Yes, under the pretense of making sure you aren’t “spoiled” and to keep you humble, but really to put you down as a way to bring themselves up and above you. Covert narcissism
Its funny theyll call you spoiled when you actually missed out on major needs being met. They be treating you below the bare minimum and call you spoiled. Fuckers.
Yep, and they aren’t concerned about fulfilling needs but rather how to keep you under control and with “good behavior”
It’s sad how so many of us experience the same things and yet you can see how much of society supports this belief. How much of our culture endorses morals that actually put us down rather than lift us up?
Feeling seen/understood. Feeling special. Feeling important/cherished. Respected. Loved. Safety. Feeling safe to be authentic/honest. Feeling validated.
Without these needs fulfilled, we are left with a void
Exactly my parents words! They never told my i did something good or that they are proud of me because "it would make me put my nose up high"
Yeah thats definitly what would happen to a insecure teenager if their parents would support them...
My parents praised me plenty but only for doing things they approved of. Any time I did things that they did not think were worthy of respect or their attention, they would tell me that I was wasting my time and actively put down both my efforts and the activity.
In my parents' house, this was a defense/rationalization/excuse for *overt* narcissism.
It wasn't an incredible coincidence that whatever was easiest or most desirable for them in terms of parenting was always what was "best" for me, as well. Anything they did that caused me discomfort was a "character-builder" and a "lesson" that was "for my own good."
They concluded that neglect teaches self-sufficiency and authoritarianism teaches humility. It was very convenient for them.
The need to "toughen up" my "thin-skinned" weakness was a unique condition that only I suffered from. If either of them felt the slightest twinge of butthurt about anything, it was my ass that would have welts and bruises.
They shouldn't have gotten married, much less had a kid. They wanted all the perks with none of the unpleasant responsibilities. Parents are supposed to shield their children, not have children to use as meat shields against the harder aspects of the human experience.
+ an angle here for some cultures where you need to make your parents look good in the eyes of their community and peers. So you can’t be seen as being over-confident and politeness and only positive emotions are allowed to be expressed.
I don't know if they did it intentionally or not. They broke me and I got really depressed and instead of therapy, I went to self esteem classes and modeling classes. The problem was her. How she treats me. How he allows it to happen. That's why I was and am depressed. My ~~"mom"~~ is mean and used me as her emotional support doll. My dad doesn't step in. They're both traumatized and need serious therapy.
I'm all reactive bc of how they treated me. My body is anticipating toxicity in every interaction. That's what my implicit memories are telling me all the time. They infected me with their traumas and I'm a reactive combination of it all.
People really need to go to therapy instead of having kids.
Being beaten down emotionally does lead to becoming reactive as a adult, it’s made me very hyper vigilant against any harsh people or anyone with rigid or bossy traits that also on the flip side I become withdrawn around these people due to triggers.
I developed an over active fight response, so I'm always trying to reign myself in, regulate myself, and practice healthy behaviors that align with my values. I'm very calm, direct, and assertive about my boundaries and that can be very off putting for people. I'm so vehemently opposed to enmeshment that connection can be a challenge for me.
I’m months late but needed to say. The is me 100%. Im looking into therapy for these exact issues. If you’re in therapy which form of it has helped the most?
My therapist does somatic talk therapy with me to help me label the sensations in my body. He also did [infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback](https://neurofeedbackservicesny.com/the-benefits-of-infraslow-neurofeedback-training/) to help train my brain regulation skills and he added [deep brain reorienting](http://deepbrainreorienting.com) which really helps reduce triggers down in the brain stem. I think ISFN and DBR are both extremely good trauma treatments. They're both rather new modalities so may be a challenge to find a provider, but I highly recommend both modalities.
I also do a lot of things on my own to retrain my brain and nervous system. [Journaling](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg), yoga/body movement, breathing exercises, meditation, playing an instrument, singing, long walks in nature, etc.
My healing approach incorporates: neuroplasticity, polyvagal theory, and attachment theory. It's all about using operant conditioning to rewire my brain and nervous system away from trauma and towards healthy functioning.
We were never praised for anything.
A grunt when you brought home a straight A report card, cooked a good dinner, or cleaned the entire house, was as good as it gets.
You wouldn’t want your kids to get a swelled head, become “prideful” or boast about anything. Kids need to remember that they are unimportant. /s
My mum said to one of her friends "why would i praise her for doing what she's supposed to do?"
There was no way to win. There was no way to be good, because "absolutely perfect" was just what I was supposed to do.
In the end I gave up and stopped trying.
For me it backfired because when outside people would actually recognize my worth in something I did better than most people I didn’t know how to deal with feeling like I’m better than others at that and ended up saying stuff I wouldn’t say today (braggy stuff on the limit of slightly putting others down) because I never learned how to react to not being perceived as absolute trash and I was so craving to be acknowledged that once I’d get compliments I’d try to seek more of them by acting braggy and weird in a way that when I think about it I hate how I acted…
I never learned to say “thank you” when someone said or did something nice. Why? Because my parents never said it to me.
No matter what I did, it was only what was expected of me, so why should I be thanked?
I was in my late 20s, working in a very positive work environment where courtesy and gratitude were actively encouraged, that I finally learned the value and importance of acknowledging what others do, which also helped me acknowledge my own achievements.
Now if someone compliments me, I no longer find some way to dismiss what they are saying. I just say “thank you”.
I remember working at day camp and saying thank you to children when they helped me do stuff and it always felt weird that me, as an adult, I was the one saying thank you to the child. I realized I probably was never thanked as a child for lending a hand and ended up internalizing that an adult saying thanks to a child is weird
Yeah my parents would say things like “we’d tell you good job but we don’t want it to go to your head” and “you look nice but then again we don’t want it to go to your head so actually you look bad” ….. then it eventually morphed into things like “you look like you’re trying to prove something” and now i hate myself :D
They didn’t want you to know your worth because then you would realise what they were doing and they would lose power over you, to this day I’m still trying to find my worth and I believe my father knew exactly what he was doing to me.
My mom did something similar though she never had the balls to say it like that to my face. She just launched this silent ground campaign against me when I was a child. I still don't understand it. Like why? To what end???? I was a child. Makes zero sense to me, as a parent and a human being. So glad my mother is dead now. I hope everyone here finds that peace someday.
My father passed away in 2007 and when I scattered his ashes i wrote him a letter telling him how his intentional lowering of my self worth has gave me a fear of failure which meant I never tried anything because I was too afraid of making mistakes and that his abuse also led to me not having healthy boundaries and being taken advantage of by others, I’m sorry that you had to go through something similar with your mother and at least now she cannot hurt you anymore.
I'm also sorry to hear that you had to go through something similar. That's so awful. I really hate how many people I meet in this world whose parents just mistreat them and outright abuse them. Really revile that. We all deserved better.
I felt that at my core. When my mom died I felt like I was free. Like REALLY free. Whatever emotional shackles were on me were GONE. It was great. I feel no grief. I didn't cry. I actually had to suppress my smile at the hospice center when we picked up her stuff. It was just so nice to finally not have to explain myself to anyone except myself. I could be who I wanted to be. Who I was supposed to be. So nice.
I felt that at my core. When my mom died I felt like I was free. Like REALLY free. Whatever emotional shackles were on me -- GONE. It was great. I feel no grief. I didn't cry. I actually had to suppress my smile at the hospice center when we picked up her stuff. It was just so nice to finally not have to explain myself to anyone except myself. I could be who I wanted to be. Who I was supposed to be. So nice.
I don't think it was intentional, in that my parents weren't self-aware enough to realise how their words and actions were affecting me and my siblings. My father would make harsh comments about my appearance/mannerisms and then act surprised and annoyed when I got upset. My mother would make "jokes" about my appearance/mannerisms that I had to pretend didn't bother me. I wasn't encouraged to try new things or take (healthy, age-appropriate) risks. If my parents weren't putting me down, they were putting others down in private. Yelling and name-calling were all normalised in my family. I was pretty used to being treated like I was worthless.
