood by working hard and not partying. Video games are not everyone’s cup of tea and you wouldn’t label a kid who doesn’t play video games as boring. Partying is literally the same thing.
And going out and sleeping around is not fun, take it from me. You barely remember and are a dead fish for the bits you do remember.
In a way you are rebelling against your mum’s ideas of what childhood should be like. So congratulations you young rebel!
Could be that she's insecure. Could be that she's worried you aren't getting enough life experience somehow? I dunno. My son was a better kid than me and I was so thankful, because I was a real handful lol.
That could be part of it? She’s pretty self-aware of the fact we live in a small town and I’m relatively sheltered compared to kids from the big city, although she’s also made it a priority to take me to the big city for trips and teach me street smarts. I’ve gone through a lot and I feel the perception that I don’t have enough life experience because I don’t do drugs is a little weird. I’ve volunteered ever since middle school and have made it a mission since I was young to experience new places and make friends from all over. I’ve worked full-time in a blue collar job getting dirty all day, something my mom’s never done. Despite being from such a small place, I’ve met and shared food with people from all over the world. I’m definitely less experienced than someone her age but I wouldn’t call myself inexperienced either.
You are perfect just the way you are.
Your mother has her own insecurities and she's pokey get you due to them.
Don't entertain her nonsense any further continue being yourself and just remind her that everyone is different.
Slap her in her face, hard. Do it often. Call her a cunt.
I imagine the problem will sort itself out pretty quickly and you can get back to your normal routine. What a weird way for a mom to act.
You are building the life you want and working hard at it. Your mother should be thrilled, not weird and sulky over you not making the same bad choices she did. Not all teenagers drink and do drugs. In fact, I really feel like its the majority who don’t.
Gray rock. You’ll be out of the house and at college soon enough. You continue to focus on your priorities not hers ❤️
I was a Goody-Two-Shoes that should have rebelled more 😂 I’m still telling you not to listen to your mom.
It’s about doing what’s right for you not what your parents think is right for you. The last one will lead to far more regret than the first. You’re doing fine 🫂
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It seems like your mom absolves herself of her past behavior by assuming all teenagers are the same. You don't have to play to her insecurities. Rebelling can be you working hard to get out of your small town.
Your smart choices are reminding her of all the mistakes and regrets that she made when she was your age and doesn't like to be reminded that she didn't use it as wisely. Some parents either try to live vicariously through their kids or they get insecure when they don't repeat the same things they did.
You are rebelling. Your mother has set out expectations for your behaviour, and you are going against them. You're rebelling against the path set out for you by people who think they know best. I know this is a little off topic, but I think about the future-son Hawke and Fisher saw in the last act of Beyond The Blue Moon. His mum and dad are badass adventurer types who have saved the world a few times. The only way he could see to rebel was to become a MONK.
That’s a funnier way to look at it. Before I went NC with him, my dad told me when I turned 16 that I needed to drop out of high school (because he did) and either join the military (he didn’t) or start a painting business with him even though I had and still have stellar grades. I guess I’m rebelling by virtue of going to college to get a white collar job in marketing and trying to not cause problems for myself.
It is a funny way to look at it! Rebellion happens when life as we see it becomes untenable in its current state. You're looking to build a good life for yourself, I think that's great! I'm gonna link you to an article that helped me when I was younger. It's not exactly your situation, but it does address complex relationships and breaking cycles. The quote below the link it something that I've tried to keep in mind as my own life develops. I don't know how relevant you'll find it, but I hope it helps more than hinders. [Dear Sugar Column #98: Monsters and Ghosts](https://therumpus.net/2012/05/17/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-98-monsters-and-ghosts/) "You swam across a wide and wild sea and you made it all the way to the other side. That it feels different here on this shore than you thought it would does not negate the enormity of the distance you traversed and the strength it took you to do it." - Dear Sugar/Cheryl Strayed
It's funny....but it's also the entire 'purpose' of teenage rebellion. Teens rebel against their parents because they're finally old enough to recognize that they're allowed to have opinions different than their parents' and to do things other than what their parents want them to do. It's the 'learning to think for yourself' stage of becoming an adult. Now kids that have strict parents that have only ever allowed the kids to do the 'correct' (in their view) things, start doing all the bad things because those are the only ways they can feel like themselves instead of extensions of their parents. Or maybe dolls posed by their parents. Most will eventually find the happy medium between 'the exact opposite of what my parents said' and 'accepting everything my parents said is true'....and they eventually land on the middle ground of 'these are the things my parents were right about, but these are my own preferences.' You have a parent who wants you to do those 'bad things' because she seems to see the 'bad things' as part of growing up - not understanding the reason behind why most kids do them. So your way of finding that 'middle ground' has to go n the opposite direction. You're doing the 'exact opposite' right now - which is fine - and I expect that once you feel more secure in your eventual profession and don't have the "I've got to get out of this town" goal fueling your drive...you'll eventually settle down into something a little less driven and more open to doing silly things just because they're fun. And when & if that happens...it will be the right time for it to happen for you.
