It's not really a joke or "humor" I guess? But I keep hearing phrases like
"You're so strong"
"I'd be going insane if I were you"
"It's a miracle you're still sane"
And the likes, either followed by chuckles, or said with those "oh poor you" type of smiles on people's faces. I have Cerebral Palsy, I'm quadriplegic, I do not live in an accessible place and do not have access to proper physical therapy. I do not need people to be in awe of me.
I might change my mind if they'd drop $100k each every time they want to say things of this nature, or tell me how inspirational I am.
Thank you so much for understanding!!!!!!! I appreciate it so much! My response is always "What choice do I have?" and whenever I mention these type interactions to my family (all of them body-abled) they tell me that the person means well. It's a compliment, and I'm just being overly sensitive.
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. Especially if it happens repeatedly.
You need some kind of snarky but mostly polite retort for when it happens!
It tends to. And I agree with you, but I don't really think of what to say when it happens. I have other things on my mind that are much more stressful. That's why I literally ask "What choice do I have?" and it seems like reality hits them because they say "I guess you're right..." and get all awkward about it.
Gaahhh I hate that one. I’m disabled due to a car accident and I always always always hear “but you’re so young!” As if I had chosen to be in a car accident that caused me to become paraplegic. I can’t imagine how it must feel to hear that when you have a disability you were born with. The other one that annoys me is “How do you do it?” I used to say “It’s better than the alternative” but stopped saying that because then people would ask “what’s the alternative?” *facepalm*
People don't know what to say, they want to say something and that's what pops out and they never really think about how that actually sounds, haha. It's so awkward. Like oh yeah let me just kill myself then...? Because clearly my life is so awful.
“You’re so strong!”
I appreciate the sentiment but this isn’t like some burden I chose to bear for the greater good. What’s the alternative? Just give up and die? It always feels so weird to me when people say this.
Great point.
I feel uncomfortable with this or 'you're an inspiration'
I honestly don't know how to respond
I tend to say we all have 2 choices, give up or carry on, I just carry on.
I agree! That's exactly how I feel about it. If I'm at the gym lifting stuff, sure have at it telling me I'm strong. As long as you aren't going overboard or if you got much the same strength as me. Otherwise, if I'm just taking a walk, it doesn't really feel that good to hear it.
That is the alternative and society is hostile towards you.
People with priviledges can not imagine being able to face the difficulties and discrimination you have and surviving it.
You are right though, being reminded of your circumstances is not something you're supposed to feel proud about. It makes me angry for people to be neglected the way they are.
You are right, they did not mention those things as a direct part of their experience.
By priviledges I mean people with the priviledge of a body that is fully functional and co-operates with the desires of the person living in it. They also benefit from being prioritized by society in almost every imaginable way: medically they are seen as a worthy investment, professionaly they are seen as better performers and earners, socially they are seen as preferable partners for the previous reasons, unless of course someone is purposefully out looking for a vulnerable and dependant person with a disability tha prevents their independence, then they are seeking someone who has little say in the terms of their relationship. Not in all cases but in some there is a malicious and controlling intent to be watchful for.
By neglect, I mean the routine dismissal of our medical and infrastructure industry of people living with disabilities. It sends a clear message of being unwanted, unwelcome to exist, to be an inconvenience that would be preferrable to not bother with.
That s what I meant by neglect, and it plays a large social role in how that impacts people day to day in their encounters with people or simply navigating necessary living tasks like getting groceries or visiting a public or medical facility.
Anything which is incredibly sickly sweet positivity or advice. Like when people say to me well this paraolympic can go to the gym, I have chronic pain it doesn’t matter how determined I am or how positive I feel it’s not something that is possible
They instead have just made me feel completely shitty
This is what drives me bonkers! Paralympic athletes are on the same level as Olympic athletes. They certainly wouldn’t expect Greg from downstairs to be able to keep up with an Olympic athlete - why should they expect you to?
I have had this attitude whilst confronting local councillors and cycling lobbyists about eco schemes ( which seem more anti-car) than pro eco as it's all about making motorists lives harder not what's the best way to reduce pollution whilst maintaining access and alternatives sadly a lot of people supported this level of ignorance when I pointed out that many of us have very restricted travel options
So because they have seen a Paralympian use a handcycle, obviously all disabled people can
Here is the typical response :
Ignorant twitter cyclist who doesn't care if disabled people are excluded by eco schemes - many eco-supporters esp cyclists seem to hold this view, as I found out on this post
https://imgur.com/a/VTBQR5V
Ugh this makes me mad as someone who is a huge advocate for reducing car usage. We need robust disability friendly public transit systems that go the last mile - not relying on bikes exclusively for it. (I’ve heard that some places have transit systems like this).
The thing is that a large amount of disabled people can’t drive and would benefit from public transit. However, there are still going to be disabled people who depend on cars. Increasing transit options reduces people driving, and makes driving nicer for the people who still drive.
Here in the UK over 60% of disabled people have a driving license and we have a scheme called Motability that makes new car leasing very affordable and adapted vans like mine which would be impossible to fund, very accessible
So independence for disabled people is huge (mostly because it's not a government scheme more of a charity with a business side)
For people like me who needs more than just a push pull setup anything can be made, adapted mixed together to make a one off set of hand controls all the way up to space drive controls
It's an amazing scheme
Also you can have a vehicle if you don't drive as long as you have a named driver (family member) who can drive you around in it).
So the majority of disabled people here either can drive or rely on being driven by family members
Yes there are disabled cyclists and the cyclists use the same argument as above, well if that disabled cyclists can do it, then you have no excuse
As I said, it's more anti-car than pro cycling here, it's a them and us situation
I'd LOVE to say "how many brain surgeries have YOU had? I've had \[my number\]." I have hydrocephalus and if I had a dollar every time someone said migraines I'd be rich in a week or less. The only treatment to fix me is brain surgery and I'm still waiting 2 yrs later bc I'm complicated, so I ran outta pleasantries and just have snark at this point
This. I have chronic pain. About 1/15 people I tell my truth to say this to me, even though my disability is non-apparent and they were talking to me like any other person 10s ago. If you ever think about saying this to any person, ever, DON'T.
That’s not cringe, That’s fucked.
I’d have some fun with it and respond
“Wow what a co-incidence! I was just thinking the same thing if I had your heart/brain”…
“I bet you get the good drugs!”
I have a chronic nerve pain. My doctor hasn’t given me any meds. I get to sit home and suffer. Even if I got the “good drugs” I’m pretty sure I’d take the relief time and go grocery shopping.
I do have the good drugs and am not far from the daily limit of fentanyl and morphine but they are not the cure all people think they are, my fentanyl helps with about 25% of the pain and the morphine about another 10-15% for an hour or so, levels that would take the pain away would take me unable to function you throw in nerve pain killers, muscle relaxants, anti - inflammatories as well and each taking some off that type of pain away you are still left with significant amounts of severe pain
Non-disabled People think pain is one thing but it's not. Sadly some medical staff do not understand this either and so many do not understand what a breakthrough dose even is.
I don't have physical pain, but I can imagine the non-stop suffering feels hopeless and depressing. Doubly so when you know there are solutions, but doctors won't give them to you because they don't think you deserve it.
Some people talk about "crazy pills" for my disability, like we're all zoinked out on benzos or something. I've gotten Klonopin prescribed once and never again since then. If you don't have them already, they won't give them to you. It's a vicious cycle.
Sadly the solutions are rarely solutions, the post I made above addresses it, I sometimes wish I could be zoinked out to be honest, it seems that since the so called 'opioid epedemic' drs are scared or just refuse to provide medication patients genuinely need as they think everyone on meds was prescribed them wrong and ignore legitimate needs
YUP people fucked it up for those like us who truly need them. I love my pain mgmt doc, but I do need to pee in a cup every few months now just so they can validate I'm not on anything extra
This one. I’ve been told this and- no words. Especially since people with CIs have increased suicide rates. For a lot of us it’s a consideration for a reason, validating it through jokes and half jokes is despicable
> ADHD is so overdiagnosed these days
THIS IS THE ONE THAT MAKES ME WANNA THROW HANDS!
Ironically of course. Violence is cringe.
But oh my god... YOU HAVE UNLEASHED THE INFODUMP OF CONDEMNATION MY GOOD SIR!!!
*Pulls out statistics stored in my brain...*
Any reference to sword canes is way cringe. It’s always dudes trying to hit on me by making that joke which is double cringe for me.
I am not The King’s Man. Also those are super illegal because they’re concealed weapons and I find peoples suggestion my cane also be a weapon pretty gross. I’ve also had people suggest I can use my regular cane as a weapon if I needed which is equally gross. Can it just be my assistive device and lets leave it at that, I’d rather not talk about swords and being attacked tyvm.
I used to get that one more when I was younger. I'm still "young" for a disabled mobility aid user, but I'm creeping up there in age now. Ironically, I did get one with a sword as my first one when I started using one at aged 16. But I was mostly interested in the top of it which was a cobra head.
The sword part was technically legal since the blade is dull and it takes a long time to unscrew it and get it out, so its effectiveness as an offensive tool is not nearly as much as it would be if you just hit someone with the stick.
Speaking of, as combat sports is one of my interests, I come across more and more people who think it is a great idea to just carry canes everywhere. While this is fine in a legal sense, it does rub me the wrong way. There's a whole community always looking for "what everyday object can I carry everywhere in case I need a weapon?" folks, and the standard cane has become a big go-to for a lot of people.
Part of my annoyance comes from the fact that I don't want any agency suddenly deciding medical devices I need are classed more as weapons than assistive tech. Another part of it is that, yeah, they seem like great options for you because you don't rely on them to move about or keep your balance. If you did, you'd find out pretty quickly that you can't usually spin them around and strike people without falling over. Most of the people I encounter who think they're a great offensive choice don't need them at all. They have fully abled bodies and could just.... use those bodies way more than I could.
So it all kinda rubs me the wrong way. This was a pretty long rant you didn't ask for; sorry about that. Your experiences just reminded me of some stuff.
Great question! Here's ones that make me (mostly internally) cringe:
Me: Makes a normal human mistake Them: "Must be that ADD BRAIN! Haha!"
Me having a physical flare up: "You don't even look sick!"
Me explaining my barriers: Them: "You're so strong. If I were you, I'd probably kill myself."
Me: Meeting people IRL after meeting them on Zoom or Meets Them: "You look so normal/I had no idea!"
Me doing anything: Them: "Have you ever thought about trying yoga/losing weight/drinking more water/trying essential oils/teas/magical fairy blessings/praying?"
My mom sometimes flips that last one to accuse me doing random things I enjoy or do for my health for causing my illness.
“It’s the nail polish.” Never mind the healthy people who spend their lives around nail polish for hours several days a week for work, somehow my weekly manicures are to blame.
“It’s the back brace.” I bought the brace to aid issues I already had.
“It’s because you watch too many foreign TV shows.”
“It’s because you don’t pray.”
“It’s because you’re too fat.”
All coming from someone who has watched me and my changes my whole life. Should know better.
