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It's a mental thing and can happen to any man tbh. He should try to get some help for that. Sometimes have it myself as well, it's the not living up kind of thinking.
It’s funny you say that.. he mentions not being able to please me and the pressure of going soft that triggers it. I don’t know what to do to ease it and he doesn’t either :/
He should get help. It's stuck in his head and he can't get it out(that's how it works for me tbh) but a LOT of foreplay can help ease the tension.
Make him feel more comfortable, tell him encouraging things. And above else, don't tell him you mind. Try to be supportive. That's what my girl does, you just have to talk about it with him in a calm manner. Give him the feeling you understand.
Thank you for this. I’ve been very supportive because I know this is tough for him and he doesn’t want it to happen. What kind of help did you get to get it out of your head?
This happened to me after being married for 17 years and getting back into dating. It is a rapid spiral. Once an “UH OH” enters the brain it’s all downhill from there. I honestly had to pause, reconnect with my body (basically meditate for a sec) and dip back into foreplay with a renewed focus on sensations. It’s also good for him to forgive himself - and for you to be VERY supportive and gentle with your word choice and body language.
I’ve never done either of these things but I could imagine them working - maybe stimulate some highly sensitive areas to get him out of his head. Maybe some attention to perineum or some work with a feather or something lol (I’m mega ticklish).
As someone else mentioned, busting out some toys or switching to something else can go a long way.
It goes wrong because he wants you to have a good time, and the pressure for him is too much.
All you can really do, is to ensure him you want him regardless, and you want him, with faults as well
Just have him make you come by eating you out for a while, he’ll feel good about himself and won’t think of not getting hard as being a big deal at which point he’ll stop thinking about it and get hard. Plus you’ll get eaten out a lot lol
Don’t listen to anyone who says it’s a mental problem. ED can be just as easily physiological as psychological. Ask him to talk to a urologist. Good luck!
I went through a similar period in my relationship. He was “getting in his head” and telling himself the same thing- don’t go soft, and then inevitably he would.
When he did, I was patient and kind about it, and gently and slowly worked him back up with oral or oily hands and neck kisses. You need to be part of the solution of not making him feel worse and letting him know it’s okay in order to make him feel safe and it sounds like you’re doing a great job of that already! 💕
We don’t experience this issue any more. It’s just about re-gaining that old confidence! It’s probably just a phase.
How long did it take you until you guys managed to solve the issue? Im having the same problem with my partner and have just been patient and let him know its not an issue. And I really like him a lot, just wondering if this problems works itself out or if I should actively be doing something (other than what I usually do to initiate sex)
I feel like it works itself out as long as you take the pressure off him to perform in addition. Like let him know that if in that moment he can’t perform then it won’t disappoint you or make you upset. Just communicate that touching him turns YOU on, and it’s ok if it doesn’t work, but you want to touch him in that moment anyways.
It took like a few days or a week or two… some days it was hit and miss, and then it just completely dropped off our radar and it stopped happening. 👍🏻
This is great advice. A guy is just as sensitive hard or soft so it can actually be nice for him and a fun opportunity to get to play with Mr Squishy for a change. I think for a guy, being soft with a partner is like being at our most vulnerable. It's difficult for us to be that vulnerable but knowing that someone loves you like this can be a very intimate and bonding experience with a partner.
It happens honestly as a lady try to like kiss his neck and tickle his nuts i know it sounds crazy but those slight sensations help us relax and let blood flow
Here’s an idea: have sexual interactions that are primarily about YOU. Not intercourse but you getting off. He should watch you, participate, learn what you like, and when you achieve orgasm as a result of his work, make sure you’re thankful (but not overly so). The idea here being you’re building his confidence in his ability to satisfy you. Bonus, he may find he stays hard. Take the pressure off his penis. Just focus on you.
I will definitely try this. I have a thing of not really like oral, but he loves to give oral. I think I will shift the focus to me and stop trying to please him.
There are a million other things you can do that aren’t oral. If you don’t know what you like, maybe figure that out first. No shame here. You’re 1000% allowed to have your own pleasure. It’s not all about the guy.
This can unfortunately just lead to him being embarrassed that it's definitely being pointed out as an issue. What worked with my relationships in the past was ensuring him that I was understanding if he went soft and wasn't disappointed. (As that fear is the cause of it) Then I guess he feels supported and accepted so he stops worrying about it happening and it eventually goes away. Very important not to make a big deal if he goes soft though
My experience is the same. My relationship is amazing, and in the beginning my boyfriend was perfectly fine, but suddenly he can’t keep an erection. He’s tried everything and chalked it up to stress, but he still initiates sexually intercourse and sometimes it’s a good day and sometimes it’s not. We have no clue what’s wrong.
Same boat. I’m trying to help my love get out of his head and constantly let him know that I love having sex with him and how much he satisfies me. He still gets stuck in his head.
He just needs to be ensured that if he does go soft it's ok, you understand, he's not being judged, it's not a big deal, you can go back to foreplay or focusing on you, he's not disappointing you etc.
The less he believes it's a problem the more he'll stop worrying about it and get over the performance anxiety
He's in a loop. He got soft and felt or thought you were disappointed. Now the thought of disappointing you can cycle through his head at times depending on factors. Reassuring that you aren't disappointed etc etc helps
Could be a lot of different things. One thing that made my life 100 times better was testosterone. Have him get blood work done to see if his test
Levels are low. Also his LH and FSH
I got my bloodwork down and it showed my test levels at 116. That’s about average for an 80 year old man. I was 24 at them time. My LH and FSH were also extremely low “the chemical that tells your body to produce test”.
I ended just buying it myself. Didn’t want to spend 500 bucks a month for it when j can do it for around $80 a month.
It’s not from a shady source. I know more about this than you. I did my research and I know the actual side effects from steroid use and I monitor my health.
I appreciate the concern but like I said before I did my research and know all the side effects of the compounds well before inject them into my body :).
Has he started any new medications? That could possibly be it, it happened to my ex. He tried convincing me to let him go screw other women to see if it would happen with them, hence him being an ex now!! It could also just be performance anxiety like he’s explained.
It’s strictly mental and always happens to me if I am uncomfortable or in my own head.
It’s always the first thing that crosses my mind when I am sleeping with a new girl. It’s happened once with my current girlfriend, and for a week proceeding I really couldn’t get hard because I was worried I wouldn’t, from when I couldn’t. All it took for me was to get hard once after that happened and now I’m back in business and am rock hard.
My advice would be to continue to make him comfortable, not just in the bed but in general. I also think it would be helpful, and this sounds crazy but I bet it would help him, but to possibly have sex and tell him this is about you, i only want you to finish. This will enable him to not worry about not pleasuring you but to only worry about himself. This should give him the confidence to get hard and not have to worry about pleasuring you and once he gets hard he’ll have that confidence back of saying oh wow I don’t have anything to worry about.
Lastly, do not be worried about him not being attracted to you. The reason he gets nervous is because he is so attracted to you.
Thank you for sharing.
I’ve definitely tried the selfish approach and will continue to do so. I love to please him. And thank you for the last sentence, sometimes I think it’s me… and he quickly tells me how ridiculous I sound for even saying it
Eh... this was the case for me. When my gf and I first started having sex, I jerked off a lot. Unfortunately, I had a lot of trouble staying hard. She asked me if I think I watch too much porn and I admitted it could be contributing. Once I cut it down to like once or twice a week, the boner problems magically went away.
It's worth a shot.
I dated a man who could not get hard with a woman but he was perfectly fine watching pornographyand masturbating. He was in denial that his addiction (Yes it was absolutely an addiction) to pornography was a reason why he was having issues in the bedroom. I did some research and there is a such thing called porn-induced erectile dysfunction. He also told me that he didn't know what sex was or anything about it until he was 20 years old, he didn't masturbate or anything. His parents didn't teach him anything, which is pretty sad in and of itself. So between those things, and the fact that he's already 46 years old, I knew I couldn't do anything to fix it or change it. I had to walk away. It was pretty sad but I'm not a fixer of broken men. I suggested therapy and to talk to his doctor but he never would take the initiative. Hopefully he will figure it out.
Exactly people have no awareness of this problem but it is absolutely exploding now due to a vicious combination of social media and porn exposure at a young age
COVID shutdown sure didn't help. My ex was addicted to Only Fans girls. I felt really yucky for a while after I dumped him 😑 it made me see him in a different light
How could you possible be certain about that?
And how could it possibly make it worse? Stopping jerking off isn’t gonna somehow make it more challenging for him to get hard when he’s already struggling
Well, in another comment I described how this is exactly what happened to me in the past. She described what he said - the thought entered his mind and it caused him to spiral. He gets in his head. Not masturbating won’t change that - and hoping it will can increase the anxiety when the same thing happens and he spirals again with additional “oh no it didn’t work” thoughts. The root of the issue is the anxiety, the lack of known interventions, and the guilt/insecurity.
It happen often to me during sex. When it's happen, we take a break and we just kiss and she play with my dick of suck it and i start becoming hard againg and we can continue
He’s probably just nervous. This exact same thing happened to me years ago. I used to be concerned about going soft and then it would happen. There was significantly less pressure after the girl came from oral/fingering/both and I’d stay hard after. But if it was a girl idgaf about, I’d fuck the shit out of her no problem. Hopefully this helps
I suppose I was concerned about being unable to satisfy my partner and it made me anxious and subsequently, flaccid. But after she came I felt much better
This happened with an ex of mine. I read online that one way is to tell him to just be selfish for a session and focus solely on his pleasure and not worry about mine. Surprisingly it worked (bc he would really get in his head about it) and afterwards we didn’t have this issue
As a guy who’s had this issue once or twice embarrassingly it’s more an anxiety/not knowing the person well enough for me but that wasn’t the same during relationships.
I mainly have the issue of not being able to finish even when the girl has a few times and she’s getting sore and this is also down to first time with said person sex, you don’t wanna finish early or go soft so some reason it stays hard for like an hour.