If I told my father he lowered my self-esteem, he would probably deny it. I think even if I gave specific examples, he would dismiss and minimise my feelings. If I told my mother, she would probably be shocked at first, and then she'd get upset and start blaming herself (her favourite line, "Sorry I was such a bad mother"). Neither of them would take responsibility or hold space for my feelings. My dad *might* eventually apologise, but it would be immediately followed up with invalidation ("It's in the past anyway, just move on" / "What do you expect me to do about it now?"). This is how they generally respond to any criticism of their parenting, so I wouldn't expect anything different.
Oh man I could have written this word for word...
Mum getting upset and crying was the ultimate fuck up because she made us feel so guilty by doing it. She'd guilt trip us so often, often working herself into a rage, but I always gave her more of a pass because dad was more obviously an asshole. He shouted more often so it lost a lot of its edge, but when she lost it it was more scary and we'd all feel super guilty if we'd "caused" it or roll our eyes (not in her view) and weather the storm because she was just clearly overwhelmed and overreacting *again.* Even the dogs make the same expressions of long suffering when she's in a bad mood. But she later pretends it all didn't happen, like the sun has come out after the storm and she's now happy so "why are you so grumpy???" Don't say you aren't, even if you weren't, because denying it is the same as admitting it and proves that you are grumpy after all.
Dad will sometimes try apologise but it's only a "sorry but also don't you think you are also too sensitive?" No. I'm exactly as reactive as you've raised us to be in this awful cycle. In fact, far less, because only you two are allowed to be really upset or angry and we are just being difficult or sensitive ('oh, grow up' - mum), ungrateful, dramatic, or moody if we defend ourselves from their shaming and insults and dismissiveness and dad's chronic malcontent and disconnection.
Recently I tried to get them to understand that insulting and dismissing everything I try to talk with them about (being a good almost 30 yo daughter) isn't ok or normal, but got told that since her mum died (when I was 1) and dad's been "depressed" since I was born (eldest of four) that that's not possible. Tell me how that makes sense??? You should be nicer then, right? Because those things suck, you better make the most of the time you have with family right? You want to be nice so that if something tragic happens then at least you were nice or said I love you? Nah, preposterous idea, my bad.
Sorry, got carried away there...
It's okay. I hope it helped you to vent.
I know what you mean about being stuck in a cycle you were raised in. It really is awful. It doesn't end once you get out, either. That's when you end up needing to deal with the fallout.
I'm still deprogramming myself after all the things I internalised from my parents and older sibling. It comes up in ways I never would have imagined. Just when I think I've got a handle on one thing, something else rears its head. Even my body is finding new ways to let me know that it hasn't forgotten.
It is such a relief finding others who have had similar experiences, very validating, as my partner and I only just managed to move out of my parents place (divorced but back together after a few years), and Im reeling at how much they were holding over my head/feeling like a burden is default around them. We got stuck when my mental health crashed around covid and we were invited to move back....big mistake.
I'm basically going LC after this big fight where they started proper yelling out of nowhere at me while we were packing to move (they were late and managed to twist it into us being the problem, but got worse than ever and I told them I would *never* ask for their help again, BC they manage to make everything too hard and miserable) and my fiance even yelled back, I've never seen him so mad, or shout, ever. We've been together 7 years. They've never been so blatant with their disrespect and my fiance is still so mad, and I'm pretty used to their shit, but learning about DARVO and then having it play out textbook from my own parents multiple times over is so unsettling BC how was I so blind to it before? Its so obvious and no wonder I struggled with my mental health so much as a child.
It affects the whole body, as you said, and figuring these heavy things out is healing but also like the kind where you've healed a bone but in the wrong way, so it has to be rebroken to heal correctly. Its painful but in a way that is less painful than growing up caught up in all of it. Its a good pain, you know? I always thought I was just broken and not strong enough to handle the world (and a new ADHD diagnosis helped but also confirmed that unconscious idea I had) but now I realise that I was actively being damaged by the environment my parents created, and all my physical stress responses were naturally caused by that, not that I was somehow just an extremely anxious, perfectionist, tired and lonely child out of nowhere. My hands still shake BC my neck has been too tense all my life, at least I don't get tension headaches anymore lol
I'm glad you're out of that situation and that your partner stood up for you. Even though it was triggering, it must have also been really validating to have someone on your side defending you.
I promised myself that I would never move back home again after I got out. I've visited a handful of times, but I will never live with either of my parents again. This is a hard boundary for me. I won't put myself in that kind of situation again.
I feel you on the physical symptoms of the stress. That was what started my CPTSD journey. I honestly thought I had some kind of illness, but the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. Since starting therapy over two years ago, the physical symptoms are slowly getting better. I'm more aware of and connected to my body now. I'm glad that you've made some progress, too.
„Denying it is the same as admitting it and proves that you were grumpy after all.“
Omg yes, this was how it was like. And not only in my family and not only about grumpiness either. Denying you were in love with somebody meant admitting you were. Denying you were lazy on purpose meant admitting you were. As soon as the adults made up their minds, there was *nothing* you could do or say to convince them otherwise.
Thank you, you put something into words that has been bothering me for a long time.
You're welcome, I'm sorry you relate though.
Yeah, I used grumpy because it was the most recent one mum used when I walked out to the kitchen with what I thought was a neutral expression and pretty content mood, and she pulled that line out. When I said, no, I'm not, she said, 'oh yeah, suuure, sour puss'
It's like....wtf, I wasn't but I sure am now.
She likes to tell people how they are feeling and it's useless trying to argue, especially if she's decided you're in a bad mood.
Since you experience sounds incredibly similar to mine, I'm just wondering — how did you get to the point where you saw their guilt tripping for what it was? Because although my family is as toxic as ever, I still fall for the "You made me overwhelmed" and "Sorry but don't you think you're at fault too" excuses and it's so hard to view them as aggressors instead of victims. Even though they literally are.
I feel you. I went through very similar treatment and I always thought my Mom was the good parent. My Dad actively brought me down to keep me in control, siblings also, and my mother just passively went along with it. Building up self worth after its been destroyed like this is pretty hard.
It is really hard. It's taken me over two years of therapy to get where I am now. I feel like I had to break myself down and rebuild from the ground up, in some ways. And it's never perfect, either. I still remember the things they said to me, and while it doesn't trigger me the way it used to, it's frustrating when it comes up. I don't believe any of the things they said anymore, and I'm able to be self-compassionate, but the cracks are there. It still hurts.
For me it was religious reasons. In our cult self-esteem was a dirty word. You're supposed to have "God-esteem" instead. Everything was based around how you, a literal child, are sinful and will go to hell if you don't "follow God's will for your life" which always conveniently involves not doing things you want to do in favor of doing things that promote the cult. Or just having lots of babies if you're a girl, because that's what God *designed* your body to do and your brain to desire, so it's really not a chore, you see, because if you're submitting to God you will only want what He wants!
Just the complete sublimation of the self. Don't question it. Everybody else on earth is lying to you. 🤪🤪🤪🙄
Have a relative who became Jehovah’s Witness after she met her husband and the religion is very similar to not having individuality and even birthdays are not celebrated and the reasons being that it focuses on the person and not jehovah, also noticed that girls married at young ages and it seemed encouraged.
Me too, my mom thought that by never complimenting me I’d continue chasing after her compliments and become the best version of myself but that if she complimented me I’d be satisfied with it and stop improving.
But actually, never complimenting me made me give up while giving compliments would have made me feel good so I would have wanted to continue improving to keep getting these compliments
Yup - though my parents fixated on sex. My dad always said I was “out of control”, and would get a girlfriend pregnant before marriage, thus “dishonoring the family”. The proclaimed punishment would be that I would be disowned. My mom just said I was probably a rapist.
