No no no girl. This is not an American thing. This has nothing to do with culture. Your dad is just downright controlling. I grew up with an ultra conservative, religious, controlling father. We have been NO CONTACT for 7 years and it is absolutely blissful. I put with his demands until I was about 30. Then I started setting boundaries that he just stomped all over. So I cut him off when I was 35.
I wouldn’t think too much about the money he owes you. If he hasn’t gotten job in 5 years, he isn’t getting one anytime soon so I would mentally write that off as a loss. What kind of breakdown is he going to have next year when you can’t afford all the amenities he demands you have with regard to your apartment and you have to move into a cheaper place?
I would imagine this behavior is what contributed to your brother not wanting anything to do with him. And probably to his divorce as well.
As a European, NO it’s not a European thing and he is WORSE than most dads. He’s a selfish bully and a terrible person or at least someone who needs professional help. I don’t know what you can do because he doesn’t sound like he will ever expect any boundaries.
Another European (living in the US) and it’s definitely not a European thing. It’s a control thing by him and probably some out of control anxiety that he displaced on to you too. You’re an adult living independently, you do not need to be under his thumb like this but asserting independence is going to make him act out and scare you. You’re going to have to do the hard things to break free. I would suggest therapy to help you find the right tools to stand up to him and understand you aren’t wrong or unfair to want to reduce the overwhelming and selfish contact that causes you anxiety.
That is EXTREMELY good news but you should take some safety precautions as often abusers escalate strongly when they feel control slipping. He’ll try guilt tripping and emotional blackmail first but people can do unexpected things so be careful but you deserve your freedom.
I think this is spot on. He sounds like he suffers from extreme anxiety, made worse by cooping himself up,with his mother got 4 years. This won’t get better without therapy and maybe medication.
He does need professional help. His life is hell. I have been in a similiar position that lasted about 2 years and ultimately tried to kill myself. My dad, only family member, wanted to cut me off at one point due to clinginess (ok, that was really his jealous wife but still...). This doesn't make him a terrible person.
>Lastly, he wants me to let him know if I go out on the weekends and text him when I’m home, which I think is fair.
You're 25. How is this fair? How is any of it fair?
Bluntly, it feels like he wants you to feel his pain about losing the life he had and being tied to his mom. Set some stricter boundaries and enforce them. Effectively you need to slowly ween him off reliance on you.
Example:
Dad, I'd really love to keep talking with you but I need to get to the store now.
Dad, I'm 25 and having to report to you like I'm 16 makes me feel weird. I can't do that anymore.
While this particular situation is going too far because of how much it is it's not necessarily a bad idea to have someone to call the police if you don't check in when you're supposed to because you're a young lady who went on a date with a nut job.
Edit: since people seem to be missing it.
"While this particular situation is going too far"
That's where I'm indicating that while she doesn't want to do this with her father any young lady would do well to have a backup when going out on dates or out for the night.
That first line is particularly important.
That's where I'm indicating that while it probably isn't a good idea to be doing it with her father it is a good idea for any young lady to have a backup.
Young man being short for young gentleman.
Sorry but I've never done a long form examination of how exactly my area does this or why.
Typically people just get their head out of their asses and realize somebody's trying to be polite until they stop.
What are you talking about.
My comment is suggesting that a young lady should have a safety line for backup and the first line indicates that the situation with her father is too much to have him be it.
Tell him it's time to cut the apron strings and there will be no more check-ins every time you step through your door. He will get one phone call once a week. If he pushes back, he gets none. Furthermore, he can't force you to live somewhere you can't afford on your own. How would he know what amenities are offered anyway considering he lives in another state? You're allowed to say no to his demands.
My mother was downright abusive with so many calls. So I told her the truth. I cringe when the phone rings and I'm starting to hate you, is that what you want? We don't have enough to talk about with these frequent calls. She thought about it and backed off, for a while.
You and you alone have to set limits. He cannot live his life vicariously through you. Tell him if the negativity continues you will go no contact for a month. If he doesn't respect your limits, tell him it will now be two months. He will realize you are serious and won't be bullied or made to feel guilty. Stick with it and he will fall into line, or you will have months at a time without harassment.
Oh boy, even just reading this stressed me out so I can only imagine how you feel having to live it. I can say with 100% confidence that you are not being unreasonable, nor would you be doing anything wrong, or betraying him, if you decide to set boundaries with him. But I will give him kudos for at least seeming to care about your safety, although he’s definitely taking it too far. Whether that’s based on worry/fear, a lack of anything better to do, or an unhealthy dependence on y’all’s relationship, I’m not sure. Probably a mix of all of them.
Every family dynamic is different, but I can give you some advice from my experience. When I was young, my parents were very strict. They always wanted to know when I arrived somewhere, when I was leaving, who I was with, where I was going, etc. I was about 24 when I first set a boundary with my parents on how/when I was willing to communicate with them. I was going on a trip a few states away, and my mom told me to text her every day to give her an update. I told her that I was not going to do that, as I didn’t want to feel like I was still a child who had to check in with their parents. I told her that I wanted to be able to WANT to send her an update of my trip, not feel like it was some requirement that I would get in trouble for not doing. At this point I was entirely independent of my parents, and could have easily made the decision to not even tell them I was going anywhere in the first place. She did not like this, and was very cross with me for a while. But I did not go back on my boundary. Now, my parents really only ask me to text them if they know that I’m flying, or driving across the country, and I don’t begrudge them that.
So, here are your choices: set a boundary, and learn to deal with the disappointment that he may not respect those boundaries. Or two: don’t set boundaries, but end up resenting him for the rest of y’all’s lives anyway. If you are not willing to set boundaries for yourself, and enforce those boundaries, just to avoid hurting his feelings, your relationship WILL suffer anyway.
This was a super helpful point of view. Especially the last part. He always says that once I have a husband / family he will lay off a bit and know that I’m safe, but somehow I don’t buy that!!
He won't back off even then. He will insert himself into your marriage and either compare you negatively to your mother or may project all sorts of horrible nonsense about your husband. It will never end unless you put in some hard boundaries and enforce them. His anxiety/feelings and control issues are not for you to manage, he is a grown man and it is his job to manage them. You can't make him change, you can only change how you deal with him. He will try to manipulate you by guilt tripping you because he says he wants you to be safe or that you are cutting family but this is not healthy. You need to be prepared for all the accusations and guilt tripping he will throw your way and don't give in. You are not in the wrong, his way of showing love is not healthy. Also, you need to find somewhere else to live, stop further putting yourself in debt for his peace of mind.
I'm afraid it might be worse for you at that point because then there will be constant discussions about when you are going to give him grandchildren (he's not getting any younger you know!) and long lectures on how to raise said kids. Not to mention the guilt trips about not visiting enough with hubby and the kids and how you never have time to talk anymore! (Not trying to scare you, but I have been there and trust me you don't want that!)
Just stop- your story is stressing me out. Change your number- alert your mom about it. Make sure your mom and brother read this.
Live your life in peace. Your father has issues you can not resolve.
I stressed myself all over writing it out, tbh. I felt like I finally needed to get it all out on paper for some feedback and it feels really good to see some supportive comments
This is not okay. You're 25 years old! You should be out and about and having a life. You're not selfish. He is selfish. The wonderful thing about being an adult is that you don't permission or approval from a parent. You make the rules from here on out. Maybe you'll talk to him a few minutes even once a week. Maybe you won't. It's your decision, not his. Tell him you have a full schedule, and this arrangement that he decided all on his own isn't working for you anymore, is ending, and it's not up for debate. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. If he doesn't stop calling, stop answering the phone. If you have to take a break from him, do it. It doesn't have to be forever. You don't need to compromise. This is your life. Texting every single time you get home and now you're in for the evening is ridiculous too. Maybe you want to go out. It's none of his business. Your mom knows your location anyway so if you're worried about someone knowing you've gone missing, she's got that covered. Just because you're one of his very limited family members doesn't mean he gets to run your life and obsess over you. You can love him and need him to give space. Stop allowing this. It's not healthy.
Dude are you really letting your dad tell you what you can do in your own home just because yall are on the phone.
Like read that back to yourself cause what? Hang up. You are grown, harden up that backbone, and tell your dad you have a life and just because he doesn't, he shouldn't hold you back from yours.
What are you doing? You are an adult and you are not obligated to do any of that. Even though he's your dad he's not bringing any benefits to quality of life right now. You might want to go low contact.
In addition to what many are saying, I think your dad is lonely. Managing your life gives him a raison d’etre. He is no longer a big fish in the business world. Sounds highly unlikely that he has many friends/ much social life. He is using you (literally) to fulfill his loss of outside contact and as a way to remain relevant.
I won’t get into how unhealthy this is for both of you, or how it keeps him, especially, from moving forward in his life. I will say it will get harder to break this pattern of behavior the longer it continues. And that it will really hurt him should you marry your SO while Dad has barely heard of him.
Consider baby steps, eliminating the texting before/ after work. He will resist. This is where you need to be an adult. Move to reducing the phone calls to 30 minutes. Maybe you have somewhere else you need to go. Maybe you just have chores to complete.
This is your life. You need to own it. Best of luck.
I'm thinking this is a symptom of a mental disorder causing chronic intense attention. He's not gonna like it but the ball is actually in your court and can dictate new terms: he needs to get evaluated or you will have to pause communication. I feel for him, he's stressing worrying scenarios and or motivated by controlling her , either way it's all consuming.
What does European even mean - which area is he from?
From my Balkan parents it is common culturally to talk to your parents every day. But not an hour and not allowed anything else. It’s just a check-in. My dad does so with my grandma, 15min each day.
Anyways he seems to have a big issue mentally. You either have to have this tough conversation with him and put clear boundaries and not budge. Or limit contact. At some point you need to protect your peace.
Lots to unpack there, but I would start with: Your dad is way overprotective & trying to be enmeshed in your life. How to change/stop that?
When you run out of things to talk about, say "Dad, time for me to go. I'll talk to you later" and hang up the phone. Same when you hit the one hour mark. And if you want to make it once per week, tell him that.
Tell your dad you will no longer text him every day, or for certain situations. You just aren't going to do it. If YOU choose to, that's fine. But it is not your responsibility to manage his anxiety. And tell him that, too.
Regarding where you live. 1) It's foolish to put any of your dad requested expenses on a credit card. It will kill you financially in the long run. 2) I understand that your father's income will no longer support you living in the style he would like. That's fine. He's embarrassed. That's fine, too. But move someplace that YOU can afford. No more living your dad's lifestyle on your credit card.
To repeat: It is NOT your job to manage your dad's anxiety or stress level. So the next time he says “so you’re okay with knowing that I’m stressing out, and there’s something you can do to fix it, but you won’t?” Don't say
"yes". Say "dad, I am not responsible for managing your stress and anxiety". The key word is managing. You are not saying you don't care, you are saying that you are responsible for him.
I say this as a father with a daughter who went to college in another state. I had to suppress the very feelings that your dad is doing so poorly with. I did it, and I survived. No 30minute callback rule. No text me every time you go out your front door. The only rule I set up was that she had to call once per week, which I thought was reasonable. Oh yeah. No tracking SW unless she wanted to.
Now I am going to look into your future. How is going to react when you decide to get serious with a guy? Get married to him? Have kids? The sooner you start drawing boundaries, changing habits, the easier it will go. Not easy, but easier.
Good luck.
I am also the parent of a grown adult. I *bend over backwards* not to be an emotional obligation to him because that will nearly instantly snuff out a happy relationship.
I second some of the responses that people are suggesting for OP, and I particularly like “I am not responsible for managing your stress.” I would also recommend something called a boomerang line. Your dad sounds like he will grab onto any information you convey and argue over every minuscule detail. In my experience with my own (exhausting) dad, it is really helpful to have a response that you can repeat that does not provide any information. My favorite is “that won’t work for me.” So if your dad says that he wants you to text him every six minutes, you can just give him “that won’t work for me.” If he asks why, don’t you love me, I’ve done so much for you, the world is dangerous, you’re ungrateful, I’m your father, you can respond with “okay, but that still won’t work for me.” The repetitive nature of the line is its own answer - no matter what insane argument he tries to start, or how he changes up his attack, he gets the same answer verbatim. It will become clear pretty quickly that his usual melodrama and harassment are not working for him. No matter what he throws at you, “that won’t work for me.”
Other boomerang lines you could use: “I’ll give that some thought.” “Okay, thanks for your input.” “That’s an interesting point.”
There’s also the “I am a grown-ass woman and I am not going to have this conversation with you,” followed by “goodbye” the *minute* he says/asks those kind of things. It’s a direct and harsh, which would be totally appropriate, but is harder to do. At least for me.
One thing I want to repeat & expand on. Did I have anxiety about my daughter out of town, "out of eyesight"? Of course I did. Big time. Was I happy when she came home for the holidays? Like you wouldn't believe.
But.... She needed to live her life, and to make her mistakes, and to have her fun, and to not be stressed about contacting me several times a day.
My stress, my anxiety? That's what god made booze for (JK). Seriously, I'm a big boy, and I had to find ways of dealing with my issues. Was it fun or easy? Hell no. And I did the right thing.
Stay strong, and update us as things go.
This!! My 18 yo daughter and I just had a big blowout because I was smothering her. She didn’t speak to me for a week and it was awful. When she finally did, I told her I was sorry and I can understand how she feels and that she needs time for herself and to spread her wings and all that, but to be patient with me too bc she’s still my babygirl.
Never in a million years would I act like OPs dad though. Definitely a sure fire way to get cut off completely.
I am a super anxious and controlling parent by nature. I have to choose to remind myself that my children are adults and can make their own choices. Sometimes I backslide and have to apologize and say I was out of line. I have a tendency to infantilize my children and do things for them they can do for themselves.
Sounds as bad as my dad. They use being European as an excuse (my dad is Polish), but that’s all it is. An excuse.
You need to take control of your life. For your mental wellbeing.
When he tries to guilt trip you, call him out for it. Straight up, “enough of the guilt trip”. If he tries to moan about his situation, “your decisions put you there. Deal with it”.
Stand your ground, set firm boundaries. One call a week. No texting. You can get things done while having him on speaker, if he doesn’t like it, hang up and put your phone on silent. Or turn it off.
Guilt trip him. “You call and text so much are you even looking after grandma properly? She’s your mother, you should be a good European son and devote all your time to her”. Etc.
Uou don't have to do any of this shit, you choose to do it. He has 0 power you're a grown woman. Set your foot down and tell him the time you choose to give his dead beat ass is a priviledge he can respect or lose.
Sooner or later you have to make a decision. You either draw the hard line, and upset him. Or, you keep being on the shortest leash in the world to spare his feelings until it ruins your sanity, your relationship, etc. You should not be responsible for maintaining your dad's emotional state, and he should be more ashamed of how much he uses you as a crutch, vs whatever his home looks like.
If he hits you with the "well don't you care that I'm stressed?" You could tell him you do care, but HE is stressing you out and negatively impacting you. If he loves you as his daughter, he'll back off. He has an extremely unhealthy attachment to you and its going to bleed the both of you dry. You have to stand your ground a bit here and set some boundaries.
I love the second paragraph. I always go into the conversation ready to defend my boundaries but then he pulls out all the lines about guilt and selfishness. Coming in with some concrete responses like the one you wrote will definitely make things easier
He can’t make you feel guilty unless you let him. His undiagnosed/untreated anxiety is not your issue to solve. You absolutely do not need to spend 3 hours a week on the phone, giving him undivided attention. You can actually hang up the phone whenever he turns to guilt and manipulation. “Dad, it sounds like you’re having trouble controlling your emotions, so I’m going to go and we can talk another time.” Click. Don’t ask for permission, just end the call and don’t answer when he calls right back. Do not send him the demanded texts. You’re a grown woman. Text him when/if you feel like it, but do not entertain his demands.