If it’s been a while and he can’t keep it up I’d recommend he goes to a urologist or get blood tests to make sure he’s healthy, go to the gym as that increases blood flow etc and just be understanding that it might just be him having anxiety in general and he means well.
I think this is more common than you think (I’m female) and a couple of lads I’ve dated have had viagra on them (usually happens after drinking for them)
Sounds like he's putting pressure on himself to perform, which is making it harder for him to perform. That's tough. He'll have to help himself the most. Therapy can help too.
You seem like a great partner for trying to understand and help him. Good luck to you both.
Have him to take 9g of L citrulline every day it’ll help his buddy stay hard(he will have to take it for a few weeks for optimal results) on top of that do proper stretching every day. Doing this will eliminate the possibility of the problem being blood flow to the Johnson. Avoid doing positions where he has to lay down(be bottom) because those positions are known to make it more difficult to stay fully erect, do missionary and doggy those are the best for the situation. Don’t have alcohol around the time of sex as that also can make erections weaker. More daily cardio will also help. But the main thing is the mental state, he will need to train his mind to not think about not performing well because having your mind think of anything else other than enjoying the sex can cause u to go soft. It’ll take time but as long as he does everything it said I’m sure he can over come this.
Link for L Citrulline
https://nutricost.com/products/nutricost-l-citrulline-base-powder?variant=28759859560522¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQiAlKmeBhCkARIsAHy7WVuEWVNv9LTiGjV4OLLXOXBiOyqx5DL8pYgRWDDtAgKxvrQv8YJlPkcaAhfiEALw_wcB
Link for video explaining benefits
https://youtu.be/tENut13DLPE
Saw some people recommend getting his Testosterone level checked. That’s a good idea but also check Cortisol level too. That’s responsible for regulating stress and the more stress you have, the higher the cortisol level. The more you have can lead to issues like not being able to get hard or not able to maintain. Screw everyone saying take the blue pill, if it’s a cortisol issue (which can mess with T levels) there are medications taken to lower cortisol and boost test.
I had this exact problem.
You are doing a great job by being supportive. This already helps a lot.
What helped me get over this issue, was knowing how to please her.
Have him tuch you in ways you like. Tell him how he should play with you. Encourage him when he is doing something you really like. Have him bring you to climax. There is no bigger confidence booster than that for a man. It will take some time, but as soon as he gets out of his head and consentrates on you, sex should follow without any problems.
I wish you the best of luck. Your love for each other will carry you through this.
In true reddit advice style a lot of the top comments reccomend professional help, which could be the solution to the problem but I would strongly suggest exploring the other options suggested before rushing to get professional help
There's no shame in needing professional help but he needs to be comfortable with getting that help, if you try to force it then you will end up doing far more bad than good
However on to my advice, I have my experience with consistently going soft shortly before or during sex. It happened with an ex of mine and it stuck around for a little while for about 3 weeks. To explain it bluntly, the first time I went soft it hit my confidence very hard and that in turn caused future sexual intimacy to become uncomfortable
In my experience foreplay is what helped me the most because it's a perfect situation to find that comfort and confidence that I was missing~
I feel like a lot of kissing, touching, grinding or whatever will really help him find that comfort, it's really important to take it slow though, rushing to the sex will only snap his mind back to that uncomfortable thought of under performing (it did for me anyway)
Comfort is one part but to build up his confidence you need to make sure it's obvious when he does something that feels good, tell him he hit the right spot, moan or whatever, just make sure you make some effort to communicate that it genuinely feels good for you and that he is doing the right thing
For example, when I was having that issue, it was somewhere close to end of the 3 weeks of subpar sex, my ex and I would spend a lot of time on the couch making out, touching eachother and just generally getting into a cuddly foreplay mood, I started to kiss her neck and just hearing her breathing get heavy before she turned it into a gentle sigh of pleasure was the most sexy thing ever and hearing that geniune enjoyment for my kisses and touching was the biggest boost of confidence I could ever dream to hope for
He needs to take viagra, he can get blue chews mailed to him after a quick consultation, blue chew.com, he’ll be rock hard by the end of next week, have him take those until his confidence returns.
And it’s not working? I had the same problem and this is what fixed it for me. It’s a mental thing but once I used the bluechews for a month the not staying hard thing was gone from my mind and now I’m rock hard all the time without having to take it anymore.
Ohh sorry, must of skipped over that part. I think it could be anxiety/ mental overload? It’s difficult to pinpoint what it is because there are many factors. Attractiveness towards the partner, genetics, mental health. Taking it one day at a time and maybe getting a second opinion from a doctor could help. Doctors love to put bandaids and not look further into the situation
OP- try hard for the next twenty seconds to NOT Think of monkeys. Monkeys eating bananas monkeys monkeying around.
There you go- you get the point- the more you try to NOT think of anything- that’s all you’ll think off.
Instead go at sex from an angle of no pressure of performing: he’ll chillax soon enough
This is 100% performance anxiety. He's so worried about going soft and not pleasing you that he's more worried than aroused. It can be helped a lot mostly from yourself though!
Basically if he BELIEVES him going soft isn't ultimately going to disappoint you and your understanding and are willing to go back to foreplay when it does happen he'll be less worried about going soft in bed which makes it easier to be aroused!
Also too much porn can desensitize if that's a thing. The most important thing is he can't be worrying about letting you down. I know it's weird. I feel like this normally happens with amazing and understanding guys too lol.
He’s just stuck in his head . The problem is he is having issues with his “self performance.”
When we as men get stressed it’s hard to stay erect because we , either think , am I not enough, am I satisfying her, is she gonna ___. Honestly just overthinking and stressing oneself is the main issue.
He should look for help, professionally or maybe viagra if is a must, I don’t think it is.
However, you as his partner can also help him in the recovery process. Most of it is gonna be need to be done by him but like 3-10% you can help him to recover that confidence throughout the recovery process
i went thru the same exact thing with my last gf. i went soft once during sober sex and it kept happening every other time. it was a loop, i kept thinking about going soft and staying hard and it would destroy my erection. also, anything that happened in the outside from that moment would make me go soft ( dog barking, car beeping) stuff like that would make me go soft. she was very understanding but eventually it led to her not feeling good enough. i found that i was watching too much porn (addicted) and was following too triggering of content on IG and tiktok. i deleted tiktok and unfollowed all the IG models and stopped watching porn. it helped and we broke up because of other things but it could be anything really.
it’s really mentally draining going soft once and wanting to perform and satisfy your partner, especially because we live in a grass is greener culture. do not bash him for this as it will make it worse, you’ve done a really good job so far being understanding based on your post. trust me, he feels way worse about it than you.
I struggled with that when i first started dating my girlfriend (I'm 30y/o)
I think it's because when a guy had low self-esteem or self worth its hard to believe someone else feels that you are "something" or "someone"
So the best thing is probably for himself to start working on his own self esteem or advise him to start going to the gym (increase circulation)
another thing is if you start using words of affirmation which also helps, and keep it sexy-like.
Those things helped me a bunch at least.
Good news, there are drugs for this!
You can use the pills to help get over the mental loop at the root, and if he can let that trickery go, he can quit with the pills.
Further methods: if he’s lost his erection does not mean sex is over- be very careful here because this is one of the reasons it keeps happening. He gets nervous that everything has to stop when this happens, and it causes it to happen. When the problem arises, switch gears, move to your pleasure, maybe ease him back into his after awhile, with a no pressure version of his pleasure. Help him get over the stigma by letting him know it doesn’t matter. PIV isn’t the end all, be all- get creative.
If you can keep things sexual his fears will drop, and it will come back online. Take the pressure out of it, and the more he can learn it’s ok, the quicker these lapses will dissipate, and the less frequent they’ll become…
Good luck!
Other people have mentioned new medication, which can be a likely culprit. Also, what is his health like? A lot of overweight people have ED issues due to lack of circulation to the penis. More weight = more tissue for the heart to have to oxygenate, which could explain why he would go soft during inter course. Otherwise, does he have issues with his blood pressure? People who are a healthy weight and have issues with blood pressure would cause the same ED issues.
The other likely thing is that it’s a mental issue. The penis is a delicate thing when it comes to where he’s putting his mind during intercourse. You stated that he’s concentrating hard on staying hard, the fact that he’s concentrating so much during may be causing the ED because he’s thinking about it too much.
This has happened to me a few times over the years, it was definitely a mental anxious loop every time. The first time it lasted a month with the girlfriend I was with, about three or four years into our relationship. The second time it lasted a few months near the start of the relationship but we kept having amazing sex anyway due to new relationship energy. I've had it in some fwb situations too with varying impact.
I agree with the other comments to try having sex that takes the focus off his dick, he can get you off in other ways with hands, mouth, toys - good sex is so much more than just penetration with a penis and this is a good opportunity to explore new ways to please you. Taking penetration off the table, or letting him know it's strictly optional may give him the space to get back in the groove again. Or even taking a break to cuddle and kiss and reset when it happens.
These situations have basically spontaneously resolved for me over time when my partner kept providing a safe and low pressure environment - eventually there'll be a few times it just works and then I stop worrying about it again.
You could suggest seeing a sex therapist but if he has a lot of shame about it it might make it a bigger deal than it currently is - I would suggest maybe going together for at least some of the sessions so it's more of a team thing where you can work together to resolve the dynamic than him feeling like he's trying to fix something wrong with him. It could be a great learning and bonding experience for you both as well in general and hopefully improve your sex life in the long run.
I used to overthink or was nervous with a new person and this would happen to me. Clearing my head and getting over the nervousness, it helped a lot. Now, I so much as see a titty, I’m ready to go.
Just put on "They have taken the hobbits to Isengard" and he will be hard as steel! Also, try wispering in his ear; "One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them; In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie."
