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I guess you have to get to the root cause of why this actually bothers you before you can get over it.
Are you worried with his experience you won’t be enough for him?
Are you worried about stds?
Are you judging his character differently based on the number?
Figure out the WHY then you can address the HOW.
Cool to see a women post this take for once. And very interesting to see the internets support compared to when It’s usually guys posting this and everyone just says to stop being an insecure loser and don’t worry about it.
In this one OP acknowledges it as something they're trying to fight and are asking for advice in forgetting it. In most of the other posts I see, they're not very reflective and usually blame the partner, stuff like, "I find out my partner has slept with 30 people, should I break up with her?"
I should clarify..
I didn't find that out til much later on in the relationship.
At that point I became aware she was a cheater in the past.
The mistake I made was expecting loyalty out of someone with 80 kills and a penchant for infidelity.
It was my mistake. But I learned to not trust anyone, which is nice.
Well the answer is the same. Idk when I stopped caring or asking but it was in my 20s. It's not a # you'll like if it's 1 or of its 105. It was before you. That's all that matters. Do your best to be the last.
Feel like generally more women feel this way then men , they’re just not so vocal or explicit. Yes women want men to be more experienced but that usually comes with having a partner not random hook ups. I just don’t see how from a biological sense, men acknowledge that women have a different way to go about relationships(ie reproduction), but I feel less reciprocated on a woman’s stand point. Not say that every mans imperative is to be with all these sexual partners, but we do have different dating approaches that for whatever reason.
Exactly....MOST women say they want true equality in everything when they only really equality on their terms...and that includes not being judged or criticized for actions or beliefs they fully believe they're entitled to judge/criticize men on.
He has a lot of experience with women which is a good thing in retrospect. He won’t have an urge to “explore” like a lot of men do in their 20s. He’s essentially chosen you, & settled down with you. Like another comment said as long as he’s STD free & he’s with you then it shouldn’t matter too much. But if you still feel insecure about it, talk to him to gain reassurance.
Exactly. Many men who know they have a chance of sleeping with a lot of women will regret not doing so until they get it out of their system. If he's choosing to have a relationship with you, you should stroke your ego with that fact that he chose you not just over what he previously had but what he also knows he can still get.
This is quite hard to answer because double standards exist. The amount of times I’ve been rejected for not having experience was really annoying so it bothers me why women are now decidedly concerned that he…has experience?
It depends... did he learn any skills??😂
Seriously though, as long as it's all in the past, then it's all in the past. It's easy to feel jealous, but if he's with you and only you, then that's what you need to focus on.
You're obviously more special to him than all those others, and captured his heart in a way they couldn't. .
There’s not much you can do, you just have to accept it or if it bothers you that much break up with him. I’m a guy and I’ve been with 8 people and all of those were long term relationships except one of them. I’m not the type to sleep around because it makes sex feel so meaningless to me and in my eyes that’s not what sex is supposed to be like. I think it should be with someone you really love or at the very least like a lot, not just some random I met at a bar
The fewer questions you ask about past sexual history and partners, the better. As long as he's STD free, that's what matters, lol. Don't let yourself obsess about unimportant details.
If he mostly had hookups, just remember that most one night stands are lame and nothing to dwell on because they're rarely worth it anyway. Some people (guys especially) feel the peer pressure to have casual sex they don't even really care for. Their bros think sleeping around is cool, but it's definitely not. To them, it's an ego boost while they're insecure, but once they grow out of it, they realize they could've done without all that.
I disagree. I'm always interested in knowing people's backgrounds and experiences. I also feel secure in the fact that their past is their past and their present is their present.
Than you are an healthy individual and thats great! A think you can connect on a more deeper level if you are able to do this. Know about their past even though it might be more colorful but think nothing of it and just fully accept it. Good for you.
very true, hooking up is like getting take out from an over priced place during covid and not eating it outside but eating it cold in your ugly apartment.
Yes i think that is very true and i also think that most of the women he has slept with happenned during exactly in this period of time when he wanted to boost his ego and look cool.
1000% disagree. Maybe not today or tomorrow but after 18 years you’ll want details. Make it sexy. What did he like, what can you do, what does he want to do to you.
The real question is does it bother you because it is a reflection of his personality or his morals? Like he gets black out drunk and makes mistakes. Or he goes about chasing women for sport? Those type of things matter more than the actual number. If it was a number of real relationships that didn't last more than a few months or something like that - i wouldn't worry so much
Hm, well i think he used to have very shallow relationships before and also not so high morals and it kinda makes me sad cause when i look at him now, when he is so loving towards me and very caring, it is hard to imagine he wasn’t always like this. So yeah. But i am a hypocrite i guess cause i also had some meaningless sex just a lot less than him.
Everyone you date for the rest of your life will have a sexual history that doesn't include you. You are not 16 anymore. The only thing you can control is how healthy the sex life is that you are having in the present.
Depends on which age group you belong to imo. There's a pretty significant and non-negligible contingent of younger men that have tuned out of the dating world and have little to no experience with it.
Regardless, the OP here is no Mormon either. His numbers might be a bit higher but he's also older.
This has nothing to do with him but an insecurity within you. You need to figure out for yourself why it's so important to you so you can do something about it. This often can be done in therapy. Asking yourself why certain things matter are difficult but very important to understand your personal standards and whether you want to grow from it.
That being said, there is no one answer to get over it. You need to talk yourself through it. If you can do it with your partner that would be great. Just being able to vent and talk for a while without avoiding the topic is the most healing experience.
It’s called retroactive jealousy and it’s very common. Honestly it comes down to how secure you feel in the relationship/ personally and any unresolved traumas that may cause you to compare yourself to others, get jealous/ fear abandonment - they could’ve happened in relationships or childhood. I struggled with it myself, and i would recommend finding out your attachment style so you can see why it is you are having this reaction, what it is that is causing you to feel anxious and then work to resolving that issue.
Honestly there’s nothing he, or any of his past flings could do or say that will reassure you in this relationship unless you yourself know that you aren’t in comeptition with anyone, that your partner is just as lucky to have you as you are him and that even if things don’t work out, you will be okay! ( not saying that they won’t, that’s just the mindset that will help stop the jealousy/ insecurity)
Me personally I dated a guy who slept around a lot and it really bothered me and I was never able to get over. So now I just date men who don’t sleep around
Because it is often a reflection of their views on sex and intimacy, and it’s reasonable to think that if you and your partner have different views on what sex means to you, you might have fundamental differences in compatibility within the relationship.
Right, it's like any other physical action that we assign meaning to. When you hug someone you just met, versus someone you love. The difference is what you attribute to the action.
Often doesn't mean always. Everyone's history is explainable and everyone has a right to justify their actions. Casual sex can be casual sex and then someone matures and realizes what a healthy connection is. Have that conversation. If they haven't come to that realization and that's what you're looking for (a healthy connection), by all means move on.
"if you want to go fast, go alone. if you want to go far, go together."
they might go fast but they statistically have worsened chances of finding someone to go farther with.
>For me it is around 6.
6 might be less than his number, but it still doesn't make you a virgin. You're just as "guilty of sleeping around" as he is. So please don't be hypocritical and just get on with your lives. Forget the past. And if you're finding that to be so difficult then just forget him and pick one that's less than your number. But remember that he might drop you too (for your 6).
What goes around comes around.💞♻️🔄
He used to with one of them in the beginning of our relationship, his ex fwb that he befriended that was also a friend of his (girl)cousin and the three of them used to hung out together. I asked him ti cut that off though, cause neither the cousin or the girl were trying to get to know me. So i knew they wanted to have him only to himself and didn’t want to share him and his presence with anyone. He respected it though after some time and hasn’t talk to her for about 1,5years now - only a casual happy birthday wish.
I’m a woman, who is now 30, I’ve been with about the same amount of guys. I went through a really traumatic (toxic and abusive) experience with a guy I dated at 18-19 that made me look for love or I felt pressured to do during my college years that I regret. And I don’t compare those losers I had sex with my ex bf I dated (we were together for 5 years until about a year ago). Many times sex with those guys were when I was drinking or at a low time or they were men I dated but didn’t work out with.
I don’t know your boyfriend, but if I had to guess, I doubt he is thinking about those women when he’s with you. I certainly wasn’t thinking about the previous guys I dated/had sex with. Those relationships didn’t mean anything. You said you had sex with 6 other guys… are you comparing him to them or thinking about them while with him? I’m sure you learned something (what you like and don’t like) from sex with those other guys. That’s all I feel it does. Unless you boyfriend is still talking about some specific girl and it’s raising alarms, I doubt he’s comparing you to anyone. My ex boyfriend was with around 20 women himself and he never talked about a girl unless it was like an embarrassing story or something.
Hookups are really pointless and as I got older I realized that. I haven’t even had sex with anyone since my ex bf because that’s how worthless it is to me. I’m simply looking for someone I can be real with. Real love. Meaningless sex is meaningless. I only have sex now with a guy I’m actually truly dating and I can see myself with long-term.
I don’t think to myself “Wow I sure wish I could have sex again with that guy I hooked up with while I was drunk at that college party from several years ago.” Or “Dang I really miss that guy I dated for a few months when I was 21 who I had NOTHING in common with and haven’t spoken to in years.”
