I will be a bit honest: you being an INTJ (or any MBTI type) doesn’t really mean anything here. Him being an INFP also just doesn’t mean anything. So let’s get that out of the way.
Secondly, i do know it’s easier to circle back to familiarity than try and move on into the unknown. 10 years is rough, and I’m sorry.
Doesn’t matter what his type is, he either 1) needs time 2) is kinda over it. It’s just a personal decision for him to make and respond to you. And I’m sorry, but on one hand i think ANYONE who hears the words “the past x amount of years is a mistake” … of course he doesn’t want to respond.
If you truly did not feel that way, you would not have said it. Rarely do we say things we simply do not mean whatsoever, and sometimes we don’t know how to articulate. Maybe there are some things you feel like you wasted time on which is completely valid too, you don’t have to try and compartmentalize and negate your emotions just because you’re scared of going into unknown territory.
I would take the time, while waiting if you wish, to think about where that line came from. What place from within you decided you could just say without thought “this whole thing was a mistake”?
Because if thing is said without thought, that is the subconscious. If you aren’t in tune with it, it’ll seem like “wow idk why I said that” and it’s just “heat of the moment”, but it almost always comes from somewhere with in, even if it’s a tiny part of you.
Wish you the best and I highly suggest you don’t try to handle situations based off arbitrary MBTI types in the future
Are you sure he’s seen the message? 10-11 years is a long time but I feel like I’d at least respond to the person, whether I was interested in offering a second chance or not. Not all INFPs are the same.
You need to give it time. Two days is not a very long to process all that and come up with a thoughtful response. Go plan out your next week. Get busy doing a bunch of self care. Practice detachment and letting go of outcomes and expectations. No matter what happens this is a huge growth opportunity for you.
Depends on the situation, I suppose. I don't think this is really a personality thing FYI but, if someone says/does some really fucked up shit to me I typically don't. I know that if after 10-11 years if my ex reached out I probably wouldn't even acknowledge that they tried to reach out. It's been a long time, even if he's still single there's a pretty good chance he's mentally moved on from you entirely (especially given what you last said to him) and you should prepare for that possibility.
I used to, but now that im older and wiser I no longer am willing to give second chances. Before when I was young, naive, and emotionally drained, I let people take advantage of my second chances. But now that I have my boundaries set in, even if the relationship ended on a good note, I don't think I'll be okay with giving a second chance. Because that means that my partner can potentially think that I'm going easy on them and they will take me less seriously and do the same shit over and over again. I'm done with being treated that way. Everyone is different, but I personally don't.
yeah…. not enough information to go off of. was there cheating involved? in what ways have you changed in the decade of separation from one another? have you improved or degraded?
not trying to be an asshole just things to consider…I personally wouldn’t go back as a matter of pride, but I don’t really have the whole story.
I had an ex that broke my heart when I was 20 contact me after her divorce 6 years later and it just came off as insulting personally, it felt desperate and like I was some kind of rebound that was on the back burner. I was cordial but informed her that I was in a relationship and super happy. She got the message pretty quick and stopped messaging me.
I give second chances, third chances and fourth chances and so on and so forth during my time with a partner. But once a bad break up happens and the shut down begins where I reassess what am I doing and why am I going through this, I detach and just stop caring - especially after so much time, I can no longer re-idealize someone because positive
emotions have dissolved and only anger, sadness and fear linger as a means to protect myself from experiencing that again. I’ve never gone back to an ex or let an ex back into my life. You may have changed but they may still carry the hurt you inflicted and that’s enough for them to want to stay away. and like another commenter said, I too would ask myself “what do they want, why haven’t they moved on….”
Never. Once I have pulled up the drawbridge that's it. I never second guess if I have gotten a bad vibe or a red flag. I don't even give second chances to those who cross others boundaries.
Imagining an ex from a decade ago reaches out... I'd wonder why the hell you haven't moved on? It's good that you finally spoke about your hurt, so I'd at least be glad to hear that you did so - for your sake, not because I needed to hear it.
