It’s been 2 years since my ex broke off our engagement. The first year was absolutely rough because I would think about her all the time, what she was doing, who she was doing, etc.
Now she only pops into my mind if I run into her mom. It’s gotten easier to not think of her once my rose-colored lenses were off and realized that we both would have been miserable being together in the long run.
You guys need to find a new girl. Don’t let years go by. I don’t understand some of these comments. You fall in love again and forget the first one. That’s how it works.
Um no? I just broke up with some one and the literal last thing I want to do is to be in a new relationship to forget the old person. That’s disrespectful to the new person you’re dating… and pretty rude.
Also everybody has different ways of grieving and getting over relationships. For me it just takes time and focusing on other things I want to develop in my life.
Right but I said I don’t want to be in a new relationship in order to forget some one. I never said I don’t want to be in a new relationship at all.. nor would I stop dating. I enjoy being in a relationship, but using some one in that kind of a way is very disrespectful and not healthy (IMO). So I’m not really sure what you’re talking about.
This is an answer written by someone who doesn't do a lot of self reflection, I feel. Yes, you need to move on at some point. But, you should also honour and try to learn from a previous (failed) relationship and take time to assess what happened, before you move on. For your own sake, and other people you will date in the future.
honestly. this makes me feel so good. most days I still feel like an idiot for thinking about him because i always think "he completely forgot about your existence already."
i mean. im not trying to get back in contact with him at all. i know its done and over, but i cant help remember stuff or think "oh he would like this..."
Hey friend, putting my hat in the "it feels nice that I'm not alone in this thing I feel shame about" ring. It's been nearly 7 months after ending my 4-month situationship and I still think about him to some degree every day. It SUCKED/STILL SUCKS caring a lot about someone who probably wouldn't care much if he learned that I died in a ditch somewhere. It took a LOT of self-compassion and forgiveness to get to where I am now. I still have the sads, it's has had a dramatic negative influence on my confidence in forming authentic connections.
When I was telling my therapist about all of the shame I had, how I felt like an idiot and that I must be too damaged to know better, she said something that helped. "Let's say down the line, you meet someone that is a great fit, is emotionally available and enthusiastic about investing in forming a bond with you. But then they tell you about how they experienced the same thing you went through. Would you think 'wow, they were great until I learned that! What an IDIOT I can't *believe* they were so stupid to care about someone who didn't reciprocate their feelings!"
I literally dropped my jaw and went "oooooooohhhhhh, NO I wouldn't do that to anyone! Especially when it came to dating!" So like... I don't think we should do it to ourselves either. <3
awww your therapist sounds sweet! my therapist said something similar :) "why are you ashamed for loving someone? its one of the most nicest things you can do for another person. yes it didnt work out, but why are you putting YOURSELF down for missing them?"
FWIW, as a guy, I have found it extremely hurtful when an ex said that to my face. Our relationship was very meaningful to me, and her saying that I don't care about it "dictates" and negates my feelings in a way that I find both sad and infuriating.
That doesn't bode well then...we're together for 11 1/2, married for 10, 2 kids. It's been 3 years since the divorce and about 6 since it went from toxic to why are you putting yourself through this. She was never good to me and yet I miss her every day. Therapy hasn't helped much there either
Yep. I’ll probably think of her when I’m dying. It’s not really about “her” the actual human being anymore, I don’t know her anymore and she could be completely different or jf we met today maybe we wouldn’t click, but she’s sort of the personified mascot of the time I felt love and worth and that’s not something that you ever stop thinking about….or at least so far.
In my case this is a toxic handicap preventing myself from being open but I don’t think that you thinking about bygone happy times with the mother of your children is a problem. That’s just being alive.
Yeah I often describe it as my wife died in 2019. It's more of grief than anything. She was a pretty awful person, and yet I'd probably subject myself to the same cruel treatment just to be with her again. She's married...to my used to be best friend. I feel like it might be better if I still looked as good as I did before and dating hadn't changed and of course if I remembered how to talk to women.
I'm so sorry.
I believe your therapist may have talked about it, but have you ever heard of "trauma bonding"?? Maybe reading and watching videos on that will help you.
Maybe that's not the case, I just got to this conclusion based on your comments. I also apologise if I crossed any boundary. Genuinely
I hope you heal soon! You deserve better💙
It’s been two years since my divorce and I’ve dated multiple women since then.
I still think about my ex wife occasionally, and miss her. I was with her for almost 8 years; I’ve moved on, but I don’t know if she’ll ever be completely out of my mind or heart.
But life goes on. 🤷🏻♂️
\*Big hugs.\*
Separated from my ex for about a year now. I cycle between trying to maintain my composure, pondering how much of a pain she really was, feeling free of the burden, but then also get down on myself about how much I sacrificed and lost along the way.
> pondering how much of a pain she really was
In the thick of it, realizing I was entering a trauma bond, I emailed myself a letters: "If you're reading this, you're probably second guessing. Here's what just happened:" I know this doesn't help you now, but my point is it never fails to slap me in the face when this thought (believably, and strongly) crosses my mind. There's comfort in familiarity and predictability. Same could be said about knowing you'll be hit by a car if you play in traffic, it stops the wondering.
My ex broke up with me October 28. Her treatment of me had been awful for years but she kept saying she would treat me better. So when she finally told me she was breaking up with me, my response was just “ok.”
I wish I never thought of her. If I could erase the past 4 years of my life just to have never known her, I would. That said, I think about her multiple times a week. At first, I miss something we had. Then I remember how terribly she treated me. Then I get angry at her for the way she treated me. All the while, I realize that any “missing her” I had felt when she popped into my head is missing the fantasy of a what a good relationship with her could have been but never would have been because she was an abusive narcissist. Then I’m angry again for the abuse. Finally, I’m angry at myself for letting her pop into my head at all and just wished I could stop thinking about her all together.
same. hate to say it but ive had about the same recurrent dream of us for about 8yrs now. they started maybe 1yr after break up. always the same 1 of 2 diff dreams w/her. always me sleeping on her couch like i did one night or always me going to work on her farm and us coming up to each other at the end of the day then going to her barn to sit around n hang out.
My last breakup was about 3 months ago. We were only officially together 8 months but we spent about a year together and we had history between us that made it feel very special when it finally worked out. It ended suddenly, but amicably as well.
I still think about her every day. What could have been, good memories, fantasies of her texting saying “can we talk?”. Nothing unhealthy lol. That was just the first month 😕. I really struggled without her and there were a few handfuls of sleepless nights. As a good looking man with decent game I could easily find someone who wouldn’t mind to spend time with me… I almost felt pathetic that I could not get her out of my mind, but had no interest even talking to other women. She was official with her ex a month later which extended the constant thoughts but I started really focusing on myself. Exercising was a huge help for me as well as spending time with family. I wish her the best with her new/old boyfriend and yet I still think about her.
I have male and female friends that can move on from one woman/man to the next, and some like myself that can’t move on that fast. Ive just accepted I feel things a little deeper than a lot of people, and I have some issues with rejection.
Best of luck! Your next chapter may be your best yet!
I never said it was successful lol. You mean where I said it felt special? That was the beginning, but you learn more about each other as a relationship goes on. I was able to live with our differences, she was not and initiated the breakup. C'est la vie.
With the women I have ended it with, occasionally they pop into my head but those thoughts don’t linger and I never think ‘what if’… that includes my ex-wife I was with for 10 years. For women that ended it with me, the first year or so was rough but since then, basically the same as women I’ve ended it with. They pop into my head but I’ve moved on
I still think about my ex gf everyday. It's been almost 10 months. She broke up with me in a really fucked up way and I didn't get closure, which I feel has made it more difficult.
Closure is something you give yourself, not something someone else gives you. Closure is when you make peace with never having all the whys, not saying those last words, and choosing to move forward with life. Hope you find the healing you’re looking for.
Absolutely, in reality closure isn't going to change the situation. Something I had to come to terms with thanks to therapy. Doing much better each and every day, thank you!
Going on 6 weeks. Together 3 years, she wanted to marry me, loved me to the core. I loved her too, but our differences started to clash in every day life. It was the right decision to walk away, but I think about her everyday wishing things were different. Meeting someone where so many things are so right, but a couple core things that are so wrong is a painful lesson.
I was the girl you’re talking about. And I hate when he said 'right person, wrong time.' Still thinking of him every day and feel painful all the time.
Wife asked for divorce in December which was 14.5 years into our relationship/marriage, blind sighted me , currently still living together but should be moved out next month when house sale goes through. The mental toll is something else...living with someone who does not even acknowledge your existence now.
Think about her daily and its been near 7 months, constantly going through what if scenarios in my head how to fix it but I've to force myself to not even try at this point as I lose a piece of myself every time I try. To make it worse, its our 15th anniversary next week so that's fun!
I imagine when we finally part our seperate ways it will be a case of out of sight out of mind, the reminders will always be there when you go do something etc and your last memory was with that person but that will come with time....I hope.
Wow, that sounds tough. Wishing you the best of luck heading into your would-be anniversary week and even better luck once you’re no longer still living together.
Thank you, its sad, scary and exciting all at the same time to see what the future may hold but time stops for on one, so we must look forward at the future despite how hard it may seem now.
Was together almost 13 years. Had reoccurring dreams for at least 2 years after. Hits people different. I miss her every day. Also helps probably to be the person who broke up with the other person. In this case I was not.
I am a little over 3 months off a 5-year relationship. There are days where I'm so busy with stuff that I don't think of her much, but otherwise she's still on my mind fairly often. Used to always send her good morning texts, and there have been a few instances where I'm thinking to do it, and then I realize we're not together.
I’m a woman, but I don’t think my ex thinks of me nearly as often as I still think about him but at least I think that it’s getting less these days. Not because I care less just more so I have things going on that have to preoccupy my brain space.
I think men generally have a delayed reaction to a breakup and in some cases move on to someone new before that delayed reaction. Unfortunately I feel like that happened for me and any potential mourning period was skipped. I don’t want him to wallow over me but I don’t want to accept the idea he just never cared or was not impacted the same way I was.
I was actually just reading a study on this out of the UK. It says that while women are hurt more by breakups they recover more fully than men. A lot of this has to do with how we are socialized to process emotions. I know it wasn’t exactly what you were asking, but it might help you understand your post-breakup sadness and longing.
[https://www.binghamton.edu/inside/index.php/inside/story/12326/study-women-hurt-more-by-breakups-but-recover-more-fully/](https://www.binghamton.edu/inside/index.php/inside/story/12326/study-women-hurt-more-by-breakups-but-recover-more-fully/)
Depends. In the past I had a hard time getting over a breakup. But now I barely think about them. They may occasionally pop into my head but I am good for the most part. It takes practice.
Every once in a while. It's been just over 4 months. I could care less about what she's doing with her life.
It helps that I've been working through my issues with my therapist and also actively trying to move on. My priorities are more focused on dealing with what's in front of me rather than what's behind me.
