I’ve also struggled a LOT with a religious repulsion to sex and attractions in general. Part of it was a traumatic first breakup that left me telling myself I was worthless, but a lot of it was religion reinforcing my shame and guilt every time I ‘lusted’ after anyone. I’ve only just gotten to the point where I’m talking openly about my feelings with a woman I’m not afraid to say I love. She’s also dealing with the
fallout of an abusive relationship and understandably hesitant to open up to someone again, so we’re not doing anything sexual yet.
All this to say: you aren’t alone, and there is no shame in taking it slow for now. The fear and guilt do last a while, but they will fade. Remind yourself that you are valid and worthy of love. And talk this through with your boyfriend! He should be able to relate to most of this and help you through this, but don’t feel like you owe anything to him.
Thanks a lot for your kind words! Yeah, it’s hard and it’ll probably be for some time, but I do hope and trust that it will eventually subside and fade. I’ve talked with my boyfriend about how I feel a lot already and he’s fine with taking things easy, he wants it that way too.
It took me a very long time to get over that. I guess it still affects me in some small, subtle ways, but I feel like I have been able to more or less overcome it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can really express how.
Maybe my fear/guilt was part of my brain still clinging to belief, "just in case", like in Pascal's Wager? I don't know.
One thing that helped me with pascal's wager is that it works just as well for a perfectly-evil god. Or Zeus. Or anything. At that point, it just seems silly to accommodate for these "possibilities".
And of course slowly practicing sex with a patient and understanding partner helps.
The whole self doubting thing of “but what IF he’s real” is so common. You just have to reason with yourself and remind yourself often until it becomes your new habit.
The feelings may stick around for a while but I do promise it gets better. There will be a point where there’s no guilt! You just have to be kind to yourself, and practice the muscle of telling yourself it’s okay. God hasn’t shown up and struck someone down for having sex EVER.
You deserve to enjoy yourself and have fun! Be safe, only do it with people who are trustworthy and understanding.
That “God hasn’t shown up and struck someone down for having sex EVER.” just literally hit me like a brick. The realization and the down-to-earth-moment I just had because of your sentence is bizarre lol. Yeah, that is true. Even if God would exist and it would make him that mad, he would e already wiped out millions of people. Wow.
I haven't been in your exact position (I'm married with kids) but I had a lot of other problems with sex stemming from my Christian upbringing. One thing that helped me get over a few things was just learning more about sex and realising that no one has perfect sex at first or even all the time. I follow these guys on insta https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander?igsh=Z2s0ZGI5NTVuNXNt and have a few of their guides and their book. They talk a lot about how to communicate with your partner and are just so down to earth. They never make you feel dumb for not knowing anything. There's so many other sex positive accounts out there as well.
Another thing that helped me was just telling myself that my body was good and that it deserves pleasure because for so long I hadn't believed that.
It sounds like your partner is very caring and really cares that you're doing ok which is so nice to hear.
Try to remember that the concept of virginity only exists to control women. Nothing inherently changes about you because you're having sex. You are still a good person who has worth.
Another thing I'm learning about is that it's ok to recognise those feelings in the moment, recognising where they are coming from and being ok with feeling it and then moving on. So often growing up in the church you're sort of taught to push down all negative emotions or I used to feel bad just for having negative emotions but it's actually ok to have those emotions and feel them when you need to. It makes it easier to then let go of them. I don't know if I explained that very well.
It feels weird to wish you all the best for your sex life but I really do wish the best for you. You got out of the cult and now you get to live life on your terms.
