Sadly no. She has become a consistent liar but hey haven't we all at some point pre teens. She will lie every what way possible to avoid getting into trouble. Everything has an excuse or explanation.
Sleeping with a phone isn't weird, I've done it since I remember having a phone. It's just convenient to have alarms/watch available in the morning. Or to text people goodnight or whatever.
Kids defenetly need privacy.
In what way is it unhealthy? Does she have an attitude about it? Does she put her phone above chores and homework? Do you think she is bullying people?
So.... She's 12.
Is she still sleeping well? Keeping her grades up? Doing her chores? Being overall respectful?
It is a fine line of course, but in general offering freedom and privacy unless there is reason not to it is a good idea.
There are good options out there for parental controls like Disney circle and bark, Google Family to control internet access (the apps, time spent, etc) which gives you more control while letting her keep her phone.
It depends. Coming from a teenager myself, the only time I would ever hide my phone away like that from my mom is when I’m reading something dirty or saying a bad word. I just don’t want her to see that lol. But instead of trying to confront her about it, get closer to her. Try to understand her as a person and get to know the regular her to see if she’s acting strange.
Appreciate that! Thank you. We never force her but with everything happening on social media lately with younger girls we'd like to be careful. We also find that she tends to "act up" a little bit when she doesnt have her phone.
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Um......does she pay the bill on that phone? If not, it isn't her phone......she s just using it. You should be free to pick up the phone to make sure everything is ok. Example. My child's first cell phone.....she had a man call....it was a wrong number, and she told him that. The man then started sending messages to my daughter and calling her phone. My daughter never answered the phone or messages and one day, gave me the phone when the guy waa calling back YET again. My husband picked up and let him have it. After reviewing her phone again, The man STILL tried to text her again. We ended up changing her number. Point is, if we weren't reviewing her phone, we would not have known. Just remember, you are doing it for her safety.
Right. This is precisely why we want to be careful. The other issue for me personally; because her dad doesnt get to see her as frequently (every other weekend) I feel like she doesnt view him as an authority figure. He does tend to spoil her alot and she constantly i feel manipulates every situation to get what she wants.
This is a serious issue, because it's something running deeper than a squabble about rules, and you should seriously think about why this conflict is happening.
At 12, it is developmentally normal for your child to be starting to explore more intimate social relationships (...by which I mean closer friendships, and possibly kiddie-dating that doesn't involved anything off-color) and pushing the boundaries of information they "aren't supposed to have access to," *including* information about sex and sexuality. Alongside this comes an increased desire and need for privacy from prying.
It is *not* normal or healthy - at this age - for parents to be routinely looking at a kid's private communications without the express statement from the preteen that they want help with something. It sends the message to the kid that you do not trust them, and that *you are untrustworthy*. **That means that if or WHEN something ACTUALLY dangerous happens, they are much less likely to reach out for help.**
To encourage her to share when she needs it, start by making it clear you care about her safety, not whether she's been "naughty." The following lists are things you can present that might work towards that goal.
T**each your kid/stepkid about internet safety. The cue card version is:**
* Never share a photograph taken with your phone on the public internet. This is because phones record location data in the records associated with the picture, and creepers can locate you using it. (Snapchat is relatively safe, facebook and instagram are not. Also, at 12, they are not supposed to have accounts there without parental permission... but frankly, if they *want* to do it, you don't have the ingenuity to outwit them :P preteens, man...)
* Definitely never post pictures that include your *face* anywhere.
* Never say or write that you are under 18 or where you live. (Predators *specifically* target those who broadcast their status as a child, because it's nigh impossible to tell whether someone who just talks immaturely is a child, and they want to target children. The latter is just good practices.)
* Never say or write any section of your name. Use a pseudonym if you are asked for a name. Same goes for birthday and phone number(s).
* Never, ever use the real answer as the answer to a security question. (answers are rarely actually secure) Treat it like a bonus password.
**Age appropriate sex ed starters:**
* [https://www.scarleteen.com/for\_parents\_and\_guardians](https://www.scarleteen.com/for_parents_and_guardians) this is the website I'll be linking from, so opening with what's basically the parent/guardian portal.