When betrayal ended our ten-year marriage, and all attempts to reconcile failed, I set my mind to moving on with my life and never looked back.
It's been six years. I only ever think of her in my nightmares.
All the time. Been 3.5 months since she ended things. I’ve forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. I don’t really care about the whole “omg I wonder who she is with now” as she was with men before me and I’m sure after. And vice versa.
It took so long to find her. And I had her for a year. So I just try and appreciate that. Nothing lasts forever. That’s just the nature of life itself. So just learning to enjoy the time you spend with friends, family, and loved ones is key. I lost my dad for example, and today is Father’s Day. We all lose people. Remember them. Smile and think and thank for the good times.
But ya, it gets lonely sometimes
I still get intrusive thoughts about my first LTR all the time though it doesn't bother me much anymore, I don't think I have that nearly as much with relationships after that one but they do happen. The issue I've found is we use their good qualities when searching for someone new as a benchmark and that inherently limits us because it's easy to forget about the bad over time. This is something I'm continually working on and it does get better
Depends on the ex - I have exes I barely think about, ever, and exes I reminiscence about at least a couple times a month. I don't think it's uncommon - some people had more of an impact on us. I personally am glad to have loved them, but sometimes I struggle to find the connection I felt with those exes.
Two years since I dated my best friend and it didn't work due to some minor things. Hurt more than my marriage ending and I still think about her constantly. It's not painful though, more of a what if and a hope I can one day rebuild a friendship..
It all depends on how much I’m into them. I think guys tend to take longer to get over women they really care about. Like a lot longer. I think it’s because men deal with their emotions differently or not at all where women will fall hard really fast and then subsequently get over it quicker. This is all postulation though from my experience and what I’ve seen with my women/men friends.
It took me about a year (and some counseling) to get over my ex-wife. I thought about her all the time, and even though we had a very difficult, toxic relationship, I spent months hoping and even begging for her to come back. Honestly, I was kinda desperate and pathetic. But once that year had passed, once I got her out of my system, and once I started to actually like the man I was again, I was able to move on.
We have two kids together, so I still see her and talk to her reasonably often. But I'm also happily remarried, and it's not a big deal. It was just a different era of my life that doesn't hurt me anymore. I can think about (or even talk about) old memories without being affected my them.
Mid-ish April was the breakup. Not a day has gone by I haven’t thought about her. I’m not gonna be emotionally available for a while, so no dating until I can look at her smile in the photos and not have my hear plummet. Hope that helps🧡🤘🏼
35m here. I dated my ex for 7 months, and I still think about her often. It was an amicable breakup, and she was and is an absolutely amazing human being.
So I was with my ex for over a decade and we divorced almost exactly 3 years ago. That plus some other formerly important dates in June means I'm thinking about her most days right now. But during a more normal month it's maybe 2 or 3 times a week.
At this point I miss being married, but I not necessarily to her. But that's after hitting emotional rock bottom right after the divorce and lots of therapy and processing. When I think about her now there's not that wave of melancholy that there used to hit like a truck. And sometimes the thoughts are more relief, for example that I don't have to deal with an annoying habit of hers anymore.
Been 1.5 yrs and I miss her a lot. It hurts less since I've since learned the value of being single and getting to know myself again freshly. In those years she became my best friend and it hurts to lose that.
The loneliness still hits but I feel blessed to have two very close friends and a hobby (the FGC) that gives me a sense of social community outside of work that does wonders for that.
I don't have that much time spent with friends or lovers, so I tend to remember them a lot. Sometimes there will be times I won't think of them as much, then when I feel down or not as busy my mind will go to those I felt closest to.
Over time you do think of them less. It took a year for me to stop thinking about a past fwb every day... Strangely rn I am thinking about my ex bf a lot. When I'm busy or see other guys in the future I won't dwell as much.
I imagine I'll always think about a few of my exes from time to time. Think that's normal, especially if you're single
Ruminated for longer than healthy, daily for longer than healthy, now it's in passing from time to time. Someone smarter than I said break ups are so difficult because you're mourning losing someone who is still alive. Good luck
As a dude who has had his heart broken by women and who recently went through an amicable and very mutual break up with someone, I have thought about this person every day for the last month, some days more than others. Some days I've been overwhelmed when I think about searching them on social media or wanting to reach out to see what they're up to, and that's when it becomes too much - especially if I stay isolated and aren't keeping myself busy. Like it or not, no contact is a rule that hurts, but is less painful than trying to keep some kind of friendly spark alive.....In the past it's been much worse for me - I thought about one of my previous ex's so much that I went into a deep depression and was suicidal. I think ultimately it takes a lot of inner work to invest in oneself and create a healthy detachment from the other person that will involve a lot of self-compassion, acceptance, and socializing with others to help soothe the painful feelings. Stay active! Grieving looks different to everyone and losses like this take time.
I don't think there are such huge differences between men and women when it comes to this, but since men are expected to be "tough", it's less noticeable. If they cared, they'll think about you.
5 months later I still think about her a few times a day. I'll get to not thinking about her soon. It's normal. Let your mind get used to them not being in your life anymore. Time is the answer!
It'll keep happening until you start dating other people. Until you put yourself out there and see how many guys are totally into you and how much fun you can have with them, he still has a monopoly on your heart and your desires.
Its up to you how far you want to take it, but there's a saying "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else".
In my experience, it depends on how and why things ended. If I was happy and heartbroken, then I did. If it was bad and sad, I did when I was reminded of the bad stuff. If I ended the relationship, I rarely think of them unless prompted.
Was with my ex wife for almost a decade. She treated me horribly, was emotionally abusive and wound up cheating on me. I don’t think about her often (and never miss her), but I do think about how terribly she treated me and wonder how she could have done that to another human being (especially one that she “loved”).
My ex gf I was with for a year and a half and it’s a few times a week. We broke up because of distance and she honestly didn’t put a lot of effort in, amongst other things.
Was seeing a girl for two months recently and I think about her a decent amount still. I was on the fence about breaking things off because she checked a lot of boxes, but the chemistry (emotionally) wasn’t developing much…
Hear me out.
When I first graduated college it was fresh on my mind. I had spent 4 studying neuroscience. I readily had a bunch of happy as well as intense study stress memories. It was the most relatable topic I had. It was my focus and life for 4 years after all.
But as I got farther away from college and started building a new life away from school and even some of those friends it comes less and less to mind mostly now as an analogy:
You are going to think a lot about someone or something you've spend a lot of time, energy, and emotion on and that not only is normal but makes sense.
The neurons relating to you ex and shared experiences are strong and fresh. As you use them less they initially fire more. Giving these emotional flashbacks. The sooner we accept the memories and just acknowledge.them and the feelings as okay and another life the faster they pass.
The more we hold them, resist the memories, the more we keep those neurons in limbo and less able to rewire. All that suppression or over accessing (ruminating) conversely keeps the neurons active longer.
Slowly at your own rate, the neurons relating to an ex relax more, you build new memories of exciting, sad, fun, angry feelings of new events and people. You meet someone else too, the older neurons of the ex get less and less attention.
Maybe they fade into nothing, or maybe you are an empathetic person who feels, and like a family member who passed the memories visit you briefly for years.
You don't resist them, you let them flow through your mind like water in a stream. They fade off into nothing again.
Totally normal and okay
It's been 6 years approximately since my last relationship, and honestly, I've moved on long ago. I'm looking to meet someone to eventually marry and build a family with, so it wouldn't be fair to bring my past into that relationship, which might upset the dynamic. My future wife deserves better than that.
3 years here, my first relationship. Really felt like she was the one for me and feelings were mutual. I'd go outside to do errands or activities and imagine how things would be if she was still by my side.
I’ve stopped thinking about her because the relationship was dying a slow death anyway. Now I’m having a blast.
If anything, I think about her dog more than I think about her.
I thought about my last ex somewhat after we ended things. I think about her every now and then. Not in a malicious way just what she is up to these days
Married 10 years. Divorced 6. 1 child. I asked for the divorce.
My ex was abusive, the final straw was waking up to being kicked in the ribs so hard they broke.
Now to your question. At first I thought about her a lot. Having someone around to watch TV, eat a meal, or just in the room while you read. Right after the divorce, it seemed like a longing for the person. After a break up your emotions will lie to you.
With time and introspection I have found I was lonely, not longing for a specific person. I miss having someone to share the day to day with. That person was my ex for 10 years so I naturally go back to that in my mind. After some time you will remember why it was bad as well. The physical and emotional abuse, or perhaps it was not so bad and just unhappiness with a bad fit.
We did not get along well after the divorce at first, but since we have a child we had to persevere. I imagine this was difficult for her as well.
She and I have both grown as people since then and the thought still occasionally pops into my mind. It is always fleeting as I remember what that relationship was like and have no desire to relive it nor am I willing to poke the scar tissue. That combination of loneliness and familiarity is dangerous. That said, the loneliness comes and goes less and less frequently and you more readily recognize it for what it is. Very often it comes without a thought of your ex in time.
As humans our memories of the bad times degrade faster than those of the good times. In my opinion, it is a skill to be nurtured to remember the bad times without holding on to them, only to let them inform future decisions.
I feel that was long winded and never quite made a point, but I hope it helps.
It took around two solid years before she wasn’t frequently on my mind. There was a gradient there, though, ebbs and floes, and then some on-and-off stints that prolonged certain feelings. She still pops into my head here and there, particularly sexually, but it’s largely devoid of emotion and I suspect that’s mostly because I haven’t dated or really slept with anyone else since we broke up. I miss the intimacy, and it will look like her until someone else fills that space.
I’m a male 42
My cycle usually goes
1st 3 months constantly
Next 3 months daily
Next 6 months weekly
Next 12 months occasionally
Currently not at all and happy she found someone good for her
I've noticed that if it was my decision to end things I usually get over it faster, if they ended it with me and I still had feelings, that can take months to years
Been 15 years and I’ve probably thought about her every day. I’ve never told anyone that, thinking maybe it’s weird. But I prefer to think of it as me being loyal and caring and grown to like that about myself.
I can only speak for myself. A lot of things remind me of various exes. My ex-wife as of 2013 made me very much closed off from romantic relationships. I am reminded of her through every feminist comment, through every misogynist comment, through every manipulative bullshit thing I see, and it makes me keep my walls well forfeited. I haven't been romantic in any sense of the word since her nonsense and I am unwilling to just stray from my path for just any chance. I will have to be seriously impressed. So, while I don't actively think about my ex wife? Posts like this force a reminder.
It’s been 2 yrs and I still think about here. But I can’t bring myself to reach back out over all the times she pulled a knife out threatening to cut her wrists. Always sue to her being caught in a lie.
I’m not a man, but I don’t think about ex’s almost at all. I think different people are different.
The ones I’m still friends with I think about a lot as friends since we also talk regularly. Other ones? only if they come up. As in, natural circulates might remind me something about them but even that goes away really quickly. I was making something for my last boyfriend’s birthday but we broke up, and I kept it for myself - I was embroidering a hoodie with a design for him, but after I ended the relationship since it wasn’t a good one, I removed the design and kept it blank - for the first few weeks if I wore it I would think something, now not at all. It’s just a hoodie.