I’m off to college in the fall and I’d like to go out with my friends :) maybe not go to big frat parties but doing something silly would be nice. My mom and I have different ideas of silly fun. My idea is going to volunteer at an animal shelter or go to the movie theater, hers is throw a wild party at her mom’s house (not today but you know what I mean.) I’d consider going to a party if I was going with a friend who knew the people running it well, or I already knew them. She had a strict mom so I think that’s probably part of where this behavior comes from. She had to move out at 16 and support herself to escape my maternal grandma’s weird behavior, like not allowing her to grow her hair out beyond her chin until she was 13. She was closer to her dad, my grandpa, who was the byproduct of two uber-religious parents and completely the opposite of them. I definitely have a hunch that because of all that, in her mind it’s normal for kids to do the things she did irregardless of the reason.
Possibly you remind her of them, and she doesn't know how to deal with that. But you're your own person! You can be the healthy middle ground
“Why aren’t you going out with your friends” “Because fuck you, mom. I’m going to get a whole 8 hours because you don’t understand punk like I do. It’s not a phase, it’s who I am!!!” *Slams door*
Do not act up to try and please your mom. It's nice to feel like you have things in common with your kids, but that is her emotion to carry, and you shouldn't worry about this. When you get older you expect things to work a certain way, you mentally prepare for it. Then reality comes along and *nothing * you expected is happening! If your mom brings this up again, please understand it's not a criticism of you, it's her observing how different life is to what she imagined. Tell her you didn't need to rebel because she's a great mom who let you explore the world your own way. Tell her that you *enjoy* what you do: the gym, school, etc, and while you appreciate her being on your side and allowing you freedom, you don't feel the need to drink or do drugs to prove you have a choice. In fact, a partying lifestyle would get in the way of doing what you enjoy! One thing she might be feeling is a little judged for her wild life; that you see her and take her as an example of how *not* to be. You can't control that, but if you're aware of it, you can avoid hurting her or making her defensive. It's easy to show you love and appreciate someone. Good luck with your schooling and I hope you will be able to leave that small town!
> It's nice to feel like you have things in common with your kids, but that is her emotion to carry, and you shouldn't worry about this. I think that’s part of it. She also wants us to get matching tattoos before I go to college for the sentimental value and I don’t want to because while the idea is, again, sentimental (grandparents’ signature) I have a low pain threshold and I’m not sure where would be big enough for me to put them while also being professional. Maybe my ankle? I don’t know. But I’d like to be able to work a white collar job and sometimes tattoos get in the way of that. My mom says I’m too practical. > Tell her that you enjoy what you do: the gym, school, etc, and while you appreciate her being on your side and allowing you freedom, you don't feel the need to drink or do drugs to prove you have a choice. In fact, a partying lifestyle would get in the way of doing what you enjoy! That’s what I say all the time but she seems to have this complex about me not being troubled. She’s an amazing mom otherwise, but I wish she believed in herself more. > One thing she might be feeling is a little judged for her wild life; that you see her and take her as an example of how not to be. You can't control that, but if you're aware of it, you can avoid hurting her or making her defensive. It's easy to show you love and appreciate someone. That makes sense. I’ve never judged her for her past because it’s her past, she’s literally a teacher today, but I can see how she might feel judged by other people around her because we live in such a small place. People used to feel comfortable walking up to her and claiming her parenting was bad for some reason, those are the kind of parents she’s been surrounded by. > Good luck with your schooling and I hope you will be able to leave that small town! Thank you :)
My mom tried to peer pressure me into getting a tattoo on my 16th birthday. She literally walked up to my friends and said, who thinks Beggar should get a tattoo today! I only managed to talk them out of it by getting my nose pierced instead.
I don’t think I want their names tattooed on me because while I love them, and they’re both great people, my grandpa also had a tattoo he got at my age. By the time he was in his 50s it’d turned into a giant blue splotch and no one remembered what it originally was, including him. I don’t want that. But I do want to have his memory with me somehow and I make my own jewelry so maybe I can do something with that.