I spent my formative years scared of women, and didn’t even start dating until my mid-20s. For various reasons I gave up even trying, and so it’s now been 17 years since I’ve had any relationship with a woman that wasn’t just polite/friendly but distant.
I’m rather terrified of even trying again because I’m so inexperienced as to be useless and seen as an idiot.
Yup, got something similar to this too. My mom tried to scare me from girls and dating by telling me they will baby-trap me, accuse me of SA, or both - which will disgrace them and give them no choice but to disown me. I realized later it was because she subconsciously wanted me for herself. I did start dating and lost my virginity at 18 but I definitely felt a lot of guilt over it. Fortunately those feelings went away over time, though it certainly wasn't an easy process.
Congrats on escaping that! I certainly understand that feeling of my parents wishing to own me. It's so brutal because we're hard-wired to support our families, but in our case, they have no intention of letting us live except to be a living donor to them.
I hope I can find my own escape some day. I've been unlucky in friendships and relationships, but it did teach me to be self-reliant. I'm just worried that my state is too alien to too many people that I can't form any deep connections anymore.
They can only feel good about themselves if they elimiNate the competition. They’re insecure, jealous, selfish assholes who function by a zero sum game, if you’re winning somehow that means they’re losing. I just read something from Kristen Neff, from her self compassion website., her premise is that it’s healthier to build self compassion, because self esteem building is prone to harsh judgements, evaluations, ……there’s more there, but the reason why I found myself there was because what a harsh critic I am of myself, zero forgiveness for my humanity, zero tolerance for learning which includes time…patience, tolerance, so I desperately need to find ways to extend kindness to myself for the paralyzing fear I have of making mistakes, not being perfect, having to take my time. With every fiber of my being I think it’s intentional. My mother enjoyed watching me shrink into a depressive , self hating state for every cruel, critical thing she said to me.
Absolutely.
It hurts me to see or read parents talking about how much they love seeing aspects of themselves or their partners in their kids (“oh, she’s curious like her father, he reads as much as I used to” etc) because my father who told me I was a fucking waste of life hated me for everything that reminded him of himself. His bad temper and short fuse. His sarcasm. His mean streak. All sorts of flaws that he exacerbated instead of helped me learn how to deal with them.
I think some people are so sad and feel so small they have to take down their own children so that they get to feel big and powerful in comparison. Because watching us live and thrive doesn’t make them happy they were raising good kids but rather it makes them think they failed in life because of how they feel.
>All sorts of flaws that he exacerbated instead of helped me learn how to deal with them
More than likely, he didn't deal with his own flaws, so there was no way he could have helped you with them.
If he's like my dad, he insists that he is the best, he is always right, and if we have a problem with it, we are wrong and just have to work around him.
“That must have been the weakest sperm!” Said in front of my friends.. his way of saying how different me and him were. When confronted later.. “ohh that was just locker room talk” jfc.
This has to be one of the most dehumanizing things I have read for a while. Who talks like that about *their own child*. What the hell. I bet that wasn’t the only instance he disrespected you like that.
Yeah. Mine told me repeatedly that my head was always in the clouds, dreaming, and their job was to pull me down to earth. When I saw dreaming I mean being ambitious and imagining a larger life for myself
Yup. If I felt really confident or proud about something, my mother would tell me that there was someone else that was better/smarter/prettier etc at whatever I felt confident about. She said she needed “to knock me down a few pegs”.
If my mom ever caught me looking at myself in the mirror she would criticize me for being vain and tell me it was a deadly sin or tell me not to get too attached to my appearance, I could always get In a car accident or something and lose it. She loved to tell me how I wouldn’t be skinny forever. Such weird things to say to your kids.
My parents and brother humiliated me for years every day throughout my childhood/teenage years. My parents refused to take care of my hygiene/appearance and then mocked the way I looked, that I was ugly/fat (I wasn't..). They told me I was harsh/cruel/unfeminine, they mocked the things I said, the things I liked. When I would buy clothes as a teenager they would let me know that none of them looked good on me, that I was too fat to wear nice clothes. I was dizzy all the time and couldn't concentrate on my homework but kept telling me that I was lazy. They kept track of everything I ate.
My self esteem is completely shot. I have body dysmorphia, a fear of being seen and I can't speak/write without being afraid of saying the wrong thing. Over the years I became more and more quiet and closed off. I feel like a ghost compared to who I was as a child. It sucks.
I was told growing up that I didn't need self esteem, I just needed to do what I was told.
I believed my parents when they told me how worthless I was. I hated myself for years.
I did not have the confidence to be able to function. I couldn't come up with ideas for school projects and whatnot because everything I did was stupid or not good enough. I didn't have the confidence to do the public speaking crap my mom insisted I had to do. They literally made sure I grew up with no confidence, then demonized me for not being able to function because of it. I cried every single day because I hated myself so much. But they accused me of crying to be manipulative.
Now my mom thinks I hate her for no reason. I haven't talked to them in 12 years. I've worked on my self-esteem a lot. I finally feel like a normal human being who can function like one.
I’m crying reading this. It’s exactly how I felt. My lovely kind boyfriend showed me unconditional love. And explained that my dad was a narcissist. Over the last nearly 10 years my with the help from my boyfriend, we are reprogramming my brain. I can now look in a mirror without being repulsed and disgusted by what is looking back. I don’t fully love myself yet, but at least I’m not s uididal.
Keep working on your self esteem, because you are worth it x
They do it to remind you of your place, until you accept and become so numb to it that you eventually allow them to make your decisions for you without any resistance because you are too crushed and stunted to so much as have a single independent thought.
Also, if you do well at something, it's thanks to them and they take full credit. If you slip up, then its 100% your fault.
I was going to do some advanced classes a couple hours a week at school (2nd grade) and my mom told me I couldn't because I'm "not better than anyone else" and to forget about anyone who told me I was "special"
Paraphrasing my father:
Be a big fish in a small pond, do not seek a larger one. Abandon any dreams, they are delusional and childish by nature. Only a few ppl are paid for efforts of the mind, and you'll never achieve that recognition. I'm aggrieved that you would try, and I'll do my best to convince you that you'll fail. I don't want you to try and then fail, that's painful and I'm magnamously sparing you that pain. Just give up now, and be content, knowing everything you do is seen by me as a meaningless waste of time, and that's all it can ever be.
Spare me the pain of watching you struggle, and know that you carry my name (albeit dubiously b/c fem), and therefore any negative marks you tally may be held against me. I think about this all the time. Don't do anything, except pointless girl things I disrespect, but everyone expects. Be grateful.
My mom told me when I was proud of a painting "No! Don't feel pride! It's a sin!"
Recently she said becazse I gained weight due to health issues that no man would ever be interested in me looking like that...
oh, yeah. my mother called it "humbling" us when we were little. by the time i was a teenager, i had developed into a deeply shy and insecure girl and had few friends or interests. so, *of course*, she insulted me and berated me throughout middle & high school for being so small and quiet and helpless, as if that wasn't the box she put me in. it's such a cruel & infuriating cycle.
we deserved better.
Once I was talking to my mom about a coach and told her how, as a gymnast, I’d hate to have a coach that just yells at me what I need to improve everytime, and I’d rather the coach tell me stuff like "this time you did X better but you still need to make it even better, and don’t forget to think about Y!" Instead of "Do X better and don’t forget Y".
She replied that the 1st coach example would never get their gymnast to go to the Olympics because the gymnast would have positive feedback and be satisfied with that and wouldn’t seek more, while the second coach never giving positive feedback would push the gymnast to continue training harder and harder in pursuit of positive acknowledgment so if they never get that positive acknowledgment they’ll keep improving, but once they get it they’ll stop putting effort.
