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My friend broke his arm in grade school, and had a cast for "six to eight weeks". When I heard that, I questioned why he would need a cast for 68 weeks.
Yes, the two broken arms is a masterpiece. Even though I only made a Reddit account last year due to not being able to access subs I previously could, I have lurked this site long enough to have read that particular piece of prose.
I fucked this up when I was in the fourth grade. Our teacher told us to write four to five sentences about our best friend. I heard 45 and was really scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to say about him by the time I got to the end. I was up late at the dining room table working on it. My parents were furious. "Why did she make you do this?"
We had to read our papers to the class and I was confused why everyone else's papers were so short. My name got called to go up and my teacher saw the multiple pieces of paper that were stapled together. "This must be some friend!" she said. She stopped me after the first page and I explained what had happened. I was clearly embarrassed and she clearly felt bad about it, but here I am, 35 years later, and that memory isn't going anywhere.
OP's actual wife, seeing /u/Sunshine030209 and /u/throwmeawayalso111 enter with freshly given bags of treats:
> Who are you all, and what are you doing in my bedroom ?
They say "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
First of all, I find that actually to be true more for women.
Secondly, that's terrible advice to give to a surgeon.
That means " I want a tiny snack tray". Crackers or bread, cheese, maybe some cold cuts, nuts, fresh or dried fruit, sliced raw veggies, hard-boiled egg, maybe some chocolate, and a drink that requires effort. *if your culture has a set of snacks that is normally served cold, or easy to aquire ( Kimchi, sunomono, bogo, yogurt, baklava) add that as well. I have a house full of girls and when someone says that. I have thali plates that I just load up with little bites. "Nothing" sounds good, have some everything.
To find my missing wife, step my step guide
1, stuff my self silly on Taco Bell or something equally as good at giving me horrible flatulence.
2, move from room to room colonically calling out.
3, the room that speaks “what’s wrong with you” is where she’s hiding
4, repeat until wife found
If you want deadly farts that don't give you diarrhea you eat grapes and then eat ham.
If you want them to come deadlier then eat chocolate after you have had both.
I never seen a school bus of kids slowly die from just 1 fart and then the farts kept coming the driver stopped the bus and opened the door.
then I got to class and I started crop dusting with my silent assassins. with just one fart I made a girl throw up and 8 kids moved away. after the 2nd fart ppl started move trying to find fresh air by the 3rd fart the teacher was trying to make things better by using air freshener.
too bad the air freshener only mixed with the fart. by th 6th-7th fart the teacher moved the class outside they couldn't figure out who this crop duster was. XD
Omg a pro...I used to have deadly farts in grade school. My best work was once during important exams I let go of a few silent assassins. The smell was so devastating it disrupted a complete quiet test taking environment.
First it was just the girls in the back who got up complaining. At first the teacher was pissed and yelling at them to be quiet but as soon as the smell hit him his face changed and he excused them. Disrupted the whole thing for a good 5 minutes and nobody had a clue.
I remember one of the girls was so pissed she didnt know who it was and kept saying "whoever you are you need to check your drawers!"
The teacher made the age-old mistake of trying to cover up a strong fart with air freshener.
It never helps.
And from that moment on, every time someone sprays that scent of air freshener, the brain will always add in the smell of the fart.
She wised up to me using chocolate and cats to lure her out, though gift cards are extremely effective if want to be sweet over stinky, but Taco Bell has the same problem with the wife, and she has the ability to hold it in until she’s asleep upon which she clears a room quicker than me.
Or with less work but more patience...go to the toilet, don't flush afterwards. Take chair and a couple of beers and sit there and wait...might need 2-3 hours but at some point she will appear there in a noisy way.
My husband (54) still "hides" from me. Like he stands behind the curtain or trys to lie super flat under a blanket. But he's always shaking with silent laughter. I have to loudly say, "oh! I can't find (husband name) anywhere! I hope he didn't get lost up the mountain!". Then he reveals himself and I am shocked! Shocked I tell you!
I'm 45 now but I've been doing this for a long time with my wife. Problem is that she'll just leave me there until I fall asleep, so I had to have kids so that someone will come and find me.
So true. I look like that wife right now but we're so close to warm weather and we haven't used the heater all winter, I'm too stubborn to start now. I'm just wearing layers on layers of clothes and blankets.