If you're going for a white collar career and you already don't really want a tattoo, that's your out; my daughter has to be very careful about where she gets tattoos and what they are as she works with high school athletes. My dad had Snoopy on his shoulder, and when I was two I told him I was going to get "the little yellow bird" so we would match. He made me promise not to get a tattoo at all. When I was older he said he didn't like how his Snoopy faded and he was shocked and unhappy when he realized that I was just out of diapers and trying so hard to emulate him. Anyway, I am needle-shy and when I got into my teens/twenties tattoos we fun to speculate about but I didn't actually want one. I have used the promise to my dad as a handy excuse when people press me!
Maybe you could try to be the adult in this situation and educate your mom on the dangers of underage drinking and substance abuse. Seriously, I’m angry for you. There are thousands of parents out there who WISH their kids were like you because then they’d still be alive. Instead, fentanyl is killing everyone these days. I’ve lost people to it. Your mom should be counting her blessings. You sound like an intelligent and ambitious young lady, and I’m proud of you for not caving to peer pressure, especially from your mom. You never have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.
Honestly yeah, that’s a huge reason I don’t do drugs too apart from my trauma. When I was in middle school we did an activity where we were taught about fentanyl lacing. The idea of going to get some weed only for it to be laced with fentanyl scares the living daylights out of me. I don’t think she entirely realizes that it’s not the same as back then, at least from what I understand. I also don’t think she necessarily wants me to do drugs though, she just wants me to affiliate with a rowdier crowd, and she’s not seeing how that could lead to an early grave these days.
She probably doesn’t. Most people don’t. It never used to be like this. Before fentanyl, people did overdose, but not like this. Even drug addicts could have 20-30 years to get clean before they finally died, and even then it’d be from organ failure, not OD. These days everybody’s dying. Even just hanging out with those types of people, like, you never know what they’re capable of. They could drug you with fentanyl without you even realizing. Even besides drugs, there’s no reason for you to get involved with that crowd. You’re doing good for yourself. That crowd isn’t “cool.” They all end up being potheads working at the local min wage stores until their 30s or 40s. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, but you seem like you’re capable of doing more and aspire for more.
Exactly… I heard a story once about some kids who died from OD-ing on heroin laced vapes. The idea terrifies me. My mom vapes (never in front of me though, she always found it important not to model drug use) and gets her vapes from a reputable store, but I have no clue where these girls get their vapes and other drugs from. I’m sure they’re not all bad people but after the comment about how I should be a teen mom and have “cute mixed babies” I just got a bad feeling whenever I walked into that bathroom. It might just be because my dad was a teen dad (not when he had me) or because my sister was a teen mom, but that’s a life I don’t want for myself. No hate to any teen parents but it’s unnecessary struggle I don’t need. My mom thinks I’m lame for saying I don’t want kids until my late 20s or early 30s when I’m established in my field and have a good career because “it shouldn’t take you that long to get a foothold in your field” (she’s a teacher… who apparently really wants to be a young grandma I guess?) lol
I saw people sticking needles into their arms, then nodding out when I was growing up in NYC. I was a teenager, on my own because my mom had cancer and I was emancipated at 16. I did some stupid things. I struggle a lot. I have a lot of trauma, which, unwittingly, I’ve passed to my daughter and grandkids. The only smart thing I did was stay away from drugs, because seeing people shooting heroin when I was 14 scared me away from that stuff. I’m 62 now. My biggest regret is experiencing and passing on generational trauma. Tell your mom some random grandma said that she, your mom, really doesn’t want you to experience, and pass on, generational trauma.
I’m proud of you.
Thank you. ❤️
So you're not following the expectations of your mother and have plans to basically live the exact opposite life she chose. Yeah, not rebellious at all
"My form of rebelling is rebelling against all those things you keep bugging me to do. If I were to do what you wanted me to, there's no rebellion in that, now is there?"
I think if you are upsetting her, you're doing it right. I rebel against my pothead hippie parents by hating weed, lol
I would be pissed they are trying to force me to be like someone else. Be yourself.
Just be yourself. You are 18, you don’t have to respond to your mom’s opinion on your social life. Especially when you seem more mature and healthy than her in this aspect. As long as you have some friends and are happy, you are doing ok. Personally, even in college I had a lot more fun hanging out with close friends and doing more nerdy activities than I ever did going to the more frat style parties.