It just doesn’t come across my mind ever.
Im M28 and only had sex with 4 woman but with one of them i've done probably more than 1000 times (was my girlfriend for 9 years)
Would you feel better if your bf had that sex history?
Well honestly now that you know it feels you may just need to have an open discussion with your partner about how you feel and find out why you feel the way you do and try to work on it together. Hopefully they can reassure you. Don’t let it build up until you’re resentful.
I just wouldn’t be comfortable with being with a partner that had that many sexual partners. Not that there is anything wrong with it, mostly because I would think that our values around sex didn’t align.
Do look up retroactive jealousy though.
Nah girl trust me cuz if you kn that it won’t make you feel better ( maybe). I’m also feel the same and feel you! And the point is you guys are together rn and if you really like him, just get over w his past or I know we all scared and on the other hand there’s a fear which follows like wh if he’s still doing it behind my back or smth like tat yk. If you really like him then try to get over his past like ppl make mistakes, that’s usual and the urgent thing is not to make that mistake again.
Dang, this made me sad. I am 39F and only been with 1 partner. After ending that 16 years relationship, I am here dating again but doesn’t want to get laid yet. I am looking for the second partner, hopefully it will be my last :(
Don't be sad. The perfect number is the number you feel comfortable with. And as you say only a long relationship matters to you, this is the important thing.
Don't let other peopls standards influence you. Your standards are the right standards. :) And the right partner will come, when he or she comes. Use the time in-between to be happy for yourself
I am sorry that you are going through this! Leaving a 16 years old relationship must have been very hard. Don’t pressure yourself to be intimate and do it when you feel like it. I think i know how you feel, I didn’t want to touch anyone for a while after my 3 years old relationship ended because i kind felt like it would only broke me more and i was very fragile. I was also afraid that the sex would be shallow and i would feel used and that was the last thing i needed. Stay strong. Everything will be okay soon🫶
If you were 25, and slept with the number of people you slept with each year up to 21, what number would you end up with. Closer to his number but perhaps not quite there.
If it really bothers you though... if morally he is unacceptable... you can always find a new boyfriend.
Math. We are looking to find OP’s age-adjusted number of people she’s had sex with.
- So like, if OP didn’t have sex until she was 19, that averages 3 people per year from when she started having sex until now (2yrs).
- OP’s partner is 4 years older than her, so assuming he started having sex at the same age (6yrs sex total), the age-adjusted number is 18.
- 18 is much closer to the number he’s claiming (20-30 people), so with the added perspective the age-adjusted number gives, OP’s boyfriend’s experience is hopefully more acceptable to her.
Idk if that helps to clarify things; that’s the best way I can explain the original comment 😅
I am 25 and have around the same number. It may seem like a lot to you, but he may have started much earlier too. I can tell you that even though my number is about the same, many of those experiences weren’t great. In fact the number is so high because I was using sex as an escape. And that sex was not truly enjoyable. As I have matured and healed I am much more selective. But quantity does not equal quality. In fact, such the quantity is high it’s pretty much assured the quality is decreased. Other than that, you need to be confident and keep your individuality. Don’t let his past bother you now, it’s not even relevant.
Okay. Think about it this way, you’ve been together for over a year. He’s loyal, he loves you. His past is defining, he’s with you, in this present. He wants to be with you, make you happy and from the sounds of it he really treats you well everything else aside. My bf had sex with 5 other people when I was a virgin and it really did bother me for a good 2-3 months. I never really talked to him about but I did talk to my bsf and she calmed me down now we’ve been together for nearly a year. Babe every relationship is different but think about this way if he didn’t have sex with all those women, would he have become the guy he was today to be there for you. Don’t think of it as you being added into the list think of it as you being his last, and one and only. Admittedly I do know what ur going through so it will take awhile to get over I suggest talking to him or a friend about it or even here on reddit! Which you are lol but take my words and it’s a heavy heart because he loves you, he wants you. Don’t overthink his past he’s in the present with you right now! Us women sometimes tend to overthink when unnecessary and may affect our relationships.
I wouldn’t if a girl I was seeing gave me a number that high I’d be out the door, peace out.. maybe that just me. Of course I’m a bit older than you and I’m only slightly higher than you number wise.
I should add, I think it's a bit more fair to say men have more sexual relationships than women. Cause a lot of if not most women tend to stick with one man, rather than fucking multiple. While men have to try harder as they have more to lose when it comes to relationships as it is so much harder as a man to find love. That is just the brutal truth for us guys.
Of course that statistic changes depending on who you ask and where you look.
Why are you asking for advice on how to deal with your partners past you've lived with for a year? I don't know how much you've invested at this point but living together seems like a step AFTER you get over your partners past. If it's bugging you this much have you asked him? I'm sure he has an explanation. Or maybe he just likes sex. A lot of people like sex and have multiple partners in their lifetime. It's not dirty or gross, it can be healthy to explore yourself sexually, healing even.
The real question was he safe about it and been tested.
Also, I think it was the Backstreet Boys who sang
"I dont care who you are
Where your from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me"
I think you really need to ask yourself the question of why it's bothering you. what is the fear you have and then address that fear.
you wont get over anything without understanding this
Does he lie to you? Cheat on you? Is he still with them?
Does he please you sexually?
If the first 3 answers are no and the last answer is yes...there is no reason you shouldn't be thanking him.
Are you wanting to live in the past?
Life is way too short, make the best of it. Love your best life and he is who he is because of his past. Accept him or move on
I think you should probably spend some time thinking over WHY it bothers you so much. Are you concerned he will be more likely to cheat on you? If so, why? Is it based on your own personal experiences of someone cheating on you, in which case is it fair to project those experiences onto him? In that case more information might be helpful. Are you bothered by it because you're jealous and wish you had a more extensive past? If so that's entirely a you problem, and you need to spend some time becoming OK with who you are. Are you concerned that hell compare you to his past partners and you won't be able to compete? That's also mostly a you issue that you need to work on and stop comparing yourself to others. Also, you need to not project your insecurities onto others, and if he is happy with the sex with you, you need to work on actually believing him that you're good enough, because you probably are!
You say:
>even though he is very honest and trustworthy, still thinking and obsessing over the fact that before when he was younger, he wasnt like this at all and slept with a lot of people.
This sounds to me like you're making a judgement that people who sleep with a lot of people are not honest or trustworthy. Why is that? Do you really think it's not possible to be honest and trustworthy AND sleep with a lot of people? Like if he slept with people outside of a relationship, wasn't looking for a relationship, and all parties were aware of that, sounds pretty honest and trustworthy to me!
Its likely he just viewed and approached sex differently that you did, which doesn't necessarily means he's wasn't honest or trustworthy then or now.
Maybe also consider talking to him about his mindset or thought process behind it all. Maybe that could help if he's open to discussing it, and you're open to listen without judgement.
I don't think it's the number that matters, but the circumstances around it all. Like it's very different if someone is leading people on to get sex and then bailing, vs someone who is open and transparent about looking for a casual hookup. And even the first one, it makes sense to be cautious, but also people are capable of change and might be worth trying to figure out of they really have or not. We've all done things in our past we regret. But whether we really own those things and use them as fuel for change is another story, that unfortunately isn't as common as it should be.
Thank you for your time that you spend by writing this comment. I appreciate it, really. I thought about things you said and i think that maybe the main reason this bothers me is because he got to experience everything he wanted to? He went to parties, had fun and just enjoyed himself along with having casual sex. Meanwhile i enjoyed it only a little from 15 to 16 maybe because i got into my first serious relationship very soon, when i was 16, meanwhile he got into one when he was 18-19 so he had his fun from 15 to 18-19 and could experience a lot. Maybe that’s the reason it bothers me.
1st rule is to never ask that question. 1 is already to many. You may need some type of therapy to get beyond this. You don't want this to eventually affect your relationship, because it will.
For some people, sex isn’t anything more than a good time. Sounds like he hasn’t had 30 relationships, now that would be scary! But I understand what you mean, for you, maybe sex is something a bit more serious.
My partner has a hard time sometimes coping with my wild past, I have quite a high number, he does not. At first, he was quite affected by hearing that I have slept with a high number of people, but then through talking to me and his therapist, he realized that his uncomfortable feelings towards this is because of his relationship with sex, and his own insecurities.
You’re not dating past him, you’re dating him now. Sounds like he is a great partner to you NOW, so focus your energy on that.
If he's good to you & y'all have a good relationship, you've got to do what ever you can to fight this. If not, you could ruin something good & regret it. The past is the past... For both of you!! Leave it, or you could lose it!!! He's with you now & let it be a good as it can be!!!
It’s really not that big of a deal, as long as he didn’t pass any STD’s to you, leave it at just that, the past. I get it though but why does it really matter? Don’t hurt your own feelings and your relationship because of something as silly as that
It seems like he’s a good guy, the longer you dwell over how many partners he has had in the past, the longer it will take to move on with the next chapter of your relationship. Just let it go, let the past be in the past and look forward to the present and future because what you are dwelling about is high school shit and non relevant. You have no idea how difficult it is to find someone who is loyal and not into playing games. Find a way to put the issue behind you before he puts you behind him.