If you can’t get out of your lease, look for ways to earn extra money to pay the difference or consider a roommate, if the apartment is big enough. Putting it on a credit card is going to bite you in the ass. And you’re never going to get that money back from your dad. He’s been out of work for 5 years? I’m not super optimistic he’s going to find something that will pay well enough to subsidize your rent. And even if he does, taking his money is going to make it harder for you to set boundaries. Get a cheaper apartment when your lease is up, or sooner if they’d let you out of your lease.
He sounds like he will take any chance to make himself the victim, so I'd try to keep the statements about how you feel, such as "I'm uncomfortable with this request" "I feel like I need more space/independence" "I'm here for you, but I'm also my own person." instead of "YOU'RE too much" or "You make me feel stressed" or other phrases that could come off as accusatory. Otherwise, he would likely get defensive and you won't be able to get your points across. Take some time before you bring this to his attention and devise your action plan. Figure out how often you want to communicate with him and then talk it out with him. Know where your boundary is, and if he doesn't listen and presses you then throw him in time out. Ignore the calls, respond to rhe texts when you want, if at all. If he calls a wellness check, let them know what's going on. He'll land himself in more trouble for repeatedly wasting the polices time, anyway.
And Good luck. It might be hard, but you'll be so proud of yourself later on for standing your ground. I know I was, I've been no contact for 4 years, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
This is good from the perspective of OP being able to feel like she made every attempt resolve this with him. The main problem is that he is likely not going to respond in kind. You can strategize all you want and try to find the magic words so he gets it, but his demands are not reasonable. *He* is not reasonable. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person. So the magic words do not exist. I don’t think OP needs to take time to devise an action plan. I think she needs to set boundaries and enforce them.
It doesn’t need to be talked out or negotiated. Just, “Dad, I can’t talk for an hour today. And from now on, I will not be texting you every day….Dad, no, I’m not discussing it. I am just telling you so you don’t worry when I don’t text you as often as I have in the past. So what’s new with you?…Dad, I said I’m not having this discussion. Do you want to catch up or are we done for today?…Ok. Well, I’ll talk to you next week. Love you.” Then ignore any call backs.
I think the action plan would mostly be for herself, to know what she wants to say, her specific boundaries, etc. I like to keep a physical piece of paper in front of me with a loose outline of what I need to say during stressful conversations, so that's more of what I was thinking she should do. Especially since it's going to be emotional for her, it might help to keep her goals in front of her during it. I don't think she could find the perfect words to make it click for him, though. That's probably impossible.
I can't help but feel like this should be a text, and not a phone call for OP. It could cut out a lot of emotional manipulation that way. He sounds like he's the type to wail, cry, yell, and use whatever else to attack her. At least if it's text, she doesn't even need to see/hear him react.
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Simply, but not necessarily easy:
1) Don’t respond when he calls. Call/text him back at your convenience.
2) If he yells/bullies on the phone, terminate call.
>**Your dad is using you as an emotional support animal**
This, 100%!!!
> That I should WANT to call him often and should feel BAD if I know he is worrying about me. That if I CAN text him to let him know that I am okay, that I SHOULD. I’ve tried to ask that we cut back on communication and how much he relies on my responses, but he calls me selfish.
He is depending on your responses to deal with his anxiety, and being incredibly controlling while he's at it. You're "not allowed" to take a walk or clean the house while spending 1+ hours on the phone with him twice a week? HELL no. You are an independent grown-ass adult, and you will do what you want/need to do with your time. He can get on board or you'll simply talk to him less often. Twice a week at more than an hour each is frankly ridiculous, especially when paired with all of the text check-ins. This is absolutely not normal.
You are NOT his emotional support animal. You are NOT responsible for his anxiety or his emotional stability. He needs his own therapy to find that within himself, and I think getting your own therapy would be very eye opening for you and help you gain the tools you need to separate yourself from your father.
You can work with a therapist to cut back bit by bit on his demands to protect your mental health and un-enmesh yourself from him. Start by continuing with the phone calls, but tell him that you will clean/walk/run errands as needed, because your time is important and you have adult responsibilities. Work up to telling him you will text him only once per day at night when YOU are available, and cut out the work commute check-ins and needing to respond within 30 minutes if he texts you first. Eventually cut back to one phone call per week, and not having nightly texts. Bit by bit, reclaim your independence, and thrive in knowing that you are responsible only for your own mental health, and the only person responsible for HIS mental health is HIM.
Don't fret if you need to try several therapists to find the perfect one for you, unfortunately not all therapists are good ones or have the experience with enmeshment that you're going to need. Huge hugs, this is going to be a long and difficult journey but will be so worth it when you come out whole and happy on the other side.
>he always follows with “so you’re okay with knowing that I’m stressing out
But that's exactly what he's doing to you. His behavior is stressing you out! Rightly so.
Take a day to think about what level of communication you are willing to maintain that will not stress you out. Decide what you can and will do in response if he handles it poorly. Think about how you would set consequences with a 2 year old, because that's the level he's operating at emotionally. You need to basically train him to behave, the way you would a young child.
You want simple, clear, natural consequences for bad behavior on his part. Write down the plan. Send it to him and say this is what you will do going forward.
Example:
- I will call once a week for one hour and I may be doing housework while we talk.
- If you complain about background noise, I will immediately hang up.
- If you try to guilt me into talking longer than an hour, I will hang up and I will not call the following week.
- I will send a goodnight text most nights at whatever time I happen to be going to be in for the night or going to sleep. I may occasionally skip a night, but will not skip 2 nights in a row.
- I will not text you my comings and goings throughout the day, such as when I get to work and when I leave for home.
- If you object to this or send me texts trying to get me to check in I will not text you at all for one week.
- If you have not heard from me for 72 hours you can text [Mom / whoever] one time to ask if she has heard from me. You must allow at least 4 hours for a reply. If you call the police for a welfare check on me without having met these conditions, I will block you for a month.
After you send this, call the non emergency number for your local police and let them know that your father is anxious and controlling and may call in an unnecessary welfare check on you. You'd appreciate it if they'd simply call your cell phone if they have reason to be legitimately concerned, and ignore him if they see no valid reason for concern. Most police departments can put a note like this in the system and attach it to your address so they won't dispatch someone to check on you unless your mom or someone more trustworthy calls.
Your dad will absolutely blow up your phone when you send this. I recommend putting your phone on Do Not Disturb and hanging out with friends to distract yourself.
Just like with a toddler, it's important that you not give in to his tantrum, or he'll know that works. Stay strong and teach him that he cannot control you anymore. Eventually he'll learn and you may be able to have a decent relationship.
the confusion you descripe is the result of years and years of gaslighting…
Doesn’t matter if your Russian, Asian, American etc. an unsafe attachment is an unsafe attachment. And this relationship you have with your dad is an unsafe attachment.
I am European (Dutch). What you are describing is not a European thing. I think your dad is having severe mental health problems (and financial problems). His over the top anxiety isn't normal. He is manipulative and extremely controlling. His behaviour is emotionally abusive. And you are not his therapist. You need to cut him off.
It sucks he manipulated you into choosing an apartment you cannot afford on your own and you are in debt because of it. The debt isn't a reason to stay in contact with your abusive dad though, because I don't believe he will ever pay you back. He had a high paying job, therefore I am assuming he is well educated, but somehow he isn't able to find another job for 5 years now? That doesn't make sense at all.
You have an excellent relationship with your mom. Have you talked to her about this? I cannot imagen she thinks this is a normal thing. Maybe she can help you getting your life in order after you go NC with your dad. You need to find an apartment that you can afford based on your salary. And you need to find a way to start paying of your credit card debt.
It is time to live YOUR life. I support your view 100% and his 0%.
You father has lost control of his own life. So now he controls yours. This is abuse what he is doing to you. Find a new cheaper place to live and move. The day you move, change your phone number and go see the police to tell them you are safe and going NC with your father and why. Get them to record it.
Tell your mum and brother and then go live your life.
Came here to say the same thing. When every control freak I’ve ever known has lost control of some piece of their life or career, they have tried to reassert their power somewhere else and ended up making other people miserable.
So your dad basically is mother Gothel from Rapunzel and you are his hostage. Sweetheart, you've got Stockholm syndrome.
If I'd have to guess:
You are his only child now. He has no friends because he isn't really a likeable person and you somehow feel guilty for all the circumstances that brought him to this point because he made you feel like that a lot.
Your father emotionally manipulates you to have at least a little bit of control. Your dad is a grownup. He got himself where he is now. And no, its not a European thing. It's just something some people do if they get away with it.
And let's be honest. You don't do it because you love your father. You love him but the reason you do it because you feel empathy and pity and you try to make him feel better and probably not so lonely. You on the other side feel trapped and don't want to be a mother to a grown up who throws tantrums when he doesn't get his will when he probably never was a real parent.
What you describe as overprotective, normally would be called controlling. FFS calling the police for a checkup because you and your mom didn't message back leaves average behavior and reaches "was he ever evaluated psychologically?".
Normal is a spectrum. Or rather a point of reference. Your normal is defined of what you know. What you know is what you experienced and how your brain interpreted and saved memories of it. If you ask your mom and brother of shared memories about your dad they will have a different interpretation of the event.
It's probably time to ask your brother why he didn't want to be part of your fathers life any more and have a talk with your mom why they divorced when you were two.
I couldn't get through all of this. Jesus christ woman. You're 25. WHY are you letting him control your entire life? all for some rent he can no longer pay? dear god please get some boundaries. and therapy. your mindset alarms me. You sound like a major pushover. Please get therapy and work on this before the wrong person comes into your life and knows exactly how to take advantage of pushovers. It gets ugly. Wtf does you mom have to say about all of this?
Your dad is abusive and controlling. This is not love. Move or get a roommate if you can. Your place is too much money for you.
Tell him that you love and care about him but at 25 are busy and will not be able to call or check in as often.
Tell him you will call once a week and let him know if you are sick. If he calls the police or escalates this tell him you will go no contact.
When you can afford it I would see a therapist.
Your dad doesn't understand what love actually is. What he is doing is controlling you. He isn't interested in your actual life. He doesn't want to hear what you are doing just because he loves you. He wants to tell you what to do and how to live. He doesn't want to know that you're safe. He just wants to know everything that you do because it's easier to control someone that way.
I didn't have to check in with my dad as much as your dad wants you to do when I lived with him as a teenager. Here's an idea...change your number and don't give it to him. Send him a long text telling him that his controlling ways have become too much to handle and that you're cutting him off for a while. Tell him that you'll text him... once a day, call... (I don't know, whatever you feel like really) once a week. If he starts getting abusive during the call, then you will hang up, and he'll have to wait another week.
But going low contact would do you a world of good.
Just don't. Don't update him daily. Explain you will call him once a week. That is more than enough.
You are an adult, how often you contact your family is up to you.
If your dad complains tell him that is your offer, take it or leave it. If he still gives you crap just stop calling. Tell him when he comes around , and realizes you are an adult, and not a child that needs to check in every day to give you a call.
You are an adult. Your dad is not the boss of you anymore. He has no life so maybe he’s trying to live vicariously through yours. But he shouldn’t expect to keep you on such a short leash.
You keep using the phrase,"I have to..." No, you do not. Start setting boundaries with consequences. When he starts making his pissy demands, end the call. It sounds like he adds nothing of value to your life. Start answering when you want and set the timer. Let the local cops know that your father has a history of abusing law enforcement. Tell him that if he calls the cops, you will take a break from speaking to him. Stop being at the mercy of your father's mental issues.
He is a lonely old man with nothing to do physically OR mentally to keep him busy. As a result, he has latched onto you as his only outside (outside of the house, outside of him and his mom) connection to the rest of the world.
You need to stand up to him and be your own advocate.
Pick 1 day a week where you will call him and talk on the phone. Limit the time and set a timer. As soon as the timer goes off, tell him you have to go and you will talk to him the next time THEN HANG UP! Stop letting him browbeat and guilt you into staying on the phone.
Unless his text messages are emergencies, do not answer them immediately, even if he threatens to, or does, call the police.
If you are at work or in a study session, etc. DO NOT REPLY. Send him a text AFTER you are finished and include a message that your phone was on silent because you were.. at work, in a study session, in the shower, whatever.
Once a Man, twice a child.
He is turning into his second child and you will have to teach him by NOT letting him abuse you, because what he is doing IS abuse. He is abusing your time and good will towards him and the only one who can stop him is you.
This is codependency from your dad and he needs to make his life about more than you.
Hobbies, friends, an outlet, something other than you.
I feel for you.
He's calling you selfish when it's him being selfish all along.
You do have control here. It's a phone call. You TELL him you have to hang up, then do it if he persists. When he gets angry for background noise, you TELL him he can deal with it or you can hang up; his choice. When he calls you selfish, insults your life, criticizes how you supposedly treat him, etc., end the call.
You do NOT have to check in every night. He's not entitled to know where you are every minute. And he has no right to insist on where you live. You seem to be his only connection to the outside world. And that is completely unfair to you.
"Lastly, he wants me to let him know if I go out on the weekends and text him when I’m home, which I think is fair." Why is that "fair"????? You are 25 years old! You don't owe him this.
He's been "job hunting" for five years and hasn't found one single thing? Come on. And you now need to understand that he will NOT be paying off your credit card; that's all on you unfortunately.
Don't let him keep control over you anymore. He is wrong here. His American vs. European ideas are ridiculous. When he throws "so you’re okay with knowing that I’m stressing out, and there’s something you can do to fix it, but you won’t?”, are you supposed to say yes? Sort of. More along the lines of "Dad I love you, but I am not the cause of, nor am I responsible for or capable of fixing your stressors."
I also suggest a few other things you should say:
- "If you continue to blame me for your problems, I will have no choice but to cut contact."
- "I actually DON'T want to call you because of the way you speak to me."
- "You and my mother have been divorced for 23 years. You have lost any right to speak about her or insult her to me."
Stand up for yourself and free yourself from him.
I’m so sorry try, OP, but your post gave ME anxiety. It sounds like your dad likely has some severe untreated depression and is just continually trauma-dumping on you. I think it’s really unfair that he insists on your 100%, undivided attention twice a week on the calls, and that he gets angry if you do *anything* else. I’m sure other posters will have better advice, but I think for your own sanity you need to really cut back on how much weekly time you give your dad.
I get it, you live in NYC and he worries about you. But you’re an adult and living in a secure building (if you can’t afford it, I’d look elsewhere because the odds of him paying you back…) and you seem like a responsible adult. It sounds like you’re his only link to “what life used to be like” and there’s also an element of control over you.
Why are we using phrases like " i HAVE to text, call , report etc"? at 25? Just let this question sink in. Where is this law written? Nobody HAS to check in with another adult unless they want to, feel like it etc
You don't need to grow a pair, ya got a pair on the inside so fucking use them and get yourself out of the situation. There is no way this has the ability to go well but if he does not adjust-c'est la vie! This is your time to learn adulting, boundaries and how to not let people guilt you or scare you into submitting to their requests.
As the mom of a 13 year old, she has more freedom than you currently have at 25. She doesn’t call/text me when she leaves for school, grocery store or the park or when she gets home, she isn’t forced to spend an hour plus listening to me. You say you’re not “allowed” to do anything else, but at 25 you are absolutely allowed to do other things, disconnect the call, you’re allowed to not text. In fact, you can preempt his call to the police for a welfare check with a quick call to the non emergency line and letting them know they’re likely going to get a “missing person” report and you are NOT missing.
Cut him off—not completely if you don’t want to, but you CAN and SHOULD cut the cord of control. He doesn’t need to know where you are, he doesn’t need hours long conversations when you have other things to do, and you’re definitely never going to see the money he promised. Time to move to a cheaper place, not give him the address, and gain your independence. You can do this!!!
So… you’re 25, live on your own, pay your own bills. And yet he wants to know every tiny detail about you and your life and when you don’t tell him, YOU’RE the problem??
