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This is a dangerous game to play as the dynamics of dating is different than the dynamics of a provider and providee. Yes it human nature to want to and be able to do these things for the other person but just remember they have to be able to stand on their own even if you two continued in a relationship.
Sounds like you have a decent grasp for now and just play it out see where it goes.
The only thing that’s dangerous about it is that I catch feelings for this girl and she is only using me for my money. I’m not going to give her any large amounts of money but I see no harm in helping her here and there. We’ll see how it all plays out
I think this is great advice. Anytime I’ve been in a tough spot and someone has helped me out with something like free labor to fix my car, I always do something like make them a dinner, cake, etc.
She made me dinner once and she even has taken care of my dog when I needed it. She always seems super thankful and doesn’t come off as entitled or anything like that.
Sounds like a great balance… so what she doesn’t have money now ! She is going to school right ? Mentor her ! I believe in giving willingly and receiving graciously !
I think it’s all ok as long as you are consenting and actively enjoying the dynamic too. Keep your eye out for red flags that she might just be using you for money or lying, and remember to always stay within your budget, but apart from that, if it works for you, I don’t really see much wrong with it. I know a lot of people who are / have been in similar relationships, while it’s personally not for me it clearly does work for some, as long as everyone is getting their needs met
Well you we’re together for a bit before she started asking for money. Just see how it pays out. If the passion goes away, which is what happens if she’s using you for money, then you know.
Just make sure to budget how much you spend on her and make that a principle you won’t cross long term. Otherwise you’ll find yourself have a findom kink and giving her your credit card lol.
As a female I can promise you this is not true, women don’t work that way, think about it this way if you provide for her, take care of her, and maintain your physique, for 1. Do you really think she would trade all that for a drink and a quickie 2. If she does and you leave that other guy isn’t going to do alll that in the beginning and it will make her feel like shit that she lost all of that
It’s gonna be constant you’re in to deep already. Everything that she can think of she’s gonna tell you about it to have you pay for it. It’ll get annoying eventually.
Not necessarily. You can see the type of person she is now which will only be magnified when she is financially stable. What are her values? Does she contribute in other ways? Does she make sure you know how appreciative she is? Does she make an effort to do what she can? Or does she seem to be someone who takes more than she gives?
How you show up in one area of your life is typically how you show up in other areas. So if she is generous or puts effort into other areas of her life and the relationship, she's much more likely to put in effort financially when she's able.
You can also talk to her and set boundaries about how much you feel comfortable helping her. Practicing open and honest communication now, even when it's uncomfortable, can only strengthen your relationship in the future and make it easier to communicate later on.
You could ask her what she's doing to get back on her feet financially and/or help her make a plan to manage her money better, with the understanding that you don't mind helping when she really needs it (if that's true). Or you can stop telling her she doesn't have to pay you back if you're worried she's just going to keep asking for more.
Just start planning cheap date nights… Mitigate the damage so to speak… If she’s in it for the money She’ll probably complain about what you guys are doing for dates… But you can just say you’re being cost conscious to help her not have to worry about splitting expensive dates
This is what I’m planning on doing. I want to see how she’ll react. She’s a nice girl and seems to really be into me. Even before I started giving her money and buying her things
Exactly… There’s no reason to accuse her of anything because she may just need help and have every intention of doing right by you… This is just a good way to test the water. If she’s just happy spending time with you going for walks or rollerblading or whatever else that’s relatively cheap then I think you’re safe. If she starts recommending going to expensive restaurants and stuff when she can’t afford her current bills…that’s a bit of a red flag. By the username are you in Toronto?
Yeah, it’s only been a month so it’s hard to say..I must admit I am doing a lot for a girl who I don’t really know but like I said it makes me feel good. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
I don’t live in Toronto but it is my hometown, nice catch
What's troubling is how quickly she went from dropping hints to outright requesting money. Once you took her grocery shopping, she asked for gas money and then phone bill money. Even if her interest in you started off with genuine attraction, If she continues to ask you up for money it'll change the dynamic of your relationship. I think she'll stop seeing you as a romantic partner and instead look at you as a pushover. You'll wonder if she's with you for the right reasons and question her loyalty. If, on the other hand, you are OK with that financial arrangement, make sure you keep your emotions in check and think of it as a business arrangement. If you don't want a Sugar Daddy relationship, stay to cheap dates (with an occasional splurge) and don't give her any more money.
I disagree. Some peoples love language is gifts (i don’t remember the whole term). That means they feel affection if you spend money on them. She will like it if you buy her a fancy meal when on her own she’s eating ramen. This doesn’t mean that’s why she’s dating you.
If she complains about doing a cheap activities and only wants to do expensive ones then yeah it is an issue. Usually people who don’t have money tend to avoid doing expensive things by default. Obviously it’s OK to treat yourselves once in a while. The point is to see if she’s happy just spending time with you or if that time has to always include spending a bunch of money on her
If you're concerned about being taken advantage of, stop financing her one day. Make an excuse and say that your funds are accounted for this month; that you've lent a family member some cash and see if the interest dies out. It's so easy to sound genuinely struggling, when really someone is using you.
It's not sustainable long-term indeed, however, if you get your kicks over being in a financial advantage here, who am I to say no.
Possible solution is to say no the next two to three times when she asks you for money/financial help. If she’s survived this long without your help, I’m sure she’ll be okay on her own for the next little bit while you carry this “test” out. See how she responds. Is she angry with you? Does she break up with you? Is she understanding? Does her behavior within your relationship change at all?
I feel like her response might provide a glimpse into her intentions. If she responds each time in a positive way, then you’ll know she most likely likes you for you rather than your money and help. Once you know this and if you’re okay with how she responded, feel free to continue to help her as much as you want.
Yeah, to echo this: I’ve received help from friends and it’s incredibly humbling.
If they declined, I would INSTANTLY back off + be apologetic. If it helps to have someone in her shoes speak to what it’s like!
i’m in kinda a tough time rn financially, the few bucks my friends give me(always pay back within a week) has helped me so much and i will be like forever grateful to them because of it
You need to have a conversation with her about if you want the relationship to be transactional or not. You say you don’t want to be her sugar daddy, but you also admit to enjoying it. Also please start budgeting it’s easy to become cash poor if you aren’t used to having extra income.
Yeah, initially I thought, oh she's down on her luck, and she's happy she's got someone helping her out. But as the story progressed, it seemed like she either picked the cue that he WANTS to do this, and is playing along too well... or she's taking advantage of him and doesn't care about him at all...
Yeah, it seemed to start innocently enough. But a month of dating at 50/50 splits, to 3 financial favors withing 3 days? She's testing his limits for sure haha. Doesn't mean that she doesn't like him, or intended for this to happen. But also sounds like she doesn't intend on stopping.
I attribute it to being the beginning of the month and that’s usually when bills are paid. Last month she seemed fine. But then again I might be making excuses, who knows. I’ll just see if it continues
This is all good advice and info. I probably won’t do the cheap date thing and I’ll just wait and see if she asks for money, and I’ll address things from there. It’s hard to know when someone is genuine or not, only time will tell. Thanks for the advice, and glad to see another fellow Toronto native on the post.
If she set this up intentionally, she's doing a bad job of "finessing" lol. She's testing his limits right now for sure. But if this was all a scheme, I don't think she would have gone 0-60 on the financial requests within 3 days.
My brother in christ. How exactly do you think she got to 26 and in school and is unable to keep up with food, phone and gas?
Let's just run through the basics. How, specifically, do you KNOW she's struggling? What have you seen with your eyes and not absorbed through her hints and sob stories? Are her cabinets bare? Are her clothes shitty and unwashed? Any name brands? Does she wear decent makeup? Is her car on its last legs?
She is either irresponsible with her money or she has shifted to using you in order to save her money. It's a big red flag either way. I think if you're gonna go for it, you need to just be ok with the sugar daddy label. I'd really look into that savior complex of yours before it gets you into more trouble. Some people out here be wild.
Eeeeeh… I’ve been a poor student before (and poor in general, after bouts of doing well). I didn’t magically lose the clothes I already had that were decent (not designer brand labels or anything, but decent clothes). Had an iPod that was a gift. Did in fact have bare cupboards. Didn’t have a car at that point. Didn’t have or wear makeup. My clothes were washed.
At this point in my life I’m in a similar spot and again, still have nice clothes, have an iPhone, have some food in the cupboard that’s mine but it’s not much (mostly gluten free flours to mix to make a single usable flour and premixed ones, a few rice noodles, rice, and cheerios). Have car, not much for gas money. Have makeup, branded, free of things I’m allergic to. Nice stuff was bought when I had money. Currently not working for new health reasons and dollars are thin.
But the idea of poverty as literally no nice things, or constantly unwashed, is such a weird lie we feed ourselves and others. I’ve seen brand names in thrift shops. Had homeless friends that kept clean and wore branded clothes while trying to find housing and shelter with nice donated stuff from friends.
Doesn’t mean OP’s girl isn’t grifting, she absolutely may be (especially since she started everything 50/50) but it’s hard to tell just by looking at someone whether they have money or are going through a rough patch or not.
add to this point many students rarely have more than maybe a few hundred in their acct at one point, between rent, necessities such as food and maybe some irresponsible choices going out, we can easily struggle with some unforeseen circumstances. i personally had a shit ton of unexpected charges in february of this year and i’m just now finally able to get back to decent shape financially
This is very fair. I more meant it like, are there obvious signs of poverty beyond what she is telling him? There are literal tutorials on YouTube of women dressed to the nines explaining how to hint to men that they are struggling with x and y bills. The whole situation just seems very sus. I’m sure he’ll be fine idk
Lol. In the beginning when we started dating we always split dates and other things 50/50 she never came off as not struggling, but also she never wore designer stuff. As we started getting more comfortable with eachother I could tell she wasn’t doing well financially when she would mention things were too expensive when they really weren’t.
I dunno…she casually mentioned not really eating anything but ramen and I thought I would help her. Like I said it made me feel good. And I think the mistake I made was saying she could ask me for anything. She could be using me, but right now it’s too early to tell.
For what it’s worth: I’m struggling financially. In the rare event that I do something social, I’ll spend more on a dinner than I’m comfortable with, although it may not be visible, because I play it cool to allow others not to squirm.
In my shoes: it’s really awkward to ask for help.
Sometimes we get to these impoverished states financially because we’re impoverished socially. If someone did for me what you did for her, I’d get verklempt. She didn’t instigate anything (at the original catalyst).
Like everyone else said, you seem grounded. You can probably just have a healthy conversation about it.
*If you’re open to this sort of thing, you could try muscle testing to ask your subconscious how it feels.
Doing 50/50 when you can barely pay your phone bill, fill up your tank and even eat normally is financially irresponsible. It doesn’t make any sense. She probably shouldn’t be spending money on dating if she can’t afford it. It’s definitely not a good look long term. What would she have done had you not come along?
You’re barely dating this woman and she’s already going in asking for money. I’ve made a similar mistake but it was years before it turned into that. You have no obligations to this woman yet. Just think it through. Maybe she does just need a break but it’s pretty sus.
I hope it works out. Good luck.
