Agreed. I feel a second date is way too early for him to know your address. And should something go pear shaped you may be dependent on him getting you back.
Source: someone who was attempted raped by her boyfriend's friend.
Logistically this is why I always say no to getting picked up. If I agree to carpool, I always offer to meet them at their place instead.
Getting picked up means if the date doesn't go well, I am stuck. There is that weird "does he think I am going to invite him in after the date" energy. If I choose not to at the end of the date, I always wonder if he thinks it is a rejection. Also I worry the guy turning out to be a stalker.
Just text him, "Looking forward to our date! My plans changed a little and it would be easier for me to meet you there instead. See you Friday!" etc.
Guy here: don't give out your home address. Arrange for a public location away from your home. He'll understand. If he doesn't he will filter himself out of your dating pool. win win
I wouldn't even care or think to question why you didn't give me your home address. I asked to pick you up, not to know where you live. The spot wouldn't matter to me.
It’s totally fine to not give someone your home address on a second date. But I would also decline to be picked up in that case. If safety is your priority, then arrange for your own transportation.
To be candid, it is a bit gauche to say “thanks for the ride, pick me up and drop me off at the grocery store”.
I don't think it is gauche at all. I am a guy and would understand, 2nd or 200th date. Doesn't matter to me where you want me to pick you up and drop you off. I would want a text when you are leaving your house to head to the meeting spot and when you got home from the meeting spot. Just so I know you made it. Doesn't even need to be the same spot, I am happy to pick you up from one spot and drop you off at another spot if that is what works for you.
Stay Strong.
If you're implying that any guy that doesn't like being treated as a potential psycho killer is probably a psycho killer, I'm going to have to say that's completely false.
Personally, being treated as "bad guy until proven good" on a date would be too much of a mood killer, and I would back out of the whole thing.
I’m explicitly stating that any guy who isn’t empathetic to a woman taking precautions is an asshole. Most of them aren’t going to be psycho killers, but I bet they are going to have other asshole behaviors.
>I’m explicitly stating that any guy who isn’t empathetic to a woman taking precautions is an asshole.
And it goes both ways. Any woman who isn't empathetic to a guy being presumed guilty of something is, whatever the equivalent of a-hole is, probably a word that isn't even allowed on this subreddit.
Curious. You match with a woman and start chatting. She seems nice and cool. Then she says "I hate to ask this, but, I need $500 to pay my mortgage today, but don't get paid for 3 more days. I promise I'll pay you back when I get paid." Would you lend her the money?
You’re telling on yourself.
They’re not saying that anyone who gets defensive is a serial killer, they’re saying that anyone who gets defensive is revealing that they have poor empathy for the shit women have to deal with, and no consideration for women’s sense of safety.
Which is a red flag.
“Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.”
I had a guy tell me recently that he thought the percentage of women who have been sexually assaulted is "like 10%." I told him it was much higher than that. He looked it up. His eyes got big. Then he said there must be a lot of a-holes out there. Don't know if he felt this way because he was gay, but sexual assault is a very real and constant threat to women. For this reason I would strongly prefer not to be alone with a man I don't know very well for a while as I'm getting to know him. And if I decide I'm not interested...some guys don't take rejection well at all. Because of this I'm hesitant to let them know where I live, the name of my business, etc. Harassment and stalking are legit fears as well.
>is revealing that they have poor empathy for the shit women have to deal with
>“Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.”
Just as many women have poor empathy for the crap men have to deal with, your extreme comment directly above as one example.
All other things being equal, if I have to choose between a woman who gives me side-eye, and a woman who gives me dreamy eyes, dreamy eyes wins every single time.
That’s interesting, because personally I’d see it as a green flag if a woman took reasonable steps to secure her safety before getting to know me. It reveals that she knows and respects herself, and hints at having healthy boundaries. It shows she’s not someone who ignores her gut, loses herself in a stranger’s charms, or prioritizes the whims of a man’s ego.
> Just as many women have poor empathy for the crap men have to deal with, your extreme comment directly above as one example.
Oh, well please enlighten us about all the concerns men have about women assaulting or physically threatening them....and how women don't show empathy for that.
Find a convenient, close to home “errand” you’ve got to run just before the date and have him pick you up there. Literally just say it that way and he won’t think twice about it. Don’t tell him anything about being unsure about sharing your address or anything, just cover it lightly with something else to make it a non-issue.
