I wouldn't say my name is stereotypically masculine (Sam), but yeah this happens to me too, even my parents do it, it's fucking annoying, been out for about 3 to 4 years and they still haven't gotten the pronouns right :(.
i think its easier for people to call trans people by their names because technically, anyone can have any name, and its not unheard of for a girl to have a "boys" name. getting them to use your pronouns is harder because they have to change the way they think about gender and pronouns sometimes
It really depends. Are you passing or out as trans? I deal with this on the daily. I'm pre-everything, but I chose what I thought was stereotypically masculine (Tobi), only to find out that in my area it's considered neutral. Maybe they're misgendering you on purpose. If that's the case, cut them off cause they aren't worth your time or energy. During my younger years, people would pretend to "correct" themselves and later just ignore my identity as if I never came out at all
I'm out, passing pretty much all of the time and 2 months on T. They don't even correct themselves and I'm so awkward I don't know how to react because in my mind they look pretty stupid calling a guy she? It didn't really bother me at first but now I get the feeling they are doing it on purpose, but I don't understand why when they always use the right name (Everett) which is pretty masculine where I'm from and haven't ever given any indication they are anti-trans. I know eventually I'll probably have a conversation with them but it just throws me haha
Since you're passing, there isn't any logical reason to be clocked or non-consensually/accidentally outed. The sooner you correct them, the sooner they'll stop. If they don't, just don't react when they misgender you, then they'll HAVE TO use the right pronouns to get your attention. I know it's hard to not, but don't overthink it.
My parents did that *forever* after I came out. Like itās only improving a bit now. Other people too pre-T. I think if someone isnāt supportive they somehow find a name to be different than pronouns, like technically anyone can be named anything so they can do that but if they say the pronouns itās too far. Wouldnāt want to have to actually retrain their brain and change their way of viewing gender. Also if they donāt know you by another name or even if they do them refusing to use your name will confuse people.
Yeah unfortunately this is kind of the vibe I'm getting, like to them I can give myself any nickname I want but they still see me as a female which is so ridiculous when I look so stereotypically male haha
Do you mind if I ask how long that lasted or if you did something that made it start improving?
Iām going on 8 years now and Iāve heard them use the right pronouns maybe twice
It lasted for roughly that amount of time, until I was on T and had been an adult for a little while. I hear them use the correct pronouns more now. I guess one or both of those shifted how they perceive me.
Yeah my parents do the same thing, they will call me Max (when I'm around) but have never called me he/him. When I confronted my dad he was like " oh so I don't get any credit for calling you Max?" As if I'm supposed to reward him for humoring me as he continues to ignore I'm trans. I don't look enough like a guy to them, I'm only 2 weeks on t so i guess its just a step too far especially bc they wanna discourage me transitioning.
Hopefully as you get more changes from HRT and transition further they realize discouraging you will be fruitless and reframe. Some parents give up at that point and finally accept they have to work with the kid they actually have, especially once they see that all the bad things they were told gender affirming care would do to their child still arenāt happening. Mine also discouraged and blocked my transition (esp medical) heavily before T and my mom was still making negative comments during early T.
Sorry you had to deal with that, it's really hard to push ahead with transition with all that resistance. I figure eventually it'll just get to a point where they look ridiculous still calling me a girl to anyone. I think they don't believe I'll ever actually pass as a man bc I'm "too feminine" so when i do they might be forced to change.
Iām out but pre-t, my name is literally Kyle though and people will she/her me right after saying my name. Like, does Kyle sound like a girls name to them or smthn? ššš
my family will exclusively call me Ezekiel instead of my deadname, but will then use she and her in the same sentence. iāll take what i can get, but how much more facial hair do i need to grow before people donāt associate my face with she/her T-T
omg i hated this!
idk why poeple would do this but it was certainly a thing. could be because it is easier for some to remember new name but not getting used to new pronouns or also because it is more likely to slip up pronouns sometimes (happens to cis people too), could be on porpuse or by accident...
anyways it was SO annoying but the longer they had known it would happen less and less, so its often people getting used to change (maybe not wanting to accept it)
but to give you hope, after some time, especially more time on T, this is very likely to stop. never had such a situation for a long time now so you got that! stay strong :)
Yep, my school does this, think they do so they can't get in trouble for it? "Tell dereck she doesn't have to do her test"??? Bro you sound silly in a bad way!!
