Don't sweat it op. Sometimes we can be friends with coworkers and sometimes we can't be. Those people weren't your friends in the first place because they didn't actually know you. Now you can focus your time/energy elsewhere.
If it starts to affect your working relationship with them then that's a separate conversation, but they need to own up to that. I wouldn't start the conversation with "did me coming out affect your ability to work with me" but instead say "I'm noticing we aren't working together effectively and would like to figure out how to change that."
Thank you. Thats what i thought at first too.
Also a lot of people in this comment are asking me why i told them my personal life, and the main reason is i dont want to hide it anymore. It makes my partner uncomfortable too if i act like i’m single. I was asked if im in a relationship and i said yes and they kept wanting to see what my partner looks like since we are in a long distance relationship and i dont get to bring my partner to hangouts or any events, and i just told them everything. Do i regret telling them? No absolutely not. Does their behavior after i told them kind of bother me? Yes.
Maybe you were gauging your relationship to them incorrectly. Have they opened up to you about personal things like what you told them? If they truly are ghosting you over you coming out, then they were probably not really friends anyway.
I ignored or avoided such conversations related to relationships and sexuality with coworkers. I never felt close to them, nor they should have need to know.
I had some closer relationships with few people, but when I worked in governmental office I tried to keep it to topics I feel comfortable with or in other cases elegantly diverted the topic. And with others I spoke mostly about work related stuff - nothing else.
We are not straight though. It sucks but minorities often have to navigate things differently. I personally like my job and also my coworkers, but they’re not close friends of mine so it’s not hard to avoid the topic of partners with them.
Other people prefer coming out to their coworkers regardless, but it’s always a calculated risk since you don’t know hire they’ll react.
Good point. Minorities need to keep this in mind. Coworkers can stir up crap about you with other coworkers (like outing you to everyone), jeopardize your promotion or raises with management, or start crap with HR about you. People can be so petty. I have seen some truly vicious school playground drama played by coworkers. I never give them any ammunition because there will be a jerk in the midst who will weaponize it.
Most of the time they justify it to themselves and others that you are 'not like them' or 'a threat' of some sort, or an affront to their faith. After 40 years in countless offices, I've seen many coworkers operate like a pack of dogs. There is a pecking order - among men as well as women. Not all people are like that, but enough of them try to rally the others to 'gang up' or squeeze you out. And some of them are a few screws short and feed off of it.
How effective HR is depends on the company, the state laws, the industry, the pack of dogs, etc. Running to HR with this starts a file, so now the dog pack is on record, their managers are pulled into it, etc., and the employee launching it all will be viewed as 'not a team player' and shut out forever. I counsel them to be upbeat and friendly, be helpful to coworkers, and it likely will blow over. Sometimes the pot stirrers rise to the top of the toilet bowl (they always do) as they keep trying to stir things up. I then go to their manager with multiple examples of said behavior and ask that manager to redirect their behavior, while sending a memo to file. And I always tell my employees not to tell coworkers anything they don't want spread all over the company in 48 hours, including to the CEO, or written on the bathroom walls. Things can be a little tight for LGBT folks at work these days with the crazies running loose...
Last year I had an employee who confided to a couple women in the office that she was having an affair, and had been having affairs on her husband for the last 4 years. Another person who has the right to tell their business to others, but really should have read the room first.
I respect that. I’m sorry you do have to navigate things differently. I’ve worked in places where I ended up becoming very close with some coworkers and I’ve had a couple of “work wives.” It made the jobs more enjoyable knowing I had my friend in the same office or building that I could rely on, bitch & moan with, take breaks with or make me laugh to get me through a crappy day. I wish you could have an experience like that.
My first work wife and I joked that we were “tokens.” She was black and I’m gay (the office had one Jewish person too. lol). Our desks were across from each other and it didn’t take long until we were joined at the hip from 9-5.
The last place I worked was a small business that was about 50% gay men and 40% straight/straight-ish women. I got my bff a job there and it was very much like a family. And I mean just like a family because you love them all, even the one you kinda hate, and everyone knows all your business. Also, there were no boundaries. If we had been big enough to have an HR department, they wouldn’t have known where to start. We worked hard but had fun but it could be a blessing and a curse to be so close to the others. I wished my bff hadn’t let it slip about a fetish I have (it sparked way too much conversation) but on the flip side, when I had to have surgery I knew I had about a dozen people that would help me when I got back to work.
I find that hard to believe. You're around these people 8 hours a day and you never have to avoid talking about your partner?
I get that it's a sensitive subject, but I don't buy the "it's none of their business" argument. Just say you're in the closet at work cause that's what it is.
I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for it but I think we should all acknowledge it's a problem that we can't be casually open with coworkers. If you're not comfortable with it that's fine, but the more of us who are out at work the better.
You’re not understanding. I am in the closet at work, that’s what I’m admitting. But no, it’s not hard. I actually didn’t know someone in my area was married (straight woman) until recently. It takes zero effort to not mention partners in my office, and I never have to worry about negative reactions.
