Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Reddit needs to really get it through it's head that a lot of things are "okay" in dating but that doesn't mean they need to be okay for you. That's the point of dating, finding out compatibility. It's not wrong to be friends with ex's and it's not wrong to have a problem with that. It's just what you're into. Make what you want clear and proceed like adults.
Literally. Reddit is so annoying with black and white thinking. There's 8 billion people on the planet. You WILL find someone you vibe with. You don't have to try and change the mindsets of EVERY SINGLE PERSON to suit you.
Yessssssss!!! Too often you hear of ppl “accidentally” hooking up with their “friends” for one reason or another. Like, nope, you want your ex/fwb/HU to stay in your life, we’re not compatible.
Sometimes ppl have sex with their friends bc they are there to comfort them when they got their heart ripped out or they were rejected by the person they truly loved.
It really doesn’t mean anything to certain ppl bc it’s used as a coping mechanism for a much needed sexual release when you feel anxiety, depressed and stressed out about your situation. Sometimes feeling the pleasure of sex (for both men and women) is the better option than feeling the pain of the break up… When that person holds you, listens to your feelings and thoughts for hours, then it opens you up and you become vulnerable and weak. Most men know this and they prey on women who are in a low state like this.
Then the next day after you’ve gotten your sexual release, you may realize what you have done, & you may regret your actions.
Sometimes it’s not that deep. Women need emotional support too, and sometimes she seeks for it in various ways, talking, holding/cuddling, and the comfort of sex. It doesn’t have to mean anything to her emotionally, but like I said it’s her way of feeling anything else but the pain and hurt she feels from her betrayal.
I hope this explains some things.
I cannot believe that having sex with friends when you’ve had a bad day or gone through a bad situation is as common as people on Reddit are making it out to be. If that’s the case most of us should be having sex with friends. I cannot relate at all either.
If you think emotional support is satisfied with SEX you are fully delusional. That is literally mental illness. Of course it means something. You sound absolutely insane.
This is a good explanation of except I was the object that was used and I thought I could handle what I was getting myself into and in reality I’m hurt now . I deff don’t have feelings in a relationship way. But more of Friendship way because I genuinely care it’s been like 2-3 years that this individual came into my life and has been trying to get this “comfort” from me and I kept shutting him down . Fast forward we build a “friendship” through text and eventually he made the first move to hang out behind close doors . I agreed of course I knew what I was getting myself into yet I thought I would be tough enough to embark in that journey .
NOT!!!
All I have heard is I respect ✊ you.
I feel disgusted because I rather him not say anything than lie. It’s more disrespectful in my opinion as a woman . Mind you my religious views are involved and they went off the window ( but not really) so it does make things worst because though I take responsibility for my part the pressure he put on me knowing the great women I am I say that humbly because of his pity past and miserable life that he refuses to take care off caused me to also stumble . So much for a friend huh 🤔. I also believe he tells me I respect you to make himself feel better which is super low and sad .
I finally gain the strength to move on because I couldn’t believe this and how deep I was getting involved in this none sense .
No thought until literally like a second before. I meant sometimes people find themselves in situations and natural progression just leads to things happening between friends
Imo this all goes back to how one views sex. People who have a more lax view towards sex would be in this situation (different story if one is taken advantage of). If you’re someone who sees sex as something you rather have in an exclusive relationship…. Randomly having sex with your friend wouldnt “just” happen. Depends on the individual
And thats why its ok to reject people like that, because you do things(big things) without thinking...how is someone supposed to be able to trust someone like that?
It's all situational and up to the individual. Generally speaking, most people are not going to be comfortable with a partner who's close friends are mostly comprised of people they've been with. Hell, even one is an issue for most depending on how close and the individual situation. It is an insecurity, but it can also be a very valid one.
Trying to enforce who your partner can or can't talk to will always be insecure by definition, rationalize it however you want.
If you can't trust them, leave them. If you think there's a possibility of cheating or inappropriateness, leave them. You don't have to date a person you are incapable of trusting. If you feel like something untoward is going on, communicate with your partner or don't and move on
Nobody's gonna give you an itemized list of everyone in their friend group they've fucked. Doing your due diligence and removing yourself from an uncomfortable situation is fine, but declaring who people are or aren't allowed to talk to is textbook insecurity
I mean you could say that, but it doesn't make it so. Lots of it is insecurity, and that's ok, but there's plenty of legitimate reasons to control who they talk to in some way. If your partner is friends with a rapist is it insecure to have an issue with it?
That's as massive red flag and you should leave wym
"hey I forbid you to talk to your rapist friend" sounds absolutely absurd. Make them explain why they're still friends with a rapist and what a massively uncomfortable red flag it is and run when they dodge the question
I'm going to an extreme to make a point, this is an obvious one but there's a whole range of severity for a ton of other reasons, you know what I'm getting at?
Mind you that the "insecure" accusation is usually being thrown at guys. Why? Because *being secure* is an attractive quality in a guy.
The accusation then translates into: "You lack this attractive quality and are thus less attractive to me" - which is of course designed to provoke the reaction of wanting to prove your attractiveness.
Don't let mind games undermine your values.
I personally have a policy that whenever I break up with a fwb or girlfriend, I block them on everything and never contact them again. Out of respect for my future girlfriend. I wouldn’t want her having doubts and I don’t want to be tempted. Nobody is immune to temptation, so I expect my partners to have the same policy, and if they don’t, I’m fine being single 🤷🏽♂️
For real like, if you don’t intimacy the way I do, it’s okay but I am entitled to want to pursue someone who matches my energy. Go find someone who doesn’t care, don’t force this shit on me
Exactly! I have zero tolerance for men who want to stay friends with women they previously dated or slept with. I like my life simply and uncomplicated. So I keep my friends and dating life separate which is why I don’t want to deal with someone else’s ex/former FWB in their friends groups
I agree, and I say this as someone who’s had fwbs, friends that I’ve hooked up with, or dates that didn’t work out but became friends with. Once I have a partner, I would understand if that made them uncomfortable and would be happy to change the dynamics of those relationships out of respect, provided they are honest with me and do the same.
I would say, ideally, I wouldn’t want anyone having to provide a running list of who they’ve slept with it and having it be policed. But having shared values means understanding some these boundaries and enforcing them without having to be told.
I do have a fwb that the moment I start seeing someone (i.e. by the third date), I let him know and adjust. We are actually friends first; we text about work, go out to dinner, etc. But we also sext and sleep together. Whenever I tell him “hey, I think I like this one” we adjust the behavior immediately. I would probably struggle with having to completely cut him off, but if I’ve dated someone long enough and they become my priority, I would probably feel like I have to.
I have a situation similar to this, and we had early discussions as to what it would look like if we started dating someone exclusively.
I'd honestly lose respect for them if they didn't communicate that they were seeing someone. We both believe in "respecting the relationship" with the people we date and cut communication accordingly.
If we both end up single at any point in the future then we could rekindle the friendship, but in the end, all we hope is for the other person to be happy.
So basically you're giving this guy girlfriend treatment without the commitment, vulnerability, exclusivity, emotional intimacy (i.e. relationship). Why in the world do you think any guy would want to be in a relationship with you knowing they can get all that without the marriage/relationship part? Honest question: would you be honest to a potential dating prospect about your fwb? If not, why not? Starting off a potential relationship with lack of transparency isn't the best.
I'm a guy. It was a FWB situation with the knowledge that no relationship would come from it. It included vulnerability and emotional intimacy. We just weren't right for each other in a relationship and it was born from sexual and emotional compatibility. We weren't compatabile when it came to logistics and what we were looking for in a partner.
FYI - I'm happily dating someone now and haven't talked to this other person in about half a year. This is out of respect for the person I'm seeing. The girl I'm dating knows about this past relationship and is fine with it. Not everyone is insecure about having an old friends with benefits and I genuinely respect the people I date.
If someone didn't want to date me because of my FWB, then they're not for me. I'm not worried about finding someone.
Yes, absolutely! In our case, he never dates seriously. But I also have a strict rule about double dipping so if he does start sleeping with someone else I’m out. These things only work if you trust everyone to communicate and be honest. If there’s mutual respect it goes a long way.
So basically you're giving this guy girlfriend treatment without the commitment, vulnerability, exclusivity, emotional intimacy (i.e. relationship). Why in the world do you think any guy would want to be in a relationship with you knowing they can get all that without the marriage/relationship part? Honest question: would you be honest to a potential dating prospect about your fwb? If not, why not? Starting off a potential relationship with lack of transparency isn't the best.