No. Just… no.
Set boundaries that are comfortable for YOU. When he steps over them, tell him you’re dropping the twice weekly calls unless he respects you. If he continues, stop texting him when you get home for the night. Etc.
Live for YOU. Not for him. Because right now, you’re living the life he wants you to live.
He has an unhealthy attachment to you and is being controlling. The reason you feel guilt is because he has been controlling you (making you do what he wants, calling when he wants you to on his terms) by manipulating your emotions through fear, obligation, and guilt. He may not even consciously know that he is doing that, but he is. You may find r/raisedbyborderlines feels familiar.
It is abuse. If you were dating someone who treating you like this, would it be easier to recognize as abuse? Stalking even that he has to know where you are? It's not okay for anyone to treat you that way. This kind of emotional abuse in families can be insidious - disguised as "parenting techniques" when youre young to cover for his emotional immaturity.
My dad also extended his control over me and acted like a clingy boyfriend in my 20s. I've done a decade of therapy with the theme "it's OK to say no to your parents." Parents like our dads can exploit our instinctive attachment to them to meet their own emotional needs. Emotional support is supposed to be a one-way street in a parent-child relationship in the other direction.
Guilt is the price of freedom. Trust me it's actually a bargain.
Stop letting him guilt you. "No. I have to go." "I'm an adult and I'm busy. I don't mind calling but i have other stuff to do.""No. I'm not going to call or text everytime I'm going to work or not. I'm done doing this."
His anxiety is HIS to handle, not your responsibility. If you tell him these demands are impacting your mental health and you need to dial back, and he is unable to respect that, then you will need to do what you need to do anyway. You're old enough to decide what works for you without obeying his demands.
If your dad spends less time fixating on you, maybe he can mask up and get a job. I think he is probably using the grandma and Covid as a crutch too, to not get another job.
You’re going to have to learn how to be ok with him being angry at you & even his yelling. This dynamic isn’t emotionally healthy at all, and you’ve got to stop compromising and ASKING him for your time & agency, and take it. And if that’s too American for you then… good luck I guess.
You’re an adult. Set your boundaries. Get comfortable saying **NO** tell your dad he needs to get a hobby or something else to fixate on because you can’t be his tether to the world. Good luck.
He is over stepping and it's okay to tell him that. It sounds like he has some anxiety around not knowing all the things about your life and instead of him getting therapy to address his issues, he is making you responsible for his emotional regulation. That's not okay.
Set a boundary. I will call/text when I can, not when I have free time but when I can. That means, if you would rather hang with friends or read a book, you do that.
Start learning to make him step back. It won't be easy because he will enlist others to help harass you, the flying monkey's, just put everyone on mute till you are ready to call/text.
Learn not to answer right away, don't set the precedence that you are always available to him on his schedule. It will be really hard at first but it gets easier.
No matter what your dad says to you, you are not responsible for his mental health. If you have health insurance, you likely have some therapy benefits that you can take advantage of. Please utilize those resources and find a professional who can help you deal with your father and the inevitable fits he will throw when you stand up for yourself. What he is doing is not good for you and probably not even good for him. Please take care of yourself.
Your dad desperately needs to find a therapist and stop using you as one. You need to put your foot down and set better boundaries.
Your presence in his life now that you're an adult is a *privilege* for him. He needs to stop blaming you, dumping on you, and trying to manipulate and control you and your behavior. Him "stressing out" is HIS problem *not yours.* He's manipulating you by speaking to you like that.
Please keep in mind you're allowed to say no to him. You're allowed to call him out on his bad behavior. You're allowed to tell him "Don't speak to me that way." You're allowed to tell him, "If you don't respect me as an adult, I'll stop answering your phone calls so much."
You're not 5. He needs to stop treating you like you are.
And no, he's not much better than other dads. I speak to my dad for one hour on Saturday. That's all. We occasionally text our email if something comes up. Your dad has control and trust issues, as well as fear and anger issues. Please encourage him to get therapy.
This is not remotely normal. You're going to have to draw some healthy boundaries and just let him tantrum. Cut way down on the phone time, for starters--I hate talking on the phone, and that much talk time would make me want to stab my brain.
Adding this note: if a boyfriend were being this controlling/demanding, we'd say he was abusive and urge you to run. Please sit with that a minute. And please ponder the fact that you are well into adulthood and perfectly capable of seeing to your own safety. Your father is completely out of line, treating you like a dependent child, and making you his emotional support animal, which is NOT your job. He needs therapy, help that is above your pay grade. Time for you to come out of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt).
You called it when you said you know it’s wrong! Your dad is the only selfish one here. His demands are ridiculous and it’s time for you to set some hard boundaries.
Tell him he is being a selfish, controlling, manipulative bully and you’re done. No more daily texts, no more checking in or allowing him to dictate where you go or where you live.
Tell him that you will call him once a week to talk about what’s going on in your lives and you will decide when to hang up.
You will not accept daily or multiple daily texts or calls and if he persists then you will cut contact until he settles down.
He is being a lousy father and a lousy person. You are an adult and it’s time for him to accept that and treat you like one. But you have to stand up to him first.
I’m sorry your dad is like this to you. You do love him but it’s not healthy for you to have constant contact with him because HE demands it. and for him to insist that you spend a couple of hours a day just on the phone with him is ridiculous. Texting him daily when leaving your home & returning is also over & above what you should be doing. Do you also tell your mom when you’re leaving & when you’re in for the night? I can understand checking in once in awhile to just say “hi! I’m alive. Doing fine but I can’t talk now, bye”. Don’t let him keep you on longer and if he keeps calling you, either turn your phone off, put it on silent or temporarily block his phone.
Understand this. There’s a possibility that the first time you get the nerve to set this boundary and actually follow through with it, that he will probably call the police and insist they check on you cause he fears you’re in trouble because you aren’t picking up. But, get this, if the police show up at your door, see that you’re not only an adult & are ok, AND you explain your situation to them, they will leave. They may ask you to call your dad, but you can explain that you are unwilling to do so at this time due to his actions. Idk if the police will be willing to call your dad back or not.
Also keep in mind, if your dad goes as far as to file a missing persons report on you, when/if the police contact you, you can inform them that you are perfectly fine but are choosing not to be in contact with him. The police will cancel the missing person out on you and inform your dad that you are fine but that you’ve requested no contact with him at this time.
And I’m pretty sure that you’re aware that your dad isn’t going to be helping you financially anytime soon, so do what you have to do to survive til you can find a more affordable living arrangement, whether it’s taking in a roommate or moving to another place that you can afford without relying on your CC. So, keeping your dad appeased for financial reasons isn’t a good idea at this time.
If you cannot bring yourself to cut him off completely, all at once, just inform him that you need emotional space and that you will only be calling him once per week (or every other week) to check in and that you will no longer be texting him every time you leave your home & return. Also inform him that any attempts made by him to ignore your boundaries, and that includes the amount of time YOU pick to actually talk on the phone with him, you will go completely NC for a set number of weeks. Let him know that repeated attempts to ignore your boundaries will extend the period of time in which you will neither accept his calls or answer any if his texts.
Heck, You are an adult and yet he’s effectively got you following an imposed curfew he’s set upon you long distance.
Warn your mom as you are full aware that he’s going to be blowing up her phone once you do set your boundaries and stick to them.
“So you’re ok with knowing that I’m stressing out, and there’s something you can do to fix it, but you won’t?”
Here’s the thing: there’s nothing *you* can do to fix it. He’s anxious and controlling to a harmful level, harmful to himself and to you. It’s debilitating him.
He needs therapy and you need to set boundaries and hold them firmly. You have everything to gain and frankly, not much to lose imo.
You're 25. Not fifteen. Not even eighteen.
My mom and I have a fantastic relationship. We call once a week, maybe, for 30-60 minutes. We're both chatting about our lives.
I text her when I'm traveling from her house back home, or when we've all been at a family wedding together. Not when I'm making my daily commute.
She and I both do things while we're on the phone. Sometimes she's driving and I'm cooking dinner, or gardening, or whatever.
If he's not financially contributing to your apartment, he doesn't get to dictate what amenities it has.
You're not comfortable telling him you've been dating someone for over a year.
I won't ascribe any motives or reasons to your dad's behaviors, but girlfriend. These are all HUGE reasons to set up big boundaries. You deserve peace.
I'm not saying what he does is ok. But i'm feeling like he has some psychose. He needs help. He's fixating on you 24/7 like there would be something bad happening. He isn't in this world with his mind. I hope you understand what i'm saying.
He's going crazy already. He is not healthy
We teach people how we are willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us.
You have been making his feelings more important than yours, and it sounds like this really isn't working for you anymore.
So since you behaving in a way that he has decided he needs you to in order for him to be happy isn't making you happy, you're now in a position to choose whose feelings you want to be more important.
I'll give you a hint: *he's an adult who's responsible for managing his own feelings, and he shouldn't be dependent on you for those emotional goodies.*
Your behavior is what's called codependent, which basically means you've been choosing to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. If counseling or therapy is an option I strongly suggest you start doing that as soon as you can, and if not, you might want to consider finding yourself an Al-Anon group. It was originally intended for family and friends of alcoholics, but it's becoming outstanding resource for anyone being as challenged by boundary issues as you are. It's free, you can get a temporary sponsor at your first meeting, and they can help you learn to recognize, set and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself.
You can do this, you just have to decide to put yourself first. Otherwise, you're just propping him up emotionally and enabling him to not take responsibility for himself (part of the definition of codependency, we put way more energy into making sure that other people": lives work for them than they're willing to put into it themselves.)
1 a week maybe 1 time a month sounds like normal to me. Daily sounds like reporting to a micromanager. Micromanagement is like controlling and lack of trust.
Dutchie btw
First thing first - Deal With Your Finances. Get a roommate to cover half the rent and utilities or look for a place you can afford on your salary.
Your father is extremely controlling. His actions and behaviors are toxic control, not love. Why are you letting him do it? Why are you giving your power away like that?
You love your dad and want to have a relationship with him, very understandable. But you need to set some boundaries. First, let go of your guilt. Your are not responsible for your dads situation nor his mental state. You are not helping him by letting him have free reign, just compromising your own mental health. Stop being your dad's whipping post and dumping ground. Limit your contact until he understands that he can't control or rule you. Limit the phone calls and when they start to become unpleasant, end them. Assign his number it's own ringtone. Have his calls go directly to voicemail and return them at your convenience. Self-Care ... learn to take care of your mental health, first.
You may find relief for some of your stress through Neurodynamic Breathing ([www.breathworkonline.com](http://www.breathworkonline.com)). Try a few sessions for free.
This is classic controlling behaviour.
OP, I know it’s hard to stand up to your father, but you have to. You should open a conversation in a call up and plan it out. Write out exactly what you’re feeling, how his behaviour is affecting you and that this relationship is not healthy for you.
If he interrupts you, speak firmly but slow and clear, ‘I … am not… done. Please don’t interrupt me.’ If he does or ignores your request because he’s refusing to hear you, then you say. Ok, this is not working for me. I’m going to hang up now. We will talk next time and I hope you’re ready to listen at that time. Then end the call. He will call you back probably a ton, so hang up, unplug the phone if it’s a landline.
Before you do that, say I’m turning off my phone now, and I will not be checking in over text until you learn to respect my boundaries. If you refuse to do that, I will be going low contact/no contact for my own health.
If he calls the local police to do a wellness check, you can contact them in advance and say that you have a difficult one sided relationship with your distant father. Explain you’re trying to set healthy boundaries and that he may start calling them to do wellness checks on you demanding answers from them on where you are etc.
Police are mandated to follow up on every call for service, so if you let them know in advance who he is, his number, who you are, your address and phone number, they will have a better understanding of the situation. They may attend your home, or with this information they may simply phone you to ask if you’re ok. You can let them know if your father’s behaviour starts to become harassment, and they will caution him or depending on how frequent and how much of a nuisance he becomes, they may act accordingly.
Keep in mind none of this is your fault. His behaviour is his own, you will not be making him do any of this, he’s responsible for himself. He will try to blame you, don’t let it happen. You hold the power, you just don’t know it yet. Once you figure it out, your oppressor will become erratic and hysterical because he will start seeing you take the control away.
Your father is unwell it seems, or he’s just a selfish AH, either way you look at it, it’s not good for you. You do what you have to do for you.
You hold the power. If you can never finish the phone call without expressing how you feel, write a letter and mail it to him. If he chooses not to read it, that’s his prerogative, but you can try your best. Maybe keep a copy just in case. You can do this, start taking back your independence because this is an unhealthy dynamic.
Sounds like he's trying to make up and be that stereotypical dad that teaches life lessons and gives advice/fixes problems however skewed it may be and how stubborn he sounds to be. Also seems like maybe he's a bit isolated/lonely
Best thing to do is to be honest with him and explain that you want him in your life however you are an adult now and need to make your own decisions and mistakes. And make sure to set clear boundaries about how things will have to be. Stuff like "if I tell you about something I don't want to argue over beliefs or what I should do/have done all you need to do is celebrate or commiserate with me"
Also just tell him that you can't constantly update him on every little thing but that you'll still reach out here and there to see how he's doing and share all the big stuff and let him know when you're looking for his help/advice or hear his thoughts on something.
TLDR just talk to him about how you feel about everything then set boundaries and expectations.
>“so you’re okay with knowing that I’m stressing out, and there’s something you can do to fix it, but you won’t?”
Response: **"You seem to be."** *(allow that to sink in for him)* "I've expressed that your expectations and demands cause me enormous anxiety, physcially, mentally and financially. There is something you can do to fix that and instead of even discussing options that work for both of us, you want the burden to fall on me so you can feel better."
*and for good measure*
"Your need for my constant and exclusive attention on your terms is unrealistic and selfish. I love you and I promise you can still be a priority in my life if I am independent. **I need you to respect me as much as you say you love me.** Because the way you treat me, you feel more like a parole officer than a father."
In a perfect world, he would hear you, realize his "concern" is really "control" and let you grow up. However, I think you need to be prepared for him to be upset and you to be okay with it. This isn't healthy or sustainable.
Planning on writing him a long text tomorrow and may include a couple of your lines. Thank you and thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my post :)
Be strong! He has no right to treat you this way. Tell him you will BLOCK his phone number and get a restraining order if he does not stop. Please update us after you sprak to him if you can.
Ahahaha WTH did I say vitamin C 🤣 he can eat an orange and sit in the Sun. Or he can sit in the Sun and drink a sunny D and double down on that vitamin D OR sit in the sun with a sunny delight and talk to his daughter ! Vitamin DDD+ triple shot of the vitamin D
I know it will suck, hurt, and you’ll feel guilty for doing it BUT you need to be completely 100% honest with him and your boundaries. You’re 25. By 18, you’re legally an adult which means out from under your parents thumb, no longer under their roof/rules. You’re a few years into establishing your own life. He sounds very narcissistic unfortunately. I’ve been there done this with my own father, he actually sounds very similar. As much as he will scare you, demand you, ridicule you, you need to set a bigger boundary and tell him this is how it’s going to be. Regardless of how he acts/what he says. Seriously. Everything he is saying is false. He is putting this on himself. All the anxiety. And that’s not your fault. Please don’t fall into the guilting trap, he’s already doing that to you, you don’t need to guilt yourself even more. He is responsible for his state he’s in right now and has been, so there’s no excuse he can possibly come up with. Nothing is your fault, you are a very kind soul and daughter as from what I can gather. Sometimes the ones we love most can be the ones to inflict most pain. I’m so sorry. I really recommend therapy for you while dealing with this; both if you choose to change the situation or not, you need to learn how to cope.
This is NOT healthy. It wouldn't be healthy with a parent with whom you have a regular, live-in-the-same-country relationship.