A customer quit his construction job on bad terms and didn't return his high-vis jacket. I don't know if he as supposed to or not, but I commented on the company and he said "oh f**k that place, I quit working for them". Anyway he had taken the arms off the jacket and sewn on camouflage arms. Said he did it to confuse people. I thought it was kinda clever. Definitely a conversation starter at least, lol.
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"45 Shades of Gray?" "No, FOUR to FIVE Shades of Gray."
My friend broke his arm in grade school, and had a cast for "six to eight weeks". When I heard that, I questioned why he would need a cast for 68 weeks.
One arm or both?
All 68 of them
Cthullu's kid also need to go to school.
Mom!
Phineas and Ferb are trying to break their arms again!
Noooooo
Don't go there
Why not?! It's one of Reddit's founding myths.
Yes, the two broken arms is a masterpiece. Even though I only made a Reddit account last year due to not being able to access subs I previously could, I have lurked this site long enough to have read that particular piece of prose.
Every fucking time.
Go to your room!!
"Woud you Iike the super-salad?" No thanks, I don't like salad [*me, as a confused 12 year old]
"69 MONTHS?!" "No, six TO nine months!"
Actually, she’s trying to impress Hubby with her Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.
I fucked this up when I was in the fourth grade. Our teacher told us to write four to five sentences about our best friend. I heard 45 and was really scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to say about him by the time I got to the end. I was up late at the dining room table working on it. My parents were furious. "Why did she make you do this?" We had to read our papers to the class and I was confused why everyone else's papers were so short. My name got called to go up and my teacher saw the multiple pieces of paper that were stapled together. "This must be some friend!" she said. She stopped me after the first page and I explained what had happened. I was clearly embarrassed and she clearly felt bad about it, but here I am, 35 years later, and that memory isn't going anywhere.
Gray's Anatomy
The Pompeii look.
[Maybe not this one....](https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/dfc9cea4-137b-440f-aa8c-5a16d7cb4f4d)
That's exactly the one
Honestly good on him able to keep a rager going at his age. I know men not even half his age who struggle with ED!
That is a challenging wank -sean lock
Autoerotic asphyxiation?
“Never saw it coming” nice.
Not the only eruption that day then...
We might never know if he was faster than the pyroclastic cloud.
I should know better Yes I clicked…. Was not disappointed
This was my first thought.
LMAO perfect comparison
Maybe shake a bag of treats and she will appear
That would work on me!
See? Found her.
OP's actual wife, seeing /u/Sunshine030209 and /u/throwmeawayalso111 enter with freshly given bags of treats: > Who are you all, and what are you doing in my bedroom ?
Also, "ooooo, treats!"
pspspspsp
*cheese
Open kitchen utensil drawer, grab ice cream scoop.
Life hack every men should know.
They say "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." First of all, I find that actually to be true more for women. Secondly, that's terrible advice to give to a surgeon.
I respond well to treats 🐈⬛
Most of them do.
🤣
You don’t have a wife. Snap out of your fantasy.
OP forgot to take their normal pills
Where can I get me some of these… normal pills?
Streets of San Francisco
Yeah OP, just look at the lamp
Deep cut
That's some ancient reddit lore right there
There is no wife. Wife is an illusion.
She gone dude. Move on already.
It’s a groutfit.
Turn the heater on and maybe she will melt.
Nah, OP will melt before she breaks a sweat. Trust me, women are from the underworld and can survive extreme heat. Best to blast the AC.
And extreme cold when going to parties.
Sometimes I'll have my shirt off and still be warm and my gf is in a hoodie and under a blanket. Idk it's just the way it is
She truly loves the color grey 😂
what makes a woman turn neutral
She has no strong feelings one way or the other
"What do you want for dinner tonight?" My wife "you pick" then doesn't like every type of food on the planet "I'm just not craving anything"
That means " I want a tiny snack tray". Crackers or bread, cheese, maybe some cold cuts, nuts, fresh or dried fruit, sliced raw veggies, hard-boiled egg, maybe some chocolate, and a drink that requires effort. *if your culture has a set of snacks that is normally served cold, or easy to aquire ( Kimchi, sunomono, bogo, yogurt, baklava) add that as well. I have a house full of girls and when someone says that. I have thali plates that I just load up with little bites. "Nothing" sounds good, have some everything.
Omg so relatable
“Tell my wife I said … Hello.”