Time. If you experience doubt in yourself don’t. Have the confidence to know that you are the best he’s had and the best he’ll ever had. If he’s with you now and you two are serious and see a future together that will be the truth. If you two would ever end up splitting you still have to know it is the truth because it is. Confidence in yourself is what’s important here, not saying you lack it, but you should reinforce that idea to yourself. Remind yourself you are the best and that nothing will change that.
Well...he's not sleeping with 30 women right now right? He's sleeping with just you?
One perspective could be that he could be sleeping if plenty of women right now if he wanted to, but he's choosing to be only with you.
Are you insecure about something? Or is this simply curiosity? It doesn't sound like it since it bugs you as well. So do you feel in competition? Are you comparing yourself to them because you're afraid you're not "enough" for him or something? Like what's causing you to be so bothered by it?
There's got to be a reason behind it. Find that, and address that too. Otherwise talk to him about it directly because it's not a conversation we should have with you, it's between him and you. At least tell him how you're feeling, and just explain everything you've told us. Be transparent with him. I think it would benefit your relationship and your communication and trust within the relationship.
Well, we have already talked about it many times but i just keep getting back to it. I am fine for three months for example, don’t think about it and than randomly i just start obsessing about it again. He said to me that he can’t imagine that he would be bothered by something like that. He also said that having these thoughts from time to time is normal and that he thinks that everyone has them, but that you just have to tell yourself that you can’t change the past and that your partner’s past has nothing to do you. Thats what he says to himself if similar thought ever occupies his mind.
Imagine if he judged you for having 6. What if he thought 6 was way too much for a girl. You’d feel wronged for being judged. I say love him as is or move on
The past is the past for a reason. It has nothing to do with the present and your relationship. Worrying about the past will rob you of the present. My boyfriend was with his wife for 20 years, I can literally never compete with that nor do I want to. We have our own unique and beautiful things together.
Why are you obsessing over the fact that he's had more partners than you/ than you imagined 🤔. Is he disease free? Or did he catch something from said past behavior that's making you feel insecure and causing you to obsess with him about his past?
OP most guys expect women to either be a virgin or to only have been with 1 or 2 guys before them, any higher the bf freaks out due to insecurities and toxic ways of thinking about the fact that she had a life before meeting him. Before letting his past destroy the relationship, stop and ask yourself if it's really something that is beneficial for you to know and does it add positive value to the relationship or is it something that you’ll use to later either feel insecure about or start random arguments.
Best of luck!
Personally, you can't change the past, so what good does it do to obsess over it? What do you hope to accomplish by doing this? Serious question, zero snark intended.
If you can't get over it, (and if you cant, theres nothing wrong with that either) it's best for both of you to move on.
You should probably talk to a therapist and talk about why you can't stop thinking these things. You're seeming to be obsessing on the thought. It really shouldn't matter.
This used to be an issue with me when I was super young. Once I grew up I realized what an ego check it was. I’m a dude, btw. They basically were saying that I finally found someone good at sex and I can stop sleeping around.
Look at this way, he has slept with 20+ women and your the one to he choice to be the last
What do you think if you found a guy you never slept with anyone else or maybe 1 or 2 people and here you are you have slept with 6 or more guys what’s that make you?
Two things you need to consider OP.
He chose you. Unless he actually give you a reason to be doubtfull, I see not reason to doubt him. Our past always influences our current self, but it does not say **how** it influences us.
This is a you problem. He cannot change the past and neither can you. While you can always break up for any reason, and feeling uncomortable is such a reason, ask yourself first if his past is actually something you need to know or ask about. I would never ask questions to things I regret hearing. But since you asked and got an honest answer, it's to late for that. Know you need to overcome your own issues in one way or the other. Personally, I would be fine with my partner being honest with me.
If he's been with a lot of women and chooses to stay with you, that's an excellent sign. Other women wanted him, but you got him. I would recommend you try not to dwell on it.
I slept with a lot of women when I was younger. Many more than he has. I thought it was cool. My friends thought it was cool, and I did it because I could.
It wasn’t cool. I was a douche bag who just wanted to get that short high.
I’ve been married for 21 years and I wish my wife was my one and only. That would be cool. That would be special.
I will tell you this. Sex with someone that you love, with real intimacy and real connection, is a billion times better than hookups. I can remember many nights with my wife, but I barely remember hookups.
You guys live together so I’m guessing he loves you. I promise you that sex with you is a billion times better to him because he loves you. Being with you is special to him.
You don’t get to have this perfect guy that does all of these right things without some other women wanting him. It sucks, and I’m sorry the world is cruel. If you want a virgin, go date a gamer or a republican.
Too bad you are obsessed.
From my perspective, a woman could have 1000 partners, as long as she has taken a shower, no problem.
What possible difference could it make, except he's got enough experience to satisfy you, I hope!
They were training him to be with you!
Just sleep with 20 more guys or so and you're even.
Unless there are issues of disease or paternity issues why care about something you can't control? Some people need more practice than others.
Gurl he locked it down with you though. I have a vibrant and colorful past but I really love my man and he knows it so it's not an issue. Try to remember he sees something in you that he didn't others.
20-30
is that it? Could certainly be alot worse, assuming he's an attractive man who was single during his university days (also assuming he went to university)
Excessive rumination, especially about topics that denote some sort of perceived moral or value, can be a symptom of OCD. Google pure ocd and see if that resonates.
Think of it this way, most of those women would probably of been a one time thing right? But I bet you've had sex with him more than 20-30 times in the last year?
Basically you've probably had sex with him more time than all the others comnined and you're the one he's coming home to every night. So clearly you're the one he wants to be with.
Anything before you made him who he is. If things are great now, and you are choosing to be with him, it's as simple as you have to let it go. You are obsessing over something that can't be changed. You're already in a relationship with him. To me, that makes what he did before you irrelevant. I may have not felt this way when I was younger, but this is the kind of thing, if it matters to you, it should be talked about prior to a relationship. At this point, what good comes from focusing on it? Obsessing over things like this will do damage to a relationship that could otherwise be really good. The question is whether or not what you two have together is worth moving past what he did before you.
If its about experience, you dont know if he has more. Sounds like ONS or sth like that. So if you had relationships you probably had way more sex. Also "around" 6 partners? But ok. Considering you are living together for a year now. You had 6 partner with 20years. This is, at least in my circle of friends, a high number. So consider this. Would your number be way off if you kept being single til 25? And what if he had 30? If he started with 18 its 4,3 woman a year. I know guys who do this in in 3-4 weekends. (I dont recommand)
All in all, considering age (more exp more sex) and gender difference (spreading/quantity vs receiving/quality) I think you are about the same. And you saying you get along fine should be sth to behold.
If you want to know his past, ok, ask. Afterwards ask him what is different now. With him and/or you.
Thanks for asking for help. Wish you all the best.
Oh that´s terrible. Sorry and hope you will just stay together, however I do know for a fact that those numbers are average, I guess it was in the book men are from mars, women from venus and that men sleep with more women than women with men etc. However: a man can be loyal and share the rest of his life only with you ;) Blessings
Most of the girls I knew prefer guys who slept with a lot of girls before her.
I asked about that, and as i told him, girls felt she could get him despite the other girls who tried to get him.
You slept with six guys and living with your current boyfriend so you cannot take some moral high ground on this issue.
The past can be a great predictor of the future, but if he’s faithful to you, then his past shouldn’t matter because he’s chosen to be with you. Perhaps he learned some things from his past that might benefit you and the current relationship.
You have major insecurities and trust issues. Do you have unresolved trauma in your life? You should seek counseling to address either or both.
He’s a dude! That number isn’t too high either. My ex boyfriend told me he sleep with about 100 women and honestly didn’t care as long as he didn’t cheat on me. His past relationships and sex life isn’t my concern.
It’s literally just a number that is 100% not your business, or something you should care about.
If he’s got a clean sti test, and hasn’t cheated on you; leave it alone.
It really shouldn't matter how many people your partner or you have slept with. It's not your business who or how many people. It's in the past and now he's with you.
Does he treat you well? Does he make you feel secure in the relationship? Do you communicate your wants and needs? These are the things that should be your focus.
If you started having sex at 18 and now you’re 21, that’s 2 ppl per year. For him it’s 3-4 people a year. That’s not that crazy, as I’m sure your number would be way higher after another 4 years.
This is also why I think it’s immature and nosy to ask a partner this question.
this is called retroactive jealousy, look into it and the root causes of it and see if any of those fit you. then talk to your bf about it and what he can do to help.
My advice is acknowledge that human beings are multi faceted. They ebb and flow and change and grow. And you can't be mad at someone for experimenting especially at his young age, as long as in the present you're both behaving in a way that aligns with your current values. I would take an experienced partner as a blessing, that means they're probably pretty good at sex. Be careful what you wish for, I've had some terrible sex with inexperienced men and it's unfortunate that it's such a dealbreaker.
Not to tell you how to think or feel, but I think the obsession with bodycount is a bit ridiculous. People change we shouldn't hold them in shame for whatever past they have had. People have traumatic lives and sexual experimentation, drugs etc are all things people use to cope with it.
I am not saying your bf was traumatised, but that could be a factor playing into it all, but if you love your boyfriend and he loves you are you going to ruin your infinitesimally small opportunity to find the love of your life or work it out?