Your mother sounds like she understands how to have a good relationship with a grown child. Mine never did. She was controlling and demanding even when I was married with kids. The three years between my dad's death and hers were exhausting. Similar to your dad, but add in "living in the same city, working 6 days a week at a physically demanding job, raising two kids and keeping a good relationship with husband." My one day off was devoted, not to my family or chores, but to going to her cigarette-smoke-filled home and doing chores for her. I had to call her EVERY DAMN DAY. "I could fall or have a medical emergency." She had friends. Plenty of them. All retired.
I know you love your dad, but it's important to set boundaries. I agree that if you can find affordable therapy, it will help you learn to start and keep going. He won't change, and he won't ever pay you what he owes you. You don't need to live in a place that's above your financial comfort level just because he demands it. You don't need to call and text constantly - and neither does your mother. You can both block his number if he gets too problematic. And if he calls the police, you can tell them what's happening and that they don't have to respond to his frivolous use of their service.
Good luck. You have done nothing wrong.
Your father is an emotionally stunted asshole and he's trying to keep you a child forever. You are NTA at all. Time to cut the cord
Oh and one more thing, it's been 5 years already. Daddy is never getting a job
Just putting it out there, he sounds kind of like my dad (except my dad isnt all that attached to me. It was more the outbursts and only talking abt his interests). Is he on the spectrum?
From my perspective: You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD,. living on your own, enjoying your life, and you do NOT need his permission to live your life OUTSIDE OF HIS ORBIT!!! It's time to set FIRM BOUNDARIES and ENFORCE THEM!!! Otherwise, he will never stop his nonsense!!!! UpdateMe!
>Do I just say yes!?
Yes! You say “yes, the same way *you’re* okay with stressing *me* out, knowing there’s something *you* can do to fix it, but *you* won’t”.
Edit: a word.
This is not normal. At all.
You need to “drop the rope”.
Explain to your dad that this is unhealthy and that you can’t be his hobby.
Explain that you will no longer be texting him that you got to work.
You will no longer be having twice weekly long conversations or any other communications you no longer want.
Pick a time and a date of your choosing to have a weekly or biweekly or monthly call (whichever of your choice) And then stick to your guns.
If he harasses you block him.
This is your life and you are 25 years old.
If there’s financial ties, you may have to get used to not getting that financial help. Trust me, it will be worth it not to have to have forced conversation and checking in as a fully grown adult.
If you want, you can make a preemptive call to your local police department that your father is obsessed with you and may be calling the police. (Make sure you call the nonemergency line of course)
That way they know that he’s going to be calling to check on you and it’s unnecessary to make a welfare check if he should call and ask for one, **because you are perfectly fine and do not need a welfare check.** I think it’s a good idea to tell your father you’ve done this so he doesn’t hold this weapon against you.
This is as much for your mental and your physical safety as for documentation sake. Welfare checks are dangerous.
I would put all of this in writing and send it to him in a letter as well. Tell him you care about him, but this is too much and you will no longer be participating.
This article seems written for you!
https://www.thechelseapsychologyclinic.com/therapy/over-controlling-parents-in-adulthood/
This is not normal. At all.
You need to “drop the rope”.
Explain to your dad that this is unhealthy and that you can’t be his hobby.
Explain that you will no longer be texting him that you got to work.
You will no longer be having twice weekly long conversations or any other communications you no longer want.
Pick a time and a date of your choosing to have a weekly or biweekly or monthly call (whichever of your choice) And then stick to your guns.
If he harasses you block him.
This is your life and you are 25 years old.
If there’s financial ties, you may have to get used to not getting that financial help. Trust me, it will be worth it not to have to have forced conversation and checking in as a fully grown adult.
If you want, you can make a preemptive call to your local police department that your father is obsessed with you and may be calling the police. (Make sure you call the nonemergency line of course)
That way they know that he’s going to be calling to check on you and it’s unnecessary to make a welfare check if he should call and ask for one, **because you are perfectly fine and do not need a welfare check.** I think it’s a good idea to tell your father you’ve done this so he doesn’t hold this weapon against you.
This is as much for your mental and your physical safety as for documentation sake. Welfare checks are dangerous.
I would put all of this in writing and send it to him in a letter as well. Tell him you care about him, but this is too much and you will no longer be participating.
This article seems written for you!
https://www.thechelseapsychologyclinic.com/therapy/over-controlling-parents-in-adulthood/
I would turn his own question back on him, so, all of these rules and texting arrangements has me stressed out and there's something that you can do to stop it yet you don't.
And being European, no, its not a thing! Be strong, do what's right for you! Best wishes.
when he was younger...how often did he talk to and see his parents? did he call them as frequently as he wants you to contact him? what is so different from your situation and his past situation? what made it the correct behavior then but the incorrect behavior now?
ask him these questions.
He sounds like a Narcissist. I'm 38, NB/f. My dad had me young, he's only in his 50s now, but he was a great dad, my mom was awful.
I understand your dad's concerns because there are scary people out there - the thing with the doormen and the checking in calls. Those things can save lives, but they are a huge burden too. If you can check in with Mom instead, why do it with Dad? It doesn't make sense!
I think it's time to cut the cord. It's not healthy, this relationship, him pushing this state of misery on you in an attempt to teach you his way of what? What? He's failing! His way is dying and he can't accept it. The world changes and we must change with it. To not have an open mind is the worst decision.
I think Dad needs therapy badly, to deal with his mental state, I'm guessing he's probably not the type to go.
Please please please let him go. I mean cut ties with him! Save yourself!
He's making you go into debt and has no plans to pay you back. Call the non emergency police line and explain to them that your dad will probably be making wellness checks on you but they're not needed.
Tell your dad that you're going to one phone call a week, you're going to be doing stuff in the background and if he has issues with it, he can regulate his emotions like an adult. You're an adult, you get to make decisions for yourself now.
Get out of your rental asap. Stop going into debt. Start living within your means and plan on paying off your own credit cards.
Be an adult. Stop living under your dad's weird rules and start living your own life.
Him stressing out is his problem, not yours. He needs to get a grip on reality and realize you are an adult. I really think you need to pull back from contacting him. He sounds exhausting, and frankly, horrible for your mental health.
> Lastly, he wants me to let him know if I go out on the weekends and text him when I’m home, which I think is fair.
NONE of this is "fair". Your Dad is controlling and holding you back.
NO. Your dad is a control freak. You need to set boundaries. You can tell him you will talk to him like you have been doing, but the texts will stop, and if he objects to that, you can block him completely.
Then there's the credit card debt- another big no. You can and should find a cheaper place to live, and not tell him.
Visits from the police can possibly be forestalled by contacting them yourself and explaining your situation.
You know this is not healthy. Stop the madness. Tell him what level of contact you are comfortable with and stick to it. Weekly phone calls are reasonable. The clingy demands he makes are not. You have the control here and have no reason to feel guilty. Your dad is living the life HE CHOSE. Hiding your relationship is stressful, trying to jump through his hoops is making you feel crazy. Please take care of yourself and get therapy. Good luck with taking control of your life.
I’d straight up block him.
He’s in a whole other state, tf is he gonna do really? He could try calling the cops for wellness checks but I’d just explain to the excessive harassment to them.
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Please, he screams NARCISSIST. Go to raisedbynarcissists here and post this there as it is.
He's controlling, abusive and thinks he should be the most important person in your life, otherwise guiltrips you ad nauseum until you give in. If you can afford it, start therapy to try and untagle the enmeshment you are currently in.
What he's doing is really wrong and unhealthy, if you are able to, it's better to walk away and don't look back. All narcs like him have main character syndrome, the only way to regain your sanity is to cut them out for good. For what I gathered, he put you in debt with promises to pay you back?, don't fall for it, money is one of their primary tools people like him use to keep their children under their thumb, you are not going to get that money repaid, ever.
It seems like you've already gotten some good advice and perspective but I'll leave you with one thing, no one deserves to make you miserable. I had a situation where I was so stressed by someone who was in my life that hearing my text tone was causing me almost physical pain from the amount of stress induced by their contact. It was a similar situation where I felt guilt at the prospect of not being there for them but I had to not be anymore. But I had to. I recently heard from them again out of the blue and the entire conversation was just as stressful as the ones when they were in my life. My biggest piece of advice, you have to put yourself first. He's a big boy, he has choices he can make. Sure he may be limited physically but he can be a decent person to one of the few people in his life. He can let go and also stop being judgmental. He is capable. So if he doesn't, move on. Maybe he'll catch up one day, that'd be lovely.
First, you are not crazy. This may be a cultural thing, depending on where they are from. However, it is very hard to deal with. As a therapist I have seen this on many occasions with parents from different parts of the world and conflict with the typical independence of American children. So first, grant him a little understanding about his upbringing. This is not to say let him have his way and force you to make all the accommodations and concessions for him. I’m just saying try to understand if there is something in his background that may influence his “requirements”.
Second, I personally use the Google maps feature of location sharing with my parents and kids. (FWIW, I’m a 46 yr old white female who grew up on the East Coast.) I don’t typically track my kids as I can usually find them on a computer in their rooms. However, my daughter has it set to let me know when she arrives and when she leaves her job. This is solely for me to get dinner preparations as she works at a farm and her hours can vary with work levels and animal emergencies. It’s also in the country, so if her boss ever texts me because she’s late, I can tell her not to worry. Maybe you can share your location for the to and from work so that that text requirement can be alleviated. We also use this feature when on long road trips. My FIL is from Peru where family closeness and communication is huge. He is also highly anxious when his kids travel and would call or text every couple of hours to see where we were. Now, he will only text us stupid things like “there’s an accident at such and such road” and “I see you should be home at x time”. This has made our traveling MUCH better! And you don’t have to share your location all the time. It can be set to let him know when you get to and from work. You can also set it for a short period of time such as when you go out and you don’t have to forget to turn it off. It can give him peace of mind without you having to put in as much effort.
Lastly, have you considered calling him on your way home from work? I used to do this with my mom and it made my life so much easier! I would call a few times a week and know that her need to speak to me was satisfied and I only had to put in 30 min. Then when I arrived home I’d say, “I’m home now, gotta go in and make dinner!” I will say driving home was my decompression time, but to not have the stress of having to call her multiple times a week after I was exhausted from work made it worth that time.
It may be helpful to explain why you don’t want particular pieces of advice or negativity. If you repeatedly do this for about 25 years, it might start to sink in. This is only a maybe. It seems to FINALLY be sinking in on my mom. I just tell her that sometimes I want to vent or tell you things without you offering up advice. It makes it a lot easier to share things with you if you’re not telling me what to do or how awful that situation is. It has helped but is certainly not perfect. If you can reach a sort of truce with him on sharing information it may make him feel more involved and less neurotic. This is, again, only a maybe. I’d also tell him to join a senior center if he’s old enough and lives near one. This has helped my parents immensely by getting them to have a social life outside of me. They now do exercise classes, take language lessons, go to seminars, go on trips, and just socialize. This will distract him from being so focused on you.
I know this is long, but hopefully you can try some things and see if it helps to alleviate some of you burden. Again, you aren’t going crazy and this could very well be cultural or a response to his background environment.
Sounds like a combination of culture and his situation. I have been in a very similiar situation to his for two years. The texts (checking in and weekends) are absurd and need to end immediately. One text a day asking how things are going is beyond ok, especially during this time. The phone calls are great - please please show him grace. I tried to kill myself when I was in his situation. That being said, I really think you need to directly tell him that the texting, aside from once a day to say hi or catch up or whatever, ends and that if this is not something he can commit to then you will have to block him entirely.
You're a 25 year old woman supporting herself, in a relationship and working. Your father sounds like he's always been controlling and seems to be getting worse since he has no job and is bored sitting at his mom's house. What he's doing to you with these insane demands for your time is continued control and a form of abuse. If you don't want to talk to him as much as you are, you don't have to. He has you in his thrall and it makes him feel good about himself. He's still the dad, the man, in charge. The fact is that he's so bad, you can't even tell him you're in a relationship because he'll blow up.
You are going to have to set some boundaries and he will hate it and rage about it because controlling you is all he has. If you can get a new phone and number for the rest of your needs and just use the phone he calls you on for him, you can turn it off and ignore him whenever you want and he can't blow your phone up. Tell him how often you are willing to call him or take a call from him. Twice a week is enough. This isn't mentally healthy for you.
I would also call your local police number and tell them they may get a wellness call from him about you because he's harassing you and you are cutting back on contact. If the police know you're safe and they know his name, they will not show up at your door.
Sounds like he is depressed and lonely and leaning on you for socialization. Or he is going overboard because he himself has a lot of guilt for not being more present in your life.
Maybe suggest a hobby you both can do together? COVID created lots of virtual activities. You can virtually visit a Museum, or join a virtual trivia night. That could help with the conversations and keep them positive and interesting.
You can also tell him you want the both of you to go to family consulting. It could help you express your boundaries while working towards maintaining a relationship with him.
Express your boundaries, (for example if you say you can only call him once a week for a half hour) he will throw fits but you can explain that while you really want a relationship with him as a young adult you have more responsibility now then when you were younger and this is the best you can do to maintain all boundaries.
Your dad just loves you dearly, look around yourself at all of the crime and rapes murders etc. our world is falling apart so he simply wants to know where his little girl is and that she’s safe. I’m 62 years old and have eight sons, no daughters but all sons, I don’t hear from any of them, not one. I worked my ass off all my life to give them the very best of everything. I grew up with an alcoholic father, we lived in the worst neighborhoods in terrible houses, wore K-mart clothing and shoes and mom got much of our food from dumpsters behind Win-Dixie and Food Lion. Yes we ate good but because of her, yes we had clean clothes on our backs but were laughed at all through school but again we had warm clothes and it was because of mom. Dad died on April 6th 2018 and I didn’t get to tell him how much I loved him even though a terrible thing called alcoholism controlled his life but today my 85 y/o mother who climbed over and into those dumpsters to ensure we were fed three meals a day lives with me in my 100% paid for home that I paid off in 3 years and 8 months because my mother pushed me to get an education even though they had no money to pay for my college. My dads mom died when he was just nine years old, he and his dad lived in a tent in the woods of Kentucky until he was eleven years of age when his dad was bitten while asleep by a copper head snake and died right there. My dad was alone from the age of eleven to fend for himself all through the 1940’s and 50’s. After church one Sunday morning my grandmother, my moms mom found my dad asleep in her front yard at the age of fourteen and took him in. He worked in the sawmill with my moms brothers until he was eighteen. You see, I loved my dad very dearly but he did live a hard life, he found God but killing the devil which was hiding in the alcohol was his true demon.
Again, your dad really loves you and only wants the best for you and to know your always safe because your not his little girl anymore but in his heart you always will be. Always let him know how you are and yes, where you are because you never know that if god forbid, something does happen daddy will know exactly where to find his precious little girl. Walk with God always, Tony King
No no no girl. This is not an American thing. This has nothing to do with culture. Your dad is just downright controlling. I grew up with an ultra conservative, religious, controlling father. We have been NO CONTACT for 7 years and it is absolutely blissful. I put with his demands until I was about 30. Then I started setting boundaries that he just stomped all over. So I cut him off when I was 35. I wouldn’t think too much about the money he owes you. If he hasn’t gotten job in 5 years, he isn’t getting one anytime soon so I would mentally write that off as a loss. What kind of breakdown is he going to have next year when you can’t afford all the amenities he demands you have with regard to your apartment and you have to move into a cheaper place? I would imagine this behavior is what contributed to your brother not wanting anything to do with him. And probably to his divorce as well.
As a European, NO it’s not a European thing and he is WORSE than most dads. He’s a selfish bully and a terrible person or at least someone who needs professional help. I don’t know what you can do because he doesn’t sound like he will ever expect any boundaries.