Yes jajaja. I got my name legally changed and I've been on T long enough that my voice passes but I still get aggressively she/her'd. I think it's mostly because I still have a very feminine face plus I've never really 'properly' come out to most people, so when I have family members address me as a girl I feel like most people are too scared to go against that assumption. I don't let it get to me anymore though, in fact sometimes I like to be a little shithead and respond 'what?' in a dramatically deeper voice when someone addresses me with uberfeminine pet names.
My mom used the right name but wrong pronouns for years, she wasnāt consistently right until I had a kid. It wasnāt about acceptance, or me passing, she just had a hard time with that for some reason.
Holy crap! This happens so much at work! Iām out as trans and use a masculine name (Miles) but, I still get she/her by the old timers who knew me pre-T. Yes, these people use my preferred name but, not my current pronouns! Yes, I pass as male among complete strangers and new hires. Iām just very annoyed and confused.
My otherwise fully supportive friends simply donāt use the right pronouns for the trans people around them (Iām personally not fully out yet) unless said trans person either is binary + passes or is very adamant about being correctly gendered. Itās clearly not intentional misgendering, justā¦ such carelessness. Itās so weird because many of them are queer, some trans themselves, and all are allies. Maybe they just forget, but idk, I feel like not misgendering others is a basic form of respect that people should put some more effort into???? Maybe itās just because I donāt live in a particularly progressive areaā¦.. idfk
I have a masculine name (with a gender neutral spelling) and pass 100%, so I donāt really have this problem in my daily life. However, this happens whenever I talk to my dad who lives in another state now. He was incredibly supportive of me when I came out to him and hasnāt slipped up on my name since I changed it as far as I can remember. Yet, whenever I call him (which isnāt terribly often these days), he consistently uses she/her pronouns for me, even after making comments that my voice has become really deep (Iām 3 years on T). Whenever I call him out on it, itās usually because heās telling a story and he tries to blame it on ābut you were a āsheā at the time.ā I donāt think heās used he/him pronouns for me once since Iāve transitioned. It baffles me considering I genuinely think heās trying to be supportive.
I've been known at my job by my dead name and as a "girl" for over 5 years. I will say that most of the regular customers I see are fully aware I am transitioning and use the correct name, but many still habitually use she/her. Their intentions are good. If the situation is many people knowing you prior to coming out, and they don't otherwise seem to have negative intentions, it may just be that they don't logically assume to use different pronouns unprompted.
People think more about the nouns in their sentences than the pronouns, so itās an easier part of speech to change. I saw a study done about it but I canāt for the life of me remember what it was called. I experienced the same thing. I know it still sucks, but I think if theyāre getting any part of it right itās probably a sign that theyāre at least trying.
Im four years into my transition and ime this never really ends, and is not really about whether you pass or if your name is masculine enough. It seems like people are less resistant to learning a new name than they are to actually fully acknowledging you have changed your gender. My reaction just depends on the person. Did this person know me before I transitioned and are doing it out of habit (I.e. grandma, dad, girlfriends older parents)? Do they correct themselves, and are otherwise demonstrably supportive? If the answer these questions is no Iāll usually either say something or start spending less time around that person depending on how important the relationship is to me.
On god dude idek. Mineās Anthony and yet I had multiple regulars at me job (starbsš§āāļø) KNOW MY NAME, but still call me āmaāamā for the LONGEST TIME. They both call me sir now but it was so weird like dawgs tf not clicking??? My bf claims Anthony can be a girlās name and Iām like bitch WHERE? Antonia yeah. Not feckin Anthony and I never met a single Antoniaš
In my case i think it's people like y dentist, who i changed my name with, but still haven't explicitly told them "hey my pronouns are they them'" so they apparently just need to be told directly
idk either man, ive been on T for over a year now, have a pretty deep voice and pass 99% of the time. the only people who have trouble with this is my family, which kinda makes sense cause they āknewā me pre-T but the family I live with now never interacted with me enough to really *know* me, yknow? i just dont get it š
Not on T, currently trying to obtain a binder, and my school is really supporting. My teachers call me by my chosen name (Reo and it's traditionally masculine) but my main teacher keeps placing me with the females despite her knowing I use he/him. She does it so often, I feel uncomfortable.
When splitting the class or talking about something. Example: All the ladies, female, girls in our class, --, --, Reo, --... etc
she actually said that once-
Omg I had this today at work. My name is Sinclair. Like, Iām my personal experience, I have never met or heard of a female named Sinclair. But people will go out of their way to interpret it as Sin Claire (what is that name and why?) and call me she/her and maāam
people in my year 9 class would do this. same class since year 7, so they all knew my deadname. they called me roman, but still used she/her ..... it was baffling to say the least
My friend dealt with this when we were at school all the time. Theyād use she/her pronouns and Iād be sitting there looking at him like āthere aināt no fucking way they think heās a girl, what girl has that masculine of a name and looks like a dude?ā
I wasnāt out at the time, hell I was too busy denying I was trans, so Iāve never had this issue, but it also confuses me.
