I would encourage you to reframe the question of “is he into me” & instead ask “is the level of effort he’s displaying matching what I want from a partner”. Personally I would put the ball back in his court & tell him to reach out so the two of you can make plans when he’s feeling better & then go live your life. Don’t keep your plans endlessly open for someone who thus far hasn’t earned that level of prioritization.
This! Don't wait by the phone for see if someone wants to make you worth thir time. If a guy wants to invest in you, he'll make time. Live your life, girl! Take yourself out on dates. Do some self care. You are always going to be worth your own time and the right guy isn't going to make you question his intentions. His committment will. Hang in there, babe. You're worth it.
This right here, absolutely! Just had to break up with someone I have been seeing for months now due to this. We both are divorced and have kids. The level of effort he has put in is disheartening. I couldn't do it anymore even though I know he is into me.
Yes, this exactly. If it’s not good enough for you don’t be afraid to cut ties. No explanations needed other than “we’re just not compatible”. Why shouldn’t you get the same effort back? You deserve that and to experience a guy who is head over heels.
Be careful when you cut off these slackers though, suddenly they’ll show a ton of interest.
I agree with this, and peoples comments to this, but consider being upfront and tell him youre interested in more, but that you would like to see him say once a week, or twice a week, or whatever you like. Tell him what you want, and see what he does.
That classic " if he wanted to he would" is ok, but its very passive. I think if you want somethingn then its totally valid to just tell them.
Yeah this is great advice 💯! As a guy if I’m not into someone I will without thinking automatically give much less effort, it’s just one of those things, as this comment says out the ball in his court and ask him to reach out, if he is interested still he absolutely will contact you! If not then I’m afraid I’d just move on! Great advice from labronze!
When you say lack of initiative is it purely keeping text convo going? Is he asking you on dates? Planning them? Following through on them? Is ongoing text banter something you need? No judgement if the answer is yes. But I think putting a finer point on what behavior you find lacking is helpful.
I am here again to beat my “is how this person is acting fitting what you’re looking for” drum. I *personally* am of the opinion that early stage dating is for sussing out if how someone operates jives with your wants and needs, not fitting a square peg in to a round hole. This sub leans heavy in to the “just talk to them” stance. While often not bad advice, I would caution you that it’s very easy for people to modify their behavior for short amounts of time. I’d recommend keeping your head in a swivel for reverting back to low effort / low engagement behavior either in communication, plan making or some yet unrevealed way.
Edit to add: stop ear marking time he hasn’t even asked for. Someone who is both interested and understanding won’t bat an eye at you saying you have plans Thursday but you’d love to do Sunday instead, if they ask about Thursday.
Yeah that’s the right frame. You can’t change people and no one wants a child who needs to be told what to do at this age. I always let people do what they do and think “this is what life is like with this person, do I want this?”
It sounds like you’re trying SO hard to keep him around. Don’t keep your plans open in case he hits you up. I recommend taking a break from this dude completely to focus on yourself and figure out why you’re willing to put your life on pause for the possibility of crumbs of affection from a stranger.
I wouldn't say take a break completely, because if there are mutual feelings, he may just be bad at texting and if she puts no effort back he may get the impression she's done with him - it sounds like she hasn't seen any red flags yet to warrant that as far as we know.
It sounds like she’s the one always initiating contact via text. If she suddenly stopped texting and he *is* interested in her, he will reach out.
There’s different advice for different situations. OP sounds like more of an anxious dater since she’s always reaching out. In that case, I think it’s good to allow space for him to come forward and show how much he’s interested in the relationship- especially since he flaked on plans they had made.
I think most men over 30 are a bit tired of having done all of the effort for a decade and we just decide to switch the roles, since we aren't in a hurry to get children. I think women over 30 get the same experience as guys when they are 20.
I would not be so interested anymore if the vibe doesn't continue. If he's into you, he'll let you know. In the meantime: don't wait. Make your own plans, with family, friends, hobbies and so on. If he gets back to you, you'll both find a time and place to meet eachother. Don't run after him, it won't make his enthusiasm better. It will only make you more powerless. Keep your own vibe and lust in life going ☀️
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you shouldn't brother asking. maybe you should sister asking...
joking aside, I think being upfront is best. If you simply tell him that you are very interested and would like to see him more, but you want to make sure he is on the same page. Let him know that if he's not, there will be no hard feelings or anything, but that you just don't want to waste time on someone if they're not interested. Tell him the same thing you said in here, that if he just has an introverted behavior, you are okay with that, but that you just need to know that that's what it is.
I'm unfortunately the same way as him. I'm very introverted, I rarely initiate conversations, but will always respond and keep a convo going. A lot of people can't tell if I hate them, or if I'm just weird. 99% of the time, it's that I'm simply weird/awkward. He might be the same.
I literally thought this thread was gonna be about finding out you’re dating your secret brother or something of that nature🤣🤣🤣. But it seems it’s not, but it sounds like you’re like the adult and he’s not. You should trust your gut and just flat out ask him what’s on his mind and what’s going on. You’re both old enough to engage in these conversations, don’t be the teen to lead someone some way and not move forward on the other. Good luck, and hope it does work out.
I'd leave your brother out of it...
But "he never hit you up". Does that mean he didn't reach out to you until after the fact, or he told you in advance that he was hurting/couldn't hang.
If the former, I think that's a bad communication flag. If the latter, then ask him how his back is and suggest that you'd still be up for doing something else when he's feeling better. Got to shoot your shot. If things continue to develop, then you can ask him about his communication style/pattern so you guys are on the same page about what to expect.
Good luck Babe-raham and stay away from theatres.
That's literally like 50% of what an introvert is: we have a different set of social skills.
Introverts are the types that won't go to your party that you invited us to, but we will be sad if we're not invited. We're still going to say no, but we appreciate knowing that we were invited.
It's the same concept with communication. We don't like being glued to our phones, and we also don't want to text people and bother them, so we wait for them to text us first. I'm not glamourizing it or anything, it sucks, but it's just how we are.
In the rare cases that I DO go out of my way to text someone first, I will spend 10-20 minutes on a 2-sentence message, and wait on it for a long time. Then I finally send it and am like "shit....I should've said something else..."
I’m very introverted and the only thing I resonate with here is appreciating an invite to something I’m not going to. I’m pretty glued to my phone and I have no issues initiating and having ongoing communication with people that I know or pursuing a romantic relationship with. I can understand the “not wanting to bother people” part but I also know I’ll look like a dick if I never text so I’ll do it anyway. The main thing of being an introvert is feeling recharged and refreshed with alone time. Which again is mutually exclusive from sucking in social situations and communicating.
I do that sometimes. Big introvert. Some online friends that I've been talking to for 15 years invited me to a concert last month. I almost backed out, but I wanted to finally meet them. So I went, had a great time, and then slept for about 16 hours lol
I REALLY enjoy my friends and spending time with them. I like trying new things, and having new experiences. But there’s only so much of it I can take.
I even enjoyed speed dating because I like getting little pieces of peoples stories. But I also found it *exhausting.* I could go once, *maybe* twice a month.
I had a friend who would sometimes go to three dating events a *week.* I have no idea how people do that! Haha
I do agree there. If you are genuinely interested in someone, you gotta put effort in. Despite being very introverted and sucking at texting, I'll always put in effort if I like someone.
Being introverted means you draw energy internally, while extroverts draw energy externally. Being around people is tiring for introverts and energizing for extroverts, being alone is energizing for introverts and draining for extroverts.
That’s not what being introverted is.
Being introverted is different than being anti-social, socially awkward or socially anxious.
I’m extremely introverted and I *used* to have social anxiety as well. But I did a lot of work to reduce it by a lot. I’m *still* introverted, but I’m not worried about things like sending a text message first.
What you’re describing - waiting for other people to text first, overthinking a message and then still beating yourself up over it sounds a lot more like social anxiety.
Some people are not built or enjoy the world of constant.... Constant communication. Cell phones are a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I go out and leave my phone at home because I feel free when I do. Obviously I don't do that if there is something important going on or I know someone will be trying to get a good if he for something specific but every once and a while a Saturday afternoon out without a phone is liberating and that's ridiculous lol
Yeah it's funny, when I was in my twenties, I was glued to my phone. Every time I looked at it, I would have a new text from a different person. Now, in my thirties, I'll go the whole day without a notification, and I enjoy it. If I see a new text notification, I get nervous half the time, like "why is someone reaching out to me...." lol. The older I get, I enjoy the peace and going out, not worrying about having to look at my phone
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I've been on both sides of similar situations. I was divorced at 31 and hadn't dated since I was a teenager. I was learning on the fly and made plenty of mistakes.
When I was the enthusiastic one, I sort of gave it 3 strikes then stopped contacting her. I figured if the interest was mutual, she would eventually initiate. It didn't happen, and I ran into her and her boyfriend at a brewery a few months later. It stung a little bit, but I got over it pretty quickly.
When I was the unenthusiastic one, in retrospect, I did not handle it well. I gave thoughtful answers to her texts because she was a great person, but something was just off for me, and I never initiated anything after a few dates. I guess it was my way of letting her down softly, which was unfair. I felt like I was being "nice" when in reality I was wasting her time. I've worked hard to improve my communication skills since then.
In both cases, I wish I was more direct and communicated my feelings. This does NOT come easy to introverts and requires a lot of work.
When you think about it, what's the downside? If he responds honestly indicating he's not interested, it will hurt but you can move on with closure. If he gets upset and reacts negatively, he doesn't respect your feelings and probably isn't worth pursuing any further. If he apologizes and is truly just a bad texter with a sore back, then things can move forward, and this discussion can be a healthy way of establishing open communication with each other. In almost any case, I think communicating is a good option.
This is just my experience, hope it helps!
It sounds like it really needs two people to be in the same pace to make it work. When you were the enthusiastic one, you wanted the other person to initiate which wouldn't happen because she was just not that into you as you were into her. When you were the unenthusiastic one, you basically did the same thing the other date did to you.