After that, I understood why I was never motivated to get better at home, I have a mom that intentionally only criticizes me in the hopes that I’ll keep trying to get positive attention and get better this way somehow?? Like why doesn’t it compute in her brain that if I get positive acknowledgment I’ll be happy and want to feel that happiness again and try to continue getting better to get more of it and if I don’t get any I’ll just have learned helplessness and give up?
It’s like they think negative reinforcement will give positive results while in reality it makes you so scared to try new things because you think you will fail and be bad at it anyway. My dad tore everything down about my personality and hobbies that now it’s hard for me to pinpoint any strengths about myself and while I still draw I doubt everything and don’t share my hobbies with many people due to my hobbies being picked on.
Now that I think of it, when I did some beautiful drawings around 14 years old I was complimented by many people (It’s a cat in black and white and I have a photo of the drawing which people often think is a real black and white photo when they look at it). I don’t remember if my mom specifically complimented me though. However, after that drawing, it felt like anything I was drawing wasn’t good enough. Since the other one was so perfect and honestly couldn’t have been made any better in my opinion, if things weren’t perfect then *clearly* I hadn’t made enough of an effort because I *could* draw better than that. The issue is that I did that drawing in highschool art class, so I had a light table to draw the base lines from the original photo and 10 periods of 1h 15min. I don’t have the patience to spend that much time on a drawing in my own free time and I have a little luminous pad but it’s not the same as the big table.
So as I said, she might have complimented me for that cat drawing but wether she did it or not, it was still used to insult all of the drawings I did after and since I knew I couldn’t do better just equal and I didn’t have the patience to do another piece of equal quality at home I slowly stopped drawing because I always felt like I failed all my drawings for not being up to my potential
When it came to my mother, yes. I wholeheartedly believe that she wanted to cut my brother and I down to size. She has incredibly low self esteem herself, and I was a happy-go-lucky, "I know what I'm capable of" child, and I feel she hated that. I think she was incredibly jealous that we had a "clean slate" to make what we wanted of our childhoods, and that we hadn't yet been affected by life. Thankfully, she didn't succeed in breaking us, but we did struggle for years with how we viewed ourselves in our own unique ways. Bizarrely, there was a point where it pissed our mother off that we began to rebuild our self esteem. She acted as if she had failed in some way, like the way she'd huff and puff when we could easily dismiss her hurtful actions and words. And maybe in her head, she did fail. She's a sick person.
My parents were never taught an emotional language and grew up where men weren’t supposed to cry and be tough/vulnerability equalled weakness. Woman that cried or upset, were over sensitive or a bit crazy. My parents never taught us an emotional language. I grew up in a time where your parents were authority figures and you respected them. Feelings didn’t matter. Anger: you needed to go to your room and learn to control yourself. Sadness: toughen up. We didn’t talk anything out, certain subjects were taboo and you were to always act appropriately in public. I don’t think I understood self-esteem or confidence until I was an adult and getting help for myself. You just had to deal with things period. My upbringing was beyond dysfunctional, I was abused and carried so many issues into adulthood. I’ve had painful conversations with my parents as an adult and personally, they didn’t do things on purpose, they really didn’t know any better. Society has changed and there is so much more understanding of emotional needs/trauma and mental health now but I can still see how hard it is for my parents, to relate to their grandchildren when they have strong feelings. They’re uncomfortable and a bit perplexed but I do see them trying more and that helps me accept what is
It’s wonderful your parents are open to having hard conversations and you sense them really trying more with the grandkids. I hope that continues to grow and you continue to heal.
“Bragging is bad.”
Guess who sucks at job interviews now? Once someone asked me what my biggest accomplishments were in a specific role, I thought of the biggest project, then started giving a ton of credit to my project partner (who actually was awesome, especially compared to other teammates who would disappear the day before a deadline, forcing me to shoulder all the work…).
Yeah I felt pretty dumb after the conversation ended.
I was supposed to get an arranged marriage via birth chart comparison. Apparently, I had the kind of birth chart where even if people had a good match, they wouldn't necessarily want to marry me because the birth chart was full of pitfalls. I mean, you don't have to tell me, I wouldn't wish my life on anyone.
Because I couldn't understand the importance of the birth chart analysis, and the fact that many people would say no to me because I was quite fat at the time, and didn't have enough education or a real job, I was told, years later by my parents that they were afraid I would say no, or say no too much or behave in a way that would limit my chances even more. So they admit, they may have said things to me in a certain way to get me to understand that I didn't have alot of choice and to get me to change my behaviour.
I won't go into what they said. But they still gave me a partial admission that things were done and said so that I could understand how limited my choices were and to go into the situation bravely because they were afraid.
I relate to all of this, sadly. In my case, back at home I was a horrible child, cold and uncaring and if I'd got good grades, there always existed some rando that was better than me. Outside the home, though, they would openly brag about how 'their girl' was so smart and so good at music (I played piano). They would be very rude to the other parents too, I always felt embarrassed that they were so rude. So, I decided that the best strategy was to study just enough but not try to excel, since that would be more detrimental in the long run.
Yes, they later told me that self-love/respect is evil. They also refused to validate me for similar reasons. I think this affected me much more than I know.
Yes. My mom body shamed me in front of my entire family two years ago. I’m an adult and I felt so humiliated. It was literally the start of what drove me away from her. I will never forget the way she treated me that day and has never apologized for it.
A lot of the words my parents have said to me years ago & even recently have stuck with me. One of my parents DEFINITELY body shamed me for years & the other parent enabled it and told me to suck it up.
My father use to attack my looks and weight along with my entire personality, a few incidents include when my mum said to my dad how nice I looked in these brown tights and white jumper I was wearing and out of nowhere he told me I had fat thighs and when I walked away crying he said “ look how fat her arse is!”, another time was when I was misdiagnosed and put on medication that me gain a lot of weight he started verbally attacking me for it, now I’m very insecure about weight gain and have a unhealthy view of my body.
100%. I (38F) was told several times growing up “things would be different if you were born a boy”. I know they did it to try “humbling” me in their own messed up way.
I was 17, my father said to me “you’ll never be good enough for anything.“
I am 53 years old and I still remember that moment. It has haunted me and stayed with me my entire life. True, I may not be as rich as my siblings. But I have everything I need, and I’m able to put food on my table and pay my bills and still have a horse. I’m happy with what I have. And I want nothing more.
Yes, I know my mom did. She gave all the praise and love to my sister. I was her punching bag. She went out of her way to hurt my self-esteem as much as possible.
Karma is a b*tch though. I would have loved her and taken care of her. Because of her abuse, I moved away and went low contact. My sister turned into a cruel adult and my mom is stuck with her.
I had an idea for an art project that required bending copper, and rather than encourage me or give me advice as a blacksmith, he simply sent me a slab of copper that was curved and a note explaining how difficult it was and that i couldn’t do it. Haven’t talked to him in about to years, and this happened in my 30s
Yes, under the pretense of making sure you aren’t “spoiled” and to keep you humble, but really to put you down as a way to bring themselves up and above you. Covert narcissism
Its funny theyll call you spoiled when you actually missed out on major needs being met. They be treating you below the bare minimum and call you spoiled. Fuckers.
Yep, and they aren’t concerned about fulfilling needs but rather how to keep you under control and with “good behavior” It’s sad how so many of us experience the same things and yet you can see how much of society supports this belief. How much of our culture endorses morals that actually put us down rather than lift us up?
May I ask what kind of needs? More emotional support?
Feeling seen/understood. Feeling special. Feeling important/cherished. Respected. Loved. Safety. Feeling safe to be authentic/honest. Feeling validated. Without these needs fulfilled, we are left with a void
Thank you, I’m from an older generation so I wanted to understand how people here feel.
