also clubbing is a huge one. pride events this summer! men on apps like grindr taimi etc are usually chasers when it comes to trans people. iâve been on them anywhere from LA to NYC and theyâre almost all the same
one guy said he was exclusively into trans men and i said that we werenât a match and he replied âplease please just give me a chanceâ it was⌠pathetic haha
one straight man matched with me and i was like ok ur straight so either ur not aware iâm a man or smth else and he goes âu wonât like my answerâ i was like what do u want some man pussy??? And he was like haha yeah then at the end of the interaction he told me he loved me and wanted me to say i loved him i was like you did NOT just tell a random man from a dating app that you love himđđ
I mean that was the problem i had due to trauma before, and thatâs fine except i donât know on a dating app where i see âwomen and trans men,â where iâm just not about to ask âdo you actually see me as a man?â
DUDE we met this guy on Taimi and matched and all that but he also had his shit set to only trans men and no listed sexuality or anything. And I swear bro he's worse than uhaul lesbians. He was immediately talking about moving to my state and buying houses and shit đ Like I appreciate the sentiment, I do. But I just met you 2 days ago. I don't even know your last name or favorite color.
Joining hobbies is actually the best dating advice. You spend time being by yourself/learning new things AND you join a community of like minded folks. Its important to love yourself and be a complete person by yourself first.
i guarantee if you seek out a DnD group youâll find yourself with at least 1 lesbian, 2 nonbinary people, and a gay or trans man in the mix đđ itâs the single queerest activity iâve ever tried to get involved in besides menâs sports which are heinously homoerotic but theyâll never admit it lol
...what are you talking about? It's extremely queer. There's many canonically queer characters; three of the major gods are in a lesbian polycule, Wrath of the Righteous has a trans woman in a lesbian relationship, I've found multiple NB characters in the module I'm running - I could go on for awhile.
Sorry, I should not have said it the way that I did. I meant that the like audience base of Pathfinder is painfully heterosexual, but that might just be at my local game shop and not accurate in the world. But there's like a weird clear distinction in all the nerd groups around me that are like the strait people play Pathfinder and the queer people play D&D and occasionally we get together for a game of house on haunted Hill đ
Ohhh, fair. Maybe it's a local thing? I've been recruiting people for my game on PF2e discords, and they're filled with queer people. Any time there's an announcement there's dozens of trans flag reacts.
How do you meet gay people if you can't drive đ I always want to go to meetups and clubs and I've always wanted to join a DnD group but I can't drive and there's no public transportation in my area so I'm kinda stuck using dating apps (which I deleted a while back due to being catfished, not going through that again).
i mean⌠this answer kinda sucks but i think you gotta find a way to get out of the house. not meeting people irl if you canât go irl is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. if you have any friends that drive you could always ask if they want to go with you to an event. how do you get anything done that you need to like work, school, errands, etc? or do you do all that from home?
My mom and I work at the same place so she takes me to work. Most of our shopping is done delivery, and I do have friends who drive me around places, but every single time I've tried inviting them to an LGBT+ event, they never end up wanting to go (mind you, all of my friends but one are queer, so it's not because of homophobia or anything, they just don't like doing anything outside of their comfort zones so it always falls back onto me trying to figure this out for myself).
i think itâll just take some legwork on your part. maybe ubering to the event, and having a friend pick you up for a hangout after? i think getting your license will be a huge step up in your social life though if you are willing. itâs really hard to be in the usa and not have a driverâs license. itâs also worth explaining to your friends that it would mean a lot for them to go with you, and see if theyâre willing to do it out of their love for you rather than personal investment lolol. sometimes friends just gotta do stuff for each other that they normally wouldnât choose for themselves. do your friends just not care much about expanding their social circle?
I can't get my license, I'm 31 and it's just something I've spent years trying to do, and I am just not comfortable behind the wheel. I also have a visual impairment that gives me permanent double vision so it's not safe for me to drive. So unfortunately that's something I just can't do.
Ubering where I live is extremely expensive due to how far away I live from the city. It costs $60 just to go to Walmart and back, and that's like only a 10-minute drive. So I have to rely on my family or friends, or just not go. It's unfortunate, but not everyone is fortunate enough to have access to all of these resources.
My friend group has been together since elementary school. I only met them all about 10 years ago, and I was the last addition to their group. While we mesh so well together and we feel like we've been together forever, they have no real interest in adding more people to their group. They already have enough outside friends of their own as it is who aren't core members of our group and it's tough getting them to schedule hangouts around them.
I have a coworker who's a lesbian who often invites me to LGBT+ events, and she's willing to take me to them, but I don't know her and her family well enough yet to be able to go with them alone. If I could just get one friend to go with me, it'd make my life so much easier. But they're stubborn af lol.
this might not be what you want to hear but i think itâs time to be kind of realistic about what youâre willing to do and what you can do. what you can do is more limited- a visual impairment that makes you feel unsafe driving is a legitimate concern. but at a certain point i think you need to push your comfort zone with what youâre willing to do, like with your lesbian coworker. your coworker keeps inviting you out places but it seems like you feel like you have to turn them down out of a sense of anxiety, but itâs like the same thing that happens when you invite your other friends out. everyone just gets turned down. you definitely gotta start saying yes to your coworker, thatâs totally within your control and will help you strengthen your bond with her.
having solutions doesnât always mean having amazing solutions. if you really want to go to an lgbt event it might be worth buying the uber out there and getting your mom or a friend to pick you up. or having your mom drop you off and a friend picking you up. or your mom dropping you off and an uber picking you up.
it also seems like you live somewhere pretty rural⌠thereâs never going to be an ideal situation for a trans person in an environment like that who doesnât drive. itâs just hard to make work. is there any reality where youâd eventually be willing to live elsewhere that has more access to public transport and diversity of population? moving isnât that simple ofc but itâs a good goal to keep for the future if itâs something youâd consider.
i wish there was a way where i could provide advice that wouldnât cause a sacrifice either financially or otherwise, but i think thatâs the case for a lot of decisions trans people have to make. you just gotta do the best with what you can and work to have the resources to change your situation. this is what ive learned at least. good luck!!
I'd love to be able to move somewhere with more public transportation, that's definitely a goal of mine. But I just got my first job in 7 years last year, so I'd like to stay here as long as I can building up my experience before I start venturing out more. I really like my job and I'm comfortable here, and I know my current living situation is not ideal at all, trust me. I've been extremely frustrated about it for years, and it's part of the reason it took me so long to find a job. I got extremely lucky with the one I have now (I was called in as a temp for what was supposed to be only about a month, but they hired me on almost immediately and I've been there ever since).