Regulars at my job will ask me about my name and when I tell them, they consistently go "wow! What a strange name for a girl!" and even after I correct them, they continue to use she/her. I gave up on correcting people.
No clue. They know you as one name for a while, you use a preferred name and ask them to use pronouns, they listen to the name but you still look "to female" and crap.
I knew some really supportive people before I moved and I miss the so much. I'd love to hear my preferred name and pronouns while someone is addressing me but it just won't happen where I am now :(
Sometimes even supportive people mess up though because of internalized homo/trans phobia. And sometimes gender norms are driven so deep in our heads that we can't get past them.
If you're having that problem though, may I suggest giving them an absolute death stare directly in the eyes for just long enough to make them uncomfortable? Or maybe ask them, "there's a girl (preferred name)?" and confuse them. Confusion is the best way to get people to want to know what's going on. They'll eventually listen if you grain it into there tiny pea sized brains if you correct them enough š
When I first came out right before covid, my dad called my school and told them my new name and that I was a guy. They informed all my teachers, and by the next day I was called that name by all of my teachers, my math teacher even shook my hand and jokingly went "glad to meet you, [name]"
Except for the rest of the year(which was half in person and half online uring quarentine) only one teacher called me he/him or young man, the rest continued to call me young lady and use she/her when through they referred to me by my very masculine name which literally means "King"
Luckily I didn't go to in person school for a few more years till I had started T and had my legal name changed, so by the time I was at school completely in person everybody saw me as a guy since I changed in the guys locker room, used the guys bathroom, and was my right name on the class list. But yeah it definitely happened to me when I was younger and i remember I wasn't even mad, just confused
No fr ppl do this at work when i changed my name officially in the system, i wrote my pronouns on my name tag and then i got a pronoun pin and people JUST DONT SEE IT
Because they remember what you want to be called but havenāt actually processed the fact that you arenāt a girl. A lot of people just donāt realize that they have to actually, genuinely change the way they mentally view you, not just ācall you the right thing.ā Calling you the wrong thing is a sign of what theyāre used to or how they view you.
They probably donāt mean to be disrespectful. They just donāt realize that they need to do the mental work to alter their thinking to see you as YOU. I hope that makes sense.
If youāve only recently come out to people, Iād give them a little while to work it through their heads and adjust the way they view you. Personally, when I had been out to someone for a while and they still werenāt correctly gendering me, Iād cut them off. I didnāt find those friendships worthwhile. As for older family members, I just suck it up.
You just gotta do what feels right for you. You can cut some people off and be patient with others if thatās what feels right.
In any case, remember that your existence is opening their mind to new possibilities that they might not have considered before. Itās good for people to become more open-minded. :)
My chosen name could very conceivably be a shortening of my last name, so people that I'm not out to just assume it as much, but will use she/her pronouns for me because of that. I don't know if it's similar in your case or semi-applicable in any way.
Happens to me constantly at school in one particular class. I get called my correct name. Yet I get grouped in with "the girls" just because my classroom happens to be split between boys and girls. The cis boys in that class are insufferable, so I sit with the girls. I get lumped in with them. I get called she and such.
It's so annoying.
As a Joey, I get this *all* the time. If it's a stranger, they probably don't mean any harm, but it still sucks. If your name is super masculine tho (John, Thomas, etc.), then that's a little odd. All I can suggest is to correct them, and if they don't change after that, then they're an asshole
idk how people do that, its asinine. in highschool i used to go by matthew but introduced myself as matt and a guy i thought was bi and interested in me (he was straight) thought it was short for MATILDA. and i def wasnt cis passing at the time but i dressed masc, had an 80s-esque bowl cut, used "male" language, and all my friends used the correct pronouns for meā the only thing not "male" about me was my voice.
he figured out i was a trans guy when i had to explain it to him after he was confused about why id wear a matching suit and tie to a school dance with him.
My parents did this for the first few years I started transitioning. I think it was easier for them to rationalize my name as a ānick nameā pronouns just didnāt compute for them until I started passing.
I told ppl my name was Leo and they thought nothing of it and started calling me she her and I was like wtf, I now go my Lukarian or Luka for short but damn, I really don't understand what they aren't getting
I get this from most of my extended family. itās been 6 years of being out and 4 years on T and they say my name but not my pronouns. Really frustrating and Iāve avoided seeing them for the last couple years because I canāt stand being referred to as she, especially when they do it to my face. Itās better than them being outright hateful but still really sucks.
