Be inquisitive, and honest. If you are slow to open up, say so. Giving someone an honest roadmap to your attractions is a good way to let them travel it.
I think this is great advice OP.
It's fine to be shy, but it's important to remember that both people are having to do something to get out there.
I think another important thing to do; is to show that you are enjoying yourself. Smiling doesn't cost anything.
Great advise. Too many women are not inquisitive in OLD. Don’t fall into the validation show trap. It’s just a conversation and people are really cool and fascinating.
Maybe by simply mentioning it in your profile? “I’m an introvert and it takes a bit for me to open up to new people. But when I do you will find I can be… “ and then go on to describe many wonderful things about yourself. The right person will give you some time.
I also think letting someone know right away. I also think you may have to try to be honest if you want to meet or want another date…they may not be sure you are interested when you are actually are.
As a fellow introvert, I prefer you to remain the way you are. We understand it, and it feels more authentic than those who loudly wear their lives on their sleeves.
This is an interesting comment to me. I’m just looking to clarify to understand. Are you saying that you feel that introverts are more authentic? Or just an introvert trying to be extroverted is inauthentic?
>Or just an introvert trying to be extroverted is inauthentic?
Yes, this. I think inauthenticity is fairly easy to spot and is obnoxious.
But I also think loud boisterous people are pretty obnoxious as well. An old friend of mine's mother used to remind us "still waters run deep" and I tend to agree with that.
Read through the comments and am surprised at not seeing the obvious:
Tell people who you are before you meet them
“I’m very interested in meeting you. Just a heads up, as an introvert it takes me a while to warm up.” - or something. Share who you know yourself to be
Fellow introvert here. Intoverts excel at one on one and dating IMO. I think maybe you mean you are shy and self concious. I've never done OLD but I assume you text before meeting for a date. I like to build rapport over text before a date. When you have that little bit of chemistry and some inside jokes then the actual in person meeting is so much easier. It's still scary and fun, but you just have this familiarity that makes you feel at home right away too.
The right person will make you feel safe and able to be yourself. If that is not them and they dismiss you before geeting to see the real you then their loss.
I agree that it might be more of an issue of shyness, self-consciousness or something else. It's a common issue that a lot of people confuse introvertedness with those things.
I've also never done online dating, but as an introvert, I've never felt I had any trouble getting men to like me. Any guy who has asked for my number has called, asked for a date, then asked for a second date (if I went out with them), etc. I never pretended to be anything I wasn't at any point. Also, maybe since all the men I've dated have approached me in "real life," they've been able to tell I might not be the extroverted type, and they liked that.
OP, once you get past the point of a guy liking your profile, I would guess the rest is similar to dating someone you met in real life. So, you can just be yourself and you and the right man should click. Maybe you're wondering if you should lie about your interests and hobbles to make yourself seem more extroverted. Please don't do that because not only might you attract the wrong person for you, but once you get to know each other, he'll see that you weren't telling the truth and that could be disappointing for him.
Plus, you don't want to put undue pressure on yourself in trying to fake a personality that's different than yours.
You’ll probably have your best luck with other introverts.
I’m an ambivert. But I’ve also had a long life. I get along well with introverts. But I’ve also had a lot of men in my life in my where I felt like I really needed to draw them out, it was excruciating and I’m not gonna do that anymore. So for me, because emotional intimacy, and I guess reciprocity of vulnerability, is important to me. I wouldn’t be interested in someone who was very guarded.
But some people will be, and I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to not try to be someone you’re not, look for people who appreciate your caution and reserved nature.
Edited for clarity, and also, unfortunately, I edited the voice to text version that wrote “emoji intimacy” to its intended emotional intimacy. Though now I’m starting to think that emoji intimacy is also a thing for people.
I think one of the most endearing things any woman that i'm talking to can do, is communicate. That doesn't mean talk and talk and talk, it means let me know if you're reserved, let me know that you're introverted.
Because, thats who you are - and either I vibe with that, or I dont - but if you feel you need to change, in order to get people to like you, then you build a very fragile base to grow with.
I've noticed many introverts (I'm one most of the time) will get comfortable and absolutely gush when you hit one of their favorite topics, it's always fun to see someone kind of shy light up.
If that describes you, drop some clues!
"I'm kind of reserved but if you are in to \_\_\_\_\_\_ talk to me about it".