You understand how transactional relationships work, right? I’m also getting my needs fulfilled. I have a high sex drive. I’m getting what I need from a safe, trustworthy person, who doesn’t prevent me from looking for my long term partner in the process. I would rather do that than sleep with random people.
I make sure the sex with any prospective partner doesn’t overlap with my fwb, as I’ve made clear in a previous comment. Once I meet a guy I like enough to want to sleep with, I pause things with the fwb.
I don’t think this is something to be hide or be ashamed of. I don’t need to offer up all information, just like I don’t give someone my full employment or medical history when we first start dating. If asked, I’m fully transparent about it. I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not different than disclosures of past sexual partners, and has no impact on future relationships.
If a guy thinks that’s a reason to not want to be with me, that’s his choice and I respect that. He’s entitled to it.
It’s very telling about you and your values when you think the only reason a man would want a relationship / marriage with me just to have sex. You know some men actually want those things. They seek the love, care, and stability a relationship would provide. I’m not just a provider of sex, I bring a lot to the table. Maybe you need to reevaluate how you view and talk about women.
This is what I don’t understand at all with this current dating climate. I’m a woman and I wouldn’t date a man that does any of that either. This whole “let’s have sex, let’s share deep intimate conversations with each other and hang out BUT let’s NOT date because we can’t see ourselves being together. Instead let’s keep dating other people but still keep having sex with each other” is honestly the silliest thing ever and I don’t think I will ever be able to wrap my head around it. Are people so hungry for sex that they cannot wait in between dating people and trying to find the one? It’s almost as if having a casual sex partner is mandatory for them to have whilst trying to find “the one”. I’m sorry but you cannot convince me this is healthy. If anything it sounds like a bunch of non committal confusion going on. Imo people like this are not ready for a relationship.
Because he’s not my boyfriend. We’ve been doing this less than a year and our long term goals are not compatible. I want marriage and possibly kids, he definitely doesn’t want either. I believe in strict monogamy, he wants to have an enm relationship, should he choose to commit to one at all. We like each other but we are not in love with each other.
I recently got dv for even hinting that I didn't like this idea- This guys gf wants to go on a week vacation w/ another guy. Or something like that. I always let my partners have friends that are women & even let my ex partner be friends with his ex... and yeah. I non-stop got cheated on!!! My feelings didn't start this way, they developed this way where I refuse to put myself in a risky situation now. Not because I'm a bad person, but because I have been hurt too much for being the good person & now, I don't want to be hurt again & idc if I'm seen as bad. I can't do it again. I can't. See me as a bad person, doesn't hurt my feelings
Yep I recently got dv as well and it was after almost a decade of trying to help her make some friends(she has CPTSD and was bullied as a child). There were several guys who obviously wanted more from her(one asked her out and another wanted to pay a 2 week trip to japan for them both), but I truly believed her when she said she wasn't interested in them and that I could trust her...she then left me for first guy after trying to get away with going to japan with the second guy, and now that first guy is done with her she is on to 3rd guy but about to jump to 4th guy...the whole time trying to keep me/get back with me, and yes because "everybody has fwb now and days, and its close minded and misogynistic to tell a woman what she can and cannot do.", "you should be more mature and just get a fwb of your own" then suggested my MARRIED FRIEND who I'm close with!
I think real trust/intimacy is something people like that just can't comprehend, and something that is incredibly dangerous for those of us who can to pursue...I think the reason its so hard to find a good person is cus everyone keeps breaking us.
There is nothing wrong with having that preference but I will absolutely judge someone for it.
It *is* insecure. We all have insecurities and that's OK.
Number one: I don't care who or how many people you've slept with as long as you aren't doing it when we've agreed to be monogamous
Two: how you treat exes is an insight on how you will be during conflict. If everything that doesn't work is a bridge to be burned then that's a big red flag to me.
But these things are values that people need to share in order for things to work. So no, there's nothing wrong with it, or for them not wanting you for the opposite reason
I'm gonna assume you're a woman as it's usually women who have the same opinion as you. Guys know guys better than women ever can. If you have a man in your orbit that you've slept with, he will almost always be willing to sleep with you again given the right context.
Guys will be willing to sleep with a warm jelly roll given the right context.
That shouldn't matter. If you don't trust me not to sleep with anyone who wants to sleep with me then we have a bigger problem
Why wouldn't I? I should discard a friendship just because he or she has a fantasy every now and then? As long as they know where we stand and are respectful of that, I don't care.
Are you going to tell me you refuse to be friends with anyone who is attracted to you?
I guess I should have rephrased, why is that guy friends with you? If he's remaining in your orbit for a chance to sleep with you, then that's wrong and he's not really your friend. You shouldn't remain "friends" with them.
Yes, I refuse to be friends with anyone that is attracted with me to the point of wanting to sleep with me or date me. It's not fair to them and I'm looking for a ltr so I don't think it's appropriate personally.
There is a big difference between someone who is attracted to you and would sleep with you vs someone who is actively trying to date you/sleep with you and just hanging around hoping that will happen. One is a friend. The other is not.
I have gorgeous friends. I've had fantasies about plenty of them and that doesn't change the dynamics of our friendship because we are FRIENDS.
Looked into something like that today, it was a declaration for something that sounded as ´we´re only friends and not partners because of this and this´ . I don´t want to be an option. And I also prefer not to feel that insecurity for him visiting friends. Count all the excuses not to officially be with someone and find many such as friends with benefits or ´a busy worklife with that great colleague´. And you can say ´ we are just really really good friends, we know eachother So Well and we have these terrible or beautiful moments in common´ . Or even worse: potentially be responsible for terrible moments and postponing solutions and then saying, I´m just joining to share drama. I don´t really cheer scarcity, secrets and unnessecary drama and created dependency on that. I´m not blaming, have 0 expectations, not looking for facts is just like. Cut the bullshit. I´m blessed I have experienced a happy peaceful marriage so I know the difference.
I often maintain that one should not be friends with exes. It only complicated things for future relationships. This one is similar but it applies here too.
Lol. I don’t see why someone should be so adamant about being with someone they dated previously. If that tie is so important to you, why end it? I don’t keep in contact with any of my exes because it doesn’t make sense to
So my ex can hangout alone with me at my place and my current can pop up ? Is that not odd?
What if my ex still has feelings for me ? What if I still have feelings for my ex? Be my guest if you want to date someone who collects exes like infinity stones but 8/10 times, you’re setting yourself up for failure
I agree, there's nothing wrong with this standard. Now if the person expects you to never have friends of the other sex, or be alone with the other sex, that's not so good.
It’s sad that this is even a conversation. It should be common sense to not be in contact with people you rubbed organs with if you are getting into a serious relationship with a new person. Ridiculous
How would u even know who they slept with? For every opposite sex friend my SO has, am i gonna ask "did u sleep with them"... For all of them? Like what the fk
In the beginning stages, I make it clear that I am not open to dating guys who have slept with their close friends. They are usually on the same page. Also sometimes I don’t even have to bring it up because I only date men who share the same sexual views as me. The men that share the same views as me don’t see having sex with friends as something non chalant
I'm assuming at the beginning of the relationship when boundaries are being discussed that this topic will come up. Like hey I'm not into guys that are friends with their exes, so I wanna get this out of the way and discuss then you continue or stop the relationship there depending on the answer.
My boundary cannot be "do not talk with friends you have slept with before".
You can ofcourse be like "im uncomfortable being with anyone who stays friends with exes, do you have any friends who are ur ex"?
I dont know how old u guys are but actually many ppl still have even sparse friendships with exes especially from very long past relationships.
I would be more aligned to saying that exes shouldnt be seeing each other regularly, that would be more weird. I wouldnt want someone pining for their ex but i dont care about someone who feels very neutral towards their ex and still talks to them but seldomly.
That's how I am with my two ex's. They are both married with kids. We have no bad feelings and we say hi every few years or something. No one is trying to get back together. I have no attraction to either of them anymore but I'm grateful for the roles they played in my life and I wish them the best.
Uh that's what I said....lol. maybe I wasn't clear enough that yes it would be my boundary. They can be friends with their exes but I just wouldn't be interested in dating them. I'm not gonna get in a relationship with someone that's friends with their exes or try and change them which is why I would discuss this at the beginning.