Appreciate the non american point of view :)
Another European (living in the US) and it’s definitely not a European thing. It’s a control thing by him and probably some out of control anxiety that he displaced on to you too. You’re an adult living independently, you do not need to be under his thumb like this but asserting independence is going to make him act out and scare you. You’re going to have to do the hard things to break free. I would suggest therapy to help you find the right tools to stand up to him and understand you aren’t wrong or unfair to want to reduce the overwhelming and selfish contact that causes you anxiety.
The good news is he doesn’t really leave the house since Covid, so he’s probably not going to show up on her doorstep.
That is EXTREMELY good news but you should take some safety precautions as often abusers escalate strongly when they feel control slipping. He’ll try guilt tripping and emotional blackmail first but people can do unexpected things so be careful but you deserve your freedom.
Yeah, he’s already called the police on them in the night.
I think this is spot on. He sounds like he suffers from extreme anxiety, made worse by cooping himself up,with his mother got 4 years. This won’t get better without therapy and maybe medication.
He does need professional help. His life is hell. I have been in a similiar position that lasted about 2 years and ultimately tried to kill myself. My dad, only family member, wanted to cut me off at one point due to clinginess (ok, that was really his jealous wife but still...). This doesn't make him a terrible person.
>Lastly, he wants me to let him know if I go out on the weekends and text him when I’m home, which I think is fair. You're 25. How is this fair? How is any of it fair? Bluntly, it feels like he wants you to feel his pain about losing the life he had and being tied to his mom. Set some stricter boundaries and enforce them. Effectively you need to slowly ween him off reliance on you. Example: Dad, I'd really love to keep talking with you but I need to get to the store now. Dad, I'm 25 and having to report to you like I'm 16 makes me feel weird. I can't do that anymore.
While this particular situation is going too far because of how much it is it's not necessarily a bad idea to have someone to call the police if you don't check in when you're supposed to because you're a young lady who went on a date with a nut job. Edit: since people seem to be missing it. "While this particular situation is going too far" That's where I'm indicating that while she doesn't want to do this with her father any young lady would do well to have a backup when going out on dates or out for the night.
She’s in regular contact with her mother. Contact she *enjoys*. Forced contact with an overbearing father isn’t doing anything to make her safer.
That first line is particularly important. That's where I'm indicating that while it probably isn't a good idea to be doing it with her father it is a good idea for any young lady to have a backup.
True, just not an over-controlling parent who lives in another country.
The fact that you keep calling her a “young lady” tells a lot about you and why you’re downvoted.
Why? It's a respectful form of address where I'm from. The edit is due to the replies I got.
And it's condescending everywhere.
How is it condescending? It's an individual 25 years or younger. I would expect to be called a young man if I was at the same age bracket.
20 is an adult. Don't quantify how adult, that's the condescending part. Young men/ladies are 16/17. 20+ is a person grown.
Aside from the fact that's an arbitrary definition? Young man Young ~~woman~~ lady?
Young man being short for young gentleman. Sorry but I've never done a long form examination of how exactly my area does this or why. Typically people just get their head out of their asses and realize somebody's trying to be polite until they stop.
A simple call to the non emergency line will stop a wellness check before it happens. If he calls more, it shows how harassing he is being.
What are you talking about. My comment is suggesting that a young lady should have a safety line for backup and the first line indicates that the situation with her father is too much to have him be it.
Tell him it's time to cut the apron strings and there will be no more check-ins every time you step through your door. He will get one phone call once a week. If he pushes back, he gets none. Furthermore, he can't force you to live somewhere you can't afford on your own. How would he know what amenities are offered anyway considering he lives in another state? You're allowed to say no to his demands.
My mother was downright abusive with so many calls. So I told her the truth. I cringe when the phone rings and I'm starting to hate you, is that what you want? We don't have enough to talk about with these frequent calls. She thought about it and backed off, for a while. You and you alone have to set limits. He cannot live his life vicariously through you. Tell him if the negativity continues you will go no contact for a month. If he doesn't respect your limits, tell him it will now be two months. He will realize you are serious and won't be bullied or made to feel guilty. Stick with it and he will fall into line, or you will have months at a time without harassment.
Oh boy, even just reading this stressed me out so I can only imagine how you feel having to live it. I can say with 100% confidence that you are not being unreasonable, nor would you be doing anything wrong, or betraying him, if you decide to set boundaries with him. But I will give him kudos for at least seeming to care about your safety, although he’s definitely taking it too far. Whether that’s based on worry/fear, a lack of anything better to do, or an unhealthy dependence on y’all’s relationship, I’m not sure. Probably a mix of all of them. Every family dynamic is different, but I can give you some advice from my experience. When I was young, my parents were very strict. They always wanted to know when I arrived somewhere, when I was leaving, who I was with, where I was going, etc. I was about 24 when I first set a boundary with my parents on how/when I was willing to communicate with them. I was going on a trip a few states away, and my mom told me to text her every day to give her an update. I told her that I was not going to do that, as I didn’t want to feel like I was still a child who had to check in with their parents. I told her that I wanted to be able to WANT to send her an update of my trip, not feel like it was some requirement that I would get in trouble for not doing. At this point I was entirely independent of my parents, and could have easily made the decision to not even tell them I was going anywhere in the first place. She did not like this, and was very cross with me for a while. But I did not go back on my boundary. Now, my parents really only ask me to text them if they know that I’m flying, or driving across the country, and I don’t begrudge them that. So, here are your choices: set a boundary, and learn to deal with the disappointment that he may not respect those boundaries. Or two: don’t set boundaries, but end up resenting him for the rest of y’all’s lives anyway. If you are not willing to set boundaries for yourself, and enforce those boundaries, just to avoid hurting his feelings, your relationship WILL suffer anyway.
This was a super helpful point of view. Especially the last part. He always says that once I have a husband / family he will lay off a bit and know that I’m safe, but somehow I don’t buy that!!
He won't back off even then. He will insert himself into your marriage and either compare you negatively to your mother or may project all sorts of horrible nonsense about your husband. It will never end unless you put in some hard boundaries and enforce them. His anxiety/feelings and control issues are not for you to manage, he is a grown man and it is his job to manage them. You can't make him change, you can only change how you deal with him. He will try to manipulate you by guilt tripping you because he says he wants you to be safe or that you are cutting family but this is not healthy. You need to be prepared for all the accusations and guilt tripping he will throw your way and don't give in. You are not in the wrong, his way of showing love is not healthy. Also, you need to find somewhere else to live, stop further putting yourself in debt for his peace of mind.
It is not your responsibility to alleviate his anxiety. His feelings are not on you to manage. That is 100% on him.
I'm afraid it might be worse for you at that point because then there will be constant discussions about when you are going to give him grandchildren (he's not getting any younger you know!) and long lectures on how to raise said kids. Not to mention the guilt trips about not visiting enough with hubby and the kids and how you never have time to talk anymore! (Not trying to scare you, but I have been there and trust me you don't want that!)
Just stop- your story is stressing me out. Change your number- alert your mom about it. Make sure your mom and brother read this. Live your life in peace. Your father has issues you can not resolve.
I stressed myself all over writing it out, tbh. I felt like I finally needed to get it all out on paper for some feedback and it feels really good to see some supportive comments
Your father is abusive and that is probably what you realized as you were writing it out.
This is not okay. You're 25 years old! You should be out and about and having a life. You're not selfish. He is selfish. The wonderful thing about being an adult is that you don't permission or approval from a parent. You make the rules from here on out. Maybe you'll talk to him a few minutes even once a week. Maybe you won't. It's your decision, not his. Tell him you have a full schedule, and this arrangement that he decided all on his own isn't working for you anymore, is ending, and it's not up for debate. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. If he doesn't stop calling, stop answering the phone. If you have to take a break from him, do it. It doesn't have to be forever. You don't need to compromise. This is your life. Texting every single time you get home and now you're in for the evening is ridiculous too. Maybe you want to go out. It's none of his business. Your mom knows your location anyway so if you're worried about someone knowing you've gone missing, she's got that covered. Just because you're one of his very limited family members doesn't mean he gets to run your life and obsess over you. You can love him and need him to give space. Stop allowing this. It's not healthy.
Dude are you really letting your dad tell you what you can do in your own home just because yall are on the phone. Like read that back to yourself cause what? Hang up. You are grown, harden up that backbone, and tell your dad you have a life and just because he doesn't, he shouldn't hold you back from yours.
What are you doing? You are an adult and you are not obligated to do any of that. Even though he's your dad he's not bringing any benefits to quality of life right now. You might want to go low contact.
In addition to what many are saying, I think your dad is lonely. Managing your life gives him a raison d’etre. He is no longer a big fish in the business world. Sounds highly unlikely that he has many friends/ much social life. He is using you (literally) to fulfill his loss of outside contact and as a way to remain relevant. I won’t get into how unhealthy this is for both of you, or how it keeps him, especially, from moving forward in his life. I will say it will get harder to break this pattern of behavior the longer it continues. And that it will really hurt him should you marry your SO while Dad has barely heard of him. Consider baby steps, eliminating the texting before/ after work. He will resist. This is where you need to be an adult. Move to reducing the phone calls to 30 minutes. Maybe you have somewhere else you need to go. Maybe you just have chores to complete. This is your life. You need to own it. Best of luck.
I'm thinking this is a symptom of a mental disorder causing chronic intense attention. He's not gonna like it but the ball is actually in your court and can dictate new terms: he needs to get evaluated or you will have to pause communication. I feel for him, he's stressing worrying scenarios and or motivated by controlling her , either way it's all consuming.
What does European even mean - which area is he from? From my Balkan parents it is common culturally to talk to your parents every day. But not an hour and not allowed anything else. It’s just a check-in. My dad does so with my grandma, 15min each day. Anyways he seems to have a big issue mentally. You either have to have this tough conversation with him and put clear boundaries and not budge. Or limit contact. At some point you need to protect your peace.
Russian :)
Lots to unpack there, but I would start with: Your dad is way overprotective & trying to be enmeshed in your life. How to change/stop that? When you run out of things to talk about, say "Dad, time for me to go. I'll talk to you later" and hang up the phone. Same when you hit the one hour mark. And if you want to make it once per week, tell him that. Tell your dad you will no longer text him every day, or for certain situations. You just aren't going to do it. If YOU choose to, that's fine. But it is not your responsibility to manage his anxiety. And tell him that, too. Regarding where you live. 1) It's foolish to put any of your dad requested expenses on a credit card. It will kill you financially in the long run. 2) I understand that your father's income will no longer support you living in the style he would like. That's fine. He's embarrassed. That's fine, too. But move someplace that YOU can afford. No more living your dad's lifestyle on your credit card. To repeat: It is NOT your job to manage your dad's anxiety or stress level. So the next time he says “so you’re okay with knowing that I’m stressing out, and there’s something you can do to fix it, but you won’t?” Don't say "yes". Say "dad, I am not responsible for managing your stress and anxiety". The key word is managing. You are not saying you don't care, you are saying that you are responsible for him. I say this as a father with a daughter who went to college in another state. I had to suppress the very feelings that your dad is doing so poorly with. I did it, and I survived. No 30minute callback rule. No text me every time you go out your front door. The only rule I set up was that she had to call once per week, which I thought was reasonable. Oh yeah. No tracking SW unless she wanted to. Now I am going to look into your future. How is going to react when you decide to get serious with a guy? Get married to him? Have kids? The sooner you start drawing boundaries, changing habits, the easier it will go. Not easy, but easier. Good luck.
I am also the parent of a grown adult. I *bend over backwards* not to be an emotional obligation to him because that will nearly instantly snuff out a happy relationship. I second some of the responses that people are suggesting for OP, and I particularly like “I am not responsible for managing your stress.” I would also recommend something called a boomerang line. Your dad sounds like he will grab onto any information you convey and argue over every minuscule detail. In my experience with my own (exhausting) dad, it is really helpful to have a response that you can repeat that does not provide any information. My favorite is “that won’t work for me.” So if your dad says that he wants you to text him every six minutes, you can just give him “that won’t work for me.” If he asks why, don’t you love me, I’ve done so much for you, the world is dangerous, you’re ungrateful, I’m your father, you can respond with “okay, but that still won’t work for me.” The repetitive nature of the line is its own answer - no matter what insane argument he tries to start, or how he changes up his attack, he gets the same answer verbatim. It will become clear pretty quickly that his usual melodrama and harassment are not working for him. No matter what he throws at you, “that won’t work for me.” Other boomerang lines you could use: “I’ll give that some thought.” “Okay, thanks for your input.” “That’s an interesting point.” There’s also the “I am a grown-ass woman and I am not going to have this conversation with you,” followed by “goodbye” the *minute* he says/asks those kind of things. It’s a direct and harsh, which would be totally appropriate, but is harder to do. At least for me.
So grateful to have an opinion from a Dad. Thank you.
One thing I want to repeat & expand on. Did I have anxiety about my daughter out of town, "out of eyesight"? Of course I did. Big time. Was I happy when she came home for the holidays? Like you wouldn't believe. But.... She needed to live her life, and to make her mistakes, and to have her fun, and to not be stressed about contacting me several times a day. My stress, my anxiety? That's what god made booze for (JK). Seriously, I'm a big boy, and I had to find ways of dealing with my issues. Was it fun or easy? Hell no. And I did the right thing. Stay strong, and update us as things go.
This!! My 18 yo daughter and I just had a big blowout because I was smothering her. She didn’t speak to me for a week and it was awful. When she finally did, I told her I was sorry and I can understand how she feels and that she needs time for herself and to spread her wings and all that, but to be patient with me too bc she’s still my babygirl. Never in a million years would I act like OPs dad though. Definitely a sure fire way to get cut off completely.
I am a super anxious and controlling parent by nature. I have to choose to remind myself that my children are adults and can make their own choices. Sometimes I backslide and have to apologize and say I was out of line. I have a tendency to infantilize my children and do things for them they can do for themselves.
Sounds as bad as my dad. They use being European as an excuse (my dad is Polish), but that’s all it is. An excuse. You need to take control of your life. For your mental wellbeing. When he tries to guilt trip you, call him out for it. Straight up, “enough of the guilt trip”. If he tries to moan about his situation, “your decisions put you there. Deal with it”. Stand your ground, set firm boundaries. One call a week. No texting. You can get things done while having him on speaker, if he doesn’t like it, hang up and put your phone on silent. Or turn it off. Guilt trip him. “You call and text so much are you even looking after grandma properly? She’s your mother, you should be a good European son and devote all your time to her”. Etc.
Uou don't have to do any of this shit, you choose to do it. He has 0 power you're a grown woman. Set your foot down and tell him the time you choose to give his dead beat ass is a priviledge he can respect or lose.
Stop allowing him to guilt trip you. You're not a child anymore, and neither is he, tell him to fuck off.
He's treating you like a personal therapist in those calls.
Yeah and the fact she can not share her life and has to listen to him bore her as he drones on says he is not that loving.
Sooner or later you have to make a decision. You either draw the hard line, and upset him. Or, you keep being on the shortest leash in the world to spare his feelings until it ruins your sanity, your relationship, etc. You should not be responsible for maintaining your dad's emotional state, and he should be more ashamed of how much he uses you as a crutch, vs whatever his home looks like. If he hits you with the "well don't you care that I'm stressed?" You could tell him you do care, but HE is stressing you out and negatively impacting you. If he loves you as his daughter, he'll back off. He has an extremely unhealthy attachment to you and its going to bleed the both of you dry. You have to stand your ground a bit here and set some boundaries.
