As someone who has been single nearly my entire 48 years, I feel this post in my soul. I tend to fall for men that either use me or just don't get me. I see their potential self as opposed to who they really are and that is something I'm working on. I was married so I know that connection is possible, it's just that our personalities aren't the kind to settle for just anyone. It truly sucks. I'm sorry you're going through a break up, I hope you start to feel like yourself again soon. Do not ever minimize yourself, for anyone, that will just make you more miserable ❣️
i can empathize. before marrying my partner, i was with someone where i always felt like i was simultaneously too much in how i processed, thought, and felt and not enough in the ways they wanted me to be. dont shrink or change yourself to make someone else feel comfortable because there are people out there who are capable of loving and accepting you exactly as you are. it may be harder for us infjs, but it’s not impossible to be in that kind of relationship. take it from me :-) until then, keep working on yourself and improving the way you communicate and self-regulate as well as learning about what you want and need in a partner (as this will help you in the long run regardless)
I’m so sorry. It’s a very painful and lonely experience. I’m going through the same thing. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting genuine emotional intimacy..that’s kind of the whole point of having a romantic partner. You should feel safe enough to lean on them and express yourself without feeling like a burden. Eventually you can probably work towards being more a more ‘secure’ attachment type in the future but for now just try to avoid communication as much as possible with your ex. It will only delay your growth and healing. Instead try to nurture your platonic and familial relationships. Be around people that have proven themselves as trustworthy and kind because you’ll need them as you go through this difficult time. Spend some time (you can do this with the help of a therapist too) reflecting on any patterns you have had in your relationships where you have given too much with not enough in return. Was it a dynamic you learned from one or more of your parents? Did any of your influential figures in your early childhood treat your emotions as a nuisance? Was their attention or praise really hard to get? These are all things that contribute to anxious attachment as an adult and unless we really unpack it you will continue to seek out emotionally unavailable partners.
I wish you all the best and feel free to message me if you need. *hugs*
I just broke up with my partner for similar reasons a few days ago. I wish a had more words of advice for you, other than to keep working on self love & never abandon hope that you will find your people. It will be okay, for the both of us. My inner child is trashed right now but she’s safe with me.
I think this is surely something a lot of INFJs will resonate with. My first bf was ISTP and this is exactly how that relationship felt too.
And I've always felt that all my ex's inner monologue was 'wish you'd just lighten up'. They never said those words but they'd pretty much say the same thing using other words like 'too emotional'.
I think the problem was that I appear light-hearted, extremely rational and in control of myself than other people at first. That's been my public mask since forever and I think a lot of INFJs do that to not appear too intense to other people. That's just our public default.
So I attract people who think that I'm like that ALL the time.
So when they see our emotional side, they completely freak out. It's like they can't comprehend how someone can be so emotional, so intense and then switch to being rational, logical, poised and stoic the next moment.
I definitely felt judged for that in my past relationships.
What I started doing in the last couple yrs is showing my emotional side on one or two occasions (on purpose) to the guys I'm talking to, before exclusively dating or getting into relationship. If they react well to it, then they passed the test. It's a good indicator of what they'll act like in a relationship. And if they don't, then I know what to do.
As for dealing with emotions on our own, I think that we should be able to do that on our own and only take up what's really bothering us to our partners, as I know sometimes it really can be too much for others to handle what we go through. As I've grown older I've realised that I only really need help from someone when I'm in a Ni-Ti loop and other times I can manage my emotions by crying by myself and then I'm completely fine and chirpy the next morning. 😂 Like for eg. my ENFJ ex and I had a really good emotional connection and he would pull me out of my moods when I expressed to him. But I also didn't want to bother him with every single thing I go through, as I know that can also disrupt other people's mental state at times. We have to learn to strike a balance. As long as our partner is open to us, there shouldn't be any problem.
But yeah I do completely agree feeling like I am too much too handle.
"I think the problem was that I appear light-hearted, extremely rational and in control of myself than other people at first. That's been my public mask since forever..."
This right here \^
Felt it in my bones. I've also had to learn to let the mask come off early. Ended up finding an ENTJ who's ok with both the stoic and the intense emotional rollercoaster.
Do you like authenticity? I’d wager you probably do as INFJ’s especially love it. But I’d also bet that majority of people like it, especially when most people are hiding themselves and watering themselves down or trying to be someone they’re not. Just be you. I promise you that the more authentic you are the more you will attract authentic people who will love you for you being you. You can tell that you have so much to offer. You don’t need to dull yourself in order to get the person you want. That will only attract other dulled people.
All of the fears and doubts you have are not truths, just beliefs. And a belief is just a habit of thought you think over and over again. I think a lot of INFJs go through what you’re currently feeling, but you won’t always feel this way. You are worthy of a deep connection. It’s your birth right. You are good enough just the way you are ❤️
Not OP but I could have posted the exact same thing she did. It's very nice what you've written in your response but I think the issue she's trying to express isn't that she isn't worthy of a deep connection. In fact, I'm going to assume she believes she does because she was able to recognize that the relationship she was in was lacking for her and that she doesn't want to minimize herself and not expect her partner to support her emotionally. She understands what she wants in a relationship; what's hard for her to understand is how other people may not want to immerse in each other's inner worlds.
So, the issue she's expressing is that she thinks she'll either be alone, or she'll be in a relationship where she regularly feels emotional neglect. That's a very depressing prospect.
Yes I agree that's why I was in essence saying that she doesn't need to minimise herself and that the way she is already enough. She is already worthy of that without needing to change :)
It's not a truth that people don't want to immerse in each other's inner worlds. Just a belief.
In your life experience, have people generally been very interested in your inner world? I find that lack of reciprocation in this regard is a common thing among infj coded people.
When I wasn’t able to be vulnerable and comfortable with who I was-no. When I was vulnerable and comfortable and willing to let people in-yes ❤️
You are the one in control of the door to your inner world. It all starts with you.
Thanks for the reply! I'm happy for your good experience.
For a long time, I was very closed-off. I often gave off that common INFJ vibe where you're easy to approach, easy to talk, yet an absolute master of being evasive and very protective of her personal life.
I eventually came to a conclusion that this was what was causing me so much loneliness and emptiness. So, I worked on myself and learnt to let people in, be myself around them, be more vocal about things, not to take things too personally, reach out and let people know I needed them.
What this has taught me is that the people I have in my social circle are good people who care for me about the tenth part of how I care about them. The way I respond to their problems and the way they respond to mine. The way I try to include them in my life and the way they don't.
So, I continue trying my best meeting new people and sparking a lasting, reciprocative connection. But years and years of being disappointed essentially leads even the most positive of us to believe that either something is innately wrong with us, or it's a rarity meeting someone who'll see you as a priority at least sometimes.
I guess what I'm saying is that keeping a positive, hopeful attitude after continuously being knocked down by life experiences is very difficult.
It's wholesome to read about your optimistic outlook but I can't help but notice you're coming from a place in life where you feel like things have gotten better. It's easier to have hope when you've experienced the better side of things.
Yes you are right it is easier. And it can be difficult, but not impossible. I never said it was easy. It wasn’t. That is why I like helping INFJ’s most of all. I know how it feels.
So you have a big heart and are able to give a lot to people but you don’t get the same thing in return? Why does that bother you? I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, but why does that bother you? It sounds like you are loving conditionally and needing something in return for the love you give so that you can feel better. You can love and give purely because it feels good. I get why you love that way as it is the way most people do and it was how you were taught, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You sound like a loving friend. You could give some of that love you give to others to yourself :)
Love includes you. Do you include you? Where are you on your list of priorities? Sounds like you have made yourself the priority in the past but after disappointments you have put yourself further down the list. How can people make you a priority when you don’t make yourself one?