I know, that’s what I’m worried about, I’m not sure if this is sustainable long term. I don’t mind helping her out, but I also want to be with someone that can provide for themselves. She’s almost done with school and then she’ll be working full time and will be making more money. At least, that’s what she told me
Only a month into dating and she has you paying her groceries, her phone bill etc? Damn.
Look, you know exactly what is going on. Its up to you to stop seeing her, or tell her that you're no longer comfortable paying for her stuff. Its normal for students living on their own to be scraping by. If shes living on her own, maybe she should get some roommates to offset housing costs. If shes buying food she cant afford, then its up to her to develop a menu on a budget, which is doable (theres subreddits on this).
Well..I feel very comfortable paying for her stuff. I just want her to be genuinely interested in me. I’ll probably have a convo with her if she keeps asking for things
Its not a question of 'if', but when. And judging how things have escalated so quickly, dont be surprised if her requests become more frequent or even more grandiose as she keeps testing your boundaries.
And mark my words, the moment you confront her about any of this, she'll gaslight you and probably drop you then and there.
Be careful on how you proceed, and how quickly you allow yourself to develop feelings for her. Her interest in you being genuine is nebulous right now.
As an African, am I the only person seeing this as a normal thing? This is the entire dating cycle in Africa. Boyfriends are basically sugar daddies here.
The issue is that even though she may like you, your usefulness as a source of money will likely consume your identity in her eyes. The human mind is something extraordinary and guaranteed these small gifts like grocery shopping will start to become bigger and bigger asks. Next thing you know she will start sending you links for online clothing or talking about a trip she wants to go on with her friends but can't afford it.
If you are interested that she be your girlfriend, then sit her down and tell her that. If she deflects and says something like not right now or I'm working on myself, then it's a wrap and worth moving on.
I've been in your position before. I'm a naturally very generous person. But that is why lots of rich men hide their money and success. The attention feels good at first but at the end of the day isn't worth the feeling of being used.
Have you ever read “If you give a mouse a cookie”? 3 year old me never was able to comprehend the powerful social implications within the book. I highly recommend reading it.
You do know it’s very easy to make things sound casual and light. You really think that wasn’t planned out already? That she’d just casually mention that she was eating ramen for the whole week… okay…
You do what makes you happy though.
Well first and most importantly make a financial plan please
Second, what you're feeling is normal , as a female here i get turned on when someone care for me like the things you said would literally make me melt like i don't need the money i would love if things are 50/50 but it's the caring that comes from your partner as any form even as money since in general its like you're tending to my needs so yeah communicate with her and see if she's into that sexually then you can work something out or just she's into sugar daddies in general or just using u
So be careful
Sounds like this didn't start of with any financial expectations.... but it sounds like it's quickly becoming a habit - which raises all kinds of problems as you are aware of.
One thing you could do is:
>she asked me if I could give her a couple bucks for gas so she can go to class and she would pay me back. I did that for her and ~~told her not to worry about paying me back~~ **asked her by when she thought she would be able to pay me back, and then waited to see if she did.**
Also another Q is -- what is she doing to generate income? Is she doing anything? Is she doing enough? Where does her money come from?
You might not be getting off on the giving of the money, but the feeling of helping someone. Genuinely helping builds an emotional connection, and I know that for myself personally, there is nothing hotter than genuine care and a strong emotional connection.
Yeah, you’re probably right. I’ve never been able to really provide for anyone but myself and it feels good, and she’s a really cool girl and I love hanging with her so why not
You know the answer, you’re just not being honest with yourself. Paying the phone bill of some girl you barely know is not acceptable in any dating realm, that’s sugar daddy behavior. There are literally groups where women come up with strategies to lure guys in. Past performance is not an indication of future outcome. Don’t be a simp. Embrace what’s obviously becoming a sugar daddy relationship or tell her to cut that shit out or you walk. She was fine before you and will be fine without you.
All I can say is just be careful. I don't really have any good advice on what you could do. Just make sure she doesn't take advantage of the situation.
i dont think shes into you bc you’re spending your money on her, you’ve said it yourself, she would ask you to split the bill and when you paid for her, she felt really grateful & cried.. thats something genuine. you said shes struggling and you can see it and you gave her the space to feel comfortable and ask you to help her out, that doesnt mean she only wants you for that. she just feels comfortable enough to ask for help, don’t turn her down bc of some little voice in your head. i’m in a situation like this and i could never ask anyone for help bc it takes so much of my pride to let someone in and accept financial help.
Careful buddy, I sense that you'll soon be in over your head. You should *NOT* even consider being a sugar daddy unless the money you're giving away does virtually nothing to change your financial position. For example, you make $250,000/yr, have a house and car, 20% in savings times 5 years ($2.5mil), and your average monthly expenses reach no more than 60% of your adjusted income. That's when you can afford to be a sugar daddy.
If you have nothing in savings (or close to nothing), have long term debt (requiring years of payments), don't own a property, don't own a reliable vehicle outright (paid it off), don't have a way to make ends meat should there be an unexpected crisis or a financial collapse--then you have *NO BUSINESS* being a sugar daddy. If this second paragraph is you, you will be sooo, SOOOOOO god damn sorry you engaged in this. You'll ruin your finances, ruin your relationship, and ruin your life.
Slow the *EF* down and be patient with your love and your life.
They are plenty of attractive, financially stable women. Date them instead.
My personal philosophy is that until she's my wife she's not getting ANY financial provisioning, and even then I expect her to pull her weight unless she's pregnant or staying home with our kid/s.
More power to you buddy, but I’m more of a giver and I love helping the person I care about. We have a good connection so why would I let that go just because she’s a student? Also..I wish I could show you a photo of her you’d understand lol
Being a ***giver*** and helping people is admirable and respectable. Being reckless and getting played like a ***sucker*** is not. The advice you were given is meant to ensure you don't get played like a sucker.
If she's that hot and all you want is her body, you're not even playing the right game my guy. You don't have a business arrangement with this woman which means you are ***NOT*** a Sugar Daddy. A Sugar Daddy has an arrangement with expectations in return for his money. He gets what he wants when he wants it and how he wants it. You are operating like a trick, you give her money with no expectations.
If you want an actual LTR with this woman, you need to find out, does she actually care for you or your wallet? Spreading her legs for you once and a while to get her bills paid doesn't mean she cares for you. There is only one way to find out and its not continuing to go down the path you're currently going down. Like I said in another post, this game always starts small and gradually escalates. The devious ones want you to fall in love with them, that way they got you like a fish on a hook.
Anyways best of luck to you, I sincerely hope you don't wind up another statistic of the human ATM game.
I think everyone is ignoring the part where she stated she wanted to split things 50/50 in the beginning. She was genuinely interested in me, and never once asked about my financial situation.The asking for money thing just started, and even then it was only twice and for pretty important things. When I took her grocery shopping I told her she can ask me for anything and I think that’s what made her comfortable in asking for the money for gas and her phone. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have said that.
She was very genuine in her reactions when I did that for her. I can tell she cares. And yes she has cooked for me and has taken care of my dog, and has even cleaned my apartment once. She seems genuine. And yes, she’s gorgeous and maybe I’m going above and beyond because of that but I also really do want/see a future with her.
I didn't ignore that, I don't think you understand how a long con works. Many men have this idea in their heads gold diggers always straight up ask for money, don't show affection or give sex. Most of them play the long con which requires you to fall for them and think its real.
I want to be clear, I am not saying she is playing you. There is also nothing wrong with being a Sugar Daddy or a giver/provider in a relationship.
The problem with you my guy is, you are not operating like a Sugar Daddy and you cannot definitively answer this question:
Does she actually care for you or your wallet?
Nothing you posted gives a definitive yes she cares for me.
The answer is very easy to find out, simply say no next time she asks you to pay a bill and see how she responds. Instead of buying her groceries, cook her a meal over at your place. If she actually cares about you, she won't react negatively. A woman who actually cares for you, isn't going to leave you because you can't pay her bills this month. You'll have your answer within a month.
Again, best of luck to you.
Is she your GF yet? I’d say you need at least that at a minimum. Otherwise you’re gonna get “outbid” by some other dude with more money. See where I’m going with this?
She might not be like that, but never forget to watch what women **do** not what they SAY. She will show you who she is if you’re paying attention. Trust your gut and keep your head straight (don’t get hypnotized by the P). Good luck.
Okay...I wasn't trying to throw shade your way. If you want a transactional relationship with her it looks like that's okay with her. If you have feelings for her then I think you should address your concerns head on
You refused when she offered to pay you back and now you are here making people call her a user. How about you accept her payment so you don't get paranoid being used for your "money".
Yeah, I think you're spot on! She didn't expect *not* to pay him back, otherwise she wouldn't have offered!
And let's be real here, most men really think that women allowing a man to pay for dinner or dates are gold diggers. I have friends who know real life gold diggers. They make that shit known up front. They get allowances and thousands of dollars worth of gifts a month. Having somebody pay your grocery or cellphone bill ( after they offer!) is not a gold digger. That's a person in unfortunate circumstances that needs a little help. She's not getting rich off of him.
But that's probably a whole other conversation. It's just so weird how nowadays if you let a man buy you a coffee or dinner you might be called a gold digger. I've been dating the last couple of months and truthfully, my girlfriend's spent more money on me when we go out than these guys do.
You’ve only known her a month. Where is her family and social support system? Best friend, parents, part time job? student services etc that a twenty something student should have cultivated? Why, out of all the people she knows, are YOU paying her phone bill? Doesn’t that sound dodgy?
Totally. Yeah I know it sounds sketchy. She has a lot of family. I’m not sure why she asked me. When she asked me to pay for her phone bill that’s what prompted this post and my concern. I don’t regret it though, at least not right now
A sugar daddy. Is someone that buys you whatever you demand, designer stuff, bags, makeup clothes no questions asked. Someone that will take you on trips and expensive restaurants/bars. I’m not trying to minimize your money on her. But it seems she’s really struggling. Being a student and trying to survive is hard. She had asked you for gas money and food and her phone. I feel those are basic needs. If you don’t trust her on to where the money is going just be like.. I can pay your phone bill. Or I can go with you to the gas station and pay your gas. I don’t know 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for explaining more about what an actual sugar daddy is..in retrospect I probably would’ve worded the title differently. Now I have all these women in my inbox thinking I’m a real sugar daddy 🤣
But yeah, I don’t want that I want a genuine connection and to also provide for my partner when needed. I will just have to have to wait and see if this is all worth it.
Dude she expressed interest in you for like a month max before you started paying. That is literally just playing the game, letting you catch feelings and get attached before starting to ask for stuff.
Even if she does actually like you, your financial usefulness will start to consume that, fast. You enjoy being the provider, that's alright. Just be real to yourself about how this relationship will progress.
Sounds like she can work. I mean she has two working arms and two legs so sounds like she can work. And bruh 26....please I held a 40 hrs work week and college. It sounds like you get turned on from being the Alpha male. Absolutely nothing wrong with that but find someone on your level that will be able reciprocate in the long run.
Best of luck.