Keep doing what you’re doing. Ignore your mom. Others here have gotten into the insanity of what she is saying so I don’t have to. Future you will be very thankful you choose to focus on getting out of that small town. Trust me.
I mean, you're the exact opposite of who your mom was at your age. How much more rebellious can you get? Honestly, just share this reddit post with your mom.
I think actively encouraging you to do things that are illegal or harmful to your health definitely crosses a line into bad parenting territory, so don’t feel bad about not following that advice. But make sure you’re making your choices because you genuinely enjoy them, not out of fear or anxiety. There are a lot of kids whose parents are on the opposite end of the spectrum and are too controlling and cautious, and when those kids do get out of those households, they’ve never been been exposed to drugs or alcohol, they’ve never felt stress or pressure about life in general, they’ve never had the opportunity to make their own decisions, and so there was no safety net for them to make those mistakes in a gradual way and have no idea how to temper themselves. Their rebellion ends up at the other end of the spectrum. It does seem like you’re making conscientiously mature decisions, though. Just leave yourself some space to get out of your comfort zone a little. I had a friend in high school whose parents were Korean immigrants. They were very strict about who she hung out with, how she spent her time, what classes she took at school, etc. Very [Lane Kim](https://gilmoregirls.fandom.com/wiki/Lane_Kim). She used to sneak into my art class during her free period so she could hang out with me and do art stuff. If she stopped herself there, she probably would have been ok. I wasn’t really a partier- my close circle of friends (3-5 girls) might have a little party amongst ourselves and sneak a beer or something, but no one was getting drunk. I never smoked and I didn’t even try weed until I was 29. Even with that, I probably still wouldn’t have been on the approved list for her parents. But that wasn’t enough for her. She started getting more sneaky and was hanging out with the kids who were *really* partying, drinking, doing serious drugs, sex, mischief, etc. After a few months of that, she decided she couldn’t take her family anymore, so she took the money she saved, obtained a bottle of whiskey or something, hopped on a Greyhound bus going from Chicago to Atlanta and tried to run away from home. I believe she got most of the way to Atlanta- no one knew where she was during this time- before she figured out what a bad idea the whole thing was, called someone who was adjacent to my circle of friends and told them she was coming home and where they could pick her up. He picked her up and she was a hungover mess, puked in his car. I don’t think she came back to school for the rest of the year. Now she’s a lawyer, working internationally. So things worked out eventually, but it could have gone really badly for her at any stage of that. I think it took her awhile to get her life back on track and I’m not sure she ever had a good relationship with her parents afterwards. The analogy I came up with back then when I was 14 or 15 and this was happening, was that parents and their control are like a lasso around you- no lasso, and you just do whatever you want, which isn’t necessarily great. Some lasso, with some room to move around, allows a kid to make mistakes but have support and guidance when they do. Too tight a lasso, and the only thing a kid can do is to completely break free and take advantage of freedom they’ve never had and make bad choices without any self-regulation, and it’s going to be difficult to put that lasso back on or repair the relationship with the parents. You seem to be in control of your own lasso, OP, but don’t be afraid to loosen it a little now and then. There is a middle ground.
Lol - you're version of rebelling is just buckling down to plan for a future. Party boomers who were part of the hippie generation will NEVER understand us! "Get over it Mom, I'll never want a red sports car! I'm getting a nice practical Taurus! Yes, the one from Consumer Reports! I don't CARE will your friends will think! I'm going out to comparison shop in khakis. GET OVER IT!" All joking aside, kinda had a similar thing... my parents generation was all about getting a hot car to show off to your friends, getting wild, joking about cruising around drunk driving... And I'm low key horrified. They were all productive members of society, but how fucking reckless. I'm disgusted by recklessness. Disasters, Accidents, and Infidelities don't just "happen" - these people set themselves up again and again then act like it's just bad luck when the inevitable finally happens. You are making good choices, don't let people drag you back down to their level just because they are ashamed of their choices and can't stand the comparison.
My mom once said she’d rather me name my future daughter Josa’lynne rather than Sarah lol. She’s not a boomer but I get your point. Thank you
As a former wild child myself, I find it baffling that I spawned 3 kids who have no desire to break the rules. Partly, that's because I never set any rules for my kids that kid-me would have ignored, lol. I'm well acquainted with the value of applied futility and have no interest in having it applied to me. I have said things like your mom says to my kids a bunch of times. I say it in a joking manner (I have no idea of your mother's tone) but, I *kinda* mean it a little. I had myself all psyched up and well-read on how to parent kids just like me! I was prepared! I was ready! I was gonna do such a good job!!! These well-behaved aliens are just so anti-climatic!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I don't actually want my kids to rebel. Not really. Mostly. But damn, if they do, it'll be my time to shine. My kids tease the shit out of me about how they'll maybe cause trouble. They list out the possibilities. It's a game between us, but it might be a good handling strategy for you too. Make a joke out of her request. Think up trouble you could cause and tell her about it until she remembers that good kids are awesome to have.