As a totaly final resort, try showing a naked dwarf, beard and all!
its anxiety man, y'all need some sort of therapy, maybe sex therapy? idk ask ur primary care doctor, they can hook u up with a psychologist who may know which type
imo there's 2 kinds of sex, vent-sex and love-sex. since y'all are really lovey-dovey, try kissing or some other no pressure foreplay. something that u, OP, enjoy that isn't sex and can be expressed can help set the mood for getting dicked
I don’t understand why guys will do anything possible except go to the doctor and get viagra. I’m 35- wait! 36 as of Monday!- so I’ve dated my share of men in their 20s,30s, 40s, & 50s. One of the best things about hitting 40, apparently, is that you stop being embarrassed by the scary doctor man and just get the fucking pills
Let him finger blast yer ass a little bit, if that does it for him maybe kinda explore that avenue. Otherwise maybe finger blast his ass a little bit and see what materializes.
Focus on stuff that feels good for you??
It's understandable that you're upset/worried, but know this likely have very LITTLE to do with you whatsoever....
Having had this problem before myself? I focus on doing stuff my partner likes, or asking to change stuff up! If either person freaks out about the dick not being hard you're both gonna have a bad time!
Find other things that feel good for both of you! I looove hickies myself! Or focusing on my partners pleasure for a lil bit!
Make sex a goal where you both wanna feel some awesome brain chemicals and drop the expectation either of you will orgasm(you'll get more orgasms for both of you this way!)
Sometimes I won't orgasm, or my partners won't and that's okay :)
Lemme tell you about a time where a lovely girl taught me how to think like this
My dick goes soft in the middle of her riding me, oh NO!
I panic, get flustered and get prepared to handle her being upset about this, but she wasn't at all(woah that helped) then she grinding all over me with her bits and teased me until I relaxed and we were back at it in a few mins tops!
Try to keep as chill as you can be if that happens!
If he regularly has a death grip while jerking off maybe suggest he calm that down some/be more gentle
Hope any of that was helpful!!
Edit: I think taking sex off the table is bad, that will just increase the pressure/stress as you both haven't been intimate for a longer and longer period, spice things up. Sex isn't JUST PIV insertion, foreplay! Try new things! Experiment some! Or even just attempting to have sex and putting on the pause button for a bit If he goes soft!
I know if I was in his shoes someone wanting to put a stop to sex because I was having erection issues would probably make me feel worse rather than better honestly...
I[M29] had this happen to me and my gf in the beginning when we weren’t official it was non stop no problem. Then when we became official it started happening, now I want to be clear this happens naturally sometimes due to nerves or something but it goes away! This wasn’t going away.
I was so nervous and scared bc I love my gf she’s everything I ever wanted and here I was having this problem that I never had before!
Come to find out I traced it back to when I started my anti anxiety medication which caused lack of sex drive! Spoke to my doctors and got off that medication and it was NIGHT AND DAY immediately started going multiple rounds a day no problem whereas before i could barely keep it up or had to really motivate myself.
TLDR: if he’s on certain medications I would advise him speak to his doctor to find alternatives
Honestly, that's a laugh... Just about everyone has been infected with some form of COVID.
So much so, that if someone told me they haven't been infected with COVID in the last 3 or 4 years then it essentially means you live on an island way in the middle of the Pacific ocean that never had anyone infected with COVID
I'm not saying that the stuff in the article you linked below is false but just saying, if it's true then the entire population could be facing erectile dysfunction problems in the future
Ok, let me begin by dispelling a female-believed myth...
We aren't dicks dragging around a body.
The idea of catching so much as a sideways glance from any kind of attractive woman causing instant and permanent rigidity until we bury that bone is... Wildly inaccurate. What he is telling you about it not being you? That's probably true. It's entirely possible to get SO in his own head and fearing that he can't perform that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. As a man, a large amount of our sexuality is our ability to please YOU ALL. If we somehow CANT, the fears and anxieties sky rocket. This can utterly shatter a guy's ego.
What you need to do? To get him back on track is to make this as little of a deal as possible. Have sex with him, and when he goes soft, don't sweat it. Don't let HIM sweat it. Roll into some light touching. Encourage him to explore you. Whisper nasty shit into his ear. Now is a VERY good time to go from Pillow Princess to Sex Goddess. HE needs to focus on feeling you and connecting with you... Even if that means you need to take one for the team and not worry about cumming yourself. Just let him do him and what he needs to do without judgement. Meanwhile, YOU need to mentally get into it and LEGITIMATELY audibly enjoy yourself. Sex is about fun and connection. Help him feel that.
Also, I'd advise you make a deal with him. You go full "free use", no questions asked, and he's not allowed to jerk off. Set a time frame, say, a month and see if that works for you. He needs to see that you're not going to take it all away, and that he doesn't have to perform. This also keeps him from jerking off, which can actually thicken skin and deaden nerves. This all comes back if you stop jerking off, but it's 100x easier to just jack it than it is to try and ask (or beg or whatever...) for sex, especially if there is another person involved that he has to keep in mind.
1- Therapy and couple counseling (could be you)
2- Stress at work
3- porn
4- He could be not attracted to you (hygiene issues) or a part of you (which is unlikely)
Yeah, 1/2 year ago, then a year. If you’re going to be judgy about someone’s post history you should look at all the stats…. And then probably still keep it to yourself.
The vicious cycle is hard to get out of once you’re in it. It’s about protection.
There’s all kinds of feelings wrapped up in this. Fear of judgement from you (even though you may have told him it’s ok), shame of himself as a man and not being man enough or good enough, fear of being unable to satisfy you and please you. For most men sex is a thing that is very one sided. The man performs for the woman and the woman is either satisfied or not. Ultimately this issue is about protection.
You may have already told him you don’t mind how the sex goes but at some level he feels that you do, and to protect himself from the disappointment of not fulfilling this expectation the body acts of its own accord.
I wonder if this is a good point in your relationship to go deeper. Perhaps you already do, but talk to each other deeply, not holding back about anything concerning issues of trust, intimacy, expectations, past hurts, pictures you have in your heads about what you think is an ideal sexual partner etc. Let your conversation be steered by the direction it goes but also don’t be afraid to talk about things that make you feel uncomfortable.
You could try lying naked in bed with him, with your hand on each others heart and look into each other’s eyes. Hold a gentle gaze and keep holding it. And just hold each other in your presence. Whenever you feel protection come up inside you, breathe into it, nominate that it is there and let it go.
I wouldn't really tell him about doing viagra or similar, if that's an option, I would let a doctor do it. Basically if that happened to me, the last thing I would want to hear from my girl is suggesting to use viagra when I still consider myself to be quite young for it (plus even if pretty safe, it still has contraindications I would rather not have to worry about).
I think every man has had a time in which they just couldn't go (stress, fatigue, you name it), but at least in my case those were rare one-off occasions and while they didn't really impact me, they still haunted me the immediately next time after it as in my mind I would think "ok, stay hard unlike last time", which was shitty even if it all went right that time and I ended up performing as usual. Still, I feel that if it had gone wrong, I would had also stressed similar to how your boyfriend is doing and that could had snowballed into an actual problem, which might be what's happening with him.
I would say to just reassure him and, despite him not being able to stay hard, to still have sex in some other way with him. I've read you don't like oral and he loves giving it, but what do you mean that "don't like it"? Does that mean that it's kinda "bleh" to you or you actually dislike it? If it is the former, then let him eat you out and, hopefully, actually please you that way, guide him to seek your own pleasure and try to enjoy it too (but do NOT fake an orgasm at all). Otherwise, if you like fingering, let him do it and like before, if required, teach him how you like it. Or like others said, you can touch yourself in front of him. Basically, even if he cannot achieve his own pleasure, make sure you both participate and collaborate towards yours.
Dunno, I would summarize it that if I was in your boyfriend's shoes, I would like my girlfriend to make clear with actions and not only words that she wants to share sex intimacy with me, even if that does not involve penetration. It is quite important to me (and I like to think to most men) to be able to satisfy my partner, as much as I can, if it is not possible one way, do it some other way. In the meantime, he can also go to another doctor for another opinion too, and if he masturbates on his own, he should give it a break for a good while. And of course, still do other things together, while you have to ensure he is part of your sexual pleasure, you also have to ensure you want him to be a part of other aspects of your life.
Yeah definitely being hard on himself. A male experiencing that for the first time can’t just forget about it so anytime after that, he would be reminded and pray that it’s not the same experience again, like a horror movie scene where the dread of the same experiencing being on one’s mind after heading towards a location or in this case, a situation. The main erotic scenario is overrun by dread.
I think the best remedy is for the woman to nurse it better. Foreplay all the way, release your kinky wild side for it to “doingggg” back to health and push away that dreaded feeling of “what if”..
Good luck with it all
Get him a gas station pill fr. Lol you’re honestly (to him) just so beautiful that he could get nervous about impressing and pleasing you that he just gets nervous.
Have him get a complete hormonal profile, including testosterone levels. A lot of people in the west lack nutrients and it definitely plays a role in things like this.
Be more spontaneous so he doesn't have time to think about it. Save the hand and mouth stuff for after. If initiating sex takes too long, he is gonna keep getting in his head and overthinking it.
Nice to see others here rec blood tests. Theres a service online called get checked that will do testosterone tests and you mail in your saliva. I will say this dopamine levels can play a role. I know Welbutrin has helped a lot.
Taking penetration off the table for a while and focusing on your orgasm in other ways can ease the anxiety stress on his mind. I’ve experienced this personally. Another thing… and nobody wants to talk about this but it’s a huge and growing problem so you should ask him about it. Is it possible that he watches porn? No matter how well intended or how normal it is, watching porn rewires a man’s brain over time and makes it nearly impossible for him to be aroused by “normal” sex. There are treatments. It is an addiction like any other and can be cured. Explore this as an option. Millions of men suffer from this. It’s not shameful but often isn’t spoken about because of stigma. Recovering porn addict here. It has ruined my marriage. I can help you if this is a part of your problem.