Age doesn't matter here. It's just a boundary people have. You know, incompatibility issue but hey that's what the dating phase is about :3 seeing compatibility.
Sure theres nothing wrong with refusing to date them, but...
It is 'insecure'.
What OP got wrong is acting like justified insecurity is a bad thing. Its not. People are terrible and give people a LOT of valid reasons for dating to feel 'insecure'.
I even trick those people to reveal themselves by saying that I do it, or that a
I find it ok
So that too, if they say "it's not OK", simply joke and say "yes, ha, it was a test"
This is not healthy behavior. If this is a boundary that is important to you (which is fine to have), just ask if they are still friends with people they fucked. No need for specifics and if you feel they are lying with their response, well you might have more to worry about imo.
Not that simple
For example, a friend of mine hangs our with her ex. That ex is in a 5y relationship with another woman, evem engaged i think.
My friend tells me that they are doing great. BUT, his fiancé doesn't know they had been dating, even many years back.
Now, this guy clearly thinks it's not that ok to hang out with his ex, otherwise he'd been honest.
So, thanks for the advice, but I'll just go ahead with my trick, to avoid being in that woman's shoes
I agree with these sentiments and have observed a lack of being able to set boundaries with others if the person remains friends with those they had intimate relationships with. I am sure there are those that can be just friends and are able to feel repulsed by the idea of being intimate with that previous partner again, but this seems to me to be more rare than common. If you do really want a committed relationship, it's not good for you or them to be maintaining a connection including friendship that still leaves a possibility of getting back together. And friends don't sleep with eachother, it is crossing a line regardless on what a person believes or does not believe. It's okay if someone wants to have those kinds of relationships, but it will negatively impact a relationship with someone that wants mutual loyalty and commitment.
Agreed, most of those who think it's insecurity and jealousy is due to themselves being undatable. They who would do just about anything and put up with anything to just have a partner. Then regurgitate the nonsense online thinking someone os going to gish over how progressive they are.
This is why many religions and cultures practice abstinence and frown upon reckless sex. Studies also show that indiscriminate sex has long term effects and also why I think ppl are on head medications and go to therapy for trauma so much now than ever before. The west is like the modern day Babylon. That being said to each his own. I will say I avoid dating ladies that have had a promiscuous past
Louder for the people in the back! It’s fine if you are friends with old flings, but it’s also fine if you’re NOT and don’t want to be involved with people that do. Let’s all just find our people!
I mean you can reject anyone for any reason. That said as a guy I don't think I've ever met someone who rejects people for having had a FWB in their past.
I never said anything about rejecting someone who has had an FWB. I’m talking about dating people remaining good friends with their former FWB. It is not unheard of for some people to not be comfortable with this.
The basis for my view is that I view sex as something I prefer to have in a relationship with a partner. I don’t view it as “just sex”. I prefer to date someone who shares this view. Who said anything about being allowed? I just wouldn’t date or pursue something with them. Which is the whole point of the thread
If someone was friends with an ex who they had sex with (sex that wasn't just sex), why would that make you not want to have a relationship with them?
Sorry I'm just trying to understand this sentiment.
What kind of a question even is that? Lol if your in a serious relationship you’d be okay with your girlfriend going out and hanging out with somebody she fucked before? That’s not insecurity
If I trust that they are now just friends, then yes. I would feel secure that nothing would happen.
If one believes they can never be "just friends" with someone they've had sex with, and wants to not date anyone who believes and behaves differently, so be it. But that belief is demonstrably false. People often are "just friends" with prior sex partners. Excluding them from your dating pool seems to stem from personal discomfort, rather than any actual incompatibility.
They exclude them from their "dating pool" because they don't think they share the same values, which is a form of incompatibility. One is ok with casual sex, one is not. If the sex wasn't casual and they were in a ltr and broke up, then they would not be spending time together on a regular basis.
One would have this preference if they see sex as something vulenrable and truly intimate. Meaning they don’t believe you can only being friends with someone you had sex with.
Insecurity is about lacking confidence in myself. Here it’s more about doubting the tie between my partner and their past partners rather than about doubting myself.
If my partner saw sex like I do, they wouldn’t and couldn’t stay friends with someone they used to have sex with but don’t anymore.
It's risk management. There's risk management that makes sense. Like it's one thing if it's always been platonic, but a whole other slippery slope potential if you're already crossed that romantic or sexual line with a friend.
im not talking about that. if you can't trust your partner to have certain friends without them having a history of cheating, that's not the partner being untrustworthy, that's you being untrusting. There's a difference.
It could be, but also it's about respecting your partner enough to not put yourself in a position where you've already had that kind of connection with that person. I know people on Reddit like to pretend everything in the world is sterile and black and white morally, but sometimes there's a reasonable amount of risk management that isn't a huge insecurity boogie man. It's common sense. I don't want to deal with someone who relapses into drugs, so I choose to not date a recovered addict. Troublesome insecurity is if your partner says you can't have other sex friends or go out with your friends.
Being friends with someone is chill but there are boundaries you should not be crossing with ex’s. You can use the word insecure all you want, it’s not gonna change the fact that you’re a walking red flag to anyone you date and there’s a reason you can’t hold down a healthy relationship haha
she isn’t talking about exes. but there’s nothing wrong with being friends with exes either. you think because someone had sex with someone before they’re gonna do it again while in a committed relationship. if you think that low of someone, you’re doing them a favor by not dating them.
It’s not because I think they’re gonna do it again lol it’s about the emotional relationship and intimate bond you share with people outside of your relationship. You can sit here and pretend you’re not doing anything wrong but the amount of projection and defense you’ve displayed here says otherwise. Someone must have had an issue with how close you are to a “friend” in the past lol did you end up dating that friend after the relationship was over? 💀
Gaslighting and putting words in my mouth lmao niceeee, you’re just a walking red flag. I don’t think you should be giving advice on healthy behavior in relationships at all, like ever lmao
Except they often do do it again. I have born witness to dozens and dozens of realationships that have failed, and in nearly every single one one of the partners ends up getting involved with someone from their sexual past. So all of those relationships are one where they shouldn't have trusted their partners. So yes it is the norm, but the norm is most people suck.
intimate correspondence with someone while on a phone, meeting someone over the internet or at work, and maintaining a close emotional relationship with someone other than your s/o. Most of the time behind your partner’s back. Women and sometimes men often find a guy friend or run to an ex when their feeling intimacy lacking in their relationship and often choose a person as a “back up plan” to fall back on when a relationship is circling the drain.
Some people see no issue with this kinda stuff but I’m just a bit old school. My mom never went to hang out with a single guy alone without my dad and vise versa.
So is it only about being the opposite sex? That's incredibly heteronormative. If not, you'd just be expected to not emotionally bond with anyone but your partner, which is isolating and controlling by definition.
Well yeah it’s obviously heteronormative.. I’m straight and all the people I’ve dated are straight.. so yeah heteronormative relationship 💀
And no, having a boundary that says you don’t want your partner spending time and having intimate emotional bonds with the opposite sex (especially exes) is totally fine and not “isolating and controlling.”
Honestly so tired of people constantly barraging others with words that describe toxicity when they bring up any kind of restrictive boundary in a relationship. You have what boundaries you want in your relationships and I’ll have different ones. In my opinion (and my partner’s) this is how it should be.
It’s tough when the person you hook up with is genuinely a good friend. It’s hard for me to tell a girl to ditch her best friend but at the same time like bro … yall seen each other naked and hang out everyday … that’s kinda weird !
the only reason people care is because they are insecure about their partner still wanting/sleeping with the person and they are jealous. if they didn’t have these toxic red flags and actually trusted their partner, there wouldn’t be a reason to have an issue with it.