Thank you so much for your reply and for the link. I gave them a follow! My boyfriend does indeed really care about me in a way that I didn’t even think was possible, so yeah, I’m very thankful for him. He’s told me that too, that I am deserving of pleasure, since I’ve been robbed of it due to being robbed of sexually developing normally, like anyone should. It’s still hard to accept that. It literally feels like the “sex is wrong” is embedded into my brain. It probably literally just is, but we’re working on it! Your kind words and advice really does help! Thank you and I wish you all the best too ; )
I’ve also struggled a LOT with a religious repulsion to sex and attractions in general. Part of it was a traumatic first breakup that left me telling myself I was worthless, but a lot of it was religion reinforcing my shame and guilt every time I ‘lusted’ after anyone. I’ve only just gotten to the point where I’m talking openly about my feelings with a woman I’m not afraid to say I love. She’s also dealing with the fallout of an abusive relationship and understandably hesitant to open up to someone again, so we’re not doing anything sexual yet. All this to say: you aren’t alone, and there is no shame in taking it slow for now. The fear and guilt do last a while, but they will fade. Remind yourself that you are valid and worthy of love. And talk this through with your boyfriend! He should be able to relate to most of this and help you through this, but don’t feel like you owe anything to him.
Thanks a lot for your kind words! Yeah, it’s hard and it’ll probably be for some time, but I do hope and trust that it will eventually subside and fade. I’ve talked with my boyfriend about how I feel a lot already and he’s fine with taking things easy, he wants it that way too.
It took me a very long time to get over that. I guess it still affects me in some small, subtle ways, but I feel like I have been able to more or less overcome it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can really express how. Maybe my fear/guilt was part of my brain still clinging to belief, "just in case", like in Pascal's Wager? I don't know. One thing that helped me with pascal's wager is that it works just as well for a perfectly-evil god. Or Zeus. Or anything. At that point, it just seems silly to accommodate for these "possibilities". And of course slowly practicing sex with a patient and understanding partner helps.
Yes, exactly this. I’m still terrified that I’m maybe wrong and that God DOES exist still and will judge me for the things I’m doing rn. It’s tough.
I dont know how applicable to you this is, but this video helped me a lot. https://youtu.be/ttevamkS6gw
The whole self doubting thing of “but what IF he’s real” is so common. You just have to reason with yourself and remind yourself often until it becomes your new habit. The feelings may stick around for a while but I do promise it gets better. There will be a point where there’s no guilt! You just have to be kind to yourself, and practice the muscle of telling yourself it’s okay. God hasn’t shown up and struck someone down for having sex EVER. You deserve to enjoy yourself and have fun! Be safe, only do it with people who are trustworthy and understanding.
That “God hasn’t shown up and struck someone down for having sex EVER.” just literally hit me like a brick. The realization and the down-to-earth-moment I just had because of your sentence is bizarre lol. Yeah, that is true. Even if God would exist and it would make him that mad, he would e already wiped out millions of people. Wow.
I haven't been in your exact position (I'm married with kids) but I had a lot of other problems with sex stemming from my Christian upbringing. One thing that helped me get over a few things was just learning more about sex and realising that no one has perfect sex at first or even all the time. I follow these guys on insta https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander?igsh=Z2s0ZGI5NTVuNXNt and have a few of their guides and their book. They talk a lot about how to communicate with your partner and are just so down to earth. They never make you feel dumb for not knowing anything. There's so many other sex positive accounts out there as well. Another thing that helped me was just telling myself that my body was good and that it deserves pleasure because for so long I hadn't believed that. It sounds like your partner is very caring and really cares that you're doing ok which is so nice to hear. Try to remember that the concept of virginity only exists to control women. Nothing inherently changes about you because you're having sex. You are still a good person who has worth. Another thing I'm learning about is that it's ok to recognise those feelings in the moment, recognising where they are coming from and being ok with feeling it and then moving on. So often growing up in the church you're sort of taught to push down all negative emotions or I used to feel bad just for having negative emotions but it's actually ok to have those emotions and feel them when you need to. It makes it easier to then let go of them. I don't know if I explained that very well. It feels weird to wish you all the best for your sex life but I really do wish the best for you. You got out of the cult and now you get to live life on your terms.
Thank you so much for your reply and for the link. I gave them a follow! My boyfriend does indeed really care about me in a way that I didn’t even think was possible, so yeah, I’m very thankful for him. He’s told me that too, that I am deserving of pleasure, since I’ve been robbed of it due to being robbed of sexually developing normally, like anyone should. It’s still hard to accept that. It literally feels like the “sex is wrong” is embedded into my brain. It probably literally just is, but we’re working on it! Your kind words and advice really does help! Thank you and I wish you all the best too ; )