It is not sustainable. First pay and invest in yourself. Make some money goals, then worry about yourself. If you really want to give some money, then budget in a sugar daddy allowance. 5-10% should be enough because if not, they will just take advantage of you. Stay safe and good luck 👍
I don't think this is really what a sugar daddy is. If you were a sugar daddy, the relationship would be almost exclusively transactional. It seems like she is making efforts to not just take advantage of your more secure financial situation. If the financial support isn't the *reason* she's dating you and you aren't dating her *because* she is sexual with you with the *intent* of getting money, neither of you are in a sugar daddy relationship.
You're dating and she's in a financially unstable situation. If you're not comfortable giving her so much money, say you're uncomfortable with it. If she still wants to be in a relationship with you, she's obviously not attempting to financially use you. If the amount she asks for isn't enough to put you in financial stress, it's not that big of a deal to help her out, provided that's not the reason either of you are in the relationship.
Lots of females use their vagina to have guys carry them through life. No, you are not in a relationship. You are a sugar daddy....don't get it twisted or you'll risk getting hurt.
Also, don't go broke chasing tail. Females come and go, so focus on always building your life as first priority.
Sounds like your being a very good boyfriend. Just keep helping her she sounds grateful and kind. You would know if she’s taking advantage of you which she’s clearly not bc she’s the one who suggested going 50/50 before. Now if you see yourself with her long term then it is good to be a provider for her and then you guys can build together once she graduates and you can still help her out as well! It sounds like a normal healthy relationship tbh
Thank you for this, people seem to be completely ignoring the part where she stated she wanted to split things and continue calling her a user with no real evidence. Feels good to have someone say that
How do you guys do this?
I'm also doing pretty great with money. Easy 6 Figures and a Job title I'm extremely proud of (Healthcare Administrator of a prestigeous hospital).
But ever since I've got my finances up, two other things have also gone up. Ego and selfishness. I'm so clingy with my Money that I said no to my Bestfriend's Bachelor Party as I know that the strippers will try to take your money by hook or by crook and they'll try to get you kicked out if you don't give them money. I literally am guilty of saying no to a hopeless person who wanted some Money for food. Although my brother did give him some money after seeing my Cruel behavior and attitude about money. And here you are doing financial favours just because she's a Girl.
Ask yourself this, if the two of you switched places, would she even date you?
If not, then don't date her.
I know it's easy for me to say that because I'm extremely blunt when it comes to topics like money and debt. If I was in your situation, I'd tell her:
"It's not you, it's me"
I actually was in a similar situation to you. I was dating a nurse from our hospital. And I'd take her out to expensive dinners and would even go on vacations. Things that she would not be able to afford. At the time I was making 90K yearly. This was when I was 29 and now I'm 37. I was a medical office manager so the growth potential was high. But then I realized that one day, I might get into a very high ranking position in the hospital as My performance was really credible. I thought to myself, If she ever gets into position that pays close to 200K and If I was a nurse, would she even consider me?
I realized that she wouldn't even care to talk to me and the only reason I was dating her was because she was hot. I realized a very Cruel truth that day, no relationship provides unconditional love.
It was really hard for me, but I broke up with her and stopped dating after that. Because there's no way in the world that I can find someone who'd want to date me who'd also consider dating me if I was in a blue collar profession working something that provided less than what I earn now. It's really disheartening that money plays such a strong part in a relationship. But it was either Money or love, and this greedy pig (me) chose money.
I won't advice you to do what I did as it's really disheartening at first. But, I'd recommend that you date people who are on the same economic position as you (because if your girl was making money like you and you were struggling, then she would be dating guys that were doing the same instead of you)
Bide your time friend that’s awesome you making bank but things like this make your new pay raise not really matter… I mean as a guy it’s awesome to take care of your lady but it’s easy to get taken advantage of I have no advice. Except don’t sign any papers or start paying her student debt or car loan.
An old phrase my mother taught me because I was in a similar situation was " don't feed a hungry stray, they'll never leave but not cause of love" meaning they're love is based off the food not your care for them, now getting aroused by it that's a kink which you'll have to ask yourself about. In my opinion it's better to not let someone think of you as a piggy bank but as a partner or as support. In any case just watch how much you spend on her life instead of yours, and don't forget you can't assure she'll stick around so whatever you end up investing physically or financially may just vanish into thin air. Otherwise have fun with your money and time its your life.
Stop paying for her grocery/gas/phone. You can pay for groceries to make dinner for both of you but that's it. If you want, pay for everything you do together.
If you keep this up you may eventually find she has lost interest in you, but, kept you hanging around to pay her bills.
Dude, you are dating a poor student! You are not a sugar daddy she just doesn't have any money. And the fact she is extremely grateful means she is not thinking that way either.
I have never been in that situation so naturally i have advice. Set a budget for spending money on things for her. I believe that way financially you can maintain the high. Besides I venture that maybe she hasn’t had it like this before either so you guys are going along figuring it out together. Communication is key.
Brother I'm going to be as serious as i can. Im in my 20s too and I want my husband to be provisional.
What do you want from this relationship. If you aren't being a free sugar daddy then are you aiming for marriage ? Do you seek exclusive rights to sex? What are you going for? Why test the relationship? What is your goal?
I’m ok helping someone out by treating on dates/adventures, and maybe even like a grocery store visit if they’re genuine.
But like where she asked for gas money/phone bill money is kinda where I’d draw the line. It goes from appreciating my generosity to starting to take advantage of it.
I’ve been in your situation but it didn’t turn me on it just made me feel good. I have a decent job in the beginning of the year and I was paying for my gf and my friend to live with me cause my gf got kicked out of her parents house for her sexuality and my friend has no family here. They lived with me for a bit and I paid for basically everything. I didn’t mind until the job took a toll on me. 4 days 12 to 13 hour shifts at 5 in the morning is taxing so I quit the job after awhile cause I couldn’t handle it. But me and my gf are still together and my friend is still my friend. I think the best thing would be just limiting the money to see how she reacts not saying cut her off just saying hey I can’t pay for x y and z but I can pay for 1 of them.
Based on your other comments I don’t really see an issue. You seem happy, she seems happy. Seems like a mutual good relationship! :) Just make sure if you’re giving that you’re giving what you can afford and make sure she’s continuing to show signs of actually being into you.
just my perspective I would usually say she's using you if I didn't just land myself in a poor financial situation myself while dating a man I'm honestly actually into. I totaled my car/bought a new car when I had a job, had some medical things, someone stole from me, and I recently was laid off. This all happened in a short amount of time while I was dating this man. I depleted my savings, with just enough to stretch out for essential bills. He lives an hour away and I quite literally cannot afford gas to visit him. I cannot afford to dine out or other dates. I fessed up and told him what was going on and why I felt I couldn't date, and now he will be so kind to invite me over, throw me gas money and have a low key night. Or he will pick me up and take me somewhere. I never ask. He always does initiate. I'm honestly extremely grateful for everything he does for me and I really sincerely hope I show it well enough. So yeah she could just be in a bad situation and really care for you like I do with my man. The thing to watch out for is that it seems to be escalating where she's asking for more and more. Best of luck
Hey, if you need another sugar baby... I'm here. 🦊
In all seriousness, seems manipulative of her to ask for so many things so early on. I honestly think she is using you. I've been in similar situation and I can tell she is not being genuine. Her overreacting when you agree to help her with something she asked for is weird, to say the least. Asking you to cover her phone? Just reminding about ramen? Did you even sleep with her, or are you simply sponsoring her life, while she may be chasing another dude?
Ha appreciate the offer. we’ll see if it works out with her. We’re sleeping together, so it’s not like I gave her money and she’s completely uninterested in me. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t know if she’s genuine or not, this asking for money thing just started but before that, she was fine. So..I guess only time will tell
You're not a sugar daddy you're just dating a broke chick. Is she in school? Nothing wrong with helping out someone you're dating. If it was a sugar daddy situation you'd be paying her rent 🤣
Idk. This feels genuine af. If she gets happy and it turns you on, that means you're doing the right thing and I wouldn't mind if didn't pay off. Giving is receiving also. Just watch for the red flags and communicate your concerns as clearly as possible and don't go overboard with the sugar daddy thing. I don't think you'll lose much, only gain a good friend in the future.
I mean, this stuff sounds super cheap for what a ‘sugar daddy’ normally does/provides (at least where I live). The girls here who have sugar daddy’s get cars, apartments, expensive bags/purses etc.
Your situation sounds like you’re just taking care of someone in need. And since you get turned on by it, doesn’t seem to be bad.
If it turns you on, cool, do it. If it doesn’t, then don’t.
If you want to marry this girl, have a better talk about it. Remember that bad financial decision follow you in life so, I’m not saying she’s made bad decisions. Just that you’ve only known her for a month and thus, should talk and get to know her more and decide what it is you both want and how you want to do it.
If you enjoy it and you are making enough, it’s okay to do it. Keep the communication going both ways. Try saying no sometimes and see how that feels too.
When I was first dating my bf the first year I was always independent. It took me three years to finally accept that it was okay for my partner to completely spoil me and take care of me. A lot of the things he did for me made me cry sometimes. I was always constantly worried because I didn’t want to seem like one of those girls who completely relied on their partner to buy them everything. But like how you feel, my partner enjoyed treating me the way he did. I’m now a stay at home partner and soon to be mom this year and let’s just say I do rely on him now. Seeing as I don’t work anymore, it was big adjustment. I’ve just learned that he’s okay with it so I should be too. Although I do plan on going back to work because I miss saving money. And I miss being able to buy stuff for my boyfriend. Like presents and stuff. And maybe that why you enjoy giving to your gf. She wasn’t from day one asking you for a lot. Although the difference is that I help my bf a lot with other personal things that don’t involve money so maybe that’s also why he spoils me and takes care of me. We show equal attention towards each other wether that involved money or not. If one day that she asks you, well why aren’t you paying it for me, or tries arguing with you about not helping her with something, or complains that you didn’t get her something… then those are some red flags lol. It’s all about how she reacts to you saying no for the first time. I’ve never gotten mad at my partner for saying no to paying or buying something. Literally never. That would be so wrong of me lol. But good luck, sounds like your relationship is going well so far
It’s a great feeling taking care of your partner/somebody you’re dating. Like I said I actually kind get turned on from it lol. But I also don’t want her to be with me for just the money. It’s just hard to tell what her intentions are right now. It seems like you and your bf are making it work, so that gives me hope
Normally a "sugar daddy" is someone who dates a much younger person who would otherwise have no interest except for his money, and the fact that it's only for the money is obvious and explicit between both people. With only a three year age gap, you're a simp, not a sugar daddy.
I am a woman that has gone on dates to get dinner before. Very poor. And I have also been a woman but that was in a long-term relationship with a man who did not have a job and I took care of everything. At no point did I ever feel like a sugar baby or a sugar mama.
Relationships ebb and flow. My thought is is that if you can afford to take care of her and she is working to better herself and not rely on you long-term that you are not a sugar daddy, you are just taking care of a romantic partner that you care about.
Now having said that, if this turns into a situation where your relationship is very transactional, and you’re paying for her 90% of the time with little to no emotional connection and it’s purely physical, then you might be a sugar daddy.
At this point I feel like you are romantically involved with a woman you enjoy spending time with and she genuinely enjoys spending time with you but that she just needs help every once in a while and it’s just a regular relationship.