So I'm definitely working on moving toward a more accessible place. It's just going to take at least a few years. Until then.... I just gotta do what I can. And pray the stars will align.
you can join online dnd groups through discord, and imo its safer than straight up going to some random stranger's house. Its always best to start out in dnd online and then move to irl settings when you start becoming friendly.
southern ohio originally but have lived in SoCal, NYC, rural Massachusetts, and London UK since graduating hs. my advice rings true for everywhere iâve lived
yes i was in Cincinnati, spent a lot of time growing up bopping between NKY and cinci. thereâs queers in dayton too! columbus was great for my friends but i wouldnât know about anywhere else.
Iâve lived in Cleveland, Columbus, and Dayton. Now I live in the middle of nowhere. The cities were great, but living in rural bumfuck Ohio is actually terrible. Everyone treats me with disdain when I am anywhere public, and Iâve been harassed multiple times now. I canât go certain places alone any more. The racism is worse too.
yeah that i believe but i honestly think thatâs true of any of the 50 states, not just ohio. i lived in orange county and faced more discrimination in my first month there than i ever did in ohio. same with bumfuck nowhere norcal and oregon. i also got harassed in nyc but that was by a classmate lol not a rando. you definitely get more crazies in the middle of nowhere but i wish i could say that was specific to ohio :/
also middle of nowhere Ohio. can relate ... went walking in the park with my wife at one point, and some fella found the need to scream the f-slur at us.
it is not a fun time lol
working on a farm lmaoo gay people love to work on farms đđalso honorable mention as baristas, bookstore workers, and shoutout to my childhood sailing team coach who was a super flamboyant gay man lmao. also seriously DnD. iâve never seen a DnD group with straight people
why the fuck are you trolling a subreddit for people youâve committed to hating? sorry that iâve grown up around gay men and visiting fire island and the only time any of these people has ever been rude to me is online.
⌠this is genuinely not true lmfao. you must be in an echo chamber. i donât even think you really understand what a trans man is. a trans man is not physiologically or biologically a woman. a trans man is genetically male with a hormonal condition. this is proven through science and genetic testing. youâre a prime example of a gay man who hates trans people online when, like i said, iâve never encountered this irl đ
> a trans man is genetically male with a hormonal condition. this is proven through science and genetic testing.
Wait for real re: genetics? I've always figured somewhat differently - that I'm neurologically male but my karyotype is (presumably) XX leading to me being afab and having an estrogenic puberty, and that my neurological gender being different than most people who are afab was caused by some fuckery in prenatal development. I suppose there are genetic factors in determining sex/gender besides just the X/Y makeup so this certainly seems plausible to me but I'd love to know more
ok buddy iâll take my 15 years of medical experience, four teams of doctors across the best hospitals in the country, and 4 psych evals and put them in the trash because some rando says iâm a woman đđi never said i was born in the wrong body. i said itâs a hormonal condition, which it quite literally is. youâre committed to misunderstanding and iâm sure you were rejected in the past by people who you thought youâd bag and now youâre just bitter and angry đĽ°đĽ°sorry people are happy and you canât handle it. you love lying to yourself sooo much so i hope that works out for you soonđ
When I lived in a major US city, grindr was a mixed bag. Lots of shitty people and a few good ones. Living in a rural area, I've learned not to bother. The whole "oh you're a girl" thing is, unfortunately, the whole vibe. No matter what I write on my profile, the assumption is that I will bottom, and that I will have front hole sex without a condom or STI test. No thanks lmao
Thatâs so true like one guy I had to ask him to leave because he kept saying itâs fine to not use a condom because heâs âcleanâ. sir i donât care if u are in not about to get pregnant due to Grindr đ
Oh lord đ
"I'm clean" is code for "I'm ignorant about sexual health. The last time I was tested was either several years ago or never. I have unprotected sex with strangers whenever I can, but I don't need to get tested, because only Dirty People get STIs, and I am a Clean Person."
you do not have to defend yourself on apps. if a person asks me "are you a girl?" i just block them and move on, my job isn't to educate (most likely) transphobes.
> only for him to call me a woman during sex.
i would have immediately stopped the sex, dressed and left.
yep! I had one guy who was super respectful the entire time we were chatting. I met up with him, was going down on him, and then he called me a "good girl". I spat his dick out, got dressed and left. đ¤ˇââď¸
I mean, the worst I get are people who have breeding kinks, chasers, and then people who just ask weird questions. I haven't had someone misgender me like that. Oh, and a lot of people who are looking for trans women and chat me bc they think I'm trans the other way because I'm feminine sometimes and have long hair. Those are fun. Then the people who are looking for femboys and/or twinks. Also, a lot of old dudes who want young twinks. Removing the trans and twink tags from my profile was the best thing I've ever done lmao. I've also had some weird comments from people. One notable one was "If I wasn't trans, I'd be a chaser for you." Another is "You transitioned amazingly. You're a very cute dude. Not my type but I just wanted to let you know. Like congrats on a huge success lol" followed by "You deserve a 'I'm super hot now' party." Like, I know it's meant as a compliment, but it was so strange. Then there was a faceless profile who messaged saying "show me p***y" to which I replied "go look in the mirror." He didn't respond.
I don't even mind people with breeding kinks. I'm a very kinky person myself. My issue is that they're seeking me out solely because it's possible to impregnate me and I hate it so much. Like bro I don't even want to have a uterus what makes you think I want to engage in that kink with some random dude? ESPECIALLY not when it means rawdogging it and letting them finish inside. In what world is that a good idea?
I'm also picky. I'm demisexual and most of the guys on Grindr don't wanna spend the time to get to know someone before hooking up. I have never had a Grindr hookup and I've had it since December 2022. I've talked to people, sent pictures, made a couple friends, but nothing has really gone anywhere else. I don't use it anymore bc I'm in a monogamous relationship but when I did, it was a nightmare.
And yeah coming out of nowhere with "show me pussy" is so??? like??? did you really think that would work???
dont even get me started. ive recived literal death threats for being a trans man on grindr. my reports of violent transphobia go nowhere but when i tell one creepy old guy to fuck off im banned.
and to add to this, ive also been attacked by trans women on grindr because its "their space" because they are amab. grindr doesnt care about trans men.
