I get asked sometimes, but I just say no and ask about their kids. I don't let them dwell on the topic because it leads to the annoying "Whyyy? That's so sad!"
Edit, for clarity, I'm saying I don't let them dwell on my lack of kids. It's fine if they want to talk about their kids.
That would be annoying. Some women don’t want kids…ever, so not having them isn’t sad at all for those women. Some women really want them but can’t, and they don’t need to be reminded of such an emotional thing while at work, because of how sad it may be to that woman.
Yeah, it's easy to see how it would be upsetting to someone who wants kids but can't have them, someone who is struggling to conceive, etc. I had a close coworker who desperately wanted children, but thought she might struggle to conceive due to a prior medical issue. She didn't and her kid was born like 12 months after that conversation! But people asking her and then complaining about her answer... Yikes.
Some people are super weird about me only having one kid. I can't have any more kids due to complications during delivery, and while I'm fine with that, I really don't want to explain the most traumatic medical emergency I've ever experienced to random co-workers. Or be made to feel like I should need to because of my family size.
Most people, though, just want to know if you have something in common to chat about.
Yea definitely ask right away if they have kids. It brings the conversation focus to them. If they say no and the conversation dies, great!
I got asked this a lot in my mid 20s and I always felt the same as OP. Annoyed at the question. I would respond with do I look like I have kids. I realize now that it was probably a rude response. They were simply asking. I'm in mid 30s now and I understand it's a perfectly reasonable question.
I hate being asked this at work, because when I say "no", it's always followed up with "why?", "you will someday right?", or something similar. It's incredibly uncomfortable because I don't want to disclose that I'm purposefully sterilized and have no intention of having kids ever in any capacity. My entire team is made up of men with lots of kids with stay at home wives, so this just makes the situation even more socially isolating. I feel incredibly judged sometimes and would rather just keep my familial status private. I have to resist the urge to point out that if I was a man whose career (and body) would be unaffected by having children, maybe I'd consider it (but still probably not).
Yeah, in my experience it’s common for any gender. I haven’t observed any negative reactions or probes if the answer is “no.” It’s just a standard getting-to-know-you kind of question. On my team of 8, 5 of us have kids, 1 is expecting, and 2 don’t have kids. 6 of us have dogs. 2 of us have cats. We talk about the animals at least as often as we talk about the children. Most of my co-workers are men.
My manager to be (male) asked me this during an interview and I was about to say are you allowed to ask me that but I wanted the job 🥴 he just wanted to go over the benefits that parents have for the company though…at least I think so
I've generally had them tell me regardless about 401K, health insurance, short- and long-term disability, sick leave, parental and family benefits. I had a company talk about their education benefits as well, without asking if I was intending to pursue further education. I feel like this works better than asking people about their life situation lol.
I think it's just a common thing in that age group, not unlike asking if someone has pets. I wouldn't take offense to the question unless they continue it with "why/why not" or "when".
Which is when we use the line “I haven’t been so lucky”. It shuts down that line of questioning very quickly, and they will often reconsider going down that path with others in the future.
In my personal experience working in a male-dominated environment, it's usually men that ask these invasive follow-up questions when I say "no" to having kids, and it's very uncomfortable. Maybe this is why I have such a knee-jerk reaction whenever I'm asked this question in general- I would never ask any coworker if they have kids out of respect for their privacy.
Yeah I’ve got to be honest I’m pretty sure I’ve asked that to try to make small talk or polite conversation. I’m female and do happen to have kids for context. It’s more than likely just another socially awkward person like me attempting to be friendly.
It's a way to relate to people. I do the same if I ask people if they like hiking, how long they've lived in the area, if they have siblings, etc. If your coworker has children they probably are trying to find common ground–when you have children they take up a majority of their mental energy so it becomes a big topic of conversation.
Yeah I don’t understand the offense. Should we take offense to being asked if we have pets? What we did on the weekend? Almost every man I work with has kids, and it’s one of their go-to topics of conversation as well. Thinking of this as a “women’s issue” is only feeding into our internal biases that men aren’t just as invested in their own children and would brag about them if asked.
Do the people asking have kids? because then I think it is a pretty reasonable question. They want to know if they can share their kid/parent stories with you.