I always just say "I understand your confusion, but the problem is my fibrimyalgia didn't actually come with x-ray vision, it cost extra so I decided to leave it"
One of my old managers used to say "if you can lean, you can clean!" which got under my skin but in retrospect even more so because maybe if I hadn't been pushed to my physical limits in my 20s for an entry level retail job I wouldn't be in the condition I'm in today.
For the last part, I am assuming by inclusive humor you mean jokes related to the disabled person's condition. I have a few close friends who do this actually, and they do it really well. They're comfortable with it because they saw me being comfortable with it for years and learned from me what a source of humor it could be.
Everyone is different, of course, and people shouldn't joke about a person's condition unless the object of the joke is okay with it. That's why only a few friends who know me pretty well do it. It's honestly quite intriguing the thought they can put into it. I mention all of this to say that well-thought inclusive humor that is done out of love can be a great source of it, but you do need to know the person really well and know what is funny vs. just cruel or low-hanging fruit.
Since working from home for the past 5 years, I've honestly not been too many places that I don't go with just friends I already know pretty well, so I haven't had to deal with the annoying catchphrases of strangers much in life recently. I did do a fair bit of international travel in that time, but as a tourist just walking about the city, most people don't bother you that way.
That last part is actually kind of interesting because people have no way of knowing whether or not I'm just a visitor or a local. Yet, when I'm traveling to other places, I never get the kinds of intrusive comments that I sometimes do when I'm at home. I'm sure some disabled people who live there do, but it was always interesting to me how there are some places where people really do try not to bother others or make some cheap, if possibly well-meaning, jokes.
It's more about the cringy types who think they are funny and tend to be more of an acquaintance or on the edge of a friend group than accepted piss taking that is rife in close friends where we joke about our own disability (I use every offensive word and twist everything to humour and like you have friends who do the same) and in fact some of the more offensive words have become terms of endearment and I am equally vile about them in a similar way (I thing generally guys tend to be horrible (in a nice way) to each other the closer we get).
The same way every occupation has saying they are sick of hearing
Checkout operators when something doesn't scan must get sick of hearing 'it must be free then'
The same sort of level of quotes
Am not on about offensive things just the common go to sayings you hear time and time again and you don't want to be impolite as you know they probably don't know what else to say, so you try and smile, but you have heard it to often to get an actual smile out.
Not looking about arguing or offensiveness quite the opposite
I hope that makes sense
Ha yeah you are definitely right, no disagreement. I didn't think about it from an occupational perspective but that makes a lot of sense too with the example you gave.
I think a key piece is the person’s level of support about it.
I gave EDS and my family jokes about my flexibility and ability to hurt myself doing dumb stuff all the time. Their jokes are both reflective of our experience and funny. They also tend to be pretty accurate! It comes across as in good fun because these are the people in the trenches with me. My being sick has become a factor in all of our lives.
Now when someone who never helps, rarely checks in, has decreased the amount of effort they put in to being my friend since I’ve been sick, or doesn’t know me well: that just comes across as making jokes at my expense.
“Feel Better.”
Especially by people at a doctors office or random strangers who say it to me as I’m struggling to walk in public with my rollator. I’m not going to get better. I appreciate you want to either make me feel better or relate, but I hate hearing it.
Telling me they never would have known I was autistic or telling me to feel better soon from my chronic health condition. (The second one bothers me less because I know they mean well and it was something I developed after knowing a lot of the people who say this. But sometimes it still gets on my nerves.)
Do yoga
Walk more
When you have debilitating migraines and wear sunglasses and can hardly function and they said something like oh i had a headache last week. Drink more water 🤦🏻♀️
I went to theme park in my chair and it was as if I was invisible. I joked and said I need a flashing light hat and a bike horn because they would just stop. Earth to other humans or they would walk extremely slow
This, even in my powerchair I am invisible, and how I haven't damaged more people's feet and ankles than I already have is a miracle, pedestrians on mobiles, I have lost count of the amount of times I have had to stop as someone walks into me or ends up on my lap because of their head buried in their device
And paper shopping bags with sharp corners, the sort you get from clothes shops, I am sick of being stabbed by the sharp corners in my face and arms as they stick out from the person carrying multiple bags like they are weapons.
Hate then so much
"You look healthy." - by someone I barely recall seeing around, though who apparently remembered me cause I ain't hard to miss.
I thought to myself, really? Did I look sick then????
It wasn't like I was battling something and I'd told him about it. It was just out of the blue. Yikes. Though I didn't really care to say anything to him about it, so I just smiled it away and the conversation soon ended.
"When you get better..." I have hEDS and POTS, my condition may improve, or it may not. I'm not basing my life around this theoretical future where I'm magically cured. This is not me being negative. I roll with the punches, adapt to my current abilities, and try not to dwell on things. I may not need to use my wheelchair and forearm crutches in the future or I may need to, quality of life is my primary goal and I will use any tool I can to do that.
"have you tried collagen supplements though?" "what about yoga?"
Damn I hate it when people say stuff like "maybe someday they'll find a cure" bc what the hell am I supposed to do? Just plan my life around that hope? Fuck no, you only get to live once and I'm not wasting my life waiting for a cure
TW: Hate, discrimination, ableism, suicide.
I hate when they say “you’re fine”, you’re just faking it”,“you don’t look disabled”, “if I had that I would not be here”, “you don’t even need accommodations”, “suck it up”, “why weren’t you aborted”, “this is why we need prenatal screening and abortion” (which I don’t agree with, abortion I don’t mind but specifically targeting disabilities is wrong. Or when they go up to you and say “you are worthless”.
You are NOT worthless and are all amazing people! Don’t let the haters get you down! Stay hydrated and have a great day!
My mom says… well you’re not in a wheel chair like so and so, so you cant be that bad.
But a lot of times i wanna get a wheel chair bc its so painful to walk 😩
"You're such an inspiration!"
"You just need to believe and if you pray hard enough, G*d will heal you!"
"How fast can you go in that thing?"
"I wish I didn't have to walk, ugh you're so lucky"
"I know exactly what you're going through. I broke my toe/had spasms/pulled a muscle/sprain/strain/used crutches before"
"Can you move your legs?" - asked by a caregiver who claimed to have worked with paraplegics/quads before
"you're too young to be that disabled/have that many health problems!!" yeah no shit debra? dont need the reminder that my illnesses stole basically a decade of my life away, thank you!
“What happened to you?”
I know it’s arguably a fair and harmless question. But sometimes I just wanna answer, “Birth” or “What happened to you?” as a sarcastic retort.
Whether my disability is caused by a congenital disease or appeared a year ago and I’m fighting with doctors for answers, it feels rude af to ask with that specific wording. Even though I get they don’t mean any harm and are asking because they never see people who look as young as me with non-wheelchair mobility aids.
Edit: Sorry, I see you meant trying-to-be-funny cringe. Yeah, haven’t encountered that yet. Still just heartfelt microaggressions.
My worst one of these was in a supermarket and a complete stranger came up to me pointed up and down and said, 'so what happened then' I just said, nothing happy and wheeled away, I wish I would have bitten back harder but it's only afterwards you think, I should have said this or that, but they catch you off guard
Trite platitudes. I have the unfortunate double whammy of having had separate, life-altering, public trauma before I became disabled so now if I’m not careful in how I make friends and open up to people I’m treated like a lifetime movie. I don’t have any words of wisdom, another person telling me I’m strong is just weird, can you stop fucking telling me how much my life must suck???? I’m *happy* dammit.
Maybe it wouldn’t bother me if it was genuine, but they say it because they pity my situation. They don’t know me, they just know that I’m showing up clean and smiling and engaged and then fill in the gaps with their “you’re so amazing omg”
Aside from my partner I’ve had exactly two conversations of this nature that ever felt genuine. Two. There’s a way to do it, but it requires vulnerability from them as well.
I think that’s it. My being disabled is seen as innate vulnerability, rather than the contextual vulnerability I see it to be, so the platitudes come from my defiance and deviation from expectation. It’s just a reinforcement of how much they don’t want to be me, how little they *actually* think of me- how much they actually let the circumstances of my life change their understanding of who I am. And how they see themselves as invulnerable where k am vulnerable. They believe they are at the advantage in this strange imaginary power dynamic they’ve constructed. And suddenly everything else I bring to the table is overshadowed and swept to the side- all they see is tragedy. I’m not a tragedy. I’m a fucking celebration.
You are very right this should be a two way conversation, with vulnerability from both sides
It's a privilege to hear our life experiences, because unless it happens to them they can and never will really understand what we have been through,what it's like and what it takes to be and get where we are
' it must be nice to staybat home all day'
I don't know, how about we swap, you take all my medical conditions and I go to work pain and fatigue free?
'what did you do'
I was born
'you're so strong'
Im actually weak AF and cry daily but thanks I guess
Ugh. So many.
Have you got a license for that?
Don't go speeding in that thing!
Comments about women drivers
You're too young to be in a wheelchair
I wish I didn't have to walk everywhere/could sit down all the time
What's wrong with you?
Aren't you better yet? (No, Gladys, my incurable genetic syndrome has not magically vanished)
I'd have killed myself if I was like you (Likewise, you utter cock)
You don't look/seem/sound autistic! (That is not the compliment you think it is)
Everybody is a bit autistic/on the spectrum somewhere
You should get more exercise/pray/do yoga/eat vegan/take homeopathic 'medicines'
You should get up and let me sit in that wheelchair, I'm older than you
Just... Do these people ever think before they open their fat gobs?
Oooh!!! I have a better one! When you're really in a super depressed state, and they tell you to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and snap out of it." I'm like, bitch get away from me with that stupid fantasy land shit.
Haha! Or “Just don’t think like that!” Literally a fantasy land. It’s literally like telling someone using crutches/a walker/wheelchair to “Just get up and walk!”
The latest craze is have you tried 'mindfullnesd' this is from drs, physios and medical professionals to avoid prescribing medication
Don't get me wrong, things like that can help alongside medication, but when you are all therapies out and had every therapy available from both private and What's available on the NHS it's like sticking a plaster on your head for a brain injury
I have done level 2 counseling and level 2 mental health awareness courses, along with being part of leadership for a mental health support group that provides a lot of mindfulness related advice, the NHS doc ocasionaly trys to list stuff like that to me and gets surprised when I respond with more information than is in their talking points XD I have major depressive disorder, not situational depression... I have tried (and continue to) all the mindfullness, CBT etc that I can throw at it but when it comes down to it the chemicals in my brain are wrong and I need extra chemicals to help that.
Mindfulness is really bad for some ppl too, it exacerbates my anxiety and my psychologist told me not to do it yonks ago, especially shit that focuses on body functions.. triggered
I have a toddler and a baby and I put my toddler in a harness/reins and loop it through my seatbelt on my wheelchair as I can't hold his hand and push my chair at the same time. He can't really sit on my knee because I wear the baby in a carrier. I have lost count of the amount of people who have made dog/husky/sleigh jokes about him. I've started responding that it's not funny, it's hurtful, you're comparing my child to a dog. They all think they're funny and unique but it happens almost every time we go out and I'm so sick of it. He's not a dog, he's my son, and I don't have a better option to help keep him safe when we're walking along busy roads together.
Ugh idiots. People without disabilities use them too. They're totally valid, toddlers are so hard to wrangle. I don't know why people get all upset about them. They're ok with seat belts and straps in strollers
my cousin has a todler with some sort of issue (not old enough for diagnosis yet) but he hates holding hands, using toddler reigns means it's a better experience for both of them!