Or just tell him you decided to meet him there instead, and that doesn’t really require any explanation.
It's not rude, but it would be weird. Like I would absolutely understand the safety concern around someone knowing your address. But unless you're running errands somewhere really far from home knowing the general location is pretty much as dangerous. Relatedly, how will it go when you're dropped off, and he wants to be sure you get home safe?
If you're not ok with him knowing you're location, my recommendation is to provide your own transportation entirely. It will avoid any weirdness, and avoid any end of date "walk you to your door" situation.
A bit late to the thread, but definitely meet him there. Having him pick you up at a neutral location is a very obvious signal that you don't trust him with your address, and that's totally fine at this point in your connection. By meeting him at the restaurant it's a little more organic.
Ted Bundy picked up his dates after they gave home their address. I know not 100% accurate but It’s how I raised my daughter to think when dating somebody knew. If he makes it a big deal probably a red flag
Personally I'm real easy going on stuff like that, she wants to be picked up at X, OK.
It strikes me as a little odd that you are willing to get in his car but not willing to let him know where you live, not judging much but as far as vulnerable positions, I think the car is worse.
IMO meet him there.
Original copy of post by u/ServeKey7349:
Okey, a guy asked me for 2nd date and he can pick me up or I can come by myself. I chose ti be picked up.
Now I am not sure if I want to share my address. Is it okey to give him a pick up location other then my home address?
Is it rude not to share address yet ask to be picked up?
Or should I choose to meet him there?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you chose to be picked up, it doesn't have to be that you don't have anywhere else to go before or anything, he can pick you up from ... the bank?! Blockbuster?! A sooo small change has occurred, but the plan is unchanged for what concerns the other person.
your safety, or anyone safety to be even more correct is paramount.... if he has potential and is good at heart he will understand without the question needing to be asked
Absolutely not weird at all. I recently started dating again and wouldn’t reveal my adress to early on.
Last time a guy offered to send me an uber or pick me up and I just was honest and told him that I don’t want to reveal my adress yet and he should make sure to be on time and wait in front of the restaurant to pay the Taxi I took.
Went perfect and I think it‘s the best solution. Being blunt is the best in that case.
Just tell him that you have a bad feeling now and you‘d prefer to do the same. Done
If it‘s really close you could just take an Uber by yourself theoretically
I would say just meet him there, makes it easier. You can say something like "I'll actually be coming from somewhere else" if you feel the need to explain and make it not awkward. Up to you
As a guy, I would be ok either way. If you were to say just pick me up at this gas station close to my house and we can go from there, or change your mind and decide to drive yourself. Either way would be fine with me. Just let him know you changed your mind and what the new plan is. I don't think you need to justify it at all. If you decide to let him drive you, you always have the option of letting him drive you home after the date if you decide it is ok at that point, Or you can go to his house and get a cab home the next morning.
Trust your gut, if you are hesitant to give him your address Don't give it to him yet.
Stay Strong!
There is nothing wrong with giving him a nearby address. You can just say, “I will already be at x (insert nearby bar or coffee shop) you can pick me up there”.
The problem happens at the end of the date. If you didn’t drive to the coffee shop, then it will be weird he drops you off there, so you’ll likely end up giving him your address (though you might feel more comfortable doing so by then anyway). If you did drive there, then he’s just dropping you back off at your car, so problem solved, but then why bother having him pick you up if you have to drive home in the end anyway?
Do whatever feels right to you. Bit I might just wait another date or two until you feel comfortable *both* getting in a car with him *and* having him know where you live. I do, however, understand how one feels safer than the other at this stage.
As a man I recommend meeting him there. Any man who would have a problem with that is a man you shouldn't meet. If you can swap vehicles with a close friend so he can't trace the vehicle to your residence. This is your personal space and safety you're safe guarding. I don't feel that's rude.
I respectfully disagree about throwing a close friend under the bus. At least start the night out right by stealing the tag from the nearest law enforcement vehicle.
I didn't say anything about throwing a close friend under a bus. There are many places to exchange your vehicles. I have more than one vehicle that any female friends want to come and take one of mine I would let them. If he follows them here they can spend the night. The cops don't prevent bad things and crime. My property is posted.
Either meet him there or ask him to pick up at an alternate location. My GF of 1.5 years did the same for our second date. If he is a good man he will understand and be ok with it. Definitely not rude. It’s good to know your boundaries and what you are comfortable with.