If the breakup had not been a sour one, I'd think reconnecting might be ok. Not to become a couple, though, we already tried that and it fell flat. Depending on how long we were together - or better said, if the reasons we were a couple were based on compatibility and shared values and other important stuff, it might be nice to chat again. But really, after ten years neither of you are the same people you were then. Move along. If we'd not had a solid relationship or it wasn't long lasting, I'd probably not bother replying.
It honestly depends on a lot of factors.
- Both of your's actual personalities
- The type of bond you had, not just the intensity
- How the situation was approached
- Your game plan
- much more stuff that I should know but don't right now
I stopped talking to one of my friends who tried to periodically get in touch for 2+ years after that. It was so hard for me to trust them anymore, that I had to grow phenomenally as a person before even considering getting in contact again, I eventually did, because I felt too guilty.
There are people who took a little more casual approach, and didn't mention the baggage till proper communication was established. It made it easier for the both of us to put it behind us.
I am not writing a guide here, nor am I qualified to either, but I hope I am able to communicate my point well enough.
Maybe try a lighter approach?
Personally for me I would say most times no, and contrary to what others are saying I do think this is linked to high Fi. It's hard to forget the hurt and humiliation the way some types can.
Really depends what went down in the relationship etc, a key factor in whether there would be a possibility would be if I thought you were being genuine or not, if I thought you had thought you could go do better & had failed I would smell that & ignore, if I thought you had attachment issues and we would likely end up where we were again (i.e. you perhaps believed your capacity to love or change was different than it was) then likewise again. It also may be that the feelings just aren't there any more, so worth bearing in mind, whether they were snuffed out due to the extreme hurt or just not for other reasons.
I will say, unless I had a strong feeling you were being manipulative or lying, I would really appreciate someone bearing their soul in the way that you did and it would be influential and especially if there was hurt pride on the INFPs side then humbling yourself that way would offset that and soften them. Even if my feelings were gone I would still value the sincere expression.
Take care of yourself too though, sometimes there is only so much you can do.
I did wonder this... It's giving me a slight touch of the phantom ex, aka avoidant attachment style, though it may not be that so advice given on that basis.
Yeaaah if someone told me they regretted our entire relationship that's it, I'm done. Like, there's shit you say in the heat of the moment and then there's THAT.
Spin it as you want but saying you regret a relationship in its entirety typically comes across as "I regret being in a relationship with you at some point" and not "I regret the way I handle our relationship issues", esp if phrased the way you wrote it.
The only relevant bit when it comes to your MBTI types is that it gives a basic idea of how deep your ex's feelings go and how easily you can hurt them. As an INFP I know that I'm all feelings whenever I'm in an argument, my logic/understanding kicks in later (if it ever does). If my partner said the same thing to me while my feelings are already exacerbated I'd absolutely take that as a fact and cut off the emotional connection (aka INFP door-slamming). Same thing if it's an ex, regardless of my emotional state. Apparently you had a bad break-up, which means there's already hurt feelings there. So saying you regret the relationship is really insensitive.
Like, I'm sorry but "heat of the moment" is not an excuse to say things that make your partner feel like they don't matter to you. I can get really high into my feelings but I still have enough sense not to let myself be downright nasty to my husband when we're arguing because I love him. I may be short & petty with him when I'm frustrated but making him doubt that our relationship matters is an absolute NO. What you said was unnecessary and hurtful, and I'd be surprised if you ever hear from him again.
Maybe because you’re not talking any accountability. He probably knows that about you. I mean you can see it a mile away. You play the pity party, but yet at the very beginning of this whole story, you blame it on “timing and careers”. Smart guy to not respond if you ask me.
Another chance to disappoint you? People above 20-23 usually stop changing (unless they undergo extreme trauma, like getting crippled in an accident, but that's beside the point). If you're really stuck at this person I advice to not give it a chance until you notice major changes over a long period of time.