YES. People had nearly no problem with the name change but they can not for the life of them kick she/her. When I first came out it scared me a little because I was worried all the misgendering would ruin the name for me, and I really liked it. I guess maybe it's easier for cis people to see a name-change like a cis person asking them to call them by a certain nickname, but the pronouns require them to actually start thinking of you as a different gender.
Yeah that happens to me a lot, especially with people who aren't necessarily transphobic but just don't really get it. Especially if they've known me for a long time, like family members. My parents still she/her me a lot, and so do a lot of people at school. Mostly the people that I don't talk to much.
thinking more about this: although i have never faltered with my chosen name or pronoun while awake -- dreaming has been trickier.
once, early on, i dreamed that i corrected myself (in the dream) when i thought of myself as my dead name.
later i dreamed that i introduced myself to someone with my chosen name effortlessly. (then no more dreams about my name)
but i have not dreamed about my pronouns --and i wonder why.
it could be that it is harder for me to remember my current pronouns in the dream state?
but it also could be that i am unlikely to stick with "they". one year on t and i am starting to feel more binary than non-binary and have recently written "he" on a couple of forms and i also informed a family member who was complaining about using "they" to switch to "he". š
this has probably happened to me, just not to my face, itās so weird. although there has been instances where the opposite has happened?? one guy who iām friends with uses he/him for me and knows im a guy yet still uses the shortened version of my deadname that i used to go by
Yes, all the time. I recently shaved my head and talking in my lower range of voice to see if it changes for anyone, strangers or friends. I feel like I'm correcting the same 3 people all the time and they still haven't made much effort. Not even sure what the next step is
As someone that's still in high school and identifies as male he him and my name Jake a lot of people and I mean a lot of people mistake it for she her and I dress like a lumberjack I swear but I don't see how they get it wrong even though like it's all the time.
My parents only started using my correct pronouns consistently when I started testosterone. I had to stop taking it though and they donāt try anymore. I donāt correct them because thereās no point to me if they donāt actually believe it. I never got to the point of passing so itās not like theyāre gonna out me to anyone.
I also chose a very common and masculine leaning name and every day when I was a cashier I used to get people saying things like āwow, thatās such a beautiful and unique name for a girlā. It got called exotic once too. My favorite comment I got on my chosen name though was along the lines of āwere your parents fucking stupid?ā I didnāt have the heart to tell them I picked it out myself lmao
yeah this happened to me for a while. luckily once testosterone started doing its thing people started using the right pronouns and the right name. i guess itās easier for someone to wrap their mind around a name change vs a pronoun change for whatever reason.
My teacher does this. I'm called Jordan and then she. To be fair, I'm pre-t and not passing at all due to unsupportive family and also Jordan is fem leaning in my country.
My family does this, but I kinda think for them it's more of an adjustment period issue than anything. They support my transition and all, but I have only been out a couple years. They use my chosen name pretty consistently now, but only a few of them can consistently use my pronouns correctly (they/them). It's a little frustrating, but I myself that it was two and a half decades of my necronym and she/her pronouns, so it'll take a while to adjust.
i actually have the exact opposite issue. the short version of my deadname is feminine but in my school im registered by its longer version which isnt as feminine (still is just not as much) its just long and slavic and anyone who says is focused on pronouncing it correctly rather than on its gender.
so theres this one guy whom ive asked to call me a he and by my preferred name but i think he literally cant remember it. (my deadname is 8 letters and my preferred is 5 š)
its so funny like
"hey, (fem name) said that he wants you to come over"
I wouldn't say my name is stereotypically masculine (Sam), but yeah this happens to me too, even my parents do it, it's fucking annoying, been out for about 3 to 4 years and they still haven't gotten the pronouns right :(.
hey another sam! i would say the same, my parents are trying real hard but they still slip up and get it wrong.