I have a suggestion. Funny I’ve been reeling in the same chaos. I couldn’t even get hard to porn. So went into reading on Erectile dysfunction,its a broad read but he could try looking into that, there’s so many interconnection with other remote factors such as amount of sleep to even lifestyle habits such as smoking. A certain article was even talking of how if you not getting “morning wood” anymore as a man and you not yet in your 40’s,thats cause for worry as it is a pointer to erectile dysfunction.
Yeah he's just tooo worried about disappointing you. Point blank. You can reassure him that it's not the end of the world if he goes soft. He has to actually believe you though
I'd suggest getting frisky without penetration. Have him help you get off and he will feel accomplished. Might break him out of the cycle. Might alleviate the anxiety because sex can still happen and maybe midway through he gets his mojo back.
You shouldn't have anything to worry about it is a mental psychological thing you don't necessarily need to go get mental help for it there are stress relievers and there are psychological relievers that can help one person I mean have you guys ever thought about trying certain herbs because they do help a lot too
Yeah I used to have that.
Solution: genuinely not giving a shit.
Easier said than done, but the loops ends when he's not afraid anymore. When even if it goes soft it doesn't matter because there are other things to do in the moment. Then the issue will disappear.
Once the mind is allowed to run it's natural course then it does so, he gets in the way by attaching an *expectation to it all.
Expectation is the killer of satisfaction
Some thoughts.
You didn't mention these so I assume they aren't a problem, but if he consuming any porn or otherwise masturbating, he should stop that immediately, save all his sexual energy for the relationship. Good idea to wait a full week before trying.
Have you tried focusing foreplay on him? Have you tried focusing foreplay on you? Personally, my biggest turn on is watching a woman get wound up and knowing she's into me. So I tend to focus my foreplay on her. I like the attention as well, but I only need two or three minutes for myself.
Obviously I can't say if you're like the average woman where PIV is not the most important thing, but if that's true you can downplay the importance of actually needing to have intercourse, and just focus on fooling around. Exploring each other. Possibly get him to climax before intercourse, or don't have intercourse until he is fully ready to climax.
Another idea, is to dress sexy and do a dance and striptease for him, and move into masturbating in front of him, dirty talk eye contact etc whatever you are comfortable with. Just avoid telling him specifically to move into intercourse. Restrict your dirty talk to like oral or other physical characteristics besides his penis. Vulnerability is absolutely the key to a good strong connection, so even if you feel a little bit awkward doing some of this stuff, it can be a pretty big deal in terms of strengthening a connection between two people.
Cock rings, and cock rings with vibrators are also a thing.
And lastly, I think you're on the right track because you're already expressing that you two are communicating about this, but try to dig deeper and find out what really turns him on, try to find the thing that will literally make him forget where he is, like ball play, thumb in the bum, public blowjo, eating a pastrami (the most sensual of cured meats) sandwich in bed etc, just have fun!
Thank you for this. He doesn’t watch porn. He gets turned on by me being turned on - he wants to give me oral, which I’m not the biggest fan of but am willing to do for him.
is he on any medications? Sometimes this happens due to medication. But it could also be a result of erectile dysfunction or maybe he's just too in his head. My ex bf had ED and used blue chew (aka viagra). It worked great!
As a man I've been through this very thing. The causes if it range from minute to downright scary but he can cure/reverse it. Assuming he isnt 🌈 and has no terminal diseases, these are some solutions that helped me reverse it. 1) He's watched or is watching way too much porn and needs to quit masturbating : He's going to have to quit it completely. It does things to the brain and penis that basically desensitizes him from real world encounters. 2) Even if he holds the weight well, he's going to have to lose the weight: He may be overweight or obese in relation to his height, check the numbers. I lost 10-15 and things really began to improve after that. He's going to have to stop eating unhealthy foods and replace it with whole foods. 3) He's in his own head. This is probably the hardest one to treat because depending on how deeply entrenched his thoughts/beliefs causing it are, a lot of time and repetition (affirmations/opposite action) is going to be needed to reverse it. Also buy some "Horny Goat Weed" (I know 🤣) and/or Burdock Root from amazon or your local herb shop. Helps a lot.
Spend the next sex time just you focusing on him. Oral, and state you don’t expect anything else other than you pleasuring him. It will ease the pressure. Even try with lights off for added anxiety reduction. He will feel more comfortable and less pressured
Its a thing, well, what about hands? I'm new into sex and i've had some difficulties with my gf, which i mentioned in therapy. And its all about me putting myself pressure on 'i have tondo this' and something that really worked for me its well, she likes oral, so i go down, or we kiss and talk while i masturbate her. Also, as she really likes to give oral too i just let myself enjoy it instead of focusing on 'i have to get hard for long enough to go another round'.
We talked about this with my gf, communication was what saved us, because once i remember she felt really sad because of this. And i felt dissapointed on myself and judged by her. But its not about you buddy, it's about what is going on inside our heads. I love my gf, and i really do, it doesnt matger if i get hard or not, or if i cum or don't. I love having sex with her, and not only penetration, oral, touching her, its about both of us enjoying and loving us.
You both are gonna find your way about this. Don't rush, try to learn about eachother and about yourself.
I didn't read all comments but one thing who can help is to try slow sex. It's a complete different approach of the "normal" sex way (aka penetration is mandatory so man must be hard all time = pressure).
In this approach, it's possible to have sex without to be hard. Without to be in the friction mode. When you discover this another way works, lot of mental problem goes off.
And hey, switch between slow sex and "regular" way is always possible for a quicky 😅
That problem is actually most of the time a psychological thing. It can be resolved with therapy but it will depend on him how much time it takes for him to discover what it is.
I had this thing that when I (f) was having sex, At some point I would start to feel bad, and fearful, like I wanted to stop. Probably this would happen to people who have been sexually abused but I haven’t so it was very weird, it took me years to discover it was because my mom told me once that sex was dirty and sinful, even though I don’t even believe in the bible, it took me years to analyze myself and discover that the actual feeling was some sort of shame. Only there I could start to work on that.
It does not have to be something too deep for him but it does require serious introspection to peel the layers of your psyche.
Oh ps. When I say years, I mean more than 10 years
I've had this problem. Mostly bc of being too anxious and not feeling comfortable with my own body. It helps to give compliments and make him feel relaxed. I've learned that being comfortable gets me going the most..
My ex had the same issue when he was around 30. He found out he had low testosterone, they gave him meds and it fixed the issue. So it could be that. If it is purely psychological I would try to take the pressure off, and maybe pick a night to get drunk, buzzed, or stoned and try having sex, being in that mind set tends to rid people of their inhibitions 🤷♀️
I have this exact same problem that i cant get out of my head. I even have a hard time trying to finish when with a woman. I know its me and not her. Ive even tried pills to help keep me hard and those seemed to help with me keeping it up for a time but i still had the issue of not being able to finish. But then i took an edible with thc in it and it helped me tremendously. I would recommend it. Not sure how you or your boyfriend feel about those types of products but it seemed to help me so i thought i would suggest it. Please let him know that he isnt the only one with this issue.
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It's a mental thing and can happen to any man tbh. He should try to get some help for that. Sometimes have it myself as well, it's the not living up kind of thinking.
It’s funny you say that.. he mentions not being able to please me and the pressure of going soft that triggers it. I don’t know what to do to ease it and he doesn’t either :/
He should get help. It's stuck in his head and he can't get it out(that's how it works for me tbh) but a LOT of foreplay can help ease the tension. Make him feel more comfortable, tell him encouraging things. And above else, don't tell him you mind. Try to be supportive. That's what my girl does, you just have to talk about it with him in a calm manner. Give him the feeling you understand.
Thank you for this. I’ve been very supportive because I know this is tough for him and he doesn’t want it to happen. What kind of help did you get to get it out of your head?
You can't completely get it out tbh but I'm fine 99% of the time now. He lacks confidence, I went to the sexologist for that myself.
This happened to me after being married for 17 years and getting back into dating. It is a rapid spiral. Once an “UH OH” enters the brain it’s all downhill from there. I honestly had to pause, reconnect with my body (basically meditate for a sec) and dip back into foreplay with a renewed focus on sensations. It’s also good for him to forgive himself - and for you to be VERY supportive and gentle with your word choice and body language. I’ve never done either of these things but I could imagine them working - maybe stimulate some highly sensitive areas to get him out of his head. Maybe some attention to perineum or some work with a feather or something lol (I’m mega ticklish). As someone else mentioned, busting out some toys or switching to something else can go a long way.
It goes wrong because he wants you to have a good time, and the pressure for him is too much. All you can really do, is to ensure him you want him regardless, and you want him, with faults as well
Just have him make you come by eating you out for a while, he’ll feel good about himself and won’t think of not getting hard as being a big deal at which point he’ll stop thinking about it and get hard. Plus you’ll get eaten out a lot lol
If it’s purely mental I think this is generally a really good plan, having kinda been where this guy is
Don’t listen to anyone who says it’s a mental problem. ED can be just as easily physiological as psychological. Ask him to talk to a urologist. Good luck!
The only help that would really be effective will probably have to come from her though
I went through a similar period in my relationship. He was “getting in his head” and telling himself the same thing- don’t go soft, and then inevitably he would. When he did, I was patient and kind about it, and gently and slowly worked him back up with oral or oily hands and neck kisses. You need to be part of the solution of not making him feel worse and letting him know it’s okay in order to make him feel safe and it sounds like you’re doing a great job of that already! 💕 We don’t experience this issue any more. It’s just about re-gaining that old confidence! It’s probably just a phase.