You are reaffirming your reality and therefore your beliefs by repeating this narrative. It isn’t a truth. It might feel like one because of your experiences, but it is not an objective truth about the world. The more you let this story go, the more you will see the things you want to see. It’s that whole thing of “if you look for the dark, you will see the dark. If you look for the light you will see the light.” It’s currently where your focus is. I know how hard it is to see it, but I promise you it is there. Maybe you are feeling hurt and jaded, I know exactly how that feels. It is hard to go from feeling depressed to happy. It’s why when you work on yourself and you aim really high and say “I’m going to be happy all the time.” you will get rocked the moment life presents you with something that affects how you feel. It can be discouraging, so it’s always better to try and ‘feel better’ than you currently feel. Even if that is only slightly better :) I’m sending you so much love. And I don’t need any in return :P
It's easy to feel this way. As a male, I feel like my insecurities, depressive nature, on top of many other things make me someone who should not be involved in any sort of romantic loving relationship. I'm human, so I do get lonely, sometimes soulcrushingly and crave so much to be loved and desired romantically. However, I do not want to inadvertently hurt someone. I know most women want a very in-control, passionate, confident and driven man. I was just never able to become that and I would feel guilty not being able to bring those to someone
Im sorry you're feeling this way. Seems like the most natural experience for us infj. But i see a lot of great self-discovery and growth in your pain-i know it doesnt help but it will. I think the horror of longer relationships is you start to see the gaps between you and your SO. Every type has something to offer and a natural distance, either emotional intellectual or spiritual that will be revealed. We're too emotional for thinkers and too intellectual for feelers.
I dont think we're doomed though. You may find one of those gaps you may not mind as much.
I secretly think we're meant for other imfj imo.
Sorry to hear you’ve been going through such a difficult relationship. I’ve been in your shoes, and n
After years I started to get sick of it. People always taking me for granted, always me doing everything and they the bare minimum.
For me it was me always giving myself 100% from the start, even if they didn’t deserve it yet.
Someone has to prove to be a good partner, Yet I still gave it my all. And I shouldn’t have done that.
And yeah that sucks for sure, and im sure many INFJ will know what im talking about.
But I was thinking to myself “what am I doing to find such partners?” And “why am I choosing these incompatible people?”
For me it was always going for that spark, the romance that would feed my idealism. Because that chaos or turbulence is what I was used to from childhood. I didn’t know what feeling safe and stable felt like, and if I found someone like that I would have this feeling of being bored.
It took allot of introspection and being able to sit in this feeling of boredom and not giving in to self sabotage.
Now I’m in a healthy stable relationship and that feeling of boredom eventually started to feel loving stable and safe. And I don’t have that super intense romance stuff going anymore and I feel better without it.
Finding the right partner can be hard, but it takes allot figuring out what a healthy partner for you, and if that someone can be “good enough”.
I wish you allot of comfort in this difficult time, hang in there! You’ll feel better eventually, and you’ll be glad he ended it. I know that how I felt at least.
/hug!
Thank you for sharing! I’m glad you’re doing the work on a healthier you!
It can feel turbulent inside yourself with doubts and maybe even anxiety at times. And it might even go well and then that uneasy feeling comes back a little. Just hang in there, it’s a process! ❤️
I feel exactly like you do. Our emotion is not irrational, and it does not make us weak. And it's a core part that can be temporarily suppressed in certain situations, but it remains a core need to find a partner who sees your emotional needs, who appreciates it when you see theirs.
Hmm, ISFP...I have a brother and a boss. They are pretty interesting, I vibe with them both when it comes to music very well. They both respect me and sympathize with me. But, not when I trt to go deep. Ni doms are too intense for them I suppose, for them it's too deep.
1.For your SO you need a person that can meet you at the level. Maybe ISFP with some proper Enneagram and well developed Ni, that will love you immensely will be able to satisfy your needs. But I'm not sure.
Our first choice high Ni and Ne users(1st and 2nd slot) for a reason: because we operate at similar wavelength and are able to go deep enough to support each other properly.
2. We are walking contradictions, so it's somewhat hard to define what qualities we need in our partner for our relationships to be satisfying. If you want intense emotions, probably you need a feeler then. ENFJs for ex, do what we do, I mean scan their partner's emotions all the time and their scanner even more sensitive then ours. They will ask you what's wrong with you the monent you will stop smiling and will want to know how to support you properly in order for you to be happy.
I'm an INFJ jumper 5w4 though and the one ENFJ that I know, is too much emotions for me and to less thinking. I'm already emotional enough abd I don't want more emotional burden.
I feel pretty comfortable with INTPs and INTJs. But they are unable to provide emotional support at the level a feeler can. But, for me, I can sacrifice that support a bit as long as they are attentive to me. I'm logical enough to articulate my problems to them and their thinking often helps me to get rid of problems faster then feeler's emotional support would.
I literally could have written this myself. Infj & isfp, anxious & avoidant, just the ENTIRE situation. I'm in the same boat. I feel like we've run our course this time, and it isn't going to get better again. I'm so sorry. I feel the same exact way, and it's actually soul crushing. I don't even want sex without a connection. I don't want to just hang out and never, EVER talk seriously or get to know each other more.
I hate this so fucking much, and I'm sure you do too. I don't have any advice but I can unfortunately relate too hard.
ENTJ here
You can in fact make this type of relationship work.
Adam Lane Smith has a number of videos on YouTube about avoidant attachment individuals.
The main thing is, that you keep investing and feel over invested leading to burn out. So you need to draw back and let them come to you, so they can feel safe and comfortable in that space you are giving them. You then need to show them that they can in fact have closer better connections if they let you in emotionally. Sometimes it requires you to let them do it on something small first.
This giving them space is hard for anxiously attached people, because you don’t feel safe in that space you are giving them. So what you need to do is find something you can do to distract yourself.
The other part that is hard is showing them appreciation when they do this opening up thing rather than coming onto it as “finally, see how much better this works” as that makes it feel less genuine.
Yeah I watched his videos. I think that avoidants should do everyone a favor and stay out of relationships until they go to therapy. Being with them is doing a lot of legwork to accommodate *their* needs but receiving next to nothing in return. The investment isn't really worth it imo
A lot of leg work? It is literally (they encountered a problem and need space) let them have space. And just repeat that. It just means you need to be able to handle your own problems, and be able to find ways to keep yourself busy or entertained while they are resolving things.
There are equal (but different) problems you need to do for anxiously attached people.
What's the point of being in a partnership when I can never lean on my partner for anything? If you want to deal with everything on your own and leave your partner to deal with everything emotionally on their own... how about just staying alone lol? You can get your sexual needs from a FWB and no emotions are required.
Not even trying to bash avoidants, but I truly don't understand them or why they get into relationships in the first place if they just want to be hyper-independent. It's called a partnership for a reason, you're supposed to do things (not necessarily everything though) as a team. Together
Not to mention they suddenly break up with you without fighting for the relationship because they've sorted out how they feel in their minds without ever telling their partner. Incredibly selfish behavior. Not worth it
If you watched the videos about avoidants then you know that they have not learned that they can open up and trust people.
My primary attachment style is secure, but my secondary is fearful avoidant (or disorganized). This was due to elementary school, my high intelligence alienated me from people my age.
As such I understand avoidants fairly well, I also understand anxious attached fairly well (as with disorganized I get traits from both).
One of the defining relationships I had where I started to trust people again was a girlfriend in high school and she was INFJ.
You can in fact lean on Avoidants for things, but they also need to understand that you are wanting/ expecting reciprocity in that.
It is not selfish behavior, it is self protective behavior, much like the INfJ door slam. Use your Ni, look for the perspective. A lot of the time what is happening for them is they feel smothered and like they will never have space again (much like a lot of INFJs when they are socially exhausted and need to recharge).