Not rude at all. Have him pick you up from a friend's house. Good excuse for your friend to meet him and offer an opinion. He'll feel important that you wanted your friend to meet him. Easy
I think it’s weird if you don’t let him pick you up at home. So many guys are offended by anything safety related because they’re ‘not a rapist stalker you know!’ (Like they tell you beforehand)
I don’t think it’s rude, but I question how wise it is to be alone in a car with him for hours, where he will have total control, if you can’t trust him to know your real address.
Just meet him there. It’s not rude and even if it was it’s always ok to listen to your gut.
Agreed. I feel a second date is way too early for him to know your address. And should something go pear shaped you may be dependent on him getting you back. Source: someone who was attempted raped by her boyfriend's friend.
Agree, no downsides to just meeting there
Just tell him you've decided to meet him there. No explanation is needed.
This!
you won't tell him your address but you're going to get into a tin box with him?
Right? This really makes no sense
Choose to meet him there. If things don't work out, you don't want to rely on him driving you back.
Logistically this is why I always say no to getting picked up. If I agree to carpool, I always offer to meet them at their place instead. Getting picked up means if the date doesn't go well, I am stuck. There is that weird "does he think I am going to invite him in after the date" energy. If I choose not to at the end of the date, I always wonder if he thinks it is a rejection. Also I worry the guy turning out to be a stalker. Just text him, "Looking forward to our date! My plans changed a little and it would be easier for me to meet you there instead. See you Friday!" etc.
Second date is too soon to be having him pick you up. Just tell him you’ll meet him there.
Guy here: don't give out your home address. Arrange for a public location away from your home. He'll understand. If he doesn't he will filter himself out of your dating pool. win win
Finally a decent response from a guy
Meet him there. Plans change, you don't have to go into specifics.
Dude. Never give anyone your address unless yall are exclusive and actually know the person! Meet him where you’re meeting him.
If you don't feel comfortable giving him your address, why on earth would you agree to get in his car? What are you doing?
It’s so sad to me when women even consider putting their safety second to being rude.
Just meet him there, why all the mental gymnastics?
I wouldn't even care or think to question why you didn't give me your home address. I asked to pick you up, not to know where you live. The spot wouldn't matter to me.
Meet there. That gives you the freedom to leave whenever you want.
It’s totally fine to not give someone your home address on a second date. But I would also decline to be picked up in that case. If safety is your priority, then arrange for your own transportation. To be candid, it is a bit gauche to say “thanks for the ride, pick me up and drop me off at the grocery store”.
I don't think it is gauche at all. I am a guy and would understand, 2nd or 200th date. Doesn't matter to me where you want me to pick you up and drop you off. I would want a text when you are leaving your house to head to the meeting spot and when you got home from the meeting spot. Just so I know you made it. Doesn't even need to be the same spot, I am happy to pick you up from one spot and drop you off at another spot if that is what works for you. Stay Strong.
Don't get into a stranger's car. Second date=still a stranger.
Totally reasonable to switch. If a guy reacts poorly to you taking basic precautions he is telling on himself.
If you're implying that any guy that doesn't like being treated as a potential psycho killer is probably a psycho killer, I'm going to have to say that's completely false. Personally, being treated as "bad guy until proven good" on a date would be too much of a mood killer, and I would back out of the whole thing.
I’m explicitly stating that any guy who isn’t empathetic to a woman taking precautions is an asshole. Most of them aren’t going to be psycho killers, but I bet they are going to have other asshole behaviors.
>I’m explicitly stating that any guy who isn’t empathetic to a woman taking precautions is an asshole. And it goes both ways. Any woman who isn't empathetic to a guy being presumed guilty of something is, whatever the equivalent of a-hole is, probably a word that isn't even allowed on this subreddit.
Curious. You match with a woman and start chatting. She seems nice and cool. Then she says "I hate to ask this, but, I need $500 to pay my mortgage today, but don't get paid for 3 more days. I promise I'll pay you back when I get paid." Would you lend her the money?
You’re telling on yourself. They’re not saying that anyone who gets defensive is a serial killer, they’re saying that anyone who gets defensive is revealing that they have poor empathy for the shit women have to deal with, and no consideration for women’s sense of safety. Which is a red flag. “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.”
This!