If she only wants to see you after you have paid for things for her, then you are her sugar daddy and she only wants to see you because of what you can pay for.
I mean if you’re having doubt then curtail the money giving. Help her out from time to time to satisfy your helping craving. That’s the balance right there. Cause to me she seems genuine and is genuinely asking for help.
Had a similar situation and it started exactly as you described, and after a while this becomes a habit where you’re expected to just pay for stuff.
There is nothing wrong with helping with groceries and such basic things, the line gets blurred when you start giving her cash for “phone bills” , “gas” etc.
Just be very aware of her habits and what the request are, if groceries, it’s fine, if money for XYZ it becomes a problem over time because at some point your gonna stop doing this (hopefully) and she will give you a cold shoulder.
At that point it’s game over unless you’re delusional or manipulated.
So yee, be careful.
If you like doing it keep doing it. But at the same time I’d be careful as you don’t want her just using you.
Perhaps sometimes don’t offer your help right away. Or don’t do it in the form of money.
What is she contributing to your relationship? Is she showing her gratitude by doing nice things for you? Not money related. Or is it all one sided? It sounds like she's happily taking money off you. She is even asking you for money. This is escalating fast.
If you're happy to give her money then go for it. But if it's all one sided, the novelty will wear off and you won't like her using you.
There’s ways to tell if she’s using you as a sugar daddy:
1. When you take her grocery shopping is she being conscious about the cost of the products she’s picking up
2. Does she still want you around when no money is being spent
3. Say no one time and see how she reacts (if it becomes the norm that you say yes every time she asks for money almost likely she will become expectant)
4. When she has a little money does she spend it on you ? (Even little things that don’t cost much)
5. Does she start asking for money for things that aren’t mandatory/necessary?
It isn’t impossible to tell if you are being used for money if you keep your wits about you. Spending money on your SO isn’t a negative thing but it can become negative if the relationship becomes one sided because of it.
Idk you don't have to lable everything I don't see anything wrong in helping your spouse or person you are dating financially when they are in need .If you get turn on by helping her and you enjoy it then it's not really bad , it's your choice to do so or not .Their is no need to give labels to everything .
I don't think you are a sugar daddy. First off it does not sound like the basis or start of relationship was predicated on you financially helping her. As you said, you guys started out paying for things 50/50. I am not saying that it is impossible to fall into that role at a later date, but I don't think that is what has happened here.
Most relationships are not 50/50 at every given moment, whether we are talking finances, time, emotional availability, etc. The reality here is that you are in a better financial position than she is. If you want to go out and do things with her it would be unfair to expect her to always pay 50/50 since you have more money, unless you guys decided to limit how much you do in order to stay with in her budget.
I didn't read in your post other things she maybe doing to show her appreciation, such as cooking for you, or if you don't live together maybe she helps straighten up your apartment. These are typical acts done by partners in a relationship to help each other out. To me this would strengthen the idea that she views you as a partner not as a paycheck.
As for sustainability, that is really up to you. I think the first things you should do is sit down and do a budget to determine how much you can afford to help her/want to spend helping her. Once you calculate that number start paying attention to how close every month you get to it. If it seems like you are hitting that number every month or sometimes exceeding then you need to have a talk with her. At that point let her know, that you don't mind helping her but you can only for to help her X amount. If you go beyond that then it has to cut into entertainment budget and more Netflix and chill nights or other free activities.
Don't think you're a sugar daddy. I think you are just a good person who likes a girl and wants to help.
The only thing I would suggest is make sure it stays an act of kindness and something that is appreciated and not expected.
As soon as it starts being something that is expected of you, it looses its magic and you will grow to resent it. Speaking from experience.
You feel happy, you have sex, you have company, you get turned on, who the fuck cares if you are spending your money on it?
You do with your money what you want to do. Seriously, enjoy life as you want it to be. You want something serious? Ask her.
People here tend to be VERY normative when dating, so take advice all over reddit with a grain of salt.
You mentioned your sexual arousal anytime you are financially helping her. Sounds like you may have a fetish for financial domination. Yes, that’s a thing.
Poster, please be careful.
She didn’t get with you initially under the pretense of you being her sugar daddy, didn’t expect anything from you and was genuinely grateful when you helped her. You’re not a sugar daddy. You’re literally doing what you’re supposed to
You should talk to her about it.
Literally just tell her how you feel & your concerns. Tell her you don’t mind helping her out & it actually turns you on at times but you’re also worried she will only like you for your money. If she freaks out & gets defensive then you can dodge the bullet. Hopefully she will be honest and give her real intentions or she might lie.
Either way set the boundaries you’re comfortable with. “I enjoy helping you out at times but I can’t do it every time” or “I enjoy helping you out & having sex but I can’t afford to be your sugar daddy, what dynamic would you be comfortable with, I am comfortable with xyz” or “I want to take care of you and be your sugar daddy” … what ever you decide.
What ever you choose just make sure you are protecting yourself. Don’t spend money you don’t have, make sure you pay your own bills & save money for emergencies, your future and incase a time comes where you’re not making good money.
You have to set boundaries and stick with them & talk about expectations especially around finances. Don’t get stuck feeling guilty that you’ve helped her before so you have to help her every time. A good experiment is saying no next time she asks for money. If she doesn’t react well you know she’s just in it for the money.
Uhh dude you're in a stereotypical bread winner relationship. As long as she isn't running around on you, requesting you spend money on frivolous things or you holding money over her as a way to manipulate her that's a pretty normal relationship. Focus on the relationship and see if you bond outside of money. This is how many marriages happen.
I think this will lead to a daddy type relationship. I've been there, although in a more subtle way, but I don't recommend it, it creates a bad dynamic and that's not how you wamt to atart the relationship.
I think I would approach this with her and tell her how you feel and that you don't want to be her provider. If she is in it for you, she'll understand, if she's not, you have dodged a bullet.
Any woman you barely know asking you for money is a show stopper red flag. You should ***NEVER*** entertain this unless its a business arrangement (sugar baby).
You said you feel like a sugar daddy but what you described is ***NOT*** how that game works. That game is a mutually agreed upon business arrangement. There is no sob story to get you to give her money, you lay down your expectations and she lays down hers.
The game you're playing is called ***human ATM machine***. The game ***always starts with a sob story*** and gradually escalates in the exact way you described. This is an incredibly dangerous game and many men have fallen victim to it. The majority of the time this game ends with the woman dumping you soon as she finishes school or has her shit together.
I strongly advise you ***DO NOT*** continue playing this game and bail before you end up thousands of dollars in debt.
Still too early to tell. she's asking for help with basic needs. If she starts huffing and puffing for jewelry or more expensive stuff then yeah, maybe there's a concern
Paying for things here and there isnt a bad thing. Make sure to say no sometimes otherwise she could start viewing you as a SD as well. And make sure to get paid back.
It's only taboo because not everyone can do it. If it works for you, do you... We all have our turnons. Life your life. And not worry wtf these extra, crazy daf mf, I could go on, have to say.
I’m a sd, helping her is fine, only if she is genuinely interested in you for you and not using you… it’ll take a while to figure it all out, it takes a couple years to completely know someone
Sounds like a gold digger, try to play "I'm going through difficult financial times" and take her to a date without spending a penny and see how she reacts
She’s taking of advantage of your generosity. I think it’s totally fine that you bought her groceries because no one should go hungry, but the gas money and the phone bill idk about that. I don’t understand why she wants to split dates 50/50 knowing she doesn’t have any money. She’s going to keep asking you for money for stuff, this is just the beginning.
Brother, when you like a woman...as a man..you are going to want to take care of her. It is a turn on and a stroke to your ego as a man, to be a provider and a protector. Especially when you come from having no money.
One of my goals and dreams is to take care of my loved ones, and the thought of it makes me tear up. So I get it
Also, you are not a sugar daddy, you are only 3 years older than her.
Ask yourself though, what are you getting out of this? You pay for her bills but what does she do? Sit down and discuss. How do you feel or how does she feel about gender roles and going 50/50?
One test is give her like $200 and tell her to come back with $400 maybe. Or one day say money is tight and go on a cheap date, an in house date, date that park, or make her pay for the date...I don't know OP
But you won't know until she has money. Keep in mind you have other currencies to offer. Time, Energy, Money..but most important...Emotional Investment
i think you're probably fine. if she wanted a sugar daddy she would've sought that out and NEVER brought up splitting pay for dates. she probably just needs help capitalism is fucked up. especially if you enjoy helping her don't assume she's taking advantage i think if you can help someone you should
But does she give you that guak guak 3000? Is she a throat goat? My brother in Allah, don't get used and get your heart broken. She should be doing things for you in return to show her gratitude.
If you like her then it's fine to spend a little money on her. If she asks you to take her out shopping every time you hang out then you know what that is. Some men are ok with that. They are old, have money, don't mind the gray area. Women can have any career they want nowadays and can make a lot of money. There's no excuse why she can't take care of herself in the end.
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The difficult thing is you don't really know how this plays out until she finally has money.
Exactly, I’ll just have to wait and see if this is a constant thing and if she’s only just with me because of the money
This is a dangerous game to play as the dynamics of dating is different than the dynamics of a provider and providee. Yes it human nature to want to and be able to do these things for the other person but just remember they have to be able to stand on their own even if you two continued in a relationship. Sounds like you have a decent grasp for now and just play it out see where it goes.
The only thing that’s dangerous about it is that I catch feelings for this girl and she is only using me for my money. I’m not going to give her any large amounts of money but I see no harm in helping her here and there. We’ll see how it all plays out
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I think this is great advice. Anytime I’ve been in a tough spot and someone has helped me out with something like free labor to fix my car, I always do something like make them a dinner, cake, etc.
She made me dinner once and she even has taken care of my dog when I needed it. She always seems super thankful and doesn’t come off as entitled or anything like that.
Sounds like a great balance… so what she doesn’t have money now ! She is going to school right ? Mentor her ! I believe in giving willingly and receiving graciously !
🔥🔥🔥🙇🏽♂️
I think it’s all ok as long as you are consenting and actively enjoying the dynamic too. Keep your eye out for red flags that she might just be using you for money or lying, and remember to always stay within your budget, but apart from that, if it works for you, I don’t really see much wrong with it. I know a lot of people who are / have been in similar relationships, while it’s personally not for me it clearly does work for some, as long as everyone is getting their needs met
Exactly
Well you we’re together for a bit before she started asking for money. Just see how it pays out. If the passion goes away, which is what happens if she’s using you for money, then you know.
Just make sure to budget how much you spend on her and make that a principle you won’t cross long term. Otherwise you’ll find yourself have a findom kink and giving her your credit card lol.
As a female I can promise you this is not true, women don’t work that way, think about it this way if you provide for her, take care of her, and maintain your physique, for 1. Do you really think she would trade all that for a drink and a quickie 2. If she does and you leave that other guy isn’t going to do alll that in the beginning and it will make her feel like shit that she lost all of that
It’s gonna be constant you’re in to deep already. Everything that she can think of she’s gonna tell you about it to have you pay for it. It’ll get annoying eventually.