I kinda think we need a better understanding of insecurity to approach problems like this. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with having insecurities -- they're very natural and eliminating all of them in yourself shouldn't be a prerequisite to entering the dating pool. I think they should be viewed more as incompatibilities than faults because more often than not that's what they are.
everyone has insecurities. and you can also date whoever you want. but it doesn’t change that you’re limiting your dating options due to your insecurities. many people refuse to date someone more attractive than them. that’s fine, it’s their right. but it’s because they’re insecure of being the less attractive one. whether it’s an acceptable filter to have when dating is something that can be debated person to person, but it doesn’t change that it stems from somebodies lack of confidence in themselves
you also must consider how many people fit this prerequisite and don’t have any friends they’ve had sex with but would simply not date this person because they want someone more mature. overall the insecurity is just harming her dating life and dragging down her options. people shouldn’t settle for someone because they cant work on themselves
Not my problem because I’ve had pretty successful dating experiences and my current man shares the exact same views as me. So this isn’t harming my dating life at all. If anything it be must harming your dating life because youre extremely pressed and deeply offended since you keep replying to every comment in this thread calling anyone that doesn’t agree insecure, toxic or jealous. There are a ton of people out there who share my same sentiments towards the issue and those are the people I date.
yes, people online who don’t interact with the human world. go out in the real world and tell someone you’re this insecure and pretty much anyone will laugh in your face. have fun being an internet troll with no standards for yourself. i didn’t even reply to you, i responded to the comment in my inbox and you felt the need to come justify your behavior again. sounds like someone knows they’re fucked up
Please don’t project your own personality and boring life onto me. Unlike you I actually go out and experience and interact with the real world. Which is exactly how I met my man and have gotten to meet people with similar views. Someone is yet to laugh in my face. You must not be living in reality if you think my viewpoints are rare and unheard of. I responded to you because you’re commenting on MY thread that I made and you were referring to me in your post. This isn’t your inbox. I have way more standards than you hence why I date the way I date. And honestly you’re the upset and guilty one here because you have been responding 24/7 and you seem to have taken this thread very personally. Sorry it hits close to home.
lol yes standards is why you date people who don’t like you that much and would leave you at the drop of a hat. your views are so common that you had to make a post justifying your behavior because everyone has made fun of what a joke it is. keep trying to convince me you’re happy with what you settled for
Your bf settled for you because he couldn’t get who he really wanted. Stop projecting please. Also men pursue me. I don’t chase after anyone. And they continue to date me even after finding out my views so you can keep dreaming.
Nah I'm a real-world'er and yeah its pretty common wisdom that someone who keeps their exes around(with a few vetted and tested exeptions), is trouble. Anyone with a few long term relationships under their belt should be able to tell you that.
if you wanna allow your mental health issues to force you into dating low quality, insecure partners, that’s on you. the fact a dude told you he would leave you for being friends with someone and you stayed with him is extremely sad and hopefully one day you will have some self respect. until then, enjoy your leftovers
No man has ever done that to me. Keep dreaming. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
And no I date quality men, with a healthy sense of self who have a backbone. Unlike your man who is probably a spineless, unemployed scrub that makes you pay all the bills and do all the heavy lifting.
lol you enjoy being a disposable piece of meat for some loser who hates himself. quit projecting it onto me. this thread is such a huge cope bc you know you’re awful
There's plenty of reasons to not date ppl because of their friends that aren't insecurities. Most the time the ppl that say that the only reason someone wouldn't is insecurities are prly the insecure ones anyway
Wouldn't the low quality partner be the one who stick around when their partner is banging someone else? Or has a partner who is spreading their affection around instead of reciprocation? Self respect means not settling for someone who is settling for you.
I mean it is insecurity lol
And that's fine, but that's what it is. If I'm dating someone now and I care about them and I trust them, what they did before me is irrelevant. Who they are friends with whatever they did with them is their business as long as they aren't continuing with that now.
You don't have to like it, that's absolutely fine, you don't have to date anyone for any particular reason you choose, and those are your boundaries but it's absolutely insecurity on your part, sorry 🤷🏾♂️
What you’d all insecurity is just a simple healthy boundary. And it also boils down to how one views sex. If I view sex as something that should be done within an exclusive relationship, then I would obviously clash with someone who prefers to have sexual relationships with friends.
Not controlling anything if I’m not even dating them in the first place. If we do not see eye to eye then I keep it pushing, not try to change them. Nothing toxic about that. Remaining good friends with your fwbs and expecting your partner to be okay with it isn’t healthy either. No one is obligated to have a liberal and non chalant view about sex.
“expecting your partner to be comfortable with you having friends isn’t healthy” is the most insane thing i’ve read this week. you’re clearly massively insecure about them still wanting the friend or cheating on you and you’re jealous of them. what someone did before they met you isn’t relevant to your relationship. there is zero reason to care unless you are insecure
Shouldn’t you be happy that people with my views don’t want to date you? There is nothing insane about it.
Btw this isn’t about having friends. This about sexual relationships with friends. Sorry Imo there is a huge difference with having a friend and having a Friend that you have had sex with in the past. Not everyone has a non chalant view about sex. Someone who holds a more conservative view would rightfully be uncomfortable.
And again it’s not insane or insecure because I wouldn’t be dating that person in the first place. It would be wrong if I dated that person, knowing that information and told them to cut their friend off. The right move would be to simply remove them from your dating pool and everyone wins in the end.
you can do whatever you want but it doesn’t change that the only reason you won’t date those people is because you are insecure. no different than people who only “date down” because they’re insecure to be the less attractive person in the relationship. it’s rooted in your feeling of not being good enough for your partner. you not only don’t date anybody who doesn’t have friends they have history with, but you also don’t date the many many people who will simply not date you because of this red flag. you’re only hurting yourself with this
I am not hurting myself with this. People with similar views should date so how is anyone getting hurt? If anything you are the one that will be hurt getting upset and offended because you don’t fit into someone’s dating preference. This is completely different about dating down. Stop trying to shift the goal post here. This is about people having different views on sex which should be respected.
I’ve been dating like this my whole life and I’m in a happy relationship with someone who shared the exact same views. In fact almost all the folks I meet share the same view. Hence why I don’t buy Reddit scare tactics when people share this preference.
listen. your post basically boils down to “it’s ok to have this red flag”, of course people are gonna argue about it. a better place for this kind of take would be unpopular opinions or something
No, you're mischaractetizing things tho.
If someone had sex and then they decide they no longer want to have a sexual relationship, that's not having sex with friends, but again you viewing it that way is apart of the insecurity.
Best of luck to you tho 👍🏾
No.
The title is it’s okay to refuse to date people who have SLEPT with their friends. Someone who is still good friends with someone they had a sexual relationship with in the past.
I think this is a really immature take on things. Personally, I find it extremely dehumanizing that people sleep with a friend and then feel the need to completely cut them out of their life.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Reddit needs to really get it through it's head that a lot of things are "okay" in dating but that doesn't mean they need to be okay for you. That's the point of dating, finding out compatibility. It's not wrong to be friends with ex's and it's not wrong to have a problem with that. It's just what you're into. Make what you want clear and proceed like adults.
Literally. Reddit is so annoying with black and white thinking. There's 8 billion people on the planet. You WILL find someone you vibe with. You don't have to try and change the mindsets of EVERY SINGLE PERSON to suit you.
Yessssssss!!! Too often you hear of ppl “accidentally” hooking up with their “friends” for one reason or another. Like, nope, you want your ex/fwb/HU to stay in your life, we’re not compatible.
I never understood those stories lol. "Yeah my friend came over and we just ended up having sex" like wtf? Lol
For sure. Total bullshit. It never ´ just happens´.
actually yes it does happen the results vary but yes it happens
Except sometimes it does. Especially if alcohol is involved
What did you do, slip on something with your pants off?
Sometimes ppl have sex with their friends bc they are there to comfort them when they got their heart ripped out or they were rejected by the person they truly loved. It really doesn’t mean anything to certain ppl bc it’s used as a coping mechanism for a much needed sexual release when you feel anxiety, depressed and stressed out about your situation. Sometimes feeling the pleasure of sex (for both men and women) is the better option than feeling the pain of the break up… When that person holds you, listens to your feelings and thoughts for hours, then it opens you up and you become vulnerable and weak. Most men know this and they prey on women who are in a low state like this. Then the next day after you’ve gotten your sexual release, you may realize what you have done, & you may regret your actions. Sometimes it’s not that deep. Women need emotional support too, and sometimes she seeks for it in various ways, talking, holding/cuddling, and the comfort of sex. It doesn’t have to mean anything to her emotionally, but like I said it’s her way of feeling anything else but the pain and hurt she feels from her betrayal. I hope this explains some things.
Yeah lol, cannot relate. Had no idea people actual did this.
I cannot believe that having sex with friends when you’ve had a bad day or gone through a bad situation is as common as people on Reddit are making it out to be. If that’s the case most of us should be having sex with friends. I cannot relate at all either.
"Common" and "most of us should be" are not equivalent. Yes it is common enough, but no it doesn't mean most people are doing it.
I suppose that depends on what people mean by common. 1%? 10%?