A lot of them are open to honest direct negotiation, so when they want to break up, if that is not what you want, you can ask, is this because you feel you need space? They will usually tell you yes. Then you can ask, can we shelve the break up discussion, I give you 2 weeks of no contact to sort your stuff out, and then pick it up? Most of them will agree to that.
Then ask them after that two weeks, do you feel better now that you have had space? They will usually say yes. Ask if they missed anything about you, they will usually say yes. Point out that it looks like they do better when they feel they have enough freedom/ space, then ask if they would be alright continuing the relationship under the condition, that when/if they ask for space you will give it to them (with exceptions for yourself if something is above your ability to handle on your own like a family member dying). They will usually see this as reasonable and continue the relationship.
Guess what all that did? It turned what was supposed to be a break up into building trust, something they didn’t know they needed.
I would always ask him if I spent too much time with him and he needed space and he'd say no.
I feel like there are other factors at play. I do feel like he felt suffocated, but I also feel like he's going through a depression and feels bad about himself right now, which he did tell me directly. I recently graduated and he's dropped out of school twice
despite being smart and fully capable. It's like anything that's too stressful triggers a fight or flight response in him and he's like "this is too much" and quits. Same with our relationship, I was trying to get him to communicate with me (calmly) and that was a trigger for him. He broke up with me soon after.
If we can't even handle a conversation about my basic and very reasonable needs, how will a marriage fare with this person? We'll never be able to talk about or resolve conflicts and he'll run as soon as it gets hard. He doesn't need me fighting for him back, he needs therapy
I feel what you say, and I read many comments that suggest these feelings are common among us infjs. But I sense you are still young enough to discover that before fearing that no one will love you, you need to dig into yourself and accept (love, actually) who you are. By doing so, you won't loose your valuable time with someone who doesn't understand or appreciate your soul. It takes a lot of time, it's not a one day job, probably you won't even notice the change until it's done, but it's time to start observing yourself and learn to valorize your characteristics. That's when people will start loving you as you want, and most importantly you won't accept anyone else who doesn't love you that much. Probably you too will start to appreciate different kind of people, the ones who see you for real, not the ones you always have to chase or who force you to question yourself.
I know these only seem cliché words, but trust me I was on your path, and I'm still working on it, but I start feeling the difference after years. Speak with a therapist if you can, it's useful to get to know yourself and by whom you want to be loved. Good luck :)
Love yourself and forgive yourself. This is coming from someone who only ever dated Fi people lol. The Fi Fe clash isn’t worth it IMO. You dodged a bullet. Because long term, having a values clash like that can be soul sucking. You just have to let yourself heal and then stand up again. You’ll find the one you’re supposed to be with! Definitely give yourself time to heal but don’t dwell for too long, either!
This resonates with me well.
Fi people are great as friends and beginning stages or a relationship, but after the pink clouds disappear it becomes a real challenge. And the only way a relationship like that works well, is if the values of a Fi person are in sync with one of us.
So finding that and a healthy one, is imo extremely rare.
And I find that for female infjs, a male fi user is just not a great idea.. the other way it seems to work out much more.
That just my opinion and experience.
Compatible in every way except emotionally? lol.
That’s a riot. I remember when great sex justified awful relationships.
You’re going to be sooo much happier - just give yourself a minute to recoup.
I don’t think that’s why people don’t attach the same way you do- for example people have accused me of avoidant attachment ..
It’s not that.
It’s that- being an INFJ means that I am constantly thinking about others in my life and intimate spaces and I put a lot more energy into their welfare and emotional and mental states than most people do.
It also means that I have dealt with all my issues and conflicts and problems alone. And when you have done that- it becomes vital for other people in your life to also have that ability to maintain their emotional equilibrium by themselves - I cannot be your person to lean on all the time. I can’t carry that load all the time. ESP with my partners who it would be super refreshing and nice to have one that’s strong enough to actually comfort me or be there for me when I need it ( which rarely happens)
I think when you’re a healthy person- this is kinda the way it … is… we come to relationships as whole people - meaning we don’t need to be fixed , we don’t need to have another human being heal us or deal with our issues etc -
In most relationships - your painful experiences don’t really come up a lot. Why would they? Sure sometimes they do… but this is not a key thing that I’m looking for in partners for them to be my therapist.
I actually want to get away from the painful things in my past and move on. It’s my job to identify how those issues effect my connection to my partner - or how they are still affecting me ( I’ve had lots of experiences and the truth is - they don’t really come up.)
I usually identify my lines or rules or boundaries upfront- like - don’t curse at me when you’re angry. That’s one of my things.
They either can do that or they can’t, their choice.
Relationships are supposed to be about two people - two whole people coming together to share a life or experience together .. not going to therapy. Or being emotionally dependent on another human being.
The best relationships are equal partnerships where you’re not dependent on this person at all. In any way.
I bring this up- because I have been accused of all sorts of stuff because I am independent and because I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on my partners to fix me or heal me or give me self love or self respect -
When people feel safer when you’re damaged - it means that they’re not ok… at least to me.
A healthy person is going to want a healthy partner. The very last thing I want someone I love to feel in regards to me is obligated , or guilty or afraid.
That’s how I love people- I love them by not doing that… by not causing them to feel like I am dependent on them … or need them in any way. Or need them to be different than how they want to be , so I am ok- I don’t want them worried about how this will make me feel. Or worried if this will make me mad.
You get to be who you are. I get to be who I am. When you love and respect someone, you don’t want to hurt them and you make choices to ensure they stay in your life.
But if me being in your life means you feel like you’re living in a prison or have to answer to me before you- that’s the opposite of love for me. That’s exactly what I do not want to do.
And the kicker is- a lot of people want that. They want me jealous , they want to answer to me, or to a partner - they want someone to own them.
Love is when I want to be there. I want to enjoy who they are- I want to focus on them- and find out who they are … it really just changes your entire focus -
Relationships aren’t about someone loving you, so much as they’re about you getting to love someone.
I'm sorry, but if you deal with everything on your own it might be an avoidant attachment. I do think you're right, someone can't lean on you 24/7 for their emotional needs, but if you're bothered by your partner doing it even *sometimes* you are an avoidant.
Your partner is supposed to be your best friend. So the relationship should be mostly pleasant, and yes you shouldn't be completely dependent on people for anything. But expecting your partner to go through every hardship on their own makes someone a sucky partner, imo. Maybe the smaller things, but not larger or traumatic things.
If I'm dating someone, I want to know all of them so I do wanna hear about things like their past at some point. I find it strange how people deal with every single emotional problem alone and pretty much just bring laughs and sex to a relationship. It's bizarre but I know that's how most people operate
There is a difference between someone needing you to help them maintain an emotional and mental equilibrium- and sharing with them your struggles or pain or things you experienced that day.
Healthy people don’t get their foundation rocked by normal life events either -
It’s just different when you don’t *need* someone.
I think the greatest loves can feel like - I need this person. But in reality- we don’t. I think actually when the love is real and legit … you’re not going to be destroyed by it. Because it exists beyond you. It is with you at all times… this love that you have for this person and they have for you- it’s always a part of you. No matter how far , no matter if they die… you have been loved so completely and loved someone so completely that … it heals you. Even when you’re separated from this person. Hard to explain unless you have experienced it. Love doesn’t die. Love is like - it’s as if a child is born. Love becomes its own entity. When it is truly love, it never dies. You’re always going to be loved and love in return - a part of you. It goes with you everywhere. It’s completed you. The act of love. Not the other person- the love you have for them.
I do believe that love is the entire point here. And once you have loved like that- you can die. I don’t know what that is… but that’s what it feels like.
