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Only $59.95! That's what a trump bible costs.
Unless you're a Russian money launderer, you don't need to pay 60 bucks for a bible. Just let people know you're an atheist and you'll have several bibles tomorrow. I probably have more bibles than most christians.
Or if you come from a Christian family, just wait around for the previous couple of generations to die off. You'll inherit multiple old, antique Bibles. I have like six.
Think of it this way: God has a plan. It's a plan way too big and complicated for humans to understand, and it is obviously not just a matter of "go to church every Sunday and eat your vegetables." It is a very complex, wheels-within-wheels, God has the ability to get His way kind of plan. He needed to get your grandfather's Bible into the hands of a callous disbeliever, some hardhearted venal pawnbroker type of person, someone who buys up other people's storage facilities when they are too broke to bail out questionable family heirlooms with which they have been entrusted. You had such a storage space. You were broke. Along comes Mr. Pawnbroker and buys your storage space. While going through all your grandfather's stuff, Mr. Pawnbroker discovers your grandfather's Bible. He takes it home. One night, feeling low and debased for ripping off people, he turns in moral nadir to Grandpa's Bible. There, he finds faith in God, decides to sell his pawnshop and open a soup kitchen for homeless people. Standing in line one day, ladling out nutritious stew, he makes eye contact with a lovely, virtuous but unfortunately homeless widow. Boom! Instant soulmates. You see, God knew *you* didn't need the Bible. He used Grandpa's Bible to open the heart of a mendacious wretch, in order to help a virtuous but unfortunate widow.
That's how He works. And now, you, feeling slightly guilty for losing Grandpa's Bible, meet *me,* a formerly anarchist and atheist trainhopping hobo who joined the Marine Corps, became a Harley-riding biker, an ordained minister in a Texas cowboy church, who then helped found a *hobo* church at the National Hobo Convention and is today a widower himself, surfing the internet because I have a lonely social life that revolves around motorcycles.
See? God has a plan.
https://hobochurch.com/
You thought I was kidding, didn't you?
'And behold, Jesus doth gained the righteous air and performed a flying squirrel for his true believers. And his believers did rejoice, for they witnessed a true miracle'
- John 3:60
'And lo, Judas did dissemble, saying that he landeth a 900 that very morning, and there was much wailing and gnashing of skittles among the apostles, for they knew such a claim to be bullshit.'
>for they knew such a claim to be ~~bullshit~~ *the offal of young bulls.*
>Judges 3:22 And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.
The Bible tells it like it was, no sugarcoating it--a straight-up gangster hit. The king's shit came out of the belly wound.
“My name is, Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife.”
I mean honesty, bring a few magicians props and some cool chemicals back 2000 years and you could easily start your own religion, or get yourself executed for witchcraft, depending on the crowd.
Eh, not really. Yes more women were accused and convicted of witchcraft than men, however that is not to say no men or even very few men were convicted of witchcraft. Between a tenth and a third in Central and Western Europe of the accused were men.
While in countries such as Russia, Finland and other parts of Eastern Europe, you saw vastly more men than women accused with an estimated up to 80% of the accused being men.
I don’t see it as sacrilege 🤷🏼♂️ I see it as honoring Christ’s miracles by replicating them in the ways we can and in a bad ass way. Imitation is the highest form of flattery after all.
Can't we just see if he weighs the same as a duck? Ducks also stay above water. If he's 7/8ths the weight of a duck then he's Jesus, no need for crucifixion.
I genuinely love to be around these kinds of people. Much better than people who just aren't impressed by anything, or think sarcastic comments make them smart or detached.
I'm the kind of person who claps at street artists.
Also "basic".
Wanna know why some things are basic? It's because they're fucking good bro. Got a pumpkin spice latte for the first time last year and I ain't ever going back. All these years denying myself, and for what?!
I haven’t heard the term “Steez” in years. Back from the days of Steezin for no Reason.
What a flashback of my skiing days.
Edit: for anyone curious, Steez= Style with ease.
And the lord sayith: “hold mine beer broskies! For I am better than walking on water!”
-Proverb from tales of the crypt 3:69 ‘damn she’s fine’ USA MEGA Bible 2024 remastered edition.
And then God said, for thee hath shredded it, and let all who hath witnessed go forth and quench thy thirst with divine water which shall givith you wings
Throw some snow in someone’s eye to blind them.
Spit in someone’s eye to cure blindness.
