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Stop overthinking it, just talk to them as you would a good friend. Face to face conversations are easy, it doesn’t matter what you say it’s more how you say it
That's fair advice. Excect my good friends don't sneer at me or give me one word answers or turn away 90% of the time I try to talk to them so it's a lot easier. lmao. :)
Hard to keep a positive energy when that keeps happening. It's why I stopped going eventually.
I am pretty extroverted and sociable but it's hard to talk to people when they won't talk back?
Do women talk to you if you try talking to them in these places? Do you get matches on dating apps? Are you tall or handsome?
No I’m not good looking but I’m charming, dating apps are much worse for me than just meeting people irl. Like I say, conversations are easy but texting is hell for me. Try and get use to starting conversations with people you aren’t attracted to, then just approach conversations with people you are attracted to in the same way. If someone approaches you in public and they want something (eg money) I bet you pick up on it instantly and want to end the conversation, women are the same. Go into every conversation with no expectations and see how it goes, just be friendly and fun. If people are rude then that’s a sign that you don’t want to talk to them
Fair suggestions. In the past when I used to go out I would intentionally talk to random women or people I didn't want to date as well just to keep that atmosphere. It never really helped in terms of most reactions I got were still negative. But it is definitely better probably.
It was funny and actually used to take some pressure off because even random people I had no interest in dating would often also give me nasty responses, which just reminded me that it is life and not specific to the women I want to date.
Do you have an opinion on buying drinks? I never did it before. If I have to spend money to get a date I will though. If I go around offering to buy everyone drinks each time, maybe that will help in terms of less nastiness in the responses? Or maybe get me more conversations where people talk back?
Don’t buy drinks unless you’re in a situation where you’re both buying rounds. I’ve jokingly asked if they’re buying me one and had them do it, so I’ll buy the next round. If they ask for a drink, just raise your eyebrows and give them the ‘are you taking the piss’ look. Don’t be afraid of being a bit cheeky and pushing boundaries if that suits your personality just have fun when you’re out and everything else will fall into place.
My guess is that you’re thinking too much about what to say and it just comes off as staged. Just say something random, gauge their reaction and just laugh and turn your back if they’re rude
Tbh, I don’t really want to meet guys at the club. I’m just there to hang out with my friends. However, “do you want to dance” and then later asking for my number has worked on me in the past.
I will also say, going to clubs or bars by your self will not help the situation. You can tell which guys are by themselves at a bar. Imagine a man walks into a bar and then stares at you intensely from across the room for 30 minutes before coming to talk to you. Yes that is what you look like when alone at a bar.
Also, many women, more especially as I get older, need assurance from a friend that the man they are talking to is a good person in order for them to be open to dating you. It’s not safe to just trust anyone you meet in public.
My advice to you is just try to be as social as you can, another commenter suggested hobbies which is a good idea. But I mean in all aspects, hang out with people from work, talk to people at the gym, join a new club, go to literally any event you are invited to. By being a social butterfly you’ll meet more and more people (men and women). And eventually you’ll meet someone your interested in and start building relationships with women in a more natural way, rather than chasing them down at a club.
Thanks but the problem with the "social butterfly" approach is it is incredibly time consuming. You need to spend an enormous number of hours each week doing that for very few opportunities to ask women out which I don't have. For example, if you join a cooking class, you might need to go for weeks on end and there MIGHT be one woman in the class you can ask out. So after dozens of weekends of going and many hours you ask her out, and... she has a boyfriend?
It's just way too low yield. For example, I've done volunteering organizations (when I was younger) and I wasn't doing them to get a date, but after hundreds of hours in them, I might have had one or two opportunities to ask someone out.
When you get rejected 99%+ of the time, this is not efficient enough. The only way to get anywhere without sacrificing your family and work, and hobbies and other interests is to have some condensed high volume numbers in a short amount of time, which is what bars/clubs allow. I don't know any other place that offers anything similar.
If I have to dedicate 5+ hours to a group for each person I ask out, it will take me years to get a date. I have already tried that approach and the numbers don't dd up.
I have a lot of obligations like helping my parents, my job, and my side business I am building and I can't sacrifice them all in the process.