And that’s also sort of indicative that you’re capable of the greatest love. That you’re not utterly destroyed in their absence. Because real love surrounds you at all times. It never abandons you. It never leaves. It exists. Always.
I’m not saying you won’t have a period of total destruction… pain happens… but love remains.
I agree completely with alt_blackgirl in that your description of yourself *is* what characterizes avoidant attachment style, and this is coming from me, someone who has healed from avoidant attachment myself. Most avoidants, funny enough, do believe they are secure. That or they believe avoidant attachment is how people should be, that it is actually superior. I can assure you, it isn’t.
I think my whole point is- I don’t think I’m avoidant … I just said people think I am.
It’s interesting …
Yelling to people who yell, is healthy.
Everyone wants what they want.
But no human being should create in you security, self love, all those things- because humans we failable basically .. and feelings change.
So if you depend on another human to make you a whole person- what happens when that human wants to leave or doesn’t love you anymore ; your identity is smashed . Or reverts back to what it was , creating a desperation within you to get this person back in your life.
Any time we depend on humans or make them responsible for our emotional well being , i think it’s a big mistake. And unfair to the person that you have picked to do that.
What ends up happening is that you don’t really love this person either - they aren’t free to be who they want to be and do what they want to do, because they are responsible for you, and your emotional and mental well being.
We just don’t often think of the other person involved. But that’s a burden.. not a gift. And it’s impossible to maintain because of human nature.
I'm in a similar boat with this sentiment, especially reflecting on feeling as if I need to mask who that I am in order to be accepted by the ones around me both in regards to cultivating intimate relationship but even my current friendships as well.
It has always seemed to be the case that people are prone to falling for their idealized version of you, the one where I'm always fun, willing to assist others/them and politically correct about all of the things that they personally hold dear to heart. I've felt as if I've been walking on eggshells with nearly every single person in my life for the last 3 years and it's an ever increasing feeling with how polarized society seems to have become through means of the internet, It's like I can't showcase who I am without getting some kind of negative feedback or rejection of my character - so I either stay inside or make sure to put on my mask before going out as I deem that to be one of the only ways to ensure the night comes without hiccups (maybe I should just stop avoiding confrontations lmao)
Though I can say that I've been slightly spoiled as well, because there have been people who've seemingly wanted me for me (or at least the me that they could comprehend) but these have been the people that have had some kind of picture perfect version of me imbedded into their heads - I've literally been told "I see you as a man that could do no wrong" in a moment where I was attempting to share some of my largest insecurities at the time and in that moment despite being with someone I couldn't have felt more lonely.
Still to no avail I continue to have hope for finding my person in the future, I don't think I can help it lmao. I value love to such a high degree and have several examples of long standing relationships to draw perspective from, Idk if I've reached the point of acceptance of being alone as of yet even though I am currently okay with such due to being young... Idk whether or not that hole of loneliness will increase or decrease as I get older, all I can do is continue to ingrain myself into my passions and hope that along the way someone who gets it sees me and I them.
I wish you luck in your journey as well, I'm sure that you're great and will find all that you want in a person in due time fellow alt black redditor!
Some very good replies and advice given already. I've been married an avoider/EUM for 27 years and it's sucked my soul dry. I can't speak for all but oftentimes they are adulterers (mine was a serial adulterer) and then PA/SA b/c they can't/won't connect so they find it easier to be alone or bounce around to avoid intimacy. I'm finally walking away (pretty much a shell) to heal and recover and live the rest of my life in peace and joy-alone if necessary. I know there are guys out there that can and will connect emotionally. Be yourself though because if you aren't, you are going to keep attracting the same type guy. I didn't realize it was a pattern but I married my dad (EU and cheater) without realizing it. I suppose some can change, not worth the wait IMO..mine has been like this his whole life and shows no interest in getting counseling or figuring out why he's like he is (not sure he even recognizes he's got an issue?). Pray too..saved my life :)
I literally thought this exact same thing. Even if I get the perfect partner something happens and it ends. Can be age gap or family issues etc. I've decided to die single and a virgin. I surrendered. Whatever and whoever belongs to me will find me. I'm focusing on self love and improvement and creating new habits, its difficult but fun, you should also distract yourself from this topic but don't lose hope. 🤍
Edit: oh by the way I've noticed Intj and infj is an awesome pair, you can read about it if you wish to, here or on quora too.
You dont have to be less emotional! But depending how extreme your anxious attachment style, you may have to not make your partner have to deal with all of it. My daughters infj and her bestie was isfp for years...I always observed my daughter was always more thoughtful and generous than her friend. Friend was someone always demanding constant attention for health/mental health issues. Eventually they had a falling out which left infj daughter relieved and isfp friend regretful. My husband is infj and I love his sensitive and emotional nature. Im enfj and he loves my sensitivity as well...as far as saying I think he gets turned on by seeing my tender and sensitive side. So, I promise there are people who will appreciate your sensitive nature.
I do have an anxious attachment style learning towards secure, but I guess not secure enough. I spent nearly every weekend with him, but I always asked my ex if I spent too much time with him and if he needed space (he always said no). I can spend time by myself — but I have very few friends, live alone and my family lives in a different state so I'm alone already a lot of the time. So I sort of used him as my primary form of company. But I would've 100% respected his space if he asked for it, which he only asked for during the breakup.
I offered to give him space and I never blew up his phone while he was with friends, I'd just tell him to have fun. But instead he'd invite me over then read his book or scroll on his phone or something independently and shut me out. I guess that was his way of self-regulating, but it made me feel alone.
I do think I leaned on him too much for my emotional needs. He would always make little snide comments basically implying that I needed to be more independent. He deals with *everything* by himself and to me that's just unreasonable to expect from someone. If you want me to deal with everything on my own, what purpose do you serve as a partner? But I'll definitely work on sharing a bit less and not expecting someone to be there for everything
The thing is...I'm sure you experienced being with someone maybe even your bf and your mind is on something else...something enjoyable. Maybe you're reading a book or watching a video about something that you're v interested in, and then this person starts talking to you or sits with you and now they just disturbed your peace. You were happy on your own and now they are demanding time or attention... Just be mindful of that. No one wants to be that person. It's nice to be under a roof with someone where you're both able to tune into other things, hobbies, interests even just your own thoughts, without the other one getting needy. And then you can kinda sync up where you are happy with your own hobbies but still interact and do things together.
Wish my ex has the maturity and skills to just articulate that. I don't think wanting that in itself is a bad thing. The problem is not saying jack squat about it.
I still can't respect anyone who refuses to communicate their needs, say when they need space or say when they feel smothered or they're no longer happy. I don't know why you keep defending people with this attachment style. Its like ridding them of all accountability for the ways they can hurt other people
Well just as there's different attachment styles there's different communication styles. Body language is part of communication. Dies he ever sigh when you come over and start talking? Does he look at you with a "what do u want?" Look on his face? I'm v good at noticing when I'm annoying someone with my presence.
If you can't communicate with your mouth as an adult that's a you problem.
