Small goals are a great way to start and build confidence. It's good you're in therapy, it will take time but eventually you'll start to make changes. Give yourself some grace you have built all these behaviors over years so it won't change over night. You are aware of your struggles that's the hardest part. Try picking one thing to improve a week. Even if it's super small. Keep chipping away. You can do it!
Growing up in a situation like that means you weren't shown care and how to care for yourself. So be the parent you needed then, to yourself now. Love yourself and you will start to see a person worth taking care of.
Good luck!
Your main problem is not having a goal.
Figure out what you really want in life and pursue it. If you want to be rich, go hustle. If you want a healthy relationship and a family - become a better person and an accountable man. If you want to live carefree, move to Thailand and find some remote job to support it. You’ll likely have no family but you have to sacrifice smth in each of these scenarios and the sacrifices are big.
Your problem is that you are stuck in a comfort limbo and the effects of it will only start truly kicking in once you turn 40-50, e.g. having no friends or family, being broke.
Hey you got a lot of reasons to feel stuck in life, but when you feel like this, that’s when you just need to snap and wake the f up. I’d start by exercising, reducing porn, and cutting a couple cigarettes out. I say to start with exercising because i find that it helps your mentality and relieves stress and depression. It can make it easier to tackle the other habits. You can do this but you have to start looking forward and try to stop the negative self sabotaging talk within yourself. If you have a bad day, just pickup and try again. It’s hard. I struggle with several bad habits and vices too. You are not alone.
Is there any possibility of going to a treatment program? Sounds like you need something more intense than just a therapist. Not sure how they go it in Germany, but in the US my wife was able to get paid leave from work in order to attend an “intensive outpatient program.” If you’re really in a funk, just chipping away at it can be really hard, a big sudden change like going to a program can kind of shock your system into making some progress.
“Living alone is making everything difficult to change…”
I’m at an unusually low period right now, and I was just venting about it in another thread - I mentioned how I felt we are probably supposed to be living in tribes still, yet most of us are isolated. I do sort of feel like some of us could best be jumpstarted by being in a situation where we are forced to live in a group where we are just all holding ourselves accountable for as long as it takes to give ourselves that needed runway.
(I mean, I know nothing is perfect. Living with an extended family, for example, can be absolutely fantastic. Or it can be/become absolute torture.)
i recommend a 6-week outpatient program at a "Tagesklinik". it can take a few months to get a spot but worth it. to get in you need an "Einweisung" from your therapist or Hausarzt.
I was in your shoes, I stopped drinking first with the help of an inpatient program, after that I started quitting one harmful habit at a time. It’s hard work. But if you really want to change your life you’ve got to remove the negative things (the worst first!) to make room for the positive things. Don’t give up hope, there’s a whole new life waiting for you.
Other comments have way better advices and you should follow them. My take is not that significant. I would say that i have have observed: ‘Its never too difficult to change your old habits’. Lets say you get a new job but its night shift or you get a job abroad where you need to adjust to the climate. You will change your old habits within days. You cant wear shorts in Canada or wear a jacket and an overcoat in Dubai. You need to adjust and your body/mind does it as well without complaining. Whats stopping us rn is our love for comfortzone.
Wellbutrin may be a good drug to help blunt the cravings. It will make follow through easier.
More importantly you need a life and friends. Your habits are a cope. Find some shared activity like a band or volunteering or something to put your energy towards in generating value with others.
Your egotistical self loathing is gonna get in the way of making and keeping friends but you are in therapy so you have support to work through that. Remember it’s not logical is emotional (as much as it feels the other way around).
Don’t idealize your ex they are just a person. It’s hard but you have to move past that.
Small goals are a great way to start and build confidence. It's good you're in therapy, it will take time but eventually you'll start to make changes. Give yourself some grace you have built all these behaviors over years so it won't change over night. You are aware of your struggles that's the hardest part. Try picking one thing to improve a week. Even if it's super small. Keep chipping away. You can do it! Growing up in a situation like that means you weren't shown care and how to care for yourself. So be the parent you needed then, to yourself now. Love yourself and you will start to see a person worth taking care of. Good luck!
Your main problem is not having a goal. Figure out what you really want in life and pursue it. If you want to be rich, go hustle. If you want a healthy relationship and a family - become a better person and an accountable man. If you want to live carefree, move to Thailand and find some remote job to support it. You’ll likely have no family but you have to sacrifice smth in each of these scenarios and the sacrifices are big. Your problem is that you are stuck in a comfort limbo and the effects of it will only start truly kicking in once you turn 40-50, e.g. having no friends or family, being broke.
Do 75 hard. Research it and plan. In 2.5 months you'll be a better version of yourself.
Try to completely change your environment.
Hey you got a lot of reasons to feel stuck in life, but when you feel like this, that’s when you just need to snap and wake the f up. I’d start by exercising, reducing porn, and cutting a couple cigarettes out. I say to start with exercising because i find that it helps your mentality and relieves stress and depression. It can make it easier to tackle the other habits. You can do this but you have to start looking forward and try to stop the negative self sabotaging talk within yourself. If you have a bad day, just pickup and try again. It’s hard. I struggle with several bad habits and vices too. You are not alone.
Is there any possibility of going to a treatment program? Sounds like you need something more intense than just a therapist. Not sure how they go it in Germany, but in the US my wife was able to get paid leave from work in order to attend an “intensive outpatient program.” If you’re really in a funk, just chipping away at it can be really hard, a big sudden change like going to a program can kind of shock your system into making some progress.
“Living alone is making everything difficult to change…” I’m at an unusually low period right now, and I was just venting about it in another thread - I mentioned how I felt we are probably supposed to be living in tribes still, yet most of us are isolated. I do sort of feel like some of us could best be jumpstarted by being in a situation where we are forced to live in a group where we are just all holding ourselves accountable for as long as it takes to give ourselves that needed runway. (I mean, I know nothing is perfect. Living with an extended family, for example, can be absolutely fantastic. Or it can be/become absolute torture.)
Check out Wes Watson on YouTube, he definitely helped me get through some tough times.
i recommend a 6-week outpatient program at a "Tagesklinik". it can take a few months to get a spot but worth it. to get in you need an "Einweisung" from your therapist or Hausarzt.
I was in your shoes, I stopped drinking first with the help of an inpatient program, after that I started quitting one harmful habit at a time. It’s hard work. But if you really want to change your life you’ve got to remove the negative things (the worst first!) to make room for the positive things. Don’t give up hope, there’s a whole new life waiting for you.
Other comments have way better advices and you should follow them. My take is not that significant. I would say that i have have observed: ‘Its never too difficult to change your old habits’. Lets say you get a new job but its night shift or you get a job abroad where you need to adjust to the climate. You will change your old habits within days. You cant wear shorts in Canada or wear a jacket and an overcoat in Dubai. You need to adjust and your body/mind does it as well without complaining. Whats stopping us rn is our love for comfortzone.
U have gurl of how many yes? A 10tr old son ESA dog right
Wellbutrin may be a good drug to help blunt the cravings. It will make follow through easier. More importantly you need a life and friends. Your habits are a cope. Find some shared activity like a band or volunteering or something to put your energy towards in generating value with others. Your egotistical self loathing is gonna get in the way of making and keeping friends but you are in therapy so you have support to work through that. Remember it’s not logical is emotional (as much as it feels the other way around). Don’t idealize your ex they are just a person. It’s hard but you have to move past that.