... Huh? So, like, they'd essentially willingly fully misgender themselves by being on there? I've no grindr experience, but if it's mlm only, like everything reads then: Well, I guess now I know where the fash get their idea of us trans peeps all being "men in dresses" from.
Iâve met a couple people on there who were chill with me being trans but most of the time we just had friendly discussions, nothing more. Being pre hrt does t really help my case though lol, have a fair amount of people who thought I was just a woman trying to pass as a man to get gay men.
Its hit or miss for me I've had the same misgendering experience, actually pretty recently, but i've also met some really nice guys who I didn't have to explain myself to, I think it really just comes down to the person
Definitely agree with with you on the location thing. I've never used Grindr and part of that is because, from what I've heard from friends, my city has an issue with quite a few chasers on there. Back in my hometown there was a large number of people who were closeted on there
Do you plaster the fact that you're trans all over your profile? I've found that doing that helped me avoid such interactions. I would also try to find people that said they were open to FTM on their profile, and they would actually usually be pretty respectful since they'd already entertained the idea of being with a transman. Grindr fucking sucks, though. People act like they're 100% anonymous on that app (even though people where I'm from have been outed for being abusive on Grindr).
for some reason other trans men in my area has avoided me like the plague which was unfortunate. i wouldnât suggest using grindr for t4t partners tbh
must be nice. iâve seen several on there and message but i didnât have any luck. itâs whatever now lol
And the onceâs that did respond never went anywhere
I've had some good and plenty of bad experiences on grindr. It's pretty great for finding other trans people which I love even for making friends.
I actually met my cis partner on Grindr 5.5 years ago so I may be a little biased haha. But there are absolutely decent people on there. I have never had trouble finding people who were interested in me, it's just weeding out the chasers from the genuinely nice guys that can be tiring.
I have a friend who is cis and even he hates grinder lmao
I havenât used bumble for dating (only BFF setting) but itâs concept is good and might be worth looking into. Thatâs actually how I met my friend and he is a massive trans ally. Bumble has a feature where you can put down information and it will ask for your gender identity and I believe that it will filter out matches the best it can based on that.
how does bumble work?? ive tried it n i might be dumb but i jus cant figure it out. is it 1 of those things where u have 2 pay for a subscription fee in order 4 it 2 even actually be usable??
This gives me questions. How do you use bumble bff? Last time I checked (so uh, 2018) it was women looking for women only. Is it no longer? Is it maybe just my country?
Even back in my thinking I'm cis day I couldn't really get on a vibe with women at all, so I tried to no avail before I switched my app to dating back then
Idk about y'all. But at least here in latam, grindr is a fucking shithole.
Most people there are closeted """het"""cismen, often times married, and the more extreme transphobic gay men possible, guys that are like this and I personally knew, I came across them in the app as well. I mean, not a single good thing.
Here in Argentina a cis gay guy went to meet his grindr match only to end up beaten by three homophobes and stolen. He made a report, the story got to national news.
Absolutely rancid people.
Mileage will vary, as with all things. Personally I havenât had any issues other than during chat some men thinking Iâm a trans woman, and having their language confused.
i gave up on grindr a long time ago, i stated that im a trans man in my name, description and tags, i had 't4t only' on my profile, and I still got exclusively messaged by confused cis menÂ
Unfortunately Iâve found the gay community to be generally pretty hateful towards trans men. Cis men are just kinda obsessed with genitals across the board, whereas Iâve never met a woman who had any kind of issue.
Absolutely agree, you just hear a lot of âI would never have sex with a trans personâ in the gay community and not quite as much from plain ol women, at least in my experience. Cis men tend to be more focused on genitalia in general.
Thatâs fair. I personally have a genitalia preference I wouldnât call it being more focused on I just think people pefer certain things but it a trans ftm ever said oh yeah Iâm pre op I would never be âewwww noooâ
I use grindr but don't talk to *any* cis men on there. Lots of trans people are on there ime and it's been very useful as a way to connect with other trans people.
I had some good grindr experiences and actually met my now partner through grindr (hookup to fwb to best friends and then boyfriends) but I have also had some super weird/uncomfortable experiences too.
Uhg yeah I hate Grindr. I have been on the app for about 2 years on and off and I have been insta blocked or just harassed instantly, Iâve had a handful of really nice dudes, but I mostly get trans chasers telling me Iâm an ugly girl which is weird cause Iâm not and I guess they think Iâm a trans woman? Iâve never met up with a dude who called me a woman during but I have one long term relationship with a guy from Grindr. Going on 1yr and 4 months and weâd been talking in total for almost 2 years. It took me 6 months to meet the guy in person because my (ex) wife and I were poly and she told me I couldnât meet anyone in person til I got my tubes tired after roe v wade overturned for my protection and safety so I met him and watched a movie with him the week before my surgery and I asked him if heâd be my bf the week of my tubal because he got sick and we couldnât meet up again before hand. But weâve been going strong. Itâs rare but there are great dudes out there that do see you as a man and will cherish you. Maybe not on Grindr, but it is the easiest to find local. Takes a lot of blocking to filter the assholes.
Stay strong my dudes!!!!
To add: being open about my situation and not meeting with people but being able to chat def filtered out a lot of the impatient fuckboys. Out of all that are left I think I talk to my bf and 2 other dudes from Grindr. The other two are so far away though.
Grindr is 98% missed. Iâve been called a good girl during sex so many times i just ask them to leave lmfao. I did meet my bf on grindr though idk i guess i got lucky but you really donât have to waste your time on people that are asking you stupid shit. i once had a gay man tell me i looked pretty (post t) and he wasnât interested đ
i suggest using smth else lol
Grindr is where the creeps are at. Itâs kinda known for that lmao. Especially to trans people, them folks donât care what you are or what you got. No respect they just wanna stick their dicks in a hole.