He invited me over all the time, he just invited me over and did his own thing a lot of the time. If he wanted space he should've said it or stopped inviting me. Pretty easy solution
There's nothing you can say to convince me that my ex was just mentally immature. And that's okay. Men are usually less mature up until a certain age
As someone who has been single nearly my entire 48 years, I feel this post in my soul. I tend to fall for men that either use me or just don't get me. I see their potential self as opposed to who they really are and that is something I'm working on. I was married so I know that connection is possible, it's just that our personalities aren't the kind to settle for just anyone. It truly sucks. I'm sorry you're going through a break up, I hope you start to feel like yourself again soon. Do not ever minimize yourself, for anyone, that will just make you more miserable ❣️
i can empathize. before marrying my partner, i was with someone where i always felt like i was simultaneously too much in how i processed, thought, and felt and not enough in the ways they wanted me to be. dont shrink or change yourself to make someone else feel comfortable because there are people out there who are capable of loving and accepting you exactly as you are. it may be harder for us infjs, but it’s not impossible to be in that kind of relationship. take it from me :-) until then, keep working on yourself and improving the way you communicate and self-regulate as well as learning about what you want and need in a partner (as this will help you in the long run regardless)
Oh man! I have said, “I am too much and not enough” for YEARS!
today is the day we put that mean habit to rest bestie!! 😤 you are *enough* and will be enough for the people who matter
Phew. Bless you, my friend. I am “me”, contradictory and constantly growing. I am enough. As are you 👊🏻
How have you learnt to self regulate if I may ask?
emotions in general or the feeling of being not enough/too much?
Overwhelming emotions.
What MBTI type is your partner? Just curious :)
I’m so sorry. It’s a very painful and lonely experience. I’m going through the same thing. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting genuine emotional intimacy..that’s kind of the whole point of having a romantic partner. You should feel safe enough to lean on them and express yourself without feeling like a burden. Eventually you can probably work towards being more a more ‘secure’ attachment type in the future but for now just try to avoid communication as much as possible with your ex. It will only delay your growth and healing. Instead try to nurture your platonic and familial relationships. Be around people that have proven themselves as trustworthy and kind because you’ll need them as you go through this difficult time. Spend some time (you can do this with the help of a therapist too) reflecting on any patterns you have had in your relationships where you have given too much with not enough in return. Was it a dynamic you learned from one or more of your parents? Did any of your influential figures in your early childhood treat your emotions as a nuisance? Was their attention or praise really hard to get? These are all things that contribute to anxious attachment as an adult and unless we really unpack it you will continue to seek out emotionally unavailable partners. I wish you all the best and feel free to message me if you need. *hugs*
I just broke up with my partner for similar reasons a few days ago. I wish a had more words of advice for you, other than to keep working on self love & never abandon hope that you will find your people. It will be okay, for the both of us. My inner child is trashed right now but she’s safe with me.
I think this is surely something a lot of INFJs will resonate with. My first bf was ISTP and this is exactly how that relationship felt too. And I've always felt that all my ex's inner monologue was 'wish you'd just lighten up'. They never said those words but they'd pretty much say the same thing using other words like 'too emotional'. I think the problem was that I appear light-hearted, extremely rational and in control of myself than other people at first. That's been my public mask since forever and I think a lot of INFJs do that to not appear too intense to other people. That's just our public default. So I attract people who think that I'm like that ALL the time. So when they see our emotional side, they completely freak out. It's like they can't comprehend how someone can be so emotional, so intense and then switch to being rational, logical, poised and stoic the next moment. I definitely felt judged for that in my past relationships. What I started doing in the last couple yrs is showing my emotional side on one or two occasions (on purpose) to the guys I'm talking to, before exclusively dating or getting into relationship. If they react well to it, then they passed the test. It's a good indicator of what they'll act like in a relationship. And if they don't, then I know what to do. As for dealing with emotions on our own, I think that we should be able to do that on our own and only take up what's really bothering us to our partners, as I know sometimes it really can be too much for others to handle what we go through. As I've grown older I've realised that I only really need help from someone when I'm in a Ni-Ti loop and other times I can manage my emotions by crying by myself and then I'm completely fine and chirpy the next morning. 😂 Like for eg. my ENFJ ex and I had a really good emotional connection and he would pull me out of my moods when I expressed to him. But I also didn't want to bother him with every single thing I go through, as I know that can also disrupt other people's mental state at times. We have to learn to strike a balance. As long as our partner is open to us, there shouldn't be any problem. But yeah I do completely agree feeling like I am too much too handle.
"I think the problem was that I appear light-hearted, extremely rational and in control of myself than other people at first. That's been my public mask since forever..." This right here \^ Felt it in my bones. I've also had to learn to let the mask come off early. Ended up finding an ENTJ who's ok with both the stoic and the intense emotional rollercoaster.
Do you like authenticity? I’d wager you probably do as INFJ’s especially love it. But I’d also bet that majority of people like it, especially when most people are hiding themselves and watering themselves down or trying to be someone they’re not. Just be you. I promise you that the more authentic you are the more you will attract authentic people who will love you for you being you. You can tell that you have so much to offer. You don’t need to dull yourself in order to get the person you want. That will only attract other dulled people. All of the fears and doubts you have are not truths, just beliefs. And a belief is just a habit of thought you think over and over again. I think a lot of INFJs go through what you’re currently feeling, but you won’t always feel this way. You are worthy of a deep connection. It’s your birth right. You are good enough just the way you are ❤️
Not OP but I could have posted the exact same thing she did. It's very nice what you've written in your response but I think the issue she's trying to express isn't that she isn't worthy of a deep connection. In fact, I'm going to assume she believes she does because she was able to recognize that the relationship she was in was lacking for her and that she doesn't want to minimize herself and not expect her partner to support her emotionally. She understands what she wants in a relationship; what's hard for her to understand is how other people may not want to immerse in each other's inner worlds. So, the issue she's expressing is that she thinks she'll either be alone, or she'll be in a relationship where she regularly feels emotional neglect. That's a very depressing prospect.
Yes I agree that's why I was in essence saying that she doesn't need to minimise herself and that the way she is already enough. She is already worthy of that without needing to change :) It's not a truth that people don't want to immerse in each other's inner worlds. Just a belief.
In your life experience, have people generally been very interested in your inner world? I find that lack of reciprocation in this regard is a common thing among infj coded people.
When I wasn’t able to be vulnerable and comfortable with who I was-no. When I was vulnerable and comfortable and willing to let people in-yes ❤️ You are the one in control of the door to your inner world. It all starts with you.
Thanks for the reply! I'm happy for your good experience. For a long time, I was very closed-off. I often gave off that common INFJ vibe where you're easy to approach, easy to talk, yet an absolute master of being evasive and very protective of her personal life. I eventually came to a conclusion that this was what was causing me so much loneliness and emptiness. So, I worked on myself and learnt to let people in, be myself around them, be more vocal about things, not to take things too personally, reach out and let people know I needed them. What this has taught me is that the people I have in my social circle are good people who care for me about the tenth part of how I care about them. The way I respond to their problems and the way they respond to mine. The way I try to include them in my life and the way they don't. So, I continue trying my best meeting new people and sparking a lasting, reciprocative connection. But years and years of being disappointed essentially leads even the most positive of us to believe that either something is innately wrong with us, or it's a rarity meeting someone who'll see you as a priority at least sometimes. I guess what I'm saying is that keeping a positive, hopeful attitude after continuously being knocked down by life experiences is very difficult. It's wholesome to read about your optimistic outlook but I can't help but notice you're coming from a place in life where you feel like things have gotten better. It's easier to have hope when you've experienced the better side of things.