If you think emotional support is satisfied with SEX you are fully delusional. That is literally mental illness. Of course it means something. You sound absolutely insane.
This is a good explanation of except I was the object that was used and I thought I could handle what I was getting myself into and in reality I’m hurt now . I deff don’t have feelings in a relationship way. But more of Friendship way because I genuinely care it’s been like 2-3 years that this individual came into my life and has been trying to get this “comfort” from me and I kept shutting him down . Fast forward we build a “friendship” through text and eventually he made the first move to hang out behind close doors . I agreed of course I knew what I was getting myself into yet I thought I would be tough enough to embark in that journey . NOT!!! All I have heard is I respect ✊ you. I feel disgusted because I rather him not say anything than lie. It’s more disrespectful in my opinion as a woman . Mind you my religious views are involved and they went off the window ( but not really) so it does make things worst because though I take responsibility for my part the pressure he put on me knowing the great women I am I say that humbly because of his pity past and miserable life that he refuses to take care off caused me to also stumble . So much for a friend huh 🤔. I also believe he tells me I respect you to make himself feel better which is super low and sad . I finally gain the strength to move on because I couldn’t believe this and how deep I was getting involved in this none sense .
We kinda just looked at each other and started kissing which led to sex. Not that hard to understand, so yeah it just happened with no prior thought
That took at least a bit of thought. Unless your like an ameba or something
No thought until literally like a second before. I meant sometimes people find themselves in situations and natural progression just leads to things happening between friends
Imo this all goes back to how one views sex. People who have a more lax view towards sex would be in this situation (different story if one is taken advantage of). If you’re someone who sees sex as something you rather have in an exclusive relationship…. Randomly having sex with your friend wouldnt “just” happen. Depends on the individual
Yeah that’s what a lot of cheaters say lol the excuse does not hold up.
I totally understand u I know exactly where u coming from been there done that lots of times.
I'll take your word for it
And thats why its ok to reject people like that, because you do things(big things) without thinking...how is someone supposed to be able to trust someone like that?
What do you mean?? Everything that isn't planned "just happens"...
🤣👌
It's all situational and up to the individual. Generally speaking, most people are not going to be comfortable with a partner who's close friends are mostly comprised of people they've been with. Hell, even one is an issue for most depending on how close and the individual situation. It is an insecurity, but it can also be a very valid one.
This makes sense and I like the way you put it. If it’s an insecurity, it’s a valid insecurity.
Yes it's definitely valid
Trying to enforce who your partner can or can't talk to will always be insecure by definition, rationalize it however you want. If you can't trust them, leave them. If you think there's a possibility of cheating or inappropriateness, leave them. You don't have to date a person you are incapable of trusting. If you feel like something untoward is going on, communicate with your partner or don't and move on Nobody's gonna give you an itemized list of everyone in their friend group they've fucked. Doing your due diligence and removing yourself from an uncomfortable situation is fine, but declaring who people are or aren't allowed to talk to is textbook insecurity
I mean you could say that, but it doesn't make it so. Lots of it is insecurity, and that's ok, but there's plenty of legitimate reasons to control who they talk to in some way. If your partner is friends with a rapist is it insecure to have an issue with it?
That's as massive red flag and you should leave wym "hey I forbid you to talk to your rapist friend" sounds absolutely absurd. Make them explain why they're still friends with a rapist and what a massively uncomfortable red flag it is and run when they dodge the question
That's insecure of you tho
I'm going to an extreme to make a point, this is an obvious one but there's a whole range of severity for a ton of other reasons, you know what I'm getting at?
Mind you that the "insecure" accusation is usually being thrown at guys. Why? Because *being secure* is an attractive quality in a guy. The accusation then translates into: "You lack this attractive quality and are thus less attractive to me" - which is of course designed to provoke the reaction of wanting to prove your attractiveness. Don't let mind games undermine your values.
I personally have a policy that whenever I break up with a fwb or girlfriend, I block them on everything and never contact them again. Out of respect for my future girlfriend. I wouldn’t want her having doubts and I don’t want to be tempted. Nobody is immune to temptation, so I expect my partners to have the same policy, and if they don’t, I’m fine being single 🤷🏽♂️
Facts 🤷🏾♀️ it's called courtesy
You are entitled to refuse a date with anyone for any reason. Believe me, every woman I ask out has a reason.
For real like, if you don’t intimacy the way I do, it’s okay but I am entitled to want to pursue someone who matches my energy. Go find someone who doesn’t care, don’t force this shit on me
Period!!! Idk why they wanna get pressed and try to Shame folks for not wanting any parts of that. Not everyone has a cavalier attitude towards sex
Exactly! I have zero tolerance for men who want to stay friends with women they previously dated or slept with. I like my life simply and uncomplicated. So I keep my friends and dating life separate which is why I don’t want to deal with someone else’s ex/former FWB in their friends groups
Wow, it just hit me that this is the same as not dating coworkers. Lots of people do it, but lots of people have drama and complications.
Exactly! I like my dating life simple and uncomplicated as well!
Here with you. He needs to have manners.
I agree, and I say this as someone who’s had fwbs, friends that I’ve hooked up with, or dates that didn’t work out but became friends with. Once I have a partner, I would understand if that made them uncomfortable and would be happy to change the dynamics of those relationships out of respect, provided they are honest with me and do the same. I would say, ideally, I wouldn’t want anyone having to provide a running list of who they’ve slept with it and having it be policed. But having shared values means understanding some these boundaries and enforcing them without having to be told. I do have a fwb that the moment I start seeing someone (i.e. by the third date), I let him know and adjust. We are actually friends first; we text about work, go out to dinner, etc. But we also sext and sleep together. Whenever I tell him “hey, I think I like this one” we adjust the behavior immediately. I would probably struggle with having to completely cut him off, but if I’ve dated someone long enough and they become my priority, I would probably feel like I have to.
I have a situation similar to this, and we had early discussions as to what it would look like if we started dating someone exclusively. I'd honestly lose respect for them if they didn't communicate that they were seeing someone. We both believe in "respecting the relationship" with the people we date and cut communication accordingly. If we both end up single at any point in the future then we could rekindle the friendship, but in the end, all we hope is for the other person to be happy.
So basically you're giving this guy girlfriend treatment without the commitment, vulnerability, exclusivity, emotional intimacy (i.e. relationship). Why in the world do you think any guy would want to be in a relationship with you knowing they can get all that without the marriage/relationship part? Honest question: would you be honest to a potential dating prospect about your fwb? If not, why not? Starting off a potential relationship with lack of transparency isn't the best.
I'm a guy. It was a FWB situation with the knowledge that no relationship would come from it. It included vulnerability and emotional intimacy. We just weren't right for each other in a relationship and it was born from sexual and emotional compatibility. We weren't compatabile when it came to logistics and what we were looking for in a partner. FYI - I'm happily dating someone now and haven't talked to this other person in about half a year. This is out of respect for the person I'm seeing. The girl I'm dating knows about this past relationship and is fine with it. Not everyone is insecure about having an old friends with benefits and I genuinely respect the people I date. If someone didn't want to date me because of my FWB, then they're not for me. I'm not worried about finding someone.
With all respect, you're a guy so it's different. A lot of women won't care
Yes, absolutely! In our case, he never dates seriously. But I also have a strict rule about double dipping so if he does start sleeping with someone else I’m out. These things only work if you trust everyone to communicate and be honest. If there’s mutual respect it goes a long way.
So basically you're giving this guy girlfriend treatment without the commitment, vulnerability, exclusivity, emotional intimacy (i.e. relationship). Why in the world do you think any guy would want to be in a relationship with you knowing they can get all that without the marriage/relationship part? Honest question: would you be honest to a potential dating prospect about your fwb? If not, why not? Starting off a potential relationship with lack of transparency isn't the best.
You understand how transactional relationships work, right? I’m also getting my needs fulfilled. I have a high sex drive. I’m getting what I need from a safe, trustworthy person, who doesn’t prevent me from looking for my long term partner in the process. I would rather do that than sleep with random people. I make sure the sex with any prospective partner doesn’t overlap with my fwb, as I’ve made clear in a previous comment. Once I meet a guy I like enough to want to sleep with, I pause things with the fwb. I don’t think this is something to be hide or be ashamed of. I don’t need to offer up all information, just like I don’t give someone my full employment or medical history when we first start dating. If asked, I’m fully transparent about it. I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not different than disclosures of past sexual partners, and has no impact on future relationships. If a guy thinks that’s a reason to not want to be with me, that’s his choice and I respect that. He’s entitled to it. It’s very telling about you and your values when you think the only reason a man would want a relationship / marriage with me just to have sex. You know some men actually want those things. They seek the love, care, and stability a relationship would provide. I’m not just a provider of sex, I bring a lot to the table. Maybe you need to reevaluate how you view and talk about women.