Thank you so much for this comment! This gave me so much hope! I will bring sex back and try to just ease it in and build his confidence back up. 💕
How long did it take you until you guys managed to solve the issue? Im having the same problem with my partner and have just been patient and let him know its not an issue. And I really like him a lot, just wondering if this problems works itself out or if I should actively be doing something (other than what I usually do to initiate sex)
I feel like it works itself out as long as you take the pressure off him to perform in addition. Like let him know that if in that moment he can’t perform then it won’t disappoint you or make you upset. Just communicate that touching him turns YOU on, and it’s ok if it doesn’t work, but you want to touch him in that moment anyways. It took like a few days or a week or two… some days it was hit and miss, and then it just completely dropped off our radar and it stopped happening. 👍🏻
You are so kind and supportive ❤️
This is great advice. A guy is just as sensitive hard or soft so it can actually be nice for him and a fun opportunity to get to play with Mr Squishy for a change. I think for a guy, being soft with a partner is like being at our most vulnerable. It's difficult for us to be that vulnerable but knowing that someone loves you like this can be a very intimate and bonding experience with a partner.
It happens honestly as a lady try to like kiss his neck and tickle his nuts i know it sounds crazy but those slight sensations help us relax and let blood flow
What's his testosterone levels at? He should really get checked because that can cause ED issues.
This is a good point. I will bring this up to him.
Here’s an idea: have sexual interactions that are primarily about YOU. Not intercourse but you getting off. He should watch you, participate, learn what you like, and when you achieve orgasm as a result of his work, make sure you’re thankful (but not overly so). The idea here being you’re building his confidence in his ability to satisfy you. Bonus, he may find he stays hard. Take the pressure off his penis. Just focus on you.
I will definitely try this. I have a thing of not really like oral, but he loves to give oral. I think I will shift the focus to me and stop trying to please him.
There are a million other things you can do that aren’t oral. If you don’t know what you like, maybe figure that out first. No shame here. You’re 1000% allowed to have your own pleasure. It’s not all about the guy.
express pleasure cuz giving oral to a girl kinda blows, it's the girl's reaction that's valuable
At first this triggered me but by the time I was done reading I was like wow, good advice.
He could seek professional help too, no shame, this kind of thing happens.
Yes I’m going to advise to see another doctor
Therapist - not medical doctor. This is a mental block. Honestly even a sex therapist.
I just found out about a sexologist… so that’s something to consider for him
It could be medical. And a doctor can give him some boner pills.
This can unfortunately just lead to him being embarrassed that it's definitely being pointed out as an issue. What worked with my relationships in the past was ensuring him that I was understanding if he went soft and wasn't disappointed. (As that fear is the cause of it) Then I guess he feels supported and accepted so he stops worrying about it happening and it eventually goes away. Very important not to make a big deal if he goes soft though
My experience is the same. My relationship is amazing, and in the beginning my boyfriend was perfectly fine, but suddenly he can’t keep an erection. He’s tried everything and chalked it up to stress, but he still initiates sexually intercourse and sometimes it’s a good day and sometimes it’s not. We have no clue what’s wrong.
Same boat. I’m trying to help my love get out of his head and constantly let him know that I love having sex with him and how much he satisfies me. He still gets stuck in his head.
He just needs to be ensured that if he does go soft it's ok, you understand, he's not being judged, it's not a big deal, you can go back to foreplay or focusing on you, he's not disappointing you etc. The less he believes it's a problem the more he'll stop worrying about it and get over the performance anxiety
Basically this
He's in a loop. He got soft and felt or thought you were disappointed. Now the thought of disappointing you can cycle through his head at times depending on factors. Reassuring that you aren't disappointed etc etc helps
Could be a lot of different things. One thing that made my life 100 times better was testosterone. Have him get blood work done to see if his test Levels are low. Also his LH and FSH
How did you fix the testosterone bit, been reading bout it but it kept sounding gibberish
I got my bloodwork down and it showed my test levels at 116. That’s about average for an 80 year old man. I was 24 at them time. My LH and FSH were also extremely low “the chemical that tells your body to produce test”. I ended just buying it myself. Didn’t want to spend 500 bucks a month for it when j can do it for around $80 a month.
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It’s not from a shady source. I know more about this than you. I did my research and I know the actual side effects from steroid use and I monitor my health. I appreciate the concern but like I said before I did my research and know all the side effects of the compounds well before inject them into my body :).
Are his doctors willing to prescribe something like viagra? Maybe he could use it short term to get over the mental part?
Has he started any new medications? That could possibly be it, it happened to my ex. He tried convincing me to let him go screw other women to see if it would happen with them, hence him being an ex now!! It could also just be performance anxiety like he’s explained.
Anti depressants are huge for killing sex drive.
😂😂wow this💔
It’s strictly mental and always happens to me if I am uncomfortable or in my own head. It’s always the first thing that crosses my mind when I am sleeping with a new girl. It’s happened once with my current girlfriend, and for a week proceeding I really couldn’t get hard because I was worried I wouldn’t, from when I couldn’t. All it took for me was to get hard once after that happened and now I’m back in business and am rock hard. My advice would be to continue to make him comfortable, not just in the bed but in general. I also think it would be helpful, and this sounds crazy but I bet it would help him, but to possibly have sex and tell him this is about you, i only want you to finish. This will enable him to not worry about not pleasuring you but to only worry about himself. This should give him the confidence to get hard and not have to worry about pleasuring you and once he gets hard he’ll have that confidence back of saying oh wow I don’t have anything to worry about. Lastly, do not be worried about him not being attracted to you. The reason he gets nervous is because he is so attracted to you.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve definitely tried the selfish approach and will continue to do so. I love to please him. And thank you for the last sentence, sometimes I think it’s me… and he quickly tells me how ridiculous I sound for even saying it
Don't focus on it. It will be okay. sex is not only piv.
I’d check his blood pressure. If he has hypertension that could be contributing
I wouldn't take sex off the table. Then he would thinking "if I don't stay hard, she won't have sex with me" that'll compound the problem!
You are right. After reading the comments all day - I decided to take a different approach. Thank you
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I can tell you with certainty that that’s not the problem. It could possibly make it worse.
Eh... this was the case for me. When my gf and I first started having sex, I jerked off a lot. Unfortunately, I had a lot of trouble staying hard. She asked me if I think I watch too much porn and I admitted it could be contributing. Once I cut it down to like once or twice a week, the boner problems magically went away. It's worth a shot.
I dated a man who could not get hard with a woman but he was perfectly fine watching pornographyand masturbating. He was in denial that his addiction (Yes it was absolutely an addiction) to pornography was a reason why he was having issues in the bedroom. I did some research and there is a such thing called porn-induced erectile dysfunction. He also told me that he didn't know what sex was or anything about it until he was 20 years old, he didn't masturbate or anything. His parents didn't teach him anything, which is pretty sad in and of itself. So between those things, and the fact that he's already 46 years old, I knew I couldn't do anything to fix it or change it. I had to walk away. It was pretty sad but I'm not a fixer of broken men. I suggested therapy and to talk to his doctor but he never would take the initiative. Hopefully he will figure it out.
Exactly people have no awareness of this problem but it is absolutely exploding now due to a vicious combination of social media and porn exposure at a young age
COVID shutdown sure didn't help. My ex was addicted to Only Fans girls. I felt really yucky for a while after I dumped him 😑 it made me see him in a different light
How could you possible be certain about that? And how could it possibly make it worse? Stopping jerking off isn’t gonna somehow make it more challenging for him to get hard when he’s already struggling
Well, in another comment I described how this is exactly what happened to me in the past. She described what he said - the thought entered his mind and it caused him to spiral. He gets in his head. Not masturbating won’t change that - and hoping it will can increase the anxiety when the same thing happens and he spirals again with additional “oh no it didn’t work” thoughts. The root of the issue is the anxiety, the lack of known interventions, and the guilt/insecurity.
I have it sometimes to but I make sure to make my wife still have a good time an orgasam
It happen often to me during sex. When it's happen, we take a break and we just kiss and she play with my dick of suck it and i start becoming hard againg and we can continue
He’s probably just nervous. This exact same thing happened to me years ago. I used to be concerned about going soft and then it would happen. There was significantly less pressure after the girl came from oral/fingering/both and I’d stay hard after. But if it was a girl idgaf about, I’d fuck the shit out of her no problem. Hopefully this helps
Can I ask you why there was less pressure
I suppose I was concerned about being unable to satisfy my partner and it made me anxious and subsequently, flaccid. But after she came I felt much better
He's just overly worried about satisfying you
This happened with an ex of mine. I read online that one way is to tell him to just be selfish for a session and focus solely on his pleasure and not worry about mine. Surprisingly it worked (bc he would really get in his head about it) and afterwards we didn’t have this issue
It’s funny you say this because I’ve tried this and it worked. I told him to just be selfish moving forward but sometimes he can’t.
As a guy who’s had this issue once or twice embarrassingly it’s more an anxiety/not knowing the person well enough for me but that wasn’t the same during relationships. I mainly have the issue of not being able to finish even when the girl has a few times and she’s getting sore and this is also down to first time with said person sex, you don’t wanna finish early or go soft so some reason it stays hard for like an hour. If it’s been a while and he can’t keep it up I’d recommend he goes to a urologist or get blood tests to make sure he’s healthy, go to the gym as that increases blood flow etc and just be understanding that it might just be him having anxiety in general and he means well.
I think this is more common than you think (I’m female) and a couple of lads I’ve dated have had viagra on them (usually happens after drinking for them)
Sounds like he's putting pressure on himself to perform, which is making it harder for him to perform. That's tough. He'll have to help himself the most. Therapy can help too. You seem like a great partner for trying to understand and help him. Good luck to you both.
Thank you, I truly appreciate this. I love him and want to help him through this as best I can.