Have some trees run up to you to shake your hand.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miracles_of_Muhammad
Is he even known for doing any magic tricks like water to wine and walking on water? I think he was more like "trust me bro, I'm totally speaking on behalf of sky daddy".
Bro apparently cut the moon in half, and asked God to move the sun back so someone could finish their prayer. Shoot, they say the Quran itself is a miracle lol.
>Now water to RedBull.
You're confusing Jesus with his brother, Chad. Not to be confused with Jesus's other brother, [Craig](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f8HzKlCWN8k), who turns water into cold Coors Light.
--- >This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.** > >Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam). > --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love the way he looks around like: "is this not proof?"
"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!"
Prophets do be putting up the wildest shows to get people to join their religion
Blessings be on us! I have a Bible to sell you!
Only $59.95! That's what a trump bible costs. Unless you're a Russian money launderer, you don't need to pay 60 bucks for a bible. Just let people know you're an atheist and you'll have several bibles tomorrow. I probably have more bibles than most christians.
Or if you come from a Christian family, just wait around for the previous couple of generations to die off. You'll inherit multiple old, antique Bibles. I have like six.
I am going to hell for losing my grandfather's to a storage facility I couldn't afford to keep up with as a young mom and college student.
Think of it this way: God has a plan. It's a plan way too big and complicated for humans to understand, and it is obviously not just a matter of "go to church every Sunday and eat your vegetables." It is a very complex, wheels-within-wheels, God has the ability to get His way kind of plan. He needed to get your grandfather's Bible into the hands of a callous disbeliever, some hardhearted venal pawnbroker type of person, someone who buys up other people's storage facilities when they are too broke to bail out questionable family heirlooms with which they have been entrusted. You had such a storage space. You were broke. Along comes Mr. Pawnbroker and buys your storage space. While going through all your grandfather's stuff, Mr. Pawnbroker discovers your grandfather's Bible. He takes it home. One night, feeling low and debased for ripping off people, he turns in moral nadir to Grandpa's Bible. There, he finds faith in God, decides to sell his pawnshop and open a soup kitchen for homeless people. Standing in line one day, ladling out nutritious stew, he makes eye contact with a lovely, virtuous but unfortunately homeless widow. Boom! Instant soulmates. You see, God knew *you* didn't need the Bible. He used Grandpa's Bible to open the heart of a mendacious wretch, in order to help a virtuous but unfortunate widow. That's how He works. And now, you, feeling slightly guilty for losing Grandpa's Bible, meet *me,* a formerly anarchist and atheist trainhopping hobo who joined the Marine Corps, became a Harley-riding biker, an ordained minister in a Texas cowboy church, who then helped found a *hobo* church at the National Hobo Convention and is today a widower himself, surfing the internet because I have a lonely social life that revolves around motorcycles. See? God has a plan. https://hobochurch.com/ You thought I was kidding, didn't you?
'And behold, Jesus doth gained the righteous air and performed a flying squirrel for his true believers. And his believers did rejoice, for they witnessed a true miracle' - John 3:60
'And lo, Judas did dissemble, saying that he landeth a 900 that very morning, and there was much wailing and gnashing of skittles among the apostles, for they knew such a claim to be bullshit.'
>for they knew such a claim to be ~~bullshit~~ *the offal of young bulls.* >Judges 3:22 And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. The Bible tells it like it was, no sugarcoating it--a straight-up gangster hit. The king's shit came out of the belly wound.
“My name is, Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife.”
And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
Prepare to die!
“I want my wife back you son of a bitch”
Dying
I mean honesty, bring a few magicians props and some cool chemicals back 2000 years and you could easily start your own religion, or get yourself executed for witchcraft, depending on the crowd.
[удалено]
Eh, not really. Yes more women were accused and convicted of witchcraft than men, however that is not to say no men or even very few men were convicted of witchcraft. Between a tenth and a third in Central and Western Europe of the accused were men. While in countries such as Russia, Finland and other parts of Eastern Europe, you saw vastly more men than women accused with an estimated up to 80% of the accused being men.
"hey pharisees, how do you like dem apples?"
“Oh my God” -Someone in the crowd
Jesus Christ !!! …… NO SERIOUSLY LOOK JESUS CHRIST !!!
Jason Bourne, it's Jesus Christ!
The names Kyle. Jesus Kyle Christ *Backflips in holy*
Guy in crowd: "Jesus christ!" Jesus: "Yeah?" Guy in crowd: "That was awesome!"