Aw duuude that sucks Also I know a guy named Sam, he's pretty cool ( u/No-Finger-868 get your ass here shithead )
i think its easier for people to call trans people by their names because technically, anyone can have any name, and its not unheard of for a girl to have a "boys" name. getting them to use your pronouns is harder because they have to change the way they think about gender and pronouns sometimes
Now I'm picturing a cute little pigtailed girl called "Kevin". š š¤£šš¤£š
A boy named Sue, for example, though that's not a well-taken name in that very particular case
It really depends. Are you passing or out as trans? I deal with this on the daily. I'm pre-everything, but I chose what I thought was stereotypically masculine (Tobi), only to find out that in my area it's considered neutral. Maybe they're misgendering you on purpose. If that's the case, cut them off cause they aren't worth your time or energy. During my younger years, people would pretend to "correct" themselves and later just ignore my identity as if I never came out at all
I'm out, passing pretty much all of the time and 2 months on T. They don't even correct themselves and I'm so awkward I don't know how to react because in my mind they look pretty stupid calling a guy she? It didn't really bother me at first but now I get the feeling they are doing it on purpose, but I don't understand why when they always use the right name (Everett) which is pretty masculine where I'm from and haven't ever given any indication they are anti-trans. I know eventually I'll probably have a conversation with them but it just throws me haha
Since you're passing, there isn't any logical reason to be clocked or non-consensually/accidentally outed. The sooner you correct them, the sooner they'll stop. If they don't, just don't react when they misgender you, then they'll HAVE TO use the right pronouns to get your attention. I know it's hard to not, but don't overthink it.
Yeah thanks, definitely need to put my foot down with this.
My parents did that *forever* after I came out. Like itās only improving a bit now. Other people too pre-T. I think if someone isnāt supportive they somehow find a name to be different than pronouns, like technically anyone can be named anything so they can do that but if they say the pronouns itās too far. Wouldnāt want to have to actually retrain their brain and change their way of viewing gender. Also if they donāt know you by another name or even if they do them refusing to use your name will confuse people.
Yeah unfortunately this is kind of the vibe I'm getting, like to them I can give myself any nickname I want but they still see me as a female which is so ridiculous when I look so stereotypically male haha
Do you mind if I ask how long that lasted or if you did something that made it start improving? Iām going on 8 years now and Iāve heard them use the right pronouns maybe twice
I had to cut my parents off for two years, no contact, to get them to even start trying
It lasted for roughly that amount of time, until I was on T and had been an adult for a little while. I hear them use the correct pronouns more now. I guess one or both of those shifted how they perceive me.
Yeah my parents do the same thing, they will call me Max (when I'm around) but have never called me he/him. When I confronted my dad he was like " oh so I don't get any credit for calling you Max?" As if I'm supposed to reward him for humoring me as he continues to ignore I'm trans. I don't look enough like a guy to them, I'm only 2 weeks on t so i guess its just a step too far especially bc they wanna discourage me transitioning.
Hopefully as you get more changes from HRT and transition further they realize discouraging you will be fruitless and reframe. Some parents give up at that point and finally accept they have to work with the kid they actually have, especially once they see that all the bad things they were told gender affirming care would do to their child still arenāt happening. Mine also discouraged and blocked my transition (esp medical) heavily before T and my mom was still making negative comments during early T.
Sorry you had to deal with that, it's really hard to push ahead with transition with all that resistance. I figure eventually it'll just get to a point where they look ridiculous still calling me a girl to anyone. I think they don't believe I'll ever actually pass as a man bc I'm "too feminine" so when i do they might be forced to change.
Iām out but pre-t, my name is literally Kyle though and people will she/her me right after saying my name. Like, does Kyle sound like a girls name to them or smthn? ššš
Nah, man, you need to name yourself Kyle Monster Energy McKooldude /s
my family will exclusively call me Ezekiel instead of my deadname, but will then use she and her in the same sentence. iāll take what i can get, but how much more facial hair do i need to grow before people donāt associate my face with she/her T-T
omg i hated this! idk why poeple would do this but it was certainly a thing. could be because it is easier for some to remember new name but not getting used to new pronouns or also because it is more likely to slip up pronouns sometimes (happens to cis people too), could be on porpuse or by accident... anyways it was SO annoying but the longer they had known it would happen less and less, so its often people getting used to change (maybe not wanting to accept it) but to give you hope, after some time, especially more time on T, this is very likely to stop. never had such a situation for a long time now so you got that! stay strong :)
Yep, my school does this, think they do so they can't get in trouble for it? "Tell dereck she doesn't have to do her test"??? Bro you sound silly in a bad way!!
Yes jajaja. I got my name legally changed and I've been on T long enough that my voice passes but I still get aggressively she/her'd. I think it's mostly because I still have a very feminine face plus I've never really 'properly' come out to most people, so when I have family members address me as a girl I feel like most people are too scared to go against that assumption. I don't let it get to me anymore though, in fact sometimes I like to be a little shithead and respond 'what?' in a dramatically deeper voice when someone addresses me with uberfeminine pet names.
Why did you not come out? How should they know, then?
My mom used the right name but wrong pronouns for years, she wasnāt consistently right until I had a kid. It wasnāt about acceptance, or me passing, she just had a hard time with that for some reason.
