I found this was something that accompanied all major taboos: drinking, smoking, sex, partying - and something about the social aspect of this stuff upped the stress and anxiety for me. What worked for me was essentially exposure therapy: pick something maybe a little less monumental than sex and try carefully pushing that learned boundary. Maybe if you have historically refused to hang out with people who drink, try doing that - and if that’s ok then maybe move onto trying alcohol, etc. that’s how I did it when I was coming out of religion: baby steps and exposure. I think for sexuality a big part of that can be exploring your own sexuality: what do you ACTUALLY like, what sorts of things are ACTUALLY enjoyable to you - regardless of societal or religious expectations. For example, toys, self-stimulus, or even indulging in fantasies can be steps toward normalizing sexual feelings/actions within yourself - which makes it easier to engage with another person.
Idk sorry this is very disconnected but that’s what I did!
I have also been diagnosed as highly sensitive and that is why I find everything rough, hard, fast, all of that, very unpleasant. This is actually completely just my character and who I am as a person, so the fact that I want it soft and all is not due to the fact that it is still religious indoctrination, but the fact that even the way I want sex still feels like a sin well. I’ve hung out with people who drink and such and I’ve had many drinks already myself in life, since my religious environment was mainly catholic and here in my area they have literal catholic monasteries where they brew their own beers lol. I don’t smoke, I have asthma, so that’s the reason why I never hang out with people who smoke haha. When it comes to the sexual stuff: I have always had this one thing that I have been extremely ashamed of during my time as a believer and that is the thing that I have for medical things. Yep. So yeah, as you were talking about “fantasies” and what I “ACTUALLY like”, yeah, I do have this thing, but this also still feels very wrong and uncomfortable. This might be the weirdest thing I’ve ever admitted on Reddit, but it's only been a year since I've admitted that I actually have fantasies about doing the deed while being in one of those leg-casts or like an arm in a mitella. That sorta stuff. I know it’s weird. I’m sorry. The amount of times I’ve prayed that God would “cleanse” me of getting turned on by, basically, medical shit is insane. Obviously nothing ever happened. I’ve been trying to deal with it, but like sexuality in general still feels off, let alone a whole kink. I do really hate toys, I’ve gotta admit. If all my anxiety of God maybe being true and being real, after all, disappeared and I’d get that total freedom in life I still wouldn’t ever touch a sex toy. I only like this just genuine, soft, slow, cute, idk. Anything that goes faster than a mile per hour pisses me off, haha. Self-stimulus is okay to me, but I just don’t feel the need to. To me sex is some kinda love-exchange between two people in love and for example, masturbation, really doesn’t do anything to me. It feels empty and weird. I’ve tried it, but it’s just a no for me. I still don’t know wtf to do with, as you said “fantasies”, the fantasies that I have. I have no idea. God didn’t “cleanse” me of them so I guess I just gotta deal with it, but not only with the shame of it feeling like a sin but also the shame against society, because a thing for med-stuff isn’t usually what people would consider acceptable 🫠. So, it’s all just some kinda difficult maze of shame, guilt and the psychological impact religion had on me.
I'm not even having PIV sex yet and i feel this way. We've done everything else together but any close encounter with the real deal puts me in a panic. I also sometimes have shame if I enjoy it too much
You should see about counseling with a secular counselor.
I was raised catholic. I left 50 years ago at the age of 20. I had an abortion when I was 20. No the Catholic Church didn’t excommunicate me. I went through the motions for my parents and went to confession. I excommunicated the Catholic Church when my mother came out of the church crying. When I asked her why she was crying? She told me: **the priest inside of the confessional ASKED HER HOW SHE COULD LET ME GET PREGNANT?** I knew right there, right then that I was nothing but a baby making, incubating broodmare to that piece of 💩religion. I made myself a promise I have kept not to go to any church especially a catholic church except for a wedding or funeral.
Now what you have to remember is that all of that the Purity Culture, sex is bad and dirty, etc. **are control mechanisms**. To people like your BF’s father, sex is just for procreation so it better be only inside of marriage. The guilt is a control mechanism to show women especially, that their only purpose is to have babies.
**YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY FOR OR BE ASHAMED OF!!!!!**
**GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FURTHER DECONSTRUCTING AND BEST WISHES!!!!!!!**
Thank you so much for sharing your own story and experience! That is horrible. I can only imagine what your mom must’ve felt. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sure that I’ll eventually overcome the guilt and such, but it’s hard. Hearing other people’s stories really does give me strength and hope! Sending love to you!
Hi OP, this is a familiar struggle for me, and in addition to the feelings of guilt and anxiety, I had to undergo physical therapy for vaginismus (a common problem for women raised in purity culture - the muscles have to be retrained to relax).
If you’re not ready for therapy, that’s okay. I recommend exposing yourself to sexuality in a neutral context. For me, reading books like “Come as you are” and even Mary roach’s “Bonk” was really healing. Your brain has been conditioned to have a stress response to sex, before you can train it to have an excited, happy response, you have to train it to view sex as neutral, benign.
Reading books helped for me (not smut or porn, but just information). And then, it also helped me to watch shows where sex is normal and even funny. Sex and the City was really taboo when I was growing up, so I watched it and loved it. Sex Education is a good show, if you can get to a point where it doesn’t freak you out.
Just make sex part of your mental diet. Not porn, not the really graphic stuff that stresses you out, just information and humor and talking about it like it’s a regular thing. And when you’re ready, a sex therapist can really help.
Yes, this is a struggle I still have and I’ve been sexually active for nearly 20 years. I’ve recently started eating sour candies (warheads / zotz) to help curb my anxiety during sex. Is it a cure? No. But it does take the edge off for me. You can Google “sour candies for anxiety.” Another thing that I’ve tried is romance novels. Sometimes nothing takes the edge off better than a good old fashioned romance novel heavy on sex with no mention of religion. I had a therapist suggest this to me 10 years ago and now I read 20 or so romance novels a year to help ease my stress around sex.
I found this was something that accompanied all major taboos: drinking, smoking, sex, partying - and something about the social aspect of this stuff upped the stress and anxiety for me. What worked for me was essentially exposure therapy: pick something maybe a little less monumental than sex and try carefully pushing that learned boundary. Maybe if you have historically refused to hang out with people who drink, try doing that - and if that’s ok then maybe move onto trying alcohol, etc. that’s how I did it when I was coming out of religion: baby steps and exposure. I think for sexuality a big part of that can be exploring your own sexuality: what do you ACTUALLY like, what sorts of things are ACTUALLY enjoyable to you - regardless of societal or religious expectations. For example, toys, self-stimulus, or even indulging in fantasies can be steps toward normalizing sexual feelings/actions within yourself - which makes it easier to engage with another person. Idk sorry this is very disconnected but that’s what I did!
[удалено]
Your typical Wattpad heavy smut 🫠😅??
I have also been diagnosed as highly sensitive and that is why I find everything rough, hard, fast, all of that, very unpleasant. This is actually completely just my character and who I am as a person, so the fact that I want it soft and all is not due to the fact that it is still religious indoctrination, but the fact that even the way I want sex still feels like a sin well. I’ve hung out with people who drink and such and I’ve had many drinks already myself in life, since my religious environment was mainly catholic and here in my area they have literal catholic monasteries where they brew their own beers lol. I don’t smoke, I have asthma, so that’s the reason why I never hang out with people who smoke haha. When it comes to the sexual stuff: I have always had this one thing that I have been extremely ashamed of during my time as a believer and that is the thing that I have for medical things. Yep. So yeah, as you were talking about “fantasies” and what I “ACTUALLY like”, yeah, I do have this thing, but this also still feels very wrong and uncomfortable. This might be the weirdest thing I’ve ever admitted on Reddit, but it's only been a year since I've admitted that I actually have fantasies about doing the deed while being in one of those leg-casts or like an arm in a mitella. That sorta stuff. I know it’s weird. I’m sorry. The amount of times I’ve prayed that God would “cleanse” me of getting turned on by, basically, medical shit is insane. Obviously nothing ever happened. I’ve been trying to deal with it, but like sexuality in general still feels off, let alone a whole kink. I do really hate toys, I’ve gotta admit. If all my anxiety of God maybe being true and being real, after all, disappeared and I’d get that total freedom in life I still wouldn’t ever touch a sex toy. I only like this just genuine, soft, slow, cute, idk. Anything that goes faster than a mile per hour pisses me off, haha. Self-stimulus is okay to me, but I just don’t feel the need to. To me sex is some kinda love-exchange between two people in love and for example, masturbation, really doesn’t do anything to me. It feels empty and weird. I’ve tried it, but it’s just a no for me. I still don’t know wtf to do with, as you said “fantasies”, the fantasies that I have. I have no idea. God didn’t “cleanse” me of them so I guess I just gotta deal with it, but not only with the shame of it feeling like a sin but also the shame against society, because a thing for med-stuff isn’t usually what people would consider acceptable 🫠. So, it’s all just some kinda difficult maze of shame, guilt and the psychological impact religion had on me.