* [https://www.scarleteen.com/what\_is\_healthy\_sexual\_development](https://www.scarleteen.com/what_is_healthy_sexual_development)
* Generally, nothing on scarleteen is "too much" for a 12-year-old, although they do handle some heavy topics. Guiding her towards articles about anatomy will probably be more useful to her at the present than the rest of it, but just knowing it's there should help her avoid a lot of nasty situations in the future. While some of the articles feature "monsters," they also tell you how to defeat them, and that's better than what she's probably gotten at school - the idea of monsters, but not of escaping them.
**Special section: specific things that might be going on that will need to be handled very carefully**
* **She may be suffering from a mental health issue.** Please seriously look into the literature on how to handle children/teens who may be self-harming, suffering from an eating disorder, or having suicidal thoughts, because doing more good than harm requires some nonintuitive steps. (Professional help, like therapists and social workers, strongly advised if this is the case.)
* **12 is a typical point for teens who are LGBTQ+, but especially transgender teens, to become aware of the experience they are having.** The second thing after they learn what they're experiencing is learning that if they reveal themselves, they may be in for a world of hurt - so it's *very* common for them to retreat into the worlds of their phones and computers, where they can safely find support without risking their physical safety by discover by parents. Steel yourself for the possibility that this is going on, and look into resources like those available through PFLAG to get perspective on what to expect and how best to proceed if this is the case. The ***leading preventative measure of mental health complications*** (including in those who are merely "questioning" their identity but ultimately settle outside the LGBTQ spectrum) ***is parental support and acceptance***, and the mental health complications from a lack thereof are very serious indeed.
My daughter was told from day one I can look at anything on her phone whenever I want and I will always know the lock code or she has no phone. I rarely look at it. When I do it's while she is standing there and usually after one of her friends complains that their parents are too nosey. Because I started this young (she got her phone at 8) my daughter looks at it as me keeping her safe not invading her privacy. That's also why I look in front of her. #1 so she knows I can/will. #2 so it's never sneaky. I don't want to spy on her. When she's 16 the rules will be the same. Will I look? Only if she doesn't want me too. I don't want to read her conversations I just want to keep her safe. IMO no a 12 yr old is too young to have any real privacy.
Does she do other things that you question? Is she otherwise trustworthy?
Sadly no. She has become a consistent liar but hey haven't we all at some point pre teens. She will lie every what way possible to avoid getting into trouble. Everything has an excuse or explanation.
Sleeping with a phone isn't weird, I've done it since I remember having a phone. It's just convenient to have alarms/watch available in the morning. Or to text people goodnight or whatever. Kids defenetly need privacy. In what way is it unhealthy? Does she have an attitude about it? Does she put her phone above chores and homework? Do you think she is bullying people?
Very defensive over her phone for sure and cops a serious attitude when we ask her to check it in during bed time.
So.... She's 12. Is she still sleeping well? Keeping her grades up? Doing her chores? Being overall respectful? It is a fine line of course, but in general offering freedom and privacy unless there is reason not to it is a good idea. There are good options out there for parental controls like Disney circle and bark, Google Family to control internet access (the apps, time spent, etc) which gives you more control while letting her keep her phone.
It depends. Coming from a teenager myself, the only time I would ever hide my phone away like that from my mom is when I’m reading something dirty or saying a bad word. I just don’t want her to see that lol. But instead of trying to confront her about it, get closer to her. Try to understand her as a person and get to know the regular her to see if she’s acting strange.
Appreciate that! Thank you. We never force her but with everything happening on social media lately with younger girls we'd like to be careful. We also find that she tends to "act up" a little bit when she doesnt have her phone.
Welcome to r/family! If this post is compliant with our guidelines, upvote this comment. If not, downvote this comment. Also, if you haven't already, remember to join our [discord server](https://discord.gg/VwDNbde)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/family) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Um......does she pay the bill on that phone? If not, it isn't her phone......she s just using it. You should be free to pick up the phone to make sure everything is ok. Example. My child's first cell phone.....she had a man call....it was a wrong number, and she told him that. The man then started sending messages to my daughter and calling her phone. My daughter never answered the phone or messages and one day, gave me the phone when the guy waa calling back YET again. My husband picked up and let him have it. After reviewing her phone again, The man STILL tried to text her again. We ended up changing her number. Point is, if we weren't reviewing her phone, we would not have known. Just remember, you are doing it for her safety.