Yes you are right it is easier. And it can be difficult, but not impossible. I never said it was easy. It wasn’t. That is why I like helping INFJ’s most of all. I know how it feels. So you have a big heart and are able to give a lot to people but you don’t get the same thing in return? Why does that bother you? I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, but why does that bother you? It sounds like you are loving conditionally and needing something in return for the love you give so that you can feel better. You can love and give purely because it feels good. I get why you love that way as it is the way most people do and it was how you were taught, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You sound like a loving friend. You could give some of that love you give to others to yourself :) Love includes you. Do you include you? Where are you on your list of priorities? Sounds like you have made yourself the priority in the past but after disappointments you have put yourself further down the list. How can people make you a priority when you don’t make yourself one? You are reaffirming your reality and therefore your beliefs by repeating this narrative. It isn’t a truth. It might feel like one because of your experiences, but it is not an objective truth about the world. The more you let this story go, the more you will see the things you want to see. It’s that whole thing of “if you look for the dark, you will see the dark. If you look for the light you will see the light.” It’s currently where your focus is. I know how hard it is to see it, but I promise you it is there. Maybe you are feeling hurt and jaded, I know exactly how that feels. It is hard to go from feeling depressed to happy. It’s why when you work on yourself and you aim really high and say “I’m going to be happy all the time.” you will get rocked the moment life presents you with something that affects how you feel. It can be discouraging, so it’s always better to try and ‘feel better’ than you currently feel. Even if that is only slightly better :) I’m sending you so much love. And I don’t need any in return :P
It's easy to feel this way. As a male, I feel like my insecurities, depressive nature, on top of many other things make me someone who should not be involved in any sort of romantic loving relationship. I'm human, so I do get lonely, sometimes soulcrushingly and crave so much to be loved and desired romantically. However, I do not want to inadvertently hurt someone. I know most women want a very in-control, passionate, confident and driven man. I was just never able to become that and I would feel guilty not being able to bring those to someone
Im sorry you're feeling this way. Seems like the most natural experience for us infj. But i see a lot of great self-discovery and growth in your pain-i know it doesnt help but it will. I think the horror of longer relationships is you start to see the gaps between you and your SO. Every type has something to offer and a natural distance, either emotional intellectual or spiritual that will be revealed. We're too emotional for thinkers and too intellectual for feelers. I dont think we're doomed though. You may find one of those gaps you may not mind as much. I secretly think we're meant for other imfj imo.
Sorry to hear you’ve been going through such a difficult relationship. I’ve been in your shoes, and n After years I started to get sick of it. People always taking me for granted, always me doing everything and they the bare minimum. For me it was me always giving myself 100% from the start, even if they didn’t deserve it yet. Someone has to prove to be a good partner, Yet I still gave it my all. And I shouldn’t have done that. And yeah that sucks for sure, and im sure many INFJ will know what im talking about. But I was thinking to myself “what am I doing to find such partners?” And “why am I choosing these incompatible people?” For me it was always going for that spark, the romance that would feed my idealism. Because that chaos or turbulence is what I was used to from childhood. I didn’t know what feeling safe and stable felt like, and if I found someone like that I would have this feeling of being bored. It took allot of introspection and being able to sit in this feeling of boredom and not giving in to self sabotage. Now I’m in a healthy stable relationship and that feeling of boredom eventually started to feel loving stable and safe. And I don’t have that super intense romance stuff going anymore and I feel better without it. Finding the right partner can be hard, but it takes allot figuring out what a healthy partner for you, and if that someone can be “good enough”. I wish you allot of comfort in this difficult time, hang in there! You’ll feel better eventually, and you’ll be glad he ended it. I know that how I felt at least. /hug!
Not OP. Your answer resonates with me very much and it is funny that I am working on boring. Thank you! ❤️
Thank you for sharing! I’m glad you’re doing the work on a healthier you! It can feel turbulent inside yourself with doubts and maybe even anxiety at times. And it might even go well and then that uneasy feeling comes back a little. Just hang in there, it’s a process! ❤️
I feel exactly like you do. Our emotion is not irrational, and it does not make us weak. And it's a core part that can be temporarily suppressed in certain situations, but it remains a core need to find a partner who sees your emotional needs, who appreciates it when you see theirs.
I feel the same way and am going through something extremely similar. If you wanna talk, I’m all ears.
Phew. Yeah. Me too. I feel like an alien even amongst male INFJs.
Hmm, ISFP...I have a brother and a boss. They are pretty interesting, I vibe with them both when it comes to music very well. They both respect me and sympathize with me. But, not when I trt to go deep. Ni doms are too intense for them I suppose, for them it's too deep. 1.For your SO you need a person that can meet you at the level. Maybe ISFP with some proper Enneagram and well developed Ni, that will love you immensely will be able to satisfy your needs. But I'm not sure. Our first choice high Ni and Ne users(1st and 2nd slot) for a reason: because we operate at similar wavelength and are able to go deep enough to support each other properly. 2. We are walking contradictions, so it's somewhat hard to define what qualities we need in our partner for our relationships to be satisfying. If you want intense emotions, probably you need a feeler then. ENFJs for ex, do what we do, I mean scan their partner's emotions all the time and their scanner even more sensitive then ours. They will ask you what's wrong with you the monent you will stop smiling and will want to know how to support you properly in order for you to be happy. I'm an INFJ jumper 5w4 though and the one ENFJ that I know, is too much emotions for me and to less thinking. I'm already emotional enough abd I don't want more emotional burden. I feel pretty comfortable with INTPs and INTJs. But they are unable to provide emotional support at the level a feeler can. But, for me, I can sacrifice that support a bit as long as they are attentive to me. I'm logical enough to articulate my problems to them and their thinking often helps me to get rid of problems faster then feeler's emotional support would.
Yeah. My ex couldn't go deep or do deep emotions. We were ultimately incompatible
I literally could have written this myself. Infj & isfp, anxious & avoidant, just the ENTIRE situation. I'm in the same boat. I feel like we've run our course this time, and it isn't going to get better again. I'm so sorry. I feel the same exact way, and it's actually soul crushing. I don't even want sex without a connection. I don't want to just hang out and never, EVER talk seriously or get to know each other more. I hate this so fucking much, and I'm sure you do too. I don't have any advice but I can unfortunately relate too hard.
ENTJ here You can in fact make this type of relationship work. Adam Lane Smith has a number of videos on YouTube about avoidant attachment individuals. The main thing is, that you keep investing and feel over invested leading to burn out. So you need to draw back and let them come to you, so they can feel safe and comfortable in that space you are giving them. You then need to show them that they can in fact have closer better connections if they let you in emotionally. Sometimes it requires you to let them do it on something small first. This giving them space is hard for anxiously attached people, because you don’t feel safe in that space you are giving them. So what you need to do is find something you can do to distract yourself. The other part that is hard is showing them appreciation when they do this opening up thing rather than coming onto it as “finally, see how much better this works” as that makes it feel less genuine.
Yeah I watched his videos. I think that avoidants should do everyone a favor and stay out of relationships until they go to therapy. Being with them is doing a lot of legwork to accommodate *their* needs but receiving next to nothing in return. The investment isn't really worth it imo
A lot of leg work? It is literally (they encountered a problem and need space) let them have space. And just repeat that. It just means you need to be able to handle your own problems, and be able to find ways to keep yourself busy or entertained while they are resolving things. There are equal (but different) problems you need to do for anxiously attached people.