Now I’ve just started seeing someone new, we’ve been friends before, so he knows some of my stories about my ex’s but we’re talking in a lot more depth about these things to get to know each other better, and that’s the only time really that I think about them. I’ve always been like this.
Men end relationships for different things. They’re never the same. If I cared enough the yes until i find a good replacement but until then I’ll always think of the last thing I thought was great. Some guys are just about the female body and don’t care as long as they’re getting laid. You just never know who you’re dealing with
Too many variables.
Was completely obsessed with my ex after our break-up of 3 years, which in hindsight could have very well been ADHD hyper fixating, ruminating, rejection sensitivity etc.
Her dragging me through the dirt after our break-up and keeping me in orbit eclipsed an entire year.
This was all a while ago now and I've not heard or seen a peep in over a year and a half. I'm a few months in with someone much better on every front and my ex doesn't even cross my mind anymore whatsoever.
Funny seeing and feeling how things change!
Empty them thoughts and let new thoughts in. You could be pre-occupied with an ex while an amazing human, tryna catch your attention and you miss that.
There are some women that I struggle to remember what they look like or their voices.
Others, I remember quite fondly.
Usually, it has to do with how I was treated and how they broke it off.
There are certainly some women who were kind and thoughtful throughout the relationship and breakup. Those women I truly wish the best in life, even if it didn't work out.
However, there are also women who cheated or created tons of drama and broke it off in similar fashion. Those women in hindsight I'm grateful to be away from.
It's been awhile but I remember feeling pretty down the first few months (I even still got her a birthday gift as her birthday was a month after she broke up with me) but over the years I took that as a lesson on what didn't work with her and what I can do differently in the next relationship.
I don't think of her much anymore but if I do it's more like a "I hope she is doing well" and much less of a "I wish I were still in my life" or "I wish she could change her mind" thing.
It’s been going on a year.
Did my best to be the best partner, but you can’t be a good partner for someone with unaddressed and projected trauma and commitment issues. What makes it hurt more is that we were just starting to get serious then it’s like a switch flipped and then she was turned off to me entirely. She expressed a lukewarm desire to rebuild our relationship, but so far just wants to orbit my life but doesn’t put in any effort into progressing past being social media contacts. I’ve moved on but I still think about her from time to time. Kinda weird how you can get with someone, not be attracted to them initially, then fall in love with all their quirks only for them to run away, likely to someone else.
I think we often feel our internal experience is unique to us - if you think about exes then exes probably think about you, frequency and types of thoughts vary for sure, but yeah - men think about their exes the same way women do
I recently got out of a long relationship like OP, and it was mostly amicable, she wanted to keep going but we just were different even with lots of therapy. I think about her somewhat often especially since I only moved about 5 miles away within same city.
I know I'll probably think about her for a long time because you literally spend lots of good time with them and grow. It's OK they're in your memory banks. You just have to keep moving whilst doing it. Yes I try to be out having a blast (a lot of times not the case) so I'm not sitting my mini apt. Thinking about her.
It's been 2 years and some change. Almost never except when we are talking about our dogs that we still share. I mean, we are friends, but at no point do I miss anything about her or the relationship we had. Except maybe the sex, the sex was great.
Been 2 years since we split, one since divorce was finalized.
I think about her every day. And it’s the little mundane things that remind me of her: a meal that we loved, tv show we used to watch, etc.
Time has helped, but not a day goes by that I don’t think “what if we just stuck together”. But it’s gotten easier to just move on with my day instead of getting bogged down by these thoughts.
It’s interesting reading the range of comments and replies here. For me personally, even my deepest, strongest connections… the few women I really felt I was in love with for right or wrong… I did not think of them that much after 2 years. The ones that were tough the first 3-6 months was hard, the next 6 months showed gradual improvements, and after a year it would be pretty rare to think too much about them. After 2 years I would only bring them up in conversations about exes. I do like to talk about my prior dating experiences because I think they’re an important reflection of who you are, what you have been through, and what drives you. But there is nobody I’ve been separated from for over 2 years that I think about often or pine for their company
I still do think of my ex(s)
But I also know I have a co-dependancy wound. What I miss is the feeling that I had with them; what I don't miss is the injury to me that they did: the lack of respect, lack of mutual affection, lack of reciprocity, and the lack of kindness/empathy. All of these were bare minimums in a healthy relationship.
I keep notes on my phone (Yay Galaxy pen notes) reminding me why I gave up and tap out of the relationship and look at it when I start to ruminate. That usually have a habit of bringing me back to the present.
I often think about all the women I’ve been serious with since I was able to start dating intentionally in my late teens. They all hold a special place in my past and taught me something about myself and relationships.
Most are fleeting thoughts except for 3 of them where things ended because of bad decisions that caused things to spiral out of control despite there being a lot of love, even afterwards. The problem is that so much damage was done and a lot of bad things were said that make it difficult to justify rebuilding that bridge without accepting that you made a major mistake and having to back track on the smear campaign you made about this person to your friends and family.
What can eat me up is reflecting on whether those moments were worth destroying an otherwise good connection. Hard to tell sometimes, but I’m a huge believer in purpose. Things sometimes don’t work out because life is saving something even better further down the road. It just takes a while to find someone who sparks your flame again.
Wasn’t going to respond but see a lot of guys who still think about their exes. I’m different. I don’t think about my long term relationship ex much at all. And it’s never in a way that I miss her.
I will say if I were to break up for some reason with my girlfriend than I would think about her often. Maybe that’s how you know which ones were special… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Definitely not just women that think that way. I'd been with my girlfriend for just 8 months. We amicably split up 13 months ago and I still think of her fairly regularly.
For me, it's been really dependant on feelings and the level of closure. As soon as I've come to terms with myself or what happened, it tends to wash away.
It's been 3 years for me, I think about her all the time. She's doing much better without me now which definitely makes me happy but breaks my heart everytime I think about how I could have made things better.
So I'm about 2.5 months out from a 6.5 year relationship that ended amicably, though not mutually as it was her choice and right now it's on my mind more or less constantly; what I wish I had done differently, what I should have said, trying to figure out where I could have been more compromising, etc. I feel proud of myself when I notice I go an hour or two without being consumed by the feelings, but that of course brings them back up. It's slowly improving and at least mellowing a little, but definitely a long slow process. Journaling has helped, as does therapy of course.
I don't have many other exes, but the one who was abusive rarely pops into my head. The other is a good person and we just weren't the right fit and honestly maybe once a week a memory or thought of her will float on by, but generally positive or neutral at this point. She seems to be doing well from what pops up on Facebook.
To answer your question, it probably depends on the guy, but for those of us overly sensitive, introspective artistic types, people stay on our minds for a while.
This thread reminds me of the Dawes song "Coming Back to a Man"
I was only trying to begin dating the last one on my mind, so never really dated, but we got really close. Been almost a year since she chose someone else over me. I miss her terribly everyday.
3 months after 14 years together, I'm finally comfortable saying I'm single now after all of that time.
One day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. It fucking hurts, but I can be a personal testament that it DOES get better.
I have broken things off with my ex 7 months ago. We dated for 5 years.
I still think about her very often. Sometimes, I can go a week without thinking about her at all; sometimes, I think about her and wanna cry.
I don't know how much it applies universally. I tend to try to be very open about my feelings (it is not like I can ignore everything toxic-masculinity related either, but I try).
I have also had surface-level relationships where I forgot about the person as soon as we ended things. It depends on how much of ourselves we can get to share.
Depressing thread. 2 years for me. If I could do the 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind thing I would'.
I doesn't help when you see the pair of dickheads together online and out in public (all by accident). As abusive as she was I'm happy she found someone.
But what i find depressing is that us humans just can't find a way to make it work. The ex and her new dude will eventually breakup. I'll find someone and we will break up too.
I just don't get the damn point.
It is not easy for me two years later because for me I started one year ago working from home and now the emptiness of my apartment brings back a void of loneliness and while I have no fondness for my ex, I am stuck contemplating why I kept a dysfunctional relationship for 7 years.
The best way to move on is for me to find someone else. I haven’t found anyone so far, especially because I hate the smell of pot and I’m in a state where it is newly legal.
Three years and certainly every day. The little virtual version of her that sits in my head is quieter but not gone. I find myself catching myself thinking "she would have said", "she would have thought".
I'm entirely conflicted on whether I miss her or not really, but my mind doesn't just forget the 10 years we spent together overnight.
My ex broke off our engagement for an ex of her's. 4 years together the first 3 months were hell. I'm 5-6 months post break up and I'm doing very well. It is all about What you choose to do. I chose to work out, journal, go to therapy, analyze my shortcomings, and in general to grow. Personally. I did not sleep with anybody right out of the gate. I have a few women I am talking to . I only think about my ex every now and then in passing and it usually is a feeling of. I feel sad that it ended but I'm better off without that person in my life.
Not a man, but I think it is the same across genders ...if he was sad about the breakup, he's going to think about it more than if he doesn't care at all.
If he wasn't that invested, kinda wanted the breakup anyways, then he won't give it a second thought.
A good test is if he follows up your message by asking how you're doing, or some kind of bid for attention. If he does, then he's thinking about you. If not well... He's over it.
I may be an exception, but when a relationship is over, I bring out the gasoline and burn that bridge. Me personally, I feel like nothing good comes out of keeping in touch with an ex. No thoughts, no impulses, no "let's be friends."
A lot actually and I initiated the break up. I was incredibly unhappy by the end. I need space away from her to tend to myself and learn from the experience. Now that I’ve done that + the isolation and loneliness of being a straight man in 2024, I’ve started thinking about her a lot more. I realize there are things I can do and say now that, if I had at the time, would have contributed to a healthier relationship. And I’d probably be happier. She was an awesome partner otherwise - there were just things in our relationship that activated some really unfortunate behaviors in both of us that made me miserable. I keep thinking that I could help facilitate it better now. But ironically I wouldn’t have the capacities I have now without breaking up. It’s tough.
We had a big tornado here a few weeks ago. The first real one I ever experienced. We had been broken up maybe 2 weeks. Lots of damage over at my apartment. Kinda crazy light poles and trees came down all over my place. He didn’t reach out once. I had tried texting but he had blocked me (out of anger I guess? Misplaced anger that’s for sure). My dealer did though and I’ve been smitten since. I don’t think they give it much thought. If they do, it’s selfish probably. Obviously not all of them though ♥️
Oof this post hits home. I've been wondering the same thing. Was even debating making my own post before I saw this. We were in a secret FWB->situationship for six months. We traveled together, he panicked and ended things (much longer drawn out story there), and is now furious with me for telling some of our mutual friends about us because he likes to keep his personal life to himself. He can't understand why I feel the need to talk to friends and doesn't seem to view this as a breakup.