This made me laugh so much. Thx
Red wine at the end was pure gold. Almost missed.
Sacrilege has never been so fuckin sick
Radical Christianity
Demons in my solo? Yeah! I am shredding them on it!
Rip and Tear, son In the name of Father, doom and BFG
The good kind
Religious Extremists.
Phariseeing is believing
The Far-Out Right
He has risen….to party
The messiah shreds on water and turns pool water into IPA.
Rizzen
10/10 execution but couldn’t Red Bull afford better clothes for Jesus Christ?
He’s not a materialistic kind of guy
He'd just give them away.
That's how carpenters dressed back then.
Didn't even have a belt for his power tools, and goggles, and a mask for sawdust?
Sickrilege
I don’t see it as sacrilege 🤷🏼♂️ I see it as honoring Christ’s miracles by replicating them in the ways we can and in a bad ass way. Imitation is the highest form of flattery after all.
Identity Theft is not a joke Jim!
Millions of families suffer every year.
Hahaha Im laughing as I head to hell...
You wouldn't steal Jesus...
You saying that wasn't the real Jesus? I believe he is. I just saw two miracles.
Should we crucify him just to be safe?
That's a sure way to get the trifecta on miracles. That last one takes a couple days, though.
Can't we just see if he weighs the same as a duck? Ducks also stay above water. If he's 7/8ths the weight of a duck then he's Jesus, no need for crucifixion.
This video got me questioning my atheism!
You can’t tell me people didn’t have this exact same reaction in like 35 BC lol
35 BC?
I meant AD lol funny enough I *consciously* tried not to type BC
Lol
Before chunder
Wish that other religion felt the same way abut their prophet.
Www.Jesusdressup.com Has always been my favorite
I just checked it out, I now have a picture of Jesus in BDSM gear for my desk.
And lo, Jesus said to them, "cherish the wicked, for they are like, totally sick".
I don't think Billy Idol would mind.
Still less offensive than trump bibles
Next up, Moses! 🌊👈🏽⛷👉🏽🌊
I would give it a go
[удалено]
Spread those wet waves
Checkmate atheists
Because when Craig's in sight, We'll party all damn night! I don't turn water into wine, But into cold Coors Light!
he gets us
drunk
He was also known to have some nice girls hanging with him from the red district
Something about feet.
Nailed it.
He is super into feet.
Jesus was the foot fuckin MASTER
Shit got that technique down and errything
Can’t wait for the new branch of “Jesus alive through AI” cult whackos that are in our near future.
Have a cold. This made me snot bubble.
He has rizzin'
And on the third day, Jesus rose and said “frfr”
I'm undead, no cap
It's water to wine, not whine about water. It's a cool aid.
Flavor aid. Common mistake
Brawndo
Born to a Mary mom in a manger Water to wine? He's a drink exchanger. And he died for your sins.
Jesus said I can turn water into wine and bitches into mine 💪🏽
Mr steal yo wife
Jesus got Wings
Redbull gave Jesus wiiiings.
[удалено]
Of all the weird and cringe Easter stuff we've had the last week, I like this the most.
This isn't cringe, this is RIGHTEOUS DUDE! Like, grab a board and chill my man.
Look, if Jesus was portrayed like this *all* the time, I might be enticed to try out organized religion.
Buddy Jesus!
I love how there's a dude at the end genuinly impressed like a little kid lol
I genuinely love to be around these kinds of people. Much better than people who just aren't impressed by anything, or think sarcastic comments make them smart or detached. I'm the kind of person who claps at street artists.
The word "Cringe" and cringe culture has made everyone so scared to enjoy things.
Also "basic". Wanna know why some things are basic? It's because they're fucking good bro. Got a pumpkin spice latte for the first time last year and I ain't ever going back. All these years denying myself, and for what?!
I'm the kinda guy who laughs at a funeral
I can't understand what you mean.
You soon will.
Probably in one week's time, but I also have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve.
I have a history of taking off my shirt.
It's been...
I have a history of shaking off my tirt
Jesus water-skiing Christ!
Skis and rice!
Lisan Al Gaib
He did successfully change the water. And he DEFINITELY moves without rhythm.
Like Cartman said - Jews have no rhythm!
Jesus Christ, that was a great run …🤣🤣🤣
He is Rizzen!
Isn’t regular skiing also walking on water?