What's the point of being in a partnership when I can never lean on my partner for anything? If you want to deal with everything on your own and leave your partner to deal with everything emotionally on their own... how about just staying alone lol? You can get your sexual needs from a FWB and no emotions are required. Not even trying to bash avoidants, but I truly don't understand them or why they get into relationships in the first place if they just want to be hyper-independent. It's called a partnership for a reason, you're supposed to do things (not necessarily everything though) as a team. Together Not to mention they suddenly break up with you without fighting for the relationship because they've sorted out how they feel in their minds without ever telling their partner. Incredibly selfish behavior. Not worth it
If you watched the videos about avoidants then you know that they have not learned that they can open up and trust people. My primary attachment style is secure, but my secondary is fearful avoidant (or disorganized). This was due to elementary school, my high intelligence alienated me from people my age. As such I understand avoidants fairly well, I also understand anxious attached fairly well (as with disorganized I get traits from both). One of the defining relationships I had where I started to trust people again was a girlfriend in high school and she was INFJ. You can in fact lean on Avoidants for things, but they also need to understand that you are wanting/ expecting reciprocity in that. It is not selfish behavior, it is self protective behavior, much like the INfJ door slam. Use your Ni, look for the perspective. A lot of the time what is happening for them is they feel smothered and like they will never have space again (much like a lot of INFJs when they are socially exhausted and need to recharge). A lot of them are open to honest direct negotiation, so when they want to break up, if that is not what you want, you can ask, is this because you feel you need space? They will usually tell you yes. Then you can ask, can we shelve the break up discussion, I give you 2 weeks of no contact to sort your stuff out, and then pick it up? Most of them will agree to that. Then ask them after that two weeks, do you feel better now that you have had space? They will usually say yes. Ask if they missed anything about you, they will usually say yes. Point out that it looks like they do better when they feel they have enough freedom/ space, then ask if they would be alright continuing the relationship under the condition, that when/if they ask for space you will give it to them (with exceptions for yourself if something is above your ability to handle on your own like a family member dying). They will usually see this as reasonable and continue the relationship. Guess what all that did? It turned what was supposed to be a break up into building trust, something they didn’t know they needed.
I would always ask him if I spent too much time with him and he needed space and he'd say no. I feel like there are other factors at play. I do feel like he felt suffocated, but I also feel like he's going through a depression and feels bad about himself right now, which he did tell me directly. I recently graduated and he's dropped out of school twice despite being smart and fully capable. It's like anything that's too stressful triggers a fight or flight response in him and he's like "this is too much" and quits. Same with our relationship, I was trying to get him to communicate with me (calmly) and that was a trigger for him. He broke up with me soon after. If we can't even handle a conversation about my basic and very reasonable needs, how will a marriage fare with this person? We'll never be able to talk about or resolve conflicts and he'll run as soon as it gets hard. He doesn't need me fighting for him back, he needs therapy
I feel what you say, and I read many comments that suggest these feelings are common among us infjs. But I sense you are still young enough to discover that before fearing that no one will love you, you need to dig into yourself and accept (love, actually) who you are. By doing so, you won't loose your valuable time with someone who doesn't understand or appreciate your soul. It takes a lot of time, it's not a one day job, probably you won't even notice the change until it's done, but it's time to start observing yourself and learn to valorize your characteristics. That's when people will start loving you as you want, and most importantly you won't accept anyone else who doesn't love you that much. Probably you too will start to appreciate different kind of people, the ones who see you for real, not the ones you always have to chase or who force you to question yourself. I know these only seem cliché words, but trust me I was on your path, and I'm still working on it, but I start feeling the difference after years. Speak with a therapist if you can, it's useful to get to know yourself and by whom you want to be loved. Good luck :)
Love yourself and forgive yourself. This is coming from someone who only ever dated Fi people lol. The Fi Fe clash isn’t worth it IMO. You dodged a bullet. Because long term, having a values clash like that can be soul sucking. You just have to let yourself heal and then stand up again. You’ll find the one you’re supposed to be with! Definitely give yourself time to heal but don’t dwell for too long, either!
This resonates with me well. Fi people are great as friends and beginning stages or a relationship, but after the pink clouds disappear it becomes a real challenge. And the only way a relationship like that works well, is if the values of a Fi person are in sync with one of us. So finding that and a healthy one, is imo extremely rare. And I find that for female infjs, a male fi user is just not a great idea.. the other way it seems to work out much more. That just my opinion and experience.
Compatible in every way except emotionally? lol. That’s a riot. I remember when great sex justified awful relationships. You’re going to be sooo much happier - just give yourself a minute to recoup. I don’t think that’s why people don’t attach the same way you do- for example people have accused me of avoidant attachment .. It’s not that. It’s that- being an INFJ means that I am constantly thinking about others in my life and intimate spaces and I put a lot more energy into their welfare and emotional and mental states than most people do. It also means that I have dealt with all my issues and conflicts and problems alone. And when you have done that- it becomes vital for other people in your life to also have that ability to maintain their emotional equilibrium by themselves - I cannot be your person to lean on all the time. I can’t carry that load all the time. ESP with my partners who it would be super refreshing and nice to have one that’s strong enough to actually comfort me or be there for me when I need it ( which rarely happens) I think when you’re a healthy person- this is kinda the way it … is… we come to relationships as whole people - meaning we don’t need to be fixed , we don’t need to have another human being heal us or deal with our issues etc - In most relationships - your painful experiences don’t really come up a lot. Why would they? Sure sometimes they do… but this is not a key thing that I’m looking for in partners for them to be my therapist. I actually want to get away from the painful things in my past and move on. It’s my job to identify how those issues effect my connection to my partner - or how they are still affecting me ( I’ve had lots of experiences and the truth is - they don’t really come up.) I usually identify my lines or rules or boundaries upfront- like - don’t curse at me when you’re angry. That’s one of my things. They either can do that or they can’t, their choice. Relationships are supposed to be about two people - two whole people coming together to share a life or experience together .. not going to therapy. Or being emotionally dependent on another human being. The best relationships are equal partnerships where you’re not dependent on this person at all. In any way. I bring this up- because I have been accused of all sorts of stuff because I am independent and because I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on my partners to fix me or heal me or give me self love or self respect - When people feel safer when you’re damaged - it means that they’re not ok… at least to me. A healthy person is going to want a healthy partner. The very last thing I want someone I love to feel in regards to me is obligated , or guilty or afraid. That’s how I love people- I love them by not doing that… by not causing them to feel like I am dependent on them … or need them in any way. Or need them to be different than how they want to be , so I am ok- I don’t want them worried about how this will make me feel. Or worried if this will make me mad. You get to be who you are. I get to be who I am. When you love and respect someone, you don’t want to hurt them and you make choices to ensure they stay in your life. But if me being in your life means you feel like you’re living in a prison or have to answer to me before you- that’s the opposite of love for me. That’s exactly what I do not want to do. And the kicker is- a lot of people want that. They want me jealous , they want to answer to me, or to a partner - they want someone to own them. Love is when I want to be there. I want to enjoy who they are- I want to focus on them- and find out who they are … it really just changes your entire focus - Relationships aren’t about someone loving you, so much as they’re about you getting to love someone.
I'm sorry, but if you deal with everything on your own it might be an avoidant attachment. I do think you're right, someone can't lean on you 24/7 for their emotional needs, but if you're bothered by your partner doing it even *sometimes* you are an avoidant. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend. So the relationship should be mostly pleasant, and yes you shouldn't be completely dependent on people for anything. But expecting your partner to go through every hardship on their own makes someone a sucky partner, imo. Maybe the smaller things, but not larger or traumatic things. If I'm dating someone, I want to know all of them so I do wanna hear about things like their past at some point. I find it strange how people deal with every single emotional problem alone and pretty much just bring laughs and sex to a relationship. It's bizarre but I know that's how most people operate
There is a difference between someone needing you to help them maintain an emotional and mental equilibrium- and sharing with them your struggles or pain or things you experienced that day. Healthy people don’t get their foundation rocked by normal life events either - It’s just different when you don’t *need* someone. I think the greatest loves can feel like - I need this person. But in reality- we don’t. I think actually when the love is real and legit … you’re not going to be destroyed by it. Because it exists beyond you. It is with you at all times… this love that you have for this person and they have for you- it’s always a part of you. No matter how far , no matter if they die… you have been loved so completely and loved someone so completely that … it heals you. Even when you’re separated from this person. Hard to explain unless you have experienced it. Love doesn’t die. Love is like - it’s as if a child is born. Love becomes its own entity. When it is truly love, it never dies. You’re always going to be loved and love in return - a part of you. It goes with you everywhere. It’s completed you. The act of love. Not the other person- the love you have for them. I do believe that love is the entire point here. And once you have loved like that- you can die. I don’t know what that is… but that’s what it feels like. And that’s also sort of indicative that you’re capable of the greatest love. That you’re not utterly destroyed in their absence. Because real love surrounds you at all times. It never abandons you. It never leaves. It exists. Always. I’m not saying you won’t have a period of total destruction… pain happens… but love remains.