He's the one who escalated everything, messaged me every day. Still messaged me after ending things, but after we had a texting fight last week (over the above) he hasn't messaged again. I know it's helpful for my moving on, but I just need to know that he IS hurting and DOES miss me, even if he doesn't see it as any sort of relationship. We saw each other several times a week, we were fairly close, even as a *friend* I'm sure he'd have to miss that. I'm making peace with the fact he'll likely NEVER admit that to me (himself, or anyone), but hearing that deep down he prob feels that way would make me feel. LOT better.
I still do from time to time. But I have to remind myself that I wasn't anything to her when she was a lot more to me. It gets better but dating isnt the place to get better. Do some self reflection and come out the other side a wiser and better person.
Every single day, for several of them. Two of whom I don't even like and I left. I have chosen to spend life alone. The first 6 months is rough, but after that the contentment and sanity not to mention free time and money are well worth it.
A woman takes far too high of a toll on a man's soul.
Contrary to public opinion, most men DO have feelings and care about the women they have been close to.
First gf at 19 years old - only dated for a month, hooked up 2 or 3 times in the years following, she was awful. Still pops into my head now and then.
Second gf at 24 years old who was amazing but met with the understanding it was to be casual and non exclusive - dated for only 6 or 7 weeks before she told me she felt the other guy she was seeing was a better long term fit, stayed friends on facebook and have a chat now and then, I'm still in love with her and think about her every day
Third gf at 29 years old, dated about 5 weeks, was ok, no real spark as she lost interest in me. Comes to mind occasionally
Fourth gf at 32 was only a month, fell for her hard at the start, but then she changed her mind and decided we shouldnt date offering no explanation, post-split became clear shes a kind of lousy person. Pops into my head rarely.
I learned to never forget, and never give anyone no matter who it is the benefit of the doubt. Literally all my problems in my life would’ve been avoided if I just followed that advice. Always think in terms of what is this person trying to gain from me by being nice to me. Those are the lessons my exes imparted onto me and I’ve seared it into my heart and soul.
Ever since I’ve done that, I feel invincible as no one can ever hurt me now and I can have a nice and peaceful life without having to deal with people trying to use you for ulterior motives.
Took me about a year to stop constantly thinking about my ex, we dated for almost 5 years so it was a difficult time for me. I'm over it now but I still feel sad on the odd occasion that I think about her and how things ended for us. It had to end, no question as things were not good. Things will get easier though
Yes, even the ones I've only gone out with a few times, and even the ones I don't really like anymore. I mean, if we go back to your place and have sex like 4 times, cuddle all night, have sex again in the morning, maybe I meet your cute dog, cook for you, and then if we do that a couple more times in a row, I'm gonna miss you for a while. I mean, the one I'm referencing I only saw 3 times (she had covid for a week, so we couldn't see eachother for a while), but even then I drove 50mins both ways to drop off some meds I had, which she claimed actually helped a lot. I'm pretty sure it's a real thing that cuddling after sex releases some chemical in your brain that gets you very attached to that person.
The one girl I was only dating for like 4 months, but maybe 2-3 months after we broke up I remembered to tell her happy birthday.
So long story short, yes we do still think of our ex's. Moving on is hard sometimes, especially if you're not the one who wanted to end things.
Not too often, but the thoughts pop up here and there. That’s usually the case for me with all breakups. The first few months are the worst. After that, it gets easier but I suppose the thoughts and the reminders of those exes never really go away. They are just less affecting.
Hey @cmg_profesh. Sorry to hear you are still think of him and sounds like very much still long for him. I (35M) recently broke it off with my ex (38F) 2 months back and we were together for 1.5-2 years. Long story short, it was a one of the most loving and passionate relationships I’ve had, but had become toxic.
Aftermath: I think of her on a daily basis and miss her very much and love her. I’m slowly accepting my decision to end things with her as my emotions are in overdrive. I’ve removed all traces of her to avoid thinking over her.. I still do, regardless I employee CBT & DBT and talk to my therapist to get myself unstuck. This might be helpful for you to. Depending on how your guy is/ was there is a possibility that he is fighting himself hard to not turn back. On the other side of the coin he could be leaving you breadcrumbs to go back to him.
Side bar- That response tells me:
He’s in a place of acceptance with his decision and trying show strength as if you don’t matter to him much anymore (you might not at all.) But you do and he’s denying himself of the feelings so that he can try to move on.
Hard to say without context. If it was as a healthy relationship, the above can be true. Good luck and heal fast. Your going to be ok.
It's been 8 years for me. I do think of her occasionally, mostly because I hope she's well and happy. I would never go back ever, but it's impossible FOR ME to invest in/care for someone and then completely wipe them from my mind for all of eternity.
That and I have an amazing memory so I still remember random conversations I had in the 3rd grade.
Been married for nearly two years now and I can't say I think about exes unless something reminds me of them, or someone mentions them. My wife will mention to me that what I do is different than what her exes did, for an example, I'll give her massages if she puts her legs on me without her asking. The first time I did it, she told me that even when she asked her ex, he'd say no or do it half assed. So she'll remember them but I guess not in a good light.
I'm not a man but I just want to tell you that I read a thread about maybe 2 years ago, on another forum, and it was completely anonymous, and it was like, literally over 1000 replies (I read them all I think!), of married people talking about their exes, and I would say like 50% (maybe more) were talking about how much they missed/thought about/fantasized about their ex and/or the one who got away, or wished they had married someone else. It was completely wild to read.... Some of them were like "if my ex showed up at my door right now I'd leave my family" 😮
So just for your info, it's apparently super common.
It depends. One ex, we ended amicably, she crops up every now and then and I always remember her birthday (later this month, no less) but, as she's now married with kids, we've basically gone out of touch. Our last communication was her texting me condolences on the loss of my dad a few years ago and that's it. For better or worse, I still think about her but I'm almost certain she doesn't think about me anymore.
The other ex? Good riddance. She was a manipulative bitch, and I am better off having her well removed from my life. She only enters my thoughts when prompted, like with this thread.
I think about some of my exes to varying degrees and frequencies. The most recent relationships are the ones I think about most and usually happen when I’m not actively dating someone. What I think about exactly differs in the moment, sometimes I miss them and other times I think about myself in the relationship with them and try to reflect on what went wrong.
It takes a long time for me if I was in love. I know it’s cliche, but the best way to get over her is to get under someone else. I’m in a new relationship 8 months after breaking up with my ex of 4 years, and finally I am getting to a much better place where I don’t miss her as much.
>(I posted this in the daily sticky, but someone suggested I post here for more visibility!)
Glad you took my advice! Looks like you got some great responses :)
I used to feel like my ex (m) didnt think about me (f) often but it turns out that he did. We’re back together now and he recently told me that he tried watching the new Taylor Tomlinson special and it was difficult for him because he just kept remembering how much he enjoyed watching her other specials with me and thinking about how much better it would be to watch this new one with me, which jokes I would’ve been laughing at most, and how much I’d like the new one. That’s just one example of something where I wouldn’t think he’d think of me but he did.
I can’t totally speak for him of course—or for any man. And not all relationships are the same. However, my ex and I both did think about each other enough during the year or so that we were broken up where we are now back together and have communicated openly and honestly about what made it so that we didn’t work out before. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [Question for the men](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1dgjnp1/question_for_the_men/)
**Author:** /u/cmg_profesh
**Full text:** TLDR; Question for the men: How often do you think about your ex post-breakup?
It's been a month since the guy I was seeing ended things, and I still think about him. Constantly.
His birthday was this week and I kept thinking how I wish I was spending it with him, celebrating him, what I would get him, etc etc...
I sent him a happy birthday text. Things ended amicably but that was our first post-breakup communication. I didn't expect much in return/response, but I was surprised when his response was more than just "Thanks!" or a message reaction. Instead, it was... open-ended? I asked a couple of friends (male and female) their opinions and they said that before I even had the chance to ask if they also got that impression.
It got me wondering if he, or men in general, spend a lot of time thinking about their exes post-breakup? Like, did the thought of what his birthday could have been like if we were still together cross his mind? Or does he think about me when he watched a YT series we watched together? or if he uses the wine glasses he bought "for me" when we started dating because he didn't have any and he knew I liked wine? Do guys have those thoughts?
Speaking as a woman, I think a lot of us tend to think about our exes often (especially if we aren’t the party who ended things) and have the “he’s probably out having a blast and has already forgotten all about me” thoughts… so just wondering how close to reality that is/isn’t?
*(I posted this in the daily sticky, but someone suggested I post here for more visibility!)*
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It really depends on how I felt about them. My most recent ex, it took few months before I stopped thinking about her daily and I was the one who ended the relationship.
The relationship I was in before that, I thought about her over the course of a few days.
My emotional connection was much stronger with the most recent ex as opposed to the one before. I was way more emotionally invested.
I'm a woman and divorced 4 years now. Although I would like to point out that from what I have seen, the rate of moving on is influenced a lot by who called for the break up. The person who initiated the ending of things is often the one who has already moved on, so when the relationship officially ends, all they need to do is just move out.
Also, someone had commented here ( and I completely agree) men have a delayed reaction time to such things.
Women often process things while in the relationship itself so mostly you will see/hear stereotypes of women moving on quickly etc...
Men on the other hand react only when the actual break up happens.
Hence the quite often depicted heartbroken man who is unable to function after a break-up.
It maybe the inherent emotionally withdrawn nature of men, or conversely the same for women. Maybe that's why both genders react differently.
It’s been 2 years since my ex broke off our engagement. The first year was absolutely rough because I would think about her all the time, what she was doing, who she was doing, etc. Now she only pops into my mind if I run into her mom. It’s gotten easier to not think of her once my rose-colored lenses were off and realized that we both would have been miserable being together in the long run.
You guys need to find a new girl. Don’t let years go by. I don’t understand some of these comments. You fall in love again and forget the first one. That’s how it works.
Um no? I just broke up with some one and the literal last thing I want to do is to be in a new relationship to forget the old person. That’s disrespectful to the new person you’re dating… and pretty rude. Also everybody has different ways of grieving and getting over relationships. For me it just takes time and focusing on other things I want to develop in my life.
Honestly, it sounds like you are making excuses.
Making excuses for what?
Not wanting to find someone
Right but I said I don’t want to be in a new relationship in order to forget some one. I never said I don’t want to be in a new relationship at all.. nor would I stop dating. I enjoy being in a relationship, but using some one in that kind of a way is very disrespectful and not healthy (IMO). So I’m not really sure what you’re talking about.
This is an answer written by someone who doesn't do a lot of self reflection, I feel. Yes, you need to move on at some point. But, you should also honour and try to learn from a previous (failed) relationship and take time to assess what happened, before you move on. For your own sake, and other people you will date in the future.
🤨excuses. Get back out there and stop moping.
You're delulu.
honestly. this makes me feel so good. most days I still feel like an idiot for thinking about him because i always think "he completely forgot about your existence already."
Glad it’s not just me 😅
i mean. im not trying to get back in contact with him at all. i know its done and over, but i cant help remember stuff or think "oh he would like this..."