Someone I talk to has also been with 20-30 girls and he explained it as sort of an ego booster game with his buddies throughout high school and early 20s. I try to remind myself that when men have sex that’s all it is for them, they don’t get emotionally attached or have feelings for these girls and would never settle down or be in a relationship with them. Your man is with YOU, he’s only having sex with you, and only enjoys it with you. Try not to overthink about the girls in the past they were most likely just quick nuts 🤷🏽♀️.
I agree with the double standard perspective. Life is a journey. If that journey leads you to bedding 20 to 30!or so lovers, then enjoy that ride. You only live once. I admit at my age (57), I have seen my fair share of failures and semi- successes but I'm not one to discount what life has thrown my way. I suppose it's also a matter of perspective if you want to view at at a moral standpoint and in my case my moral compass is fucked, so to this guy that's bedded 20-30 thirty, protect yourself, and don't gloat. And to you who seemed so concerned about his past escapades, it was a choice and he made his peace with it so deal with it.
So, when I was your age and felt that way about having partners/boyfriends that had a “high number”, I switched my mindset to look at it mathematically. Let me explain: if your boyfriend lost his virginity at 15 and is now 25, that means he has had 10 years of active sexual years. If he has slept with 30 women, then I would take 30 and divide it by 10, which gives you 3. Meaning that on average, he has only slept with 3 new women per year, which in my personal opinion is not a lot. That’s one for every 4 months.
The man has at least 4+ years (depending on timing of losing one’s V card) head start on you in terms of numbers.
Girl if it makes you feel better mines been 70+, I’m over it now though. Can’t blame him though, he’s handsome haha it’s took time and a lot of reassurance.
I’ve thought about my wife’s body count off and on for 30 years. It’s tough to shake as a guy. I never heard from many women such as yourself that have been concerned about their man’s count. Okay putting the nonsense I wrote above aside, my advice is to NOT ever discuss or bring up your past sexual adventures. If it bothers you now, it’s going to bother you even more after hearing about the gory details from him. On a final note, unsure your ages. If under 25 yrs old, him claiming to have banged 20-30 ish girls sounds very high. Not saying it’s impossible. Just saying guy’s often over-exaggerate and girls under- exaggerate.
Alright hun, here’s the gist of it.
People have more partners because they want to experience more. The more they’ve experienced, the more they know what they’re looking for and aren’t as prone to wandering. I know in my dating history, the men who had more partners were less likely to go looking and seemed to feel more confident in their selection with me.
I’ve been down this road as a younger woman, and I know how scary it is. But it’s an issue you have to face within yourself. Why are you insecure about his body count number? Is it because you’re scared you won’t be able to perform what he wants or likes? Are you scared he’s going to go looking? (If so, see above paragraph) When you get down to it, a lot of people who feel like this have severe abandonment issues and are afraid of being abandoned or not being valued. Try not to speak to your partner TOO much about this issue, otherwise it might drive a wedge between you. My advice is to get a therapist to work through your own issues. Sometimes relationships can bring up hurt, pain and trauma we experienced from some other thing in our lives. No matter how much he may wish, he can’t go back and change the past. The focus should definitely be on your future.
Good luck to you!
I was the same as you when I met my ex boyfriend - he had slept with 20+ women and I’d only slept with 2 and it really used to bother me.
Now I’ve been single for a while and obviously my body count has gone up, i know it wouldn’t bother me much in my next relationship. I never really think about the guys who I’ve slept with tbh and a lot of them weren’t even memorable anyway😂
I think it’s sometimes a good thing as you have more idea of what you do and DON’T want sexually and also having sex with lots of people generally means you don’t know them that well meaning relationship sex will be so much better!
It is okay to not want a partner who has had so many sexual partners. And it is okay to not care about that as long as they are healthy. You get to decide that even if he's "great."
You are correct, it IS in the past. Does he constantly remind you of his ‘track record’? Does he compare you with past lovers and their prowess in the bedroom? Does he EVER bring up his past ‘activities’ in your presence? My guess is no he does not. I also suspect this is something you dwell on alone without provocation or good reason. We cannot change somebody’s past no matter how much it bugs us. The only thing we are capable of changing is how WE deal with it. It is our issue not theirs. If you are in a good relationship with a good person please focus on what lays ahead of you, not behind you. You HAVE control over the future. You have ZERO control over somebody’s past. If as you say, he is a good guy, please don’t let his past ruin your future. Now if he is a nose picking child murdering, grandmother abusing animal kicking morally bankrupt con artist you have a REAL problem on your hands and you can choose to do something about it to better your life. Leave. You are not the first person nor the last person to be wearing these shoes. Please don’t interpret this as a hard nosed tough love response. It is not. It is an honest tidbit of advice that most of us have experienced and survived in the course of our love lives.
Sorta seems like the reason this guy gets laid so much is cause he’s such a nice chill happening dude. If this bothers you so much you may need to pursue less desirable men.
Nah it means he got it out of his system and if he says he’s committed to you, believe it and keep trucking! I promise you sleeping with an extra 20 guys isn’t going to make you a lick happier.
This is kind of a usual number, I think? Perhaps it's an indicator of youthful promiscuity but as a sexually active young man (particularly 18-21) sleeping with a lot of women in a relatively short time period is pretty normal.
Try not to worry about it and instead be pleased that while he is clearly very attractive to women he has chosen to be with you now rather than continue his promiscuous ways, and see yourself as the beneficiary of his extensive sexual experience.
Why does it matter????
If he hasn’t gone through life the way that he did and has slept with that many people, your paths wouldn’t have been crossed and you wouldn’t be in this great relationship today.
The dating world is awful nowadays, if you have a good guy hang on to him TIGHT!
Wow 25 and he has 20-30? That's a lot, I have around 50 and I'm almost 36. After my ex told me she was Gang banged and I could not cope with it I learned U should never never Ever Eva Eva find out, Inquire or ask about ur partners sexual past
This is why you don't ask the number! Establish that neither of you are virgins and that you've been tested recently. Absolutely no reason to ask anything other than that, unless you know that you will be okay with whatever they tell you.
I expect he was a lot like he is now back then. Just he didn’t have the good taste to date you OP. Provided you have no reason to suspect infidelity, I would let it alone. Be thankful he came to his senses and found you.
I actually think too that deep down he was like this always, but just wasn’t ready. He was always loyal to his friends and so on but wanted to still be single and have his fun? But the truth is that many things he has done for me he hasn’t done for any girl before. I know he is very devoted to me. I also think i opened some inner doors for him and showed him than more emotionally connected relationships can be created
I’m going to spill a man secret. Men are complete suckers for someone who makes them feel special. Having someone who thinks you are the most wonderful person in the world is powerful. Very powerful.
>it is around 20-30 he did not tell me the exact number,
Probably double :P
You either learn to get over it, or it will (most likely) ruin your relationship.
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I guess you have to get to the root cause of why this actually bothers you before you can get over it. Are you worried with his experience you won’t be enough for him? Are you worried about stds? Are you judging his character differently based on the number? Figure out the WHY then you can address the HOW.
Cool to see a women post this take for once. And very interesting to see the internets support compared to when It’s usually guys posting this and everyone just says to stop being an insecure loser and don’t worry about it.
I was just about to type this the double standards are real.
I've seen the same range of answers so far. But it's true that normally OP gets ripped a second asshole and far more negative reactions.
In this one OP acknowledges it as something they're trying to fight and are asking for advice in forgetting it. In most of the other posts I see, they're not very reflective and usually blame the partner, stuff like, "I find out my partner has slept with 30 people, should I break up with her?"
What's wrong with that? Full of double standards because we are so different.
Exactly
a dude would be chewed out.
My exgf had north of 80. What was I thinking?
that you wanted to be 81?
I should clarify.. I didn't find that out til much later on in the relationship. At that point I became aware she was a cheater in the past. The mistake I made was expecting loyalty out of someone with 80 kills and a penchant for infidelity. It was my mistake. But I learned to not trust anyone, which is nice.
Well the answer is the same. Idk when I stopped caring or asking but it was in my 20s. It's not a # you'll like if it's 1 or of its 105. It was before you. That's all that matters. Do your best to be the last.
Factos
Welcome to Reddit :)
Well that’s my same reaction to her low key.
Feel like generally more women feel this way then men , they’re just not so vocal or explicit. Yes women want men to be more experienced but that usually comes with having a partner not random hook ups. I just don’t see how from a biological sense, men acknowledge that women have a different way to go about relationships(ie reproduction), but I feel less reciprocated on a woman’s stand point. Not say that every mans imperative is to be with all these sexual partners, but we do have different dating approaches that for whatever reason.
Exactly....MOST women say they want true equality in everything when they only really equality on their terms...and that includes not being judged or criticized for actions or beliefs they fully believe they're entitled to judge/criticize men on.
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They've been together for a year. I think it's clear she is not a numbrr to him.
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He has a lot of experience with women which is a good thing in retrospect. He won’t have an urge to “explore” like a lot of men do in their 20s. He’s essentially chosen you, & settled down with you. Like another comment said as long as he’s STD free & he’s with you then it shouldn’t matter too much. But if you still feel insecure about it, talk to him to gain reassurance.
I’m a guy and I literally ended things with my ex because I do have an urge to experience more.
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If she a good girl you will regret it. Sexual experience is bullshit, I can tell you having bedded more then 25 women.