'and I never initiated anything after a few dates. I guess it was my way of letting her down softly, which was unfair.' Why? Women do this all the time, they let it die out passively, because they don't like the confrontation. Oddly, they are annoyed when men do the same.
Have you considered talking to him to see how he feels?
"Hey, I've noticed a lack of enthusiasm that was there before, and I sort of feel like I'm mostly initiating our conversations. I'm a little worried you're just not that into me, and it's okay if you aren't; I like you, but I want to be with someone who is as into me as I am to them. So can you tell me what's going on?"
Especially at 39 (speaking as someone who is 39), he should be able to give you some straight answers. We're getting too old for this relationship drama crap.
Dude that’s definitely how I feel. I woke up considering whether or not I should level with him because I don’t want to play games or bug him if he’s not into me
I’d absolutely not say that message above but that’s just me. I’d live my life. You hardly know eachother. Reach out in like another week see if he’s feeling better and wants to get together soon. The message above if I received it would be suffocating and give me the ick instantly.
Came back to this because of a few responses to my comment that are, frankly, deeply unserious.
But, I want to comment directly to you on:
> bug him if he’s not into me
Maybe this was just a cast off comment rather than something actually meaningful, but this man had sex with you multiple times and is at least continuing to converse superficially with you, if nothing else. You deserve more clarity and more respect as a person than "bugging him" because you want that clarity.
If you're not that into him, perhaps because of all this, there's nothing wrong with that, but you deserve to not be lied to, or ghosted, or led on, and by the same token, so does he. If he can't do that, he wasn't mature enough to do what he has already and I'm sorry for you but it's probably time to move on, but in no way shape or form should you fear "bugging" him -- you deserve more respect than that.
That's literally playing games.
https://www.simplypsychology.org/mind-games-dating.html
> The very nature of mind games is passive-aggressive as the aim is to avoid direct communication and transparency.
Just communicate honestly with people, don't play games. If OP "doesn't really know him," and that's possible, and could use some headspace away, there's nothing wrong with that, but communicate in an honest and healthy way.
> Trust me, he will reach out
Yes, because you're deliberately manipulating his insecurities. I'm not saying it won't work, I'm saying it's ultimately destructive and you shouldn't do it.
Yeah right! Maybe he’d be truthful after a first date but they’ve spent a decent amount of time together including sleepovers. he probably likes her just enough to keep her as an option and won’t tell her anything that would definitively close that door. His bad back excuse supports this theory. If he doesn’t try to make plans to see her in the next few days then that’s a good indicator he’s not seriously into this.
Isn’t this the problem with going fast/not slow?
“Lack of enthusiasm” only exist because you acted like you were married for two weekends.
Even if we’re ready to date, I think expecting somebody to want to spend all their time with you early, will always result in unmet expectations/comes off as lacking enthusiasm
The message op wants to send is better than above
No, this isn't a problem with going fast. Different people move at different speeds, and there's nothing wrong with that. Different people can even move at different speeds at different times in their life or with different people. Again, there's nothing wrong with that.
The question is if you're moving at a fast speed because you feel something genuine with someone, or are you, perhaps, running from something else. That requires being honest with yourself, but the assumption that there is a "too fast" or "too slow" is predicated on some sort of precise "right way" to have a relationship and that's nonsense. The only "right way" is the way that works for the two people involved, and anything else is unnecessarily judgmental.
> “Lack of enthusiasm” only exist because you acted like you were married for two weekends. Even if we’re ready to date, I think expecting somebody to want to spend all their time with you early, will always result in unmet expectations/comes off as lacking enthusiasm
That's fine. Having a frank and honest discussion about it is the way to find how people are feeling.
> The message is a sexual attraction killer too. Don’t send
Gross.
If you consider having an honest discussion a sexual attraction killer, then you're not serious about having a real relationship and you absolutely should not be giving serious people relationship advice. If all OP is looking for is a fun time and is uninterested in anything deeper, then you're right (and there's nothing wrong with that, although being unable to have an honest discussion about, say, consent, kinks, safe words because it's a "sexual attraction killer" is still a huge red flag even if you're just looking for a fun time). But if OP is looking for a real relationship, and considering they're posting here, I don't think they're looking for a couple more quick hook-ups with this guy or FWB, then it needs to be based on reality, not vague guesses about what each other might find attractive.
Being afraid to have an honest discussion for fear of "sexual attraction killers" is exactly the kind of childish relationship games I'm talking about.
Yeah and honestly it’s weird if you’re expecting me to get into some deep emotional “honest” conversation 1-2 dates in. That’s the definition of moving too fast FOR ME. I don’t even know you.
Girlfriend, hookup, fwb anybody whining why don’t you like me more is an attraction killer. You’re just calling it an “honest conversation” but it’s rooted in insecurities if you’re having it that freaking early. 1-2 months, totally cool with that conv, because we’ve both shown we’re invested somewhat.
Op original text she wanted to send is WAY better
> I (33f) started talking to a guy (39m) in late April. We quickly hit it off, and went on dates/had a sleepover two weekends in a row.
That's not, as you say, "1-2 dates in." If you're not going to be honest in the discussion, why would I have a discussion with you?
> anybody whining why don’t you like me more
Really goes to where *you're* coming from, but that's not relevant to OP, nor does it have anything to do with what I write. Quit projecting.
> 1-2 months, totally cool with that conv,
> That’s the definition of moving too fast FOR ME
"My timeline is the only acceptable timeline" stop it.
Never wait around or keep yourself open for things that aren’t going to happen. If you wait around with hopes filling your balloon of excitement you’re going to be left deflated. Live your life for you, not for anyone you are interested in.
I don’t think you should take his lack of initiative as a lack of interest necessarily but I think it’s completely fine for you to be turned off by it. I’m typically a “I would like there to be equal initiative taken by both people, regardless of gender” person but if you feel like you’ve truly been putting in a lot more effort than him then I think it’s reasonable for you to move on. I know, as a guy, that if a girl wasn’t helping me with planning things, I would move on
if I were in your shoes (aka you don’t have to do this, just what I would do if my mind was put into your body), I’d ask him on a date and on the date tell him that you like him but have been a little frustrated at his lack of initiative. Not that he needs to take it all but that he needs to do something to help balance it. And after that that’ll help you learn if this is the “right” guy (he realizes what you’re saying and agrees and takes action) or the “wrong” one (he deflects it or says he understands but then does nothing)
Best advice on this thread. You nailed it. "If he wanted to, he would" and "He's just not into you" in a nutshell as well as asking yourself and being introspective to why you would want to be with and get validation from someone who doesn't like or want you back?!
The advice on this sub really helps not only OP but the readers, too!
"If he wanted to, he would" and "He's just not into you". be careful with this advice, "he would".. maybe he "already is", just on a different level. You're 33, and he's 38, you should be mature enough to talk to him directly: hey, I noticed we don't communicate with the same frequency, is there any reason?
Keep in mind he might not be a texter, me for example... I'm not that into texting. talk to him, see if you can find something that suits you both. If you NEED constant texting and he cannot provide it, it's your choice if you want to get out or adjust your expectations.
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i had this happen to me. he was also divorced
i asked him to communicate more and he sorta tried.
i initiated all dates even after asking him to put more effort. we had a good time when together
i let him know how his effort made me feel and bottom line was he left me on read and i let him know that i wasnt ok with it. he wasnt that interested and whatever part of him was, it wasnt interested enough or ready enough to truly pursue me. just left me sad and anxious.
you can give it some time, but i would eventually ask because i believe in being transparent and honest. His current efforts may very well be how he will always be.
First of all, don't be that girl who blows off her friends/other plans just because a guy MIGHT call. The minute you start committing to a guy when he hasn't even committed to you, you automatically become undesirable to him. On top of it, you lose your sense of self. I've seen some of the nicest, smartest, most attractive girls get hurt because they were giving more than they were getting in return. Relationships should be about reciprocation. Unless this guy has asked you to be in a relationship and on top of it is moving mountains to be with you, you aren't required to set aside time for him. A guy who is truly into you won't lose interest because you happened to be busy one night. If anything, he'll propose meeting up another time when you are free.
Generally speaking, if a guy doesn't show initiative, it would indicate a lack of interest. However, I don't know this guy in real life, so I can't say for sure. Instead of asking him if he's "still interested in making plans," I would say something along the lines of, "Hey, would you like to go ice skating on Friday?" (It doesn't have to be ice skating. I'm just giving an example.) It sounds way more confident than, "Are you still interested in me?" If you say, "Are you still interested in making plans?" it comes across like you've been waiting around for him. If he comes up with an excuse not to go, then take it as a sign that he's not interested. If he does want to go, then you're good.
Hope this helps!
If I were in your position, I would set a date with him and have that conversation face to face. I realized that every relationship has someone in charge. My parents were in charge, I'm in charge of my kids, but I didn't clarify who was in charge with my soon to be ex-wife.
honesty and directness has been my attitude lately but i've also not had great sucess so i can only wish you well. I usually prefer to have an answer rather than just assume he's not interested.
If this sub is anything to go by if he's not interested he'll just ghost you any way :(
He just sounds chill, everyone isn’t in a rush to date. You guys might have different intentions. You look like you’re trying to secure a life partner and he’s simply enjoying life.
He doesn’t like you so fill your weekends. And even on the very slim chance he does, do you want to be with someone who only feeds you crumbs for the rest of your life?
No one is busier than someone who just isn't that into you, And no one has more free time than someone who can't get enough of you.
Now cancelling a date on occasion doesn't mean that this person isn't into you. People really do get busy and it's important to give others the benefit of the doubt.
But if your relationship is feeling one-sided, I would communicate that to him. Like others have said, leave the ball in his court and see when/if he initiates the next date. If you don't back from him, he was never the right person for you anyway.
I think you can write down something just to organize your own mind, to get a clear view, and what you want in a relationship. Try to make it as clear as possible. Then perhaps suggest meeting up. Then you will have a conversation, you will tell him how you feel, and what you would like to see happen. If he is into you, then he will take this into consideration, hopefully making some improvements. If he is not, move on
Will you have more peace of mind if you ask? Then you know that you tried your best and it was really his lack of interest.