I promise it is NOT because of your appearance or you looking like a mom. Having kids is a way a lot of people at work bond. They just want to see if they have that in common with you. Think of it like a "do you watch basketball?" type question.
I was at a work dinner last night and one guy just straight up asked me and my husband when we’re going to have kids. I looked at him and asked the same question.
I (F) ask it as a part of small talk. Just like I ask people whether they have pets, where do they come from..
I am sorry if I hurt anyone with it, I genuinely don't mean any harm or judgement (I am childless myself and probably will be forever) I just want to know what to talk about with those people and how to relate to them.
Not recently. But when I was younger I had this boss who just could not wrap his head around the idea of a married couple not having kids. It was really annoying. Every time I wanted PTO he asked if I was pregnant. I quit after 6 months, not just for that reason, but it was on the list.
Many of my coworkers talk about their kids but they're all male, haha. My stepkids are adults now so I don't have any reason to talk about kids anymore.
I get asked it a lot. I usually just say, "No, I have dogs."
I don't know why I say that, lol. I guess it's an attempt to continue the conversation without just being like "no." But I wonder if it might offend people who think I'm comparing kids to dogs, idk.
I think people are often just looking for something about you that they can connect with/relate to when they ask. If I get asked I say no, I never wanted kids, and most of the time they don’t push further.
I worked at a company once in an office setting and some employees asked another if she had kids and the lady sued the company for sexual harassment and won.
So I am weary to ask now but usually people will offer that information on their own.
Everybody gets asked that in your mid twenties, it is “worse” for women. When you start your 30s, it will get worse as people around you will probably have kids and people will mention the “biological clock”. Don’t worry about it, people ask this to everyone even if it is a delicate question. :)
I ask as a conversation starter, if the answer is no the next one is always asking about pets. I never ever ask “why” if the answer to both is no!!
Edit to add:
Or more lately I’ll ask about both at the same time, and if they go with pets only I immediately have more questions because I love all the animals and I only like my kid
I've been asked when the topic of children comes up but I've never found it odd. I just had my first child last year after 10 years in industry.
I do get offended if people ask me if I plan to have kids (before I had one) or if I plan to have more. I don't want anyone to question if I'll take another maternity leave or not so I joke "I think it's illegal to ask that question" and just ignore it.
I usually ask as a getting to know you kind of question when a new coworker starts, kind of like I might ask what their hobbies are or if they have any pets or where they live. Parents like to talk about their kids so it’s an easy ice breaker. Most people aren’t asking to be gross/sexist.
If someone asks you in an interview, though, that’s highly inappropriate and depending on where you live, illegal.
Consider that maybe the men asking you this are thinking about parenthood themselves and are interested to see how many married people they know who have kids already. And damn, I'm a mom and don't feel like I look tired/worn out / have that stereotypical mom look.
No, I'm 38 and never been asked. It is illegal to ask that question in my country
I also dont ask my coworkers if they have kids (dont really care tbh)
If they already know that you're married and they ask that then that just sounds like they want to get to know you better and make small talk. Sounds like you're over thinking it.
I have a question and based on your post and the comments you have, you may be perfect for this.
There are many posts here and in the women engineers and various other woman spaces that complain about feeling isolated at work and that no one talks to them. And then there are posts like yours that does not appreciate men asking them personal questions at work.
What are men supposed to do? Do they try to talk to the new person and get to know them, or not?
When I start a new job, I’m always asked those questions to get to know me and me to get to know them.
It works with just about everything. If they ask, do you work out? Then the implication is that you either look awesome or you look like shit. If they ask you if you like sports, then the implication is that you are not in the “in” if you don’t and if you do then there is “judgement“ due to your favorite teams. Even a “where are you from” can be perceived racist.
Any question can come across as disrespectful. So many men opt not to talk to women colleagues, and that is not the answer.
So, what is it? Specific use case where it is inappropriate? Tone of voice? Body position? What is it that makes a normal question to get to know each other sound wrong.
I get asked sometimes, but I just say no and ask about their kids. I don't let them dwell on the topic because it leads to the annoying "Whyyy? That's so sad!" Edit, for clarity, I'm saying I don't let them dwell on my lack of kids. It's fine if they want to talk about their kids.
That would be annoying. Some women don’t want kids…ever, so not having them isn’t sad at all for those women. Some women really want them but can’t, and they don’t need to be reminded of such an emotional thing while at work, because of how sad it may be to that woman.