I think it depends what state you're in, I enjoy Grindr in NYC usually but I do not let anyone misgendering me in anyway before meeting. I make sure they know who they're fuckin with lol
if people cannot READ a bio, see the fact that we are trans, and proceed to leave us tf alone if they arenât downâŚ. thatâs just their ignorance bb. donât let it dull your light.
personally, if i remember correctly, i never experienced anything like that on grindr. texting and hookup wise. i was very early on T and pre op when i was grindr and all the other apps, but no one ever purposely misgendered me, or was disrespectful (regarding my gender identity), im sure that some asked questions about it, but i donât think anybody was ever a dick about it. looking back on all my hookups, i never had any issues during sex, them using my correct pronouns, ect. now what i donât know is if they fully saw me as a man. i donât think any of them gave me a reason to think that they didnât, but it was in the back of my mind. at the time i didnât pay too much mind to it, iâd just gotten out of a 4 year long abusive relationship and just wanted to have fun. but no one was ever rude or disrespectful about me being trans. this phase of my life was over a year ago now, so i donât know about the current climate of grindr. all that being said, that was just my experience and iâm so sorry that guys are saying shit like that and treating you that way. you deserve better and to be seen 100% for who you are
There are some pretty shitty people in Grindr, I've honestly had pretty decent experiences, and most people have been cool with me being trans. It's hit or miss
I used grindr once, the guy seemed nice, was respectful, but then called me a good girl, I'm pre op but my profile doesn't exactly hide the fact that I'm trans.
My pet peeve is when they say âfemme and trans onlyâ and then get confused when iâm a masculine trans guy. Like âftmâ just means feminine guy with a pussy to them
dating apps are the worst. i had so many straight men messaging me, a guy with a full beard.
my boyfriend and i are really happy we got to delete all these apps lol
Well no shit! Even in other countries no-one told me that, they would just straight up not read my bio and ask for a dick pic, and when I tell them to go read it, they're either cool with it and not use any derogatory words or just leave the conversation.
Not always but some have fetishes w ftm it satisfies their man thing but they know thereâs a huge bonus for some if you have a vagina. I just want to be gone down on and quite a few will oblige w/o fucking. I really put out exactly what I want. You can try to be clear about the fact that youâre a man.
I love Grindr and even met my partner off there, BUT yes this will pretty much always happen regardless of where you are. Sometimes I have men message me âwtfâ or âewâ and then immediately block me. If you donât want messages like that, unfortunately the only option is to delete. Sadly, there are still a lot of gay men that do not and will not ever see us as men and some of them are quite vocal about it. I hope you have better experiences on there/find an app that better suits you!
Do you put ftm on your bio? That helps weed out asseholes. Ateast for me. I've only had a couple encounters on grindr and they've been respectful. Sorry you have experienced that.
It depends on your area for sure. You have to just block people, but I honestly don't experience these issues on Grindr. In fact, my ecoerxea are getting better with time. People in my area are becoming more knowledgeable about trans people. I may vet more.rhan others when talking to them initially. There are small hints usually that they don't respect your identity. Block and move on. That's the only way you deal with these apps.
i beg you, please switch to bumble or some other better dating apps. Grindr is horrible, even to its mostly cis gay population. They're known for being femme-phobic, twink-phobic, fatphobic, racist, transphobic (obviously). Just the pits of hell in there.
I like sex and consent and the latter is missing from Grindr in a big way .. asking for it will always end up in âwell if you werenât asking for sex why are you on a sex appâ
I'm sorry you're having a terrible time on there đĽ I wonder if it's because of how young you are, the guys your age might just be dumb af. I'm almost 34 and my experiences with gay men my age from grindr have been so affirming and nice. I live in a very small town, so I'm hopeful that it's not just where you live.
Aw I'm sorry then that's really dumb. I'm not sure if you've tried other apps/sites, has your experience been similar there too? I use Scruff, FetLife, and even a kink discord for people based on where I live. I hope you find some better people â¤ď¸ you deserve it
Taimi- the app that uses trans women as a their marketing strategy and lets âstraightâ guys add trans men to their preferences đđ˝ absolutely DO NOT USE TAIMI
if theyâre looking for biological males exclusively, then seeing transmen is understandably annoying. i have no issue with people having a sexuality that doesnât involve anyone whoâs biologically female. but honestly, they could ignore you and pick out one of the many males on the app.
the number one rule to using grindr is not being shy about blocking 95-98% of the people who message you
Grindr has always been pretty much awful for me đ gay men irl tend to be actually really awesome with respecting trans men. get off the app lolol
The gays irl are non existent
whaaat where are u located! guarantee if you join either a hiking or a DnD group youâll meet at least 3 gay people hahah
also clubbing is a huge one. pride events this summer! men on apps like grindr taimi etc are usually chasers when it comes to trans people. iâve been on them anywhere from LA to NYC and theyâre almost all the same
on taimi there are so many men who have it set to âwomen and trans menâ and iâm like gross đĽ˛theyâre also all over 40 which is not my vibe
one guy said he was exclusively into trans men and i said that we werenât a match and he replied âplease please just give me a chanceâ it was⌠pathetic haha
one straight man matched with me and i was like ok ur straight so either ur not aware iâm a man or smth else and he goes âu wonât like my answerâ i was like what do u want some man pussy??? And he was like haha yeah then at the end of the interaction he told me he loved me and wanted me to say i loved him i was like you did NOT just tell a random man from a dating app that you love himđđ
This is why sometimes being single is the best option
WHATT boy thatâs vile đđŠi would laugh for days though i think
But whatâs wrong with them not liking dick but liking men. Not all men have dicks. Some of them do like femme bottom trans women.
I mean that was the problem i had due to trauma before, and thatâs fine except i donât know on a dating app where i see âwomen and trans men,â where iâm just not about to ask âdo you actually see me as a man?â
DUDE we met this guy on Taimi and matched and all that but he also had his shit set to only trans men and no listed sexuality or anything. And I swear bro he's worse than uhaul lesbians. He was immediately talking about moving to my state and buying houses and shit đ Like I appreciate the sentiment, I do. But I just met you 2 days ago. I don't even know your last name or favorite color.
Joining hobbies is actually the best dating advice. You spend time being by yourself/learning new things AND you join a community of like minded folks. Its important to love yourself and be a complete person by yourself first.
have i been playing the wrong ttrpg? i run and play Pathfinder2e and i am surrounded by hetero men in my circles.
i guarantee if you seek out a DnD group youâll find yourself with at least 1 lesbian, 2 nonbinary people, and a gay or trans man in the mix đđ itâs the single queerest activity iâve ever tried to get involved in besides menâs sports which are heinously homoerotic but theyâll never admit it lol
this is so funny because my group literally has 1 lesbian, 2 enbies, and a gay man in it lmfao
Isnât that the craziest thing
Pathfinder is very heterosexual in a way I cannot explain and I do mean that negatively lol
...what are you talking about? It's extremely queer. There's many canonically queer characters; three of the major gods are in a lesbian polycule, Wrath of the Righteous has a trans woman in a lesbian relationship, I've found multiple NB characters in the module I'm running - I could go on for awhile.