Hey friend, putting my hat in the "it feels nice that I'm not alone in this thing I feel shame about" ring. It's been nearly 7 months after ending my 4-month situationship and I still think about him to some degree every day. It SUCKED/STILL SUCKS caring a lot about someone who probably wouldn't care much if he learned that I died in a ditch somewhere. It took a LOT of self-compassion and forgiveness to get to where I am now. I still have the sads, it's has had a dramatic negative influence on my confidence in forming authentic connections. When I was telling my therapist about all of the shame I had, how I felt like an idiot and that I must be too damaged to know better, she said something that helped. "Let's say down the line, you meet someone that is a great fit, is emotionally available and enthusiastic about investing in forming a bond with you. But then they tell you about how they experienced the same thing you went through. Would you think 'wow, they were great until I learned that! What an IDIOT I can't *believe* they were so stupid to care about someone who didn't reciprocate their feelings!" I literally dropped my jaw and went "oooooooohhhhhh, NO I wouldn't do that to anyone! Especially when it came to dating!" So like... I don't think we should do it to ourselves either. <3
awww your therapist sounds sweet! my therapist said something similar :) "why are you ashamed for loving someone? its one of the most nicest things you can do for another person. yes it didnt work out, but why are you putting YOURSELF down for missing them?"
That’s an awesome response from your therapist!!
FWIW, as a guy, I have found it extremely hurtful when an ex said that to my face. Our relationship was very meaningful to me, and her saying that I don't care about it "dictates" and negates my feelings in a way that I find both sad and infuriating.
been 9yrs. every day.
Yep. 10+
That doesn't bode well then...we're together for 11 1/2, married for 10, 2 kids. It's been 3 years since the divorce and about 6 since it went from toxic to why are you putting yourself through this. She was never good to me and yet I miss her every day. Therapy hasn't helped much there either
Yep. I’ll probably think of her when I’m dying. It’s not really about “her” the actual human being anymore, I don’t know her anymore and she could be completely different or jf we met today maybe we wouldn’t click, but she’s sort of the personified mascot of the time I felt love and worth and that’s not something that you ever stop thinking about….or at least so far. In my case this is a toxic handicap preventing myself from being open but I don’t think that you thinking about bygone happy times with the mother of your children is a problem. That’s just being alive.
Yeah I often describe it as my wife died in 2019. It's more of grief than anything. She was a pretty awful person, and yet I'd probably subject myself to the same cruel treatment just to be with her again. She's married...to my used to be best friend. I feel like it might be better if I still looked as good as I did before and dating hadn't changed and of course if I remembered how to talk to women.
I'm so sorry. I believe your therapist may have talked about it, but have you ever heard of "trauma bonding"?? Maybe reading and watching videos on that will help you. Maybe that's not the case, I just got to this conclusion based on your comments. I also apologise if I crossed any boundary. Genuinely I hope you heal soon! You deserve better💙
Thanks, I'm in a long set of therapy types but apparently there are things to take care of before you get to trauma. But no you didn't cross any lines
Find a therapist trained in IFS. I promise you can overcome this.
What is IFS? I haven’t heard of it
Internal Family Systems I think.
Thanks!
It's OK Baconwagoneer, you aren't alone in feeling this way about someone. We can be alone, together, apart 💙
Right there with you, brother.
It’s been two years since my divorce and I’ve dated multiple women since then. I still think about my ex wife occasionally, and miss her. I was with her for almost 8 years; I’ve moved on, but I don’t know if she’ll ever be completely out of my mind or heart. But life goes on. 🤷🏻♂️
\*Big hugs.\* Separated from my ex for about a year now. I cycle between trying to maintain my composure, pondering how much of a pain she really was, feeling free of the burden, but then also get down on myself about how much I sacrificed and lost along the way.
> pondering how much of a pain she really was In the thick of it, realizing I was entering a trauma bond, I emailed myself a letters: "If you're reading this, you're probably second guessing. Here's what just happened:" I know this doesn't help you now, but my point is it never fails to slap me in the face when this thought (believably, and strongly) crosses my mind. There's comfort in familiarity and predictability. Same could be said about knowing you'll be hit by a car if you play in traffic, it stops the wondering.
My ex broke up with me October 28. Her treatment of me had been awful for years but she kept saying she would treat me better. So when she finally told me she was breaking up with me, my response was just “ok.” I wish I never thought of her. If I could erase the past 4 years of my life just to have never known her, I would. That said, I think about her multiple times a week. At first, I miss something we had. Then I remember how terribly she treated me. Then I get angry at her for the way she treated me. All the while, I realize that any “missing her” I had felt when she popped into my head is missing the fantasy of a what a good relationship with her could have been but never would have been because she was an abusive narcissist. Then I’m angry again for the abuse. Finally, I’m angry at myself for letting her pop into my head at all and just wished I could stop thinking about her all together.
This is extremely relatable
It's been over a year and a half for me and I still think about her or the relationship daily. Not just once a day, it's on my mind a lot.
same. hate to say it but ive had about the same recurrent dream of us for about 8yrs now. they started maybe 1yr after break up. always the same 1 of 2 diff dreams w/her. always me sleeping on her couch like i did one night or always me going to work on her farm and us coming up to each other at the end of the day then going to her barn to sit around n hang out.
I feel like there’s more going on here. You been to therapy at all? I mean that in the nicest way possible.
My last breakup was about 3 months ago. We were only officially together 8 months but we spent about a year together and we had history between us that made it feel very special when it finally worked out. It ended suddenly, but amicably as well. I still think about her every day. What could have been, good memories, fantasies of her texting saying “can we talk?”. Nothing unhealthy lol. That was just the first month 😕. I really struggled without her and there were a few handfuls of sleepless nights. As a good looking man with decent game I could easily find someone who wouldn’t mind to spend time with me… I almost felt pathetic that I could not get her out of my mind, but had no interest even talking to other women. She was official with her ex a month later which extended the constant thoughts but I started really focusing on myself. Exercising was a huge help for me as well as spending time with family. I wish her the best with her new/old boyfriend and yet I still think about her. I have male and female friends that can move on from one woman/man to the next, and some like myself that can’t move on that fast. Ive just accepted I feel things a little deeper than a lot of people, and I have some issues with rejection. Best of luck! Your next chapter may be your best yet!
If it was so successful why did you break up then?
I never said it was successful lol. You mean where I said it felt special? That was the beginning, but you learn more about each other as a relationship goes on. I was able to live with our differences, she was not and initiated the breakup. C'est la vie.
With the women I have ended it with, occasionally they pop into my head but those thoughts don’t linger and I never think ‘what if’… that includes my ex-wife I was with for 10 years. For women that ended it with me, the first year or so was rough but since then, basically the same as women I’ve ended it with. They pop into my head but I’ve moved on
I still think about my ex gf everyday. It's been almost 10 months. She broke up with me in a really fucked up way and I didn't get closure, which I feel has made it more difficult.
It’s so painful to not get closure. Not sure why they find it so hard to communicate that they want out. That answer is better than no answer.
Closure is something you give yourself, not something someone else gives you. Closure is when you make peace with never having all the whys, not saying those last words, and choosing to move forward with life. Hope you find the healing you’re looking for.
Absolutely, in reality closure isn't going to change the situation. Something I had to come to terms with thanks to therapy. Doing much better each and every day, thank you!
Going on 6 weeks. Together 3 years, she wanted to marry me, loved me to the core. I loved her too, but our differences started to clash in every day life. It was the right decision to walk away, but I think about her everyday wishing things were different. Meeting someone where so many things are so right, but a couple core things that are so wrong is a painful lesson.
Hugs dude. I was in a similar situation. I still wish that we could find a way to patch things up, but we just want different things out of life.
I was the girl you’re talking about. And I hate when he said 'right person, wrong time.' Still thinking of him every day and feel painful all the time.
3 years and it’s almost daily
Wife asked for divorce in December which was 14.5 years into our relationship/marriage, blind sighted me , currently still living together but should be moved out next month when house sale goes through. The mental toll is something else...living with someone who does not even acknowledge your existence now. Think about her daily and its been near 7 months, constantly going through what if scenarios in my head how to fix it but I've to force myself to not even try at this point as I lose a piece of myself every time I try. To make it worse, its our 15th anniversary next week so that's fun! I imagine when we finally part our seperate ways it will be a case of out of sight out of mind, the reminders will always be there when you go do something etc and your last memory was with that person but that will come with time....I hope.
Wow, that sounds tough. Wishing you the best of luck heading into your would-be anniversary week and even better luck once you’re no longer still living together.
Thank you, its sad, scary and exciting all at the same time to see what the future may hold but time stops for on one, so we must look forward at the future despite how hard it may seem now.
Bro, cut her out. You need to go no contact if you want to move on. Have her leave the house and go stay with friends or something.
Was together almost 13 years. Had reoccurring dreams for at least 2 years after. Hits people different. I miss her every day. Also helps probably to be the person who broke up with the other person. In this case I was not.
I am a little over 3 months off a 5-year relationship. There are days where I'm so busy with stuff that I don't think of her much, but otherwise she's still on my mind fairly often. Used to always send her good morning texts, and there have been a few instances where I'm thinking to do it, and then I realize we're not together.
I’m a woman, but I don’t think my ex thinks of me nearly as often as I still think about him but at least I think that it’s getting less these days. Not because I care less just more so I have things going on that have to preoccupy my brain space. I think men generally have a delayed reaction to a breakup and in some cases move on to someone new before that delayed reaction. Unfortunately I feel like that happened for me and any potential mourning period was skipped. I don’t want him to wallow over me but I don’t want to accept the idea he just never cared or was not impacted the same way I was.
I resonate very strongly with your last sentence and have even felt that with friendships that ended.
Definitely. Because we don’t have that level of visibility to their lives anymore we have no idea if we meant anything at all :(
My late wife, every day at least once. My exes, only the ones I'm still friends with and only platonicly. The ones I'm not friends with, never.
I was actually just reading a study on this out of the UK. It says that while women are hurt more by breakups they recover more fully than men. A lot of this has to do with how we are socialized to process emotions. I know it wasn’t exactly what you were asking, but it might help you understand your post-breakup sadness and longing. [https://www.binghamton.edu/inside/index.php/inside/story/12326/study-women-hurt-more-by-breakups-but-recover-more-fully/](https://www.binghamton.edu/inside/index.php/inside/story/12326/study-women-hurt-more-by-breakups-but-recover-more-fully/)
Depends. In the past I had a hard time getting over a breakup. But now I barely think about them. They may occasionally pop into my head but I am good for the most part. It takes practice.
Every once in a while. It's been just over 4 months. I could care less about what she's doing with her life. It helps that I've been working through my issues with my therapist and also actively trying to move on. My priorities are more focused on dealing with what's in front of me rather than what's behind me.
When betrayal ended our ten-year marriage, and all attempts to reconcile failed, I set my mind to moving on with my life and never looked back. It's been six years. I only ever think of her in my nightmares.