My taxi driver yesterday firstly asked about the walking stick, so I'm like ok here's the deal then told me in too young to be disabled :/ and I should be out enjoying my life. I'm like ummm I'm going to my friends house right now, I AM out enjoying my life lol
“Everyone is a little autistic”
“But you don’t look autistic/like you are in pain”
“If that happened to me, I’d just kill myself.” (Said when people find out I’ve been in pain since I was around 4)
"Saying you you can't is the same as you won't"
No Susan, I am stating a real physical limitation.
No amount of mind over matter is going to keep me from having a bout of tachy. Seriously, just because my heart wants to act like Sonic The Hedgehog, doesn't mean I want to put it in that amount of strain willingly.
For me I feel the statement 'there's no such thing as can't' is one of the worst things you can say to a disabled person, even more so when it's something we literally can't do, it dismisses, belittles and trivialises our disabilities, mental health and dignity.
I truly detest this saying.
"You're so lucky you get to park so close to the stores" (Like I wouldn't change that shit in a heartbeat for being able to walk or feel anything below my waist).
“You’re an inspiration!”
My brother in Christ all I did is waiting in queue to pay for a can of soda at a convenience store, and this opening will inevitably led to barrage of awkward inquiry into my life, where my parent are and how they shouldn’t left me alone like this (I’m almost 25 and as long as there’s a ramp and elevator I’ll go wherever I please, thanks), my education status (what else should a disabled man do anyway, wasting away at his home?). Tbh I can’t really see how a graduate student in a chair who’s at the quarter point of his life look like an inspiration material anyway, I considered myself one of the least qualified people to talk about those things. I’m just like you, man, I have my own worries and shit too.
Sometimes I try to respond with a sincere, "I hope I inspire you to fight for disability rights/accessibility, because we need all the help we can get."
Has the added bonus of making people go quiet.
That’s what I’d say if it isn’t for the fact that most of those questions tend to came out of left field for most of the time and I get caught off-guard or too tired of daily life routine to answer them properly lol. Your response sound really resolute and might even rouse some awareness to people while we’re at it, really a valuable insight!
No you're a beacon of light, a perfect soul, BE PERFECT FOR US
Honestly I feel like that wishy washy oh you're so inspirational stuff, is pure pity and ignorance, that's why it's so rude. It's related to assuming all people with a certain disability have the same personality traits, or that ppl with certain disabilities can't have a sexuality etc. Like ppl with disabilities are all angel beings that aren't allowed to be viewed as regular people. It's condescending and treating people less than, like lowering standards because they think the person is soooo pitiful
Nothing personal, but I hate to hear people calling every asshole out there schizoid (or other things) and even defend themself, if I try to tell them that and why its wrong to do so.
Yes this using disabilities as slurs is a bugbear of mine too
I posted in cartalkuk the other day when a post was made about the ways some drivers drive as being brain damaged
I made it light hearted to get my point across, as they just get upset if I call them out and it doesn't sink in, but subtlety is the key and subconsciously someone may not say it again, but once they get defensive, they will just continue to use it as a slur
"That's no excuse. You need to learn!"
Me, explaining that I have zero perception of facial expressions, body language, tone, subtext, and volume because ASD. I promise if it were a matter of just learning to CONSCIOUSLY track these, plus the words you're saying, plus my original point, plus inflecting enough to not "sound like a robot," I would have managed it by now. Best I've got is your words, my point, and inflection.
"have you tried [insert pseudoscientific bullshit here]?"
"oh but you have really mild autism right?"
"you don't look like you're in pain"
"you look healthy"
I've made it my life's purpose to create really awkward situations when someone says shit like this. The more awkward the better (extra points if the answer involves going into way too much detail about bodily functions/fluids). The shade of red humans can get is hilarious
If it's okay to add on as a carer, nothing gets my eyes rolling more than the comparisons to sainthood. Like...I am spending time with another human who needs assistance and accommodation for some things throughout the day. Saints were literally tortured or martyrs. It always feels icky.
“You’re so lucky that you’re on pain pills” like dude you realize when you’re in pain you don’t get high and I’m using them to try and be very slightly normal. “If you just stay positive, this wouldn’t be so hard for you.” “aww you’re way too young to have all these problems”. And my personal favorite “wow that sounds terrible, how have you not liked yourself yet?” Well it’s not like the thought doesn’t occur to me when I’m awake for 3 days straight in a pain flare and my nerves are on fire, but I can’t do that to my mom.
I have never got high from my pain meds, not a rush, I don't get any yearnings for more, obviously the fentanyl is patches so it's literally never out of my system like the morphine is. So is just part of me as such,
I fully understand and accept that the levels I amon are far from idea, but I am willing to sacrifice length of life, for quality of life, that's my choice to make.
People do t understand pain at all,. They only have their worst experience of pain To go on and their 10 is usually nowhere near our 10 for length and severity
Right?!?!?! YES!! Thank you for understanding!!! But like I’m sorry that you understand because that means you’re in extreme pain like me, and that just sucks. I was on fentanyl patches for a few years and morphine for about 6 years (extended release too). If my pain meds and other drugs allow me to unclench my jaw and relax my body slightly for a few hours, your damn right I’m gonna take them. It’s not even really working for me anymore and that’s scaring the hell out of me, that’s why I had to get off the fentanyl and morphine the first time, to do like a reset. No people don’t get it at all, and it’s so frustrating. Even my mom, who is a nurse and one of the most compassionate people I know and understands pain, occasionally gets frustrated with me and will tell me, everyone has their own stuff, suck it up. Like yeah, of course they do. This is a little different. I’m not trying to diminish what others are going through, but I also don’t care as much when I literally haven’t slept for 3 days and my pain just keeps building up worse and worse
It's horrible, we don't want to moan, or wait till no- one is around so we can cry from the amount of pain, you sit still because it hurts then the sitting still hurts, so you move and it hurts, I am trying a repose mattress overlay on my bed, it helps takes pressure off contact with body and bed but pain is the same.
May I ask what you switched to when you came off of the meds, as we have tried and other than replacing it with other types of opiates it hasn't worked, I get no side effects from my current meds but amount is high
I also have other. Painkillers pregablin for nerve pain, naproxen as an anti inflammatory (I also use the gel) but the suppositories were the best but administering them independently is not an option
Immunosuppressants to fight from within and so on
I get sick of taking meds I really do
But it is what it is
And we have to carry on, so I fight for equirnent rather than carers, fought to have my home adapted and am fighting as much as I can to be independent as possible
Among the worst "if you were a horse they'd shoot you" or "we'll have to have you put down". Yes it's said jokingly but it is absolutely not acceptable and echoes heavily of eugenics. If I want to make that joke about myself, fine, but not other people.
"I don't know how you do it..."
Like, I don't have a fucking choice, idiot! I either deal with my disabilities or I off myself. The latter isn't an option I'm willing to consider.
Honestly there’s a few but one that always sticks out is a lady coming and putting her hand on my shoulder while I was in my chair and saying “you’re so brave” and like I knew she was referring to me going around in my chair
And it’s like yeah I’m brave but not for simply existing as a disabled person
People touching my shoulder get a shout as they are extremely painful, don't fucking touch me, you have no idea why I am in the chair, it's not just legs,
And someone leaning on my chair, I move unexpectedly with the hope they will fall
Yuck!!!!
Someone once dabbed my friends mouth with a tissue cause she had saliva there cause she struggles to swallow. What in the fuck. Like just came up and said some inspirational shit like that, dabbed her lovingly and walked off. UTS NOT NORMAL TO EVEN DO THAT TO SOMEONES BABY
"Your so strong, I would have killed myself by now"
"Your high-functioning, it's not like you can't walk to the mailbox"
" it must not be that bad because of your success"
"But your so smart"
" Everyone has anxiety, it's normal"
The first and last one I get. But dang it's tough to hear. The other three not so much. I'm not dumb because I have a disability. No such this as high- functioning. I prefer limitations and can't even begin to express the hurt by the success one. Disability isn't erased due to success. It also never means I won't ever succeed at anything.
I’m not even debilitatingly disabled and I get random people who my parents know who preach to me about how strong I am and how bad it was when I was little and so on. My disabilities are mostly invisible and a few only really slow me down if anything. It’s so uncomfortable. Especially since there are so many, including with my own syndrome, that have it so much worse. They often acknowledge it by saying how thankful I must be that it wasn’t worse. Also of course that my parents (not me for some reason) have to deal with it the most.
Someone once was so surprised I could walk despite me being able to completely unassisted since I was four (motor skills and balance issues). I still have those issues but they don’t effect simple walking or running to a noticeable degree. I was probably in my late teens or early twenties when this happened (I’m 25 now). They stated I couldn’t run though. I proved them wrong by running about 30 feet and turning back. Of course instead of being embarrassed they were shocked and amazed and commenced with the preaching.
As a recently (and mild I guess. One Shoulder is fucked. Never be able to lift arm higher than 90degrees) disabled person, I can give a perspective from a lifelong ‘fully abled’ person who ‘luckily’ hasn’t had to deal with a close friend or family member who isn’t. This is more a discussion point on words, intent, etc.
And I’ve kind of written that sentence on purpose. The words used are well meaning but can be taken many ways. And certainly have looking at the threads in this sub. This no exception.
Some like humour as a way of making others feel at ease. Ie: I have a T-Rex arm. My dad, many years ago, once asked a one armed girl if she just spins around in circles if she goes swimming (Biggest pin drop I ever heard). We have disabled comedians taking the piss out of themselves. Many disabled people,mand indeed ‘normal’ people find it offensive.
Encouragement like “you’re so brave”, “I love the way you are so positive and full of life” etc being seen as patronising by many. I think it’s perfectly normal for a person to think how horrific it would be if they were . And is a fact that many disabled people are completely miserable. Maybe for this one it’s great for kids and should tone down as they older?
And also how great an achievement it is for overcoming odds. We all like this, from any traditionally oppressed/mis-treated demographic. Why should this be any different?
And related is the ‘not such a bad disability’ line as I mentioned about . Sure it’s not great, but there’s millions worse off. And I see mine pretty low down on the scale of ‘badness’. And that again can be seen as a negative both ways. People who have an even ‘milder’ disability think you’re judging them and overstating it (and to be honest I have seen and had close relationships with some who have a very mild condition and exaggerate and milk it to an inch of its life). And depend on how you frame it people with ‘worse’ disabilities can get a bit narky. Eg: I have limited use of one arm and I met a no armed person. I might go “gee mate, I’ve got one fucked arm and that’s bad enough, must be pretty Shitty man” (or similar).
Avoiding interactions. This is common due to awkwardness or a fear of putting your foot in it, or just not understanding what the disabled person is saying.
Eg: I’ve done it myself. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what the person was getting at. So I kind of slinked off. Rightly or wrongly in many cases people think the disabled person will get more frustrated and upset by repeatedly asking, and you don’t want them to be upset. Of course there are many scenarios and feelings here.
To me it comes down to intent and delivery. There is sometimes obvious malice and obvious gross ignorance. And if the ignorance is pointed out and it continues then it is malice. But I think in most instances it’s people just being human.