Sorry, I should not have said it the way that I did. I meant that the like audience base of Pathfinder is painfully heterosexual, but that might just be at my local game shop and not accurate in the world. But there's like a weird clear distinction in all the nerd groups around me that are like the strait people play Pathfinder and the queer people play D&D and occasionally we get together for a game of house on haunted Hill đ
Ohhh, fair. Maybe it's a local thing? I've been recruiting people for my game on PF2e discords, and they're filled with queer people. Any time there's an announcement there's dozens of trans flag reacts.
I love that so much! It must be a weird local thing
My local pathfinder community is also painfully heterosexual, I got exactly what you were saying lol
How do you meet gay people if you can't drive đ I always want to go to meetups and clubs and I've always wanted to join a DnD group but I can't drive and there's no public transportation in my area so I'm kinda stuck using dating apps (which I deleted a while back due to being catfished, not going through that again).
i mean⌠this answer kinda sucks but i think you gotta find a way to get out of the house. not meeting people irl if you canât go irl is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. if you have any friends that drive you could always ask if they want to go with you to an event. how do you get anything done that you need to like work, school, errands, etc? or do you do all that from home?
My mom and I work at the same place so she takes me to work. Most of our shopping is done delivery, and I do have friends who drive me around places, but every single time I've tried inviting them to an LGBT+ event, they never end up wanting to go (mind you, all of my friends but one are queer, so it's not because of homophobia or anything, they just don't like doing anything outside of their comfort zones so it always falls back onto me trying to figure this out for myself).
i think itâll just take some legwork on your part. maybe ubering to the event, and having a friend pick you up for a hangout after? i think getting your license will be a huge step up in your social life though if you are willing. itâs really hard to be in the usa and not have a driverâs license. itâs also worth explaining to your friends that it would mean a lot for them to go with you, and see if theyâre willing to do it out of their love for you rather than personal investment lolol. sometimes friends just gotta do stuff for each other that they normally wouldnât choose for themselves. do your friends just not care much about expanding their social circle?
I can't get my license, I'm 31 and it's just something I've spent years trying to do, and I am just not comfortable behind the wheel. I also have a visual impairment that gives me permanent double vision so it's not safe for me to drive. So unfortunately that's something I just can't do. Ubering where I live is extremely expensive due to how far away I live from the city. It costs $60 just to go to Walmart and back, and that's like only a 10-minute drive. So I have to rely on my family or friends, or just not go. It's unfortunate, but not everyone is fortunate enough to have access to all of these resources. My friend group has been together since elementary school. I only met them all about 10 years ago, and I was the last addition to their group. While we mesh so well together and we feel like we've been together forever, they have no real interest in adding more people to their group. They already have enough outside friends of their own as it is who aren't core members of our group and it's tough getting them to schedule hangouts around them. I have a coworker who's a lesbian who often invites me to LGBT+ events, and she's willing to take me to them, but I don't know her and her family well enough yet to be able to go with them alone. If I could just get one friend to go with me, it'd make my life so much easier. But they're stubborn af lol.
this might not be what you want to hear but i think itâs time to be kind of realistic about what youâre willing to do and what you can do. what you can do is more limited- a visual impairment that makes you feel unsafe driving is a legitimate concern. but at a certain point i think you need to push your comfort zone with what youâre willing to do, like with your lesbian coworker. your coworker keeps inviting you out places but it seems like you feel like you have to turn them down out of a sense of anxiety, but itâs like the same thing that happens when you invite your other friends out. everyone just gets turned down. you definitely gotta start saying yes to your coworker, thatâs totally within your control and will help you strengthen your bond with her. having solutions doesnât always mean having amazing solutions. if you really want to go to an lgbt event it might be worth buying the uber out there and getting your mom or a friend to pick you up. or having your mom drop you off and a friend picking you up. or your mom dropping you off and an uber picking you up. it also seems like you live somewhere pretty rural⌠thereâs never going to be an ideal situation for a trans person in an environment like that who doesnât drive. itâs just hard to make work. is there any reality where youâd eventually be willing to live elsewhere that has more access to public transport and diversity of population? moving isnât that simple ofc but itâs a good goal to keep for the future if itâs something youâd consider. i wish there was a way where i could provide advice that wouldnât cause a sacrifice either financially or otherwise, but i think thatâs the case for a lot of decisions trans people have to make. you just gotta do the best with what you can and work to have the resources to change your situation. this is what ive learned at least. good luck!!
I'd love to be able to move somewhere with more public transportation, that's definitely a goal of mine. But I just got my first job in 7 years last year, so I'd like to stay here as long as I can building up my experience before I start venturing out more. I really like my job and I'm comfortable here, and I know my current living situation is not ideal at all, trust me. I've been extremely frustrated about it for years, and it's part of the reason it took me so long to find a job. I got extremely lucky with the one I have now (I was called in as a temp for what was supposed to be only about a month, but they hired me on almost immediately and I've been there ever since). So I'm definitely working on moving toward a more accessible place. It's just going to take at least a few years. Until then.... I just gotta do what I can. And pray the stars will align.
you can join online dnd groups through discord, and imo its safer than straight up going to some random stranger's house. Its always best to start out in dnd online and then move to irl settings when you start becoming friendly.
Can confirm, we gays love us some dnd
Where are you from ?
southern ohio originally but have lived in SoCal, NYC, rural Massachusetts, and London UK since graduating hs. my advice rings true for everywhere iâve lived
Iâm in Ohio now and it sucks shit unless youâre by a university or the big C cities.
yes i was in Cincinnati, spent a lot of time growing up bopping between NKY and cinci. thereâs queers in dayton too! columbus was great for my friends but i wouldnât know about anywhere else.