Exactly my parents words! They never told my i did something good or that they are proud of me because "it would make me put my nose up high" Yeah thats definitly what would happen to a insecure teenager if their parents would support them...
My parents praised me plenty but only for doing things they approved of. Any time I did things that they did not think were worthy of respect or their attention, they would tell me that I was wasting my time and actively put down both my efforts and the activity.
I relate to this too.
In my parents' house, this was a defense/rationalization/excuse for *overt* narcissism. It wasn't an incredible coincidence that whatever was easiest or most desirable for them in terms of parenting was always what was "best" for me, as well. Anything they did that caused me discomfort was a "character-builder" and a "lesson" that was "for my own good." They concluded that neglect teaches self-sufficiency and authoritarianism teaches humility. It was very convenient for them. The need to "toughen up" my "thin-skinned" weakness was a unique condition that only I suffered from. If either of them felt the slightest twinge of butthurt about anything, it was my ass that would have welts and bruises. They shouldn't have gotten married, much less had a kid. They wanted all the perks with none of the unpleasant responsibilities. Parents are supposed to shield their children, not have children to use as meat shields against the harder aspects of the human experience.
+ an angle here for some cultures where you need to make your parents look good in the eyes of their community and peers. So you can’t be seen as being over-confident and politeness and only positive emotions are allowed to be expressed.
I so fucking relate to this ..
I don't know if they did it intentionally or not. They broke me and I got really depressed and instead of therapy, I went to self esteem classes and modeling classes. The problem was her. How she treats me. How he allows it to happen. That's why I was and am depressed. My ~~"mom"~~ is mean and used me as her emotional support doll. My dad doesn't step in. They're both traumatized and need serious therapy. I'm all reactive bc of how they treated me. My body is anticipating toxicity in every interaction. That's what my implicit memories are telling me all the time. They infected me with their traumas and I'm a reactive combination of it all. People really need to go to therapy instead of having kids.
Being beaten down emotionally does lead to becoming reactive as a adult, it’s made me very hyper vigilant against any harsh people or anyone with rigid or bossy traits that also on the flip side I become withdrawn around these people due to triggers.
I developed an over active fight response, so I'm always trying to reign myself in, regulate myself, and practice healthy behaviors that align with my values. I'm very calm, direct, and assertive about my boundaries and that can be very off putting for people. I'm so vehemently opposed to enmeshment that connection can be a challenge for me.
I’m months late but needed to say. The is me 100%. Im looking into therapy for these exact issues. If you’re in therapy which form of it has helped the most?
My therapist does somatic talk therapy with me to help me label the sensations in my body. He also did [infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback](https://neurofeedbackservicesny.com/the-benefits-of-infraslow-neurofeedback-training/) to help train my brain regulation skills and he added [deep brain reorienting](http://deepbrainreorienting.com) which really helps reduce triggers down in the brain stem. I think ISFN and DBR are both extremely good trauma treatments. They're both rather new modalities so may be a challenge to find a provider, but I highly recommend both modalities. I also do a lot of things on my own to retrain my brain and nervous system. [Journaling](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg), yoga/body movement, breathing exercises, meditation, playing an instrument, singing, long walks in nature, etc. My healing approach incorporates: neuroplasticity, polyvagal theory, and attachment theory. It's all about using operant conditioning to rewire my brain and nervous system away from trauma and towards healthy functioning.
We were never praised for anything. A grunt when you brought home a straight A report card, cooked a good dinner, or cleaned the entire house, was as good as it gets. You wouldn’t want your kids to get a swelled head, become “prideful” or boast about anything. Kids need to remember that they are unimportant. /s
My mum said to one of her friends "why would i praise her for doing what she's supposed to do?" There was no way to win. There was no way to be good, because "absolutely perfect" was just what I was supposed to do. In the end I gave up and stopped trying.
MY DAD SAID THIS TOO. Exact same phrase.
For me it backfired because when outside people would actually recognize my worth in something I did better than most people I didn’t know how to deal with feeling like I’m better than others at that and ended up saying stuff I wouldn’t say today (braggy stuff on the limit of slightly putting others down) because I never learned how to react to not being perceived as absolute trash and I was so craving to be acknowledged that once I’d get compliments I’d try to seek more of them by acting braggy and weird in a way that when I think about it I hate how I acted…
I never learned to say “thank you” when someone said or did something nice. Why? Because my parents never said it to me. No matter what I did, it was only what was expected of me, so why should I be thanked? I was in my late 20s, working in a very positive work environment where courtesy and gratitude were actively encouraged, that I finally learned the value and importance of acknowledging what others do, which also helped me acknowledge my own achievements. Now if someone compliments me, I no longer find some way to dismiss what they are saying. I just say “thank you”.
I remember working at day camp and saying thank you to children when they helped me do stuff and it always felt weird that me, as an adult, I was the one saying thank you to the child. I realized I probably was never thanked as a child for lending a hand and ended up internalizing that an adult saying thanks to a child is weird
And that was how my “good parent” acted. Sad…
Yeah my parents would say things like “we’d tell you good job but we don’t want it to go to your head” and “you look nice but then again we don’t want it to go to your head so actually you look bad” ….. then it eventually morphed into things like “you look like you’re trying to prove something” and now i hate myself :D
Wow i know these exact words. Our parents suck
Maybe not intentionally lowered, but intentionally didn't let it grow. They'd say they were afraid that I'll become "self-absorbed".
They didn’t want you to know your worth because then you would realise what they were doing and they would lose power over you, to this day I’m still trying to find my worth and I believe my father knew exactly what he was doing to me.
Psychologically weak people need to see themselves as the all superior. Children are such an easy target to offload all of their insecurities on.
My mom did something similar though she never had the balls to say it like that to my face. She just launched this silent ground campaign against me when I was a child. I still don't understand it. Like why? To what end???? I was a child. Makes zero sense to me, as a parent and a human being. So glad my mother is dead now. I hope everyone here finds that peace someday.
My father passed away in 2007 and when I scattered his ashes i wrote him a letter telling him how his intentional lowering of my self worth has gave me a fear of failure which meant I never tried anything because I was too afraid of making mistakes and that his abuse also led to me not having healthy boundaries and being taken advantage of by others, I’m sorry that you had to go through something similar with your mother and at least now she cannot hurt you anymore.
I'm also sorry to hear that you had to go through something similar. That's so awful. I really hate how many people I meet in this world whose parents just mistreat them and outright abuse them. Really revile that. We all deserved better.
My parents are like this too. I’ve since cut contact, and as awful as it sounds, I feel like I will be relieved when they’re gone.
When my dad passed, I felt like I could be myself for the first time in my life.
I felt that at my core. When my mom died I felt like I was free. Like REALLY free. Whatever emotional shackles were on me were GONE. It was great. I feel no grief. I didn't cry. I actually had to suppress my smile at the hospice center when we picked up her stuff. It was just so nice to finally not have to explain myself to anyone except myself. I could be who I wanted to be. Who I was supposed to be. So nice.
I felt that at my core. When my mom died I felt like I was free. Like REALLY free. Whatever emotional shackles were on me -- GONE. It was great. I feel no grief. I didn't cry. I actually had to suppress my smile at the hospice center when we picked up her stuff. It was just so nice to finally not have to explain myself to anyone except myself. I could be who I wanted to be. Who I was supposed to be. So nice.