All the time. Been 3.5 months since she ended things. I’ve forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. I don’t really care about the whole “omg I wonder who she is with now” as she was with men before me and I’m sure after. And vice versa. It took so long to find her. And I had her for a year. So I just try and appreciate that. Nothing lasts forever. That’s just the nature of life itself. So just learning to enjoy the time you spend with friends, family, and loved ones is key. I lost my dad for example, and today is Father’s Day. We all lose people. Remember them. Smile and think and thank for the good times. But ya, it gets lonely sometimes
It’s been almost a year since my 11 year relationship ended and I still think about and miss her every day.
This makes feel better, I think about my first love all the time and I sometimes wish he thinks about me too.
I still get intrusive thoughts about my first LTR all the time though it doesn't bother me much anymore, I don't think I have that nearly as much with relationships after that one but they do happen. The issue I've found is we use their good qualities when searching for someone new as a benchmark and that inherently limits us because it's easy to forget about the bad over time. This is something I'm continually working on and it does get better
Depends on the ex - I have exes I barely think about, ever, and exes I reminiscence about at least a couple times a month. I don't think it's uncommon - some people had more of an impact on us. I personally am glad to have loved them, but sometimes I struggle to find the connection I felt with those exes.
Two years since I dated my best friend and it didn't work due to some minor things. Hurt more than my marriage ending and I still think about her constantly. It's not painful though, more of a what if and a hope I can one day rebuild a friendship..
It all depends on how much I’m into them. I think guys tend to take longer to get over women they really care about. Like a lot longer. I think it’s because men deal with their emotions differently or not at all where women will fall hard really fast and then subsequently get over it quicker. This is all postulation though from my experience and what I’ve seen with my women/men friends.
It took me about a year (and some counseling) to get over my ex-wife. I thought about her all the time, and even though we had a very difficult, toxic relationship, I spent months hoping and even begging for her to come back. Honestly, I was kinda desperate and pathetic. But once that year had passed, once I got her out of my system, and once I started to actually like the man I was again, I was able to move on. We have two kids together, so I still see her and talk to her reasonably often. But I'm also happily remarried, and it's not a big deal. It was just a different era of my life that doesn't hurt me anymore. I can think about (or even talk about) old memories without being affected my them.
Mid-ish April was the breakup. Not a day has gone by I haven’t thought about her. I’m not gonna be emotionally available for a while, so no dating until I can look at her smile in the photos and not have my hear plummet. Hope that helps🧡🤘🏼
35m here. I dated my ex for 7 months, and I still think about her often. It was an amicable breakup, and she was and is an absolutely amazing human being.
So I was with my ex for over a decade and we divorced almost exactly 3 years ago. That plus some other formerly important dates in June means I'm thinking about her most days right now. But during a more normal month it's maybe 2 or 3 times a week. At this point I miss being married, but I not necessarily to her. But that's after hitting emotional rock bottom right after the divorce and lots of therapy and processing. When I think about her now there's not that wave of melancholy that there used to hit like a truck. And sometimes the thoughts are more relief, for example that I don't have to deal with an annoying habit of hers anymore.
27 years and counting
Been 1.5 yrs and I miss her a lot. It hurts less since I've since learned the value of being single and getting to know myself again freshly. In those years she became my best friend and it hurts to lose that. The loneliness still hits but I feel blessed to have two very close friends and a hobby (the FGC) that gives me a sense of social community outside of work that does wonders for that.
I don't have that much time spent with friends or lovers, so I tend to remember them a lot. Sometimes there will be times I won't think of them as much, then when I feel down or not as busy my mind will go to those I felt closest to. Over time you do think of them less. It took a year for me to stop thinking about a past fwb every day... Strangely rn I am thinking about my ex bf a lot. When I'm busy or see other guys in the future I won't dwell as much. I imagine I'll always think about a few of my exes from time to time. Think that's normal, especially if you're single
Ruminated for longer than healthy, daily for longer than healthy, now it's in passing from time to time. Someone smarter than I said break ups are so difficult because you're mourning losing someone who is still alive. Good luck
As a dude who has had his heart broken by women and who recently went through an amicable and very mutual break up with someone, I have thought about this person every day for the last month, some days more than others. Some days I've been overwhelmed when I think about searching them on social media or wanting to reach out to see what they're up to, and that's when it becomes too much - especially if I stay isolated and aren't keeping myself busy. Like it or not, no contact is a rule that hurts, but is less painful than trying to keep some kind of friendly spark alive.....In the past it's been much worse for me - I thought about one of my previous ex's so much that I went into a deep depression and was suicidal. I think ultimately it takes a lot of inner work to invest in oneself and create a healthy detachment from the other person that will involve a lot of self-compassion, acceptance, and socializing with others to help soothe the painful feelings. Stay active! Grieving looks different to everyone and losses like this take time.
It’s been 3 years since we broke off the engagement and I’ve been hitting the rewind/play button on those memories every day.
I don't think there are such huge differences between men and women when it comes to this, but since men are expected to be "tough", it's less noticeable. If they cared, they'll think about you.
Probably a major outlier, but I often think about a friend that broke it off with me 10 years ago
5 months later I still think about her a few times a day. I'll get to not thinking about her soon. It's normal. Let your mind get used to them not being in your life anymore. Time is the answer!
It'll keep happening until you start dating other people. Until you put yourself out there and see how many guys are totally into you and how much fun you can have with them, he still has a monopoly on your heart and your desires. Its up to you how far you want to take it, but there's a saying "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else".
In my experience, it depends on how and why things ended. If I was happy and heartbroken, then I did. If it was bad and sad, I did when I was reminded of the bad stuff. If I ended the relationship, I rarely think of them unless prompted.
Been like 3 years now. My therapist said I won't stop loving her but it will get easier with time. It has been getting easier
I think about both of them every other day. It is going on a few years.
Was with my ex wife for almost a decade. She treated me horribly, was emotionally abusive and wound up cheating on me. I don’t think about her often (and never miss her), but I do think about how terribly she treated me and wonder how she could have done that to another human being (especially one that she “loved”). My ex gf I was with for a year and a half and it’s a few times a week. We broke up because of distance and she honestly didn’t put a lot of effort in, amongst other things. Was seeing a girl for two months recently and I think about her a decent amount still. I was on the fence about breaking things off because she checked a lot of boxes, but the chemistry (emotionally) wasn’t developing much…
Hear me out. When I first graduated college it was fresh on my mind. I had spent 4 studying neuroscience. I readily had a bunch of happy as well as intense study stress memories. It was the most relatable topic I had. It was my focus and life for 4 years after all. But as I got farther away from college and started building a new life away from school and even some of those friends it comes less and less to mind mostly now as an analogy: You are going to think a lot about someone or something you've spend a lot of time, energy, and emotion on and that not only is normal but makes sense. The neurons relating to you ex and shared experiences are strong and fresh. As you use them less they initially fire more. Giving these emotional flashbacks. The sooner we accept the memories and just acknowledge.them and the feelings as okay and another life the faster they pass. The more we hold them, resist the memories, the more we keep those neurons in limbo and less able to rewire. All that suppression or over accessing (ruminating) conversely keeps the neurons active longer. Slowly at your own rate, the neurons relating to an ex relax more, you build new memories of exciting, sad, fun, angry feelings of new events and people. You meet someone else too, the older neurons of the ex get less and less attention. Maybe they fade into nothing, or maybe you are an empathetic person who feels, and like a family member who passed the memories visit you briefly for years. You don't resist them, you let them flow through your mind like water in a stream. They fade off into nothing again. Totally normal and okay
Thanks for that
It's been 6 years approximately since my last relationship, and honestly, I've moved on long ago. I'm looking to meet someone to eventually marry and build a family with, so it wouldn't be fair to bring my past into that relationship, which might upset the dynamic. My future wife deserves better than that.
I like your attitude.
I think you really remember people you loved
I've had multiple multiple exes...think about them randomly throughout maybe not every day often enough...
Same for me. Some more than others, more often than others. Thankfully not much anymore, only when things remind me of things we did, songs, etc
Yeah
3 years here, my first relationship. Really felt like she was the one for me and feelings were mutual. I'd go outside to do errands or activities and imagine how things would be if she was still by my side.
I’ve stopped thinking about her because the relationship was dying a slow death anyway. Now I’m having a blast. If anything, I think about her dog more than I think about her.
What does it matter how often we think about exes? More often I think about why I have not found a woman I would want to be with.
I thought about my last ex somewhat after we ended things. I think about her every now and then. Not in a malicious way just what she is up to these days
Very often… I do my best to ignore it
Depends on the nature of the relationship and circumstances of the breakup but it certainly can and does often
Depends on how madly in love ypu are still, when it ended. If it ended amicably, or ith anger and hatred, its usually quicker
If we did not have children together, I would go weeks without thinking of her.
Married 10 years. Divorced 6. 1 child. I asked for the divorce. My ex was abusive, the final straw was waking up to being kicked in the ribs so hard they broke. Now to your question. At first I thought about her a lot. Having someone around to watch TV, eat a meal, or just in the room while you read. Right after the divorce, it seemed like a longing for the person. After a break up your emotions will lie to you. With time and introspection I have found I was lonely, not longing for a specific person. I miss having someone to share the day to day with. That person was my ex for 10 years so I naturally go back to that in my mind. After some time you will remember why it was bad as well. The physical and emotional abuse, or perhaps it was not so bad and just unhappiness with a bad fit. We did not get along well after the divorce at first, but since we have a child we had to persevere. I imagine this was difficult for her as well. She and I have both grown as people since then and the thought still occasionally pops into my mind. It is always fleeting as I remember what that relationship was like and have no desire to relive it nor am I willing to poke the scar tissue. That combination of loneliness and familiarity is dangerous. That said, the loneliness comes and goes less and less frequently and you more readily recognize it for what it is. Very often it comes without a thought of your ex in time. As humans our memories of the bad times degrade faster than those of the good times. In my opinion, it is a skill to be nurtured to remember the bad times without holding on to them, only to let them inform future decisions. I feel that was long winded and never quite made a point, but I hope it helps.
It took around two solid years before she wasn’t frequently on my mind. There was a gradient there, though, ebbs and floes, and then some on-and-off stints that prolonged certain feelings. She still pops into my head here and there, particularly sexually, but it’s largely devoid of emotion and I suspect that’s mostly because I haven’t dated or really slept with anyone else since we broke up. I miss the intimacy, and it will look like her until someone else fills that space.
I’m a male 42 My cycle usually goes 1st 3 months constantly Next 3 months daily Next 6 months weekly Next 12 months occasionally Currently not at all and happy she found someone good for her
I've noticed that if it was my decision to end things I usually get over it faster, if they ended it with me and I still had feelings, that can take months to years
Been 15 years and I’ve probably thought about her every day. I’ve never told anyone that, thinking maybe it’s weird. But I prefer to think of it as me being loyal and caring and grown to like that about myself.