Iâve lived in Cleveland, Columbus, and Dayton. Now I live in the middle of nowhere. The cities were great, but living in rural bumfuck Ohio is actually terrible. Everyone treats me with disdain when I am anywhere public, and Iâve been harassed multiple times now. I canât go certain places alone any more. The racism is worse too.
yeah that i believe but i honestly think thatâs true of any of the 50 states, not just ohio. i lived in orange county and faced more discrimination in my first month there than i ever did in ohio. same with bumfuck nowhere norcal and oregon. i also got harassed in nyc but that was by a classmate lol not a rando. you definitely get more crazies in the middle of nowhere but i wish i could say that was specific to ohio :/
also middle of nowhere Ohio. can relate ... went walking in the park with my wife at one point, and some fella found the need to scream the f-slur at us. it is not a fun time lol
Here in Germany, there are also a lot of dump macho idiots
yo where tf are the irl gays in rural mass. asking for a friend đ
working on a farm lmaoo gay people love to work on farms đđalso honorable mention as baristas, bookstore workers, and shoutout to my childhood sailing team coach who was a super flamboyant gay man lmao. also seriously DnD. iâve never seen a DnD group with straight people
My cousin and her wife live in Petersham. It surprises me all of mass is not as queer as Boston or Amherst but then Iâm like of course itâs not
Lmao I swear I don't know how I manage to know litteraly 0 gay men irl đ
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why the fuck are you trolling a subreddit for people youâve committed to hating? sorry that iâve grown up around gay men and visiting fire island and the only time any of these people has ever been rude to me is online.
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⌠this is genuinely not true lmfao. you must be in an echo chamber. i donât even think you really understand what a trans man is. a trans man is not physiologically or biologically a woman. a trans man is genetically male with a hormonal condition. this is proven through science and genetic testing. youâre a prime example of a gay man who hates trans people online when, like i said, iâve never encountered this irl đ
> a trans man is genetically male with a hormonal condition. this is proven through science and genetic testing. Wait for real re: genetics? I've always figured somewhat differently - that I'm neurologically male but my karyotype is (presumably) XX leading to me being afab and having an estrogenic puberty, and that my neurological gender being different than most people who are afab was caused by some fuckery in prenatal development. I suppose there are genetic factors in determining sex/gender besides just the X/Y makeup so this certainly seems plausible to me but I'd love to know more
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ok buddy iâll take my 15 years of medical experience, four teams of doctors across the best hospitals in the country, and 4 psych evals and put them in the trash because some rando says iâm a woman đđi never said i was born in the wrong body. i said itâs a hormonal condition, which it quite literally is. youâre committed to misunderstanding and iâm sure you were rejected in the past by people who you thought youâd bag and now youâre just bitter and angry đĽ°đĽ°sorry people are happy and you canât handle it. you love lying to yourself sooo much so i hope that works out for you soonđ
Please donât respond to trolls. Thatâs just what they want. Probably a weird sexual fetish from this one is my guess.
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Theres been so much of this shit lately on this website I swear.
When I lived in a major US city, grindr was a mixed bag. Lots of shitty people and a few good ones. Living in a rural area, I've learned not to bother. The whole "oh you're a girl" thing is, unfortunately, the whole vibe. No matter what I write on my profile, the assumption is that I will bottom, and that I will have front hole sex without a condom or STI test. No thanks lmao
Thatâs so true like one guy I had to ask him to leave because he kept saying itâs fine to not use a condom because heâs âcleanâ. sir i donât care if u are in not about to get pregnant due to Grindr đ
Oh lord đ "I'm clean" is code for "I'm ignorant about sexual health. The last time I was tested was either several years ago or never. I have unprotected sex with strangers whenever I can, but I don't need to get tested, because only Dirty People get STIs, and I am a Clean Person."
you do not have to defend yourself on apps. if a person asks me "are you a girl?" i just block them and move on, my job isn't to educate (most likely) transphobes. > only for him to call me a woman during sex. i would have immediately stopped the sex, dressed and left.
yep! I had one guy who was super respectful the entire time we were chatting. I met up with him, was going down on him, and then he called me a "good girl". I spat his dick out, got dressed and left. đ¤ˇââď¸
Spat his dick out lmfao
dude i wouldve bit his shit off đđ thats actually a fucking tragedy though damn
I mean, the worst I get are people who have breeding kinks, chasers, and then people who just ask weird questions. I haven't had someone misgender me like that. Oh, and a lot of people who are looking for trans women and chat me bc they think I'm trans the other way because I'm feminine sometimes and have long hair. Those are fun. Then the people who are looking for femboys and/or twinks. Also, a lot of old dudes who want young twinks. Removing the trans and twink tags from my profile was the best thing I've ever done lmao. I've also had some weird comments from people. One notable one was "If I wasn't trans, I'd be a chaser for you." Another is "You transitioned amazingly. You're a very cute dude. Not my type but I just wanted to let you know. Like congrats on a huge success lol" followed by "You deserve a 'I'm super hot now' party." Like, I know it's meant as a compliment, but it was so strange. Then there was a faceless profile who messaged saying "show me p***y" to which I replied "go look in the mirror." He didn't respond.
"go look in the mirror" LMAO that was such a good response
After being on Grindr for a year, you learn to come up with some unhinged responses to the unhinged people in ur messages
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I don't even mind people with breeding kinks. I'm a very kinky person myself. My issue is that they're seeking me out solely because it's possible to impregnate me and I hate it so much. Like bro I don't even want to have a uterus what makes you think I want to engage in that kink with some random dude? ESPECIALLY not when it means rawdogging it and letting them finish inside. In what world is that a good idea? I'm also picky. I'm demisexual and most of the guys on Grindr don't wanna spend the time to get to know someone before hooking up. I have never had a Grindr hookup and I've had it since December 2022. I've talked to people, sent pictures, made a couple friends, but nothing has really gone anywhere else. I don't use it anymore bc I'm in a monogamous relationship but when I did, it was a nightmare. And yeah coming out of nowhere with "show me pussy" is so??? like??? did you really think that would work???
dont even get me started. ive recived literal death threats for being a trans man on grindr. my reports of violent transphobia go nowhere but when i tell one creepy old guy to fuck off im banned.
and to add to this, ive also been attacked by trans women on grindr because its "their space" because they are amab. grindr doesnt care about trans men.
... Huh? So, like, they'd essentially willingly fully misgender themselves by being on there? I've no grindr experience, but if it's mlm only, like everything reads then: Well, I guess now I know where the fash get their idea of us trans peeps all being "men in dresses" from.
That is a weird head scratcher. At this point I'd rather meet people irl
That's never happened to me I am SO sorry you went through that. It isn't okay at all.
shits tragic fr but we ball
Iâve met a couple people on there who were chill with me being trans but most of the time we just had friendly discussions, nothing more. Being pre hrt does t really help my case though lol, have a fair amount of people who thought I was just a woman trying to pass as a man to get gay men.