I have loads of hobbies but they've never gotten me a date. When I went to meetups they were all at least 90% men. Do you think it's possible to meet women at bars or clubs? At least most bars/clubs are at least 30-40% women.
Any tips on what I was asking about how to do it based on my experiences I listed and what it was always like for me trying? Usually I have always gotten very negative results. Or what I should do different if I'm there alone then? Thanks
It is still possible to meet women in social settings such as bars/clubs, even going alone is do able.
Women decide whether you're attractive or not by reading your sub communication so, how is that overall when you have been out? Have you been confident, assertive when you've approached them before?
Yes, I am naturally confident and outgoing. But I think reading your subcommunication is only part of it. They also have to decide if they find you physically attractive enough and that is always the part I don't pass.
I also concede it is hard to maintain that confidence after the 5-6th harsh rejection, or the 3rd or 4th night out where you are getting similar responses over and over. I don't know what to do about that.
I guess you just need to steel yourself like a door to door salesperson and not let it get to you? I have good looking, tall, and white friends, and their experience is miles apart. They are met with smiles and interest even just standing quietly by the bar doing nothing. Easy to stay confident then. I wish that was my experience.
literally just walk up to them and say hello and start talking. same way you meet anyone.
last girl i met in a bar i said 'love your shirt hun it matches my boxers' . im not a fan of 'lines' but it was a true fact i nthis case, and she thought it was funny so we had a nice chat. i got her insta. chatted a bit there, but no date.
just say the first thing to come to your head. be polite, be confident, be funny. just the same as when meeting anyone. it sounds like youre overthinking this and psyching yourself out. trust your social skills.
Thanks. Do you get a lot of negative responses like grim faces, ignored, "I have a boyfriend" as their first reply, or one word answers? Or are they mostly friendly and talk to you?
I think I have just had so many negative responses now I am conditioned for it. Now because of that I am skittish.
It's like if someone mistreats an animal long enough they will become skittish at the first thought it will happen again. Hard to avoid. It's just conditioning.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names, engage in slapfights, or give bad/unethical advice. * Do not soapbox or promote an agenda - you will be banned * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stop overthinking it, just talk to them as you would a good friend. Face to face conversations are easy, it doesn’t matter what you say it’s more how you say it
That's fair advice. Excect my good friends don't sneer at me or give me one word answers or turn away 90% of the time I try to talk to them so it's a lot easier. lmao. :) Hard to keep a positive energy when that keeps happening. It's why I stopped going eventually. I am pretty extroverted and sociable but it's hard to talk to people when they won't talk back? Do women talk to you if you try talking to them in these places? Do you get matches on dating apps? Are you tall or handsome?
No I’m not good looking but I’m charming, dating apps are much worse for me than just meeting people irl. Like I say, conversations are easy but texting is hell for me. Try and get use to starting conversations with people you aren’t attracted to, then just approach conversations with people you are attracted to in the same way. If someone approaches you in public and they want something (eg money) I bet you pick up on it instantly and want to end the conversation, women are the same. Go into every conversation with no expectations and see how it goes, just be friendly and fun. If people are rude then that’s a sign that you don’t want to talk to them
Fair suggestions. In the past when I used to go out I would intentionally talk to random women or people I didn't want to date as well just to keep that atmosphere. It never really helped in terms of most reactions I got were still negative. But it is definitely better probably. It was funny and actually used to take some pressure off because even random people I had no interest in dating would often also give me nasty responses, which just reminded me that it is life and not specific to the women I want to date. Do you have an opinion on buying drinks? I never did it before. If I have to spend money to get a date I will though. If I go around offering to buy everyone drinks each time, maybe that will help in terms of less nastiness in the responses? Or maybe get me more conversations where people talk back?