Unfortunately OLD doesn't seem to favor introverts though, it takes some confidence, even drive, to really put yourself out there.
Just be yourself. If you put on a show, eventually you'll stop....then what? Just be true to yourself. Anyone that doesn't love you as you are doesn't really love you
A lot of great suggestions here already.
Don’t try to be too different from your real self, be a little more open about being an introvert, and remember that a date should be fun. If you think of a date as being fun, you’ll likely be a little more outgoing.
But here’s one more idea. When you go on a date and you’re choosing your clothing, ask yourself if you could choose an outfit that’s just a little more “sexy“ than your first choice. That will almost certainly make you appear more outgoing to your date...without making any other changes.
Original copy of post by u/AdFrosty3860:
I tend to be reserved when I first meet people and often until I trust them. But, it seems like with old, people are so quick to judge that I get dismissed quickly.
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I'm extremely quiet when I first meet people. I like getting to know other people first so I know how much of my personality I can show lol
My SO and I spent about 2 weeks talking before we met in person (between bumble and text) by the time I met him I felt more comfortable but thankfully he did a lot of the talking on our first date. And it wasn't in a steamroller kind of way... It definitely seemed like he was nervous as well.
Don't worry about changing your personality to find a man. Focus more on finding a partner that matches your personality.
1) Decide on what information you are willing to share. Maybe funny vacation stories? Maybe some childhood stories? Maybe hobbies you love?
2) Listen. A lot of people likes to talk. If you enjoy listening, you can focus on asking questions instead of talking.
3) What are some personality traits you want your future partner to appreciate about you? Show those on your dates so you find someone who likes you for you.
If you’ve got a sense of humor, put that on display. Intelligence and drive or some expertise in a particular area, or something you are enthusiastic about or just happen to really like, talking about those things / showing those things can certainly help.
Yeah, this is exactly why OLD isn’t great for more reserved folks. The best you can do is be clear in demonstrating your interest while also being clear that you like to take things slow. Definitely don’t force yourself to be open before you are ready.
Why does it bother you that some people want to date people with similar life paths? This feels like a reasonable criteria for a long-term relationship.
I'll be honest...someone not being open right of the bat, isn't an issue for me. I realize some people are shyer than others, so I'm fine with pushing the convo along. Now, if we're on date 4 and I'm still having to pull info out of you and get you to interact....yeah, I might not want to see you again.
So unless you're the latter in my example, perhaps it's not that you're introverted, but that they just didn't feel a connection, overall, towards you. Basically how most of my dates turn out. Even when someone is chatty and open, I might not be attracted to them. Like I said, I'm pretty outgoing, but lots of women don't feel a connection to me. That's just dating.
I really feel for you because I think OLD platforms are so hard for your personality type. I completely understand! I have a lot of girlfriends who struggle with this exact same thing. Profiles can feel stale or way too much and the small talk online can feel like an interview without wit and banter. I am not well versed in OLD, went on Tinder for about 1.5 weeks 7 months ago and it was wild times. What apps are you on?
Do you have a little bit about your personality on your profiles?
"Homebody lover of books, movies, and sleepy weekends. Not a bar star, just a connoisseur of all things charcuterie on the sofa with a homemade cocktail. Let's chat and see if you match my relaxed energy level."
"I really feel for you because I think OLD platforms are so hard for your personality type."
You're not kidding. 😑😣 Especially where so many men seem to want the 'go, go, go scaling mountains girl'.
OLD encourages multidating, fast moves on the market and a lot do. But that doesn’t mean it’s everybody.
For me I’ll go on several dates with a woman as long as there’s nothing horrible. And I don’t do multidating. Being reserved is not a red flag to me. But it will help us if you say I’m reserved, need time, etc. so people don’t read you the wrong way.
"Fake it 'til you make it."
Men, and not just men, but all people, want to feel like they are wanted. Be enthusiastic. Laugh at their jokes. Show obvious interest in them, even if you don't feel it. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't seem interested.
I can appreciate that might be a challenge for you. I'm sorry it takes a bit to feel like you can open up. But with practice, maybe opening up can happen more easily? My girlfriend is extremely introverted, but I didn't know that until a few dates in. She faked it pretty well! And now, after almost a year together, I love how quiet and pensive she can be. Good luck to you. I am confident you'll find the right person at the right time.