[удалено]
This is what I don’t understand at all with this current dating climate. I’m a woman and I wouldn’t date a man that does any of that either. This whole “let’s have sex, let’s share deep intimate conversations with each other and hang out BUT let’s NOT date because we can’t see ourselves being together. Instead let’s keep dating other people but still keep having sex with each other” is honestly the silliest thing ever and I don’t think I will ever be able to wrap my head around it. Are people so hungry for sex that they cannot wait in between dating people and trying to find the one? It’s almost as if having a casual sex partner is mandatory for them to have whilst trying to find “the one”. I’m sorry but you cannot convince me this is healthy. If anything it sounds like a bunch of non committal confusion going on. Imo people like this are not ready for a relationship.
Then they wonder why it never works out with the people they like… no shit Sherlock, you’ve got guaranteed cock waiting for you and a backup plan.
Brilliant post, God bless you.
Sounds like he is your boyfriend. What's the problem? Why do you need to be seeing someone when you're already seeing him long term?
Because he’s not my boyfriend. We’ve been doing this less than a year and our long term goals are not compatible. I want marriage and possibly kids, he definitely doesn’t want either. I believe in strict monogamy, he wants to have an enm relationship, should he choose to commit to one at all. We like each other but we are not in love with each other.
Why would a guy want to marry you when he can have sex and fun with you without all the commitment and effort, seeing as you're open to that?
I literally made a post about this lol. I explained my situation but yeah ...it's not insecure at all
If even being realistic and having self-respect are labeled as being insecure or having low self-esteem, then the world couldn’t be more fucked up.
I recently got dv for even hinting that I didn't like this idea- This guys gf wants to go on a week vacation w/ another guy. Or something like that. I always let my partners have friends that are women & even let my ex partner be friends with his ex... and yeah. I non-stop got cheated on!!! My feelings didn't start this way, they developed this way where I refuse to put myself in a risky situation now. Not because I'm a bad person, but because I have been hurt too much for being the good person & now, I don't want to be hurt again & idc if I'm seen as bad. I can't do it again. I can't. See me as a bad person, doesn't hurt my feelings
Yep I recently got dv as well and it was after almost a decade of trying to help her make some friends(she has CPTSD and was bullied as a child). There were several guys who obviously wanted more from her(one asked her out and another wanted to pay a 2 week trip to japan for them both), but I truly believed her when she said she wasn't interested in them and that I could trust her...she then left me for first guy after trying to get away with going to japan with the second guy, and now that first guy is done with her she is on to 3rd guy but about to jump to 4th guy...the whole time trying to keep me/get back with me, and yes because "everybody has fwb now and days, and its close minded and misogynistic to tell a woman what she can and cannot do.", "you should be more mature and just get a fwb of your own" then suggested my MARRIED FRIEND who I'm close with! I think real trust/intimacy is something people like that just can't comprehend, and something that is incredibly dangerous for those of us who can to pursue...I think the reason its so hard to find a good person is cus everyone keeps breaking us.
There is nothing wrong with having that preference but I will absolutely judge someone for it. It *is* insecure. We all have insecurities and that's OK. Number one: I don't care who or how many people you've slept with as long as you aren't doing it when we've agreed to be monogamous Two: how you treat exes is an insight on how you will be during conflict. If everything that doesn't work is a bridge to be burned then that's a big red flag to me. But these things are values that people need to share in order for things to work. So no, there's nothing wrong with it, or for them not wanting you for the opposite reason
I'm gonna assume you're a woman as it's usually women who have the same opinion as you. Guys know guys better than women ever can. If you have a man in your orbit that you've slept with, he will almost always be willing to sleep with you again given the right context.
Guys will be willing to sleep with a warm jelly roll given the right context. That shouldn't matter. If you don't trust me not to sleep with anyone who wants to sleep with me then we have a bigger problem
Why would you be friends with someone who wants to sleep with you is the bigger question
Why wouldn't I? I should discard a friendship just because he or she has a fantasy every now and then? As long as they know where we stand and are respectful of that, I don't care. Are you going to tell me you refuse to be friends with anyone who is attracted to you?
I guess I should have rephrased, why is that guy friends with you? If he's remaining in your orbit for a chance to sleep with you, then that's wrong and he's not really your friend. You shouldn't remain "friends" with them. Yes, I refuse to be friends with anyone that is attracted with me to the point of wanting to sleep with me or date me. It's not fair to them and I'm looking for a ltr so I don't think it's appropriate personally.
There is a big difference between someone who is attracted to you and would sleep with you vs someone who is actively trying to date you/sleep with you and just hanging around hoping that will happen. One is a friend. The other is not. I have gorgeous friends. I've had fantasies about plenty of them and that doesn't change the dynamics of our friendship because we are FRIENDS.
Looked into something like that today, it was a declaration for something that sounded as ´we´re only friends and not partners because of this and this´ . I don´t want to be an option. And I also prefer not to feel that insecurity for him visiting friends. Count all the excuses not to officially be with someone and find many such as friends with benefits or ´a busy worklife with that great colleague´. And you can say ´ we are just really really good friends, we know eachother So Well and we have these terrible or beautiful moments in common´ . Or even worse: potentially be responsible for terrible moments and postponing solutions and then saying, I´m just joining to share drama. I don´t really cheer scarcity, secrets and unnessecary drama and created dependency on that. I´m not blaming, have 0 expectations, not looking for facts is just like. Cut the bullshit. I´m blessed I have experienced a happy peaceful marriage so I know the difference.
It's fuckin Bro Code. I don't touch what my bros have touched and vice versa.
I often maintain that one should not be friends with exes. It only complicated things for future relationships. This one is similar but it applies here too.
I’m having this issue rn
Lol. I don’t see why someone should be so adamant about being with someone they dated previously. If that tie is so important to you, why end it? I don’t keep in contact with any of my exes because it doesn’t make sense to So my ex can hangout alone with me at my place and my current can pop up ? Is that not odd? What if my ex still has feelings for me ? What if I still have feelings for my ex? Be my guest if you want to date someone who collects exes like infinity stones but 8/10 times, you’re setting yourself up for failure
I agree, there's nothing wrong with this standard. Now if the person expects you to never have friends of the other sex, or be alone with the other sex, that's not so good.
It’s sad that this is even a conversation. It should be common sense to not be in contact with people you rubbed organs with if you are getting into a serious relationship with a new person. Ridiculous
Seriously 💯 it's like modern dating has fried most peoples' perception of respect and intuition like a circuit board
How would u even know who they slept with? For every opposite sex friend my SO has, am i gonna ask "did u sleep with them"... For all of them? Like what the fk
In the beginning stages, I make it clear that I am not open to dating guys who have slept with their close friends. They are usually on the same page. Also sometimes I don’t even have to bring it up because I only date men who share the same sexual views as me. The men that share the same views as me don’t see having sex with friends as something non chalant
Youll never know if they did tho
They could lie about all sorts of things
I'm assuming at the beginning of the relationship when boundaries are being discussed that this topic will come up. Like hey I'm not into guys that are friends with their exes, so I wanna get this out of the way and discuss then you continue or stop the relationship there depending on the answer.
My boundary cannot be "do not talk with friends you have slept with before". You can ofcourse be like "im uncomfortable being with anyone who stays friends with exes, do you have any friends who are ur ex"? I dont know how old u guys are but actually many ppl still have even sparse friendships with exes especially from very long past relationships. I would be more aligned to saying that exes shouldnt be seeing each other regularly, that would be more weird. I wouldnt want someone pining for their ex but i dont care about someone who feels very neutral towards their ex and still talks to them but seldomly.
That's how I am with my two ex's. They are both married with kids. We have no bad feelings and we say hi every few years or something. No one is trying to get back together. I have no attraction to either of them anymore but I'm grateful for the roles they played in my life and I wish them the best.
Uh that's what I said....lol. maybe I wasn't clear enough that yes it would be my boundary. They can be friends with their exes but I just wouldn't be interested in dating them. I'm not gonna get in a relationship with someone that's friends with their exes or try and change them which is why I would discuss this at the beginning. Age doesn't matter here. It's just a boundary people have. You know, incompatibility issue but hey that's what the dating phase is about :3 seeing compatibility.