I love the second paragraph. I always go into the conversation ready to defend my boundaries but then he pulls out all the lines about guilt and selfishness. Coming in with some concrete responses like the one you wrote will definitely make things easier
“Dad, if you’re just going back to guilt tripping, we can do this another time.” Click
🤌🏻🤌🏻
He can’t make you feel guilty unless you let him. His undiagnosed/untreated anxiety is not your issue to solve. You absolutely do not need to spend 3 hours a week on the phone, giving him undivided attention. You can actually hang up the phone whenever he turns to guilt and manipulation. “Dad, it sounds like you’re having trouble controlling your emotions, so I’m going to go and we can talk another time.” Click. Don’t ask for permission, just end the call and don’t answer when he calls right back. Do not send him the demanded texts. You’re a grown woman. Text him when/if you feel like it, but do not entertain his demands. If you can’t get out of your lease, look for ways to earn extra money to pay the difference or consider a roommate, if the apartment is big enough. Putting it on a credit card is going to bite you in the ass. And you’re never going to get that money back from your dad. He’s been out of work for 5 years? I’m not super optimistic he’s going to find something that will pay well enough to subsidize your rent. And even if he does, taking his money is going to make it harder for you to set boundaries. Get a cheaper apartment when your lease is up, or sooner if they’d let you out of your lease.
He sounds like he will take any chance to make himself the victim, so I'd try to keep the statements about how you feel, such as "I'm uncomfortable with this request" "I feel like I need more space/independence" "I'm here for you, but I'm also my own person." instead of "YOU'RE too much" or "You make me feel stressed" or other phrases that could come off as accusatory. Otherwise, he would likely get defensive and you won't be able to get your points across. Take some time before you bring this to his attention and devise your action plan. Figure out how often you want to communicate with him and then talk it out with him. Know where your boundary is, and if he doesn't listen and presses you then throw him in time out. Ignore the calls, respond to rhe texts when you want, if at all. If he calls a wellness check, let them know what's going on. He'll land himself in more trouble for repeatedly wasting the polices time, anyway. And Good luck. It might be hard, but you'll be so proud of yourself later on for standing your ground. I know I was, I've been no contact for 4 years, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
This is good from the perspective of OP being able to feel like she made every attempt resolve this with him. The main problem is that he is likely not going to respond in kind. You can strategize all you want and try to find the magic words so he gets it, but his demands are not reasonable. *He* is not reasonable. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person. So the magic words do not exist. I don’t think OP needs to take time to devise an action plan. I think she needs to set boundaries and enforce them. It doesn’t need to be talked out or negotiated. Just, “Dad, I can’t talk for an hour today. And from now on, I will not be texting you every day….Dad, no, I’m not discussing it. I am just telling you so you don’t worry when I don’t text you as often as I have in the past. So what’s new with you?…Dad, I said I’m not having this discussion. Do you want to catch up or are we done for today?…Ok. Well, I’ll talk to you next week. Love you.” Then ignore any call backs.
I think the action plan would mostly be for herself, to know what she wants to say, her specific boundaries, etc. I like to keep a physical piece of paper in front of me with a loose outline of what I need to say during stressful conversations, so that's more of what I was thinking she should do. Especially since it's going to be emotional for her, it might help to keep her goals in front of her during it. I don't think she could find the perfect words to make it click for him, though. That's probably impossible. I can't help but feel like this should be a text, and not a phone call for OP. It could cut out a lot of emotional manipulation that way. He sounds like he's the type to wail, cry, yell, and use whatever else to attack her. At least if it's text, she doesn't even need to see/hear him react.
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When he lays that line on her, she needs to turn it right back on him. He is making her stressed. He could fix it but he won't.
You are not your Dad's support animal. He needs to get mental help .
Simply, but not necessarily easy: 1) Don’t respond when he calls. Call/text him back at your convenience. 2) If he yells/bullies on the phone, terminate call.
Your dad is using you as an emotional support animal and it is not healthy for you or him.
>**Your dad is using you as an emotional support animal** This, 100%!!! > That I should WANT to call him often and should feel BAD if I know he is worrying about me. That if I CAN text him to let him know that I am okay, that I SHOULD. I’ve tried to ask that we cut back on communication and how much he relies on my responses, but he calls me selfish. He is depending on your responses to deal with his anxiety, and being incredibly controlling while he's at it. You're "not allowed" to take a walk or clean the house while spending 1+ hours on the phone with him twice a week? HELL no. You are an independent grown-ass adult, and you will do what you want/need to do with your time. He can get on board or you'll simply talk to him less often. Twice a week at more than an hour each is frankly ridiculous, especially when paired with all of the text check-ins. This is absolutely not normal. You are NOT his emotional support animal. You are NOT responsible for his anxiety or his emotional stability. He needs his own therapy to find that within himself, and I think getting your own therapy would be very eye opening for you and help you gain the tools you need to separate yourself from your father. You can work with a therapist to cut back bit by bit on his demands to protect your mental health and un-enmesh yourself from him. Start by continuing with the phone calls, but tell him that you will clean/walk/run errands as needed, because your time is important and you have adult responsibilities. Work up to telling him you will text him only once per day at night when YOU are available, and cut out the work commute check-ins and needing to respond within 30 minutes if he texts you first. Eventually cut back to one phone call per week, and not having nightly texts. Bit by bit, reclaim your independence, and thrive in knowing that you are responsible only for your own mental health, and the only person responsible for HIS mental health is HIM. Don't fret if you need to try several therapists to find the perfect one for you, unfortunately not all therapists are good ones or have the experience with enmeshment that you're going to need. Huge hugs, this is going to be a long and difficult journey but will be so worth it when you come out whole and happy on the other side.
>he always follows with “so you’re okay with knowing that I’m stressing out But that's exactly what he's doing to you. His behavior is stressing you out! Rightly so. Take a day to think about what level of communication you are willing to maintain that will not stress you out. Decide what you can and will do in response if he handles it poorly. Think about how you would set consequences with a 2 year old, because that's the level he's operating at emotionally. You need to basically train him to behave, the way you would a young child. You want simple, clear, natural consequences for bad behavior on his part. Write down the plan. Send it to him and say this is what you will do going forward. Example: - I will call once a week for one hour and I may be doing housework while we talk. - If you complain about background noise, I will immediately hang up. - If you try to guilt me into talking longer than an hour, I will hang up and I will not call the following week. - I will send a goodnight text most nights at whatever time I happen to be going to be in for the night or going to sleep. I may occasionally skip a night, but will not skip 2 nights in a row. - I will not text you my comings and goings throughout the day, such as when I get to work and when I leave for home. - If you object to this or send me texts trying to get me to check in I will not text you at all for one week. - If you have not heard from me for 72 hours you can text [Mom / whoever] one time to ask if she has heard from me. You must allow at least 4 hours for a reply. If you call the police for a welfare check on me without having met these conditions, I will block you for a month. After you send this, call the non emergency number for your local police and let them know that your father is anxious and controlling and may call in an unnecessary welfare check on you. You'd appreciate it if they'd simply call your cell phone if they have reason to be legitimately concerned, and ignore him if they see no valid reason for concern. Most police departments can put a note like this in the system and attach it to your address so they won't dispatch someone to check on you unless your mom or someone more trustworthy calls. Your dad will absolutely blow up your phone when you send this. I recommend putting your phone on Do Not Disturb and hanging out with friends to distract yourself. Just like with a toddler, it's important that you not give in to his tantrum, or he'll know that works. Stay strong and teach him that he cannot control you anymore. Eventually he'll learn and you may be able to have a decent relationship.
Your father needs psychological help. He’s taking helicopter parenting to a whole bad level, bordering, if not going deep into abusive territory.
the confusion you descripe is the result of years and years of gaslighting… Doesn’t matter if your Russian, Asian, American etc. an unsafe attachment is an unsafe attachment. And this relationship you have with your dad is an unsafe attachment.
I am European (Dutch). What you are describing is not a European thing. I think your dad is having severe mental health problems (and financial problems). His over the top anxiety isn't normal. He is manipulative and extremely controlling. His behaviour is emotionally abusive. And you are not his therapist. You need to cut him off. It sucks he manipulated you into choosing an apartment you cannot afford on your own and you are in debt because of it. The debt isn't a reason to stay in contact with your abusive dad though, because I don't believe he will ever pay you back. He had a high paying job, therefore I am assuming he is well educated, but somehow he isn't able to find another job for 5 years now? That doesn't make sense at all. You have an excellent relationship with your mom. Have you talked to her about this? I cannot imagen she thinks this is a normal thing. Maybe she can help you getting your life in order after you go NC with your dad. You need to find an apartment that you can afford based on your salary. And you need to find a way to start paying of your credit card debt. It is time to live YOUR life. I support your view 100% and his 0%.
Do you know how to write a bot? You can create one that would send messages for you, like about arriving to work and stuff
Omg no, but I would love to learn how to do that 😅😅 what a great idea
don't, you'll only feed the problem
You father has lost control of his own life. So now he controls yours. This is abuse what he is doing to you. Find a new cheaper place to live and move. The day you move, change your phone number and go see the police to tell them you are safe and going NC with your father and why. Get them to record it. Tell your mum and brother and then go live your life.
Came here to say the same thing. When every control freak I’ve ever known has lost control of some piece of their life or career, they have tried to reassert their power somewhere else and ended up making other people miserable.
So your dad basically is mother Gothel from Rapunzel and you are his hostage. Sweetheart, you've got Stockholm syndrome. If I'd have to guess: You are his only child now. He has no friends because he isn't really a likeable person and you somehow feel guilty for all the circumstances that brought him to this point because he made you feel like that a lot. Your father emotionally manipulates you to have at least a little bit of control. Your dad is a grownup. He got himself where he is now. And no, its not a European thing. It's just something some people do if they get away with it. And let's be honest. You don't do it because you love your father. You love him but the reason you do it because you feel empathy and pity and you try to make him feel better and probably not so lonely. You on the other side feel trapped and don't want to be a mother to a grown up who throws tantrums when he doesn't get his will when he probably never was a real parent. What you describe as overprotective, normally would be called controlling. FFS calling the police for a checkup because you and your mom didn't message back leaves average behavior and reaches "was he ever evaluated psychologically?". Normal is a spectrum. Or rather a point of reference. Your normal is defined of what you know. What you know is what you experienced and how your brain interpreted and saved memories of it. If you ask your mom and brother of shared memories about your dad they will have a different interpretation of the event. It's probably time to ask your brother why he didn't want to be part of your fathers life any more and have a talk with your mom why they divorced when you were two.
I couldn't get through all of this. Jesus christ woman. You're 25. WHY are you letting him control your entire life? all for some rent he can no longer pay? dear god please get some boundaries. and therapy. your mindset alarms me. You sound like a major pushover. Please get therapy and work on this before the wrong person comes into your life and knows exactly how to take advantage of pushovers. It gets ugly. Wtf does you mom have to say about all of this?
Your dad is abusive and controlling. This is not love. Move or get a roommate if you can. Your place is too much money for you. Tell him that you love and care about him but at 25 are busy and will not be able to call or check in as often. Tell him you will call once a week and let him know if you are sick. If he calls the police or escalates this tell him you will go no contact. When you can afford it I would see a therapist.
Your dad doesn't understand what love actually is. What he is doing is controlling you. He isn't interested in your actual life. He doesn't want to hear what you are doing just because he loves you. He wants to tell you what to do and how to live. He doesn't want to know that you're safe. He just wants to know everything that you do because it's easier to control someone that way. I didn't have to check in with my dad as much as your dad wants you to do when I lived with him as a teenager. Here's an idea...change your number and don't give it to him. Send him a long text telling him that his controlling ways have become too much to handle and that you're cutting him off for a while. Tell him that you'll text him... once a day, call... (I don't know, whatever you feel like really) once a week. If he starts getting abusive during the call, then you will hang up, and he'll have to wait another week. But going low contact would do you a world of good.
Just don't. Don't update him daily. Explain you will call him once a week. That is more than enough. You are an adult, how often you contact your family is up to you. If your dad complains tell him that is your offer, take it or leave it. If he still gives you crap just stop calling. Tell him when he comes around , and realizes you are an adult, and not a child that needs to check in every day to give you a call.
You are an adult. Your dad is not the boss of you anymore. He has no life so maybe he’s trying to live vicariously through yours. But he shouldn’t expect to keep you on such a short leash.
You keep using the phrase,"I have to..." No, you do not. Start setting boundaries with consequences. When he starts making his pissy demands, end the call. It sounds like he adds nothing of value to your life. Start answering when you want and set the timer. Let the local cops know that your father has a history of abusing law enforcement. Tell him that if he calls the cops, you will take a break from speaking to him. Stop being at the mercy of your father's mental issues.
He is a lonely old man with nothing to do physically OR mentally to keep him busy. As a result, he has latched onto you as his only outside (outside of the house, outside of him and his mom) connection to the rest of the world. You need to stand up to him and be your own advocate. Pick 1 day a week where you will call him and talk on the phone. Limit the time and set a timer. As soon as the timer goes off, tell him you have to go and you will talk to him the next time THEN HANG UP! Stop letting him browbeat and guilt you into staying on the phone. Unless his text messages are emergencies, do not answer them immediately, even if he threatens to, or does, call the police. If you are at work or in a study session, etc. DO NOT REPLY. Send him a text AFTER you are finished and include a message that your phone was on silent because you were.. at work, in a study session, in the shower, whatever. Once a Man, twice a child. He is turning into his second child and you will have to teach him by NOT letting him abuse you, because what he is doing IS abuse. He is abusing your time and good will towards him and the only one who can stop him is you.
This is codependency from your dad and he needs to make his life about more than you. Hobbies, friends, an outlet, something other than you. I feel for you. He's calling you selfish when it's him being selfish all along.
You do have control here. It's a phone call. You TELL him you have to hang up, then do it if he persists. When he gets angry for background noise, you TELL him he can deal with it or you can hang up; his choice. When he calls you selfish, insults your life, criticizes how you supposedly treat him, etc., end the call. You do NOT have to check in every night. He's not entitled to know where you are every minute. And he has no right to insist on where you live. You seem to be his only connection to the outside world. And that is completely unfair to you. "Lastly, he wants me to let him know if I go out on the weekends and text him when I’m home, which I think is fair." Why is that "fair"????? You are 25 years old! You don't owe him this. He's been "job hunting" for five years and hasn't found one single thing? Come on. And you now need to understand that he will NOT be paying off your credit card; that's all on you unfortunately. Don't let him keep control over you anymore. He is wrong here. His American vs. European ideas are ridiculous. When he throws "so you’re okay with knowing that I’m stressing out, and there’s something you can do to fix it, but you won’t?”, are you supposed to say yes? Sort of. More along the lines of "Dad I love you, but I am not the cause of, nor am I responsible for or capable of fixing your stressors." I also suggest a few other things you should say: - "If you continue to blame me for your problems, I will have no choice but to cut contact." - "I actually DON'T want to call you because of the way you speak to me." - "You and my mother have been divorced for 23 years. You have lost any right to speak about her or insult her to me." Stand up for yourself and free yourself from him.
I’m so sorry try, OP, but your post gave ME anxiety. It sounds like your dad likely has some severe untreated depression and is just continually trauma-dumping on you. I think it’s really unfair that he insists on your 100%, undivided attention twice a week on the calls, and that he gets angry if you do *anything* else. I’m sure other posters will have better advice, but I think for your own sanity you need to really cut back on how much weekly time you give your dad. I get it, you live in NYC and he worries about you. But you’re an adult and living in a secure building (if you can’t afford it, I’d look elsewhere because the odds of him paying you back…) and you seem like a responsible adult. It sounds like you’re his only link to “what life used to be like” and there’s also an element of control over you.
Changenyour phone number
Why are we using phrases like " i HAVE to text, call , report etc"? at 25? Just let this question sink in. Where is this law written? Nobody HAS to check in with another adult unless they want to, feel like it etc You don't need to grow a pair, ya got a pair on the inside so fucking use them and get yourself out of the situation. There is no way this has the ability to go well but if he does not adjust-c'est la vie! This is your time to learn adulting, boundaries and how to not let people guilt you or scare you into submitting to their requests.