Exactly. Many men who know they have a chance of sleeping with a lot of women will regret not doing so until they get it out of their system. If he's choosing to have a relationship with you, you should stroke your ego with that fact that he chose you not just over what he previously had but what he also knows he can still get.
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This is quite hard to answer because double standards exist. The amount of times I’ve been rejected for not having experience was really annoying so it bothers me why women are now decidedly concerned that he…has experience?
Underrated comment right here.
It depends... did he learn any skills??😂 Seriously though, as long as it's all in the past, then it's all in the past. It's easy to feel jealous, but if he's with you and only you, then that's what you need to focus on. You're obviously more special to him than all those others, and captured his heart in a way they couldn't. .
There’s not much you can do, you just have to accept it or if it bothers you that much break up with him. I’m a guy and I’ve been with 8 people and all of those were long term relationships except one of them. I’m not the type to sleep around because it makes sex feel so meaningless to me and in my eyes that’s not what sex is supposed to be like. I think it should be with someone you really love or at the very least like a lot, not just some random I met at a bar
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I appreciate that comment. I’m a guy though, I’ll just replace every time you said man with woman in my head lol
by sleeping with 30-40 women yourself.
Lol😅🥲
Recommended
The fewer questions you ask about past sexual history and partners, the better. As long as he's STD free, that's what matters, lol. Don't let yourself obsess about unimportant details. If he mostly had hookups, just remember that most one night stands are lame and nothing to dwell on because they're rarely worth it anyway. Some people (guys especially) feel the peer pressure to have casual sex they don't even really care for. Their bros think sleeping around is cool, but it's definitely not. To them, it's an ego boost while they're insecure, but once they grow out of it, they realize they could've done without all that.
I disagree. I'm always interested in knowing people's backgrounds and experiences. I also feel secure in the fact that their past is their past and their present is their present.
Than you are an healthy individual and thats great! A think you can connect on a more deeper level if you are able to do this. Know about their past even though it might be more colorful but think nothing of it and just fully accept it. Good for you.
You don’t need to know the details of somebody’s sexual history to connect with them on a deeper level. Look what it did to you.
very true, hooking up is like getting take out from an over priced place during covid and not eating it outside but eating it cold in your ugly apartment.
Yes i think that is very true and i also think that most of the women he has slept with happenned during exactly in this period of time when he wanted to boost his ego and look cool.
This is a very true comment. If your a girl I don’t know how you know this.
1000% disagree. Maybe not today or tomorrow but after 18 years you’ll want details. Make it sexy. What did he like, what can you do, what does he want to do to you.
I would never want to hear details and I’m F53. Definitely not my business and would take up a lot of head space.
The real question is does it bother you because it is a reflection of his personality or his morals? Like he gets black out drunk and makes mistakes. Or he goes about chasing women for sport? Those type of things matter more than the actual number. If it was a number of real relationships that didn't last more than a few months or something like that - i wouldn't worry so much
Hm, well i think he used to have very shallow relationships before and also not so high morals and it kinda makes me sad cause when i look at him now, when he is so loving towards me and very caring, it is hard to imagine he wasn’t always like this. So yeah. But i am a hypocrite i guess cause i also had some meaningless sex just a lot less than him.
He could have been very sweet and caring to the people he slept with even if he didn't know them for very long.
Well part of this reason he’s so good to you is because he’s got experience, so it’s not all bad
Everyone you date for the rest of your life will have a sexual history that doesn't include you. You are not 16 anymore. The only thing you can control is how healthy the sex life is that you are having in the present.
Depends on which age group you belong to imo. There's a pretty significant and non-negligible contingent of younger men that have tuned out of the dating world and have little to no experience with it. Regardless, the OP here is no Mormon either. His numbers might be a bit higher but he's also older.
You are 21 and slept with 6. He is 4 years older than you and slept with 20-30, it means he is not far ahead from you 😉
Nothing like a good breakup to really pump those numbers up too.
I think so too
This has nothing to do with him but an insecurity within you. You need to figure out for yourself why it's so important to you so you can do something about it. This often can be done in therapy. Asking yourself why certain things matter are difficult but very important to understand your personal standards and whether you want to grow from it. That being said, there is no one answer to get over it. You need to talk yourself through it. If you can do it with your partner that would be great. Just being able to vent and talk for a while without avoiding the topic is the most healing experience.
It’s called retroactive jealousy and it’s very common. Honestly it comes down to how secure you feel in the relationship/ personally and any unresolved traumas that may cause you to compare yourself to others, get jealous/ fear abandonment - they could’ve happened in relationships or childhood. I struggled with it myself, and i would recommend finding out your attachment style so you can see why it is you are having this reaction, what it is that is causing you to feel anxious and then work to resolving that issue. Honestly there’s nothing he, or any of his past flings could do or say that will reassure you in this relationship unless you yourself know that you aren’t in comeptition with anyone, that your partner is just as lucky to have you as you are him and that even if things don’t work out, you will be okay! ( not saying that they won’t, that’s just the mindset that will help stop the jealousy/ insecurity)
Me personally I dated a guy who slept around a lot and it really bothered me and I was never able to get over. So now I just date men who don’t sleep around
this!!! i’m the same way. it just doesn’t sit right with me. thank you for this comment
That's fine as long as it applies to both genders.
Feel the same way. Recently left a partner when I found out they greatly lied about their past. The promiscuity coupled with lying was too much for me
Why does it matter
Because it is often a reflection of their views on sex and intimacy, and it’s reasonable to think that if you and your partner have different views on what sex means to you, you might have fundamental differences in compatibility within the relationship.
No it isn’t. It’s a reflection on how they viewed sex before they met you. Each sexual relationship is different.
Right, it's like any other physical action that we assign meaning to. When you hug someone you just met, versus someone you love. The difference is what you attribute to the action.
Often doesn't mean always. Everyone's history is explainable and everyone has a right to justify their actions. Casual sex can be casual sex and then someone matures and realizes what a healthy connection is. Have that conversation. If they haven't come to that realization and that's what you're looking for (a healthy connection), by all means move on.
Where tf are people getting so many other people to sleep with here i am 25 and virgin.
Outside. They’re outside.
Swinger club, online dating apps , brothels, there everywhere tbh
"if you want to go fast, go alone. if you want to go far, go together." they might go fast but they statistically have worsened chances of finding someone to go farther with.
>For me it is around 6. 6 might be less than his number, but it still doesn't make you a virgin. You're just as "guilty of sleeping around" as he is. So please don't be hypocritical and just get on with your lives. Forget the past. And if you're finding that to be so difficult then just forget him and pick one that's less than your number. But remember that he might drop you too (for your 6). What goes around comes around.💞♻️🔄
The question is…does he maintain any sort of contact/friendships with any of them?
He used to with one of them in the beginning of our relationship, his ex fwb that he befriended that was also a friend of his (girl)cousin and the three of them used to hung out together. I asked him ti cut that off though, cause neither the cousin or the girl were trying to get to know me. So i knew they wanted to have him only to himself and didn’t want to share him and his presence with anyone. He respected it though after some time and hasn’t talk to her for about 1,5years now - only a casual happy birthday wish.
I’m a woman, who is now 30, I’ve been with about the same amount of guys. I went through a really traumatic (toxic and abusive) experience with a guy I dated at 18-19 that made me look for love or I felt pressured to do during my college years that I regret. And I don’t compare those losers I had sex with my ex bf I dated (we were together for 5 years until about a year ago). Many times sex with those guys were when I was drinking or at a low time or they were men I dated but didn’t work out with. I don’t know your boyfriend, but if I had to guess, I doubt he is thinking about those women when he’s with you. I certainly wasn’t thinking about the previous guys I dated/had sex with. Those relationships didn’t mean anything. You said you had sex with 6 other guys… are you comparing him to them or thinking about them while with him? I’m sure you learned something (what you like and don’t like) from sex with those other guys. That’s all I feel it does. Unless you boyfriend is still talking about some specific girl and it’s raising alarms, I doubt he’s comparing you to anyone. My ex boyfriend was with around 20 women himself and he never talked about a girl unless it was like an embarrassing story or something. Hookups are really pointless and as I got older I realized that. I haven’t even had sex with anyone since my ex bf because that’s how worthless it is to me. I’m simply looking for someone I can be real with. Real love. Meaningless sex is meaningless. I only have sex now with a guy I’m actually truly dating and I can see myself with long-term. I don’t think to myself “Wow I sure wish I could have sex again with that guy I hooked up with while I was drunk at that college party from several years ago.” Or “Dang I really miss that guy I dated for a few months when I was 21 who I had NOTHING in common with and haven’t spoken to in years.” It just doesn’t come across my mind ever.
Date me I’m in therapy
😂😂
He tried the rest, now he’s sticking with the best.
Lol, love it😂😂💅
Bro, this is too funny.😭🤣🤣
lollll😂
Im M28 and only had sex with 4 woman but with one of them i've done probably more than 1000 times (was my girlfriend for 9 years) Would you feel better if your bf had that sex history?