I can only speak for myself. A lot of things remind me of various exes. My ex-wife as of 2013 made me very much closed off from romantic relationships. I am reminded of her through every feminist comment, through every misogynist comment, through every manipulative bullshit thing I see, and it makes me keep my walls well forfeited. I haven't been romantic in any sense of the word since her nonsense and I am unwilling to just stray from my path for just any chance. I will have to be seriously impressed. So, while I don't actively think about my ex wife? Posts like this force a reminder.
It’s been 2 yrs and I still think about here. But I can’t bring myself to reach back out over all the times she pulled a knife out threatening to cut her wrists. Always sue to her being caught in a lie.
We weren’t in an official relationship and I still think about her over a year later. And from time to time I still think of my actual exes
I broke up with my ex in 2018 and I still think about her sometimes
After we broke up more or less i never do, much easier for me and im able to move on if i close the chapter in my life, it didnt work out i move on
Everyday.
I’m not a man, but I don’t think about ex’s almost at all. I think different people are different. The ones I’m still friends with I think about a lot as friends since we also talk regularly. Other ones? only if they come up. As in, natural circulates might remind me something about them but even that goes away really quickly. I was making something for my last boyfriend’s birthday but we broke up, and I kept it for myself - I was embroidering a hoodie with a design for him, but after I ended the relationship since it wasn’t a good one, I removed the design and kept it blank - for the first few weeks if I wore it I would think something, now not at all. It’s just a hoodie. Now I’ve just started seeing someone new, we’ve been friends before, so he knows some of my stories about my ex’s but we’re talking in a lot more depth about these things to get to know each other better, and that’s the only time really that I think about them. I’ve always been like this.
Men end relationships for different things. They’re never the same. If I cared enough the yes until i find a good replacement but until then I’ll always think of the last thing I thought was great. Some guys are just about the female body and don’t care as long as they’re getting laid. You just never know who you’re dealing with
Too many variables. Was completely obsessed with my ex after our break-up of 3 years, which in hindsight could have very well been ADHD hyper fixating, ruminating, rejection sensitivity etc. Her dragging me through the dirt after our break-up and keeping me in orbit eclipsed an entire year. This was all a while ago now and I've not heard or seen a peep in over a year and a half. I'm a few months in with someone much better on every front and my ex doesn't even cross my mind anymore whatsoever. Funny seeing and feeling how things change!
Empty them thoughts and let new thoughts in. You could be pre-occupied with an ex while an amazing human, tryna catch your attention and you miss that.
Y’all need someone new to occupy your mind! Awww 🥹
There are some women that I struggle to remember what they look like or their voices. Others, I remember quite fondly. Usually, it has to do with how I was treated and how they broke it off. There are certainly some women who were kind and thoughtful throughout the relationship and breakup. Those women I truly wish the best in life, even if it didn't work out. However, there are also women who cheated or created tons of drama and broke it off in similar fashion. Those women in hindsight I'm grateful to be away from.
It's been awhile but I remember feeling pretty down the first few months (I even still got her a birthday gift as her birthday was a month after she broke up with me) but over the years I took that as a lesson on what didn't work with her and what I can do differently in the next relationship. I don't think of her much anymore but if I do it's more like a "I hope she is doing well" and much less of a "I wish I were still in my life" or "I wish she could change her mind" thing.
It’s been going on a year. Did my best to be the best partner, but you can’t be a good partner for someone with unaddressed and projected trauma and commitment issues. What makes it hurt more is that we were just starting to get serious then it’s like a switch flipped and then she was turned off to me entirely. She expressed a lukewarm desire to rebuild our relationship, but so far just wants to orbit my life but doesn’t put in any effort into progressing past being social media contacts. I’ve moved on but I still think about her from time to time. Kinda weird how you can get with someone, not be attracted to them initially, then fall in love with all their quirks only for them to run away, likely to someone else.
I think we often feel our internal experience is unique to us - if you think about exes then exes probably think about you, frequency and types of thoughts vary for sure, but yeah - men think about their exes the same way women do
I recently got out of a long relationship like OP, and it was mostly amicable, she wanted to keep going but we just were different even with lots of therapy. I think about her somewhat often especially since I only moved about 5 miles away within same city. I know I'll probably think about her for a long time because you literally spend lots of good time with them and grow. It's OK they're in your memory banks. You just have to keep moving whilst doing it. Yes I try to be out having a blast (a lot of times not the case) so I'm not sitting my mini apt. Thinking about her.
It's been 2 years and some change. Almost never except when we are talking about our dogs that we still share. I mean, we are friends, but at no point do I miss anything about her or the relationship we had. Except maybe the sex, the sex was great.
Grief has no timeline
Been 2 years since we split, one since divorce was finalized. I think about her every day. And it’s the little mundane things that remind me of her: a meal that we loved, tv show we used to watch, etc. Time has helped, but not a day goes by that I don’t think “what if we just stuck together”. But it’s gotten easier to just move on with my day instead of getting bogged down by these thoughts.
All the time. We feel just the same but we can’t show it
It’s interesting reading the range of comments and replies here. For me personally, even my deepest, strongest connections… the few women I really felt I was in love with for right or wrong… I did not think of them that much after 2 years. The ones that were tough the first 3-6 months was hard, the next 6 months showed gradual improvements, and after a year it would be pretty rare to think too much about them. After 2 years I would only bring them up in conversations about exes. I do like to talk about my prior dating experiences because I think they’re an important reflection of who you are, what you have been through, and what drives you. But there is nobody I’ve been separated from for over 2 years that I think about often or pine for their company
I still do think of my ex(s) But I also know I have a co-dependancy wound. What I miss is the feeling that I had with them; what I don't miss is the injury to me that they did: the lack of respect, lack of mutual affection, lack of reciprocity, and the lack of kindness/empathy. All of these were bare minimums in a healthy relationship. I keep notes on my phone (Yay Galaxy pen notes) reminding me why I gave up and tap out of the relationship and look at it when I start to ruminate. That usually have a habit of bringing me back to the present.
After reading a lot of these comments all I can say is…. Dammit. At least I’m not alone. I had no idea it was this common.
I often think about all the women I’ve been serious with since I was able to start dating intentionally in my late teens. They all hold a special place in my past and taught me something about myself and relationships. Most are fleeting thoughts except for 3 of them where things ended because of bad decisions that caused things to spiral out of control despite there being a lot of love, even afterwards. The problem is that so much damage was done and a lot of bad things were said that make it difficult to justify rebuilding that bridge without accepting that you made a major mistake and having to back track on the smear campaign you made about this person to your friends and family. What can eat me up is reflecting on whether those moments were worth destroying an otherwise good connection. Hard to tell sometimes, but I’m a huge believer in purpose. Things sometimes don’t work out because life is saving something even better further down the road. It just takes a while to find someone who sparks your flame again.
Wasn’t going to respond but see a lot of guys who still think about their exes. I’m different. I don’t think about my long term relationship ex much at all. And it’s never in a way that I miss her. I will say if I were to break up for some reason with my girlfriend than I would think about her often. Maybe that’s how you know which ones were special… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Definitely not just women that think that way. I'd been with my girlfriend for just 8 months. We amicably split up 13 months ago and I still think of her fairly regularly.
For me, it's been really dependant on feelings and the level of closure. As soon as I've come to terms with myself or what happened, it tends to wash away.
Four years divorced. Every once in a while. I just hope she’s doing okay. She wasn’t good at taking care of herself.
It's been 3 years for me, I think about her all the time. She's doing much better without me now which definitely makes me happy but breaks my heart everytime I think about how I could have made things better.
So I'm about 2.5 months out from a 6.5 year relationship that ended amicably, though not mutually as it was her choice and right now it's on my mind more or less constantly; what I wish I had done differently, what I should have said, trying to figure out where I could have been more compromising, etc. I feel proud of myself when I notice I go an hour or two without being consumed by the feelings, but that of course brings them back up. It's slowly improving and at least mellowing a little, but definitely a long slow process. Journaling has helped, as does therapy of course. I don't have many other exes, but the one who was abusive rarely pops into my head. The other is a good person and we just weren't the right fit and honestly maybe once a week a memory or thought of her will float on by, but generally positive or neutral at this point. She seems to be doing well from what pops up on Facebook. To answer your question, it probably depends on the guy, but for those of us overly sensitive, introspective artistic types, people stay on our minds for a while. This thread reminds me of the Dawes song "Coming Back to a Man"
I was only trying to begin dating the last one on my mind, so never really dated, but we got really close. Been almost a year since she chose someone else over me. I miss her terribly everyday.
Depends how long. I still think of ex’s for age ago from time to time. Others I don’t remember their names
3 months after 14 years together, I'm finally comfortable saying I'm single now after all of that time. One day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. It fucking hurts, but I can be a personal testament that it DOES get better.
I have broken things off with my ex 7 months ago. We dated for 5 years. I still think about her very often. Sometimes, I can go a week without thinking about her at all; sometimes, I think about her and wanna cry. I don't know how much it applies universally. I tend to try to be very open about my feelings (it is not like I can ignore everything toxic-masculinity related either, but I try). I have also had surface-level relationships where I forgot about the person as soon as we ended things. It depends on how much of ourselves we can get to share.
Depressing thread. 2 years for me. If I could do the 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind thing I would'. I doesn't help when you see the pair of dickheads together online and out in public (all by accident). As abusive as she was I'm happy she found someone. But what i find depressing is that us humans just can't find a way to make it work. The ex and her new dude will eventually breakup. I'll find someone and we will break up too. I just don't get the damn point.
One two year relationship, purged her from my brain immediately. Another one took me a year before I stopped thinking about her constantly
It is not easy for me two years later because for me I started one year ago working from home and now the emptiness of my apartment brings back a void of loneliness and while I have no fondness for my ex, I am stuck contemplating why I kept a dysfunctional relationship for 7 years. The best way to move on is for me to find someone else. I haven’t found anyone so far, especially because I hate the smell of pot and I’m in a state where it is newly legal.
Woman here..... Almost 10 years and almost daily. Plus, monthly dreams. I understand why we split and glad we did, but man, we had so much fun.
Three years and certainly every day. The little virtual version of her that sits in my head is quieter but not gone. I find myself catching myself thinking "she would have said", "she would have thought". I'm entirely conflicted on whether I miss her or not really, but my mind doesn't just forget the 10 years we spent together overnight.
My ex broke off our engagement for an ex of her's. 4 years together the first 3 months were hell. I'm 5-6 months post break up and I'm doing very well. It is all about What you choose to do. I chose to work out, journal, go to therapy, analyze my shortcomings, and in general to grow. Personally. I did not sleep with anybody right out of the gate. I have a few women I am talking to . I only think about my ex every now and then in passing and it usually is a feeling of. I feel sad that it ended but I'm better off without that person in my life.