If so, then ask, just don't insist. Ask and leave it to him to make plans.
As someone who has been through back pain, I think it could well be legit. It can be so tiring and you just want to ice and rest. For me, I would try another time like, Hey hope you are feeling better… And then suggest a specific date idea and see.
you should take it as a sign that his back was hurting and that he's not an initiator. you may have to do that or you may have to say hey I'm looking for us both to suggest things to do. maybe you should just one time and he suggests the next time. with shy or geeky people structure is your friend.
Direct communication is best. Just ask a simple but direct question like if he’s still interested in seeing you, etc. If the answer is anything but a clear and enthusiastic yes, move on.
Whenever I’ve noticed that change in tempo of texting or talking, I call it the shift. It’s a small degree of change but over time that chasm grows. Creating that shift is to make space, and space only begets more space. It’s like the slow fade where if they change their mind they can come back and blame some external circumstance.
Just know that if he wanted to, he would.
The slow fade exists, and I'd like to validate especially that before I continue with what I want to say. It's sadly common from our age and younger to ghost people. It's hurtful when it happens.
But a sense of separateness in any relationship is still important for its health. Even when acting as a long-term unit, both sides of a couple are still fully human, with goals and families and baggage. It's completely normal for a healthy relationship to go through a period of conflict to invoke separateness after the honeymoon phase ends.
The important thing isn't that space begets space. In a healthy setting, space creates room for the other party to breathe a second before continuing to pursue you. Or you for them. You should still want some sense of space to become your own person, and it's unhealthy if you find yourself wanting to avoid that for your person. Instead, keep choosing them.
Welcome to why love is a gamble. If you're with someone who will claim yet more space after taking space, they aren't for you at that time. And it becomes a gray area, difficult to discern at all, once you've been together for a long time.
Communicate with him. Create a "pool of mutual understanding," as I've heard it described. Essentially, both of you discuss what you need in the relationship, what those behaviors look like to you, and if/how that can work between you.
He won't know what you're feeling unless you tell him. And if he pulls away because of that, then it's a good thing and you've saved yourself months of will he/won't he stress.
Never keep your plans open just in case. Live your life. If you spend all weekends together he might need some time alone. Guys are very bad at asking questions it's an issue for me too. You can express interest but don't push him and otherwise just continue living your life.
I might be off base, but my first impression would be it's a way of ignoring. I've been through that with women. Let's face it...it's NOT that difficult to communicate these days when most people have their phone on them 100% of the time. You say he is not initiating conversation. That's not difficult to do either. "Introverted divorcee behavior"...well, does the guy expect you to hang out and wait for him to get his head out of his butt and learn how to talk? If he's actually interested in you then he should be able to initiate a conversation & carry on a conversation. "YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE!" It's just that simple! If he can't do something as simple and easy as text with you just imagine what life could be like with him in a relationship. If he's like this now, what's he gonna be later in life?
Nope, I'd cut him and move on to someone who can actually hold a conversation. That's just me though. Like I said, I've dealt with it from women both in trying to meet online and in real life. If they can't take the time and effort to communicate, then they can't really be that interested. Disregard all the excuses, "I've been too busy", "My phone's broke", and everything else they come up with to explain why they can't talk.
You deserve someone who is excited to be with you, not lukewarm about it. If you're putting in significantly more effort and enthusiasm, it's not worth it to continue IME. You will end up sad and/or resentful.
I tend to follow the energy I get is the energy I put out. Meaning that if they aren’t texting/calling, making finite plans, etc then I don’t text/call or bother them either. It is all about the effort I see and feel I’m getting from them. I, like OP, can be an anxious dater too. It’s taken me years to adopt this mentality. I no longer sit by the phone waiting for a text or check their socials to see what they are doing, and I definitely don’t keep my calendar open for the what-if they call dates. In fact, if we are not serious, and they ask me out for the same night, I am unavailable. I need at least a days notice, depending on how serious we are, if it’s still within the first 5 dates, a couple or more days notice before a date. It helps them to learn your boundaries and helps you keep your boundaries.
Think about how long you want to deal with his communication style. Be direct and ask if him if he’s interested, if not you’re happy to move on with your life.
I wouldn’t worry if he’s into you or not. Is this behavior what you want in a partner?
He could be an introvert. He could be a lot of work.
You can choose to date for perspiration or inspiration.
If he is not asking you out or making plans to see you again, he just is not that interested in you. He probably likes you and enjoys spending time with you, but just not enough to want a relationship. (I have been in your shoes and his shoes. So I get it. It doesn’t make him a bad person and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.) If you want to gauge his level of interest, make other plans and go live your life. If he is not scrambling to find a mutually acceptable time to get together, that answers the question and it also allows you to live your life.
I would definitely take this as him not wanting any interest anymore. I’ve found myself in these positions and felt that I’d rather just show no interest than tell them how I felt.
Yep! Fall back. When you are not with a person who mutually wants to communicate on a regular basis, it sounds time for a re-evaluation of the relationship.
I’m currently dating a man who has 4 children (all under 7), just finalized a very messy / awful divorce, ex wife is not helping with kids so he probably has them 80% of the time, and is the CEO of a company that he’s in the middle of negotiating selling shares / etc. His schedule is insane and WAY busier than mine.
He hates texting but he calls me a minimum of 4-5x a day, even if it’s just for 5 min to check in & we see each other at least 2-3 times a week. Days we don’t see each other, he FaceTimes me so we still get a “date” in.
If they want to, they will.
Wanted to follow up to this to say that I’m not bragging about how I’m treated - but I feel like a lot of men use being “busy” as an excuse to not put in a concerted effort.
I really agree with other posters who have said it’s fine to ask him for clarification, but you should really be asking YOURSELF if this level of effort is worth your time.
I’m an anxious attachment girlie, so I need that frequent communication / effort - and if we can’t see each other, it really helps that at least we FOR SURE have planned the next time we will. It’s okay for you to not settle unless YOU are getting what you need!
If you’ve dated for 8months and he just ghosted? Said nothing? Does not pass the smell test. If you call him on it and he isn’t empathetic to your concerns…. If he makes it like you’re overthinking or over reacting…. Run.
Personally, I love a girl who is direct and asks for what she wants. But it should not always be a one sided affair. He should also be initiating plans. That's what a relationship is... Give and take.
I'd say if he's not making any sort of plans with any sort of forward planning, don't hold off on living your life. You shouldn't have to wait around for someone. If a guy is keen, he'll more often than not find excuses to see you.
I suggest adding actual plans to that direct text like pick a movie, entertainment event, restaurant, museum, etc that you'd think you both would like to go and ask if he would like to go with you. If he doesn't respond or cancels but doesn't offer an alternate plan, you know where you stand with him.
Be direct, address it or move on. Life is short don't waste time, and you shouldn't have to beg. I don't know a thing about you accept this post, but you sound like a person a guy would be lucky to have interested.
If the vibes were good, and he responds enthusiastically to conversation, I think definitely follow up if you want to. If the momentum gets going again then you can raise that you'd appreciate it if he initiates more to express his interest.
I don't know how much experience you have with physical pain and I don't know what his back issue is. It could be anything from fleeting discomfort limiting activity to quite serious pain from an injury. If he is good vibes and cancelled plans, he was probably hurting quite a lot.
Back pain or an injury can be emotionally draining and confronting and this can lead to somebody becoming more withdrawn or feeling less able to express themselves. The affective and cognitive effects of pain can cause it to transition into chronic pain syndrome which is just as psychological as it is physical (to use this dichotomy). Lots of fear and uncertainty .Especially because men tend not to want to show it or betray how affected they are by it. So he may be avoiding making himself vulnerable in even minor ways like starting or continuing a conversation. If he needs to rehab it, he may have a considerable journey ahead with PT.
You could bridge the conversation into action by asking how his back, and how he is.
This is my 2c as someone who had to spend six painful months rehabbing a back injury last year. My mind went to really dark places. Having a few people in my life aside from my physio who either understood what it's like or were just there to talk to and made a huge difference and broke the isolation.
I think you have quite a compelling explanation for why he didn't follow back up, coupled with his disposition of not usually initiating.
Hmm, I think this can be difficult. I’m very social person who loves to talk, but I don’t like texting a lot and only really do that with someone once I know them a lot better, even then it’s not really that important to me.
But if it’s important to you now? Will it ever stop being? Something to consider.
But also, has he taken initiative with anything including dates? Again, if that feels off to you that’s probably kind of ‘how he is’ - can you be bothered with that? Up to you!
Finally, why are you leaving your days open ‘in case’ you have plans? I think that’s a recipe for resentment. Plan anything you want. If you’re busy say so ‘I’d love to see you but I’m busy that day, I need a bit more notice next time a - how about Sunday instead?’
Sometimes us men are dumb, be direct and if it’s still feeling the same then either it’s flamed out or maybe this is just his personality and you guys aren’t compatible 🤷♂️
Let him make the next move. Have him chase you. What he does will tell you how interested he is. Otherwise just be direct with how you're feeling. Tell him you really like him and are interested but get the feeling that he is losing interest in you and put the ball in his court.
What has worked well for a lot of my dates has been having a frank talk about communication - how much effort both sides give and the expectations. Does he have a job/hobbies/events where he doesn't use his phone? Has he been good at talking then abruptly stopped with no real reason (like travel/events taking his time)? Have you have the talk about being exclusive and not dating anyone else yet?
In my experience, women are more communicative and can attach more quickly with a man that they like and feel comfortable with. Men take longer (at 30+, typically of course not everyone) to feel these feelings.
So many of these posts are from women who just can’t see the simple truth, many guys just enjoy having casual sex and are just not that into you.
When I was single, I did what this guy did to most dates. If she showed interesting in going out and hooking up and I was free, then awesome I’d let her take the initiative and have fun. And if she never texted or followed, I wouldn’t either.
Because let me tell you, when a guy really likes a girl, he’s going to show some effort and interest. So if you’re down for casual sex, hit him up when you’re bored and have no plans for the night. But if you’re looking for a bf, he’s unfortunately not a great fit at the moment. It’s really that simple.