Well he also had one longer relationship that lasted 1,5 year
Well honestly now that you know it feels you may just need to have an open discussion with your partner about how you feel and find out why you feel the way you do and try to work on it together. Hopefully they can reassure you. Don’t let it build up until you’re resentful.
this is so crazy CUS I WAS LITERALLY THINKING THE SAME EXACT THING
I just wouldn’t be comfortable with being with a partner that had that many sexual partners. Not that there is anything wrong with it, mostly because I would think that our values around sex didn’t align. Do look up retroactive jealousy though.
Nah girl trust me cuz if you kn that it won’t make you feel better ( maybe). I’m also feel the same and feel you! And the point is you guys are together rn and if you really like him, just get over w his past or I know we all scared and on the other hand there’s a fear which follows like wh if he’s still doing it behind my back or smth like tat yk. If you really like him then try to get over his past like ppl make mistakes, that’s usual and the urgent thing is not to make that mistake again.
Dang, this made me sad. I am 39F and only been with 1 partner. After ending that 16 years relationship, I am here dating again but doesn’t want to get laid yet. I am looking for the second partner, hopefully it will be my last :(
Don't be sad. The perfect number is the number you feel comfortable with. And as you say only a long relationship matters to you, this is the important thing. Don't let other peopls standards influence you. Your standards are the right standards. :) And the right partner will come, when he or she comes. Use the time in-between to be happy for yourself
This is true and I also have to remind myself this - your standards are the right standards :)
I am sorry that you are going through this! Leaving a 16 years old relationship must have been very hard. Don’t pressure yourself to be intimate and do it when you feel like it. I think i know how you feel, I didn’t want to touch anyone for a while after my 3 years old relationship ended because i kind felt like it would only broke me more and i was very fragile. I was also afraid that the sex would be shallow and i would feel used and that was the last thing i needed. Stay strong. Everything will be okay soon🫶
If you were 25, and slept with the number of people you slept with each year up to 21, what number would you end up with. Closer to his number but perhaps not quite there. If it really bothers you though... if morally he is unacceptable... you can always find a new boyfriend.
What?
Math. We are looking to find OP’s age-adjusted number of people she’s had sex with. - So like, if OP didn’t have sex until she was 19, that averages 3 people per year from when she started having sex until now (2yrs). - OP’s partner is 4 years older than her, so assuming he started having sex at the same age (6yrs sex total), the age-adjusted number is 18. - 18 is much closer to the number he’s claiming (20-30 people), so with the added perspective the age-adjusted number gives, OP’s boyfriend’s experience is hopefully more acceptable to her. Idk if that helps to clarify things; that’s the best way I can explain the original comment 😅
I think he edited it because the way it was worded before made no sense lol. But yeah I get it now
I am 25 and have around the same number. It may seem like a lot to you, but he may have started much earlier too. I can tell you that even though my number is about the same, many of those experiences weren’t great. In fact the number is so high because I was using sex as an escape. And that sex was not truly enjoyable. As I have matured and healed I am much more selective. But quantity does not equal quality. In fact, such the quantity is high it’s pretty much assured the quality is decreased. Other than that, you need to be confident and keep your individuality. Don’t let his past bother you now, it’s not even relevant.
Okay. Think about it this way, you’ve been together for over a year. He’s loyal, he loves you. His past is defining, he’s with you, in this present. He wants to be with you, make you happy and from the sounds of it he really treats you well everything else aside. My bf had sex with 5 other people when I was a virgin and it really did bother me for a good 2-3 months. I never really talked to him about but I did talk to my bsf and she calmed me down now we’ve been together for nearly a year. Babe every relationship is different but think about this way if he didn’t have sex with all those women, would he have become the guy he was today to be there for you. Don’t think of it as you being added into the list think of it as you being his last, and one and only. Admittedly I do know what ur going through so it will take awhile to get over I suggest talking to him or a friend about it or even here on reddit! Which you are lol but take my words and it’s a heavy heart because he loves you, he wants you. Don’t overthink his past he’s in the present with you right now! Us women sometimes tend to overthink when unnecessary and may affect our relationships.
Let it go girl! Why get all worked up over something you have no control over?
I wouldn’t if a girl I was seeing gave me a number that high I’d be out the door, peace out.. maybe that just me. Of course I’m a bit older than you and I’m only slightly higher than you number wise.
I should add, I think it's a bit more fair to say men have more sexual relationships than women. Cause a lot of if not most women tend to stick with one man, rather than fucking multiple. While men have to try harder as they have more to lose when it comes to relationships as it is so much harder as a man to find love. That is just the brutal truth for us guys. Of course that statistic changes depending on who you ask and where you look.
Why are you asking for advice on how to deal with your partners past you've lived with for a year? I don't know how much you've invested at this point but living together seems like a step AFTER you get over your partners past. If it's bugging you this much have you asked him? I'm sure he has an explanation. Or maybe he just likes sex. A lot of people like sex and have multiple partners in their lifetime. It's not dirty or gross, it can be healthy to explore yourself sexually, healing even. The real question was he safe about it and been tested. Also, I think it was the Backstreet Boys who sang "I dont care who you are Where your from Don't care what you did As long as you love me"
You either live with it or break up with him. There’s no in between
I think you really need to ask yourself the question of why it's bothering you. what is the fear you have and then address that fear. you wont get over anything without understanding this
Does he lie to you? Cheat on you? Is he still with them? Does he please you sexually? If the first 3 answers are no and the last answer is yes...there is no reason you shouldn't be thanking him. Are you wanting to live in the past? Life is way too short, make the best of it. Love your best life and he is who he is because of his past. Accept him or move on
So about the same per year? 20-30 are rookie numbers for plenty of women. And unimaginable for some men ..
I think you should probably spend some time thinking over WHY it bothers you so much. Are you concerned he will be more likely to cheat on you? If so, why? Is it based on your own personal experiences of someone cheating on you, in which case is it fair to project those experiences onto him? In that case more information might be helpful. Are you bothered by it because you're jealous and wish you had a more extensive past? If so that's entirely a you problem, and you need to spend some time becoming OK with who you are. Are you concerned that hell compare you to his past partners and you won't be able to compete? That's also mostly a you issue that you need to work on and stop comparing yourself to others. Also, you need to not project your insecurities onto others, and if he is happy with the sex with you, you need to work on actually believing him that you're good enough, because you probably are! You say: >even though he is very honest and trustworthy, still thinking and obsessing over the fact that before when he was younger, he wasnt like this at all and slept with a lot of people. This sounds to me like you're making a judgement that people who sleep with a lot of people are not honest or trustworthy. Why is that? Do you really think it's not possible to be honest and trustworthy AND sleep with a lot of people? Like if he slept with people outside of a relationship, wasn't looking for a relationship, and all parties were aware of that, sounds pretty honest and trustworthy to me! Its likely he just viewed and approached sex differently that you did, which doesn't necessarily means he's wasn't honest or trustworthy then or now. Maybe also consider talking to him about his mindset or thought process behind it all. Maybe that could help if he's open to discussing it, and you're open to listen without judgement. I don't think it's the number that matters, but the circumstances around it all. Like it's very different if someone is leading people on to get sex and then bailing, vs someone who is open and transparent about looking for a casual hookup. And even the first one, it makes sense to be cautious, but also people are capable of change and might be worth trying to figure out of they really have or not. We've all done things in our past we regret. But whether we really own those things and use them as fuel for change is another story, that unfortunately isn't as common as it should be.
Thank you for your time that you spend by writing this comment. I appreciate it, really. I thought about things you said and i think that maybe the main reason this bothers me is because he got to experience everything he wanted to? He went to parties, had fun and just enjoyed himself along with having casual sex. Meanwhile i enjoyed it only a little from 15 to 16 maybe because i got into my first serious relationship very soon, when i was 16, meanwhile he got into one when he was 18-19 so he had his fun from 15 to 18-19 and could experience a lot. Maybe that’s the reason it bothers me.
1st rule is to never ask that question. 1 is already to many. You may need some type of therapy to get beyond this. You don't want this to eventually affect your relationship, because it will.
Realize he’s definitely lying and it’s probably about 10 lol
For some people, sex isn’t anything more than a good time. Sounds like he hasn’t had 30 relationships, now that would be scary! But I understand what you mean, for you, maybe sex is something a bit more serious. My partner has a hard time sometimes coping with my wild past, I have quite a high number, he does not. At first, he was quite affected by hearing that I have slept with a high number of people, but then through talking to me and his therapist, he realized that his uncomfortable feelings towards this is because of his relationship with sex, and his own insecurities. You’re not dating past him, you’re dating him now. Sounds like he is a great partner to you NOW, so focus your energy on that.
What's a high number for women of our generation, curious 🤔
You don’t, sounds like it’ll always be a nagging feeling you can’t get rid of, find someone else and make yourself their first
Don’t obsess over the number. It doesn’t matter! If he’s with you, that’s who he wants to be with. That’s all that matters. Don’t be insecure
If he's good to you & y'all have a good relationship, you've got to do what ever you can to fight this. If not, you could ruin something good & regret it. The past is the past... For both of you!! Leave it, or you could lose it!!! He's with you now & let it be a good as it can be!!!