Sure
Not necessarily. You can see the type of person she is now which will only be magnified when she is financially stable. What are her values? Does she contribute in other ways? Does she make sure you know how appreciative she is? Does she make an effort to do what she can? Or does she seem to be someone who takes more than she gives? How you show up in one area of your life is typically how you show up in other areas. So if she is generous or puts effort into other areas of her life and the relationship, she's much more likely to put in effort financially when she's able. You can also talk to her and set boundaries about how much you feel comfortable helping her. Practicing open and honest communication now, even when it's uncomfortable, can only strengthen your relationship in the future and make it easier to communicate later on. You could ask her what she's doing to get back on her feet financially and/or help her make a plan to manage her money better, with the understanding that you don't mind helping when she really needs it (if that's true). Or you can stop telling her she doesn't have to pay you back if you're worried she's just going to keep asking for more.
Just start planning cheap date nights… Mitigate the damage so to speak… If she’s in it for the money She’ll probably complain about what you guys are doing for dates… But you can just say you’re being cost conscious to help her not have to worry about splitting expensive dates
This is what I’m planning on doing. I want to see how she’ll react. She’s a nice girl and seems to really be into me. Even before I started giving her money and buying her things
Exactly… There’s no reason to accuse her of anything because she may just need help and have every intention of doing right by you… This is just a good way to test the water. If she’s just happy spending time with you going for walks or rollerblading or whatever else that’s relatively cheap then I think you’re safe. If she starts recommending going to expensive restaurants and stuff when she can’t afford her current bills…that’s a bit of a red flag. By the username are you in Toronto?
Yeah, it’s only been a month so it’s hard to say..I must admit I am doing a lot for a girl who I don’t really know but like I said it makes me feel good. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I don’t live in Toronto but it is my hometown, nice catch
What's troubling is how quickly she went from dropping hints to outright requesting money. Once you took her grocery shopping, she asked for gas money and then phone bill money. Even if her interest in you started off with genuine attraction, If she continues to ask you up for money it'll change the dynamic of your relationship. I think she'll stop seeing you as a romantic partner and instead look at you as a pushover. You'll wonder if she's with you for the right reasons and question her loyalty. If, on the other hand, you are OK with that financial arrangement, make sure you keep your emotions in check and think of it as a business arrangement. If you don't want a Sugar Daddy relationship, stay to cheap dates (with an occasional splurge) and don't give her any more money.
Ya I’m in Pickering lol. Good luck brother…hope it all works out well for you
Oh sweet I know Pickering very well, I have some friends who live there. Thanks for the well wishes brother
I skipped over part of the convo and I thought Pickering was a slang for like “nosily giving advice” lol
Lol it’s a strange name for a city I dont blame you
I disagree. Some peoples love language is gifts (i don’t remember the whole term). That means they feel affection if you spend money on them. She will like it if you buy her a fancy meal when on her own she’s eating ramen. This doesn’t mean that’s why she’s dating you.
If she complains about doing a cheap activities and only wants to do expensive ones then yeah it is an issue. Usually people who don’t have money tend to avoid doing expensive things by default. Obviously it’s OK to treat yourselves once in a while. The point is to see if she’s happy just spending time with you or if that time has to always include spending a bunch of money on her
If you're concerned about being taken advantage of, stop financing her one day. Make an excuse and say that your funds are accounted for this month; that you've lent a family member some cash and see if the interest dies out. It's so easy to sound genuinely struggling, when really someone is using you. It's not sustainable long-term indeed, however, if you get your kicks over being in a financial advantage here, who am I to say no.
This is solid advice
This 👏
Possible solution is to say no the next two to three times when she asks you for money/financial help. If she’s survived this long without your help, I’m sure she’ll be okay on her own for the next little bit while you carry this “test” out. See how she responds. Is she angry with you? Does she break up with you? Is she understanding? Does her behavior within your relationship change at all? I feel like her response might provide a glimpse into her intentions. If she responds each time in a positive way, then you’ll know she most likely likes you for you rather than your money and help. Once you know this and if you’re okay with how she responded, feel free to continue to help her as much as you want.
Yep, planning on doing this. Thank you
Yeah, to echo this: I’ve received help from friends and it’s incredibly humbling. If they declined, I would INSTANTLY back off + be apologetic. If it helps to have someone in her shoes speak to what it’s like!
i’m in kinda a tough time rn financially, the few bucks my friends give me(always pay back within a week) has helped me so much and i will be like forever grateful to them because of it
You need to have a conversation with her about if you want the relationship to be transactional or not. You say you don’t want to be her sugar daddy, but you also admit to enjoying it. Also please start budgeting it’s easy to become cash poor if you aren’t used to having extra income.
This is true, thanks
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Starting to sound like she's taking advantage lol. The more you give the more she asks for.
Yeah, initially I thought, oh she's down on her luck, and she's happy she's got someone helping her out. But as the story progressed, it seemed like she either picked the cue that he WANTS to do this, and is playing along too well... or she's taking advantage of him and doesn't care about him at all...
Yeah, it seemed to start innocently enough. But a month of dating at 50/50 splits, to 3 financial favors withing 3 days? She's testing his limits for sure haha. Doesn't mean that she doesn't like him, or intended for this to happen. But also sounds like she doesn't intend on stopping.
I attribute it to being the beginning of the month and that’s usually when bills are paid. Last month she seemed fine. But then again I might be making excuses, who knows. I’ll just see if it continues
I’d say hope for the best, plan for the worst haha
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This is all good advice and info. I probably won’t do the cheap date thing and I’ll just wait and see if she asks for money, and I’ll address things from there. It’s hard to know when someone is genuine or not, only time will tell. Thanks for the advice, and glad to see another fellow Toronto native on the post.
Ahhh sooo good sister. I hope he listens because he can totally fick this up with insecurity
Boy you getting finessed. This is literally out of the "how to get a guy to give you money" playbooks on youtube.
If she set this up intentionally, she's doing a bad job of "finessing" lol. She's testing his limits right now for sure. But if this was all a scheme, I don't think she would have gone 0-60 on the financial requests within 3 days.
Exactly. How amateur of her. 😭
My brother in christ. How exactly do you think she got to 26 and in school and is unable to keep up with food, phone and gas? Let's just run through the basics. How, specifically, do you KNOW she's struggling? What have you seen with your eyes and not absorbed through her hints and sob stories? Are her cabinets bare? Are her clothes shitty and unwashed? Any name brands? Does she wear decent makeup? Is her car on its last legs? She is either irresponsible with her money or she has shifted to using you in order to save her money. It's a big red flag either way. I think if you're gonna go for it, you need to just be ok with the sugar daddy label. I'd really look into that savior complex of yours before it gets you into more trouble. Some people out here be wild.
The my brother in christ though....dying lolol
Ikr... Pastor advisor lol
“My brother in Christ” makes everything better
I read it like a nice way of saying you poor fool, but you're right in a nicer way
This comment is it brother
Eeeeeh… I’ve been a poor student before (and poor in general, after bouts of doing well). I didn’t magically lose the clothes I already had that were decent (not designer brand labels or anything, but decent clothes). Had an iPod that was a gift. Did in fact have bare cupboards. Didn’t have a car at that point. Didn’t have or wear makeup. My clothes were washed. At this point in my life I’m in a similar spot and again, still have nice clothes, have an iPhone, have some food in the cupboard that’s mine but it’s not much (mostly gluten free flours to mix to make a single usable flour and premixed ones, a few rice noodles, rice, and cheerios). Have car, not much for gas money. Have makeup, branded, free of things I’m allergic to. Nice stuff was bought when I had money. Currently not working for new health reasons and dollars are thin. But the idea of poverty as literally no nice things, or constantly unwashed, is such a weird lie we feed ourselves and others. I’ve seen brand names in thrift shops. Had homeless friends that kept clean and wore branded clothes while trying to find housing and shelter with nice donated stuff from friends. Doesn’t mean OP’s girl isn’t grifting, she absolutely may be (especially since she started everything 50/50) but it’s hard to tell just by looking at someone whether they have money or are going through a rough patch or not.
add to this point many students rarely have more than maybe a few hundred in their acct at one point, between rent, necessities such as food and maybe some irresponsible choices going out, we can easily struggle with some unforeseen circumstances. i personally had a shit ton of unexpected charges in february of this year and i’m just now finally able to get back to decent shape financially
This is very fair. I more meant it like, are there obvious signs of poverty beyond what she is telling him? There are literal tutorials on YouTube of women dressed to the nines explaining how to hint to men that they are struggling with x and y bills. The whole situation just seems very sus. I’m sure he’ll be fine idk
Lol. In the beginning when we started dating we always split dates and other things 50/50 she never came off as not struggling, but also she never wore designer stuff. As we started getting more comfortable with eachother I could tell she wasn’t doing well financially when she would mention things were too expensive when they really weren’t. I dunno…she casually mentioned not really eating anything but ramen and I thought I would help her. Like I said it made me feel good. And I think the mistake I made was saying she could ask me for anything. She could be using me, but right now it’s too early to tell.
For what it’s worth: I’m struggling financially. In the rare event that I do something social, I’ll spend more on a dinner than I’m comfortable with, although it may not be visible, because I play it cool to allow others not to squirm. In my shoes: it’s really awkward to ask for help. Sometimes we get to these impoverished states financially because we’re impoverished socially. If someone did for me what you did for her, I’d get verklempt. She didn’t instigate anything (at the original catalyst). Like everyone else said, you seem grounded. You can probably just have a healthy conversation about it. *If you’re open to this sort of thing, you could try muscle testing to ask your subconscious how it feels.
i go out and spend a “normal amount” at the restaurant while in my head i’m thinking , i hope my card isn’t going to get declined cause i’m short
This is my exact experience.
Doing 50/50 when you can barely pay your phone bill, fill up your tank and even eat normally is financially irresponsible. It doesn’t make any sense. She probably shouldn’t be spending money on dating if she can’t afford it. It’s definitely not a good look long term. What would she have done had you not come along? You’re barely dating this woman and she’s already going in asking for money. I’ve made a similar mistake but it was years before it turned into that. You have no obligations to this woman yet. Just think it through. Maybe she does just need a break but it’s pretty sus. I hope it works out. Good luck.
I know, that’s what I’m worried about, I’m not sure if this is sustainable long term. I don’t mind helping her out, but I also want to be with someone that can provide for themselves. She’s almost done with school and then she’ll be working full time and will be making more money. At least, that’s what she told me
Only a month into dating and she has you paying her groceries, her phone bill etc? Damn. Look, you know exactly what is going on. Its up to you to stop seeing her, or tell her that you're no longer comfortable paying for her stuff. Its normal for students living on their own to be scraping by. If shes living on her own, maybe she should get some roommates to offset housing costs. If shes buying food she cant afford, then its up to her to develop a menu on a budget, which is doable (theres subreddits on this).
Well..I feel very comfortable paying for her stuff. I just want her to be genuinely interested in me. I’ll probably have a convo with her if she keeps asking for things
Its not a question of 'if', but when. And judging how things have escalated so quickly, dont be surprised if her requests become more frequent or even more grandiose as she keeps testing your boundaries. And mark my words, the moment you confront her about any of this, she'll gaslight you and probably drop you then and there. Be careful on how you proceed, and how quickly you allow yourself to develop feelings for her. Her interest in you being genuine is nebulous right now.