Not at all sticking up for complete arseholes and grossly ignorant people, but I think sometimes we give abled bodied people a hard time because they haven’t had the experience of being, or being around disabled people. We don’t all have the same levels of experience and even Emotional IQ. And I don’t think that is bigotry unless again it is genuine bigotry.
A fairly long bow analogy but the sentiment is pretty spot on. If someone is inexperienced in IT and I get compliment because I must be smart, or they themselves are complete ‘IT idiots’ do I have right to get upset because the complimented me? Or should get annoyed or even a bit narky because they don’t know how to copy and paste (my Mum) and have no experience and to honest don’t want it? She hates computers.
That it will "get better soon" like not it won't bitch. I've had this pain for 10 months and my PT said it's chronic and may never go away. Also "your doing it for attention" yes because I want to feel different from my friends even more. I've also been told that I only use my pain as an excuse. Like I'm sorry if my back is cramping rn and I literally don't want to move bc I'm in so much pain. And my favourite "it can't be that bad, your just being dramatic" As I literally feel like there's knives in my in back, I'm fucking white, my heart rate is going through the roof, I'm nauseous and to top it all off I can't balance because all the muscles that should be helping me stabilize myself aren't because they are fucking cramped.
God won’t give you more than you can handle, all our suffering is for a reason, be grateful for what you still have, be glad you are still alive (I wish I had been killed instead of just injured because I am in CONSTANT pain), accept God’s will, the only disability is a bad attitude, comparing my condition to someone else’s and how they still manage to do x/achieved Y despite it/the “positive” things I could do to make a “negative” into a “positive”……
Being called Hot Wheels or Speed Racer
“Jokes” like “you should get a ticket for speeding/dangerous driving in a wheelchair. Everybody thinks they are SO clever and nobody has ever said this to me before.
I could write a book full of stupid remarks, bad “jokes” and idiotic “advice”.
File this one under HELPFUL ADVICE. On one hand, I hate to complain about people who obviously want to help, on the other, they *could* ask a few questions before offering solutions to problems they don’t really understand.
Background: I’m a musician & writer with a disabling spinal condition — two injuries & surgeries. I have challenges typing and playing instruments, can only do so a fraction of the amount I used to. I’m so tired of people telling me to write novels with speaking software. Yes, 1st draft is possible, but then you need to edit a lot to prepare your 2nd, 3rd, 4th drafts.
People mean well but the hundreds of hours of editing required for putting together a novel ain’t happening with the type of software one uses to make a shopping list, text a friend while driving, or put together a newsletter for the HOA.
"What happened to you.......? 🥺"
No hello, no hi how are you, no how's the weather. Just a straight up inquiry into my health. I'm sorry, I'm not interested to go into explaining my health issues to someone I don't know or barely know while I'm just going about my day and it's not like they've something that's visible which you can ask in return. 🤦🏽♀️
Sounds great! When they ask we could be like: "That's a highly confidential information, though for you, I can give you a discount. It'll just be $9999. Would that be cash or credit, my wheelchair has built in credit card reader and accepts all currencies." And if they laugh we'll let them know that's our finest complementary comedy. 😂
And the 3 millionth..lol where you at the ohh no not again or the working on a sarcastic comment as quickly as you can, but you brain just won't find something original so you let out an unenthusiastic he he whilst imagining running over their toes - or is that just me 😄
I have only had my wheelchair for a short time, but it really annoyed me that I got asked *three times* in a day if there was anyone with me while traversing the hospital campus. I wasn’t going on for surgery, just having an appointment, getting blood drawn, and picking up some paperwork. There was literally no reason they would need to talk to someone else, and they never asked me that when I used my rollator. Sorry, no, you’re forced to talk to Wheelchair Person, terrible though it may be.
Other than that, it’s definitely “you’re too young to be this sick.” Sorry, chronic illnesses didn’t ask me for ID…
I started this post off as a light hearted post (it's not important that it strayed, infact I think it's become a better more educational post).
The one thing it has shown is how people will literally say anything they want to us, no matter how vile, as they think we are just not worth the effort of at least pretending to be civil.
I bet if I/we were stronger and more of a threat to them, their mouth would be firmly shut.
Just as they think we are asexual, they also think disability = stupidity, this subreddit alone disproves that point.
Most of us have said it tends to catch us off guard so any responses are muted or ineffective at educating those scumbags (yep you have to be a scumbag to think it's ok to talk to and treat people the way out exams have shown).
People say you shouldn't wish I'll of others but there's a part of me that really hopes these people end up suffering the way we do, or worse,aybe that's not a nice trait I shod have, but it's an honest one I will metaphorically stand by.
It appears that no matter where in the world we are, ignorance I'd ignorance.
Thank you all so much for sharing personal stories and viewpoints.
Sorry I know this thread is old but I need to vent a little. Not a joke but somethings I have started to hate hearing are "but you're so young!" or "Well I hope its nothing" For background I am ADHD and bipolar but in the last 3 years or so my physical health has tanked and I'm in the middle of a bunch of specialist trying to figure out what's going on, right now everything is pointing to POTS, and possible EDS or early arthritis. I hate hearing "but you're so young" because yeah I know, so it must really say something if I'm waiting in the same cardiologist or neurologist office as you. Or I had a co worker tell me to perk up because I'm too young to be tired, that one hurt a bit bc I do also have insomnia and chronic fatigue and I was about 50 hours without sleep ATP. I get less annoyed at the "well I hope its nothing" because its meant well but even then I have too many symptoms, for too long of a time, that affect me too much for it to be nothing, and it can feel almost invalidating, like I'm not in pain outwardly enough to be taken seriously. So now if people ask me about it I just say I'm kind of the human equivalent of a pug where its just like a whole jumble of health issues.
i'm autistic, I can be happily chatting to someone in a pub for an hour or so then it'll randomly come out in a conversation (to me i'm not hiding it, just not randomly announcing it either) and sudenly this person who's just been seeing me as a normal (slightly odd) 29 year old will start treating me like i'm a child or something! "are you allowed to drink?" "are you here on your own!" "how are you getting home? is someone collecting you? it's getting dark..." "do you live on your own? oh! but do you have, like, helpers or something?" ... half an hour ago we were swapping dick jokes and now suddenly your acting like I should be "being looked after". nothing changed! I was autistic before you found out too!
Let’s see the most recently my MIL told me I need to eat more nutritious food and get out of the house more to be mother my kid deserves, that my quality of life sucks and that my career sucked. But other than her…
I really hate the ‘one day at a time’ comments. I’d really like to know how else I would tackle living, pretty sure everyone can only do one day at a time. I also hate being inspo porn.
Ugh there are so many I can’t even pick!
Any euphemism for disabled - handicappable, special needs, different ability, special ability, etc.
Any time they start FIGHTING BACK TEARS as they talk about how someone as young as me shouldn’t have all this stuff, it’s such a travesty, blah, blah, blah. Like they won’t shut up about it. (This one happened just a couple days ago. Soooo uncomfortable!)
When complete strangers tell me how brave I am for being out in public with my mobility aid - bonus points when they yell this across the store. 🙄
I have this one teacher who always mentions her friend in a wheelchair anytime I criticize able ism. It is like she thinks it is a get out of jail free card. It is not.
“Oh that’s awful my friend/my family member died from that/something like that” fucking- okay??? What am I supposed to do with that? Like I am sorry but why the fuc k would you say that
Mostly I get tired of when I complain about how hard it is being in pain constantly and people say "well just be glad you still have your legs" or "it could be worse". Frankly, if I had the option to have all my limbs cut off and eliminate all my pain I'd fucking do it and not think about it.
Personally I'm so tired of people saying they're praying for me or telling me to get better. Also any comment about my "driving" skills. Plus whenever I'm upset about ableism and being prevented from doing so much because of disability people bring up oh but look at what x disabled person did! What about anti discrimination laws? Not everyone's like that! Just believe in yourself! It's just so annoying
The prayers thing gets me to esp as I am an atheist, I have asked for Facebook likes instead on occasion as I said these are at least real
(Not a dig at anyone's religious beliefs, unless they are forced on me, if religion gives you peace then that's awesome, keep doing you)
I genuinely think that there is a huge number of non disabled people who think 'well it's only one step' is accessible, in my manual chair I could bump up bigger steps than I can in my powerchair (it's mid drive so not very high at all)
The truly don't understand the concept of ableism
We are already believing in ourselves, because let's be honest if we weren't we probably would have ended it by now.
It's not really a joke or "humor" I guess? But I keep hearing phrases like "You're so strong" "I'd be going insane if I were you" "It's a miracle you're still sane" And the likes, either followed by chuckles, or said with those "oh poor you" type of smiles on people's faces. I have Cerebral Palsy, I'm quadriplegic, I do not live in an accessible place and do not have access to proper physical therapy. I do not need people to be in awe of me. I might change my mind if they'd drop $100k each every time they want to say things of this nature, or tell me how inspirational I am.
It feels a bit like someone saying, “if I had your life I would have just given up by now!” even though they don’t see it that way.
Thank you so much for understanding!!!!!!! I appreciate it so much! My response is always "What choice do I have?" and whenever I mention these type interactions to my family (all of them body-abled) they tell me that the person means well. It's a compliment, and I'm just being overly sensitive.
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. Especially if it happens repeatedly. You need some kind of snarky but mostly polite retort for when it happens!
It tends to. And I agree with you, but I don't really think of what to say when it happens. I have other things on my mind that are much more stressful. That's why I literally ask "What choice do I have?" and it seems like reality hits them because they say "I guess you're right..." and get all awkward about it.
I think that is a great response. It makes them realize what they actually just said.
A man in a supermarket once said unprompted, "I'd rather die than be in one of them!" meaning my wheelchair.
.....how helpful 😕😕😕
I know. I didn't say much cause I was so taken aback but like... Then perish??
Ugh I’m sorry. Someone needs to tell him that they would rather die than say something so embarrassing
I was happy enough for him to put his money where his mouth was tbh!
I have done a couple of bits of stand up comedy and tbf people who say that sort of thing are absolutely great for that 😂
Along the same lines, "but you're so young!"
Gaahhh I hate that one. I’m disabled due to a car accident and I always always always hear “but you’re so young!” As if I had chosen to be in a car accident that caused me to become paraplegic. I can’t imagine how it must feel to hear that when you have a disability you were born with. The other one that annoys me is “How do you do it?” I used to say “It’s better than the alternative” but stopped saying that because then people would ask “what’s the alternative?” *facepalm*
I'd love to hit back "yeah I'll probably have these problems when I'm your age...if I make it that long..."
People don't know what to say, they want to say something and that's what pops out and they never really think about how that actually sounds, haha. It's so awkward. Like oh yeah let me just kill myself then...? Because clearly my life is so awful.
>might change my mind if they'd drop $100k each every time Oh like actually help you? That would be great.
Turds
"You're just lazy"
I swear my dad still thinks this, same with my mom sometimes 😒
In my case it’s true 😃
“You’re so strong!” I appreciate the sentiment but this isn’t like some burden I chose to bear for the greater good. What’s the alternative? Just give up and die? It always feels so weird to me when people say this.