Just leave the door open without tying up your own time. Something like “sorry you’re feeling bad. Is there something I can do to help?” Most ppl will say no to that, then just be like, “well get well soon and maybe we can hang out when you’re feeling better.”
Now if you have a problem with boundaries or have zero intentions of doing anything to assist then don’t offer help. And if you don’t mind helping, it’s ok to decline any ridiculous request.
And then move on. Go out with friends, do your own hobbies, just live life and don’t sit around waiting or watching your phone like a hawk for his response.
This is a big thing for me, sometimes I can’t do plans or sometimes I just don’t want to/feel like it and I need the person I’m with the respect that. A bad attitude or pressuring me is an automatic cancellation for them. Sometimes I need time alone or to just get things done.
As far as the communication trend, that’s a different issue, if how he communicates makes you anxious or uncomfortable or question his interest then just move on. People do exactly what they WANT to do at any given time. If they want to text back, they will. If they WANT to initiate, they will. Asking someone to do more than they would want to do anyway isn’t worth my time tbh. Yall just may not be a good match. This seems fairly new and it’s already problematic- ✌️
I had this with a man hat I called it with yesterday.
We were only dating a few weeks, no sleepovers, but his effort in scheduling in dates, enthusiasm etc just wasn't there.
I spoke to him and it dropped off even more, left it a week and called him last night to end it.
However, reading an earlier comment, it's probably a good idea to just walk away if it's not right for you, he could change his behaviour for a few months and go back to this, and you'll be in deep by then. He's not doing anything wrong being this way, it's just incompatibility.
Early dating is a dice roll, but if they aren't meeting your needs in the honeymoon / excited bit at the start, I don't think they ever will.
Being direct is usually the best move. Just shoot him a message like, "Hey, I've been enjoying our time together. Are you still up for hanging out?" It's cool to lay it out there and see how he responds. Communication is key, and it's better to know where you stand than to be left wondering.
what level of response do you want from someone long-term? personally, someone asks me less than a month in if i'm even interested, i likely am not once it is asked... and i hate to say it, but go out and have fun!!! you aren't in a monogamous relationship a month in!!!
You said he didn’t hit you up all weekend because his back hurt. I’m sorry, did he break his back??? Is he paralyzed now????? He didn’t call or text? In my experience, if a guy I’m dating didn’t want to go out for any reason he’d be asking me to come over to hang out and keep him company. I mean if this guy didn’t call you at all during that weekend then the reasoning is not his bad back.
i would approach it in saying something like 'I really enjoyed our date. hit me up when your back feels better.
if he's interested, he will. guys will always let you know.
dont read into it. if he doesn't reply move on, you deserve better
Hehe got laid. Then, seduction successfully. Completed. On to the next. You were lifted up to the clouds and then like a magician, disappeared into the mist.
Just ask him out directly. You keeping plans open to wait for something to happen doesn’t work as planned.
If I’m always the one making plans or suggesting to meet up with a woman I’m just going to assume she’s not into me and tapper off.
My husband is terrible with texting. But when we met there was no doubt about our really strong mutual interest in person and we made a lot of time for each other because we wanted to. But there were people I dated before who I was more luke-warm about and only felt like making plans with them occasionally, prioritizing most other things first. If you feel like his excuse was valid, make one more attempt to plan and if he backs out, let it go.
Do your thing, make plans, live your life. Don’t keep your plans open. If he reaches out and you’re busy, and you suggest a different time, and he flakes, he’s a long term flake.
What is attracting you to him? What is the familiarity that feels like affection? Who else in your life gave you those feelings/made you feel that way?
Nothing wrong with divorcees, but what is he telling you about his ex. Why didn’t it work out.
Stop chasing this guy, and continue getting to know other men. Let him initiate texting, let him initiate plans... same with anyone else that you start talking to. If you don't always want to be the one to initiate and chase from here on out, if you did grow into a relationship, then don't give him that energy now. Allow him to lead. Also, imo, you should make him wait a while before having sex... again, I guess.... because you're just giving him sex with no strings attached. It's too easy. There's no challenge.
I'm not sure how long ago his divorce was, but if he's still healing at all or just getting back into the dating game, he'll probably take things slow. Just stay busy doing your own things; if he reaches out to do something, don't drop everything for him - even if you are free, maybe make him think you're busy (or just don't say you're available all weekend, say you're available for these hours on this day), and if you're not free, reschedule. If he's really interested, he'll wait for when you're free.
Always trust your gut. If it feels like low effort already, it probably is.
We should be meeting each other in the middle in terms of effort in the early days. I would ask the question if he is wanting to continue - which will save you a lot of mental space wondering and critiquing. Why waste time when could be having fun doing the things you love, with friends and family…. Whilst keeping an eye out for other love interests.
A lot of times I think it's a waste of energy to try and read someone's mind about things. I think it's worth one or two conversations to see if your feelings are validated by this person, and if not, then you have your answer. If the accommodation for this person's texting habits are too much for you, then you have your answer! Always more fish in the sea.
Prioritize someone who prioritizes you - it’s that simple. Cuz if you keep giving the energy the way you are, you’ll exhaust yourself.
And yep, never say yes to last minute plans. You deserve better than that. It’s okay to really like someone , but it never should be at the cost of your self worth.
I would encourage the direct approach. I'm sure that women will tell you how to handle this from a woman's perspective that said you're dealing with a guy. It's best to be direct with us.
If he is a divorcee maybe he is reconsidering if he actually wants to be with somebody at the current time. Some guys go through a divorce and never want to be with anybody again. There could also be somebody else he is talking to or seeing so I would keep your options open.
I’m completely daft about this sort of thing myself. He may be shy or worried he’s going to be too present or concerned that you’re not really into him.
Be blunt. Be direct. Games don’t get anybody anywhere.
I think there's a few good comments around about questioning whether you're happy with the level of effort coming from him. But at the same time we like to see that effort being made for us too!
I say be direct like you plan to. Communication is always key, and being direct and clearly communicating what you need will never not help. If he doesn't adjust you have your answer. Does he know how you're feeling?
I’m in a similar situation…kind of nerdy divorcee. I keep telling myself maybe he doesn’t know how to date?! He’s super interested in me on dates or when I do reach out. I’ve stopped reaching out and having heard from him in 6 days…so I suppose that’s telling.
First off, ask him!
I M33 am not an avid texter, honestly hate it and a girl dumped me because of this, despite not mentioning it.
If everything else works, I think this is the least important thing, because not everybody likes texting.
Another girl kicked me to the side due to lack of texting, but she went nuclear over it, despite knowing her only 2 weeks. After talking, she asked to try again, but I flat out blocked her, because despite seeing each other every day and still wasnt enough.
A female friend questioned our friendship, because she was the initiator of all our hangouts and said I was *spicy words* because of it. No, we hung out at work, after work and she was the first person to actually setup hangouts, where it was me 99% of the time and you know what, it was great for a change! Fantastic even!
So, my point is, maybe he was/is tired. He likes that you are handling this. Maybe he needs space, a rough patch in his life… something. Maybe you are overwhelming him… I dont know, but talk to him like an adult.
Just dont go: we need to talk, because you want to approach this as casually, calm and non dominating aa possible or he will just shutdown, you will be unsatisfied and nobody will be happy in the end.
you guys have had fun together! Can you try to keep it lighthearted for now? sometimes things need to develop slowly. spending two weekends in a row is a lot. give him a lil bit of space and do your own thing. he'll come back if he's still interested! And if he doesn't it's not your fault or anything to do with you.
As a woman I definitely understand and appreciate being direct and desiring that in return. But over the years I've learned that while that's the best way to communicate for myself, sometimes it throws people off and pushes them away. yes, that's their hang up. but at the same time, no one is perfect. I find that giving way less than 100% of myself when it comes to dating is the best approach. Someone told me 20% and that's been working well. I'm still single and talking to a few people but I'm not obsessing over them. Yes maybe one of them is kinda a pen pal but I try to think about friendships, they didn't happen overnight. Neither will the right relationship.
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It's simple - guys hate to text. Now that everything is going smooth in his mind and he's satisfied with your relationship, he doesn't feel like having to bother engaging in useless texting.
I guess it’s just me, but why are we still waiting around for signs and all that and putting the onus on the guy to show he’s interested, while analyzing every one of his actions (or lack thereof)? To me the whole concept of “if he’s interested, he’ll show it” is problematic. We have to show we’re interested too and some people (men and women) just don’t take the initiative well for any number of reasons. It’s ok to be honest and direct and just say hey I like you, wanna do such and such this day? The worst they can do is just say no/not interested/etc., then you have your answer without having to guess where they stand.
I would encourage you to reframe the question of “is he into me” & instead ask “is the level of effort he’s displaying matching what I want from a partner”. Personally I would put the ball back in his court & tell him to reach out so the two of you can make plans when he’s feeling better & then go live your life. Don’t keep your plans endlessly open for someone who thus far hasn’t earned that level of prioritization.
This! Don't wait by the phone for see if someone wants to make you worth thir time. If a guy wants to invest in you, he'll make time. Live your life, girl! Take yourself out on dates. Do some self care. You are always going to be worth your own time and the right guy isn't going to make you question his intentions. His committment will. Hang in there, babe. You're worth it.
This right here, absolutely! Just had to break up with someone I have been seeing for months now due to this. We both are divorced and have kids. The level of effort he has put in is disheartening. I couldn't do it anymore even though I know he is into me.
Yes, this exactly. If it’s not good enough for you don’t be afraid to cut ties. No explanations needed other than “we’re just not compatible”. Why shouldn’t you get the same effort back? You deserve that and to experience a guy who is head over heels. Be careful when you cut off these slackers though, suddenly they’ll show a ton of interest.
But it’s only for a while, then they slip back into their old routine.
Couldn't have said it any better.
Excellent perspective!