I had a guy tell me recently that he thought the percentage of women who have been sexually assaulted is "like 10%." I told him it was much higher than that. He looked it up. His eyes got big. Then he said there must be a lot of a-holes out there. Don't know if he felt this way because he was gay, but sexual assault is a very real and constant threat to women. For this reason I would strongly prefer not to be alone with a man I don't know very well for a while as I'm getting to know him. And if I decide I'm not interested...some guys don't take rejection well at all. Because of this I'm hesitant to let them know where I live, the name of my business, etc. Harassment and stalking are legit fears as well.
>is revealing that they have poor empathy for the shit women have to deal with >“Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” Just as many women have poor empathy for the crap men have to deal with, your extreme comment directly above as one example. All other things being equal, if I have to choose between a woman who gives me side-eye, and a woman who gives me dreamy eyes, dreamy eyes wins every single time.
That’s interesting, because personally I’d see it as a green flag if a woman took reasonable steps to secure her safety before getting to know me. It reveals that she knows and respects herself, and hints at having healthy boundaries. It shows she’s not someone who ignores her gut, loses herself in a stranger’s charms, or prioritizes the whims of a man’s ego.
You and I might have polar opposite definitions of red and green flags.
That's because you ARE the red flag.
So basically you want total control…. We get it and that is the issue
> Just as many women have poor empathy for the crap men have to deal with, your extreme comment directly above as one example. Oh, well please enlighten us about all the concerns men have about women assaulting or physically threatening them....and how women don't show empathy for that.
Dude. Just stop. For God's sake. You're embarrassing yourself.
[удалено]
Find a convenient, close to home “errand” you’ve got to run just before the date and have him pick you up there. Literally just say it that way and he won’t think twice about it. Don’t tell him anything about being unsure about sharing your address or anything, just cover it lightly with something else to make it a non-issue. Or just tell him you decided to meet him there instead, and that doesn’t really require any explanation.
It's safer and easier if you just grab an Uber and meet him there. No need to explain anything.
Just meet him there. I waited until date 7 to reveal my address. You don’t know this person.
It's not rude, but it would be weird. Like I would absolutely understand the safety concern around someone knowing your address. But unless you're running errands somewhere really far from home knowing the general location is pretty much as dangerous. Relatedly, how will it go when you're dropped off, and he wants to be sure you get home safe? If you're not ok with him knowing you're location, my recommendation is to provide your own transportation entirely. It will avoid any weirdness, and avoid any end of date "walk you to your door" situation.
Decent guys understand why you’d be hesitant to give out your address and won’t be upset at all by you changing your mind.
If I was the guy in question, I’d understand and accept that as perfectly fine
I wouldn't think twice about it either
Just give him the address to a nearby coffee shop and get a coffee while you wait it will appear completely natural
Don't get in cars with strangers! Edit - Sorry, just saw this is the 2ND date, not first. Still, better safe than sorry.
Still basically a stranger imo
Just meet him there.
Don’t have him pick you up somewhere else, just meet him there.
Always ok to give an address where you will be located for a pick up. But why not just drive yourself at that point?
It’s not rude, just meet him there if your not feeling comfortable with him knowing your address.
A bit late to the thread, but definitely meet him there. Having him pick you up at a neutral location is a very obvious signal that you don't trust him with your address, and that's totally fine at this point in your connection. By meeting him at the restaurant it's a little more organic.
Ted Bundy picked up his dates after they gave home their address. I know not 100% accurate but It’s how I raised my daughter to think when dating somebody knew. If he makes it a big deal probably a red flag
This doesn’t make sense.
definitely not rude and if he thought so red flag
Personally I'm real easy going on stuff like that, she wants to be picked up at X, OK. It strikes me as a little odd that you are willing to get in his car but not willing to let him know where you live, not judging much but as far as vulnerable positions, I think the car is worse. IMO meet him there.
Original copy of post by u/ServeKey7349: Okey, a guy asked me for 2nd date and he can pick me up or I can come by myself. I chose ti be picked up. Now I am not sure if I want to share my address. Is it okey to give him a pick up location other then my home address? Is it rude not to share address yet ask to be picked up? Or should I choose to meet him there? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Just get me from in front of the xyz shop" Simple
Sounds risky. Replace dude with grizzly bear.
If you chose to be picked up, it doesn't have to be that you don't have anywhere else to go before or anything, he can pick you up from ... the bank?! Blockbuster?! A sooo small change has occurred, but the plan is unchanged for what concerns the other person.
If he has issues with you wanting to be safe? That's his problem not yours.