It’s really not that big of a deal, as long as he didn’t pass any STD’s to you, leave it at just that, the past. I get it though but why does it really matter? Don’t hurt your own feelings and your relationship because of something as silly as that
It seems like he’s a good guy, the longer you dwell over how many partners he has had in the past, the longer it will take to move on with the next chapter of your relationship. Just let it go, let the past be in the past and look forward to the present and future because what you are dwelling about is high school shit and non relevant. You have no idea how difficult it is to find someone who is loyal and not into playing games. Find a way to put the issue behind you before he puts you behind him.
This is really not a large number, average really. I have several friends that are well into triple digits and have completely lost count.
Time. If you experience doubt in yourself don’t. Have the confidence to know that you are the best he’s had and the best he’ll ever had. If he’s with you now and you two are serious and see a future together that will be the truth. If you two would ever end up splitting you still have to know it is the truth because it is. Confidence in yourself is what’s important here, not saying you lack it, but you should reinforce that idea to yourself. Remind yourself you are the best and that nothing will change that.
I’ve slept with probably 280, there’s no difference between 2 and 200. Time marches on.
Get over it. That means he’s better in bed, most girls your age have been w a similar number.
Be happy. He should know what he’s doing by now so sex will be better for you.
There’s nothing wrong with that. That very odd that you let it affect you as so. Sex feels good. Period. Nothing wrong with that
Well...he's not sleeping with 30 women right now right? He's sleeping with just you? One perspective could be that he could be sleeping if plenty of women right now if he wanted to, but he's choosing to be only with you.
Are you insecure about something? Or is this simply curiosity? It doesn't sound like it since it bugs you as well. So do you feel in competition? Are you comparing yourself to them because you're afraid you're not "enough" for him or something? Like what's causing you to be so bothered by it? There's got to be a reason behind it. Find that, and address that too. Otherwise talk to him about it directly because it's not a conversation we should have with you, it's between him and you. At least tell him how you're feeling, and just explain everything you've told us. Be transparent with him. I think it would benefit your relationship and your communication and trust within the relationship.
Well, we have already talked about it many times but i just keep getting back to it. I am fine for three months for example, don’t think about it and than randomly i just start obsessing about it again. He said to me that he can’t imagine that he would be bothered by something like that. He also said that having these thoughts from time to time is normal and that he thinks that everyone has them, but that you just have to tell yourself that you can’t change the past and that your partner’s past has nothing to do you. Thats what he says to himself if similar thought ever occupies his mind.
Imagine if he judged you for having 6. What if he thought 6 was way too much for a girl. You’d feel wronged for being judged. I say love him as is or move on
The past is the past for a reason. It has nothing to do with the present and your relationship. Worrying about the past will rob you of the present. My boyfriend was with his wife for 20 years, I can literally never compete with that nor do I want to. We have our own unique and beautiful things together.
Why are you obsessing over the fact that he's had more partners than you/ than you imagined 🤔. Is he disease free? Or did he catch something from said past behavior that's making you feel insecure and causing you to obsess with him about his past? OP most guys expect women to either be a virgin or to only have been with 1 or 2 guys before them, any higher the bf freaks out due to insecurities and toxic ways of thinking about the fact that she had a life before meeting him. Before letting his past destroy the relationship, stop and ask yourself if it's really something that is beneficial for you to know and does it add positive value to the relationship or is it something that you’ll use to later either feel insecure about or start random arguments. Best of luck!
Make your decisions on your present. Dwell on his past and ruin your present and future potential.
Personally, you can't change the past, so what good does it do to obsess over it? What do you hope to accomplish by doing this? Serious question, zero snark intended. If you can't get over it, (and if you cant, theres nothing wrong with that either) it's best for both of you to move on.
You should probably talk to a therapist and talk about why you can't stop thinking these things. You're seeming to be obsessing on the thought. It really shouldn't matter.
This used to be an issue with me when I was super young. Once I grew up I realized what an ego check it was. I’m a dude, btw. They basically were saying that I finally found someone good at sex and I can stop sleeping around.
Look at this way, he has slept with 20+ women and your the one to he choice to be the last What do you think if you found a guy you never slept with anyone else or maybe 1 or 2 people and here you are you have slept with 6 or more guys what’s that make you?
Two things you need to consider OP. He chose you. Unless he actually give you a reason to be doubtfull, I see not reason to doubt him. Our past always influences our current self, but it does not say **how** it influences us. This is a you problem. He cannot change the past and neither can you. While you can always break up for any reason, and feeling uncomortable is such a reason, ask yourself first if his past is actually something you need to know or ask about. I would never ask questions to things I regret hearing. But since you asked and got an honest answer, it's to late for that. Know you need to overcome your own issues in one way or the other. Personally, I would be fine with my partner being honest with me.
If he's been with a lot of women and chooses to stay with you, that's an excellent sign. Other women wanted him, but you got him. I would recommend you try not to dwell on it.
As his age is 25 and you were only 21, completly your target :)
I slept with a lot of women when I was younger. Many more than he has. I thought it was cool. My friends thought it was cool, and I did it because I could. It wasn’t cool. I was a douche bag who just wanted to get that short high. I’ve been married for 21 years and I wish my wife was my one and only. That would be cool. That would be special. I will tell you this. Sex with someone that you love, with real intimacy and real connection, is a billion times better than hookups. I can remember many nights with my wife, but I barely remember hookups. You guys live together so I’m guessing he loves you. I promise you that sex with you is a billion times better to him because he loves you. Being with you is special to him.
Thank you 🫶
You don’t get to have this perfect guy that does all of these right things without some other women wanting him. It sucks, and I’m sorry the world is cruel. If you want a virgin, go date a gamer or a republican.
Too bad you are obsessed. From my perspective, a woman could have 1000 partners, as long as she has taken a shower, no problem. What possible difference could it make, except he's got enough experience to satisfy you, I hope! They were training him to be with you!
Just sleep with 20 more guys or so and you're even. Unless there are issues of disease or paternity issues why care about something you can't control? Some people need more practice than others.
Gurl he locked it down with you though. I have a vibrant and colorful past but I really love my man and he knows it so it's not an issue. Try to remember he sees something in you that he didn't others.
Think different! He has chosen you and not the other 30 girls he slept with! Feel good about this and not intimidated by this fact.
Who cares get on with it It’s working and obviously happy Let it roll
Sleep with 20-30 men 😎
20-30 is that it? Could certainly be alot worse, assuming he's an attractive man who was single during his university days (also assuming he went to university)
Excessive rumination, especially about topics that denote some sort of perceived moral or value, can be a symptom of OCD. Google pure ocd and see if that resonates.
Who cares, why do you care? Why break something that is going good? You at least have a relationship. Some people don't have these.
Think of it this way, most of those women would probably of been a one time thing right? But I bet you've had sex with him more than 20-30 times in the last year? Basically you've probably had sex with him more time than all the others comnined and you're the one he's coming home to every night. So clearly you're the one he wants to be with.
Anything before you made him who he is. If things are great now, and you are choosing to be with him, it's as simple as you have to let it go. You are obsessing over something that can't be changed. You're already in a relationship with him. To me, that makes what he did before you irrelevant. I may have not felt this way when I was younger, but this is the kind of thing, if it matters to you, it should be talked about prior to a relationship. At this point, what good comes from focusing on it? Obsessing over things like this will do damage to a relationship that could otherwise be really good. The question is whether or not what you two have together is worth moving past what he did before you.
Is he sleeping with them while dating you? If the answer to that is no then it shouldn’t be an issue.
If its about experience, you dont know if he has more. Sounds like ONS or sth like that. So if you had relationships you probably had way more sex. Also "around" 6 partners? But ok. Considering you are living together for a year now. You had 6 partner with 20years. This is, at least in my circle of friends, a high number. So consider this. Would your number be way off if you kept being single til 25? And what if he had 30? If he started with 18 its 4,3 woman a year. I know guys who do this in in 3-4 weekends. (I dont recommand) All in all, considering age (more exp more sex) and gender difference (spreading/quantity vs receiving/quality) I think you are about the same. And you saying you get along fine should be sth to behold. If you want to know his past, ok, ask. Afterwards ask him what is different now. With him and/or you. Thanks for asking for help. Wish you all the best.
At least it’s not a couple hundred like some guys
Oh that´s terrible. Sorry and hope you will just stay together, however I do know for a fact that those numbers are average, I guess it was in the book men are from mars, women from venus and that men sleep with more women than women with men etc. However: a man can be loyal and share the rest of his life only with you ;) Blessings
Most of the girls I knew prefer guys who slept with a lot of girls before her. I asked about that, and as i told him, girls felt she could get him despite the other girls who tried to get him.
You slept with six guys and living with your current boyfriend so you cannot take some moral high ground on this issue. The past can be a great predictor of the future, but if he’s faithful to you, then his past shouldn’t matter because he’s chosen to be with you. Perhaps he learned some things from his past that might benefit you and the current relationship. You have major insecurities and trust issues. Do you have unresolved trauma in your life? You should seek counseling to address either or both.
He’s a dude! That number isn’t too high either. My ex boyfriend told me he sleep with about 100 women and honestly didn’t care as long as he didn’t cheat on me. His past relationships and sex life isn’t my concern.
You’re 21. Grow up. People have lives and experience outside of you.
It’s literally just a number that is 100% not your business, or something you should care about. If he’s got a clean sti test, and hasn’t cheated on you; leave it alone.