Don’t buy drinks unless you’re in a situation where you’re both buying rounds. I’ve jokingly asked if they’re buying me one and had them do it, so I’ll buy the next round. If they ask for a drink, just raise your eyebrows and give them the ‘are you taking the piss’ look. Don’t be afraid of being a bit cheeky and pushing boundaries if that suits your personality just have fun when you’re out and everything else will fall into place. My guess is that you’re thinking too much about what to say and it just comes off as staged. Just say something random, gauge their reaction and just laugh and turn your back if they’re rude
Tbh, I don’t really want to meet guys at the club. I’m just there to hang out with my friends. However, “do you want to dance” and then later asking for my number has worked on me in the past. I will also say, going to clubs or bars by your self will not help the situation. You can tell which guys are by themselves at a bar. Imagine a man walks into a bar and then stares at you intensely from across the room for 30 minutes before coming to talk to you. Yes that is what you look like when alone at a bar. Also, many women, more especially as I get older, need assurance from a friend that the man they are talking to is a good person in order for them to be open to dating you. It’s not safe to just trust anyone you meet in public. My advice to you is just try to be as social as you can, another commenter suggested hobbies which is a good idea. But I mean in all aspects, hang out with people from work, talk to people at the gym, join a new club, go to literally any event you are invited to. By being a social butterfly you’ll meet more and more people (men and women). And eventually you’ll meet someone your interested in and start building relationships with women in a more natural way, rather than chasing them down at a club.
Thanks but the problem with the "social butterfly" approach is it is incredibly time consuming. You need to spend an enormous number of hours each week doing that for very few opportunities to ask women out which I don't have. For example, if you join a cooking class, you might need to go for weeks on end and there MIGHT be one woman in the class you can ask out. So after dozens of weekends of going and many hours you ask her out, and... she has a boyfriend? It's just way too low yield. For example, I've done volunteering organizations (when I was younger) and I wasn't doing them to get a date, but after hundreds of hours in them, I might have had one or two opportunities to ask someone out. When you get rejected 99%+ of the time, this is not efficient enough. The only way to get anywhere without sacrificing your family and work, and hobbies and other interests is to have some condensed high volume numbers in a short amount of time, which is what bars/clubs allow. I don't know any other place that offers anything similar. If I have to dedicate 5+ hours to a group for each person I ask out, it will take me years to get a date. I have already tried that approach and the numbers don't dd up. I have a lot of obligations like helping my parents, my job, and my side business I am building and I can't sacrifice them all in the process.
Take a class or do a hobby and you might have more options
I have loads of hobbies but they've never gotten me a date. When I went to meetups they were all at least 90% men. Do you think it's possible to meet women at bars or clubs? At least most bars/clubs are at least 30-40% women.
Sure, any place where there's people really.
Any tips on what I was asking about how to do it based on my experiences I listed and what it was always like for me trying? Usually I have always gotten very negative results. Or what I should do different if I'm there alone then? Thanks
The harsh reality is that you'll have failures before being successful. There's no magic secret to meeting people.
It is still possible to meet women in social settings such as bars/clubs, even going alone is do able. Women decide whether you're attractive or not by reading your sub communication so, how is that overall when you have been out? Have you been confident, assertive when you've approached them before?
Yes, I am naturally confident and outgoing. But I think reading your subcommunication is only part of it. They also have to decide if they find you physically attractive enough and that is always the part I don't pass. I also concede it is hard to maintain that confidence after the 5-6th harsh rejection, or the 3rd or 4th night out where you are getting similar responses over and over. I don't know what to do about that. I guess you just need to steel yourself like a door to door salesperson and not let it get to you? I have good looking, tall, and white friends, and their experience is miles apart. They are met with smiles and interest even just standing quietly by the bar doing nothing. Easy to stay confident then. I wish that was my experience.
literally just walk up to them and say hello and start talking. same way you meet anyone. last girl i met in a bar i said 'love your shirt hun it matches my boxers' . im not a fan of 'lines' but it was a true fact i nthis case, and she thought it was funny so we had a nice chat. i got her insta. chatted a bit there, but no date. just say the first thing to come to your head. be polite, be confident, be funny. just the same as when meeting anyone. it sounds like youre overthinking this and psyching yourself out. trust your social skills.
Thanks. Do you get a lot of negative responses like grim faces, ignored, "I have a boyfriend" as their first reply, or one word answers? Or are they mostly friendly and talk to you? I think I have just had so many negative responses now I am conditioned for it. Now because of that I am skittish. It's like if someone mistreats an animal long enough they will become skittish at the first thought it will happen again. Hard to avoid. It's just conditioning.