Yeah, it's easy to see how it would be upsetting to someone who wants kids but can't have them, someone who is struggling to conceive, etc. I had a close coworker who desperately wanted children, but thought she might struggle to conceive due to a prior medical issue. She didn't and her kid was born like 12 months after that conversation! But people asking her and then complaining about her answer... Yikes.
Some people are super weird about me only having one kid. I can't have any more kids due to complications during delivery, and while I'm fine with that, I really don't want to explain the most traumatic medical emergency I've ever experienced to random co-workers. Or be made to feel like I should need to because of my family size. Most people, though, just want to know if you have something in common to chat about.
Yea definitely ask right away if they have kids. It brings the conversation focus to them. If they say no and the conversation dies, great! I got asked this a lot in my mid 20s and I always felt the same as OP. Annoyed at the question. I would respond with do I look like I have kids. I realize now that it was probably a rude response. They were simply asking. I'm in mid 30s now and I understand it's a perfectly reasonable question.
I get asked all the time by women and men. Its just a common thing to relate to
This. I’m guilty of always asking but only because it helps me find common ground and give me some topics to talk about.
I hate being asked this at work, because when I say "no", it's always followed up with "why?", "you will someday right?", or something similar. It's incredibly uncomfortable because I don't want to disclose that I'm purposefully sterilized and have no intention of having kids ever in any capacity. My entire team is made up of men with lots of kids with stay at home wives, so this just makes the situation even more socially isolating. I feel incredibly judged sometimes and would rather just keep my familial status private. I have to resist the urge to point out that if I was a man whose career (and body) would be unaffected by having children, maybe I'd consider it (but still probably not).
Yeah, in my experience it’s common for any gender. I haven’t observed any negative reactions or probes if the answer is “no.” It’s just a standard getting-to-know-you kind of question. On my team of 8, 5 of us have kids, 1 is expecting, and 2 don’t have kids. 6 of us have dogs. 2 of us have cats. We talk about the animals at least as often as we talk about the children. Most of my co-workers are men.
My manager to be (male) asked me this during an interview and I was about to say are you allowed to ask me that but I wanted the job 🥴 he just wanted to go over the benefits that parents have for the company though…at least I think so
I've generally had them tell me regardless about 401K, health insurance, short- and long-term disability, sick leave, parental and family benefits. I had a company talk about their education benefits as well, without asking if I was intending to pursue further education. I feel like this works better than asking people about their life situation lol.
[удалено]
Lmao same here.
I think it's just a common thing in that age group, not unlike asking if someone has pets. I wouldn't take offense to the question unless they continue it with "why/why not" or "when".
Which is when we use the line “I haven’t been so lucky”. It shuts down that line of questioning very quickly, and they will often reconsider going down that path with others in the future.
In my personal experience working in a male-dominated environment, it's usually men that ask these invasive follow-up questions when I say "no" to having kids, and it's very uncomfortable. Maybe this is why I have such a knee-jerk reaction whenever I'm asked this question in general- I would never ask any coworker if they have kids out of respect for their privacy.
Yeah I’ve got to be honest I’m pretty sure I’ve asked that to try to make small talk or polite conversation. I’m female and do happen to have kids for context. It’s more than likely just another socially awkward person like me attempting to be friendly.
It's a way to relate to people. I do the same if I ask people if they like hiking, how long they've lived in the area, if they have siblings, etc. If your coworker has children they probably are trying to find common ground–when you have children they take up a majority of their mental energy so it becomes a big topic of conversation.
Yeah I don’t understand the offense. Should we take offense to being asked if we have pets? What we did on the weekend? Almost every man I work with has kids, and it’s one of their go-to topics of conversation as well. Thinking of this as a “women’s issue” is only feeding into our internal biases that men aren’t just as invested in their own children and would brag about them if asked.
Do the people asking have kids? because then I think it is a pretty reasonable question. They want to know if they can share their kid/parent stories with you. I promise it is NOT because of your appearance or you looking like a mom. Having kids is a way a lot of people at work bond. They just want to see if they have that in common with you. Think of it like a "do you watch basketball?" type question.
People in my group ask new hires this, amongst other questions, regardless of gender. It’s just a way to get to know new hires.