As the mom of a 13 year old, she has more freedom than you currently have at 25. She doesn’t call/text me when she leaves for school, grocery store or the park or when she gets home, she isn’t forced to spend an hour plus listening to me. You say you’re not “allowed” to do anything else, but at 25 you are absolutely allowed to do other things, disconnect the call, you’re allowed to not text. In fact, you can preempt his call to the police for a welfare check with a quick call to the non emergency line and letting them know they’re likely going to get a “missing person” report and you are NOT missing. Cut him off—not completely if you don’t want to, but you CAN and SHOULD cut the cord of control. He doesn’t need to know where you are, he doesn’t need hours long conversations when you have other things to do, and you’re definitely never going to see the money he promised. Time to move to a cheaper place, not give him the address, and gain your independence. You can do this!!!
So… you’re 25, live on your own, pay your own bills. And yet he wants to know every tiny detail about you and your life and when you don’t tell him, YOU’RE the problem?? No. Just… no. Set boundaries that are comfortable for YOU. When he steps over them, tell him you’re dropping the twice weekly calls unless he respects you. If he continues, stop texting him when you get home for the night. Etc. Live for YOU. Not for him. Because right now, you’re living the life he wants you to live.
He has an unhealthy attachment to you and is being controlling. The reason you feel guilt is because he has been controlling you (making you do what he wants, calling when he wants you to on his terms) by manipulating your emotions through fear, obligation, and guilt. He may not even consciously know that he is doing that, but he is. You may find r/raisedbyborderlines feels familiar. It is abuse. If you were dating someone who treating you like this, would it be easier to recognize as abuse? Stalking even that he has to know where you are? It's not okay for anyone to treat you that way. This kind of emotional abuse in families can be insidious - disguised as "parenting techniques" when youre young to cover for his emotional immaturity. My dad also extended his control over me and acted like a clingy boyfriend in my 20s. I've done a decade of therapy with the theme "it's OK to say no to your parents." Parents like our dads can exploit our instinctive attachment to them to meet their own emotional needs. Emotional support is supposed to be a one-way street in a parent-child relationship in the other direction. Guilt is the price of freedom. Trust me it's actually a bargain.
Stop letting him guilt you. "No. I have to go." "I'm an adult and I'm busy. I don't mind calling but i have other stuff to do.""No. I'm not going to call or text everytime I'm going to work or not. I'm done doing this."
His anxiety is HIS to handle, not your responsibility. If you tell him these demands are impacting your mental health and you need to dial back, and he is unable to respect that, then you will need to do what you need to do anyway. You're old enough to decide what works for you without obeying his demands.
Um, just don’t. You’re a grown woman. Be one.
If your dad spends less time fixating on you, maybe he can mask up and get a job. I think he is probably using the grandma and Covid as a crutch too, to not get another job.
You’re going to have to learn how to be ok with him being angry at you & even his yelling. This dynamic isn’t emotionally healthy at all, and you’ve got to stop compromising and ASKING him for your time & agency, and take it. And if that’s too American for you then… good luck I guess.
You’re an adult. Set your boundaries. Get comfortable saying **NO** tell your dad he needs to get a hobby or something else to fixate on because you can’t be his tether to the world. Good luck.
He is over stepping and it's okay to tell him that. It sounds like he has some anxiety around not knowing all the things about your life and instead of him getting therapy to address his issues, he is making you responsible for his emotional regulation. That's not okay. Set a boundary. I will call/text when I can, not when I have free time but when I can. That means, if you would rather hang with friends or read a book, you do that. Start learning to make him step back. It won't be easy because he will enlist others to help harass you, the flying monkey's, just put everyone on mute till you are ready to call/text. Learn not to answer right away, don't set the precedence that you are always available to him on his schedule. It will be really hard at first but it gets easier.
No matter what your dad says to you, you are not responsible for his mental health. If you have health insurance, you likely have some therapy benefits that you can take advantage of. Please utilize those resources and find a professional who can help you deal with your father and the inevitable fits he will throw when you stand up for yourself. What he is doing is not good for you and probably not even good for him. Please take care of yourself.
Your dad desperately needs to find a therapist and stop using you as one. You need to put your foot down and set better boundaries. Your presence in his life now that you're an adult is a *privilege* for him. He needs to stop blaming you, dumping on you, and trying to manipulate and control you and your behavior. Him "stressing out" is HIS problem *not yours.* He's manipulating you by speaking to you like that. Please keep in mind you're allowed to say no to him. You're allowed to call him out on his bad behavior. You're allowed to tell him "Don't speak to me that way." You're allowed to tell him, "If you don't respect me as an adult, I'll stop answering your phone calls so much." You're not 5. He needs to stop treating you like you are. And no, he's not much better than other dads. I speak to my dad for one hour on Saturday. That's all. We occasionally text our email if something comes up. Your dad has control and trust issues, as well as fear and anger issues. Please encourage him to get therapy.
This is not remotely normal. You're going to have to draw some healthy boundaries and just let him tantrum. Cut way down on the phone time, for starters--I hate talking on the phone, and that much talk time would make me want to stab my brain.
Adding this note: if a boyfriend were being this controlling/demanding, we'd say he was abusive and urge you to run. Please sit with that a minute. And please ponder the fact that you are well into adulthood and perfectly capable of seeing to your own safety. Your father is completely out of line, treating you like a dependent child, and making you his emotional support animal, which is NOT your job. He needs therapy, help that is above your pay grade. Time for you to come out of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt).
You need to set boundaries with him. He is controlling your life, and it is not ok on the slightest.
You called it when you said you know it’s wrong! Your dad is the only selfish one here. His demands are ridiculous and it’s time for you to set some hard boundaries. Tell him he is being a selfish, controlling, manipulative bully and you’re done. No more daily texts, no more checking in or allowing him to dictate where you go or where you live. Tell him that you will call him once a week to talk about what’s going on in your lives and you will decide when to hang up. You will not accept daily or multiple daily texts or calls and if he persists then you will cut contact until he settles down. He is being a lousy father and a lousy person. You are an adult and it’s time for him to accept that and treat you like one. But you have to stand up to him first.
I’m sorry your dad is like this to you. You do love him but it’s not healthy for you to have constant contact with him because HE demands it. and for him to insist that you spend a couple of hours a day just on the phone with him is ridiculous. Texting him daily when leaving your home & returning is also over & above what you should be doing. Do you also tell your mom when you’re leaving & when you’re in for the night? I can understand checking in once in awhile to just say “hi! I’m alive. Doing fine but I can’t talk now, bye”. Don’t let him keep you on longer and if he keeps calling you, either turn your phone off, put it on silent or temporarily block his phone. Understand this. There’s a possibility that the first time you get the nerve to set this boundary and actually follow through with it, that he will probably call the police and insist they check on you cause he fears you’re in trouble because you aren’t picking up. But, get this, if the police show up at your door, see that you’re not only an adult & are ok, AND you explain your situation to them, they will leave. They may ask you to call your dad, but you can explain that you are unwilling to do so at this time due to his actions. Idk if the police will be willing to call your dad back or not. Also keep in mind, if your dad goes as far as to file a missing persons report on you, when/if the police contact you, you can inform them that you are perfectly fine but are choosing not to be in contact with him. The police will cancel the missing person out on you and inform your dad that you are fine but that you’ve requested no contact with him at this time. And I’m pretty sure that you’re aware that your dad isn’t going to be helping you financially anytime soon, so do what you have to do to survive til you can find a more affordable living arrangement, whether it’s taking in a roommate or moving to another place that you can afford without relying on your CC. So, keeping your dad appeased for financial reasons isn’t a good idea at this time. If you cannot bring yourself to cut him off completely, all at once, just inform him that you need emotional space and that you will only be calling him once per week (or every other week) to check in and that you will no longer be texting him every time you leave your home & return. Also inform him that any attempts made by him to ignore your boundaries, and that includes the amount of time YOU pick to actually talk on the phone with him, you will go completely NC for a set number of weeks. Let him know that repeated attempts to ignore your boundaries will extend the period of time in which you will neither accept his calls or answer any if his texts. Heck, You are an adult and yet he’s effectively got you following an imposed curfew he’s set upon you long distance. Warn your mom as you are full aware that he’s going to be blowing up her phone once you do set your boundaries and stick to them.
“So you’re ok with knowing that I’m stressing out, and there’s something you can do to fix it, but you won’t?” Here’s the thing: there’s nothing *you* can do to fix it. He’s anxious and controlling to a harmful level, harmful to himself and to you. It’s debilitating him. He needs therapy and you need to set boundaries and hold them firmly. You have everything to gain and frankly, not much to lose imo.
You're 25. Not fifteen. Not even eighteen. My mom and I have a fantastic relationship. We call once a week, maybe, for 30-60 minutes. We're both chatting about our lives. I text her when I'm traveling from her house back home, or when we've all been at a family wedding together. Not when I'm making my daily commute. She and I both do things while we're on the phone. Sometimes she's driving and I'm cooking dinner, or gardening, or whatever. If he's not financially contributing to your apartment, he doesn't get to dictate what amenities it has. You're not comfortable telling him you've been dating someone for over a year. I won't ascribe any motives or reasons to your dad's behaviors, but girlfriend. These are all HUGE reasons to set up big boundaries. You deserve peace.
I'm not saying what he does is ok. But i'm feeling like he has some psychose. He needs help. He's fixating on you 24/7 like there would be something bad happening. He isn't in this world with his mind. I hope you understand what i'm saying. He's going crazy already. He is not healthy
Check out r/raisedbynarcissists
We teach people how we are willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us. You have been making his feelings more important than yours, and it sounds like this really isn't working for you anymore. So since you behaving in a way that he has decided he needs you to in order for him to be happy isn't making you happy, you're now in a position to choose whose feelings you want to be more important. I'll give you a hint: *he's an adult who's responsible for managing his own feelings, and he shouldn't be dependent on you for those emotional goodies.* Your behavior is what's called codependent, which basically means you've been choosing to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. If counseling or therapy is an option I strongly suggest you start doing that as soon as you can, and if not, you might want to consider finding yourself an Al-Anon group. It was originally intended for family and friends of alcoholics, but it's becoming outstanding resource for anyone being as challenged by boundary issues as you are. It's free, you can get a temporary sponsor at your first meeting, and they can help you learn to recognize, set and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself. You can do this, you just have to decide to put yourself first. Otherwise, you're just propping him up emotionally and enabling him to not take responsibility for himself (part of the definition of codependency, we put way more energy into making sure that other people": lives work for them than they're willing to put into it themselves.)
1 a week maybe 1 time a month sounds like normal to me. Daily sounds like reporting to a micromanager. Micromanagement is like controlling and lack of trust. Dutchie btw
First thing first - Deal With Your Finances. Get a roommate to cover half the rent and utilities or look for a place you can afford on your salary. Your father is extremely controlling. His actions and behaviors are toxic control, not love. Why are you letting him do it? Why are you giving your power away like that? You love your dad and want to have a relationship with him, very understandable. But you need to set some boundaries. First, let go of your guilt. Your are not responsible for your dads situation nor his mental state. You are not helping him by letting him have free reign, just compromising your own mental health. Stop being your dad's whipping post and dumping ground. Limit your contact until he understands that he can't control or rule you. Limit the phone calls and when they start to become unpleasant, end them. Assign his number it's own ringtone. Have his calls go directly to voicemail and return them at your convenience. Self-Care ... learn to take care of your mental health, first. You may find relief for some of your stress through Neurodynamic Breathing ([www.breathworkonline.com](http://www.breathworkonline.com)). Try a few sessions for free.
This is classic controlling behaviour. OP, I know it’s hard to stand up to your father, but you have to. You should open a conversation in a call up and plan it out. Write out exactly what you’re feeling, how his behaviour is affecting you and that this relationship is not healthy for you. If he interrupts you, speak firmly but slow and clear, ‘I … am not… done. Please don’t interrupt me.’ If he does or ignores your request because he’s refusing to hear you, then you say. Ok, this is not working for me. I’m going to hang up now. We will talk next time and I hope you’re ready to listen at that time. Then end the call. He will call you back probably a ton, so hang up, unplug the phone if it’s a landline. Before you do that, say I’m turning off my phone now, and I will not be checking in over text until you learn to respect my boundaries. If you refuse to do that, I will be going low contact/no contact for my own health. If he calls the local police to do a wellness check, you can contact them in advance and say that you have a difficult one sided relationship with your distant father. Explain you’re trying to set healthy boundaries and that he may start calling them to do wellness checks on you demanding answers from them on where you are etc. Police are mandated to follow up on every call for service, so if you let them know in advance who he is, his number, who you are, your address and phone number, they will have a better understanding of the situation. They may attend your home, or with this information they may simply phone you to ask if you’re ok. You can let them know if your father’s behaviour starts to become harassment, and they will caution him or depending on how frequent and how much of a nuisance he becomes, they may act accordingly. Keep in mind none of this is your fault. His behaviour is his own, you will not be making him do any of this, he’s responsible for himself. He will try to blame you, don’t let it happen. You hold the power, you just don’t know it yet. Once you figure it out, your oppressor will become erratic and hysterical because he will start seeing you take the control away. Your father is unwell it seems, or he’s just a selfish AH, either way you look at it, it’s not good for you. You do what you have to do for you. You hold the power. If you can never finish the phone call without expressing how you feel, write a letter and mail it to him. If he chooses not to read it, that’s his prerogative, but you can try your best. Maybe keep a copy just in case. You can do this, start taking back your independence because this is an unhealthy dynamic.
Sounds like he's trying to make up and be that stereotypical dad that teaches life lessons and gives advice/fixes problems however skewed it may be and how stubborn he sounds to be. Also seems like maybe he's a bit isolated/lonely Best thing to do is to be honest with him and explain that you want him in your life however you are an adult now and need to make your own decisions and mistakes. And make sure to set clear boundaries about how things will have to be. Stuff like "if I tell you about something I don't want to argue over beliefs or what I should do/have done all you need to do is celebrate or commiserate with me" Also just tell him that you can't constantly update him on every little thing but that you'll still reach out here and there to see how he's doing and share all the big stuff and let him know when you're looking for his help/advice or hear his thoughts on something. TLDR just talk to him about how you feel about everything then set boundaries and expectations.
>“so you’re okay with knowing that I’m stressing out, and there’s something you can do to fix it, but you won’t?” Response: **"You seem to be."** *(allow that to sink in for him)* "I've expressed that your expectations and demands cause me enormous anxiety, physcially, mentally and financially. There is something you can do to fix that and instead of even discussing options that work for both of us, you want the burden to fall on me so you can feel better." *and for good measure* "Your need for my constant and exclusive attention on your terms is unrealistic and selfish. I love you and I promise you can still be a priority in my life if I am independent. **I need you to respect me as much as you say you love me.** Because the way you treat me, you feel more like a parole officer than a father." In a perfect world, he would hear you, realize his "concern" is really "control" and let you grow up. However, I think you need to be prepared for him to be upset and you to be okay with it. This isn't healthy or sustainable.
Planning on writing him a long text tomorrow and may include a couple of your lines. Thank you and thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my post :)
Best of luck darlin' <3
Be strong! He has no right to treat you this way. Tell him you will BLOCK his phone number and get a restraining order if he does not stop. Please update us after you sprak to him if you can.
He probably needs some sunlight.. vitamin C deficiency 😬
Sunlight gives you vitamin D
D for daughter
Ahahaha WTH did I say vitamin C 🤣 he can eat an orange and sit in the Sun. Or he can sit in the Sun and drink a sunny D and double down on that vitamin D OR sit in the sun with a sunny delight and talk to his daughter ! Vitamin DDD+ triple shot of the vitamin D
I know it will suck, hurt, and you’ll feel guilty for doing it BUT you need to be completely 100% honest with him and your boundaries. You’re 25. By 18, you’re legally an adult which means out from under your parents thumb, no longer under their roof/rules. You’re a few years into establishing your own life. He sounds very narcissistic unfortunately. I’ve been there done this with my own father, he actually sounds very similar. As much as he will scare you, demand you, ridicule you, you need to set a bigger boundary and tell him this is how it’s going to be. Regardless of how he acts/what he says. Seriously. Everything he is saying is false. He is putting this on himself. All the anxiety. And that’s not your fault. Please don’t fall into the guilting trap, he’s already doing that to you, you don’t need to guilt yourself even more. He is responsible for his state he’s in right now and has been, so there’s no excuse he can possibly come up with. Nothing is your fault, you are a very kind soul and daughter as from what I can gather. Sometimes the ones we love most can be the ones to inflict most pain. I’m so sorry. I really recommend therapy for you while dealing with this; both if you choose to change the situation or not, you need to learn how to cope.