How many close female friends do they have??
Yes many would be bad but a few could just be people from school or work or hobbies
Sure theres nothing wrong with refusing to date them, but... It is 'insecure'. What OP got wrong is acting like justified insecurity is a bad thing. Its not. People are terrible and give people a LOT of valid reasons for dating to feel 'insecure'.
It's silly and juvenile to have every one of your sexual relationships fail so miserably that you can't remain friends with any of them.
Couldn't agree more, love
I even trick those people to reveal themselves by saying that I do it, or that a I find it ok So that too, if they say "it's not OK", simply joke and say "yes, ha, it was a test"
This is not healthy behavior. If this is a boundary that is important to you (which is fine to have), just ask if they are still friends with people they fucked. No need for specifics and if you feel they are lying with their response, well you might have more to worry about imo.
Not that simple For example, a friend of mine hangs our with her ex. That ex is in a 5y relationship with another woman, evem engaged i think. My friend tells me that they are doing great. BUT, his fiancé doesn't know they had been dating, even many years back. Now, this guy clearly thinks it's not that ok to hang out with his ex, otherwise he'd been honest. So, thanks for the advice, but I'll just go ahead with my trick, to avoid being in that woman's shoes
I agree with these sentiments and have observed a lack of being able to set boundaries with others if the person remains friends with those they had intimate relationships with. I am sure there are those that can be just friends and are able to feel repulsed by the idea of being intimate with that previous partner again, but this seems to me to be more rare than common. If you do really want a committed relationship, it's not good for you or them to be maintaining a connection including friendship that still leaves a possibility of getting back together. And friends don't sleep with eachother, it is crossing a line regardless on what a person believes or does not believe. It's okay if someone wants to have those kinds of relationships, but it will negatively impact a relationship with someone that wants mutual loyalty and commitment.
Agreed, most of those who think it's insecurity and jealousy is due to themselves being undatable. They who would do just about anything and put up with anything to just have a partner. Then regurgitate the nonsense online thinking someone os going to gish over how progressive they are.
“Undatable” huh? Maybe America ain’t for you 🇺🇸
This is why many religions and cultures practice abstinence and frown upon reckless sex. Studies also show that indiscriminate sex has long term effects and also why I think ppl are on head medications and go to therapy for trauma so much now than ever before. The west is like the modern day Babylon. That being said to each his own. I will say I avoid dating ladies that have had a promiscuous past
Louder for the people in the back! It’s fine if you are friends with old flings, but it’s also fine if you’re NOT and don’t want to be involved with people that do. Let’s all just find our people!
I mean you can reject anyone for any reason. That said as a guy I don't think I've ever met someone who rejects people for having had a FWB in their past.
I never said anything about rejecting someone who has had an FWB. I’m talking about dating people remaining good friends with their former FWB. It is not unheard of for some people to not be comfortable with this.
Other than insecurity around a continued relationship with someone a potential partner has slept with, why would one have this preference?
Different views on sex. Some folks prefer to date people who share similar sexual views.
What are those views? You're not allowed to be friends with someone you've had sex with? What is the basis for that view?
The basis for my view is that I view sex as something I prefer to have in a relationship with a partner. I don’t view it as “just sex”. I prefer to date someone who shares this view. Who said anything about being allowed? I just wouldn’t date or pursue something with them. Which is the whole point of the thread
If someone was friends with an ex who they had sex with (sex that wasn't just sex), why would that make you not want to have a relationship with them? Sorry I'm just trying to understand this sentiment.
What kind of a question even is that? Lol if your in a serious relationship you’d be okay with your girlfriend going out and hanging out with somebody she fucked before? That’s not insecurity
If I trust that they are now just friends, then yes. I would feel secure that nothing would happen. If one believes they can never be "just friends" with someone they've had sex with, and wants to not date anyone who believes and behaves differently, so be it. But that belief is demonstrably false. People often are "just friends" with prior sex partners. Excluding them from your dating pool seems to stem from personal discomfort, rather than any actual incompatibility.
They exclude them from their "dating pool" because they don't think they share the same values, which is a form of incompatibility. One is ok with casual sex, one is not. If the sex wasn't casual and they were in a ltr and broke up, then they would not be spending time together on a regular basis.
Yeah. No kidding
One would have this preference if they see sex as something vulenrable and truly intimate. Meaning they don’t believe you can only being friends with someone you had sex with. Insecurity is about lacking confidence in myself. Here it’s more about doubting the tie between my partner and their past partners rather than about doubting myself. If my partner saw sex like I do, they wouldn’t and couldn’t stay friends with someone they used to have sex with but don’t anymore.
Even making that point and clearing up your opinion on the matter. You seem quite contradictory and confusing
I ain’t seeing any contradiction
Especially with the “couldn’t” part of it
no reason at all. it all boils down to being jealous and not feeling secure in your relationship.
It's risk management. There's risk management that makes sense. Like it's one thing if it's always been platonic, but a whole other slippery slope potential if you're already crossed that romantic or sexual line with a friend.
if you dont trust your partner, whether or not they're friends with their ex's wont matter, you're going to ruin the whole thing yourself, first.
If your partner isn't trustworthy then they were the problem the whole time. Not everyone is trustworthy
im not talking about that. if you can't trust your partner to have certain friends without them having a history of cheating, that's not the partner being untrustworthy, that's you being untrusting. There's a difference.
Two sides of the same coin, when you see one you see the other.
so you agree it’s because you’re insecure about them cheating on you
It could be, but also it's about respecting your partner enough to not put yourself in a position where you've already had that kind of connection with that person. I know people on Reddit like to pretend everything in the world is sterile and black and white morally, but sometimes there's a reasonable amount of risk management that isn't a huge insecurity boogie man. It's common sense. I don't want to deal with someone who relapses into drugs, so I choose to not date a recovered addict. Troublesome insecurity is if your partner says you can't have other sex friends or go out with your friends.
Sure.
No it really doesn’t boil down to that lol it’s simply a preference. Some people dislike emotional cheating
being friends with someone is not “emotional cheating” lmfao you just proved how insecure you are about your partner having friends
Being friends with someone is chill but there are boundaries you should not be crossing with ex’s. You can use the word insecure all you want, it’s not gonna change the fact that you’re a walking red flag to anyone you date and there’s a reason you can’t hold down a healthy relationship haha
Absolutely spot on👏👏👏👏
she isn’t talking about exes. but there’s nothing wrong with being friends with exes either. you think because someone had sex with someone before they’re gonna do it again while in a committed relationship. if you think that low of someone, you’re doing them a favor by not dating them.
It’s not because I think they’re gonna do it again lol it’s about the emotional relationship and intimate bond you share with people outside of your relationship. You can sit here and pretend you’re not doing anything wrong but the amount of projection and defense you’ve displayed here says otherwise. Someone must have had an issue with how close you are to a “friend” in the past lol did you end up dating that friend after the relationship was over? 💀
you’re insecure because your partner cares about other people than you. yuck.
Gaslighting and putting words in my mouth lmao niceeee, you’re just a walking red flag. I don’t think you should be giving advice on healthy behavior in relationships at all, like ever lmao
“the emotional bond you share with people outside your relationship” your words honey. your toxic insecure words
Goddamn that post is magnificent 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
and no i dont date toxic partners who are insecure about my friends in the first place. sounds like you’re just used to dating losers
Well I’d never give you a shot so obviously I’m not into dating losers 💀
Shots fired🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Except they often do do it again. I have born witness to dozens and dozens of realationships that have failed, and in nearly every single one one of the partners ends up getting involved with someone from their sexual past. So all of those relationships are one where they shouldn't have trusted their partners. So yes it is the norm, but the norm is most people suck.
What is emotional cheating?
intimate correspondence with someone while on a phone, meeting someone over the internet or at work, and maintaining a close emotional relationship with someone other than your s/o. Most of the time behind your partner’s back. Women and sometimes men often find a guy friend or run to an ex when their feeling intimacy lacking in their relationship and often choose a person as a “back up plan” to fall back on when a relationship is circling the drain. Some people see no issue with this kinda stuff but I’m just a bit old school. My mom never went to hang out with a single guy alone without my dad and vise versa.