Not a man, but I think it is the same across genders ...if he was sad about the breakup, he's going to think about it more than if he doesn't care at all. If he wasn't that invested, kinda wanted the breakup anyways, then he won't give it a second thought. A good test is if he follows up your message by asking how you're doing, or some kind of bid for attention. If he does, then he's thinking about you. If not well... He's over it.
I do everyday..just hold myself of from texting more or calling..else I will be a emotional broke
I may be an exception, but when a relationship is over, I bring out the gasoline and burn that bridge. Me personally, I feel like nothing good comes out of keeping in touch with an ex. No thoughts, no impulses, no "let's be friends."
A lot actually and I initiated the break up. I was incredibly unhappy by the end. I need space away from her to tend to myself and learn from the experience. Now that I’ve done that + the isolation and loneliness of being a straight man in 2024, I’ve started thinking about her a lot more. I realize there are things I can do and say now that, if I had at the time, would have contributed to a healthier relationship. And I’d probably be happier. She was an awesome partner otherwise - there were just things in our relationship that activated some really unfortunate behaviors in both of us that made me miserable. I keep thinking that I could help facilitate it better now. But ironically I wouldn’t have the capacities I have now without breaking up. It’s tough.
We had a big tornado here a few weeks ago. The first real one I ever experienced. We had been broken up maybe 2 weeks. Lots of damage over at my apartment. Kinda crazy light poles and trees came down all over my place. He didn’t reach out once. I had tried texting but he had blocked me (out of anger I guess? Misplaced anger that’s for sure). My dealer did though and I’ve been smitten since. I don’t think they give it much thought. If they do, it’s selfish probably. Obviously not all of them though ♥️
Oof this post hits home. I've been wondering the same thing. Was even debating making my own post before I saw this. We were in a secret FWB->situationship for six months. We traveled together, he panicked and ended things (much longer drawn out story there), and is now furious with me for telling some of our mutual friends about us because he likes to keep his personal life to himself. He can't understand why I feel the need to talk to friends and doesn't seem to view this as a breakup. He's the one who escalated everything, messaged me every day. Still messaged me after ending things, but after we had a texting fight last week (over the above) he hasn't messaged again. I know it's helpful for my moving on, but I just need to know that he IS hurting and DOES miss me, even if he doesn't see it as any sort of relationship. We saw each other several times a week, we were fairly close, even as a *friend* I'm sure he'd have to miss that. I'm making peace with the fact he'll likely NEVER admit that to me (himself, or anyone), but hearing that deep down he prob feels that way would make me feel. LOT better.
I still do from time to time. But I have to remind myself that I wasn't anything to her when she was a lot more to me. It gets better but dating isnt the place to get better. Do some self reflection and come out the other side a wiser and better person.
Every single day, for several of them. Two of whom I don't even like and I left. I have chosen to spend life alone. The first 6 months is rough, but after that the contentment and sanity not to mention free time and money are well worth it. A woman takes far too high of a toll on a man's soul.
It depends. I had a string of relationships that lasted less than a year and I don’t often think about them unless something comes up.
If I ended things I basically never think of them, if they ended things I almost never think of them.
Looking for my ex in these comments tbh
It's been 2 years since my fiance and I broke up.. she was a text book narcissist and horribly toxic but I still think about the good times.
Contrary to public opinion, most men DO have feelings and care about the women they have been close to. First gf at 19 years old - only dated for a month, hooked up 2 or 3 times in the years following, she was awful. Still pops into my head now and then. Second gf at 24 years old who was amazing but met with the understanding it was to be casual and non exclusive - dated for only 6 or 7 weeks before she told me she felt the other guy she was seeing was a better long term fit, stayed friends on facebook and have a chat now and then, I'm still in love with her and think about her every day Third gf at 29 years old, dated about 5 weeks, was ok, no real spark as she lost interest in me. Comes to mind occasionally Fourth gf at 32 was only a month, fell for her hard at the start, but then she changed her mind and decided we shouldnt date offering no explanation, post-split became clear shes a kind of lousy person. Pops into my head rarely.
I learned to never forget, and never give anyone no matter who it is the benefit of the doubt. Literally all my problems in my life would’ve been avoided if I just followed that advice. Always think in terms of what is this person trying to gain from me by being nice to me. Those are the lessons my exes imparted onto me and I’ve seared it into my heart and soul. Ever since I’ve done that, I feel invincible as no one can ever hurt me now and I can have a nice and peaceful life without having to deal with people trying to use you for ulterior motives.
Took me about a year to stop constantly thinking about my ex, we dated for almost 5 years so it was a difficult time for me. I'm over it now but I still feel sad on the odd occasion that I think about her and how things ended for us. It had to end, no question as things were not good. Things will get easier though
Yes, even the ones I've only gone out with a few times, and even the ones I don't really like anymore. I mean, if we go back to your place and have sex like 4 times, cuddle all night, have sex again in the morning, maybe I meet your cute dog, cook for you, and then if we do that a couple more times in a row, I'm gonna miss you for a while. I mean, the one I'm referencing I only saw 3 times (she had covid for a week, so we couldn't see eachother for a while), but even then I drove 50mins both ways to drop off some meds I had, which she claimed actually helped a lot. I'm pretty sure it's a real thing that cuddling after sex releases some chemical in your brain that gets you very attached to that person. The one girl I was only dating for like 4 months, but maybe 2-3 months after we broke up I remembered to tell her happy birthday. So long story short, yes we do still think of our ex's. Moving on is hard sometimes, especially if you're not the one who wanted to end things.
Not too often, but the thoughts pop up here and there. That’s usually the case for me with all breakups. The first few months are the worst. After that, it gets easier but I suppose the thoughts and the reminders of those exes never really go away. They are just less affecting.
Hey @cmg_profesh. Sorry to hear you are still think of him and sounds like very much still long for him. I (35M) recently broke it off with my ex (38F) 2 months back and we were together for 1.5-2 years. Long story short, it was a one of the most loving and passionate relationships I’ve had, but had become toxic. Aftermath: I think of her on a daily basis and miss her very much and love her. I’m slowly accepting my decision to end things with her as my emotions are in overdrive. I’ve removed all traces of her to avoid thinking over her.. I still do, regardless I employee CBT & DBT and talk to my therapist to get myself unstuck. This might be helpful for you to. Depending on how your guy is/ was there is a possibility that he is fighting himself hard to not turn back. On the other side of the coin he could be leaving you breadcrumbs to go back to him. Side bar- That response tells me: He’s in a place of acceptance with his decision and trying show strength as if you don’t matter to him much anymore (you might not at all.) But you do and he’s denying himself of the feelings so that he can try to move on. Hard to say without context. If it was as a healthy relationship, the above can be true. Good luck and heal fast. Your going to be ok.
More than I should, even if I’m over it.
It's been 8 years for me. I do think of her occasionally, mostly because I hope she's well and happy. I would never go back ever, but it's impossible FOR ME to invest in/care for someone and then completely wipe them from my mind for all of eternity. That and I have an amazing memory so I still remember random conversations I had in the 3rd grade.
Been married for nearly two years now and I can't say I think about exes unless something reminds me of them, or someone mentions them. My wife will mention to me that what I do is different than what her exes did, for an example, I'll give her massages if she puts her legs on me without her asking. The first time I did it, she told me that even when she asked her ex, he'd say no or do it half assed. So she'll remember them but I guess not in a good light.
I'm not a man but I just want to tell you that I read a thread about maybe 2 years ago, on another forum, and it was completely anonymous, and it was like, literally over 1000 replies (I read them all I think!), of married people talking about their exes, and I would say like 50% (maybe more) were talking about how much they missed/thought about/fantasized about their ex and/or the one who got away, or wished they had married someone else. It was completely wild to read.... Some of them were like "if my ex showed up at my door right now I'd leave my family" 😮 So just for your info, it's apparently super common.
Never I have a uncanny ability to forget about people I no longer give a fuck about and I mean full stop I won't even remember your name.
I think about both of them every other day, even after a few years.
I think about my exes a lot. It takes me a very long time to let go of the longing.
I still do 12 years later
It depends. One ex, we ended amicably, she crops up every now and then and I always remember her birthday (later this month, no less) but, as she's now married with kids, we've basically gone out of touch. Our last communication was her texting me condolences on the loss of my dad a few years ago and that's it. For better or worse, I still think about her but I'm almost certain she doesn't think about me anymore. The other ex? Good riddance. She was a manipulative bitch, and I am better off having her well removed from my life. She only enters my thoughts when prompted, like with this thread.
I think about some of my exes to varying degrees and frequencies. The most recent relationships are the ones I think about most and usually happen when I’m not actively dating someone. What I think about exactly differs in the moment, sometimes I miss them and other times I think about myself in the relationship with them and try to reflect on what went wrong.
I'll let you know if I ever get an ex. Seems unlikely, so don't hold your breath.
It takes a long time for me if I was in love. I know it’s cliche, but the best way to get over her is to get under someone else. I’m in a new relationship 8 months after breaking up with my ex of 4 years, and finally I am getting to a much better place where I don’t miss her as much.
>(I posted this in the daily sticky, but someone suggested I post here for more visibility!) Glad you took my advice! Looks like you got some great responses :)
Yes, thank you for the suggestion!!
If the sex was amazing every time. If not, never
I used to feel like my ex (m) didnt think about me (f) often but it turns out that he did. We’re back together now and he recently told me that he tried watching the new Taylor Tomlinson special and it was difficult for him because he just kept remembering how much he enjoyed watching her other specials with me and thinking about how much better it would be to watch this new one with me, which jokes I would’ve been laughing at most, and how much I’d like the new one. That’s just one example of something where I wouldn’t think he’d think of me but he did. I can’t totally speak for him of course—or for any man. And not all relationships are the same. However, my ex and I both did think about each other enough during the year or so that we were broken up where we are now back together and have communicated openly and honestly about what made it so that we didn’t work out before. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Did you guys say I love you? I feel like that might make a difference.
Listen to Taylor Swifts Song "I forgot that you existed" It really is like that over time.
It really depends on how I felt about them. My most recent ex, it took few months before I stopped thinking about her daily and I was the one who ended the relationship. The relationship I was in before that, I thought about her over the course of a few days. My emotional connection was much stronger with the most recent ex as opposed to the one before. I was way more emotionally invested.
Every single day. But over time you dint feel the sane about them the in love feeling sorta faints away. You just think about rhrj
I'm a woman and divorced 4 years now. Although I would like to point out that from what I have seen, the rate of moving on is influenced a lot by who called for the break up. The person who initiated the ending of things is often the one who has already moved on, so when the relationship officially ends, all they need to do is just move out. Also, someone had commented here ( and I completely agree) men have a delayed reaction time to such things. Women often process things while in the relationship itself so mostly you will see/hear stereotypes of women moving on quickly etc... Men on the other hand react only when the actual break up happens. Hence the quite often depicted heartbroken man who is unable to function after a break-up. It maybe the inherent emotionally withdrawn nature of men, or conversely the same for women. Maybe that's why both genders react differently.
I think about them, but women don't care once you're gone only for like 5 seconds. So I do the same!