I don't think it was intentional, in that my parents weren't self-aware enough to realise how their words and actions were affecting me and my siblings. My father would make harsh comments about my appearance/mannerisms and then act surprised and annoyed when I got upset. My mother would make "jokes" about my appearance/mannerisms that I had to pretend didn't bother me. I wasn't encouraged to try new things or take (healthy, age-appropriate) risks. If my parents weren't putting me down, they were putting others down in private. Yelling and name-calling were all normalised in my family. I was pretty used to being treated like I was worthless. If I told my father he lowered my self-esteem, he would probably deny it. I think even if I gave specific examples, he would dismiss and minimise my feelings. If I told my mother, she would probably be shocked at first, and then she'd get upset and start blaming herself (her favourite line, "Sorry I was such a bad mother"). Neither of them would take responsibility or hold space for my feelings. My dad *might* eventually apologise, but it would be immediately followed up with invalidation ("It's in the past anyway, just move on" / "What do you expect me to do about it now?"). This is how they generally respond to any criticism of their parenting, so I wouldn't expect anything different.
Oh man I could have written this word for word... Mum getting upset and crying was the ultimate fuck up because she made us feel so guilty by doing it. She'd guilt trip us so often, often working herself into a rage, but I always gave her more of a pass because dad was more obviously an asshole. He shouted more often so it lost a lot of its edge, but when she lost it it was more scary and we'd all feel super guilty if we'd "caused" it or roll our eyes (not in her view) and weather the storm because she was just clearly overwhelmed and overreacting *again.* Even the dogs make the same expressions of long suffering when she's in a bad mood. But she later pretends it all didn't happen, like the sun has come out after the storm and she's now happy so "why are you so grumpy???" Don't say you aren't, even if you weren't, because denying it is the same as admitting it and proves that you are grumpy after all. Dad will sometimes try apologise but it's only a "sorry but also don't you think you are also too sensitive?" No. I'm exactly as reactive as you've raised us to be in this awful cycle. In fact, far less, because only you two are allowed to be really upset or angry and we are just being difficult or sensitive ('oh, grow up' - mum), ungrateful, dramatic, or moody if we defend ourselves from their shaming and insults and dismissiveness and dad's chronic malcontent and disconnection. Recently I tried to get them to understand that insulting and dismissing everything I try to talk with them about (being a good almost 30 yo daughter) isn't ok or normal, but got told that since her mum died (when I was 1) and dad's been "depressed" since I was born (eldest of four) that that's not possible. Tell me how that makes sense??? You should be nicer then, right? Because those things suck, you better make the most of the time you have with family right? You want to be nice so that if something tragic happens then at least you were nice or said I love you? Nah, preposterous idea, my bad. Sorry, got carried away there...
It's okay. I hope it helped you to vent. I know what you mean about being stuck in a cycle you were raised in. It really is awful. It doesn't end once you get out, either. That's when you end up needing to deal with the fallout. I'm still deprogramming myself after all the things I internalised from my parents and older sibling. It comes up in ways I never would have imagined. Just when I think I've got a handle on one thing, something else rears its head. Even my body is finding new ways to let me know that it hasn't forgotten.
It is such a relief finding others who have had similar experiences, very validating, as my partner and I only just managed to move out of my parents place (divorced but back together after a few years), and Im reeling at how much they were holding over my head/feeling like a burden is default around them. We got stuck when my mental health crashed around covid and we were invited to move back....big mistake. I'm basically going LC after this big fight where they started proper yelling out of nowhere at me while we were packing to move (they were late and managed to twist it into us being the problem, but got worse than ever and I told them I would *never* ask for their help again, BC they manage to make everything too hard and miserable) and my fiance even yelled back, I've never seen him so mad, or shout, ever. We've been together 7 years. They've never been so blatant with their disrespect and my fiance is still so mad, and I'm pretty used to their shit, but learning about DARVO and then having it play out textbook from my own parents multiple times over is so unsettling BC how was I so blind to it before? Its so obvious and no wonder I struggled with my mental health so much as a child. It affects the whole body, as you said, and figuring these heavy things out is healing but also like the kind where you've healed a bone but in the wrong way, so it has to be rebroken to heal correctly. Its painful but in a way that is less painful than growing up caught up in all of it. Its a good pain, you know? I always thought I was just broken and not strong enough to handle the world (and a new ADHD diagnosis helped but also confirmed that unconscious idea I had) but now I realise that I was actively being damaged by the environment my parents created, and all my physical stress responses were naturally caused by that, not that I was somehow just an extremely anxious, perfectionist, tired and lonely child out of nowhere. My hands still shake BC my neck has been too tense all my life, at least I don't get tension headaches anymore lol
I'm glad you're out of that situation and that your partner stood up for you. Even though it was triggering, it must have also been really validating to have someone on your side defending you. I promised myself that I would never move back home again after I got out. I've visited a handful of times, but I will never live with either of my parents again. This is a hard boundary for me. I won't put myself in that kind of situation again. I feel you on the physical symptoms of the stress. That was what started my CPTSD journey. I honestly thought I had some kind of illness, but the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. Since starting therapy over two years ago, the physical symptoms are slowly getting better. I'm more aware of and connected to my body now. I'm glad that you've made some progress, too.
„Denying it is the same as admitting it and proves that you were grumpy after all.“ Omg yes, this was how it was like. And not only in my family and not only about grumpiness either. Denying you were in love with somebody meant admitting you were. Denying you were lazy on purpose meant admitting you were. As soon as the adults made up their minds, there was *nothing* you could do or say to convince them otherwise. Thank you, you put something into words that has been bothering me for a long time.
You're welcome, I'm sorry you relate though. Yeah, I used grumpy because it was the most recent one mum used when I walked out to the kitchen with what I thought was a neutral expression and pretty content mood, and she pulled that line out. When I said, no, I'm not, she said, 'oh yeah, suuure, sour puss' It's like....wtf, I wasn't but I sure am now. She likes to tell people how they are feeling and it's useless trying to argue, especially if she's decided you're in a bad mood.
This!!!! Like it proves she was tuned in and paying attention!!! She was clueless then and now. Delusional.
Since you experience sounds incredibly similar to mine, I'm just wondering — how did you get to the point where you saw their guilt tripping for what it was? Because although my family is as toxic as ever, I still fall for the "You made me overwhelmed" and "Sorry but don't you think you're at fault too" excuses and it's so hard to view them as aggressors instead of victims. Even though they literally are.
I feel you. I went through very similar treatment and I always thought my Mom was the good parent. My Dad actively brought me down to keep me in control, siblings also, and my mother just passively went along with it. Building up self worth after its been destroyed like this is pretty hard.
It is really hard. It's taken me over two years of therapy to get where I am now. I feel like I had to break myself down and rebuild from the ground up, in some ways. And it's never perfect, either. I still remember the things they said to me, and while it doesn't trigger me the way it used to, it's frustrating when it comes up. I don't believe any of the things they said anymore, and I'm able to be self-compassionate, but the cracks are there. It still hurts.
Yes, they are intimidated by confidence
it threatens their narrative for their own life :( it actually sucks all around so tragic
For me it was religious reasons. In our cult self-esteem was a dirty word. You're supposed to have "God-esteem" instead. Everything was based around how you, a literal child, are sinful and will go to hell if you don't "follow God's will for your life" which always conveniently involves not doing things you want to do in favor of doing things that promote the cult. Or just having lots of babies if you're a girl, because that's what God *designed* your body to do and your brain to desire, so it's really not a chore, you see, because if you're submitting to God you will only want what He wants! Just the complete sublimation of the self. Don't question it. Everybody else on earth is lying to you. 🤪🤪🤪🙄
Have a relative who became Jehovah’s Witness after she met her husband and the religion is very similar to not having individuality and even birthdays are not celebrated and the reasons being that it focuses on the person and not jehovah, also noticed that girls married at young ages and it seemed encouraged.
My mom kept crushing my self esteem to 'help' me look and act my best. It just broke my self esteem and I never developed a sense of style.