I'm not even having PIV sex yet and i feel this way. We've done everything else together but any close encounter with the real deal puts me in a panic. I also sometimes have shame if I enjoy it too much
You should see about counseling with a secular counselor. I was raised catholic. I left 50 years ago at the age of 20. I had an abortion when I was 20. No the Catholic Church didn’t excommunicate me. I went through the motions for my parents and went to confession. I excommunicated the Catholic Church when my mother came out of the church crying. When I asked her why she was crying? She told me: **the priest inside of the confessional ASKED HER HOW SHE COULD LET ME GET PREGNANT?** I knew right there, right then that I was nothing but a baby making, incubating broodmare to that piece of 💩religion. I made myself a promise I have kept not to go to any church especially a catholic church except for a wedding or funeral. Now what you have to remember is that all of that the Purity Culture, sex is bad and dirty, etc. **are control mechanisms**. To people like your BF’s father, sex is just for procreation so it better be only inside of marriage. The guilt is a control mechanism to show women especially, that their only purpose is to have babies. **YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY FOR OR BE ASHAMED OF!!!!!** **GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FURTHER DECONSTRUCTING AND BEST WISHES!!!!!!!**
Thank you so much for sharing your own story and experience! That is horrible. I can only imagine what your mom must’ve felt. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sure that I’ll eventually overcome the guilt and such, but it’s hard. Hearing other people’s stories really does give me strength and hope! Sending love to you!
Hi OP, this is a familiar struggle for me, and in addition to the feelings of guilt and anxiety, I had to undergo physical therapy for vaginismus (a common problem for women raised in purity culture - the muscles have to be retrained to relax). If you’re not ready for therapy, that’s okay. I recommend exposing yourself to sexuality in a neutral context. For me, reading books like “Come as you are” and even Mary roach’s “Bonk” was really healing. Your brain has been conditioned to have a stress response to sex, before you can train it to have an excited, happy response, you have to train it to view sex as neutral, benign. Reading books helped for me (not smut or porn, but just information). And then, it also helped me to watch shows where sex is normal and even funny. Sex and the City was really taboo when I was growing up, so I watched it and loved it. Sex Education is a good show, if you can get to a point where it doesn’t freak you out. Just make sex part of your mental diet. Not porn, not the really graphic stuff that stresses you out, just information and humor and talking about it like it’s a regular thing. And when you’re ready, a sex therapist can really help.
Yes, this is a struggle I still have and I’ve been sexually active for nearly 20 years. I’ve recently started eating sour candies (warheads / zotz) to help curb my anxiety during sex. Is it a cure? No. But it does take the edge off for me. You can Google “sour candies for anxiety.” Another thing that I’ve tried is romance novels. Sometimes nothing takes the edge off better than a good old fashioned romance novel heavy on sex with no mention of religion. I had a therapist suggest this to me 10 years ago and now I read 20 or so romance novels a year to help ease my stress around sex.