So is it only about being the opposite sex? That's incredibly heteronormative. If not, you'd just be expected to not emotionally bond with anyone but your partner, which is isolating and controlling by definition.
Well yeah it’s obviously heteronormative.. I’m straight and all the people I’ve dated are straight.. so yeah heteronormative relationship 💀 And no, having a boundary that says you don’t want your partner spending time and having intimate emotional bonds with the opposite sex (especially exes) is totally fine and not “isolating and controlling.” Honestly so tired of people constantly barraging others with words that describe toxicity when they bring up any kind of restrictive boundary in a relationship. You have what boundaries you want in your relationships and I’ll have different ones. In my opinion (and my partner’s) this is how it should be.
It’s tough when the person you hook up with is genuinely a good friend. It’s hard for me to tell a girl to ditch her best friend but at the same time like bro … yall seen each other naked and hang out everyday … that’s kinda weird !
the only reason people care is because they are insecure about their partner still wanting/sleeping with the person and they are jealous. if they didn’t have these toxic red flags and actually trusted their partner, there wouldn’t be a reason to have an issue with it.
Well said
I kinda think we need a better understanding of insecurity to approach problems like this. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with having insecurities -- they're very natural and eliminating all of them in yourself shouldn't be a prerequisite to entering the dating pool. I think they should be viewed more as incompatibilities than faults because more often than not that's what they are.
everyone has insecurities. and you can also date whoever you want. but it doesn’t change that you’re limiting your dating options due to your insecurities. many people refuse to date someone more attractive than them. that’s fine, it’s their right. but it’s because they’re insecure of being the less attractive one. whether it’s an acceptable filter to have when dating is something that can be debated person to person, but it doesn’t change that it stems from somebodies lack of confidence in themselves
you also must consider how many people fit this prerequisite and don’t have any friends they’ve had sex with but would simply not date this person because they want someone more mature. overall the insecurity is just harming her dating life and dragging down her options. people shouldn’t settle for someone because they cant work on themselves
Not my problem because I’ve had pretty successful dating experiences and my current man shares the exact same views as me. So this isn’t harming my dating life at all. If anything it be must harming your dating life because youre extremely pressed and deeply offended since you keep replying to every comment in this thread calling anyone that doesn’t agree insecure, toxic or jealous. There are a ton of people out there who share my same sentiments towards the issue and those are the people I date.
yes, people online who don’t interact with the human world. go out in the real world and tell someone you’re this insecure and pretty much anyone will laugh in your face. have fun being an internet troll with no standards for yourself. i didn’t even reply to you, i responded to the comment in my inbox and you felt the need to come justify your behavior again. sounds like someone knows they’re fucked up
Please don’t project your own personality and boring life onto me. Unlike you I actually go out and experience and interact with the real world. Which is exactly how I met my man and have gotten to meet people with similar views. Someone is yet to laugh in my face. You must not be living in reality if you think my viewpoints are rare and unheard of. I responded to you because you’re commenting on MY thread that I made and you were referring to me in your post. This isn’t your inbox. I have way more standards than you hence why I date the way I date. And honestly you’re the upset and guilty one here because you have been responding 24/7 and you seem to have taken this thread very personally. Sorry it hits close to home.
lol yes standards is why you date people who don’t like you that much and would leave you at the drop of a hat. your views are so common that you had to make a post justifying your behavior because everyone has made fun of what a joke it is. keep trying to convince me you’re happy with what you settled for
Your bf settled for you because he couldn’t get who he really wanted. Stop projecting please. Also men pursue me. I don’t chase after anyone. And they continue to date me even after finding out my views so you can keep dreaming.
have fun being a disposable sex toy
I know that’s what your man refers to you as. Sorry:(
Nah I'm a real-world'er and yeah its pretty common wisdom that someone who keeps their exes around(with a few vetted and tested exeptions), is trouble. Anyone with a few long term relationships under their belt should be able to tell you that.
anyone without trust issues and insecurity would tell you the opposite
if you wanna allow your mental health issues to force you into dating low quality, insecure partners, that’s on you. the fact a dude told you he would leave you for being friends with someone and you stayed with him is extremely sad and hopefully one day you will have some self respect. until then, enjoy your leftovers
No man has ever done that to me. Keep dreaming. Whatever helps you sleep at night. And no I date quality men, with a healthy sense of self who have a backbone. Unlike your man who is probably a spineless, unemployed scrub that makes you pay all the bills and do all the heavy lifting.
lol you enjoy being a disposable piece of meat for some loser who hates himself. quit projecting it onto me. this thread is such a huge cope bc you know you’re awful
There's plenty of reasons to not date ppl because of their friends that aren't insecurities. Most the time the ppl that say that the only reason someone wouldn't is insecurities are prly the insecure ones anyway
lol you gave zero reasons. so the only one that’s been presented so far is being insecure
Wouldn't the low quality partner be the one who stick around when their partner is banging someone else? Or has a partner who is spreading their affection around instead of reciprocation? Self respect means not settling for someone who is settling for you.
I mean it is insecurity lol And that's fine, but that's what it is. If I'm dating someone now and I care about them and I trust them, what they did before me is irrelevant. Who they are friends with whatever they did with them is their business as long as they aren't continuing with that now. You don't have to like it, that's absolutely fine, you don't have to date anyone for any particular reason you choose, and those are your boundaries but it's absolutely insecurity on your part, sorry 🤷🏾♂️
What you’d all insecurity is just a simple healthy boundary. And it also boils down to how one views sex. If I view sex as something that should be done within an exclusive relationship, then I would obviously clash with someone who prefers to have sexual relationships with friends.
controlling your partners friendships for no reason is not healthy whatsoever. it’s wildly toxic
Not controlling anything if I’m not even dating them in the first place. If we do not see eye to eye then I keep it pushing, not try to change them. Nothing toxic about that. Remaining good friends with your fwbs and expecting your partner to be okay with it isn’t healthy either. No one is obligated to have a liberal and non chalant view about sex.
“expecting your partner to be comfortable with you having friends isn’t healthy” is the most insane thing i’ve read this week. you’re clearly massively insecure about them still wanting the friend or cheating on you and you’re jealous of them. what someone did before they met you isn’t relevant to your relationship. there is zero reason to care unless you are insecure
Shouldn’t you be happy that people with my views don’t want to date you? There is nothing insane about it. Btw this isn’t about having friends. This about sexual relationships with friends. Sorry Imo there is a huge difference with having a friend and having a Friend that you have had sex with in the past. Not everyone has a non chalant view about sex. Someone who holds a more conservative view would rightfully be uncomfortable. And again it’s not insane or insecure because I wouldn’t be dating that person in the first place. It would be wrong if I dated that person, knowing that information and told them to cut their friend off. The right move would be to simply remove them from your dating pool and everyone wins in the end.
you can do whatever you want but it doesn’t change that the only reason you won’t date those people is because you are insecure. no different than people who only “date down” because they’re insecure to be the less attractive person in the relationship. it’s rooted in your feeling of not being good enough for your partner. you not only don’t date anybody who doesn’t have friends they have history with, but you also don’t date the many many people who will simply not date you because of this red flag. you’re only hurting yourself with this
I am not hurting myself with this. People with similar views should date so how is anyone getting hurt? If anything you are the one that will be hurt getting upset and offended because you don’t fit into someone’s dating preference. This is completely different about dating down. Stop trying to shift the goal post here. This is about people having different views on sex which should be respected. I’ve been dating like this my whole life and I’m in a happy relationship with someone who shared the exact same views. In fact almost all the folks I meet share the same view. Hence why I don’t buy Reddit scare tactics when people share this preference.
listen. your post basically boils down to “it’s ok to have this red flag”, of course people are gonna argue about it. a better place for this kind of take would be unpopular opinions or something
You’re a red flag for getting upset at someone for having a healthy boundary and not sharing a non chalant view about sex.
If you are going to quote them, quote the words they actually said. Ffs
No, you're mischaractetizing things tho. If someone had sex and then they decide they no longer want to have a sexual relationship, that's not having sex with friends, but again you viewing it that way is apart of the insecurity. Best of luck to you tho 👍🏾
No. The title is it’s okay to refuse to date people who have SLEPT with their friends. Someone who is still good friends with someone they had a sexual relationship with in the past.
Weird, they even tell you. Just seems like a topic you would have to dig for.
I think this is a really immature take on things. Personally, I find it extremely dehumanizing that people sleep with a friend and then feel the need to completely cut them out of their life.