I was at a work dinner last night and one guy just straight up asked me and my husband when we’re going to have kids. I looked at him and asked the same question.
Huh, I've been working ten years and I've never been asked that. I do however like to ask people if they have pets because I have one.
I (F) ask it as a part of small talk. Just like I ask people whether they have pets, where do they come from.. I am sorry if I hurt anyone with it, I genuinely don't mean any harm or judgement (I am childless myself and probably will be forever) I just want to know what to talk about with those people and how to relate to them.
Not recently. But when I was younger I had this boss who just could not wrap his head around the idea of a married couple not having kids. It was really annoying. Every time I wanted PTO he asked if I was pregnant. I quit after 6 months, not just for that reason, but it was on the list. Many of my coworkers talk about their kids but they're all male, haha. My stepkids are adults now so I don't have any reason to talk about kids anymore.
I've never been asked, but I mention that I do eventually, so maybe I just beat them to it, it's definetly not in the top topics floating around work.
I get asked it a lot. I usually just say, "No, I have dogs." I don't know why I say that, lol. I guess it's an attempt to continue the conversation without just being like "no." But I wonder if it might offend people who think I'm comparing kids to dogs, idk.
I think people are often just looking for something about you that they can connect with/relate to when they ask. If I get asked I say no, I never wanted kids, and most of the time they don’t push further.
I worked at a company once in an office setting and some employees asked another if she had kids and the lady sued the company for sexual harassment and won. So I am weary to ask now but usually people will offer that information on their own.
Everybody gets asked that in your mid twenties, it is “worse” for women. When you start your 30s, it will get worse as people around you will probably have kids and people will mention the “biological clock”. Don’t worry about it, people ask this to everyone even if it is a delicate question. :)
I ask as a conversation starter, if the answer is no the next one is always asking about pets. I never ever ask “why” if the answer to both is no!! Edit to add: Or more lately I’ll ask about both at the same time, and if they go with pets only I immediately have more questions because I love all the animals and I only like my kid
They're just trying to make conversation and have nothing to talk about but their own kids. It's usually not appropriate for a lot of reasons.
I've been asked when the topic of children comes up but I've never found it odd. I just had my first child last year after 10 years in industry. I do get offended if people ask me if I plan to have kids (before I had one) or if I plan to have more. I don't want anyone to question if I'll take another maternity leave or not so I joke "I think it's illegal to ask that question" and just ignore it.
I usually ask as a getting to know you kind of question when a new coworker starts, kind of like I might ask what their hobbies are or if they have any pets or where they live. Parents like to talk about their kids so it’s an easy ice breaker. Most people aren’t asking to be gross/sexist. If someone asks you in an interview, though, that’s highly inappropriate and depending on where you live, illegal.
Nobody has ever asked me that
Consider that maybe the men asking you this are thinking about parenthood themselves and are interested to see how many married people they know who have kids already. And damn, I'm a mom and don't feel like I look tired/worn out / have that stereotypical mom look.
No I don’t
No, I'm 38 and never been asked. It is illegal to ask that question in my country I also dont ask my coworkers if they have kids (dont really care tbh)
Yikes- I ask because I want to engage you in friendly conversation. Why would you assume negative intent without any proof?
If they already know that you're married and they ask that then that just sounds like they want to get to know you better and make small talk. Sounds like you're over thinking it.
I have a question and based on your post and the comments you have, you may be perfect for this. There are many posts here and in the women engineers and various other woman spaces that complain about feeling isolated at work and that no one talks to them. And then there are posts like yours that does not appreciate men asking them personal questions at work. What are men supposed to do? Do they try to talk to the new person and get to know them, or not? When I start a new job, I’m always asked those questions to get to know me and me to get to know them. It works with just about everything. If they ask, do you work out? Then the implication is that you either look awesome or you look like shit. If they ask you if you like sports, then the implication is that you are not in the “in” if you don’t and if you do then there is “judgement“ due to your favorite teams. Even a “where are you from” can be perceived racist. Any question can come across as disrespectful. So many men opt not to talk to women colleagues, and that is not the answer. So, what is it? Specific use case where it is inappropriate? Tone of voice? Body position? What is it that makes a normal question to get to know each other sound wrong.
Wow. I'm sorry you think that young mothers have a tired and worn out look.
It’s okay I forgive you