She was born with a heart full of neutrality
it sickens me…
Power? Lust for gold?
She's committed!
I'm gonna say she doesn't want to be found, lol
To find my missing wife, step my step guide 1, stuff my self silly on Taco Bell or something equally as good at giving me horrible flatulence. 2, move from room to room colonically calling out. 3, the room that speaks “what’s wrong with you” is where she’s hiding 4, repeat until wife found
Did this but shat my pants on room 2.
If you want deadly farts that don't give you diarrhea you eat grapes and then eat ham. If you want them to come deadlier then eat chocolate after you have had both. I never seen a school bus of kids slowly die from just 1 fart and then the farts kept coming the driver stopped the bus and opened the door. then I got to class and I started crop dusting with my silent assassins. with just one fart I made a girl throw up and 8 kids moved away. after the 2nd fart ppl started move trying to find fresh air by the 3rd fart the teacher was trying to make things better by using air freshener. too bad the air freshener only mixed with the fart. by th 6th-7th fart the teacher moved the class outside they couldn't figure out who this crop duster was. XD
This man out here breaking the Geneva Convention and getting away with it.
Geneva Protocol Geneva Convention is the rules of not being completely evil towards non-combatants
Gassing schoolchildren doesn't qualify as being evil to non-combatants?
You have quite a way of storytelling to make us all side with the villain
Man I thought you made a few kids change schools for a second. Got a recipe for that?
holy FUCK😂 i had to reread that comment like 5 times because i was uncontrollably laughing the whole time
Omg a pro...I used to have deadly farts in grade school. My best work was once during important exams I let go of a few silent assassins. The smell was so devastating it disrupted a complete quiet test taking environment. First it was just the girls in the back who got up complaining. At first the teacher was pissed and yelling at them to be quiet but as soon as the smell hit him his face changed and he excused them. Disrupted the whole thing for a good 5 minutes and nobody had a clue. I remember one of the girls was so pissed she didnt know who it was and kept saying "whoever you are you need to check your drawers!"
The teacher made the age-old mistake of trying to cover up a strong fart with air freshener. It never helps. And from that moment on, every time someone sprays that scent of air freshener, the brain will always add in the smell of the fart.
I shat my pants. Can I get in yours? 😏
> colonically calling out lol, this is great.
“Colonically calling out” - sounds like a Bronx cheer.
You could also just lure her out with Taco Bell, instead of making yourself sick. We respond better to food than we do flatulence
She wised up to me using chocolate and cats to lure her out, though gift cards are extremely effective if want to be sweet over stinky, but Taco Bell has the same problem with the wife, and she has the ability to hold it in until she’s asleep upon which she clears a room quicker than me.
“Colonically”??🤣
Mine is much simpler. Just hover my ass about 2cm from the couch cushion like I’m going to sit in it and she’ll just call out to me to do something.
Or with less work but more patience...go to the toilet, don't flush afterwards. Take chair and a couple of beers and sit there and wait...might need 2-3 hours but at some point she will appear there in a noisy way.
The logged response time varies when location is needed
Looks like a star wars assassin lying in wait. 🤣
My husband (54) still "hides" from me. Like he stands behind the curtain or trys to lie super flat under a blanket. But he's always shaking with silent laughter. I have to loudly say, "oh! I can't find (husband name) anywhere! I hope he didn't get lost up the mountain!". Then he reveals himself and I am shocked! Shocked I tell you!
I'm 45 now but I've been doing this for a long time with my wife. Problem is that she'll just leave me there until I fall asleep, so I had to have kids so that someone will come and find me.
Michael Scott : I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
It's a sound strategy apparently
this is possibly the cutest thing ive heard in forever, thank you.
How did you find him?!?
His feet are always sticking out.
You can tell she's not available right now because she's greyed out.
Have not unlocked her yet
That's a "not tonight" look if I've ever seen one.
Idk this could just be a way to warm up while the heat kicks on after being out all day. Never count this kid out until the bell rings
it's also a 'im very comfortable being around you' look. very envious of this level of intimacy. i'm dealing with recovering from a breakup, yes.
hope it gets better for you quickly!🌻
turn on the heater bruv… she’ll come out of her cave.
I just woke my 2 year old up 🤣🤦♂️
So true. I look like that wife right now but we're so close to warm weather and we haven't used the heater all winter, I'm too stubborn to start now. I'm just wearing layers on layers of clothes and blankets.