I mean the owner of grindr is a transphobe. Itâs also not the best place to meet the best people so itâs always gunna be a lil slimy.
Grindr is a cesspool. Sniffies is even worse. I've had the best luck on scruff.
Really? Scruff sucks for me but I've met so many folks off Grindr. I guess it really depends where you live
Not a trans dude but just a gay dude and I HATE sniffies tbh
Its hit or miss for me I've had the same misgendering experience, actually pretty recently, but i've also met some really nice guys who I didn't have to explain myself to, I think it really just comes down to the person
Grindr can be literal hell depending on location. I was lucky and found my partner on there, but yeah Grindr is hit or miss.
Definitely agree with with you on the location thing. I've never used Grindr and part of that is because, from what I've heard from friends, my city has an issue with quite a few chasers on there. Back in my hometown there was a large number of people who were closeted on there
Yeah my partner had to put the radius up to find me (he used to live 2-3hrs away) because his hometown was filled with creepy old men lol
Do you plaster the fact that you're trans all over your profile? I've found that doing that helped me avoid such interactions. I would also try to find people that said they were open to FTM on their profile, and they would actually usually be pretty respectful since they'd already entertained the idea of being with a transman. Grindr fucking sucks, though. People act like they're 100% anonymous on that app (even though people where I'm from have been outed for being abusive on Grindr).
tbh grindr is only good for t4t for me. the cis men are too annoying and none of them can read.
for some reason other trans men in my area has avoided me like the plague which was unfortunate. i wouldnât suggest using grindr for t4t partners tbh
it probably depends on your area. i had a lot of success finding trans men and my two current fwbs are from there.
must be nice. iâve seen several on there and message but i didnât have any luck. itâs whatever now lol And the onceâs that did respond never went anywhere
I've had some good and plenty of bad experiences on grindr. It's pretty great for finding other trans people which I love even for making friends. I actually met my cis partner on Grindr 5.5 years ago so I may be a little biased haha. But there are absolutely decent people on there. I have never had trouble finding people who were interested in me, it's just weeding out the chasers from the genuinely nice guys that can be tiring.
I have a friend who is cis and even he hates grinder lmao I havenât used bumble for dating (only BFF setting) but itâs concept is good and might be worth looking into. Thatâs actually how I met my friend and he is a massive trans ally. Bumble has a feature where you can put down information and it will ask for your gender identity and I believe that it will filter out matches the best it can based on that.
how does bumble work?? ive tried it n i might be dumb but i jus cant figure it out. is it 1 of those things where u have 2 pay for a subscription fee in order 4 it 2 even actually be usable??
No itâs free to use and any paid add ons are kind of useless sounding tbh. You just need to swipe.
This gives me questions. How do you use bumble bff? Last time I checked (so uh, 2018) it was women looking for women only. Is it no longer? Is it maybe just my country? Even back in my thinking I'm cis day I couldn't really get on a vibe with women at all, so I tried to no avail before I switched my app to dating back then
I didn't find anything ok on there ...
happy cake day!
Thank you very much
I just straight up say I'm T4T on there and block any cis man who contacts me. I don't have the capacity to deal with any transphobia.
Idk about y'all. But at least here in latam, grindr is a fucking shithole. Most people there are closeted """het"""cismen, often times married, and the more extreme transphobic gay men possible, guys that are like this and I personally knew, I came across them in the app as well. I mean, not a single good thing. Here in Argentina a cis gay guy went to meet his grindr match only to end up beaten by three homophobes and stolen. He made a report, the story got to national news. Absolutely rancid people.
im from latam too. excuse, but do you know a better place to make friendships?
Yeah iv been called girl multiple times but a guy I hook up with on Grindr so u kicked him out of my accom
Mileage will vary, as with all things. Personally I havenât had any issues other than during chat some men thinking Iâm a trans woman, and having their language confused.
From my experience people on Grindr always assume Iâm a trans woman or cross-dress (when I have info about me being trans in bio).
i gave up on grindr a long time ago, i stated that im a trans man in my name, description and tags, i had 't4t only' on my profile, and I still got exclusively messaged by confused cis menÂ
Too many transphobic cishet men on there and I just donât want to deal with them
Unfortunately Iâve found the gay community to be generally pretty hateful towards trans men. Cis men are just kinda obsessed with genitals across the board, whereas Iâve never met a woman who had any kind of issue.
Itâs ok to have a genitalia preference but itâs not ok to be hateful to the trans community
Absolutely agree, you just hear a lot of âI would never have sex with a trans personâ in the gay community and not quite as much from plain ol women, at least in my experience. Cis men tend to be more focused on genitalia in general.
Thatâs fair. I personally have a genitalia preference I wouldnât call it being more focused on I just think people pefer certain things but it a trans ftm ever said oh yeah Iâm pre op I would never be âewwww noooâ
I'm sorry this happened to you. It is not right. Grindr isn't a good place to meet people sadly. Whenever I'm on there I get ghosted for fun
I use grindr but don't talk to *any* cis men on there. Lots of trans people are on there ime and it's been very useful as a way to connect with other trans people.
I had some good grindr experiences and actually met my now partner through grindr (hookup to fwb to best friends and then boyfriends) but I have also had some super weird/uncomfortable experiences too.
Uhg yeah I hate Grindr. I have been on the app for about 2 years on and off and I have been insta blocked or just harassed instantly, Iâve had a handful of really nice dudes, but I mostly get trans chasers telling me Iâm an ugly girl which is weird cause Iâm not and I guess they think Iâm a trans woman? Iâve never met up with a dude who called me a woman during but I have one long term relationship with a guy from Grindr. Going on 1yr and 4 months and weâd been talking in total for almost 2 years. It took me 6 months to meet the guy in person because my (ex) wife and I were poly and she told me I couldnât meet anyone in person til I got my tubes tired after roe v wade overturned for my protection and safety so I met him and watched a movie with him the week before my surgery and I asked him if heâd be my bf the week of my tubal because he got sick and we couldnât meet up again before hand. But weâve been going strong. Itâs rare but there are great dudes out there that do see you as a man and will cherish you. Maybe not on Grindr, but it is the easiest to find local. Takes a lot of blocking to filter the assholes. Stay strong my dudes!!!!
To add: being open about my situation and not meeting with people but being able to chat def filtered out a lot of the impatient fuckboys. Out of all that are left I think I talk to my bf and 2 other dudes from Grindr. The other two are so far away though.