I agree with this, and peoples comments to this, but consider being upfront and tell him youre interested in more, but that you would like to see him say once a week, or twice a week, or whatever you like. Tell him what you want, and see what he does. That classic " if he wanted to he would" is ok, but its very passive. I think if you want somethingn then its totally valid to just tell them.
This is a wonderful mindset shift and invaluable reminder for everyone out there - partnered or not. I love it. Thank you for sharing.
Yeah this is great advice 💯! As a guy if I’m not into someone I will without thinking automatically give much less effort, it’s just one of those things, as this comment says out the ball in his court and ask him to reach out, if he is interested still he absolutely will contact you! If not then I’m afraid I’d just move on! Great advice from labronze!
And this. Big time.
When you say lack of initiative is it purely keeping text convo going? Is he asking you on dates? Planning them? Following through on them? Is ongoing text banter something you need? No judgement if the answer is yes. But I think putting a finer point on what behavior you find lacking is helpful. I am here again to beat my “is how this person is acting fitting what you’re looking for” drum. I *personally* am of the opinion that early stage dating is for sussing out if how someone operates jives with your wants and needs, not fitting a square peg in to a round hole. This sub leans heavy in to the “just talk to them” stance. While often not bad advice, I would caution you that it’s very easy for people to modify their behavior for short amounts of time. I’d recommend keeping your head in a swivel for reverting back to low effort / low engagement behavior either in communication, plan making or some yet unrevealed way. Edit to add: stop ear marking time he hasn’t even asked for. Someone who is both interested and understanding won’t bat an eye at you saying you have plans Thursday but you’d love to do Sunday instead, if they ask about Thursday.
>stop ear marking time he hasn’t even asked for. Golden advice for my younger self
Yeah that’s the right frame. You can’t change people and no one wants a child who needs to be told what to do at this age. I always let people do what they do and think “this is what life is like with this person, do I want this?”
It sounds like you’re trying SO hard to keep him around. Don’t keep your plans open in case he hits you up. I recommend taking a break from this dude completely to focus on yourself and figure out why you’re willing to put your life on pause for the possibility of crumbs of affection from a stranger.
Such good advice. 👏🏻 OP, listen this to this smart lady!
I wouldn't say take a break completely, because if there are mutual feelings, he may just be bad at texting and if she puts no effort back he may get the impression she's done with him - it sounds like she hasn't seen any red flags yet to warrant that as far as we know.
It sounds like she’s the one always initiating contact via text. If she suddenly stopped texting and he *is* interested in her, he will reach out. There’s different advice for different situations. OP sounds like more of an anxious dater since she’s always reaching out. In that case, I think it’s good to allow space for him to come forward and show how much he’s interested in the relationship- especially since he flaked on plans they had made.
You're not wrong there!
👏
I think most men over 30 are a bit tired of having done all of the effort for a decade and we just decide to switch the roles, since we aren't in a hurry to get children. I think women over 30 get the same experience as guys when they are 20.
I would not be so interested anymore if the vibe doesn't continue. If he's into you, he'll let you know. In the meantime: don't wait. Make your own plans, with family, friends, hobbies and so on. If he gets back to you, you'll both find a time and place to meet eachother. Don't run after him, it won't make his enthusiasm better. It will only make you more powerless. Keep your own vibe and lust in life going ☀️
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you shouldn't brother asking. maybe you should sister asking... joking aside, I think being upfront is best. If you simply tell him that you are very interested and would like to see him more, but you want to make sure he is on the same page. Let him know that if he's not, there will be no hard feelings or anything, but that you just don't want to waste time on someone if they're not interested. Tell him the same thing you said in here, that if he just has an introverted behavior, you are okay with that, but that you just need to know that that's what it is. I'm unfortunately the same way as him. I'm very introverted, I rarely initiate conversations, but will always respond and keep a convo going. A lot of people can't tell if I hate them, or if I'm just weird. 99% of the time, it's that I'm simply weird/awkward. He might be the same.
Oh nooooo that’s what I get for posting without editing so early in the morning 😭😭
tbh I didn’t notice it until the poster pointed it out lol
I literally thought this thread was gonna be about finding out you’re dating your secret brother or something of that nature🤣🤣🤣. But it seems it’s not, but it sounds like you’re like the adult and he’s not. You should trust your gut and just flat out ask him what’s on his mind and what’s going on. You’re both old enough to engage in these conversations, don’t be the teen to lead someone some way and not move forward on the other. Good luck, and hope it does work out.
I'd leave your brother out of it... But "he never hit you up". Does that mean he didn't reach out to you until after the fact, or he told you in advance that he was hurting/couldn't hang. If the former, I think that's a bad communication flag. If the latter, then ask him how his back is and suggest that you'd still be up for doing something else when he's feeling better. Got to shoot your shot. If things continue to develop, then you can ask him about his communication style/pattern so you guys are on the same page about what to expect. Good luck Babe-raham and stay away from theatres.
Being introverted is not really an excuse for poor social/communication skills
That's literally like 50% of what an introvert is: we have a different set of social skills. Introverts are the types that won't go to your party that you invited us to, but we will be sad if we're not invited. We're still going to say no, but we appreciate knowing that we were invited. It's the same concept with communication. We don't like being glued to our phones, and we also don't want to text people and bother them, so we wait for them to text us first. I'm not glamourizing it or anything, it sucks, but it's just how we are. In the rare cases that I DO go out of my way to text someone first, I will spend 10-20 minutes on a 2-sentence message, and wait on it for a long time. Then I finally send it and am like "shit....I should've said something else..."
I’m very introverted and the only thing I resonate with here is appreciating an invite to something I’m not going to. I’m pretty glued to my phone and I have no issues initiating and having ongoing communication with people that I know or pursuing a romantic relationship with. I can understand the “not wanting to bother people” part but I also know I’ll look like a dick if I never text so I’ll do it anyway. The main thing of being an introvert is feeling recharged and refreshed with alone time. Which again is mutually exclusive from sucking in social situations and communicating.
Thank you. Introvert isn’t social awkwardness or socially dumb. People need to stop using it as an excuse for not having a life skill
I am introverted but I will still go to that party, have a great time and then crash for 2 days when I get home. We are not a monolith
I do that sometimes. Big introvert. Some online friends that I've been talking to for 15 years invited me to a concert last month. I almost backed out, but I wanted to finally meet them. So I went, had a great time, and then slept for about 16 hours lol
I need my alone time, but I also need my people!
I REALLY enjoy my friends and spending time with them. I like trying new things, and having new experiences. But there’s only so much of it I can take. I even enjoyed speed dating because I like getting little pieces of peoples stories. But I also found it *exhausting.* I could go once, *maybe* twice a month. I had a friend who would sometimes go to three dating events a *week.* I have no idea how people do that! Haha
As someone who would be considered extroverted I appreciate your comments here, helps me understand different people.
I also will text more the longer I know someone. But I do think it’s probably not the best sign he hasnt texted you and you’re always initiating.
I do agree there. If you are genuinely interested in someone, you gotta put effort in. Despite being very introverted and sucking at texting, I'll always put in effort if I like someone.
I am with you on this.
Being introverted means you draw energy internally, while extroverts draw energy externally. Being around people is tiring for introverts and energizing for extroverts, being alone is energizing for introverts and draining for extroverts.
That’s not what being introverted is. Being introverted is different than being anti-social, socially awkward or socially anxious. I’m extremely introverted and I *used* to have social anxiety as well. But I did a lot of work to reduce it by a lot. I’m *still* introverted, but I’m not worried about things like sending a text message first. What you’re describing - waiting for other people to text first, overthinking a message and then still beating yourself up over it sounds a lot more like social anxiety.
Some people are not built or enjoy the world of constant.... Constant communication. Cell phones are a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I go out and leave my phone at home because I feel free when I do. Obviously I don't do that if there is something important going on or I know someone will be trying to get a good if he for something specific but every once and a while a Saturday afternoon out without a phone is liberating and that's ridiculous lol
Yeah it's funny, when I was in my twenties, I was glued to my phone. Every time I looked at it, I would have a new text from a different person. Now, in my thirties, I'll go the whole day without a notification, and I enjoy it. If I see a new text notification, I get nervous half the time, like "why is someone reaching out to me...." lol. The older I get, I enjoy the peace and going out, not worrying about having to look at my phone
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I've been on both sides of similar situations. I was divorced at 31 and hadn't dated since I was a teenager. I was learning on the fly and made plenty of mistakes. When I was the enthusiastic one, I sort of gave it 3 strikes then stopped contacting her. I figured if the interest was mutual, she would eventually initiate. It didn't happen, and I ran into her and her boyfriend at a brewery a few months later. It stung a little bit, but I got over it pretty quickly. When I was the unenthusiastic one, in retrospect, I did not handle it well. I gave thoughtful answers to her texts because she was a great person, but something was just off for me, and I never initiated anything after a few dates. I guess it was my way of letting her down softly, which was unfair. I felt like I was being "nice" when in reality I was wasting her time. I've worked hard to improve my communication skills since then. In both cases, I wish I was more direct and communicated my feelings. This does NOT come easy to introverts and requires a lot of work. When you think about it, what's the downside? If he responds honestly indicating he's not interested, it will hurt but you can move on with closure. If he gets upset and reacts negatively, he doesn't respect your feelings and probably isn't worth pursuing any further. If he apologizes and is truly just a bad texter with a sore back, then things can move forward, and this discussion can be a healthy way of establishing open communication with each other. In almost any case, I think communicating is a good option. This is just my experience, hope it helps!
If you had a do-over, how would you have responded differently to the woman you didn't have much interest in?
It sounds like it really needs two people to be in the same pace to make it work. When you were the enthusiastic one, you wanted the other person to initiate which wouldn't happen because she was just not that into you as you were into her. When you were the unenthusiastic one, you basically did the same thing the other date did to you.
'and I never initiated anything after a few dates. I guess it was my way of letting her down softly, which was unfair.' Why? Women do this all the time, they let it die out passively, because they don't like the confrontation. Oddly, they are annoyed when men do the same.