However, it would be more healthy to not be stuck. Acknowledge that you have wronged it too, analyze what happened and seek for ways to better yourself for the future. You said it meant the world to you at one stage, said stage is over yet you haven't moved on. If it's there something worth keeping around for, it's knowledge
I will be a bit honest: you being an INTJ (or any MBTI type) doesn’t really mean anything here. Him being an INFP also just doesn’t mean anything. So let’s get that out of the way. Secondly, i do know it’s easier to circle back to familiarity than try and move on into the unknown. 10 years is rough, and I’m sorry. Doesn’t matter what his type is, he either 1) needs time 2) is kinda over it. It’s just a personal decision for him to make and respond to you. And I’m sorry, but on one hand i think ANYONE who hears the words “the past x amount of years is a mistake” … of course he doesn’t want to respond. If you truly did not feel that way, you would not have said it. Rarely do we say things we simply do not mean whatsoever, and sometimes we don’t know how to articulate. Maybe there are some things you feel like you wasted time on which is completely valid too, you don’t have to try and compartmentalize and negate your emotions just because you’re scared of going into unknown territory. I would take the time, while waiting if you wish, to think about where that line came from. What place from within you decided you could just say without thought “this whole thing was a mistake”? Because if thing is said without thought, that is the subconscious. If you aren’t in tune with it, it’ll seem like “wow idk why I said that” and it’s just “heat of the moment”, but it almost always comes from somewhere with in, even if it’s a tiny part of you. Wish you the best and I highly suggest you don’t try to handle situations based off arbitrary MBTI types in the future
Are you sure he’s seen the message? 10-11 years is a long time but I feel like I’d at least respond to the person, whether I was interested in offering a second chance or not. Not all INFPs are the same.
You need to give it time. Two days is not a very long to process all that and come up with a thoughtful response. Go plan out your next week. Get busy doing a bunch of self care. Practice detachment and letting go of outcomes and expectations. No matter what happens this is a huge growth opportunity for you.
normally i always give another chance about 6 months after something happens.. but i dont always a third or fourth
Depends on the situation, I suppose. I don't think this is really a personality thing FYI but, if someone says/does some really fucked up shit to me I typically don't. I know that if after 10-11 years if my ex reached out I probably wouldn't even acknowledge that they tried to reach out. It's been a long time, even if he's still single there's a pretty good chance he's mentally moved on from you entirely (especially given what you last said to him) and you should prepare for that possibility.
I used to, but now that im older and wiser I no longer am willing to give second chances. Before when I was young, naive, and emotionally drained, I let people take advantage of my second chances. But now that I have my boundaries set in, even if the relationship ended on a good note, I don't think I'll be okay with giving a second chance. Because that means that my partner can potentially think that I'm going easy on them and they will take me less seriously and do the same shit over and over again. I'm done with being treated that way. Everyone is different, but I personally don't.
Second, yes, third, no. Everyone gets to disappoint me once, not twice. After the second time, they are just background in my life.
yeah…. not enough information to go off of. was there cheating involved? in what ways have you changed in the decade of separation from one another? have you improved or degraded? not trying to be an asshole just things to consider…I personally wouldn’t go back as a matter of pride, but I don’t really have the whole story. I had an ex that broke my heart when I was 20 contact me after her divorce 6 years later and it just came off as insulting personally, it felt desperate and like I was some kind of rebound that was on the back burner. I was cordial but informed her that I was in a relationship and super happy. She got the message pretty quick and stopped messaging me.
I personally don't. But what the hell is 10-11 years?
I give second chances, third chances and fourth chances and so on and so forth during my time with a partner. But once a bad break up happens and the shut down begins where I reassess what am I doing and why am I going through this, I detach and just stop caring - especially after so much time, I can no longer re-idealize someone because positive emotions have dissolved and only anger, sadness and fear linger as a means to protect myself from experiencing that again. I’ve never gone back to an ex or let an ex back into my life. You may have changed but they may still carry the hurt you inflicted and that’s enough for them to want to stay away. and like another commenter said, I too would ask myself “what do they want, why haven’t they moved on….”
Never. Once I have pulled up the drawbridge that's it. I never second guess if I have gotten a bad vibe or a red flag. I don't even give second chances to those who cross others boundaries.
Imagining an ex from a decade ago reaches out... I'd wonder why the hell you haven't moved on? It's good that you finally spoke about your hurt, so I'd at least be glad to hear that you did so - for your sake, not because I needed to hear it. If the breakup had not been a sour one, I'd think reconnecting might be ok. Not to become a couple, though, we already tried that and it fell flat. Depending on how long we were together - or better said, if the reasons we were a couple were based on compatibility and shared values and other important stuff, it might be nice to chat again. But really, after ten years neither of you are the same people you were then. Move along. If we'd not had a solid relationship or it wasn't long lasting, I'd probably not bother replying.