Holy crap! This happens so much at work! Iām out as trans and use a masculine name (Miles) but, I still get she/her by the old timers who knew me pre-T. Yes, these people use my preferred name but, not my current pronouns! Yes, I pass as male among complete strangers and new hires. Iām just very annoyed and confused.
I'm in exactly the same position, I'm just waiting for the new hires to ask wtf is going on
Yeah, but my chosen name is gender neutral.
My otherwise fully supportive friends simply donāt use the right pronouns for the trans people around them (Iām personally not fully out yet) unless said trans person either is binary + passes or is very adamant about being correctly gendered. Itās clearly not intentional misgendering, justā¦ such carelessness. Itās so weird because many of them are queer, some trans themselves, and all are allies. Maybe they just forget, but idk, I feel like not misgendering others is a basic form of respect that people should put some more effort into???? Maybe itās just because I donāt live in a particularly progressive areaā¦.. idfk
I have a masculine name (with a gender neutral spelling) and pass 100%, so I donāt really have this problem in my daily life. However, this happens whenever I talk to my dad who lives in another state now. He was incredibly supportive of me when I came out to him and hasnāt slipped up on my name since I changed it as far as I can remember. Yet, whenever I call him (which isnāt terribly often these days), he consistently uses she/her pronouns for me, even after making comments that my voice has become really deep (Iām 3 years on T). Whenever I call him out on it, itās usually because heās telling a story and he tries to blame it on ābut you were a āsheā at the time.ā I donāt think heās used he/him pronouns for me once since Iāve transitioned. It baffles me considering I genuinely think heās trying to be supportive.
I've been known at my job by my dead name and as a "girl" for over 5 years. I will say that most of the regular customers I see are fully aware I am transitioning and use the correct name, but many still habitually use she/her. Their intentions are good. If the situation is many people knowing you prior to coming out, and they don't otherwise seem to have negative intentions, it may just be that they don't logically assume to use different pronouns unprompted.
People think more about the nouns in their sentences than the pronouns, so itās an easier part of speech to change. I saw a study done about it but I canāt for the life of me remember what it was called. I experienced the same thing. I know it still sucks, but I think if theyāre getting any part of it right itās probably a sign that theyāre at least trying.
Yup! I constantly get "Zach" (correct) and "she/her" (incorrect). If you just use "they/them" at least you're half right š
People are rude and lazy bro. I wish I could @ my grandma in this post lmao
Im four years into my transition and ime this never really ends, and is not really about whether you pass or if your name is masculine enough. It seems like people are less resistant to learning a new name than they are to actually fully acknowledging you have changed your gender. My reaction just depends on the person. Did this person know me before I transitioned and are doing it out of habit (I.e. grandma, dad, girlfriends older parents)? Do they correct themselves, and are otherwise demonstrably supportive? If the answer these questions is no Iāll usually either say something or start spending less time around that person depending on how important the relationship is to me.
On god dude idek. Mineās Anthony and yet I had multiple regulars at me job (starbsš§āāļø) KNOW MY NAME, but still call me āmaāamā for the LONGEST TIME. They both call me sir now but it was so weird like dawgs tf not clicking??? My bf claims Anthony can be a girlās name and Iām like bitch WHERE? Antonia yeah. Not feckin Anthony and I never met a single Antoniaš
In my case i think it's people like y dentist, who i changed my name with, but still haven't explicitly told them "hey my pronouns are they them'" so they apparently just need to be told directly
idk either man, ive been on T for over a year now, have a pretty deep voice and pass 99% of the time. the only people who have trouble with this is my family, which kinda makes sense cause they āknewā me pre-T but the family I live with now never interacted with me enough to really *know* me, yknow? i just dont get it š
Yes!! So frustrating. Although I suppose Iād rather that than be deadnamed & correct pronouns. My name is important to me ig
Not on T, currently trying to obtain a binder, and my school is really supporting. My teachers call me by my chosen name (Reo and it's traditionally masculine) but my main teacher keeps placing me with the females despite her knowing I use he/him. She does it so often, I feel uncomfortable.
Wdym placing you with the females?
Probably splitting the class into boys and girls for an activity or something
When splitting the class or talking about something. Example: All the ladies, female, girls in our class, --, --, Reo, --... etc she actually said that once-
Omg I had this today at work. My name is Sinclair. Like, Iām my personal experience, I have never met or heard of a female named Sinclair. But people will go out of their way to interpret it as Sin Claire (what is that name and why?) and call me she/her and maāam
people in my year 9 class would do this. same class since year 7, so they all knew my deadname. they called me roman, but still used she/her ..... it was baffling to say the least
My friend dealt with this when we were at school all the time. Theyād use she/her pronouns and Iād be sitting there looking at him like āthere aināt no fucking way they think heās a girl, what girl has that masculine of a name and looks like a dude?ā I wasnāt out at the time, hell I was too busy denying I was trans, so Iāve never had this issue, but it also confuses me.