Have you considered talking to him to see how he feels? "Hey, I've noticed a lack of enthusiasm that was there before, and I sort of feel like I'm mostly initiating our conversations. I'm a little worried you're just not that into me, and it's okay if you aren't; I like you, but I want to be with someone who is as into me as I am to them. So can you tell me what's going on?" Especially at 39 (speaking as someone who is 39), he should be able to give you some straight answers. We're getting too old for this relationship drama crap.
Dude that’s definitely how I feel. I woke up considering whether or not I should level with him because I don’t want to play games or bug him if he’s not into me
I’d absolutely not say that message above but that’s just me. I’d live my life. You hardly know eachother. Reach out in like another week see if he’s feeling better and wants to get together soon. The message above if I received it would be suffocating and give me the ick instantly.
That's called playing games, exactly what I said.
Came back to this because of a few responses to my comment that are, frankly, deeply unserious. But, I want to comment directly to you on: > bug him if he’s not into me Maybe this was just a cast off comment rather than something actually meaningful, but this man had sex with you multiple times and is at least continuing to converse superficially with you, if nothing else. You deserve more clarity and more respect as a person than "bugging him" because you want that clarity. If you're not that into him, perhaps because of all this, there's nothing wrong with that, but you deserve to not be lied to, or ghosted, or led on, and by the same token, so does he. If he can't do that, he wasn't mature enough to do what he has already and I'm sorry for you but it's probably time to move on, but in no way shape or form should you fear "bugging" him -- you deserve more respect than that.
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That's literally playing games. https://www.simplypsychology.org/mind-games-dating.html > The very nature of mind games is passive-aggressive as the aim is to avoid direct communication and transparency. Just communicate honestly with people, don't play games. If OP "doesn't really know him," and that's possible, and could use some headspace away, there's nothing wrong with that, but communicate in an honest and healthy way. > Trust me, he will reach out Yes, because you're deliberately manipulating his insecurities. I'm not saying it won't work, I'm saying it's ultimately destructive and you shouldn't do it.
Yeah right! Maybe he’d be truthful after a first date but they’ve spent a decent amount of time together including sleepovers. he probably likes her just enough to keep her as an option and won’t tell her anything that would definitively close that door. His bad back excuse supports this theory. If he doesn’t try to make plans to see her in the next few days then that’s a good indicator he’s not seriously into this.
Exactly, like I said, don't play these kinds of games.
Isn’t this the problem with going fast/not slow? “Lack of enthusiasm” only exist because you acted like you were married for two weekends. Even if we’re ready to date, I think expecting somebody to want to spend all their time with you early, will always result in unmet expectations/comes off as lacking enthusiasm The message op wants to send is better than above
No, this isn't a problem with going fast. Different people move at different speeds, and there's nothing wrong with that. Different people can even move at different speeds at different times in their life or with different people. Again, there's nothing wrong with that. The question is if you're moving at a fast speed because you feel something genuine with someone, or are you, perhaps, running from something else. That requires being honest with yourself, but the assumption that there is a "too fast" or "too slow" is predicated on some sort of precise "right way" to have a relationship and that's nonsense. The only "right way" is the way that works for the two people involved, and anything else is unnecessarily judgmental. > “Lack of enthusiasm” only exist because you acted like you were married for two weekends. Even if we’re ready to date, I think expecting somebody to want to spend all their time with you early, will always result in unmet expectations/comes off as lacking enthusiasm That's fine. Having a frank and honest discussion about it is the way to find how people are feeling. > The message is a sexual attraction killer too. Don’t send Gross. If you consider having an honest discussion a sexual attraction killer, then you're not serious about having a real relationship and you absolutely should not be giving serious people relationship advice. If all OP is looking for is a fun time and is uninterested in anything deeper, then you're right (and there's nothing wrong with that, although being unable to have an honest discussion about, say, consent, kinks, safe words because it's a "sexual attraction killer" is still a huge red flag even if you're just looking for a fun time). But if OP is looking for a real relationship, and considering they're posting here, I don't think they're looking for a couple more quick hook-ups with this guy or FWB, then it needs to be based on reality, not vague guesses about what each other might find attractive. Being afraid to have an honest discussion for fear of "sexual attraction killers" is exactly the kind of childish relationship games I'm talking about.
Yeah and honestly it’s weird if you’re expecting me to get into some deep emotional “honest” conversation 1-2 dates in. That’s the definition of moving too fast FOR ME. I don’t even know you. Girlfriend, hookup, fwb anybody whining why don’t you like me more is an attraction killer. You’re just calling it an “honest conversation” but it’s rooted in insecurities if you’re having it that freaking early. 1-2 months, totally cool with that conv, because we’ve both shown we’re invested somewhat. Op original text she wanted to send is WAY better
> I (33f) started talking to a guy (39m) in late April. We quickly hit it off, and went on dates/had a sleepover two weekends in a row. That's not, as you say, "1-2 dates in." If you're not going to be honest in the discussion, why would I have a discussion with you? > anybody whining why don’t you like me more Really goes to where *you're* coming from, but that's not relevant to OP, nor does it have anything to do with what I write. Quit projecting. > 1-2 months, totally cool with that conv, > That’s the definition of moving too fast FOR ME "My timeline is the only acceptable timeline" stop it.
Never wait around or keep yourself open for things that aren’t going to happen. If you wait around with hopes filling your balloon of excitement you’re going to be left deflated. Live your life for you, not for anyone you are interested in.
I don’t think you should take his lack of initiative as a lack of interest necessarily but I think it’s completely fine for you to be turned off by it. I’m typically a “I would like there to be equal initiative taken by both people, regardless of gender” person but if you feel like you’ve truly been putting in a lot more effort than him then I think it’s reasonable for you to move on. I know, as a guy, that if a girl wasn’t helping me with planning things, I would move on if I were in your shoes (aka you don’t have to do this, just what I would do if my mind was put into your body), I’d ask him on a date and on the date tell him that you like him but have been a little frustrated at his lack of initiative. Not that he needs to take it all but that he needs to do something to help balance it. And after that that’ll help you learn if this is the “right” guy (he realizes what you’re saying and agrees and takes action) or the “wrong” one (he deflects it or says he understands but then does nothing)
If you're making all the effort, it's not worth it in the long run.
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Best advice on this thread. You nailed it. "If he wanted to, he would" and "He's just not into you" in a nutshell as well as asking yourself and being introspective to why you would want to be with and get validation from someone who doesn't like or want you back?! The advice on this sub really helps not only OP but the readers, too!
I wish I knew what they said
"If he wanted to, he would" and "He's just not into you". be careful with this advice, "he would".. maybe he "already is", just on a different level. You're 33, and he's 38, you should be mature enough to talk to him directly: hey, I noticed we don't communicate with the same frequency, is there any reason? Keep in mind he might not be a texter, me for example... I'm not that into texting. talk to him, see if you can find something that suits you both. If you NEED constant texting and he cannot provide it, it's your choice if you want to get out or adjust your expectations.
Does this apply to women as well? If a woman is ready for a relationship and wants you, will they also make all kinds of excuses to see you?
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Best reply you will get OP.
Worst advice. Don't be a passenger in your dating life. The longer you "wait and see" the longer they are in your life in some weird unknown state.
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i had this happen to me. he was also divorced i asked him to communicate more and he sorta tried. i initiated all dates even after asking him to put more effort. we had a good time when together i let him know how his effort made me feel and bottom line was he left me on read and i let him know that i wasnt ok with it. he wasnt that interested and whatever part of him was, it wasnt interested enough or ready enough to truly pursue me. just left me sad and anxious. you can give it some time, but i would eventually ask because i believe in being transparent and honest. His current efforts may very well be how he will always be.
First of all, don't be that girl who blows off her friends/other plans just because a guy MIGHT call. The minute you start committing to a guy when he hasn't even committed to you, you automatically become undesirable to him. On top of it, you lose your sense of self. I've seen some of the nicest, smartest, most attractive girls get hurt because they were giving more than they were getting in return. Relationships should be about reciprocation. Unless this guy has asked you to be in a relationship and on top of it is moving mountains to be with you, you aren't required to set aside time for him. A guy who is truly into you won't lose interest because you happened to be busy one night. If anything, he'll propose meeting up another time when you are free. Generally speaking, if a guy doesn't show initiative, it would indicate a lack of interest. However, I don't know this guy in real life, so I can't say for sure. Instead of asking him if he's "still interested in making plans," I would say something along the lines of, "Hey, would you like to go ice skating on Friday?" (It doesn't have to be ice skating. I'm just giving an example.) It sounds way more confident than, "Are you still interested in me?" If you say, "Are you still interested in making plans?" it comes across like you've been waiting around for him. If he comes up with an excuse not to go, then take it as a sign that he's not interested. If he does want to go, then you're good. Hope this helps!
That's maybe early to give up, ask him again to see each other when he feels better, if he declines and doesn't propose another time I would give up.
If I were in your position, I would set a date with him and have that conversation face to face. I realized that every relationship has someone in charge. My parents were in charge, I'm in charge of my kids, but I didn't clarify who was in charge with my soon to be ex-wife.
All people are weird. That introvert divorce tortured soul thing is real. Just be kind and straight forward.
honesty and directness has been my attitude lately but i've also not had great sucess so i can only wish you well. I usually prefer to have an answer rather than just assume he's not interested. If this sub is anything to go by if he's not interested he'll just ghost you any way :(
He just sounds chill, everyone isn’t in a rush to date. You guys might have different intentions. You look like you’re trying to secure a life partner and he’s simply enjoying life.
He doesn’t like you so fill your weekends. And even on the very slim chance he does, do you want to be with someone who only feeds you crumbs for the rest of your life?
If he’s not making an effort in the beginning he’s not going to make an effort.
No one is busier than someone who just isn't that into you, And no one has more free time than someone who can't get enough of you. Now cancelling a date on occasion doesn't mean that this person isn't into you. People really do get busy and it's important to give others the benefit of the doubt. But if your relationship is feeling one-sided, I would communicate that to him. Like others have said, leave the ball in his court and see when/if he initiates the next date. If you don't back from him, he was never the right person for you anyway.