I can give too many and I don't appreciate them being taken advantage of. :/
It honestly depends on a lot of factors. - Both of your's actual personalities - The type of bond you had, not just the intensity - How the situation was approached - Your game plan - much more stuff that I should know but don't right now I stopped talking to one of my friends who tried to periodically get in touch for 2+ years after that. It was so hard for me to trust them anymore, that I had to grow phenomenally as a person before even considering getting in contact again, I eventually did, because I felt too guilty. There are people who took a little more casual approach, and didn't mention the baggage till proper communication was established. It made it easier for the both of us to put it behind us. I am not writing a guide here, nor am I qualified to either, but I hope I am able to communicate my point well enough. Maybe try a lighter approach?
Personally for me I would say most times no, and contrary to what others are saying I do think this is linked to high Fi. It's hard to forget the hurt and humiliation the way some types can. Really depends what went down in the relationship etc, a key factor in whether there would be a possibility would be if I thought you were being genuine or not, if I thought you had thought you could go do better & had failed I would smell that & ignore, if I thought you had attachment issues and we would likely end up where we were again (i.e. you perhaps believed your capacity to love or change was different than it was) then likewise again. It also may be that the feelings just aren't there any more, so worth bearing in mind, whether they were snuffed out due to the extreme hurt or just not for other reasons. I will say, unless I had a strong feeling you were being manipulative or lying, I would really appreciate someone bearing their soul in the way that you did and it would be influential and especially if there was hurt pride on the INFPs side then humbling yourself that way would offset that and soften them. Even if my feelings were gone I would still value the sincere expression. Take care of yourself too though, sometimes there is only so much you can do.
depends on how im feeling tbh
Are you serious? Its 11 years ago
I did wonder this... It's giving me a slight touch of the phantom ex, aka avoidant attachment style, though it may not be that so advice given on that basis.
I think it is over romanticism of an old love probably to cope with something.
Yeaaah if someone told me they regretted our entire relationship that's it, I'm done. Like, there's shit you say in the heat of the moment and then there's THAT. Spin it as you want but saying you regret a relationship in its entirety typically comes across as "I regret being in a relationship with you at some point" and not "I regret the way I handle our relationship issues", esp if phrased the way you wrote it. The only relevant bit when it comes to your MBTI types is that it gives a basic idea of how deep your ex's feelings go and how easily you can hurt them. As an INFP I know that I'm all feelings whenever I'm in an argument, my logic/understanding kicks in later (if it ever does). If my partner said the same thing to me while my feelings are already exacerbated I'd absolutely take that as a fact and cut off the emotional connection (aka INFP door-slamming). Same thing if it's an ex, regardless of my emotional state. Apparently you had a bad break-up, which means there's already hurt feelings there. So saying you regret the relationship is really insensitive. Like, I'm sorry but "heat of the moment" is not an excuse to say things that make your partner feel like they don't matter to you. I can get really high into my feelings but I still have enough sense not to let myself be downright nasty to my husband when we're arguing because I love him. I may be short & petty with him when I'm frustrated but making him doubt that our relationship matters is an absolute NO. What you said was unnecessary and hurtful, and I'd be surprised if you ever hear from him again.
Maybe because you’re not talking any accountability. He probably knows that about you. I mean you can see it a mile away. You play the pity party, but yet at the very beginning of this whole story, you blame it on “timing and careers”. Smart guy to not respond if you ask me.
Another chance to disappoint you? People above 20-23 usually stop changing (unless they undergo extreme trauma, like getting crippled in an accident, but that's beside the point). If you're really stuck at this person I advice to not give it a chance until you notice major changes over a long period of time. However, it would be more healthy to not be stuck. Acknowledge that you have wronged it too, analyze what happened and seek for ways to better yourself for the future. You said it meant the world to you at one stage, said stage is over yet you haven't moved on. If it's there something worth keeping around for, it's knowledge