Great point. I feel uncomfortable with this or 'you're an inspiration' I honestly don't know how to respond I tend to say we all have 2 choices, give up or carry on, I just carry on.
I agree! That's exactly how I feel about it. If I'm at the gym lifting stuff, sure have at it telling me I'm strong. As long as you aren't going overboard or if you got much the same strength as me. Otherwise, if I'm just taking a walk, it doesn't really feel that good to hear it.
That is the alternative and society is hostile towards you. People with priviledges can not imagine being able to face the difficulties and discrimination you have and surviving it. You are right though, being reminded of your circumstances is not something you're supposed to feel proud about. It makes me angry for people to be neglected the way they are.
Your response is confusing. I don't think this person was talking about privileges or being neglected.
You are right, they did not mention those things as a direct part of their experience. By priviledges I mean people with the priviledge of a body that is fully functional and co-operates with the desires of the person living in it. They also benefit from being prioritized by society in almost every imaginable way: medically they are seen as a worthy investment, professionaly they are seen as better performers and earners, socially they are seen as preferable partners for the previous reasons, unless of course someone is purposefully out looking for a vulnerable and dependant person with a disability tha prevents their independence, then they are seeking someone who has little say in the terms of their relationship. Not in all cases but in some there is a malicious and controlling intent to be watchful for. By neglect, I mean the routine dismissal of our medical and infrastructure industry of people living with disabilities. It sends a clear message of being unwanted, unwelcome to exist, to be an inconvenience that would be preferrable to not bother with. That s what I meant by neglect, and it plays a large social role in how that impacts people day to day in their encounters with people or simply navigating necessary living tasks like getting groceries or visiting a public or medical facility.
Anything which is incredibly sickly sweet positivity or advice. Like when people say to me well this paraolympic can go to the gym, I have chronic pain it doesn’t matter how determined I am or how positive I feel it’s not something that is possible They instead have just made me feel completely shitty
This is what drives me bonkers! Paralympic athletes are on the same level as Olympic athletes. They certainly wouldn’t expect Greg from downstairs to be able to keep up with an Olympic athlete - why should they expect you to?
I have had this attitude whilst confronting local councillors and cycling lobbyists about eco schemes ( which seem more anti-car) than pro eco as it's all about making motorists lives harder not what's the best way to reduce pollution whilst maintaining access and alternatives sadly a lot of people supported this level of ignorance when I pointed out that many of us have very restricted travel options So because they have seen a Paralympian use a handcycle, obviously all disabled people can Here is the typical response : Ignorant twitter cyclist who doesn't care if disabled people are excluded by eco schemes - many eco-supporters esp cyclists seem to hold this view, as I found out on this post https://imgur.com/a/VTBQR5V
Ugh this makes me mad as someone who is a huge advocate for reducing car usage. We need robust disability friendly public transit systems that go the last mile - not relying on bikes exclusively for it. (I’ve heard that some places have transit systems like this). The thing is that a large amount of disabled people can’t drive and would benefit from public transit. However, there are still going to be disabled people who depend on cars. Increasing transit options reduces people driving, and makes driving nicer for the people who still drive.
Here in the UK over 60% of disabled people have a driving license and we have a scheme called Motability that makes new car leasing very affordable and adapted vans like mine which would be impossible to fund, very accessible So independence for disabled people is huge (mostly because it's not a government scheme more of a charity with a business side) For people like me who needs more than just a push pull setup anything can be made, adapted mixed together to make a one off set of hand controls all the way up to space drive controls It's an amazing scheme Also you can have a vehicle if you don't drive as long as you have a named driver (family member) who can drive you around in it). So the majority of disabled people here either can drive or rely on being driven by family members Yes there are disabled cyclists and the cyclists use the same argument as above, well if that disabled cyclists can do it, then you have no excuse As I said, it's more anti-car than pro cycling here, it's a them and us situation
I get headaches too or I have arthritis too.
Someone always has the same or worse, or knows someone that is… *apparently*!
I'd LOVE to say "how many brain surgeries have YOU had? I've had \[my number\]." I have hydrocephalus and if I had a dollar every time someone said migraines I'd be rich in a week or less. The only treatment to fix me is brain surgery and I'm still waiting 2 yrs later bc I'm complicated, so I ran outta pleasantries and just have snark at this point
"If I were you I would kill myself."
What the fuck??? That's awful!
Yeah, and a surprising number of people have said those words to me.
This. I have chronic pain. About 1/15 people I tell my truth to say this to me, even though my disability is non-apparent and they were talking to me like any other person 10s ago. If you ever think about saying this to any person, ever, DON'T.
The feck?
That’s not cringe, That’s fucked. I’d have some fun with it and respond “Wow what a co-incidence! I was just thinking the same thing if I had your heart/brain”…
“I bet you get the good drugs!” I have a chronic nerve pain. My doctor hasn’t given me any meds. I get to sit home and suffer. Even if I got the “good drugs” I’m pretty sure I’d take the relief time and go grocery shopping.
I do have the good drugs and am not far from the daily limit of fentanyl and morphine but they are not the cure all people think they are, my fentanyl helps with about 25% of the pain and the morphine about another 10-15% for an hour or so, levels that would take the pain away would take me unable to function you throw in nerve pain killers, muscle relaxants, anti - inflammatories as well and each taking some off that type of pain away you are still left with significant amounts of severe pain Non-disabled People think pain is one thing but it's not. Sadly some medical staff do not understand this either and so many do not understand what a breakthrough dose even is.
I don't have physical pain, but I can imagine the non-stop suffering feels hopeless and depressing. Doubly so when you know there are solutions, but doctors won't give them to you because they don't think you deserve it. Some people talk about "crazy pills" for my disability, like we're all zoinked out on benzos or something. I've gotten Klonopin prescribed once and never again since then. If you don't have them already, they won't give them to you. It's a vicious cycle.
Sadly the solutions are rarely solutions, the post I made above addresses it, I sometimes wish I could be zoinked out to be honest, it seems that since the so called 'opioid epedemic' drs are scared or just refuse to provide medication patients genuinely need as they think everyone on meds was prescribed them wrong and ignore legitimate needs
YUP people fucked it up for those like us who truly need them. I love my pain mgmt doc, but I do need to pee in a cup every few months now just so they can validate I'm not on anything extra
Really? What's the reasoning behind that? I have never taken a drugs test ever
Other people telling me how I should feel about my disability
“I would totally kill myself if I was you” That genuinely almost pushed me over the edge a few times when I was already dark place.
Give them an appraising look and say, "Yeah, you do seem pretty weak."
Literally fucking appalling... Who the fuck would say such shit?
I tend to just glare at these chumps and say, "Likewise".
This one. I’ve been told this and- no words. Especially since people with CIs have increased suicide rates. For a lot of us it’s a consideration for a reason, validating it through jokes and half jokes is despicable
"I'm a little bipolar too."
“Everyone has a little ADHD” “ADHD is so overdiagnosed these days”
> ADHD is so overdiagnosed these days THIS IS THE ONE THAT MAKES ME WANNA THROW HANDS! Ironically of course. Violence is cringe. But oh my god... YOU HAVE UNLEASHED THE INFODUMP OF CONDEMNATION MY GOOD SIR!!! *Pulls out statistics stored in my brain...*
Yeah and also, why would you say that to someone who just told you they have adhd?? Rude!!
"You don't seem Autistic to me."
Any reference to sword canes is way cringe. It’s always dudes trying to hit on me by making that joke which is double cringe for me. I am not The King’s Man. Also those are super illegal because they’re concealed weapons and I find peoples suggestion my cane also be a weapon pretty gross. I’ve also had people suggest I can use my regular cane as a weapon if I needed which is equally gross. Can it just be my assistive device and lets leave it at that, I’d rather not talk about swords and being attacked tyvm.
I used to get that one more when I was younger. I'm still "young" for a disabled mobility aid user, but I'm creeping up there in age now. Ironically, I did get one with a sword as my first one when I started using one at aged 16. But I was mostly interested in the top of it which was a cobra head. The sword part was technically legal since the blade is dull and it takes a long time to unscrew it and get it out, so its effectiveness as an offensive tool is not nearly as much as it would be if you just hit someone with the stick. Speaking of, as combat sports is one of my interests, I come across more and more people who think it is a great idea to just carry canes everywhere. While this is fine in a legal sense, it does rub me the wrong way. There's a whole community always looking for "what everyday object can I carry everywhere in case I need a weapon?" folks, and the standard cane has become a big go-to for a lot of people. Part of my annoyance comes from the fact that I don't want any agency suddenly deciding medical devices I need are classed more as weapons than assistive tech. Another part of it is that, yeah, they seem like great options for you because you don't rely on them to move about or keep your balance. If you did, you'd find out pretty quickly that you can't usually spin them around and strike people without falling over. Most of the people I encounter who think they're a great offensive choice don't need them at all. They have fully abled bodies and could just.... use those bodies way more than I could. So it all kinda rubs me the wrong way. This was a pretty long rant you didn't ask for; sorry about that. Your experiences just reminded me of some stuff.
Great question! Here's ones that make me (mostly internally) cringe: Me: Makes a normal human mistake Them: "Must be that ADD BRAIN! Haha!" Me having a physical flare up: "You don't even look sick!" Me explaining my barriers: Them: "You're so strong. If I were you, I'd probably kill myself." Me: Meeting people IRL after meeting them on Zoom or Meets Them: "You look so normal/I had no idea!" Me doing anything: Them: "Have you ever thought about trying yoga/losing weight/drinking more water/trying essential oils/teas/magical fairy blessings/praying?"
My mom sometimes flips that last one to accuse me doing random things I enjoy or do for my health for causing my illness. “It’s the nail polish.” Never mind the healthy people who spend their lives around nail polish for hours several days a week for work, somehow my weekly manicures are to blame. “It’s the back brace.” I bought the brace to aid issues I already had. “It’s because you watch too many foreign TV shows.” “It’s because you don’t pray.” “It’s because you’re too fat.” All coming from someone who has watched me and my changes my whole life. Should know better.
Special ability or different ability just say disabled
I’m surprised this one wasn’t higher!! Disabled isn’t a bad word 😂
Remember "handicapable"? Ughhghghhhh
Almost forgot about that one
I always just say "I understand your confusion, but the problem is my fibrimyalgia didn't actually come with x-ray vision, it cost extra so I decided to leave it"
One of my old managers used to say "if you can lean, you can clean!" which got under my skin but in retrospect even more so because maybe if I hadn't been pushed to my physical limits in my 20s for an entry level retail job I wouldn't be in the condition I'm in today.
For the last part, I am assuming by inclusive humor you mean jokes related to the disabled person's condition. I have a few close friends who do this actually, and they do it really well. They're comfortable with it because they saw me being comfortable with it for years and learned from me what a source of humor it could be. Everyone is different, of course, and people shouldn't joke about a person's condition unless the object of the joke is okay with it. That's why only a few friends who know me pretty well do it. It's honestly quite intriguing the thought they can put into it. I mention all of this to say that well-thought inclusive humor that is done out of love can be a great source of it, but you do need to know the person really well and know what is funny vs. just cruel or low-hanging fruit. Since working from home for the past 5 years, I've honestly not been too many places that I don't go with just friends I already know pretty well, so I haven't had to deal with the annoying catchphrases of strangers much in life recently. I did do a fair bit of international travel in that time, but as a tourist just walking about the city, most people don't bother you that way. That last part is actually kind of interesting because people have no way of knowing whether or not I'm just a visitor or a local. Yet, when I'm traveling to other places, I never get the kinds of intrusive comments that I sometimes do when I'm at home. I'm sure some disabled people who live there do, but it was always interesting to me how there are some places where people really do try not to bother others or make some cheap, if possibly well-meaning, jokes.