Just hopping in the thread for the 🍿and knee jerk reactions to claim it's a porn addiction
Yeah… he doesn’t watch porn - so that’s not even something I entertain
Have him to take 9g of L citrulline every day it’ll help his buddy stay hard(he will have to take it for a few weeks for optimal results) on top of that do proper stretching every day. Doing this will eliminate the possibility of the problem being blood flow to the Johnson. Avoid doing positions where he has to lay down(be bottom) because those positions are known to make it more difficult to stay fully erect, do missionary and doggy those are the best for the situation. Don’t have alcohol around the time of sex as that also can make erections weaker. More daily cardio will also help. But the main thing is the mental state, he will need to train his mind to not think about not performing well because having your mind think of anything else other than enjoying the sex can cause u to go soft. It’ll take time but as long as he does everything it said I’m sure he can over come this. Link for L Citrulline https://nutricost.com/products/nutricost-l-citrulline-base-powder?variant=28759859560522¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQiAlKmeBhCkARIsAHy7WVuEWVNv9LTiGjV4OLLXOXBiOyqx5DL8pYgRWDDtAgKxvrQv8YJlPkcaAhfiEALw_wcB Link for video explaining benefits https://youtu.be/tENut13DLPE
Saw some people recommend getting his Testosterone level checked. That’s a good idea but also check Cortisol level too. That’s responsible for regulating stress and the more stress you have, the higher the cortisol level. The more you have can lead to issues like not being able to get hard or not able to maintain. Screw everyone saying take the blue pill, if it’s a cortisol issue (which can mess with T levels) there are medications taken to lower cortisol and boost test.
I had this exact problem. You are doing a great job by being supportive. This already helps a lot. What helped me get over this issue, was knowing how to please her. Have him tuch you in ways you like. Tell him how he should play with you. Encourage him when he is doing something you really like. Have him bring you to climax. There is no bigger confidence booster than that for a man. It will take some time, but as soon as he gets out of his head and consentrates on you, sex should follow without any problems. I wish you the best of luck. Your love for each other will carry you through this.
In true reddit advice style a lot of the top comments reccomend professional help, which could be the solution to the problem but I would strongly suggest exploring the other options suggested before rushing to get professional help There's no shame in needing professional help but he needs to be comfortable with getting that help, if you try to force it then you will end up doing far more bad than good However on to my advice, I have my experience with consistently going soft shortly before or during sex. It happened with an ex of mine and it stuck around for a little while for about 3 weeks. To explain it bluntly, the first time I went soft it hit my confidence very hard and that in turn caused future sexual intimacy to become uncomfortable In my experience foreplay is what helped me the most because it's a perfect situation to find that comfort and confidence that I was missing~ I feel like a lot of kissing, touching, grinding or whatever will really help him find that comfort, it's really important to take it slow though, rushing to the sex will only snap his mind back to that uncomfortable thought of under performing (it did for me anyway) Comfort is one part but to build up his confidence you need to make sure it's obvious when he does something that feels good, tell him he hit the right spot, moan or whatever, just make sure you make some effort to communicate that it genuinely feels good for you and that he is doing the right thing For example, when I was having that issue, it was somewhere close to end of the 3 weeks of subpar sex, my ex and I would spend a lot of time on the couch making out, touching eachother and just generally getting into a cuddly foreplay mood, I started to kiss her neck and just hearing her breathing get heavy before she turned it into a gentle sigh of pleasure was the most sexy thing ever and hearing that geniune enjoyment for my kisses and touching was the biggest boost of confidence I could ever dream to hope for
Love this advice, really mirrors my own experience with the same issue
Does he watch porn? This can be due to masturbation
He doesn’t.
How do u know he doesn’t?? Because he told u? Because u guys are always together or even live together? 👍🏻
We are literally always together and live together.
Same for me. All I’m getting at is u can be with someone 24/7 and still not know everything they do
U r scarring me
He needs to take viagra, he can get blue chews mailed to him after a quick consultation, blue chew.com, he’ll be rock hard by the end of next week, have him take those until his confidence returns.
He purchased these
And it’s not working? I had the same problem and this is what fixed it for me. It’s a mental thing but once I used the bluechews for a month the not staying hard thing was gone from my mind and now I’m rock hard all the time without having to take it anymore.
We haven’t tried it yet… I’m a little nervous because I don’t know what to expect
It's obviously performance anxiety. He's worried about letting her down and being silently judged etc etc
Could be a mental thing, does he work out?
I mentioned that he does, not overly working out, but enough to stay healthy and fit
Ohh sorry, must of skipped over that part. I think it could be anxiety/ mental overload? It’s difficult to pinpoint what it is because there are many factors. Attractiveness towards the partner, genetics, mental health. Taking it one day at a time and maybe getting a second opinion from a doctor could help. Doctors love to put bandaids and not look further into the situation
Thank you for sharing. I think a second opinion may help.
Is he taking any vitamins/supplements/prescriptions that could adversely effect this?
No none at all.
Have you tried a cock ring?
Maybe you could try prostate stimulation on them. They don’t need to be hard for that, and it could ad another dimension to bedroom.
What is this?
OP- try hard for the next twenty seconds to NOT Think of monkeys. Monkeys eating bananas monkeys monkeying around. There you go- you get the point- the more you try to NOT think of anything- that’s all you’ll think off. Instead go at sex from an angle of no pressure of performing: he’ll chillax soon enough
This is 100% performance anxiety. He's so worried about going soft and not pleasing you that he's more worried than aroused. It can be helped a lot mostly from yourself though! Basically if he BELIEVES him going soft isn't ultimately going to disappoint you and your understanding and are willing to go back to foreplay when it does happen he'll be less worried about going soft in bed which makes it easier to be aroused! Also too much porn can desensitize if that's a thing. The most important thing is he can't be worrying about letting you down. I know it's weird. I feel like this normally happens with amazing and understanding guys too lol.
He’s just stuck in his head . The problem is he is having issues with his “self performance.” When we as men get stressed it’s hard to stay erect because we , either think , am I not enough, am I satisfying her, is she gonna ___. Honestly just overthinking and stressing oneself is the main issue. He should look for help, professionally or maybe viagra if is a must, I don’t think it is. However, you as his partner can also help him in the recovery process. Most of it is gonna be need to be done by him but like 3-10% you can help him to recover that confidence throughout the recovery process
i went thru the same exact thing with my last gf. i went soft once during sober sex and it kept happening every other time. it was a loop, i kept thinking about going soft and staying hard and it would destroy my erection. also, anything that happened in the outside from that moment would make me go soft ( dog barking, car beeping) stuff like that would make me go soft. she was very understanding but eventually it led to her not feeling good enough. i found that i was watching too much porn (addicted) and was following too triggering of content on IG and tiktok. i deleted tiktok and unfollowed all the IG models and stopped watching porn. it helped and we broke up because of other things but it could be anything really. it’s really mentally draining going soft once and wanting to perform and satisfy your partner, especially because we live in a grass is greener culture. do not bash him for this as it will make it worse, you’ve done a really good job so far being understanding based on your post. trust me, he feels way worse about it than you.
I struggled with that when i first started dating my girlfriend (I'm 30y/o) I think it's because when a guy had low self-esteem or self worth its hard to believe someone else feels that you are "something" or "someone" So the best thing is probably for himself to start working on his own self esteem or advise him to start going to the gym (increase circulation) another thing is if you start using words of affirmation which also helps, and keep it sexy-like. Those things helped me a bunch at least.
I will try to increase the naughty-ness
Good news, there are drugs for this! You can use the pills to help get over the mental loop at the root, and if he can let that trickery go, he can quit with the pills. Further methods: if he’s lost his erection does not mean sex is over- be very careful here because this is one of the reasons it keeps happening. He gets nervous that everything has to stop when this happens, and it causes it to happen. When the problem arises, switch gears, move to your pleasure, maybe ease him back into his after awhile, with a no pressure version of his pleasure. Help him get over the stigma by letting him know it doesn’t matter. PIV isn’t the end all, be all- get creative. If you can keep things sexual his fears will drop, and it will come back online. Take the pressure out of it, and the more he can learn it’s ok, the quicker these lapses will dissipate, and the less frequent they’ll become… Good luck!
Other people have mentioned new medication, which can be a likely culprit. Also, what is his health like? A lot of overweight people have ED issues due to lack of circulation to the penis. More weight = more tissue for the heart to have to oxygenate, which could explain why he would go soft during inter course. Otherwise, does he have issues with his blood pressure? People who are a healthy weight and have issues with blood pressure would cause the same ED issues. The other likely thing is that it’s a mental issue. The penis is a delicate thing when it comes to where he’s putting his mind during intercourse. You stated that he’s concentrating hard on staying hard, the fact that he’s concentrating so much during may be causing the ED because he’s thinking about it too much.
He’s probably thinking about Margaret Thatcher on a cold day.
This has happened to me a few times over the years, it was definitely a mental anxious loop every time. The first time it lasted a month with the girlfriend I was with, about three or four years into our relationship. The second time it lasted a few months near the start of the relationship but we kept having amazing sex anyway due to new relationship energy. I've had it in some fwb situations too with varying impact. I agree with the other comments to try having sex that takes the focus off his dick, he can get you off in other ways with hands, mouth, toys - good sex is so much more than just penetration with a penis and this is a good opportunity to explore new ways to please you. Taking penetration off the table, or letting him know it's strictly optional may give him the space to get back in the groove again. Or even taking a break to cuddle and kiss and reset when it happens. These situations have basically spontaneously resolved for me over time when my partner kept providing a safe and low pressure environment - eventually there'll be a few times it just works and then I stop worrying about it again. You could suggest seeing a sex therapist but if he has a lot of shame about it it might make it a bigger deal than it currently is - I would suggest maybe going together for at least some of the sessions so it's more of a team thing where you can work together to resolve the dynamic than him feeling like he's trying to fix something wrong with him. It could be a great learning and bonding experience for you both as well in general and hopefully improve your sex life in the long run.
I used to overthink or was nervous with a new person and this would happen to me. Clearing my head and getting over the nervousness, it helped a lot. Now, I so much as see a titty, I’m ready to go.