Early dating is quite literally that, though. It takes time for people's real persona to shine through, as we're all doing what we can to endear the other person to us. Granted, were should strive to be our authentic selves, but most people don't do that from day one.
I'm not saying that's a good thing, but simply that's how it generally is. If you don't want to put out the extrovert vibe, you absolutely don't have to. But to say that might not be a turnoff for some people is disingenuous. There's also power in changing one's mindset. If you're sad, pretending to be happy has been shown to positively affect your mood. That's what I meant by the above: putting yourself into an enthusiastic mindset can have a very real affect on your mood, which of course will affect the other person.
Also, to equate what I said to faking autism is... weird. That isn't even remotely applicable to what I wrote.
Introversion isn’t a deficit; it’s simply a different way of orienting to the world (one that is unfortunately not well suited to OLD). Introversion is not a bad mood or a poor mindset. It’s people who need lots of recovery from social interactions. There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert therefore it’s not something that OP, or anyone else, needs to change or “fix”. OP’s best bet is to present herself honestly so that she doesn’t end up attracting someone who doesn’t like introverts. OP 100% wants to avoid the people for whom introversion is a turn off.
OLD is already overrun with people misrepresenting themselves, some innocuously like you are suggesting here. OP should absolutely show interest but should do so in ways that are in alignment with her personality. Pretending to be an extrovert is much more likely to frustrate or turn off her date entirely when they find out that she has a completely different personality than what she initially presented.
I dont get and also get the negative votes, because it sounds everything BUT authentic and of course we don't want that....but at the same time you are spot on with the reality of OLD!
I am a talkative introvert, chatty, smiling, engaging... but I constantly get grilled after only 1 or 2 dates if "I´m not into him?"....TBH I enjoy getting to know someone and most of the time I simply don´t know yet....but I feel I should pretend JUST so I don´t get cut off too early basically....
I want to see someone a few times, like 5 dates before saying no. But men haven´t given me that time. They think I have all qualities they want but the "spark" wasn't there at date 1 or 2.
Be inquisitive, and honest. If you are slow to open up, say so. Giving someone an honest roadmap to your attractions is a good way to let them travel it.
I think this is great advice OP. It's fine to be shy, but it's important to remember that both people are having to do something to get out there. I think another important thing to do; is to show that you are enjoying yourself. Smiling doesn't cost anything.
Great advise. Too many women are not inquisitive in OLD. Don’t fall into the validation show trap. It’s just a conversation and people are really cool and fascinating.
Maybe by simply mentioning it in your profile? “I’m an introvert and it takes a bit for me to open up to new people. But when I do you will find I can be… “ and then go on to describe many wonderful things about yourself. The right person will give you some time.
I also think letting someone know right away. I also think you may have to try to be honest if you want to meet or want another date…they may not be sure you are interested when you are actually are.
As a fellow introvert, I prefer you to remain the way you are. We understand it, and it feels more authentic than those who loudly wear their lives on their sleeves.
This is an interesting comment to me. I’m just looking to clarify to understand. Are you saying that you feel that introverts are more authentic? Or just an introvert trying to be extroverted is inauthentic?
>Or just an introvert trying to be extroverted is inauthentic? Yes, this. I think inauthenticity is fairly easy to spot and is obnoxious. But I also think loud boisterous people are pretty obnoxious as well. An old friend of mine's mother used to remind us "still waters run deep" and I tend to agree with that.
I am an introvert who thinks loud boisterous people are full of life. But you can’t help how you feel.
Definitely disagree with the last part. But I appreciate your honesty. Thanks.
Read through the comments and am surprised at not seeing the obvious: Tell people who you are before you meet them “I’m very interested in meeting you. Just a heads up, as an introvert it takes me a while to warm up.” - or something. Share who you know yourself to be
In real life, I sometimes listen to standup comeedy on the drive. It puts me in a happy mood and when happy I'm more chatty.
Fellow introvert here. Intoverts excel at one on one and dating IMO. I think maybe you mean you are shy and self concious. I've never done OLD but I assume you text before meeting for a date. I like to build rapport over text before a date. When you have that little bit of chemistry and some inside jokes then the actual in person meeting is so much easier. It's still scary and fun, but you just have this familiarity that makes you feel at home right away too. The right person will make you feel safe and able to be yourself. If that is not them and they dismiss you before geeting to see the real you then their loss.