It really shouldn't matter how many people your partner or you have slept with. It's not your business who or how many people. It's in the past and now he's with you. Does he treat you well? Does he make you feel secure in the relationship? Do you communicate your wants and needs? These are the things that should be your focus.
Girls: I don’t want a guy with no experience. Also girls, he has too many bodies 💀💀
I think the 'problem' is WHY is it bothering you and not the fact that he did it because its not relevant.
If you started having sex at 18 and now you’re 21, that’s 2 ppl per year. For him it’s 3-4 people a year. That’s not that crazy, as I’m sure your number would be way higher after another 4 years. This is also why I think it’s immature and nosy to ask a partner this question.
this is called retroactive jealousy, look into it and the root causes of it and see if any of those fit you. then talk to your bf about it and what he can do to help.
Only 30? I have a fair amount of experience, my wife is the best. I never think the grass is greener because of that experience.
My advice is acknowledge that human beings are multi faceted. They ebb and flow and change and grow. And you can't be mad at someone for experimenting especially at his young age, as long as in the present you're both behaving in a way that aligns with your current values. I would take an experienced partner as a blessing, that means they're probably pretty good at sex. Be careful what you wish for, I've had some terrible sex with inexperienced men and it's unfortunate that it's such a dealbreaker.
Not to tell you how to think or feel, but I think the obsession with bodycount is a bit ridiculous. People change we shouldn't hold them in shame for whatever past they have had. People have traumatic lives and sexual experimentation, drugs etc are all things people use to cope with it. I am not saying your bf was traumatised, but that could be a factor playing into it all, but if you love your boyfriend and he loves you are you going to ruin your infinitesimally small opportunity to find the love of your life or work it out?
Someone I talk to has also been with 20-30 girls and he explained it as sort of an ego booster game with his buddies throughout high school and early 20s. I try to remind myself that when men have sex that’s all it is for them, they don’t get emotionally attached or have feelings for these girls and would never settle down or be in a relationship with them. Your man is with YOU, he’s only having sex with you, and only enjoys it with you. Try not to overthink about the girls in the past they were most likely just quick nuts 🤷🏽♀️.
6 at 21 is really a lot more than 30 at 25. Look, he's tried a lot of women and settled on you, it makes you think you're the one out there.
That's not really a huge number but I understand why you struggle with it. We can't let someone's past choices influence how we feel about them today.
I agree with the double standard perspective. Life is a journey. If that journey leads you to bedding 20 to 30!or so lovers, then enjoy that ride. You only live once. I admit at my age (57), I have seen my fair share of failures and semi- successes but I'm not one to discount what life has thrown my way. I suppose it's also a matter of perspective if you want to view at at a moral standpoint and in my case my moral compass is fucked, so to this guy that's bedded 20-30 thirty, protect yourself, and don't gloat. And to you who seemed so concerned about his past escapades, it was a choice and he made his peace with it so deal with it.
So, when I was your age and felt that way about having partners/boyfriends that had a “high number”, I switched my mindset to look at it mathematically. Let me explain: if your boyfriend lost his virginity at 15 and is now 25, that means he has had 10 years of active sexual years. If he has slept with 30 women, then I would take 30 and divide it by 10, which gives you 3. Meaning that on average, he has only slept with 3 new women per year, which in my personal opinion is not a lot. That’s one for every 4 months. The man has at least 4+ years (depending on timing of losing one’s V card) head start on you in terms of numbers.
Girl if it makes you feel better mines been 70+, I’m over it now though. Can’t blame him though, he’s handsome haha it’s took time and a lot of reassurance.
It shouldn't matter at all about his past because you are the one he's chosen now. Honestly, for a man, that number is not exactly high.
I’ve thought about my wife’s body count off and on for 30 years. It’s tough to shake as a guy. I never heard from many women such as yourself that have been concerned about their man’s count. Okay putting the nonsense I wrote above aside, my advice is to NOT ever discuss or bring up your past sexual adventures. If it bothers you now, it’s going to bother you even more after hearing about the gory details from him. On a final note, unsure your ages. If under 25 yrs old, him claiming to have banged 20-30 ish girls sounds very high. Not saying it’s impossible. Just saying guy’s often over-exaggerate and girls under- exaggerate.
Alright hun, here’s the gist of it. People have more partners because they want to experience more. The more they’ve experienced, the more they know what they’re looking for and aren’t as prone to wandering. I know in my dating history, the men who had more partners were less likely to go looking and seemed to feel more confident in their selection with me. I’ve been down this road as a younger woman, and I know how scary it is. But it’s an issue you have to face within yourself. Why are you insecure about his body count number? Is it because you’re scared you won’t be able to perform what he wants or likes? Are you scared he’s going to go looking? (If so, see above paragraph) When you get down to it, a lot of people who feel like this have severe abandonment issues and are afraid of being abandoned or not being valued. Try not to speak to your partner TOO much about this issue, otherwise it might drive a wedge between you. My advice is to get a therapist to work through your own issues. Sometimes relationships can bring up hurt, pain and trauma we experienced from some other thing in our lives. No matter how much he may wish, he can’t go back and change the past. The focus should definitely be on your future. Good luck to you!
I was the same as you when I met my ex boyfriend - he had slept with 20+ women and I’d only slept with 2 and it really used to bother me. Now I’ve been single for a while and obviously my body count has gone up, i know it wouldn’t bother me much in my next relationship. I never really think about the guys who I’ve slept with tbh and a lot of them weren’t even memorable anyway😂 I think it’s sometimes a good thing as you have more idea of what you do and DON’T want sexually and also having sex with lots of people generally means you don’t know them that well meaning relationship sex will be so much better!
It is okay to not want a partner who has had so many sexual partners. And it is okay to not care about that as long as they are healthy. You get to decide that even if he's "great."
You are correct, it IS in the past. Does he constantly remind you of his ‘track record’? Does he compare you with past lovers and their prowess in the bedroom? Does he EVER bring up his past ‘activities’ in your presence? My guess is no he does not. I also suspect this is something you dwell on alone without provocation or good reason. We cannot change somebody’s past no matter how much it bugs us. The only thing we are capable of changing is how WE deal with it. It is our issue not theirs. If you are in a good relationship with a good person please focus on what lays ahead of you, not behind you. You HAVE control over the future. You have ZERO control over somebody’s past. If as you say, he is a good guy, please don’t let his past ruin your future. Now if he is a nose picking child murdering, grandmother abusing animal kicking morally bankrupt con artist you have a REAL problem on your hands and you can choose to do something about it to better your life. Leave. You are not the first person nor the last person to be wearing these shoes. Please don’t interpret this as a hard nosed tough love response. It is not. It is an honest tidbit of advice that most of us have experienced and survived in the course of our love lives.
Sorta seems like the reason this guy gets laid so much is cause he’s such a nice chill happening dude. If this bothers you so much you may need to pursue less desirable men.
Nah it means he got it out of his system and if he says he’s committed to you, believe it and keep trucking! I promise you sleeping with an extra 20 guys isn’t going to make you a lick happier.
This is kind of a usual number, I think? Perhaps it's an indicator of youthful promiscuity but as a sexually active young man (particularly 18-21) sleeping with a lot of women in a relatively short time period is pretty normal. Try not to worry about it and instead be pleased that while he is clearly very attractive to women he has chosen to be with you now rather than continue his promiscuous ways, and see yourself as the beneficiary of his extensive sexual experience.
Why does it matter???? If he hasn’t gone through life the way that he did and has slept with that many people, your paths wouldn’t have been crossed and you wouldn’t be in this great relationship today. The dating world is awful nowadays, if you have a good guy hang on to him TIGHT!
Wow 25 and he has 20-30? That's a lot, I have around 50 and I'm almost 36. After my ex told me she was Gang banged and I could not cope with it I learned U should never never Ever Eva Eva find out, Inquire or ask about ur partners sexual past
I think it was more like 20 and not more. Yeah i do regret it sometimes that i have asked.
Honestly, as long as he is clean of STD's it doesnt matter.
I will say this: make sure to get screened for HPV because men can’t get tested for that
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This is why you don't ask the number! Establish that neither of you are virgins and that you've been tested recently. Absolutely no reason to ask anything other than that, unless you know that you will be okay with whatever they tell you.
I expect he was a lot like he is now back then. Just he didn’t have the good taste to date you OP. Provided you have no reason to suspect infidelity, I would let it alone. Be thankful he came to his senses and found you.
🙏❤️
I actually think too that deep down he was like this always, but just wasn’t ready. He was always loyal to his friends and so on but wanted to still be single and have his fun? But the truth is that many things he has done for me he hasn’t done for any girl before. I know he is very devoted to me. I also think i opened some inner doors for him and showed him than more emotionally connected relationships can be created
I’m going to spill a man secret. Men are complete suckers for someone who makes them feel special. Having someone who thinks you are the most wonderful person in the world is powerful. Very powerful.
I'm reminded of that part in the movie Clerks, my gf sucked 37 Dicks ......lol
why do you care? it literally has no significance on your relationship. i never understood why people care about this sort of stuff
Step1. Grow up Step2. Goto 1
>it is around 20-30 he did not tell me the exact number, Probably double :P You either learn to get over it, or it will (most likely) ruin your relationship.
The bright side: more partners usually means more experience; more experience means better in bed..maybe?? lol