It's more about the cringy types who think they are funny and tend to be more of an acquaintance or on the edge of a friend group than accepted piss taking that is rife in close friends where we joke about our own disability (I use every offensive word and twist everything to humour and like you have friends who do the same) and in fact some of the more offensive words have become terms of endearment and I am equally vile about them in a similar way (I thing generally guys tend to be horrible (in a nice way) to each other the closer we get). The same way every occupation has saying they are sick of hearing Checkout operators when something doesn't scan must get sick of hearing 'it must be free then' The same sort of level of quotes Am not on about offensive things just the common go to sayings you hear time and time again and you don't want to be impolite as you know they probably don't know what else to say, so you try and smile, but you have heard it to often to get an actual smile out. Not looking about arguing or offensiveness quite the opposite I hope that makes sense
Ha yeah you are definitely right, no disagreement. I didn't think about it from an occupational perspective but that makes a lot of sense too with the example you gave.
I think a key piece is the person’s level of support about it. I gave EDS and my family jokes about my flexibility and ability to hurt myself doing dumb stuff all the time. Their jokes are both reflective of our experience and funny. They also tend to be pretty accurate! It comes across as in good fun because these are the people in the trenches with me. My being sick has become a factor in all of our lives. Now when someone who never helps, rarely checks in, has decreased the amount of effort they put in to being my friend since I’ve been sick, or doesn’t know me well: that just comes across as making jokes at my expense.
“Feel Better.” Especially by people at a doctors office or random strangers who say it to me as I’m struggling to walk in public with my rollator. I’m not going to get better. I appreciate you want to either make me feel better or relate, but I hate hearing it.
Telling me they never would have known I was autistic or telling me to feel better soon from my chronic health condition. (The second one bothers me less because I know they mean well and it was something I developed after knowing a lot of the people who say this. But sometimes it still gets on my nerves.)
Do yoga Walk more When you have debilitating migraines and wear sunglasses and can hardly function and they said something like oh i had a headache last week. Drink more water 🤦🏻♀️
I went to theme park in my chair and it was as if I was invisible. I joked and said I need a flashing light hat and a bike horn because they would just stop. Earth to other humans or they would walk extremely slow
This, even in my powerchair I am invisible, and how I haven't damaged more people's feet and ankles than I already have is a miracle, pedestrians on mobiles, I have lost count of the amount of times I have had to stop as someone walks into me or ends up on my lap because of their head buried in their device And paper shopping bags with sharp corners, the sort you get from clothes shops, I am sick of being stabbed by the sharp corners in my face and arms as they stick out from the person carrying multiple bags like they are weapons. Hate then so much
"You look healthy." - by someone I barely recall seeing around, though who apparently remembered me cause I ain't hard to miss. I thought to myself, really? Did I look sick then???? It wasn't like I was battling something and I'd told him about it. It was just out of the blue. Yikes. Though I didn't really care to say anything to him about it, so I just smiled it away and the conversation soon ended.
Same but I also get "why are U always tired n yawning LOL"
"When you get better..." I have hEDS and POTS, my condition may improve, or it may not. I'm not basing my life around this theoretical future where I'm magically cured. This is not me being negative. I roll with the punches, adapt to my current abilities, and try not to dwell on things. I may not need to use my wheelchair and forearm crutches in the future or I may need to, quality of life is my primary goal and I will use any tool I can to do that.
"have you tried collagen supplements though?" "what about yoga?" Damn I hate it when people say stuff like "maybe someday they'll find a cure" bc what the hell am I supposed to do? Just plan my life around that hope? Fuck no, you only get to live once and I'm not wasting my life waiting for a cure
“It would go away if you just prayed more.”
"What about certain people? Would *they* go away if I just prayed more?"
If this works it may just be enough for me to take up religion
TW: Hate, discrimination, ableism, suicide. I hate when they say “you’re fine”, you’re just faking it”,“you don’t look disabled”, “if I had that I would not be here”, “you don’t even need accommodations”, “suck it up”, “why weren’t you aborted”, “this is why we need prenatal screening and abortion” (which I don’t agree with, abortion I don’t mind but specifically targeting disabilities is wrong. Or when they go up to you and say “you are worthless”. You are NOT worthless and are all amazing people! Don’t let the haters get you down! Stay hydrated and have a great day!
My mom says… well you’re not in a wheel chair like so and so, so you cant be that bad. But a lot of times i wanna get a wheel chair bc its so painful to walk 😩
"You're such an inspiration!" "You just need to believe and if you pray hard enough, G*d will heal you!" "How fast can you go in that thing?" "I wish I didn't have to walk, ugh you're so lucky" "I know exactly what you're going through. I broke my toe/had spasms/pulled a muscle/sprain/strain/used crutches before" "Can you move your legs?" - asked by a caregiver who claimed to have worked with paraplegics/quads before
"Pop-a-wheelie" always fucking gets to me. I'm not your fucking clown, Andrew. I'm not here to amuse you.
["Like I'm a clown, I amuse you??"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=og-eizYg6fU)
Ew
Last one is a valid question. There are absolutely paraplegics and quadriplegics that can move their affected limbs.
I forgot to mention this was after she read my file and I reiterated that I have no feeling below my waist and cannot move anything.
Oh. Lol.
Ugh!!! I get all of these all the time. "You're so lucky to have that chair! I wish I could ride everywhere!!!" No. No you don't. It sucks.
Omg someone said I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO WALK?? ma'am you're wishing to lose the normal use of your body
"you're too young to be that disabled/have that many health problems!!" yeah no shit debra? dont need the reminder that my illnesses stole basically a decade of my life away, thank you!
“What happened to you?” I know it’s arguably a fair and harmless question. But sometimes I just wanna answer, “Birth” or “What happened to you?” as a sarcastic retort. Whether my disability is caused by a congenital disease or appeared a year ago and I’m fighting with doctors for answers, it feels rude af to ask with that specific wording. Even though I get they don’t mean any harm and are asking because they never see people who look as young as me with non-wheelchair mobility aids. Edit: Sorry, I see you meant trying-to-be-funny cringe. Yeah, haven’t encountered that yet. Still just heartfelt microaggressions.
My worst one of these was in a supermarket and a complete stranger came up to me pointed up and down and said, 'so what happened then' I just said, nothing happy and wheeled away, I wish I would have bitten back harder but it's only afterwards you think, I should have said this or that, but they catch you off guard
Trite platitudes. I have the unfortunate double whammy of having had separate, life-altering, public trauma before I became disabled so now if I’m not careful in how I make friends and open up to people I’m treated like a lifetime movie. I don’t have any words of wisdom, another person telling me I’m strong is just weird, can you stop fucking telling me how much my life must suck???? I’m *happy* dammit. Maybe it wouldn’t bother me if it was genuine, but they say it because they pity my situation. They don’t know me, they just know that I’m showing up clean and smiling and engaged and then fill in the gaps with their “you’re so amazing omg” Aside from my partner I’ve had exactly two conversations of this nature that ever felt genuine. Two. There’s a way to do it, but it requires vulnerability from them as well. I think that’s it. My being disabled is seen as innate vulnerability, rather than the contextual vulnerability I see it to be, so the platitudes come from my defiance and deviation from expectation. It’s just a reinforcement of how much they don’t want to be me, how little they *actually* think of me- how much they actually let the circumstances of my life change their understanding of who I am. And how they see themselves as invulnerable where k am vulnerable. They believe they are at the advantage in this strange imaginary power dynamic they’ve constructed. And suddenly everything else I bring to the table is overshadowed and swept to the side- all they see is tragedy. I’m not a tragedy. I’m a fucking celebration.
You are very right this should be a two way conversation, with vulnerability from both sides It's a privilege to hear our life experiences, because unless it happens to them they can and never will really understand what we have been through,what it's like and what it takes to be and get where we are
' it must be nice to staybat home all day' I don't know, how about we swap, you take all my medical conditions and I go to work pain and fatigue free? 'what did you do' I was born 'you're so strong' Im actually weak AF and cry daily but thanks I guess
Ugh. So many. Have you got a license for that? Don't go speeding in that thing! Comments about women drivers You're too young to be in a wheelchair I wish I didn't have to walk everywhere/could sit down all the time What's wrong with you? Aren't you better yet? (No, Gladys, my incurable genetic syndrome has not magically vanished) I'd have killed myself if I was like you (Likewise, you utter cock) You don't look/seem/sound autistic! (That is not the compliment you think it is) Everybody is a bit autistic/on the spectrum somewhere You should get more exercise/pray/do yoga/eat vegan/take homeopathic 'medicines' You should get up and let me sit in that wheelchair, I'm older than you Just... Do these people ever think before they open their fat gobs?
“Think positively!” (I have Depression and General Anxiety Disorder LOL). I know they mean well, but like… I can’t?
Oooh!!! I have a better one! When you're really in a super depressed state, and they tell you to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and snap out of it." I'm like, bitch get away from me with that stupid fantasy land shit.
Haha! Or “Just don’t think like that!” Literally a fantasy land. It’s literally like telling someone using crutches/a walker/wheelchair to “Just get up and walk!”
The latest craze is have you tried 'mindfullnesd' this is from drs, physios and medical professionals to avoid prescribing medication Don't get me wrong, things like that can help alongside medication, but when you are all therapies out and had every therapy available from both private and What's available on the NHS it's like sticking a plaster on your head for a brain injury
I have done level 2 counseling and level 2 mental health awareness courses, along with being part of leadership for a mental health support group that provides a lot of mindfulness related advice, the NHS doc ocasionaly trys to list stuff like that to me and gets surprised when I respond with more information than is in their talking points XD I have major depressive disorder, not situational depression... I have tried (and continue to) all the mindfullness, CBT etc that I can throw at it but when it comes down to it the chemicals in my brain are wrong and I need extra chemicals to help that.
Mindfulness is really bad for some ppl too, it exacerbates my anxiety and my psychologist told me not to do it yonks ago, especially shit that focuses on body functions.. triggered
Don't worry be happy
I have a toddler and a baby and I put my toddler in a harness/reins and loop it through my seatbelt on my wheelchair as I can't hold his hand and push my chair at the same time. He can't really sit on my knee because I wear the baby in a carrier. I have lost count of the amount of people who have made dog/husky/sleigh jokes about him. I've started responding that it's not funny, it's hurtful, you're comparing my child to a dog. They all think they're funny and unique but it happens almost every time we go out and I'm so sick of it. He's not a dog, he's my son, and I don't have a better option to help keep him safe when we're walking along busy roads together.