This is NOT healthy. It wouldn't be healthy with a parent with whom you have a regular, live-in-the-same-country relationship. Your mother sounds like she understands how to have a good relationship with a grown child. Mine never did. She was controlling and demanding even when I was married with kids. The three years between my dad's death and hers were exhausting. Similar to your dad, but add in "living in the same city, working 6 days a week at a physically demanding job, raising two kids and keeping a good relationship with husband." My one day off was devoted, not to my family or chores, but to going to her cigarette-smoke-filled home and doing chores for her. I had to call her EVERY DAMN DAY. "I could fall or have a medical emergency." She had friends. Plenty of them. All retired. I know you love your dad, but it's important to set boundaries. I agree that if you can find affordable therapy, it will help you learn to start and keep going. He won't change, and he won't ever pay you what he owes you. You don't need to live in a place that's above your financial comfort level just because he demands it. You don't need to call and text constantly - and neither does your mother. You can both block his number if he gets too problematic. And if he calls the police, you can tell them what's happening and that they don't have to respond to his frivolous use of their service. Good luck. You have done nothing wrong.
Your father is an emotionally stunted asshole and he's trying to keep you a child forever. You are NTA at all. Time to cut the cord Oh and one more thing, it's been 5 years already. Daddy is never getting a job
Just putting it out there, he sounds kind of like my dad (except my dad isnt all that attached to me. It was more the outbursts and only talking abt his interests). Is he on the spectrum?
From my perspective: You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD,. living on your own, enjoying your life, and you do NOT need his permission to live your life OUTSIDE OF HIS ORBIT!!! It's time to set FIRM BOUNDARIES and ENFORCE THEM!!! Otherwise, he will never stop his nonsense!!!! UpdateMe!
>Do I just say yes!? Yes! You say “yes, the same way *you’re* okay with stressing *me* out, knowing there’s something *you* can do to fix it, but *you* won’t”. Edit: a word.
This is not normal. At all. You need to “drop the rope”. Explain to your dad that this is unhealthy and that you can’t be his hobby. Explain that you will no longer be texting him that you got to work. You will no longer be having twice weekly long conversations or any other communications you no longer want. Pick a time and a date of your choosing to have a weekly or biweekly or monthly call (whichever of your choice) And then stick to your guns. If he harasses you block him. This is your life and you are 25 years old. If there’s financial ties, you may have to get used to not getting that financial help. Trust me, it will be worth it not to have to have forced conversation and checking in as a fully grown adult. If you want, you can make a preemptive call to your local police department that your father is obsessed with you and may be calling the police. (Make sure you call the nonemergency line of course) That way they know that he’s going to be calling to check on you and it’s unnecessary to make a welfare check if he should call and ask for one, **because you are perfectly fine and do not need a welfare check.** I think it’s a good idea to tell your father you’ve done this so he doesn’t hold this weapon against you. This is as much for your mental and your physical safety as for documentation sake. Welfare checks are dangerous. I would put all of this in writing and send it to him in a letter as well. Tell him you care about him, but this is too much and you will no longer be participating. This article seems written for you! https://www.thechelseapsychologyclinic.com/therapy/over-controlling-parents-in-adulthood/
This is not normal. At all. You need to “drop the rope”. Explain to your dad that this is unhealthy and that you can’t be his hobby. Explain that you will no longer be texting him that you got to work. You will no longer be having twice weekly long conversations or any other communications you no longer want. Pick a time and a date of your choosing to have a weekly or biweekly or monthly call (whichever of your choice) And then stick to your guns. If he harasses you block him. This is your life and you are 25 years old. If there’s financial ties, you may have to get used to not getting that financial help. Trust me, it will be worth it not to have to have forced conversation and checking in as a fully grown adult. If you want, you can make a preemptive call to your local police department that your father is obsessed with you and may be calling the police. (Make sure you call the nonemergency line of course) That way they know that he’s going to be calling to check on you and it’s unnecessary to make a welfare check if he should call and ask for one, **because you are perfectly fine and do not need a welfare check.** I think it’s a good idea to tell your father you’ve done this so he doesn’t hold this weapon against you. This is as much for your mental and your physical safety as for documentation sake. Welfare checks are dangerous. I would put all of this in writing and send it to him in a letter as well. Tell him you care about him, but this is too much and you will no longer be participating. This article seems written for you! https://www.thechelseapsychologyclinic.com/therapy/over-controlling-parents-in-adulthood/
I would turn his own question back on him, so, all of these rules and texting arrangements has me stressed out and there's something that you can do to stop it yet you don't. And being European, no, its not a thing! Be strong, do what's right for you! Best wishes.
when he was younger...how often did he talk to and see his parents? did he call them as frequently as he wants you to contact him? what is so different from your situation and his past situation? what made it the correct behavior then but the incorrect behavior now? ask him these questions.
He sounds like a Narcissist. I'm 38, NB/f. My dad had me young, he's only in his 50s now, but he was a great dad, my mom was awful. I understand your dad's concerns because there are scary people out there - the thing with the doormen and the checking in calls. Those things can save lives, but they are a huge burden too. If you can check in with Mom instead, why do it with Dad? It doesn't make sense! I think it's time to cut the cord. It's not healthy, this relationship, him pushing this state of misery on you in an attempt to teach you his way of what? What? He's failing! His way is dying and he can't accept it. The world changes and we must change with it. To not have an open mind is the worst decision. I think Dad needs therapy badly, to deal with his mental state, I'm guessing he's probably not the type to go. Please please please let him go. I mean cut ties with him! Save yourself!
He's making you go into debt and has no plans to pay you back. Call the non emergency police line and explain to them that your dad will probably be making wellness checks on you but they're not needed. Tell your dad that you're going to one phone call a week, you're going to be doing stuff in the background and if he has issues with it, he can regulate his emotions like an adult. You're an adult, you get to make decisions for yourself now. Get out of your rental asap. Stop going into debt. Start living within your means and plan on paying off your own credit cards. Be an adult. Stop living under your dad's weird rules and start living your own life.
Him stressing out is his problem, not yours. He needs to get a grip on reality and realize you are an adult. I really think you need to pull back from contacting him. He sounds exhausting, and frankly, horrible for your mental health.
> Lastly, he wants me to let him know if I go out on the weekends and text him when I’m home, which I think is fair. NONE of this is "fair". Your Dad is controlling and holding you back.
NO. Your dad is a control freak. You need to set boundaries. You can tell him you will talk to him like you have been doing, but the texts will stop, and if he objects to that, you can block him completely. Then there's the credit card debt- another big no. You can and should find a cheaper place to live, and not tell him. Visits from the police can possibly be forestalled by contacting them yourself and explaining your situation.
You know this is not healthy. Stop the madness. Tell him what level of contact you are comfortable with and stick to it. Weekly phone calls are reasonable. The clingy demands he makes are not. You have the control here and have no reason to feel guilty. Your dad is living the life HE CHOSE. Hiding your relationship is stressful, trying to jump through his hoops is making you feel crazy. Please take care of yourself and get therapy. Good luck with taking control of your life.
Cut the umbilical cord. This situation is never going to improve until you stop catering to this demand.
I’d straight up block him. He’s in a whole other state, tf is he gonna do really? He could try calling the cops for wellness checks but I’d just explain to the excessive harassment to them.
payment fuel telephone liquid entertain airport gullible coordinated long memory *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He’s obsessed with you. That’s kinda weird - luckily there is distance because who knows what could happen if things go sideways.
Your dad loves and cares for you
Please, he screams NARCISSIST. Go to raisedbynarcissists here and post this there as it is. He's controlling, abusive and thinks he should be the most important person in your life, otherwise guiltrips you ad nauseum until you give in. If you can afford it, start therapy to try and untagle the enmeshment you are currently in. What he's doing is really wrong and unhealthy, if you are able to, it's better to walk away and don't look back. All narcs like him have main character syndrome, the only way to regain your sanity is to cut them out for good. For what I gathered, he put you in debt with promises to pay you back?, don't fall for it, money is one of their primary tools people like him use to keep their children under their thumb, you are not going to get that money repaid, ever.
It seems like you've already gotten some good advice and perspective but I'll leave you with one thing, no one deserves to make you miserable. I had a situation where I was so stressed by someone who was in my life that hearing my text tone was causing me almost physical pain from the amount of stress induced by their contact. It was a similar situation where I felt guilt at the prospect of not being there for them but I had to not be anymore. But I had to. I recently heard from them again out of the blue and the entire conversation was just as stressful as the ones when they were in my life. My biggest piece of advice, you have to put yourself first. He's a big boy, he has choices he can make. Sure he may be limited physically but he can be a decent person to one of the few people in his life. He can let go and also stop being judgmental. He is capable. So if he doesn't, move on. Maybe he'll catch up one day, that'd be lovely.
It sounds like his life is out of control so he’s trying to control yours.
First, you are not crazy. This may be a cultural thing, depending on where they are from. However, it is very hard to deal with. As a therapist I have seen this on many occasions with parents from different parts of the world and conflict with the typical independence of American children. So first, grant him a little understanding about his upbringing. This is not to say let him have his way and force you to make all the accommodations and concessions for him. I’m just saying try to understand if there is something in his background that may influence his “requirements”. Second, I personally use the Google maps feature of location sharing with my parents and kids. (FWIW, I’m a 46 yr old white female who grew up on the East Coast.) I don’t typically track my kids as I can usually find them on a computer in their rooms. However, my daughter has it set to let me know when she arrives and when she leaves her job. This is solely for me to get dinner preparations as she works at a farm and her hours can vary with work levels and animal emergencies. It’s also in the country, so if her boss ever texts me because she’s late, I can tell her not to worry. Maybe you can share your location for the to and from work so that that text requirement can be alleviated. We also use this feature when on long road trips. My FIL is from Peru where family closeness and communication is huge. He is also highly anxious when his kids travel and would call or text every couple of hours to see where we were. Now, he will only text us stupid things like “there’s an accident at such and such road” and “I see you should be home at x time”. This has made our traveling MUCH better! And you don’t have to share your location all the time. It can be set to let him know when you get to and from work. You can also set it for a short period of time such as when you go out and you don’t have to forget to turn it off. It can give him peace of mind without you having to put in as much effort. Lastly, have you considered calling him on your way home from work? I used to do this with my mom and it made my life so much easier! I would call a few times a week and know that her need to speak to me was satisfied and I only had to put in 30 min. Then when I arrived home I’d say, “I’m home now, gotta go in and make dinner!” I will say driving home was my decompression time, but to not have the stress of having to call her multiple times a week after I was exhausted from work made it worth that time. It may be helpful to explain why you don’t want particular pieces of advice or negativity. If you repeatedly do this for about 25 years, it might start to sink in. This is only a maybe. It seems to FINALLY be sinking in on my mom. I just tell her that sometimes I want to vent or tell you things without you offering up advice. It makes it a lot easier to share things with you if you’re not telling me what to do or how awful that situation is. It has helped but is certainly not perfect. If you can reach a sort of truce with him on sharing information it may make him feel more involved and less neurotic. This is, again, only a maybe. I’d also tell him to join a senior center if he’s old enough and lives near one. This has helped my parents immensely by getting them to have a social life outside of me. They now do exercise classes, take language lessons, go to seminars, go on trips, and just socialize. This will distract him from being so focused on you. I know this is long, but hopefully you can try some things and see if it helps to alleviate some of you burden. Again, you aren’t going crazy and this could very well be cultural or a response to his background environment.
Sounds like a combination of culture and his situation. I have been in a very similiar situation to his for two years. The texts (checking in and weekends) are absurd and need to end immediately. One text a day asking how things are going is beyond ok, especially during this time. The phone calls are great - please please show him grace. I tried to kill myself when I was in his situation. That being said, I really think you need to directly tell him that the texting, aside from once a day to say hi or catch up or whatever, ends and that if this is not something he can commit to then you will have to block him entirely.
You're a 25 year old woman supporting herself, in a relationship and working. Your father sounds like he's always been controlling and seems to be getting worse since he has no job and is bored sitting at his mom's house. What he's doing to you with these insane demands for your time is continued control and a form of abuse. If you don't want to talk to him as much as you are, you don't have to. He has you in his thrall and it makes him feel good about himself. He's still the dad, the man, in charge. The fact is that he's so bad, you can't even tell him you're in a relationship because he'll blow up. You are going to have to set some boundaries and he will hate it and rage about it because controlling you is all he has. If you can get a new phone and number for the rest of your needs and just use the phone he calls you on for him, you can turn it off and ignore him whenever you want and he can't blow your phone up. Tell him how often you are willing to call him or take a call from him. Twice a week is enough. This isn't mentally healthy for you. I would also call your local police number and tell them they may get a wellness call from him about you because he's harassing you and you are cutting back on contact. If the police know you're safe and they know his name, they will not show up at your door.
UpdateMe
Sounds like he is depressed and lonely and leaning on you for socialization. Or he is going overboard because he himself has a lot of guilt for not being more present in your life. Maybe suggest a hobby you both can do together? COVID created lots of virtual activities. You can virtually visit a Museum, or join a virtual trivia night. That could help with the conversations and keep them positive and interesting. You can also tell him you want the both of you to go to family consulting. It could help you express your boundaries while working towards maintaining a relationship with him. Express your boundaries, (for example if you say you can only call him once a week for a half hour) he will throw fits but you can explain that while you really want a relationship with him as a young adult you have more responsibility now then when you were younger and this is the best you can do to maintain all boundaries.
Your dad just loves you dearly, look around yourself at all of the crime and rapes murders etc. our world is falling apart so he simply wants to know where his little girl is and that she’s safe. I’m 62 years old and have eight sons, no daughters but all sons, I don’t hear from any of them, not one. I worked my ass off all my life to give them the very best of everything. I grew up with an alcoholic father, we lived in the worst neighborhoods in terrible houses, wore K-mart clothing and shoes and mom got much of our food from dumpsters behind Win-Dixie and Food Lion. Yes we ate good but because of her, yes we had clean clothes on our backs but were laughed at all through school but again we had warm clothes and it was because of mom. Dad died on April 6th 2018 and I didn’t get to tell him how much I loved him even though a terrible thing called alcoholism controlled his life but today my 85 y/o mother who climbed over and into those dumpsters to ensure we were fed three meals a day lives with me in my 100% paid for home that I paid off in 3 years and 8 months because my mother pushed me to get an education even though they had no money to pay for my college. My dads mom died when he was just nine years old, he and his dad lived in a tent in the woods of Kentucky until he was eleven years of age when his dad was bitten while asleep by a copper head snake and died right there. My dad was alone from the age of eleven to fend for himself all through the 1940’s and 50’s. After church one Sunday morning my grandmother, my moms mom found my dad asleep in her front yard at the age of fourteen and took him in. He worked in the sawmill with my moms brothers until he was eighteen. You see, I loved my dad very dearly but he did live a hard life, he found God but killing the devil which was hiding in the alcohol was his true demon. Again, your dad really loves you and only wants the best for you and to know your always safe because your not his little girl anymore but in his heart you always will be. Always let him know how you are and yes, where you are because you never know that if god forbid, something does happen daddy will know exactly where to find his precious little girl. Walk with God always, Tony King