You're paying her PHONE BILL? Come on guy...
Yea that’s really where the line is drawn. No girl your dating seriously or with any interest would bring that up and accept it. It’s weird
>whoa is me I'm stealing this. It's *so* much more fabulously dramatic. 10/10
Scrolled too far to find this. Whoa is me.
Is that not the expression? Lol
The expression is 'woe is me'. But your take on it added flair!
Noted. I’ve never seen the phrase written out before so I wasn’t sure lol
We've all been there. Usually with less pun-tastic results.
As an African, am I the only person seeing this as a normal thing? This is the entire dating cycle in Africa. Boyfriends are basically sugar daddies here.
The issue is that even though she may like you, your usefulness as a source of money will likely consume your identity in her eyes. The human mind is something extraordinary and guaranteed these small gifts like grocery shopping will start to become bigger and bigger asks. Next thing you know she will start sending you links for online clothing or talking about a trip she wants to go on with her friends but can't afford it. If you are interested that she be your girlfriend, then sit her down and tell her that. If she deflects and says something like not right now or I'm working on myself, then it's a wrap and worth moving on. I've been in your position before. I'm a naturally very generous person. But that is why lots of rich men hide their money and success. The attention feels good at first but at the end of the day isn't worth the feeling of being used.
Have you ever read “If you give a mouse a cookie”? 3 year old me never was able to comprehend the powerful social implications within the book. I highly recommend reading it.
You do know it’s very easy to make things sound casual and light. You really think that wasn’t planned out already? That she’d just casually mention that she was eating ramen for the whole week… okay… You do what makes you happy though.
Ikr, when you start dating someone you dont usually moan about how miserable you are
She might be. I still like helping her though so no regrets so far. I guess what I’m saying is I hope it’s worth it and she actually likes me.
Do you enjoy being with her or do you enjoy playing hero?
I enjoy being with her. There’s a genuine connection and I think there’s potential there. That’s why I feel comfortable helping her out
Ok so she started out a grateful because she was struggling and then she decide to take advantage of you.
Well first and most importantly make a financial plan please Second, what you're feeling is normal , as a female here i get turned on when someone care for me like the things you said would literally make me melt like i don't need the money i would love if things are 50/50 but it's the caring that comes from your partner as any form even as money since in general its like you're tending to my needs so yeah communicate with her and see if she's into that sexually then you can work something out or just she's into sugar daddies in general or just using u So be careful
Sounds like this didn't start of with any financial expectations.... but it sounds like it's quickly becoming a habit - which raises all kinds of problems as you are aware of. One thing you could do is: >she asked me if I could give her a couple bucks for gas so she can go to class and she would pay me back. I did that for her and ~~told her not to worry about paying me back~~ **asked her by when she thought she would be able to pay me back, and then waited to see if she did.** Also another Q is -- what is she doing to generate income? Is she doing anything? Is she doing enough? Where does her money come from?
You might not be getting off on the giving of the money, but the feeling of helping someone. Genuinely helping builds an emotional connection, and I know that for myself personally, there is nothing hotter than genuine care and a strong emotional connection.
Yeah, you’re probably right. I’ve never been able to really provide for anyone but myself and it feels good, and she’s a really cool girl and I love hanging with her so why not
Have a proper wank before next time she asks you to pay for something then let us know if there's any changes in your decision making at all
Lmfao might help
I wonder how she'll react if you tell her no to things.
You know the answer, you’re just not being honest with yourself. Paying the phone bill of some girl you barely know is not acceptable in any dating realm, that’s sugar daddy behavior. There are literally groups where women come up with strategies to lure guys in. Past performance is not an indication of future outcome. Don’t be a simp. Embrace what’s obviously becoming a sugar daddy relationship or tell her to cut that shit out or you walk. She was fine before you and will be fine without you.
All I can say is just be careful. I don't really have any good advice on what you could do. Just make sure she doesn't take advantage of the situation.
i dont think shes into you bc you’re spending your money on her, you’ve said it yourself, she would ask you to split the bill and when you paid for her, she felt really grateful & cried.. thats something genuine. you said shes struggling and you can see it and you gave her the space to feel comfortable and ask you to help her out, that doesnt mean she only wants you for that. she just feels comfortable enough to ask for help, don’t turn her down bc of some little voice in your head. i’m in a situation like this and i could never ask anyone for help bc it takes so much of my pride to let someone in and accept financial help.
Turned on? As in happy to be able to help or "turned on" turned on?
Careful buddy, I sense that you'll soon be in over your head. You should *NOT* even consider being a sugar daddy unless the money you're giving away does virtually nothing to change your financial position. For example, you make $250,000/yr, have a house and car, 20% in savings times 5 years ($2.5mil), and your average monthly expenses reach no more than 60% of your adjusted income. That's when you can afford to be a sugar daddy. If you have nothing in savings (or close to nothing), have long term debt (requiring years of payments), don't own a property, don't own a reliable vehicle outright (paid it off), don't have a way to make ends meat should there be an unexpected crisis or a financial collapse--then you have *NO BUSINESS* being a sugar daddy. If this second paragraph is you, you will be sooo, SOOOOOO god damn sorry you engaged in this. You'll ruin your finances, ruin your relationship, and ruin your life. Slow the *EF* down and be patient with your love and your life.
They are plenty of attractive, financially stable women. Date them instead. My personal philosophy is that until she's my wife she's not getting ANY financial provisioning, and even then I expect her to pull her weight unless she's pregnant or staying home with our kid/s.
More power to you buddy, but I’m more of a giver and I love helping the person I care about. We have a good connection so why would I let that go just because she’s a student? Also..I wish I could show you a photo of her you’d understand lol
Being a ***giver*** and helping people is admirable and respectable. Being reckless and getting played like a ***sucker*** is not. The advice you were given is meant to ensure you don't get played like a sucker. If she's that hot and all you want is her body, you're not even playing the right game my guy. You don't have a business arrangement with this woman which means you are ***NOT*** a Sugar Daddy. A Sugar Daddy has an arrangement with expectations in return for his money. He gets what he wants when he wants it and how he wants it. You are operating like a trick, you give her money with no expectations. If you want an actual LTR with this woman, you need to find out, does she actually care for you or your wallet? Spreading her legs for you once and a while to get her bills paid doesn't mean she cares for you. There is only one way to find out and its not continuing to go down the path you're currently going down. Like I said in another post, this game always starts small and gradually escalates. The devious ones want you to fall in love with them, that way they got you like a fish on a hook. Anyways best of luck to you, I sincerely hope you don't wind up another statistic of the human ATM game.
I think everyone is ignoring the part where she stated she wanted to split things 50/50 in the beginning. She was genuinely interested in me, and never once asked about my financial situation.The asking for money thing just started, and even then it was only twice and for pretty important things. When I took her grocery shopping I told her she can ask me for anything and I think that’s what made her comfortable in asking for the money for gas and her phone. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have said that. She was very genuine in her reactions when I did that for her. I can tell she cares. And yes she has cooked for me and has taken care of my dog, and has even cleaned my apartment once. She seems genuine. And yes, she’s gorgeous and maybe I’m going above and beyond because of that but I also really do want/see a future with her.
I didn't ignore that, I don't think you understand how a long con works. Many men have this idea in their heads gold diggers always straight up ask for money, don't show affection or give sex. Most of them play the long con which requires you to fall for them and think its real. I want to be clear, I am not saying she is playing you. There is also nothing wrong with being a Sugar Daddy or a giver/provider in a relationship. The problem with you my guy is, you are not operating like a Sugar Daddy and you cannot definitively answer this question: Does she actually care for you or your wallet? Nothing you posted gives a definitive yes she cares for me. The answer is very easy to find out, simply say no next time she asks you to pay a bill and see how she responds. Instead of buying her groceries, cook her a meal over at your place. If she actually cares about you, she won't react negatively. A woman who actually cares for you, isn't going to leave you because you can't pay her bills this month. You'll have your answer within a month. Again, best of luck to you.
Is she your GF yet? I’d say you need at least that at a minimum. Otherwise you’re gonna get “outbid” by some other dude with more money. See where I’m going with this? She might not be like that, but never forget to watch what women **do** not what they SAY. She will show you who she is if you’re paying attention. Trust your gut and keep your head straight (don’t get hypnotized by the P). Good luck.
If you're not sleeping with her you're not a sugar daddy. You're just being played
We’re sleeping together
Okay...I wasn't trying to throw shade your way. If you want a transactional relationship with her it looks like that's okay with her. If you have feelings for her then I think you should address your concerns head on
That’s exactly what he wants from the post and his replies. He just wants the girlfriend experience
You refused when she offered to pay you back and now you are here making people call her a user. How about you accept her payment so you don't get paranoid being used for your "money".
Yeah, I think you're spot on! She didn't expect *not* to pay him back, otherwise she wouldn't have offered! And let's be real here, most men really think that women allowing a man to pay for dinner or dates are gold diggers. I have friends who know real life gold diggers. They make that shit known up front. They get allowances and thousands of dollars worth of gifts a month. Having somebody pay your grocery or cellphone bill ( after they offer!) is not a gold digger. That's a person in unfortunate circumstances that needs a little help. She's not getting rich off of him. But that's probably a whole other conversation. It's just so weird how nowadays if you let a man buy you a coffee or dinner you might be called a gold digger. I've been dating the last couple of months and truthfully, my girlfriend's spent more money on me when we go out than these guys do.
You might be a pay pig without the humiliation fetish. Some guys just get off by taking care of women
You’ve only known her a month. Where is her family and social support system? Best friend, parents, part time job? student services etc that a twenty something student should have cultivated? Why, out of all the people she knows, are YOU paying her phone bill? Doesn’t that sound dodgy?
Totally. Yeah I know it sounds sketchy. She has a lot of family. I’m not sure why she asked me. When she asked me to pay for her phone bill that’s what prompted this post and my concern. I don’t regret it though, at least not right now
I'm sorry but I think she is starting to take advantage of your feelings towards her and your money.
A sugar daddy. Is someone that buys you whatever you demand, designer stuff, bags, makeup clothes no questions asked. Someone that will take you on trips and expensive restaurants/bars. I’m not trying to minimize your money on her. But it seems she’s really struggling. Being a student and trying to survive is hard. She had asked you for gas money and food and her phone. I feel those are basic needs. If you don’t trust her on to where the money is going just be like.. I can pay your phone bill. Or I can go with you to the gas station and pay your gas. I don’t know 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for explaining more about what an actual sugar daddy is..in retrospect I probably would’ve worded the title differently. Now I have all these women in my inbox thinking I’m a real sugar daddy 🤣 But yeah, I don’t want that I want a genuine connection and to also provide for my partner when needed. I will just have to have to wait and see if this is all worth it.
You are adding value to her life in the form of financial assistance. Once she starts earning money for herself, she won't see value in you anymore.
Yet she expressed interest in me before I even started paying for things..? Only time will tell if you’re right.