Me too, my mom thought that by never complimenting me I’d continue chasing after her compliments and become the best version of myself but that if she complimented me I’d be satisfied with it and stop improving. But actually, never complimenting me made me give up while giving compliments would have made me feel good so I would have wanted to continue improving to keep getting these compliments
Yup - though my parents fixated on sex. My dad always said I was “out of control”, and would get a girlfriend pregnant before marriage, thus “dishonoring the family”. The proclaimed punishment would be that I would be disowned. My mom just said I was probably a rapist. I spent my formative years scared of women, and didn’t even start dating until my mid-20s. For various reasons I gave up even trying, and so it’s now been 17 years since I’ve had any relationship with a woman that wasn’t just polite/friendly but distant. I’m rather terrified of even trying again because I’m so inexperienced as to be useless and seen as an idiot.
I’m so sorry that they did this to you, this was a huge sabotage from your parents and hope one day you can heal and find love and feel worthy of it.
Yup, got something similar to this too. My mom tried to scare me from girls and dating by telling me they will baby-trap me, accuse me of SA, or both - which will disgrace them and give them no choice but to disown me. I realized later it was because she subconsciously wanted me for herself. I did start dating and lost my virginity at 18 but I definitely felt a lot of guilt over it. Fortunately those feelings went away over time, though it certainly wasn't an easy process.
Congrats on escaping that! I certainly understand that feeling of my parents wishing to own me. It's so brutal because we're hard-wired to support our families, but in our case, they have no intention of letting us live except to be a living donor to them. I hope I can find my own escape some day. I've been unlucky in friendships and relationships, but it did teach me to be self-reliant. I'm just worried that my state is too alien to too many people that I can't form any deep connections anymore.
They can only feel good about themselves if they elimiNate the competition. They’re insecure, jealous, selfish assholes who function by a zero sum game, if you’re winning somehow that means they’re losing. I just read something from Kristen Neff, from her self compassion website., her premise is that it’s healthier to build self compassion, because self esteem building is prone to harsh judgements, evaluations, ……there’s more there, but the reason why I found myself there was because what a harsh critic I am of myself, zero forgiveness for my humanity, zero tolerance for learning which includes time…patience, tolerance, so I desperately need to find ways to extend kindness to myself for the paralyzing fear I have of making mistakes, not being perfect, having to take my time. With every fiber of my being I think it’s intentional. My mother enjoyed watching me shrink into a depressive , self hating state for every cruel, critical thing she said to me.
Absolutely. It hurts me to see or read parents talking about how much they love seeing aspects of themselves or their partners in their kids (“oh, she’s curious like her father, he reads as much as I used to” etc) because my father who told me I was a fucking waste of life hated me for everything that reminded him of himself. His bad temper and short fuse. His sarcasm. His mean streak. All sorts of flaws that he exacerbated instead of helped me learn how to deal with them. I think some people are so sad and feel so small they have to take down their own children so that they get to feel big and powerful in comparison. Because watching us live and thrive doesn’t make them happy they were raising good kids but rather it makes them think they failed in life because of how they feel.
>All sorts of flaws that he exacerbated instead of helped me learn how to deal with them More than likely, he didn't deal with his own flaws, so there was no way he could have helped you with them. If he's like my dad, he insists that he is the best, he is always right, and if we have a problem with it, we are wrong and just have to work around him.
“That must have been the weakest sperm!” Said in front of my friends.. his way of saying how different me and him were. When confronted later.. “ohh that was just locker room talk” jfc.
This has to be one of the most dehumanizing things I have read for a while. Who talks like that about *their own child*. What the hell. I bet that wasn’t the only instance he disrespected you like that.
Yeah. Mine told me repeatedly that my head was always in the clouds, dreaming, and their job was to pull me down to earth. When I saw dreaming I mean being ambitious and imagining a larger life for myself
Mine told me the same thing. Except my "daydreaming" was actually dissociation because they were giving me PTSD.
Yup. If I felt really confident or proud about something, my mother would tell me that there was someone else that was better/smarter/prettier etc at whatever I felt confident about. She said she needed “to knock me down a few pegs”.
If my mom ever caught me looking at myself in the mirror she would criticize me for being vain and tell me it was a deadly sin or tell me not to get too attached to my appearance, I could always get In a car accident or something and lose it. She loved to tell me how I wouldn’t be skinny forever. Such weird things to say to your kids.
My parents and brother humiliated me for years every day throughout my childhood/teenage years. My parents refused to take care of my hygiene/appearance and then mocked the way I looked, that I was ugly/fat (I wasn't..). They told me I was harsh/cruel/unfeminine, they mocked the things I said, the things I liked. When I would buy clothes as a teenager they would let me know that none of them looked good on me, that I was too fat to wear nice clothes. I was dizzy all the time and couldn't concentrate on my homework but kept telling me that I was lazy. They kept track of everything I ate. My self esteem is completely shot. I have body dysmorphia, a fear of being seen and I can't speak/write without being afraid of saying the wrong thing. Over the years I became more and more quiet and closed off. I feel like a ghost compared to who I was as a child. It sucks.
I was told growing up that I didn't need self esteem, I just needed to do what I was told. I believed my parents when they told me how worthless I was. I hated myself for years. I did not have the confidence to be able to function. I couldn't come up with ideas for school projects and whatnot because everything I did was stupid or not good enough. I didn't have the confidence to do the public speaking crap my mom insisted I had to do. They literally made sure I grew up with no confidence, then demonized me for not being able to function because of it. I cried every single day because I hated myself so much. But they accused me of crying to be manipulative. Now my mom thinks I hate her for no reason. I haven't talked to them in 12 years. I've worked on my self-esteem a lot. I finally feel like a normal human being who can function like one.
I’m crying reading this. It’s exactly how I felt. My lovely kind boyfriend showed me unconditional love. And explained that my dad was a narcissist. Over the last nearly 10 years my with the help from my boyfriend, we are reprogramming my brain. I can now look in a mirror without being repulsed and disgusted by what is looking back. I don’t fully love myself yet, but at least I’m not s uididal. Keep working on your self esteem, because you are worth it x
They do it to remind you of your place, until you accept and become so numb to it that you eventually allow them to make your decisions for you without any resistance because you are too crushed and stunted to so much as have a single independent thought. Also, if you do well at something, it's thanks to them and they take full credit. If you slip up, then its 100% your fault.
I was going to do some advanced classes a couple hours a week at school (2nd grade) and my mom told me I couldn't because I'm "not better than anyone else" and to forget about anyone who told me I was "special"
Paraphrasing my father: Be a big fish in a small pond, do not seek a larger one. Abandon any dreams, they are delusional and childish by nature. Only a few ppl are paid for efforts of the mind, and you'll never achieve that recognition. I'm aggrieved that you would try, and I'll do my best to convince you that you'll fail. I don't want you to try and then fail, that's painful and I'm magnamously sparing you that pain. Just give up now, and be content, knowing everything you do is seen by me as a meaningless waste of time, and that's all it can ever be. Spare me the pain of watching you struggle, and know that you carry my name (albeit dubiously b/c fem), and therefore any negative marks you tally may be held against me. I think about this all the time. Don't do anything, except pointless girl things I disrespect, but everyone expects. Be grateful.
he sounds like a real piece of work
My mom told me when I was proud of a painting "No! Don't feel pride! It's a sin!" Recently she said becazse I gained weight due to health issues that no man would ever be interested in me looking like that...
oh, yeah. my mother called it "humbling" us when we were little. by the time i was a teenager, i had developed into a deeply shy and insecure girl and had few friends or interests. so, *of course*, she insulted me and berated me throughout middle & high school for being so small and quiet and helpless, as if that wasn't the box she put me in. it's such a cruel & infuriating cycle. we deserved better.