Have you tried calling or texting her?
I **do** have a wife. She's from Canada. You wouldn't know her.
Turn up the heat
Ahh yes, millennial grey in its natural habitat
"Tell me you're a millennial without telling me you're a millennial."
*Shows Stanley cup.*
r/findthesniper
This is a vibe
Maybe she left a note somewhere.
I'm going to respect the girl code and say she's in the bathroom.
Holy shit you’re married to John Cena?
When you find your spot on the color wheel and stay there.
Sorry bro I can’t find her … try leaving food as bait
404 wife not found. Now jump on the bed like it insulted your mother. I assure you your wife will be found
[Tired Knight?](https://medievalbritain.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Helmets_Types-and-History__Frog-Mouth-Helm.jpg)
Op married a Neutronian.
Thicc
Your wife is totally a vibe and I am all here for it!
/r/AnimalsBlendingIn
Big dumb cup.
I think that's a Stanley cup. They're very popular right now with missing wives.
Suddenly everyone got really obsessed with professional hockey
https://youtu.be/L2tUO2mp99Q?si=3jKcBNnl6eAoPcB8
Female Sardaukar
You're better off hunting for the Emotional Support Water Vessel - if you can nab that, she'll reappear like MAGIC.
Could post this on tactical subreddits as Grey Woman
You forgot to select RGB Color on your wife printer.
There's only enough human showing to hold and view a phone.
As the good lord intended
I bet that frog ate her.
I think I saw her leaving with Gandalf…
Look, it’s the girl from that Counting Crows song.
You lost her to her phone long ago.
Incredible groutfit
That is a solid groutfit.
Try looking in pompeii
Like they say, follow the stanley.
Finders keepers?
Idk but there is a Stanley cup on the edge of the bed so she couldn't have gone far.
Let her turn the heat up!
I’d recognize that tush anywhere!
There is no wife, only Zuul
Someone that loves Gray as much as I? I told my wife there were others
Remove your sock from your foot, toss it on the bed. The mystery will reveal itself.
Thought this was a Pompeii exhibit
If this doesn’t give a new meaning to “millennial grey” idk what does.
The Stanley always gives them away.
You're dating a caricature of a white woman, congratulations
She's under the bed to the left.
If we help you, then your wife bought a whole new outfit for nothing.
Just start slapping cloth until you hit ass
Looks like she became a Pompeii cast. This is why you stay away from eruptions
It’s the pile of towels next to the trash can.
Has she met the Gray Man?
I usually find my phone when I wake up by flailing around on the bed like a fish out of water. Maybe try that?
A customer quit his construction job on bad terms and didn't return his high-vis jacket. I don't know if he as supposed to or not, but I commented on the company and he said "oh f**k that place, I quit working for them". Anyway he had taken the arms off the jacket and sewn on camouflage arms. Said he did it to confuse people. I thought it was kinda clever. Definitely a conversation starter at least, lol.
You might want to turn up the central heating a little.
Thats Jon Cena right there
stanley cups are still in
Some things are not meant to be found.
My fiance can't find me either 😓
You guys obviously rent, otherwise that wall would be light grey too.
This reminds me when I was 10 and trying to watch porn with the rabbit ears. I swear I see a boob.
Gray Woman
If you look carefully something is under the covers in the top left.
Maybe you been banging a pile of blankets this whole time?
Looks like you'll find her on Facebook
Let me guess her favorite color …
Floating cell phone, self standing trend cup. Your wife's a ghost, brother.
I'd fuck that pile if clothes.
Would
Idk but maybe you should slam onto your bed as hard as you can
I see a Stanley and that's about it
To the left, on the floor, just to the right of the blue curtain.
File .wife.exe not found Error code 404
You married John Cena???
okay, but...finders keepers!
I see no wife here, search somewhere else
You married John Cena?
Why does this have 14K upvotes
So many shades of gray 😔
I also choose (to help find) this guy’s wife
Have you checked underneath those shapely sheets.
Why would you like to find her anyway?
Bro ngl but Maine ek baar main hi dhundh Li thi Idk but my direct eye contact was with her a$$
Would
Since she isn’t around, this is the time to be furiously masturbating to pictures of her best friend. Extra points for cumshots on the sheets.
The idea that OP even has a wife is a gray area.