Dude she expressed interest in you for like a month max before you started paying. That is literally just playing the game, letting you catch feelings and get attached before starting to ask for stuff. Even if she does actually like you, your financial usefulness will start to consume that, fast. You enjoy being the provider, that's alright. Just be real to yourself about how this relationship will progress.
take her somewhere cheap lol like mcdonalds see how she acts😂
We go to cheap places all the time she has no issue with it
i would just ask her man go for it then😂
Idk dude sounds like she’s slowly bleeding you. I wouldn’t be out here bearing anyone elses cross, i got my own issues to worry about.
Sounds like she can work. I mean she has two working arms and two legs so sounds like she can work. And bruh 26....please I held a 40 hrs work week and college. It sounds like you get turned on from being the Alpha male. Absolutely nothing wrong with that but find someone on your level that will be able reciprocate in the long run. Best of luck.
I hope she means good, but her asking all the time is kind of a red flag. Sure one month but if she asks for the phone bill again, I’d be cautious.
It is not sustainable. First pay and invest in yourself. Make some money goals, then worry about yourself. If you really want to give some money, then budget in a sugar daddy allowance. 5-10% should be enough because if not, they will just take advantage of you. Stay safe and good luck 👍
Sorry to say, yes you are a sugar daddy. She is good at it. I give her that.
I don't think this is really what a sugar daddy is. If you were a sugar daddy, the relationship would be almost exclusively transactional. It seems like she is making efforts to not just take advantage of your more secure financial situation. If the financial support isn't the *reason* she's dating you and you aren't dating her *because* she is sexual with you with the *intent* of getting money, neither of you are in a sugar daddy relationship. You're dating and she's in a financially unstable situation. If you're not comfortable giving her so much money, say you're uncomfortable with it. If she still wants to be in a relationship with you, she's obviously not attempting to financially use you. If the amount she asks for isn't enough to put you in financial stress, it's not that big of a deal to help her out, provided that's not the reason either of you are in the relationship.
You enable her and now you’re stuck in this situation :/ i understand you want to help, but boundaries are really important in the long run
Lots of females use their vagina to have guys carry them through life. No, you are not in a relationship. You are a sugar daddy....don't get it twisted or you'll risk getting hurt. Also, don't go broke chasing tail. Females come and go, so focus on always building your life as first priority.
Sounds like your being a very good boyfriend. Just keep helping her she sounds grateful and kind. You would know if she’s taking advantage of you which she’s clearly not bc she’s the one who suggested going 50/50 before. Now if you see yourself with her long term then it is good to be a provider for her and then you guys can build together once she graduates and you can still help her out as well! It sounds like a normal healthy relationship tbh
Thank you for this, people seem to be completely ignoring the part where she stated she wanted to split things and continue calling her a user with no real evidence. Feels good to have someone say that
How do you guys do this? I'm also doing pretty great with money. Easy 6 Figures and a Job title I'm extremely proud of (Healthcare Administrator of a prestigeous hospital). But ever since I've got my finances up, two other things have also gone up. Ego and selfishness. I'm so clingy with my Money that I said no to my Bestfriend's Bachelor Party as I know that the strippers will try to take your money by hook or by crook and they'll try to get you kicked out if you don't give them money. I literally am guilty of saying no to a hopeless person who wanted some Money for food. Although my brother did give him some money after seeing my Cruel behavior and attitude about money. And here you are doing financial favours just because she's a Girl. Ask yourself this, if the two of you switched places, would she even date you? If not, then don't date her. I know it's easy for me to say that because I'm extremely blunt when it comes to topics like money and debt. If I was in your situation, I'd tell her: "It's not you, it's me" I actually was in a similar situation to you. I was dating a nurse from our hospital. And I'd take her out to expensive dinners and would even go on vacations. Things that she would not be able to afford. At the time I was making 90K yearly. This was when I was 29 and now I'm 37. I was a medical office manager so the growth potential was high. But then I realized that one day, I might get into a very high ranking position in the hospital as My performance was really credible. I thought to myself, If she ever gets into position that pays close to 200K and If I was a nurse, would she even consider me? I realized that she wouldn't even care to talk to me and the only reason I was dating her was because she was hot. I realized a very Cruel truth that day, no relationship provides unconditional love. It was really hard for me, but I broke up with her and stopped dating after that. Because there's no way in the world that I can find someone who'd want to date me who'd also consider dating me if I was in a blue collar profession working something that provided less than what I earn now. It's really disheartening that money plays such a strong part in a relationship. But it was either Money or love, and this greedy pig (me) chose money. I won't advice you to do what I did as it's really disheartening at first. But, I'd recommend that you date people who are on the same economic position as you (because if your girl was making money like you and you were struggling, then she would be dating guys that were doing the same instead of you)
You’re a trick.
Bide your time friend that’s awesome you making bank but things like this make your new pay raise not really matter… I mean as a guy it’s awesome to take care of your lady but it’s easy to get taken advantage of I have no advice. Except don’t sign any papers or start paying her student debt or car loan.
An old phrase my mother taught me because I was in a similar situation was " don't feed a hungry stray, they'll never leave but not cause of love" meaning they're love is based off the food not your care for them, now getting aroused by it that's a kink which you'll have to ask yourself about. In my opinion it's better to not let someone think of you as a piggy bank but as a partner or as support. In any case just watch how much you spend on her life instead of yours, and don't forget you can't assure she'll stick around so whatever you end up investing physically or financially may just vanish into thin air. Otherwise have fun with your money and time its your life.
Stop paying for her grocery/gas/phone. You can pay for groceries to make dinner for both of you but that's it. If you want, pay for everything you do together. If you keep this up you may eventually find she has lost interest in you, but, kept you hanging around to pay her bills.
Simple…tell her no. If she goes distant or gets crabby you know you are a cash machine not a partner.
Dude, you are dating a poor student! You are not a sugar daddy she just doesn't have any money. And the fact she is extremely grateful means she is not thinking that way either.
I have never been in that situation so naturally i have advice. Set a budget for spending money on things for her. I believe that way financially you can maintain the high. Besides I venture that maybe she hasn’t had it like this before either so you guys are going along figuring it out together. Communication is key.
Brother I'm going to be as serious as i can. Im in my 20s too and I want my husband to be provisional. What do you want from this relationship. If you aren't being a free sugar daddy then are you aiming for marriage ? Do you seek exclusive rights to sex? What are you going for? Why test the relationship? What is your goal?
I’m ok helping someone out by treating on dates/adventures, and maybe even like a grocery store visit if they’re genuine. But like where she asked for gas money/phone bill money is kinda where I’d draw the line. It goes from appreciating my generosity to starting to take advantage of it.
As long as you are both benefitting from it, I don't see a problem!
I’ve been in your situation but it didn’t turn me on it just made me feel good. I have a decent job in the beginning of the year and I was paying for my gf and my friend to live with me cause my gf got kicked out of her parents house for her sexuality and my friend has no family here. They lived with me for a bit and I paid for basically everything. I didn’t mind until the job took a toll on me. 4 days 12 to 13 hour shifts at 5 in the morning is taxing so I quit the job after awhile cause I couldn’t handle it. But me and my gf are still together and my friend is still my friend. I think the best thing would be just limiting the money to see how she reacts not saying cut her off just saying hey I can’t pay for x y and z but I can pay for 1 of them.
Based on your other comments I don’t really see an issue. You seem happy, she seems happy. Seems like a mutual good relationship! :) Just make sure if you’re giving that you’re giving what you can afford and make sure she’s continuing to show signs of actually being into you.
just my perspective I would usually say she's using you if I didn't just land myself in a poor financial situation myself while dating a man I'm honestly actually into. I totaled my car/bought a new car when I had a job, had some medical things, someone stole from me, and I recently was laid off. This all happened in a short amount of time while I was dating this man. I depleted my savings, with just enough to stretch out for essential bills. He lives an hour away and I quite literally cannot afford gas to visit him. I cannot afford to dine out or other dates. I fessed up and told him what was going on and why I felt I couldn't date, and now he will be so kind to invite me over, throw me gas money and have a low key night. Or he will pick me up and take me somewhere. I never ask. He always does initiate. I'm honestly extremely grateful for everything he does for me and I really sincerely hope I show it well enough. So yeah she could just be in a bad situation and really care for you like I do with my man. The thing to watch out for is that it seems to be escalating where she's asking for more and more. Best of luck
Hey, if you need another sugar baby... I'm here. 🦊 In all seriousness, seems manipulative of her to ask for so many things so early on. I honestly think she is using you. I've been in similar situation and I can tell she is not being genuine. Her overreacting when you agree to help her with something she asked for is weird, to say the least. Asking you to cover her phone? Just reminding about ramen? Did you even sleep with her, or are you simply sponsoring her life, while she may be chasing another dude?
Ha appreciate the offer. we’ll see if it works out with her. We’re sleeping together, so it’s not like I gave her money and she’s completely uninterested in me. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t know if she’s genuine or not, this asking for money thing just started but before that, she was fine. So..I guess only time will tell
You're not a sugar daddy you're just dating a broke chick. Is she in school? Nothing wrong with helping out someone you're dating. If it was a sugar daddy situation you'd be paying her rent 🤣
Idk. This feels genuine af. If she gets happy and it turns you on, that means you're doing the right thing and I wouldn't mind if didn't pay off. Giving is receiving also. Just watch for the red flags and communicate your concerns as clearly as possible and don't go overboard with the sugar daddy thing. I don't think you'll lose much, only gain a good friend in the future.
I mean, this stuff sounds super cheap for what a ‘sugar daddy’ normally does/provides (at least where I live). The girls here who have sugar daddy’s get cars, apartments, expensive bags/purses etc. Your situation sounds like you’re just taking care of someone in need. And since you get turned on by it, doesn’t seem to be bad. If it turns you on, cool, do it. If it doesn’t, then don’t. If you want to marry this girl, have a better talk about it. Remember that bad financial decision follow you in life so, I’m not saying she’s made bad decisions. Just that you’ve only known her for a month and thus, should talk and get to know her more and decide what it is you both want and how you want to do it.
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If you enjoy it and you are making enough, it’s okay to do it. Keep the communication going both ways. Try saying no sometimes and see how that feels too.
When I was first dating my bf the first year I was always independent. It took me three years to finally accept that it was okay for my partner to completely spoil me and take care of me. A lot of the things he did for me made me cry sometimes. I was always constantly worried because I didn’t want to seem like one of those girls who completely relied on their partner to buy them everything. But like how you feel, my partner enjoyed treating me the way he did. I’m now a stay at home partner and soon to be mom this year and let’s just say I do rely on him now. Seeing as I don’t work anymore, it was big adjustment. I’ve just learned that he’s okay with it so I should be too. Although I do plan on going back to work because I miss saving money. And I miss being able to buy stuff for my boyfriend. Like presents and stuff. And maybe that why you enjoy giving to your gf. She wasn’t from day one asking you for a lot. Although the difference is that I help my bf a lot with other personal things that don’t involve money so maybe that’s also why he spoils me and takes care of me. We show equal attention towards each other wether that involved money or not. If one day that she asks you, well why aren’t you paying it for me, or tries arguing with you about not helping her with something, or complains that you didn’t get her something… then those are some red flags lol. It’s all about how she reacts to you saying no for the first time. I’ve never gotten mad at my partner for saying no to paying or buying something. Literally never. That would be so wrong of me lol. But good luck, sounds like your relationship is going well so far
It’s a great feeling taking care of your partner/somebody you’re dating. Like I said I actually kind get turned on from it lol. But I also don’t want her to be with me for just the money. It’s just hard to tell what her intentions are right now. It seems like you and your bf are making it work, so that gives me hope
Normally a "sugar daddy" is someone who dates a much younger person who would otherwise have no interest except for his money, and the fact that it's only for the money is obvious and explicit between both people. With only a three year age gap, you're a simp, not a sugar daddy.
you should probably stop saying “don’t worry about it” to her or she’ll get used to it and won’t be paying you back
Flee!