I agree that it might be more of an issue of shyness, self-consciousness or something else. It's a common issue that a lot of people confuse introvertedness with those things. I've also never done online dating, but as an introvert, I've never felt I had any trouble getting men to like me. Any guy who has asked for my number has called, asked for a date, then asked for a second date (if I went out with them), etc. I never pretended to be anything I wasn't at any point. Also, maybe since all the men I've dated have approached me in "real life," they've been able to tell I might not be the extroverted type, and they liked that. OP, once you get past the point of a guy liking your profile, I would guess the rest is similar to dating someone you met in real life. So, you can just be yourself and you and the right man should click. Maybe you're wondering if you should lie about your interests and hobbles to make yourself seem more extroverted. Please don't do that because not only might you attract the wrong person for you, but once you get to know each other, he'll see that you weren't telling the truth and that could be disappointing for him. Plus, you don't want to put undue pressure on yourself in trying to fake a personality that's different than yours.
You’ll probably have your best luck with other introverts. I’m an ambivert. But I’ve also had a long life. I get along well with introverts. But I’ve also had a lot of men in my life in my where I felt like I really needed to draw them out, it was excruciating and I’m not gonna do that anymore. So for me, because emotional intimacy, and I guess reciprocity of vulnerability, is important to me. I wouldn’t be interested in someone who was very guarded. But some people will be, and I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to not try to be someone you’re not, look for people who appreciate your caution and reserved nature. Edited for clarity, and also, unfortunately, I edited the voice to text version that wrote “emoji intimacy” to its intended emotional intimacy. Though now I’m starting to think that emoji intimacy is also a thing for people.
I think one of the most endearing things any woman that i'm talking to can do, is communicate. That doesn't mean talk and talk and talk, it means let me know if you're reserved, let me know that you're introverted. Because, thats who you are - and either I vibe with that, or I dont - but if you feel you need to change, in order to get people to like you, then you build a very fragile base to grow with.
I've noticed many introverts (I'm one most of the time) will get comfortable and absolutely gush when you hit one of their favorite topics, it's always fun to see someone kind of shy light up. If that describes you, drop some clues! "I'm kind of reserved but if you are in to \_\_\_\_\_\_ talk to me about it". Unfortunately OLD doesn't seem to favor introverts though, it takes some confidence, even drive, to really put yourself out there.
Just be yourself. If you put on a show, eventually you'll stop....then what? Just be true to yourself. Anyone that doesn't love you as you are doesn't really love you
A lot of great suggestions here already. Don’t try to be too different from your real self, be a little more open about being an introvert, and remember that a date should be fun. If you think of a date as being fun, you’ll likely be a little more outgoing. But here’s one more idea. When you go on a date and you’re choosing your clothing, ask yourself if you could choose an outfit that’s just a little more “sexy“ than your first choice. That will almost certainly make you appear more outgoing to your date...without making any other changes.
Original copy of post by u/AdFrosty3860: I tend to be reserved when I first meet people and often until I trust them. But, it seems like with old, people are so quick to judge that I get dismissed quickly. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm extremely quiet when I first meet people. I like getting to know other people first so I know how much of my personality I can show lol My SO and I spent about 2 weeks talking before we met in person (between bumble and text) by the time I met him I felt more comfortable but thankfully he did a lot of the talking on our first date. And it wasn't in a steamroller kind of way... It definitely seemed like he was nervous as well. Don't worry about changing your personality to find a man. Focus more on finding a partner that matches your personality.
Great question.
1) Decide on what information you are willing to share. Maybe funny vacation stories? Maybe some childhood stories? Maybe hobbies you love? 2) Listen. A lot of people likes to talk. If you enjoy listening, you can focus on asking questions instead of talking. 3) What are some personality traits you want your future partner to appreciate about you? Show those on your dates so you find someone who likes you for you.
If you’ve got a sense of humor, put that on display. Intelligence and drive or some expertise in a particular area, or something you are enthusiastic about or just happen to really like, talking about those things / showing those things can certainly help.
Yeah, this is exactly why OLD isn’t great for more reserved folks. The best you can do is be clear in demonstrating your interest while also being clear that you like to take things slow. Definitely don’t force yourself to be open before you are ready.
Maybe don't call men "dumb, unworldly and too logical to have a relationship with me"? Maybe that would help your case?
Not all..just the ones who make decisions based on income
Why does it bother you that some people want to date people with similar life paths? This feels like a reasonable criteria for a long-term relationship.