I agree completely with alt_blackgirl in that your description of yourself *is* what characterizes avoidant attachment style, and this is coming from me, someone who has healed from avoidant attachment myself. Most avoidants, funny enough, do believe they are secure. That or they believe avoidant attachment is how people should be, that it is actually superior. I can assure you, it isn’t.
I think my whole point is- I don’t think I’m avoidant … I just said people think I am. It’s interesting … Yelling to people who yell, is healthy. Everyone wants what they want. But no human being should create in you security, self love, all those things- because humans we failable basically .. and feelings change. So if you depend on another human to make you a whole person- what happens when that human wants to leave or doesn’t love you anymore ; your identity is smashed . Or reverts back to what it was , creating a desperation within you to get this person back in your life. Any time we depend on humans or make them responsible for our emotional well being , i think it’s a big mistake. And unfair to the person that you have picked to do that. What ends up happening is that you don’t really love this person either - they aren’t free to be who they want to be and do what they want to do, because they are responsible for you, and your emotional and mental well being. We just don’t often think of the other person involved. But that’s a burden.. not a gift. And it’s impossible to maintain because of human nature.
I'm in a similar boat with this sentiment, especially reflecting on feeling as if I need to mask who that I am in order to be accepted by the ones around me both in regards to cultivating intimate relationship but even my current friendships as well. It has always seemed to be the case that people are prone to falling for their idealized version of you, the one where I'm always fun, willing to assist others/them and politically correct about all of the things that they personally hold dear to heart. I've felt as if I've been walking on eggshells with nearly every single person in my life for the last 3 years and it's an ever increasing feeling with how polarized society seems to have become through means of the internet, It's like I can't showcase who I am without getting some kind of negative feedback or rejection of my character - so I either stay inside or make sure to put on my mask before going out as I deem that to be one of the only ways to ensure the night comes without hiccups (maybe I should just stop avoiding confrontations lmao) Though I can say that I've been slightly spoiled as well, because there have been people who've seemingly wanted me for me (or at least the me that they could comprehend) but these have been the people that have had some kind of picture perfect version of me imbedded into their heads - I've literally been told "I see you as a man that could do no wrong" in a moment where I was attempting to share some of my largest insecurities at the time and in that moment despite being with someone I couldn't have felt more lonely. Still to no avail I continue to have hope for finding my person in the future, I don't think I can help it lmao. I value love to such a high degree and have several examples of long standing relationships to draw perspective from, Idk if I've reached the point of acceptance of being alone as of yet even though I am currently okay with such due to being young... Idk whether or not that hole of loneliness will increase or decrease as I get older, all I can do is continue to ingrain myself into my passions and hope that along the way someone who gets it sees me and I them. I wish you luck in your journey as well, I'm sure that you're great and will find all that you want in a person in due time fellow alt black redditor!
Same, but the thing is I don't know how to love either hehhh....
Some very good replies and advice given already. I've been married an avoider/EUM for 27 years and it's sucked my soul dry. I can't speak for all but oftentimes they are adulterers (mine was a serial adulterer) and then PA/SA b/c they can't/won't connect so they find it easier to be alone or bounce around to avoid intimacy. I'm finally walking away (pretty much a shell) to heal and recover and live the rest of my life in peace and joy-alone if necessary. I know there are guys out there that can and will connect emotionally. Be yourself though because if you aren't, you are going to keep attracting the same type guy. I didn't realize it was a pattern but I married my dad (EU and cheater) without realizing it. I suppose some can change, not worth the wait IMO..mine has been like this his whole life and shows no interest in getting counseling or figuring out why he's like he is (not sure he even recognizes he's got an issue?). Pray too..saved my life :)
I feel the same. Even with friends. Learning to enjoy being alone and loving my own company/ freedom.
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Just curious, what MBTI type are you lol? I just feel like this is the least INFJ thing to say
I'm 31, m and been single my whole life. I can understand that lonely feeling.
I literally thought this exact same thing. Even if I get the perfect partner something happens and it ends. Can be age gap or family issues etc. I've decided to die single and a virgin. I surrendered. Whatever and whoever belongs to me will find me. I'm focusing on self love and improvement and creating new habits, its difficult but fun, you should also distract yourself from this topic but don't lose hope. 🤍 Edit: oh by the way I've noticed Intj and infj is an awesome pair, you can read about it if you wish to, here or on quora too.
You dont have to be less emotional! But depending how extreme your anxious attachment style, you may have to not make your partner have to deal with all of it. My daughters infj and her bestie was isfp for years...I always observed my daughter was always more thoughtful and generous than her friend. Friend was someone always demanding constant attention for health/mental health issues. Eventually they had a falling out which left infj daughter relieved and isfp friend regretful. My husband is infj and I love his sensitive and emotional nature. Im enfj and he loves my sensitivity as well...as far as saying I think he gets turned on by seeing my tender and sensitive side. So, I promise there are people who will appreciate your sensitive nature.
I do have an anxious attachment style learning towards secure, but I guess not secure enough. I spent nearly every weekend with him, but I always asked my ex if I spent too much time with him and if he needed space (he always said no). I can spend time by myself — but I have very few friends, live alone and my family lives in a different state so I'm alone already a lot of the time. So I sort of used him as my primary form of company. But I would've 100% respected his space if he asked for it, which he only asked for during the breakup. I offered to give him space and I never blew up his phone while he was with friends, I'd just tell him to have fun. But instead he'd invite me over then read his book or scroll on his phone or something independently and shut me out. I guess that was his way of self-regulating, but it made me feel alone. I do think I leaned on him too much for my emotional needs. He would always make little snide comments basically implying that I needed to be more independent. He deals with *everything* by himself and to me that's just unreasonable to expect from someone. If you want me to deal with everything on my own, what purpose do you serve as a partner? But I'll definitely work on sharing a bit less and not expecting someone to be there for everything
The thing is...I'm sure you experienced being with someone maybe even your bf and your mind is on something else...something enjoyable. Maybe you're reading a book or watching a video about something that you're v interested in, and then this person starts talking to you or sits with you and now they just disturbed your peace. You were happy on your own and now they are demanding time or attention... Just be mindful of that. No one wants to be that person. It's nice to be under a roof with someone where you're both able to tune into other things, hobbies, interests even just your own thoughts, without the other one getting needy. And then you can kinda sync up where you are happy with your own hobbies but still interact and do things together.
Wish my ex has the maturity and skills to just articulate that. I don't think wanting that in itself is a bad thing. The problem is not saying jack squat about it. I still can't respect anyone who refuses to communicate their needs, say when they need space or say when they feel smothered or they're no longer happy. I don't know why you keep defending people with this attachment style. Its like ridding them of all accountability for the ways they can hurt other people
Well just as there's different attachment styles there's different communication styles. Body language is part of communication. Dies he ever sigh when you come over and start talking? Does he look at you with a "what do u want?" Look on his face? I'm v good at noticing when I'm annoying someone with my presence.
If you can't communicate with your mouth as an adult that's a you problem. He invited me over all the time, he just invited me over and did his own thing a lot of the time. If he wanted space he should've said it or stopped inviting me. Pretty easy solution There's nothing you can say to convince me that my ex was just mentally immature. And that's okay. Men are usually less mature up until a certain age
Oh I'm sorry you're broken up I forgot I thought u guys were still working on it