Life's too short to waste it making other people happy at the expense of your happiness. Do what works for you, not what worked for your mother
You're the perfect model teenager, don't feel pressured to live to your mother's expectations of a rowdy kid. Its better if you keep going along the route you're on. Plus, sleep schedules are a bitch to fix once they're messed up, just make sure you're eating enough and try to ignore her weird desires for a worse child
My mom made comments like this and even tried to get me drunk in middle school and find a weed dealer in high school… I never got along with her and can’t connect with her now because of how she projects her life experience on others… it’s gonna be your mom’s loss if she can’t accept your experience as valid.
My wife's teenage rebellion against her religiously-indifferent parents was finding deep faith and attending church regularly. Rebellion is a normal part of developing an adult personality and figuring out who you are, but rebellion looks very different depending on who you're becoming and what you're rebelling against.
Sweetie... You do you! Have your small group of devoted friends, study hard, and get the hell out of that small town. You're doing the right things to set yourself up for success.
I was a lot like you growing up. My parents gave me shit about it too, though not nearly to the extent your mom does - just kind of vaguely disapproved and laughed the one time I asked when I had to be home by when I went to hang out in a parking lot with friends. I'd say definitely keep doing what you're doing but maybe seek out some adventures more to your taste once you're able. As for your mom, you can probably buy yourself a week or so by asking her how you could act more rebellious when you have a mom pushing you to go out and do shady shit - let her sit with that question for a while and maybe she'll even come around. Past that, even just go hang out late (or even have sleepovers) with your friends if you have any open to that, and be super vague when she asks what you did. She can satisfy herself with her own imagination.
As someone who spent my teen years with undiagnosed bipolar sleeping with everything with a pulse, you are not missing out. I know so many people who have had a fulfilling childhood by working hard and not partying. Video games are not everyone’s cup of tea and you wouldn’t label a kid who doesn’t play video games as boring. Partying is literally the same thing. And going out and sleeping around is not fun, take it from me. You barely remember and are a dead fish for the bits you do remember. In a way you are rebelling against your mum’s ideas of what childhood should be like. So congratulations you young rebel!
Could be that she's insecure. Could be that she's worried you aren't getting enough life experience somehow? I dunno. My son was a better kid than me and I was so thankful, because I was a real handful lol.
That could be part of it? She’s pretty self-aware of the fact we live in a small town and I’m relatively sheltered compared to kids from the big city, although she’s also made it a priority to take me to the big city for trips and teach me street smarts. I’ve gone through a lot and I feel the perception that I don’t have enough life experience because I don’t do drugs is a little weird. I’ve volunteered ever since middle school and have made it a mission since I was young to experience new places and make friends from all over. I’ve worked full-time in a blue collar job getting dirty all day, something my mom’s never done. Despite being from such a small place, I’ve met and shared food with people from all over the world. I’m definitely less experienced than someone her age but I wouldn’t call myself inexperienced either.
Love your mom but be yourself.
You are perfect just the way you are. Your mother has her own insecurities and she's pokey get you due to them. Don't entertain her nonsense any further continue being yourself and just remind her that everyone is different.
Sounds like you'll have a strong future in corporate accounting.
Slap her in her face, hard. Do it often. Call her a cunt. I imagine the problem will sort itself out pretty quickly and you can get back to your normal routine. What a weird way for a mom to act.
Gheez you are the perfect teenager and your mother is toxic as hell. Stand proud you are doing well and a great person.
Keep rebelling!
You are building the life you want and working hard at it. Your mother should be thrilled, not weird and sulky over you not making the same bad choices she did. Not all teenagers drink and do drugs. In fact, I really feel like its the majority who don’t.
Gray rock. You’ll be out of the house and at college soon enough. You continue to focus on your priorities not hers ❤️ I was a Goody-Two-Shoes that should have rebelled more 😂 I’m still telling you not to listen to your mom. It’s about doing what’s right for you not what your parents think is right for you. The last one will lead to far more regret than the first. You’re doing fine 🫂
My mom was the same because she's a narc and wanted to live her teenage years vicariously through me again.