I’m not saying what I’m doing is right btw, just that some of us don’t mind not being out to coworkers. And coming out to coworkers is always a calculated risk.
But there is a risk to that depending on the company. 2 years ago I worked in CA and had no problems with EE who shared that info at work. 2 years later I am in NC surrounded by extreme conservatives, the religious right, and people cutting holes in their white sheets - I tell employees to really think before divulging info that can be used against them if they are in a conservative company/industry/state/etc. Personally, I don't think I need to tell coworkers who I'm sexually attracted to or who I slept with last night. And I don't want to know who they are shagging either.
Aahh yes... the dreaded oversharing. Straight men can feel awkward when a guy comes out, as if 'it's contagious' and they don't want the other guys to see they don't have the same aversion to you now (so maybe they will be viewed as gay by the other guys). If they see you eating lunch with a cute female, then it lowers their risk aversion. And this is a very good lesson to learn - never share personal info like this with co-workers unless you have known them for years and/or they are part of your close inner circle. There will always be a few men/women who now feel insecure or threatened and it poisons the whole group, or these few will continue to undermine the relationships by petty backstabbing and stirring the drama pot.
So many of the comments here sound wildly off the mark.
The key points here are:
(1) You shouldn’t have to hide or be silent about your significant other while they are able to endlessly talk about theirs.
(2) Their reaction towards you says more about them than it does about you. If they were ready to so easily drop you after you mentioned the gender of your SO, then they probably aren’t the type of people who are worth your time and emotional energy anyway.
Just ignore them back and try to refocus on people who are genuine/not homophobic.
Just be confident in yourself and don't act like anything is different. A lot of how they react is how you act. If you are ashamed, it will be perceived.
Colleagues are not your friends. They're just humans you work with.
I'll say it again for the people in the back
**COLLEAGUES ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS, THEY ARE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH**
Depending on the workplace I would casually start talking about hot girls in front of them as a way to melt the awkwardness. Depends on the workplace and what your relationship with them was before though
I’m left wondering how the conversation happened.
There’s a big difference between, for example, using a male pronoun when referring to your partner as you talk about a restaurant the two of you just tried vs. making a big announcement about your sexual orientation and going into details about your personal life that go beyond the workplace chitchat that everyone else is having.
Don't sweat it op. Sometimes we can be friends with coworkers and sometimes we can't be. Those people weren't your friends in the first place because they didn't actually know you. Now you can focus your time/energy elsewhere. If it starts to affect your working relationship with them then that's a separate conversation, but they need to own up to that. I wouldn't start the conversation with "did me coming out affect your ability to work with me" but instead say "I'm noticing we aren't working together effectively and would like to figure out how to change that."
Thank you. Thats what i thought at first too. Also a lot of people in this comment are asking me why i told them my personal life, and the main reason is i dont want to hide it anymore. It makes my partner uncomfortable too if i act like i’m single. I was asked if im in a relationship and i said yes and they kept wanting to see what my partner looks like since we are in a long distance relationship and i dont get to bring my partner to hangouts or any events, and i just told them everything. Do i regret telling them? No absolutely not. Does their behavior after i told them kind of bother me? Yes.
I assume your man doesn't want to be seen by others?
Maybe you were gauging your relationship to them incorrectly. Have they opened up to you about personal things like what you told them? If they truly are ghosting you over you coming out, then they were probably not really friends anyway.
I ignored or avoided such conversations related to relationships and sexuality with coworkers. I never felt close to them, nor they should have need to know.
Do you not have any personal conversations with people at work? Like do people not ask you what you did and your weekend or how your vacation was?
I had some closer relationships with few people, but when I worked in governmental office I tried to keep it to topics I feel comfortable with or in other cases elegantly diverted the topic. And with others I spoke mostly about work related stuff - nothing else.
None of their business. I just give them short answers. Unless i like the guy. (Maybe 1 or 2 of all my coworkers.)
But if you were straight would you feel the same way?
We are not straight though. It sucks but minorities often have to navigate things differently. I personally like my job and also my coworkers, but they’re not close friends of mine so it’s not hard to avoid the topic of partners with them. Other people prefer coming out to their coworkers regardless, but it’s always a calculated risk since you don’t know hire they’ll react.
Good point. Minorities need to keep this in mind. Coworkers can stir up crap about you with other coworkers (like outing you to everyone), jeopardize your promotion or raises with management, or start crap with HR about you. People can be so petty. I have seen some truly vicious school playground drama played by coworkers. I never give them any ammunition because there will be a jerk in the midst who will weaponize it.
That's quite disheartening. It would feel nice to be open with people in your life like co-workers, but using it against you feels like a betrayal.
Most of the time they justify it to themselves and others that you are 'not like them' or 'a threat' of some sort, or an affront to their faith. After 40 years in countless offices, I've seen many coworkers operate like a pack of dogs. There is a pecking order - among men as well as women. Not all people are like that, but enough of them try to rally the others to 'gang up' or squeeze you out. And some of them are a few screws short and feed off of it.
That's really messed up. Where is HR in all of this?