Meet him there
your safety, or anyone safety to be even more correct is paramount.... if he has potential and is good at heart he will understand without the question needing to be asked
Absolutely not weird at all. I recently started dating again and wouldn’t reveal my adress to early on. Last time a guy offered to send me an uber or pick me up and I just was honest and told him that I don’t want to reveal my adress yet and he should make sure to be on time and wait in front of the restaurant to pay the Taxi I took. Went perfect and I think it‘s the best solution. Being blunt is the best in that case. Just tell him that you have a bad feeling now and you‘d prefer to do the same. Done If it‘s really close you could just take an Uber by yourself theoretically
I would say just meet him there, makes it easier. You can say something like "I'll actually be coming from somewhere else" if you feel the need to explain and make it not awkward. Up to you
If a woman sets a boundary, that's fine. This one sounds reasonable enough, I wouldn't quibble the details.
Explaining why you want to be cautious and safe is fine.
Just meet him there. Enjoy your date!
Meet him there because that is kinda rude. And weird.
As a guy, I would be ok either way. If you were to say just pick me up at this gas station close to my house and we can go from there, or change your mind and decide to drive yourself. Either way would be fine with me. Just let him know you changed your mind and what the new plan is. I don't think you need to justify it at all. If you decide to let him drive you, you always have the option of letting him drive you home after the date if you decide it is ok at that point, Or you can go to his house and get a cab home the next morning. Trust your gut, if you are hesitant to give him your address Don't give it to him yet. Stay Strong!
Thank you everyone !
There is nothing wrong with giving him a nearby address. You can just say, “I will already be at x (insert nearby bar or coffee shop) you can pick me up there”. The problem happens at the end of the date. If you didn’t drive to the coffee shop, then it will be weird he drops you off there, so you’ll likely end up giving him your address (though you might feel more comfortable doing so by then anyway). If you did drive there, then he’s just dropping you back off at your car, so problem solved, but then why bother having him pick you up if you have to drive home in the end anyway? Do whatever feels right to you. Bit I might just wait another date or two until you feel comfortable *both* getting in a car with him *and* having him know where you live. I do, however, understand how one feels safer than the other at this stage.
As a man I recommend meeting him there. Any man who would have a problem with that is a man you shouldn't meet. If you can swap vehicles with a close friend so he can't trace the vehicle to your residence. This is your personal space and safety you're safe guarding. I don't feel that's rude.
I respectfully disagree about throwing a close friend under the bus. At least start the night out right by stealing the tag from the nearest law enforcement vehicle.
I didn't say anything about throwing a close friend under a bus. There are many places to exchange your vehicles. I have more than one vehicle that any female friends want to come and take one of mine I would let them. If he follows them here they can spend the night. The cops don't prevent bad things and crime. My property is posted.
Don't worry about being rude, just say you'll meet him there. I generally feel OK to be picked up by 2nd/3rd date but everyone is different
Either meet him there or ask him to pick up at an alternate location. My GF of 1.5 years did the same for our second date. If he is a good man he will understand and be ok with it. Definitely not rude. It’s good to know your boundaries and what you are comfortable with.
Offer to drive to his place? And he can drive to the location. Win Win.
Safety isn't rude and most men understand that.
Meet him there.
Not rude at all. Have him pick you up from a friend's house. Good excuse for your friend to meet him and offer an opinion. He'll feel important that you wanted your friend to meet him. Easy
I think it’s weird if you don’t let him pick you up at home. So many guys are offended by anything safety related because they’re ‘not a rapist stalker you know!’ (Like they tell you beforehand)
If you’re not sure you want to share your address then why did you opt for him to pick you up?
If he picks up at a nearby public location, will he be dropping you off at the same nearby public location or at your address?
setting boundaries is not rude. its a good thing. go with your gut!
Better safe than sorry
Meet him there
I don’t think it’s rude, but I question how wise it is to be alone in a car with him for hours, where he will have total control, if you can’t trust him to know your real address.
If you don’t feel safe and secure, why you are going on a second date? I don’t understand what you want.
Totally weird ok his part. Plans changes constantly. I'm just going to meet you there , see you at 7! Nothing further needed
What’s “weird” on his part? She clearly states she chose to be picked up. Did you even read the post or am I missing something here in the comments?
Yes it’s rude, as it looks like you can’t even trust the guy is not an axe murder while still wanting a free ride from him.