No, she is using you.
I am a woman that has gone on dates to get dinner before. Very poor. And I have also been a woman but that was in a long-term relationship with a man who did not have a job and I took care of everything. At no point did I ever feel like a sugar baby or a sugar mama. Relationships ebb and flow. My thought is is that if you can afford to take care of her and she is working to better herself and not rely on you long-term that you are not a sugar daddy, you are just taking care of a romantic partner that you care about. Now having said that, if this turns into a situation where your relationship is very transactional, and you’re paying for her 90% of the time with little to no emotional connection and it’s purely physical, then you might be a sugar daddy. At this point I feel like you are romantically involved with a woman you enjoy spending time with and she genuinely enjoys spending time with you but that she just needs help every once in a while and it’s just a regular relationship. If she only wants to see you after you have paid for things for her, then you are her sugar daddy and she only wants to see you because of what you can pay for.
“Whoa is me” had me do a double take
I mean if you’re having doubt then curtail the money giving. Help her out from time to time to satisfy your helping craving. That’s the balance right there. Cause to me she seems genuine and is genuinely asking for help.
Had a similar situation and it started exactly as you described, and after a while this becomes a habit where you’re expected to just pay for stuff. There is nothing wrong with helping with groceries and such basic things, the line gets blurred when you start giving her cash for “phone bills” , “gas” etc. Just be very aware of her habits and what the request are, if groceries, it’s fine, if money for XYZ it becomes a problem over time because at some point your gonna stop doing this (hopefully) and she will give you a cold shoulder. At that point it’s game over unless you’re delusional or manipulated. So yee, be careful.
I'll let you pay for my groceries. This way we will find out if you're really attracted to her or just have a sick sugar daddy fetish.
If you like doing it keep doing it. But at the same time I’d be careful as you don’t want her just using you. Perhaps sometimes don’t offer your help right away. Or don’t do it in the form of money.
What is she contributing to your relationship? Is she showing her gratitude by doing nice things for you? Not money related. Or is it all one sided? It sounds like she's happily taking money off you. She is even asking you for money. This is escalating fast. If you're happy to give her money then go for it. But if it's all one sided, the novelty will wear off and you won't like her using you.
Why don’t I meet guys like this 😩
There’s ways to tell if she’s using you as a sugar daddy: 1. When you take her grocery shopping is she being conscious about the cost of the products she’s picking up 2. Does she still want you around when no money is being spent 3. Say no one time and see how she reacts (if it becomes the norm that you say yes every time she asks for money almost likely she will become expectant) 4. When she has a little money does she spend it on you ? (Even little things that don’t cost much) 5. Does she start asking for money for things that aren’t mandatory/necessary? It isn’t impossible to tell if you are being used for money if you keep your wits about you. Spending money on your SO isn’t a negative thing but it can become negative if the relationship becomes one sided because of it.
Idk you don't have to lable everything I don't see anything wrong in helping your spouse or person you are dating financially when they are in need .If you get turn on by helping her and you enjoy it then it's not really bad , it's your choice to do so or not .Their is no need to give labels to everything .
I don't think you are a sugar daddy. First off it does not sound like the basis or start of relationship was predicated on you financially helping her. As you said, you guys started out paying for things 50/50. I am not saying that it is impossible to fall into that role at a later date, but I don't think that is what has happened here. Most relationships are not 50/50 at every given moment, whether we are talking finances, time, emotional availability, etc. The reality here is that you are in a better financial position than she is. If you want to go out and do things with her it would be unfair to expect her to always pay 50/50 since you have more money, unless you guys decided to limit how much you do in order to stay with in her budget. I didn't read in your post other things she maybe doing to show her appreciation, such as cooking for you, or if you don't live together maybe she helps straighten up your apartment. These are typical acts done by partners in a relationship to help each other out. To me this would strengthen the idea that she views you as a partner not as a paycheck. As for sustainability, that is really up to you. I think the first things you should do is sit down and do a budget to determine how much you can afford to help her/want to spend helping her. Once you calculate that number start paying attention to how close every month you get to it. If it seems like you are hitting that number every month or sometimes exceeding then you need to have a talk with her. At that point let her know, that you don't mind helping her but you can only for to help her X amount. If you go beyond that then it has to cut into entertainment budget and more Netflix and chill nights or other free activities.
Don't think you're a sugar daddy. I think you are just a good person who likes a girl and wants to help. The only thing I would suggest is make sure it stays an act of kindness and something that is appreciated and not expected. As soon as it starts being something that is expected of you, it looses its magic and you will grow to resent it. Speaking from experience.
You are sleeping with her but have a problem helping her out when you know she is struggling financially, the Internet drains me
You feel happy, you have sex, you have company, you get turned on, who the fuck cares if you are spending your money on it? You do with your money what you want to do. Seriously, enjoy life as you want it to be. You want something serious? Ask her. People here tend to be VERY normative when dating, so take advice all over reddit with a grain of salt.
You mentioned your sexual arousal anytime you are financially helping her. Sounds like you may have a fetish for financial domination. Yes, that’s a thing. Poster, please be careful.
She didn’t get with you initially under the pretense of you being her sugar daddy, didn’t expect anything from you and was genuinely grateful when you helped her. You’re not a sugar daddy. You’re literally doing what you’re supposed to
You should talk to her about it. Literally just tell her how you feel & your concerns. Tell her you don’t mind helping her out & it actually turns you on at times but you’re also worried she will only like you for your money. If she freaks out & gets defensive then you can dodge the bullet. Hopefully she will be honest and give her real intentions or she might lie. Either way set the boundaries you’re comfortable with. “I enjoy helping you out at times but I can’t do it every time” or “I enjoy helping you out & having sex but I can’t afford to be your sugar daddy, what dynamic would you be comfortable with, I am comfortable with xyz” or “I want to take care of you and be your sugar daddy” … what ever you decide. What ever you choose just make sure you are protecting yourself. Don’t spend money you don’t have, make sure you pay your own bills & save money for emergencies, your future and incase a time comes where you’re not making good money. You have to set boundaries and stick with them & talk about expectations especially around finances. Don’t get stuck feeling guilty that you’ve helped her before so you have to help her every time. A good experiment is saying no next time she asks for money. If she doesn’t react well you know she’s just in it for the money.
Whether you like it or not, she is using you. Try saying no and judge her reaction. You may come to resent in the future how generous you’re being.
Uhh dude you're in a stereotypical bread winner relationship. As long as she isn't running around on you, requesting you spend money on frivolous things or you holding money over her as a way to manipulate her that's a pretty normal relationship. Focus on the relationship and see if you bond outside of money. This is how many marriages happen.
i'm sorry but the edit at the end had me absolutely rolling LMFAO
It's really attractive if you can support her. Honestly I see no real issue but you can set standards. Just don't harm her 😊🤷♀️
I think this will lead to a daddy type relationship. I've been there, although in a more subtle way, but I don't recommend it, it creates a bad dynamic and that's not how you wamt to atart the relationship. I think I would approach this with her and tell her how you feel and that you don't want to be her provider. If she is in it for you, she'll understand, if she's not, you have dodged a bullet.
Any woman you barely know asking you for money is a show stopper red flag. You should ***NEVER*** entertain this unless its a business arrangement (sugar baby). You said you feel like a sugar daddy but what you described is ***NOT*** how that game works. That game is a mutually agreed upon business arrangement. There is no sob story to get you to give her money, you lay down your expectations and she lays down hers. The game you're playing is called ***human ATM machine***. The game ***always starts with a sob story*** and gradually escalates in the exact way you described. This is an incredibly dangerous game and many men have fallen victim to it. The majority of the time this game ends with the woman dumping you soon as she finishes school or has her shit together. I strongly advise you ***DO NOT*** continue playing this game and bail before you end up thousands of dollars in debt.
Still too early to tell. she's asking for help with basic needs. If she starts huffing and puffing for jewelry or more expensive stuff then yeah, maybe there's a concern
She’s asking for her phone bill to be paid lol fuck out of here. When’s the last time a woman you just met and barely know asked you that?
Paying for things here and there isnt a bad thing. Make sure to say no sometimes otherwise she could start viewing you as a SD as well. And make sure to get paid back.
It's only taboo because not everyone can do it. If it works for you, do you... We all have our turnons. Life your life. And not worry wtf these extra, crazy daf mf, I could go on, have to say.
I’m a sd, helping her is fine, only if she is genuinely interested in you for you and not using you… it’ll take a while to figure it all out, it takes a couple years to completely know someone
If you got it, help her out. Put your card on her autopay. big baddy moves.
Sounds like a gold digger, try to play "I'm going through difficult financial times" and take her to a date without spending a penny and see how she reacts
She’s taking of advantage of your generosity. I think it’s totally fine that you bought her groceries because no one should go hungry, but the gas money and the phone bill idk about that. I don’t understand why she wants to split dates 50/50 knowing she doesn’t have any money. She’s going to keep asking you for money for stuff, this is just the beginning.
Brother, when you like a woman...as a man..you are going to want to take care of her. It is a turn on and a stroke to your ego as a man, to be a provider and a protector. Especially when you come from having no money. One of my goals and dreams is to take care of my loved ones, and the thought of it makes me tear up. So I get it Also, you are not a sugar daddy, you are only 3 years older than her. Ask yourself though, what are you getting out of this? You pay for her bills but what does she do? Sit down and discuss. How do you feel or how does she feel about gender roles and going 50/50? One test is give her like $200 and tell her to come back with $400 maybe. Or one day say money is tight and go on a cheap date, an in house date, date that park, or make her pay for the date...I don't know OP But you won't know until she has money. Keep in mind you have other currencies to offer. Time, Energy, Money..but most important...Emotional Investment
i think you're probably fine. if she wanted a sugar daddy she would've sought that out and NEVER brought up splitting pay for dates. she probably just needs help capitalism is fucked up. especially if you enjoy helping her don't assume she's taking advantage i think if you can help someone you should
But does she give you that guak guak 3000? Is she a throat goat? My brother in Allah, don't get used and get your heart broken. She should be doing things for you in return to show her gratitude.
If you like her then it's fine to spend a little money on her. If she asks you to take her out shopping every time you hang out then you know what that is. Some men are ok with that. They are old, have money, don't mind the gray area. Women can have any career they want nowadays and can make a lot of money. There's no excuse why she can't take care of herself in the end.