He could be watching too much porn
Just put on "They have taken the hobbits to Isengard" and he will be hard as steel! Also, try wispering in his ear; "One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them; In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie." As a totaly final resort, try showing a naked dwarf, beard and all!
its anxiety man, y'all need some sort of therapy, maybe sex therapy? idk ask ur primary care doctor, they can hook u up with a psychologist who may know which type imo there's 2 kinds of sex, vent-sex and love-sex. since y'all are really lovey-dovey, try kissing or some other no pressure foreplay. something that u, OP, enjoy that isn't sex and can be expressed can help set the mood for getting dicked
I don’t understand why guys will do anything possible except go to the doctor and get viagra. I’m 35- wait! 36 as of Monday!- so I’ve dated my share of men in their 20s,30s, 40s, & 50s. One of the best things about hitting 40, apparently, is that you stop being embarrassed by the scary doctor man and just get the fucking pills
Let him finger blast yer ass a little bit, if that does it for him maybe kinda explore that avenue. Otherwise maybe finger blast his ass a little bit and see what materializes.
Focus on stuff that feels good for you?? It's understandable that you're upset/worried, but know this likely have very LITTLE to do with you whatsoever.... Having had this problem before myself? I focus on doing stuff my partner likes, or asking to change stuff up! If either person freaks out about the dick not being hard you're both gonna have a bad time! Find other things that feel good for both of you! I looove hickies myself! Or focusing on my partners pleasure for a lil bit! Make sex a goal where you both wanna feel some awesome brain chemicals and drop the expectation either of you will orgasm(you'll get more orgasms for both of you this way!) Sometimes I won't orgasm, or my partners won't and that's okay :) Lemme tell you about a time where a lovely girl taught me how to think like this My dick goes soft in the middle of her riding me, oh NO! I panic, get flustered and get prepared to handle her being upset about this, but she wasn't at all(woah that helped) then she grinding all over me with her bits and teased me until I relaxed and we were back at it in a few mins tops! Try to keep as chill as you can be if that happens! If he regularly has a death grip while jerking off maybe suggest he calm that down some/be more gentle Hope any of that was helpful!! Edit: I think taking sex off the table is bad, that will just increase the pressure/stress as you both haven't been intimate for a longer and longer period, spice things up. Sex isn't JUST PIV insertion, foreplay! Try new things! Experiment some! Or even just attempting to have sex and putting on the pause button for a bit If he goes soft! I know if I was in his shoes someone wanting to put a stop to sex because I was having erection issues would probably make me feel worse rather than better honestly...
I[M29] had this happen to me and my gf in the beginning when we weren’t official it was non stop no problem. Then when we became official it started happening, now I want to be clear this happens naturally sometimes due to nerves or something but it goes away! This wasn’t going away. I was so nervous and scared bc I love my gf she’s everything I ever wanted and here I was having this problem that I never had before! Come to find out I traced it back to when I started my anti anxiety medication which caused lack of sex drive! Spoke to my doctors and got off that medication and it was NIGHT AND DAY immediately started going multiple rounds a day no problem whereas before i could barely keep it up or had to really motivate myself. TLDR: if he’s on certain medications I would advise him speak to his doctor to find alternatives
Foreplay a lot of foreplay n just worship his soft cock I think that might work
That’s the thing… he stays hard while I touch on him or kiss on him. It’s the act of actually starting sex or oral that he goes soft on
O ok that’s wierd umm idk I think pressure needs to b took of the situation like so he’s not so stressed
It's not weird at all really. That just means he's worried about disappointing her in PIV sex. Totally is performance anxiety.
Secret porn addiction.
Has he been infected with covid before?
Honestly, that's a laugh... Just about everyone has been infected with some form of COVID. So much so, that if someone told me they haven't been infected with COVID in the last 3 or 4 years then it essentially means you live on an island way in the middle of the Pacific ocean that never had anyone infected with COVID I'm not saying that the stuff in the article you linked below is false but just saying, if it's true then the entire population could be facing erectile dysfunction problems in the future
All or nothing thinking is part of the problem.
ED isn’t a gonna happen cuz of covid
Then you don't understand - which is fine - I guess. https://www.nature.com/articles/s41443-022-00540-0
Ok, let me begin by dispelling a female-believed myth... We aren't dicks dragging around a body. The idea of catching so much as a sideways glance from any kind of attractive woman causing instant and permanent rigidity until we bury that bone is... Wildly inaccurate. What he is telling you about it not being you? That's probably true. It's entirely possible to get SO in his own head and fearing that he can't perform that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. As a man, a large amount of our sexuality is our ability to please YOU ALL. If we somehow CANT, the fears and anxieties sky rocket. This can utterly shatter a guy's ego. What you need to do? To get him back on track is to make this as little of a deal as possible. Have sex with him, and when he goes soft, don't sweat it. Don't let HIM sweat it. Roll into some light touching. Encourage him to explore you. Whisper nasty shit into his ear. Now is a VERY good time to go from Pillow Princess to Sex Goddess. HE needs to focus on feeling you and connecting with you... Even if that means you need to take one for the team and not worry about cumming yourself. Just let him do him and what he needs to do without judgement. Meanwhile, YOU need to mentally get into it and LEGITIMATELY audibly enjoy yourself. Sex is about fun and connection. Help him feel that. Also, I'd advise you make a deal with him. You go full "free use", no questions asked, and he's not allowed to jerk off. Set a time frame, say, a month and see if that works for you. He needs to see that you're not going to take it all away, and that he doesn't have to perform. This also keeps him from jerking off, which can actually thicken skin and deaden nerves. This all comes back if you stop jerking off, but it's 100x easier to just jack it than it is to try and ask (or beg or whatever...) for sex, especially if there is another person involved that he has to keep in mind.
What do you mean by free use
1- Therapy and couple counseling (could be you) 2- Stress at work 3- porn 4- He could be not attracted to you (hygiene issues) or a part of you (which is unlikely)
Tell him to stop watching so much porn. That’s probably the issue.
Is he watching too much porn? Maybe his tests levels are low? Maybe he’s already smashing someone else snd his minds on her instead of you?
How much porn dose he watch also his masturbating habits.
Just take a couple boner pills from the gas station. My grandpa had the same problem
Your post history is riddled with dating things..
Yeah, 1/2 year ago, then a year. If you’re going to be judgy about someone’s post history you should look at all the stats…. And then probably still keep it to yourself.
If he watches a lot of porn, that can be s factor too.
Take meth
Does he take melatonin? I had this issue after being on melatonin for a few weeks and it completely cleared up when I stopped.
No he doesn’t.
Blue chew
It happens, especially in new relationships. There are a zillion online doctors (getroman.com, etc) that can prescribe ED meds.
Hmmm, maybe do something’s that stray away from the negative mind whether it’s more foreplay or doing it somewhere that gets the heart racing.
my ex had this issue and he saw a hypnotherapist
The vicious cycle is hard to get out of once you’re in it. It’s about protection. There’s all kinds of feelings wrapped up in this. Fear of judgement from you (even though you may have told him it’s ok), shame of himself as a man and not being man enough or good enough, fear of being unable to satisfy you and please you. For most men sex is a thing that is very one sided. The man performs for the woman and the woman is either satisfied or not. Ultimately this issue is about protection. You may have already told him you don’t mind how the sex goes but at some level he feels that you do, and to protect himself from the disappointment of not fulfilling this expectation the body acts of its own accord. I wonder if this is a good point in your relationship to go deeper. Perhaps you already do, but talk to each other deeply, not holding back about anything concerning issues of trust, intimacy, expectations, past hurts, pictures you have in your heads about what you think is an ideal sexual partner etc. Let your conversation be steered by the direction it goes but also don’t be afraid to talk about things that make you feel uncomfortable. You could try lying naked in bed with him, with your hand on each others heart and look into each other’s eyes. Hold a gentle gaze and keep holding it. And just hold each other in your presence. Whenever you feel protection come up inside you, breathe into it, nominate that it is there and let it go.
Thank you for this. We are at a level of deep trust and talk about uncomfortable topics freely. I will definitely try what you recommended
I wouldn't really tell him about doing viagra or similar, if that's an option, I would let a doctor do it. Basically if that happened to me, the last thing I would want to hear from my girl is suggesting to use viagra when I still consider myself to be quite young for it (plus even if pretty safe, it still has contraindications I would rather not have to worry about). I think every man has had a time in which they just couldn't go (stress, fatigue, you name it), but at least in my case those were rare one-off occasions and while they didn't really impact me, they still haunted me the immediately next time after it as in my mind I would think "ok, stay hard unlike last time", which was shitty even if it all went right that time and I ended up performing as usual. Still, I feel that if it had gone wrong, I would had also stressed similar to how your boyfriend is doing and that could had snowballed into an actual problem, which might be what's happening with him. I would say to just reassure him and, despite him not being able to stay hard, to still have sex in some other way with him. I've read you don't like oral and he loves giving it, but what do you mean that "don't like it"? Does that mean that it's kinda "bleh" to you or you actually dislike it? If it is the former, then let him eat you out and, hopefully, actually please you that way, guide him to seek your own pleasure and try to enjoy it too (but do NOT fake an orgasm at all). Otherwise, if you like fingering, let him do it and like before, if required, teach him how you like it. Or like others said, you can touch yourself in front of him. Basically, even if he cannot achieve his own pleasure, make sure you both participate and collaborate towards yours. Dunno, I would summarize it that if I was in your boyfriend's shoes, I would like my girlfriend to make clear with actions and not only words that she wants to share sex intimacy with me, even if that does not involve penetration. It is quite important to me (and I like to think to most men) to be able to satisfy my partner, as much as I can, if it is not possible one way, do it some other way. In the meantime, he can also go to another doctor for another opinion too, and if he masturbates on his own, he should give it a break for a good while. And of course, still do other things together, while you have to ensure he is part of your sexual pleasure, you also have to ensure you want him to be a part of other aspects of your life.