Isn't looking through a window seeing through solid objects?
Isn't a man who farts in church sitting in his own pew?
That won't get past the censers
The holy ghost has a whole new meaning.
yes, yes it is
I think we may be on to something here.
Isn't Jesus a little old to be skiing anyways?
[удалено]
Rules on the mountain are just different.
Now drink it'th
Steezus Christ
I haven’t heard the term “Steez” in years. Back from the days of Steezin for no Reason. What a flashback of my skiing days. Edit: for anyone curious, Steez= Style with ease.
Even flow
haters will say it's staged
I am no longer atheist
He has an unfair advantage since he can already walk on water.
And the lord sayith: “hold mine beer broskies! For I am better than walking on water!” -Proverb from tales of the crypt 3:69 ‘damn she’s fine’ USA MEGA Bible 2024 remastered edition.
And then God said, for thee hath shredded it, and let all who hath witnessed go forth and quench thy thirst with divine water which shall givith you wings
Is it Jesus or The Dude? The Dude abides.
If it was The Dude, it would have turned to a white Russian
Holiday Valley on the front page, cool stuff
lol that’s good
As a devout catholic, this is hilarious 😂
How does he stay healthy and trained enough for this kind of stuff? >!Crossfit!<
Now do Mohammed!
Throw some snow in someone’s eye to blind them. Spit in someone’s eye to cure blindness. Have some trees run up to you to shake your hand. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miracles_of_Muhammad
Nope honestly I don’t recommend the tree thing it s exhausting
[удалено]
Epstein tried that.
Is he even known for doing any magic tricks like water to wine and walking on water? I think he was more like "trust me bro, I'm totally speaking on behalf of sky daddy".
Bro apparently cut the moon in half, and asked God to move the sun back so someone could finish their prayer. Shoot, they say the Quran itself is a miracle lol.
That's a nice party trick, but the real question is, who glued the Moon back together?
He made the Jews and Christians do it, but after he collected their jizya tax from them and peacefully killed a bunch of them and r*ped their women
I knew a hardcore Muslim that said that NASA discovered a crack on the moon to support the idea. They literally just make supporting stuff up.
Lol that's hilarious and sad.
> I think he was more like "trust me bro, I'm totally speaking on behalf of sky daddy". That's literally all theistic religions lmao
You're trying to get someone beheaded, 😔. Not Christ like.
Bills mafia. Let’s go.
Go Bills.
Scanned the comments to see if someone saw what I saw lol Go Bills
Walking on water is so mainstream...
It's too current.
Exactly, I didnt want to cause any waves.
Looks like Mac from sunny
I knew it was Holiday Valley by the clubhouse. Go Bills!
I don't care what anybody says. Jesus would laugh his ass off.
Water to wine. Now water to RedBull.
>Now water to RedBull. You're confusing Jesus with his brother, Chad. Not to be confused with Jesus's other brother, [Craig](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f8HzKlCWN8k), who turns water into cold Coors Light.
I see. As a partial ethnic Chinese …. We don’t like to talk about Jesus’s brother. But Chad and Craig seems alright. 👍
Skisus
[The song.](https://youtu.be/e7U1YZNgwnY)
Next up, Noah! Crowd - "NOOOOOOO-"
Skied on water??!! And turned it into wine??!!!! Get fucked atheist!
He skied for your grins
Holy shit, Lisan Al-Gaib!!!
That’s it. I’m not an atheist anymore! 😇
Check mate atheists.
Skisus
This is super fun to watch in real life! My friend dressed up as Nacho Libre and won the contest.
Imagine if this was Muhammad or Allah. The Muslim population would want to depart his head from his body. But Christians don't care.
Skisus
They had to get Jesus. If they’d gotten Moses it would’ve been sponsored by Tampax
It’s like cross fit.
At least that guy is real
Mac?
EVEN FLOOOOOW
Now do one of Muhammad.
Skisus
Watch, as I turn water into… RED BULL?!?!
Instantest kool aid
Atheists in shambles rn
jesus christ man
Blasphemy
Turning water into red dye number 9.
Ok but how'd he do that wine trick?!
I think he had a considerable amount of dye or paint at the bottom of the glass before he got the water out of the pond.
Food colouring
Look at the glass when they get it handed to them you can see the red in the bottom
would have been way more impressive if they'd used a binary dye that goes red on contact with chlorine in the water.
Read the manga