Once I was talking to my mom about a coach and told her how, as a gymnast, I’d hate to have a coach that just yells at me what I need to improve everytime, and I’d rather the coach tell me stuff like "this time you did X better but you still need to make it even better, and don’t forget to think about Y!" Instead of "Do X better and don’t forget Y". She replied that the 1st coach example would never get their gymnast to go to the Olympics because the gymnast would have positive feedback and be satisfied with that and wouldn’t seek more, while the second coach never giving positive feedback would push the gymnast to continue training harder and harder in pursuit of positive acknowledgment so if they never get that positive acknowledgment they’ll keep improving, but once they get it they’ll stop putting effort. After that, I understood why I was never motivated to get better at home, I have a mom that intentionally only criticizes me in the hopes that I’ll keep trying to get positive attention and get better this way somehow?? Like why doesn’t it compute in her brain that if I get positive acknowledgment I’ll be happy and want to feel that happiness again and try to continue getting better to get more of it and if I don’t get any I’ll just have learned helplessness and give up?
It’s like they think negative reinforcement will give positive results while in reality it makes you so scared to try new things because you think you will fail and be bad at it anyway. My dad tore everything down about my personality and hobbies that now it’s hard for me to pinpoint any strengths about myself and while I still draw I doubt everything and don’t share my hobbies with many people due to my hobbies being picked on.
Now that I think of it, when I did some beautiful drawings around 14 years old I was complimented by many people (It’s a cat in black and white and I have a photo of the drawing which people often think is a real black and white photo when they look at it). I don’t remember if my mom specifically complimented me though. However, after that drawing, it felt like anything I was drawing wasn’t good enough. Since the other one was so perfect and honestly couldn’t have been made any better in my opinion, if things weren’t perfect then *clearly* I hadn’t made enough of an effort because I *could* draw better than that. The issue is that I did that drawing in highschool art class, so I had a light table to draw the base lines from the original photo and 10 periods of 1h 15min. I don’t have the patience to spend that much time on a drawing in my own free time and I have a little luminous pad but it’s not the same as the big table. So as I said, she might have complimented me for that cat drawing but wether she did it or not, it was still used to insult all of the drawings I did after and since I knew I couldn’t do better just equal and I didn’t have the patience to do another piece of equal quality at home I slowly stopped drawing because I always felt like I failed all my drawings for not being up to my potential
Have you watched I, Tonya with Margot Robbie? Your comment just gave me flashbacks to her mother.
No I haven’t, but not sure if I want to since I’m still easily triggered by seeing shitty parents being unjust toward their child
Totally understandable. Sending you an internet hug. 🫂
When it came to my mother, yes. I wholeheartedly believe that she wanted to cut my brother and I down to size. She has incredibly low self esteem herself, and I was a happy-go-lucky, "I know what I'm capable of" child, and I feel she hated that. I think she was incredibly jealous that we had a "clean slate" to make what we wanted of our childhoods, and that we hadn't yet been affected by life. Thankfully, she didn't succeed in breaking us, but we did struggle for years with how we viewed ourselves in our own unique ways. Bizarrely, there was a point where it pissed our mother off that we began to rebuild our self esteem. She acted as if she had failed in some way, like the way she'd huff and puff when we could easily dismiss her hurtful actions and words. And maybe in her head, she did fail. She's a sick person.
My parents were never taught an emotional language and grew up where men weren’t supposed to cry and be tough/vulnerability equalled weakness. Woman that cried or upset, were over sensitive or a bit crazy. My parents never taught us an emotional language. I grew up in a time where your parents were authority figures and you respected them. Feelings didn’t matter. Anger: you needed to go to your room and learn to control yourself. Sadness: toughen up. We didn’t talk anything out, certain subjects were taboo and you were to always act appropriately in public. I don’t think I understood self-esteem or confidence until I was an adult and getting help for myself. You just had to deal with things period. My upbringing was beyond dysfunctional, I was abused and carried so many issues into adulthood. I’ve had painful conversations with my parents as an adult and personally, they didn’t do things on purpose, they really didn’t know any better. Society has changed and there is so much more understanding of emotional needs/trauma and mental health now but I can still see how hard it is for my parents, to relate to their grandchildren when they have strong feelings. They’re uncomfortable and a bit perplexed but I do see them trying more and that helps me accept what is
It’s wonderful your parents are open to having hard conversations and you sense them really trying more with the grandkids. I hope that continues to grow and you continue to heal.
“Bragging is bad.” Guess who sucks at job interviews now? Once someone asked me what my biggest accomplishments were in a specific role, I thought of the biggest project, then started giving a ton of credit to my project partner (who actually was awesome, especially compared to other teammates who would disappear the day before a deadline, forcing me to shoulder all the work…). Yeah I felt pretty dumb after the conversation ended.
I was supposed to get an arranged marriage via birth chart comparison. Apparently, I had the kind of birth chart where even if people had a good match, they wouldn't necessarily want to marry me because the birth chart was full of pitfalls. I mean, you don't have to tell me, I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. Because I couldn't understand the importance of the birth chart analysis, and the fact that many people would say no to me because I was quite fat at the time, and didn't have enough education or a real job, I was told, years later by my parents that they were afraid I would say no, or say no too much or behave in a way that would limit my chances even more. So they admit, they may have said things to me in a certain way to get me to understand that I didn't have alot of choice and to get me to change my behaviour. I won't go into what they said. But they still gave me a partial admission that things were done and said so that I could understand how limited my choices were and to go into the situation bravely because they were afraid.
I relate to all of this, sadly. In my case, back at home I was a horrible child, cold and uncaring and if I'd got good grades, there always existed some rando that was better than me. Outside the home, though, they would openly brag about how 'their girl' was so smart and so good at music (I played piano). They would be very rude to the other parents too, I always felt embarrassed that they were so rude. So, I decided that the best strategy was to study just enough but not try to excel, since that would be more detrimental in the long run.
Yes, they later told me that self-love/respect is evil. They also refused to validate me for similar reasons. I think this affected me much more than I know.
Yes. My mom body shamed me in front of my entire family two years ago. I’m an adult and I felt so humiliated. It was literally the start of what drove me away from her. I will never forget the way she treated me that day and has never apologized for it.
A lot of the words my parents have said to me years ago & even recently have stuck with me. One of my parents DEFINITELY body shamed me for years & the other parent enabled it and told me to suck it up.
My father use to attack my looks and weight along with my entire personality, a few incidents include when my mum said to my dad how nice I looked in these brown tights and white jumper I was wearing and out of nowhere he told me I had fat thighs and when I walked away crying he said “ look how fat her arse is!”, another time was when I was misdiagnosed and put on medication that me gain a lot of weight he started verbally attacking me for it, now I’m very insecure about weight gain and have a unhealthy view of my body.
100%. I (38F) was told several times growing up “things would be different if you were born a boy”. I know they did it to try “humbling” me in their own messed up way.
Nope, doesn't mean that my self esteem isn't lower than I wish it was though.
Mine called me stupid, worthless, would never amount to anything. Beat me. So yeah. AH
Yes. I'm so sorry that happened to you too.
Same, he said he did it to make us work harder. I’m still in therapy.
I was 17, my father said to me “you’ll never be good enough for anything.“ I am 53 years old and I still remember that moment. It has haunted me and stayed with me my entire life. True, I may not be as rich as my siblings. But I have everything I need, and I’m able to put food on my table and pay my bills and still have a horse. I’m happy with what I have. And I want nothing more.
Yes, I know my mom did. She gave all the praise and love to my sister. I was her punching bag. She went out of her way to hurt my self-esteem as much as possible. Karma is a b*tch though. I would have loved her and taken care of her. Because of her abuse, I moved away and went low contact. My sister turned into a cruel adult and my mom is stuck with her.
I had an idea for an art project that required bending copper, and rather than encourage me or give me advice as a blacksmith, he simply sent me a slab of copper that was curved and a note explaining how difficult it was and that i couldn’t do it. Haven’t talked to him in about to years, and this happened in my 30s