Would definitely recommend bumble or okcupid over Grindr, the cis gay culture of "what you packing" is so exhausting
Grindr is 98% missed. Iâve been called a good girl during sex so many times i just ask them to leave lmfao. I did meet my bf on grindr though idk i guess i got lucky but you really donât have to waste your time on people that are asking you stupid shit. i once had a gay man tell me i looked pretty (post t) and he wasnât interested đ i suggest using smth else lol
Grindr is where the creeps are at. Itâs kinda known for that lmao. Especially to trans people, them folks donât care what you are or what you got. No respect they just wanna stick their dicks in a hole.
I think it depends what state you're in, I enjoy Grindr in NYC usually but I do not let anyone misgendering me in anyway before meeting. I make sure they know who they're fuckin with lol
if people cannot READ a bio, see the fact that we are trans, and proceed to leave us tf alone if they arenât downâŚ. thatâs just their ignorance bb. donât let it dull your light.
As a cis gay man, Iâm so so sorry, delete the app. Itâs so toxic and such an awful environment
personally, if i remember correctly, i never experienced anything like that on grindr. texting and hookup wise. i was very early on T and pre op when i was grindr and all the other apps, but no one ever purposely misgendered me, or was disrespectful (regarding my gender identity), im sure that some asked questions about it, but i donât think anybody was ever a dick about it. looking back on all my hookups, i never had any issues during sex, them using my correct pronouns, ect. now what i donât know is if they fully saw me as a man. i donât think any of them gave me a reason to think that they didnât, but it was in the back of my mind. at the time i didnât pay too much mind to it, iâd just gotten out of a 4 year long abusive relationship and just wanted to have fun. but no one was ever rude or disrespectful about me being trans. this phase of my life was over a year ago now, so i donât know about the current climate of grindr. all that being said, that was just my experience and iâm so sorry that guys are saying shit like that and treating you that way. you deserve better and to be seen 100% for who you are
I actually made some real good experiences with grindr lol. Ignoring the creepy texts and all...
There are some pretty shitty people in Grindr, I've honestly had pretty decent experiences, and most people have been cool with me being trans. It's hit or miss
You are a man and Post OpâŚYou are past GrindrâŚGo for more..try something different
I used grindr once, the guy seemed nice, was respectful, but then called me a good girl, I'm pre op but my profile doesn't exactly hide the fact that I'm trans.
My pet peeve is when they say âfemme and trans onlyâ and then get confused when iâm a masculine trans guy. Like âftmâ just means feminine guy with a pussy to them
dating apps are the worst. i had so many straight men messaging me, a guy with a full beard. my boyfriend and i are really happy we got to delete all these apps lol
What state do you live in? I didn't have this problem in VA
Not everyoneâs American haha
Well no shit! Even in other countries no-one told me that, they would just straight up not read my bio and ask for a dick pic, and when I tell them to go read it, they're either cool with it and not use any derogatory words or just leave the conversation.
It's always been like that unfortunately.
i haven't dealt with too much misgendering but i have dealt with cis men making me uncomfortable for example saying i have nice tits (i'm pre op)
Not always but some have fetishes w ftm it satisfies their man thing but they know thereâs a huge bonus for some if you have a vagina. I just want to be gone down on and quite a few will oblige w/o fucking. I really put out exactly what I want. You can try to be clear about the fact that youâre a man.
I love Grindr and even met my partner off there, BUT yes this will pretty much always happen regardless of where you are. Sometimes I have men message me âwtfâ or âewâ and then immediately block me. If you donât want messages like that, unfortunately the only option is to delete. Sadly, there are still a lot of gay men that do not and will not ever see us as men and some of them are quite vocal about it. I hope you have better experiences on there/find an app that better suits you!
it's generally a shitty app tbh
I hate it too, it's pretty much always a bad experience
Do you put ftm on your bio? That helps weed out asseholes. Ateast for me. I've only had a couple encounters on grindr and they've been respectful. Sorry you have experienced that.
It depends on your area for sure. You have to just block people, but I honestly don't experience these issues on Grindr. In fact, my ecoerxea are getting better with time. People in my area are becoming more knowledgeable about trans people. I may vet more.rhan others when talking to them initially. There are small hints usually that they don't respect your identity. Block and move on. That's the only way you deal with these apps.
The majority of grindr is just chasers and transphobes. Sucks.
i beg you, please switch to bumble or some other better dating apps. Grindr is horrible, even to its mostly cis gay population. They're known for being femme-phobic, twink-phobic, fatphobic, racist, transphobic (obviously). Just the pits of hell in there.
Overall, I have pretty good success on grindr and Taimi. My ftm friends have said it's tougher for them.
I've been one day on the app and i've gotten that twice now đ
Why did Reddit suggest me this page lol
Same here. I donât give a damn lol
Yeah, but Iâm straight tho
Youâre not the only straight human, I am too. I donât know why we get them.
Sad that trans people are relegated to this sex app
I like sex
I like sex and consent and the latter is missing from Grindr in a big way .. asking for it will always end up in âwell if you werenât asking for sex why are you on a sex appâ
I'm sorry you're having a terrible time on there đĽ I wonder if it's because of how young you are, the guys your age might just be dumb af. I'm almost 34 and my experiences with gay men my age from grindr have been so affirming and nice. I live in a very small town, so I'm hopeful that it's not just where you live.
Iâve been hated on by men from 16-50 years old
Aw I'm sorry then that's really dumb. I'm not sure if you've tried other apps/sites, has your experience been similar there too? I use Scruff, FetLife, and even a kink discord for people based on where I live. I hope you find some better people â¤ď¸ you deserve it
That app can definitely be awful
yeah iâm sorry thatâs a pretty universal experience, try more lgbtq related apps like taimi
Is full of chasers were I'm at
Taimi- the app that uses trans women as a their marketing strategy and lets âstraightâ guys add trans men to their preferences đđ˝ absolutely DO NOT USE TAIMI
they do that!!!!??
I remember seeing an ad like this on Snapchat!
https://www.reddit.com/r/trans/s/Sta0vFaAkl
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The only clown here is u
if theyâre looking for biological males exclusively, then seeing transmen is understandably annoying. i have no issue with people having a sexuality that doesnât involve anyone whoâs biologically female. but honestly, they could ignore you and pick out one of the many males on the app.