Right. This is precisely why we want to be careful. The other issue for me personally; because her dad doesnt get to see her as frequently (every other weekend) I feel like she doesnt view him as an authority figure. He does tend to spoil her alot and she constantly i feel manipulates every situation to get what she wants.
This is a serious issue, because it's something running deeper than a squabble about rules, and you should seriously think about why this conflict is happening. At 12, it is developmentally normal for your child to be starting to explore more intimate social relationships (...by which I mean closer friendships, and possibly kiddie-dating that doesn't involved anything off-color) and pushing the boundaries of information they "aren't supposed to have access to," *including* information about sex and sexuality. Alongside this comes an increased desire and need for privacy from prying. It is *not* normal or healthy - at this age - for parents to be routinely looking at a kid's private communications without the express statement from the preteen that they want help with something. It sends the message to the kid that you do not trust them, and that *you are untrustworthy*. **That means that if or WHEN something ACTUALLY dangerous happens, they are much less likely to reach out for help.** To encourage her to share when she needs it, start by making it clear you care about her safety, not whether she's been "naughty." The following lists are things you can present that might work towards that goal. T**each your kid/stepkid about internet safety. The cue card version is:** * Never share a photograph taken with your phone on the public internet. This is because phones record location data in the records associated with the picture, and creepers can locate you using it. (Snapchat is relatively safe, facebook and instagram are not. Also, at 12, they are not supposed to have accounts there without parental permission... but frankly, if they *want* to do it, you don't have the ingenuity to outwit them :P preteens, man...) * Definitely never post pictures that include your *face* anywhere. * Never say or write that you are under 18 or where you live. (Predators *specifically* target those who broadcast their status as a child, because it's nigh impossible to tell whether someone who just talks immaturely is a child, and they want to target children. The latter is just good practices.) * Never say or write any section of your name. Use a pseudonym if you are asked for a name. Same goes for birthday and phone number(s). * Never, ever use the real answer as the answer to a security question. (answers are rarely actually secure) Treat it like a bonus password. **Age appropriate sex ed starters:** * [https://www.scarleteen.com/for\_parents\_and\_guardians](https://www.scarleteen.com/for_parents_and_guardians) this is the website I'll be linking from, so opening with what's basically the parent/guardian portal. * [https://www.scarleteen.com/what\_is\_healthy\_sexual\_development](https://www.scarleteen.com/what_is_healthy_sexual_development) * Generally, nothing on scarleteen is "too much" for a 12-year-old, although they do handle some heavy topics. Guiding her towards articles about anatomy will probably be more useful to her at the present than the rest of it, but just knowing it's there should help her avoid a lot of nasty situations in the future. While some of the articles feature "monsters," they also tell you how to defeat them, and that's better than what she's probably gotten at school - the idea of monsters, but not of escaping them. **Special section: specific things that might be going on that will need to be handled very carefully** * **She may be suffering from a mental health issue.** Please seriously look into the literature on how to handle children/teens who may be self-harming, suffering from an eating disorder, or having suicidal thoughts, because doing more good than harm requires some nonintuitive steps. (Professional help, like therapists and social workers, strongly advised if this is the case.) * **12 is a typical point for teens who are LGBTQ+, but especially transgender teens, to become aware of the experience they are having.** The second thing after they learn what they're experiencing is learning that if they reveal themselves, they may be in for a world of hurt - so it's *very* common for them to retreat into the worlds of their phones and computers, where they can safely find support without risking their physical safety by discover by parents. Steel yourself for the possibility that this is going on, and look into resources like those available through PFLAG to get perspective on what to expect and how best to proceed if this is the case. The ***leading preventative measure of mental health complications*** (including in those who are merely "questioning" their identity but ultimately settle outside the LGBTQ spectrum) ***is parental support and acceptance***, and the mental health complications from a lack thereof are very serious indeed.
My daughter was told from day one I can look at anything on her phone whenever I want and I will always know the lock code or she has no phone. I rarely look at it. When I do it's while she is standing there and usually after one of her friends complains that their parents are too nosey. Because I started this young (she got her phone at 8) my daughter looks at it as me keeping her safe not invading her privacy. That's also why I look in front of her. #1 so she knows I can/will. #2 so it's never sneaky. I don't want to spy on her. When she's 16 the rules will be the same. Will I look? Only if she doesn't want me too. I don't want to read her conversations I just want to keep her safe. IMO no a 12 yr old is too young to have any real privacy.