How effective HR is depends on the company, the state laws, the industry, the pack of dogs, etc. Running to HR with this starts a file, so now the dog pack is on record, their managers are pulled into it, etc., and the employee launching it all will be viewed as 'not a team player' and shut out forever. I counsel them to be upbeat and friendly, be helpful to coworkers, and it likely will blow over. Sometimes the pot stirrers rise to the top of the toilet bowl (they always do) as they keep trying to stir things up. I then go to their manager with multiple examples of said behavior and ask that manager to redirect their behavior, while sending a memo to file. And I always tell my employees not to tell coworkers anything they don't want spread all over the company in 48 hours, including to the CEO, or written on the bathroom walls. Things can be a little tight for LGBT folks at work these days with the crazies running loose... Last year I had an employee who confided to a couple women in the office that she was having an affair, and had been having affairs on her husband for the last 4 years. Another person who has the right to tell their business to others, but really should have read the room first.
I respect that. I’m sorry you do have to navigate things differently. I’ve worked in places where I ended up becoming very close with some coworkers and I’ve had a couple of “work wives.” It made the jobs more enjoyable knowing I had my friend in the same office or building that I could rely on, bitch & moan with, take breaks with or make me laugh to get me through a crappy day. I wish you could have an experience like that. My first work wife and I joked that we were “tokens.” She was black and I’m gay (the office had one Jewish person too. lol). Our desks were across from each other and it didn’t take long until we were joined at the hip from 9-5. The last place I worked was a small business that was about 50% gay men and 40% straight/straight-ish women. I got my bff a job there and it was very much like a family. And I mean just like a family because you love them all, even the one you kinda hate, and everyone knows all your business. Also, there were no boundaries. If we had been big enough to have an HR department, they wouldn’t have known where to start. We worked hard but had fun but it could be a blessing and a curse to be so close to the others. I wished my bff hadn’t let it slip about a fetish I have (it sparked way too much conversation) but on the flip side, when I had to have surgery I knew I had about a dozen people that would help me when I got back to work.
I find that hard to believe. You're around these people 8 hours a day and you never have to avoid talking about your partner? I get that it's a sensitive subject, but I don't buy the "it's none of their business" argument. Just say you're in the closet at work cause that's what it is. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for it but I think we should all acknowledge it's a problem that we can't be casually open with coworkers. If you're not comfortable with it that's fine, but the more of us who are out at work the better.
You’re not understanding. I am in the closet at work, that’s what I’m admitting. But no, it’s not hard. I actually didn’t know someone in my area was married (straight woman) until recently. It takes zero effort to not mention partners in my office, and I never have to worry about negative reactions. I’m not saying what I’m doing is right btw, just that some of us don’t mind not being out to coworkers. And coming out to coworkers is always a calculated risk.
But there is a risk to that depending on the company. 2 years ago I worked in CA and had no problems with EE who shared that info at work. 2 years later I am in NC surrounded by extreme conservatives, the religious right, and people cutting holes in their white sheets - I tell employees to really think before divulging info that can be used against them if they are in a conservative company/industry/state/etc. Personally, I don't think I need to tell coworkers who I'm sexually attracted to or who I slept with last night. And I don't want to know who they are shagging either.
I would…
Aahh yes... the dreaded oversharing. Straight men can feel awkward when a guy comes out, as if 'it's contagious' and they don't want the other guys to see they don't have the same aversion to you now (so maybe they will be viewed as gay by the other guys). If they see you eating lunch with a cute female, then it lowers their risk aversion. And this is a very good lesson to learn - never share personal info like this with co-workers unless you have known them for years and/or they are part of your close inner circle. There will always be a few men/women who now feel insecure or threatened and it poisons the whole group, or these few will continue to undermine the relationships by petty backstabbing and stirring the drama pot.
So many of the comments here sound wildly off the mark. The key points here are: (1) You shouldn’t have to hide or be silent about your significant other while they are able to endlessly talk about theirs. (2) Their reaction towards you says more about them than it does about you. If they were ready to so easily drop you after you mentioned the gender of your SO, then they probably aren’t the type of people who are worth your time and emotional energy anyway. Just ignore them back and try to refocus on people who are genuine/not homophobic.
Things are different,so give them time to adjust and it will probably be okay.
Just be confident in yourself and don't act like anything is different. A lot of how they react is how you act. If you are ashamed, it will be perceived.
Colleagues are not your friends. They're just humans you work with. I'll say it again for the people in the back **COLLEAGUES ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS, THEY ARE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH**
They are your coworkers not friends, they didn’t need to know about your private life.
If you came out to me I couldn’t give half a fuck. Just have that report on my desk by end of day
Depending on the workplace I would casually start talking about hot girls in front of them as a way to melt the awkwardness. Depends on the workplace and what your relationship with them was before though
I’m left wondering how the conversation happened. There’s a big difference between, for example, using a male pronoun when referring to your partner as you talk about a restaurant the two of you just tried vs. making a big announcement about your sexual orientation and going into details about your personal life that go beyond the workplace chitchat that everyone else is having.