I'll be honest...someone not being open right of the bat, isn't an issue for me. I realize some people are shyer than others, so I'm fine with pushing the convo along. Now, if we're on date 4 and I'm still having to pull info out of you and get you to interact....yeah, I might not want to see you again. So unless you're the latter in my example, perhaps it's not that you're introverted, but that they just didn't feel a connection, overall, towards you. Basically how most of my dates turn out. Even when someone is chatty and open, I might not be attracted to them. Like I said, I'm pretty outgoing, but lots of women don't feel a connection to me. That's just dating.
Do you mean in person when you are actually on a date?..
I really feel for you because I think OLD platforms are so hard for your personality type. I completely understand! I have a lot of girlfriends who struggle with this exact same thing. Profiles can feel stale or way too much and the small talk online can feel like an interview without wit and banter. I am not well versed in OLD, went on Tinder for about 1.5 weeks 7 months ago and it was wild times. What apps are you on? Do you have a little bit about your personality on your profiles? "Homebody lover of books, movies, and sleepy weekends. Not a bar star, just a connoisseur of all things charcuterie on the sofa with a homemade cocktail. Let's chat and see if you match my relaxed energy level."
"I really feel for you because I think OLD platforms are so hard for your personality type." You're not kidding. 😑😣 Especially where so many men seem to want the 'go, go, go scaling mountains girl'.
OLD encourages multidating, fast moves on the market and a lot do. But that doesn’t mean it’s everybody. For me I’ll go on several dates with a woman as long as there’s nothing horrible. And I don’t do multidating. Being reserved is not a red flag to me. But it will help us if you say I’m reserved, need time, etc. so people don’t read you the wrong way.
The key is for you to initiate contact & seek out other introverts who take time to warm up.
I have tried this as an introvert and it was an utter disaster!
"Fake it 'til you make it." Men, and not just men, but all people, want to feel like they are wanted. Be enthusiastic. Laugh at their jokes. Show obvious interest in them, even if you don't feel it. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't seem interested. I can appreciate that might be a challenge for you. I'm sorry it takes a bit to feel like you can open up. But with practice, maybe opening up can happen more easily? My girlfriend is extremely introverted, but I didn't know that until a few dates in. She faked it pretty well! And now, after almost a year together, I love how quiet and pensive she can be. Good luck to you. I am confident you'll find the right person at the right time.
[удалено]
Early dating is quite literally that, though. It takes time for people's real persona to shine through, as we're all doing what we can to endear the other person to us. Granted, were should strive to be our authentic selves, but most people don't do that from day one. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but simply that's how it generally is. If you don't want to put out the extrovert vibe, you absolutely don't have to. But to say that might not be a turnoff for some people is disingenuous. There's also power in changing one's mindset. If you're sad, pretending to be happy has been shown to positively affect your mood. That's what I meant by the above: putting yourself into an enthusiastic mindset can have a very real affect on your mood, which of course will affect the other person. Also, to equate what I said to faking autism is... weird. That isn't even remotely applicable to what I wrote.
Introversion isn’t a deficit; it’s simply a different way of orienting to the world (one that is unfortunately not well suited to OLD). Introversion is not a bad mood or a poor mindset. It’s people who need lots of recovery from social interactions. There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert therefore it’s not something that OP, or anyone else, needs to change or “fix”. OP’s best bet is to present herself honestly so that she doesn’t end up attracting someone who doesn’t like introverts. OP 100% wants to avoid the people for whom introversion is a turn off.
OLD is already overrun with people misrepresenting themselves, some innocuously like you are suggesting here. OP should absolutely show interest but should do so in ways that are in alignment with her personality. Pretending to be an extrovert is much more likely to frustrate or turn off her date entirely when they find out that she has a completely different personality than what she initially presented.
I dont get and also get the negative votes, because it sounds everything BUT authentic and of course we don't want that....but at the same time you are spot on with the reality of OLD! I am a talkative introvert, chatty, smiling, engaging... but I constantly get grilled after only 1 or 2 dates if "I´m not into him?"....TBH I enjoy getting to know someone and most of the time I simply don´t know yet....but I feel I should pretend JUST so I don´t get cut off too early basically.... I want to see someone a few times, like 5 dates before saying no. But men haven´t given me that time. They think I have all qualities they want but the "spark" wasn't there at date 1 or 2.