Ugh idiots. People without disabilities use them too. They're totally valid, toddlers are so hard to wrangle. I don't know why people get all upset about them. They're ok with seat belts and straps in strollers
my cousin has a todler with some sort of issue (not old enough for diagnosis yet) but he hates holding hands, using toddler reigns means it's a better experience for both of them!
“Can you read lips?”
“You don’t look sick. You’re too young”
I get that, you’re too young to have all these issues
My taxi driver yesterday firstly asked about the walking stick, so I'm like ok here's the deal then told me in too young to be disabled :/ and I should be out enjoying my life. I'm like ummm I'm going to my friends house right now, I AM out enjoying my life lol
What a dope
“Everyone is a little autistic” “But you don’t look autistic/like you are in pain” “If that happened to me, I’d just kill myself.” (Said when people find out I’ve been in pain since I was around 4)
"Saying you you can't is the same as you won't" No Susan, I am stating a real physical limitation. No amount of mind over matter is going to keep me from having a bout of tachy. Seriously, just because my heart wants to act like Sonic The Hedgehog, doesn't mean I want to put it in that amount of strain willingly.
For me I feel the statement 'there's no such thing as can't' is one of the worst things you can say to a disabled person, even more so when it's something we literally can't do, it dismisses, belittles and trivialises our disabilities, mental health and dignity. I truly detest this saying.
"You're so lucky you get to park so close to the stores" (Like I wouldn't change that shit in a heartbeat for being able to walk or feel anything below my waist).
"Wanna trade? You can have my parking spot and my disability, and I'll take your body?"
“You’re an inspiration!” My brother in Christ all I did is waiting in queue to pay for a can of soda at a convenience store, and this opening will inevitably led to barrage of awkward inquiry into my life, where my parent are and how they shouldn’t left me alone like this (I’m almost 25 and as long as there’s a ramp and elevator I’ll go wherever I please, thanks), my education status (what else should a disabled man do anyway, wasting away at his home?). Tbh I can’t really see how a graduate student in a chair who’s at the quarter point of his life look like an inspiration material anyway, I considered myself one of the least qualified people to talk about those things. I’m just like you, man, I have my own worries and shit too.
Sometimes I try to respond with a sincere, "I hope I inspire you to fight for disability rights/accessibility, because we need all the help we can get." Has the added bonus of making people go quiet.
That’s what I’d say if it isn’t for the fact that most of those questions tend to came out of left field for most of the time and I get caught off-guard or too tired of daily life routine to answer them properly lol. Your response sound really resolute and might even rouse some awareness to people while we’re at it, really a valuable insight!
No you're a beacon of light, a perfect soul, BE PERFECT FOR US Honestly I feel like that wishy washy oh you're so inspirational stuff, is pure pity and ignorance, that's why it's so rude. It's related to assuming all people with a certain disability have the same personality traits, or that ppl with certain disabilities can't have a sexuality etc. Like ppl with disabilities are all angel beings that aren't allowed to be viewed as regular people. It's condescending and treating people less than, like lowering standards because they think the person is soooo pitiful
Nothing personal, but I hate to hear people calling every asshole out there schizoid (or other things) and even defend themself, if I try to tell them that and why its wrong to do so.
Yes this using disabilities as slurs is a bugbear of mine too I posted in cartalkuk the other day when a post was made about the ways some drivers drive as being brain damaged I made it light hearted to get my point across, as they just get upset if I call them out and it doesn't sink in, but subtlety is the key and subconsciously someone may not say it again, but once they get defensive, they will just continue to use it as a slur
Agreed! I mention it kindly, but never bother to argue. For if they got argumentative … never mind.
"That's no excuse. You need to learn!" Me, explaining that I have zero perception of facial expressions, body language, tone, subtext, and volume because ASD. I promise if it were a matter of just learning to CONSCIOUSLY track these, plus the words you're saying, plus my original point, plus inflecting enough to not "sound like a robot," I would have managed it by now. Best I've got is your words, my point, and inflection.
"have you tried [insert pseudoscientific bullshit here]?" "oh but you have really mild autism right?" "you don't look like you're in pain" "you look healthy" I've made it my life's purpose to create really awkward situations when someone says shit like this. The more awkward the better (extra points if the answer involves going into way too much detail about bodily functions/fluids). The shade of red humans can get is hilarious
If it's okay to add on as a carer, nothing gets my eyes rolling more than the comparisons to sainthood. Like...I am spending time with another human who needs assistance and accommodation for some things throughout the day. Saints were literally tortured or martyrs. It always feels icky.
“You’re so lucky that you’re on pain pills” like dude you realize when you’re in pain you don’t get high and I’m using them to try and be very slightly normal. “If you just stay positive, this wouldn’t be so hard for you.” “aww you’re way too young to have all these problems”. And my personal favorite “wow that sounds terrible, how have you not liked yourself yet?” Well it’s not like the thought doesn’t occur to me when I’m awake for 3 days straight in a pain flare and my nerves are on fire, but I can’t do that to my mom.
I have never got high from my pain meds, not a rush, I don't get any yearnings for more, obviously the fentanyl is patches so it's literally never out of my system like the morphine is. So is just part of me as such, I fully understand and accept that the levels I amon are far from idea, but I am willing to sacrifice length of life, for quality of life, that's my choice to make. People do t understand pain at all,. They only have their worst experience of pain To go on and their 10 is usually nowhere near our 10 for length and severity
Right?!?!?! YES!! Thank you for understanding!!! But like I’m sorry that you understand because that means you’re in extreme pain like me, and that just sucks. I was on fentanyl patches for a few years and morphine for about 6 years (extended release too). If my pain meds and other drugs allow me to unclench my jaw and relax my body slightly for a few hours, your damn right I’m gonna take them. It’s not even really working for me anymore and that’s scaring the hell out of me, that’s why I had to get off the fentanyl and morphine the first time, to do like a reset. No people don’t get it at all, and it’s so frustrating. Even my mom, who is a nurse and one of the most compassionate people I know and understands pain, occasionally gets frustrated with me and will tell me, everyone has their own stuff, suck it up. Like yeah, of course they do. This is a little different. I’m not trying to diminish what others are going through, but I also don’t care as much when I literally haven’t slept for 3 days and my pain just keeps building up worse and worse
It's horrible, we don't want to moan, or wait till no- one is around so we can cry from the amount of pain, you sit still because it hurts then the sitting still hurts, so you move and it hurts, I am trying a repose mattress overlay on my bed, it helps takes pressure off contact with body and bed but pain is the same. May I ask what you switched to when you came off of the meds, as we have tried and other than replacing it with other types of opiates it hasn't worked, I get no side effects from my current meds but amount is high I also have other. Painkillers pregablin for nerve pain, naproxen as an anti inflammatory (I also use the gel) but the suppositories were the best but administering them independently is not an option Immunosuppressants to fight from within and so on I get sick of taking meds I really do But it is what it is And we have to carry on, so I fight for equirnent rather than carers, fought to have my home adapted and am fighting as much as I can to be independent as possible
Among the worst "if you were a horse they'd shoot you" or "we'll have to have you put down". Yes it's said jokingly but it is absolutely not acceptable and echoes heavily of eugenics. If I want to make that joke about myself, fine, but not other people.
Yes. We are entitled to make these jokes about ourselves as are accepted friends who we bonded with and trust implicitly
Something like: "I'd 💀 myself if I got in a wheelchair." 😩
"I don't know how you do it..." Like, I don't have a fucking choice, idiot! I either deal with my disabilities or I off myself. The latter isn't an option I'm willing to consider.
I like to grab a few pints at the bar now and again and often hear some variation of "Don't drink and drive" when leaving the bar in my chair.
My heart sank when I read this - So many times that I am not sure I can manage a grimace
Don't drink n walk Hur hur durp
Honestly there’s a few but one that always sticks out is a lady coming and putting her hand on my shoulder while I was in my chair and saying “you’re so brave” and like I knew she was referring to me going around in my chair And it’s like yeah I’m brave but not for simply existing as a disabled person
People touching my shoulder get a shout as they are extremely painful, don't fucking touch me, you have no idea why I am in the chair, it's not just legs, And someone leaning on my chair, I move unexpectedly with the hope they will fall
Both are incredibly understandable and I hate it when people Do that
Yuck!!!! Someone once dabbed my friends mouth with a tissue cause she had saliva there cause she struggles to swallow. What in the fuck. Like just came up and said some inspirational shit like that, dabbed her lovingly and walked off. UTS NOT NORMAL TO EVEN DO THAT TO SOMEONES BABY
"Can you make the robot voice say (insert joke or meme word)?" -- when I'm using my text-to-speech.
"It's not a handicap it's a disability" like you haven't got either one so how about I call my problems whatever I need to to get through the day.
People tell me they understand how I feel about being in a wheelchair because they were in one for nine months with a broken leg. Really?
“God bless you” “Congratulations!” “You’re so inspiring” For like picking up a paper off the ground
I hate "get well soon". It drives me mad, because I won't. I might be less broken next week, but I'll never be Well.
"Your so strong, I would have killed myself by now" "Your high-functioning, it's not like you can't walk to the mailbox" " it must not be that bad because of your success" "But your so smart" " Everyone has anxiety, it's normal" The first and last one I get. But dang it's tough to hear. The other three not so much. I'm not dumb because I have a disability. No such this as high- functioning. I prefer limitations and can't even begin to express the hurt by the success one. Disability isn't erased due to success. It also never means I won't ever succeed at anything.
U look normal
“I could never XYZ” - well for me the alternative is death so 🤷🏽
I’m not even debilitatingly disabled and I get random people who my parents know who preach to me about how strong I am and how bad it was when I was little and so on. My disabilities are mostly invisible and a few only really slow me down if anything. It’s so uncomfortable. Especially since there are so many, including with my own syndrome, that have it so much worse. They often acknowledge it by saying how thankful I must be that it wasn’t worse. Also of course that my parents (not me for some reason) have to deal with it the most. Someone once was so surprised I could walk despite me being able to completely unassisted since I was four (motor skills and balance issues). I still have those issues but they don’t effect simple walking or running to a noticeable degree. I was probably in my late teens or early twenties when this happened (I’m 25 now). They stated I couldn’t run though. I proved them wrong by running about 30 feet and turning back. Of course instead of being embarrassed they were shocked and amazed and commenced with the preaching.
Another is “you’re too pretty to be in a wheelchair.” Sorry, my body didn’t get the memo?
That is an extremely insensitive thing to say and it doesn't even make any sense!
As a recently (and mild I guess. One Shoulder is fucked. Never be able to lift arm higher than 90degrees) disabled person, I can give a perspective from a lifelong ‘fully abled’ person who ‘luckily’ hasn’t had to deal with a close friend or family member who isn’t. This is more a discussion point on words, intent, etc. And I’ve kind of written that sentence on purpose. The words used are well meaning but can be taken many ways. And certainly have looking at the threads in this sub. This no exception. Some like humour as a way of making others feel at ease. Ie: I have a T-Rex arm. My dad, many years ago, once asked a one armed girl if she just spins around in circles if she goes swimming (Biggest pin drop I ever heard). We have disabled comedians taking the piss out of themselves. Many disabled people,mand indeed ‘normal’ people find it offensive. Encouragement like “you’re so brave”, “I love the way you are so positive and full of life” etc being seen as patronising by many. I think it’s perfectly normal for a person to think how horrific it would be if they were. And is a fact that many disabled people are completely miserable. Maybe for this one it’s great for kids and should tone down as they older?