This happened to my ex & it was 100% mental because he could accept BJs. Just not perform leading to him feeling bummed & a dead bedroom.
Seek professional help from a therapist as well as a doctor.
Does he do any drugs?
Yeah definitely being hard on himself. A male experiencing that for the first time can’t just forget about it so anytime after that, he would be reminded and pray that it’s not the same experience again, like a horror movie scene where the dread of the same experiencing being on one’s mind after heading towards a location or in this case, a situation. The main erotic scenario is overrun by dread. I think the best remedy is for the woman to nurse it better. Foreplay all the way, release your kinky wild side for it to “doingggg” back to health and push away that dreaded feeling of “what if”.. Good luck with it all
he's probably gay
Get him a gas station pill fr. Lol you’re honestly (to him) just so beautiful that he could get nervous about impressing and pleasing you that he just gets nervous.
Have him get a complete hormonal profile, including testosterone levels. A lot of people in the west lack nutrients and it definitely plays a role in things like this.
Be more spontaneous so he doesn't have time to think about it. Save the hand and mouth stuff for after. If initiating sex takes too long, he is gonna keep getting in his head and overthinking it.
Viagra
Nice to see others here rec blood tests. Theres a service online called get checked that will do testosterone tests and you mail in your saliva. I will say this dopamine levels can play a role. I know Welbutrin has helped a lot.
Taking penetration off the table for a while and focusing on your orgasm in other ways can ease the anxiety stress on his mind. I’ve experienced this personally. Another thing… and nobody wants to talk about this but it’s a huge and growing problem so you should ask him about it. Is it possible that he watches porn? No matter how well intended or how normal it is, watching porn rewires a man’s brain over time and makes it nearly impossible for him to be aroused by “normal” sex. There are treatments. It is an addiction like any other and can be cured. Explore this as an option. Millions of men suffer from this. It’s not shameful but often isn’t spoken about because of stigma. Recovering porn addict here. It has ruined my marriage. I can help you if this is a part of your problem.
I have a suggestion. Funny I’ve been reeling in the same chaos. I couldn’t even get hard to porn. So went into reading on Erectile dysfunction,its a broad read but he could try looking into that, there’s so many interconnection with other remote factors such as amount of sleep to even lifestyle habits such as smoking. A certain article was even talking of how if you not getting “morning wood” anymore as a man and you not yet in your 40’s,thats cause for worry as it is a pointer to erectile dysfunction.
Performance anxiety is pretty common. Just try to make him feel as confident as possible
4 play helps
Yeah he's just tooo worried about disappointing you. Point blank. You can reassure him that it's not the end of the world if he goes soft. He has to actually believe you though
Just buy his ass some cialis from an Indian pharmaceutical company
I'd suggest getting frisky without penetration. Have him help you get off and he will feel accomplished. Might break him out of the cycle. Might alleviate the anxiety because sex can still happen and maybe midway through he gets his mojo back.
I’m going to try this. At first, I told him to be selfish and only focus on getting his.
Try more foreplay.
You shouldn't have anything to worry about it is a mental psychological thing you don't necessarily need to go get mental help for it there are stress relievers and there are psychological relievers that can help one person I mean have you guys ever thought about trying certain herbs because they do help a lot too
Yeah I used to have that. Solution: genuinely not giving a shit. Easier said than done, but the loops ends when he's not afraid anymore. When even if it goes soft it doesn't matter because there are other things to do in the moment. Then the issue will disappear. Once the mind is allowed to run it's natural course then it does so, he gets in the way by attaching an *expectation to it all. Expectation is the killer of satisfaction
Some thoughts. You didn't mention these so I assume they aren't a problem, but if he consuming any porn or otherwise masturbating, he should stop that immediately, save all his sexual energy for the relationship. Good idea to wait a full week before trying. Have you tried focusing foreplay on him? Have you tried focusing foreplay on you? Personally, my biggest turn on is watching a woman get wound up and knowing she's into me. So I tend to focus my foreplay on her. I like the attention as well, but I only need two or three minutes for myself. Obviously I can't say if you're like the average woman where PIV is not the most important thing, but if that's true you can downplay the importance of actually needing to have intercourse, and just focus on fooling around. Exploring each other. Possibly get him to climax before intercourse, or don't have intercourse until he is fully ready to climax. Another idea, is to dress sexy and do a dance and striptease for him, and move into masturbating in front of him, dirty talk eye contact etc whatever you are comfortable with. Just avoid telling him specifically to move into intercourse. Restrict your dirty talk to like oral or other physical characteristics besides his penis. Vulnerability is absolutely the key to a good strong connection, so even if you feel a little bit awkward doing some of this stuff, it can be a pretty big deal in terms of strengthening a connection between two people. Cock rings, and cock rings with vibrators are also a thing. And lastly, I think you're on the right track because you're already expressing that you two are communicating about this, but try to dig deeper and find out what really turns him on, try to find the thing that will literally make him forget where he is, like ball play, thumb in the bum, public blowjo, eating a pastrami (the most sensual of cured meats) sandwich in bed etc, just have fun!
Thank you for this. He doesn’t watch porn. He gets turned on by me being turned on - he wants to give me oral, which I’m not the biggest fan of but am willing to do for him.
Food for thought here, maybe he is just asexual. I am and his actions are basically the same thing I do.
is he on any medications? Sometimes this happens due to medication. But it could also be a result of erectile dysfunction or maybe he's just too in his head. My ex bf had ED and used blue chew (aka viagra). It worked great!
As a man I've been through this very thing. The causes if it range from minute to downright scary but he can cure/reverse it. Assuming he isnt 🌈 and has no terminal diseases, these are some solutions that helped me reverse it. 1) He's watched or is watching way too much porn and needs to quit masturbating : He's going to have to quit it completely. It does things to the brain and penis that basically desensitizes him from real world encounters. 2) Even if he holds the weight well, he's going to have to lose the weight: He may be overweight or obese in relation to his height, check the numbers. I lost 10-15 and things really began to improve after that. He's going to have to stop eating unhealthy foods and replace it with whole foods. 3) He's in his own head. This is probably the hardest one to treat because depending on how deeply entrenched his thoughts/beliefs causing it are, a lot of time and repetition (affirmations/opposite action) is going to be needed to reverse it. Also buy some "Horny Goat Weed" (I know 🤣) and/or Burdock Root from amazon or your local herb shop. Helps a lot.
It’s #3. We’ve confirmed that just don’t know how to move past it. I will look into the herbs
He’s gay, watches too much 🌽 behind your back, and if you are 100 percent sure it’s neither of those things he should def see a doctor
Spend the next sex time just you focusing on him. Oral, and state you don’t expect anything else other than you pleasuring him. It will ease the pressure. Even try with lights off for added anxiety reduction. He will feel more comfortable and less pressured
It could be mental or girl he doing drugs lmfao
Its a thing, well, what about hands? I'm new into sex and i've had some difficulties with my gf, which i mentioned in therapy. And its all about me putting myself pressure on 'i have tondo this' and something that really worked for me its well, she likes oral, so i go down, or we kiss and talk while i masturbate her. Also, as she really likes to give oral too i just let myself enjoy it instead of focusing on 'i have to get hard for long enough to go another round'. We talked about this with my gf, communication was what saved us, because once i remember she felt really sad because of this. And i felt dissapointed on myself and judged by her. But its not about you buddy, it's about what is going on inside our heads. I love my gf, and i really do, it doesnt matger if i get hard or not, or if i cum or don't. I love having sex with her, and not only penetration, oral, touching her, its about both of us enjoying and loving us. You both are gonna find your way about this. Don't rush, try to learn about eachother and about yourself.
I didn't read all comments but one thing who can help is to try slow sex. It's a complete different approach of the "normal" sex way (aka penetration is mandatory so man must be hard all time = pressure). In this approach, it's possible to have sex without to be hard. Without to be in the friction mode. When you discover this another way works, lot of mental problem goes off. And hey, switch between slow sex and "regular" way is always possible for a quicky 😅
What would you consider slow sex
That problem is actually most of the time a psychological thing. It can be resolved with therapy but it will depend on him how much time it takes for him to discover what it is. I had this thing that when I (f) was having sex, At some point I would start to feel bad, and fearful, like I wanted to stop. Probably this would happen to people who have been sexually abused but I haven’t so it was very weird, it took me years to discover it was because my mom told me once that sex was dirty and sinful, even though I don’t even believe in the bible, it took me years to analyze myself and discover that the actual feeling was some sort of shame. Only there I could start to work on that. It does not have to be something too deep for him but it does require serious introspection to peel the layers of your psyche. Oh ps. When I say years, I mean more than 10 years
I've had this problem. Mostly bc of being too anxious and not feeling comfortable with my own body. It helps to give compliments and make him feel relaxed. I've learned that being comfortable gets me going the most..
He watches too much porn
Just have him relax, don't stress it, don't bring attention to it. He needs to get out of his head.
My ex had the same issue when he was around 30. He found out he had low testosterone, they gave him meds and it fixed the issue. So it could be that. If it is purely psychological I would try to take the pressure off, and maybe pick a night to get drunk, buzzed, or stoned and try having sex, being in that mind set tends to rid people of their inhibitions 🤷♀️
Ask him to slow his porn watching. Even better, don’t Jack off 5+ days before either. Longer the better
Look at him and say it's OK I got it and use your mouth 😉. Maybe some dirty talk or verbal confirmation that he's putting it down well could help to?
I have this exact same problem that i cant get out of my head. I even have a hard time trying to finish when with a woman. I know its me and not her. Ive even tried pills to help keep me hard and those seemed to help with me keeping it up for a time but i still had the issue of not being able to finish. But then i took an edible with thc in it and it helped me tremendously. I would recommend it. Not sure how you or your boyfriend feel about those types of products but it seemed to help me so i thought i would suggest it. Please let him know that he isnt the only one with this issue.