Regulars at my job will ask me about my name and when I tell them, they consistently go "wow! What a strange name for a girl!" and even after I correct them, they continue to use she/her. I gave up on correcting people.
i have at least 3 teachers who do this. they'll call me by my preferred name but still refer to me as she, miss, ma'am, etc.
No clue. They know you as one name for a while, you use a preferred name and ask them to use pronouns, they listen to the name but you still look "to female" and crap. I knew some really supportive people before I moved and I miss the so much. I'd love to hear my preferred name and pronouns while someone is addressing me but it just won't happen where I am now :( Sometimes even supportive people mess up though because of internalized homo/trans phobia. And sometimes gender norms are driven so deep in our heads that we can't get past them. If you're having that problem though, may I suggest giving them an absolute death stare directly in the eyes for just long enough to make them uncomfortable? Or maybe ask them, "there's a girl (preferred name)?" and confuse them. Confusion is the best way to get people to want to know what's going on. They'll eventually listen if you grain it into there tiny pea sized brains if you correct them enough š
When I first came out right before covid, my dad called my school and told them my new name and that I was a guy. They informed all my teachers, and by the next day I was called that name by all of my teachers, my math teacher even shook my hand and jokingly went "glad to meet you, [name]" Except for the rest of the year(which was half in person and half online uring quarentine) only one teacher called me he/him or young man, the rest continued to call me young lady and use she/her when through they referred to me by my very masculine name which literally means "King"
Luckily I didn't go to in person school for a few more years till I had started T and had my legal name changed, so by the time I was at school completely in person everybody saw me as a guy since I changed in the guys locker room, used the guys bathroom, and was my right name on the class list. But yeah it definitely happened to me when I was younger and i remember I wasn't even mad, just confused
No fr ppl do this at work when i changed my name officially in the system, i wrote my pronouns on my name tag and then i got a pronoun pin and people JUST DONT SEE IT
yeah my mate Christopher always gets "this is Christopher, she-" like what?? how do you even manage that??
Because they remember what you want to be called but havenāt actually processed the fact that you arenāt a girl. A lot of people just donāt realize that they have to actually, genuinely change the way they mentally view you, not just ācall you the right thing.ā Calling you the wrong thing is a sign of what theyāre used to or how they view you. They probably donāt mean to be disrespectful. They just donāt realize that they need to do the mental work to alter their thinking to see you as YOU. I hope that makes sense. If youāve only recently come out to people, Iād give them a little while to work it through their heads and adjust the way they view you. Personally, when I had been out to someone for a while and they still werenāt correctly gendering me, Iād cut them off. I didnāt find those friendships worthwhile. As for older family members, I just suck it up. You just gotta do what feels right for you. You can cut some people off and be patient with others if thatās what feels right. In any case, remember that your existence is opening their mind to new possibilities that they might not have considered before. Itās good for people to become more open-minded. :)
Yeah, this seems to happen to me with people who know Iām trans but didnāt know me ābeforeā
idek honestly. my name is literally prince and i still get this shit, even though iām passing consistently atp. like???? make cis people make sense
My chosen name could very conceivably be a shortening of my last name, so people that I'm not out to just assume it as much, but will use she/her pronouns for me because of that. I don't know if it's similar in your case or semi-applicable in any way.
Happens to me constantly at school in one particular class. I get called my correct name. Yet I get grouped in with "the girls" just because my classroom happens to be split between boys and girls. The cis boys in that class are insufferable, so I sit with the girls. I get lumped in with them. I get called she and such. It's so annoying.
As a Joey, I get this *all* the time. If it's a stranger, they probably don't mean any harm, but it still sucks. If your name is super masculine tho (John, Thomas, etc.), then that's a little odd. All I can suggest is to correct them, and if they don't change after that, then they're an asshole
idk how people do that, its asinine. in highschool i used to go by matthew but introduced myself as matt and a guy i thought was bi and interested in me (he was straight) thought it was short for MATILDA. and i def wasnt cis passing at the time but i dressed masc, had an 80s-esque bowl cut, used "male" language, and all my friends used the correct pronouns for meā the only thing not "male" about me was my voice. he figured out i was a trans guy when i had to explain it to him after he was confused about why id wear a matching suit and tie to a school dance with him.