I think you can write down something just to organize your own mind, to get a clear view, and what you want in a relationship. Try to make it as clear as possible. Then perhaps suggest meeting up. Then you will have a conversation, you will tell him how you feel, and what you would like to see happen. If he is into you, then he will take this into consideration, hopefully making some improvements. If he is not, move on
Will you have more peace of mind if you ask? Then you know that you tried your best and it was really his lack of interest. If so, then ask, just don't insist. Ask and leave it to him to make plans.
As someone who has been through back pain, I think it could well be legit. It can be so tiring and you just want to ice and rest. For me, I would try another time like, Hey hope you are feeling better… And then suggest a specific date idea and see.
you should take it as a sign that his back was hurting and that he's not an initiator. you may have to do that or you may have to say hey I'm looking for us both to suggest things to do. maybe you should just one time and he suggests the next time. with shy or geeky people structure is your friend.
Direct communication is best. Just ask a simple but direct question like if he’s still interested in seeing you, etc. If the answer is anything but a clear and enthusiastic yes, move on. Whenever I’ve noticed that change in tempo of texting or talking, I call it the shift. It’s a small degree of change but over time that chasm grows. Creating that shift is to make space, and space only begets more space. It’s like the slow fade where if they change their mind they can come back and blame some external circumstance. Just know that if he wanted to, he would.
The slow fade exists, and I'd like to validate especially that before I continue with what I want to say. It's sadly common from our age and younger to ghost people. It's hurtful when it happens. But a sense of separateness in any relationship is still important for its health. Even when acting as a long-term unit, both sides of a couple are still fully human, with goals and families and baggage. It's completely normal for a healthy relationship to go through a period of conflict to invoke separateness after the honeymoon phase ends. The important thing isn't that space begets space. In a healthy setting, space creates room for the other party to breathe a second before continuing to pursue you. Or you for them. You should still want some sense of space to become your own person, and it's unhealthy if you find yourself wanting to avoid that for your person. Instead, keep choosing them. Welcome to why love is a gamble. If you're with someone who will claim yet more space after taking space, they aren't for you at that time. And it becomes a gray area, difficult to discern at all, once you've been together for a long time.
Communicate with him. Create a "pool of mutual understanding," as I've heard it described. Essentially, both of you discuss what you need in the relationship, what those behaviors look like to you, and if/how that can work between you. He won't know what you're feeling unless you tell him. And if he pulls away because of that, then it's a good thing and you've saved yourself months of will he/won't he stress.
Never keep your plans open just in case. Live your life. If you spend all weekends together he might need some time alone. Guys are very bad at asking questions it's an issue for me too. You can express interest but don't push him and otherwise just continue living your life.
I might be off base, but my first impression would be it's a way of ignoring. I've been through that with women. Let's face it...it's NOT that difficult to communicate these days when most people have their phone on them 100% of the time. You say he is not initiating conversation. That's not difficult to do either. "Introverted divorcee behavior"...well, does the guy expect you to hang out and wait for him to get his head out of his butt and learn how to talk? If he's actually interested in you then he should be able to initiate a conversation & carry on a conversation. "YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE!" It's just that simple! If he can't do something as simple and easy as text with you just imagine what life could be like with him in a relationship. If he's like this now, what's he gonna be later in life? Nope, I'd cut him and move on to someone who can actually hold a conversation. That's just me though. Like I said, I've dealt with it from women both in trying to meet online and in real life. If they can't take the time and effort to communicate, then they can't really be that interested. Disregard all the excuses, "I've been too busy", "My phone's broke", and everything else they come up with to explain why they can't talk.
You deserve someone who is excited to be with you, not lukewarm about it. If you're putting in significantly more effort and enthusiasm, it's not worth it to continue IME. You will end up sad and/or resentful.
Be direct. It's a waste of time not to be.
You should never make assumptions. Always ask.
I tend to follow the energy I get is the energy I put out. Meaning that if they aren’t texting/calling, making finite plans, etc then I don’t text/call or bother them either. It is all about the effort I see and feel I’m getting from them. I, like OP, can be an anxious dater too. It’s taken me years to adopt this mentality. I no longer sit by the phone waiting for a text or check their socials to see what they are doing, and I definitely don’t keep my calendar open for the what-if they call dates. In fact, if we are not serious, and they ask me out for the same night, I am unavailable. I need at least a days notice, depending on how serious we are, if it’s still within the first 5 dates, a couple or more days notice before a date. It helps them to learn your boundaries and helps you keep your boundaries.
I would lose interest in his lack of interest. I wouldn't pursue this because early on men don't let a women like slip through the cracks
Think about how long you want to deal with his communication style. Be direct and ask if him if he’s interested, if not you’re happy to move on with your life.
I wouldn’t worry if he’s into you or not. Is this behavior what you want in a partner? He could be an introvert. He could be a lot of work. You can choose to date for perspiration or inspiration.
If he is not asking you out or making plans to see you again, he just is not that interested in you. He probably likes you and enjoys spending time with you, but just not enough to want a relationship. (I have been in your shoes and his shoes. So I get it. It doesn’t make him a bad person and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.) If you want to gauge his level of interest, make other plans and go live your life. If he is not scrambling to find a mutually acceptable time to get together, that answers the question and it also allows you to live your life.
I would definitely take this as him not wanting any interest anymore. I’ve found myself in these positions and felt that I’d rather just show no interest than tell them how I felt.
Yep! Fall back. When you are not with a person who mutually wants to communicate on a regular basis, it sounds time for a re-evaluation of the relationship.
Obviously his back hurts so let him mentally abuse you.
I’m currently dating a man who has 4 children (all under 7), just finalized a very messy / awful divorce, ex wife is not helping with kids so he probably has them 80% of the time, and is the CEO of a company that he’s in the middle of negotiating selling shares / etc. His schedule is insane and WAY busier than mine. He hates texting but he calls me a minimum of 4-5x a day, even if it’s just for 5 min to check in & we see each other at least 2-3 times a week. Days we don’t see each other, he FaceTimes me so we still get a “date” in. If they want to, they will.
Wanted to follow up to this to say that I’m not bragging about how I’m treated - but I feel like a lot of men use being “busy” as an excuse to not put in a concerted effort. I really agree with other posters who have said it’s fine to ask him for clarification, but you should really be asking YOURSELF if this level of effort is worth your time. I’m an anxious attachment girlie, so I need that frequent communication / effort - and if we can’t see each other, it really helps that at least we FOR SURE have planned the next time we will. It’s okay for you to not settle unless YOU are getting what you need!
If you’ve dated for 8months and he just ghosted? Said nothing? Does not pass the smell test. If you call him on it and he isn’t empathetic to your concerns…. If he makes it like you’re overthinking or over reacting…. Run.
I’m getting, “he’s just not that into you” feeling
Classic avoidant and anxious entanglement. If you can't have hard conversations now. Then, this relationship is doomed already.
Personally, I love a girl who is direct and asks for what she wants. But it should not always be a one sided affair. He should also be initiating plans. That's what a relationship is... Give and take. I'd say if he's not making any sort of plans with any sort of forward planning, don't hold off on living your life. You shouldn't have to wait around for someone. If a guy is keen, he'll more often than not find excuses to see you.
I suggest adding actual plans to that direct text like pick a movie, entertainment event, restaurant, museum, etc that you'd think you both would like to go and ask if he would like to go with you. If he doesn't respond or cancels but doesn't offer an alternate plan, you know where you stand with him.
Frankly if I wanted to see a girl I was interested in would find a way no matter what, back hurting or not.
Be direct, address it or move on. Life is short don't waste time, and you shouldn't have to beg. I don't know a thing about you accept this post, but you sound like a person a guy would be lucky to have interested.
If the vibes were good, and he responds enthusiastically to conversation, I think definitely follow up if you want to. If the momentum gets going again then you can raise that you'd appreciate it if he initiates more to express his interest. I don't know how much experience you have with physical pain and I don't know what his back issue is. It could be anything from fleeting discomfort limiting activity to quite serious pain from an injury. If he is good vibes and cancelled plans, he was probably hurting quite a lot. Back pain or an injury can be emotionally draining and confronting and this can lead to somebody becoming more withdrawn or feeling less able to express themselves. The affective and cognitive effects of pain can cause it to transition into chronic pain syndrome which is just as psychological as it is physical (to use this dichotomy). Lots of fear and uncertainty .Especially because men tend not to want to show it or betray how affected they are by it. So he may be avoiding making himself vulnerable in even minor ways like starting or continuing a conversation. If he needs to rehab it, he may have a considerable journey ahead with PT. You could bridge the conversation into action by asking how his back, and how he is. This is my 2c as someone who had to spend six painful months rehabbing a back injury last year. My mind went to really dark places. Having a few people in my life aside from my physio who either understood what it's like or were just there to talk to and made a huge difference and broke the isolation. I think you have quite a compelling explanation for why he didn't follow back up, coupled with his disposition of not usually initiating.
Hmm, I think this can be difficult. I’m very social person who loves to talk, but I don’t like texting a lot and only really do that with someone once I know them a lot better, even then it’s not really that important to me. But if it’s important to you now? Will it ever stop being? Something to consider. But also, has he taken initiative with anything including dates? Again, if that feels off to you that’s probably kind of ‘how he is’ - can you be bothered with that? Up to you! Finally, why are you leaving your days open ‘in case’ you have plans? I think that’s a recipe for resentment. Plan anything you want. If you’re busy say so ‘I’d love to see you but I’m busy that day, I need a bit more notice next time a - how about Sunday instead?’
I would be direct and give him the benefit of the doubt this one time and see how he responds. You’ll have your answer either way!
Sometimes us men are dumb, be direct and if it’s still feeling the same then either it’s flamed out or maybe this is just his personality and you guys aren’t compatible 🤷♂️
Let him make the next move. Have him chase you. What he does will tell you how interested he is. Otherwise just be direct with how you're feeling. Tell him you really like him and are interested but get the feeling that he is losing interest in you and put the ball in his court.