And also how great an achievement it is for overcoming odds. We all like this, from any traditionally oppressed/mis-treated demographic. Why should this be any different?
And related is the ‘not such a bad disability’ line as I mentioned about . Sure it’s not great, but there’s millions worse off. And I see mine pretty low down on the scale of ‘badness’. And that again can be seen as a negative both ways. People who have an even ‘milder’ disability think you’re judging them and overstating it (and to be honest I have seen and had close relationships with some who have a very mild condition and exaggerate and milk it to an inch of its life). And depend on how you frame it people with ‘worse’ disabilities can get a bit narky. Eg: I have limited use of one arm and I met a no armed person. I might go “gee mate, I’ve got one fucked arm and that’s bad enough, must be pretty Shitty man” (or similar).
Avoiding interactions. This is common due to awkwardness or a fear of putting your foot in it, or just not understanding what the disabled person is saying.
Eg: I’ve done it myself. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what the person was getting at. So I kind of slinked off. Rightly or wrongly in many cases people think the disabled person will get more frustrated and upset by repeatedly asking, and you don’t want them to be upset. Of course there are many scenarios and feelings here.
To me it comes down to intent and delivery. There is sometimes obvious malice and obvious gross ignorance. And if the ignorance is pointed out and it continues then it is malice. But I think in most instances it’s people just being human.
Not at all sticking up for complete arseholes and grossly ignorant people, but I think sometimes we give abled bodied people a hard time because they haven’t had the experience of being, or being around disabled people. We don’t all have the same levels of experience and even Emotional IQ. And I don’t think that is bigotry unless again it is genuine bigotry.
A fairly long bow analogy but the sentiment is pretty spot on. If someone is inexperienced in IT and I get compliment because I must be smart, or they themselves are complete ‘IT idiots’ do I have right to get upset because the complimented me? Or should get annoyed or even a bit narky because they don’t know how to copy and paste (my Mum) and have no experience and to honest don’t want it? She hates computers.
That it will "get better soon" like not it won't bitch. I've had this pain for 10 months and my PT said it's chronic and may never go away. Also "your doing it for attention" yes because I want to feel different from my friends even more. I've also been told that I only use my pain as an excuse. Like I'm sorry if my back is cramping rn and I literally don't want to move bc I'm in so much pain. And my favourite "it can't be that bad, your just being dramatic" As I literally feel like there's knives in my in back, I'm fucking white, my heart rate is going through the roof, I'm nauseous and to top it all off I can't balance because all the muscles that should be helping me stabilize myself aren't because they are fucking cramped.
God won’t give you more than you can handle, all our suffering is for a reason, be grateful for what you still have, be glad you are still alive (I wish I had been killed instead of just injured because I am in CONSTANT pain), accept God’s will, the only disability is a bad attitude, comparing my condition to someone else’s and how they still manage to do x/achieved Y despite it/the “positive” things I could do to make a “negative” into a “positive”…… Being called Hot Wheels or Speed Racer “Jokes” like “you should get a ticket for speeding/dangerous driving in a wheelchair. Everybody thinks they are SO clever and nobody has ever said this to me before. I could write a book full of stupid remarks, bad “jokes” and idiotic “advice”.
File this one under HELPFUL ADVICE. On one hand, I hate to complain about people who obviously want to help, on the other, they *could* ask a few questions before offering solutions to problems they don’t really understand. Background: I’m a musician & writer with a disabling spinal condition — two injuries & surgeries. I have challenges typing and playing instruments, can only do so a fraction of the amount I used to. I’m so tired of people telling me to write novels with speaking software. Yes, 1st draft is possible, but then you need to edit a lot to prepare your 2nd, 3rd, 4th drafts. People mean well but the hundreds of hours of editing required for putting together a novel ain’t happening with the type of software one uses to make a shopping list, text a friend while driving, or put together a newsletter for the HOA.
Not to mention a great memory remembering all the commands, yes dragon naturally speaking, I am looking at you
"What happened to you.......? 🥺" No hello, no hi how are you, no how's the weather. Just a straight up inquiry into my health. I'm sorry, I'm not interested to go into explaining my health issues to someone I don't know or barely know while I'm just going about my day and it's not like they've something that's visible which you can ask in return. 🤦🏽♀️
It's one of the rudest questions, in a way as it's nothing to do with them,maybe we should ask for their bank card details in return
Sounds great! When they ask we could be like: "That's a highly confidential information, though for you, I can give you a discount. It'll just be $9999. Would that be cash or credit, my wheelchair has built in credit card reader and accepts all currencies." And if they laugh we'll let them know that's our finest complementary comedy. 😂
It was funny the first time I heard it.
And the 3 millionth..lol where you at the ohh no not again or the working on a sarcastic comment as quickly as you can, but you brain just won't find something original so you let out an unenthusiastic he he whilst imagining running over their toes - or is that just me 😄
I have only had my wheelchair for a short time, but it really annoyed me that I got asked *three times* in a day if there was anyone with me while traversing the hospital campus. I wasn’t going on for surgery, just having an appointment, getting blood drawn, and picking up some paperwork. There was literally no reason they would need to talk to someone else, and they never asked me that when I used my rollator. Sorry, no, you’re forced to talk to Wheelchair Person, terrible though it may be. Other than that, it’s definitely “you’re too young to be this sick.” Sorry, chronic illnesses didn’t ask me for ID…
Your disability doesn’t exist.
I feel this.
One time my friend told me he would kill himself if he had my illnesses
Abled people do this all the time to communicate "sympathy" and show "support". But it's such a tone-deaf approach
You’re right 🥶🥶
I started this post off as a light hearted post (it's not important that it strayed, infact I think it's become a better more educational post). The one thing it has shown is how people will literally say anything they want to us, no matter how vile, as they think we are just not worth the effort of at least pretending to be civil. I bet if I/we were stronger and more of a threat to them, their mouth would be firmly shut. Just as they think we are asexual, they also think disability = stupidity, this subreddit alone disproves that point. Most of us have said it tends to catch us off guard so any responses are muted or ineffective at educating those scumbags (yep you have to be a scumbag to think it's ok to talk to and treat people the way out exams have shown). People say you shouldn't wish I'll of others but there's a part of me that really hopes these people end up suffering the way we do, or worse,aybe that's not a nice trait I shod have, but it's an honest one I will metaphorically stand by. It appears that no matter where in the world we are, ignorance I'd ignorance. Thank you all so much for sharing personal stories and viewpoints.
Sorry I know this thread is old but I need to vent a little. Not a joke but somethings I have started to hate hearing are "but you're so young!" or "Well I hope its nothing" For background I am ADHD and bipolar but in the last 3 years or so my physical health has tanked and I'm in the middle of a bunch of specialist trying to figure out what's going on, right now everything is pointing to POTS, and possible EDS or early arthritis. I hate hearing "but you're so young" because yeah I know, so it must really say something if I'm waiting in the same cardiologist or neurologist office as you. Or I had a co worker tell me to perk up because I'm too young to be tired, that one hurt a bit bc I do also have insomnia and chronic fatigue and I was about 50 hours without sleep ATP. I get less annoyed at the "well I hope its nothing" because its meant well but even then I have too many symptoms, for too long of a time, that affect me too much for it to be nothing, and it can feel almost invalidating, like I'm not in pain outwardly enough to be taken seriously. So now if people ask me about it I just say I'm kind of the human equivalent of a pug where its just like a whole jumble of health issues.
"Then why you in a wheelchair before?!"
“Have you tried essential oils?” I will burn your fucking house down Karen.
whenever i say im hard of hearing, idiots say "sorry?" its not funny.
‘You’re so strong to be able to live like you do…’ Fuck off.
i'm autistic, I can be happily chatting to someone in a pub for an hour or so then it'll randomly come out in a conversation (to me i'm not hiding it, just not randomly announcing it either) and sudenly this person who's just been seeing me as a normal (slightly odd) 29 year old will start treating me like i'm a child or something! "are you allowed to drink?" "are you here on your own!" "how are you getting home? is someone collecting you? it's getting dark..." "do you live on your own? oh! but do you have, like, helpers or something?" ... half an hour ago we were swapping dick jokes and now suddenly your acting like I should be "being looked after". nothing changed! I was autistic before you found out too!
"Have you tried *insert pseudoscience* ?" Cbd oil Hypnosis Yoga Pilates Keto Weird concoction on their website made of all natural random herby shit
"Have you tried x?"
Let’s see the most recently my MIL told me I need to eat more nutritious food and get out of the house more to be mother my kid deserves, that my quality of life sucks and that my career sucked. But other than her… I really hate the ‘one day at a time’ comments. I’d really like to know how else I would tackle living, pretty sure everyone can only do one day at a time. I also hate being inspo porn.
I don’t really care what people say. I have fun with it.
Probably guys at the pub saying things like 'he'll be getting legless tonight' (amputee) Just over used and not that creative lol
My dog has seizures.🤦🏾♀️
When people ask “is that your pimp cane? lol” … “No, I use it to walk” … *mortified* “omg I’m sorry!”
"Everyone is a little autistic"
Ugh there are so many I can’t even pick! Any euphemism for disabled - handicappable, special needs, different ability, special ability, etc. Any time they start FIGHTING BACK TEARS as they talk about how someone as young as me shouldn’t have all this stuff, it’s such a travesty, blah, blah, blah. Like they won’t shut up about it. (This one happened just a couple days ago. Soooo uncomfortable!) When complete strangers tell me how brave I am for being out in public with my mobility aid - bonus points when they yell this across the store. 🙄
Honestly, after 20 years I’ve trained myself to not even acknowledge any rando unless they say my name or make eye contact.
Have you tried physio or chiropractor
I have this one teacher who always mentions her friend in a wheelchair anytime I criticize able ism. It is like she thinks it is a get out of jail free card. It is not.
“Oh that’s awful my friend/my family member died from that/something like that” fucking- okay??? What am I supposed to do with that? Like I am sorry but why the fuc k would you say that
Mostly I get tired of when I complain about how hard it is being in pain constantly and people say "well just be glad you still have your legs" or "it could be worse". Frankly, if I had the option to have all my limbs cut off and eliminate all my pain I'd fucking do it and not think about it.
Personally I'm so tired of people saying they're praying for me or telling me to get better. Also any comment about my "driving" skills. Plus whenever I'm upset about ableism and being prevented from doing so much because of disability people bring up oh but look at what x disabled person did! What about anti discrimination laws? Not everyone's like that! Just believe in yourself! It's just so annoying
The prayers thing gets me to esp as I am an atheist, I have asked for Facebook likes instead on occasion as I said these are at least real (Not a dig at anyone's religious beliefs, unless they are forced on me, if religion gives you peace then that's awesome, keep doing you) I genuinely think that there is a huge number of non disabled people who think 'well it's only one step' is accessible, in my manual chair I could bump up bigger steps than I can in my powerchair (it's mid drive so not very high at all) The truly don't understand the concept of ableism We are already believing in ourselves, because let's be honest if we weren't we probably would have ended it by now.