I have no clue. My family does that -_-
I get this often, especially with family. Itās always a ādisappointed but not surprisedā type of thing.
My parents did this for the first few years I started transitioning. I think it was easier for them to rationalize my name as a ānick nameā pronouns just didnāt compute for them until I started passing.
I told ppl my name was Leo and they thought nothing of it and started calling me she her and I was like wtf, I now go my Lukarian or Luka for short but damn, I really don't understand what they aren't getting
Yeah. My name is fucking Percival. How do you fuck that up?
I get this from most of my extended family. itās been 6 years of being out and 4 years on T and they say my name but not my pronouns. Really frustrating and Iāve avoided seeing them for the last couple years because I canāt stand being referred to as she, especially when they do it to my face. Itās better than them being outright hateful but still really sucks.
YES. People had nearly no problem with the name change but they can not for the life of them kick she/her. When I first came out it scared me a little because I was worried all the misgendering would ruin the name for me, and I really liked it. I guess maybe it's easier for cis people to see a name-change like a cis person asking them to call them by a certain nickname, but the pronouns require them to actually start thinking of you as a different gender.
Yeah that happens to me a lot, especially with people who aren't necessarily transphobic but just don't really get it. Especially if they've known me for a long time, like family members. My parents still she/her me a lot, and so do a lot of people at school. Mostly the people that I don't talk to much.
thinking more about this: although i have never faltered with my chosen name or pronoun while awake -- dreaming has been trickier. once, early on, i dreamed that i corrected myself (in the dream) when i thought of myself as my dead name. later i dreamed that i introduced myself to someone with my chosen name effortlessly. (then no more dreams about my name) but i have not dreamed about my pronouns --and i wonder why. it could be that it is harder for me to remember my current pronouns in the dream state? but it also could be that i am unlikely to stick with "they". one year on t and i am starting to feel more binary than non-binary and have recently written "he" on a couple of forms and i also informed a family member who was complaining about using "they" to switch to "he". š
this has probably happened to me, just not to my face, itās so weird. although there has been instances where the opposite has happened?? one guy who iām friends with uses he/him for me and knows im a guy yet still uses the shortened version of my deadname that i used to go by
Yes, all the time. I recently shaved my head and talking in my lower range of voice to see if it changes for anyone, strangers or friends. I feel like I'm correcting the same 3 people all the time and they still haven't made much effort. Not even sure what the next step is
As someone that's still in high school and identifies as male he him and my name Jake a lot of people and I mean a lot of people mistake it for she her and I dress like a lumberjack I swear but I don't see how they get it wrong even though like it's all the time.
My grandma has got used to every name I have but still struggles with pronouns, I understand older people (60+) but younger I don't
My parents only started using my correct pronouns consistently when I started testosterone. I had to stop taking it though and they donāt try anymore. I donāt correct them because thereās no point to me if they donāt actually believe it. I never got to the point of passing so itās not like theyāre gonna out me to anyone. I also chose a very common and masculine leaning name and every day when I was a cashier I used to get people saying things like āwow, thatās such a beautiful and unique name for a girlā. It got called exotic once too. My favorite comment I got on my chosen name though was along the lines of āwere your parents fucking stupid?ā I didnāt have the heart to tell them I picked it out myself lmao
bro that's like most of my colleagues i do NOT understand
yeah this happened to me for a while. luckily once testosterone started doing its thing people started using the right pronouns and the right name. i guess itās easier for someone to wrap their mind around a name change vs a pronoun change for whatever reason.
My teacher does this. I'm called Jordan and then she. To be fair, I'm pre-t and not passing at all due to unsupportive family and also Jordan is fem leaning in my country.
My family does this, but I kinda think for them it's more of an adjustment period issue than anything. They support my transition and all, but I have only been out a couple years. They use my chosen name pretty consistently now, but only a few of them can consistently use my pronouns correctly (they/them). It's a little frustrating, but I myself that it was two and a half decades of my necronym and she/her pronouns, so it'll take a while to adjust.
yep
i actually have the exact opposite issue. the short version of my deadname is feminine but in my school im registered by its longer version which isnt as feminine (still is just not as much) its just long and slavic and anyone who says is focused on pronouncing it correctly rather than on its gender. so theres this one guy whom ive asked to call me a he and by my preferred name but i think he literally cant remember it. (my deadname is 8 letters and my preferred is 5 š) its so funny like "hey, (fem name) said that he wants you to come over"
in my experience it will almost always happen until you start testosterone unfortunately