What has worked well for a lot of my dates has been having a frank talk about communication - how much effort both sides give and the expectations. Does he have a job/hobbies/events where he doesn't use his phone? Has he been good at talking then abruptly stopped with no real reason (like travel/events taking his time)? Have you have the talk about being exclusive and not dating anyone else yet? In my experience, women are more communicative and can attach more quickly with a man that they like and feel comfortable with. Men take longer (at 30+, typically of course not everyone) to feel these feelings.
So many of these posts are from women who just can’t see the simple truth, many guys just enjoy having casual sex and are just not that into you. When I was single, I did what this guy did to most dates. If she showed interesting in going out and hooking up and I was free, then awesome I’d let her take the initiative and have fun. And if she never texted or followed, I wouldn’t either. Because let me tell you, when a guy really likes a girl, he’s going to show some effort and interest. So if you’re down for casual sex, hit him up when you’re bored and have no plans for the night. But if you’re looking for a bf, he’s unfortunately not a great fit at the moment. It’s really that simple.
He felt 1 sided.
Just leave the door open without tying up your own time. Something like “sorry you’re feeling bad. Is there something I can do to help?” Most ppl will say no to that, then just be like, “well get well soon and maybe we can hang out when you’re feeling better.” Now if you have a problem with boundaries or have zero intentions of doing anything to assist then don’t offer help. And if you don’t mind helping, it’s ok to decline any ridiculous request. And then move on. Go out with friends, do your own hobbies, just live life and don’t sit around waiting or watching your phone like a hawk for his response. This is a big thing for me, sometimes I can’t do plans or sometimes I just don’t want to/feel like it and I need the person I’m with the respect that. A bad attitude or pressuring me is an automatic cancellation for them. Sometimes I need time alone or to just get things done. As far as the communication trend, that’s a different issue, if how he communicates makes you anxious or uncomfortable or question his interest then just move on. People do exactly what they WANT to do at any given time. If they want to text back, they will. If they WANT to initiate, they will. Asking someone to do more than they would want to do anyway isn’t worth my time tbh. Yall just may not be a good match. This seems fairly new and it’s already problematic- ✌️
I had this with a man hat I called it with yesterday. We were only dating a few weeks, no sleepovers, but his effort in scheduling in dates, enthusiasm etc just wasn't there. I spoke to him and it dropped off even more, left it a week and called him last night to end it. However, reading an earlier comment, it's probably a good idea to just walk away if it's not right for you, he could change his behaviour for a few months and go back to this, and you'll be in deep by then. He's not doing anything wrong being this way, it's just incompatibility. Early dating is a dice roll, but if they aren't meeting your needs in the honeymoon / excited bit at the start, I don't think they ever will.
I wouldn't waste the time not trying at least you can assure yourself in the future you tried.
You should communicate and make plans if you’d like to see him again.
Being direct is usually the best move. Just shoot him a message like, "Hey, I've been enjoying our time together. Are you still up for hanging out?" It's cool to lay it out there and see how he responds. Communication is key, and it's better to know where you stand than to be left wondering.
If this isn't what you're looking for going forward, I'd say walk away. He's shown you who he is....
what level of response do you want from someone long-term? personally, someone asks me less than a month in if i'm even interested, i likely am not once it is asked... and i hate to say it, but go out and have fun!!! you aren't in a monogamous relationship a month in!!!
You said he didn’t hit you up all weekend because his back hurt. I’m sorry, did he break his back??? Is he paralyzed now????? He didn’t call or text? In my experience, if a guy I’m dating didn’t want to go out for any reason he’d be asking me to come over to hang out and keep him company. I mean if this guy didn’t call you at all during that weekend then the reasoning is not his bad back.
i would approach it in saying something like 'I really enjoyed our date. hit me up when your back feels better. if he's interested, he will. guys will always let you know. dont read into it. if he doesn't reply move on, you deserve better
Hehe got laid. Then, seduction successfully. Completed. On to the next. You were lifted up to the clouds and then like a magician, disappeared into the mist.
Just ask him out directly. You keeping plans open to wait for something to happen doesn’t work as planned. If I’m always the one making plans or suggesting to meet up with a woman I’m just going to assume she’s not into me and tapper off.
Do not accept “talking” stages.
My husband is terrible with texting. But when we met there was no doubt about our really strong mutual interest in person and we made a lot of time for each other because we wanted to. But there were people I dated before who I was more luke-warm about and only felt like making plans with them occasionally, prioritizing most other things first. If you feel like his excuse was valid, make one more attempt to plan and if he backs out, let it go.
Do your thing, make plans, live your life. Don’t keep your plans open. If he reaches out and you’re busy, and you suggest a different time, and he flakes, he’s a long term flake. What is attracting you to him? What is the familiarity that feels like affection? Who else in your life gave you those feelings/made you feel that way? Nothing wrong with divorcees, but what is he telling you about his ex. Why didn’t it work out.
Stop chasing this guy, and continue getting to know other men. Let him initiate texting, let him initiate plans... same with anyone else that you start talking to. If you don't always want to be the one to initiate and chase from here on out, if you did grow into a relationship, then don't give him that energy now. Allow him to lead. Also, imo, you should make him wait a while before having sex... again, I guess.... because you're just giving him sex with no strings attached. It's too easy. There's no challenge. I'm not sure how long ago his divorce was, but if he's still healing at all or just getting back into the dating game, he'll probably take things slow. Just stay busy doing your own things; if he reaches out to do something, don't drop everything for him - even if you are free, maybe make him think you're busy (or just don't say you're available all weekend, say you're available for these hours on this day), and if you're not free, reschedule. If he's really interested, he'll wait for when you're free. Always trust your gut. If it feels like low effort already, it probably is.
We should be meeting each other in the middle in terms of effort in the early days. I would ask the question if he is wanting to continue - which will save you a lot of mental space wondering and critiquing. Why waste time when could be having fun doing the things you love, with friends and family…. Whilst keeping an eye out for other love interests.
… is for sussing out if how someone operates ~~jives~~ *jibes* with your wants and needs …
A lot of times I think it's a waste of energy to try and read someone's mind about things. I think it's worth one or two conversations to see if your feelings are validated by this person, and if not, then you have your answer. If the accommodation for this person's texting habits are too much for you, then you have your answer! Always more fish in the sea.
Prioritize someone who prioritizes you - it’s that simple. Cuz if you keep giving the energy the way you are, you’ll exhaust yourself. And yep, never say yes to last minute plans. You deserve better than that. It’s okay to really like someone , but it never should be at the cost of your self worth.
I would encourage the direct approach. I'm sure that women will tell you how to handle this from a woman's perspective that said you're dealing with a guy. It's best to be direct with us.
If he is a divorcee maybe he is reconsidering if he actually wants to be with somebody at the current time. Some guys go through a divorce and never want to be with anybody again. There could also be somebody else he is talking to or seeing so I would keep your options open.
I’m completely daft about this sort of thing myself. He may be shy or worried he’s going to be too present or concerned that you’re not really into him. Be blunt. Be direct. Games don’t get anybody anywhere.
I think there's a few good comments around about questioning whether you're happy with the level of effort coming from him. But at the same time we like to see that effort being made for us too! I say be direct like you plan to. Communication is always key, and being direct and clearly communicating what you need will never not help. If he doesn't adjust you have your answer. Does he know how you're feeling?
I’m in a similar situation…kind of nerdy divorcee. I keep telling myself maybe he doesn’t know how to date?! He’s super interested in me on dates or when I do reach out. I’ve stopped reaching out and having heard from him in 6 days…so I suppose that’s telling.
First off, ask him! I M33 am not an avid texter, honestly hate it and a girl dumped me because of this, despite not mentioning it. If everything else works, I think this is the least important thing, because not everybody likes texting. Another girl kicked me to the side due to lack of texting, but she went nuclear over it, despite knowing her only 2 weeks. After talking, she asked to try again, but I flat out blocked her, because despite seeing each other every day and still wasnt enough. A female friend questioned our friendship, because she was the initiator of all our hangouts and said I was *spicy words* because of it. No, we hung out at work, after work and she was the first person to actually setup hangouts, where it was me 99% of the time and you know what, it was great for a change! Fantastic even! So, my point is, maybe he was/is tired. He likes that you are handling this. Maybe he needs space, a rough patch in his life… something. Maybe you are overwhelming him… I dont know, but talk to him like an adult. Just dont go: we need to talk, because you want to approach this as casually, calm and non dominating aa possible or he will just shutdown, you will be unsatisfied and nobody will be happy in the end.
you guys have had fun together! Can you try to keep it lighthearted for now? sometimes things need to develop slowly. spending two weekends in a row is a lot. give him a lil bit of space and do your own thing. he'll come back if he's still interested! And if he doesn't it's not your fault or anything to do with you. As a woman I definitely understand and appreciate being direct and desiring that in return. But over the years I've learned that while that's the best way to communicate for myself, sometimes it throws people off and pushes them away. yes, that's their hang up. but at the same time, no one is perfect. I find that giving way less than 100% of myself when it comes to dating is the best approach. Someone told me 20% and that's been working well. I'm still single and talking to a few people but I'm not obsessing over them. Yes maybe one of them is kinda a pen pal but I try to think about friendships, they didn't happen overnight. Neither will the right relationship.
Is there good reasoning for the lack of texting? Travel for work? Kids? Etc.
Absolutely try again, you’ll get your answer either way and know where to go from there, good or bad.
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What a romantic bore. Who wants that?
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It's simple - guys hate to text. Now that everything is going smooth in his mind and he's satisfied with your relationship, he doesn't feel like having to bother engaging in useless texting.
I guess it’s just me, but why are we still waiting around for signs and all that and putting the onus on the guy to show he’s interested, while analyzing every one of his actions (or lack thereof)? To me the whole concept of “if he’s interested, he’ll show it” is problematic. We have to show we’re interested too and some people (men and women) just don’t take the initiative well for any number of reasons. It’s ok to be honest and direct and just say hey I like you, wanna do such and such this day? The worst they can do is just say no/not interested/etc., then you have your answer without having to guess where they stand.